The Harland Highway - HARLAND HIGHWAY XMAS PODCAST 2021

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

Yes it's that festive time of year again where Harland makes merry. Christmas talk, carols, and guests including George Michael from WHAM and Aunt Ruthy from Rochester. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello? Hello? Hey, Harland, this is Jack Reed from Indiana. It's been about six months, and since we last heard something from the highway, and it's just been a lonely, busy six months, and, you know, Christmas is right around the corner, and nothing would put me more in the Christmas spirit than your famous Christmas podcast. So I'm going to preemptively say,

Thank you so much for giving us this Christmas podcast. We love you and we can't wait to hear more from you. Thank you so much. And until next time, chicken chalmayne. Later. Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. Whoa.

Hold, hold the phone, hold the refrigerator, hold the microwave, hold the toaster, hold your first born child, even if its eyes are spread far apart, like a hammerhead shark, just hold something. Did you see what he did there? Did you see what he did there? Zachary, did you see what he did there? He lured me in.

He, I wasn't going to do a Christmas podcast. You think I have time for a Christmas podcast, ladies and gurgle blargens? I'm running around. I'm shopping. I'm creating presents. I'm baking pies and cakes and making merry and putting Christmas lights up. You think I have time for a Christmas podcast?

But what did he do? What is Christmas all about? Christmas is all about loving and sharing and giving and loving. And listen, oh God, listen to what this clever pavement ponder did. Listen very carefully to his words. Listen to what he said. We love you and we can't wait to hear more from you. Okay, not all of it, Roger.

Just roll it back. Just condense that a little bit, just a little bit. We love you and... There, right there. Did you hear it? Did you hear what he said? It starts with L and it ends with E. Roger, play it again.

Play it what? Did you hear what he said? We love you and... Again, again. Do it again. We love you and... One more time. One more time, Roger.

Back it up. We love you and... Again. We love you and... I need another one. We love you and... Now give me four in a row real quick. We love you and...

We love you and... We love you and... There, right there. Oh, oh, right there. He used the L-word. Lurgles and blurgin-snargens. He used the L-word. We love you.

Isn't that what the holidays is all about, Christmas and holidays and cheer and joy? Love? Isn't that the operative word? Isn't that the word that binds us all together? Bonds us all together, glues us all together, velcroes us all together. Isn't love really the only word that matters in the end? Isn't love the only word that makes the world go round? you got me Zach

you got me buddy I wasn't gonna do a Christmas podcast ladies and gentlemen but you had to throw the L bomb at me and so Roger cue up the intro

gurgle blurgens and snargle blargens we can't wait to hear more from you we're gonna do this we're gonna spread a little love we're gonna do The Harland Highway

Christmas podcast. Take it away, Rod. We love you, and we can't wait to hear more from you. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hi, I'm Jackie want to play. Please go away and leave me alone. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Man, keep it going. Love the show. You're hilarious. My blanket. My blue blanket. Give me my blue blanket. fasten your seat there you're riding down the harland highway it's the harland highway have you checked the children oh here we go you got me we're doing this rock you know what roger give me some christmas music right out of the gate we got to make it christmasy come on lay some down here we go oh yeah come on man are you Kid me. Doesn't that just... Did you feel that washing

over you, gang? It's like being in bed and a nice soft mattress and pulling a warm blanket up over your body. There's a fire crackling in the fireplace

down at the end of the bedboard. Hot cup of a cider in your hand. snows falling down outside make snowflakes just drifting down from the sky and you feel all gooey and warm inside and this is the only time of year this happens you don't you don't feel this this way in in other months you're not sitting around in uh you know march and going oh do i feel Ooh, I feel so fuzzy and warm inside. No.

You don't, uh, you don't, uh, you don't all of a sudden one day in the middle of July ago. Ooh, golly. I feel so loving and warm and ooey-gooey and... No. Nope. It's only now. It's only now this special time of year. Oh, the lights are going up.

You know, I put my lights up already. I put them up on Thanksgiving Day. Can you believe it? Normally I wait a bit, but this year I was like, I don't know, maybe it's because of all we've been through and the times we're in. I was like, let's get them up early. I want this warm, fuzzy, Christmassy, Christmassy feeling to last as long as it can. So I'm going to stretch it out a little this year. Screw Thanksgiving.

I'm going right to Christmas. Didn't even celebrate Thanksgiving just to to show how much I want to be in Christmas. Didn't do any Thanksgiving dinner, didn't do not nothing. I just put up the tree and the lights and I sang Christmas carols and I wrapped presents and no I didn't. But I did put up all my stuff. I put up the lights outside.

Just when those colored lights fill the air. You know, think of air. Air is just kind of air. It's just there. It's air. Right? Just sort of empty, it's air. It's kind of nothing, big, big bunch of nothing air.

Then all of a sudden there's a little red glow and a yellow glow and a green glow and a blue glow filling the air. Oh, the little Christmas lights inhabiting the air that just moments ago was nothing. And now, oh, it's like the air is a living, crackling electric rainbow. Oh, what a delight. Even during the day when they're on. You know, I put them up during the day, and still you can see the glow in the bright, sunny air. But then night slowly creeps in, and the darker it gets, the more they stick out and glow. It's like a gay pride firefly festival.

It's just gay, gay fireflies. strung along my house and on my gate and, oh, just a sight. So welcome, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. We're going to have some fun today. We're going to make it holiday E for you. We're going to talk about Christmas and talk to Christmassy people and play some of your phone messages. Zach's right.

