The Harland Highway - JEFF DYE conspiracies, Lady Di, JFK, 9/11, Bigfoot, and the Black Delilah. Everything uncovered!!!

Episode Date: August 18, 2026

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We should have a Dorf president. A what? Just for safety. A dwarf? A dwarf, who's president? Yeah. How big, I totally think JFK was. With his head or without it?

Oh, wow. We'll take a little detour. Confusing. I made like a ton of money off Apple stock. You did? Yeah, and I was like, oh, cash out or like, because it split or something. There was some sort of thing. And then I had to pay taxes on my earnings.

and then my finance guys got a little cut. I was just like, oh, God damn it. So you did buy stock? I had stocks. That's how I learned I didn't like it. You bought Apple stock. It was too out of my hands. But that's like the stock to get.

Well, that's how I learned that the stocks aren't for me, even though I did well. Yeah, well, if you did well, why isn't it for you? Because all the other stocks I didn't know about to, like, put it in this and put it in this. And you know what a Black Hawk ETF is? And then we're going to put it in it. I just think, like, all that stuff, if I don't understand it, like, it's probably not smart. to put money into it. I should only do what I understand.

Yeah. I damn sure understand Apple. I'm like, that's a good company. So when did you put money in Apple? This was like 15 years ago. Okay. And then now I've slowly got all my money out and I have no stocks anymore. Zero.

Yeah. But that's why I have this opinion about it because I tried the stock work. I tried it. I did it and it was fine, but it just too confusing. I bought Apple right before the, they released the smartphone, the first. smart. Yeah. That was a big move on you.

You made some money then. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because now everyone has one. At least where we live. Yeah. I don't know anybody with a Samsung or like, if anybody's text shows up green, I'm like, Oh yeah, I don't talk to them.

If anyone with a Samsung, I won't, they've been cut out of my social circle. Yeah. What are you doing? Lepper. Actually, what I'll do is I'll go one step further. I'll go to their house and paint a red X on their door with Lamb's blood. That's really nice. Yeah, yeah.

Well, so that others know. That's cool. Well, yeah, we don't need Samsungers around. Right, I agree. Samsonger. It sounds like an African bird that eats honeybees. Their Chinese slaves work at a different place than my Chinese slaves. Yeah.

I like Apple. Those are the ones I trust. What part of China are the Chinese apple slaves in? I don't know. Never thought about it. Huh. Well, I've never thought to look it up. I wonder if they're out there.

They're in there in the warehouse. They're working. They're in the fact. They're not out there. It's like 300 years ago. They're in there. They don't check ages. They don't check none of that.

I wonder if at one point in history, during the agricultural revolution, if there was actually apple slaves that harvested apples, like the fruit. Yeah. And if they got in early, they'd be rich, too. Like, dude, I worked back at this company when we were making apples, when we were harvesting apple apples. And now it's... Before you could text on an apple, I was working for...

Imagine trying to text on a real apple? Yeah. And we'd say, oh, they got that old apple money. Yeah. The old fruit apple money. I wonder if Adam and Eve. Oh, no. Can be accredited with having the first apple.

Yeah. I don't know. Well, of course they could. Wait, what do you mean? Of course they could. Yeah. They definitely had the first apple. Was that the first apple ever?

Yeah, they were the first people. No, I think it was the first apple that was enjoyed. Yeah. They were in the garden. Was it enjoyed? But wasn't that Apple would spawn evil, too? Yeah, that is true. Because you weren't supposed to bite it.

That's why it has a bite taken out of it. Right. Yeah, yeah. Does that make Apple evil? I think so. I think I'm switching to Samsung. I think it's cryptic. Yeah, yeah.

Someone's going to be out in front of their own house, putting a red Lamb's Blood X on their home tonight. Yeah, maybe we were wrong about this. We were wrong. Dude, we were. It took us like four minutes to figure out how wrong we are. Every Samsung person always goes, Oh, the camera's,

much better. I'm like, how... Yeah. How much better could it be? How much better could it be? What are we doing? Like, how many pixels does the eye need to see? Hey, like, yours only has three? I'm like, I thought that was a lot. Yeah. And they got like seven down the side.

It looks like someone's abs. I know. There's so many, like, camera holes, it feels like you're looking through a scallop or something. You know, you ever look at a scallop and they get, like, 49 eyes? Yeah, I don't like it. Yeah. I don't trust it either. Good God. What are you drinking there?

Oh, this is one of a... your Izzy's. Would you mind grabbing me one? I won't mind. Just have the rest of mine.

Ew. There's another word that starts with A that I'm not going to say. I thought we were going to find. I don't need to.

You let one guy destroy your fucking office into a monkey's nest and then you won't even share an Izzy with your boy, Jeff. I don't want to slurp

your saliva. I mean, we're buddies, but I don't want your saliva. You called my bluff. I was just seeing if you take it. It's good stuff.

Oh, buddy. Never had an easy. Today's the first day. Is it a sponsor or something? No. No. I just like it because it's like bubbly and it's fruity. Yeah.

Kind of the way I used to be in college. Bubbly and fruity. Trying to make friends. That's the way to do it. All right. So you're the guy I wanted to ask about this. Yeah. Because you're kind of like a bit of a social warrior.

Like you're, of all the comedians that know, you kind of keep your pulse on. Yeah. Current events, things that are happening. I'm a social agitator comedically. Yeah.

Yeah. But you're also a great observer of all the social happenings. Like you're, I feel like you're in tune with it. I got this new bit where I'm talking about, you know, those Waymos? Yeah. You know that fucking thing that rotates on top?

Every time I see that, I want to put an orange on that thing. I want to make some orange. Brilliant. That is absolutely brilliant. I wish I had written that. I mean, just every time I see it, I go, you get a bag of orange.

or something. No, no, no, no. No, I do more annoying things about race and culture and society. Okay, so speaking of annoying, this could either be annoying or not. You're the guy I wanted to ask about the First Amendment. Yeah. Have you seen these guys on TikTok and Instagram who walk around in neighborhoods and towns and cities? They stand on public sidewalks and roads. Yes. And they get their phones or their cameras and they film people. And they go to the post office. Yeah. And all they're really doing is exercising their First Amendment rights, which is what America's built on. They have the right to be in a public space or a public

facility and film. And people who aren't aware of the First Amendment freak out that these guys are just simply filming them. I watch those videos all the time. Right. So my question to you is, is it invasive and annoying, or is it educational, or is it both? It's both. Because here's the thing. When I used to first see those videos, it's like, these guys are losers. What are they doing? Right.

