The Harland Highway - JAMIE KENNEDY reveals UFO and Alien secrets. Also, Joshua Tree uncovered and building the wall.

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

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Hey, folks, at the end of the show, Colonel Tom Dowdy is back with an audio-only portion for your enjoyment. Don't forget, I'll be in Victoria, British Columbia, February 12th, Vancouver, British Columbia, February 13th, and then Tacoma, Washington, February 14th and 15th. Get your tickets now at Harlan Williams.com, and now let's get to the podcast. So how do aliens of sex? Well, maybe they're not, like, totally, like, biological like that. So how do they reproduce? They could lay an egg. They probably don't even have assholes.

Wow, no wonder they fly around so fast. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. All right, buddy. I'm going to put my house. headphones on how you feel and you're ready to do this i'm ready you ready for uh some uh t s yes some t s you want some like right now

two yes right now right now we we should just do it oh wait it's not t s it's tm tm do you want some tm it's up it's up to you tm let's up to you tm let's let's do it theme music ladies and gentlemen welcome I was like trans metal meddle

I didn't know where we were going I didn't know what month it was neither do they none of them know none of my 18 viewers know they don't have a clue folks hollett will you here welcome to the Holland Highway

podcast and my special special special guest today, actor, comedian, podcaster, and all kinds of other things. Jamie Kennedy's here. J.K. Does anyone ever refer you as J.F.K.? Sometimes. What's your middle name?

Harvey. Is it really? Yeah. I could almost, I almost want to change this to the Harvey Highway. Serial. I'm cereal. J.H.K. is almost, but it's not FK. still i think it warrants a shot i hope not i mean come on guy do you have a black limo

like a convertible limo i don't you saw what i drive yeah yeah you're like a storm chaser this guy this guy drives a tornado chaser man i think i saw philip c hoffman in the back looking out the window or whatever his name is yeah god it's yeah well you have an industrial van bro sefayosh yeah like like even as like like survivalist wheels on it and like yeah you're ready you're ready for the apocalypse apocalypse i mean look we can it's 60 miles you know to joshua tree that's all i'm is that right yeah yeah it's about two just over two hours oh maybe it's farther than it's about a hundred miles yeah it's about two two hours maybe 10 minutes all right so it's probably about But 108 miles.

Yeah. You really checking me on that. Yeah, yeah, because I've been out there a lot. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You go to Joshua Tree a lot. I used to do this thing in the old days with an old girlfriend of mine. I used to get the, I had a black pickup truck, a Dodge Ram pickup truck.

Okay. And the bed was the exact circumference of a queen-sized mattress. And so on a clear, starry night, like at like 10 o'clock at night we'd just say let's go up to Joshua Tree sleep under the stars so I'd take my back mattress off my bed put it in the bed of the pickup truck

we'd wail out to Joshua Tree just pull off the road blankets and we'd lay under the stars at Joshua Tree we didn't even have a camping pass or anything you took your mattress from over there from my bed yeah at my old house You didn't want to get another bed?

No, no. I'm just, well, I didn't, who has an extra mattress? I don't have an extra mattress in the closet guy. I know, but it's the truck. It's the perfect fit. Right, but I'm not, I'm only doing that like every now and then. So it's just like, you know, flop, off we go. Boom.

And then you're there. Yeah. I'm laying under the stars. Coyotes running around. That's wow. That's a lot. Yeah. That's a little a lot.

Joshua Tree looks like Mars. Yeah, it does. You've been out there? Yeah, yeah. They say that's where we got to go. I got a funny story. Can I tell you a funny Joshua tree story real quick? I love how you say Joshua.

Joshua. What do you say? Joshua. What did I say? Joshua. Joshua tree. Joshua. Oh, you're taking out the couple of letters.

Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. I'm going to Joshua tree.

Joshua tree. I'm going to Joshua tree. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Yeah, yeah, you're saying it right. I feel like I just rode over a hill and I bumped into an Indian tribe. Like, and we're trying to communicate.

Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua tree. Me like him Joshua. Joshua. The fire. Oh.

Comes from the hill. Comes from the Joshua. Joshua tree. Joshua. Joshua Tree. Hey, you want to go to Joshua Tree? Yeah. That's what they say. So I went out there once with the next girlfriend. This was a different one.

Yeah, I've had two girlfriends in my whole life. More than that. And so I go out to Joshua Tree and I want to shoot a little video like a skit. And it's a skit about a guy who's an insect harvester. Like he he's like sort of like the crocodile hunter, but he looks for like rare insects. and he collects them and he wrangles them. Yeah.

So I bought all these rubber, weird rubber insects, you know, at the joke store and stuff. Yeah. And I go out there and I sort of did it like a documentary, like we were a couple. And I was like, hey, I think there's a Brazilian onion ring beetle over here. And then I had fishing line and I was pulling them out of holes that we dug. And then I had onion ring beetles. I just made up a zon. Did she know?

Oh, yeah, she knew. It's like it's a Scandinavian lasagna wasp. You know, I was just make it up. And then what I had was a, I had a pool back in those days. And you know, the giant skimmer with the net? Yeah. So we were, you know, we set up the camera. I'm running through Joshua tree with a 14 foot net and slamming it down.

And she's pulling the bugs on it. You know, so to do it, I just rode on the road and I pulled over. We walked back in behind a bunch of rocks. Couldn't see the truck anymore. I'm in the middle of chasing a rare, you know, Norwegian rice cake wasp or something. And all of a sudden we go, excuse me, we hear a voice, right? Excuse me, we're in the middle of, it looks like Mars out there.

Yeah. We turn around it to Park Ranger. No. Yeah. He goes, what are you folks doing? I'm like, we're just shooting a film out here. He goes, you know, you pulled off the road, you can't park on the side of the road. and we go, why not?

He goes, well, it's officially it's parkland. You can't, you can only park in, when you pull off the road, you're parking in the desert, and that's the parkland. And we say, oh, we'll move it. He starts walking back with us. Yeah. And then we're just walking. We're like, okay, he's a little intense.

He goes, well, I got some bad news for you. And he's like super soon. We're like, holy God, I'm thinking they towed my truck. I'm trapped. Yeah. I go, what is it? He goes, you're going to get a ticket. And I'm thinking, okay, $3,000.

I go, oh, no, come on, guy. I go, how much it goes, $50? And me and her just like, you know, we're just like, he made this big buildup for 50 bucks. For 50. Fitty spot. Fitty spot. Anyways, that's my, one of my Joshua tree. That's two.

I gave you two Joshua Street stories and you didn't give me one. See, Joshua, you said at first Joshua, then you said Joshua. Now you overdid it again. What's the one of you two's most famous albums? Joshua Tree. Nope, Joshua Tree. Joshua. Listen, you went out there.

I want to know where this documentary was released. I never did anything with it. Because this was the day before digital. This was in the 90s. Yeah. So this is when you went out with a video cam, you'd shoot something. You'd go, oh, I have no way to edit it. I think you have it somewhere.

It's somewhere. Hey, everybody. When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor, but you just pushed it off? You're like, oh, this third arm going out of my back will disappear. It'll heal up by itself. I'll just give it a little time. I don't need any help. Not me.

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What's one of your Joshua Tree stories now that I've thrown two beauties out there, real beauties, just fucking beauties. You know what? I really don't. I have never gone out there and taken drugs. No, but have you been out there? I've been out there. I'm starting to wonder if you even went to Joshua Tree.

Because not to have one, did you not see like an eagle or a onion ring beetle? It's on the way to Palm Springs. Okay. There's nothing in Joshua Tree except those beautiful moon rocks. Yeah. The stars. Yeah. And people go there.

to take mushrooms. Oh, you've never been in Joshua Tree, have you? I have. You haven't. I have. You've been into the park. You went through the gates. Maybe not.

No, you have. No, I go to the rocks. You've never been. I've been to the rocks. No. What's the rocks? Dude, you know what it's called Joshua Tree? Why?