We've been away for a while. I've been quiet for a while. working on some other projects and but here we are this special time of year and I think we have people calling in and what already we have someone calling in oh my gosh okay Roger says somebody's on the phone you're not gonna tell me who why not okay you know what the only reason you're not telling me why not is I think I know why not Roger is it Is it him?

And he's drunk, right? No, I don't want to take it. I do... No, I do not. I started this podcast. Okay, we're going to have fun. It's going to be friendly and family friendly. I do not need, nor do my listeners need,

George Michael from Wham calling in, right out of the gate. No, go to something else. Let's talk about presents. Let's talk about gift. Do not put him through. Do not no no no no no no no oh god I try to do something nice Roger and we got no god here we go here we go good Lord Hello how are you oh my god

Hello it's me all and how are you today Mike Hello George Michael how are you I Merry Christmas that all uh Okay, right away, I have to ask, have you been drinking? Oh, look at you. I can't even say hello to your old friend, George Michael, that accusing me of being boosted up like a $7 hooker on a $4 fighting pancake Tuesday. What?

Listen, what, can we this stuff for bloody holidays? You can't even be friendly with me. Right out of the gate, you got to accuse me of being juiced up like a fat pig and all you can eat buffet. I'm fucking down cooking a cream pie. This is not funny, George. It's George. My, I'm not going to start with this business out of the gate, eh?

I got two names. George. Michael, it's not one, it's not the other, it's two. All right, calm down. God. Now, where the hell are you, and what's going on? I'm calling for a Christmas party on. A Christmas party? Yeah, it's right, and it's not going very well, really.

What do you mean it's not going well? Well, we invited to a Christmas party. Who's we? But me and my friend Peter Who? Peter Peter Peter

Oh, you know It's a fucking Peter What, I don't know what you're saying Pia Peter? Yeah, you fucking knob cheese It's, you ever hear of Peter Paul and Mary?

Oh, Peter Oh, good morning Hello Are your fucking breakfast Burritos ready You fucking Chinese windmill with a fucking Penelope pitch star fucking

pet crew up your ass. Hey, whoa! I'm not going to have you come on here and do your drunk ramblings, George. It's Janette. It's George, fucking Marla. Now, you get it right. I'm going to come over there with Rudolph,

the red nose, rain deers, fucking bright fucking 95-watt fucking red light bulb nose and screw it right up the inside of your calum. Sorry ring, your dirty fucking cheese cake. I'm not a dirty fucking cheese. Listen, what are you doing at a Halloween, at a, at a Christmas party?

Well, you're not far off on an Halloween pot. It was a, it was a costume and Christmas party. I'm at me church. I'm in St. Timothy's, eh? Your church? Yes, right. They wanted to do, like, you know, a festival. Christmas costume party up at St. Jimonies with, you know, the choir and all the

altar boys and the priests and whatnot, you know. Okay, well, that sounds nice. Well, I thought was going to be nice until, you know, my costume caused a bit of a flap. Your costume caused a bit of a flap? Yeah, that's right. You ever seen a bird flying through the air and its wings going up and down, Ireland? Yes, I've seen their wings. go up and down.

All right, well, that's what a flap is, you stupid fucking monopoly playing, fucking Milton Bradley, Asbro, fucking cream pie, fucking shit disturbing, fucking owl fuck. I'm not an owl fuck. Now, would you... By the way, Arland, have you ever fucked an owl? What? No, I haven't... Why would I have fucked an owl?

I'm just saying you should see their eyes. You know, they got those big eyes. Arlen? Yes, owls have huge round eyes. Well, you know, when you find fox on one, their eyes go a bit bigger. What do you mean, your other... You know, don't play with me, Holland. You know, when you stick the weenie in the cave? Stick the weenie in the cave. Yeah, that's what you do. You stick the weenie in the cave.

It's like the log ride when it goes into the tunnel, eh? The log ride goes into the tunnel. Look, quick play, you have a fucking stick, you're fighting weenie in an owl. I haven't stuck my weenie in an owl. Are you hammered? Well, here's what I'm getting at. Owls have such big round eyes. You stuff your weenie in an owl, and the eyes don't even change size,

because they're already big and round, eh? What are you talking about, you drunk fuck? What I'm trying about, Arlen, is owls got big, farting eyes. So if you stuff your weenie up an owl I'm not about to stuff my weenie up an owl. Well, if you do it, Arland,

you're not going to see a change in their eyes because their eyes are already big and brown and round like a fucking silver dollar pancake probably the same size as your fucking big brown aerial eyes on your saggy tit bags. Hey everybody

who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The Yes, you always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free. and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive. offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Would you stop talking about my tit bags? Well, that's what they are probably, giant brown hairy areioli. What? Harry Arioli. That's right. You heard me your fat wet. Look, what it...

So you're... You're at St. Timothy's... Yeah, that's what I'm at St. Timothy's at the Christmas party with the Vecca and the priest and the choir boy and all the parishioners A-I, then. Okay, and that sounds joyous and fun and Christmassy. Well, you think so until you get to me costume, eh, mate? What do you mean when we get to your costume?

Well, look at you. I know, you're all curious, eh? Like that little monkey that used to do the same. story books. What are you talking about? What monkey? Oh, like, you never read the story books about the little monkey, eh? He had a guy with a red, a yellow hat on his head, and he was all curious, eh?

