The Harland Highway - HOWIE MANDEL how to stop the bleeding, how to cook the yeast, and a phone call to a dead friend!!

Episode Date: June 23, 2026

WINGMAN is out now on Gumroad, Apple TV and Amazon Prime! GUMROAD- https://thewingman.gumroad.com/l/ WINGMANAPPLE TV-https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9t This episode is sponsored by Hims, Quince!- To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, HairLoss, Weight Loss, and more, visit Hims.com/Harland. -Go to Quince.com/harland for free shipping on your order!Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=enHowie Mandel:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/howiemandel/?hl=enWebsite: https://www.howiemandel.com/X:https://x.com/howiemandel?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That was easy. This episode is brought to you by Activia. You might already be eating yogurt, but not all yogurts are created equal. Activia contains over one billion probiotics per serving to survive and reach the gut alive. When it comes to gut health, Activia is the number one family doctor-recommended probiotic yogurt brand. Choose Activia. Feel good from the inside out. Visitactivia.ca for more details. Hey gang, great news. For those of you that don't have streaming service or don't have Wingman available where you live, you can now download it and watch it on Gumroad. Just follow the directions. Go to the link as seen here on the screen and enjoy Wingman. Also, don't forget, if you're in Kansas City, Kansas City on June 26 and 27th, I'll be at the Comedy Club, the Juicy Juicy Comedy Club, Kansas City, June 26 and 27th. I'll be at the Comedy Club, Kansas City, June 26th.

26 and 27th. We'll see you there. Get your tickets at harlomwilliams.com. You know, people don't come from far and wide. You can't come from... Fat people do. From wide? And far.

Because they're so girthy. They can't help but come from far and wide. Is that a saying that people come from far and wide? For fatties. Not for people like me and you, thinnies, but for the jumbo shrimp. Are there people that think they're too far?

Yeah. Well, you've seen them. Some of them are really far. and wide. Oh wow, I didn't think of that O-Zempic milk. Like if you take those Zempik, are you going to give Ozumpic milk? Is that what you're saying? I would imagine that if a woman who is given birth or is nursing a baby takes Ozempic.

Yeah. I would imagine, like they say you're not allowed to drink and you're not allowed to do drugs because it goes through the, do you want to wear a headsets? It's up to you, guy. want to mess up your hair. All right. I could just try to put it on my... When I say hair, I mean there's one hair sticking up that I think you missed.

And I don't want to mess that up. That's what I meant. I wasn't being facetious, pretentious, or... I'm so... I'm so honored that you would... You love these. That you would whittle me. Do you know what it means?

They say that... To be whittled? The best flattery is... when somebody does an impression or copies you, but if somebody whittles you... Yeah. Yeah. It's not... It means a lot.

That's why you're a good friend. Would you do the... How'd you make the eyes? Well, they were whittled, but here's the thing. The thing that I'm bummed about is the artist who did it, did a great job. Not you.

It wasn't me, but they're too big. I asked them to make them a little whittler. Both of them? Yeah, they need to be a whittler. The widower one? Yeah. The one on the side, the O-Zemp. The bigger...

There's two. Yeah. There's two, and then you. Wow. I see 3PO. But... That was a show in the 60s. Sharky.

3PO Sharkey. Oh, yeah. With, I think, Tim... Burton? No. Tim Conway? Tim Conway. Or was it?

No, McHale, the guy from McHale's Navy. 3PO. C-3PO. Or is that from Star Wars? Sharky. Sharky. Did you remember? Wasn't there a three?

CPO Sharchy? HB. Was he an accountant? Was it C-P-H-Sharkey? Or was it? I think it was a sitcom. This is what I'm going to remember. I'm going to remember that, and then they were, they shot it at NBC, and there's a very

famous clip of Johnny Carson who went over and because, I think it was maybe Don Rickles. I can't remember who it was, ruined his cigarette case, broke it, and then he went over on the set of 3PO Sharkey, and I'm wrong. But these are good facts. And it's a great story because no one knows. No one's going to Google it and fact check us. So you just told a great opening story. It's a great opening.

Is there any way that you could take that story and put it near the end? Visit BetMDM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and Game Sense remind you to play response. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you,

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please. Okay. For you? Are you kidding? Of course I will. Why are you looking over the room of your glasses? You never do that? Because these, I can't see through these. You can't see three P.O. They're too. They're very dark. I got these. Oh. I was inspired by a blind jazz musician. Oh. And the thing is, I can't see a thing. But when I wear these, I can play incredible jazz. Really? And I was never able to do that. What do you play the sax, the horn? What? The radio.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's amazing. I can play, oh, I wish I would have brought it because I could play incredible jazz on my radio. Oh. And people come from far and wide. I think I've heard you on K-Jazz. You know, people don't come from far and wide.

They can't come from-fat people do. From wide? And far, because they're so girthy. They can't help but come from far and wide. wide. Is that a saying that people come from far and wide? For fatties. Not for people like me and you, thinnies, but for the jumbo, the jumbo shrimp. Are there people that think they're too far? Yeah. Well, you've seen them. Some of them are really far and wide. That's one. And you're with a heavy person. I always say, I'm with her. Yeah. Yeah. And then that's, that's a subtle way.

If you just underline the width. Yeah. I'm with her. And they know that I mean fat. Yeah. And I was with a fatty the other day and I said, you're pretty heavy. Are you okay? And he goes, I get around. And I said, no, you are around.

I said to a woman, I've talked about this in my act a little bit. I said to a woman, this, you should never do this. I saw a woman that was, and I went up to her and I said, how, it's so embarrassing. I love this. I might put this at the end already. I haven't heard it yet. but I might, this might go right to the end after the other one.

