The Harland Highway - HOWIE MANDEL- Talks growing pains and the childhood hijinks that sculpted his life!

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

Harland Williams and Howie Mandel talk about childhood games, pranks, and growing up! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah. Daddy's coming home to Toronto, the place where it all started for me. April 12th at the Royal Theater, two shows, early show, late show. Come to both, come to one, just come. We're talking the Royal Theater in Toronto. Go to Harland Williams.com to get your tickets. There's still a few left. and let's have some laughs, my peeps. And then don't forget if you want your own personalized video message from yours truly, me, Harland Williams, you can go on Cameo, the Cameo app, and you can order a personalized video from me to you. And there are tons of fun. You've got to check it out. And then don't forget, we have our Harland Highway hotline.

if you want to leave a phone message 323-696-0-2-2-2 and you might end up on the podcast. Without any further delay, let's roll down the Harlan Highway. My favorite game was hide-and-go-seek. What's the longest you hid for? I know my mom called the police. I know that because they couldn't find me. Your mother had to call a 80s rock band to find you. You hid that well.

My mother called the flock of seagulls on me. They found me. And when I wasn't doing that, I would play Twister. Do you ever get hit by a cow? No, but I got my left foot on the green. I love Twister, but there's, you know, that fucking cat. I know, I know the movie. I didn't get it at first, and now I get it.

No, it's okay. It doesn't, better, like, than never, for me to get the reference. Play twister. Did you ever get hit by the cow? I like it. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams.

Oh, is your phone on silent, Howie? Nope. Well, I'll leave it up to you. You like surprises. We were not going to be taking calls? No. Yes, it is. Your phone's on silent.

Right. And are we taking, are you having people call in with pledges? Oh, should we? Well, I don't know. You have a phone number. Oh, that's the, hotline number that's a new thing people can phone and leave messages do you want a phone and leave a message later to myself well to the podcast and then i'll put your then you'll be on the podcast aren't i on the

podcast yeah but we see you wouldn't it be nice just to have your voice and not see you on the podcast do you want me go in the other room and you could yell the questions to me could we try one and see if it works all right now yeah just we'll just try one see if it works see if it works now yeah just we'll just try one see if works, and then, so if you want to go on the other room. All right, because podcasting is an audio, too, but you like to watch something, audio, go ahead. All right, tell me when you're ready. I'm ready, go ahead. So, Howie, Howie Mandel, what's your favorite restaurant?

Well, I have a wide array of tastes. I love, you know, I love Italian food, but I also love fast food and drive-thrues. So, but I am a comedian, so I've been on the road for many, many years as yourself. So late night fast food of any sort is what I enjoy. First of all, and before I finish answering, thank you so much, Arlin, for having me on the podcast for the second time. I can't hear you. What? I said, thank you so much for having me on the podcast for the second time.

no i don't i think i want to see you i miss i'm in your i'm actually in the building i'm just i know cameras shy today you know what howie i got to be honest i love looking in your eyes like and that's just like yeah that oh look at you look at you just see those yeah so i like looking in your eyes they say the the eyes of the window to the soul Really? And with you, it's more like your eyes are like the window of the filet-o fish. Thank you.

I really mean, thank you for allowing me to be here. Oh, dude, thanks for coming back. And especially the fact that you, and people don't know that you are, but they do know, that you're incredibly artistic, you draw, they buy your merch and your T-shirts, and you draw, and you do the art. But what people don't know is the ability. ability that you have with woodwork to whittle your guests and the fact that you made to howie mandel um yeah are those stab busts that would those be considered but you are just amazing

the fact that you were able to and i was not in the room when you were doing that yet you captured as you say you like looking into my eyes and i don't know if you can see closely in my but that's exactly the look i have and i don't look i'm i don't endorse anything i don't do commercials howie but i if you don't mind me saying i i learned how to whittle up at devry that that's from my night class at the rye but what is what's amazing is the these are so lifelike i i i a fun little thing to do would be to turn off the sound now and you show this video to a friend and have them guess which one is actually me the real me and which one is the real me and which one is the sculpt.

So turn off the sound? I'm just saying it's a little game. It's like you should work for the wax museum or the wood museum or whatever, but this is such an amazing likeness. By the way, and just if you could just hold that there for another 10 minutes, I was at the wax museum about three weeks ago, and I took a lighter in,

and I melted a bunch of the statues, and I created Pope Olivia Newton, John. No, Pope Olivia Newton, John. the third but just with a lighter a bit lighter wow the things that you get to experience no one can hold a candle to you yeah especially at the wax museum and i went down they have the horror area with the monsters and the rock and i got the lighter and i made sting kong unbelievable like a giant gorilla but sang like ska music and all right you can put that down with these fingers i carved that and if you want to

guess what kind of wood that is maybe you get to take it home is it morning wood yeah you just got yourself you do you have any other questions yeah do you have a question for me yeah um do you have termites but I wouldn't want to tell you what when you say wouldn't how are you spelling that I'm saying wouldn't I wouldn't want to tell you or I wouldn't with the apostrophe L D-N-T or are you saying W-O-O-D-N-T well we're talking about what I said before or am I saying it I don't really understand I don't know the question. What do you, what do you made, a wood dummy?

A wood dummy. This is like Jeff Dunham, eat your heart out. I'm traveling in your lane, buddy. This is like Pinocchio with SARS is what it is. Dude. A lot of people don't do ventriloquism like this, but I'm doing it where you don't see the lips of the puppet. moving but you see my lips moving oh so it's a reverse psychology puppet well this is doing the voice

yeah and i'm moving the lips no way i really have figured it out fuck off you fuck off wait was that who said that fuck off guy no you fuck off what what hey watch your mouth watch don't who the what the what the fuck do you do you see you see his lips moving you know what fuck off you you fuck off you fuck off right to a lumber yard and get your head cut open you fucking birch bark sucking termite licking freak you're barking up the wrong tree you're barking up the wrong tree yeah well why don't you just watch it before i get a knife and carve your carve you out and turn you into a canoe and paddle you all the way up fucking assmunch river well you rub me against the grain good night dude that was maybe one of the best wooden wooden um figure head improvs we've ever done on this podcast i study a lot of acting from this stuff dude great great yeah you want to

well i'm blocking my shot you can you want me to move it i don't know it's your podcast well here's the thing we already you already went out of the room and you got like we didn't even see you and now you're getting blocked by this and i feel like them the viewers carol kitten teeth and sal submarine twat we we want them to see howie howie mandel's the guest here on the harlan highway today folks right i've been on this uh podcast uh a lot but i've been seen the least yeah uh but we're glad you're here we're glad you're back and if you're okay I'm going to hit the theme music. Go ahead. Well, now, that's right, ladies, and you're on the Harlan Highway podcast with How am I

and we're going to have some fun here today. I always say the intro Cajun style. That's Cajun style? Yeah. I thought it was a cleft palate style. Well, one and the same, really. They are. a Cajun with a cleft palate.