What, are you talking about curious, George? Well, where I come from, they call them by curious, George. Would you knock it off? Now, what was your costume? Well, listen, Arlen, I tried to go with something traditional. Alright? Would you stop hiccuffing? And what I went as is a lovable Christmas character, all right?

Okay, who was it? It was Frosty the Snowman on it? Frosty the Snowman, okay, that's, everyone loves Frosty. Well, that's what you think, and maybe they love them a little too much, eh? What do you mean they love them a little too much? Well, listen, I'll keep me with... responsible for the wandering eyes and fingeys of the priests, eh? The wandering eyes and fingies of the priest?

You mean fingers? Well, that's what a fingee is, eh? You call fingers fingies. Well, I just called a penis a weenie. What, you got a problem with the way I speak, Ireland? Listen, what do you mean your Frosty the Snowman costume caused some problems? Well, have you ever tried to dress yourself up in snow? No lot of snowman, Ireland.

Well, no, you can't put snow on your body, it wouldn't melt. Exactly, right? So I was thinking, me and Peter. Who? Peter. Peter? Oh, look at you. Have you got fucking sideburns in your fucking ears?

Alright, it's just you don't say Peter very clearly. Well, listen to you. Get on with your story. Look, we didn't know what to fucking do to make a... to make it look like we was covered in snow, eh? Light, white, bright snow. It's like, what you're going to do? You can't put snow on your body, eh?

Because it's going to melt, just like you said, you dumb fuck weird. Stop hiccuping on me. So what me and Peter did? Who? Peter! Can you say that what? It's fucking Peter, you're fighting non-boblin, foggiblin. Whoa, okay, excuse me.

So anyway, we couldn't fight any snow island, okay? All right, so what'd you do? Well, we got these mayonnaise out, eh? So, what? We got the fucking mayonnaise out. You got the mayonnaise out? Yeah, that's right. We got some mayonnaise, and we spread it all over our naked bodies, right?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. What would you want me to hold on for? Stop the fucking hiccups. Oh, look at you, like a fucking wild-brien ostraccharging through a fucking cheesecake factory, eh? What do you mean you covered your naked bodies in mayonnaise? Look, Arlen, and what color is fucking mayonnaise, eh? Well, it's white. Right, bingo, under the eye, fucking retard.

What's the point? And what color is fucking snow, eh, Arlen? White. Oh, look at you on. Start putting two and two together to get retard. Stop saying retard. Well, we covered our native bodies and fought in white almonds mayonnaise, and we were all covered in white,

and we looked like Frosty the Fatting Snowman, me and Peter. Who? Don't make me... What? And we look like fucking white snowmen. man, right? Okay, so you show up at, where is it? St. Timothy's.

Okay, you go to St. Timothy's. You're covered in mayonnaise. And don't forget we was naked underneath. Okay, no one can see through the mayonnaise. So you're covered in mayonnaise. You go to St. Timothy's to the Christmas party, and you're both dressed like Frosty the Snowman. So what's the problem?

Well, let me do another funny math equation for you, Arland. Stop the hiccup. Here it is, Arlen, what's one plus one? Two. And what's two plus two? Four. And what's mayonnaise plus priests? Manny's plus priests.

Yeah, that's what I said. I don't know, what is it? How about anal rape? How about that, Arlet? What the, would you knock it off? Stop hiccuping, you freak. Listen, Ollie. We were in there trying to be lovable fucking children characters like Frosty the Fatty Snowman, right?

Would you stop swearing everywhere? Well, what you want me to do is a fucking living piece of snow. What the fuck? Listen, what happened? So we want in there Frosty to Fatten Snowman. And on naked bodies covered, slathered really with fucking mayonnaise, okay? Slathered with mayonnaise. You think everyone will be up, jumping up and down and singing Frosty, the Snowman.

Right, okay. We're all white. We look fucking beautiful. We got the black fucking hats on our head. Okay, you got the big high hats on your head. That's right, Arland. And we think everyone's going to love us and how the kids will be laughing and jotting around her and singing and whatnot, eh? Okay, that sounds logical. Because Frosty's here. Frosty's at the Christmas party at St. Timothy's. And you should have seen those fucking priests, Arland.

What do you mean? Oh, they're fucking, they turned around and saw a couple of fucking men. He's Frosty, the Snowman's, what in that fucking St. Timothy's front door? Uh-oh. Oh, their eyes lit up like fucking prison searchlights searching for a runaway inmate, Ireland. Wait, wait, what are you talking about? Oh, they had fucking lust in their eyes like fucking rabid, fucking Cujo, looking for a fucking human leg to gnar a lot, eh, Arlen?

Stop the hiccups. What are you talking about? Well, if you haven't figured it out, Arlen, me and Peter walked into a fighting priest party with our native parties slathered in fucking mayonnaise. Okay, I think I'm starting to. see what you're talking about here. Yeah, we barely got the fuck out of there.

I mean, these fucking priests, they were chasing us around like a fucking couple of Playboy bunnies up at the fucking you have the fucking Playboy castle or whatever it is, eh? What, so, wait a, are you accusing the priests of chasing you around in naked mayonnaise-covered bodies? That's right, me and Peter barely got out of there with a fucking assholes intact, all right, Ireland. I mean, fuck me tender in the night.