In your description of Joshua Tree, you left out the main thing. tree you go in joshua tree there's millions of joshua trees joshua trees are native only to this area of the whole world no joshua tree it's a park and it's called joshua tree because it's full of joshua trees no but there's hundreds of thousands of them but there's a town called joshua tree no yes yes yes national park that's different i went to joshua tree you went to the town yeah the town it got the houses you can buy the land out there you get a lot of land for cheap right and you can build out there but there's nothing out there okay you're talking about the out why yeah you're talking about the actual forest the park is that's josh that's what people i haven't done that

that's where i've been that's where my adventures happened inside inside the park i didn't even honestly this i'm just going to sound terrible i didn't even know that there was a park What? Because it's desert. But that's the thing. It's desert until you go into the park, and this barren landscape with nothing in it has literally hundreds of thousands of Joshua trees.

Where are the trees? They're all over the whole park. That's why they made it a park. Does it look like redwoods? No, they're little spiky. They look almost like cactus trees. How tall are they? They're about, they average about probably between 10 and 20 feet, 25 feet is a tall one.

If you look at the cover of Joshua Tree, the U2 album, there's a Joshua tree on there. But because of the arid conditions, the soil, the temperature changes, this is the only part in the whole world where those trees can grow and exist. If you try to transplant one, they will die. It's the perfect environment elements in order for that piece of vegetation to exist. Isn't that wild? so imagine if you haven't been in the park you saw rocks but when you go in the park the rocks are like it looks like Mars

and then you get these bizarre Joshua trees populating Mars it looks like you're on another planet in there I mean this is amazing backstory where you're giving me but the rocks and the trees that are on the not Barack he's at the White House okay the rocks the rocks rocks not the Baroque not the Baroque not the Baroque Not the Barack. Not the Obama's.

Yeah, he's out. Yeah. I didn't go to Brock. Baroque tree. Yeah, broccoli. Broccoli. Broccoli. So you go to Josh.

With cheese sauce. Yeah, I love it. Okay. Joshua tree with the rocks. With the rocks. And there's trees that pop out. You're saying that's only the appetizer. The full meal is inside and it looks like a forest.

Oh, yeah. It doesn't look like a forest, but it's desert, but it's populated with all these bizarre trees. It almost looks like Dr. Seuss. If you could go to Dr. Seuss's underwear, it would probably look like that. Like just crazy trees and moon rocks. I think I've been there. I've definitely been to the part of it. In the gate.

I don't know if I went through it. I don't think I went to the gate. I think that was a whole to do. It's sort of like you saying I went to Niagara Falls. I did. But I was only in Buffalo. Like you didn't actually see the falls, did you? Hold on.

I was just in Niagara Falls this June. Yeah. And you can see it from Buffalo. So, okay, I arrest my case. But hold on, but I would know I was in Niagara Falls. And I went on the, the, the princess lady. What's that called? The maid of the mist.

Yeah, the maid of the mist. They made he missed. You went on the maid of the mist. I did. There's video that I'm not lying about that. I believe you. So you were right under the Falls. I was right there. I've got, I've got documentation.

Wow. The maid of the mist. Made of the mist. And the Superman was filmed up there. That's right. But it was, it don't act like it's just Canadian. because it's also... No, there's a Canadian Niagara Falls

and then the American. But the Canadian Falls are the spectacular ones. I was on the Canadian side. Yeah. The American Falls are spectacular, but they pale next to the Canadian Falls because the Canadian Falls are the biggest. That's a little aggressive guy.

I know, but that's the way God designed it. And I didn't draw the border lines. No, you didn't. I did see it from this Canadian side, and I did enjoy it. But I'm just saying it, I look like Buffalo had a pretty, beautiful side as well. Yeah, yeah. But that's what I'm saying. You, you were there. And so

Josh, I got wet. You have, excuse me? I did. It's weird, but I did. You got wet? Wet. Soaked. What kind of underpants were you wearing? I was at the point. No, I mean, yeah, just basically. Sounds like you were squirting. You know, I got squirted on. Are you a squirder? So you know what? During certain diseases, yes, that happens at the back door. Oh, too much. Jesus cried late for this guy was talking about Joshua. Now we got a diarrhea story. You just,

how else do you squirt? I just want a nice desert story. I know, but we went all over the place. You fucking. I know, but now I'm trapped in a diarrhea story. I don't want any of that.

I'm just saying is that I went to, here's what I did. I went to Joshua, I did it like go there and camp. It's on the way to Palm Springs. You stop. And then you go to those rocks. I've climbed on those rocks.

I've seen those little moon. I didn't know there was a whole fucking forest. Yeah, you got to go. Vasquez Rocks. Where's that? That's on the way up the Antelope Valley towards Palmdale. I did that too. Yeah, I've been, I filmed a movie on those rocks.

Vasquez rocks, they come out of the ground vertically, and you know what else they filmed there? Porn. No. The Flintstones movie. They actually built Bedrock, the town of Bedrock. The prop builders built a, a city in in at vasquez rocks wow and you know what else they shot there you a star trek fan

oh the uh the fight the fight with the lizard yeah the fight yeah captain kirk fights this guy in a lizard a rubber lizard mask yeah almost in slow motion but somehow it's this crazy fight you know it's crazy what i saw because you know i go to these conventions a lot yeah what's conventions just so know they know it's the autograph conventions okay yeah horror the signings signings and stuff yeah and i see shatner shatner is a legend but he's a canadian legend oh i thought you meant someone crapped on the floor they shatner yeah no oh you saw you saw bill oh william shatner william shatner got you saw shatner yeah you thought a guy took a shatner i thought a guy when you said you saw a shatner where i come from that's where a homeless guy takes a dump on the floor my guy

i mean let's keep it clear you know outside of joshua inside let's let's make things a little more clear for them i like to play the word games that you play wait if i my agent used to bring me an offer okay you're not going to know this but now you'll get it after i tell you and i would say we would say rose bull okay do you know what that would mean Rose Bowl No Pat Because Rose Bowl's in Pasadena

So it was a pass Oh wow That would be like a game you would play What if his wife's name is Dina So you bring me an offer And we give it to your his wife We say Rose Bowl If we don't like to do it

But Dina What's Dina have to do with it Because our last name Because it's Dina Well pass Pass, yeah Oh pass the wife Yeah

Oh. Dude, you got to come in the park. Wait a minute. You got to come in the park, guy. Something's off today. No, I was there. What is happening here, guy?

First you lie about Joshua Tree. Then you take a Shatner and now you don't know the second half of Pasadena. No, I did, but I didn't know you're Pasadena. You passed the wife. I got you. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Hold on a second.

What? Shatner, I saw. And I asked him about that. Oh, with the, in Vasquez Rocks. Yeah. Yeah. And he said that they shot it at Paramount on a sound stage. No.

He did. No. He said that I shot that at Vasquez Rocks. Yeah. And clearly you have never been inside the park. Wait, he said that? Yeah. Yeah, that's Vasquez Rocks.

No. I do see Shatner. I'm not lying about that, but I never asked me about that scene. Yeah, well, I know he shot it there because those rock formations are so unique. Yeah. They come out of the ground at an angle. Guy, when did you start becoming a topographerist? I think when I started being a stripper.

Yeah. I was taking my top off so much. I thought I might as well jump in. No, why not? Top. Pographer. I love topography. You do.

Oh, man. I'll Google map myself to sleep. Right? At night. Oh, last night I drifted off to Bakersfield. Wow. Yeah, and then I zoomed in and I almost got all, you can only zoom in so far before it becomes a national threat.

Yeah. So they only come in about eight increments. And I think I got just over the Hooters in Bakersfield and I was just about to zoom in and I drifted off. Really? Topography helps me sleep. Right. Yeah, it puts you to make you phone. I put you, right before you go to that alien jerky spot.

But I think that's on the other highway. You know that one? Excuse me? Yeah, it's on the way. The alien what spot? Alien jerky. It sounds a little, yeah. Alien jerky.

