The Harland Highway - JEFF DYE- Comedian and Big Foot Expert!

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

Comedian Jeff Dye talks baseball, addiction, and all things Big Foot! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, everybody. This is it. We've been waiting for this feature here on the Harland Highway. We finally have a phone number that you guys can call in, leave a quick brief message, and we might play it on the show, and I can give you advice, I can give you my thoughts, I can make jokes about it. You can leave any message you want. Give us a call, and let's just see what that number is here. get the old peepers on. 323-6-9-6-0-2-2. We'll put that number right up on the screen here. Give us a call, leave a message, and maybe you'll be on the Harlan Highway podcast.

Because everyone in my life golfs. Everyone in your life. Dude, I get invited to golf, mostly because old guys love me. So, like, old guys will be like, I'll pick you up on Sunday. We'll go golf. Oh, my God.

So old guys love you? Screw golf just head down to the bathhouse. Yeah, well, they want to do old guys stuff for me. Okay. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Yeah.

They're all F with it, you know what I mean? Yeah. F with it. I like that. Yeah. Keep it clean for you. That's code, though, right? F, when you say F.

Whenever I say F, I'm just abbreviating the word fuck. Oh, okay. That's what officially it is? It's PG, yeah. F. So I don't F with it. So that's just to shorten it. Yeah, I think so.

I mean, maybe it means something different. Maybe it's French. F. F, EF. French off. But wait, is it just out of curiosity, is it because you don't of the energy for the other three letters, or were you...

No, I've got the energy. I say a lot of F bombs, yeah, but, you know, it's just like if maybe some children were listening to the Harlan Highway. Oh. You know, keep it clean for them. I don't need them going. I learned the F word from Jeff Dye. So you're just saying the F out of concern for the youngans.

It's right. Yeah, I want to make sure nobody's offended by the F word. Wow, that's considerate. You do that, right? You're a clean guy. Yeah. I don't think I've ever heard of you curse You curse?

I don't do it much Yeah I do it like sort of in private When I'm with buddies Yeah Like if I'm fishing or we're doing something crazy But like bowling Yeah

But I don't I'm not too much of a cursor on stage It's hard to bowl and not shout the F word Yeah That is tough Unless you're really good at bowling Then it's easy you not to Well even when you're good

when you get a good hit, then you like, F, yeah. Yeah, I get that. Before we jump into it, by the way, folks, Jeff Dye is here. Comedian, writer, actor. Am I missing anything, buddy? Those are the, yeah, comedian. The three, plight around children. I'm a terrible actor.

You are? Yeah. Why? It feels weird. I haven't found, like, my acting voice, you know? Really? I could play myself in something, but like I played myself in the, or I was in a movie not that long ago. Yeah.

And they go cut and I was like, what happened? And they go, you're supposed to be like cool, you know, you're a drug guy. Yeah. I'm not a drug guy in real life. I was like, I don't know how to do that. They're like, yeah, it's called acting. You've got to act like you're that. And I was like, oh, yeah.

I just, I can do me. Yeah. But unless the character's not just like me, I'm not very good. But, see, you saying that makes me feel hope because I, Whenever you watch these actors, like the serious ones, like Hoffman, Sean Penn or whatever, they always say, just be you. Just like, I always hear that note. Just be yourself.

The more you can just be you when you're acting. So maybe you're destined to be a great actor. But don't give me some role that isn't me. Yeah. Because then I'll go, I don't know how to do this. Yeah. You're a great actor. We were talking about it before we started.

Well, I don't know if I'm great, but I enjoy it. See, I, for me, the acting is to not be me. I like jumping into, I like, I love finding other characters. That's good acting. Right? Yeah, that's, see, that's what I was, that's what I wish I was. And did you see the way I'd get, had my hand going? Like, that wasn't real.

That was part of me. Yeah, it was an actor. It was an act. It was like a tiny frog I pictured. I was like doing acting on you without you knowing, but then you knew I was acting. And so. Only when you told me. Really?

Yeah, that's how, I was, I was hoodwinked. Wow. I like that word. Or, as I say, aged. Yeah, you don't want kids picking that one up. You don't want them getting that one. That's even longer than F. You know what's funny is the last time I did the Tonight Show,

I wanted to open with the joke, they scrapped it. Oh, the T.S? Yeah, the T.S. Yeah, the T.S.W.J.F. Wow. Yeah. Also a sexuality these days, by the way. Yes, they're adding it.

Yeah, we don't know what it is. Yeah. This TWFS Warner Brothers, a pair of our mouth. B-S-W-J-F with Jimmy Fallon. Oh, yeah, P-P-P-P-P-P-P. Yeah, Disney Paramount Plus. That's all I know about the features. It's going to be hard to remember things, for sure.

Is that why they do the whole, the, the LGBTQ plus because they're planning to add more letters? What are you asking me for, buddy? Well, you're acting like you're straight right now. It's acting. It's pretty good acting. So, wait, the tonight show. The plus on LGBTQ2 plus means one. More is coming.

Is that what it is? Buckle up, yeah. For sure. They're saying, we don't want to close this off. How many more can there be, for God's sake? I don't know. It's very strange.

I wonder if they start, is there a world where we start creating new letters? Well, maybe they could each be different communities. Why does it have to be the same community? Yeah. You know, why can't the twos be their own community? Why do they got to be in the LGBT? The twos?

Yeah, the two spirits. You know all about these people? No. Yeah, they have two spirits. Like inner spirits? Yeah, two of them. What's the first one? Who knows?

That sounds like a Dr. Seuss character. It's real. Someone told me there's two spirits. And then I wanted to come up with a bunch of stereotypes and do comedy about the two spirit people. Because most people don't know much about them, but, you know, they drive terrible, you know. And they're obsessed with bubble wrap, you know.

Really? These two spirits are. See, I thought maybe it was an indigenous peoples. I don't know. Because you throw two spirits. I picture a guy on a horse with war paint on. Like it seems like a. A Native American, two spirits.

The two spirits are coming. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I don't know what it is. I mean, I feel like if any two spirits are watching the show, they're going to say, hey, I drive fine. You know, they're going to get mad at me for doing this. But I think they'd be, I thought it'd be funny if we came up some stereotypes for them. For the two spirits.

Yeah. Doesn't someone already have that stereotype, though? And we don't need to say who. Oh, yeah. Doesn't somebody have women. The Ws. The Ws. Yeah, my bad.

Fs. Yeah, F the Ws. Whoa, wait a minute. This one's edgy. This is an edgy. This is an edgy. I didn't mean to bring this out of you. Dude, this is an edgy E.

I all this one. I should have just said the F word, shouldn't I? No, I think what you're doing is right. We live in a sort of a toxic, acerbic kind of world, and it doesn't seem like everyone's necessarily got children's best interests in mind. And for you to barge in here. Here I am. and to have the concern.

Yeah. And to be looking out for the youngans. Yeah. Bro, I don't get that from a lot of guests. I, uh, you know, you were, you made a, on one of your prior episodes, you, you, you said, you were saying that the word, the B word is very toxic, you know? Mm. Yeah.

It is. I don't like that word. Right. I don't like the B word. I like the F word more than I like the B word because the F word is sort of generic to everyone. Yeah. And the B word zones.

on one gender and I have four beautiful wonderful sisters yeah and I every time I hear that word I don't like it um yes are your sisters older than you or younger two younger too old are right in the middle sandwich boy only brother yeah oh wow I'm the only boy I'm the only boy but I was the baby how many cissies uh two older sisters but they had a bunch of their friends around all the time so so it felt like I had like six sisters there was always women just you know did you score with the sister's friends a lot? No. Me neither. Yeah, never one. Not even once.

And you only had two. I had four. There should have been some. And younger, yeah. There should have been some residual, like, drop off. Yeah. I was a late bloomer. Oh, man. Were you a late bloomer? No, I wore pants. Nice. But, um, wait. Do you, I want to, before we get too deep in it, first of all, let me hit the theme music.

Here we go. folks. Well, now, that's right. You on the Hall of Highway podcast. And what a guest we have today. I already introduced them. J.D., Jeff D. And, buddy, welcome to the show.

Thanks for having me. Before we get any deeper into it, do you like saving money? I do. Can I give you a money tip? Yes, please. Which will benefit you now. and in the afterlife. Oh, wow, that's a long time.

Who gives you this kind of financial advice? I've never had it, yeah. Here we go. So, as you know, everything costs money. Yeah. Even when we die. And when you get a gravestone done, you have to get it engraved with your name

and a little saying. Yeah. And every damn letter costs money. So what I want to offer up to you, so you can plan. Okay. Is an apostrophe D. Oh.

And this will help you save big time. Explain that. Well, now you don't have to, you know, hear lies, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. So now you can just put the apostrophe D after die. Yeah. And you're on gravestone. It just says Jeff died.

