The Harland Highway - IAN FIDANCE is back and he's teaching me how to smoke, yell, and hiss like an angry kitty cat!

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

This Episode is Sponsored by Mando and Tushy -Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code: HARLAND at Mandopodcast.com/HARLAND! #mandopod -Over 2 Million Butts Love TUSHY. Get 10% off TUSHY with the code [HARLAND] at https://hellotushy.com/[HARLAND] Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Ian Fidance: Website: https://www.ianfidance.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ianimal69/?hl=en X: https://x.com/ianimal69?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tickets at harlemwilliams.com. Actually, I had another New York story. Don't fucking point of me, pal. This guy, I'll fucking point wherever I want. You just want to tell a story. You point somewhere else, but don't fucking point of me. This is New York City. Okay, carry on.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. Heartland Highway Show Hardland Williams Whoa, did you have that screen with the switches The last time I was here? Yeah. Oh, cool. Oh, yeah, this is a high-tech podcast. Yeah.

I told you this goes all over the whole world, right? No. Yeah, like someone in, you can take this to the bank. Someone in Sweden, a guy in Scotland, and probably someone in Australia will see this. No way. Yeah. I'm taking it to the bank.

Telling you, guy. I'm going to give him my debit card. Dude, take it. Take it. This is an international podcast. I don't know where Rogan goes. I don't even know if his goes outside of the intercontinental United States. I don't think so.

I think Rogan ends on the shores of California and on the shores of Boston. I don't think he has the reach I do. No. You want to say hello to any country? Hi to everybody out there in Azerbaijan. It's good to be here. Hello to the vampires in Transylvania. Issa Jibon a country?

I think so. I thought that was like a European hockey team. The Azerbaijani-Bajani's. That's the hockey team. So what's the language spoke in Aja Bajanj? I think it's... That's a Azerbaijan for a little. Wow.

It's a very... It's almost like the African... fucking Bushman, it's a, it's a series of clicks and noise, yeah. Can I try, I'm quick at picking up languages, ready? Sure, sure. Hold on, hold on. You know what, well, you're doing that. I'm going to adjust my camera just a little tiny bit.

I went to a joke in Magic Store before I came here. I asked him if they had x-ray specs. they said, no. What kind of a joke in magic shop doesn't have x-ray specs? Why would you want the dimensions of a joke store that are see-through? Hmm?

What? I said, why would you want the dimensions of a joke store that are see-through, transparent dimensions? Mm-hmm. Well, I wanted the see-through glasses so that I could see some boobings on the wheel. Oh, I thought you said you wanted some see-through specs.

You wanted the dimensions. So you wanted the dementia. You know, you've got to be clear with me. What are you speaking? Auberger-Jongy to me or what? Well, I wanted some. Do one more, and then I'm going to do an Ojid your Bonji sentence.

Okay. But as you're doing it, I'll lip sync. And then are there are people watching? It'll be a secret message just to that. Yeah. So tell me when you're going to do it. Okay. Ready, one, two.

Hey, you know what? Have a cigarette. Oh, wow. Since we can't smoke indoors, I got these. Oh, wow, they're the phonies. Uh-huh. Oh, dude. Yeah.

I'm going to smoke this the whole. We could rip sticks on the pot. Hold on, dude. Oh, yeah. Here, you know what? If you need one, I got... Hold on, dude. There you go, put that in there.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, man, this is like the lost boys. Don't worry, I got one for me, too. Oh, dude. Come on now. Yeah, Marlboro, man. Uh-huh.

Okay, then I gotta do this one. Yep. There it is. Oh, dude. Wait, let me... You already got the hair for it. You look great. Yeah, yeah, there it is.

is oh my goodness look at you where'd you park your hog it's out in the uh the garage you ready to party i'm ready to party it's p a r t y why you uh want to head down to the beach and crack some cold ones with me jimmy i want to crack some cold ones i want to rev some bikes up cause you know loud pipes save lives vroom vroom rum rum i'm gonna get that tattooed on the back of my girlfriend i love it i'm gonna get a a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, you got to start there. And then I can start tattooing her. Dude, I love these.

They're like glowing. Yeah, it's like an ember. Yeah, it's perfect. Start the kids young, you know, like training wheels for cigarettes. So what? You went to a joke store and got these? Yeah, Halloween joke and magic shop and costume shop. Heavy on the costumes, loaning the jokes.

Have you ever smoked? For real? I've dabbled. Really? Mm-hmm. When did you start? First cigarette I ever had was 12. Mm-hmm.

And then I stopped and then smoked again in eighth grade, stopped, smoked again in ninth grade, stopped, and then picked it up again full-time at 21. And you're still going? Mm-hmm. You're one of those, you don't see a lot of people that smoke now as a daiza. I know. I know.

We're a dying breed because we're literally dying. Yeah. Yeah. Hello. Hello. What is it? What's in it for you that makes the kid go? What makes you do it?

Well, I don't do anything. I don't drink anymore. I don't do drugs. No pot, no nothing. Oh, wow. It's all like, I'm coming up on 10 years sober. It's all I got left. Ripping Sigs, drinking coffee.

And I love it. You know, I just like it. I've tricked myself into believing it relieves my stress and gets rid of anxiety. And then I just like, it's calming for me. I like the act of packing a pack, taking it out, popping one in, you know. There's a ritual to it, right? Yes. It's sort of like, I don't smoke, but it's akin to going for sushi.

Yeah. Because you get the fish, you pour the soy sauce, you stir the wasabi, you take the fish, you dip it, you eat it, you eat the ginger. It's a whole dance, right? A whole song and dance, you know. Oh, I got you, my guy. Oh, I got you. Yeah.

I think I might start smoking. I think you should. I think that's the next step in Harlan 2.0. You cereal? Yeah, I'm cereal. I'm Captain Crunch, buddy. Peanut butter or regular? Or dingleberries?

I like a little peanut butter. If I start smoking, though, I'm going to do the rollies. Like, I'm just going to buy the pouch of tobacco and get the rolling papers and just roll my own. Yeah. Well, that helps to. smoking like chain smoking because it takes a ball and that's ritualistic too that's like making your own sushi it's like hand rolling your own you know i'm a cotzi and uh wow yeah the the rollies are good but i like just having them in a pack you know you do oh yeah yeah it's a lot easier

i did when i lived in germany i had a girlfriend who rolled her own oh cool and she i always like a gal that rolls her own she rolled her own she had armpit hair rolled her own looked like a young Faye Dunaway. Wow. So I didn't mind. Nice. Added in mind that she rolled her own. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm looking for a young Daryl Hannah and mermaid. Oh, dude. And Splash? Yeah. Splash. Daryl Hannah was my high school crush.

Get out of here. When I saw, I'll tell you a funny stand-up story. I love it. When I was in high school, Darrell Hannah was my go-to, like when I saw her in Blade Runner, that was it. Like, tall, blonde, piercing blue eyes, Fishnet, stockings, the black makeup.

That was my woman, and I used to say to my friends, excuse me, there you go. I used to say to my buddies, if I ever meet her, that's my wife. I'm going to marry that one. Uh-huh. So she was like my Marilyn Monroe or whatever, what, today what are the kids? Well, when I was younger, my was Jenny McCarthy.

Oh, yeah. I had a poster of her on my wall. Oh, I loved her. I bought her Jenny McCarthy Safari Summer Hits. It was just like 50 surf rock with her on the cover. And I was like, I need it. Yeah, she was a babe, all babe. Smoke, smoke show.

Yeah. That's right. So here's what happened. Cut to this is about maybe, let's say 10 years ago now. Mm-hmm. Our boy, John Lovitz, you know Johnny. I know Johnny. So John.