I mean, that's your pretty... Three different things. Yeah? What are they? No, I don't know. I just know that I'm really... I know the number of things that you do when you meet Cajun with a cleft palate. I don't know exactly what they are, but I know there are three different things.

There's three. Always has been. Oh, God. You know stuff, others don't. Well, that's the way I roll. Howie, can I start? start the get, because sometimes a podcast can be challenging. It's a mental game.

Okay. And I wanted to see if we could do a warm-up exercise just to kind of get, get your juices going, get you in the game. All right. And I'll kind of drop it throughout the podcast, but what it is, we take a simple word. Okay. And I say it to you backwards. All right.

And then your brain sees if you can figure out what it is and forwards it. Oh, I said this is. This is an amazing, like a game show. Sort of. It's like a game pod. Oh. Dopp. It was pod.

You said pod. No, I haven't given you the word yet. Oh, I haven't given you the word yet. You got to say when the game starts. Okay. What I did is I had finished the game and then I went back. You finished it before it started. Backwards.

Okay, here's the word. Just this is to get the juices going and then we'll jump in. Here's the word. Galerif Roeerth True words One word? It's, uh, this is three. Well, you gotta, you gotta tell me.

Yeah, but it can, it's, it's, yeah, it's three words. Okay, go ahead. Galerif Roeerth. And it's just backwards. It's right there under your nose. The. Galerif Roeerth. The.

The And the juices are flowing, folks. The theater. This is what I wanted to happen. Galerath. Yeah. Oh, the flag of the plug? No, that's, no, that's not even a language, really.

Oh, yes, it is. Where? What country? We're in America. No, but that language you just did is from where. I did it. in America, and it came out of my mouth. No.

Yeah. Well. I'm right. I'm right. No, you didn't guess the word yet. I did guess the word. What was it? I forgot what I said.

Say it again. Say the backwards way? Okay. Hang on. Why do you have to put on glasses to say something backwards? Because my eyes have diarrhea. Okay. Golerif roweerth.

Golerif Roeerth Three words Common common thing Probably something Three is the Oh Three

Yep Goelir Three the three Say it again Galirif Roeerth Three or Three or

Three or Three or Three or Not to be confused with Eeyore from the 100-acre wood. Thanks for noticing me. And I didn't mean... Theory.

Three or theory. They're all around it, guy. Buttercup. Galerith. Galareth? What's the first word? The last word? Golerif. Oh.

Galerith. Phith. Golarith. The last word is goal that I'm phonically putting it together. Faragloff. The last, the last, the last word is goal. Oh, you're so around it, guy. Three, three for the faircloth.

No. The faircloth is flared. Dude, you're dancing around it like a pixie around demented mushrooms. The flagra fluff? Three, three, three or three, four, three or, four, three or, Daddy's dancing. Three or flaragata. It sounds like you swallowed a moth.

Well, I'm not being mean, but you're like three. And that's what a moth eater does. Is that what is it? No. Do you eat moths? No, but I will lick moth balls. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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Dude, I have a bug light in my bedroom. I don't want to go up. wow yeah so that that tells people something that i didn't think you want to share with them i'll share anything my friends have and single friends yeah like yourself they'll have those flesh they have those fleshlights you know what the fleshlight is no yeah you do it's a fleshlight it looks like a flashlight but it's an actual like it's a vagina oh my god you know that like it's a sex toy and they can oh you know what i'm talking about right oh so vaguely i don't that you have a bug light.

Yeah. So you, it's a tiny, it's the same thing, but tiny. Yeah. And it glows purple. And you know where that came from? When I was a little boy, our neighbors had a bug light. And every summer, I would dress up as Tinkerbell, and I just love it. And I would run into their bug light.

And they'd get so mad at me, because I don't know how many times I shorted it out, but I'd just jump into it and sizzle, like a summertime sizzle, like Landa Adelairee's nightmare. Wow. Yeah. Fligrite. Flugrite. Okay.

Is it Flugger? You're all right. Can I tell you? You tell me and I won't listen. Go ahead. Three hour fire log. Three, you got the three. I did get to three.

Have you ever experienced a three hour fire log? They. Not like right to the end. Bingo. I have lit a three hour fire log. log and I left that's why that's how I got I've never been um clinically diagnosed with ADHD yeah but the way I know that I have ADHD and a short attention span is I have bought hundreds of three hour fire logs throughout my life yeah and I've never been able to

remain till the end I'll tell you something how I know I feel you I feel your pain they are the hardest consumer item to return i had one that burned for two hours and 42 minutes right and you try taking that back and you dump these ashes on the thing it's it's they're not happy i didn't get three hours so and it they won't even give you like 20% back or whatever was remaining yeah yeah they won't well it screwed me up because i went on a date i planned around it i went on a date in a cabin in Montana. I wanted to make love to a girl on a bear skin rug in a log cabin. In a log cabin in Montana. And you brought your three hour? About a three hour fire log. You brought a three hour fire log. Did you say, did she know? She didn't know. But I was, you just, you, at the, you surprised her.

You want to see my three hour fire log? Yeah. Yeah. And I was going to time it just when it went out at three hours, we would do the deed on, by the way, the bear skin rug, a rare, albino grizzly. Only two left in the world. Your log finished early. Finished early. Pissed. Tried to return it.

You're pissed. Can you imagine how she felt? Yeah. She was not happy. She went out and punched an elk. We were in the woods. Punched an elk right in the face. Wow.

