The Harland Highway - JASON ELLIS- Skateboarder, Comedian, and strawberry Carebear!

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

JASON ELLIS talks skateboards, koalas, GOD, and goes on an Australian walkabout with Harland Catch Harland LIVE at his upcoming comedy shows:  WISEGUYS - LAS VEGAS - JUNE 7 - 8 DESERT RIDGE IMPROV - PHOENIX, AZ - JUNE 14 - 16 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Would you ever date like a Siamese twin? Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, we got us a player. I don't want to interrupt. No, you got it. You'd rate to the end, you'd put perfect timing. Right. But then, yes, welcome to the Players Club.

Oh. I'm your host, Jason Ellis. Double duchy. Mm-hmm. You ever put them in a sleeping bag and roll them down the hill? Yes. We got us to play ya. I've been in the sleeping bag and rolled down the hill with two sinus twins.

No way. What's that sound like? You know, ow, ow, ow, ow. Wow. That's what my bunk bed sounded like when I was going through puberty. Right. It sounds like you're a busy guy. Well.

riding down the harland highway all right hold tight on the harland highway show harland williams good on you yeah yeah good onion do you say good onion or good on you good on you yeah or do you say good onion who would say good onion like a fat guy right like a fat australian guy all right i don't know too many fat Australians i'm against i'm a fat racist are you really no you look like you are though. Right. It's in your eyes. I definitely look racist. Definitely like a fat, like a, what is a fat racist? I don't know. I just made it up. Dude, way to go. You made up a new category for everyone to whine about. Maybe that could be my new angle or your new anal. Right. Whatever you want. I mean, I've retired from that. So. Okay. Well, angle it is. Welcome to Los

Angolus. Let's stick with it. Dude. Because. And then you pull out your isosceles triangle and we I'm not ready for you. I'm not, I completely forgot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good angle. But no, because it's like in, in Aussie, we say good on you. Yeah, we do. We do.

You know, I'm Australian, right? You're not. Yeah, Maluluba. No, you're not. Malul, go look, Gold Coast guy. You're Canadian, I can tell. Dude, I'm Australian. I've even did movies over there.

Yeah, that doesn't make you Australian. Dude, you can check my, check IMDB. Your eyes are a little too beaty to be Australian. Well, that's because I'm part koala. Do you know what a koala really sounds like? My wife. That's a howler monkey. That's a howler monkey.

It's a Google koala. Right? Because they do that thing with their lungs. I thought one time I was smoking barkeys, doing what a barkie is. Yeah, it's a small dog. No. Well, they like the barquey.

You roll toilet paper in tree bark. Do you wipe it first? No. Okay. Smoke it, but I was in the dark. I was at a kids camp where it's like for bad kids or whatever. Oh, yeah, Juvies? Yeah.

And I thought it was a naked man in the tree. Really? Yeah, I always feel like when somebody's making that noise in the dark, he's naked. There's a naked guy up in the eucalyptus. Yes, that's what I thought. Yeah, I don't blame you. The day, the daytime, he did it again, and then we saw him. And did you know, koalas are really tough?

We threw things at the koala and he fell out of the tree. No. Yeah, it was young. And he fell out of the tree. and when he landed on the ground, like 50 feet, shoulder block, straight back up the tree, like nothing happened. What did you throw out of him? Like a breck?

No, just like sticks and stuff, whatever's in the bush. Because sticks and stones will break koala's bones. I didn't throw a stone. That would be too aggressive. Did he like flip you off and go, is that how they sound? No, he went, uh, I just told you what he does, yeah.

But that's when they're mating and when they're angry. Okay, yeah. But when they're just conversing, bro, it's, okay, okay, that's a, okay, that's a. meeting. I'm not sure what he was trying to say, but he looked like he was saying, I'm coming. Oh. Yeah. Well, he didn't have his hands on it. Well, when they just chit-chap, bro, because I'm Australian. No, I heard that. We grew up together, right? You mean ACDC and in excess? What street were you on? Uh, Woolabry. What number? Number two. Holy crap, 34.

Donnie? That's why I missed you. I am Donnie. Donnie. Donnie, the outback, guala guy so let me tell you about my movie with the movies that made me famous yeah here i'll give you a line from my movies i bet you'll pick it off like that right how about a nice big cool glass of water yeah that's i remember that you were in uh uh uh uh the airs rock killer no you're all around it i'll give you a hint oh the wolf moon killer oh you got the first word wolf wolf street you're it's it's it's like think of trickling water wolf river wolf lake wolf stream dude wolf ocean wolf peninsula wolf golf golf wolf creek mate you were not in wolf i was the lead got look at me how about a nice big cool glass of water right he was good

wow you that was you oh wow my face is stuck yeah yeah that's That's how they do it. You know, real Australians talk out of the side of their mouth? Right? Yeah, man. Which side? This depends on their... Depends which way they're turning.

Yes. It's like a blinker. I'm going over this way. Why don't you go that way? Even when I live there, I would point that out. What happens if you talk with your central face? You're stuck up. Oh, right.

You're a rich Australian. You're like a pompous. Yeah, you're not even real. You're probably more English. Yeah. Yeah, you probably deserve like a break and enter or a home invasion at that point. Yeah. Yeah.

The more drugs and crimes you do, the more your mouth comes off to the side, man? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do they chew tobacco in awes? No.

Yeah, they don't need to. They chew gum leaves. When they do cunnolingus, and this is a sex quote, I know you do it. Are you doing it with a side mouth? Like, do you lay your girl here and go, yeah,

yeah, yeah, only if they've got two pussies. Oh, so you've got inbreeds? I sure have. It's called Double Bubble. Yeah. What?

I just, Because you get, you go, and then, because there's not one in the middle. Yeah, that's what I mean. So you'd go off to the side, the side cun. Side cunt? Side cun. Oh. Alingus.

Oh. It's short for, cun is short for cunnelingus. Because cunt means friend in Australia. Yeah, it does. Everyone says, ah, you bloody cunt. Yeah. Come over here, let me give you a hug, you cunt. Congratulations on your wedding, you can.

Right? It's weird that it's offensive here. I know. You can be a top cunt. Yeah. I mean, fucking my mate's a top cunt. I love the cunt. Am I a top cunt?

Yeah, yeah, you're an awesome, cunt. Well, there has to be a top one, really, is what I was fishing for. You could be a top, cut. Okay. Don't use the tea so much. It's a little harsh. I'm offended. Oh, how do we do it then?

Cunt. Just, yeah, you drop the tea. Yeah. Yeah, spot on. That's because I'm from Wolf Creek. It is. I wouldn't give a 4X for any other. Right.

Hold on. God, your accent sticks my face. My bad. Let's hit the theme music. Holy smokes, everybody. Welcome to the Holland Highway podcast here up and we're broadcasting straight out of Perth today. Oh, no way. And we got our very special Ozzy guest from the Commonwealth.

Jason, how are you, mate? I'm pretty good, dude. You're a top con. I am a top cut. It's Tom Cruise's new movie, Top Gun. I would watch that. Yeah, Top Khan. He won't branch out, but if he did Top Khan, it would be, I would be in the theater.

You should be, you would be in it, dude. I should be Top Khan. I should be definitely killed by somebody in a movie. Really? You want to be killed? I would love to be in John Wick 5. Oh. Or like, you know what I mean, whatever movie where there's like any, like the Beekeeper 2. It's kind of cool, not to to toot my own roar, not toot my own horn.

Bruce Willis shot me five times. in um the whole nine yards no he shouldn't he shot me in the movie you and i loved it yeah like you know boom boom it was just the coolest thing i got beat up by paul black mall cop a black mall cop that's what i said yeah i got beat up by a black mall cop what happened guy what were you shoplifting and why because i was hungry and i wanted some candy what kind of candy there's so many brands uh the mike and mike's ike and mike yeah Is that what you call it? Here we call them.

