The Harland Highway - JASON ELLIS on the fighting side of life, slugging it out with the good, the bad, and the SEEDLINGS!

Episode Date: October 28, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Hims and Chubbies: -Your new wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code [HARLANDHIGHWAY] at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/[HARLANDHIGHWAY] #chubbiespod -To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit Hims.com/harland. Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Jason Ellis: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/wolfmate/?hl=en Website: https://thejasonellis.com/ srsltid=AfmBOorpeYS1W8mh9iYZpRXAr41au3wEI3oI35eskvsBpBTiHbK-gplM #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is it the matcha, or am I this energized from scoring three Sephora holiday gift sets? Definitely the sets. Full size and minis bundled together? What a steal. And that packaging? So cute. It practically wraps itself. And I know I should be giving them away, but I'm keeping the Summer Fridays and Rare Beauty by Selena Gomez. I don't blame you. The best holiday beauty sets are only at Sephora. Gift sets from Summer Fridays, Rare Beauty, Way, and more are going fast.

Get full-sized favorites and must-have minis bundled for more value. Shop before they're gone. In-store online at Sephora.com. But one time I met a guy, he had a penis, and balls, and a, and a vagina. He had all of them. Where did he keep them? In there area. So the vagina was beside the weiner? No, it was under the balls.

Because that's a guy you can easily look him in the eye and say, go fuck yourself. And he could. We're all in the hall in highway. We're all singing in the cinnamon in the springtime. Put a chuckleberry muffin on your radio dial. There ain't nothing but smiles on the hauling highway. I don't want to hear from anyone. Me, Lord.

Ever. Well, you don't want to hear from anyone ever? Oh, really? I mean... Are you an isolationist? Is that one? No. I don't like people.

If my horse could call me, then yeah, I would like to receive a call from him. From your horse? Yeah. You have a horse. Yeah. Do you know what century we're in? Most people have cars. I'm against this century.

You're anti-centrist. Yeah, I'm anti-centurist. You're not? I've got a yak. That makes sense. You seem like a yak guy. I like to yak a lot. That, yeah, that all adds up.

Do you ever ride your yak or you just yak with it? I say, what now, hey, hey, what now, hey what now? So you don't ride it, you just yak with it then. Did you say ride it? Yeah, ride it. Okay. I didn't pick up on that word there. What do you think I said?

I just heard like, you make it fun of where I come from? No, it was just a mum. Do you want me to go back? Is that where you would make you happy? Do you want to flip this desk? Because I could be racist too. Horses don't go backwards. All right.

Can a horse go backwards? Yes, they can go backwards. What world are you from? In. From? Ever. Stupid man. God.

Sounds like someone was just recently at the DMV. How'd you know that? What in the name of cauliflower soup simmering on your grandmother's lap? Are you talking about? First bit sounded tasty, but the other part really, I have no longer into soup at all. Get real sour. Yeah, something about old people.

Have you ever eaten soup out of your grandmother's lap? Oh, no. You will? You think? She's dead. First person ever loved me. Your grandmother? Yeah.

Oh, talk about that. I made her go down a one-way street once. Oh, no. Yeah. Which way? The wrong way. Yeah. Yeah, we were going, I wanted to get a video game when video games,

the first ever Donkey Kong game boy, like it flipped out. You could play, it was black and white, not color, because I'm very old, just like you. and I was like go this way and she listened to me and I was like 11 and I made her go down a one way street she was rich and she had a mini a real crappy old mini

she didn't want a good car yeah she was such a like gangster like reality based human being she was like why would I want a fancy car I was like because you got money to get one yeah her husband had one he ended up when she died her husband had a mini

nah he had a fancy car He had a gold Mercedes-Benz, and she had a pile of shit, a little mini, like, oh, a brown one. It was like, it sucked. It was really shit. And then when she died, he married a lady that was the same age as my dad, and my dad was not very happy about that. And then she left him, took his money, and then my granddad became a lady. Folks, my special guest today, Ancestry.com. Can we not go through your whole family tree?

Sorry, you talked about old people that triggered me. I know, but then you rambled on about your whole tapestry of everyone in your family. I've got a podcast to do. I have been known to yak. I happen to own a yak. I know. That's why I was trying to bring it back full circle. Synergize, if you will.

Well, yaks can go backwards, but they can't go in a circle. I don't know if you know that. I did not. Now you do. Yaks are pretty useless then. Yackety yak. Don't talk back. Oh, right.

My horse goes backwards and does circles. He did a circle with me the other day and threw me face first off him and that was funny. Really? Yeah, one of my favorite things to do is ride my horse, but when he kicks me off,

that's even funnier. Wow. You ever take him out into the corn into a crop circle? No. But I don't know. You like vegetables? Yeah, can't you tell?

Huge veggie. Yeah. Love a good veg. Also, love to tackle, you mean a beast and kill and eat it as well Kill a beast Oh yeah I'll eat the What do you mean

Can you cuss on this? Yeah you can cuss I'll eat the shit out of a Out of a 100% Grass-fed cow Which is weird because I love cows Because they're friendly like dogs Yeah

But I got to be jacked And like if I have to be jacked For a cow to die So be it A lot of people don't admit their assholes Not me You're an asshole Hell yeah

And so are you Wow Don't, a little bit. Well, a little asshole maybe. Which is cute, but still. I think of myself more as the bruised meat around the edges of an asshole. Wow. Yeah.

That makes me want to eat more vegetables. Eggplant? Are you referring to my crutch region? No, because I think you also have a mini. You'd be wrong, champ. Well, maybe I'd be right. You can't have it all. I don't have hair, but I'm packing.

Are you? Oh, yeah. How long? It's too long, some may say. See, the fact that you kind of hesitated? Yeah, because I think we're going a little too far into private areas. It's not really this kind. I don't like to talk about my privates.

Yeah, okay. Even though I did just brag about them, but that's beside the point. Well, why don't we get back to the question I had? Which was the DMV. Yes. Yeah. What happened? Why were you there?

Talk to me. They want to know. People love the DMV. And by the way, before we start, can you just establish some don't know what DMV stands for? If you could just... Department of Motor Vehicles? You didn't think I knew that, did you? No, they don't.

You guys are... You do. They don't. Them. You're breaking news. You're an idiot. They're idiots. Yeah. I'm talking to my camera.

Yeah. You're an idiot. Yeah. You that didn't know what DMV is. Yeah. Wake up, America. Can I get him on this? Department of Motor vehicles.

Yeah. You're idiot. Like he said, yeah, old day. At least we agree on something. Something, that's right. Okay, so you're at the DMV Department of Motor Vehicles. Dude, I go there to reissue my license because running out of time. And I go, hey, come to get my license, you know, I mean more time on the license because it's like out of date or whatever.

And they go, yeah, no problem. We've got to do the eye test again. I was like, yeah, because I've hit my head a lot. How many do you have? Concussions? Eyes. two one and a half one and three quarters it's an easy test but if i squint i can make my bad eye work oh wow yeah like i can make it focus i'm supernatural you should work with homeless people

squint and make them work i've worked with homeless people i make homeless people not act crazy how do you do that guy i'd look like this yeah yeah i see the guy's like i'm gonna take a poopie on the sidewalk in front of a lady and i'm like hey put that poopie back in your butt oh wow And they do. They'll pick it up and stuff it. Yep. That's called stuff a loaf. It is.

And it was also one of the Muppets. Was it? Stuff a loaf? Yeah. He was the one that shit on Sesame Street and then would stuff it back up as Velcro Arse. Oh. Yeah. Not snafaluficus.