Yeah. Well, here's what happens. You dump the ashes at Home Depot or ACE's the place. I don't know. Where do you buy your three-hour fire logs? Lows. Loose. dump the ashes, and you go, hey, this fire log only burned for two and a half hours.

And they go, well, sir, how do we know that's not one of your grandparents? How do we know this isn't from an urn? And I'm like, fuck you. And then, you know, they poke around looking for eyelashes and femurs. That's why I keep my receipt. Oh, damn it, Mandel. Damn you, Mandel, out thinking me. No, you keep a receipt.

You dump the ashes. and then you keep the receipt. And then, well, I'm speaking for Lowe's. I don't know about where you shop, but they have always. Ace is the place, and I'm not endorsing them, but Ace is a place hardware at LeBray and Melrose, 432 in Hollywood.

And I'm not endorsing it. Ace is the plate. Mandel. Where do you get your, is that where you buy your, wait, is that how you whittled my head out of a three-hour fire log? Yeah.

My head is a three-hour firelock. So if we tossed your head in the fire, you would burn for three hours. And isn't that the way you want to do it? You want to time out your funeral meticulously? I love that. Isn't that great? Because a lot of people who decide on cremation figure it's just, you know, it's just done. Yeah.

But I love, I would say to the guests, and I could put that in writing before the day comes. We were just talking about how we're both getting older. Yeah. What a great idea. What a great idea that I, and the fact is that they must inject the wood with some sort of chemical or something that allows it to remain for three hours. Yeah, they embalm the wood. So I am going to find out, next time I go to Lowe's, I'm going to find out what that is that the wood is injected with. That's what I'm going to have myself embalmed with.

Right. And then order a cremation, so I will be a three-hour Howie log. What the fuck? Can you imagine all the people at a funeral? We got another half hour. A half hour of Howie. Another half-hour, Howie. But you know what?

Can I throw out a suggestion into your funeral plans? Go ahead. Maybe lay out a number of bearskin rugs at your... And then everybody fucks after. Everyone's making love, well, three hours. After, you said you timed it perfectly for after. So they just watch me, they just sit around. Just as your head's going out.

With a glass of wine, watching me burn. Three hour howie log. And then they do it in my name. Yeah. Wow. And then it's almost like the cycle of life. You're gone, but then they're procreating. Right.

And nobody knows whether they're coming or I'm going. damn it mandel he got me again i did it did wow hey everybody check out my merchandise at harbling dot com yeah most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie but not me yours truly guess what i draw my own designs at harbleng dot com you can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts you can either buy the original or you can buy a print and man oh man wear them loud and proud I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal so check out the whole catalog we got hoodies we got coffee mugs we got t-shirts you name it it's there at harbling.com get your harland original design

wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Do you like that when I use your last name? I've never done that before. It feels good to me, but you might be offended by it. But to go Mandel,

like I've never done that with you before, Howie. What's amazing is when you just say my last name, Before you say my first name, I have to guess who you're talking to. Oh, because it's backwards. Right. Three-hour fire lock. Because I have just, you've lit a, no pun intended, but you lit a fuse in me to, I want to be a three-hour fire log. So to say Mandel instead of Howie, it brings us back.

That is the circle of Harlan. Wow. Or Williams. But here's the thing. I don't want to be disrespectful. because it sort of feels good to say Mandel. I don't know if anyone ever does it. And it just popped out of me.

Like it came from a real organic place. And it's just like, Mandel. And then I thought, whoa, the guy might not like that. That could be seen as a disrespectful. It's not disrespectful, but I've been trying to drop it. I've been trying to, if you ever see me on the street. Yeah. Not you.

You. If you ever see me in the street and you ask about, I'm talking to the wooden head. Three hour how we. Yes. If you ever see me on the street and people ask for autographs, I never signed Mandel. It's Howie. I wanted to be the kind of the bald old share. I like that one name moniker. Yeah. Don't you? Look, you don't go Harlan Williams Highway. Look, Harlan Highway. I always just sign my first name. If anyone ever sees Harland Williams, it's a fake autograph. Well, so it's the same thing. So I don't go, isn't that great Williams? Yeah. I don't say that. Nobody says that. Nobody ever calls me Williams.

But nobody ever calls you Mandel. But it just popped out of me, Guy. Like, have you ever heard of organic fed, like cows and chickens? It's like a verbal shart. Yeah, I just had an organic, like, name. Yeah, you didn't know what was going to come out. Yeah. And you sharted Mandel.

And now you've got to change your underpants. No, if it's my name, you have to change my underpants. Yeah. Just, just, I might look down now and that. You keep grabbing your glasses. It's another game coming up? No, here's the thing. This is an international podcast.

Most podcasts just stay within the boundaries of the United States. Well, I do a podcast that only, I broadcast within three blocks of where we do it and not past. Howie Mandel does stuff. Yeah. Not near you. Yeah. But mine goes all over the world. Wow.

This airs in Stockholm. Oh. It was an awkward pause. No, because we're talking about autographs and stuff. You know what makes me laugh more than anything? I love you because you are one of the funniest people I've ever seen. And you're usually, well, not usually. You are this great grabber of non sequiturs and weird outbursts and all these things.

And to come here and to see that there are so many. such work and organized. Keep talking. Notes. Well, here's the thing. When this thing started, you were here about a year ago, and my podcast was in the confines of the United States territories. Right.

Now my podcast goes out of the whole world. It also plays in Scotland. So let's go to how we, howie you're a public figure does it ever get old and is there something about howie that you do sort of spiritually behind the scenes and you might not even want to tell it because it might be private but is there something that how he does just on his own that that is brings you peace of mind and takes you away from being in the public light constantly yes can we can we share that Yes, pharmaceuticals.

Are you cereal? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I am, as I sit here today, I am so medicated. Oh, what? I'm not allowed to say, but I am. Can you say the pharmacy?

Yes, CVS. Can you spell it out completely and not just three letters? Okay. C. V. Yes. Oh, Sycivas? Yeah.