I love it to him. Yeah, love it's. Johnny Lovitz from S&L. He opens his own. comedy club in in uh hollywood really at universal studio city walk thing okay it's like a huge tourist attraction he opens it they put his sign up john levitt's comedy club blah blah blah blah guy phones me he goes yeah holland uh i've opened a comedy club uh i'm doing the opening i'd like you to headline the opening of the whole club what an honor and i go wow really he said

yeah, all the media's going to be there, the press, everybody's going to be there. And I couldn't say, no, I love the guy. Plus, it's a local gig. So I go to the thing, David Spade's there, he's there, all these celebrities are there, the cast of friends is there, Gary Marshall, the guy who directed Pretty Woman is at my feet in the front row. Oh, my God. The cast from modern families there, like, you know, he got everyone out.

That's so cool. it was very cool so everyone goes up and yeah sorry it's good take a drag and I do this too by the way this is how tough I am wow I put him out my hand before oh you eat them I eat the ashes I eat the ashes but you eat them you've heard the saying ashes to ashes dust to dust well for me it's ashes to ashes I don't give a fuck there it is Thank you. You're welcome. So, so I wait for everyone to finish.

David Spade goes up, all these, like, kind of recognizable comedians, celebrities. The media's there. It's a big should do. I'm about to go up. I'm like a minute from going up. I'm standing in the shadows with Lovett. And he's like, oh, how do you like it?

And I go, this is great, dude. What a turn. He goes, yeah, you see how my friend, the people from friends are here. And there's Gary Mark. and there's Ed O'Neill, and I said, yeah, this is great. And he goes, and there's Daryl Hannah. Oh, geez, easy, easy.

So Daryl, he goes, Daryl Hannah, and I almost lock up. I go, what did you say? He goes, yeah, Daryl Hannah's here. And I go, no, tell me you're joking. He points, there she is sitting over in the corner. Yeah, your butt's about to fall out. I heard that before. And YMCA.

So, dude, I've had a whole career of doing stand-up. Yeah. Never been frazzled. Maybe the most anxious or frazzled I've ever been is the first time I did Letterman. It was like, you know, it was like, boom. Yeah. So I hear Daryl Handers. I've been in Hollywood all this time, never met her, never saw her anywhere.

Now she's right there. I'm about to go on stage. I'm the big headliner at this celebrity get-together, opening the club. And that's your girl. That's my girl. That's the one I want to marry. And I go up, dude, and I lock up. Like, all I can think of is her.

No. And I go into Robo autopilot. Like, I start saying words, jokes from my act. I'm just like, and then the cats are funny, aren't they? Cats are, everyone have a litter box? like I was just like I couldn't think I couldn't I did about six minutes bombing no bombing silence like Gary Marshall the director of pretty women's up there like is this guy supposed to be on the show like dude eating it finally I just stopped the show and I go folks I got to be honest with you darrell he told me darrell hannah's in

the audience she's been my dream girl since I was in high school oh my goodness I'm to I'm gonna be honest with you folks i know i'm eating it up here i'm bombing all i can think all i can see is darrell hannah darrell thanks for fucking up my act and i'm going to keep going i'm going to try my best but i got to tell you all i'm thinking and seeing right now is darrell hannah yeah and i kept going and did the crowd love it no they were like they were like they were like what is this weird like what i thought that was going to rally the troops no oh we get it now i think they thought they were an intervention or something hilarious yeah uh hanavention and so now i continue my act i do like another ten minutes just keep dive bombing wow couldn't wait to get off of there all i could see was her

you know hand in hand walking down the aisle oh my goodness seeing her walking out of the mist and blade runner and i get us i was the last guy so the show was uh ending excuse me yeah go for me too And I get off stage. Lovitz walks me over to her. I get to meet her. And I just go, Daryl, I've been mad about you my whole life. And I said, I just bombed because of you, but I don't care. And she just hugged.

She goes, oh, you're so cute. And she hugged me. Get out of here. And we just had a little friendly exchange. Yeah. But, dude. Oh, wow. But that's how much I dig Daryl Hannah.

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Did you guys stay in touch or anything? No, I was terrified. Normally I'm not, I'm not that anxious, but I was just terrified. Have you ever had one of those where you were just like, you met someone, you sort of had on a pedestal your whole life and you just never you met them and you you kind of short-circuited or anything? I'm trying to think. Coffee and a cigarette. You know, I saw Daryl Strawberry at the airport and I'm a huge baseball fan and I didn't know what to say.

So I just said, thank you for everything. And he went, uh-huh, and get walking. So we go from Daryl handed a Daryl. Strawberry. Okay. Wow. Look at that. Yeah.

He was definitely not on my list. You know, I know. Splash and splosh. God. Yeah. Speaking of water and mermaids, dude, can we talk about, have you run into this with the ladies and their water bottles? No.

You haven't been out with a girlfriend or a woman folk. I told you. I've won a girlfriend so I can tattoo her. I know, but... You already got your biker girlfriend. I'm looking for mine. I know, but dude. Wait, are you talking about the ones that carry the water bottles around?

The water bottles. Oh, yeah. You can go on a hike. They got a water bottle for in the car to get to the hike. At the hike, they got a different water bottle. When you go to the thing, they got the giant jug in the... Yeah. We're living our lives.

They're not on the Oregon Trail. You don't need a bunch of canteens, lady. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Is it drive you nuts or no? Do you even notice? No, but now it does. No, it does.

They're going to be my Daryl Hannah. I'm going to just stare at it and get so frustrated. I just feel like there's too much water going on. People in the 60s and the 70s didn't have bottled water. It was just when you got thirsty, you grabbed a garden hose. Maybe you'd put your head under the tap and just drink. Yeah. But now everywhere you go, especially, I'm sorry, ladies, I'm just going to say,

because this has been my history, knock it off with the 90 jugs of water everywhere. I was told that they have these bottles of water that they fill up because of best Fennel A. That's like the chemical that's produced when the sun heats up a plastic water bottle. It's like really bad for you, I've heard. But I don't care. I never used water bottles. Matter of fact, before I came here, everybody was getting sick in New York.

So I got a bunch of immunity broth, chicken bone broth with some collagen and vitamins. And I poured it in a used water bottle. and I was drinking soup going around to do my sets in the city. No, was it a clear, clear bottle? Oh, yeah. So you, it looked like it was like some kind of weird, like yellowish. It was, yeah. Like you were drinking curry?

Yellow drinking curry radioactive sauce. Oh, God. Going around town. And did it stink? Let me tell you. Yeah. It was, I was not fun to be around. Oh, my God.

Dude. Yeah. Yeah. But here's the thing. I had one friend, a dear, dear friend. Mm-hmm. You know, I was complaining about the water thing, and they broke it down to me and said,

you're supposed to drink 12 glasses of water a day. I know. It's like doing homework for your body. Right. 12. And so, and so I went on. I got to drink my water. I forgot.

And then I just ended up cramming before I go to bed. Right. 12 freaking glasses of water. So I went on and I wanted to make sure the shit was right. So I go on Google, and it turns out the human body's already 76%. water. Turned out my friend was trying to drown me. Murderer.

Tried to murder me. Crafty. Crafty. You know, they have water bottles that have notches on them for when you're supposed to drink and how much. What I mean, dude. And you know who I found that out from? A woman. Yeah. That's what I mean. It's way too much water stuff. Like, you can't go on a hike with a woman.

You can't go to the mall with a woman. there's always got to be a juggle with them can't live with them you know oh did you ever see chucky four huh chucky four yeah no okay one of my favorite lines and i'm not a woman hater but this is just such a clever yeah it made me howl okay hang on yeah thank you dude i like smoking with you yeah like i feel like we were buds and we bonded but now there's something else going on that's the part of the cigarette man like Smoky and the bandit or something. Yeah. I like it.

There it is. But anyways, like Chucky 4, Chucky 5, Chuck, one of them. A friend of mine, an actress friend who drinks way too much water. Oh, boy. Yeah. When you're doing water bubble farts and you're not in the bath, you're drinking too much water. If you're making water bubble farts and you ain't in a bed,

you drink too much water. Um, there he is. God, I'm thinking about it. These ashes are actually good. They got a little grit as like cornmeal. I'm thinking of instead of having them spread my ashes when I have my family eat them. These are good. I would be honored if when I died, I was cremated and rolled into cigarettes and everybody smoked me.