Sounds like him, but it's his cousin. Stuff a loaf. Oh. Yeah. He'd shite all over Sesame Street. Cookie Monster and Kermit would step in it. And then he'd shove it up his velour. arsehole. Muppet poo doesn't bother me as much as human. It doesn't smell, yeah. It's almost

fun. Agreed. Yeah. Velcro butts are cute. Yeah, they smell like pea soup with a hint of bacon. I don't like where you keep doing soup. I think I don't like soup. I don't blame you after drinking it out of your grandmother's soiled crotch. What? Are you coming at me? You said you drank cauliflower soup out of your grandmother's crotch the minute we sat down. I said, no, I said I like One second. One hold. You're idiots. Just a quick reminder.

Go ahead. I don't like old people. Yeah. So you know you're going to be one one day and you're going to hate yourself. Yeah. Well, it's coming. Do you have a rifle? Yep, several.

You might want to shoot your own head off at about 72. Yeah. Well, I'm on steroids. So I think I can fight it. And I do stupid stuff. So I think I'll probably die before I'm really old. How do you think you're going to die? I already know.

Shut out of a cannon. Oh, wow. Yeah. Naked, jerking off, listening to Metallica. Whoa. Earbuds or Walkman? Oh, Walkman. I'm old school.

Yeah. Yeah. I can see you hitting a wall. There's a silhouette of your bloody corpse and just Walkman headphones. Yeah. Soundproof headphones just in case there's a baby crying because I also hate babies. Well, there are people too. Right.

But at the start and at the end, shut up. In the middle, like us. Yeah. That's who I hang out with. Have you ever been around a noisy baby? Yes. And it's crying in a restaurant or on a plane. And you just reach into your nightbag, pull out an eggplant and a wooden mallet,

put it in its mouth and just hammer and form a seal. I haven't had an eggplant, but I have hit a baby until it shut up. Yeah. Like a baby. You know, they used to club the seals, the baby seals, like that. Yeah. Which is crazy. You got to.

If you're crying, see. seal? I'm okay with it. But if you're crying baby, I will hit you. Well, it's because you're rarely out on the ice caps of the Arctic Ocean, but you're often on a plane or in a restaurant. Yeah. Yeah. You got to respect your own privacy and your own quiet space. If somebody brought a seal on the plane as a, as an animal that helps them stay calm. Like a service seal? A service seal? Yeah. I'd be okay with it. What about a Navy SEAL service seal?

Even more so, because I respect the troops a lot. Have you ever taken babies, like two babies? Because they have those sucklip. The suck lips. They love to suck on Hooters. And they're always sucking. I've done this, and I'm going to ask you if you've done it. Have you ever taken two babies and used them to climb up a wall with their suction lips?

I've used four because my feet were slipping. Oh, wow. What building do you remember? The Eiffel Tower. Oh, God. Potatoes love the Eiffel Tower. I like sweet potatoes. I don't like potatoes.

I don't like Irish people. I'm Irish. How much do you hate me, guy? Talk to me. I don't think you're 100% Irish. I'm not, but I'm Irish. How much do you hate me? That's the bit I like.

So you like the French Canadian in me, but not the Irish. Agreed. It's like when I sleep with Spanish people, they're like not all Spanish. In that bit I don't like. But the bit I'm, the Spanish bit, I'm definitely, I'm in that. When you sleep with Spanish people,

do you have that giant sombrero over your face? Usually. Okay. I also like to have bullet vests on both sides strapped. Yeah. And then I have two guns on others. Like the Rambo bullets type of the... Yeah.

But Rambo is a fake Spaniard. Yeah, yeah. Because the Spanish did it first. It's also a sex act in West Hollywood. Have you ever done the Rambo? Yes, I have done that. Any sex act in West Hollywood, just consider I've done that.

Have you done the peanut butter? Wow. Is there any, I might not know about that you've done that I would love to know about? But again, I don't wish to go down that. Yeah, we don't want to go there. So you were in the DMV. Yeah, and I was like, give me a new license because it's expiring. So let me ask you this. Do it. What happens if your license expires? You get in your car and you're like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, like you forget to drive because you're licensed and you're just like, you don't know how to turn the key the steering goes like

you're trying to switch gears like is that what happens when your license expires sorry I had a little that's okay no maybe your license is running out of date right now well maybe you don't even know how to spell license yeah no I don't for sure I don't know how to spell okay L I

C yeah C or S Fuck you, I'm not helping you You're cockheaded freak Wow, there's a lot of foul language I did not expect You got the penis head going

What's it's a beanie Well it looks like a mushroom cock head to me Your head Your hair looks like it's load Shooting out of an old dick Maybe it is Catch a Catch a

An old person's barrel wave How do you get it to stand up like that Judas Priest I crank it at 11 every morning Oh you electrify your head All right Okay so you're in the DMV I'd really like to get through this story

You know what I'm gonna start Ladies and gentlemen Because this story could go on the whole podcast So I at some point got to start Ladies and gentlemen Welcome to the Hall of Highway podcast My guy from another Rye

Jason Ellis is here he's a podcaster he's a comedian he's a skateboarder he's a man with a thousand and one stories from all over the planet he's a lover he's a hater he's a daughter and he's a son and he's a fighter yeah yeah you did a little you did a little UFC stuff right yeah I'm undefeated no way where'd you lose your feet no I'm undefeated oh I'm sorry no one has ever beaten me in a professional MMA fight really

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She can Google it. Sure dog me. So you used to fight mothers against mad drivers? Oh, yeah. I punched mothers too. What did you say? Babies, mothers and old people. You were a fighter in Mad, in what?

I was a fighter in Mad TV, it's true. MF, what was it, MF, what did you say? Mixed martial arts, MMA. MMA, I'm sorry. UFC is a brand, is an organization where they have MMA fights. It's like when you say rollerblading, it's not rollerblading, that's a company. Oh. Inlining is what it's called.

Oh, yeah, there's a lot of things like that. Like Kleenex is a brand name. It's not a tissue. People call everything a tissue, a Kleenex. Stupid. Idiots. And stupid. Yep, it's a combination.

Yeah. It's like a chicken rib dinner. Idiot stupid. Surf and turf. Makes no sense. Are you a conspiracy guy? Because it's obvious you're not going to tell me what you're doing at the DMC. I was trying to get my license renewed.

And then they said, yeah, and they did the eye test. and then he took a photo and then I was waiting for her to come in the mail and then it didn't come in the mail and then I call and go, hey, where's my license? And they go, you didn't do the eye test. And I was like, yeah, I did.

Actually, you got a witness as well. Actually, you wrote on the thing that it said that I did the eye test. And they go, well, come back in and show us that and then we'll give you your license. It's so stupid because the eye test is so easy unless you're a pirate,

you have two. Right. If you're a pirate, you should just be given a license without having to do any. test because you definitely know where you're going. Because to sail the seven seas is way more difficult than the 405.

Yeah. There's lines that show you where to go. Oh, the yellow and, yeah. In the seven seas, there's no lines. There's no lines. There is whale poo, which can be white and sort of float, but it goes with the current.

If you follow whale poo, you will go nowhere. Yeah. And everybody who's a pirate knows that. Everyone is a pirate. Is there really seven Cs or is there more? Is that an actual scientific calculation? Yeah, it's the seven Cs. There's seven Cs.

Yes. How many oceans are there? Oh, I don't know. Who cares? Well, maybe I do. I like the oceans. There's, well, that depends on who's the American sea. You're like a saltwater snob.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I like the oceans. Okay, there's 42 oceans. There's 42. No, there isn't. There is. That's what I say.

That's, okay. Well, then fair enough. I agree. Sea guy. Snob your ass. Why don't you go suck your own sea section? Go snob yourself, dude. Snob your saltwater taffy whore.

You should snob your own butt and then get someone else to suck it out. What time is it? Felching. I'd love to do that. You okay? No, you don't love to do that. I do. No, you don't.

I do. You fully don't. If I was at an altar with you, what would I say? Please don't. I do. Oh, right. Okay, yeah. I won that round.