But over time, I've been like, they're still annoying. Right. They're still being a nuisance. I agree with that. I think that they like that. I think they like that they're drumming up all these. Agitators, yeah. But they are correct.

Right. The other side of the coin is like, why are people reacting so strongly? Yeah. Like they'll come out of the thing. the business, like, you didn't get permission to it. He's like, I'm allowed. And then you got to go. They try to intimidate him. And they're like, that's a public sidewalk. I don't have to go. And then they're wasting the time calling the cops because the cops

come and go, dude, why do you care? There's a great moment on comedians and cars. Yeah. Where Jerry Seinfeld's having coffee with Zach Galefenakis. And people are walking by. They see a film crew, a small one. And then they see Jerry Seinfeld, one of the greatest comics of all time. With Zach Gaffanakis, who's one of the most modern greatest comics of the current time. And so they're the starsruck, and then they're also witnessing like a show, and so they start filming. And Zach's like, oh my God, don't you hate it when people do this?

And Jerry's like, no? Like, we're in public. Yeah. They're not in your living room filming you. Like, they're just, they're just. So I don't get the response everyone has to it. Well, I can also recognize that it is annoying. I think they're trying to be a little annoying.

I think they are, but I think they're also, even though they say they want to educate the public, I don't think that's the real M.O. But they are educating, because I don't think the average person, I'm not calling the average person stupid, but a lot of people don't really understand the Constitution and all that stuff. And so when somebody says I'm exercising my First Amendment right, that just doesn't register with people. Yeah, what does that even mean? Yeah, it sounds like some sort of mumbo-jumbo to them. No, it's a big deal.

We're always talking about our rights and privileges. Right. You should know this one. And what they're doing is they're demonstrating. that what I'm doing is something that you're allowed to do. I'm expressing the freedom that you're entitled to. But then you're right. Suddenly it turns into an aggressive,

almost like a grizzly bear attack. You'll see guys pull out pepper spray. You gotta go crazy. They get them. They get them. Yeah, it turns into like this aggressive. I'm almost like I'm watching a bear fight in BAMP for God's sake. And some guys trying to deliver a birthday card to his nephew.

It's crazy. I like bears spurt. also for, you know, that's what you should be giving your daughters and your girlfriends and your wives. Bear spray works way better than pepper spray. Yeah.

You can get a guy at like 100 feet. Yeah, bear sprays like bear, bare intensity. Yeah. You want, if that guy's bothering you're real far away, you can still get it. Yeah, yeah. Like that.

No, but what I was going to say about those First Amendment guys is sometimes you'll watch a video. Yeah. And you're like, oh, it's educational because you're like, if that ever happens to me, I don't want to react the way this person's reacting.

I don't want to be seen on camera losing my mind and going, fuck you, you're a loser, you're an idiot. And so, like, I think about that with prank videos. Yeah. These guys that go into grocery stores and they prank strangers or they, you know, mess with, like, from these two guys that are really funny. They claim they're from a company called Pactra,

and they pretend that they're, like, delivering a package, whatever. Okay. But I've watched people react so badly to pranks or so badly to those First Amendment guys that it makes. makes me now go, oh, if it ever happens to me, I'm just going to laugh or I'm going to chuckle. I've learned from their failures of being like, oh, I don't want to react like that. Do you want me to show you what I would do?

Let's act it out. I'm going to get my video camera going. You be the First Amendment guy filming me, and I'll be the guy that spots you. Here, we'll use my camera because I'm going to cut it into the show. I was going to pretend they usually have it like on a stick because they're out there for seven hours. I think it's already recording. Make sure it's recording. Got you.

Is it recording? I had pressed it already. Oh, no. Now it's recording. It's recording. Okay, so you be the guy just recording. I've seen enough of these that I know exactly how to play this guy too. Yeah, and I'm going to be the idiot person that doesn't know, but this is how I would play it if this was real life.

So I'm just walking around. Hey, what are you doing, guy? Don't worry about it, man. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do I mean? You have a permit to fill me? I don't need a permit. This is public property. This is a public sidewalk, pal.

Yeah, I know it's a public sidewalk. But you need a release form to fulfill me. No, that's not how it works. Sounds like you don't know the First Amendment. What are you talking to? You can't just fill me. All right. I'm done talking to me. If you don't want to be on camera, just keep walking by. Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me what to do the 3-2-3-579-0-4-67.

My phone number? Sir, you just offer that up. You know, that you can just keep walking if you don't want to be filmed. Okay, but you better not, like, put my Social Security number out there, 604, 297, 288. I don't, you better not. You just came up to me, man. You might want to back up, all right?

No, I'm not going to back up. I'll back up all the way to my address. 2462 Parrot Cove Court, Miami, Florida, zip code 57201. Sir. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Hey, that's good. Could I have some more? Yeah, absolutely. Ah! All right, I'll be at the mall later, and if you want my license number, it's right there. It is funny that they...

That is ridiculous. That's what they do. They say they don't want to be on camera filmed, and then that's all they do is keep... They're just becoming more known. But I figure if you just run up and give them all your information, but still pretend you're mad, it would like totally disorient them. I think they'd love it. Yeah. They'd be like, you're an idiot. I'm almost hoping that that happens to me.

So you can do it? So I can do it. I was like, hey, don't film me at 52-307 Melrose Boulevard. What if everyone knows my phone number, 818-586? Yeah, I'm just going to go for it. I love that. They'd love that. Yeah, I think it's interesting, though, because it's, it's.

It's, it's, I agree with you. It's annoying and it's intrusive. But I look at it and I go, you know what? They are sort of teaching people that this is what we're allowed to do. This is America. And, you know, just embrace it. Also, the government has cameras everywhere, right? Yeah, yeah.

