The Harland Highway - Jade Catta-Preta gets Spicy, Swallows Earplugs & Switches Sides!

Episode Date: November 4, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Mammoth Grip, Ridge, SelectQuote, and Raycon! -Lift more strain less! https://www.themammothgrip.com/ -Get the right life insurance for YOU, for LESS, and save more than 50% at selectquote.com/harland.com -Upgrade your wallet today! Get 10% Off @Ridge with code [HARLAND] at https://www.Ridge.com/[HARLAND] #Ridgepod - Raycon — Raycon audio products are up to 30% off sitewide! Go to buyraycon.com/HARLANDOPEN to save on Raycon audio products sitewide. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams More Jade Catta-Preta: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jadecattapreta/?hl=en Website: https://jadecattapreta.com/ Tictok:https://www.tiktok.com/@jadecattapreta?lang=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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19 plus Ontario only. Please play responsibly. Concerned by your gambling or that if someone close, you call 1866-3-3-1-2-600 or visit comixonterio.ca. Hi there, Jade. I know it's a bit of a crazy request, but I truly would love the opportunity to purchase your poop if you consider it at all. I could fly to you and hopefully meet up at a coffee shop or wherever it is convenient or pay for shipping and keep it completely free of contact. Let me know if you'd be up for it. I hope it's a flattering, I'll bit strange I know. They want you to do a movement and mail it to them. Uh-huh.

And how much? So I sold it for a hundred, but I feel like that I'm kidding. I wouldn't know. Cracker barrels in Toronto, maybe L.A. Rbe's a dairy queen in the Harlan Highway. Have you seen a photocopic machine on the highway? If you know what to be. Harlan Highway.

I fish now. What do you mean? I almost brought you a salmon. What do you mean? I went to, I did a show in Alaska and I got to go sock-eye salmon fishing. Oh, isn't that the best? It was the best.

Yeah. I brought home like 25 pounds of salmon. Yeah, and what was the biggest one you caught? Eight pounds. Wow. That's pretty big. That's pretty good. I mean, for them, they were like, these are tiny.

I was like, these are way bigger than the rock fish are getting the marina. Yeah, yeah. No, no, it's fun. It's fun. You kind of, you let the, uh, the bait, you have the little anchovy. No bait. What did you? Oh, you just dove in and got it.

No, you're hooking them because they're like swimming up, you know, they're there, do you know about the, do you know about the whole, whole salmon journey? Yeah. They go up to spawn. No, they go up to spawn. Once they spawn. They die.

They die. Yeah. So right after they spawn, they're just like robot fish going up. So you just kind of, you can't, you just get them on the way. You don't really do it. Illegal. It's illegal if you get them on the butt. But if you get them in the mouth, they're yours.

Which is kind of like. So you're just randomly hoping you're dragging a hook to the water and you get it in the mouth. No, there's a rhythm that you have to do. do it so you throw it in and you go one two three whip oh wow one two three whip and i was like really low and they were like you don't have to be so low and i was like i got to get low wow yeah i'll show you some picks and then i took a shot i put a little like shot thing inside one and took it you made the salmon drink no i drank from the salmon out of its mouth yeah wow coho we'll insert the photo

Coho or King? Sock-eye. Sock-eye. They got that hook. Don't they have that hook mouth? No, it's the really intense eyes. But it is kind of fucked up. You know what part sucks?

When you get it out? What? You got to sock them. Yeah, you got to smash them. You got to hit them with a baseball bat. It's on the other side of the net, too, which is crazy. You know what I love about the salmon? So they spend their life in the ocean and they return to the place where they were born.

They swim up the river. they jump up the falls, they go through the rocks, they go past the grizzly bears. It's just wired into their DNA, like as if fish have DNA. Well. And they go up and then they swim up beside the female.

The male does. And the female sort of makes a little indentation into the gravel in the fast-moving river. And then the male comes up beside her. And he like goes like this and he, she squirts out her eggs and he squirts out his, his sperm in the water, there's no insertion. Tonight on the Animal Channel.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, it's a dance. It's just like they lay beside each other. He squirts his milk, which is what it looks like. It's white. It's like a white milk. And her eggs come out and somehow the milk gets on the eggs.

And then the eggs drift to the bottom of the pebbles. And should they survive, not get eaten by all the water creatures. The trouts. The other trouts. the dragonfly larva, the diving birds, the other fish, the crawfish, everything's trying to eat it. And that's how they do it. And I thought, what if humans did that? What if you just walked up to a girl in a singles bar and just like...

It is kind of how heterosexual sex looks like to me. Hold on. I'm not finished. You know, I take a little longer than the average. Are you all right? Yeah, I just hadn't been part of heterosexual sex. a while, so it shocked me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What do you mean? I'm gay now. Yeah, last time you were here, you were into the, you were into the beef. No, I was, I was done with the honky congs. Last time you were here, you were still like looking for man meat. No, I was done with the man meat. Maybe guys with long hair, yeah. I've been dating my girl for like three years.

Yeah, I think that was the last time you were here. I shit. Yeah. When did you shift gears and why? I mean, we all want to, if you don't mind me asking, I don't want to be too. I just started thinking about vaginas all the time. like incessantly. Really? Like you'd be on a bus and... I'd be like, is that a... Poof, vagina.

I wrote a song in it. One of the lyrics is, is that a vagina or is that a girl reading a book? Anything that had any kind of flap? Oh, wow. I was just like vagina. What about at the RV's drive-thru? Yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely.

Roast beef? Anything. I would... Yeah, anything I spotted. I'd see a bird, a plane of vagina. Oh, like a bird would open its wings. Yeah, and I'd be like... And was the beak, the clitoris?

It was more of... abstract than that. It was just more like an essence, but yeah. Wow. What did you, what was your reaction when you saw a revolving door? Oh, I was like, you know, too many vaginas all in one. That's like an orgy type lesbian orgy? It was too much for me almost. Wow. I actually don't like walking through those. It's just too claustrophobic. Give me a door. Yeah. Give me a single door. Yeah, who needs to go around and around. Yeah, just like that. And if you miss your exit, you go around again. You're back out. Yeah. I don't want to be back out. I want to go in. I don't want to go in. I don't want the door telling me what to do.

I tell the door what to do, push or pull, but don't revolve me. Roundabout. And then sometimes you get stuck with a stranger in there. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, not to take it back, but I also do use salmon sperm on my face. That's the thing. I was wondering, you look like a sperm face.

Thanks. Yeah. Is it salmon sperm? It's salmon sperm specifically, yeah. Koreans are gathering all the sperm. What does the sperm on your face do for you outside of giving you that wonderful glow? Collagen. It's supposed to help regrow collagen.

Wow. Yeah. Which sounds close to college girl. Does it? Which is probably, again, once again, leading you back to Flap Country. College Girl. Well, it sounds like if you say it sort of drunkenly, how's your college and girl? How's my whale sperm and my collagen girl?

Also, Flap Country. I'll take two, please. Yeah. Have you ever taken, two, two tickets to Flap Country? Yeah, Flap Town. Here I come. Flap Town. Yeah.

So is Flap Town in Flap Country? It's inside Flap USA. Wow. U.S. Flap. Wow. Flap S. Wow. So hold on.