Oh, my God. Does anything go right for you, George? It's George, fuck. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to come out there with a fucking bulldozer. I'm going to fucking smash your fucking house down. And when I find you in your fucking bed, I'm going to run over your fucking legs

until they're flattened up. I can slide them under a fucking berry. man of those fucking door, he can fold him up into origami and fucking feed him to a Chinese fucking goose. What the hell is wrong with you?

Stop the stupid hiccups. You know what? I've had enough. Frosty, the snowman got a fucking anal rape. Stop twisting the words on Frosty. That's a lovable kid's song. Frosty. The snowman got a big giant hole in his ass, eh, Arlen?

Stop! You know what? We're gone. We're out of here. Thank you for calling. Have a great Christmas. Frosty. Oh!

Stop the hiccups. Was a very holy ghost, because he had a fucking hole right in the middle of his fucking mayonnaise, eh? Dang up! Holy shit, I think Christmas was just ruined. Are you kidding me, Roger? This idiot, who goes to a priest to a church? Thank God he's gone. The idiot goes to a church function.

And I'm not saying all priests are bad, but let's be honest that they don't have a great reputation, but they, these two, George Michael and his friend, how do you say to Pete, Pita? These idiots show up naked, slathered in mayonnaise in front of a bunch of priests, and they wonder, you know what, I got to get my head back straight.

You know, I almost want to bail on this stupid Christmas podcast. Forget about the love people. This guy just polluted this podcast right out of the gate I told you not to take the call You know what I need to take a little break Let's play You know what this will be the perfect spot To play Rudy Carsoni's snowballs

Okay My buddy Toby Haas Every year it's a tradition We play this Christmas Carol Just fucking hit it snowballs Go Yeah it was this time a year About a year ago, I think, around the holiday seasons, and I was at home waiting for the old lady to get back.

She'd been gone a couple weeks you see's. So I had a couple dozen hot toddies or so waiting for there. Huh. Finally the door opens up. Rudy! Hey, baby, it's been a while. Take off the dress. She don't.

She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree? What do you mean? What tree? It's Christmas Eve, Kazone. Oh. Yeah, I thought it was June. She says, that's it.

That's it, Rudy, I'm leaving you. I've had enough. I can't stick no more. I found another guy. I'm gone. Hold on, baby. What do you mean on Christmas Eve? You're leaving me?

You found another guy? Who is this joke? What's he got that I don't got? Well, he's really cute. Baby, it's me. It's Rudy. He's got a short red suit. I know I ain't no beauty,

but if you squint your eyes from the lights alone, you got one swell-looking skinny day go. Kids love him to boo. Was this more than a date? He's got a sack a loo. Little ain't great. Well, yesterday you're my lips smacker. Now you're a sugar plum nut cracker. I did not forget Christmas. No, I hunch a mistletoe in my pants. Packer up! There's snowballs like mine. There's snowballs like the ones you're leaving behind.

You're going to miss my back, spackling, crackling hot. You'll log. Wax nostalgic for my steam. Mey Holiday Nog. He's jolly in bed. Yeah, who is this pest? Teets are rosy and bread. Ah, I should have guessed. Don't hit your ass on the way out the dough. You ho-ho, snow blowing ho-ho-ho.

Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy. Blow it out your dingle. Don't go getting snooty. Oh, so you bag that cringle. So long, but don't forget, my dear. Oh, fat, so comes but once a year. There's snowfalls. Little air fun in the cold.

I like these. I love his big North Pole. They jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle down. Hello my knees. You're gonna miss roasting my chestnuts. Oh yes ma'am. Good luck without my pink honey glazed holiday ham.

Because there's snowballs like mine. There's snowballs like these twins you're leaving behind. And there's snowballs. Snowballs. Hey, look out, baby it is. There's snowballs. Snowballs like those nutty, knocked out, nuts, oh, cuckoo stones, you're leaving behind. Dear Santa Claus, thanks for nothing.

P.S. Could you possibly bring me a new bra? Or, if not, I don't know, toss a couple of drunk elves in my. a couple of your little helpers. They help you, they can help me, pal. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hello? Hello?

Hi Harlan, it's Lonnie. Long time, no talk. I have a little song I'm going to sing to you. Bear with me. It's been two months or 69 days. since you took your podcast off. I went to the doctor and guess what she told me. Guess what she told me?

She said, girl, you better go find a new podcast. That's what to do. Well, she's a fool. Because nothing compares. Nothing compares to you. Can't wait to hear the next one Check and Tell Maine, baby It's been so lonely

Without you're here That's right Like a bird without some Oh Nothing can't stop Nothing can stop these lonely Tears from falling Nothing

Tell me, baby Where did I go wrong? Oh, God, you didn't go wrong. You went right, you went right, you went right, you went right to my heart, right to my way. When somebody leaves you a voice message and they break in the song, you know that that only comes from one place, right? Ladies and Gurgoglarkins, it only can possibly come from one place right from the heart. And you know what the heart's full of ladies and gurgle gluggan? Do you know what the heart's full of?

Yeah, you guessed it. The L-word, L-O-V-E. We love you, and we can't wait to hear more from you. Can't wait to hear the next one. We love you. Oh, it's like a love fest. You ever plant a flower? You ever plant a seed and watch it germinate and grow and rise up out of the soil?