The government records everything and you wouldn't be like, hey, that surveillance camera on the freeway. You go, yeah, that's just their. So why do you care if just a guy is doing it? Well, it's also interesting, too, that people get so defensive that their license plates are being filmed and their VIN numbers. Yeah. When that's why those are there. They're out there. They're on your car in big, giant letters so everyone can see them.

Yeah, they can know which car it is, and if it's registered and all those things. Yeah, that's the purpose of a license plate. I get being mad that the government would film you, but they don't seem to care. No one seems to care about that, but they do care when just a guy. Also, I'm watching so many of those videos, like I recognize. his voice now. Yeah, yeah. Like I feel like I could,

if I ever heard his voice, I'd be like, oh, I know that. Yeah, there's one guy that I always goes, sorry, sorry? Like they go, what are you doing here? Sorry? That's great. That's his catch.

And now they're getting to the point where it's almost like crowd work. Sure. Like I'm seeing some of them are now, like, they'll see what someone's wearing. Like there's one the other day where some guys coming into the post office in a purple jumper suit.

And he's like, hey, keep going, Barney. He's calling him Barney. He's got names. Yeah. And smurf and now they're actually like heckling people. Eaganizing them. Yeah. Now you're going to get in trouble when you start doing that.

But that's the other thing. That's the second part. It's freedom of speech. Yeah, he can. He's allowed. He's allowed. He's allowed. Yeah, yeah.

And what's interesting is these people approach and engage. Yeah. And so at that point, he's just filming real life. Well, I've noticed a lot of, and maybe this is just the ones that are the most salacious, so those are the ones that get shared the most. Yeah. But there's been a lot of women who will just snatch the thing. or try to break their camera

or rip that fuzzy part off of the microphone. And it's like, they get pepper sprayed every time. And those are the ones I see. And I'm like, you must know you can't touch other people's things, right? I don't think they do. I think you should know that now you're going to look like the bad guy.

Now if the cops come, you're going to get in trouble. And they will get charged. Yeah. Just don't give them anything. Do what Princess Diana did. Do what all these people who don't want to be, like, filmed or whatever, do it. Just Diana did.

Yeah, you just give them. nothing. You mean she got killed? No, not that part. When Princess Diana was like in the news, she knew the paparazzi would be out there. So she'd just wear the same outfit like every morning so that they didn't have any, don't give them anything is what I'm saying. I think when you You went right to the tragedy. Well, when you end with do what

Princess Diana did and that was her final act. In regard to being filmed. Yeah. Yeah, she was being filmed by paparazzi. When I quote Abraham Lincoln, you don't go, what, get shot in a movie theater? Yeah. I don't know what you did. Princess the lady died. Princess Diana had a whole legacy before she was tragically killed by the government.

You think so? Yeah, I think so. And then the same with the... You do? Yeah, I think there was some pretty hairy business on that. What do you think was the motivation for it? Well, the royal family has all their little qualms and all their little stuff. And people weren't getting along with each other.

And that's how those things kind of shake out. there was a part of the accusations centered around that she was dating outside of her race. She was dating like an Arab gentleman at the end, or a Muslim or a... And there was a... Well, then you gotta. Well, this wasn't me, but there was talk that it was disrupting the royal bloodline. And they were worried that she would take up with this person, maybe marry them and have kids. And so the powers, the royal powers of beer are like, uh-uh, we're not injecting that into our bloodline.

Well, I consider myself like a reasonable conspiracy theorist. Yeah. Do you know this kind? I'm trying to start this phrase. So here's the thing. Oh, here we go. I'll never tell you like what I think happened. So I'll never be like, here's what I think about 9-11.

Here's what I think they did. Because now it's just this silly Jeff Dye believes that, but I have no basis. I have no evidence. Because there's no data. Hey gang, today's episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Oh yeah, BetterHelp. You've heard me talk about BetterHelp for quite a long time now, but I don't know that we've ever actually talked about how much people love this service when they use it. So listen, here's what you do. You can check out for yourself at BetterHelp.com slash reviews to see amazing customer reviews in real time.

More than 6 million people have used BetterHelp globally. The consistent feedback from real users makes it easy to see why so many people continue to choose Better Help. Better Help therapists have at least three years and a thousand hours of hands-on experience. They also hold all required education, training, and certifications across a range of mental health, specialities. See the reviews, see what stands out, and see if BetterHelp is right for you. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Harland. That's BetterH-E-L-P dot com slash Harland. Don't just listen to me. Listen to everyone. Read the BetterHelp reviews and you choose. A reasonable person will go, hey, I don't know what happened, but here's the things I know that they told us that didn't, right?

So, like, there clearly was not a plane crash at the Pentagon. There was no engines on the wings. There was, there's no, like, things that you would see in a plane crash. So, like, I know buildings don't just fall on their own blocks away from a terrorist attack, Building 7, right? So I can tell you, I don't know why Building 7 fell. I don't know who did it. I don't know who's involved.

I don't know. I don't have any guesses on what happened but I'm a reasonable enough to go that's stupid and we should like that like what they're telling us happened did not. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah it does and are you signed off on said like ideas or is there

wiggle room for you? There's plenty of wiggle room because I don't know. So if new stuff comes out I'll go oh that makes sense but I think like that's how we should be approaching conspiracy theories. Yeah. It's going like this is just evidence and we can prove this didn't happen. I don't have any guesses. I mean, it'd be fun to guess. If you want to like hang out and we can talk about guessing,

and that's fine. Well, we're doing that right now. But I'm saying like when people try to go, here's what happened. You go, you don't know that. Yeah, they're telling you what happened. Here's what I might surmise. Right. As a amateur geologist who understands the strata layers of the earth, I think it's feasible that the enormity and the force

of two towering buildings, The two towers that came down were so big and so heavy that the force of them colliding with the ground could have caused a ripple effect or enough vibration and momentum and movement in the surrounding ground that it shook the very foundation of surrounding buildings, weakened them to the point where their infrastructure

caves, something snapped and down they went. I think that's feasible. I think that someone who would know more on this subject than me would disagree with you. I think, I don't know. I don't have to stay in the same position you are as far as like, well, why didn't like that 100, like that 500-year-old church fall collapse that was like pretty close to it? Right. Or why not an apartment building?