Do you be married? Hello, snot goblins. Have you been married? I has. Right. I got a little nervous for a second. Has you? Yeah, a bunch of times.

Isn't it fun? How many? Like three? Oh, four more, and you could be the seven Cs. I'm not afraid to marry again. Really? Are you looking? Yeah, I think you can have everything I've got.

And then the next person could have the rest. Wait, so what went wrong the first three times? Me. What did you do, though? was the catalyst? What was the turning point? Of course everyone fights. Everyone has it. But what was the one thing that just went out? That there's no coming back. Having sex with a lot of other people. Really? So you were a cheater? You're, yep. Sounds like a serial cheater almost. Yeah, but when you're as attractive as me, it's really hard. What was that last word? Hard? No, it's hard. Attractive?

Attractive, yeah. Do you find me attractive? Sure, guy. Yeah. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. Can barely sit over here. That's what they usually say. It's usually like, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm turned on like a, I'm involved with somebody and they go, yeah, but if you see my boobies and I'm like, ooh, do I shouldn't? And they're like, well, too late, here they are.

And I'm like, please don't. And then, and then they, you know, but now God has saved me. Yeah. Now when you show me your boobs, I go, oh, are you okay? Like, is there anything like, is, like, can I get your dad to come and maybe drive your home? Because you need help. So God saved you from your compulsion to cheat and be filled with lust. I have no compil.

I don't care about it at all. Wow. So now a penthouse model could appear in front of you. And you'll be like, how are you? Nice to see you. If that. You look lovely. Have a nice day.

Yep. There would be no conflict or tration to try and try and. for diddle dunk her munggungle glink it's not even an argument anymore god has touched me oh well that in its own way is sort of not there okay here yeah you understand wow yeah so now yeah my afflictions are that's great it is but he i think it's way easier to like live would you say part of it is and i hate to use this word because i know none of us like it but was it was it partly god or was it also attributed to the maturing phase where you sort of wore out your welcome

of cheating and philanthropizing with women. You're like, you know what, I've done so many, I'm just bored, I don't want to do it, or was it directly God going, no, turn the other way, wild fingers? It was God. I love that. Yeah, because I had a thing where even after I got divorced the third time, I was like, I want to

sleep with the world. Every girl. Everybody. Oh, you were doing the fellers, too. Yeah, I'm pretty flexible. What about, I'm just going to throw it out her so they have context. I don't care. Yeah.

You're down at a shrimp dock, down at the harbor. I'm not asleep with a shrimp. You would, no, a shrieper, like a shrimp fisherman. Oh, was he really charismatic? Yeah, I'm just asking, would you bend him over a crab pod and power jack them? Yep, yeah. Okay, what about a subway driver in New York? You bend him over the third rail and power grind him.

Is this a guy? Yeah. No. So not a subway driver, but you would do a shrimper. If it was a female subway driver, then that kind of makes it okay. Okay. Okay. What about a sponge fisherman on the Mediterranean Sea?

You're on the bow. There's no such thing. Pardon you? There's no such thing as a sponge fisherman. Well, you might want to look in the bottom of your cereal box and see what's there, a crab claws. Well, if she's hot. Yeah.

I said he, because you said you power jock both. What about if she's a he, but she was a she? Oh, so you've, you've tranny trant. Oh, yeah, I love those. That's, uh, that was homophobic. You, it certainly was. Excuse you. No, I'm going to say it again.

Are you, he was tranny trant. Oh, that's how homophobic I am. I do it twice. I'm racist too. I'm not racist, but I'm tranophobic homophobic. I'm not too. Racic, sacrilegious is mololous, funopholic. I'm homophobic.

now, too. You are? Yeah, oh, yeah. How many of your phone? I don't call them anymore. Well, you just said you were homophobic. No, pho-phobic. Don't fuck with me, guys. I will fuck with you.

I'll change you up so fast. You'll think Maximus Prime just bent you over the third rail and hammer jacked you. I'm the wrong tranny, son. Okay. What was that one for? I homophobically bashed too. Oh, here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Finally. Yeah. Love the gays, though. They're great. You do? Yeah, just like over there. So you have no more vibe to go after a male. It's just all God who was a male.

Not into him like that. And I don't necessarily agree to that. Yeah, he might just be a all-encompassing force. I feel like that more. He's not gender-specific. God is love. God is love. To me. But if what he is to you or what she is to you,

totally acceptable. Not trying to fight about that. What God is to you is what God is to me. Well, then it's love. We have a mutual understanding. We don't agree on one GD thing ever, but we do agree that God is love. I agree to that.

You want to go for a pizza? Yeah, I like pizza. So does God. See? Yeah. We're like gods in a way, like Oasis. We're a God-like. You are?

Yeah. How? Well, when you do stuff that's so sweet, you kind of like God. you know what I do to be godlike have your hair stand up like that I'm going to come over there I'm going to grind some lettuce wraps in your eyes

and you're going to think you're a lettuce monster it's not going to go well for you I've fought in the MAD too yeah that sounds about right so here's what I do to be godlike and you might want to try this because it's very fulfilling yeah before Dada goes to bed at night

Dada that's daddy Is that what she calls you? No, this is what I call myself. You call yourself, Daddy? Dada. So, before Dada goes to bed with a C3PO sheets and pillow slips, can I finish? You have Star Wars sheets?

Yes. That's Godlike. I like to party. Yeah, now you're there, for sure. I've also got a Chewbacadillo. Now, I, before I should cut that off. Before I go to bed at night to be Godlike, I go to the panties. I go to the pantry and I get a jar of raspberry jam.

I'm listening. I take it and I put a dollop on the counter on the sink. Yes. I go to sleep when I wake up in the morning three to 400 little tiny brown ants. Dada doesn't wake up, but God does and God comes in and squishes each and every one of them under his thumb and God decides whether they live or die. God they control their lives that's brutal yeah but also God is brutal

yeah because God gives us the good and he presents us with the bad I believe brutal I learned that from the great Will Smith I like that word yes sometimes life can be brutal yeah yes I don't wear cologne myself but if I did I would probably adopt that saying right I do You were a brute

I like, no You just said you Oh, what kind of cologne do you wear I have two colognes One for like So you know Right And the other ones in Germany

No Now the other one's a friend That He died And I have his cologne Well there is a cologne in Germany He brings fun And he was a guy

That brought joy To so many people's lives So when I spray that on me I know that today is the day that I bring joy. Did he pass? Yeah. Sorry. This is where I get serious.

I don't believe you're going to. All the fun just, the comedy's stopping for a minute. He loved fun. He knew my Chinese neighbor? Yeah. More than you know. He was my other Chinese neighbor on the other side. Fun and no.

Yeah, he was pretty frisky. How about that? How did you know I lived in Chinatown? I've been around. So was your horse. Yeah, he has. Very similar to me. He was an athlete. Is your horse a mini? No, he's huge. He's 1,300 pounds. Okay. Your friend the past.

But I would if I had more money, a mini horse. Yeah. Do you know what brings joy to my heart? Saliva? No. Okay. You asked. I don't know. Nice try, I guess. Okay. Mini horses when they sprint. Oh, yeah.

It's so much fun. Yeah. Because they're too, they don't realize that their sprint is not good. Yeah. And they're very cocky with it. Yeah, they think they're like full. They think they're like Clydesdales, but they're trapped in a midgett's body. Yeah.

And it's like, I just hear the sound, you know, where they run. And it's embarrassing when you see them run full tilt and a guinea pig speeds past them. Yeah. It's really good. They don't know. They don't know. They are like, I'm pretty sure I'm quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They are idiots. And their brains, because their body's small, their brains are small. And so they're idiot horses. But like me, I don't think I have a big brain, but my soul, very smart. Your soul's smart. Talk to me about that. That's a term they haven't heard. And I'd like to explore that real quickly.