Oh, dude, I'd smoke you. I'll smoke you if you'll eat my ash. I'll eat your ass. Let's go. We're getting way too familiar. We're getting way too familiar. Oh, yeah. I'm getting lightheaded from these guys.

I like how we take drags together, too. We're turning into real smoking buddies. Yeah. Wow. This is wild. It's weird. When you get older, you don't.

Yeah. You don't. like you're going to bond with another male. Yeah. Right? As you become a male and you get older, you know, you do it when your kids, but I feel like there's some wild bonding happening here because of these. I know.

We got black shirts, blue jeans. I mean, come on. And attitudes to kill. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay, so Chucky 16 or whatever. Chuckie, yep, yep. Hang on.

There it is. Take a swig. You ever do a shotgun? Or you ever do a strikeout? No, what's that? Woo! He's doing when we were younger. Okay.

You take a bong rip. Yeah. You chug a beer, do a shot, and then you blow the bong rip out. It's called strikeout. That's also a sex act in West Hollywood. What? Yeah. That's where I'm staying.

Good night, Nellie Frittato. Oh, I'm like a bird. Have you ever done a Nellie Frittato? No, what's that? It's also a sex act in West Hollywood. What is it? It's got, I don't know. You tell me, you're the one staying there.

I'm going to try it out. You do a deli for Tato today? I'll do it. Dude. Yeah. A Tato. Oh, pulling a Tato. Tato Bell.

Do a late-night Tato. Fourth meal. All right. So, Chucky 23. Chuckie 23. There's a line in the movie. Chuckie's in a room. And I'm not a woman hater.

I love women, but this was a line in the movie. Yeah. That was not favorite. towards women. Oh, boy. But funny. Yes. Chuckie's in the room with a woman.

He comes to life. She realizes evil. He's got the knife. They start a rassling. You know, a six-foot woman somehow can't beat up a little doll this tall. With a somehow has the strength to hold up a, you know, a chef Gordon Ramsey, like steak knife, you know. So they start rassling. And of course, you know, Chuckie.

pushes her against the door. Somehow she gets lifted up or he lifts her up. Somehow she's up a few feet. Chuckie throws the knife through the throat. Oh boy. Pins of the door. Get out. Hang in there.

You know. And then Chuckie, here's the line he does. Okay. It's a variation on yours, ready? He goes, women can't live with them? And that's it. He never finished. He just says you can't live with him.

He doesn't do the back part. Like he just totally can't live with them. And that's it. And it was just like. I thought he was going to go, women can't live with them and they can't live. No. Wow.

He just leaves him hanging. He just left it like can't live with them. And that was it. It was so freaking funny. Good for him. Yeah. I'm speaking of life, my guy. Yeah.

I'm a fan. This is a science question. Let's see it. You like science. You like the scionts? I like sky. Why is there a C in science? Shouldn't it just be S-I-N-E-N-C-E-S?

Why is it sky-e-es? I don't know. Because I think in order to master it, you're going to be smart. And if you're not smart, you would go science. Oh, so the word in itself is an academic word that's right out of the gate. a test of your knowledge and intelligence. Yeah. Wow.

And what's interesting is where do we learn scaheons in Skahoole? In Haig school. School. So you, this is the tri-fad. We learned Scha-Hiants in Haig-Skahoole. And they expect us to come out and own out a spell? No wonder people are drinking so much water.

Fuck me Eat me Did you say eat me What'd you say? He ate my ass My ass Hey everybody My brand new book

Uncle Milton is here at last It's a collection of Strange but Wonderful short stories And you can read that Along with some of my other books I bet you didn't know that I wrote books Did you? It's a little secret I've had

We have craved with zombie stories And we have journeys people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life, sex, sin, and Satan, where we explore some darker themes, and don't look under the bed, some Twilight's Onus stories for bedtime reading at Harlan Williams.com. So what's your Schaian's question? Here's my Schaian.

This pertains to me, you, and everyone watching. Let's hear. Wait, are my things, are they okay? Mine, yours look cooler than mine. No, you can look cool, too. Mine were up the wrong way. Mine were like vertical. Versus inverted.

Yeah, mine need. Well, yours has to be sticking out a little. No, no, no, yours is all right. Is it all right? Yeah. Wait. Yeah, and you got the sleeves high, too. Yeah.

Yeah. We're like the outsiders. Yes, but we're inside. Fuck, how weird is that? Crazy. We're the outsiders, but we're the inside outsiders. Oh. Oh, man.

You ain't pony boy. You horse man. I'm horse cock. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. And I'm not soda pop, I'm apple juice. Yeah.

Damn. So here's the Skyans question. It's a weird one, but it's not being naughty. I found it fascinating. Do you know how many, because we started off as what? Microscopic. Tadpoles. Tadpoles.

Polywog, spermies. Do you have any idea how many of us come out in a normal, let me just say an ejaculate. How many of us polywogs? Oh, like millions. You've got a number. Now, take a guess. 16 million.

How many? Go a little higher. 23 million. 30 million. 50 million. 69 million, 150 million, 250 million, because 150 million. Up to 800 million spermies in one shot. No way.

You believe that? Is that why they say children are miracles because one out of that 800 million makes it? Right. How the hell did we get here? Wow. But and then you got to factor in. we're in the 800 million of the ones that were parked in the garage. Right.

We weren't the 800 million that were, you know, behind the Denny's or at night making love to the mattress or like how lucky are we to be here? That's such a good way of looking at it. Dude, 800 million and we have the balls to smoke? Wow. Fuck off. Well, yeah, we had the balls because we were in them. We are the balls. we are the balls dude isn't that wild yeah like think of it we have you and me have

i would say billions of brothers and sisters we've never met wow billions billions because if your dad's i don't want to get graphic here but let's say your dad had a like 800 times in his life. Yeah. Times 800 million per... Uh-huh. That's got to be billion. Yeah, but think about how many dead relatives we have that.

Right? Yeah, that didn't make it. Rest in peace is. Yeah. Lots of them. We got billions of deadies. We made it and we got the balls to smoke and go to Dairy Queen. I love it.

Smoking at Dairy Queen. Wait, you love it. You, like, rubbing it in the faces of your dead siblings? Mm-hmm. Dude, you got a cruel streak I've never seen before. Every time I, shp, p, shp, I go, Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I am the Lord of the universe.

Wow. I giveeth and takeeth away. I chose to not put you where you're supposed to go. I put you in the palm of my hand. Whoa, dude. You got a real God comp. I know. Or a gob complex.

Or a goth complex. I really like the cure. Yeah. Nice. That's going to get a drag. Hey. Hmm. Have you ever experienced like a weird, someone in your family had a weird death or someone

you know, like had a weird suspect, strange, maybe a suspicious death or a bizarre hit by a bizarre hit by a bus or fell off a cliff oh a cow what oh someone was stampeded by a cow no my grandmother my my aunt ended up uh signing over the her medication dispersion to where the the home my grandmother lived in the nurses weren't giving her medication my my aunt took over and my aunt told my mom are the ones that if she doesn't take them she dies and then she ended up being in charge of giving my grandmother the medication and then there was a signage of papers and then a couple weeks later my grandmother died oh it's just natural causes and then we were not in the will what yeah and that was a strange circumstance oh really we don't talk to them anymore really yeah oh yeah oh

Oh, wow. That's kind of sucks, right? When money gets in the way of... Money gets in the way of everything. Money changes everything. It's terrible. You know? Dude.

Wild, huh? Have you ever had someone that... It was like a weird, like physical death, though? Like somebody that, like, you know... Like a weird, wacky, huh? I'm trying to think. Yeah. I did have an Aunt Betty who died in a freak whoopee cushion accident.