Why was it this conveniently, this building that had all these files that the FBI and the feds had? So it's like, I just think all those variables mixed with it. Sure, feasible. Maybe a ripple effect did affect it. and it just happen to be like coincidences are real. Well, if you go deeper into that, you go into the feasibility where every architectural structure has its own integrity structurally.

Right. And you ask yourself, well, does a 800-year-old church made out of giant stones? Sure. Does that survive the ground-shaking better than a modern building that was put up by a construction company trimming costs and using the cheaper product. But you don't know that that.

You don't know. You don't know. These are all what ifs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they are factors you have to factor into your conclusions. Correct. Well, like, let's go back to our favorite subject of like Bigfoot, right? Oh, yeah.

Here he is right here, by the way. Yeah, a little bit, little, that's a tiny one. A little tiny Bigfoot. So here's the thing I'll say about that is like, wow. I, like, if one of my friends came back from camp and it says they saw like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. I think he's just a silly drunk guy or whatever. But if a thousand people came back from camping and said they saw a Tyrannosaurus

Rex, I'm like, let's look into it. Right. Right. Like something, somebody's identifying something. There's got to be something going on. Yeah. And that's kind of how I think about Bigfoot. It's like, there's so many different things that like that makes me interested in

the subject. Right. So it's like that is what I like to deal in. Is the people giving their report. saying the thing. Not what I want to be real, not what I hope is real. Right. But like just looking in what people are saying, you know? Well, I think you've heard of the copycat effect. Yes. Wherein school shooters, snipers, drive-by serial killers, people receive information on extreme actions like that. Yeah. So when you have a group of people maybe saying they saw this,

this primate lurching through the forest of Oregon Right Does that in fact Is that an easy one to trigger The copycat effect Where well I saw one too And so did I

Because humans love to sort of Do that copycat thing It happens no, it's real I would say this For the first time ever like on cameras Like there's plenty of breaking Breaking news Wow

But just the idea like There's tons of misidentification and sightings. There's tons of hoaxes. There's tons of people trying to get footage. AI has ultimately ruined the entire Bigfoot community of videos. Because guys

like you go, oh, show me this video. Why is it in the woods? You can't see anything. It's so blurry. Nobody's holding the camera correctly. You're like, yeah, well, if you see something you can't understand and you're afraid, and you're a hunter who has like a Samsung flip phone, like you're probably not going to get the best footage, right?

Also, like, if you got attacked by a bear and I go, well, let me see the video. Why didn't you just film it? Like, well, it's pretty scary. Your instinct isn't just to record when you have, like, in your tree stand with, like, a gun. Yeah. Anyways, so there's all that. I'm trying to think why I went down that. Well, you're going to hate this if I can interject for a second.

I saw a video the other day of, what was it? You said, building number eight? Building seven. Building seven. There's now a video of a big foot pushing it over. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's got to be AI, dude. What's he doing in the city?

Is it? I don't know. I mean, hey, even a Bigfoot might want a night out at the movie or the theater. Oh, well, that's what I was going to say. It's just the AI and the misidentifications and the hoaxes. You don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just because those things are happening doesn't mean it's all that. Right?

Just because the copy of cat effect is real doesn't mean there's also not, you know, things happening. Can I say for the record? I would throw the baby out with the bathwater. For you. They're loud, they're annoying. They're always looking for a tit to suck. Oh my God. I don't need them in my house.

I'm tossing them out. More people love babies. I hope I throw a baby out with a bathwater. I hope a big foot picks it up and raises it in the woods and calls it small foot. You don't like babies? Well, I mean, not in the noisy ones. If it's a quiet one, I'll let it stay with the bathwater. But if it's a noisy nipple sucking free, you got to get it out of there.

I'm kicking the door. I'm not old. opening the door. I'm kicking it open, and I'm tossing that baby out with the bathwater, and I'm hoping I live on a hill, and the baby gets in the water, and the water carries him down the hill, like Moses floating down that dirty rivier in Egypt or wherever he was. That's where we differ, dude. I love babies. Hey, gang, you want to get your hands on some of my merchandise? Well, check out hardblane.com where I draw my own merchandise. That's right. I hand draw directly on the t-shirts with colored sharpies.

You can own one of my original pieces of art. I call it wearable art at harbling.com. And if the originals are sold out, you can buy a print at harbling.com. Wait, what happened at the Pentagon that you're harping on about? I want to hear this. So there's so many things in the 9-11 stuff

that is like just like completely not true. Not true. Or you believe to not be true. Well, I just know that what they told this is bullshit. Does that make sense? Or you believe it's bullshit. Because you don't know if it's bullshit. Well, what is the black box on an airplane supposed to do?

Right. It's supposed to record. Correct? Yeah. And it's in a box that's indestructible. It means even if it was in war or even if that plane was melted, the black box would survive. And they're like, no, I was too hot.

The black box melted. Right. And you're like, wait, so how did the black box melt? That's impossible. mixed with the fact that they found clothes, they found passports of all the terrorists, they found all these things. So, like, that stuff survived,

but the black box didn't. And so, like, I'm just saying, like, those are, like, the kind of things where you start to go, like, some of this stuff doesn't make sense. That doesn't mean, I believe, I just jumped to, like, my conclusions of that it must have been an inside job or whatever.

So, like, one of the ones about the Pentagon was, it just looks like a missile was shot, like, through the wall. It doesn't look like a plane went through it. Yeah, that's right. That one was very, ambiguous. Yeah.

And also, you don't have a lot of information on it. They gave you two slides from like a gas station far away. Yeah, they seem to cover it up rather rapidly. And you're like,

there should be millions of cameras on the Pentagon. Yeah. Why is the only camera footage we have from like a quickie mart? It's like a block away and it's really just like two slides. And there's two slides,

you can't identify a plane. It looks like something was shot through it, kind of. Well, there had to be, if it was a plane, there had to be passengers on it. Correct.

So did they ever chart the plane that hit the ground and the people that were on that plane that died? There must be a paper trail of relatives and like, there must be thousands of people that go, my uncle, my brother, my sister was on the plane that hit the, so that doesn't exist? As far as I know, there's none of that. In fact, that's probably in the Pentagon.