The soul makes the right decisions. It's just, can you hear your soul? And a lot of people block out their soul. with... I love this. Bullshit. Yeah, with noise. But if you cut out all the crap in life

and all the deep, jib, jib, jib, tic-tac-tac-crap crap and you just sit with yourself, your soul becomes very loud and very clear. And when you answer to the soul, all your decisions become very intelligent. Therefore, your soul is the smartest part of you. Can we take a moment and just let everyone sit with their soul for a second? Do you think you could slam the part of you?

pie hole shut just for a minute. Yeah. And we like slap that gobble hole. Yeah. Right now. A little soul sipping right at the end. That was nice. Yeah.

Agreed. I'm glad you found that because. it took you a while in your life to arrive to that place. Yes. But you did arrive and it must have brought you so much comfort and relief from your tumultuous playboy demented life. Yeah, no, fair. Yep.

Fair, really fair and I wasn't finished. Life is like one of those real soft furry blankets that you get at like. A sham wow. Yeah, no. Well, they're furry. No, they're not. Well, they're wowy. Yeah, but that's not furry.

You know the real soft ones? Oh, like a 1973 tennis players bush? Yes. Yeah. Man, I've had one of those put on me when I was younger. God. Not a story. I want to continue.

No. I bounce back just like her bowls. Wow. Yeah. Dude, I'm so glad you arrived at that place. Yeah, it's great to be here. Your life was like a Dairy Queen Blizzard, and now it's like a soft, puffy cotton candy.

Ferris will fart. Do you know cotton candy is called fairy floss in Australia? Fairy floss. Yeah. Also a sex act in West Hollywood. Yeah, I've done it. How many times?

Too many? I feel like two is too many. Were you a West Hollywood party boy? Did you ever go down there and like jump around at the rage and the upside down rusty sideburn and the pimento sea urchin clit or whatever these bars are called.

I sneezed one time and shit on a couch. You had to be there. Did they throw you out of IKEA? No, they just said there's a hose over there. Oh, no. Yeah, which was weird because there I was in the corner hosing the couch while everybody else was like, whoof. Really?

I was like, well, what do you want me to do? Just walk off on it because that's inappropriate. Yeah. I pay my dues. Oh, my God. I've paid in full. You've paid your dues time after time. They gave you fame and fortune and everything that goes with it.

You thank them all. Right? Remember the queen song? I do. She was great. The Queen Elizabeth? Yeah. Not that hot.

No. But the power she had. Yeah. Sexy. Would you spend a night with her in a Walmart sleeping bag? Not now. At the edge of the forest? Not now.

Not now. Back in the day? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I know. You're like a modern day night rider or night grinder. Night grinder does make sense, unfortunately.

Did you grind all night? Yeah. I was on that app a lot too. Yeah. Oh, you were? Oh, yeah. For real? Hell yeah.

See, now as a tough guy, as a fighter, as a tough-looking dude, it's confusing. You just seem to have no reservations about saying you've been with men, which some guys might think is sort of like tough to handle but you're like you're just like yeah I was with guys yeah no people say that if you do stuff with guys it makes you like weaker or something and I'm like that's crazy because everybody that's watching this like I could blow you

and you couldn't stop me so how am I weak? Yeah that's true. I can blow you right now you couldn't stop me right now? Yeah right now can we? No, what am I? I don't want to be. I don't want it either, but if I wanted it, you'd have it.

So like a sexual assault blow? Yeah, yeah, until you were like, yes, I will marry you. Wow. Yeah, so how am I weak? That's a thing. I'm not gay. I did some stuff. Yeah.

I did a lot of stuff. Like, suck a... Everybody. Not an animal, but everybody else. That's gay. Pretty gay. Yeah, yeah. But it's also another word that I don't think it would be good to use in his podcast.

How many weeners would you say you've sucked in your life? Hundreds. That's gay. Yeah, fair. How many arseholes would you say you hammer jacked in your life? Hundreds. That's gay. Yeah.

In a surprise. It's pretty... You're gay. Yeah. Wait. We're gay. I mean, you know what? If it's, if it makes you feel better, sure, I still am.

Oh, it's still in you? No. The gay? No, but I don't like to try to get out of it on behalf of the real gays of the world. Yeah. It's like, oh, you're trying to not be a part of it anymore? I don't want to engage in any of it anymore, but I'm not ashamed of it. When you were done.

I'm the day walker. I bring us all together. I thought you were the night grinder. I'm a lib-tired Republican, gay straight, fighting guy that has worn a dress. Wow. And I want everybody to realize that you're not that tough, you're not that cool, you're not that smart, you're not that anything. We're all one. We all came out of a vagina and you all love your mama.

So get over yourselves. What about da-da? Some of us don't love our da-da because we didn't come out of him. Well, you did. You know what I mean? No, I don't. Jizz into the box, then the box stews you up. The box does the work.

Let's be real. You little tadpole is not that amazing. When you were double dutching, when you were bouncing between the men's and the women's, what did you prefer more? Women. Okay. The men was just sort of a sidekick kind of experimental fun time.

Yeah, it was more, the crazier you looked, the cooler it was because I hadn't done that. Like if you were a lady and you had like eyeball tattoos and like giant fake cans, maybe a penis, maybe three. Yeah. One time I met a guy, he had a penis and balls and a vagina. He had all of them. Where did he keep them? In their area.

So the vagina was beside the weiner? No, it was under the balls. Because that's a guy you could easily look them in the eye and say, go fuck yourself. And he could. Nah, because it's pointing the other way, as I thought about that. Well, if he's hanging upside down. Yeah, he could have. I never knew that or said that to him.

I hope I met up. He had a harder goal, though. Oh, so he was the tin man? He was a top bloke. Oh, so who was on the bottom? Ridgy Ditch. Wait, who was on the bottom? I, you know, not with him, particularly.

He was the bottom one. So you did it with him? Yeah, yeah, did it all. But he had... He had a button. get a button you can press and what did that do make the

fake wiener oh the weenie was fake half of it was oh wow he had an extension on like you know when you get your leg eaten by a shark and then they put a rubber one on so you look like you got a leg it was like that but with wieners

oh wow so a shark ate half his wiener yeah well I don't know maybe that's what happens when you get late at night and you get a little hammerhead they cut up he's Hey folks, you know I like to talk about confidence, but confidence in the bedroom. Oh yeah, that's where the fun is, that's where the action is. And to make sure you're ripe and ready, you gotta get hymns.

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Prescription is required. See website for details. restrictions and important safety information. Get that confidence up. Get hymns. How's my hair? Erect. Your hair looks like it had some blue chews.

Oh, the ED pills? Yeah, those are cool. Have you done the... Yeah, I used to take him when I first quit. sleeping with everybody. I just used to take blue shoes and walk around my house to scare my dogs with my boner.

And then I figured out a cool game on Saturday night to see how many wet towels I could hold up. Yeah. My girl was complaining about my ability in the old saccharoni.

Because it was so good? No, she was just complaining because it sucks. So about four days ago, I took 12 Viagra's and drank three cases of Red Bull her funerals next Thursday. Respect, son.

respect uh let's switch gears let's flip the page as they say down on onion bun street i've done that are you a conspiracy theory guy big time what's your number one conspiracy i'd love to dig into it with you what's your number one conspiracy where you walk around when you're sitting on the turlet when you're playing with a puppy in the park is tony hawk really jesus crossed people that's something that's going around yeah you haven't heard that have you ever seen him skateboard across water that's what i'm saying i've seen him do stuff from like that's not like what possible like what he did he did like i mean he did a 900 and i was like how no so he watched the movie 300 three hundred three times?

Something like that. No, he did a 900. Do you know what a 900 is? Well, if you watch the movie 300, three times. No, that's not what that is. Seriously, dude? You don't know what a 900 is? I don't know if I can continue being your friend.

A 900. Skateporting. Tony Hawk, 900. Talk to me. To illuminate me. Educate me. Prepare yourself to be illuminated. Okay.