That's all it takes. You know, when people call me and, And say these wonderful things, it's like, how can I not? Your love is making the flower grow. I just called myself a flower. Not the most manly thing to do in the world. But anyways, should we do one more call? I mean, these are wonderful calls.

Just the love and the adoration and the encouragement. And Roger, do we have another phone message here? Let's play another one. Get some more positive feedback. Hello. Hello? Hey, Harland. Hey, so I'm just returning your phone call.

I went to the deli. I got some ham sandwiches and those baguettes, you know, the baguettes. So I just gave me a call back, returned your phone call. Don't tell Lucy, don't tell Lucy I did the laundry with the chlorine. All right. All right, man. Will you take care? Bye now.

Uh-huh. Yeah. The baguettes, the begots, the begotten, the baguettin, the boggettes, baguettes, I don't even know how you say it. You know what? Screw you for messing me up with the Bogdettes. You know what, screw you. How about this? Hello?

Hey, hey, Lucy. Yeah, who's this? It's Harlan. Who? Harland? Okay. Listen, you didn't hear this from me, but. But, uh, he did it again.

What? Who did what? He, uh, he did the laundry with the chlorine again. What the fucking motherfucker? I'm gonna fucking get all of that motherfucker. Boggett you, bro. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be. Oh yeah, sing it, buddy.

From now on, our troubles will be out of sight. Oh, that voice. Oh, Christmas. Doesn't it just wash all over you? Well, I want to throw two words at you during this holiday season. this festive holiday season. Two words, guilt and effort. Now, these are two very prominent words that emerge during the holidays,

and I want you to be able to maneuver them, manipulate them, come out on the good side of guilt and effort. Okay? Because, you know, Christmas only comes once a year, year. And as you've seen, it's kind of all about reaching out, touching, telling each other, you love each other, the way you guys have done here today. Oh my God. And sometimes what happens is during the holidays, you get wrapped up in yourself like we do most of the year. And maybe we forget to reach out to friends and family and people we love or care or even know. Maybe it's

the doorman or your Uber driver or your dentist or your doctor. Maybe it's someone that's not a direct, real close personal relationship, but someone in your periphery. Or maybe it is just your family and your friends. And maybe you neglect to remind them to let them know. that you care about them, that they're meaningful to you, that they matter. And so sometimes you don't put in the effort. You don't put in the effort to maybe send them a little card or send them a note or wish him a happy holiday. But then what happens, right? You forgot about David and Carol and Barbara and Darlene and Pete.

Peter and Michael and Wingyong Howe and Donnie and Karen and you forgot about them all. And all of a sudden, you start going down to your mailbox and oh, look, a Christmas card from Donnie. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I was going to send him one, but I forgot. I neglected. I just wasn't a good friend and I didn't put in the effort and here comes that second word

guilt guilt but even if you don't get a card from your friends and your loved ones you don't want to feel guilty just because you didn't send them one because they sent you one maybe as we circle back to that word effort

you just take your own initiative and you don't look for any payback. You don't look for any return. You ever do that thing where you say you do a favor for someone and you say there's no need for thanks between friends? In fact, there's no need for thanks at all. I just wanted to do it. And we all have that spot in our hearts

where we reach in our hearts and we just want to be good and do something good. So here's me doing something good for y'all. And I threw in a southern slang there, y'all. This is me just reminding you. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm not your mother. I'm not your Aunt Ruthie.

I'm just your little podcast buddy. Your little podcast buddy with his slippers on and a candy cane in his hand. I'm just looking out for you. And suggesting maybe, you reach out. You put in the effort. To your friends, your family.

Maybe make them a little digital card or something, that's what I do every year. You know, I can't be the guy that goes to the post office and gets a stack of envelopes and a big stack of stamps and writes out everybody's name. Who has anybody's address anymore? Right? Not me, not you.

So, what can you do? Here's what I do. Can I share what I do every year? I just take the time, the effort. There's that word again. and not out of guilt but out of I don't know

just because I want to I want to put in the effort I sit down and I grab a Christmas card off the Google off the internet and I dump it into Photoshop and I kind of make it my own

and I personalize it I find a funny one or I find a sweet one or a sentimental one and I write on it happy holidays I love you all my friends and family.

And then what I do is I go into my list of emails and I go from A to Z and yeah, it takes a couple of hours but I just dump that little card, that little digital card

into the email of everyone I care about and know and love and even a few on the peripheral. And I send them that little card I put in the effort And like I said It's not because of guilt

I don't have to do it But I'll tell you what When I get a card from them Or I go to my mailbox And there's a card from them Or they send me an electronic greeting In my email Oh

Guess what? I get to read it guilt free There's that other word guilt And why do I get to read it guilt free? Because I put in the effort and I know that they got a nice little mention from me. So they know that I was thinking about them and love them and care about them

and they mean something to me. But I don't care if they get... Well, you know what? I guess it hurts a little when you don't get something back. But you can't hold people to the fire like that. Everybody's got their own time and energy and guilt and effort.

There's those two words again. So you just do it for you and the love that you have in your heart And you take a little time You put in the effort And then you don't feel guilt for not doing it And you don't feel guilt when they send you something And you never sent them something back Or you never set them something to begin with

So there you go There's a little Little Christmas present from me to you giving you a little I'm like the Martha Stewart of the Christmas set just giving you little creative ideas to help you through the holidays but at the end of it all it's really just about spreading the love and the joy

and the togetherness and the connection between fellow human beings because like I said during the year we maybe don't do it it's all a little too casual and we forget and it's a little surfacy but there's something about the holidays where you really get to send a message

to those you care about. So there you go. And speaking of family and people you care about, Roger, I think as we do every holiday season, we get left a voicemail by a member of my family who lives up in Rochester, New York, my Aunt Ruthie. Did she, she left a message, didn't she?