Oh, you, oh, jerky, beef jerky. Yeah, where did you think I was going? I thought it was a, you know how Shatner? Yeah, you took you, tuck a shatner. I was picturing E.T. whacking off behind the tool shed. well you said alien jerky what are we supposed to think what's wrong with you today why am i off why are you putting them on your side you're just nuts today guys i'm in my own business i know but you're all

flattered up all shatnered up i'm gonna sit here i'll let you run it speaking of aliens we never talked about this but i heard about this your dad yes when you were growing up didn't he like see an alien or experience a UFO or get abducted or something? Is this something we can talk about? We can talk about it. Oh, I want to hear. I love this stuff. No,

no abduction. Okay. But he claimed that when he was 12 years. Let me shut that off. Fucking Mars is calling him. Yeah, it's your dad. Hang on. We would have passed to beat it.

He asked him. He's about to do it now. Yeah, he's about to drop a Shatner. Shatner. Okay. All right. So what happened? so when he was 12 he grew up out in Tennessee okay there's a place called the smoking mountains all right and my believe me i have topagrished them yeah you probably i've seen them

from above yeah tuned in uh and this was probably in the early 40s oh it was about 12 he had one of those type of bikes you like like you see that truck on your desk yeah yeah like those bikes They were like bags back then. They were not Schwins. I don't know what they were. Oh, yeah, like old school bike. Yeah, yeah. Forget the name of it.

Like the wagon. What was the wagon called? I think it was called a wagon. It was a different type of a wagon. It was a cool radio flyer. Oh, the kid's wagons. Yeah, radio flyer. Yeah.

And none of them had radios. At all. Yeah. So he was there and he had said that he saw something. in the sky and it affected him to his whole life and then when he was about

24 27 somewhere around there he went to Atlantic City because he was in the Navy and he was on the boardwalk and he saw a craft in the sky and he said

I was mesmerized I never I couldn't stop looking at it to this day and you know he passed away but he said to his whole life he said and to this day to the whole I've never ever questioned it so he said he saw it twice whoa so 12 and in his 40s no 12 and then his 20s his 20s yeah and he did that from that he wasn't like an alien nut like he wasn't in mufong you know what that is and not like they're nuts but like their move on sounds like something else a homeless person would do Do a Mufon?

Yeah, move on. Right there beside the Shatner. Drop a Mufon by the sh-oh. Right. Like after a bad night of Kualudes, I feel like they do a Mufon. Drop a Moof. What is it? What is a M-Fon is something of identified flying objects.

Like a plane? But the M. Identify, I think, Mufon. Like something union of flying. Somebody will help me. Okay. Move on. Move on.

Yeah. So, move on? What's up, player? Yeah, move fine. What's up? Move on. You break up with you, girl, you... Move on, player.

Exactly. You have a bad business deal, you... I move on, player. Exactly. So it was... Daddy got a move on player. Move on. So he...

No, it's 100% he... He wasn't that guy, but he read a ton of books. He watched a ton of documentaries. Whoa. And he was the guy in the neighborhood. He loved cigarettes. And he loved to talk about... And he was always...

like what we were talking about earlier looking out looking up in the sky and it was amazing so I grew up with this by the way you know why he loved why he loves cigarettes why he grew up in the smoky mountains oh shut up you hello folks topography daddy like his topography that is topography daddy is topography you know what I didn't have today I caught a shatner I did not take a shatterner I didn't have my coffee yet. Oh, God. Okay. Sorry.

Keep going. Oh, and during Scream 2. Yeah. He said he also, there was a helicopter. So we were in Atlanta filming at Agnes Scott College. Shout out. And I was there with my parents. I put them in a little side little, like, condominium.

Okay. And we were in the big hotel. And there was a copter that was like literally like it was above their condominium. minium like high up yeah but like for two hours a helicopter yeah but it was black and i was like racist right i know i'm sorry and it was what was it was it was black dude you can't say it can't say black black copters matter bro it was it was an african-copters it was an african-american copter okay so thank you and it was above the condominium but it was high and he i say there's a copter's been out there a long time and we were on our way to dinner he goes

oh yeah they're there he goes because they know that i know oh and that they know that i know and me he would always say funny stuff to us because he's had a great sense of humor. Me and my mom look at you and always started laughing, but it didn't break. Yeah. He pulled a heartily. He did not break. No. And I did not know.

And to this day, me and my mom, still don't know. Whoa. So those are the three. Do you think the... Take that, Joshua. Whoa. Aggression. Jeez.

Do you think the copter was a African-American hawk? or what kind of copter was it an African-American hawk it was a it was a black oh black hawk that's what I'm asking yeah black hawk no no it's a different dude African-American hawk but also that sounded something else uh it I know what you're saying after like that movie uh that starred African-American hawk down yeah yeah I was going to say that that um josh hartnett was the star of that yeah uh it could have been but it would be the only one but is that a odd thing for a helicopter to hover for a few hours two hours and we weren't doing any shots like that and when we do shots you as you know i've never seen the super black african-american

i've never seen a super african-american helicopter in the sky for two hours but the fact that you're sitting here saying it was a helicopter and it's hard to buy into this as a UFO story. If you said there was something hovering, great, but you've actually said your dad sat there for four hours and watched a helicopter, which makes me wonder if daddy was slapping down some diphtheria sauce. He likes, he used to like slits, but there wasn't that many, it wasn't that many schlitz. Oh, I love a good schlitz. You do. You get, you like to get into a nice, cold schlitz like a warm one myself yeah i guess it's not a hot schlitz listen come on daddy what i'm saying it's it's not that wasn't the UFO those pops were the MIBs so why are we rumbling in

an helicopter story with two UFO stories Because that was just the third, like, thing that had to do with it. But this is where I'm kind of... Calling Joshua Tree? Well, it wasn't... The third one doesn't have anything to do it because you already determined it was a terrestrial man-made vehicle. Yeah. I know, but he was trying to basically, either he was being funny or not, saying that they were watching him.

Oh, okay. Because he knew more stuff than the average bear. He became paranoid. Or it was real. Wait a minute. So he knew more stuff than the average bear based on the two sightings that he had? That's what I'm thinking. Wow.

He said a ton of things that we're starting to see now. Wow. Come on, dude. How really do you want to go? The last month of the year was insane. You know it's in the sky. The droids or the drones. The drones, the orbs, the plasamoids.

Here's what I don't get, though. Okay. Let's say we do have these advanced technologies from 20 trillion galaxies away. We got aliens. We got space people. They venture across time, whether they go through a portal or they got these advanced aeronautical devices that can move them around at the speed triple light. They show up on Earth. They get here.

They come down and they make crop circles in a cauliflower field. We came all this way for the most intelligent beings on the planet. Let's do some donuts. What am I missing here, Wildfingers? I mean, it could be symbolism. Yeah, but you come all that way to burn some donuts in a broccoli field. I get what you're saying. Like, why don't you come down and build Godzilla or build a fucking, you know,

a giant mushroom monster or something? Like, you just want to do donuts and then fuck off? It's like, I feel like some aliens stole their parents' spacecraft. They fucked off a few galaxies, burned some donuts, add some warm schlens and fucked off. You know what I mean? Like, come on. What the F guy. Wait a minute.

It's got to be more. It's also a farmer. Farmers do that. But why don't they just come to Earth? Why don't they make contact? Don't they know we have Lego land? We have Lego Land. We have Cracker Barrel.

We do. We got Arby's Drive. through, you could hover your bubble gum machine and get a roast beef sandwich with horsy sauce. Like, why you got to be so mysterious? Land, have some fun. Have a fucking tailgate at the Pittsburgh Penguins game. Yeah, there it is. You know, do something.

Horsey sauce. I'm starting to think of that. Get some horsy sauce, fucking jump around. Go to Disneyland. Yeah. Take a Shatner on Space Mountain. Like, do something, man. Go to Joshua Tree and fuck.

Like, have some fun. You fucked up, freaky-eyed fucking. bongo-nosed fox. Stop! I don't mean that. Stop it. Okay. They're going to get mad.

Well, they can suck a Shatner in the back of a Home Depot. Dude, first of all, you don't know if they've got a thing. A thing? Yeah. What do you mean? Ben Grims up there? It just might be like, you know, a Kendall. What do you mean a thing?