I don't read. Cut and cock. Yeah. They're very pepperminty. It used to be my favorite, actually. Oh, they were good. They got banned. I just stick with cut and cutt now.

So delicious. It is pretty tasty. So you were a shoplifter. Yeah, I was in Paul Blart Mallcop. Say again now, how who? Paul Blart Mallcop. Oh, Paul Blart Mallcop with Richard James. No, James Richards.

You're getting there. King James III. He was a king in a TV series. James Mason, I'm here stealing some things from the store and you're under arrest. Is it Kevin? Kevin James. Yeah. What a top can.

He was a top can. He was a top can. Still is, I think. He's a big chubby can. He is a big chubby cunt. Big roly-poly can. He threw his weight around a little bit. He loves MMA, so we did some MMA stunts.

Hang on. You good? You're all right. Dude, your language, it just, I get locked job. Do I have an accent? A wee little bit. But it's sexy. It's bloody sexy, man.

I've been squirming in my seats and just out down, eh? I'm used to it. It's just, I feel like snap crackling poppers and me undies. It's normal to me. It's like someone open me undies, pulled in a whole box of rice Krispies, you walk in, and it's been snap crackle pop ever since me, mate.

Sounds about right. That's a top car. Yeah. Hey, I wore a superhero t-shirt because I thought you were going to wear a Captain America. Oh, wow. Do you only have, like, three t-shirts? Yeah, three. Right.

Yeah, one of them's weird. It's a C-3Po t-shirt. You like him. So it's like a three, my third shirt is of C-3Pio. I don't trust him. Why not? It's because he's a gay robot. Is he gay?

Oh, I say, I'll too. Let me get the oil and lube you up before we go to sleep. Oh, yeah. You don't think that little tin garbage can makes those whistling noises just for fun? Right, because he's buddies, definitely gay. Who? the gold guy gold guy you just did him that's c3pio so who's the little r2d two penis looking thing right r2d the walking garbage can oh okay yeah c3pio is like the gay

butler he's he's gay too oh i say would you like a hand job before bed c3 p or i'll teach you know what's he doing under no with the butt plug looking robot he's a he's gay too yeah well we could call him that the r2 butt pluggyo makes sense he does look like one he's a right proper I don't trust him. Why not? Because he's got, like, he's got tapes stuck in his system that he can show people. Oh, right. And I'm like, he could rat you out.

But he could show the Diddy beating up his girlfriend in the hotel way before CNN. You're not wrong, mate. You see that? You're not wrong. Boop, boop, boop, beep, beep, bo, bo, bo, poop, bo, poop, poop, help me. Diddy tried to blow me once. No way. He had a leaf blower?

Yep. And I was in his backyard because I was hungry again, looking for some Ike and mics. I guess he wanted you to leave. Yeah, yeah, oh, man. Yep. Too soon. Oh, I don't know if it's ever going to be soon for that. I'm a right count for that one, me.

You're a total gun for that one, dude. Oh, my God. Pull my finger, you fucking asshole. Let's start the show again. Here we go. Here we go, folks. Jason, Alice, right here on the All-N-I-Way podcast. We're getting it started again because we got off to a rough one.

That was a rough go. But, dude, welcome, bro. So happy to have you here. Thanks for having me. Oh, are you kidding? I'm a huge fan. Well, I'm a huge fan. I did your podcast.

Yeah, I did your podcast. You did, but you didn't know what was happening. It's okay. Here's what happened with that. I had no idea I was doing it. Yep. Like, they walked me into the hotel. My hotel was late.

I got there in the morning. They made me sit in the lobby for like three hours. And they said, come over here. I walked on to the, I had no idea I was doing your podcast. So it took me a minute to get my, I was like, my engine going. Yes. Is that how you get them? Yeah, because if they knew, they wouldn't come.

Oh, stop. It's real. Oh, that's not real. Once you're there, you roll with the punches. You might roll with the punches better than, like, Floyd Mayweather. Who, me? Yes, you. Yeah.

The guy that I'm talking to you right. You're talking to me. I am. You're you, right? Harlan? Yeah. Yeah. Well, then, yeah, I'm talking to you.

Are you serious? Totally. Dude, thank you. You're welcome. Can I talk to you? Yeah, go for it. Hey. Take your best shot.

How are you, guy? Pretty casual. Me too. too. Are you really that casual? I am. You want to go to Arby's? I don't like Arbys. Well, then I guess I'm going to stop talking to you. All right. So anyways, gang, what a show. I love the Aussies. I'm Canadian. We're from the Commonwealth. So we have a little bit in common in that way. Yes, we're both controlled by the king. The king and the queen. Queen died. She dead? Yeah. Bad time. Oh, Queen Elizabeth. Sure. Oh, yeah. And isn't it? She's on our money, right?

Yeah, she's on our money. Some people say it's Gene Wilder. You know that, right? No, that makes sense. A lot of people think the queen is on our money is Gene Wilder. It's similar. They do look. They got that puffy hair, the bugged out eyes.

It's a weird head. Yeah. But here's the kicker. Tell me what your thoughts are on this. We got the queen, right? She lived to what, 98? Ridiculous. Like almost like a Highlander.

Yes. Yes. Right? Wouldn't die. Who knows how old she really was. That's a good point. She might have been a vampire. Yeah, a vampire Highlander.

So a vampire with a sword with a Scottish accent who ate at McDonald's. Who drinks blood? Oh, put some blood on me bloody Big Mac. Yes. I want to suck it, not eat it. Right. Put some fucking type old diabetes blood on me fucking McChicken. Is that a queen?

That's a vampire queen blood sucking. Scottish. Scottish Highlander. Oh, yeah. I want to suck, you know what, squirt your period on me large fries. I want to suck me blood. What? Are you hitting on me?

I'd like to hit on you. Do you have a bat? I'd love to wail away on your head. I'd be okay with it. Just for half an hour. I'd be okay with it. I know you would. You're a toughie.

I'm a dumb ass. You could take it. That's what I think. See, I ask all my guests if I can beat them in the head with a canoe paddle. None of them want to do it, but you're the first to say, I love you for that. Do you want a slow dance later? Because I've got stairway to heaven, like, clocked up ready to go. An 11 minute slow dance, guys.

I love slow dancing. After we're done. Do I look like I like slow dancing? Fucking hells. Yeah, you do. Well, then you hit the nail on the head because I really enjoy it. What if I hit it twice and we did 22-minute dance? I like dancing for long periods of time.

I'll dance until my legs don't work. Oh, wow. I dance salsa with my dogs. Really? You put taco sauce on your legs? Yeah. I'm spicy like that. You sure are.

Mm-hmm. I got hot toes. You have hot toes? Yeah. I'm going to do an only fan's on them. Really? Mm-hmm. They're sexy.

I didn't only... They got little boobies on the knuckle. Dude, do they have aerial? I wait little eddy-bitty bras on my toes. And then for money, I'll slip one. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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You got vaginas between your toes? And titties. Instead of webbed feet, you have vaginas between your toes. Yeah. I shave the pubs off. Wow. Where's the clit? In the middle. Like, you don't know where the button is, bro? Man, if you ever stepped on, you ever went and walked a bare foot in the forest and stepped on little baby mushrooms.

I'm coming everywhere. That'd be like a foot fuck fast. Yeah. Sometimes I like to go into the garden and kick my box. Boxes. I've got multiple vaginas in my feet. Yeah, I can smell them right now. Would you mind closing your toes?

My bad. Sorry. It smells like, I don't know, what's that stuff, fungus? Yeah. Just saying you could always buy some foot douche. Right. Not a doucher. No.

I like the raw. aroma of the real world. Yeah. The streets, you know? Organic. I'm familiar with them. You like to walk down the street. You kind of like to mark your territory.