That's why we don't know. People say like, oh, well, like when you see plane crashes, like Google any plane crash. There's like Google plane crash images. You'll see like, you know, parts of the plane. you'll see like a piece of steel, like a big tube thing, and then there's like a wing. Wasn't there like an engine though or something? Yeah, those big things that hang off, whatever those are called, the big circular things that hang off of the wings, whatever.

I guess those are engines. Those never melt. And for whatever reason, every single plane that was crashed in 9-11 is just looks like a bunch of black ash. Like there's no like actual parts. It doesn't look like any planes were crashed. Hmm. Yeah, it's weird, right? The only, again, I'm just being the devil's advocate.

I'm being baby Bigfoot's bathwater here. My only kind of observation regarding the incineration of the black box, which, yes, it's supposed to be indestructible, but anything that's made of matter can be destroyed. Okay. So you have to imagine that the average plane crash probably happens. It's probably rare a plane just, goes right into the ground.

Right. Most of them probably like, like do a belly roll. Not that I'm an aeronautics plane crash expert, but you have to imagine that this plane moving at rapid speed impacted the tower. Right. And...

Well, we know planes crashed in that. We saw a plane's car. We've seen videos of it. Do we know they're the same planes? Not necessarily. But they did. There were planes that crashed in that. Right.

But no plane or missile. or anything for Building 7, no plane for the Pentagon. And then there was one that just crashed in a field that was supposedly these heroic passengers, like, took it down. Let's roll. And you look at the footage, or not the footage, but you look at the crash side of that.

And they just keep showing you like a big black patch on the ground with like smokes, smoke coming up. And you're like, all right, where's all the stuff? Well, back to my argument about the black box is the moment of impact where you have decent, diesel jet fuel and the explosion and the burning fuel and everything kind of exploding in that one spot, maybe in that scenario, the heat was so intense because it was all contained in that one point of impact. Maybe that was enough to incinerate said black box, but I don't know.

What's more likely? All these variables being perfect coincidences of a one and a million chance, or your government staging something so that they can go into a war? What's more likely historically? I mean, governments have famously, and this is not just the U.S. government, governments have famously done things so we can go, now we've got to act. We have to act on this tragedy that happened. And the only way to do that is to storm Iraq or Fallujah or whatever. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, that's not, it's pretty likely these things happen as much as maybe the coincidences you're talking about. Well, let's fast forward to today.

Yeah. Where the United States and Israel just knocked the shit out of Iran without any explosive incident. Right. There was no towers going down. They were just like, hey, these guys have been fucking around. They're a threat. We're taking them out. And they took them out.

Whereas you're kind of implying that, hey, let's stage this thing where we destroy two giant, iconic architectural towers in New York. let's kill 3,000 of our own people. Let's cause mayhem, havoc, and terror just so we can go into a country that's even smaller than Iraq and less of a threat of Iran. People don't like war. I think they do.

People aren't happy when we go into war. No matter where you go to war with, there's going to be people that go, why is this happening and this is wrong, peace and love. Love is make love, not war. You need reasons. Right. Right. Even if you have to make up reasons, even if you have to lie, even if you have to exaggerate, even if you have to paint a country or a government as a certain way, even if you have to paint a terrorist group or whatever group a certain way.

There's tons of reasons for all these different things. And so many, many times governments on earth have made up a scenario to say this will damn sure, you know, I think that our. Our government probably had something to do with COVID. That's coming out. And so you'd think, well, why would they do that, Jeff? That's terrible. Well, it's almost like your governments will do whatever the fuck they would like. It isn't, they don't, do you believe your government has like your best interest in mind at all times?

No. Right. And that's all. That's all I'm saying. I don't think that governments are evil. I don't think governments are good. I damn sure don't think governments are trying to keep you safe. I think they'll do what they need to do to get the thing done.

And sometimes you need a little persuading. I see. I see. The day after 9-11 might have been the most racist I've ever been. Is that right? Yeah, because I was like, we got to get. Like, I was, one, as young. Yeah.

But, too, I worked at this warehouse with all these other, like, psycho criminals. You know, they didn't check for a criminal record at the warehouse that I worked at. And so there was just all these guys from jail that were like, this is what happens. We got to get those. You know, like, we didn't even know where Iraq was on a globe. But after that happened, everyone's got their American frags. And they're like, get whoever did this to us. You know, like, like, it.

It painted a real narrative of like patriotism and like America's going to go put a boot in their ass. But wait a minute. Iraq was completely obliterated with Saddam Hussein long before 9-11 ever happened. Absolutely. Remember their motivation was the weapons of mass destruction. Right. I'm saying. So the annihilation of Iraq had already happened. I'm talking about the Osama bin Laden kind of like we've got to get these, you know, the ISIS. We've got to get that. That's when that whole chapter kind of started.

Right, right. We needed a villain. Who did it? It was Osama bin Laden, and he flew these planes and these terrorists with their box cutters, and they're in caves, and we don't know how to get to them. And don't worry about the exact location, because they're always moving locations, and we've got to find them. And so it was a very puzzling thing to get real information about.

I mean, even as I'm trying to, like, recall it, so it was 20-something years ago. Right. I'm going, yeah, that's right. There was, like, some sort of thing. But we didn't care. As a dumb, like, American, I was like they blew up our trade center and they caused terror in New York City

and I didn't want to ask questions. It almost seemed insensitive to go how could a building fall? It was insensitive to say, what do you mean the black box melted? It was insensitive because now people in New York will clutch their pearls and go, but I knew someone who died in 9-11

and you weren't even allowed to question the thing. Yeah. We're 20 years away from this. I'm sure someone's going to go, he shouldn't be talking about that. Steve Renazizi was in the second tower or whatever. You know, people are going to get mad that you're even bringing it up or questioning. No, this is like the First Amendment guys on the sidewalk.

We're allowed to talk about it. It's all just a conversation where there's no real conclusive answers because, as you said, we don't know. And by the time it will be public or by the time it will be appropriate to discuss or or talk about, everyone will have gotten away with it. It'll be so long after that nobody will be able to be held accountable. accountable. We're probably not going to figure out who really pulled the trigger on JFK for another like 20, 30 years. And then by then, who cares? By then, you know, there's really no way to like, but if you would have in, you know, in the 60s, been talking the way I'm talking about the assassination of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, people would have clutched their pearls and go, don't talk about that.

