The Harland Highway - IAN FIDANCE- Delivers some deep, delicious, poetry, and busts a power move with his monster mustache!

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

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Um, there's a promo. This is? I'll say your name. Your promo? Say the name for the promo. I think we should say our names. Oh, Harland Williams. Howie Mandel.

And we have a new podcast called When a Stranger Calls, where we take calls from strangers, and then that's all we can say. We don't know who's going to call and what's going to happen. We don't really know even what they look like. Right. But why would, like, why would people want to click on it and subscribe and watch? I think because people know that we have a lot of wisdom.

We have what we call old souls. You really think people are going to click on it because they want to see old souls? Well, ask me any advice. Let me give you an example. How can we get more people to subscribe and watch when a stranger calls? Send safety flares into the sky so people know.

Do we have a safety flare? Do we have any safety flares? Hello! Ranger call. Hello? Oh, my God. Hello? I have a tattoo.

I never talk about this. It's kind of, it's kind of, uh, auspicious placement. Yeah. But I got a tattoo of one of my girlfriends on my scroto, on my testicles. No way. Yeah, because she was nuts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The balls on you, Harland.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Arlund Williams. Sit my arse down. Do you say ars or ass? Neither I say ass. Oh, how do you say it? Ass.

A-ass. As. You dragged the A? Yeah, it's like a Delaware-Philly accent. It's a little aggressive. Oh, yeah. Welcome to Delaware and Philly, pal. Yeah, tough guys.

Yeah. A-E-A-A-A-S. Kiss my a-E-U. Hey, kiss my ass. Wow. How do you say H-I-G-H school? Oh, wow. How do you say H-I-G-H school?

High school. High school. Hi school. Hi, school. Hey, school. Hi. Hi. Hi, school.

I'm Ian. Hi, I'm kindergarten. Hi, kindergarten. Hi. School. Wait, do you pronounce the silent gaha, like high gus school? High school. You don't?

Well, I find it offensive that you're teaching children, you're learning them. You're putting some good old-fashioned learnans into children. Yeah. And right out of the gate, the facility that they go into learn has a trick spelling. It's got two silent G-Hig-G-G-School. You feel bad. I feel weeds out the dummies.

Yeah, that's true. You know? If they welcome to Haiga school, your first lesson, you don't pronounce a G-H. Yeah, welcome. There's a silent G-in-high, and there's a silent H in school. Mm-hmm.

High-skahoole. High school. Scha-Hool. I think we just realized this. What a bunch of asswads. Yeah, I know. college is a lie don't go really drop out of school i school school school oh wow and write w r ite no no no right it's not w right hey will you write a paper yeah rightga hood

oh dude rightah hood is rikeahut fuck me to hender I can now. You have a canal. Canal. You can now. I canal what you're saying. Wow. I canal what you're saying.

You can now what? We should just fuck off and go fishing for salmon. And just like. Like a beer. Like a what? A beer. A bear. A bear?

A beer. A beer. Beer. Beer. The dumbest opening to a podcast ever in history. I love it. But I think we had to have learned somebody out there. Yes.

Somebody had to have got some learning on. Yeah. That's what it's about. Well, welcome, buddy. Let me hit the theme music. Ladies and gentlemen, that's right. Welcome to the Halle Highway Punkhead. And wonderful guest today.

Ian Fadance, or is it FyDance? Fy dance. All depends on if you went to a hot guy school. Oh, right. Wow. Everything's so finesse today. Yeah. I love it that your name has the word dance in it.

Isn't that nice? It's nice. It makes it so eloquent somehow. Yeah. Is it got a bit of French-Canadian in it or what's Fidance? It's Italian and some people think it's Fidance, which sounds like a cheap Italian wine have to bag. Yeah.

Yeah. Like under a bridge somewhere. Oh, yeah. With your encrusted pants. Yeah. Orange toenails. Orange toenails.

Yeah. Yeah. Fingerless gloves. Yeah. Dirty. Oh. And so, so debased that maybe

fingerless gloves and no fingers even. No fingers. So just like, like finger holes. Gout in the hand from drinking a boxed bag of Fadonc.

Wow. Uh-huh. Does Fadonsei come in in red and white or is it just like a urine yellow? What is it? Mixed. It's red and white together. Wow. Yeah. It is nice sort of have dance in your name though. It is a lot of color. I'm a very dancey guy. I feel better when I dance. Are you really? I don't know about you but if if I want to have a really good day. Yeah. I would put music on. Whoa. And kind of dance in my apartment. Yeah.

Just to kind of shake it out. And it's in my name. I feel like I have to do it. You know. Yeah. And if you're river down by a river would you river for dance i have river for dance yeah blow out my knee it was a bad time you blew out your knee so you're dancing with a leaf blower yeah not a smart move i know you'll blow it out every time i did i did it was bad it was bad joe noise that it made with the leaf blower you know couldn't hear my screams oh only in space they can hear your screams i know i hope to go one day do you really? Would you go? You're one of those guys where they say, oh, you could go to Mars. You'll never come back. We'd be one of the first humans to ever go to Mars. Would you do it or no? No. No, even if you could live up there. Like they had a space colony and could. Could I go with

friends and my cat? Yeah, you could. Then I would go if everyone was like, let's all go together. You would. Yeah, but if it was like me and a bunch of other strangers just to say, well, I'm in the first shuttle to Mars. I wouldn't do it. I would go if it was like a bunch of friends and we would all be together. Well, let me throw this at you. I got a glove. Let me get it.