Yeah. Save some letters. Save letters. Save engraving. Save money. Wow. It's from me to you. My relatives are going to,

my sisters are going to thank you for this. Just for me. Save some scratch, you know? dude good man i thought it was an ad read or something and i was really just you know prepping for your ad read no you're really helping me with uh helping you save bucks guy have you thought about what you want on your gravestone like what do you want it to say how you want to be remembered you know i think i have a little bit it's it's it's my kind of my motto that i live by where i go um live live life don't let life live you

and I don't know if I can put that as a past tantor he lived life he didn't let life live him oh I like that yeah you know it's a little it's a little more serious like you'd probably expect it to be comedic because I'm yeah I like comedy but that's sort of my credo that I live by I like that what is that what about you know my dad reads that he's like well I got to work or is this guy we can't all be on movies and telling jokes you know hey I end to let life live me So my kids could eat Yeah

Well that's what I'm saying It's like It's like you should dictate your life The way you want it to be Still have the kids And whatever you want to do But it doesn't mean It reflects my lifestyle

It just means you as an individual Enjoy your life Like live your life Don't let all the rules And all the barriers And the boundaries And the you know Just live your life

I like that. Yeah. What's on your gravestone? I think it'll say last words and then it'll say, check this out. You know, or watch this. I feel like those are me my last words,

you know? Watch this. His last words were like, hey, check this out. And then I'll probably do something stupid and die. Yeah. Like,

that'll be like me and be like, hey, check this out. Yeah. I was going for a laugh, even in the end, you know. And it's maybe one of those Instagram posts where you're on the edge of a cliff on the grand can. Hey, check this out.

Yeah. And then your gravestone just reads, oh, it's like 17A, one A and 15 H's. It's perfect. A lot of letters, though, you know? Yeah.

Jeff. Back to the Brum. Yeah. Just Jeff died. Do you think that that's going to get updated, like cemeteries, gravestone? Like, we haven't really updated this.

Yeah. Everything else is going to modern times. And we've seen an upgrade in everything. Yeah. Not the, not the, the, the, what are those called? Cemetery. Cemetery. Not a cemetery.

Very old. It's funny. I approached a buddy of mine probably had to be over maybe 18 years ago. I had an idea to do a digital cemetery where you just go online and, you know, it's this service and they have a page dedicated to your loved ones with a video clip with, I think it's called Facebook actually. But it's for the dead. It's for the dead. Yeah. Right? And I thought everyone's got deceased people. This way they don't have to go to a cold, depressing graveyard. Yeah. Which people don't really do. Like,

I hate to say it, but I don't know that I've ever gone to visit very many people in a graveyard. It's too depressing. It is depressing. Also, it's, we forget how many people have been forgotten. You know,

you know, like I would visit my parents' gravestones. Yeah. I've been to my oldest sister's gravestone. I think if I have kids, you know, they might go to my parents' gravesstone. They're definitely not going to go to their parent. They didn't meet them. Yeah.

So it's like, there's got a lot of forgotten people in the, in the, it's all forgotten. Yeah. And then you go, hey, is that the, she played Princess Leia. And then you're just kind of like, you know, or, or Lemmy from like, you see his grade. Leverne and Shirley, lemmy? Is that? Oh, wow. That's the exact lemmy.

Wow. But I'm saying, like, unless you're famous enough that. Like whatever, but so like, there needs to be a new idea because it is taking up a lot of land. It's taken up a lot of land. I mean, those could be golf courses. That's how I thought. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Or it might be fun if they left them as golf courses. And when they buried people, especially fatties, they just buried them about this far underground with their mouths open. And you could say, hey, I just put it into Delta Burke's mouth. Yeah, just made it in Princess Leia. You know what I mean? It's a big deal. I just popped it into Princess Leia's an open mouth. If it is on the fairway, too, and you're just driving, you know, it would really punish those bad golfers.

You know, someone sucks and you're like, you idiot, you hit it in the graveyard. You got to go find your ball, you're chipping through the, so maybe it would, you know, maybe like keep it the same. I like this idea. Yeah, and think of the wonders the golf shoes would do for the stiffies. Oh, yeah. Like aerating their skin, giving the maggots more holes to go in and out. You're helping. You're helping them decompose.

We take good care of these golf courses. you know, this way the cemeteries get as much care. Right. I think you're doing the Lord's work, that's what I think. Yeah, and then you get a hole in one or you make a good putt. Some little guy runs out with flowers and, you know, you're rewarded, right? This is a $100 idea, right? Yeah, yeah.

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do you golf i tried it but i grew up playing hockey like french canadian i had to play hockey so you'll tee off and then the next guy goes up you start fighting him well i was i wasn't although i did i did have to break up a fight on a golf course really yeah bizarrely but but Because I grew up playing hockey, I could never get the swing, like, out of hockey land. Like, you've got your hand way low on it. Yeah, not like that. Yeah, like when I'd line up to hit the ball off the team, man, it was always like a little wonky because I just was so hockey coordinated.

Yeah. I am baseball guy, which means, oh, nice. Yeah, I play baseball my whole life. Oh, wow. Not at like a high level or anything, but it's just a big interest of mine. Yeah. And so I bend my wrists. And in golf, that's terrible.

So the ball just slices. I mean, I had like 400 yards, but then it's not straight. So it just looked like a dope. But I'm going to learn how, because everyone in my life golfs. Everyone in your life. Dude, I get invited to golf, mostly because old guys love me. So, like, old guys would be like, I'll pick you up on Sunday. We'll go golf.

I'm like, all right. Old guys love you? Screw golf just head down to the bath house. Yeah, well, they want to do old guys stuff for me. Okay. So they want to go golfing. They never want to have sex with me, you know? Oh, God, they will.

Cigars and golf. But I'm like, I should probably get good at this. This is not, you know, it's not going anywhere that people keep wanting me to golf. Wait, what do you mean you play baseball? Like, what's your position? Well, growing up, I loved first base. Why? And shortstop.

Why, why did I like that? I always found first base too much pressure. Well, I like that you get a lot of action. You do. You get the ball a lot. Always. Yeah. But it's not as much pressure as like pitcher or catcher. It's like the third most touching the ball.

So I feel like it's the third most pressure. Yeah. But there's a lot of attention on it. I don't know. I always felt very nervous at first base. I like it. Did you have play baseball growing up? A little bit.

I did some pitching and I like to hit. Hockey, Canada stuff. Yeah, yeah. You didn't do baseball. I mean, I didn't even know, I don't know what sports are like up there. Oh, yeah. It's hockey. Well, it's the land, you know, hockey and lacrosse were born in Canada.

Didn't know that. Yeah. So it's hockey and lacrosse. and then everything else, but you grew up in Portland, right? Seattle. Yeah, Seattle. Seattle.

And baseball was so fun. Like, I was upset. I don't know what it is about baseball. I'm, like, obsessed with it. Even to this day, I watch baseball all the time.

I look, my Instagram's, my Instagram feed is just baseball stuff. And, like, also the Instagram feed, like, we'll send you old things. So,

so, like, I'll send it, I'll, like, send one of the Instagram things to my buddy. Like, do you see this? Trade, trade rumor. And he's like,

that's from, like, six months ago. And I was like, Oh, I didn't know. So it's all like baseball. I have a ton of baseball in my life. Who's your favorite player of all time? It's tough.

It's got to be Ken Griffey Jr. Why? Because I grew up in Seattle. So in Seattle it goes, it goes God, your dad, and then Griffey. And probably higher is Griffey. All right. So take your hometown out of the equation and just on talent level. Not that Ken Griffey wasn't a talent, but just like take all the emotion all

and just looking at the game. game, who was your favorite? Nolan Ryan. The pitcher? Yeah. Why? Nobody can touch his records. Really?

I didn't know that. No one will ever touch it. So he's like the Gretzky Jordan of pitchers? In my opinion, yeah. And these are statistically. He's, statistically, he's the number one. I think the most no-hitters anyone's ever thrown is three.

That's my guess. I think it might be two. Nolan Ryan has seven. I didn't know this. Yeah, he has the most strikeouts in a single season. He has two no-hitters in the same season, which has never happened. Really? He threw a no-hitter at the oldest age.

He has the most two-hitters, three-hitters, and four-hitters. Oh, sorry, the most one-hitters, two-hitters, and three-hitters. The most no-hitters. He has every record, except Sai Young, which is voted on by baseball people. Did he stay? Sorry, I don't know more about this, but did he stay consistently with one team most of his career? No. How does a guy like that get traded away?

I think he dictated that. Oh, he did. Yeah, because he's like, he was a Met as a rookie. Okay. And then he went to, I might get this out of order if anybody's, you know, well, real snobby about this. But he went to the Angels and then from the Angels, he went to the Astros and then from the Astros to the Rangers.

And I think it was based on where he wanted to live. Because he's like an old Texan and he's like, yeah, playing Houston. And then they're like, well, you know, how about Arlington? You know, and they shipped him off to a different Texas. Suddenly he's with the Bermuda. Starfish. Yeah, he's one of these old grumpy guy. He'd play for anybody.

Okay, got it. You know a guy you'd love is Mani Ramirez. Oh, yeah, Mani, yeah. He's easily one of the funniest people in baseball. Like, he didn't understand, like, he'd be like, just let me go play in the minor leagues. Dude, I kill it down there. Yeah.

And they're like, you know, we want you to play in the pros. He's like, I know, but when I was in AAA, I was hitting like, you know, two home runs a game. And they go, I know, but we need you up here. He's like, but if I was there, I'd be the great. greatest player. Yeah. He just couldn't understand.