So, because when I first met you, you were into Super Beef. You were into Stod College. I was into politicians. Like, yeah, you made no secrets about loving the Super Beef. I love super beef. I just, you know, I like souls. And people say you can't fuck souls, but people fuck ghosts, so watch me. Wait, so you found that men were soulless is what you're saying.

Yeah, I couldn't connect to a soul, a man of a soul, a soul of a man. Really? I don't know. I just, like, I just wasn't finding my person, you know? I dated this great guy, he was a stud, he was really smart. Yeah. And it just something wasn't clicking, you know? But I remember when you would talk to me about it, because you were very open about it.

You're what I call spicy. And by the way, I got these if you get too spicy. I should have brought these out at whenever you get too spicy, you get this. I should have said it at Flap Country. I know. Can you say it again? Flap Country. Flap Town, USA.

Flap Town. I'm just letting you know if you get too spicy, you're getting the Cabana Boys, okay? I feel like I've been good. You know what? I'm dating someone who's British, so she's a lot more privet. Oh, she's privy. Which is privates, so I have to be careful. Otherwise, I don't get any punani.

Oh. Yes. And do you get your panani at Panera bread? Yes, Panana USA. Oh, wow. Yes. Wait, so where did you meet a lovely British gal? It's kind of funny because I met her at a meat event, a Wagu beef party.

Hello. Meet you. Hold on. No, it really was like a beef event. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. can we talk earbuds? Hello, Raycon. I don't know what you got on, but I got Raycon.

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Shop now before they're gone. Go to buy raycon.com slash harland open to save on Raycon audio products. sight wide. I don't know what you got on, but I got Racon. You look good. You look tan. I do.

You look healthy. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm modeling. Oh.

Yeah. For what? Bonnebo's socks? For my mirror. Oh. I'd strike a pose, strike a pose. Strike a pose. I do it in front of my mirror.

What's your go-to face when you're feeling hot, for real? I think you're looking at it right now. No, like, when you look in the mirror and you're like... All right, good question. Fair enough. I suck in the cheeks a little. I stick out the chink because I don't have a chin. Same.

We're comics. So I stick it out and I kind of... To try to do emulate that famous Jim Morrison photo or his lips are cut... That is pretty hot, actually. Oh, that's good. Mine's like this. I could be smelling like a tiny bit of poop.

Pooh? Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. So you, to look sexy, you imagine you're sniffing poo. A tiny bit. Just a little chirp? Like you stepped on a tiny bit.

So just for them, not for us. When one does a gigantor, we call it a loaf. Mm-hmm. When I was a kid we called a little one a chirp. Yeah. What do you call a little tiny piece of poop? A turd. Okay.

A tiny turd. Just for them, not for us. Teeny turp. That's what I call it. For them. Okay. So should I go back to my beefy? Yeah, to talk to me about the new, because I'm fascinated that you switch gears from men to women.

It's just humans, you know. I just found a human who happened to be a woman. She's perfect. She really is. But I guess, okay, she's perfect. But I guess what I'm having trouble with, and I'm not judging. I'm just asking because it's not something I could envision. how do you go from a man's physicalness, his intimate parts,

and make that part of your sexuality, and then you liked it and enjoyed it, that was your world, but then just like, how do you shut that switch off and go to something new? Well, you know when you're having like a really good sandwich and you're like, this is great? Yeah. Pick up a sandwich, you chomp on it.

That's great. Yeah. But then sometimes you're just in the mood for some pasta. You just switch gears. put down the sandwich you pick up a fork it's that easy yeah you make it work whatever you got in your mystery box i'll make it work but what was that point in your mind where you just were you're walking down the street and you just went ching you like switched gears no i was always like a little gay like i'd get drunk and be like who wants to make out and my friend's

like jade enough oh yeah you know you got sperm on your face get away smell like salmon smell like potay i don't want to make out with you with cevici yeah is that how you say it savici yeah yeah savici i like it's like savici savici i barely know you so that's fascinating to me because i don't i don't that's never been something that like i've thought about or a thing could happen but that it does is i guess it does you never see a dude and you go no like i there's no like attraction to the that for me but it's easier for women to make the switch i don't know but just to make the full switch like one day you're in the men and the next day you're in it's it's wild i'm not again i'm not

judging it's just fascinating to me yeah i don't know coffee tea i drink at all do you think you could there would ever be a time in your life where you bounced back or when you just went you know what me no likey no flappy no no no no i don't want to i don't want any i don't know i also like light i like living with a woman oh you do yeah Okay, let's talk about life insurance. You may have it, but do you know what you're paying for? Most people pay too much for too little, and if you get it through your job, what if you're laid off?

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That's select quote.com slash harland. Enjoy your life, enjoy your afterlife, enjoy your life before life. Just get life insurance. Select quote. I just love it up here. Yeah, how beautiful it is. Yeah, it's gorgeous, stunning. You're like one of the last people to have made money in Hollywood.

I am. Yeah. How did you know I'd do counterfeit? What? I make my own money. $1,000 bills, baby. What I'm talking about. Yeah.

I went to Brazil. Everything was like a dollar. What do you mean? Yeah, because the dollar is five times less. So like every Uber, $3, $2. Oh, wow. Yeah. Speaking of that, I went to, recently I went to the European Wax Center.

What? And I was like, I need new candles. and I go in and I got a Brazilian. Like a half hour later, I came out with a Brazilian. I should have known you're fucking with me. I walked it up. I was walking like a horseshoe crab for about two weeks. Backwards?

Sideways. Wait, I brought you a little bonbon. Oh, wow. Yeah, bonbon. Bonbo, that's French for candy, right? Yeah. It's a little chocolate thing from Brazil. A little bonbon.

What's in it? What's the ingredients? Because I'm allergic to a lot of things. Hazelnut? Yeah, hazelnut. I'm allergic. No, you can't eat that. It was worth a try.

Thanks, murderer. Listen, if he's ever a dick, you kill him. Give me a bum ball right through the heart. I met a lady who was allergic to the little part of the tomato, the tiny seed of the tomato. Oh, wow. Who was this lady?

I went ziplining one of the couples and he goes, I could kill her any time I want. I was like, ha, ha, ha. Oh, God. Forensic Files face. I know. That would have been a good 1,000 ways to die. Oh, God.

I was on that show. How many times did you do? die. I was in the reenactment. Oh, my God. Are you okay? I made it. I mean, not in Hollywood, but in life.

Can we get back to your lady, though? Okay, so we went to this meat party. Yeah. This Wagyu beef company owns these beautiful houses. Yeah. And they throw these parties where they bring Michelin Star chefs in to cook the meat. And then they bring, like, different celebrities, you know, influencers. And so my best friend was a Michelin Star chef.

She owns a restaurant called Kasama in Chicago. It's incredible. You should go. wait a minute yeah she's a what chef michelin star chef so she cooks tires yeah uh-huh wheels anything you need okay so then she brings me i was my dad was in town i brought my dad wow all my college best friends were there and shantel got invited through a friend who worked for the company okay she's an artist and so she was there and she loves a free meal who doesn't yeah and i saw my dad was talking to her And I thought, and they were speaking Japanese.

And I thought, who's my dad talking to? Who's that hot girl? In Japanese. In Japanese. How does your dad know Japanese? My grandfather was a diplomat. So my dad grew up in Yokohama. And then she lived in Japan for five years, became a famous VJ, visual jockey.