You know, I don't know. We go to CVS. What is that? that stand for i don't even know what that stand i've never even thought of that that being a word what is cvs is that international a cvs international well i don't know if we want to talk about it oh well it's cock vagina s what's the s what's the s what's the s the puss comes out shithole cock vagina shithole well anyway from the cock vagina shithole

is where I get all my medication. Okay, but so I got three choices. Beyond the medication, though, because the medication can sometimes lift you or elevate you. That's a word for those of you that don't go to DeVry aren't going to really get. You're not going to grasp it. A lot of these people who watch haven't been to DeVry.

When you went to DeVry, what was the prom like? it was interesting because it's devise a night school so the classes don't finish till about midnight right that's why i'm asking so we had to have the prom at two in the morning right so imagine slow dancing to stairway to heaven for 11 minutes the sun creeps through the window and the janitor says hey fuck off i've got work to do where was the janitor from he was polish i think or Korean, but he lived in the Mexican part of town. So that explains the accent.

Yeah. Okay. But beyond the jacked-up tweaking, does Mandel have sort of a place he can go to, even when he gets to that pinnacle, where it sort of takes him away from the rigorimole of doing all this? Yes. In the pub.

What is it? I lock myself in my room alone. Talk to me. What goes on in there? I hide. I like hiding. I like hiding. As a child when I, as a child, you know, and all kidding aside, I didn't have friends.

You know, I was a weird kid. But my favorite game was hiding go seek. And I didn't have anybody to play with. I didn't have anybody to play with. but I would go hide and I didn't have friend I didn't I didn't have anybody to share that game with what's the longest you hid for I think I know my mom called the police I know that because they couldn't find me that's how good I that's how good I am at that game your mother had to call a 80s rock band to find you you hid that well my mother called the flock of seagulls on me

they found me and when i wasn't doing that i would play twister oh god alone alone wow i did you ever get hit by a cow no but i got my left foot on the green i love twister but there's you know i know i know the movie i know the that that's hard oh yeah i forgot I didn't get it at first And now I get it No, it's okay It doesn't better like than never For me to get the reference

I play twister Did you ever get hit by the cow I like it I like it Let's sit with it for a minute Can we sit with it just for a minute? Yeah I don't

People should take humor like wine Like fine wine It's not just joke laugh, move on. Saver it. Savor it. Yeah. It's like a, so that's like a, I'm sensing a little bit of a pun.

Yeah. Right? Because twister, right? Yeah. I wonder to, and this isn't coming from me, my teacher, my comedy teacher up at DeVry, Mr. Braithwaite. He says sometimes if you hit a, hit a gag or a pun or a joke that makes both you laugh as the twister cow one. He says, maybe find something in it that you can do together to bond it.

And I was, this is him, not me. I was wondering if, because it was a cow theme joke, could we do a moo together? Would that be cool? Or I'd love that. I would love that. On three? Okay. One, two, three.

No. I think you did a goat. No, I did a goat's. I did. Now that's a moose. Oh. So you did a, if you get... I had an S to my moo.

Yeah. If you're playing Twister and you get hit by a moose, you might as well be a three-hour highway fire log because you're gone, guy. Because the movie, the original movie took place in the Midwest. Right. Mine takes place in Saskatchewan. So would you get hit by?

Moose. Canadian. A prairie moose? What's the difference? Well, there's moose to live in the forest. And then there's the prairies are flat, Howie. They're flat for thousands and thousands of miles. I don't forget.

You're a ranger. You're a forest ranger. I don't know this stuff. I also have Google Maps. Buh. Mooh. Mooh. You know what I do for my little getaway thing, Howie?

No. I go out and cry in the corn for the babies. Yeah, it doesn't matter where I am. I'll drive out of the city. It'll be at night. I usually like it when the stars are in the sky. And I will just cry for the babies out in the corn. Tears, real salty tears.

And one time I got crying so hard. Do you know the body generates heat? Yeah. Guess what happened? I don't know. I'm out there crying in the corn. Right. My temperature's going through the roof.

Right. Oh. Someone had a popcorn accident. Have you ever done that? Have you ever tried to put on a really hot day? I once did this. Really hot day. Yeah.

You take corn kernels. Okay. And put them in your rectum. Keep talking. You put corn kernels in your rectum, put on three pairs of pants, and walk in the desert. Somebody just finished reading Orville Redenbockers memoirs. I'm telling you. Wow.

Wow. In the desert. In the desert for four hours. I'm telling you, after four hours, you are pooped and popped. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. I really don't. I don't give a fuck. Who does?

Who fucking cares? Jimmy crack corn and I don't give a fuck. Flying Royal. Fuck. Who gives a fuck about Jimmy? Or his cracked corn. How did he crack the corn? In his underpants in the desert. Just the way you said it, guy.

Talk about walking on the wild side. I don't know if he was Chinese and he used a walk, but as long as they popped, who cares? I wish these would stay on my face because I'm having a real problem reading all my notes. Because this, I just want to remind you, this podcast goes all over the world. and even in Bermuda that people can see it.

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the actual island or somebody's shorts well we're oh have you ever worn blue bermuda shorts yeah at a barbecue yes and you want to know something okay right in the groin area here we go two flights disappeared in my own personal bermuda triangle oh you should have those shorts in airplane mode oh we'd laugh together there again. Should we make plain noises? All right. Three, two, one. Ding!

What was that? I was calling a flight attendant. Oh. Ding! Sound effects are not my thing. Can we do another backwards word? I'd love to. Here it is.

This is one word this time. Okay, that's easier. S. Yerokratney. S. Yerokratney. S. S. Eurocratney. It's a fun one. N.

Taurus. Intoris. Oh. Dude, you're so around it. You're like a fairy nymph, dancing around in the magic. Mushroom Forest with leotards sweeter than... Enturn trays.

Into tyrannity. And terrain. You'd be a great game show host because I love that while the person's working really hard to possibly win a life-changing amount of money, you describe how close they are.

To just throw them off. That is a great kind of game show. You are as close as a suicidal teenager, teetering on the edge of a 47 story building with a straight razor in its hand. In Taurus. Pardon you?

In Taurus. In terrestrial strength. Oh, you're right around it. Interesting it. Can I give you a clue? I would love one. Something happened in front of a three-hour fire log in a cabin in the mountains in Montana. Oh.