A little bit. I'll piss on a fire hydrant. Really? Yeah, it's mine. This is my street. So you're, because that's where... In Australia, guess what it smells like? What?

My urine. Wow. You know why? Why? They're my streets. Shit, bro, Safia. That's what's real. But see, that sounds like you're taking over for dogs because dogs like to piss on fire hydrants.

Well, I'm a dog. So you're the top dog? A little bit. You ever just piss on a dog while a dog's pissing on a hydrant? You just walk up and go, not on my watch. Yes, that's how I take over the street because a lot of dogs try to take my streets off me and I take them back by doing that. And I've always got the higher ground.

Never met a dog that could piss higher than me. Yeah. And I'm uncircumcised. So if you bottle it up and pee in your foreskin and then release it, you piss further than any other person on the planet. So it's like it builds up the pressure in the foreskin. creates a bubble and then and you squeeze it at the same time so it shoots it twice as far you're like barborella of the penis sect yeah i can do a lot of tricks with my penis what's your

best one giving girls shots of champagne out of my foreskin oh wow because it's like we're having fun and it's a party but you've also kind of blown me right right and i have a great penis like it's very handsome it's probably the best looking part of my body which is saying something because I'm pretty striking. You are a striking guy. That's what people say. And, yeah, then they'll be like, you know what? That's a handsome penis.

Why don't I just continue to do stuff to it? And I'm like, well, there, how about it? Well, what do you do to it? Do you groom it? No, I just born that way. So what's the only thing that I haven't done things too. I'm going to get it tattooed. It's the last piece of the puzzle.

You should get a tattoo of a bigger penis? It's pretty big. Well. You doubting that? Well, you should, I'm pretty unpacked. Well, I'm, Here's what will be the... Not that talented, but I've got a huge dick.

This will be the tell. What's the tattoo you're going to get? That'll tell us everything we need to know about your size. Well, I was thinking it can't be like a whole thing all over the whole thing. I just want to get like one big, like a dagger or a hammer. I was thinking about a gun, but I'm not that into violence. Okay. But maybe like a rocket or a car or a dirt bike or a mermaid.

Oh, a mermaid with a penis. Yeah, I've seen that. But they don't really have a groin area. They're like fish down there. It comes out like sharks. Did you know sharks have two penises? No way. So to snakes.

Why? I don't know. I don't think they use either one of them. They have dual personalities. Chameleons have two dicks. Really? And I'm pretty sure they can change color. Yeah, they go rainbow.

Yeah, that's pretty rare. They got full on pride dicks. If I had that, I would get laid a lot more. Yeah. Would you ever date like a Siamese twin? Yes. You would tell me about, tell me the, date what's it looked like you go to her house you'd ring the doorbell right they come to the door

i ignore one of the heads why because i want that one to want me the most so already you're playing the psychological mind games they end up fighting over me wow and then i go guys guys have at it so they're just wailing on each other how many arms do they have four there's four arms obviously okay so there's they're just wailing two of them are short like crab pin occurs a little bit so you're standing there they're fighting away yep how do you determine the winner oh every and that's that that's how i trapped them they think that if one of them wins they get me but really the whole time i was going to do both of them and then i go guys guys why can't we all get along i call them guys too because that's more insulting because they're like wait a minute

i'm not a guy and i'm like you can't tell because their their their pelvises are joined together you can't see it yeah and then they show me and then i pull out my handsome penis and then Bingo was his name. Can I just say something right here and right now, uninterrupted? Yep. Folks, you just heard this guy, walks in the door, turns on the mind games, wins the Siamese twins. Ladies and gentlemen, we got us a player.

I don't want to interrupt. No, you've got, you'd rate to the end, you'd put perfect timing. Right. But then, yes, welcome to the Players Club. I'm your host, Jason Ellis. Double dutchy. you ever put them in a sleeping bag and roll them down the hill yes we got us to play you i've been in the sleeping bag and rolled down the hill with two simis twins no way what's that sound like

ow ow ow wow that's what my bunk bed sounded like when i was going through puberty right it sounds like you're a busy guy well have you had sex with simese twins i had a one with a three twin Ooh, triple head. A triple header. That's like one of those dragon monster people. Yeah. Yeah. I'm scared of those.

Well, I'll still fight it if I have a sword. Well, it's so easy to have sex with. It's like an apple turnover, right? They lay down. You lay down. It's like a piggy in a blanket. You fold them over you. Yes.

So now there's a circle of flesh over you and you just roll down a hill and you're bouncing around. You're having sexual intercourse without even trying. Right. Yeah. What's the most people we've had sex with them one time? 42. it's a decent number what's yours nine got some catching up to do play yeah well i'll get there yeah you will i'm not giving up can i do something outside of all this sexual talk and all this

let's get off that no it's okay let's get into it what i want to do though is with all ozies yeah there's a spiritual side yeah oh yeah and i want for you now i want to do something for you as a gift as a friend you're going to release my demons no well i might Because I need that. We might. Here's what I'm going to do. If you want to, you can close your eyes. Okay.

If you want to keep them open, you can't. You're going to punch me, are you? I'm going to send you on an Australian walkabout. Oh, good-day. And see what comes out of you spiritually. You're ready? Yeah. I'm surrounded at a campfire by a bunch of Aborigines.

You know, doing a ceremony. And we're all dancing and no one's got their clothes on. A lot of these dicks are. pretty decent, but mine's the best-looking one there for sure. Uh-oh, here comes a big Aboriginal lady with real long boobs. And then she does this, and I get, and then everybody comes in the fire and the fire goes out, and then we go hunting. Wow.

You just got motor-boated by an Aboriginal. Yeah, it's not the first time. Mercury or Johnson Retrograde They're the best Yeah Yeah I'm really into that Shallow water motor boating

It's probably the best way to do it Because you get dizzy sometimes And if you fall Shallow water breaks it Yeah Have you ever been motorboated so hard You got an ariola in the eye Yeah

They hurt don't they Yeah but I like the pain You like pain You can tell Yeah man You know you look like you can rumble Yeah Yeah, I can.

You're toughy. Yeah, I've been working hard on it. But it's only because I'm an insecure baby and I'm terrified. So I've made this to like make people think that I'm scary, but in actual fact, I'm a terrified little boy. So it's an outer facade. Oh, yeah. It's a shell.

I cried this morning. What'd you cry about guy? Just being scared of stuff. Did anyone hold you? No, I drink alone. Here's what's going to happen. I don't drink, but you don't mean I'm alone. Here's what's going to happen.

Here's what I give to you. Yeah. You come in here, you open up, you tell. tell us how vulnerable you are, that you were scared, you were weeping. Yeah. And later on, after we shut the lights off and the sound equipment goes off, yeah. Somebody flicks a switch and stairway to heaven by Led Zeppelin starts to play

two times in a row. That's 24 minutes. Yep. And a disco ball lights up in the roof of the studio. and a caring, loving friend slow dances with you and helps you release all the pain and anxiety and everything that's plaguing you. You might need to play that song three times.

If we have to, we will. I need that. That would go a long way for me. Done. I appreciate you. You're a kind-hearted person. You got that right, Uncle Floyd. That's what they call me.

They do? Mm-hmm. On the streets. Is that like a street name? name, a gang name. That's my Aboriginal name. No way. What does it mean?

It means I slip with the pain. You sleep with the pain. Yep. Holy God. God is pretty holy. Is he like cheese? I think he's a lot of holes, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's some things that I could see through. There's a lot of holes in God's design if you think about it. Although I do believe in God, you look at this terrestrial world he's put us on. And it seems like there's a lot of holes. Everyone says it's all part of the master plan, the design. How do you decipher that guy? Those people are stupid. Like, how stupid?