Are you serious? how did that go how did that sound like a fart in a wind wow betty betty crocker betty boom boom whoa dude is that for real no she didn't so you just made aunt betty up okay okay i was just fun and how about you um hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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I don't know if there's anyone in my life that had like a weird, a weird ending, like a weird, like out of the ordinary death. Like I was kind of fishing for like, you know, every now and then year, someone got killed by a shark or a, a cocaine.

coconut fell on their head or they yeah the old coconut on the head yeah you know well i saw a thing on the internet fell fell on the window yeah like they thought they were driving into a tunnel but someone just painted it on the wall yeah yeah yeah exactly uh but uh yeah so i just wondered because that stuff fascinates you i was thinking about you know what a crapshoot it is that we have life you know when i when i when i read that statistic about the spermies and i'm thinking it's sad that all have to die but then I thought what a miracle it is to live what a miracle it is to live but the way that some people die so weirdly like the coconut thing's real there's something if you go on google something like 23 people a year die from a coconut dropping on their head from under a coconut

tree or a palm tree or wherever they're from oh my goodness yeah so just weird stuff like that well I like that the idea that you know to think back to the basics of out of $800 million, we made it. So you can look at yourself as like, wow, this is an amazing, I like stuff like that. There's a woman named Claudia Black, who is the founder of adult children's of alcoholics. She is a quote that says, it's never too late to have a happy childhood. And I really like that because I think a lot of things are about perspective and perception. Yeah.

And you can view your life as one way, but, you know, in time, you can learn to forgive and to accept. And if you look back at the horrific. things you can take a step back and go well this made me who I am so in a way I have to be grateful for it and so then you can look back not with condemnation and sadness but for appreciation of the things that happen no matter how bad they may have been and I think that's a good start to be like whoa out of 800 million I was a one yeah and if you really think about it you were surrounded by those living entities those sperm cells were living entities you were you were in this cluster of 800 million.

And you already started out winning a race. You already come out a winner. Yeah. And you beat them all somehow. And so you look at your life and you go, death, you're just gone. Yeah. The fact that you made it out of all those other cells is such a complete miracle that even on your worst day, if you think of it through that prism, you can go, you know what?

Yeah, I lost my job. Yeah, my girlfriend left me. Yeah, I'm feeling really depressed, but man, I'm here. I made it. I got life. You know what I mean? I got life. So if that helps any of you out there, it's a weird way to look at it.

But next time you're feeling down, picture your dad having an orgasm. You know what? Now I feel like I want to die. I'm not feeling good right now, guy. Let's fill you out with a bunch of water and have you good. Yeah, keep it wet. Okay, so I'm dying to ask, because when you came in here, you were speaking of water, you were watering down your latest tat, talk to me.

But I love the tat. Some people, some people don't wear them well, but you got a really nice arrangement going on. You've got sort of a theme with sort of the retro kind of, it's like the 50s, 40s type of deco art. It's called American traditional. It's a specific type of tattoo. You go to, you know, certain shops, and these are flash tattoos. So these are all on the walls. They're classic designs.

Yeah. And I go to a shop in Queens, New York, called R&D tattoo. Matter of fact, I'm wearing the shirt right now. R&D. Give them a plug. If you need a tattoo, go to R&D. New York, man, R&D, the guys there are fantastic. Rich Fye, Daniel Strauss, Akira Latansia, Dave Mowers.

Do you have one guy that does, do you want one? When you go in, I want, I want Ketina Tar or whatever his name. What was his name? A clean guitar. What was his name? A clean guitar. A clean guitar. A clear.

A Kira. A Kira guitar. A Karea guitar. Shakira's guitar. Shakira's guitar. And the hips don't lie, neither to the tips of the needles. Wow. But no, these are all done at R&D.

I go to different guys. Different guys. But they're all in the same, you know, style. And I just got this. this done by Ian O'Nolan and what is it can you flex it for the camera a little bit there this is this is again I got it last week so it's still healing okay so when it heals it it turns into a scab and so what you do is you um well I wash it and clean it all the time oh to help I didn't know that faster yeah I didn't know that about getting a tattoo it it scabs up yeah oh I thought it was

just on and then done no I've never had a tap there's a healing process you can dry heal you can use a and d ointment and then lotion or you can use a tagaderm which is a second skin that you you put it over and it almost like it gets uh it fills with like this kind of blackish ink bubble what and that's basically the tattoo healing and then you take it off and it's healed after five days so i did that on a couple close to my heart because that's where the blood flows the most so that that'll heal faster you know but But, yeah, so I got this skull and spade, and I just got a new cat. He's four months old.

His name's Glenn Danzig. Glenn Danzig, Fydance, and I'm after the singer of the Misfits. Oh, wow. And this is the new one that represents him? This is Glenn, and I got Samson for my other cat right here. Oh, wow. That's my two guys. Oh, wow.

What kind of cat? Oh, gray short hair tabby. Oh, dude. I'm allergic to cats. Are you? But I've always, I've thought about getting one of the. bald ones because they have no dander it's the dander the dander the people are do you know what dander is this it's actually the saliva in the dander that because they lick themselves and it's an

enzyme in the saliva that activates the the dander in the hair so somebody learned their sky into the scohool i did keep going this i'm i need to learn this i'm talking to someone that was learning on that they're trying to isolate the dander the the saliva and the enzyme and the protein so that you can then take a pill that makes you immune to it. So people that are allergic can then have cats. But the hairless cats are great because they're very lovey and like lap cats. Yeah. Even though like they have a weird texture to them.

Yeah. But they're super lovey and like sweet, you know. Yeah, the bald cats, it's almost like holding your own nutbag and it purrs. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like imagine holding your own nutbag. You ever want to sling your nuts over your shoulder. Yeah.

That's a good. cat well that's a that motor's running that's a bald cat like yearhole that's like just imagine grabbing your testicles a fucking fat sack I could put you to sleep at night that is exactly how how cats sound oh goodness gracious what's up me oh my oh my oh me oh me oh meow me oh me oh me oh me oh me me um so do you like the baldies the bald cats I don't come weird texture they're kind of oily you have to clean them a lot you know i like cats because they're very uh well the ones i have the kind i like they're very um low maintenance oh high reward yeah so um you know like when i go away i'm on i'm away right now they have automatic feeders

automatic water bottle water bowl and my cousin comes over every other day my cousin sherry yeah she comes over takes care of them and i have a camera that watches them And so I see them, like, play with each other. And, you know, and so, you know, you can't just throw cats together. They're not dogs. They're not, you know, they, they're very scent-oriented. They're very territorial. So you have to slowly integrate them.

So when I got Glenn introducing him to Samson, I took off spots. I took off work. I took off for three, three to four days. I didn't do anything but just work on integrating them and like really letting Samson. who is the cat that lives, you know, I've had for five years, like letting him know that, like, there's no thread. He's the king. And then I was slowly introducing Glenn and then slowly introducing Samson

and doing different things with the food and the sense. And, you know, putting like a shirt that Samson lays on and I have in with Glenn and then switching it out so they get their smells together. And now they're best friends. They play together. They clean each other. I go to bed at night. Samson's on my chest.

Glenn's on my lap. It's a lot of pampering my guy. It feels to me like you're turning these cats into pussies. Ha, p. Woo! Yeah, straight cat strut. I'm a ladies man. There it is.

I'm a feline guessing over. Hey, man, that's at get a shoe thrown at me from a mean old man. I get my dinner from a garbage can. Meow, don't cross my path. There it is. I like that. That's a little Brian Setser, huh? Yeah, little stray cats.

Straight cats. We're talking cats. I got to stray it up, my guy. I love it. I could see, oh, man, I wish you weren't allergic. I think you'd love a cat. They're vertical creatures. I have shelves on my wall.