Whoa, mime time and the mime school. Come on. Throw it at me. Okay. Uh-huh. Have you ever been camping with your friends? Yes. And how long did that last before everyone got on everyone's nerve?

Halfway up the mountain. Yeah. Okay, I rest my case and throw it back into the field. Yeah. Because you got to imagine you get out in that Mars colony. Fly in there, you get all your best buddies. But think about it. You're in that spaceship.

I think it's like, what, a six-month journey? Yeah. So now you're in that confined space. People can't even be with me in a room for six minutes. Right? So now you've got six months in a flying tube. Now you finally get out and you're trapped in a dome. For a turn, for the rest of our lives, we just stated.

Yeah. So I don't know. Do you really want to go with your buddies? I mean, don't you think that that would bring about good conflict resolution? You could have fun. Who knows you more than your buddies? If you're there with a stranger. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, I guess so. But what do you do for the six months of travel? I know. That's the, that's the dilemma. I don't know if they put you in a sleep chamber or you. play like backgammon or you dance i don't know i mean if i'm there i got to you got to dance you're flying to mars for dance got a dance got a dance you can dance if you want to you can leave your

friends behind when you go to mars you can dance it's up to you and i wow wow broadway billy all of a sudden oh yeah there's a little bit bring a new york with me wherever i yeah you're a new yorker dude Well, you're a Philly guy first, right? And then New York. Yeah. Delaware. Grow up in Delaware, start in Philly, then New York. I love it.

All right. I wanted to start with something because it's the obvious. My viewers are watching. Have you ever heard the term power move? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You have. Have you ever made a power move in your life?

Some would say, yes, I think, but I never consciously go. I'm pulling a power move. I just pull a move. And then people assign power to it. This is exactly what I thought. Because in nature, you know, when a peacock displays, it's a sign of sort of aggression and dominance, right? When a lion has the bigger mane, he's the top dog.

When the silverback gorilla has the bigger hump with more. He's like, he's in charge. So I knew you were coming in today, my guy. Yeah. I know you were coming in large and in charge with a full stash. Oh, yes. Like to me, that's a right out of the gate power move trying to take over the Harland Highway podcast.

And I think everyone watching, oh, yeah. Wow. Look at them pretending. It's not a power move. Oh, I didn't know. I was going to bring me this today. I just thought I would. Look at you.

And did you think I wasn't going to be ready? Is that what you thought? I underestimated you. I'll be honest. I did. Look at this. Yeah. Huh.

Emergency mustache. No way. Yeah, dude. So I just want, look, I want us to have a great podcast. I think you do. Yeah. You came in here real aggressive, pulled a power move. And so throughout the pot, I'm going to have to, like, kind of, you know, match power with power.

Wow. Is that, I mean, you can't blame me. can you i mean no but i can certainly say you'll try but you won't but give it the old college try look at the first stash oh a brown uh a blonde stash yeah sort of like yeah wow that's a nice old push broom yeah now see i was just existing i i didn't consciously do the power move and if i had that looks pretty good that looks you want to fuck around god oh my god God, I wish I brought my barber shop clippers with me. I'd cut that thing right off your face.

What do you want to talk about, bro? I mean, you don't just sit here and fuck around or you want to party? I like the party. I want to fuck around or party guy. Fuck, I wish I had an emergency goatee. God, I wish I had an emergency goate. Can you feel the energy level? out. Yeah. Like, fuck you, bro, like coming into the Harlan Highway with that fucking power move?

You fucking come in here, Freddie Mercury me or Tom Selik me? Not on my watch. I'm the host of the Halahawa podcast. So let's fucking rock and roll. Let's double Dutch. Let's square dance and let's turkey tariaki or whatever they say in the hood. I'll turkey tariaki and I'll say this. New York, we're known for our attitude. Yeah. You know what? I was bringing it. and I'm going to change the narrative. I'm not going to have it. I'll let you have this because you know what? I know you need it.

Go ahead. Wait, that was a little bit of a passive aggressive power statement right there. No, no. Do what you got to do. I know you need help with your confidence. So go ahead. See, what you did is you handed it off. Uh-huh.

And it was in the tone of your voice and that little smirk. What's right? That little fucking power moves. Look at that fucking tilt. The pug, the, the, the, the pug. looking at a ceiling fan tilt you don't think i don't recognize hello i mean it's interesting the mustache is kind of falling off because you're losing confidence but go ahead oh really maybe i want it to fall off oh yeah maybe i'm gonna fucking go outside need a fish

fuck it is falling off oh yeah interesting all right the facade could only last for so long but go okay i feel like at least i'm on i feel i can feel you're not that intimidated by you're but I feel in my head I'm on a level playing ground with Ian right now. Okay. Sure. So I think by doing this for me, you're going to get a better podcast experience because now I'm not as jittery. Okay. Now I'm not feeling as intimidated.

Great. I feel like we're sort of on a level playing field. And I want you to have a pleasant halahua podcast experience. I appreciate that. I really do. Thank you. Oh, it's like a farting wind. Just blowing around.

Look at it. No, I'm not going to let you get in my head. No, no, no, no. I mean, there's a lot of space in there. Shoot. You know, hey, it's all right. No. You know what?

No. Power level two. Oh, no. What is this one? I don't know, but we're going to see. Look at this. This feels like a little more. like,

oh, 1940s, like, I don't know, this guy feels like he owns a mansion or something.