I was trying to be nice. I was trying to make a conversation. She was obviously pregnant. pregnant. So I said, how long have you been fat? And it turned out she was pregnant and she wasn't fat. I ruined the punchline. Why?

Because I said pregnant. But she wasn't. She was fat. But that was your punchline. Can you start again? No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. No, it was a switcheroo.

Because you think I'm going to say how long have you been pregnant or how far along? are you? Oh, wow. So that's, that's, yeah. And then I go, how long have you been fat? Yeah. And that's where the surprise comes in. But it, it's a true story. Fat, pregnant women are such an oddity. I was shopping at IKEA about three months ago, and I sat on a pregnant woman. I thought she was one of the nerd de glargdens. Like just that odd shape. I thought she was sort of a beanbag, IKEA. They call it a nerd de glunkin or something. It's sweet. Right. And you think, because a pregnant woman is predominantly made up of a woman and a small child. Yet they're not fully assembled.

Right. That's why if you see them at IKEA, you think this is like, how do I put this together? Well, here's the other kicker, my guy. I wanted to get up off her. You should not kick. No, it was kicking. The baby was kicking. That's the thing. I wanted to get up, but a pregnant woman, you think she's a chair, she's a massage chair. I'm sitting on her tubby,

and I feel these little face. fingers going up my back up and down little feet. I had the time I stood up my arthritis was cured. But sometimes you can't tell the difference between a fat woman and a pregnant woman. And people, people, they'll touch. They'll put their hand on a woman's stomach. And they did it even to my wife when she was pregnant. And I would never do that. That's why what I do when I see somebody I think is pregnant, but I don't know if they're pregnant or fat, what I do is I'll just insert like either my index finger or the two fingers into her vagina because I want to see if she's dilated. And if she's dilated, then I'm not going to offend her. Right. If she's not dilated, I know she's fat.

Brilliant. If she's dilated, then I know she's pregnant. And that way I don't open my mouth. I don't put my foot in my mouth. I put my finger in her vagina. Dude, people say there aren't any gentleman anymore. And what you just told me, the courtesy dripping off of you. Because I'm an older person.

The kids today, the kids today, no respect. No respect. And by the way, if you are confused, if you do see a fat woman or a pregnant woman, and you're not sure, this is my little tip. The pregnant women, their belly button stick out. It looks like someone punched a cyclops in the eye, like a swollen cyclops eye. A fatty, the belly button goes in so deep. I saw a fatty once.

I shoved my fist all the way in the belly. button. Have you ever heard of noodling? Couldn't a doodling? Noodling is a form of fishing in the Midwest where gentlemen stick their hand in a muddy hole on a riverbank and a giant catfish consumes their arm and they pull up. They literally fish with their fist

and I shoved my fist into this fatty's belly button and pulled out. I think it was over a 54-pound bluegill. It was like right-noodled right and that's how you know. And will you use her own? lint as the fishing line or would you do you what do you you you use your fist that's how they do it you're not allowed to use any type of fishing lure or line or it's actual you have to use your fist to catch the catfish this is a real sport noodling navel noodling well yeah for the fatties sorry i got my tongue got caught up on my cleft tooth i have a some kids have a cleft lip i have a cleft

tooth. Really? Yeah. So do you have a speech impediment? What? What? Do you have a speech impediment? Oh, I can't hear you. God, I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm saying you have a speech. Oh, you can't hear me. Oh, there you go. Do you have a speech impediment? No, not at all. I speak the God's good king English. I don't know what you're referring to. I'm sorry, then I forgot, I had forgotten to put on the. That's okay. That's all right. But buddy, I'm sorry you had that incident with the pregnant woman.

Do you think as a man you could handle pregnancy? Like, for realzies? For realzies? I don't think I could handle menstruation. I would, if I, like, if it was, if I was, if I had a, I used to also talk about this. If just naturally, my crotch would bleed monthly. Okay. I wouldn't, I wouldn't be, I used to talk about.

about this, I wouldn't go out. I wouldn't go out. I find it fascinating that there's a percentage of the women you go into a shopping mall or you look out into the audience. There's a good chance that 2% of the women are bleeding as you're entertaining or as they're shopping. Yet they act as if nothing's happening. Can you imagine like you just go shopping or you just go galivanting with your nuts, bleeding, bleeding, dripping blood, hemorrhaging nuts? It depends. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off.

I was gonna say, if I could just introduce, what blood type are you? Oh. Oh. Oh. No, I didn't, I didn't prepare to know. Oh, well, be specific. What?

Oh. Do you have a knife or something I can? I've got a drumstick That's not a knife though Oh don't no don't Don't cut yourself I get squeamish

I get squeamish With blood I'm gonna I'm gonna go but that was a good question Don't be a cutter That's a good question please no Cutty cut cut cut cut Cutt

No cutie cut cut Me no like cutty cut No you're not Oh no I, folks, I think I've talked about this on the podcast before. I'm a fainter. If I see blood, I'm a six-foot-two grown Canadian boy who played hockey my whole life. And the embarrassment of my life is that when I see blood, I pass out.

So God forbid how he Zachary Mandel runs in here bleeding. I don't want to see anyone cut themselves. I don't want to see blood. Oh, God. Oh. I hit, they used that, I couldn't, like I see the, what type of blood is this? Oh. Oh.

So then it's O. What? What's going on? Oh. So, oh, is that the type? Oh. Oh. You could tell just by looking at it.

So? Oh, God. Are you positive? Positive. Oh, positive. Oh, positive. That answers. Oh.

Do you have a... Does anybody have any gauze or a band-aid or... Aids? What? I need like... Oh, Amber, can you bring a tampon? You said it's blood, right? Do you have tampons?