Like, as dumb as, like, a rock. Like bordering on helmet wearing people? Oh, yeah. It's too late, but they should have had a helmet on from the get-go. Yeah, I love geckos. Me too. Did you know that in certain countries, they're like just friends with everybody and they live in your house? Don't you mean to say certain countries?

Yes. Because some people are cunts. And so are certain countries. It's pronounced countries. Right. You're saying countries. I'm making a tea. I'm being a bit offensive.

Yeah. Cunrees. Thank you. Yeah, sorry. Let's get it right, guy. My bad. My guy. Some of them glow.

I always wanted to be sticky. Oh, really? Yeah, because I want to go up walls, but I slip. Yeah. And it's annoying because sometimes there's like, look at that. And I'm like, I want to go up there and I can't because I'm slippery. Well, if you were sticky, Help me here.

Help me, guy, because you threw the statement out here, and it's a big statement. It was. It was a balsy move. When you say you want to go up walls and you want to be sticky, are we talking sort of suction cup fingers? Or are we talking like a garden slug that leaves a pasty trail? How do you get your traction, my guy? Not covered in jizz.

More suction cup. Suction fingers. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude. Like Spider-Man. You're such a good shoplifter. Thank you. I think Spider-Man is a waste.

Well, you know, when you have a superhero. that can be killed by deep woods off spider man spider man does whatever a spider can i just fucking killed you with black flag loser you couldn't beat uh cyclops you couldn't beat dr octopus the rino you beat all he beat them he beat them all right but they no one could beat him just pull out a can of off you know pull out a can of fuck off that would have worked he's pretty fast but he ain't that fast he ain't gonna be a can of fuck off and why is he hiding who he is right yeah like show who you are yeah you're not like don't be such a pussy yeah i mean if you're gonna wear your leotards with webs on them shouldn't he really be a web designer really because you're not a bad looking

guy yeah like just show yourself yeah you're sort of handsome but you trade that in for big giant like goofy down syndrome owl eyes or whatever what is up with that and it's not real you just you sewed it what are you a seamstress yeah that's not a hero and what's what's what the webs coming out of of your wrist. If you were a real spider, you'd shoot them out of your anus like every other spider. Exactly. Yeah, because you're a liar. I mean, show us the ass fiber or get out of town, bullshit. I agree. And it's not even real spider web. What is it? It's like man-made, like, like, nerds. Oh, like silly string? Yeah. Science chords. Do you like aerosol noises? Because I've been doing them and I thought, I should have asked them. Do you like them? Do it again? Wait.

Are you a fan of aerosol noise? You are. Pick an aerosol product and I can do them all, guy. Right, that's a drugstore. That's a drugstore. My bad. Can you do an impression of variety aid? Sorry.

What about, uh, aerogard? Errigard, what's it for? What's the function of error guard? Uh, you spray it on your body. Okay. And it gets the flies off and you can have a good weekend. That was the commercial in Australia. Okay.

You tell me if I nail it or don't. don't, you know, like, you know, like, Hey, that sounded like the other one. Fuck. Sorry to call you out, but,

well, sort of ruin my podcast. Why don't we just start it again so we can sort of, just to kind of clean the palate. Like, um,

let's talk about going back to the spirituality of the outback, of the aboriginals, which you brought up. I'm sure you have a connection to it. Yeah. Do you subscribe,

Jason, and I love the spirituality of these people, they see life and spirit in rocks, in clouds, in water, in dirt, in trees and leaves. Yeah. What is that? Do you... They are in, they're out of the matrix.

Yeah, the aboriginals. They see the ground. They see the roots. Yeah. Did you know that they invented, they would hunt and then they would dance and then dancing scientifically proven when you dance in the ground,

it vibrated. through the ground and makes the roots get all excited and helps grow more stuff, hence more food for them to eat. Really? I see. I believe that. They make the food because it is real. It's a fact.

Not only did Aboriginals invent it many years before science was here. Yeah. Science has backed it up. Yeah. They knew. Everybody knew stuff before we knew stuff. We're idiots. That's what I mean.

And I love the purity of their connection to the earth. The fact that we see a rock and let's move that out of there so we can put the bird feeder in. They see energy and life and spirit in a rock. Do you connect with that at all when you're not busy grinding lettuce wraps into children's faces? When I'm not doing that, I connect with rocks. I feel like I am like half a rock. Explain, my guy. I just feel like I'm more of an earth person than a like digital kind of a person.

I like that. I come from the ground. I feel like it's hard to move my feet when I'm on the grass because it wants to attach to me. Folks, this is the portion of the podcast where we start to peel away the layer. and we get behind the tough façade exterior of a one Jason, Jason Friday the 13th, Ellis. He never dies, and neither will I. Neither will you.

I won't. You're a fucking legend, mate. You're a ledge. Don't fall off it. I'm winked to the camera. Right, no, I see what you're doing. Every time you say legend, I can't. It's almost like a motorist, I can't stop it.

You're a living legend. And when you die, you'll be a dead ledge. And I winked and licked my lip. Why? I don't know. Are you hitting on your fans? I'm hitting on myself. Right.

You've got to learn to love yourself. That's important. Yeah. Have you ever loved yourself at an orgy? Constantly. Sometimes I do it in between loving other people. I find it as an aphrodisiac. A what now?

Ephrodisiac. I don't know these words. Neither to my viewers. You're going to have to explain. It's when you wear. Like a big frilly hair piece. Yeah. And you jerk off.

Oh, so an Afro-Disiac. Yep. Got it. Got it. Okay. Uh, buddy, we'd be idiots if we didn't talk about the ink. We'd be dumb. Like you, you got some beautiful ink.

Yeah, not all beautiful. Some of it's really bad, but I like those. Is there some you regret? No. You love them all. Yep. What do you prefer and be honest. I always ask for honesty on the Harland Highway.

Yeah, it's all you're going to get from me. Do you prefer? I cannot lie. Really? Yeah. Cannot. What's my sister's name? Bruce.

You're right. Brusilla. Presley. Oh, you're going to lie, but you got it. The third. Do you prefer, and we're getting into the world of ink now, guy. I love the world of ink. Do you prefer a squid or an octopus?

Octopus. Why? Because one time I was in a fire with squids and they all ganged up on me and I took it personally. I was mind of my own business. One point I even said underwater, you guys are a beautiful group of squids. And they all stopped them. They were like, what did you fucking say, cut? And I was like, said you were beautiful.

And then they all started attacking me. Wow. I had to kill seven of them. You killed seven squirts. So now it's personal. Because they're all connected, like killer whales and crows. If you kill a crow, crow knows it was you, and then he tells his sister, and then they, like, attack you for the rest of your life. They have to kill them, too.

So don't kill a crow. murder it I'm winking to you now If you If you kill a crow Are you murdering a crow? No It's a war

It's nothing personal It's like Palestine and Israel It's just a thing You know your crow's pretty good It sounds like They know us more Ah

That was really good Ah Yeah One time I was attacked When I was 12 on a BMX riding through a park by a crow and I wasn't doing nothing I didn't said nothing to him or his family yeah I was mine of my own business just going through the park yeah and then they attacked me for like I didn't do as I said I didn't do anything I swear I didn't do anything I don't know

I promised you I didn't do anything you were just innocently riding a BMW through a park no I was doing wheelies on a BMX now it's a BMX it was a BMX from the get go I thought I heard BMW my guy no I do have a BMW, though. Do you do wheelies on it? I do burnouts. You ever hit a crow? I've hit the curb and, like, other cars. One time I tried to hit a person, but they jumped out of the way.

No way. Why? I just look stupid. I guess I didn't like you hitting on them. Yeah. Well, sometimes you got to, like, if I can't get the message through with my eyes, I'll hit you with my car, so you know I love you. God.