Oh, fuck, I did just feel a punch of the gut. Oh, shit. Oh. So,

Ian, how are you still going to school, are you? How are things in your neck of the woods?

Still, uh, riding the horse and carriage, are we? Oh. I see you still got the influenza. Can't afford the medicine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Holy fuck, bro. Whoa, guy. Oh, don't, don't do it. Please. For dance. I mean, you just bested me on mine, so I have to fight back. I say for dance, I do believe I did best you.

I take my top. off old breast you. Oh, please. Oh, what the... My goodness, what have you got there, old boy? Oh, come on, bro. Dude. Hey, everybody.

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My car broke down on this hallway. I was just wondering if you could help me, you get a tank of gas, so I can be another tumbleweed blowing through town. I say, are you a cowboy of some sort? I fancy myself, one. You're not carrying a gun by any chance, are you, cowboy? Well, weird enough.

We can certainly find better things to talk about. are you trying to intimidate me well i don't think there's no trying and i think it is just what's happening yes excellent uh let me go get a cup of water and uh chiro whatever you need see fuck you scared me off my own card sorry sorry sorry damn sorry i had to i'm sorry dude that was a bold move all right ladies and gentlemen it is my pleasure to announce that smooth sack summer is officially upon us. When you're playing around this summer, canoeing, tennis, tree climbing, rolling down hills, badminton, I don't know what you're doing, but let's make sure you're groomed. You're down at the beach, you got the bikini on, you got the trunks on, you don't

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Get on board or get left behind, man. Scaped. That was a bold... You don't need it and you put one on. Power move. Yeah, all right. You're in charge. I'll go through my list of questions,

but I think you're really in charge. Well, you know, I've commandeered the highway, but it's okay. One of the things I love about you, you do poetry too, right? I do. Can we talk about that? Because I would love that.

I love the mind of a poet. And tell me a little bit about your poetry, and then I got kind of a neat thing I want to see if we can pull it off together. Okay. To talk to me about poetry, why you do it, where it comes from? Poetry is the lyric without sound. What do you mean?

It's lyrics, songs without sound. Right, right, right. I like that. Yeah. Because if you think about a lot of, most song lyrics rhyme, they're poetic. But as you said, they're all backed by music. But yeah, poetry is like all that, but no music. It's a lyric without sound.

So why do you delve into it? What is your reason for doing poetry? Why do you write it? Because it's a way for me to kind of express myself in a different way. Yeah. And I really, if I can be honest. Yeah. And I feel like I can.

You can? You're in charge. I love rhyming. You love rhyming? I like to rhyme. Really? Only if I have time. Whoa.

You dropped that on a dime. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. I wish it was mine. Could be, but. You're drawing the line? Yeah, I feel a bit sour.

I had a line. Wow. Brittany Grimes. You know, I see, I don't do it. I just, I ruined it. Who is Britney Grimes? Is that a person? I've heard that.

I thought it was a bad football player, but now I don't know if they exist. Is Britney Grimes? Wasn't she the one that did the shame on you for stealing our future? The global warming girl who you've stolen our future. Is that Greta Thornberg? Oh, okay. Yeah.

Brittany Grimes. Brittany Grimes. I thought Brittany Grimes. Right? Grinier. Is it a Muppet? Brittany Grindr. Brittany Grindr is a drag queen's name.

It is? I think, yeah. Sounds about right. Yeah. Grindrinder. I barely know. You know, I used to write poetry. I shouldn't say I used to.

I still write it now and then, but when I was younger, I wrote it a lot as kind of an adolescent kid where my mind was growing and you're starting to learn about the world and the depth of the world and some of the atrocities in the world and figuring out love and life and adulthood

and transitioning from a kid to it. I used to write a lot of poetry because it would help me sort out my thoughts. Yeah. I would sit there and write, like, really, like, stuff about death and life. And this is, like, when I was, like, 15, 18, in my early 20s, you know, falling in and out of love, death. Truly how, I, honestly, what is love, but just a draw to, like, a heartfelt poem?

Like, love is poetry. Like, how can you not think of love without, you know, these, like, I'd feel. feelings and words and descriptive, flowy language. Like every, every girl I've ever been, that I've fallen for, I've written poems for. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I really, really do love poetry and poems. John Donne is one of my favorite poets.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, and when you fall for a girl, did you ever show those poems to the girl? Because sometimes I feel like, in my experience, the poetry was almost deeper me writing it down than at times that I could verbally express to them. Yeah. And then you hand them this poem and hope that maybe they get it or they absorb it or maybe they won't. Yeah. And the poem is like a language you can both speak.

Yeah. Understand the depths of this love that you have. I've done that and it's worked. Yeah. And it's been amazing. And it's also been like, I gave you this. And then they're like, well, you can take it back. Oh, really? Isn't that painful? So painful. There's nothing more vulnerable than writing your deepest feelings and expressing them to someone and sharing them and having them go, no, I'm okay. Thank you. Yeah. And when you get to some of those lines, the great thing about poetry is you get to some of those lines that are so flowery and so descriptive that you could never verbalize them to. You could never go, your soul warned me like a hot chocolate on a cold night. Like you can't just say that to a girl.

Yeah, you have to let them read it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's beautiful. So I think we're a little bit kindred spirits in this sense, something we didn't know about each other until we just had our little poetry fight. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I wonder if you and I can figure out a topic together.