Oh, like. It might be smooth sailing. What's that got to do with them making contact? Because you told, because I said they were. Because you said you just have, you know, have some sex. Well, they got. gotta procreate somehow they could just they could just uh what do you do that they uh you make the person appear what's that called man hallucinate that too but uh when you'd they want to take a

they did on star trek what do they do person goes and then a person comes teleport yeah but they have to build the person first they have to conceive the person yeah so how do aliens of sex Well, maybe they're not, like, totally, like, biological like that. So how do they reproduce? It could lay an egg. They probably don't even have assholes. Wow. No wonder they fly around so fast.

Have you ever? Can you imagine not being able to fart your whole life? That's why their heads are so big. It's just their fart gas is fucking blowing their heads up. And that's where their eyes get so big. I'm not with him. They're holding on to 40 years of farts. I'm not with you.

Because you're going to piss them off. Good. No. Come to a donut on my, I'm Canadian. I love donuts. Do a donut on my roof. Do a bug-eyed fucknards sucking.

Pencil sharpener teeth. Rhinoplasty fucking didgerie do. Snot goblin fucknards. Yeah. There's two things I never do. You ready? What? I never talk.

talk shit about aliens. Yeah. They never talk shit about my appliances. Because they're all going to fucking rise up. Yeah. Those toasters are going to get smart. I'm more scared of a good microwave from Black and Decker than I am from Gleck-Snored 5 up there on his bubble gum machine. I mean, I understand what you're saying.

But I'm just saying what happens. The disclosure they're saying is three days away. Did you know that? What do you mean? Meaning they say they're going to announce it before the inauguration. So wait a minute. You believe in aliens. Definitely.

Would you ever want to meet an alien? Probably. We probably met a lot already, dude. We've lived here for a long time. Where are you going? Dude. Stop it. Fuck you.

No. Yeah. Fuck you, dude. Globelgord. It's not. Wow. Dude. Wow.

Ask away. Okay. You wanted to meet Daddy. Yes. Ask away. Anything you want to know. Okay. When do you have a butthole?

No. See how big this is? Yeah. I've been building up burrito farts, omelet farts. and Arby's farts for 40 years. Do you like horsy sauce? Yes. We use it as a lubricant.

For sex? Yes. So you have sex? We do have sex. But with what? We use something called the Procivius activist, Turentialist. Trencholist. It's spider-like?

It's spider-like. It has six heads. and we do it in a kneeling position over an inkjet printer. Next question. So your thing has six heads over an inkjet. Are you trying to, but does the printer help because you're making a, since you're procreating, are you making a copy? The printer provides sexual vibration.

Oh, on your, do you have? have a taint? Yes, we have three. When are you going to reveal yourself? We have a legion of spacecraft hovering over Bakersfield right now, and in about four weeks we land. We do a few donuts. We do a few one of the guys on one of the ships wants to do a corn maze. He's a little more creative. He's an artsy-fartzy alien, and he's going to do a corn maze, and, you know, then we're here. Do you believe that I was lying about Joshua Tree? I saw the whole thing. You've never been through the gate.

You've never been to Joshua Tree. But I have. I just haven't gone to the gate. Affirmative. Anything else you'd like to know while I'm here. For Halloween, do you dress up as humans? Pardon me? For Halloween, do you dress up as humans?

Yes, we do. I went out for Halloween last year as Willie Nelson. And I was beaten like a pinata. Yes. And I looked like a shatner laying on the street. You've taken multiple shatners. Correct. Wow.

Nice to meet you, Zorblog. Nice to meet you. Happy lasagna. Look at the sweat. See, it's not easy being an alien. Do you tell that to, you know, Eagle Pass? Whoa, dude. Yeah.

You know what's funny, though? The aliens, my guy. Yeah. Well, you know was a commitment. Huh? thank you i should be committed um the aliens are so elusive like they come we see them there's this historical people have sightings that we've been we've been pulled up into the ships we've been probed but we don't really um you know get to see them they're kind of there but then

they're gone and by the way they're spacecraft or like they can move like this in the blink of an eye they can teleport yeah yeah and then what do we got we sent out a satellite called voyager yeah and well they're sitting there on their docks drinking beer you know we're watching their ships go like this and we just got oh there goes to human just gliding by yeah nothing nothing 10 miles an hour so do you believe in them i'm getting a vibe that you might not i do believe in them but i also think that you look like he just had a warm schlitz do i yeah better yeah yeah perfect but um but here's what i don't get we send out the voyager right and they put a gold-plated vinyl record on the voyager this is a satellite i want to read you something you know

about the Voyager, right? The Voyager satellite? We sent this out. It's the most traveled spacecraft in history. It's operated outside of our heliosphere. You did research. Yeah.

Voyager 1 is in the constellation Opitius at a distance of, get this, I don't even know how to say this. 24901 127-938.2 kilometers from Earth. Earth. Is that even, is it trillions of miles, billions? I don't even know what that is.

This is like a one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven digit number. Might be septillions. Or maybe it's a quadrillion. So here's this thing we sent. It's even beyond our our orbit now. Yeah. It's beyond our star system that we know. And on this thing, We put this gold disc that gives you directions to Earth. It has pictures of our DNA. It has diagrams of what a man and a woman looks like. On a disc? On a disc?

They attached a disc to the, like as if aliens have a record player. Yeah, like if discs, people still play DVDs? Well, this is in the 70s. So it's not even a DVD. It's an actual record. It's been out there since the 70s?

They put it to this thing up in the 70s. And it has a gold record. They made a gold. They pressed a record out of gold with all this data on it. And they're going to take the record and play it? I don't know. Do they have record players on X-Norb 5703 X2 Glork Nishlark? What?

Yeah. And on this record, they put whale noises. I did hear that. Bird sounds. Whales are apparently connected. Wind noises. Whales are connected. Yeah.

They're in the mob. I know. What do you mean? They're connected. What do you mean? You know what I mean. I mean. Imagine this, you're an alien.

All of a sudden, this clunky... Oh, yeah. The whale sound apparently can summon things. How does it go? Sounds like you just took a Shatner. It's not the right whale. And a Mufon. How does the whale go?

I know. It's like... That's sounding like a little alien... That sounds like a little alien dashboard. Wait, you do your whale noise. and I'll do mine and maybe they mix together. Now, those aren't whale noises. That's a Saturday night at a Motel 6 through the drywall.

And palm down. Yeah. No, it's like, yeah. Yeah, that's a truck driver and a crack whore. Yeah, right through the dry wall. Yeah. Wait. Yeah.

The aliens have something with whales. Really? I have heard that. I didn't know that. Wait, I want to make you a believer. I am a believer, but convince me more. Well, I don't want to go down the rabbit hole because I know you. No, I love it.

Please. They don't even say they're aliens. They say they're IDBs, interdimensional beings. That's the whole other pod. Whoa, what do you mean? Meaning that you and I could see each other right now, but there's something going on over here that we can't see because we only have five senses.

Really? We had another sense to access this dimension. We would then see a bunch of like, there's a fucking party going. There's a guy drinking a Starbucks right there, and he's getting a blip job from a glug. Where did you hear about this? It's on the internet.

On the internet. So right now, do you see that guy? guy. Yeah. He's drinking a margarita. He's got the salt. He's got the little tahine rim. Yeah.

But, man, that's happening all around us. That's what they say. Can you give me a minute? Okay. Excuse me. I'm doing a fucking podcast here with my friend Jamie Kennedy. And we don't need you assholes jumping around drinking Starbucks and Cirque de Soleil all over the place.

I'm having a conversation with my fucking buddy, Jamie fucking Kennedy. Get the hell. out of here assholes get a permit fuckers do you know you sound like go ahead park ranger what do you mean sound like the guy from joshua tree i got some bad news for you hmm it's going to be fifty dollars dude i didn't they weren't nobody crashes the harland highway They weren't invited. I don't need them. I'm here with you.

They're all gone now. They're out. They're gone now. I scared the shit out of them. Little whores. Little freckle-faced Starbucks fucking sada sniffing, green tea licking fucking gluten-free. Chinese fucking brokeback mountain.