He kept trying to get him to trade him to the Pawtucket Red Sox. Yeah. For real? Yeah, he really wanted to. But didn't he, he must have known the money dropped down. He had so much money.

Yeah, he just wanted. That he didn't even get it. The love of the game. I just want to play baseball at really high level. What do you think about the Japanese players that come into the league? Like, what's your take on them?

Like, do they feel, is, does the fact that they're Japanese, does that sort of, take them out of that sort of American apple pie vibe? Or do they fit in great? They fit in perfect. Also, that's

my favorite. One of my favorite things about baseball is like, it's the most diverse sport ever. We have Dominicans, Cubans, Venezuelans, Japanese, Korean. There's Canada. There's Canadians. There's literally Mexico is a huge... That's true. But also, it's the most diverse in body size. You have guys that are really tall.

You have guys that are short. You have fat guys. It's the only sport where you'll just see a big fat. guy. Yeah. Like David Wells was drunk when he played and he was a fat guy and he was great. Yeah, he played for the Toronto Blue Jays. Yeah. My team, yeah.

Yeah, you have every shape and size. And it isn't just like certain like positions. Yeah. You know, you'll see like a six foot eight outfielder, six foot 10 pitcher, you know, and then you'll see a short pitcher and you'll see a short outfieler. Yeah, you're right. It's pretty cool. It's funny because, yeah, you look at the landscape of hockey, the NHL and it's, you know,

there's maybe more Europeans, but it's mostly 90, probably 8% predominantly white men. Most of them, North American. Cold sport place or cold, like area places, right? Yeah, well, yeah, technically, yeah. Russia, Ukraine, Ukraine, Sweden, Denmark. And then there's the really good ones of the Eskimo players. Is that true? Oh, yeah, they're so good.

Charlie Nuktank kank with the North Stars. He crushes it. Unreal. And on the Pittsburgh Pregman's... Yeah, I've seen him. Oh, God. He's never wearing the uniform. That's what's weird about that guy.

He'll just wear what he wants. He's the only guy out there with a caribou hide on. It's unbelievable. We were talking about Dave Wells playing drunk. I think that guy plays drunk. I don't know. Wasn't there a famous picture that... In fact, I know there is.

Maybe you know who it is who admitted he, pitched a world series game on acid or something for the pittsburgh pirates uh doc ellis and didn't he like pitch a really good game threw a no hitter yeah he threw a no hitter it wasn't a playoff game or anything but like he just didn't know he was pitching yeah and i guess like back in the day like in the 70s a lot of the players would do drugs like during the season all the time it's pretty normal like i guess nobody talked about it but it was there you know this thing that yeah and so he like did drugs and then uh he took greenies is what he called i don't know what that means I think it's an acid of some sort.

Wow. And then his girlfriend's, I gave. It's also a dog treat, by the way. Yeah. Did you know that? Greenies. Greenies is actually a dog treat. Yeah, I hope that they're not the same thing.

I don't know. It's really Randy Moss. You ever give your dogs fire crackers? Like, no, Randy. Yeah. Did he say that? Yeah, he just said that. He gave his dog firecrackers?

He was asking a woman that we know, like if she ever gave her dog firecrackers. Wow. And he was like, it makes your dog go crazy. You're like, yeah, that's why we don't. Oh, yeah, dogs hate it. No, he's. fed him to him. He fed lit?

Yeah. Well, I don't know if it's a lit or what, but he's a very unusual question to ask someone. Jesus, yeah. So the guy threw a no-hitter on LSD. Yeah, and I guess it was like the most wild pitches ever, too. You think of no-hitter like, oh, just a nice, no, he was throwing behind guys, he was throwing a guy, he hit guys. Wow.

Have you ever gone on stage on any type of substance? Oh, yeah. You have? Yeah. Did it affect your game? Um, so one time I did mushrooms during, the day. Okay.

And then at night, I was like, dude, I guess I, you know, I thought this would wear off by now. Right. We're going in. We're going in. And the show was actually great. Really? Yeah. The show was amazing.

I had a great show. Now, I wouldn't do it again. But was it great from mushroom high guy looking out or was it great from audience looking in and going, wow. The crowd was like, we've never seen you like that. So it made me communicate better for sure. Wow. Yeah.

now was that scary to a degree where you went uh-oh that was something really good maybe i need to replicate that no was there any fear i saw it as like like you made it through we don't need to try that again right like that went well because i i was i've been an alcoholic most of my life you have yeah i'm 93 days sober some feeling good yeah feel great very happy good for you um but there were so many times on stage that the substance was not in helping me. So you were drinking on stage. Oh, yeah. And all the early shows crushing it.

And all the late shows is like, what is this? Did you ever get like sloppy? Because I remember I used to see and hear about, you know, Mitch Headbar just he'd go up on heroin. Oh, wow. And there were, there were club owners that told me, yeah, Mitch literally was just laying on his back on the stage, doing his material. And he's such a legend that we think of that as it's almost.

like romanticized or cool, but probably not. To me, it made me angry because I knew it was ultimately leading to his death. Yeah. And it did if not his death, I knew it was leading to a bad place. And when he died, I just, I've had

sympathy, I had empathy, but I was also angry. He's like, dude, you shortchanged yourself. You shortchanged the world of your unique gift. And it was all there in front of you. And I know addiction's hard. It's not like, hey, I'm just quitting. But it just, it made me mad that he did that, but I also have sympathy that

it's, it's a tough thing to be. I have, I identify with that so much. Yeah. Because I was, here's the thing. It's not like any of the late shows were like so terrible that I feel mad at myself, but it was unprofessional. It was really like selfish to just be that hammered on stage. Were you like super like slurring words? Only a few times. Yeah. But, still, they could have gotten a better show if I was more alert and prepared instead of me just being, because the early shows were always great. Always good. I don't think I

had a bad early show in 20 years. But the late show is just like, you know, just something's off. I'm a little more negative. I'm a little more like, I think I'm so cool. And it's not cool. It's, it's unprofessional and also just like, yeah, I don't know why. I just, I don't know how I didn't

come to the conclusion of getting clean sooner. Was the impetus to drink just to kind of have more fun on stage or was it just as you said it was just problematic you couldn't not do it i could have not done it but i just did because that was like my habit of just checking all the time yeah was it like frosty beers or was it like hard alcohol uh it was always uh jamison and then i would like chase it with beers but yeah yeah just you know like a bottle of jameson a night interesting yeah wow did you feel it tripped up your your timing and your your speed with the crowd your

reaction time yeah in every every one of those boxes you just said the advantage was that i didn't care oh so that's a great advantage is that like i don't give a i you know like my like not giving an ass uh show through so that's pretty cool that like uh that is like oh man this guy will say anything he's like fearless yeah but it was a fake kind of fearless and it was a it was you know using these other things that it was all these things working against me but the only advantage was like, I didn't, you know, someone complains like, all, all. Like, I don't care at all. Yeah. Yeah. Which takes, you know, weird way a certain amount of courage to, which is not maybe the courage you want. Did you ever carry that on to like a talk show appearance? Oh, yeah. Morning TV.

I was always drunk. Really? Yeah, I was always drunk on morning TV. Really? Yeah, I didn't care at all. Also, it's okay if those go bad. Yeah, the morning TV. The hosts are probably twice as hammered as you were. And I hate them. That more, they make you do that morning TV? Oh, I just. just did it like last week in Denver. Oh, it's so terrible. Yeah. Wait, were you at Comedy Works? Comedy Works in Denver.

That's funny. They don't ask me to do it anymore. The TV or the club? No, I was just at Comedy Works for New Year's Eve. Yeah. Did like seven shows. Yeah. It was packed, sold everything out, great weekend.

They didn't even email my manager or agent about doing morning television. Oh, well, if everything was sold out. No, it's not that. I think they're just like, we've had him before. It's all right. We don't need him. Did you have a specific one that just went off the rails big time that was like sort of, whoa. Yeah, one time a woman on, it was, I think it was in Denver.

Okay. She, well, maybe I'm just making it up that it's Denver because there is a girl that's a feminist in Denver that has like a morning thing and she hates me. So that's maybe why I'm just because you're a man. Yeah, or in general. She's one of these things that just tries to find a way to poke you. And what was it? She poked you? Like, what was the?

No matter what it is. You know, like, I would say a thing. She's like, huh, it seems like you have, like, a thing about it. And I'm like, no, I'm just making a joke. And then, like, I had, like, a pretty public breakup. And she's like, she was, she knew not to ask about it. And she's like, well, if this is already going poorly, I might as well just ask you. And then she asks me about the girl I was dating.

So that was annoying. Oh, geez. But the one that went worse, I think she said she was allergic to chocolate. Like, she couldn't have chocolate. So I suggested that if I was allergic to chocolate, I'd just kill myself. because I like chocolate so much. But it's me basically telling a morning television host she should take her life because she can't have chocolate.

Yes. Yeah. But I mean, I just, you know, it's beautiful. So stupid, but. Are you allergic to anything? What are your allergy? This is what, hang on, let me, this is a big question. New segment.