Oh, okay. I thought you said something else. What did you think? No, I just, nothing. Go ahead. And then we're all in a big circle. And she goes, yeah, oh, my God. She's British.

Obviously, you guys can hear the accent. I love the accent you're doing. Yeah. She goes, oh, no one's single. Is anyone, are you single? And I go, well, we should go on a date. And then everyone in the circle was like, oh, waiting to see what she would say.

You said that just blatantly? Yeah, I said, we should go on a date because I was already. I told you spicy. It wasn't that spicy. Oh, to be in front of a whole crowd. Yeah. And my dad. You're hetro.

And then you say, let's go on a date to a girl in front of everyone and your, This is for your dad. Daddy. Yeah, just that. Spicy. Well, it's my show. Okay, you can add D-Wise to anything you want. So, okay, you ask her out on a date.

Yeah. Publicly. And then I said, isn't it fun thinking about all of the places Shannon Tatum had sex here? Because it was his old house. Okay. And she says, who is Sharon Tatum? And I thought, ah, I love her.

She didn't know. So she still doesn't know. She doesn't know who anybody is. Wait, did you know that she was a flag? Like, did you, did you know immediately? She's more like mask presenting. Like, she dresses, like, more boyish. Oh.

So I thought, Dike. Oh, Dike. Yeah. See, now what's the difference? There's Dike and then I've heard the term bull dyke. There's different dyke. Like, there's a spectrum, you know? I'm like a baby dyke.

You are? Yeah, I'm like a little butchie dyke. Like, a dyke dyke dyke is like, you know, like, she'll fix this house. She built this bar, you know? If you're transitioning, are you a Dick Van Dyke? You're just trans at that point. Okay, I'm just asking. I don't know this world.

Yeah, I'm glad to introduce you to it. But wait a minute, tell us what a bull dyke is, because that's a powerful term. You got the word bull and dyke. Those are two kind of, do you want to be labeled that as a woman? Yeah, hell yeah. I like being a dyke. I feel good about it.

Like, look how strong my fingers are. I talk about this all the time. Oh, God, what are you, a sloth? Yeah, look at this. Go climb a tree for me right now. God, Spider-Man. I never thought about it. It is like a clock, like a small cloth.

If you picked your nose, you'd kill yourself. Good Lord. Yeah, I took a dingoberry? Never. I go up there, get them. Wow. Yeah. Good Lord.

Lobster, red lobster over here. And I always had these fingers and I thought, why? And now I know. Wow. But wait, what did tell us? Like, who, hey, who came up with the term? I don't think it's an endearing affectionate. A term.

Bulldike seems almost like an insult, isn't it? No, it just. means like you're at top, you're the daddy, you know? But it's strong. Like the same way people go like, you're a daddy, you're a man, like women still want to feel like the powerful one, you know? But it's like a big male charging mammal, a bull, and then a dyke is like a big groove cut into Mother Earth.

Yeah, I don't, we should look up why, where the word dyke came from. It's very aggressive. It's like if you were a male gay and they called you a bear, a bulldozer volcano. It's a bear. Bear can be like, oh, stuff and such. Like a tiny bear, baby bear. You can be like Winnie the Pooh. Yeah.

Would you mind if I pulled down your pants? Dude, not even in like. I did some fallacio. Okay, you got to do the, you went a little too spicy. Sorry, if this is for me. Yeah, that one's for you. Winnie the Pooh being gay. Yeah, he's too spicy.

Would you mind sticking your carrot. In my honeypot? the glory hole Mr. Rabbit. That's a pretty good poo impression. A little piece of poo? A little tiny turn. Yeah.

So, okay, so are female lesbians, aka vis-a-vis-e-slash bull dykes? Not all. Are they okay with that term? Hell yeah. It's not degrading? I don't think so.

I mean, you got to, you know, like if you're a girl who's super dyke with like short hair, cut off shirt, tattoos, like piercings, like, and someone calls you a dyke and you get offended. It's like, come on, dude. Looks like Larry, the cable guy with Sephora on, like Cap Vondee's Midnight Sunblast or whatever. I like that mix.

I like a chola. Oh, wow. You know what I mean? I want some girl to just wrap me up like a tamale. Oh, wow. And me up like a taco. Oh, God, carnitas. My carnitas.

Get in my carnitas. Get them my carnitas. Yeah. I like a little. Oh, wow. Power slam. Yeah. So if I were to walk up, let's say I identify.

a lesbian woman that looked sort of like Larry the cable guy with a wig. You don't say nothing. So if I went up and said, hey, you don't go dyke. I don't go Bulldike? No. But you just finished telling me it's okay. They like it. I'm a dyke.

And I can. So you can say it. Yeah. Just like you, you know. So if I'm innocently saying, it's like, oh, how are you, Bulldike? Miss Dyke. Like I can't do that. I'm not unless you want to get punched in the face by a bulldike.

Yeah. She'll do one of those. breaks your nose, yeah. Oh, the nose. I thought you're going to say chin and I don't have one, so it would go up to my nose by default. Yeah, your nose would go. Wow.

Yeah. Okay. So it's a, okay, but you're a mini dyke. I'm like a tiny dyke. I feel like I'm a baby daddy. So does that mean that in your relationship with a woman, you mention it, one is sort of plays sort of the male role and one plays the female role, or is it just a dominance submissive thing?

I think it's different every time. We're versed. switches. But because she's more masculine, everybody assumes she's the top, but I'm more of the top. And so that makes me mad because I'll go like, I'm the top. And they're like, aha, now you're not. She's got boy shorts on. And I'm like, no, that's not how it goes, you know? Yeah. How are you the top, though, if you don't have a Johnny Peppercorn? Because I got these little sloth her up. Yeah. You'll sloth her up in the middle of the night. Jesus. Why am I becoming the spicy one? I know. I'm more private now, I guess. I thought these are

He just speaks to you. He's got these little bonbons, you know? Oh, I'm allergic to your bonbo. You are, literally. Wow. He could die. So do you remember the last man you were intimate with? Yeah.

I don't want to say the... Your dad. My dad's 96. Yeah, that's why I switched. I don't want to know, but I do want to know. How was my dad? He walked out to me, he goes, Bulldike, and I was going to punch him in the face, but I sucked him off instead.

Sorry. You're right. Dad, this is for you. Wherever you are, if you're listening. He's at my house, dude. He moved. Good Lord. I wish now I'm, I've never wanted to be adopted.

Suddenly right now I wish it was adopted. Now you're my mom. Yeah. This house belongs to me. Whoa. The studio. Firefox is on fire. Yeah, no.

I, yeah, of course. I mean, no, the last. The last guy was an incredible guy, but I started to go, like, I want to be just like you for another girl. Did he make sense? Yeah, sort of explain deeper. I get it. They don't. Because I thought, oh, my God, I'm always looking for this perfect guy, right?

He's like a gentleman, he's smart, has his own life, has his own finances in order. But we knew each other. Yeah, comics are a no zone unless it's. Who's a comic? I'm a professional podcaster, Honeybuns. Oh, yeah, I should have. Really, I should have. I could have, but I did it.

No, I'm kidding. We've been friends for how long? I've known you for, I would say, at least six years. Longer. I think seven or eight, I'd say. I'll take eight. It's a good number. I'll take eight.

So did the last guy you were with, did he have an inkling that this new road you were going down was coming? He did. I told him. While you were dating him? I said, I really want to be with women. He said, I'll be there. I'll be there. I'll film it.