Sweet and sour spareb. Fucking cheese dog gurgling. Fucking grass munching chimpanzee hors. You really went. Daddy had to get you. get that out daddy had to get that i don't like i don't know why you threw the chinese part in but a few of them looked okay but i don't need look this is the harland highway i don't need impostors yeah you don't need people crashing coming up through the gate yeah all i'm trying to say is

there's something to it the orbs are up there yeah and everyone's just fucking going about their day playing their football parlays going the fucking spinning class wondering if they have a callback for Carl's Jr. Drinking a white claw. What do you think they want, though, J.HK? What do you think these, whatever they are,

the DMVs, what did you call them? The DVDs? By the way, the DMVs is also, it could be an alien base. I believe that. You've seen the way people drive?

Yeah, the line. Just waiting in there? Yeah. That looks like many, that looks like the Beetleju's waiting room. Oh, yeah. What do you think they want, though, JHK?

What is it the hell? What are they waiting for? They're clearly making their presence known. Decade after decades, sightings, people in the tractor beam probes, people say they see the almond eyes out their window, the graylings or whatever they are. By the way, we have a lot of old people here in senior centers.

I think the gray ones is taken. Meaning they're gray? Well, that's what people call them the grays. It's like, leave our seniors alone. Pick another color. God. These grays only three feet. By the way, a good old folks home could look like an alien invasion.

Yeah. Yeah, some of them do shrivel up and look like E.T. Definitely. I think that they want to. What do they want? This is the truth, in my opinion. Okay. We are

They're bitch Wait a minute What? Yeah Were their intergalactic bitch? Yep Explain Whoa

They own this planet Okay We built it out Yeah They can take it whenever they want Really? Yeah And they want

Our energy How do you mean? We are batteries so they in a psychic way want to siphon our energy yeah so they can live it's like war of the worlds remember those big machines they suck the humans up and yeah yeah hopefully that they sucked all the blood yeah that sound weird it sounds like it bakersfield yes that's another thing Have you heard the trumpets in the sky? No.

There's a bunch of trumpets. I know he has a jet. Eh. What? Trump is in the sky. Well, I've seen it. I've seen it fly by. His name's right on the side.

Trump is in the sky. Dude. Come on, guy. Jumpy's in the sky. Dude, it is no fucking joke, dude. You're on the fucking highway, bro. You have a fucking special talent they want. They want your soul.

They want your energy. But what do they want with it? Like, it's deeper conversation. You got 10 hours? But quickly, did they plug into us and they're siphoning our energy so they can live? You said we're batteries. Part of it. That's true.

So you're telling me after 40 years of living on Earth, I'm nothing more than a vibrator. I'm a rabbit. I'm a tool in some alien's bedside drawer so they can pleasure themselves. With Wi-Fi. I really am, Daddy.

You, uh, I mean, I don't know. All I'm going to say is the Matrix is a documentary. Wow. I don't want to go too crazy. These are just my beliefs. I know you believe some of it. No, I believe a lot of it. Honestly, I like your beliefs.

I think, men, Men in black is low-key. Men in African-American. Thank you. Is low-key, like they put the stuff out through comedy, but they really want you to know that it could happen. I believe, I believe, I don't close my... Beep!

That thing? Where am I? Exactly. Harlan, Joshua, you. What were we saying? Have you ever been to Joshua tree? Yeah. What's that?

Have you, do you know what an orange is? Beep! what is orange i think it's the new henry the new african-american orange is the new african-american do you know the name of your show no it's called the henry highway beep henry are you there henry hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than

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discount and 100% free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out and re just saying yeah no i like it i like these conversations too much no i love it i can't get deep enough down that rabbit hole you can go well you can go deep my daddy can go real deep yeah you burrow i burrow i go i go strata i go to the deepest strata a layer of the earth's cross they say that you have an apartment down there oh i'll dig until i bump my fucking forehead on a trilobite fossil they're that that really oh they're down there because they were one of they were the earliest of the dinosaurs the trilobites it's all burrow to my fucking sharday sized forehead bounces right off one of their scaly wrinkly asses you sound like a Bart Gomer's relative.

Yeah, I am. I'm his son. You too. Wow. Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me.

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wearable art at harbling.com today and thank you for your support and I'll just keep the the groovy images coming speaking of aliens let's dial it down now to the terrestrial plane all right normal what are we doing with the illegal aliens geez you want to go there oh yeah guy because you know we got all these illegal aliens coming over, right? And everyone's like, well, Trope wants to build a wall for $20 billion and we don't want to spend money.

I got a solution. What? Instead of building a physical wall, why don't we not spend $20 million, but spend next to nothing higher mimes? Everyone hates mimes. They're always out of work. Yeah.

We just put one every like two miles just going like this. right right on the border of USA and Mexico mimes and all the illegals are standing on the second holy fuck Trump built an invisible wall let's get the hell out of here man we're terrified no one's coming over that way what did the guy say again holy fuck Trump built an invisible wall let's get the hell out of here homes they have me they have a wall can i hang yeah is that legal can i do that yeah they hang dude and you don't have to pay mine are you every time they go for lunch they just like are you saying that yeah exactly they're always eating they're always eating apples they're always eating

that apple exactly they love fucking apples these minds yeah they do and they they always drinking something with a straw yeah yeah so the higher mimes fucking solve how many mimes are we putting on top of each other that's like a big or is it just one it's just one oh so you got a whole they can just go like this and the you know okay it's like holy fuck we don't even know how tall it is homes we can never get over that one holy fuck that's what you think right that's not a bad idea cheap boom cheap you know what though with all here's the thing i'm a canadian i Yeah. I came down legally through Canada to the U.S. Well, and now there's stuff going on where the world's going chaotic. America's like,

they say sometimes America's on the verge of civil war. So about three weeks ago, my guy, I snuck into Mexico. No. I got my citizenship. I went down to the Rio Grande. There's a little Western shop out there. And some guy had a taxidermy.

me buffalo okay i bought it got inside of it went down into the swam across the river as a buffalo got to the other side met a coyote no i got my citizenship i think i have it here somewhere where is it there it is hang on yeah i got papers guy i got documentation look at this read that says yeah mr william yeah One me, mecos, oh, one mehico. One Mexico. Yeah. Mr. William won Mexico citizen paid. Yeah.

12,000. Yeah. U.S.D. And it says, ficle. Official. Oh, official. Yeah. Mr. William.

On an Ortega. Official. On an Ortega. Rapper. Rapper. Well, that's, it's still says official. I think you got 12 grand dude I don't know if that's a legit guy dude it's legit paid it's it's paid guy anybody can just take a stamp and put that on there yeah but I handed him 12k

cash I had it in the buffalo yeah and so that's your that's your actual documentation dude they made it not me okay but they didn't even smell Mexico right well that's how they say We've been saying it wrong. We say Mexico. If you ever talk to a Mexico, they go, yeah, welcome to Mexico. Mexico. Right, so this is the real spelling. Okay, to ease.

Yeah, and just like Canada, people think there's a sea on it. It's Anada. Anada. Yeah, people call it Canada. It's Canadian say Anada. Anada. Canada. Yeah.

Or Cuba. You know, you ever been to Cuba? Cuba. Oh, oh. Right. Cuba. Cuba. Cuba.

Cuba. Or as the layman calls it Cuba. Oh. Idiots. Like they say cassidilla. Yeah. Cacidia. By the way, before I left Mexico, I had a gordelia.

A gordelia. Yeah. And I was still in the buffalo costume, so someone had to feed it to me. Here. I hear the helicopter. Wow, you hear that? Don't fuck around. Dude.

you live streaming this father that's been out there for about four hours now dude say what you want but that was a loud one one of the odds that felt like a thumper a double winger felt like debor Debra Winger to me.

Yeah. An officer and a gentleman. I was going to say that was a military movie. You don't do that again. Do you want a job down at the wall? Because you're a really good mime. Let me see you do this. Oh, you're hired, bro.

Yeah. They do something with the roll. They go, oh, yeah. And they always pull the rope too, right? Yeah. I always do. Yeah. what the fuck are they pulling anyways a mountain it's always so hard there's always in some kind of

tug-of-war aren't they what are they pulling an 18 wheeler it's like dude pull something light just grab a rope and just go like that yeah oh dude i liked moms for a second i can ride you're not going to believe me okay i lie a lot no no only about joshua tree I like the physicality of clowns. I think Robin Williams, God bless him. It started with clown stuff, but I can juggle. You can? Yeah, and I can also ride a unicycle.