Jeff Dye. Are you allergic to anything? I think that's an important question, guy. Like that music would be for something deep. Right. Are you, what are you allergic to? I am unable to enjoy the pleasure of penicillin. Wow, and it's so good when you're watching a football game.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, do you like the barbecue or the honey garlic? Penicillin donuts to the game, and I was like, I can't. So sorry. I'll die. What happens to you? Do you swell up? It might just be a chival.

They gave it to me when I was a kid and I like, oh, they had to take me to the hospital. So I haven't tried it. You might be through it. Maybe. Because isn't that a thing? Don't kids. Here's, I'm just going to throw this out here. Next time, just does it throw as a test.

We should try it. Next time you get a sexually transmitted disease, give it a shot. Say, what's the harm? When you get that chlamydia next time, just pop a few in. That's, maybe I'll try it on a podcast. We'll just try some penicill and just see what happens. See what happens. Because people do that with drugs all the time.

They're always farting around. with drugs. I'll try some penicillin. See what shakes. Look at that. You want to kill me? That'll do it. Hazelnuts. You know what I like about you? This is, you can't have hazelnuts yet you're fearless enough to keep it this close to you. That's wild. You got to keep your enemies close, bro. You are, yeah, literally. Like if you wanted to kill me, I don't, we talked about gravestones earlier. Jeff Die. If you wanted to kill me, yeah. All it would take is a butter knife. You take it out, you spread that all over me, which is what you do with

Nutelli, spread it, and I'm dead. What a delicious way to go, though. Well, for you. Have you had it before? Never tried it. Yeah, I have. That's how I know. Oh, wow. Yeah. Hazel nuts. Hazel nuts is what gets me. What's wrong with God, man? Why is he doing this? Why God want to play me like God? Yeah, I mean, like, why? It's just a nut that comes off of a tree and it can kill our friend Harlan Williams. Why God want to run up on me and do a Rambo player Yeah, that goes to you, God, he's not asking me But this is a, that's a, that's hazel, nothing else? Pine nuts

Really? Some, a lot of, a lot of nut, legumes and nuts. Yeah, but wait a minute. Legume, is that Canadian? Legume. Isn't that mushroom? I know, I think it's like a cashew as a legume. Legume also sounds like a body of water somewhere.

A nice legume. Let's go canoeing up the legume and get some fucking hazelnut. I left my pole in the legume. God, I lost my virginity in the legume. It was a big, wide, stinky legume, too. So many things were lost that day. Yeah. But wait, don't most nuts grow under the ground?

I have no idea. I know nothing about it. Well, wait a minute. No, almonds grow on trees. Hazelnuts grow on trees. I didn't know that. I knew the, the, the, the, the, the, almond. Wait, what was the first one you said?

Almonds. Oh, I didn't. I don't know where those go. They have, like, almond groves. But aren't peanuts, like the, aren't peanuts pulled out of the ground by a root? I don't know. It sounds, I mean, oh, Jeff. Oh, Jeffrey.

Where did the nuts come from? I don't know. This is like, isn't this stuff? Oh, Jeffrey. Shouldn't someone have taught us this? Jeffrey, no. No idea. Oh, shit.

Like, if I was like some guys, like, you tell, you know, I wouldn't have no idea. But why don't either of us know? That's what's frightening me. We're both grown men. Yeah. We've both been drunk on stage. And we don't know where nuts come from. We never needed to know.

That's really the secret. But we needed to know right now. That is true. And we don't. One time I was in Japan and we were driving, we're in the shuttle. Talk to me. And the person's, the person's giving us this thing. And, you know, you're half listening.

You're kind of just soaking it all in. Like, I'm in a foreign. country. I must be a better person now that I've traveled. And I'm looking out the window and they go, this is all the rubber fields. Oh yeah. I said what? They go there. This is where they grow rubber. Did you know that? Yeah. Had no idea. Rubber comes from trees. I thought it was like melted down something. I don't know what I still don't understand it really. What's interesting, I think. I think a lot of the rubber trees are in India or they're in one specific region and the rubber trees are getting thinned out to the point where people aren't going to be able to have sex soon. Yeah. Safe sex. I was worried

about my tires, but yes, sex. Yeah. Well, the rubber trees with the knot holes are the good ones. That is a fact. You can't get those trees pregnant. No, which is great. And if you start humping too hard, to just bounce right off. It's no big deal. It's nature's, you know. I wonder if rubber trees have nuts on them. Oh, yeah, that'd be you get two leg things, two nice things. A rubber nut?

I'd like to find a rubber tree right on the edge of the lagoon with a knot hole. Oh, that would be a night out. That's a night out there, fella. It's a weekend. Speaking of trees, bro, talk to me about, you know who, the big hairy one. a big foot yeah let's go oh my god fuck off fuck your baseball yeah f you with your drinking f you with your news stories yeah big foot with everything else we've talked about we want to talk about Sasquatch let's go yetie the mountain ghost yeah yeah the old uh giganapithicus i haven't heard

mountain ghost the old uh yarren is yarren yeah you know that one wasn't he the guy to play the flute Oh, that's Yonnie. He's a hairy fool, though. Yeah, he's probably part Sasquatch. Yeah. Yonnie. Or Yowie. That's another one.

Wow. There's a lot of different. I heard that one when I stepped on a nail once. Yowie. Yeah. Wait, what? I love Bigfoot. Why?

I think it's because I grew up in Washington. I've never been able to find the root of my interest in Bigfoot. But I grew up in Seattle, so everybody's always telling Bigfoot stories, which is pretty cool. Yeah. And then two, it's like, Isn't it better to live in a world where we haven't discovered everything? Isn't that more interesting? It is.

I agree, 100%. To go, yeah, there's something out there that we don't know. Yeah, that's why I love the ocean, too, because I feel like there's so many undiscovered species in there. But Bigfoot in particular is a toughie. And I think what's getting to me lately, it's sort of Bigfoot and the UFO world. Suddenly it went from, oh, yeah, they sort of exist to,

now it's almost like every day there's some guy with a camera there's someone caught a UFO so the tech so better we've now everybody has cameras but here's the thing the tech so much better but i have yet to see one big foot footage that isn't out of focus oh gosh can we timestamp this harland williams is going to regret giving me his cell phone number and saying that i don't have any good footage because you're just going to get so many big foot videos from you i want them i've got a ton And also it happens so often Here's what I will say too About the lack of digital evidence

So the people that are in the woods Yeah See Bigfoot These aren't me and you Yeah, who are they? It's not me, you and Adam Ray in the woods With a, oh, let's put everything on camera Listen, it is loggers

Right You know, ranch, you know People that are out there who live off the grid You know, the people who are in the woods all the time like woods woods woods men they're not real tech savvy as far as smartphones and all these kids they're that's why they're off the grid they're not big apple iPhone selfie people now second if you're seeing something as unusual as an undiscovered animal that's gigantic

your instinct isn't like let's film this your instinct is like what am i witnessing and then also am i in danger it'd be like if you're like i was out camping and a bear attacked us and i'd be like yeah right harland did you get any footage he'd be like I was too busy urinating myself and trying to figure out what to do. And, you know, you don't really think, let's get my phone out and film this. I want to say yes to that, but I got to tell you, every fourth or fifth TikTok is a guy with a mountain lion chasing him. And he's filming him. There's a guy with grizzly bears chasing him.

There's guys being charged by elephants and lions and rhinos. And so I'm going to call bullshit on that. Well, here's that. And I think the instinct now is to, holy shit, this is a universal, unsolved mystery. I have before me a chance to, we don't know anything about this species. We don't know that they're violent. In fact, what we do seem to know is that they're extremely elusive. And if I pull a nose hair and squeal, they're going to fuck off next week till Thursday.

Maybe. Could kill you. It could, but then you almost. you almost you almost people are daredevils people people's tendency is to film stuff especially nowadays when everyone wants likes right it's like let me get footage that no one else has yeah so i don't know how many mountain lines are there millions and and you know so like that's way more common and you still don't see a lot of those videos right right yeah bigfoot is happening very rarely But to my point, Bigfoot is the golden goose of all capture.

That's the money shot. That's like catching. That's like you see the Loch Ness monster rise up out of Lake Loch Ness in northern Scotland. And you go, oh, no, I'm out of here as opposed to going film it, back up, back up, back up. You know, like, or I got to be honest, if I saw Bigfoot, what I perceived to be a Bigfoot. I would love for you to see Bigfoot. I want to see one. If I saw a big foot and I was fairly certain it wasn't a bear, I would probably run at it.

Really? I would probably run at it and get definitive finalized proof and deal with, what's it going to do? We don't know if they're carnivores. We don't know if they're vegetarian. So if it's a vegetarian, what's it do? Pick me up and throw me into the lettuce? Yeah, you go.

You know, if it's a carnivore, I don't think we've ever heard. heard of a missing person that's been consumed by a big... We don't know. We don't know. We don't know. We're missing people. We don't know why they're missing. But you've got to figure if you're a giant ape-like creature with ambidextrous fingers and articulating hands,

why not just walk into someone's house and have a snack? They do that. They break in. Here's the thing. This is another thing that happens with skeptics, you know? Okay. I don't know if I'm a skeptic or I'm just to realize because I want them to exist. Yeah, well, so here's what people do.

They go, this footage is terrible. Yeah. This footage is a joke. Yeah. So then you give them good footage. Someone has good footage. And they go, this has to be fake. Too good.