And I said, no, this is a journey I need to take on my own. Well, see, to me, that would be, that would be, it would be a bit crushing. Yeah. And it would also, I'm just being honest with you, because that's how we are. It would be an affront to my masculinity. I would feel like mortified that you would go with another gender than rather be with Mua. Like, that would be tough for, that would be a tough cake for Papa to eat.

No, I think it's better than to be like, I want to be, I don't want to be with you. I want to be with a different dude. That would be hard. That'd be hard. I'm like, I don't even want your species. Do you know what I mean? It's not about you. It's about like a whole other thing.

But I would take it as I'm so bad you went all the way into another gender. That's how horrible I was. No, no, don't be so hard on yourself. It wasn't you. But, okay, so how did he take it? Hard, obviously. We were in a relationship for a few years. So it was a difficult breakup.

It was a breakup like any other breakup. It sucked. But what was his commentary about you switching gears? Like, did he at any point go, am I that bad and bad that you would go to another gender? He wasn't. It wasn't about that at all. It was just me feeling like I needed to explore that part of my sexuality so much that

I was like losing sleep. And was he compassionate about it? Yes, he was incredible. He's an incredible dude. That's great. That's very nice. I'm very lucky. And also like it's honestly the reason why I am who I am is because of him.

Because I was like, I need to find someone who like really loves me. And then I found that guy and it wasn't enough. and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, something else is a skew. Something deeper and flappier. Yeah, something flappier and softer. Just a little one. I'm talking about lips, like not South Mouth.

Little one. South Mouth is funny. I didn't write that. I wish it did. Every time you say it, there's a little one. Did he, he must have loved you too. Yeah, of course. Did he go, did he fight for you?

Did he go, wait, baby, maybe this is just a fleeting thing. Maybe we should, I don't want to get grab, but maybe to save what he had with you, do can we bring another girl into the room and just do that one night? Maybe that quashes it. Like, if you were in love, how could he, did he fight to keep you? Of course, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he would walk around with his dick tucked in.

How about this? I'm kidding. Big one, real big one. When you do the Bermuda Triangle dick tuckin thing, That's about a 20-seconder. I want to wear your skin. No, he, we had a few, we had a couple breakups before the official one. Okay.

So that probably made it easier. It sucked. It wasn't easy for me either. It sucked. No breakup is like sick, you know. Okay, so was she the fulcrum for the breakup or did you break up with him and then you met her? Oh, yeah.

I broke up. I had been broken up with him for a bit and then I met her. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So he didn't, he wasn't there when you were like, baby, I got. Bad news. I'm going with her. It was already over. Yeah. Okay. That's, well, that's good at least. Yeah. But I was, I was, you know, I was, I was already, my thought process was already kind of there, you know.

Okay. Angel Heart. Yeah. When you made the leap or the skip or the prance, whatever you do when one, when one goes over to the other. Yeah. What was the biggest slap in the face, the biggest bucket of cold water? Now you're waking up with a a woman instead of a man, was there an alarming difference or maybe not only, but just a big where you just went, wow, this is different? Or was it just sort of like, hey, as you said, this is just another human body, another human soul? I, the biggest difference is that she's British. That's the biggest difference. Yeah, because I'm Brazilian. I want to be like touchy

and she's very private. Oh, I see what you mean. You know, so I'm the first person, yeah, she ever held hands with in public. I'm like, that's a, I'm like, that's a given. Yeah. If you're not slopping around with me, what are we doing? Oh, wow. I'm very PDA. I like PDA. What's that?

You like dispel? Public dismay of affection. Affection. Yeah. To what extent, though? Like, are you like just a little kiss on the cheek? Are you like all over your girl? I'm like, I'm as much as you let me be.

Really? Yeah, I just like it. I think it's a Brazilian thing. Brazilian people don't care about stuff like that. You kiss everybody. I just want to remind you, I have a Brazilian so if you could not, I know it's sensitive. I'm wearing the shirt.

I just... I'm trying to get more Brazil work. I just had one a few weeks ago. I went to get some new candles and I was at a strip mall and I saw the European Wax Center and I came out and now I have a landing strip coming in. On your butthole or in the top? You set this up.

Listen, did you get your butt wax as well? That's the part that feels good. I'm going to let this do the answering. That's the part that feels good. I'm lasered. I've really invested. I've already told you this. We've talked about this. Anything else you need to say before we move on? I have a bush right now. I feel like we're getting into rattlesnake country over here.

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Would you ever see a world where I switched gears? To a dude? Like, you look at me, you look at this slab of raw beef. You look at this Wagyu. Yeah. You look at this Arby's Meat Flap sitting here. Excuse me. Oh.

I did that to myself. That's true. Would you picture wild boy meat man climbing down, uh, T-Bone Steak Mountain and getting with, uh... I could see you get with like a little skinny Filipino, like a little beach boy. What? Yeah. Like a cabana boy? Like I could picture us hanging out your house and he comes out.

He's like, Harlan, it's time to go in. Really? See, I can't. I just, I don't. I can't. A little lady boy. No. Can you say that?

Lady boy, those are the ones from Taiwan or Bangkok or whatever. Yeah. No, I really, I honestly can't. I picture you with like a good old lady. Yeah, thank you. Me too. Yeah, that's how I say. God bless everyone else for what they do.

And that's what God wants. I've just never been attracted to the other side. Yeah, I've always just been like honestly, like I meet people sometimes. I'm like, what is this? What are you? What is this? I like it's an energy thing. Like if I meet somebody, I don't know what they're.

sex is, I don't care. I'm like, ugh. Yeah. You know? When you see a rainbow now, what is, like in the sky, not in the street, like a natural rainbow caused by condensation, vapor, moisture, clouds, humidity, humidity, yeah, like that kind of rainbow, not like marching down Santa Monica Boulevard and black chaps rainbow. What do you do?

I'm proud to be a lesbian where at least I know I'm free. Don't you think of that? Put your salmon jizz. No. Wow. And I put my fist up. Speaking of femininity and masculinity and masculinity. I'm a little embarrassed.

I'm hoping your suave enough to notice today. What? What? Accidentally dead. Botox. Because you do look younger than last time I saw you. Let's think wardrobe. What?

Is your shirt tighter? Why is it tighter? Because you're more muscular. No. What? Did you shrink it? No. What happened?

Are you wearing something under? I accidentally bought a girl's shirt. Is it really a girl's shirt? It is a cut. The shoulders are way up here. It works. It looks like a little muscle teeth. Yeah, I loved it because it's an owl saying,

Whom. Whom. It's like a Shakespearean owl almost. Oh, my God, I love it. And I just saw it, and I didn't think. And I plucked it with, I bought a couple other t-shirts, and I got home, and I went, my God. It's tiny.

I bought a woman's shirt. How dare I? How could I? Why would I? But I couldn't waste the who. No, that's really good. So I'm wearing a girl's shirt. Fuck it, man.

I'm wearing boy underwear. No way. Yeah. What kind? A little boxers. Oh, boxers. Oh, box. Does it say Burger King Home of the Whopper on the front?

It does. I got one, mine's a Pillsbury dough boy and it says, don't mind the yeast. Yeah. I'm so sorry about this. One of the first jokes we ever wrote was like, there was an owl up there and all the mice are like, who put this owl up here? Who, who? Who put what?