I've never done this with anyone. Okay. Could be fun or it could be a disaster. Let's try it out. We do a poem together on the same theme. And it's like, I do a line. you do a line, but we try to make a cohesive story. So it's not just, not just trying to rhyme each other,

but trying to paint a story. Sure. With, and, and we can take our time. It doesn't have to be, oh, I got to come up with it. I'm like, if you need to sit there and, like, really think of it or I need to, there'll be no rush. Now, is there, is it iambic pantameter? Is it a haiku, 575?

Are there any parameters that are going on? Or is it just a topic that we are. using our words to paint a picture of poetry? I think for the simplicity of it, it would just be like using words to paint a picture of poetry. And maybe I'll pick a topic and then maybe later in the show you pick a topic. But maybe since we talked about a girl, maybe it's about, we'll do a poem about losing a girl.

Okay. So do you want me to start? or you start? I would love for you to start. Okay. All right. What's the girl's name? What should we name her? Margaret. Margaret. All right, I'll start. Sitting in the shadows and the darkness of the night. Thinking of Margaret, the candle burns bright.

I know I will ask her a question that's there, but her answer I want, if it's not, but the answer I want, if it's not what I need, the answer I can't bear. So I look to the wind on a dark, starry night, and I wonder aloud if I may or I might. ever see you again as the summer turns to fall oh my dear margaret on the wind you do call like a glass of red wine i want to take you in and taste you feel you coarse through my body my bones my blood i will race you to the sorry I jumped on you go ahead and I will race you

to the ends of the galaxy to the epochs of time I will chase you forever till once more you are mine dear Margaret my heart beats like a thunderous fof thundrous what hoof

I thought you said foof no hoof like a thunderous hoof your love gifting away Your love so aloof We have to end it right there That was incredible

We do? I mean, do you want to keep going? That was amazing. Really? If somebody transcribed that, that was a romantic era wonderful poem. Yeah, it was kind of like

you could feel the loneliness and the hurt. And I'll put some nice music under that, like some poetic music. Oh, wow, that was fun, man. Yeah. Want to do it again? Yeah, let's do it again.

You picked the topic this time. Okay. Oh, this is cool. Yeah. How about death? Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes.

You'd get to start this time. Okay. Okay. Mother, seeing your skin wither away in these last moments, I don't know what to say. And the reaper he stands there with the scythe in his hand. And I stand over you crying right where you lay. Darkness comes, the light goes away.

Your last breaths are gasping, gasping, gasping to say. From your womb I did spring In this world you gave me life And now your eyes close To the blackness of night I stand here and weep Like your child once again I don't want you to go

I don't want it to end It seems you're still alive And I thought what I was saying would be the last that we spoke So if you're alive and you will die soon I'd like to give you a joke Or it would be best for you to die Not with a frown But for you to pass to the night smiling

like a clown. Knock, knock, who's there? Let us, let us who. Let us in its cold. Now it's time for me to die. Fuck you. Yes! That was great.

Well, you said we got to end with a joke. Yeah, yeah, that was fantastic. That was really good. I kind of want someone I know to die that way now. Just with a knock, knock, joke. Fuck you and then gone. That would be the best way to go. Yeah.

Laughing. Yeah. And what better way to express, like, I don't know if you have some friends, but when you see each other, you go, fuck you. That's like a way of being like, I love you, buddy. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah.

That would be wonderful because in that fuck you, you know, you know that the person is still loving you and they're making a laugh which is such an elicited emotion of joy. Who wouldn't want to go out with a chuckle? Yeah. You know. And you know it's like a term of affection

because you've known that person. Like you're raped by their bad side. They're not going to let you go off into the rest of your life with a bitter fuck you. Yeah. It has to be an adoring fuck you. Yes. Yes.

And it's also, almost like a secret language like a secret handshake that you two share in a way too you know because if anyone else goes the last thing he said to her was fuck you that's like yeah but that was their relationship that's amazing you know that's great wow yeah dude i love when we just laughed there i love your laugh oh you have like a strong bold laugh like almost sort of like there's a depth it's almost like a i think of it like a viking laugh right like i pitch you standing silhou wedded against the moon, a village burning, like corpses at your feet and you're just doing your laugh. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That wasn't natural. Yeah, that was like, that was like

amazing, but your natural laugh is like, it's hardy. Yeah. It's hardy. It's hardy. It's my favorite thing to do. I love laughing. See, I love that because as a comedian, like, it's weird because we're around funny so much that's our job it's it's like if you worked in an art gallery you'd be around paintings all day we're exposed to jokes and humor and comedy and funny people all day and it's weird for me because i've never been a huge like outward laughter i find things hilarious inside but i'm sort of jealous because you can do like this your laugh just comes organically yeah and i wish i had that more yeah you have it sometimes oh i do i do i definitely do, but I have a real sort of quirky sense of humor.

Like, I find a million things funny, but it's the real quirky things that make me like just bust up out loud. Yeah. But you're fortunate in a way, like anyone watching, anyone who has that kind of organic laugh, it's kind of a real blessing because it feels good to do it. It's good for the soul. Well, thank you. It is.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. That's why I feel like it's good to the soul to laugh, which is why I feel so fortunate that we get to make so many people laugh. Like we get to like get like a little like we're like a little like jester spirit that enters through their mouth and enriches their soul after. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. And I like that. Thank you for saying that. That was very kind of. No, that's beautiful. It's great, man. Yeah.