This is, there's no way that's. So literally nobody. You can't win. Yeah, because there are really good ones. And people go, that can't be real. And you're like, why? What would it take for this to be proof? They'd be like, well, I don't know.

I guess it'd have to be on the news or something. But they're really good ones often at like a distance or they're really good ones. or the really good ones where it just sticks an eye out from behind a tree for a third of a second. Like, why isn't there a really good one of some guy just literally chasing like a police are like, and the things like looking back, holy fucking shit. I'm going to show you something like that. I got a lot like that. Really?

So you're convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt. Yeah, I would bet every penny on it. Okay. Well, also, I think they live in the caves. I also think they live in the woods. There's so much woods. If you see how much woods there are, you go, oh, something could be in there. Like, it's pretty crazy.

I know the woods. I used to work in the woods. So much territory. You know, like, it's just fly over the country. Yeah. And you go, that's a lot, especially in the Pacific Northwest or California. Yeah. And you just go, I could, I could see.

We have, we have humans we haven't discovered yet. Like, there's actual humanoids that they just found, like, in the last, like, decade. Where were they at Walmart? No, they were just in an area of the woods. in some foreign country that they flew over and they're like, are those red people down there? Oh, like in the Amazon.

Yeah, and now that airspace is blocked off. We can't fly up. We still know what has made contact with these people. And it's because they don't want to disrupt their ecosystem. They don't want to disrupt whatever they got going on. You know, I don't know how that becomes a law or whatever. I think I also read that they were cannibals too. I don't know if that's real or not,

but I would like to think it is. Yeah. Because nothing pains me more to see. proud indigenous tribes and seven of them are in like falcon feathers and Barry Warpaint and the fifth you know

the ninth one Ed's got an Adidas shirt on yeah you don't want that he crushes me who's this oh he loves America yeah he sneaks out at night you know he's got the crocs where'd you get that yeah yellow crocs hooter's shorts

and an Adidas shirt just means pray to the moon god And they're like, all right, I guess he's still in our religion, I guess, at least. Oh, dude. All right, but what if I broke it down and got a little more technical? Would that irritate you? Not at all. Okay, let's talk about thermal imaging.

Okay, we have it. Heat cameras. Yep. So how is it if they kind of have an idea of where these critters roam? Yeah. If they can follow people running through a field coming over the border at night with thermal cameras off a helicopter. why can't they detect a oversized primate?

We have them. You do? There's thermal imaging recordings of Bigfoot's all over the Pacific Northwest. And why don't they trail them to their dwelling? That's a good question. Like they can't just run into invisible land. I think that the people that are doing aren't like Marine Corps guys, you know, they're just kind of like, you know, more or less crazy people like me and my dad.

With a helicopter? No, they don't have that. They don't have all these things. In fact, they're all stupid too. they're like, we don't want to shoot one. It's like, why not? Kill one. Just kill one to show.

This is America. Of course they want to shoot one. I want to shoot one. But these, all these big foot areas are all, all these groups are going, no, we, it's a part of the thing. You're like, no, just kill one so that people will believe us. But like, there is like a ton of footage of them. And then people go, that's probably just people. You're like, yeah, there's eight foot people that are just hiding in the woods.

You know, like it's, they have the thermimimaging. Also, you know that with science, a giganticopithecus is what. a bipedal hominid that science fully recognizes was an upright ape that walked around in a... Neanderthal? Yeah, no, not Neanderthal, but it was after, and it was in Asia. And they have bones of it, right? Huh.

And anybody in natural science museum will go, yeah, the giganipithecus. Yeah, that's actually, it was called giganipithecus Blackie. It was what it was called, a little insensitive nowadays, you know. Can't be saying, giganticis blackie. There's a big joke there, but we're going to leave it. We're going to leave it alone. So anyways, we know that that was real. And when those were roaming around, the Asian bridge was connected to America.

Right, right. My best guess, and it's not mine, really, it's just something I read, is that they probably migrated over here in the Pacific Northwest in these areas. And anything that we're seeing, any reminiscent of a gigantic Pythicus is some sort of weird kind of evolution of this from California, Oregon, Washington in the Americas, from that. That's my best guess. But we have to conclude if there's a big foot, plural big foot, that there's mating going on. There's reproducing going on.

And when you create creatures, well, the old ones die on the end. nobody's ever found a corpse. Right. Well, no hunter, no lumberjack, no hiker, no, you'd think there'd be one that collapsed somewhere, one that died, like in all these years. And let's be us, there's a lot of woods, but a lot of these woods have been scoured quite intensively. Right.

There's no hair that's ever produced DNA. There's tons of hair that have produced DNA. Of a big foot. Yep. But the problem is you have to go to the library of DNA, which is things that are categorically in the... library of DNA. So they have tons of hair

that they've found after sightings and stuff and then they go, this is some sort of ape. We don't know what it is. I'll show. Conclusively defined as ape hair? A pair of an unknown, they don't have a code to match it to

because Bigfoot isn't a recognized species. But they have the hair. What about the call? Like everything has to poo. They have dermal ridges. Like they have actual casting footprints that have fingerprints in the thing. So what I'll say is the,

I think the bone question is a good question. But like, ask any hunter how many times they've stumbled upon a dead bear or dead bear bones or anything. What happens is everything gets kind of eaten up and it kind of all like nature does that. Yeah, yeah. And so out of the millions of animals that die every year, you don't, you're not just walking around bones in the woods. No. It kind of is all kind of turned up. And so if we're talking about a creature that's as rare as these apes.

But has a tibia this high. I don't think a chipmunks running off with that one. By the way, a lot of these bones get consumed by the rodents, the porcupines and the rabbits because they're filled with calcium. Yeah. That's why you don't find deer antlers and moose antlers all over the place because they actually get eaten by all these large rodents. And I also think that like, I'm not a big outdoorsman.

I love the outdoors, but I wouldn't say I'm like very educated about it. So I would say, like, if I was to be camping or hiking or whatever going through the woods and I saw, like, some bones, I probably wouldn't think much about it, would you? Right. Would you think to, like, inspect the bones and see what the bones are? If the fibia was, you know, nine inches taller than me as a person, I'd be like, okay, either a Bronosaurus laid down here or we got us a Yeti or a Whoopie. A whoopi? What did you say? A Yahoo?

A urine? No, you said... A Yowie is in Australia. Yeah, the Yalis. There's one in Australia, too. Well, that's the problem with this thing, too. It's like, it might be some sort of paranormal thing, too, because, I mean, I don't believe that.

I like to think it's, you know, blood and bones is what I like to think. I do, too. By the way, I'm not... I want it to be real. Yeah. I'm with you, bro. Yeah. I'm a big foot bro.

There's some real weird stuff in every culture. I want it to be real. But the logic in me goes, hmm. You know, and I fight it because, you know, I did used to work in the bush. I was, I was a forest ranger, a lumberjack. I've been in very remote places. Nothing weird when you're out there. Never saw anything like that.

Now, again, didn't hear stuff? No, I never heard anything crazy like that. But that, again, I doesn't say it, I don't believe it. I came across moose, bear, everything, you know. Okay, here's the next question. Yeah. When you were out in the woods, working and stuff, how much of your time were you in the woods when it was dark?

Like when the sun went down? Quite a bit. It sounds bizarre, but I sort of became obsessed, and I'm surprised I'm still alive. Yeah. But I became obsessed with being fearless, and I would go and walk into the forest, not only in the forest,

but then I lived in the Rocky Mountains for a spell. Yeah. And I would go out at night, without a flashlight, challenging myself, and sort of, you know how in Africa young men are, you know, their passage to manhood is to go out and slay a lion or something? Yeah. So I sort of put upon myself this sort of ritualistic thing to prove my manliness as I was kind of going through, you know, my early 20s and stuff. And I would press myself and I would literally go on these long, long, long hikes at night.

the dark in grizzly bear country mountain lion. Yeah, it's super dangerous what you're talking about. And this was in Banff, Canada, where it's just wild. It's a national park. So I still, it's only looking back where I go, what an idiot. When I was doing it, it was exhilarating. It worked out, though. It worked out.

But here's what I still think about it this day. And I go to myself, how many pairs of eyes were watching me? Oh, yeah. That I didn't even know about. How many, snakes? How many mountain lions did I? I walk past, and I'm thinking I'm this, like, courageous night walker. There's food.

And seven feet away, because a lot of these predators, they can kill you, but they're frightened by humanoid shapes. Yeah. And they were, who knows if I, I walked right by. So, but. Well, that defeats my argument. Most people, when they're in the woods, the sun goes down, you go to sleep. I mean, you might, you know, make a fire.

You might be up for a little while. But for the most part, when the sun's down, you don't dink around for the reasons that there's a lot of nocturnal creatures. Yeah. They do their little prowling at night. The reason bears come up to people's tents at night is because that's when bears wake up. They go out at night. So most people I use the argument, I say, well, you weren't out and about it.