That is a tragedy. I can't believe you're having the gall to say these things. The family's mourning. I just can't believe you had the gall to say Fitzgerald. I mean, it's such a regal name. JFK is all we need. And then you had to throw in Fitzgerald. And now suddenly he's a nerd. Fitzgerald. It was like it was so stoic.

JFK. John F. Kennedy. You had to throw in the Fitzgerald and totally emasculate the guy. Hey, Fitzgerald. Hey, you're getting that convertible today in Dallas? Wow. That's wild. Oh, Fitzgerald.

Don't forget to put the roof up Fitzgerald. I'm offended. Well, you're the one that brought up Fitzgerald. You brought up the convertible. I know, but I'll have brought it up because you brought up that effeminate middle name.

She's Gerald. I didn't even know that was his middle name until you dropped that. I thought it sounded honorable. Cabbage bomb on me right now. What do you mean? Is that really his middle name?

Cabbage bomb. I know. Like, is that real. Yeah, this is real. Yeah. I thought a kick-ass guy like him would be like Frank. No, no.

Be like, fuck. you. Like, John, fuck you, Kennedy. We're going, we're going to the moon and fuck you

for these reasons and the other things. Ask not what your country can do for you. Fuck you. Ask what you can do for your country. That's the ending.

Every time it goes to how they died. Diana, JFK. Yeah. No. Why doesn't anyone talk like that guy anymore?

Like John F. Kennedy? What is that voice? They all did back then. I know. Back in the day. Everyone from Maine. News alert. News alert.

John F. Kennedy has been killed. News alert. Like everyone. Listen, sweetheart. You want to go down to the candy store later? I'll buy you a malt.

Yeah, that's right. It's a crazy voice. I know. And I know that Chappelle has a bit about how like, see, guy, you know, like that kind of like old-timey mobster

kind of voice. But I'm talking about like JFK in like the New England area. Yeah. I've never heard anyone talk like that. Yeah. We choose to go to the moon. You're like,

you just sounded like one of the munchkins from Wizard of Oz. We represent the lollipop boys on the moon. Yeah, maybe they're from Maine. Maybe they're from Maine, too. Maybe the lollipop boys were Kennedys. We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon.

That's not what you can. The lollipop boys. Someone, may AI that please. I think if one of the lollipop boys had been president, maybe they want to have been hit in that convertible because it would have been so low, so little. Their head would have been below the seat.

Yeah. They'd probably be cocky about it, too. Like, he can't even assassinate it. Yeah. Good look. It'll take a hell of a sniper to assassinate me. Like, at the most, maybe, like, the sniper shatters a big round lollipop. Because that would probably be sticking up.

And maybe the tips of those curly shoes they wore. No, no, they wouldn't get, that'd be in the floorboard. You'd be real safe. The shoes would be real safe. Yeah, those curly lollipop boys shoes. The lollip. That's what's going to get destroyed for sure. Yeah, that lollipop.

we should have a Dorf president. A what? Just for safety. A dwarf? A Dorf, who's president? Yeah. We've had everything else, you know, except a woman. But we haven't had a Dorf.

Yeah. What about a dwarf woman? We'll do all the guy stuff. What about a Dorff woman? Once you've checked every box of men in office, then we'll get a lady president. Yeah, we will. I don't know if we ever will. Who knows?

If it's someone smart and good at their job, I'm all for it. Tulsi Gabbard. be a great president? I'm iffy on her. Oh, really? I think she's smart. I think she's smart, a patriot. Yeah.

She fought for our country. In the military. Yeah. What worries me a bit is she's a little bit liberal leaning. Yes, she is. And so that that worries me a little bit. Well, that's what I like to be. I don't lean liberal that much.

Yeah. Well, that's what I liked about her originally was that like, you can't put her in any box comfortably. That's true. Issue to issue, she's like right leaning on this issue. And then you bring up another thing, she's shockingly left on that issue. Like, she's a truly no-trived person. That's what I like about it.

That's what I like. That's what I am. I like, I follow causes and results. I don't have an allegiance to a party. Right. Now, whether Trump's kicking ass or Barack was kicking ass, I'll follow whoever's kicking ass. Me too.

And what's crazy about that. It's funny that we're talking about this is that like, because I'll like him for one thing, People will go, oh, you're MAGA and you do whatever. And then, like, when he does a thing bad or a thing I don't like, I'll tweet about it. And they're like, but we thought you were mad. I'm like, no, I'm issued issue to issue on him too. Like, also, like, it goes like kind of week to week with this guy.

Like, sometimes he'll do a thing I hate. But then, like, he will do a thing that he deserves credit for. And I'm like, yeah, what, like, that's how. Hell yeah. I'm not any loyal to, like, one of these. Yeah. People, people are loyal, loyal to their party. And it's, uh, it doesn't

make any sense. Right. All this Fauci stuff that's coming out. It's hilarious how many people are, I don't know why they'd like to, but they're like, oh my God, that's nothing. They're like, why is your instinct to like defend this guy? Mm-hmm. I really regret handing you that, Izzy. Why? Yeah, because, you know, I'll be talking about a T-Rex or Dr. Fauci, and then you give me a big old slurp. Well, that's just the way I drank. No, it isn't. It's my first amendment right to slurp, and I'm going to do it again, and you can't. If you want to fill me with your phone, you can't. We really need to rethink these. First Amendment rights. If you're allowed to slurp like that, it's unbelievable. I'll slurp all the way

to 9-12 if I want. 9-12 was a quiet day, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. Not a lot going on. No. Just a lot of sad. You know what's interesting? Have you been to the 9-11 Memorial? I have not. Wow. It's so, no offense to the victims, no offense to New York, no offense to Americans. I don't really like it. I find it a bit more, but I like it that there's a Memorial. Yeah. I wish they had did something that was a little more celebratory of life. But if you've never been there, it's literally they took the foundations of the two buildings

and the buildings are gone. Now they've just left the square. They made it black marble. And they just dropped down into the earth and there's water pouring down. Weird. And my opinion, just artistic or architecturally or whatever it is, It looks to me very dark, ominous. It almost looks like the portal to hell to me.