This owl up here. You know, those fake owls that they put. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The security owls. Yeah. And these mice would go. up there and they know it's a fake one.

They go, who put these owls up here? Oh, wow. Who wrote this joke? That was yours? Yeah. Well, you know, I'm kind of in and out of comedy. Now I do music. What do you mean?

I've been doing music. But your whole thing has been stand-up comedy. I know. I let go my agents a couple years ago. I can't get booked anymore on the road. Are you serious? Yeah. We did a gig like two years ago up, but remember Lake Tahoe.

Do I remember? I got really sick. Yeah, I got really sick. You were sick. And I was like, I was like, Jade. Stand by Because I might not make it through the set And I remember I actually went up

And had really good sets But I was fun I warned you, I said Be ready to run back on And you were there, okay, I've got you man And Mikey Winfield Yeah Yeah, I can't

I don't, you know The state of comedy is a bizarre world right now It's like a multi-universe But it's hard to get booked As a female for a whole weekend now at clubs Is that right? Like if you look through the clubs You know sometimes I'll go look to say like

Oh somebody I can feature for And yeah It's all one-nighters for us for us light ace. Oh, wow. Which, whatever. You know, being on the road really burnt me out.

I needed a little break. So I took a couple of years off and now I'm back, baby, and I'm doing music and I really love it. But you're doing acting too, right? I'm trying to get more, I would love to get back on TV.

It's very difficult right now. I would love you to get back on TV. I lost my health insurance yesterday. Oh, God. I'm shooting a Mucinex commercial next week. Shut the fuck up. Do you have snop bags? Yes.

You're in. Thanks. Oh, we can flush Your snob bags. Oh, my God. I've been, I knew this would come in handy being, like, kind of Jewish. I'm just allergic to everything.

You're not Jewish. No, by personality. Maybe cut that out. I don't know if you Jewish people are going to like that. Jewish people love Brazilians. I've got one right now. Do you follow, I don't know if you've ever been to Cannes. Of course.

Have you been to the Cannes film festival? I haven't, not y'at. So have you seen now, there's this thing they got going now, Where with these movies, they give these standing ovations that last 12, 15, 25. They're just making them longer and longer. Why? Can you say pretentious? Also, you can't even wear tennis shoes to that.

As a woman, you have to wear heels. And you're not really supposed to wear pants. They kind of frown upon it. In cons? And cons. You can't wear pawns. I wonder if crows and cons go, Cod! Cots! Cot! Cot! Cot!

I wonder if they're that pretentious. It's so, like, what movies are doing that well? What movie? Like, The Rock just did that movie. He's got this movie about where he plays a wrestler. And people were going... And there was a thing on TikTok where they gave him, like, a 20-minute standing ovation. I won't stand in line of McDonald's for more than two minutes if the fries aren't ready. No lines. No lines. I'm not into line. If there's a line, I'm not going.

I'm not going. I'm not V-I'm not. I was going to say VMP. What is that? Well, VMP. I don't know. Very, let's see. VMP.

Very memm people. What does the V stand for? Very. Very. Magnificent people. Oh, I was going to say manipulative. Oh, what? Are you okay?

I wanted to show this side of my face a little. Oh, God, I love it. Yeah. Is that salmon on there? Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. Yeah. I did a photo shoot today.

Yes, I'm just crunching my hair a little bit, getting a little texture in. Fruked us. Thanks. Fruked you. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand and clap for, I'd be like after four minutes, I'd be like. Yeah. Did you see that one where the camera guy was getting really too close to the actors?

No, what happened? They're clapping. They're doing their 12-minute clap, and the guy's like just this close. And the actors are like, like, still trying to keep the smile. And it's just some sweaty, fucking gross camera guy. Oh, God. You know? Herpes my ginty.

Yeah. But okay, let's say now, cut to you're not the doorknob, like, clapping for half an hour. Now you're the actor. Yeah. You ever seen a cat when you laugh at them and they kind of, they look, they don't know where to look or dogs. If you laugh at them, they kind of. Oh, you can't say dogs smell. They'll hear it.

They'll be like, yeah, they give you that face. If people are clapping at for 20, and I'm standing right there, I'd be like, Oh, I would love it. This should have ended like 20 minutes ago. Like, what do you do while you're just standing there? I couldn't. I'd feel I'd be so. You need it.

I need a validation. You are gorgeous. You might be the most gorgeous person I've ever seen in my life. Oh, my God. I don't know what to do with myself. You're a stunner. Thanks. Have you ever heard a 10 out of a 10?

You're a 20 out of 10. You should see me in Brazil. I'm like a 2 out of 10. You should see my Brazilian at two in the morning. Two out of ten? You really should have got on the butt done. It's the most fun part. Wait, talk to me about that.

I don't know what you mean. When you get the butt waxed. Oh, God, here we go. This is not a topic I wanted to get into, but here we go. Let's hear it. When you get the butt hole waxed. Why would you get it wax? Women don't have hair on their arsehole, do they?

Yeah, you just don't know because they remove it before you go. get there what you think you don't think of forest grows in every part of land but it's not on a girl oh oh oh whoa whoa did you just have a milky way seizure yeah because what are you talking about hair grows on all parts of girls that looked like a clip out of the last christmas i gave you my heart wham video which oh oh oh oh last christmas i gave you my heart oh oh oh cut that part out make sure he cuts it Wait, women, do they get like a lot of hair on there? Yeah, sometimes you get nipple hair. Sometimes you get hair on your toes.

See, you're the problem. Yeah. Men are the problem. I said it. I'll say it again. Men are the problem. What is the problem we are? Because you're going, ugh, but you can have hair in all different,

you can have hair coming out of your fucking ear. But wait, some women maybe have the hairy O ring, but to all women? Yes. I've never met a woman that's like, no hair grows on my butthole. Oh. God, where have I been? Yeah. Planet hairless?

Yeah. College girls. God. You got to find yourself a hairy woman, dude. You don't know what you're missing. God. More friction. Oh, God.

So you're not traveling as much, and I'm sorry to hear that. Like, I hope that. Do you want it to pick back up? I do. I'm trying to book a tour like January through. March. Okay. Reaching out to some secondary clubs to see if they'll take me.

Oh, good. You know, I did take a little bit of a, I would say a little bit of a sabbatical to get my stuff together. Okay. My Facebook got hacked, was getting that in order. What? I let go of my agents. Just trying to figure out what my next chapter is.

Fresh start. But, you know. When you were traveling, when you were flying a lot, when one does, when one is a mega entertainer the way we are. All the time on the road. What was the weirdest, if you can remember, when you sat down in an airplane seat, was there one of the weirdest things, someone beside you? Was there ever a story that stood out where someone was just a nut or did something that was bizarre or weird? Well, I'll tell you what bothers me the most.

Okay. Barefoot. No. Barefoot on a plane? They did that beside you? Beside me. Okay. And they're like touching their feet.

Oh, yeah. You know, like cleaning lint from in between. Don't do this. I had someone put their foot, like, here's my seat, and all of a sudden a foot came in beside a bare foot. And I just went, oh, no, I just turned around. I guess, excuse me, they go, what? I go, do you want me to do that to you?