Right. You were. Well, you know, another reason for it, too, is if you look it up, you know, you think about an owl and the intensity of their night vision. Oh, yeah. Well, I looked it up because it was of interest to me. and when humans, and you should try this as an experiment, when you get out into the darkness where there's no ambient light,

humans, night vision, it's marginally lower than an owl's, but it's not as much as research says. And that's what I did. I loved it. You give your eyes about 25, 30 minutes, and yes, everything's black, but your vision becomes like kind of cool, especially if there's a moon out obviously. And if it's a full moon, you'd be amazed how much you can see.

It's a cool little test you put your eyes through. It really was. I was really into it and only looking back, like sometimes I think about it because it was very extreme and I was way off the good. I didn't tell anyone I was doing it. I'd hike around a mountain. I'd go down by the river where wildlife will always congregate where there's water because they need it and then I'd go all I'd walk around the whole outside of this town

and it was I look back now and one night I'll also running into people yeah that's one thing nobody thinks about too or if they do not many people talk about it like you know people that are out in the woods yeah there's a reason they're out there that's true people are probably the most scary thing you go what is this guy out here for you know like like you're thinking what is he running from this guy's just up in the woods by you know off the grid you Yeah, it's scary. It's weird. Have you ever had that where you've been somewhere really isolated?

Yeah. All of a sudden there was a guy with a knife and he's just like, I was going. You're like, yeah, it was in Denver somewhere. Or like, it was in Colorado, sorry, not Denver. And there's a comic that's like, dude, we'll take you out. Like, I got some buddies who really like to go off the grid. All these people always reach out to me because I'm such a big foot guy.

And they're like, we'll take you to some areas, man. We've never seen anything. But if you want to be out in the, and there's just a guy with a knife. And he looked insane. And we were just kind of like, hey, and then he's like, you know, and then walked by us. And then my buddy turns to me, goes, that's, that's the stuff you, you want to watch out for. Luckily, it was like six of us. So we were, this was just out in the forest or at the edge of a trail?

In the forest. We were proud 40 minutes in. But, like, we, we were dressed. You know, you can look at me and know, this guy doesn't go to the woods. He doesn't live in the woods. Yeah. Whereas this guy, long beard, dirty, you know, his boots got mud all in. And this guy's out there.

This guy's, you know, he's... Almost like a troll. Yeah, R-40 when it's in, is like the closest he came to the edge. You know, that guy's just living out there. He was just protecting his perimeter. Here comes a guy in a Louis Vuitton Jack, and he's like, I'm going to skin you up good. Or he looked at us, the opposite goes, these guys are pussies. I'm not going to mess up.

They're harmless to me. Like, I'm not even bothered by them. We're like a little sparrow. And did you feel threatened by the fact that he had a weapon? No, I think that the knife out there is probably just an everyday... right for him was he wielding the knife or was it in a sheath or he had it out he had it out yeah that's suspect yeah but i don't know it's just going maybe he needed the knife or yeah like i could see it if he was like skinning like a kill or something but he just was

standing by a cedar tree with his knife felt like howdy boys yeah he was just kind of like an old cop yeah yeah kind of twirling how you know there peanut come on over here let me scalp you there Funny seeing you, boys. Yeah. Weird. Curly mustache. Welcome to Denver, boys. No, I don't know.

And my memories, I can't remember, like, how he was holding it even, but he was just walking along the thing. And we were like, that's scary. Luckily, we outnumbered him, which is a predator thing, by the way. Yeah. That, like, you know, like, if a bear sees, like, four people, the bear will fit. This is just something I've read again, so it could be wrong. But, like, it was like a bear will see it numbers. The bear will go, oh, four, it's just me, one bear.

So it won't necessarily try to have a conflict, which is crazy, because a bear could kill four people super easy. But in its brain, he goes, I'm outnumbered, which is a weird thing. So maybe that's what this guy with a knife thought. Yeah, there was a scenario, one of the places I worked, sadly, where a group of boys, three boys went fishing in the spring. Yeah, a legume. and on Lagoon Bay

and they were dumb enough to put their fish. I think they're catching like small brook trout, put them in their pockets of their vest. It was spring, so it was still a little nippy in the air. A black bear, which isn't commonly known to attack humans. But it's a plate.

The kid's basically a plate for them at this point. Killed all three of them. Oh, yeah, that's tough. So the numbers thing I don't know, but I think it's all about timing. I think it's about. of where you are, what's in the bear's stomach.

You know, there's that idiot that, that documentary grizzly man. And he acted like this big, like, bear. And what he didn't realize, or maybe he probably did, is these bears were feeding during the salmon run where they had so much food, a guy standing 20 feet away was of no interest. Because it, and, but then one day, just that one day where a bear went,

you know what, I've had enough salmon, but that looks good. I'm also tired of this guy running around, making videos with us. He's showing us off. He's showing us off to his girlfriend, like we're his buddy. Like, you know, like... You're done. It's really stupid. That movie pissed me off, actually.

Yeah. There was one good part. They had a song that was like, hootip, who, do you know that song? It sounds like the guy in the woods with the knife. Was he on it? There's like a song where the helicopter, like, lands. And then they's like, you got old Geronimo. You got old talking.

fucking bull. I just remember being like, what is this song? Wow. Like that song. I like it. Yeah. But that guy was annoying. Well, you know what?

This is going to sound really morbid. But in that documentary, they had footage apparently because he filled everything of the malling. Yeah, I don't know why they didn't keep that in. Well, what they did is the director said it was so sort of graphic and terrifying. so the most he would do is play the audio. I heard the audio. But I got to say, if you're going to make a documentary, if we can watch JFK get a bullet,

a couple of bullets through the head, if we can watch, you know, people getting nuked and people, you know, old documentaries of the Holocaust where they're, you know, bulldozing bodies into a pet. You know what? I feel like he sort of. Hitchcock footage. Yeah, right?

I feel like he sort of cheated us out. Not that I want to see a human being getting marked. But don't take us on this journey all the way. And at the last minute, go, hey, what, yeah, we can't show you. It's like, you know what? Also, I want to see that guy get mauled. He annoyed me the whole movie. I think what annoys me is, it's at the end, their ability to feel like they blend in to nature with these giant creatures, to me is disrespectful to nature.

I agree. And when you kind of placate a wild. grizzly bear, one of the top, you know, carnivore predators on the planet. Yeah. I think the polar bear is the biggest one. And then you got the Kodiak bear, you got the grizzly bear, you got the black bear. And when you're treating them like, like, you know. Disney ride.

Yeah, like Disneyland or like daycare center like toys. You know, he was giving them names and talking them, you know, and, you know, doing that puppy talk. Oh, how's my little bumblebee today? And it's like, dude. I'll kill you. Wait one week. Yeah. Yeah. Bring your girlfriend out here, too.

I'm going to eat both of you. The salmon run ends on Wednesday. Just keep talking there. Keep being cute. Yeah. You're going to keep taunting. Yeah. Well, that's the thing.

Like the natives in the documentary were like so great because even they hated that guy. Yeah. These nice, like this nice, you know, indigenous people who were like, he's not doing them a service. No. If anything, let's say the bears do like him, which is quite a reach. But let's just pretend the bears like him. like this guy. Yeah. Now you're teaching the bears, oh, people are friendly.

Yeah. You can go walk up to people. Yeah. And then they'll get shut. Like, you're not helping the bears and you're not respecting nature. Well, you're invading their territory as well. They have rituals. They have things that they do all that.

And now suddenly here's this guy. Yeah. People can learn a lot from that too because, you know, like, it's a human kind of thing to want to be like, oh, I'm special. Yeah. I can talk. I can hang out with bears. I have this connection with nature.

that you don't. People do it all the time. They'll bring a lion into their house. Yeah. They'll raise a lion cub in their, you know, in their, in their kitchen and in the living room. And like, it's, it's very foolish to be that reckless with, with wildlife and nature and think that that's not going to have a, it's like, it's like, I call it the Zig Fried and Roy syndrome, because look what happened to Roy or Zygman or whatever. Eventually, we love our lions, our and then one day one, bit them through the neck, gone. Reminds everyone he's a lion. Reminds everyone. He's a lion. That's right. And there was that famous documentary from the early 70s or late 60s called Born Free with Elsa the Lion.

It was very famous at the time about a white couple who lived in Africa and they adopted Elsa the Lion because she was abandoned or something happened. And so they raised her and they tried to reintroduce her into the wild. And I think they successfully did. And then cut to, you know, I think about 12 years or 10 years after. the movie had kind of faded away, the woman was mailed the death by lions. You know, so it's like you can't, you can't mess with that, that predatory code that's embedded in them, you know. Yeah, and also people like that.

People love that, um, natural karma. Or not, I don't even know what to be called natural karma. Yeah. Like, when we hear that that guy got ate by a bear at the end, we go, yeah. Yeah. I like that because that makes total sense. This guy's a fruit loop. Well, it sort of reminds you of the natural order.

Yeah. That's something in us goes. Yep. Yeah. And I'll say this. I feel bad that a human died. I think he was reckless. I think he was naive thinking he somehow had this special connection with these giant carnivorous, like flesh eating animals. But you don't want to see someone die, but it's like, you're right. It's sort of like it was just a ticking clock. Right. It makes total sense. But it's interesting that that footage exists somewhere. Yeah, you know, I was a bit suspicious of whether it did or not.