I lead them around with a laser and a toy. It's like a legends of the hidden temple, but for cats. Can I just say, don't take this as an insult. To just say it, brother. I appreciate all the moves you made to acclimate. the cats and the this and the that and putting a sweater out and you know giving them hay seed oil and giving them a scapula massage all that stuff you did yes aren't they just animals can't you just chuck them together and say guys don't fuck around no hey you can break them up when they're

fighting it sounds like a lot of starbucking going on around here well let me tell you there's a lot of Starbucks around for a reason, pal, because it works. Really? Yeah. You can't just go to cat. Like, what do people do on farms? They got barns. They just throw them together.

Like, it sounds like a lot of, it's a way of like socializing. And you can't just, you know, like, if, okay, how's this? Okay. Yeah. How is this? You live at your house, right? Yeah. Okay.

I hope I do. Some guy just walks in and makes himself at home. How are you going to feel? But. but everything after butt is bullshit buddy come on now i have to let them in no where's your brain you got a cat you're letting them in and just throw them in with the other cat no some guy you don't know comes into your house just makes himself at home what do you think how are you going to feel you're going to feel threatened you're going to feel weird

okay if i come in and i go hey harland this is this is matthew jimma jam he's he's a good guy you're a good guy I think you two should link up I think you have a lot in common wouldn't you be more willing to allow that person to come into your life Hmm

I don't bother chasing my surround I slink down the alley Looking for a fight I howling to the moonlight On a hot summer night Now I'm singing a blues Where the lady cats cry

I'm a stray cat You're a real tough guy. I wish I could be as carefree and wild, but I got cat glass and I got cat style. Rows! That's my answer. I got cat style. I like that. Right? I'm going to listen to stray cats. Dude, I had to stray cat you up, bro. I had to straighten you out, straighten you up. I loved that. Dude, I had to stray you right up real high and tender in the night. Two cats on a wire. Right? What is it when they're hissing?

What the hell is that all about? That's like a, hey, back off, buddy. But where does that, how does, where does that even come from? It's like a snake. Like, why do they do that? Because it's a defense mechanism. Why do people lie? It's a defense mechanism.

We all have these things inside of us that we do to protect ourselves. Self-preservation. Yeah. You know? It's just an odd one. Like I wish maybe- What do you want them to do? Go, pardon me.

Back off. Back off, motherfucker up. Oh. Oh, motherfucker, I'll back off, buddy. I'm not happy with what you just did. Please back away. I want you to be aware that I am not a fan of your behaviors. I'm very discombobulated by your activity.

Please stop it. I insist you cease immediately. I wish we should do that as humans because people go to shrinks. People are afraid to communicate their emotions. What if just when we got pissed, we were like, Oh, I do it. You do? the street. I hiss, I yell. Watch it, pal. Oh, yeah. I was in Denver. Shout out Denver

Comedy Works. Amazing club. Amazing town. Amazing time. They had their parade of trees and lights the other night down the main street to get to the venue. I'm staying two blocks away. It took like 25 minutes to get through all these people. And communication is so important. You got to, you know, you got to talk. Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me. And then they're pushing people through. And I go, hey, you know, we're all getting through this together. You don't got to push people. And we're not push. I go, well, then you're fucking pushing me, pal.

Merry Christmas. And I kept walking. But did you do a physical? Because I think that would have been even better. Because as you said, it conveys the message, right? Yeah. Like instead of, hey, pal, don't push me. Merry Christmas.

You just went, shh. I mean, save the words. Just hiss. Yeah. Dude. Save the words. Just hiss. That's a bumper sticker.

If I've ever heard a one. That's a tramp stamp to me. Let's go. R&D tattoo. Let's go. Tramp stamp it up. New York, right? New York.

So you're a New York guy. Tell me what's a good New York story. That city is so nutty. The things you see just going for a walk. Do you have a top of the heap New York story where you're out walking? You're on the subway. I don't know where you are. but is there one story that just...

I'll tell you one, yeah. Oh, please. I love New York. Because there's so much, there's always something happening there. That's why they go, only in New York. Yeah, yeah. You got one? Yeah.

I bet you have a million, but what's one of your... I got a million. Give me one of your top stories from New York. One that pops out to me is I'm running late one day, and I'm fucking chugging and chucking and running and ripping. Yeah, I love it already. Hey, I'm coming from the subway. Oh, I love it.

I get up on the street and I'm running late. I got 10 blocks of... go. Ten blocks. Holy shit. All of a sudden I see one of these box trucks going down the road, right? It's at a red light. It's got a little, it's got a little metal perch on the back.

They always do. Yeah. You know how it is. Fuck yeah. He's fucking guys. Can't go anywhere without seeing a putt. Yeah. So I'm running.

I got a sick in my mouth, a coffee in my hand. I'm running. And the light turns green and I go, you know what? Fuck it. I fucking hop on the back of that perch. I grab on. I'm riding like a fucking trash man. Jesus Christ.

The trash man can. I just rode it a bunch of blocks to my street. I hop off. The guy sees me. We high five and I make it to my spot. You can't fucking believe it, buddy. Wait a second. You wrote 10 fucking blocks on the back of a perch?

10 fucking blocks back of the perch. I'm waving. I'm saluting. I'm saying, hey, people are loving it. It's New York. Only in New York. I love this. Wait a minute, you're waving, you're saying, hey, you're yelling.

The only thing missing from that thing, you know what it is? What? Hey, New York. Actually, I had another New York story. Don't fucking point of me, pal. This guy, well, I'll fucking point wherever I want. Hey, you'd want to tell a story, you point somewhere else, but don't fucking point of me. This is New York shit.

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I'm not having a good day. I got coffee in my hand and riding my bike. And usually I'm nice on the bicycle because I know people hate bicycle riders. So I try to be nice when I go, because I used to get angry and be like, out of the fucking way. But now I go, hey, bike lane, thank you. Have a good day. And people are like, whoa, because we're hated. So I'm going to be extra nice.

So people think there's good in the bike riders, you know? Fair enough. So this guy's coming at me on a city bike. I go, wrong way, asshole. And then I keep going. down and this guy turned around came up to me and he's like asshole you that's all fuck you i know asshole and i'm like dude what the fuck and he smacks my coffee out of my hand so i just fucking old smoker hawked a loogie right in his face no what do you think of that jack oh yeah

that's like you so i i kept riding he comes back wait just so we're clear you hock to looog you like right in his face that's almost like that's an adobeye you like that's an adobeye you like that's an advanced almost that's like a liquid that that that is a liquid hiss I liquid histam liquid histal and to keep going I got to hear all this ended so then I go and by the way it's the dead of summer I don't have a shirt on and so I got and I got music playing too on my I got a speaker you know and so I'm riding and the guy circles back around takes his camera out and starts filming me and I go you fucking rat bastard you fucking tattletail fuck you I go you want to you want to get He goes, you credit it, you crazy.

I go, you want to get crazy? I'll get fucking crazy. So I took my bike chain out and I started swinging it around. And he puts his phone away and I get back on the bike and all these people are watching. And as I bike off, I go, welcome to New York. I just kept going. Oh, see, I like that story better than the first fucking story. They're both good fucking stories.

What the fuck's the matter with that? I mean, you're talking about riding around on a perch and you're holding back on me. You're swinging a fucking chain. You got a loogie? Why did you put that story first for fuck's sake? So it would make the second story look a lot better. Huh? Fucking genius.

His chest, not checkers, motherfucker. Fucking geniuses, this fucking guy right here. Hey, hey, what can you say? What do you expect when you talk to Jimmy Frangioli, huh? I mean, I'm telling you, man. I would have put the chain story before the punch story, but the way, come on, man. Come on, cheers. Wow.

Only a guy from New York would know to do that. Only a fucking guy from New York. Only in New York. Motherfuckers, I'm going to grab the place where 800 million come from right here. Oh, yeah, that should be on the license plate. New York, the place where 800 million come from. And when I say come from, I do mean come. Let's underline that.