It almost happened. Penetration? Well, almost. You're all around it, a guy. You're like a fatty at a 24-hour all-you-can-eat-buffet with a bowl of shrimp in one hand and that red sauce in the other. You're right there. You're right at the very edge.

And clinton, in clinton, in-clinton. Something I was trying to do with that cabin on a bare-skin rug. You're trying to screw somebody. But what's another word for it? Go down. Oh, oh, Kondolingus. No. You're all around.

I know, and so are you. You're like a senior citizen in a group sponge bath, just about to get the calluses and the corn scraped off of your dirty, vanes feed. Conalingus. What do you call some of the other things? Conalingis, there's, what are other words for things? Yes, you.

S. Z. E. Z. Ereotene. S. Ereotr. Entor. Intercourse. Intercourse. Intercourse. Intercourse. Bing. I got dinged. You just want. You know what's amazing? You give me a clue. Yeah. And just like, just like. Like what? What are you saying? Give me a little while and I'm going to say that.

Just like. Crayfish? No, but just like that. I'm just going to say, but it's not, it's not just like that. It's just like longer than this. Snap. Like the, uh, gay. Uh, no, I'm just saying just like.

Like that, I get it. Oh, I see. The length of time. Got it. Well, that's good. So you didn't get the first one, but you got the second one. I got the intercourse. Yeah.

So I got fucked. Yeah. But I didn't get logged. Oh. I didn't get the three-hour log. But either did you. I didn't either. You got the two and a half hour log and tried to return it.

Oh, what a mess. And it was a, yeah. For people that don't know, by the way, how we mandated. Dell is here, a host on America's Got Talent, has his own fabulous podcast, how he does stuff, Howie Mandel does stuff. After you burn the three-hour log, if you take the ashes and put them in your butt, would that be considered an ash hole? Hold on. Hold on, please.

Yes. Well, have we learned something today? I think we have, but I don't think they have. Marble Cake Millie, Black Jack Johnson, coconut cream pie Carol and her little friend, Mollusk Teeth, Timmy. I don't think they've learned much, but we have. I love how you engage with your audience

in as far as knowing each and every one of them. Well, there's only nine. Internationally, though. Yeah, there's a few. We have one in Bermuda, one in Scotland, one in Stockholm, two in, oh God, these are new ones. Two in Perth, Australia, and four in the United States. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. You are, it's incredible. And yet you're able to stay this humble. It's hard. It's not easy. I fight with it every day. It's like a, it's like a sin arresting with the devil now, child. But it's amazing.

Yeah. When you know that you have six or seven, like... It's an international podcast. The fans watching you internationally, the fact that you can still be real and so down the earth, knowing that seven people are holding you up on a pedestal. I don't think it's a pedestal, but at least an Apple Box. Stephen Stingray Legs down in Brazil.

Wow. Where did the term Brazilian come from, like as far as removing hair from that area? I was, I was in probably, I think, 12th grade, and my pussy was so, I mean, I had a bush that looked like a porcupine rolling down a hill. And I went to see my girl that does the waxing. And I said, you know, winter's coming. I don't want to be bald. What can you give me? She said, how about a Brazilian?

And I go, what's that? She goes, it's just like a little, it's like a little squirt of hair right off the top. And I said, let's try it. And she coined the phrase Brazilian. Really? Because I know that my wife went to one of those places. Okay. And she asked, she's lying down, they disrobed her.

And she was lying on the table. And they said, and she said, I would like a Brazilian. and she came home that night and there's a 70-year-old little man in her underpants now speaking Portuguese. Wow. A true Brazilian. She got one.

Oh, God. I can't sleep. He's up all fucking night. Oh, God. Talking. I can't do Brazilian, but he is there. Do you ever lick him? You get what you're paid for.

No. You will. Okay. People don't know this, Howie, but me and you grew up in the same city, Toronto. Toronto, T-R-O-N-O. How do you say it? Toronto. Toronto, where we grew up.

Toronto. That's what I said. What do you? Toronto. Say it? Toronto. What did I say? Trano.

Toronto. Toronto. Toronto. Oh, you, you say it like. Toronto. I don't say it like that, but it's like good. Toronto, Toronto. I'm from Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

No, I don't say it like that, but you go Toronto. Somebody's hooked on phonics. Well, what are you, why are you, it's like you're ignoring syllables. You're ignoring a syllable, you're ignoring consonants and vowels. Well, I, all I said was where we were born. Oh, it's because you've been down here so long, the exchange rate on letters is you've exchanged it. You're giving it to me like an American with the exchange rate on letters and... I didn't, I was never aware of that, but maybe that's what I'm doing.

Toronto. Toronto. Am I saying it wrong? Where are you from Toronto. What do you say? Toronto. Toronto. Not like, not Toronto.

Well, it seems like you're over-enunciating it. Why don't we say it like Drake? How does he say it? or something. T-da. T-dot. T-dot. The T-Dot.

The T-Dot. First of all, Drake was on DeGrassy High, which was a Toronto show. Right. And I'm sorry, guy. You can't be one of the top rappers in the world when you were on DeGrassey High.

Well, obviously, you don't know his character from DeGrassey. Wasn't he a kid in a wheelchair? Yeah. Okay, well, all I know about kids in wheelchairs is that when I see him, to run up and grind a P.F. Chang's lettuce wrap right in their face. I don't know if you saw the video that he released a couple of weeks ago where you saw the reason he was in the wheelchair. Why was he in the wheelchair?

He's a third leg. He has a third leg. Who, Drake? Yeah. Holy God. Yeah. He's like a tripod. Did you not see that? I saw that in this. A tripod? I think he's a tripod. Wow. I saw something online. Three legs.

I don't know what I'm going to do with you. That's why he couldn't walk when he was a kid until he grew up and he figured out how to position it. Yeah. So that he could walk upright. Oh, the third, I see. Whoa. His three-hour log, if you will.

Wow. Three-hour leg. Howie, when you grew up in Toronto. Wow. See, that's normal. Did I say? different yes i did you're getting to me guy there you go did was there ever because we've been here a long time in the united states of america i've been here for over 40 years but you were a kid you

grew up and you didn't move to the states until you were like 18 or something 23 so there's got to be a favorite prank or some kind of moment when you were growing up in trono something that you did that was memorable that stayed with you your whole life with your buddies i've talked about it many times but i got thrown out of school you know that you know that story and that was before before uh caddy shack i we in in gym and it used to be part of my act and you could go to uh you can go see make me laugh howie mandel make me laugh and i did this joke this is three years before this is a joker from your real life it was from my real life but it was what is it um because Because in high school, swimming was part of the curriculum, you know, gym.