As a comedian, as a guy that's on the road, do you, do you have any like real quirky, like things you do, like kind of quirky habits from like an example? Give me an example. Well, for example, like I have this thing in life where I never wear a watch. Like, I used to try and wear watches and I would wear them. And I don't know why, but I would walk around and I go, it's 324. And I'd look and it'd be like maybe 323, 324. I'd walk around for another 3, 4, 6 minutes.

It's 402. Like, every, within 10 minutes, I'm always guessing the time. and looking at my wrist. Really? And I'd started to draw. And I can't wear a watch because I can't stop it. Oh, wow. Yeah.

No. And then there was a point in time where I'm glad I don't do it anymore, but I used to count. Uh-huh. I'd just be sitting there and I take my tongue and I go, one, two, three, four, five. I'd count my, like using my tongue to touch the teeth in my mouth. I was just doing that now while you were saying I was trying to do that. Yeah. You were?

Well, can I tell you, some of those are, some of those are, um, like a thought anxiety exercises of like the tongue thing there's this thing when you get really um that i learn to kind of make your anxiety or like a repetitive thoughts go away it's it's this five four three two one thing where you pick five things you can see four things you can touch three things you can taste two things you can smell one thing you can hear or so that like mm-hmm mm-hmm like maybe that's subconsciously your brain doing a thing to like calm you or relax you Oh, wow. I do a thing that's, that's quirky in a way.

If I hear a noise or a certain phrase or someone's voice that strikes me, I repeat it. So constantly, like, I'll repeat it in my head. Like, if I hear a bird chirp a certain way, sometimes for the day I'll just be like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Really? Yeah, or like I'll try to replicate noises with a whistle. A big whistler. That's like my big work.

I whistle a lot. You do? Can you whistle like a bird? That's more like a construction worker, I think. I was thinking more like, that type of thing? That type of thing? That was incredible.

I'm just asking guy Oh, that type of thing What? You know, a little cricket action? I mean, are we off the side of the Harlan Highway at night? Because I hear some birds of chirping, some crickets going, some nighttime noises. Do you want to do a nighttime poem and I'll fill in the sound effects?

Yeah. Take your time, bro. Okay. All right. driving down the road on the horizon I feel the wind whipping up dust on the trail black skies as black as a lung windows rolled down

I hear a truck in the distance approaching They added a foghorn boat sound to the truck It keeps approaching and honking It must be trying to tell me something As the wind whips past my convertible I slow down as I'm fearful of the truck approaching but the truck has stopped honking

and it seems there's some sort of water I'm around and there's maybe I don't know what that animal noise is but I know it must be coming from an animal It sounds like there's a sick frog. Possibly the truck is trying to warn me of the radioactive spill down the road that has made these animals so sick. Oh my God. Approaching a jaws shark.

with a giant cricket riding on top of it. Oh, it has a gas. I hope this truck has pepto. And I hope more noises come because this is now turned from a poem to just a narrative story that's going nowhere. It seems. Off the road. Oh, the truck went off the road.

That was no poem, my friend. No, we tried. We tried. We got to experiment, right? It's like we said earlier. Some of the poems work and I was like, no, you can have that one back. Yeah, I'll take that to the poem factory. That was defected.

We messed that one off. We got distracted by the... I was supposed to lead and then I took you leave. Yeah, you know what? I think what threw it off is when you said the dark skies, I was trying to do thunder. and you took it as a try i was trying to be like i couldn't do it i was trying to be like rolling like oh and you took it as a truck and then that's when we fucking hit a wall yeah we suck yeah

like how bad do we suck you know fuck do you got to suck before you succeed yeah part of succeed to suck and succeed so we suck seeded real bad bro wow wow that was the worst Like, that poem probably ruins the first two we did, you know? That's, well, also, that's a poem. If you're teaching poetry, that's what not to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy.

You know what? I'll take, I'll take the blame on that. No. You were great. No way, dude. Fuck me. My thunder sucked. It did sound like a honk, honk.

It sounded like a truck, you know. But how do you make the noise of thunder? I was trying. trying to do like that rolling like distant thunder because you said the black clouds and then my mind went ooh black clouds thunders i was trying to like rolling like but it it sounded like a mac 18 wheeler hauling vegetables to cleveland yeah this is why i need to go to devry well hey everybody check out my merchandise at harbling dot com yeah most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie but not me yours

truly guess what i draw my own designs at hardbleng dot com you can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts uh you can either buy the original or you can buy a print and uh man oh man wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. I mean, I think you can do it. You'd probably need some recommendations.

Do you have like a mentor or someone that could write your letter of recommendation to DeVry? I have a roll of Mentos. Oh, it might help. Speaking of art and poetry, bro, we can't. I mean, everyone sees it. They're looking at it right now. They're probably not looking at me. They're glaring at your beautiful tats.

Why, thank you. Yeah, like beautiful colored tattoos. Thank you. It's art. It's art in motion. It is. Talk to me about like what's going on there. The impetus for those.