Do you have a tampon you could bring? He's bleeding. Does this happen once a month or? No. You know who would be great? I agree no men should have a period, but there's one guy, I think, would have excelled at having a period. If I could just say, submit for your consideration. Jackson Pollock, one of the most prolific artists to come out of the American art system.

If he had a period and he could do the splits. Yeah, and have a pulley system. and just swing around in his barn. Can I have... Amber, do you have some tampons? Well, it's not a tampon, but... Do you have any in your purse? Pads?

Wings. Do you have anything with wings? A chicken wing? Always. Always. There's always things. Yeah. Those always things. Do you have a douche? Oh, wait, there's... Amber right there's on the table there.

Bring that to me. What is that? Let me just... Let me see right here. This should help. It's stinging. It's stinging. What is that? It's Lees-Bleeze, feminine wash. Bobby Lees, he has his own line of feminine wash.

Oh, this is, get the blood off. Get the blood off. Put it on. It's Lees-blease. So I'm bleezing. Oh, there you go. Oh. Yeah. Oh. There you go. And then here's, that should, thank God we had some Lees-blees. Yeah.

It's normally Lee's Breeze, but he has. a bit of an Asian dialect. Yeah, okay. All right, summer's here, and if you're like me, you just want to be wearing something that feels summery, lightweight, breezy, almost like you're wearing that warm summer air, but you still feel good, right?

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Now available in Canada as well. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Harlan for free shipping and 365-day returns. That's right, quince.com slash harland. Don't just feel your summer, wear your summer. Oh, yeah, do you want some help wiping or? God, you look like you just, you're the, it's almost like if the, if alien had a gynecologist. Stinging to cut.

Oh, oh. Is there alcohol in that? Ah! Oh, God. Oh, geez. Ow! Please. Please.

Oh! Please. Ah! Please. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, God. Are you all right?

This episode sponsored by Bobby Lees. Lees-Bleeze Feminine Wash. If you have an itchy bl-what? Oh. Okay. Are you all right? Yeah. God.

Oh, boy. Boy, what did I miss? How long was I out? I fainted twice. I guess I should we start the show? Go ahead. Can I start with that? Oh, no, that's, I want to all that.

Folks, welcome to the Hall-Haw-A-Wa-Poket. I do guarantee. That's right. Howie Mandela is here today. Why are you talking with? I'm pointing to the sign. What? What is it?

More vowels than any other other episodes you've ever done. Vowels? What's a vowel? Add vowels. Ha-la. What blood? type are you? Yeah.

Oh, so you're a vowel. And I forget what type. Oh. Oh, boy, here we go. This, today's episode brought to you by Lees Bleas. If you have a ripe, itchy area that looks like someone dropped rhubarb off a ceiling fan, you might need Lees-Bleeze Feminine Wash. Yes, get rid of that sandpaper,

feel in your underpants and the smell of toothpicks. Oh no, did you do it again? Oh, I don't know what is. Uh. Are you positive? Oh, uh-huh. Oh, I think you have type O. Oh. Can you hold that up to the kit? Just turn your head. Yeah, maybe they know. Yeah, that's type O. Oh, it hurts. Oh, God. It's going everywhere. Is there any way to get, wipe it off? Yeah, I have some Lee's Bleas. If you need a, do you like Leesblees? I'll try it. Are you doing anything this weekend before we clean that up? No way. I'm going to Vegas and I have tickets to, oh, Cirque to Solet. There you, oh, oh, oh, oh no. Oh, it's got alcohol in it? Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, howie. There, Leesblees. Lees, folks, if you have an itchy, watery ragtime muffin or your hands are covered with your own dirty blood, Leesblees, this episode sponsored by... Lees, please. If you have an itchy, rashy, dirty English muffin, please please are you okay yeah why why wow your blood smells a lot like hinds has anyone ever told you that

no okay why would you say that i don't know it's just your blood usually i can't smell blood but your smells a lot like french fries and i feel like we missed a lot of what we were going to talk about let's try to catch up yeah what i said we you want to I'm trying to give you a condiment. This is a really good podcast. Okay, and I relish your statements. I really do. I know people are thinking, oh, that must-turred.

You're a must-hard? What'd you say? Oh, I'd use the M-word. Just to remind, folks, Lee's blees, if you have a swollen crab cake between your legs or a mushroom that's puffed up like a dirty shrimp cocktail, Lee's Breeze to bring down the swelling, clean up that horrible onion soup odor,

and kick your sister right in the big, vainy forehead. Please, please, please. Sorry, I hate to do the sponsorship thing, but we have to. I think you got it. Yeah. I have to. I think you got it. But that pays for this. This huge production you have going on.

What? Just to, I'm fascinated by all the, The production value? Yeah. We have two cameras and a sign. And you know what the kicker is? This plays all over the world. I have a viewer in Scotland.

Do you really? I have a viewer in Ethiopia. All over the world. That's not the same viewer that goes to country to country to watch it. Shit. Yes. So he doesn't see every episode.

Oh, do you have to be somewhere? No, I'm getting texts. Can we read it? Oh boy. This is the personal life of Howie Mandel right now. You can read my texts. I'll put it on my phone. Yeah, this is the personal side, an unscripted like this just came in now. You're going to get the inside look at Howie Mandel's life. You're not going to see this even on his own podcast, how he does stuff. Thank you. This is an unscripted inside look into the life of celebrity superstar comedian, producer, writer, Howie Mendel. Read it out loud, please.

Here we go, gang. You won't get this anywhere else. Ah, who's writing you, the Hulk? I'm trying to read which one just came in. Okay. Oh. Oh, that's your blood type. Oh, this is from a guy named Blutman.