Yeah. And I always had gym on the last period. And when I went to school, we didn't have hair dryers or blow dryers or anything. So I'd have to leave, like 20 below, I'd have to walk home, soaked. And my hair would freeze and break off. So I got something called an O'Henry bar, chocolate bar. Yeah, they were great. And I bent it a little bit, and I threw it in the pool.

So it looked like somebody shit in the pool. And then they closed it. they didn't have any classes and then they said somebody and then the word got out that somebody had shit in the pool and everybody showed up at the end of the day to look at the shit lying at the bottom of the pool and when they were all there I dived in and came up with it in my mouth no yes this was pre caddyshack yes oh I love that yeah and and I was always doing things like that I had um I would go to Yorkdale which is the first indoor You know, Yorkdale, in Toronto, where we're from,

they have the very first indoor mall. Do you know that's the first indoor mall in North America? It was? Very first. Yes, there was no... I don't want to take away from your story, but this is true. I was a Santa Claus there one year. No, you weren't.

I'm not even kidding, but tell me your story. It's the very... There was no thing as an indoor mall. When I was dating my wife, we'd stand outside for hours waiting for a movie. There was no place to go in... And then they built this place at Yorkdale, which was fascinating. It was the first indoor mall in Canada or in North America. North America. No.

Yeah, there wasn't one in the States or anything. Really? Google, do you have anything here that you can Google? I don't like to Google. Can I? I'd rather, it makes my eyes spin around. Okay. Because I get Google.

The very first indoor mall in North America, if you're watching, Google it. And I think I'm right, Yorkdale Mall in Toronto, Canada. You can Google it. You can Google. I want to see, well, will you sing something while I'm Google? Yes. I just want to make sure that I'm right. I'm singing.

I don't want to be in your, okay. I don't, I don't want to say goodbye for the summer, but baby, I promise you this. I'll send you all my love every day in a letter and see, it with a kiss. No, I don't want to say goodbye for the summer. Oh, I don't have that. But baby, I promise you.

Go ahead. I'll send you all my love every day. I went out of tune because you interrupted me. Sorry. Oh. That was wrong. See, I had a feeling.

because Canada is only 120 years old and the states is double and it's very unlikely that Canada would have an indoor mall before America. Well, maybe you're going to get some more singing. I'll see you in the sunrise. The first one was in Minnesota.

Yeah. Which is sort of like Canada, Howie. This is an honest mistake. Well, it's within, it's within five years of when they opened we were one of the first and also please tell the people how close minnesota is to the canadian border where in anyone could make the mistake you the huge blunder that you just made and even with the accent and right so anyone could have made the giant faux pa that you just made the huge blundering am i from minnesota say walleye

ah no you're from the uh mental ward wow so so anyway yeah please thank you i learned really early that if you do something and uh with commitment which i thought was fascinating like if you did something ridiculous but you look like you should be doing it right nobody stopped you yeah so i would um i would go behind the counters and pick up mannequins and just walk away with mannequins. I'd go, excuse, there'd be a clerk behind the desk or behind the cash register. And I would go, excuse me, and she'd go, what are you doing? I would go, I'm just taking, I'm just going to, I'm just taking the mannequin.

Yeah. And you go, okay. And I would just take the mannequin. And I would spend hours all day long, taking, seeing how many mannequins I can take from various stores, it was Eatans and Simpsons at the time. which is a big, it's like, it's like going to Bloomingdale or JCPenny or Macy's. So I would go to those stores and I would take all the mannequins and see if I can rearrange every mannequin from every, and I would spend all day there and I'd move like 50 or 40 mannequins.

And at the end of the day in Yorkdale, there would be mannequins in the hallway. They were like they'd make no sense where they are. I'd have three mannequins blocking the elevator. I'd have that, and it would take like forever because I would just do it and I would do it with such vim and vigor and people don't, and then finally at the end of the day, some security officer, Malkop would come over to me and go, what are you doing? And I would say, I'm just moving, rearranging all the mannequins. And he would say, well, who authorized this? And I would say, there's no authorization. And he would say, go home.

And then it was just fun at home. thinking there's all these people trying to re-establish where any of the they were never in the stores that they came from they were never and it was always populated and people would just walk by and i would just mess up yorkdale you like that you like to create like disorganization i love all kidding aside i love i feel incredibly awkward all the time and i feel incredibly out of step with the rest of the world all the time yeah so if i can create a world that looks out of step and feels awkward and uncomfortable for everybody else. It makes me feel at home.

Interesting. That's some deep psychological stuff there. It was abbreviated, but see, there's a depth to that. Well, you're getting some real information. That's why I do that. You realize that as far as podcasts go, you are the Oprah. True. And I'm in, I'm all over the planet, too.

I even have an Ireland. With your eight people. But did you do this? this alone or did you have buddies mostly alone i didn't understand and and nobody thought i was funny because i was void of any um i i didn't never wanted to be in show business i didn't think about show business and i didn't think about being a comedian and i didn't think about being funny and when you think about it it's kind of disturbing because it is funny if you say if i said hey harlan watch this i'm move all the things.

Yeah. And then somebody's giggling. When I'm alone and I'm doing this, like, who is it for? And my mom and dad used to go, like, because sometimes I got caught doing these things. And they'd go, who is the joke on? Like, who is it for? And I was just entertaining myself. And I just thought it was funny.

And I wanted to see how far I could push and how far I can go. And even to this day, but except that the same kind of behavior for the most part pays the rent. so I'm happy with that. Yeah, you made a living out of it. Everything I've ever been punished for, expelled for, is what I get paid for. What part of Toronto were you,

did you grow up in? North York, Bathurst and Finch. I was in North York too at Don Mills and Shepard. Don Mills and Shepard is where I worked. I ended up going to Vanier. Oh my God.