I had a dream catcher hanging on my rearview mirror once. You ever seen the dream catchers? Yeah, I don't like those. Oh, well, here's what happened. You don't know. if they're going to work or not, right? Dream catcher. It's almost like they don't. Right. And my dream was to one day look in Farah Fawcett's eyes when she was alive. I hit her in my car. She smashed through the window. Her eyes flew out of her sockets. They got caught right in my dream

catcher and I was looking right in her eyes until the police came. Things do work. If you want them to. Did you kill her? I did my guy. Right. You're a murderer. Ha! You know like a crow. Well, you know a group of crows It's called a murder of crows Yes, what do they do that? Because they like to kill Right, that makes sense When you said they attacked you

Because most of my viewers Have never been attacked by a crow Right, well, you're missing out Will they Does the attack look like a pecking? Does it a clawing? They swoop? Is it a swooping?

They swoop and then they peck you on the head. Wow, so you're a pecker had? That's what they thought I was, yeah. I took it personally. Yeah, well, how'd you fight back? I came back the next day with a bag of oranges. Oh, wow. I whipped them around while I was on my BMX.

So you beat up a murder of crows with a bag of citrus? I killed one. With an orange. And then that was when his sister was like, we'll see about that. They also tell people, like, crows in America have been told by crows in Australia that I'm not a good cunt. Wow. You ever met Russell Crow? Yes.

At the Viper room, before anybody knew who he was, because he was in this. movie where was a racist guy, it's romper stomper. He was in romper stomper. It was like a big movie in Australia, but not to America, nobody cared. Huge in Oz. And I love that movie, which is weird. I was suspicious, because why do you love that movie? Are you a racist, Jason? I shaved my head at the time. I'm not a racist. I'm a fat racist, remember? Right, right, right.

Sorry. But it's close. So I had that sort of like synergizing with Russell Crow being a racist and me being a fat racist. And then I saw him at the Vibor Room and it was back when you had to It's a big square where there's no line And then people pick you for being cool And let you in the club And I was in the line And I was going out with this penthouse pet

As I said, I love pets They're my favorite And that and Russell Crow was there And I was like, holy shit, that's hando Because that's his name in that movie Yeah, he gives a great one And he was looking at me And I was looking at him

And he comes over to me And he goes, as a guy, mate, You're from Australia And I was like, yeah, how'd you know? And he goes, only Australians look at me like that, man And he's like, what are you here? And it's like, I'm a pro skateboarder. And then he started looking at my penthouse pet.

And he's like, do you guys want to come in with me? And I'm like, holy shit. Russell Crow is getting us into the Viper room. And then... That's an L.A. story right there. Right? And then he got us into the Viper room. And then he was hitting on my girlfriend.

So that's the only reason he wanted me in there was, because as I said, she was a penthouse pet. Did you knock them out, mate? No. Did you tell them, let's step outside? I called some crows. And they fed, they put, like, fat stuff in his sandwiches and his beer. And that's why he's fat. Can I, will you be honest?

I am. Will you be mad at me? And you just told one of the best, most elaborate. Based on reality. Russell Crow stories we've ever heard here on the hollow hollaw. Has it called me since. Would you be upset if I topped your Russell Crow story with my own Russell Crow story? I would be honored.

You'd be okay with this? Yeah. I was at a Denny's. Yeah. Russell Crow. Well, if you're going to laugh, maybe this isn't the podcast for me. No, I'm sure this is going to top it, though. I was at a Denny's.

Yeah. That's believable. Russell Crow at one table. Yes. The other table, three tables over, Cheryl Crow. No. I follow them out into the alley behind the dumpster. Yeah.

They have behind Denny's dump. sexual intercourse. That makes sense. Cheryl Crow, you got two crows going at it. In an alleyway. Cheryl Crow laid seven eggs. That makes sense. On a Ralph's bag.

She's not real. Pardon you? She's not real. She's like, says she is. She's a mystical bean. Like a mermaid. But mermaids are real. Yeah, I met a mermaid once.

What? Where? Dark is dark. And I was in the sea fishing for octopus. What? Yeah. And it was. dark and I heard oh man and I was like is that me talking to myself because that's how I sound

yeah and I was like nah it's not me you know I mean because I was I was I was me and I was like I didn't say that to myself right and then it was like oh mate do you want to see me tits and I was like maybe that is me because that's kind of how I talked to myself for sure but then all a sudden this black haired moment look like a blackhead supermodel what am I hearing but she was green what but I thought because of the moonlight it was making her look green so it was a night made yeah A mermaid? Yes.

Okay. And then she was like, check these out. And she just floated up a little bit and showed me her green boobies. And they were a bit scaly. Did you get a Shrek boner? And that's when I knew she was a mermaid. And I was like, holy shit, mate. You're a mermaid, man.

And she was like, I'm a mermaid. A mermaid. I'm your mermaid. And then she gave me a hand job. That's a top look. Yeah. But I got fish herpes. What?

Yeah. Oh, the only way to get rid of those is with a lure. Oh, do you have one? Not on me. Because I'm still carrying it. Oh, God. Yeah. You can't give it to humans.

You can't? No, I mean, so far I've done it right. Wow. What's the best, in your opinion, let two questions. Yeah. What's your favorite tat that you've got? Metallica. My first tattoo ever.

The whole band? Yep. Or is it the word Metallica? It's the word Metallica. Wow. And where is it? Trampstown? the side of my leg I got it from hanky-panky in Amsterdam he's a famous tattooist

and then one time I interviewed Metallica on a red carpet and I didn't even know I was going to interview him I was like at X games that how you drink yeah that's how Ozzy's drink mate is it don't be such a con that is an aggressive sip I wouldn't give a four X for any other right jaw's lock son there you go so I was doing X game stuff because I'm a pro skateboarder, right? You know, I think they should do the X games in Tampa, Florida. The Tampa X games. I would do that.

I think it's a bloody good idea. I agree. Do it the same time every year, same time of months, so everyone knows it's that time a month. And that's all I'm going to say about it, period, the Tampex games. See what you did there. That makes sense. I would do it.

I don't know if the X games is going to be into it. They're weird about periods. Really? Yeah, they're pretty anti. I came to them once with a tampon and they were like, no. What? Yeah. Have you ever smoked a tampon, be honest.

Five times. No way. You got to dry them out first. Yeah, yeah. Obviously, you know. But the last, the butt is a bit harsh. Yeah. Yeah, that little tea bag thing.

A little bit. So you get the word Metallica. It was in another country. Amsterdam. It was in another country. Sorry. Yes. Was it spelled correctly?

It's got to be the first question. Yeah, I think so. I mean, I can't really spell. You don't, you've never looked, have you? I took his word for it. It looks. like the cover. So it could say mucinex.

Maybe. But it's shaped like Metallica, so it works. Okay. So either a heavy metal band or a mucous decongestate. I showed Metallica and they approved of it. Okay. I feel like if they were not, if they were in Mucinex, they would have been. Yeah.

They're in Metallica. Is there a metal band called Mucinex? No, but it's never too late. We could start it. We could like, you know, shoot phlegm all over the crowd. Next time to get a cold. Call me. What about the flu?

Either way, let's start a band. Can we start? You call me with the flu. I'll come over, slow dance with you. You give me the flu, then we record. Wow. Bucinex. SARS-alicious.

Have you ever had SARS? Yeah. It's pretty cool. It's really fun. I like it. It's really sort of relaxing. I do that instead of yoga. I get SARS.

Yes. Yoga's fake. SARS is real. Yeah. Have you ever heard of yoga bear? Yes. Hey, yoga bear here. I twist my legs around so hard.

I can sniff my own ballsack. It's a guy, yogi. He's a security guard for trees, right? For who now? Trees. Oh, trees. The wilderness. I think he defends rocks, too.