Oh, my God. When I'm looking at it, this is very, like, it's sort of creepy. It looks like something you'd see in a horror movie. Like they moved all these rocks and here's this right in the middle of the ground. I haven't seen this, no. Oh, you should go. And no offense. I'm not trying to be mean or cruel or devalue 9-11.

I'm just saying from an artistic point of view, because the memorial is about death and life and a famous one. I mean, a real famous one. Yeah, I just wish it was a little more uplifting, even though it's a dark moment. I guess I think about the people who lost their lives, and I go, man, this is, that looks like the gateway to hell. It's very dark.

That's how I feel about the Oklahoma City bombing. So in Oklahoma, they have like a museum that you can go to. But it seems to just highlight him, the guy who did the bombing. Oh, God, yeah. It seems like if he was there, he would be like, yeah, this is my work. Yeah.

Like, it was way too morbid or dark towards, like, almost celebrating the guy who did it. His cause versus, you know, like we love these documentaries about serial killers and all this different stuff. That's what this museum is kind of like, I feel like they're capitalizing on it. Like people who want to go there

and be like, oh, and here, you know, he put a bomb in this and he was working on that and he lived in the woods. And, like, why are we celebrating the guy who did the terrible thing? Like we should be honoring the people who passed, you know? Well, that's my point.

And to add on to the, there is a museum underground at the site. But again, it's subterranean. And it's very cavernous. It looks like they kind of kept the underground kind of strata. And they've got pictures, beautiful portraits of all the people that passed away. And that's very beautiful, but it's a very sort of morbid, dark environment. And then when you go upstairs and you see these, these, these, black vacuous crevasses with water pouring down in them. And there doesn't seem to be a bottom.

You almost feel like they're flowing into the center of the earth or down to hell. I'm surprised you didn't ride down on one of those. You can't get in there. They won't let you. I guess you could if you really. I mean, people have gone over Niagara Falls. But I wish they had sort of done something, at least maybe have one of the dark ones, but maybe have something else that was like a pillar of light. or a statue of a large person, like bright colors and something. Well, it's very un-American to put a memorial down there with trenches and water. Like, if it was Teddy Roosevelt or one of these guys, they would have built on top of it. They would have built towers like twice as tall.

And they'd have said, hey, this is where it used to be. Like, there would be no, there would be like an acknowledgement of what happened. But like the idea is to build on top of it. Build bigger, build stronger, like a big fuck you to the... Yeah. That's the old school way of doing it for sure. These, you know, an analogy I would create is, you know, this was a horrible moment, a horrible event. And just talking about it when I surmise it all, these two gaping holes in the ground feel like open wounds.

Twin towers, twin slurping. Yeah. The new twin slurps. But, yeah, they're very a little unsettling for my taste. Yeah, it sounds gross. I haven't seen it. But I remember when I was... It's worth a visit.

It's worth a visit. Living in New York, it was just a big construction. They don't even know what they were doing. It was just kind of an empty area. It's worth seeing. And it's great to go there and spiritually connect and say prayers and remember the people and the horrible event. But I don't know if making it look dark and ominous is, you know, they say it's like never forget or always remember whatever the slogan is. It's like, yeah, but do we really want?

that kind of dark reminder? I don't know. I felt like that in Germany. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when I was in Germany, we were there for like 10 days. And it felt overwhelmingly negative. It felt like the Germans couldn't be proud of their food. The Germans couldn't be proud of the drinking or the culture or the way they used to dress.

There was no, like, famous German DJ that everyone was going to go talk about. There was no, like, everything had to do with World War II. Still? Yeah, just that's all it was. was. It's like, oh, you know. Wait, what part of Germany was this? The two main cities, Berlin, Berlin, and then the two most cliche tourist places.

I can't remember. Dusseldorf or Frankfurt? No, it's not the Dusseldorf. Is that a real place, Dusseldorf? I thought you were doing a Arlenbord. No, no, that's a real city. I lived in Germany for a year. We were in Berlin and Stuttgart?

No, like what's like the most cliche? Well, Hamburg. Coln? Man, I don't know. We were in two different cities there, and Berlin was definitely one of them. Let me look. But anyways, I just felt like it was a lot of, like, Holocaust stuff. And of course, we need to respect that and remember it.

But does it have to be ever... It was bumming me out. I mean, after, like, you know, 10 days, you're just going, I get it. Like, I understand. I can't cry every hour of every day that I'm here. There must be some other stuff I can enjoy. See, I had a different experience. I lived in Cologne for almost a year.

year and a half. And I found the opposite. I found that people were sort of, it was a very cosmopolitan city, and I didn't get that kind of sense of the lingered. Yeah, I didn't get that where I was. Okay. But

these are all saying Berlin. Let me see here. Pariser-Platt's, is that in Berlin? Rommender-Steely? Okay, now you just Berlin again. I think those are all like areas of Berlin, I'm guessing. Yeah, I think those are subdivisions of Berlin. Have you ever been a...

Did you own Laterhausen? I wore it when I was there, yeah, for like a kind of a gag. You did? Yeah. No, really? Yeah, it was funny. It was fun to walk around like that. A little leather shorts with this... Yeah, I looked cool. We liked it. I'm trying to find the name of the other place. Just saying that you looked cool?

I looked cool in them, yeah. Here's a photo of me, and... in them. That's you? I was doing the whole thing. Yeah, that's me. You got to send that to me. I want to put that in. You got to send that to me. I don't know why I'm having trouble finding the second town. But maybe it was Hamburg or is that it?

Hamburg. I'm just naming the major cities like Stuttgart, Hamburg, Dusseldorf, Cologne. Maybe I was just in Berlin the whole time. I might have just been in Berlin the whole time. But I thought we went to like two major parts, but I could be. wrong. Zidadel. We were there for a concert with the Saw the Beach Boys. It's always fun. The Holocaust

and the Beach Boys. That's what I'm saying. It's a good combo. There wasn't like many things to see. They also talked about Hitler. Let's go cooking now. Everybody cooking now. Cooking now. Cooking. What? I mean, what the hell? Well, there was just too much like Hitler talk too. But not by the Germans.