And they're like, no. And I'm like, then, and they got rid of it. I can't do it. And then, you know, this is a small peep, not really a big deal. Close your fucking window. Oh, you don't like that. Ooh, you wouldn't like me. The whole plane is dark.

And I'm trying to work. It's the only place I can write is the plane. Yeah. So, like, I love being on a plane. I have to focus. I'm writing a book. So I've been, like, writing this book. I only write it when I'm on the plane.

So I'm writing this book I'm all into it. And there's just one fucking thing of light, just shining into my eye, blinding me. That's me. That's you. I'm the guy. I like, I like to look out. You can look out for a little, but then the whole time. When am I ever going to be at 40,000 feet?

Every weekend. I'm at the mall. I'm on, I'm hiking a trail. I'm at the R.B.'s drive-thru. I'm going to be at 40,000 feet. I want to look down. A little you can't. Coming up, okay, okay, we're nervous.

You can come up. You see the view. But then it's just clouds. It's just nothing. It's just empty. It's just an empty hole. Hairless. I like to look down on all the places I've never been, which is weird.

When you're making it sound cute, like, but you know what? I still want to fucking kill those people. I can't. It's just so annoying to me. I'm like, and then they can tell that there are one light is, shiny like right or right sometimes they'll shut it just enough so it's just a perfect beam of like heat right in my eye why did you have a weird plane story oh god i had one where i was going to a friend's wedding this was years ago and the seat beside me i was up in first class and the seat beside me

was empty and they moved someone up bullshit and it was this fairly attractive like older woman like not senior, but I'd say she was probably in her late 30s. That's not older woman? Early 40s, maybe. Like, I mean, it wasn't a kid. It wasn't a teenager. Yeah. And she was attractive, you know, blonde hair.

And she sat down beside me and I'm just sitting there. And then slowly but surely she sort of started chatting a little bit. Yeah. And suddenly she started getting a little more like real, like it was just surface talk. And then suddenly it went from how's the weather. to so what are you into and i went watch she goes what do you like i go what do you mean what i mean she's like what do you like in the bedroom what do you like no i went what the fuck excuse me and before i could even answer her phone comes out pulls it out opens start showing a video of her spread

eagle masturbating rate to me she goes where do you live i think i can come to you i have some girlfriend and I'm like was she an escort no she was so here's the kicker no she was not an escrow teacher so she's sitting there and we're talking and I'm like okay and she goes yeah I'm so happy they moved me up here my husband's piss stop so her husband I she goes I turn around and there's her husband like six rows back and I'm just like lady and then you know you have the crack in the seat yeah between the two seats I'm pretty sure the people behind were watching her jerk show and I'm just like what like I so I just pretended to go to sleep it was the most bizarre thing so fucking weird weird yeah like to just pull that out that's harassment that's sexual harassment because if a guy did that to a girl yeah it would be like what the fuck is this so like it's the same I didn't think of it like that but it was so like unnerving and shocking but I was like holy crap yeah I had a similar thing happened not on a plane where it was like this old agent that I fired I was hanging out with it him and some woman was like someone was like like showing me pictures of herself naked at this

dinner and I'm like oh like I didn't know what to do yeah and then she's like I'll send it to you what's your number and I'm like oh so I give her my number and then for weeks for days she's just sending me nudes of herself like I wasn't interested at all wait a minute I thought you were interested love a naked picture not gonna lie this was a long time ago this was before you switch gears yeah I was single at the time this is before you were into women no I I was already, I've always been by. Okay. Yeah.

So like, she's sending me this stuff and I just thought it was like such a harassment. Like I didn't ask for it. Like I never, but I was just being polite instead of being like, hey, don't do that. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday. It's your anniversary. It's your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic.

You want me to discuss. give me some talking points and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one.

Your very own personalized Harland. I have a little teenage hair, you know, that pops up. Yeah. Yeah, it is? Like alfalfa. Yeah. You're sort of like you have alfalfa from the little rascal's hair. I love that you're rough.

Well, are you saying that there's a piece of hair popping out over your forehead? Is it? I don't see it. Okay. Sometimes it popped. Like, I have one that's, like, not as long as the others, you know? Yeah. I had alopecia.

Do what that is? Isn't that a skin condition? It's a stress-induced hair loss. Oh, you have that? That's what Jada Pinkett Jones or whatever the name was. What was her name? Jada Pinkett Smith. Jada Pinkett Smith had alopecia.

Yeah. And Chris Rock got slapped in the face because of it. Remember? Yeah. wait you don't look like you have alopecia i just get little like right here it looked like somebody put their finger there and then remove their finger no hair was under i just had like a tiny little hole i don't see it it grew back it's growing back i had to get a shot a cortisone shot oh my god i know the only place that hair grows for me is my butthole folks we're trying here today

I got everything else lasered, so I just keep a little butt bush. Wait, why don't you, and this is just economics, why not take the starfish hair and have it transplanted to their asshole head? It's too thick and wiry. It won't match the rest of my gorgeous hair. It's that thick and wiry? Yeah, it's wild. It's run and stumpy. Oh, okay.

It's like, you know, when you close up, and it's like, eh. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. You did this thing earlier where you did an old joke. Remember? Earlier you did one of your jokes.

You said it was one you don't do anymore. It went to die. Yeah. I do this thing now. It's a feature where we put on the comedy mask of death. And we all have these great jokes that at one time were A-list jokes. But we had to move on from them and leave. It's like, imagine if Springsteen.

never sang born in the USA again. But he does. They always do the hits. But comedians, we leave killer jokes behind that we never tell again. And so I'm bringing back the mask of comedy death

so that we can tell one of our killer jokes that we don't tell anymore. Okay, mine's not killer. I just don't tell it anymore. Okay, but it was a joke that you did that people liked. Okay, I'll tell you.

You want to go first? I'll do it first. You go first and tell your joke. Here we go. Who's been in this mask? Just Francisco. Francisco Ramos. Oh, here we go.

He was like, I used to sell oranges. That looks good on you. I feel like this is kind of my natural face. Yeah. Forget the salmon sperm. Hello, bone yard face. Yeah. You got to kind of over-acentuate your jaw.

This is good. I like this. This feels right. Yeah. Smells right. too. Look at her. Everything's an Instagram nowadays. Listen, that's for my only fans. Okay. All right. Okay, here we go. Yeah, here's

a joke from the comedy graveyard. This is one of my first jokes I ever wrote. Back in 1972. Wait, move. You got over, over speak. So there you go. Ah! Yeah. Okay, so, you know, there's Coke heads out there. Okay. And if they do too much Coke, they lose the little part of their nose. Okay. There's one huge nose hole.

Okay. I thought about this. If slutty girls have too much sex, their butt and their vagina just become one big hole. Like a pig troth. Joker mouth pig troth. And then at night it snores like, and then he's like, honey.

And she's like, you did this to me. Whereas I thought there'd be like claps or something. Oh. Yeah. Thank you so much. Excellent. I guess it's good that I retired it. Yeah, but that's the beauty.

Okay, my turn. Okay, your turn. Let's see. Don't do the same joke. No, I won't do the same joke. Let's see. Retired. You're going to have to do this a lot.

Yeah. Hang on, let me fix my wig. That's hard. There we go. That's good. Okay. So I'm trying to change my diet, and my doctor said, uh, eat all the eggs you want, but just eat the white part.