Do you know Blutman? Bluteman. Yeah. He says, period, period, brutal drive. There was a combination of a stall car and an accident on the other side, which slowed people down and blocked a ramp and a Cig alert.

I'm here now. He's at my office. He was supposed to be at my office way before I left because he was going to come with me to this. So he wrote, period. I don't know why, period. Period.

Brutal drive. There was a combination of a stalled car. So he's at the office. So he's coming here with me to the podcast. But what he doesn't realize is I left the office. That's why I am here. And are you here? Yeah, but he thinks he's coming to Harlan Highway with me.

He wanted to come to Harlan Highway with me. But just to confirm, you're here. Yes, and he's at the office because he's going to drive with me, but he had to come from his house to my office. I came here from my office, so he was going to come in my car. And he's late because of a Sig alert. And folks, if you're wondering about the downside of smoking, this is what it does.

It slows down life. It slows down people. it impedes their progress. If you people weren't out there smoking and creating a Sig Alert, his friend would have been here now. But bigger than that, folks, you just got an inside look

behind the scenes of a celebrity A-list power player's life. Unscripted, no TMZ, no publicist, no gerrymandering, no adjusting, no editing. This is pure raw Hollywood happening. Right in front of your eyes. Did you hear this, folks? his friend got stuck in traffic. There's that we also, I got this too.

This just came out. There's more? Yeah, my friend Mike wants me to vote for him. Folks, this is unscripted on his friend Mike. And there was another friend in a traffic delay. He put up a sign for Senate. He's running for Senate. And that's basically it.

That's all I got. I got two. That's it. Dude, if any of us could even have part of that in our day. And this is what it's like to be a celebrity to, Run with the power pack. I do. The thing is, for me to be...

Wow! Wow! That's not even the hardest part of my life. The hardest part of my life, honestly, to be... I want to put it, I don't want to sell... Are you getting emotional? I am a little bit. Okay, I'll just take your time.

To be this... See, people take me for my looks, and to be this, to be... I don't know if you can use this being a man, but gorgeous, as gorgeous as I am. Yeah. to be as like, I'm a stunner. You know, and the thing is they think less of you as a person, and I want people to take me as who I am in here, not this. Yeah.

And this. You're not a piece of meat. And sometimes I feel like one. And that's why I am getting emotional. But sometimes, no, and sometimes, you know what, I get, listen, it's a gift, and I get that. Yeah. But sometimes this gift.

people buy into it because of how it's packaged and not what's inside the wrapping. And this is just wrapping. But there's so much more going on inside. And I know that people are probably watching this now and sharing it on their mobile devices and stuff. Look at how that gorgeous guys on. Yeah. On Harlins. I always forget the name of where I am.

I do too. Yeah. I just out of my peripheral I see the ND. and sometimes I just think I'm on the ND. Oh, in Harlan, that's the part you forget? No, it's all I can see out of my peripheral. Unless I turn around. Unless I turn around and do this.

Yeah, and then what? Then you see the whole thing. Sometimes I see the AY and I think I'm at one of those nightclubs because I'm like, is the letter before that a G. How did you wear out the bottom of the word podcast? Like, how did that get worn out? You know what happened? It's at the bottom.

Am I cleaning lady? comes in in vacuums and sometimes her vacuum hits up, but you know what it hits against the bottom of things? And so her vacuum hits that and sort of sucked some of the letter off. Because everything's, so your podcast has been sucked. It's been sucked off. And then up there, if you put a G in front of this, it's gay. So if you wanted to, if you're gay,

and there's nothing wrong with being gay. But if you wanted to call it the gay suck off, that's okay. That's okay. because that's any detective would conclude if Sherlock Holmes was here, oh, I say if you'd replace the W with a G, that would be gay, and your cleaning ladies clearly sucked off the bottom of this word. So it's the gay suck-off podcast, old boy.

And specifically the bottom. Yeah, the bottom. That's where gays feed. Bottom feeders. Yeah, they love it. None of them have that top. No, they like the bottom. They're like the noodlers of the sex world.

They're like catfish. They're always sniffing around the bottom. Newlars is the fisting that you're talking about. The fisting. You use your fist for bait at the bottom. And then the giz-j-j-j-j-j-j-focus. Folks, Lee's breeze, even if you have a dirty catfish hole that needs surrender. Well, I shouldn't over-sell, but...

How many times do they make you read that for a lot? These douche people, they really like, they really suck you dry, these doucheers. Can you make noises with your testicles? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can I hear? Yeah.

What can you do? Listen to this. Oh, put the headphones on it. We'll hear it right through the headphones. No, no, on your testicles. I'm going to put the microphone on. Oh, oh. Here we go.

Wow. That makes sense, an elephant. You know, you got the trunk. Oh, was that the testicles or the other part? Oh, the Pac-Man. That's so cool. Like the video, how do you, and it sort of looks like two Pac-Man. Wow.

Can I try? Go ahead. You don't mind? I don't mind. I got my headsets on. Okay, go ahead. Okay. Go ahead.

Can I say it first, just to push. myself? How about chimpanzees? Like monkeys? You're going to make your testicles sound like monkeys? Chimpanzees, specifically. And also not just chimpanzees, but in a heightened sense of anxiety. Well, you know, to be, you want to be specific, they'd be chimpanzees. Correct. Okay. Right? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Wow. Dude. That's amazing. What in the name of Otto Bond's demented daughter, Carol, did we just do? I don't know, but if I wasn't a judge, you and me would win a show I know about. What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's...