Skateboarding in the air, half pipe. We were big backs in there and you fly into the air on the ramp and you grab the board and spin 900 degrees that's 3 360s What's the math on that?

I don't know I might have said that wrong Yeah Like a mathematician just sort of got Two 360s and a 180 Oh that's too much math for me I'm out too but it's a 900 I know that

Can you just say he rolled on Fundy board with wheels That's a lot easy for me. I know, but he did things that nobody could ever do. And then that's the weird thing. When you do something that no one's ever done or thinks it is possible and then everyone else that can't do it sees it,

then that's this godlike thing where you see it and go, oh, I could do it. And then everybody else can do it. Now there's a nine-year-old that can do it. There's a girl that can do it. A girl. I know, right? Who would have thought they could do anything?

Trannies. Women can't do sports. Here we go. Wait. This is all from him, gang, not me. I love skateboarding women that twirl upside down backwards and do a half camel flip, turn around, I go waffle, crush ramp. I love them. Not him, but I do.

I do, not him. He said it. Hey, kids. He said all girls are trannies. I did say all girls are trannies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not me. Who you think about it, they kind of are.

How do you say so, guy? Their little button is like a little peepy. Their little button. Yeah, they go the thing that you know, you probably don't know where it is, but I do. If you touch it, you're godlike. You mean the G-spot? Haller at your boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That looks like if you have a magnifying glass, it's like a little weiner. So really, girls are kind of guys. And we're all born first before we come out of the womb. We're women. What do you mean? We're complaining all the time?

Yep, weaners come later. Huh. That's science. Who thought the weaner would have come in last? That's why if you take a lot of testosterone and you are a woman, your holler at your boy spot will grow very wiener-esque. Wiener-esque, is that a word? Wiener-esque, also a sex act in West Hollywood.

Can I talk to you about a conspiracy theory that I stumbled across. I don't know if you've heard about it, but have you heard about the seedlings? Seedlings or seedlings? The seedlings. This is... No.

So I go on the dark web. Yeah, it makes sense. I'm rummaging around on the dark web. And there's this species, if you want to call it, of humanoids. The government or somebody grew them in a dark lab, in a underground bunker somewhere.

Visit people? No, the seedlings. Oh, and they looked like they started like this. This is a, I don't know if you can see this, but it's like a seed. Yeah, it is a seed, literally. This is what they looked like in the petri dishes.

Yes. And it was this race that they say exists. It was on the dark web. I saw it and then I went back and it was gone, but this is how they talked, okay? We are the seedlings. We are here... It's not that mysterious.

We are here to take over the human race. We are the seedlings. That's what they said? This is what they sound like. Well, it's not very mysterious. It's kind of telling you exactly what their plan is and who they are, straight off the bat. You will obey the seedlings.

Not yet. We are the seedlings. Wait, are you want to Zist the takeover right now? Bow before this... No, this is how they taught. It was on the dark web. I saw it. I went back to look.

I typed in seedlings. It was gone. So they lost the fight? I don't know. I think they're out there somewhere. But you've never heard of the seed. They talk, this is how they talk. We are the seedlings.

Wow, that's a really good impression of them. I just heard it once, and it somehow got him grained in my head. Do you think that they are... We are the seedlings. We shall take over the human race species. We are the seedlings. And they kind of... We are the seedlings.

And they did this, like they had a really weird body language. You never heard of the seedlings? Nah. Okay, because this is a conspiracy. I mean, your conspiracy theory was, you know, some guy floating around on a piece of wood with wheels and twirling and whatever. It's on the dark web. I'm talking about a species born in a petri dish who want to take over humanity.

How do you know was born in a petri dish? They showed it. There was a little, like, film of the stuff. And then the seeds stood up and said that. No, the seedlings grew, but then they had pictures of the little baby seedlings in the petri dishes. We are the seedlings.

I caught that bent. We shall take over the seedlings. And this is how they talked. Are you an idiot? We, uh... Let them decide. Am I? I hope they didn't say yes.

But have you ever been on the dark web? All the time. For reals? Yeah. I mean, who hasn't? For real? Yeah, because I like to learn things from the dark web is very dangerous, and if something tries to kill me from the dark web,

and I see how they kill things on the dark web, then I'll know how to block it. What were you looking for on the dark web? On the dark web. Yeah. But you can see that on Google. Not pornographic shark attacks. Wait a second, guy.

Reel it back. What did you see? Two people. pool having sex and then a shark ate them. They were having sex in the ocean. Yeah. Actually, it was like a pool. And a shark? There was like a barrier where the shark went from the salt to the pool.

Okay. And jumped in and ate them horrifically too. In the middle of sexual intercourse. Full pump. That's why they didn't see the shark coming. In the middle of coyness. Because they were too busy coming. That face, what you just did there?

we are the seedlings they do that as well see you didn't even know so maybe this thing is infecting the seedlings are infect i'm just saying wow you ever seen a deer have sex a deer what like old fellow a dear old fellow have sex one time this is going to sound creepy i got a good feeling it i was i was bored one night That's usually how it starts And I went up to Prune Manor up on the hill And I was thinking There's nothing on Netflix

I got no videos TikTok I'm bored Why don't I go up to Prune Manor peek through the window at the senior center And see what I see They go hard in the old paint I saw an oldie doing a 17 mile an hour power jack Had an oldie bent over a thermostat

Yeah In the... Keeps it warm Down in the cafeteria Yeah it makes sense Just hammer jacking. And she had some yogurt in her hand and it was trembling. Right.

Trembling yogurt, also a sex act in West Hollywood. Yeah. You've done it. Yep. How do you feel about yogurt? Hmm. Interesting question. True me a curb ball there.

I've known, I've been known to spin one down the old pike. I feel like I'm not a very cultured person. but if I eat a lot of yogurt, I feel very cultured. Oh, interesting. Flavors? I just want the culture. Right.

That's real. Yeah. The more I get into, because I'm a yogurt enthusiast. Okay. I've done a lot of yogurt research. Wow. You ever done hot yogurt?

Oh, yeah. Probably one of my favorite things to do. I'm not a big fan of the cleanup, but at the initial start okay huge fan gotta be real flexible to do the hot yogurt yeah and you gotta have good ligaments because you can slip and pop things oh right i remember i did it on bubble wrap once i've done it on sand oh god yeah got caught ouchy ouchy is what baby say not adults well i am very baby-minded let's not ever say ouchy again please on this podcast if you want to do it

on others, but let's not do baby talk. Let me present to you in front of da-da. Try to stop me. Because you can't. You know why? Because I'm gay, but not gay. I might not be able to stop you. But the seedlings

will stop you. We are the seedlings. See, so this is just a time game. No. Fuck. Can I tell you the dark web? I went on Google my guy.

Yeah. Do you mind if I wear glasses for a minute? I mean, that's more intimidating. I went on, because I asked you if you're on the dark web. Yeah, and I said you had. Hell yeah. So I went on there. I go on Google.

It says, what is the dark web? Google search. Okay, here's the response I got. You can buy babies. How much? Depends on how, like, cute they are. If I can get a Vietnamese kid for 1299, I'm in. Are you saying $1,200 or are you saying $12?

I want a bargain Vietnamese kid They've got no legs I'll take it I like people with no legs To roll the lawn Who do you like more People with legs or no legs I like no legs

Me too Because they can't kick the shit out of you That's what I say You can say anything to them And try and catch me Right and they're really flexible Without even knowing it Yeah

And if you love bowling You put them out on the driveway And just practice your heart out They just go straight through Oh strike spares and kisses Yeah but here's what it said on the hold on

yeah you should how do these glasses there they are there you go is it illegal the dark web and I go on the dark web and I go

what is the dark web that was the question I asked Google trying to bamboozle it here's what came back I'm going to show this to you so you know it's legit I go what is the dark web and you can do this folks it goes

is it illegal to ding-dong ditch. So I go, and then it says, overview, yes, ding-dong ditch can be illegal because it often involves trespassing and can lead to charges like harassment or disorderly conduct, especially if it becomes a pattern of behavior.