Yeah. Which is weird because rocks kind of defend themselves. Rocks are hard as rock. That's what they say. Now, let me ask you, Metallic is the best one. What's the best, and this is the second part of my question, what's the best tattoo you've ever seen out there in the world on someone else, not you, but what's a tell you went, But that's the best one I've ever seen.

Daddy loves that one. I like it when guys get, and it's usually guys, it's every time it's a guy. Monster energy logos, I think those are sick. You get a monster energy logo tattooed on your back. I saw a guy that had a whole back piece where it was just monster energy. And I'm like, God damn, that guy really wants to stay awake. I knew a fat girl that had the monster energy logo on her stomach. And I said, why do you have that monster energy logo on her stomach?

And I said, why do you have that monster energy? your energy logo tattooed on your stomach she goes those are my stretch marks asshole oh wow that's like when you say how how many months are you and they go i'm just fat you prick yeah oh yeah yeah that too depending on what country but wait you're you're generalizing you you lumped that into a group i'm talking about one individual tattoo where you just went yeah okay not a bunch of guys that got one similar okay a solo tattoo where you're just went that one registers i love that one okay one time i had a guy at a uh and it was a trans guy so he was it he was a woman and now he's a guy oh so you he didn't drive a corvette and

traded in for a trans he might of okay but he had like a weird goate because it was the best he could come up with at the time and he had like an open uh shirt like real open all the way down to his stomach and he had a ram and the ram's horns went up his neck and the ram's head was like in between his boobies and he had boobies and i was like like man tits nah woman's boobs oh because he was trans he used to be a woman and he hadn't taken them off yet because that's what they do when they it's called top surgery yeah and then they take them off and then they have like a chest like me but this guy hadn't done that yet and they were nice now was it a big horn sheep ram so that the horns twirled around the boobs

and they know the horn no the head was here and then the horns went over the top of the boobs and then the the horns came up and twirled up up his neck on the side of his face so sick was it sort of like one of those weird satan heads or was it like a goat it was evil as fuck oh like baffermay remember that guy mathamane baffirme is actually jesus Did you know that? Baphime was God and then somebody else wrote another book and changed Baffermay into a bad person But he's actually like a Muslim God

Jesus is your bath made? Yep And he's very holy Like a sponge, like a sponge bob square pants Who is also a god? He was and still is by the way Yeah, he lives under D.C. He's a god of D.C.

Yeah, he's Anglican. I think he's Anglican. Who's that guy that was the king of the sea? Oh, clit-face McSpongtwatt? Yeah, he lost the title to SpongeBob Square Pants. Idiot. Yeah, he blew it. Juked when he should have jived.

Yeah. She said. My favorite tat, and I'm not going to tell you unless you're really curious and you ask. I must know. What is your favorite tat? You asking me a question? I am. Is that okay?

Yeah, what was it? I'd like to know a little bit about you. Oh, what? Tattoos. Oh, what is your favorite? Oh, thank you. You're welcome. friend it was on the tip of my tongue well uh my favorite a guy i knew in a band a drummer yeah had a tattoo on

his arm of hervey villiches who is tattoo from fantasy island oh yes he had a tattoo of tattoo wow is that not the coolest tattoo ever my guy no kind of ruined my story sorry like it was really like charging like like 500 horsepower then you just pulled the fucking key out and it died on the side of the road yeah is this what friends do i mean you want to be to be like really honest right true it's a stupid tattoo you hate it depends on who's got it like a really cool drummer from a rock band no that's stupid if carrot top had it it'd be pretty funny really yeah it would make sense i thought about getting a tattoo of an apple on my adam's apple is that a goody yes that's a good idea yeah that's a good idea yeah that's a good idea

So are we back? Yeah, no, you're in my respect again. Wow. I was thinking about getting eyes tattooed on my eyelids. Oh, yeah. So I'm asleep. I still see you. Whoa.

Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. That would be a little scary. Yeah, but that's like that thing again where I'm a terrified little child. And if I have that, you think I'm scary and you stay away from me because I'm scared. But don't you want me to come in? Don't you want me to get behind the facade and get in?

You, I want you to, but not everybody else. Why? Why are you putting, man? But why are you keeping the rest of the world? I don't trust them. Why? What happened? Too many holes.

Boarding school? What happened, guys? A lot of things. People touched me before I asked. For real? Yeah. I don't blame you then. Yeah.

I mean, I am pretty attractive, but seriously, give it a minute, you know? Yeah. Let me grow up a little. Let me decide. Like a fine wine. Instead, it was more like they were touching my grapes. Wow. I hadn't even been picked off the branch.

So the ink is part of. of that tough guy exterior. Oh, yeah. Dole bullshit. You love the ink, though. Now I do, because now I just want one tattoo. Now it's not finished. There's gaps.

You're going to tattoo me? What is that? These are ink cartridges, and I want to know, does this turn you on? There'll be it, especially the pink one. You want to rub one on yourself or anything? I don't know. You said you love ink. Is this computer ink?

This is laser jet printer ink. I don't trust computers. I'm hot, part Aboriginal. It's not a computer. It's a laser jet printer. Yeah, but they're friends with computers. And if you're a friend of computer,

you're not friends with me. Yeah, but it shoots laser jets. I don't trust lasers also friends with robots. But a laser jet printer will protect your home because if bad people come, it'll shoot lasers and kill them. Yeah, but I could kill you. But you're not stronger than a laser jet.

I could kill a laser jet. Well, I guess I should put these away. Probably. So you're not turned on. No. No, it's turning me off. It's freaking me out. What about this?

That's weird. Why are you doing that? I'm just trying to see if you're getting aroused. By you rubbing laser. Laser jet ink cartridges on my titty hawks. No. On your, who's? My titty hawks?

You've got titty hawks? Or thunder slammers, whatever. I call the milk jug. Now I'm getting turned on. Okay, let's do a double milk jug reverse crab caker. Keep calling them, what was it? Titty hogs? That's pretty sexy. Rumble dumps.

Sometimes I call them my Winnie the Poos when they get hairy around the edges. Do you pluck your hairs around your nipples? That's not for you to know until we're slow dancing later to stairway to heaven. Fair enough. How am I supposed to stay focused if you're going to keep arousing me? You're right, my guy. How about this? Let's switch gears to another sex toy.

These are full of ink. Wow, you got a lot of interesting props. Well, these aren't props. These are for you. These are sex toys. Oh. You love ink, you said. And they're not big enough.

You ever sniff these? Yeah. Dude, I sniff these and go on the swirling teacups at Disney. Yeah? Listen to Iron Maiden in my AirPods. Wow. Are you freaking kidding me? You really know how to party.

Dude, look at me. Yeah. I'll use that as lipstick sometimes. No fucking flay flay. It's a sure real. Bobby Flamey. I want to be goth, but I'm not. Really?

Yeah. Sometimes I pretend to be goth. so that goth girls will sleep with me. And then once they sleep with me and I wake up in the morning, not goth-y, they leave me. Is it hard to sleep with a goth girl considering they hang upside down from the rafters? Yes, it is, because you get dizzy. And, you know, if the blood goes in your head for too long, you get puffy eyes. Yeah.

And I don't like being puffy in the morning. Like those goldfish with the big puffy eyes? Yeah, I've always thought when I'm on drugs that I am like a puffy-eyed goldfish in a cloudy tank. Wow. Last time I went for my physical, just for kicks. You know, I like to have fun. Yeah. I went in for my yearly physical,

and I got one of those goldfish with the giant puffy eyes and stuck it in my pants. So when my doctor pulled down, you know how they squeeze your testicle and tell you to cough? Yeah. He squeezed mine and I went, Blu-Blob-Boo. One time I injected a bunch of water into my butt hole

and then shot two goldfish into my butt and went to the doctor to get an x-ray to see if I could look like I was a human fish tank. Wow. Yeah. They kicked me out. Fuck off, right? They kicked you out.