Wait, was that my audition to get on? You just did that thing again with your glad. Can I tell you what you're doing to me? Yeah. I don't know if you have time in your life to reference this. Okay. But Francis Ford Coppola did a move years ago with Canal Reeves and Gary Oldman called Dragul or Dracula. There's a flashback scene where Dragul is in, you know, England, early 17th century. And Winona Ryder walks by, Dragul has transported himself into the busy London streets with a top hat and a beautiful English coat. and he sees Winona Ryder on the other side of the thing, on the street, and he's wearing the exact same glasses,

and he does what you're doing to me. He lowers them in the scene, and he looks at her, and then through his mind he telepathies. She senses he's looking, and he goes, I've crossed oceans of time to be with you. I'm sorry, I was thinking about something else. So Francis Ford Coppola did a film. Go ahead.

Okay, well, so he did a big vampire movie. Right. And Gary Altman plays Dragoor. It's 7th Century England, and they do a flashback scene where Gary Oldman's dressed in a top hat and fine English decor. He sees Winona Ryder all decked out on the other side of the street. He's got the little glasses exactly like yours. Right. He sees her.

She senses someone's looking at him. She looks over and he's there and he lowers the, he does what he. you do and he goes, I've crossed oceans of time to be with you. I feel like I've heard that someplace before. The only Gary Oldman movie I saw is he played a dwarf, a little person. Oh. Did you ever see that one? No. He played a little person? What was it called? I'm gonna, can I, am I allowed to Google while I'm on yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. You know what movie Gary Oldman could never do? Which one is that? Youngblood. I don't know that one.

Which one is that? What is that? Does it matter? It doesn't matter, but he's not allowed to do it. Well, he's Oldman. How could he do Youngblood? Oh. I've crossed oceans of time to be with you.

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See website for details and important safety information. Salindafil is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Vaitris, specialty LLC. Hymns is not affiliated with or endorsed by Vietress. Okay, so guys, get to work on that ED, hem it up for you, for him. Just get Hems. It's called tiptoes. Oh.

Do you know that movie? I do, yeah. It's with the Gregory Hines story when he was a, wasn't he a tap dancer? No. Oh. Here, look, I'll show you it. I'll show you that this is him. Tiptoes.

Tiptoes. allowed to, are you, am I allowed to show you trailer? Yeah, sure, I love trailers. Where do you go camping? I used to go up to Yellowstone when I was a teenager until I got murdered. Really? Wait, did I get murdered? I don't know.

But it's just, you could put in, will you put in the trailer for tiptoes right now? Yes. It's one of my favorite films. Oh, I didn't know this. Yeah, I love it. Based on true story. And I love true stories. And I love Gary Oldman. And to Do you want to say the line?

What is it again? I've crossed oceans of time to be with you. I've crossed oceans of time to be with you. Oh, ho. That was, that, Howie, that was actually too good. Was it? I was doing this as a goof,

as a one-off, like a spoof goof. No. This was really good. When it comes to acting, I take acting really seriously. I really do. I was in a show called St. Alcer. I started out with Denzel Washington. I know.

taught him just about everything he's known. And when you watch this, I'm like, I'm not kidding, though. I saw a glimpse into your dramatic acting. We were talking earlier about our friend Norm MacDonald. Yes, we were. Who often played the anti-actor.

If you watched any of his movies, he'd always be like, ah, I'm kind of acting here. Oh, yeah. Like, he'd always kind of send up the acting. Like, he was acting, but he was kind of acknowledging he was acting. Okay.

And for that reason, I don't think, and this is no disrespect to norm, I don't ever think he came off as a great actor. Well, but he had it. I bet you he would disagree. He would disagree. Get him on the phone. I'm telling you he would disagree. But before I get him on the phone, can I just tell you,

because I don't want it to sound like I'm insulting him, there was a glimmer, just like I saw with you, his acting could be amazing. He had a small part in that, the world, the America against Larry Flynn. Do you remember that movie? Norm had a small part as a journalist, and I think he was only in it for about three minutes,

but he had to play it very serious and do real acting, and he was almost Paul Newman-esque. He looked like Paul Newman, and his acting was like, I remember seeing it. I was his buddy at the time. I was like, oh, he's going to do the thing. And I was like, man, that was like a riveting moment. I think I did.

But I'm just saying, I just saw that in you. Okay, okay. That's a beautiful. You don't tell somebody else that or tell them that. Well, you know him. You're his bud too. I know. I don't talk to him as often as you might.

Hang up. How? He's going to love this. Yeah. Oh, hello God? Yeah. Norm MacDonald, please. I don't know his room.

Do you know his norm's room number? Is it 715 God? It is. Okay. Oh, there he is. Hey, buddy. It's Harland. Yeah, here with our other Canadian buddy, Howie Mandel.

Howie Mandel. Yeah. We were just singing your accolades. We were talking about your role in, was it the United States? Oh, Tiptoe. Oh, no, no, that's Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman. I always get Gary Oldman in Tipto's mixed up with Norm McDonnell.

Is Gary up there? No. He's still alive. Okay. Yeah. What do you mean? You hope he goes the other way? You don't like Gary Old.

Howie loves him. I think Gary Lillman is a really good. I don't know him personally, but I think he's a nut. Norm wants him to burn burn, burn and bribe brimstone for eternity, stabbing babies with pitchforks? Why would Norm say that? I don't know. It's Norm, not me.

Norm, you're coming off negative and it's not very heavenly. Okay, don't tell me you to fuck off. I told you to fuck off. Oh, so he's changing it. Okay, you apologize. He said, tell Howie to fuck off. Oh, okay.

I will. Yeah, if you are, to talk to him. He's right here. Okay. I hope you're doing good, buddy. How are your angel wings? Yeah, I've got some, yeah, Lee's Breeze. Tell him it's got alcohol in it. It's got alcohol in it. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay, here he is Howie. He wants to talk to you. Wow. It's exciting. Norm McDonald, gang. Hey, you're dead right. Wait. I'm dying. It's funny.