Yeah, okay. Let's go ahead and play it. We're going to play a Christmas message from my Aunt Ruthie and my Uncle Harry, and it's always so nice to hear from them. And they put in the effort. And that's what we're talking about right here. Go ahead and play it, Raj. Aunt Ruthie from Rochester. We're sorry.

You have reached the number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Hello? Oh, my God. How does it even work? How many says it's answering machine? Hello, Angel. Hello? Angel.

Lump's, hello, oh my God, I can never tell of these things. I don't know who I'm talking to. Angel Lumps at your Aunt Rucie crawling from Rochester, New York. How are you, Angel Pops? Oh, you're your uncle Harry, and I miss you so much, Angel Pudding Pops. Oh, my God, it's the holidays. We've had a second snowfall. The ground is white and crisp.

It looks like, you know, the bed sheet at the Royal Romada Inn, you know, the royal, the suite where they put the Royals. The Royal, if the Queen would have come to Rochester, to the Ramada Inn, she'd stay in the Royal Suite. And then she's, anyways, baby lump, such your Aunt Ruthie crawling, and we wanted to wish you a happy holidays. Oh, so, you know how much we love this time of year? Do you remember when you were just nine years old and you came over to Aunt Ruthie's house for the afternoon? And we were putting up the Christmas tree and you were hanging the bulbs all over the tree

and accidentally you grabbed under the tree and it fell on top of you and you were screaming, rape, rape. And your uncle and Harry and I were looking at each other where did this little best, Where did this little boy learn this horrible way? You know, you're flailing around on the ground. You got your legs wrapped around the Christmas tree.

And this, you know, you're underneath it. You're pinned like a giant porcupine and having its way with you in the magical forest, for Christ's sake. And you're like, help, rape, Aunt Ruthie, rape. And when you're standing there watching you get rolled by this Christmas tree, you got this tinsel all over your fucking. and hair and there's bones in your eyes and you got a star on the top of your four and you spread eagled underneath a, you know, a scotch pine for Christ's sake and you're rolling

a rape, rape, Christmas tree rape, Christmas rape, and what, with me, Uncle Harry and I are just standing there with our jaws dropping open. I mean, Harry's mouth was open so wide you could have drove an egg truck in there and farted a fucking birthday song. I mean, it was just unbelievable. Angel pops. But anyways, Angel, that's not why I called. You know, your Aunt Murphy likes to reminisce. I have so many fond memories of you in your little freckled face, getting raped under a Christmas tree. But your Uncle Harry's here, and he insisted we, well, he didn't insist, but I insisted we sing a Christmas carol to you. And your Uncle Harry's, well, you know, his memory's starting to go, Angel. The doctor says he's

got the first onsets of the Alzheimer's or whatever the fuck it's called and I feel like he's had it his whole fucking life this guy I mean I'll never forget the time he wandered in the victorious secrets at the mall and he came up with a plus size bra on his

eyes and I said Harry what the hell are you doing with we're in a mall he said let's go to the fucking food court Ruthie I want to pretend I'm an hour with tit eyes but are you talking about tit eyes he goes I want to pretend I'm an owl with victorious secret titty eyes.

And I said, Harry, are you losing it? And he said, who's Harry? And I was like, oh, here we go. So anyways, Harry, would you come in here, please? Come in here and sing the Christmas carer we were hoised for little angel props over here. Let's get in here. Here we go, Angel. And one, two, one, two, three on the first day of Christmas.

Christmas, my true love gave to me a prodigage in a pantry. Now, Harry, you take it. On the 14th day of Christmas. Harry. Sorry. On the seventh day of Christmas. Harry! The 21st day of Christmas.

Harry, it's the second day of Christmas. Where the hell is your memory? What? Your memory. On the ninth day of Christmas. Harry! Go and sit down, sit in the corner, and eat some plum pudding. Anyways, Angel, we'll get back to that, but I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas.

I hope you're getting in the holiday spirit, and you're not getting raped by any Christmas trees. Can I tell you one more story? Do you remember the time when it snowed all night? You slept over because your mommy and your daddy had to go into New York and pick up some presents for the other children. and whatnot. So they asked us to take care of you up the swing over through Rochester. And you slept over,

and we woke up in the morning. There was about five feet of snow on the ground. Do you remember, Angel? And you went outside, and it was snowing, and you stuck your tongue out. Do you remember you stuck your tongue out to catch snowflakes? And what you didn't realize

is that you were standing right under the east trough of the house, and there was about a 14-inch fucking ice ice. bicycle hanging there. Do you remember it? You were catching these soft little snowflakes. They were like angel farts landing in your mouth and just exploding full of, you know, whatever an angel farts full of, you know. And he's standing there getting these little angel farts snowflakes on your little pink tongue angel lips. And all of a sudden, I don't know what happened. Harry came out of the house and he slammed the door, and it knocked that 14-inch icicle loose, and it broke off

the eaves trough and came right down and right through your tongue. Oh, my God, I've never heard a child scream bloody murder. It's like you were stabbed in the face by a unicorn, for fuck's sake. I mean, some of the demented kids on a streak at this tongue's tears, but looked like you were French kissing a gnar wall from Finland, for Christ's sake, little angel monkey teeth. Oh, we remember we rushed her to the emergency ward, and oh my God, it was just a nightmare. There was blood all over the place, and Harry ended up down in the cafeteria eating yogurt with his eyes. I mean, I'm telling you, he forgets things. He forgot where his mouth was.