And I got to tell you, those shells are cutting the hell out of my gums. You know, it's funny because I was thinking of a brown egg when he first said it. I had to switch it up. Oh, geez. I had to switch it up. Well, we got rid of two old jokes. Oh, man, I do want to get back on the road. You know, I hated it for a bit, and now I kind of miss it a little bit.

Once you do stand-up comedy, it's in your blood till the day you die. I think I will stop when I'm just physically, like, I don't necessarily want to be old guy up there doing it like George Burns or even if I could still do it. I don't know that I want to be seen as like a senior citizen doing it. Right. I don't know. I forgot who told me. I was with Nealyn and he was like,

He ran at somebody, some road guy, and he was like, how long have you been doing sound him? The guy was like 60-something years. Wow. And, you know, at that time, Kevin had already been doing it for like 45 years or something like that. Yeah. Yeah.

But, hey, if you have a weird gig, take me out. Yeah. Take her out, folks. Take her out to the ballpark. Oh, okay. Yeah. If you did a weird one, I'll come with you. Let's go back to Tahoe, baby.

Oh, my God. I'll never go back to that. I know. That little, that little. That little room they put you in under the chalet. You got a nice room. You got the little castle room. You moved like four miles down the road, remember?

My room was no joke haunted. Yeah. The TV turned on in the middle of the night, like static. I pulled it out from the plug, still kept playing. Come on. So then in the middle of the night, my friends were staying in the area, came and got me and put me in their hotel room. And then Mikey Winfield was like, nothing's wrong with the room is the best,

like, because he's so positive. Wow. My dog was with me. She died. In the room? Two months ago. Oh, no, I remember that dog. Cheryl.

Yeah, what was it? A little dog, right? How did it die? Cancer. Liver cancer. Oh, God. Yeah, she drank a lot. Oh, what was her drink?

Tequila. Oh. Yeah, she actually never liked Mexican men. For real. Like, no jokes aside. Wow. Yeah, she hated Mexican men. And I was like, do you just hate yourself?

Whoa, yeah. Why did she hate Mexican men? I think that's who hurt her. Right. You know, some guy picked her. Oh, was it a rescue dog? Oh, yeah. So I think she had a thing with Mexican dudes.

So sloery. Thanks. It was the worst. And now I got to put my drugs in my own butt. Do you want to do it? Rest in peace, Cheryl. You do it. Yeah, you do this one.

That's her now. They're taking her to the hospital. Wow. I hear it. Yeah. You grab your cantinas. Thanks. What are these called anyways?

Cantinas? No. No, they're shakers. Shakers, but isn't there contestas or something? There's some kind of Mexican names to it. What's the word for these, Amber? You think Amber is going to know? Chicadas.

She's actually Mexican? Are you Mexican? What are they, Amber? Maracas. Barra. That's where Amber came from. Her dad's white and her mother's Mexican. Amber is very white name.

Yeah. Do they say like, Amber? Yeah. Shut up and podcast, all right? Shut the fuck up. Both of you shut up and podcast. Dear Jobs, clowns, you tap their one night away. I'm here to help.

I'm not here to carry your asses. Just shut up and podcast. No, but you know what? For real, as Road Talk, you've got to step away sometimes. Yeah. Because it is a lot what we do. We give a lot of ourselves. Yeah.

Like I remember when I would do seven shows. Oh, yeah. On Sunday nights, I would just be like, I just had nothing left inside of me. That's the equivalent of like a 20-minute con's clap. You know, and then you go, did I tell this joke already? Like in the middle of your saying, you're like, what have I said? What have I not said? That's the worst.

You're just like delirium. And then sometimes they make you do three shows in a night and you're just like, I've never done that. Oh, try that one. Did I do this joke yet? that I, like, I stopped. There was a time when they wanted to do three a night, and I was like, I don't even know if I've said these jokes yet.

I can't even do one, two of shows in a row now anymore. I've really burnt out. I also respect myself more mentally now. We all respect you more now. Thanks, yeah, I feel that way. But less people take me on the road now. It's interesting. You notice, you know, when you're hot shit, you've got a billboard,

everyone's trying to suck your cock, and then, sorry, you know what I mean, figuratively. and then no more billboard this one's almost like an exorcism actually you live on the beach with your lesbian girlfriend and now nobody follows you on instagram anymore what are you going to do i'm waiting for you to say something dirty what are you going to do nothing you're just going to suck and fuck your way back into hollywood no god suck and fuck your way isn't that a new burger stand right across the street from in and out yeah did you get that burger at Suck and Fuck?

No, in and out. I get my burger at In-N-N-N-Out. I get my dessert at Suck and Fuck and then I end the night at Taco Bell. Jello, Uncle, Pepper. Forget how much I liked you. Speaking of products, I have to do a little plug here. Oh, fun. One of our sponsors is Mammoth Grip.

It's a, have you ever seen this before? I've been looking. I'm like, what is that? So this is called Mammoth Grip, and what it is? These guys invented this thing, and when you go shopping, you know, and you've got those crazy koala fingers. So what you do is you put your bags all in here, and then suddenly you can put like 20 bags and carry it all in one hand.

Yeah, capitalism, baby. So this is one of our sponsors. Let me get a grip. I want to put my hand in it. Put your hand in the mammoth grip. it is pretty great right it's lightweight and made in the USA right the only place where I buy my shit yeah I'm just kidding they're not paying me so I won't do yeah yeah it's great product if you like to shop or shoplift if you like to you can't shoplift with this but you are you're

shoplifting because you're putting your shopping and lifting it oh so you're technically yeah I feel like this would be good Christmas time you're going out there you're gonna go Black Friday, not without this. For someone who doesn't want to endorse it, you're doing better than me. I'm good at copywriting, hire me. Wow, maybe, hey, Mammoth Crip, take her on the road. Mammoth Crip. Take, hey, Mammoth Grip, take Salmon Face on the road.

Should I change my name to Salmon Face? I think that should be, you said you're writing a book. I think it should be called Salmon Face and Bull Dikes. I have a title, do you want to know it? What is it? Then I saw a bird eat another bird. Oh. That's the title of my book.

Yeah. And therefore eventually would the bird shit a bird? The bird eventually should have, yeah. And then that bird pooped on somebody and they're like, oh, it's lucky, but they didn't even know that it was another bird. It was three birds, technically. It was a, it was, what are they called? What are the beach ones called? Seagulls.

Oh my God, seagulls. What are the beach ones called? A bird, I saw a seagull eat a, I'm forgetting all the birds. You saw a blue heron. No, I saw a Seagull eat a pigeon. Oh, God. In London. Oh, well, that's where you want to see that.

Yeah, it was pretty cool. I was actually just at Buckingham Palace. My girlfriend won an award from the king. What was the award? For her contributions to art and philanthropy. For those that don't know, and I know what it is, what is philanthropy. It's a big word. It sounds Greek or Latin.

I know what it is, but they don't. Do you? I do. Listen, for you guys out there, not for Harlan. Yeah. It's basically like how much you give back to your community. It's for volunteering, volunteering in your time, volunteering art, contributing to, you know, programs where people go for free.

You know, like it's nonprofits. It's basically a... Sounds really long-winded, sort of. I feel like philanthropy is a long word already. It's long. Yeah. No, it's for her contributions in the art and for how much she's given to the world of art.

Okay, good for her. Thanks. Sounds like you're falling in love with her. I'm in love. Wow. She took me inside Buckingham Palace. It's very cool. And you know what?