Yeah. You're telling me you're sitting here today on the Harlan Highway podcast. You go into a doctor's office, shove a fish tank up your ass. And you're telling me they kicked you out. Right. What's the world coming to? Yeah, fuck them. I think it was racial profiling.

Racial profiling, modern medicine, you go straight to hell. When my guy can't walk into a doctor's office with a saltwater fish tank up his ass and little Nemo the whole room, then everyone can go straight to holy brindle fire hell, whatever brindle fire is. They lived. Can I ask you a question? I hate to interrupt this moment. Right.

How about a nice, tall, cool, clear glass of water? Right. I'd be into that. Especially if you're going to shoot me and hold me in a garage and torture me. Dude. Are you into torture? I love it. Makes sense.

I have an Iron Maiden in the living room. And... Iron Maiden, yeah. It's an old torture device from the Renaissance. It is. They didn't invent that name. No. Oh, there was a metal band in the Renaissance.

Yes. Yeah. That guy's a pilot. Who? Iron Maiden guy. Oh, Eddie Vetter? No. Eddie.

Eddie Vedder's not a pilot. Bruce, Bruce Falange. Yes. He's a pilot. Bruce Falange? I think so. He's the lead singer of Iron Maidaville. Yeah.

Yeah. He used to fly people to gigs. Stop. Do you know who Bruce Falange is? No. Did he invent felching? No, it just recurred to me. I think.

Bruce Dickerson is the name of the Iron Maiden guy. That sounds more familiar. Bruce Falunsch is like this big kind of... Seems like a chef that... No, he's a gay writer in Hollywood. He was on Hollywood squares. He has white hair and, like, big glasses and like the farthest thing, friend. It just occurred to me.

He could be in that band. Yeah, that's true. Those guys are old, too. Are they dead? Who, Iron Maiden? Yeah. No. He probably still flies people places.

Who? Oh, he's a pilot. Yes. Yeah, do you really really? I really want a guy flying around who's made a deal with the devil. Yes. Is that devil music? Yes.

Have you ever played Iron Maiden backwards? Yes. You know, it's Barry Manilow, right? It tells me that I'm going to make it. Really? Yeah, don't give up. Don't give up on me, baby. That's what the devil says.

Really? Yeah. Do you believe in the devil? Yeah, because I believe in God. Yeah, you got to, right? How is God, God was good friends with the devil, and then they, like, had a tiff. They split. Yeah.

because one of them wouldn't go down on the other. It's kind of like Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin back in the day. They used to be bros. And then boom. Egos, man, they get in the way. That's why I think God's got holes in him. Pardon me? That's why I think God, you got ego too much for Satan.

Have you ever come face to face with the devil? I've come on faces. How many times? I lost count. I've hit my head a lot. Wow. Yeah. I've been knocked out a lot.

I'm surprised I know you I'm surprised I know you from like when you did movies like the first time I ever saw you which was a long time ago it freaks me out that I remember that because I don't remember who I am Yeah I can barely tell who you are right now Makes sense

That's kind of every podcast I've been on But if you ever I'm friends with Tony Hawk That's who I am Tony Hawk Do you know who you lady? Kukkah! Kaka!

What if Cheryl Crow Russell Crowe and Tony Hawk got together. I made a baby. It would have to be like a blue heron. It would fly like a pterodactyl. Yeah. You've ever seen a pterodactyl?

I sure have. Me too. I love those guys. Oh, they're the best. Did you know that there's never been a woman teradactal? There's no females? Yeah, they're all men. Wow, so that the gay birds.

Yeah, like, like, what are those sea horses? Sea horses. They give birth. Yeah. They're men, women. They were trans way before it was cool. Speaking of gay birds. Yeah.

I was in Florida about three weeks ago. I saw a gay duck. A gay duck. I was on the beach and I was like, gay duck, gay duck. I'm pointing and I'm trying to, I'm like, quack, quack, and people came and they go, sir, it's a flamingo. Oh. I don't like that ain't, no, I mean, it's standing like this on one leg and it's got that cock sucker throat. I mean, just that pink velvet, it's pink quack, quack, it's a gay dog.

It is a gay duck. it's kind of like they just change the name to make it seem classy but let's be honest it's a gay duck I mean nature's tough right nature's everything's

everything's killing each other a lion elite a zebra lizard elite a grasshopper is nature tough or are we soft well then it's tough and then you're pink you don't want to be pink in nature I want to be pink

are you cereal I like pink am I cereal don't eat me oh don't ask fair Why do you want to be pink? Because it's like a, it's a beautiful color, and it's fun.

Your voice is changing. It's becoming a little bit more joyousom. Well, I like to be pink. I feel like being pink is friendly and approachable, and I'm sick of being dark and dangerous. It's boring and lonely. Dude, you're this close to being a care bear. I would like to be a care bear.

Your voice is changing and you want to be pink. Because I'm seeing myself as pink right now, and it's bringing joy to my heart. Oh, my God, you're a strawberry care bear. I would love to be strawberries as well. Oh, God. Did you know strawberries have certain things in them that make your body better? Oh, really?

Like what? Like, they make your organs happier? No way. Yeah, they have like magical potions in them. God made those. That's not a whole. So if I eat a strawberry and I feel, let's say, my spleen skipping around doing hopscotch or maybe doing some kind of 50s dance, just because it's happy?

Yes. Huh. But more, I would eat 50. Okay, well, then now we're in diarrhea country. Yeah, but the diarrhea is happy when it comes out your booty. Yeah, but are you happy? Inside. Yeah, but now it's outside.

Yeah, but the remnants of the magic potion stays inside your organs. Outside the rain begins, but it can never end. Cry no more. Who's that? Uh, hello, boss gags. Who's boss scags? Hello. Outside the rain begins.

Oh, that's going to help it? But it will never end. Cry no more on the shores of time. There's no. Oh, yeah. No, yeah, no. Right? Yeah, that rang a bell.

Rocephiosh. My bad. Yeah, I don't listen to a lot of that. particular music. Well, then this tells me we have to shift gears right into skateboarding. Yeah. Because this is a big part of your life. It's a big part of yours too.

Don't remember when we used to skate together? Well, here's where I'm going with this. I've come up, and I'm so proud of this, and I think you're going to like it. I've been saving this until we talked. I've come up with a new skateboard wheel design. Yeah? We've had compressed rubber since the beginning. I know it was hard clay initially.

We moved into the compressed rubber. Yes. I have developed, I've been working on this for seven years, compressed carbonite, stargrite, magnesium collatohide, a brand new skateboard wheel, and it spins. Yeah, that looks like a wheel that you put on the business chair. Well, this is sort of the design. Like, if you want a skateboard and let's say,

suddenly do a fax. Right. Or if you wanted to, you know, you're rolling down a hill, hey, I should make some copies. Yeah. And then the wheel turns and you're going straight and then you go sideways. Yeah. Maybe to the lunchroom. You go kind of wherever that wants to go.

So it's sort of like an office type of skateboard. I like that wheel, but I feel like that wheel is controlling me like the man. It's like a government wheel. It's like, I want to go that way, but it's like, no, you're going that way. And I'm like, but I really don't want to go that way. and it's like too bad, pay me your, pay me your money and like, let me rip you off and feed you poison. Here's where my podcast, my podcast, the Hala Hawa.

Yeah, I saw that. Comes full circle. We talked earlier about spirituality, connecting with things. Yeah. You had this sort of downbeat assessment of my new Carbonite Mongolian told Frank Frog and wheel. Yeah. What if you were to hold it and touch it and see if maybe you connected with it and

things changed? Is it got a break on it? Yes, it does in case you want to stop for lunch. But how could you get your hand down there to touch it when you're skating? You bend. Oh. It doesn't roll. Try taking the break-off guy.