Do you remember? He's putting blueberry yogurt in his eyes, and he says, this doesn't taste very good as if vanilla, it's got no flavor. And I said, Harry, you're putting the fucking yogurt in your eyes. Move the spoon down about four inches and put it in your mouth, you dumb slit. Anyways, Angel, I keep getting off on these tenders. Harry, are you ready yet to sing this Christmas Carol? The bumble pops over here. Get over here.

Here we go. One, two, three, four. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. Five golden rings. Go, Harry. Nine semi-tractors, 14 jet. blades, 120 lasagnas, and the box of chocolate cigars. Harry, those aren't the words?

What are you singing even? I mean, what planet is? It's like somebody smashed Google open and dropped it all over the floor, and you're just picking up pieces of Google. Now, can we do it again? Two dozen eggs, twelve chocolate chips, and an old lady, and some sardis. An old lady and some sardines. Are you talking about me and my thunder trap?

Pardon me? My thunder tray. You know what? Oh, here we got. Did you hear that, Angel? Your Uncle Harry thinks that your aunt Ruthie's thunder trap smells like sardines. Now we got an issue. The holidays were gone smoothly, but now we got an issue.

I'm sorry for Harry's memory. He can't get the fucking words to him. You know, why don't you try this one here? How about this one? Jingle bells, jingle bells. Take it, Harry. Highway signs, highway signs. Pire and cakes on the tree.

I've got leprosy and you've got corn on your sister's teeth. Oh, see, he doesn't know the words to anything. Why don't you just go shove your head in a laptop computer and hope Google gets in your fucking head? Do you use the Google Angel?

I've tried to want to. I don't know. I think it smells. I don't know if a computer can smell, but for some reason when I press Google it, I feel like it smells. Anyways, Angel, your uncle Harry's wandering into the... He's standing by the fire.

He's supposed to be burning logs, and it looks like he's burning his shoes. Would you get your loafers out of the fire, Harry? But, Craig, I tell it, you, Angel, Bob's this fucking guy's 10 minutes away from going to retard street. Anyways, Angel, we love you. Your uncle Harry, despite being, you know, devoid of any fucking thoughts whatsoever.

Get your legs out of the fire, Harry. Oh, my God. We've got to go, honey, bunches and oats. But we love you. Your Aunt Ruthie loves you. Have a wonderful Christmas and tell all your listeners on your bobcat or whatever. Whatever you do, a bobcat.

I think you said it's a bobcat. It goes all over the world on the internet. Tell your listeners, everything loves them. We love you. Happy holidays. Harry, will you say Merry Christmas to your nephew over here, please? Honey garlic spare ribs. Honey garlic, he's gone.

This guy's fucking nine tits to the wind. You might as well hang out a pair of your underpants out in a breeze and hope you catch a fucking family of hummingbirds in there for Christ's sake. gotta go, love. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays from Aunt Ruthie and Roger. We love, we miss you so much. Give us a call, love. Harry, put on some Christmas carols, you dumb shit. Oh, my lord. Oh, my lord. She's, poor Uncle Harry is getting more and more out there and this is old age and this is why we you know every Christmas

is special you don't know how many you got left and yeah that Christmas tree rape still get a little nervous around Christmas trees I'll be honest that thing fell right on me was right in between my legs yish

ouch but let's uh let's uh let's what you want to do another phone message Okay, the last one was kind of weird with the baguette chlorine guy type of All right, do another phone message You're the engineer, go for it

Hello Hello Hey Harlan, how you doing, man? Anyway, buddy, I just want to know if you got any of those shirts With that damn fly holding that martini I really like that one to see you're out of stock Anyway, I am Benny the Bird Burger Guy. Talk to you later, Harlan.

Okay. Great, Benny, the burger guy. So, so this, you know what, that message is kind of cool, Roger, because this plays into Christmas, believe it or not. Benny the Burger Guy is referring to my hand-drawn original one-of-a-kind t-shirts, okay? For those of you that aren't aware of it, I'm also a bit of an artist. Over the years, I've written and illustrated a bunch of children's books and painted, and I have my Walt Disney animated top number one show, puppy dog pals that I created on Disney Channel and Disney Jr. And so, you know, I like to get my artwork out there, just the same way I like to get my humor and my podcast and everything else out there. And so what I do is I actually draw directly onto blank t-shirts with colored sharpies,

and I create these one-of-a-kind, really cool t-shirts. And one of the things that happens at Christmas or any gift-giving time is people always go, oh, there's never anything original. There's everything's the same. Everything's a brand name. Everything's, ah, well, I wish I could find something unique to give people so it. It was special. Well, guess what, gang?