He's funny. You're killing me! Yeah. Yeah. No, I did see it. He watched the only saw the last special he did, that they ran on Netflix where he did it on the laptop. Oh, on his laptop.

No. Can I say, I thought you were so much better than the audience response you got on that one. Do you hang up? God? Yeah. He doesn't want to talk to us? Saddam Hussein? He made it up there?

Do you want to talk to Saddam? I don't. People don't realize he was a sweet man. He was? I don't know how he made it up there. Because he was a sweet man. I can't believe what you read. Yeah.

You cannot believe the shit thing. You don't. He was one of the sweetest. He's like a little teddy bear. If you don't mind shutting the piehole, I'm on the phone with the Almighty Creator of all things the universe and the cosmos. And if you could just shut the pie hole for a second,

I'm talking to God. I mean, well, look, God, how he's pulling an attitude. Yeah, big Hollywood celeb. His friend was in a traffic jam. That's right, Sigler. Oh, you planned that. Does he not know we're on the suck-off gay podcast?

Howie wants you know we're on the suck-off gay. Yeah, he knows. Okay. Thank you. God. Say hi to Norm for us. That was nice. That was nice. It's a nice old direction. I didn't think we were going to go, but.

Well, you never know where the Lord's going to show up, Howie. You don't. That's the thing. It is the thing. People don't realize what the thing. People say, what's the thing? That's the thing. Well, I think it's Ben Grimm. The thing? Is Ben Grimm is the thing.

You didn't know this? Yes, I did know it. I didn't think that you were going to bring it up. I didn't think you were going to bring it up. Do you know who Ben Grimm is? Yes. And he's... Dave Grimm's brother?

He's the thing. He's the thing. From the Fantastic Four, the big orange brick guy that's Ben Grimm, the thing. Are you playing me right now, Guy? Oh, I didn't... I was talking about the actual... Oh, do you, the Fantastic Four? I never saw the movie.

Oh, well, just so you know, the big orange brick guy, his name's Ben Grimm, but when he's, they call him the Thither. You okay? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Okay. Okay. Buddy, can we switch gears to pastries? Let's do that.

Do you love pastries or no? What's your flavor? with I love with flavor I like chocolate your favorite pastry ever because I was going to say we're Canadians, we love donuts but I shouldn't assume that

but you might be a chrysilliant guy or something I am more classy I like the croissons but donuts we have Tim Horton do you have Tim Horton? I love Tim Hortons do they know what Tim Hortons is

yeah they know how do they know do we have them in America? Yeah they're in the northern eastern northern states like Ohio Texas is up there right near northeast just south of New York is Texas Texas they're all over the map they're all over yeah when so yes I do like that

what about this pastry my guy Hillsbury he's the doughboy that's the doughboy the the Pillsbury dough boy thank you what if I like a noodle him do it oh oh oh Oh, look me tender in the night. Whoa, dude, you got in deep. Yeah. You might get a yeast infection after that. You could.

Can I ask you a croissant? Yes, please. Go ahead. Does the Pillsbury Doe Boy have an actual name? I think that's it, isn't it? I mean, he's just a boy. Well, you're the Canadian comedy man. But your name is Harlan.

Yeah. So that's the Pillsbury doughboy. He's got to have a name. Yeah, should we give him a name? I would love to. Okay. Let's throw some names around. All right.

I'm thinking Elizabeth. Too, je nese qua la'est faire. How about Larry? Done. Done. Really? No, I think Larry is perfect. People go, where's Larry?

More people will say, What do you mean, the Pillsbury Dooboy? It just fits. It just fits. When you think of Larry, you think of, like, cinnamon rolls and cake. Yeah. Cakes and cookies, right? Yeah.

Let's go to Larry for some pastries. Let's go to Larry's and get some pastries. Nothing says loving like a good old-fashioned cinnamon roll. Ha-ha. Why didn't they bake feet on him, though? Like, he just, he sort of wobbles around on the desk. He doesn't walk, probably. couldn't they have got a little extra dough

and baked some feet on the little guy? Well, not even feet. Like one toe. They give him thumbs. Yeah, they gave him thumbs. But look at his feet. He's like a phyotomyed child. No toes.

Yeah. Well, because I think that he's used for other things. What do you mean? One in the pink, one in the brown. For the ladies. Oh, you think this is like a sex toy. For the ladies. Oh, wow.

So this is like a rabbit. Yeah, give me my dough boy. That's what the ladies are saying. So instead of walking around like this. Nothing says loving like a good old-fashioned cinnamon roll. It's more like nothing says loving like a couple of pink holes. A pink hole and a brown hole.

Yeah, sorry. The cinnamon bun was sort of the indication of the brown hole. Really? Yeah, if you look at a girl's anus, it looks like a very small cinnamon bun. It's sort of crinkled and has the spiral. Can we look at one? Yeah. Okay.

Amber bring in, wait, what? No. No. What I'd like to do, though, is this guy's made out of dough. Mm-hmm. And I believe if he's made out of dough, why the hell hasn't anyone ever cooked them? And if you don't mind, I'd love to throw him in the microwave real quick. Really?

I'm sure he'd like that. Imagine being dough your whole life and not being able to be cooked. He's just raw. He's like a walking yeast infection. Go do it. Do it. Are you going to do it now? I would love to. Let's do it. Okay, thank you.

You're welcome. Let's put him in the oven. I don't mind, do you? No. You know, I'm Jewish, and we have like a history. But this is the Pillsbury dough boy, and he's made of dough, and I feel like he belongs. This is like, this is like coming home.