I almost went there. And then I hung out of a place called the peanut, but I worked. The Pina Plaza. My dad's campaign headquarters were there. Yeah. Yeah, I knew that. You told me that.

If me and you had become buddies, if we had met when we were teenagers, we would have been inseparable. I would have, I can just, I know. We would have been, we would have been my only friends ever. I had no friends. Really? I had friends, but you would have been the funniest, you would have been the, you would have been the guy would have been glued to, man. We would have had a riot. I wish we did, and that's why I love you now.

But the truth of the matter is that when you're 15 or 14. Um, I think most people just try to fit in and they try to be like others. Yeah. I never fit in. Me neither. I didn't look like anybody, but I was like, even in high school, I, I was, um, my senior year, I was 410, 89 pounds. Wow.

I look like a little girl. Yeah. I didn't shave. Um, most little girls don't. Well, Brazilians. Hello. So anyway, I went to the, uh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I was, people say, were you the class clown?

Like, I never had a really quick, witty, funny answer. My joking wasn't that. It was spending a whole day moving mannequins around by myself at the mall with no friends, which I understand in retrospect how that can be perceived as funny, but it could also be perceived as like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, what is that? But it was just, I was living always in a social experiment. It was just like, it was funny to me, even alone.

I was always trying to make myself smile and laugh And I'd sit sometimes back from some of my work Not that it's work now it's work But and just watch people going I'd see them like see three mannequins Blocking the entrance to a store And then I'd see them like look at their wife and go Well like what kind of this and this is a luggage store

And there's there's three mannequins with sporting goods And I don't understand what they're doing Just a confusion when other people are confused when it's awkward, when they're angry, I find that way funnier than saying to somebody, you want to hear a joke? Yeah.

And then they laugh at a joke. If I can analyze it a bit, here's this kid on the outside, okay? You go in and create disorganization and you're looking in at this world where everyone's very orderly and structured and they have to react to the little piece of chaos that you've planted, almost like a video game.

You know, sometimes you go along and you pick up the ammunition and you keep on. So they were forced to react to what you placed in front of them that was never there. And it must have just, I, you know, because I used to do the same thing. Did you? Oh, I loved it. If you want to get serious for a minute, the thing, the thing about it was, you know, my parents were very funny people. My parents loved to laugh, but I never got, I've talked about this before, but I never got what they were laughing.

I was four years old. They would tell jokes or they would watch the Tonight Show. I didn't really understand what they were watching. The first thing that I was aware of, I watched Candid Camera. And I wasn't able to. Alan Funt. He's my God. Fond.

And, yeah. I said Funt. CVS. Okay. So anyway, the first, and I say this and I think about this every day, the first. thing I saw him do was he pretended that he was a boss. He hired this receptionist to supposedly answer the phone. They had a rope tied to the desk.

And every time the phone rang and she went to do it, the rope went through a wall. People would pull it and the desk would go away. And she said, fuck, you know, and the desk would, and I laughed so, and sort of my parents, laughed so gut. And I don't know that I could articulate at the time why I thought it was funny,

but she was terrified. She didn't know it was like she was on another fucking planet. Yeah. We were in on the joke. Yeah. You know, because we saw it like a surprise party. And from that moment on,

from being four years old, I have continuously tried to recreate that moment because it was so joyous for me. Yeah, yeah. And I wasn't aware enough, and maybe even still aren't, that, you know, that's a TV show. You're doing it for an audience.

you at least have an audience of one where I go, hey, Harlan, watch this. I'm going to scare the shit out of this woman with a moving desk. But I never did that. I just went, oh, I'm just going to move to ladies' desk. And that's what I was doing. You know, I was just moving mannequins around

and just having my own little, I was my own little Allen fun, just watching people try to figure out who fucking shit in the pool, who did this, who's making that horrible noise. I would enter math class, which was on the second floor. I would go to the janitor's office, get a ladder and just be five minutes late

and just tap at the window on the second floor and the teacher would come to the door and open it and I would crawl in. Everybody would look at me like I was fucking insane. Nobody laughed or wanted to be my friend and they go, what are you doing? And I'm going. Now, you have to imagine a 50 years. Back then, I would have loved it. If a kid in my class climbed through the window on a ladder,

that would be my best friend for life. But I would say they'd open the window and I go, I'm sorry, I'm late. I was doing homework and I got carried away. And I'm sorry. And he'd go, but why? Just go down the office. And I would go down to the office and girls would roll their eyes. You're insane.

They asked me to leave the school. I went to Vanier, Newton Brook, and Northview. I never finished. I don't have a GED. And it was always behavioral. And at that time, because I'm going to be like 70 next year, you know, at that time, um you didn't take people to a uh therapist no no and so nobody and nobody thought it was just hijinks there's no therapy i know but it's it was just they thought of you were creating your own content

i was but there was no worldwide web there was no tv show there was no i wasn't in theater i wasn't in anything so i was just out of my fucking mind but it was beautiful it is innocent beautiful kid with a big imagination. That's why honestly I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I meet people like you and I get to do things like this. And my comfort zone is in weirdness. Yeah. My comfort zone isn't.

And I also feel that that is more of a sense of reality, what you do and what I do because I believe that knowing, understanding humanity from my perspective now, I think people who get up in the morning, put on a suit and tie, and sit in a cubicle at a bank are pretending a lot more than I'm ever pretending. Wow. Don't you think? That's beautiful. That's a costume.

And that's acting a certain way. And if in the moment you feel silly, you can't act silly because you're in the bank. And if you feel like putting on something that's kind of cool because you like it and you shot in the store, you go, I can't do that because I can't wear that at the bank or I can't wear that at the office. So everybody's wearing a costume. everybody's acting like they're not. Nobody can be, and in fact, they're all acting exactly the same,

which is much more robotic. I think people in our business or have the license to do are much more real. It's not crazy. Humans are, we are, we don't act on instinct, we overthink. And instinctually, when you want to do something that is considered wacky and out, it's not really wacky and out.

That's art. and it's living invisible art of the rhythm of talking, of the rhythm of thinking, and you're doing it. And I think everybody has these bizarre, weird thoughts. Very few people like yourself say them out loud.