That's going to sound like a lie. No. But I was into clowning for a minute. Can you ride a unis? But my being is hard. It has to take a whole class for that. You were pretty good. I thought you were really good

I could see you on the border in about six months just working your ass off by the way, are you hungry? Well, it depends what you got. I got an apple. Why do they always eat an apple?

Why can't they have a fucking lobster thermidor? Full. It fills your hand out. Your apple is there. That's what it is. How do we know they're not, holding a butt plug though that's a huge one

god what kind of fucking butts are you dealing with well William Shatner that's a yeah a butt in the butt jeez that's a biggie what are we talking about rosie she caught astray right now geez this is

you could do shot put with that butt plug that came from xenon six You could fill a dyke with that butt plug. There goes the helicopter again. That's a fucking tentacle. Yeah. They, dude, that was a tentacle.

What do you mean? That would look like a tentacle of that butt plug you had. Oh, wow. The base of that thing was, it was on. Yeah, that was a big boy. Do you want to go even crazier? Yeah. All your mountains.

Yeah. In L.A.? Yeah. The hills. Okay. Don't tell me. they're alive with the sound of music. Well, they could be.

They say that they're resting dragons. Ooh. That mountains are dragon's spine. And they're just sleeping dormant. Yeah. And we're driving over them like Mahalans a dragon. Dragon. Laurel Canyon's a dragon.

Dragon. I know it sounds crazy. These are just rumors? The grapevine into Bakersfield is a dragon. That's more like a. Like an octopus. Wow. Yeah.

So they're just sleeping dormant. That everything you think is petrified is asleep. And they can be awoken. And that giants ruled the earth. Well, wait a minute. Petrified is different than dormant. Whatever. Just go with it.

Sorry. It's like a rock. Okay. No, it's not. You could be dormant. You could be dormant. Okay. I could also be a doorknob, but if you want me to be a doormat.

Doormat. Yeah, you could be dormant. Okay, I could be dormant, but I think rocks are alive. So, okay, well, hold on, yes, because trees, plants also make sounds. Do you know about that? Yeah, trees make sounds. So if you take powdered milk and make it with water, it becomes milk again. Okay.

So maybe I'm not describing it right because I'm not a scientist. But if the mountains are petrified, or they could be dormant, but they're hard. Right. So there's like a layer of crust on them, whatever I meant by that. Okay. Whatever it is, it's something that could awake. Huh. Don't they say that in Finland about trolls, too?

The giant trolls and then they all of a sudden the mountain stands up and it's a living troll. Dude. Dude. Do you ever see troll hunter? Yeah. Dude. Dude. Dude, dude, where's my troll?

Dude, where's my troll? I auditioned. Drewd, where's my dragon? Yeah, dude. Dude. It was a fuck. That troll, trolls, trolls tripped me out. Yeah.

And it was nothing but it was a huge, how's it a troll, it's huge. Yeah. Dude, do you troll, are you with trolls? Are you in the trolls? Love them. Love them. You're in the trolls. Love trolls.

You're down with trolls. Yep. What about the tree fairies? I'm trolling you right now. I know you are. I know how fairies. Easy. I took a fairy.

Where'd you take them behind Dairy Queen? Wow. By the A and Dub. Wow. I don't care. What sauce is it? Horsy. We played horsey.

And then we rode the horse. Well, I think rocks are alive because, you know, they say dinosaurs went extinct from meteorites and the ice age. but I think dinosaurs went extinct because they were eaten by rocks. Every time you cut open a rock, there's a damn dinosaur inside. So I think rocks killed the dinosaurs. It makes sense. It makes sense.

I mean, every third rock you crack open. and there's a T-Rex or a stegosaurus or an alliosaurus, a diliptodon. Yeah, deliptidons are big. They're big in Burbank. They're big. Delipidons. Yeah. Did you see the dinosaur is in the rock?

Yeah. What's the official story? Because I like yours. Is that they morphed into it and they fossilized? So they died, laid down in the dirt ground, in the riverbed on the ground. Yeah. The sediment collection. and boom preserved the body to a degree the flesh decayed and the weight of the settling

ensuing ground moved by glaciers and the pressure encased said dinosaurs bones and they became fossilized through the calciated uh process of rexstatonius mintryon Rex Titanius Mentron. Yeah. I remember that part of it. Yeah. So why? So there's a Burbank.

Yeah. At Olive and Hollywood Way, I think, there's a gas station and it has a dinosaur on it. Oh, yeah, Sinclair's. So it's basically saying that we get our gas from dinosaurs. Right. So when you- Fossil fuels. Right.

That's a fossil. Yeah. When you fill up your Prius, you're shoving a terradact. and an alliosaurus and a rectodon into your gas tank pretty much thank you dinosaurs yeah thanks dinosaurs for getting me to the mall yeah getting me to western bagel thanks terex for getting me to cracker barrel yesterday yeah love you thank you taradactyl for taking me to the outlets thanks bronosaurus for getting me over to the in-and-out drive-thru. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. Velapus, velociseptor. Velasarobsters. For taking me to flappers in Burbank. Oh, yeah. My favorite strip joint. You flaps.

Oh, yeah. I had a schlitz over there once. You got a big. Wow. They, the schlitz, you can get a tall boy. Because usually they have a 20-ounce schlitz. Oh. That's a big schlitz.

Yeah, it's a huge. slits warm or cold uh you like you like i said i'm a cold guy but you like him warm you like him warm especially a 20 inch or a 20 inch schlitz hey everybody my brand new book uncle milton is here at last it's a collection of strange but wonderful short stories and you can read that along with some of my other books i bet you didn't know that i wrote books did you it's a little secret i've had we have craved with zombie stories and we have journeys people's harrowing tales of their journeys through Life, Sex, Sin and Satan, where we explore some darker themes, and don't look under the bed, some Twilight Zone S stories for bedtime reading at Harlan Williams.com.

Oh, buddy. 20-ounce switches, too. I think we almost exhausted my seven viewers. I think, like, we went, we went down all these rabbit holes. We didn't even start yet. Yeah, you're right. Let's start the podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

We're going to start today's show with the final segment, and you know what it is. Jamie because you've been here before words from a wooden shoe ladies and gentlemen oh yes and this is where our excellent wonderful honorable guest reaches into our our wooden duchy pull out a word and see if somewhere in that word there's a story from your journey in life whether it was you or a friend or something you saw what's your word my guy wow what is it Crying Unexpectedly. That's two words.

Yeah. That's two words. In English, it is. Yes. Cry in your new town. This would be called Crying. Cailliscese.

Craying. Oh, yeah. You speak Spanish, huh? We just put a little flavor on there. Yeah. Crying unexpectedly. Oh, wow. I get to tell you.

Can I tell you this story? Please. That's why words from a wooden shoe. Let's hear it. It's kind of crazy. It's during COVID. Okay. We're doing a lot of postmates.

Okay, the food delivery service to your house? Yeah. Does this go to like the Ozarks? You act like people don't know what postmates is right there. This goes all over the wall. world does it go to the ozarks i got someone in a fiji right now okay so so fiji needs ozark smoking mountains yeah okay and i order now there's a hut and there is a hut in los felis that has a michelin star burrito you know what that is i sure do and i was there oh oh where they make them where

they come from wow keep going anyway they had something on the menu called a galaraga cactus taco galahara in english a shot in her well go ahead you just jumped the thing but yeah i get i order my chicken tinga i order my carnitas but what do i decide to try the galahara cactus taco they put cactus in you have ever had cactus no the cactus is edible yeah people i'm not joking especially the Latino people yeah they love cactus well they put it in a taco and do you know about what cactus does it pricks you no they take the pricks off and you go you literally are you become a human shatner and i stayed and i i was on the ball I don't want to be gross.

I shatnered it up at least a whole season, and I was crying unexpectedly. Really? I was like, God, Jesus, it was cactus. It was cactus. I'm not trying to be gross.

It was cactus. You had cactus, wow. Thank God they took the pricks out. I know. Could you imagine it gets halfway out and it gets stuck in your calumari ring? The pricks. Point, point, point.