And I wondered if the filmmaker was being dramatic and going, oh, I've got the footage, but I'm not going to show it just to like kind of amp it up. But I don't know. And again, you don't want to see someone eaten or mauled by a bear, but you even could have showed part of it. And, you know, if he's literally ripping his eyes out, it's okay, maybe stop it there. but don't take me on a two-hour documentary and then at the climax,

it's like doing a two-hour documentary on the JFK assassination and just as the cars, just as he's about to be hit, you go, well, we're not going to show you. Also, who's to decide what I can see? Exactly. Well, let me handle what, not put a little warning. Hey, this is some graphic part here.

But like, we're grown-ups, you know, they put terrible stuff. I watched all the footage on the, basically on the dark web, all the footage I could find from being uploaded of the conflict in Palestine and like all the... There's crazy stuff on there.

You saw some of those murders? Oh, yeah, there's tons of stuff at bombings and just them like taking babies. And I mean, because, you know, I have... I don't know what it's... I don't know if there's like a term for it or not, but like I need to see that for me to get riled up. I can't just read words, you know,

300 men were bombed. I just read it and I go, 300 men were bombed. I've read so much stuff about war and stuff But when I see it, then it makes me feel like, oh, yeah, like this is happening. It's real. Yeah, it's terrible. It's like when you hear that an athlete hits his spouse or something, and you go, oh, he's going to miss the season because he got suspended for hitting his spouse.

Right. But when you see footage from TMZ of the football player on an elevator, you go, get him out. Something should be done. Like, he should never play against. So for me, I need that extra. about that type of extreme imagery, though, like getting implanted in your psyche and it... Because I remember I started to watch back years ago

when they posted the beheadings, the ISIS beheadings. Oh, yeah. And there were some up on the internet. I started to watch one and I went, no way. You know, have you ever heard that term you can't unsee something? Yes. Does that ever get into... I think it's a problem.

Yeah, I mean, I have terrifying dreams. in, but I think it's worth it. I don't even know if this is along the same lines, but like, you know, when they talk about, like, Jesus being crucified. Right. Like, it's like, we just say it like it's nothing.

Like, it's a pretty big deal. Mm-hmm. Like, like, nails through your hands and you're hung up so, like, you have to pull your body up so you can breathe just to collapse, like, and the fatigue of that and being, so I think like...

But here's the real quick. Did they, even have nails back down? Oh, yeah. They definitely had nails, big ones. They did? Oh, for sure. Tools predate that by thousands of years. Okay.

But what I was going to say is like, like your breakfast, right? You might see eggs and you might see like a cute little slice of ham that you put something on. But like a pig died for that. You know, like, uh, violently. Yeah. And so like it's, it's just kind of good to know of the sacrifice that was made for your breakfast or the sacrifice that was made for, you know, your life or whatever. Does it wear on you, though?

Does it diminish your faith? Does it diminish your belief in civility and mankind? When you, let's say you watch a series of, let's just say the Israeli thing that happened. If you watch 10, 20, 30 videos, does at some point knock down your belief in the goodness of mankind? Does it hurt you psychologically? I think that there's a lot of that.

I will admit that it does do that. However, it reminds me what I'm, capable of and that's that i could that we could be like that the animalistic side we could be like that you're right dude that like if it came down to it survival like history you know like and so i like to remind myself like oh man like let's not let let let's love each other let's not get to this point okay let's talk about some things instead of just slaughtering or sending you know like so i think with all those negatives that yes 100 because it does it makes you go who would do this But, like, I'm not having those thoughts if I don't see it.

Yeah, yeah. So, like, I like to trigger those kind of thoughts so I can go, yeah, man, like, I don't, this is crazy. Also makes me feel very lucky, you know? Yeah. I don't ever wake up, you know, it's a norm joke, but I never wake up and go, ah, the Middle East. You know, like, we got a pretty cushy life, you know? And I like to remind myself that how blessed we are over here. I feel safe.

Well, interestingly enough, too, I think seeing that graphic stuff is, it's part of a reminder of who we are. You know, we're not just people that go to the cheesecake factory and have little families and put it like, you know, I remember I heard it put once, we're extremely violent and we contain it. It's amazing you don't see more violence, tribal violence. And, you know, someone said this once it's always stuck with me.

It's like, if we weren't as violent as we are, tigers and lions would be the dominant species. Yeah. Like, think of what a lion and a tiger does to whatever it wants. Yep. Because a lion and a tiger will take down a human. Yeah. The fact that we have them quelled, what's that say about us?

And so it's very interesting. Wow. And it's not even like intelligence. We love to pat ourselves on the back about intelligence, like as humans. Right. But it's not, it's survival. Yeah. Like look at roaches.

Roaches aren't smart, but they've been around forever because they can survive. And, like, we find a way. Like, you know, like, we didn't look at bears and just give up and go, there they win. Yeah. No, we built things and we trapped them. And then after trap them, we go, we make guns and shoot them. Like, like, we found a way to survive.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's interesting is we, we at least found that line where we go, oh, wait, if we keep going, we eradicate them. Yeah. We did that with a lot of species, but let's face it, if we wanted to by, you know, the end of this year, humans could easily take out every elephant that exists on the planet. Apex predators.

Yeah, but we don't, which is one saving grace. Yeah, well, because what would it do, you know? Well, there'd be a lot less fatty's wandering around. That is true. Always fucks up a joke when you stutter at eight times. No, it's still funny. It was really good, yeah. What was the joke used to have about, you know, the vegetarians?

It used to about how animals are eating each other. Oh, yeah. Such a good argument. Yeah, I used to say, my buddy was a vegetarian. He said, I should stop. I forget it. It's such a good joke. And also, I love that argument.

It's like, we shouldn't eat meat. It's like, animals are eating the meat. They're not all. Yeah, right. Yeah, they do what they want. Oh, yeah, what was the joke? My buddy Larry used to say, you should be a vegetarian like me. You'll live a lot longer and you'll forget it.

You start eating him. I can't remember it. Start eating him, I think, or something. After the food is going, we're coming for you, buddy. Yeah, damn. Larry, not a real guy. There's zero chance. There's zero chance.

There was a real Larry. Two last questions. One, if you did, if you ran into. to a big foot in the woods knowing you might have the chance to immortalize it with your kid. Would you run or would you pursue it? How would you treat a hands-on encounter with a big foot? So I, yeah, I know me real good. Yeah. I am freeze. You know, they say fight or flight and there's freeze. There's fight, flight, freeze. There's fight, flight, freeze. Right? There was a shooting at the comedy store. And everyone, it was just like a movie. Guys go, pop, pop, pop. And then all the

people, everyone in the comics and audience members are like on the patio. They go, ah, they all made the sound you would hear. It was perfectly like a movie. And you'd have thought I was cool as a cucumber. You'd be like, who's that guy? If there was a video of it, they'd be like, who's that guy that doesn't even care? I looked over with my cigar, like I was like, someone's shooting. But it wasn't that I was cool.

I was petrified and had no idea what to do. It looked like I was not bothered. So my guess is that if I saw a Bigfoot, which is like I've been, obsessing about every day in my whole life. I would be so scared that I don't know if I'd be able to film. I'm pretty sure I would, you know, they would poop myself, whatever naturally happens when you're that terrified. Can I plant a seed inside you in case this does happen?

Yeah. Because they're an anomaly, we don't know what they are. We don't know what their aptitude is. We don't know if they're violent, if they're carnivores, if they're vegetarians. cut to the Silverback Mountain Gorilla. Oh, yeah. An imposing force, to say the least,

500 pounds, they looked like they could smash down the Empire State Building. Yeah. I've... That happened once. I saw that movie. Oh, the Kong, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That really happened. Yeah, that really happened. But I did the trek. I went into Rwanda. I tracked up the hill and found the silverback gorillas and not just,

my journey, but you can see it. They're very docile, peaceful creatures. They don't, but they've got canine teeth that are this long. They've got fangs. They've got muscles bigger than the Incredible Hulk. And yet, they're so passive. Yeah. So what I would say to you, considering Bigfoot sounds like it's a large ape like creature, maybe you have assumed that it's violent and dangerous, whereas what about you adopting the perception that maybe this creature is gentle and the reason we haven't seen it because it's very reserved and trepidatious about humans. So what about taking the approach instead of freezing?

I have a chance to verify this strange creature. I don't, you've made this assumption that it's going to be a violent outcome. I made the assumption that it can defend itself. But if you're not attacking it. If it can presume me not as a threat, right? Like, what if I stumble? upon the female and its babies or something. Or maybe the female and its babies is like 20 feet away.

I can't even see them. But he's going, you know, this is near my pot of family here. Like, so, like, I guess it would need to see me not as a threat. But, yeah, me of the silverbacks, they'll bluff charge. You know, they do all these things because they don't want to have a conflict. I had one run at me. The biggest one on the mountain, they document all of them. It was almost 500 pounds charged at me this close.

and mocked, did a mock charge. My heart stopped. I bet. It was unreal. Wait, so I'm not one of these guys who films everything and thinks everything should be video blogged and all that. But like, is there any footage of you with these? Yeah. Out there?

I have the camera hanging down when it came at me. Because before it came at me, our guide, last thing I heard, he goes, he's charging. And he came right at me. And I have like a, somewhere I have footage of it. Yeah. How old were you? This was probably 12 years ago maybe. That's awesome.