There's something about that. You do acting, right? Yeah, I love acting. There's something about... But I keep not getting anything. You're an actor who doesn't act. I get it. I get it.

I'm like, I get so many auditions and I get nothing. But isn't it something when you... you, when you launch into a voice, the way we did are a character, how it just like, it's like, it takes you over. It just takes you over. Like, I'm actually just, stuff's coming to me. Uh-huh. And now we're talking about the Protheth later than gentlemen. Oh, the pront, the curtain has been pulled back. The Protheth is happening. But when you, when you dip into a character and you just, like, immerse yourself in this fucking guy here, he, he, he just, it's just like, that's the beauty of acting. It just sort of takes over. And, yeah. And the character,

finds you, you don't find it. You know what I'm saying? Oh. Do you know what I'm fucking saying? You're sitting here looking at me like you just melted an ice cream sandwich on your sister's forehead. I'm fucking talking to you here, guy. Yeah, well, I can't help it that I'm sitting here and I'm trying to process what the

fuck you're saying. And at the same time, I'm thinking, oh, God, I got to clean up my sister's forehead, all right? Come me some fucking slack. Fuck you. Let's go to the airfield and watch some helicopter propellers go around. I mean, that's what I'm getting when I look in your fucking eyes, guy. All right, well, then let's end up going to an oil field and start drilling because I'm ready to fucking go right now.

Hey, I got a fucking chain in the back of the limo if you want me to start swinging, uh, Flem face. Oh, yeah? Well, I got a hammer in the back of my rickshaw because I had to end up getting that as a nighttime job because I got fired for my job at the printer shop because I ended up printing out pornographic photos because I don't got Wi-Fi in my house. And cut. Wow. There it is. fuck new york new york wow yeah what is wrong with us a lot it feels good though it does i almost wish we did the whole podcast as those

what are i guess i got i got to be viny who are you jimmy viny and jimmy huh can we maybe just as a treat for the folks through the last part of the podcast is vini and jimmy all the way can we drive it all the way home can we I think we can, motherfucker. Hold on, let me, because I keep going in and out of Boston and fucking New York. Yeah, I got to center myself. And I got a little bit of Australian and me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, mate.

All right, let's roll up the sleeves, mate. Yeah, let me roll up my fucking sleeve over here. All right, yeah, I'm from New York. I don't give a fuck. Oh, there you go. Now you got it. You got that little bit of that gravitas. Yeah, I'm Jimmy Frangioli.

I don't give a fucking fuck. Yeah. I'm the motherfucking fucking one. And I'm Vinnie Vacasi, and I'm not fucking around. When I make a lasagna, I don't make a four layer, I don't make a five layer, I make a 12 layer. And if we don't finish it, I use the extra pieces as a pillow for my head at night. Fuck you. Oh, yeah?

Well, you know, if you ever need someone to get a tune up, I make a mean meatball, and I'll put about 20, 25 of those fucking things in the pillowcase. We'll fucking smack them up. Yeah. And then that, it makes it slushy, and you can put it in a water bottle and drink it. You ever have a meatball in the run? I don't think so, bud. I don't think so. It sounds like fighting what's there, Jimmy, or whatever the fuck your name is.

You know my name is Jimmy, and that's disrespectful that you say you don't know because you do. All right, I do, Jimmy. Maybe I'd like to make peace with you here today. I know we got a long history of being a couple of hot heads, and maybe today I'd like to work. extending olive branch and say, hey, we're both from the same neighborhood. Why we've been fighting all these years, I want to be your friend, is what I'm trying to tell you, Jimmy. Will you accept my friendship? Well, I'm saying to you right now, we've been fighting, and you know who I've been fighting

this whole time? Myself. Oh, Jimmy. And I, I, I, the reason I've been fighting you is because I see in you what I see in me. What's that, Jimmy? I see someone who's just trying to make it in this world. who's got the cards stacked against them, but they still keep playing, you know? I was born, full deck of cards,

and then I got whacked in the head a couple times. A couple cards went missing. I see a full deck in you, and I'm jealous, so I fight you. I go against you, I argue with you. And it's all because I love you. You give me an olive branch. I love olives.

I love you, too, Jimmy. I love you. What do you say? We get a shovel. We bury all this bullshit. And later tonight, just as the fucking sun's going down over the New York skyline, just as the sun dips behind Lady Liberty's arm, I come by your apartment, I pick you up, and old Vinny takes, oh, Jimmy, for a dairy queen, ice cream treat.

Oh, Mar-on. God bless my mother's eyes. I'd love nothing more than as the sun goes down behind Lady Liberty, my expectations go up for the night we're about to have two old enemies turned friends burying the hatchet as you had previously mentioned in the woods with the shovel the metaphorical hatchet after we have the funeral for the hatchet i would love nothing more than to rip a sig over a dairy queen double jimmy can i say something you can say whatever you want, Vinny.

Fuck you. Hey! Fuck you. Hot you. Oh, I'm going to get my fucking chain in me. Fuck you. I'm getting my meatball pill a case. I'm taking you to the cleaners.

Fuck you. I don't even have a chin and fuck you. I don't go to chin, fuck you. Muff and top you. Oh, dude. I smell Oscars. I just want to say, I smell Oscar Meyer. That was delicious.

That was great. I smell Oscar Myers. That was delicious. That felt good. That felt great. Like, that was almost therapeutic. I needed that. I needed it, too.

Really? I didn't know. I needed to be a New York Italian. Yeah. Fuck, thank you, dude. Thank you for this. That was amazing. God.

Wow. Oh, man, Jimmy. That was, that was, you got something here, huh? That felt really good. Yeah, felt great. Like, I just feel like it did an underwater fart bubble at an aquarium and killed an endangered sea turtle. Like, that's how good I feel. How do you feel?

That's a good feel. I feel like I put my nose in the bubble and took it all in. Oh, wow. Feel great. Wow. Yeah. That should be a. new therapy or something that look look at all the stuff we got out just lost weight my

shoulders yeah you know i feel like the weight of the world's off my shoulders the hissing the yelling the italian the new york the conflict the conflict resolution dude i got rid of so many childhood issues just now me too thank you thank you this is incredible wow couldn't be happier Oh, God, we have cigarettes. I need this. Give me a minute. Oh, see me. Nothing like it, man.

Take it in. Take it in. Whoa. Whoa. Is it a record? That's the longest drag I've ever had. That's a drag race, you won. I just crossed the finish line with crab legs and butter.

I had a little bit of lemon. You got yourself a meal. I think, Jimmy, are you ready for words from a wooden shoe? Our final segment, click clock, click clack, that's the sound of the shoe. This is sound the shoe makes. Let's go. Let's go. Here we go.

That really did feel good. I've never done that in my life. That was like 900. I've never been to therapy, but that's all I need. I'm cleansed for men. That's a new form Italian therapy. Italian therapy.

We got a brand that, man. That just felt so good. Like it really did. I'm not even joking. I just feel like I got rid of so much anxiety. Indian. Thank you for that. Next time you come back,

we'll have to find another, like, East Indian. Every time we'll try a different nationality to exercise our TV. Two angry Korean cigarette store owners, just go off. That'll be our regular thing. All right, words from a wooden shoe. Oh, there's only, like, two left in here. Wow.

Yeah, I've got to make some new ones. So how it works, you know from last time. Authentic Dutch clog, words in the wooden shoe, pull one out, see if it inspires a story from your personal journey, from someone you met, from an incident, somewhere in your life. Oh, there's only, oh, there is only two. There's only two. We're right down to the bottom of the shoe.

What do you got, my guy? Birthday. Okay, okay. How serendipitous, my birthday is coming up. When? December 31st. But isn't all of ours? Well, nice try with the big words, serendipitous.

All our birthdays are coming up, you fucking asshole. All of my birthdays, no, I'm not going to do it. I've had enough. Okay, story, birthday story. It's no disrespect. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Take away my special day. This is your time.