Yeah. Wow, that got deep. No, that's what we wanted. We wanted to get deep. That's what I was at going for. This is why this podcast plays all over the globe. I bet you we got another viewer nine. I'm willing to bet that someone in New Zealand,

Zealand, just saw what you said. I was thinking Kiwi forward. Kiwi, by the way, is a bird, a flightless bird. Many people think it's a tropical fruit, which it is. Which is also flightless. They can't fly? The fruit? Yeah.

No. Oh, God. I wonder if a Kiwi bird ever ran into a kiwi fruit. No, but I accidentally ate a kiwi bird because I said somebody gave me one and I said, what is this? And they said, it's a kiwi and I didn't know they were birds. Okay. And I had, luckily, I'd only eaten, bitten one wing off so it was still okay.

And it could still fly with one wing in circles. Yeah. One way. Yeah. But, uh, timing. But how we, that, that depth is people get plugged into the system and you got to create your own content. You got to step out of the system and not a lot of people follow that voice.

And that's what's great. I'm telling you, if we had bumped into each other, it would have been great. And you're right about when you commit to something, it's amazing what you can get done. I remember I used to go to zoos. I loved going to zoos. I was with Emo Phillips.

Remember that comic Emo? I love him. I still love him. He's amazing. We were in Calgary together doing a show. And we went to the zoo and I said, you know, I said, Emo, you want to get into the zoo for free? And he goes, what are you talking about?

That's a good email. And I said, just follow me, pretend, were veterinarians, we're going to go in. And I just walked right up to the thing and go, hey, there's a camel down. We got to get in. I go, who are you? We're the vets. Go ahead. And we just walked. He was just like, what? Isn't that great? Yeah. If you just sort of commit to things, you go right in. It's amazing because we are all, you know, the world is, and I'm not, listen, the world are, we're lemmings, you know. And as soon as you can get out of that, out of that line and out of that, you can you can really achieve in life and humanity is is an amazing thing and i learned that art is

not painting and art is not drawing and art isn't just comedy there's an art to how you live your life oh wow you got to paint you got to paint like even the way you talk even the way you communicate it's art it's all art and you should be and what happens is as people get older and this is you said you were talking about getting older before i think if you think that art is doodling, and I think that life is our doodle. Yeah. At a certain age, people go, I'm not going to doodle anymore. Yeah.

And they just stop. And they don't, they're not curious anymore. They don't care about new music. They don't care about the way. Then they'll tell you about, you know, that was comedy. That was music. Yeah. There's not, so we stop.

And the longer you can just keep, just keep drawing and keep doodling and keep painting and keep enjoying and keep discovering, the more. more joyful this short time we have is. Wow. Now what did I say backwards? That's amazing. And that's just the abbreviated version. Wow.

How we, before we go, I feel like, because we did grow up in the same city. Yeah. And we're kind of sharing a lot of our memories, our times growing up. I wrote a memoir about my early years in Toronto. And if you'll indulge me just for about 60 seconds, if you want to, I'd like to dip into my cinnamon journal. And this isn't published yet, but I'd like you to hear one of the excerpts from my memoirs of Toronto. Go ahead. And this is right out of my cinnamon journal.

and it's just a little kind of slice of what it was like for me growing up in the city that we grew up in and boy like I said I wish we met each other because you could have shared in some of these experiences go ahead this is from my book little boy growing up in Toronto that's the title of it of the book yeah this is an excerpt and you're the first to hear it my whole audience all 12 it's late October and the air is cool, the promise of winter hinting on the frost-covered ground. I stand at the bus stop directly across from the school for children with demented legs. They scurry around in the schoolyard, chasing a ball like... Like, chasing a ball like garlic dipped freaks.

With lemon meringue eyes, the red and golden leaves drop from the tree branches, drifting slowly to the ground like underwater fart bubbles. at the dementia center at the end of the bus line and as the crispness in the air reminds me of pippy long stockings and her demented buck teeth and applesauce, mustard freckles, I can't help but fill up with excitement as I know this time of year, this frosty, crispy time of year, Daddy will be taking me to Dairy Queen down by the beach.

There hasn't been in October since I was born when Daddy hasn't taken me to Dairy Queen and drizzled chocolate sauce in my demented leprosy-filled eyes and smashed my face over and over on the dashboard of his yellow van. Daddy smiles as I eat Peanut Buster Parfay and he blows a giant conch shell in my demented garlic butter face oh daddy dear daddy oh memories of home dear daddy are you getting emotional it's okay bro men can cry i did i really did that's so did that take you back Oh, my God. You really are? Oh, my God.

Wow. Take a minute, guy. It was like I was there. Right? Take a minute. Dear Daddy. At the end, it's a dear daddy.

Amber, can you bring in some tissues, some Kleenex? Oh, my God, he's tearing up. Amber? Can you just bring in a paper towel, a bounty? The garlic butter? A bounty, oh, thank you. Yeah, give me a whole roll. Here's some antibacterial.

Oh, my God, it's like a childhood. Oh, super absorbent. Oh, my God. It's wet. she's embarrassed but it's okay dude this is powerful stuff it's from my journal let's end with one final backwards thing okay wolen amyrabb our final backwards word

olin amyrab we're going to close it down and take your mind off your tears allan amyrab bar all around it all around it Kneel.

Kneel. Kneel. Oh, knee low. Arnelo. Arnello. Bar-Ne-la. Bar. Standing on the edge of time.

Colored memory. Bingo. ladies and gentlemen howie mandel wipe your eyes guy and howie tell the folks where they can see your beautiful podcast your shows your stand-up

wherever you get podcast howie mandel dot com and it's called howie mandel does stuff you've been on and you're going to come back on you know we added a new you should try this on the subscribe button on YouTube Yeah.

If you hold on to the subscribe button for over two seconds, it scratches the thing. Your finger will smell for an hour. What does it smell like? Like you subscribed. Technology. Sorry. Sorry, I had a little technology.

I go into a glaze. Howie, thanks for being here, buddy. What a is. What an app. What an app. I didn't, to see tears coming out of both of us. That's amazing. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Well, it wasn't officially over if you could put your headphones back on. Just real. You're out? Mm-hmm. I'm still here, though, but I left. I guess we're done.

Mm-hmm. Until next time, chicken chow-me, baby.