Well, the simple act may seem harmless. It can escalate and have legal consequences, including fines or jail, depending on local laws, intent and any damage or fears caused. Now, as a guy who's ran with men and women, what the hell is a ding-dong ditch? I'm against it.

Okay, so you've done it. You've seen it. What does it look like? I'm new to this term. As an American who loves this country and it's freedoms. Not American, by the way. Go ahead.

Dude, you're not American. I am. I got two American babies. How many babies have you got in America? Dude, you bust in here with your Scottish accent. Everyone hears it. And you think we're going to believe you're American, old Scotty? Jason Stapham is American.

You're not. Dude, you bust in here with your Cockney British accent. I'm Cockney, I'll give you Cockney. What about British? I don't do that. I don't speak British. You only do Cockney? Yeah.

I used to, not anymore. Okay. So you've witnessed ding-dong did. Yeah, I was against it. And what does it look like? If you stubby to tell you, you can sue the restaurant. What restaurant? Any.

What about Hooters? They're out of business. Okay, so then I can't sue that one, can I? You know what? Hooters needs to be sued for their bottoms. What do you mean? Their shorts make their butts look terrible. I don't get it.

Well, those orange shorts. But they use a compression thing that flattens their butts. And I'm like, why are you, you're lifting the boobs and you're flattening the butts? Like, dude, bro, I'm a guy. I'm seeing the boobs. And then when you leave, after you take my order, I want to check out the back. And I'm like, what the hell happen to the back? What would you do that?

Now, this sounds like a bit of ding-dong ditch here. As a guy who likes the men and the women, you come in and you got the top. And then most men have a flat ass. You look down, you're getting the double dutchy experience. don't label me as that when I'm not that what a ding-dong ditch I'm not that or the other thing that you did I'm not that okay let's be serious

here for a second have you got have you really saved lives or are you just cold I've saved lives right well wait what did I say that got you so upset I'm not I'm not and you are really upset all right you're not into dude no didn't you just a few minutes ago

say you could blow me I said if I wanted to so I could make you do anything I wanted. And blowing, you don't look like you want to blow me, so I'm just proving a point that I can make you do it. Maybe it would be better if I said, I could make you wash my car. Okay.

That's not gay. right that would be better what colors your car pink it's really fast you had me and you lost me i know as a good looking guy talk to me about your skin how you take care of your face how you keep your youthful looks yeah what is your procedure if you will to take care of yourself i'm glad you cosmetically and thanks for recognizing you're very welcome friend uh i like to get punched in the face a lot. Say what now? Come back. Hey what now. Come back. What? I think it like it sort of gets off. It's like an exfoliating, an extreme level where you punch the old skin off my face and then I grow more skin to move the dead skin out and I keep killing skin on my face. So I keep pushing out more youth. I'm

oozing youth. I have pimples. To have pimples at my age is very youthful. Also, I use steroids and I do childish things. What do you do to get rid? You said you got pimples. Yeah. And they get the pus in them. Yeah, I love those. What do you do to clear up the pus?

I pop them. How? With my hands, bare hands. That's just like how I like to kill people too. Oh, wait a minute. Wait, do you have a pimple popper? No, I have. I'm going to go get you my pimple popper.

Hang on a second. Take over for a second. All right. If you're just turning in, an idiot and uh yeah there's nothing wrong with acne unless you have a lot of acne and then i would recommend rubbing maple syrup on it which he has a lot of because he's not even from here foreigners am i right also he should probably learn some self-defense because he's got a big mouth i can probably teach him i think he's diet's bad to

too much maple syrup and also his books in the back they're not real because he's an idiot what did you say you didn't say anything bad did you no wow you're blind that's bad that's not nice

shouldn't make fun of the blind you should eat better what do you mean with my ear If I punch you in the eyes more, it might bring your sight back. Oh, you'll fix this? Yeah, I'll fix your face. It does need fixing. It does.

It's ass. It's screaming to me. Would you say my face looks like a fat girl's ass or a Greek boy's barf? You better like you. We are. Holy shit, dude. I'd say fat girl's ass just because I don't want anything to do with the Greek. voice anything.

Okay. You're such weird, dude. Okay. Is it tough? Like, when you wake up, are you like,

here I go again? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do I mean? What do I mean? What do I mean? Like, when you look at yourself,

you go, what have I done? What is it necessary? Like, how much more do you need of this? I know. Like, do you feel like one day,

What if I just turn it off? This is it. What about if I just walk out the door and not do it? This is it. This is the last podcast I'm ever doing. Thank you. That's not what I meant. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I meant like... Oh, my bad. I meant seedlings. We must find the seedlings. What if you stopped listening to that voice and did something different? I know. I went on the dark web and I got ding-dong dutched or whatever it is. You did.

So here's my thing. you can use this if you want. I'm sure I will. I get the pimples as well. Yeah. And they get volcanic. Oh, yeah? I'll get so much pus that looks like I went to Dairy Queen and fell down in the back room.

Wow. That is disgusting, man. And, you know, you can spend all day, you know, popping them. Yeah. The pus pops out and hits a little Korean boy or it gets all over your mirror. Well, the Korean boys are always running around. God. Come on, guy.

I don't want to be a part of this. So here I am, I'm out in my yard one day, and I got a mongo. Yeah, you could feel it without seeing it. Oh, I got a Kilimanjaro on my head. I got a Mount St. Helens. I get excited about those. Oh, the puss. It looks like someone opened a jar of cool whip on my head face.

Like a zombie vomited. Yeah, or a Greek boy. And, well, I just said it earlier. I know, but just stop with the young boy. thing. So here's the thing. I'm out in the garden. I got this giant zit just like glowing in the sun. And I'm like, we talked about God. God, how can I get rid of this pus? And almost on cue, God

sends one of his most gentlest creatures. Ready? A hummingbird ate your pimple? Just hovered. They can hover it. Suck the pus, right? Shut up. A hummingbird. It's sucking. It's sucking. It's a pus-sucking hummingbird. It's a ruby-throated pus sucker from Virginia. And they just suck it like a fat kid sucking a chocolate milkshake down at Huntington Beach.

It has a fucking crab cloth stuck up his ass. Oh, my God, dude, what is going on in there? There's a hummingbird inside your mind, dude, and it's trash at the place. Isn't that God? Like, look at, they've almost got a zip-sucking nose on of these things. Have a look. That's a lot. Isn't that wild?

Yeah, it is wild. Imagine a big one that, like, came down and sucked you off. Oh, well, that could go right in the little hole easily. Right, that's not my style anymore. Yeah. Misty's window. You know, these are the only birds that can fly backwards? No.

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Yeah, they are Oh, they could jump and flat for a little bit And if it was us doing that, we'd call it flying. But Michael Jordan, people think that's flying yeah ostriches fly as much as Michael Jordan yeah like same amount of time before they hit the ground again right I think ostrich just might actually defeat Michael Jordan but could Michael Jordan kick a lion in the face

yeah an ostrich could no it couldn't oh yeah no have have you met an ostrich I sure have I met an emu I have you just are you just riffing or do you know because I have very intimidating yeah but I have beaten one up which both and a kangaroo whoa I want to fight a bear, but not bear hand with a sword and a shield, because I think it's fair. What kind of bear? Polar, Gris.

Gris. Gris. Yeah. Why the Gris? Coolest name. Yeah. Grizzly. Yeah. And then I would be like, you could call me Jason Gris Ellis or whatever because I defeated. Welcome to the Gris show. Like, by new Gris I'm on the road again, the Gris tour. You know you know you could not beat up a full-grown grizzly bear. With a shield and a sword. They stand nine feet tall.