But people do put a prick in a caliomari ring. That's a different part of town. That's in West Hollywood. Yeah, but I literally eat a cat. Don't eat a cactus if you don't. And I'm not, and I used, do you ever do it? You're like, oh, my God. Make your stuff.

No. Like it's, like, it's, oh, yeah, you want to make it stuff because it's fire. Really? Yeah, you would, you would, you would need horse, like, And you think it was the actual cactus that caused it, or was it the meat? No, the meat's amazing. Wow, that was the first time you'd ever tried the cactus, so you knew that was a new thing in your body. You'd never had your whole life.

Yeah, and I'd heard about this. And your body went, oh, hell no. Hell no. I ain't do it. Daddy don't play no cactus now, player. Mm-hmm. Oh, hell no. And it got right out of me.

That sounded like a. Wow. How long did it take? No, it's in there. It's in that like you... I don't want to be gross, but you go. And then it's all of this... It's just just sad.

You feel like there's still feel pain. You feel pain. And then you got to go. There's nothing there. It was all through the night. But then I got through and I slept. I had to be honest, I slept like a Bambino. Oh.

Oh, wow. A bandito. A little shit baby. Yeah. God. That's the payoff. Squirt and sleep. S&S.

Wow. I think that's the name of the fucking pot. That's the name of the restaurant? Shit babies. Yeah, you can meet me to shit babies. Hey, welcome to shit babies. Oh, God. Don't bother sitting down because you're going to be doing it later on all night.

Oh, my God, buddy. I had an unexpected crying thing happen like literally three days ago. It was the weirdest thing. This is for real. I'm watching TikTok, and there's a clip of these soldiers at some cemetery in the States. I forget the name of it, no disrespect. But these soldiers, I think it's the grave of the forgotten soldier or something.

And there's three soldiers, and one of them walks out there almost like robots. They walk out like this and they grab the other soldier's gun and they go like this. And then they flip it over and they go, and then they look at the soldier and they go. And then they flip the gun around and they go. And then they flip it up and they go. And then they give it back to the guy. It's so mechanical. Yeah.

It's so exquisite. Yeah. And when you look at it, you go, what are they doing? It looks like they're almost doing the robot dance. And then I realized just without anyone saying it or maybe I'm just interpreting it, but I realized every one of those mechanical steps and movements is a precision move, and in my interpretation, each movement so choreographed perfectly between the three of them is a tribute to their fallen comrades.

The finesse they put into it, every single move is with each move, they're going, we miss you, we respect you, we honor your service, we honor your glory. And I just started welling up. it was like it was at first it's like oh this is like a weird who would do this and then they're they're marching and they're clicking their shoes and then i sort of realized i think every movement they do is a tribute to these these fallen comrades and it really it really moved me like i really actually started welling up i was like whoa that weird it's funny one the weirdest things make you cry or make you that emotional that's beautiful

It was. You should try and watch it on YouTube or something. But when you watch it through that prism, it's kind of like, and I don't even know if that's why they're doing it, but that's how I perceived it. That's beautiful. No, I believe that. That's correct. Respect to the following. Because it's so disciplined. Everything, even their eye movements, everything. And that discipline is what I interpreted would be a tribute to the discipline of a soldier, a soldier giving their life over for their fellow citizens, for their country, for a higher cause. And so each movement maybe almost represented another soldier to me. Like, soldiers, soldiers, soldiers.

So like you, we recognize you. We cherish you. We honor you. And when I started thinking of it like that, I go, why are they doing this? And I just started getting emotional because it was, there was such dedication to it. Yeah, no. It was just, it's beautiful. It was really beautiful.

It's the ending, it's, I forget that's a name for it. Is there a name? Yeah, I don't know the name for it. They play the taps at the funeral, so I think it's tied into that. Yeah, at the taps, they do a lot of that too. But this is like a whole, like the guy walks across the thing like a robot. Honor Guard. Yeah, Honor Guard.

And then he meets the other guy and does this whole thing. Then he walks all the way. But you got to watch it on YouTube or something. I think that is what you said it is, by the way. I think it's complete honor, honor the soldier, honor the soldier, honor the practice, honor the service. It's funny that I didn't know, but that's just through the visualization of it. That's what I interpreted. And that's the energy that I felt.

And the fact that maybe you're verifying, that's exactly what that demonstration is, is interesting that I picked up on that. A very insightful guy. Unbelievable. That was a lot more deep than my cactus story. Well, your cactus story was deep, but then it wasn't deep because it all came out. And I want to give you this so you can go down and get a fresh burrito and just use my name. At the cactus hut? Yeah.

Okay. Have fun in Mexico. Thank you, buddy. Buddy, will you please plug everything? I hate to use the word plug after your episode on the toy. But if you could tell the fans where they can see you on your comedy tour, tell me about your amazing podcast, tell me about any movie projects coming up. Well, we have a great movie called Wingman.

Yes, and just so you know, in the future, we're going to have another episode where we have you on and we'll, once Wingman, we find out when it's coming out and where we'll have you on and we'll show clips and everything. Oh, I love that. Yeah, yeah, we can talk about it. But tell them about what's going on in your life. I've got that. I've got,

I do a radio show once a week on Sirius XM called Jeff Lewis Live. I'm on tour at jamie kane.com. My podcast is, I hate to break it to you. I just had Harlan. He was incredible on it. Riot. We had a riot.

We went down another rabbit hole. Yeah. And I have a Patreon for stuff that you can't really talk about on YouTube. And that's it. Just go to my website. Yeah. And don't tell them about your stand-up tour where they can see your stand-up tour. You know what?

I haven't booked any dates yet this year. Okay. But go to my website, Jamie Kennedy.com. Yeah. But I'm putting a tour together. It's going to start probably in May. Probably, yeah. Folks, Jamie Kennedy, buddy, thanks for being here.

Thank you, buddy. Folks, watch the skies. Yes, watch the skies. Until next time, you've been on the Hall of Highway podcast. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. Wow. Dude. you want to go for a shotner i'd like to go for a a squartner uh i'm busy for the rest of my life

this what i used to take busy i can't do it yeah totally booked have fun no Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one.

Your very own personalized Harland. Well, we're here today, folks, to talk about the possibility of the war ending between the Ukraine and Russia. Is there a solution? Is there a way to finally bring the bloodshed to a stop? And we thought it best that we go to, you know, someone who's just a seasoned, a military person, a veteran, still actively working at Camp Pendlington in the military. He's been in several theaters of war. Colonel Tom Navy SEAL, Green Beret, Lieutenant, Governor, Sergeant Staff Major, Tom Dowdy is on the line. to help us go over this, sort it out, make sense of it, and see if there is a solution. Sir, are you there, Captain Dowdy?

Go ahead. This is Major Corporal Tom Dowdy. Yes, yes, sir. How are you today? Please provide security currents. Over? Yes, sir. It's Harlan Williams from the Harland Highway Podcast. uh say again the harland williams from the harland highway podcast and one more time civilian and lose the attitude lose it real hard and lose it real fast sir it i apologize if it sounded aggressive i was just trying to speak loudly and enunciate a harland williams from the harland highway podcast. Stand by. Yes, sir. Sir?

Colonel Dowdy? You have been cleared. Go ahead, civilian, proceed, commence, and walk softly and carry a big stick. Yes, sir. We were calling to get your take on the possibility of the war between the Ukraine and Russia, finally coming to a ceasefire and maybe even better, a complete and final stop. Let me tell you something, civilian. War never stops. Hatred, bloodshed, and conflict are wired into the human DNA and trying to stop war. is like Dolly Parton trying to stop a giant Thanksgiving loaf from swirling down the toilet.

Sir, okay, that's a little odd. Isabel? I mean, think about war. History was shaped by war. Modern civilization, was shaped by war. half of the machines and the technology that we have today is a result of human beings entering into war. Now, why don't you put that in your little gunny sack and go down in the basement and duct tape your face to a chimney? Sir, that sounded a little hostile now, but you made a point.

I guess the, you know, the civilization sort of, Florida was built on the back of war. Oh, it was built on her back, all right. It was built on her back when she was bent over with her little duster, dust in the coffee table, and all of mankind was sitting on the couch watching. Well, her little black skirt lifted up just ever so slightly. And a little...