I love tattoos. When I was a kid, I remember, I'll never forget going to this kid. I won't say the last name, but my friend Steve's house in like first grade. It's this early memory I have of us drawing on loosely. paper cutting it out and then scotch taping it to our arms and saying look we got tattoos oh wow and i always wind out tattoos and i enjoy the art and the history of them and these are a very specific kind these are called american traditional and they're bright bold beautiful colors very um reds greens yellows it's it's uh pretty much all similar coloring oh is it sort of throw

back to like the the biker days and the like kind of the 40s 50s 60s like bikers like that's what it looks like yep these are all flash tattoos flash are the designs that are hanging on the wall at the store yeah yeah so I pick them off the wall where I'll go and I become friends with my artists I go what do you feel like doing today what do you think it'll look good here and I'm like I don't know maybe what do you think about an eagle right there I'm like yeah I do want an eagle right do an eagle yeah you know wow so is there any on you though that are specifically, like, rather than having a little more of a random vibe, are there any on you that are like, like, of true sentimental, like,

yes. What can we talk about or is that too personal? No, no, very kind of you to ask. Yeah. The first tattoo I got was on my chest. I got it at 17. My mom had to be in the shop with me and sign off on it. Oh, wow.

Sacred Heart with my dad's name in it when he was born and when he died. my friend designed it and gave it to the shop artist and he kind of touch it up a bit put it on me and then they all had bets that I was going to either cry or get up and leave I sat through it the whole time really took it yeah five hours yeah 17 years old wow yeah that's pretty good we have my my mom was there we took a picture of it yeah what's the image it's a sacred heart oh sacred heart yeah yeah and so it's like a classically drawn sacred heart and it's black and white and then the blood from the heart is red and uh there's an image there's there's a picture of me 17 years old just rail thin and i have this look at my face like please stop now and my

chest is full of blood you know wow yeah that was the first one did you have the stash at that age oh inside on the inside it had grown out it had to manifested itself in reality were you even shaving yet no okay okay because you said you're italian right yeah a lot of italian boys actually get facial hair a little earlier than the rest. Yeah, kids. Yeah. Okay. Dude, that's pretty, you got a man up at 17 to get a tat.

And that area hurts, right? It was so painful, Harlan. Oh, my God. No. Wow. Didn't cry. Straight shot whole way through. And it was gnarly.

Yeah. And a chest piece is huge. I think I can beat it. Look, I don't want to get into a pissing match. Please, I love piss. Let's piss. When I was 17, similar story.

on the chest, my mother there, same time frame, but what kind of makes me a little power move above you, I didn't cry a tear and my tattoos of a cut open Spanish onion and not one tear. Really? Of an onion, a raw onion. So for me to, I mean, yeah, you sat through a heart, but I had an exposed onion.

and to not cry to this day you still have that onion yeah it does not draw a tear to your eye not a tear I bet if I saw it I cried and it ain't because of the onion it's because of what that tit looks like pal I dare you you know I'm lactating right now otherwise I'd pull it out faster than a demented walrus at a garbage canned festival um I mean how much of those tickets um I have a tattoo I never talk about this. It's kind of, it's kind of, uh,

auspicious placement. Yeah. But I got a tattoo of one of my girlfriends on my, scroto on my testicles. No way. Yeah, because she was nuts. The balls on you,

Arland. No, but every, my, did I ever tell you my dad got one? What happened? That made me laugh so hard. My Marlborough.

what it says. Cigarette pendant fell off my necklace. You just made me laugh so hard. Cosmically, magically, this fell off my chest. Your necklaces of a pack of cigarettes. Uh-huh.

Wow, dude. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Isn't that fun? And you know what I, you know us, word association is going on

with comedians all the time. Yes. Marlboral cigarettes, right? Yes. And what did the Marlboro man have that was his trademark back in the seven, 70s and the 80s.

Mustache. Bro, you're the new Marlboro, man. I would love to be the new Marlboro man. Are you kidding me? I am the New Marlboro man. It's not about alpha toxicity. It's about being in touch with your feelings and still being a man. And I'll be that fucking guy.

Are you going to be... Are you the new Marlboro man? Oh, no. No, come on, man. You just told me I was. I suggested it. But the way you kind of took off of it, like, You kind of ran with it, kind of almost trying to kind of run me over with your power. Oh, come on, man.

Don't take this away from me. Well, I'm not going to take it away from you. I feel like I'm going to cry and it's not just the onion on your chest. This is what's going to take it away from you. Oh, come on. Oh, shit. That's bizarre. What?

I pulled the sticker so hard that it took the sticky off the thing. And you can't wear it. Well, I can wear the backing. So who's the marble? man now. I am because that's not a real mustache, you imposter. Fuck me. Give me that one. No! That was a sign from God

that I am the Marlboro man and you're just a second fiddle backup plan. What do you think of that? As soon as I have this on, I am going to be God. You can't even get it off. You can't even get it off. That's what she said. Oh, no, come on. You know what, fuck you. I'm going to put it on my forehead. You're Armenian. Yeah. I'm the Armenian Marlboro man.

Fuck you, dude. You can't beat this. A forehead stash? Uh-uh. Yeah, okay. You got one sitting on the clip mantle, but you don't got one on the forehead. Now, if this is a clip mantle, what's that?

Dominance? Podcast dominance? Fuck up. What are you doing? I need to dominate you. Wow, bro. See, I knew it. I was right.

Look, you're so itchy, twitchy. Hello? Yeah, 911. Oh. Yeah, there's someone here threatening. I need a swatting. A whatting? Oh, a swat?

You want the swat to come to the studio? Because I got a stash on my head. Armenian racist. Dude, my dad got a tattoo. Really? Yeah. It's weird because they're so trending now. My dad's 82.