My t-shirts are special because when I say one-of-a-kind, what I'm saying is you can actually purchase the one-of-a-kind original print of the shirt. So you can actually buy the shirt that I personally drew on and own that, and no one else will have an original, but then you can also go in and buy a print of the shirt, but it's not the original. It's just a print. So obviously the original is a little bit more expensive

because it's a one-of-a-kind original hand-drawn shirt And then the prints are a lot cheaper because they're prints But these shirts go really fast I put them up on my Instagram If you're not on my Instagram, follow me Because that's where I alert people That there's new original hand-drawn Harlan T-shirts In my web store

At my website Harland Williams' com. So usually these shirts are gone within about 25 to 30 minutes of me putting them up on my Instagram page. What I do is I put pictures of the latest collections of shirts that I've drawn. And then I send out an Instagram post and those shirts go really quick. So that's why I'm saying if you want a very unique and special Christmas gift, you can get one. And Johnny the hamburger, whatever the hell is name was, I apologize, Jimmy Meatloaf or

whatever Googer Burger Golash or whatever your name is, sir. You got to be quick. You got to be on it. And once you see the pictures posted on my Instagram of the shirts, you go directly to Harlewilms.com. Click on shop. It'll take it right to the store. And if you're lucky, I hate to say that, but if you're lucky, you'll get one. And the only reason I'm saying if you're lucky is because you can't imagine the amount of people who write me and go, oh, man, I wish I was lucky enough to get one,

or they were all sold out by the time I got there. And that's kind of why we're doing the prints in the background. So you'll get the original, but then for those of you who miss out on the original, you can at least get a print. And they're still very original because they're from my mind, they're my concepts, they're my drawings,

They're my drawings. You're not going to find them in any store. You're not going to find them anywhere else, but at harlemwilliams.com. So there should be some brand new shirts going up there very soon, probably the first week of December. And get on my Instagram. My Instagram is just Harlan Williams.

Look for the blue checkmark to make sure it's the authentic one. You can't believe how many imposter Harlan William pages. there are, but if you see my picture where I'm wearing the leather jacket and looking stylish and I got the tie on and there's a little blue checkmark beside my picture. I think I have about 50,000 followers, so that'll give you an indication as to it being mine. Most of the imposter Instagrams have like, you know, five followers or 10 followers or things. I don't even know why they do it. I'm sure there's some nefarious reason to put it. I'm sure there's some nefarious reason to put up an imposter, you know, sight.

But whatever it is, don't get duped. And so there you go. A little Christmas idea, a little Christmas thing. And also, while I'm here, let me plug one more thing. If you didn't know, I'm also a writer. Yeah, I write. And I put out my first book, a collection of short stories called Don't Look Under the Bad. And they're kind of very twilight zone-ish.

and kind of weird, and one of them's scary, and one of them's kind of obscure, and one of them's kind of intense. I mean, they're all really fascinating stories, I believe, and people that have read the book are really enjoying it. So I urge you to pick up my first book. It's also right there on my website. You can go to the books page,

and you will see a link that will take you right to where you can order the book off of Amazon, and they will mail it to you. You can get a digital copy or you can get a hard copy. And it's a really fun, quick reading. There's three short stories in there. And when I say short, they're fairly long. The whole book is about, I think, 230 pages long or something like that.

So I'm very excited about the book just came out and would also make a great Christmas gift for people you know. Or if you want to give yourself a present, I have a feeling you'll like my book. I hope you'll like my book. If you don't, it's made a paper. You got one more thing to burn in the fire, I guess. So there you go.

That's beautiful. And thank you for that message. Thanks for playing that, Roger. Now, let's move on. Enough of the endorsements, man. Let's move on. It's Christmas, damn it. Whoops.

Shouldn't say that. Just Christmas. And as I've been saying, you know, it's all about love and togetherness and harmony. And, you know, I think it's fitting that maybe we talk about the African-American Christmas experience. Because, you know, we had a pretty tumultuous last year and a half with the whole Black Lives Matter thing. and you know all the and Christmas is the time for giving and sharing and loving

caring and all that fun stuff and well I guess as we've learned from listening to this podcast that's the reason for this podcast you know it's a time of year where yours truly me moi is French for me I wanted to put something out there

just to say hey and share a little love and Christmas joy and all that good stuff. So I hope you've enjoyed today's little Christmas podcast and had a few laughs and had a few fun thoughts and whatever else comes with it. And I hope you have a great, wonderful Christmas. That's kind of my real message here is I'm hoping you have a great wonderful holiday and have joy and love in your heart. And you share that with the people around you, the people that are important to you,

and even random strangers in the street. It never hurts to share a little love and joy with just about everyone you bump into. So here's to you and yours. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. And have a very happy special New Year, too. And, Raj, why don't we go out with a good old juicy Christmas Carol, and we'll say goodbye.

Close down the Harland Highway. And Merry, Merry Christmas. Chicken, Chalmaine, baby. It's Christmas. Baby, please come home. Yeah! The snow's coming down I'm watching the phone

Lots of the people around Baby Cleas come home The church felled in town They'll ringing us on What a happy sound Baby Clears come home They're sitting in death the horse But it's not like Christmas at all

I remember when you were here And all the fun we had left here And in lights on a tree I'm watching them shine You should be here with me Baby please come home Oh, baby, it's good. Maybe it's good.

They're singing at the horse, but it's not like Christmas at all. I remember when you were here and on the phone we had left to you if there was a way I'd hold back this tears. tears but it's Christmas Day

baby please come home Oh, baby, please come home. Baby, please go home. We love you, and we can't wait to hear more from you. Probably the same size as your fucking big brown area. lies on your saggy tit bag.