Didn't people. Think the Jews were made a dough? I'm just saying. Hmm. Okay, but this is like physical dough like look at him. He's white. He's like an albino that crawled inside Casper the friendly ghosts What are you doing? No, let's see I don't know this is uh I think should we hit vegetables potato chicken and fish or popcorn whatever you want buddy you do what this is your highway I I think popcorn would give them a nice little ride. What are you doing? Why does this feel like 1939? Leave me along, you assholes.

Oh! Oh! Oh, wow. Oh, God. You smell that? I shut it off, please. Oh. Fucking pricks.

Oh. Ow, he's hot. Oh, look. Watch it. Oh. Nothing says loving like a good old-fashioned 350. 59-volt microwave. Wow, Howie, look.

Did he still ticklish? I think so. I'll just tap in the bottom. Wow. Okay, what were you saying, Howie? I got a name for him now. What? Bernie, instead of Larry.

Right? Oh, that's perfect. Bernie. And he does look sore. And what better time to apply, Lee's Breeze. Yes, Lee's Breeze. There's alcohol on that.

When you're on fire, Lee's Breeze can help get that awful stinging out of the way. Yes, Lee's Breeze. Nothing says loving like a good old-fashioned yeast infection. Can I plug my podcast? Yeah. How Amy Man Bell does stuff. It drops Tuesdays.

Are you okay? I would just wait from the stop screaming. That stuff first. It's got alcohol in it. Shut up. Stop screaming. Shut. Shut up, Bernie.

There. Let's get back to the podcast. Yeah. Buddy, we're almost done, which I hate, because our time together is like... Gold. It's like pure gold. I thought you were going to add something else.

I did add. What I added was silence. A lot of people... That was my silence. People are going to think that you were the quiet one, but that was my silence. I owned it. And that was just a moment of silence

for all of those, for all of those, that we must never forget. And I'm trying to remember who it was that we must never forget, but that was a moment of silence for them. And you don't remember who it was, though? No, but we must never forget them.

And that's why we give them a moment of silence. But I submit, how do we forget them if we don't know who they... No, don't forget them. Don't forget them, but who? But the people that we're honoring with a moment of silence.

But we should never forget them, ever. Never. And that's why I always, I won't do a show or a podcast or a presentation without taking a moment. Okay. Of reverence, in silence,

to remember those that we must never forget. I don't remember what you just said, but that's probably appropriate for that. Hey everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what?

I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs.

We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harblen. com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the, uh, the groovy images coming. Um, Howie, I know you're a fan of prank shows. You've done so many over the years. Six. You've done the wigs. You've done. I'll give you, you, you love them. Love them. So if I told you a little story of a prank show that I just did, would that be something of interest to you that you'd want to

hear? No. Damn it. No, yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Really? No, I'd love to. Because it was, funny. I'd love to hear a funny story. Okay. So you think a podcast is an appropriate place to kind of regale people with funny stories? I want to answer that, but I don't know what regale means. Do you think like there should be like entertaining repartee on a podcast, honestly? Repartee, I'm having a little trouble with. Is that another pastry you're talking about? Do you think that people listening and watching right now want to be, you know, do you think they want to partake in listening to hilarity? I'm having trouble with the word too.

But if I could tell my story, I mean, I'm not sure what you said, but... If you think that that is appropriate, go ahead. Because it's a reality show story. I know you love reality shows and pranks. Tell me. So there's this show called To Catch a Predator. And what they do is they go on the internet and they sort of bait people.

They create these chat rooms and they try to lure people to a bait house where they got a girl pretending to be younger than she is or a boy. And they lure these people. It's called To Catch a Predator. And they catch teachers and judges and all these creepy perverts.

do an inappropriate thing. I wasn't finished. And so what happened is I have a friend, I'm a big fan of DeKetcher Predator, and I wanted to be on it. And so I have a friend who works at a big cat animal sanctuary out in the valley, and they have this giant male lion named Kinga,

and they've trained them whenever there's food, they're like, kind of like Brad Pitt in that movie, you know, Hollywood Babylon or whatever it was. He trains his pit bull to attack when he whistled. Okay. So I got my buddy Dan to let me borrow this lion. Okay, I got online, found the bait house. I go in, I do the whole thing.

Oh, you got cookies, lemonade. I sit down with, didn't touch anyone. I'm not there for that. No. I'm there for the humor, for the prank. Right. So I pretend I'm interested. I'm going through all the motions, all those creeps do.

But for me, that's just a rude. I'm there for the comedy. I sit down, I'm talking to the girl. All of a sudden, Chris Henson from to catch a predator walks out. He does the traditional. So, what are you doing here? And I'm like, I do the whistle. This full-grown male Bengal fucking lion

smashes through the drywall, jumps on Henson. Talk about to catch a predator. He caught one that day. It eats him alive on camera. I think it's going to be their season. opener next year. Isn't that great? He caught a predator all right. You're kooky. Yeah. You are kooky. I do what I do to get the laugh. And if it means eating a seven foot tall, creepy talk show guy who hunts for purves, then I'm in. You go for the laugh. And the laughter is the best medicine.

Yeah. And you just served up an entire pharmacy on that one. You're not lying. No, I'm not. I'm kidding. He's not here. He's not here. But isn't that fun? Did you like? I thought you'd like that because I know you love pranks. I love it. To catch a predator and this guy finally caught one. Oh my God. Or it caught him.

I don't know how you want to phrase it. You did already. And I love the way you did it. What a time I've had. Well, let's do our final segment. You know it how we've words from a wooden shoe. You reach in random words. See if it triggers a story from Howie Mandel's incredible journey.