Go ahead. Birthday story. I was born. The day I approved, I beat out 800 million. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, look who forgets. Oh, who forgets.

Anyway, take a halt, take a haul. I need a, hold on it. Take a haul. Yeah, there you go. There you go. Take it nice. That's it. My birthday is December 31st.

I'm turning 40. Wow. Happy, pretty happy birthday. Thank you. Okay. That was nice. Yeah. I like it when things are nice.

Anyway, and I guess a birthday story. Yeah. Could be anyone. It doesn't have to be yours, but any from your whole journey, is there one that stands out? You know, I'm excited because every year for my birthday, it's December 31st, which is a celebratory day for everyone in the world. And so I've never felt like I should have a party or I don't want everyone's New Year's Eve. plans to be mine and then it doesn't live up to their expectations but new year's eve i feel like everybody makes these plans they're never good enough and so i've always wanted to have like a thing

and then i feel so much pressure to make it great so i just never have a party i've set things up and then i cancel them because a i'm afraid no one's going to come and b i'm afraid no one's going to have a good time oh but this year me and jordan uh on december 30th sweet sweet sweet jordan We just sold out the live podcast at Comedy Connection, Rhode Island. But then December 31st, two shows stand up, me and her. We're ringing in the new year, December 31st, New Year's Eve, when I turned 40, it's going to be great. And that day, a bunch of friends from Connecticut, Boston, New York, Philly, they're coming up, they're coming to the show, and we're all going to go bowling that day. And I'm very excited.

Beautiful. And it's such a nice way to cap off my. 30s because I feel like my 30s have been my best decade. Oh, wow. Just full of growth, full of excitement, full of many wonderful things. Beautiful. And so I'm very excited for the next chapter in my life. And I think this will be a nice way to send off and start a new. Yeah. And I'm going to say this to you, the best is yet to come, my guy. I like that. And also I'm going to say, as an armchair psychologist, you kind of blocking your own birthdays, no one's going to want to come. nobody this, no one wants to, I'm just going to say, you're one of the nicest guys. People want

to celebrate you. You're a warm, kind person. Thank you, Harley. And let them in. Let the celebration happen. You deserve it. Enjoy it. 40 years. And if this helps you beat 800 million of those other little bastards. So enjoy your 40s. Happy birthday. Oh, that's the best. Thanks, I appreciate it. And I appreciate you. We all do. You bring laughter to people's lives. You bring a lot of joy.

You're a little bit angry when you go New York. But now let's take the time since we're talking about your shows. Tell them where they can see you, what your new year looks like, where they can catch your comedy, your podcast, oh boy. Oh my God, hold on. I forgot to hit the intro music. Now that we're at the end of the show, I think it's appropriate.

We hit the intro music. I love it. And take it away, buddy. Ian Fadantz, get a com comedian, go for it, guy. Hi, everybody. Check out my podcast, Bein Ian with Jordan every Wednesday on YouTube. Patreon.com slash be in Ian pod for bonus episodes of just me and Jordan. Me and Jordan Jensen, my best friend, hilarious comic.

We have a really good time together. Yeah, she's been on the Harland Highway. She's been on here. She's the best. And we have a lot of fun together. I'm on the road every weekend until the end of May. I'm so excited, man. I'm having a blast.

I'm having more fun than ever on stage. Each set's different. I'm having a great time. Come check me out. Punchline. Dot live slash Ian Fightance to get on my mailing list. See when I'm in your town. Ianfinance.com to get my special that's on YouTube, which is called Wild, Happy, and Free.

Wow. I shot it this time last year. Wow. And, yeah, I've just been having a blast, man. Thank you. I appreciate it. You're going into the 40s, like a ride. Rocket Launcher.

Well, I'm going to the 40s like a Rocket Man. Oh, there you go. Hoping it's okay with you, but as a gift to me for my 40th birthday, I was wondering if you could sign my copy of Rocket Band. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah? Oh, I'm honored.

Oh, amazing. One of my favorite movies. One of my favorite movies of all time. Oh, dude, I'm honored. I'm honored. Yes, we will, that'll be my little birthday present to you. Yeah, cool. Happy birthday from all of us at the Holland Highway podcast.

Thank you. And folks, check out Ian's comedy. He just told you where to go. New Year and do it laughing with the Fadance Man over there. That's right. We're going to Fadance into the New Year, my friend. Fadance into the Moonlight. And do you want to do a final hiss before you go?

Three, two, one. That's it, folks. Thank you, Ian. Until next time, everybody, chicken chalmaine, and we'll see you next time on the Holland Highway podcast. Hey, everybody.

How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points,

and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland. Well, ladies and gentlemen, as you know, it's been a very peculiar and interesting time happening right now. we've had we've been inundated with these mysterious drones filling the sky hundreds if not

thousands of them being seen over new jersey over uh new mexico all all over the united states and even in some parts of the world and people are getting anxiety ridden people are getting nervous and scared the there doesn't seem to be much answer coming from the government or the military and leading to speculation that this is some sort of an alien invasion or some kind of an airborne attack from an adversarial country. And since we are getting answers from the media or from the government, we thought it was incumbent on us to possibly help find the answers by reaching out to a man who's an expert in the field of aeronautics, military, weaponry.

None other than our military expert who we consult with from time to time, Colonel, Lieutenant Corporal, Staff Sergeant, Major Tom Doughty, who's based out of Camp Pendlington. He's been in many theaters of war. And without further ado, let's get him on the line here and see if he can help us unravel this mystery of these crazy, ridiculous drones. Are you there, Colonel, Lieutenant, right-wing commander five-star sergeant Navy Seal

Dowdy, sir. Go ahead, civilian. Yes, sir. This is Harland Williams, sir. I'm going to need your codename, effective immediately over. A code name, sir? What is the name you go by in the field? Go ahead, over 57559, whiskey, fox trot, zero Oscar. sir i just i just go by harland williams the host of the harland highway podcast uh hold please sir sir

uh you have been cleared you are a go a go sir a go sir well it's not a briefing sir we're not a briefing sir we're a go civilian please proceed with a briefing. Well, it's not a briefing, sir. We just wanted to reach out because this drone situation that you're hopefully aware of. Oh, I'm well aware of the civilian. There isn't anything on God's green earth that flies over my head, crawls on the ground,

or squirms through my underpants in the middle of the night, and I don't know about it. Sir? I am a trained and decorated military man. I have committed and dedicated most of the adult days of my life to protecting and serving the United States of America, and if the president of the United States has an ass hair out of shape in the middle of the night. An ass hair, sir?

If one of his curly little ass hairs is out of place on his calumari ring, I'm going to know about it. Wow, sir, okay. Well, this is sort of why we reached out to you, because you seem to always know what's going on with these military-themed things that are happening in the world. You can bet your sister's crooked face, her stupid spread-out eyes. and her broken, swollen ankles that make her walk like a crab. Sir, my sister doesn't have broken ankles. Not now, but she will. Sir?

Please proceed with drone inquiry. Yes, sir, absolutely. So, as you know, these multitude of drones, they're filling the night sky, they're various colors and shapes and sizes, and we are just mystified as to what they are. Well, that's to be expected by civilians, or as I call them lay people, or in some cases I just call them full-on retards.

Sir, let's not use that word, please. We understand that maybe the general public isn't as schooled and well-versed in these types of things as you, but please let's not be derogatory towards my listeners. Whipty-do, woppelty-bap, get me some candy floss, put me on the Ferris wheel at the carnival,

and stick my ass to a dark board. Sir, what does that mean? What I'm saying to you, civilian, is it doesn't take Albert F. Einstein to figure out these drones. Well, look, the military, doesn't seem to have an answer. The media doesn't seem to have an answer.