Uh-huh. Gets a tattoo, but do you have a hula girl on you anywhere? No. Because that's a common one, right? My dad wanted, like, one of these interactive tattoos. The guys get, you've seen them, the guys get hula girls on their stomach. Oh, and then they make them wiggle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My dad wanted something original like that that would move, but he wanted something that he hadn't seen before, like something more original. So what did? The fucking guy, he got a tattooed. of the Disneyland log ride on the crack of his ass. Unreal. Every time he takes a shit, he feels like a kid again. No, I'll peek through the window.

He sits on the toilet like this. Yeah! I watch him. I watch my old man drop a dude. Too soon? How dare you. I got a tattoo of an elephant trunk. where on my wiener i knew it yeah i knew it and i ended up in the hospital about three weeks ago i

woke up in the morning and there was a peanut stuck in my oh because you're trying to suck water into it oh when looking for a peanut in the night my almost choked to death oh dare you're laughing from really hearty to like kind of almost sinister it's like it's like it went from a hot dog. Unbelievable. I've seen tattoos of elephant trunks on penises. It's just funny to imagine. Yeah.

Circus peanut in the hearing. I'm going to move these into eyebrows now, I think. Hold on. Wow, you are Italian. Yeah, now I'm. Look at that. What was that work? Actually.

That looks really great. That looks great. I'm like Russian. That looks great. I went from Armenian to Russian like that. Uh-huh. That's fantastic. Is that a power move or is that just Brook Shield stupid?

What the fuck is Brook Shield stupid? Well, you know that Nard had a giant eyebrow that went right across her head, right? Some say it hid the lobotomy scar, but I think it was beautiful. What did Brooke Shields ever do to deserve this? Right, I know. Shouldn't have been born. This wouldn't have been happening. You shouldn't have.

come out of mommy should have stayed in that little pink room in her stomach and sucked your placenta meat and not come out of your fucking blue bayou you are out of control those four women's at home living her life you know i this is this is this is you know typical of every beautiful person. What? But we're at the age now where, and it breaks my heart because, you know, I look in the mirror too, I'm not, I'm not singling anyone out, but this is, I'm noticing it more and more

because we're coming into the age where all the beautiful people that we grew up with are now sort of, not sort of, they are, they're drifting into the, you know, getting old into almost seniors country. Yeah. And they're getting to the spot where no fault of their own. I'm not age-shaming anyone, but boy, it's tough when you see the beautiful people, you know, like Brooke Shields and, you know, George Clooney and Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford. They're not awful, but what I'm saying is time, what time does to beautiful people, you know,

just, oh, I hate it. It's not fair. Well, what I think you're thinking of is what you're seeing they do to manage the time with plastic surgery, right? Not necessarily. I think aged beauty is beautiful. Yeah, I do too. Like when people age naturally, you know? No, it is.

And I agree. I think people who age naturally and even with the boat, but I think what I'm talking about is when you get to the point where not even cosmetic stuff can stop time. where you see the hairs now all gray, the teeth are a little crooked, the skin. At some point you have to stop with the cosmetic stuff or else you're just going to become a Frankenstein. And so it's happening to all of us, but I guess what I'm saying,

I'm not knocking people down, but it just breaks my heart. When beautiful people hurt. Yeah. When beautiful people lose, they're beautiful. When they start to, well, that beauty starts to fade away because it's so,

beautiful. Like when you look at an old movie, you look at an old Demi Moore, you look at an old, you know, Raquel Welch, or, you know, and you look at Bridget Bardot. There's a beautiful, I mean, she was a vixen. She was stunning. And now she looks like an old lady. She is an old lady. It's okay. But it just, it's like, oh, what I'm saying is time is so cruel. It is. Oh. Thank God, my eyebrows are synthetic and they will never, ever age. Hey, how are you doing? Pretty good. Pretty good, hey.

How are you doing there? Just slapping mustaches everywhere. Yeah, I can put one on my cheek. There we go. How you doing, kid? That looks great. Yeah? You look like you have eye black like a baseball player wears.

You need another one on the other side. Wait a minute. I just thought of an anatomical question for you. Why the hell is it that we just grow mustache is here? Why can't we just pop one out right here? Because God's cruel and life is unfair. Kind of like the old thing. Yeah.

Yep. But wait a minute. Hold on. I'm waiting. You are a stash god. Let's be honest. I've been given you a hard time. Finally, how long have I been here before you just admitted the true feelings you had?

I was intimidated. I was feeling bullied. I understand. I was feeling like CEOed by you. But, dude, you are a mustache god. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

And I guess this is a semi-real question, anatomically, why have mustache has been restricted to the weirdest of places our upper lip, which is a very tender piece of flesh underneath our nostrils, which, you know, why there? Why can't our faces sprout a mustache here or up here on a temple or what's going on? We do have mustaches up here, but we've seen. We've been tricked into calling them eyebrows, but these are eye stashes. They are? Yeah. These are eye mustaches. Yeah, I never thought of it like that.

Yeah. Anything could be a mustache if you put your mind to it. What is them? Okay. What is the function? If you're a historian in human evolution. Yes. Or human anatomy or whatever you want to call it.

What is the function of us? humans having hair under our noses and over our lips like this. I think it's for heat. Evolutionarily, we grew facial hair because this is cosmetic. I'm choosing. Yeah. If I didn't shave,

I'd have my whole face covered in hair. Okay. But chemically, I'm making it. There's no point in a mustache except for cosmetics. It's, but the facial hair grows to keep our faces warm because we came from the ice age. okay right well I'm asking you like eyebrows exist so that the sweat doesn't go directly into

our eyes all right perfectly same function and hair grows on our face to keep us warm i feel like hair grows to keep us warm right evolutionarily from you know millennia ago and we just choose to make a mustache but there's no function for my mustache except for intimidation and making potes all wet. That's why. That's why. I knew it. That's what I know when you sat down.