Oh, wow. Oh, wait, it's two wheels in one. Holy shit, dude. You might have just changed the game. And hold on to your tampon for the fast. We call it the jumbo carmorganite transguicular fabricated wheel. The fatties. That's a good name.

You didn't sound like you just made that up either. Well. This is for like a rougher terrain. I think this could go over gravel. Yeah. And you know what skateboarders need? Gravel? No.

A wheel that goes over gravel because when there's too much gravel, you have to pick up your skateboard and walk. And if you walk, you stand in the gravel, and then you got dirt on your shoes. And when you get back on your board, you put. dirt on your skateboard this this fucking masterpiece that you invented takes that out of the game Tony this is for Tony Hawke Tony Hawk look what he did what's this one called again the fat fuck that's the fat fuck yeah what's this one that's the office supply wheel this has got two wheels Tony and check it out You can just bend down while you're skating.

If you need a break. You take a break. Yeah. Then, think about Tony when we're skating and then you see like a gravel patch and you're like, man, I don't think I can Olly like 15 feet. I got to pick up my board and walk on the gravel. He just fucking solved that problem for all of us, for skateboard kind. Two words. We salute you.

Two words. On behalf of skateboarding, we salute you. Two words to you. My friend, Jason. Yeah? You in? In, like Flynn. Wait, do I have to give you my money?

No. Well, then I'm in. Just to have you part of my revolution is all I want. I just want to be a part of a revolution. To have your name, your image, your spirit. Oh, yeah, that's the most important part. All over the fat fuck and the carbonated crumb corduroyd office wheel. That's all I want.

You have it. You have it. You have me. You had me at Fat Fuck. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Amazing. Can I smell it?

Please. It smells like glory. Hall? Have you had one of those? A glory hole? Yeah, I got one in my house. I've retired it, but boy, did it see some... What wall?

Wheaners. What wall was it on? Do you mind? My closet where I hide my gay. Okay. Yeah. And is there anything written over it or an image, like a drawing of George Michael? Stomp.

No, stop. Stop. Yeah. It says stop right over the glory hole. Yeah, you're not gay. Wow. God told me. Do you ever have men come over to the house and do, like, work, construction contractors?

Allegedly. Have they ever seen the glory hole? Maybe one of them put it in there for a small fee. Wow. If you know what I mean. Most of these contractors like to do cocking. they do you are right they're really good at it they really are but that's another that's for another episode probably right now my friend we come down oh no can i just say what a wonderful guest uh you've been

here on the harland highway thank good thank you i was nervous because of how glorious you are i want to do well you know no i'm on with the big dog you don't have to do anything you just have to be And here we go for our final episode. Do I have to do a shoeie out of it? Nope. This is called Words from a Wooden Shoe. What's inside is words. You pull a word out and see if there's a story from your journey,

whether it's yours or someone you knew or something you saw, and share it with my nine viewers. Okay. If you'd indulge us. Here we go, words from a wooden shoe. Jason has pulled a word. What do we got, my guy? Satan.

Really? Yes. Do you have a story? Wow. Satan. I used to hail Satan. What do you mean? He drove a taxi?

I had a tattooed on my neck. Hail Satan. Because I believe that I was not worth it. And the only thing that would help me is the dark side. Wait. You had a tattoo and you had it removed? What's it say? Hail Satan.

Wait, tell me again why you have it? Because I hated God so much that I want to. I wanted people to see that I think God is a pussy and Satan rules. You don't believe that, do you? Not anymore. I taught to God and God forgave me for the tattoo. He did? He's very loving.

He is. Isn't that great? A lot of people say that he's not, because there's a lot of people speak on his behalf that seem a bit mean. Yeah. But if you actually talk to the guy personally, he's pretty good. Dude, I love it that you found God. Are we high-fiving?

No, we're connecting. I want to feel the power of God channeling through you. For real. You feel it? Let it go. look me in the eye isn't it beautiful you do too

God is real and full of love that was a beautiful moment yeah good for you man I love I love that you did that yeah

you went into the dark and you found the light yeah and I couldn't if I hadn't told to God if you tried to do that I would have punched you in the face finally God works in a mysterious way

yes they say that but yeah he's shown me the light I talk to him all the time now. He makes decisions on my other half. And every time I listen to his call, it was the right call. Isn't it funny how he answers? He never, he didn't. And you know why?

Because I had a direct line to Satan. And he was pretty pissed about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And then I released it. I released him. Yes.

Because he was in me. He came through the back of my spine. And he, and then I had like this lady over the phone that released him. Yeah. And he came out. and then I actually got knocked out and when I woke up Tony Hawk was there and he was like hey man why are you here and I was like to do a podcast and he's like okay you're here but apparently before that when he asked me that I said I don't know and then I finally my brain came back and then when I got in my car to drive home Satan said hey man kill yourself and I was like that's harsh I like have a lot of work on my plate like that seems like I got things to do and he was like no seriously kill yourself and I was like stop saying that and he kept saying that for like three days and I was like okay this is I've got brain damage and this is the end for me

and then another voice said you don't have to listen to that anymore like I'm here can you hear me and I was like yes I can hear you how and then that quietened the kill yourself voice yeah and then I realized that the voice that was telling me not to kill myself and not to give up and to like push forward was God and then and then since then And then it's like, hey, man, like, do you want to go to this party and, like, film, like, sex things or something? And God goes, don't do that, dude. You've, you've been through enough. You don't need to do that.

Or do you want to smoke weed with this person? And I'm like, yeah? And then God goes, no, dude, you've had enough of that. You need to stop. So he's helping guide you. Yeah. I think it's, like, I can cry now of joy because God loves me. It's almost, I'm not going to say, it's more fun than the devil because there's a purity to it, right?

And he's more, I didn't think he's had the talent. I thought God was like, because sometimes, like, you know, Christian Rock sucks. Yeah. But, like, devil medal is badass. Yeah. So I was like, I don't think God has any talents. Right. And Satan does.

Yeah. And then turns out, nah, God has more talent because in the end, if they really fight, I mean, it's pretty obvious. God wins. Easily. Because he's a better fighter. And how, if you're a better fighter, does that not make? you more talented? Yeah.

So God's more talented to the devil. That's why the devil lives down here because he's been fucking beat down, dude. Crush.

God's on the top in the castle smoking doobies, just king in it. Doesn't even come close but he gave us free will to help us decide.

Because if you don't, if you just get told what to do, we don't like it. It's like the Matrix. You have to make the decision and feel proud of yourself even though God,

God steered you. And that's called faith. Yes, I have faith now. I say, hate faith. Love that song. It's so strong.

I listen to it every morning. George Michael God have faith One of the greatest gays of our time There's a lady who's show That's not that song I'm giving you a pre-ramble for our slow dance Oh okay yes yes

All that glissons is gold Because we're talking about God And he's buying a stairway To heaven That's where I'm going Ladies and gentlemen Wow Jason Ellis

Unbelievable. You're unbelievable. Wait, unbelievable. Well. Maybe later. Depends on how good of a slow dancer you are. Right here on the Holland Highway podcast.

Before we go, my guy, tell the world, tell everyone who's watching where they can see you. If you have anything you want to plug, please. The Jason Ellis show. It's on iTunes and all that stuff. It also has a Patreon where I do four live shows a week.

Patreon.com slash Ellismate. Then I do a podcast with Tony Hawk called hawk versus wolf and if you want to see any of my comedy the jason ells.com is the website to go for all my dates yes go see them and uh you won't be disappointed gang and what a pleasure to have you here you're a right con you're a sweet cun until next time ladies and gentlemen that's it meet us out at wolf creek where you can get a nice tall cool class of water and until then chicken chow me baby oh look at that

it stopped perfectly right at the thing you're pro that's the gods work it's like it again because he's here thanks buddy hey everybody

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