What a cool experience. It was wild. But my point is that maybe there's a bigger picture here where you have to start to look at yourself as a legacy guy who's solving a lifelong mystery that goes down in the history books. I'm trying to make a show called Killing Sasquatch. I'm not kidding So you would You would rather kill it I want to kill one

Yeah I want it dead Just so people won't think I'm crazy Right If we can get just one Just one has to make a sacrifice So we can go

Look everyone called us stupid You know the so I'm gonna guess the number I know I'm somewhere in the wheelhouse That like The guerrillas Weren't even discovered Until like the

1890s or something Everyone thought it was a myth Till then Right the panda bears I think was like 1930 or 1940 or something people like people in China

were going I see these bears you know they're white and black people go there's no white and black bears so like I imagine 100 years from now people might listen to this and go can you believe these two

they're talking about Bigfoot like it's crazy I really think that's going to be the future is that not only just Bigfoot is a lot of things are going to come to fruition where we're going to be like oh there's tiny people

Or there's like, you know, there's going to be, I think Bigfoot will just be one of those things. We'll look back and go, of course Bigfoot's real. They haven't met the zoo or they have, you know. But you want the legacy of the guy, like Sir Edmund Hillary, who will forever be known as the guy who crested Everest, the first, supposedly the first guy. I probably think some of the Sherpas did it ahead of him. And they're going, what's the big? He got credited with it, right? Do you want to be remembered as the guy that killed the elusive Bigfoot?

Or do you want to be the guy that you got to? definitive proof, you chase it, you find it, it was there, you've got this really credible footage, there's hair there, there's footprint, you're unseen, versus you go down in the history books as the guy, because look at the, I think I'd have to kill it. You'd have to just get that proof. Because we got the big foot, we got the hair, we have the footage, we have all that stuff, and nobody cares. In fact, most people don't even know of its evidence. So I think you got to kill one, sadly. I think it's not your gut.

I think someone really wants to shoot one. I'm killing one. Where would you shoot it? Got to shoot it. I don't want to shoot in the head, though. You don't want to mess up that skull? Yeah, and also people are going to say, what did it look like? I go, I don't know.

I blasted its face off. The JFK of the North. I'm like, oh, that's just some mutant bear. You didn't really kill it. You know, the, you know, the mess. So I got to shoot in the chest, which is tough. Something that big. What about, what about shoot it in the foot?

It's big foot. You can't get away. You can't get away. It's fucking feet are so big. That seems. obvious to me. He's dragging himself like a mermaid. He can't go anywhere once you shoot them big old feet out from under a bull.

That is the most humane. You'd make a good police officer, Harlan. That way you get to shoot them and we get to keep them. We need more officers like you. Change them to shot foot. That's not a big foot. Look, he's got no feet. This guy just shot a weird bear.

Everything's going to come back to bear. That's all they do. All right, buddy. Our final segment, this has been a great. conversation. Thank you. I love having that. I love talking to you. That's great. Speaking of feet, I'd like to see a big foot in these Dutch clogs. Oh, man. You'd have to get a lot bigger than that for a big. Is there a Dutch big foot? You said they're all over the world. Is there a telafoot anywhere? Oh, that'd be great. A big foot, a Deutschland big foot.

Deutsche. A German big foot. Are he wearing clongs? Yeah. I mean, when in. Here he comes. When in Deutschland. Yeah, you just hear him. He's a noisy hominid. Big foot hominid. That could be the new one. A, G, LGBQ hominid plus. Yeah. We found it.

He's part of the community. Don't make jokes. Dude, we found it, right? It was like at the beginning we were trying to fit. We just added because hominids. They're living things. They're sweethearts. So words from a wooden shoe, buddy.

You reach in here. A word. Pick one out. See if it elicits a memory, a story from your life from someone you knew, somewhere on your journey. Just whatever first comes to my head. Yep, whatever, based on the word you pull and see if it triggers anything. The sexiest thing to me.

Oh. Sexiest thing to you is what you says. I think we know it's shooting a Yeti, but keep going. No, no. The sexiest thing's tits. Bigfoot tits or regular tits? Oh, yeah, you know, the famous big foot. Yeah, big tits.

Yeah. Patty, because they named it after Patterson Gimlin footage, which was the most famous video. Right, but didn't he admit on his deathbed that he faked it? No. I think there's actual footage of him on his deathbed admitting it was a fraud. No, there's tons of people that have tried to say it's fake. They make tons of money off just suing people that have tried to claim those kind of things.

But it had boobs. Did it, man? Yeah, they're like, why would they make, no, it was a woman. They made it like a female Bigfoot. Oh, really? And they were like, why would they add breasts to that costume that would have cost tons of money back then? But anyways, sexiest thing to me, that's tough. This is going to sound, it's not funny at all.

It's just, I think the sexiest thing to me is kindness. Like, yeah, just like a nice lady. Wow. Yes, I agree. That is sexy. That's way better. Because there's a lot of new kind of, the new modern woman is like giving you shit or nagging you or being like, what's with your shirt. Like, that's kind of a cool, funny way that women like to behave.

So I'm not knocking that. But I am saying, like, I don't want to be with a woman like that. I like when a woman is just kind. She says nice things and is pleasant to be around. I like a nice woman. Yeah, yeah, that is sexy. Yeah, it's better for me. And I also think in a world, just going to the physicalness of today,

where it seems that women put their assets on display a lot more. easily and put it on social media and only fans and everything to take the physicality off the table and just say kindness is really is sexy there's a woman uh she's amazing i really really like spending time with her and she's whenever i'm his name his name's bridget uh no no whenever i go to san diego i hang out with this girl and then there'll be like you know models or girls that come to the shows and like every time you're down here you just hang out with that girl I'm like, she's so nice to me. Wow.

She's just the nicest person. She never has anything ill to say. Like, she's just, like, pleasant. And I just, I think that that, I think that's what I thought at first one. I was trying to search my brain. It's just be nice. Kindness is good. Is there a reason why this girl that you speak so highly of isn't, like, a permanent

fixture in your life, a girlfriend or a steady? Well, one, she lives far away. Sandy was too far for me to be in a relationship with someone. Yeah, I got like a five-mile room. It's like, as you get older, you're like, if I can't drive to your house in 15 minutes. You're like, are you going to leave in my house? Because that would be a lot easier if you could just live in my. But then the other part is I'm already working.

I'm working on too much of my stuff right now. Like your own personal stuff. I'm only 93 days sober. Good for you. Yeah, I'm working really hard on all that stuff. I'm doing a lot of treatment on other things in my life. So that's probably what. Good.

I think that's. And you know what? I'll say this to have a kind person in your life that while you're going to, going through that part of your journey, that is very valuable. Oh, for sure. Because when someone's kind of like that, they're not judgmental. They're not kind of like playing mind games with you. All that positive energy is just what you need.

In the 12 steps, one of the things is like you, you know, you apologize to people you've wronged or whatever. Okay. And so this speaks to the kindness thing. I was like texting a girl the other day, like, I just want to let you know. Like, I'm working on myself. And like, you know, if there's any weirdness, you know, I'm sorry. Most people are very receptive to that. Her response was like, yeah, you have a problem.

I was like, yeah, yeah, I need to work on that. She's like, you should get help. I was like, yeah, I'm getting, like, I was like, that's what this is. I didn't expect it to be that aggressive. I thought the accepting apology would be a lot different. But, yeah, just having some kind people in your life is huge for that. That was a surprising but beautiful answer.

Thanks. I love that. Yeah. Well, buddy, let's get you. plugged up here. Let's tell the world where they can find you, where they can see, do your stand-up? Sure. Are you promoting a book or a podcast or anything like that? I'm recording my first one-hour special, 18 years of comedy, my first one-hour special in Nashville on the 9th and the 10th. Okay. So you can go to jeffdye.com to check that out. I'm also on tour every single

weekend. I work every weekend. Where can they see your schedule online? Jeffdi.com also. And And then I have a podcast, which is on my YouTube channel, and it's called, you wouldn't be good for this podcast because it's called Everybody's Got a Price. And you want someone that's got no money, you know, these guys who are like, oh, I'd do that for a hundred bucks. You'll come in there, you're going to go, I don't know, a billion? I'll do that for a billion dollars. A couple of bill.

Couple of B. But the podcast is very fun. It's me and Josh Nelson, it's called Everybody's Got a Price. Maybe we'll have you on. and then you can say, I'd pay this much to see someone do that, yeah. Okay. It'd be fun. Or I could kind of work on becoming homeless and then come on.

Yeah, yeah. If you ever have a fall from Grace, you can come on the podcast and earn some money. But it's very, very good. Come check, or go check that out, Jeff Die. JeffDy.com, and then my YouTube channel, just YouTube backslash Jeff Dye. Great, buddy. Well, thanks for being here. Thanks for having.

And I hope you find your big foot. Yeah, we're going to... Folks, what a treat. Jeff Die, and if you don't get to see him live in this life, go to the graveyard, just look for Jeff Died. He'll be there. And that's it for today on the Ha-la-Hawai podcast. Until next time, chicken chow-me, baby.