Yeah. Why do you think I have my emergency mustache prevention kit? So you're trying to get the ladies revved up. Brum boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

boom, wow, dude, yeah, Go speed racer. all over my face. Have you ever been in a scenario where you've been at a high class function

or some kind of event or an affair? And unbeknownst to you until you felt it or went into the bathroom had something in your stash. Come. Come. No. Talk to me.

Covered in come. What happened? Where were you? I blacked out. And I ended up at a, A fancy dinner. Whoa. The Ritz.

Wow. No. And did you notice it or did someone go, ah, Ian? The matri. The matriaculate. What? The matre d. Really?

Mm-hmm. He noticed it when he apologized for leaving the cum. Those matre d's. Yeah. Wow. He really put the D in the matre d. Wow. Wow, dude.

See, this is why I ask these questions. You never know. Yeah, you never know. It's good to ask. There's no bad questions. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I want to do a thing with you that I do with every guest.

I'd love it. We call it words from a wooden shoe, Ian. Uh-huh. And what you do, this is an authentic Dutch clog. I love it. It's full of words. Yeah. You reach inside, pull out a word, and see if it sparks a story from your life, from your journey,

from someone you might have known, something that happened to you. Just a random word, see if Ian Fidantz can... Brazil. Really? Okay. Any, here we go. Here we go. Brazil.

Brazil. What an odd one. Do I have any stories about Brazil? Any associations, anything in your life? Take your time, my guy. Um... Brazil. That's a Brazilian slurp.

Yeah. I'm in a gown. Brazilian. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes. We slept together and she ended up also sleeping with my roommate and told the roommate that she thought he was better in bed than me. Oh, really? Yeah, this is when I was drinking.

What? Was she a girlfriend or was it like sort of a one night? No, it was just like a one night thing? We hooked up. We went to the beach. Yeah. And when I was drinking, I was just a terrible lover and just such a slob and a mess. Really?

And she ended up sleeping with my other roommate who was a huge sloppy fat guy. She was like, you're so much better in bed than he. And I was like, I'm really going to change my life. Well, just the fact that she took the step away from you who seems, you seem like you're a thick guy. And back then you were probably even. fit or I'm assuming I was I was certainly I'm in shape now and back then I was a shape I'll say you were you were heavier I just had like a gut okay your belly gut you know but for her to take the step away from a guy who's in better shape than the roommate yeah man what's that got to do to your ego I mean it kicks

you in the ass and was she a Brazilian with the accent like was she a fiery Brazilian or was yeah yeah oh wow yeah yeah how did you find out my buddy told me i thought it was hilarious you just run hey dude you know that girl you've been with for the last three nights she was with me last night really no i had moved out oh and then they ended up uh when i left they ended up hooking up yeah you know what i think this is all leading to to close the show a poem might be a poem what was her name honestly harland i forget why don't we call her

Fernanda I like that out on the beach in the middle of the day the ocean rolling in covered in spray Fernanda appeared just over the

dune and as soon as I saw I started to swoon I said Fernanda come here I must give you a whisper I'll kiss your pussy and

that was terrible that was terrible don't put music to that hold on I pan I think I know what she went with the roommate now here with a whisper

with my dirty brown whisker I'm going to the roommate because you fucking suck wow wow wow This is what we call a poet for the ages, ladies and gentlemen. Wow.

Ian, what a pleasure, buddy. Please tell. By the way, folks, Ian, hilarious comedian, podcaster. This is your moment. Tell them where they can see you, where they can catch your stand-up, your anything, you're peddling, your podcast, all that stuff. Amazing. Yeah.

I have a special out on YouTube. It's called Ian Firedance, Wild Happy, and Free. Check it out. It's on my podcast. YouTube page. My podcast is Be and Ian with Jordan. Me and Jordan Jensen. And you've been on the show. It was so fun. What a blast. Such a good

time, man. It was great. Yeah. And that, the podcast Be and Ian with Jordan comes out every Wednesday on YouTube. I Animal 6'9 on Instagram. And I'm going all over. I'm touring every weekend until the end of the year. Whoa. Yeah, I'm loving it, man. I'm having a blast on the road.

And you can get tickets in my mailing list at PunchUp. dot live slash Ian finance for all my dates. Dude, just does a little goodbye thing before we go. If you want to, you don't have to,

but if you want to, I'm going to let you do this. If you'd like to peel a mustache off my face, go for it. Really? Oh, man. Yeah.

Oh, look at that, folks. The double, the double bubble. The double stash, like a dumber decal. double-deckle-bloss? Double-deckle-bloss. Folks,

poet, comedian, mustache god, Ian for dance. That's it for today on the Hala Highway podcast. Until next time, chicken chow-main and keep your mustache in order.

Thanks, buddy. Thank you, man. This is so fun. Awesome. Thanks. Oh, should we just say goodbye with a, like, make it rhyme at least? Yeah.

Goodbye, my friend. I'm glad you could come. I always enjoy my time And I hope you always have fun And now we are done I gotta run Hey everybody How would you like your very own

Personal video message from me Yours Truly It's your birthday It's your anniversary It's your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to

cameo dot com and i record a custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized harland