I said with a shield and a sword. I still don't think you could do it Because you don't really know me I know you're trying to And I appreciate that But I can defeat pretty much any Anything Does anyone

Really know you Look any takers No one's coming to my house When this comes out No one's coming to my house You know why You don't have a house You're homeless

Apart from that You're not going to beat me I'm undefeated For a reason Is this for real? You're putting out a challenge to the world? If anybody wants to fight me in a boxing gym, anyone. Even like Connor McGregor or one of the UFC champion.

Definitely, Connor McGregor. You could beat him? Yep. For sure. I could beat anyone in a boxing fight. What about John Jones? Yeah. Him?

Yeah, I'll take that fight. It's videoed, right? What is? The fight. What does that mean? It means I need proof. Yeah. Yeah, because I don't want to, later on, like, John Jones going, oh, man, I cleaned him up.

I'm like, where's the video? You just, let's get me clear, you could beat John Jones in a fight, anyone. Then why aren't you in the fighting game, my guy? Nobody will meet me to fight me at my gym. You really want to do this? Yes, I'm video, yes. Can we say where your gym is? Trinity Boxing Gym on Melrose in Hollywood.

What number? I don't know. I've hit my head a lot. but if anybody wants to go hit me up a wolf made on Instagram DM me not if you're hot I don't that's the wrong guy

but if you want to fight like not with our genitals with our hands hit me up I'll fight you what pound what is the weight of the gloves whatever one is it bare knuckles I'll do that too I've got a bare knuckle fight coming up

let's see your knuckles bring it close hang on Yeah, I see it now Oh, I see it now, guy I have one punch power You were born to rumble, guy I was born to rumble

I was born for war I'm made for war I want to love But God makes the choice When was your first fight Was it in grade school? It was pretty tough to get it in my mom's box Apparently the doctor said I was a lazy baby

Were you a twin in the womb And you beat the shit out of your twin? I'd rather not really say that I was, if he was, he didn't come out, like, I ate the whole kid. You ate him. Placenta. I came out 11.5 pounds, huge baby. Wow.

Yeah, which was funny because I still kind of am a huge baby. How tall are you? Six foot. Okay. Ready to go. Yeah. Yeah. Full of beans.

You are like, like, when I friendly pat you on the back, you can tell, very dense. Heterosexual to Heter. I appreciate that. Yeah. Don't be doing that to me, Trani, boy. It's just like, I can feel your solid. You got some muscle.

Yep, that's what they say. Okay, so when in your memory, do you remember your first fight and was it enjoyable? Did it traumatize you? Is that what made you go into fighting? Or did it turn you into a coward for a while and you had to overcome it? When was that first moment of physical contact violence with another human? lot of questions in that and I caught a couple of them. You want me to summarize it? No, no, no, because I'll forget the whole thing in a second.

So, yeah, I did, I got beat up when I was a kid a lot and it did traumatize me. Yeah. And I was also very scared of fighting. So my father fought where people got really hurt and they looked like they died and they had old teeth all over the ground and all that stuff and people were like on the ground with their eyes open. So I thought they were dead. So that really scared me.

Yeah. And then I was very scared of fighting. and people would bully me and I would not retaliate because I was scared of fighting and then two times I fought when I was a kid where I retaliated and I kind of freaked out

and I broke like a fat kid's arm you could say fat right I say chubby chubby kid's arm and then I got expelled from school and then I beat up another kid because I was picking on me for a long time and then I just snapped and freaked out

and beat up that kid but I was still very scared of fighting and then I got bullied in skateboarding a guy bullied me that I thought I could have beat up, but I was too scared to retaliate. And then later on in my skateboard career, I got into mixed martial arts. And as soon as I started training, I noticed that I had natural ability when it came to, I hit hard.

And when you hurt me, it doesn't really hurt. I could take a lot of damage. Yeah. So that kind of made me less, it's more the, when you're mad at me, that scares me more than actually hurting me. Like if you punch me in the head, I don't really. really care. But if you say, I really don't like you, that hurts way more. The emotional range. Yeah, way more. So once I got enough fights under my belt in the gym, I could squash the

if you really hate me, I can, I now understand when people are very mad, it's really because you're very sad. So when somebody's very angry at me, I know that they're just very, they're sad people. So I feel sorry for them. Okay. So now that I feel sorry for you, I don't, I'm not scared of you anymore and if you're offering to like hurt my body my body doesn't really feel pain like normal people so now lucky so now i don't you don't scare me like you can beat me up i'll wake up like i don't scare i'm not scared to being knocked out i'm not scared of any of that stuff anymore so now nobody if you have me i don't they don't scare me every life is like so much like uh less stress because nothing can hurt me anymore if you have time later and you can say no to this

I'd love to slam your head in a mini van door if you're okay with that. If you do it on video. Because the only thing I don't like is when people talk about it later and they don't have proof. Okay. Like if John Jones did beat me up

because he might have a chance. You never know. But if he did, if it's on video, it's awesome. It's okay. Oh, yeah, it's awesome. I want to know why people were picking on you as a youngster.

What did you ever do? Very attractive. They were jealous of your good looks. I don't know if you can tell because it's been a while. I can tell. I used to be pretty attractive. You're still a stud.

Yeah, I appreciate that. You're like a hammer stud. That's what they call me. Like, if I was a shank of beef hanging in a slaughterhouse, I'd climb off the meat hook and reassemble and make myself into a bull and hump your face. That's like a lot of my DMs. Yeah. Yeah, I get people say that.

God bless you, child. Thank you. God bless your broccoli teeth. I love your hair. Who doesn't? I can't see anybody. that wouldn't it makes no sense it's glory let me help i mean it's amazing if you want to run your big meat punch and hands through it i'll let you uh no what if i like you you're my friend

what if i tempted you a little you can't you can't get away from me no i do all right Wait, you put stuff in it. Sorry. No one can resist the seedlings. The seedlings. Man, it jiggles like boobies. Get the seeds into the seedling. Oh, you like it?

Yeah, if I had hair, that's what I would want. You don't have hair? Can we look? Oh, you got a tattoo. I forgot, you have a tattoo hair. Yeah. What is that tattoo? It's a wolf.

Oh, you got a wolf on your head. Yeah, I'm wolfmate. I got it. Okay. Yeah, a wolf. Oh, yeah. And I got snakes and I got eagle because I'm American. And then on the side right here, I got a rose because really I just want to love everybody.

You know, it would have been great on the, instead of all that, just a light bulb. Yeah, but people would have thought you're just an idea man. But I'm not. Well, they wouldn't know. It's a tattoo. It's more, my head is more like the dark web. Oh, dibaldi dunk, the gobbledy bong. It's he drinks.

That's what I hear. Whoa, see? Uh-huh. It's happening. Uh-huh. Oh, wow, the seedling. And I need one of those. You play guitar.

Look at these fingers. No. Yeah, you're right. We should start a band. What kind? A rock and roll band. Is there any other? Well, if you.

you live in India and you're in the forest near a specific kind of tree, you could start a rubber band. What? You ever heard of a rubber tree? No. They grow in India. No, they don't. You're making that up. No, I'm not.

It's made of rubber? Huh? It's wobbly? It's called a rubber tree and the excrements that they're. get from it are the compounds that make tires. Like maple syrup. Yeah. But rubber.

Rubber trees. I'd rather a maple syrup tree. If I could be a tree, it'd be a maple syrup tree because then I would just eat myself. Oh, wow. You should do that and then go see your friend who knows how to fuck himself and spend the night together. Those days are gone, champ. Well, not if you don't want them to be. I don't want them to be gone.