I mean, who's got an answer? I've got the answer, civilian. Oh, I've got the answer. The same way Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys crawled around in the mud and dug up the sweet and sour answers to their stupid mysteries. I've got the answers. And when Nancy Drew wasn't double-banging the Hardy Boys

behind a blueberry bush out in a nutcracker sir out in a nutcracker forest sir are you okay out of a nutcracker forest I'll tell you what I'm solving the mysteries of the sky

because like I told you a crusty blood snot doesn't move in the president's nose without Colonel Tom Dowdy knowing about it sir you seem to know a lot about the president. If he does a water bubble fart in his bath,

I'll be the first to know about it. If he does four or five, I'll be the first to know about it. If he shits out a catfish and it starts swimming around and smashes him in the ball sack, I'll be the first to know about it, civilian. All right, sir, can we just focus on the drones? You seem to know what they are,

as others are speculating, they're coming from China, they're spy satellites, they're spy drones, they're, what's going on? You're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong, that's three wrongs, and that makes you halfway to a Chinese phone book. Three wrongs? That's right, three wrongs. Now, listen here, cabbage face.

wipe the egg roll grease off your chin, slap the freckles off your dirty barnyard-ass cheeks, and sit down and listen. Sir, I don't think we need the aggression. We're on a friendly phone call. Nothing's friendly when the enemies involve, civilian. You zip yourself up in your Walmart sleep bag every night and think you're going to have a sweet sleep

counting sheep and watching clowns go diarrhea on baby's foreheads. Well, that ain't the way the world works. Sir, nobody dreams of clowns going diarrhea on babies' foreheads. Where do you even get that from? What I'm saying is a villain is the world's not ponies, cotton candy, and yellow balloons. Well, then what is it, sir? It's drunk stepfathers punching their children in the face. It's drunk stepmothers duct-taping their children to ceiling fans.

And it's sexually abusive priests, slathering young boys in olive oil, monkey grease, turtle wax, and melted marshmallows, and licking them like a tootsy roll. Sir, if you could... Hold on. Can we stick? Please, sir, to the drones. You call them drones. But I know them as something else, civilian. Why? Because I spent many, many decades in the jungle. I spent seven years in Vietnam

in the Biennian forest, in the Tai Haoee Lagoon, and the Makwao-Haw River system. I've seen just about everything there is to see from Casper the friendly ghost sucking a do-rag up its holy, holy asshole to Jesus of Nathoris walking across a fucking lake filled with Diet 7-Up.

Sir, what did you see in the jungles in Vietnam? I saw what looked a lot like a bunch of drones. And remember the civilian, drone technology was not developed during the 60s and the 70s when Vietnam was thrown at the bachelor party, everybody was getting drunk, and you could count on waking up beside a shaved donkey and have a swollen asshole the size of a Dunkin' Donuts, jelly donut after it's been put in a fucking shaker mill. Sir, what did you see in Vietnam? We saw the lights in the sky.

Oh, did we see them? But guess what? Back then, they weren't groans, my fine little fuck friend. Sir, I'm not a fuck friend. How wide your mouth. Sir? Never mind. But those weren't drones.

Those are what we call. Are you ready for this? Yes, sir. Fudge Sparkleys. Excuse me? Fudge Sparkleys. Fudge Sparkle's, sir? You got it.

Have you ever heard of a Roman candle? A Roman candle, sir. That's when an idiot from Cleveland shoves a firework up his ass, lights it, and marches through the street like Dolly Park and just won a lottery, and gave all the money to a igloo full of retarded Eskimo boys. Sir, can we stop saying the R word? Well, in Vietnam, guess what? They did fudgy sparkles.

What is a fudgy sparkle, sir? That's from the Vietnam soldiers, as we like to call them, the Viet Cong fun bunch. Those boys didn't have the money or the technology, to light the sky up with drones, flares, or anything else. So meaning... So meaning these boys would put Vietnamese firecrackers in their ass crack, bend over, and shoot them in the sky.

Wait a second, sir. You guessed it. Fudge Sparkleys. Fudge, you're telling me that the Vietnam... the Vietnamese soldiers to what illuminate the midnight sky to light up the sky

like Casper the friendly ghost between an underwater fart bubble and a family of salamanders crawls out they would light up the sky so they can see the whites of our eyes shoot us down

knife us down cut our ears off cut our scalps off and if you were really lucky You died in the Vietnamese dirt Before they cut your testicles off And played a round of ping pong in the jungle Sir, that just sounds horrific

What do you think war is civilian War isn't a family of five Sitting a cracker barrel And shoving flapjacks in their mouth Mushroom gravy meatloaf And freshly baked biscuits that are so warm, it feels like it just reached into Barry Manilow's vibrator door after he spent two hours, giving himself a Dutch Hummer.

Sir, Dutch Hummer. Can we stay, are you telling me, sir? That's right. Fudge Sparkleys. Fudge Sparkleys, it doesn't seem like a real thing. You're telling me... The Vietnamese soldiers had more than enough cheap Asian. fireworks. A drone cost millions of dollars. The technology didn't exist. You know how much a Chinese

fireworks cost back in the 60s and the 70s civilian? I do not, sir. About two cents. So you bend over in the middle of the night so that your Kalamari ring is looking up at the big dipper. You stick a Chinese firework in there. You light her up and you start. Shootin' Fudge Sparkleys into the midnight sky, and it's brighter than if Dolly Parton rubbed their tits together and started a nitrous fire. Sir, what is even a nitrous fire? You don't want to know hazelnut cheeks.

Sir, I'm not hazelnut cheeks. So you're telling me that these things that are flying over New Jersey are not even drones? It's what? It's a bunch of board, college students, high school students, and juvenile delinquents. They got nothing better to do with their time because now they know that TikTok's being canceled. So what are they doing? They're going out in the street.

They're not doing their vashaw, Calvin Klein, designer jeans. They're bending down. They're putting it. Chinese firework in their San Andreas fault. They're lightened with a bit lighter, and they're shooting fudgee sparkles into the midnight sky, you cheap, demented Cheeto-sniffing whore. Sir, I'm not a whore.

This is preposterous. These are not ass-fudgis or whatever you're calling them. Well, if you want to live in Dreamland, be my guest. and while you're there? Why don't you say hi to Casper the friendly ghost? Pull down a sheet of drywall and smash it in his stupid bulbous fucking head and see if he does fucking ghost farts all over the floor.

Sir, you're not even tired. Have you been drinking? Maybe I has. And maybe I hasn't. Sir, is there any other possible explanation for the drones? Yeah. What is it, sir?

Your wife. I don't have a wife, sir. That's not what he said down at the YMCA steam room. Yeah, that's right, civilian. I was at the YMCA the other night in the men's change room. I don't like to go into the steam bath, but I did. I went in there and there was more ball sacks, hanging around and there are baby sea turtles running into the sea.

And I'll tell you what, at least 15 or 20 of those oily, old nude men told me that they'd spent the night power ramming and hammersmithing your dirty, stinky barbecue sauce crack smelling wife. Sir, I don't have a wife. She doesn't have a barbecue sauce crack. not what I've heard. Sir, you know what? I think we should run. I think your explanation of the drones

fell a little bit short of what we were hoping. Oh, so now you're the expert. You're sitting there. You're sitting there in your stupid chair. You probably bought it staples with four wheels on it and rolling around your room like an autistic child who just dropped a cork from his medicine bottle. I'll tell you what dip theory of teeth.

Why don't you go buy yourself a trailer hitch? I'll rub it up with Heinz 57 relish and suck on it until your ass starts blowing turtle bubbles. Sir, I'm not blowing turtle bubbles. Get fucked on a USS aircraft carrier by Dolly Parton, Barry Manlow, and Donnie Osmond in a red wig. Fuck off. Sir, I'm not getting fucking.

What that? Good God. What? I feel violated. I'm going to be on it. I ask a simple question. All I want, we all want to know what the drones are. This is ridiculous.

Wow. Wow. Just wow. Hang up. Hang up. I'm done. Idiot. Idiot.

Fungy Sparkle, the help of Fungy Sparkle. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.