The day before I had swallowed an earplug by accident. And we're like inside Buckingham Palace meeting all these incredible people. I said, what do you do? And he said, this guy said, I run the Olympics. I go, oh, you ran in the Olympics? He goes, no, I run the Olympics. And then I said, I ate an earplug yesterday. How do you, and this is scientific now, how do you poop out a plug?

I just, it came out the day before I was constipated. I was hoping it would come out in Buckingham Palace. But it's a plug. How do you poop out a plug out of a hole? A plug belongs in a hole. How do you get it out? It just came out. And so you pooped in Buckingham Palace.

You pooped a plug. I didn't poop there. I was constipated. because I had just done it like the day before and it takes a few days to come out. It was when it was a loop. That's got to be the first poop you ever did when it came out. It went. No.

I was looking. I was hoping I'd see it. Girl, one thing I know. I'm not a scientist, but when you should applaud, it sounds like this. No, it sounds like drag queens like, you know? So it didn't go. No, but it was like the best poop boy ever. had yeah yeah why because it's just i was conspated for like two days because it was working itself

through my system what are those little ear plugs you know the loops yeah a really good one the silicone ones oh my god yeah because i was a little high i was in bed like the poops yeah and then i thought oh my night pills my vitamins oh no so i took them out and i put in my hand i didn't realize i put all my pills and i can i can down like 40 pills in one hand oh i can tell and then i went like that and i saw the other loop I thought fuck and then I was like oh and then it was too late wow it went down yeah oh my god yeah so you pooped an ear plug yeah and then coincidentally thank god you didn't put a piece of poo in your ear no oh yeah that would have been that would have been that would have been a crazy mistake yeah so the other day I'm sitting and I get this message yeah I thought I'd read it here today

oh here we go I won't say the who sent me this but I got this yesterday at 1136 p.m okay okay Hi there, Jade. I know it's a bit of a crazy request, but I truly would love the opportunity to purchase your poop if you consider it at all. I could fly to you and hopefully meet up at a coffee shop or wherever it is convenient or pay for shipping and keep it completely free of contact.

Let me know if you'd be up for it. I hope it's a flattering, I'll bit strange I know. So I wanted to know, how did you make a profile and send me this? That's a random person? This is a random person. Look, this is a screenshot. And they want you to do a movement and mail it to them. Uh-huh.

And how much? So I sold it for a hundred, but I feel like, I'm kidding. I wouldn't. I don't know. Like I've, I've had some that I go, I should take a picture of this. Wow. But then I'd have to handle it. Yeah.

I don't know. Would you do it? How much, oh, let me say this. How much would it cost for you to sell your poop? Oh. Hmm. Stombed you, huh? Yeah, I would say.

Amber? How much would you... No, no, no, just send it from your house. 10,000. Okay. Wow. Someone knows how to market the poop. Wow, I got to go to DeVry and take a course.

I feel like I'm just going to put it in a jar. Make him pay me. Yeah. I would do $1,000 for a jar of my poop. Wow. Yeah. What about a candle of your poop? I feel like there's a lot of effort.

I don't want to touch it. Yeah. I want to scoop it in, send it out. Also, because you go, hey, don't tell anybody I did this, but then they have to say that they bought it. So that's even worse. Where do you even put it? Do you mount it on the wall over the fireplace? I don't know what he's going to do with that.

Now what? You're making sandwiches? What are you doing? It's the same with like these feet guys. I don't know what they're doing with the foot content. I'm selling it, but I don't know where it's going. Yeah. You know?

How much for the poop earplug? Because that's a sort of a boutiquey sort of. I wanted it. I was hoping I could see it and I could grab it, but it didn't happen. It just went. Oh, God. It could still be inside of me, lodged somewhere, killing me slowly for all we know. Oh, God.

I know I think about it at night sometimes. So do you. Huh? Nothing. Uh, Jade, we are down to our final segment. you remember this one words from a wooden shoe you reach in pull out a random word see if it sparks a story from your wonderful journey in life and let's hear about it come on girl fire oh wow wow it's kind of sensitive like after everything that happened what do you mean you know the fire's

here it was a few months ago what now did that affect you directly like this is something like Like personal. Like personal. Let's see. Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, burning. You ever been in a fire? You ever been burnt? You ever burn something down?

Did you play with matches as a kid? I mean... Oh, I have another poop story. Great. I'm sorry. That in itself is fire. It's fire. My grandmother had a little gold bell that she kept by the front door.

Swallowed it? Swallowed it. Oh, God. My parents made me poop it out. Oh, you swallowed it. I swallowed it. I guess I have a problem. Wait, you really did?

I really did. They go, Jay, don't play with that thing. You're going to swallow. I'm like, I was a kid. I remember this memory going, I'm not going to swallow this. How would I swallow this little tiny ball? Yeah. The ball inside the bell.

Yeah. It was pure gold. I swallowed it. Your poos are like a treasure hunt. I feel like I shouldn't be, and nothing should go in my mouth. I'll swallow it. Yeah. I have a strong.

Yeah. Too bad. You're with girls now. What do you mean? That helps. Oh, okay. Yeah, it doesn't hurt. Okay.

How do you do it? What do you mean? How do you do it? Do what? What do you say? Wait, what are you talking about? Wait a second. Don't make me swallow this microphone.

Okay, I got a better fire story. Okay, let's hear it. Okay. This is not a fire story, but it just made me think of this funny story. No, it's okay. I like the poop story better. I'll end it on that. With the bell?

Yeah, the bell. The taco bell. Yeah. I swallowed the bell. they made me poop it on a on a newspaper in the kitchen the great thing about doing that you don't they don't have to know they can hear it tinkling when it comes out it's like did she poo yet ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding when i told that earplug thing at the cat at the palace the guy didn't understand that it was an ear plug he thought it was like an air pod so he kept going

if i need some music i know we're finding the antenna and i was like it's not a fucking air i didn't swall an iPhone thing, okay? I'm getting upset. Wow. Yeah, because they didn't give us any water or snacks or anything so as mad. Wow. Yeah. So you're not going to eat this and have a...

No, I'm allergic to hazelnuts. Okay, it's just kind of rude not to take someone's gift. I know. But I'll probably just poop it out anyway, so... Jade, thanks for being here. Thanks for coming. Will you tell the folks where they can see you, what you're up to, tell them, about your book, anything you want to plug?

Well, I shouldn't say plug, but anything you want. I don't know why I talk so much about food. I guess that's just how it goes. You can find me at Jade Catapreda all across all my socials. I have a show at El Cid 1216. Oh, nice. It's kind of far away, so maybe this

will come out. Yeah, yeah. 1216, December 16th at El Cid here in Los Angeles. I'll be in Connecticut, November 30th. You can go to jadecadapreda.com for all my show dates. and find me on OnlyFans at Funny But. Is that for real?

Yeah. Yeah. You said. Funny But I believe it after the ear plugging the bell. There's no. Listen, stop the music. Stop. There is no poop content on my OnlyFans.

I just want to be very clear about that. Hit it. Folks, this has been the Holland Highway podcast. Jade Capi Barra. And thank you so much. much. Thank you. Oh, that's until next time. Safe pooping, everybody. And we'll see you next time. Chicken Chalmane. Wow, ride that bike, baby. Oh, yeah.