Sounds like you were kind of... Don't do that. That's not cool. I think that's not cool I don't want to be a part of that stuff no I'm happy for I actually am not that happy I feel sorry for people that need to be a part of that I think they have addictive personalities

and talk to me there's other things they could do with their life you know being out there in the wilderness the wind on your face sun on your on your face is it fair to be a guy who skipped through all that frivolity and now turn around and say condemn the people that are in it Or are you just a guy who said, I did it, I realized it's bad, and I want a better life for you, friends.

Yeah, yeah, that's that one, second one. I like that. If you want to jizz on yourself, you should. If you want everybody else to do that on you, you should. But you're saying... I just know that I've done... It's like, you know, stay in school. Why?

Well, I didn't wish I had of. Right. Why? Well, can't read. That would have been handy. So you're trying, you're in a way you're a preventive medicine guy. Yeah. You're trying to steer people spiritually to a better place.

I feel like you can't advise somebody to do something if you haven't done it. And it's like, don't do drugs. And it's like, well, what do you know? And I'm like, well, I did every drug wasn't worth it. And it's like, don't sleep with everybody that you meet. Why? I'm like, well, because I did. And it hurt all the people.

people that I care about. And I regret it. Yeah. A lot. So you want to pass that knowledge on to people who are going down that road. If you have a son or a daughter, you should recommend that they skateboard for a long time until they get older. Because it teaches you the greatest thing in life. And that is, it's going to be difficult.

But if you keep going, anything can be accomplished. And skateboarding teaches that. You know what else it teaches you? What? Balance. Yes, which you need balance. Libra, the scales. What was that?

You just did. I'm being a scale. Okay, it looked like you were being a gay cheerleader. Now, that's a terradactyl. Well. Which is done in West of Hollywood a lot. Yeah. I know.

I've done it. Oh, wow. Just for fun, though, not for realsies. I mean, for keeps. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is the difference? Jason Ellis, we're down to our five.

Segment. I can't believe it. Go. Do it. You remember this from last time, my guy. Words from a wooden shoe. Do I? We reach into the duchy. Yep. You pull out a word and see if it triggers a story from your very colorful journey in life. Yeah. Let's see what we get. Words from a wooden shoe with Jason, Zachary Ellis. Sports injury. Oh, wow. Talk to me. Have I, have I had a sports injury. I'm guessing maybe. Let me think for a second. Yeah. Yeah, I've had a lot. I've had a lot of concussions, a lot of broken bones. Was the nose ever broken? Yeah, like lots of times. How many times would you say? I gave up. It doesn't look like it though. It looks. Yeah, it looks proportion. No, it's off to the one side. It is? Oh yeah. I can't. And then this bit's bent from get some,

you know, a friend of mine tried to give me the, the, uh, the Bruce Willis, uh, palm in so who palm my nose into my brain and kill me. Yeah. Yeah, but instead it just did the cartilage thing. Oh, yeah. I see one of your nostrils is bigger than the other. That's also from Coke. But anyway.

What was the worst sports injury you would say you sustained? The worst one, see, the worst one, the worst one was when I was younger because of my age and the shock. So I've had worse injuries in this, but the worst one I had was when I was, 16 and I fell in a concrete bowl face first in a concrete bowl and I put my hand out and it broke my wrist and it shot my elbow out of the back of my arm like so the bone came out and I broke my arm up here as well oh god but the bone came out and it had a compound fracture and at 16 so there's a lot of pain

but I roll over and I see the bone coming out of my arm and and I and I'm not cool. I freak out. I fainted. Oh, wow. And then I woke up and I'm in a lot of pain and then the Australian makers in Australia where I originally was from they come and they give you the whistle. The whistle is awesome.

What? Yeah, they go suck on the whistle. And the whistle has like, I think it has morphine in it, but they just give you a whistle. Instead of giving you a shot or whatever, they get, in Australia, they give you a whistle. Also a thing in West Hollywood. It's a little gay, for sure. But the whistle is awesome. And at one point, they put me in an inflatable cast. And I still remember I can see like the white bone thing going to the cast.

And I'm sucking on the whistle. And then my friend goes, you want me to call your mom? And I was like, yeah, tell her to get fucked because I was high. You said tell my mom to get. Yeah. Funny. I was being funny.

Yeah, you were high. And then I go to hospital. And then I wake up, they're pulling my wrist to try to pull the bone back into my arm. Oh, God. And that I woke up screaming and I had an oxygen mask on. So I was screaming into an oxygen mask. And then they pulled it back in and then they put a big cast on and stitched me up. And took a long time.

That was six months before I could fully straighten my arm. It was like a. But it was more the bone coming out and being 16. Because I've had injuries that are way worse than that. But that one was more the mental shock of seeing. Because when you're a kid and you see your bone, it, you think you're going to die. Yeah.

You know, I was like, am I, is this like a life-threatening injury? Yeah, because you don't know anatomy and science. So when you don't, you know, as a kid, you're like, bones don't come outside the body. Yeah, I'd never heard the term compound fracture before until that day. And I was like, I don't like compound fractures still to this day. Oh, God, I don't like them at all either. Yeah, they're not cool. So that one was pretty horrific.

Set my tailbone off too. That was cool because they used to have an x-ray of like a piece of my tailbone floating in my butt. and it just looked cool with a scientific name the coxas coxic well this is America I did it in America

it's a coxic sounded Scottish you're Canadian you're Scottish you're Canadian you're Scottish you're Irish you're Scottish Canadian Irish

you're a potato eating sourcrow I'll take that all right fuck you and your Hagendas okay buddy yeah all right fuck it hard or fuck it soft

gross well you said it I did not say that you told me to fuck my hog and dogs I said how do you want me to fuck it hard or soft there's only one way you can fuck ice cream how hard

it's all fucking hard there you go if you have to I'd rather you love that power out quite frankly I have to I need to sounds like it's pretty serious you've had your desires I have mine how are you with your desires

do you have control over them yeah it's hard to drive buy a baskin robins and not get hard i noticed she said hard twice i'll say it a third time hard mm-hmm are you sponsored by blue chew pardon you blue chew well thanks i'm busy what i wasn't hitting on you no but i don't have time for certain things i think your girlfriend would disagree really mm-hmm how do you mean let's just say she's like a scre i'm What flavor? All of them.

You ever see a penis that's three different colors like that ice cream? I did once down at the Picasso art gallery. The Politan Dick, I call it. It's shocking. No thanks, I'm busy. Agreed. Buddy, Jason Ellis, mystery man, man of a thousand lives rolled into one. fascinating, intriguing.

We're never going to get to the bottom of the Jason Ellis Barrel, and I like that. Yeah, good. Because that means you're going to keep coming back, and Dadda are going to keep digging. Thanks, Dad. Oh, my God. Can you tell the folks where they can find out about your stand-up comedy schedule, your new book, your new movie, all that stuff, let them know. My new movie is not out yet. Okay, what about your book?

Boy, is that going to be good. What about your book? I had a book, New York Times best seller, but that was a long time ago. The next book, it's not out yet, but that also going to be a banger. Okay. But comedy, I'm on the road. That's real. Thejason Ellis.com for tour dates and cities, because I'm coming to you all over.

Oh, buddy. And then I do, I got a podcast, Jason Ellis 2.0, where I do get a little more in depth into struggles and what and victories and then i got merch same place the jason ellis dot com and then i got my patreon where i do four shows a week patreon dot com slash alice mate it's like i was on serious xm still but i don't make any money yeah yeah yeah uh folks catch up to this guy catch the the jack rabbit if you can yeah good luck yeah good luck but the adventure is just in the trying you're gonna need a bigger boat You're going to need a big about.

Oh, I said it wrong. Right, because he's American. Yeah. Like me. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Cheeseburger. Folks, that's it for today on the Harlan Highway Park.

That's my thanks to Jason Ellis. We'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken chowmaine, baby. Oh, day, baby. And watch out for the seedlings. Jesus, God. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh?

You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. can get it for yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to cameo.com and i record a custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized harland