A little white-ass cheeks poked out like a little baby elf peeking out from behind a blueberry bush. Sir, sir, let's not stray you here now. I get your analogy about war and the violence and the heart of human beings. No, we're not violent, civilian. We're downright barbarians. You have human beings that will walk across the Arctic. guys, to blood in a baby sealed a death with a baseball bat with a nail inside of it. Well, that's graphic imagery, sir.

We've got people to roll a fat person down a hill just to get a chocolate bun cake. Sir? Just to get a chocolate bun cake. A bun cake, sir? You heard me. we've got humans that are so disgusting they'll stuff a baby into a gopherole let the gopher chew its legs off

with their rotten yellow teeth and use their fibia like a toothpick sir this is a can we stick to the Ukraine and Russia oh you bet your ass I'll stick to it like a dead dragon fly stuck to your car on a hot summer day when you're driving down the diarrhea highway. Sir, please.

Now, there's hints that people have alluded, politicians have alluded, that maybe there's going to be an end of this horrible conflict where millions of people are dying and are displaced, and the level of destruction is...

Don't tell me about the level of destruction. I was in Vietnam on Vietnam on sir That's code for Vietnam Well it doesn't seem like it's a real I mean a deep code I feel like he could just move some letters One more word out of you

And I send a rocket launcher Straight up your dirty Armenian ass Sir I'm not Armenian and that's unconsored called for let's not start singling people out you mean the armenians yes the armenians the italians anyone let's just stay away from any ethnicity and armenian armenian armenian sir why did you say it three times because betel juice was armenian sir betel juice was not armenian why are we talking about this Sir, can you offer some insights and perhaps some possible strategies for this horrible conflict to cease? You bet I can.

I was in Vietnam for four tours of duty. I went so deep into the Bien-Bien food jungle. It smelled like a salad bar after a fatty and rolled his way out of a Burger King with two cheese slices. on their tits. Sir, I mean, yes. And? Let me tell you, when you're in Vietnam, an army ants have made a summer home in the crack of your ass,

and tarantula have spun a web in your pubic air so thick, you could catch a howler monkey jumping from tree to tree. Have you ever had a howler monkey stuck in your pubis civilian? Sir, people do not. not get monkeys stuck in their pubic hair. Oh, really? Well, why don't you sniff my scissors? Why would I sniff your scissors, sir?

Because I had to chop. I had to cut a Chinese Brazilian mongo monkey. Sir? I had to cut a Chinese Brazilian mongo monkey out of my pubes in the middle of the night in the Vietnamese Biennian food jungle So why don't you put that In your peach basket

Make some cobbler And slap your grandmother In the face with a donkey cock Sir, would you Ukraine and Russia, please? I'm trying to tell you that war is war civilian And when I was in Vietnam

Just when you thought The bullets stopped flying just when you thought the enemy was going to stop jumping up from their underground tunnels. Just when you thought the jungle was going to stop eating you alive. Yes, sir. Pop-a-dop, wibbilly-dop, pop-lid-dop, da-dibble-dop. What is that, sir? It's an old Greek saying.

An old Greek saying, meaning... You fuck, sir. seven times to pancake tuesday pancake tuesday sir the ukraine and russia what you've got happening in those two countries is male level testosterone civilian have you heard of that i have heard of it sir i'm a man well that's debatable sir judging by your voice i get the sense you wear you like yellow leotovie purple leather slippers, and you run around with a blackenedcker vibrator hanging out of your tail like a backwards.

A backwards. You know what I'm going to say. Sir, don't say it. Do not say it. Like a backwards ambillical cord. Now listen here. Sir, can you please? This boils down to test.

You said that, sir. What does that mean exactly? It means this is a pissing match. It means this is the male ego. And none of them want to sit down. None of them want to be the loser. The Ukraine has its chest puffed out so far. It looks like Dolly Parton at a spinal biff at a festival. Sir, if you could not. And Russia, well, they've got their chest. out so far if they got breast cancer, they'd have to make 42 cuts just to chop them off. Sir, can we not make breast cancer comments? Now, what do you mean that they're full of testosterone?

Okay, you've established that. So how do you settle a war between two people who are so amped up that they can't see the end of the conflict? You team them up together. That's right. Like a couple of Fly boys at one of those funny bars downtown on a Saturday night. Sir, can we not? You aim the regression at a third party. Wait a minute. Okay. Well, what are you saying? What I'm saying is Russia's got testosterone. Ukraine's got testosterone.

Neither of them want to back down. Okay. So you join them together. and you let them unload their toss-tostron on a third party. Wait a minute. What do you mean? Instead of blowing each other up, instead of shooting each other up and decimating the towns of villages and cities,

instead of leaving the citizens dying in a potato field like ladybugs that just fucked the backside of a VW beetle. Sir, stay focused now. You get them to join forces, and name the regression at a smaller, weaker, more vulnerable country. Well, wait a minute now. You wait a minute. Have you ever vacationed in Bermuda? Bermuda, sir, yes, I've been there. It's a beautiful, small, tropical island that... I don't need you to tell me what it is, because to me, it's a flirting piece of cow shit.

and the people on it have flies, and it's nothing more than a target. Wait a minute, sir. Those are some harsh words. You want this word to end or not? Well, here's how you do it. You take two amped-up countries like Russia and Ukraine, who got nothing but gunpowder up their ass and a sack of freeze-dried potatoes right out of your grocer's freezer. Sir?

And you get them to point their weapons at that little dipshit country they call Bermuda. Open fire. Sink that fucker into the sea deeper than Atlantis, as if it was fucking the Titanic right up the rim hole. Sir, would you stop with the dirty analogies here? Do you want to find a solution of this or not, pumpkin pie face? I'm not a pumpkin pie face, sir. Pardon me, rhubarb pious. I'm not a rhubarb pious.

Are you crazy? You're talking about Russia and the Ukraine turning the regression on Bermuda, a small island that's like 19 miles long and 10 miles across in the middle of the ocean? Exactly. Nobody's going to know it's missing. Nobody cares. It looks like a giant omelet floating. on the sea. And you know what I like to do with omelets?

I do not, sir. Have you ever been to the motel six? Yes, sir. And they have that sign in the lobby that says breakfast in bed. Okay. I like to eat an omelet down in the lobby. Go up to the room, shove my fingers down my throat, and pupe that omelet all over the sheets. Why would you do that, sir?

Because that's what you call breakfast in bed, you dirty little monkey sniffing whore. I'm not a monkey sniffing horse, sir. Can we stop? You cannot just blow up Bermuda so that the two other warmongering countries can ease their tensions and then settle back into normalcy. Oh, really? Have you ever opened a bottle of champagne and put the cork up your ass? Now listen here. like you have, but the only thing is you got to eat a bean burrito to pop it out, you dip serious sniffing fart machine.

Sir, what is, have you been drinking? Maybe I have, and maybe I haven't, but you'll never know, because I'm at an undisclosed location. Where are you, sir? I'm in between your wife's legs, and I got to tell you, it's warm. it's hot it smells like salt water taffy and it's softer

than candy floss and a kid's hair and all you can eat fairground sir I think I think we're gonna end this I don't think blowing up Bermuda

is any type of solution I really think you sort of missed the mark Oh is that right fairy boy well why don't you jump on your poker stick and bounce down to diarrhea river

and jump in with your fucking hockey helmet on. Sir, that is uncalled for. You're getting aggressive. You want to know aggressive. Try skinning a Vietnamese soldier in the middle of the night with a butter knife. And then once you get their skull cap off,

you lick their forehead and say, I can't believe it's not brought up. You did what? I can't believe it's not butter. You can't believe it's not butter. That's right, Simco Smith and the Smelly Wellie Smog machines. I'm not Simco Smith and the Smelly Wellie Walk. You know what, sir?

We're going to go now. Thank you for your expert advice. I'll see you in half an hour. What does that mean? I'm coming to your house to finish the ride. What ride? sir would you fuck off pimple face sir what the what is he well i'm not even married what the you know what i don't know why i even call this guy he just he i always think he's going to have

the answer but then he's all he just goes off the track