We didn't even scratch the surface. And this is our closing bit. And then we're going to do some more plugs and promotions after. Oh, wow. My guess don't leave without big promotion. Yeah. So this has a word. Yeah.

Using tools. Okay. So. Here we go, gang. One time, me and a bunch of friends were on a road trip. And the urge came on where I had to use the, restroom. You know, I had that. So we finally, after, and it's excruciating, I think I'm about to, you know, like, I mean, I'm that close to the turtle rearing its head. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Whoa. Brownie the clowny. Brownie the clowny. Yeah. And so I get, finally, we see in the distance, we see a light and it's a gas station. And in the middle of the desert, and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, this is like heaven sent. And I, we drive in. We drive in. I say to the guy, where's the restroom? He says, around back, I run around back, I whip down my pants and my underpants, and I sit there, and I unload. I unload, like, I've never unloaded.

Wow. Lo and behold, I look to my left, the bracket that holds the toilet paper is broken, and there is nothing on it. There is no toilet paper. And there's nothing in the room. and the there's just a sink

but here's what happened it's a gas station so I come out I leave my pants around my ankles and I walk like I just make my way around back through a back door into the garage

okay I'll just say I used the tools I use the tools to to wipe Yeah. Like vice grips or a screw, Phillips had? I started, I started with a ball pink hammer.

Okay. So I would, you know, I just got that. Yeah. Until the sheen was gone off the end. Then I took a screwdriver with a Phillips screw hand. Just got it out. And then there was something. It said black and dicker.

I don't know what it was. But anyway, the point was, and this is the weird part, the guy from the gas station walks in right in the middle. What the age? And he says, why are you wiping shit all over my tools? Like, what are you doing? Why are all my tools up your ass? And I said, I'm going to be honest with you.

It's not talking paper. What's your word? No, I don't know. It's just for the gas. You know how earlier we said we were going to do that top story you did at the beginning and put it at the end? Thank God you did it. Because this might have been the lemon of all. Like that might have been the worst story ever on any podcast ever.

But you did that one off the top. Somehow you intrinsically knew that that winner would go better at the end to save your ass. And we're going to put it in right now. You asking me to tell this story is like the same feeling I had when I finished crapping and there was no toilet paper. I feel, oh, you finished this. No, this is not going to be pretty. But I was comfortable telling you the story, knowing that I have that story from up top after that. You had the foreskin, the foresight to do it off the top.

Poor skin. Pardon? I don't have poor skin. Why, what are you Jewish or something? Yes. Have you said that this show? when you sent the young men into the oven. Microwave oven.

Don't distort history. This is a lot different. They didn't have, there were no microwave ovens in history in Germany. You don't think if there was, they would have used it? This is just, this millennium's version. I can't imagine Hitler using microwave ovens. I mean, popcorn, poultry fish, vegetables. Jews. Maybe this is a keeper at the end now. Well, can you...

I feel seen. You what? I feel seen. I feel like that's the feeling I have at the end of this. Seen. I feel sawn. That's my truth. Boy, I'm glad we did that thing off the top. Do you have a fish tank? It's the fridge. It's the little fridge. It feels like we're underwater. doesn't it? Do you hear the people hear that when they watch this? No. Okay. You can't hear it but the fridge is just going off the whole time I'll leave it in it. Let's go silent and I'll leave it in for them. It feels like we're in a submarine You have to record that put a mic there and just oh it's record the cameras are recording it So what I'll do is I'll just play the camera part you'll hear it but you should make that the underbed of the whole thing and not Yeah, yeah it's just different. Okay

Um, Howie, before we go, thank you for being here first of all. My pleasure. Can you please plug your television shows, your wonderful podcast, everything that's going on with you so people can find you and enjoy you and laugh with you? You can see, you can, uh, Howie Mandel does stuff as a podcast that I do. You can go to, um, Howie Mandel.com. You can watch the new season of America's Got Talent. you can download Best Guest Live on your phone

and it's every day, every weekday, I host. I don't host every day, but it's a game, a free game where you can win $15,000 a day. It's from Netflix. Oh, wow. Yeah, no, I'm very busy. I don't know how I found time to do this, but I did. I always find time for you, buddy.

Yeah, thank you. Can I just say, and I've never had an opportunity to say, you're banned, these guys here that are playing are amazing. Are they good? They really. Oh. They can't play over a compliment? They can't play very long.

They all have arthritis, severe arthritis, so they can do about 32 seconds, and then they have to stop. It's the name of the band, by the way, severe arthritis. Oh, I thought it was 32 seconds and stop. No, that's the other sex tape. Anyways. Well, thanks. Folks, Howie Mandel was here today.

Let's hit the 36 seconds again. And thank you, Howie, for being on to Halle Highway podcast. Folks, that's all we have time for today. Keep your yeast in the oven. And until next time, chicken chalemain, baby. It was good to hear from Norm again, wasn't it? Oh, my gosh. It sounded so great.

There's a very famous clip of Johnny Carson who went over, and because I think it was maybe Don Rickles. I can't remember who it was, ruined his cigarette case, broke it, and then he went over on the set of 3PO Sharkey, and I'm wrong. But these are good facts. And it's a great story because no one knows. No one's going to Google it and fact check us. So you just told a great opening story.

It's a great open. Is there any way that you could take that story and put it near the end? Because I want to close with something great, and I don't have an idea. The end of this. I don't want a really compelling story at the beginning. So I didn't think that was a compelling story. That's why I opened with it. Great one. So you want me to cut it and put it at the end? Please. Okay. For you? Are you kidding?

Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland. Are you one of those media strategy people clicking through slides, scrolling spreadsheets?

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