Well, by, yeah, no, by everybody that was like working there or lived there, they think that's what you want to know. Really? Yeah, because we're just dumb tourists. And they're like, you know, this bar, Hitler came in here with some of his people. And you're like, oh, cool. And then you go to another bar and like, you know, the Hitler came in here.

I'm like, I know. Like, it's just too much Hitler, too much. Do they have like a man's Chinese theater where they got like Hitler's footprints in the concrete with his handprints? No, but they might as well. Yeah, this is where Hitler used to go to the cinema and watch the movie. Yeah. Our driver was like this crazy. he was just crazy good at his job.

He'd be like, I'll take you over here. And he's like a history kind of guy. Your driver? Yeah, he was awesome. Too bad lady died. I didn't know him. Yeah, well, I had the best driver. He wasn't a Fed. So, but he was going, he was telling us about Hitler.

And it was like the first day. And he was like, yes, and the Hitler he came here and he's doing this. And he's doing all this and he's doing all this thing. And then like, we're kind of just listening to all the terrible things he was telling us about Hitler. And then he was like, yeah, so bad guys. and then just keeps driving you like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we know. Undersatement of the century. Bad guy.

Yeah. It almost sounds like a star tours like thing, like you do in Hollywood, where you get in the van and they take you around all the celebrity hotspots. Sounds like you had like a German like star tour ride or something. That's what it felt like the whole time we were there. Bizarre. Because like we went to Dachau. We went to Auschwitz.

We saw all of the things. And by the way, I strong recommend. It's great. and it makes you like to walk through it and like we went to the memorial for the holocaust. Well, could that be why maybe you felt that you were walking around in the death camps?

Well, but after like, there wasn't a carnival going on or anything? That's the point. A sausage festival? After four days you go to the bath houses where they cooked them alive? Well, that's my point. It's like that like, why isn't there more other stuff? It was everywhere. It was like the only thing you could do

had to either do with like the terrible history of Germany or like the terrible, you know, things that happen. That's what it felt like. You just got in with the wrong tour package. I needed you. You said you lived there? Yeah.

I think you got it with the wrong. How long did you live there? I was there like a year and a half. Holy shit. Yeah. What made you move to Germany? I went there to pursue some animation, some computer animation. Trying to get off the grid?

Are you a young guy? No, I was in my mid-20s. Yeah. And I went there to do some computer animation for a while. Oh, my God. Just started. Who knew this about you? Computer amination.

Animal amamation. Amination. And then... But let's switch gears. Let's switch gears from conspiracy theories and death and doom and gloom. Right. Let's switch gears to happier times. Yes.

Women dating. Oh, yeah. I hear... Maybe we can combine the two. I hear recently you are on a date and the girl had a bit of an obsession with murder. Yeah, so not shifting gears much at all, are we? I mean, we're kind of just moving the goalposts a little here. She'd love Germany.

That's that where you took her on the date? I should have, dude. She'd have been happy as well. Hello, welcome to the bath house. Table for two. You won't believe what happened here. She'd be lighten up. She'd love it.

No, that joke is, so he's referencing a joke in my act that I... Wait, wait, wait, no, time. I'm going to stop you. Yeah. so just for the sake of this, and I'm going to leave all this in, don't tell them it's a joke. No, it was. It is a joke.

Let's just do it conversational. But it is a joke. I made it up. You did? Yeah, it's not real. It didn't really happen. Okay, then do it as a joke. Well, so just like, the joke is that, like, I asked this girl what she's into,

and she said, murder. And then I was like, you can't like murder. Yeah. And she's like, what do you mean? I can't like, I was like, that's inappropriate. Like, murder can't be the thing you're most into. And she's like, well, I would never. murder, and I just like murder movies,

murder documentaries, murder shut. And she kept defending it. I was like, no, that's wrong. It's inappropriate. And she didn't get it. So I was like, all right, I'm going to do what you're doing to me. She goes, okay, I go, ask me what I'm into? She goes, what are you into? I was like, rape. Yeah, rape. Yeah, like, I would have a rape anybody. I just love, like, rape movies,

rape documentaries, the mind of a rapist. You know, I'm just kind of showing her how absurd it is. Yeah. But the truth is I was watching all this murder stuff at my house, like documentaries and all these things. And I thought, What's wrong with me that I'm into this? And then I completely made up that scenario

to make fun of how absurd it is that humans like this murder stuff. But I like it. I watch it all the time. You do? Yeah. But I'm not going to make fun of me in my act. I don't like making fun of me. See, when you did that bit, when I saw you do that joke,

it resonated with me because in my history of dating, women love it. I've had a number of girlfriends who, whether I was just dating them or they, They were that love the forensic files. Oh, yeah. They love watching the murder shows. Women love true crime.

To the point, dude, where it actually affected my decision on whether to get serious with them. Interesting. It actually frightened me. I'm like, wait, I like nature shows. Yeah. I like nature shows because I like learning about nature. Right. I love animals.

I like seeing how things work. Right. But you're sort of obsessed with watching guys getting stabbed and like, yeah, like, yeah, like, yeah. and forensic files really is a how to kill people and how to hopefully get away with that. And how to deceive and slip through the forensic lab remth. Ask any chick, how would you do it if you killed someone? They've already thought about this. Really?

Yeah, almost every woman. Have you talked to a chick like that? Oh, I know tons of girls. I know tons of girls who like murder stuff. Yeah. And I'm starting to think it's every woman. I think just women are telling you. Really?

like it. But I do too. I wrote that bit as a complete lie. Oh, wow. Well, it resonated with me because I've lived through that and it honestly, in all sincerity, I know it's a joke and we're goofing around, but it was off putting to me. I bet. Like when you're hanging around on the couch

on a Saturday night, is like, hey, what do you want to watch? You want to watch a movie? How about forensic files? You're like, what? Okay. And then you're actually watching it. And after one or two, you're like, okay, I think of, oh no, I'm addicted. Like they kind of binge watch.

Oh, my gosh. And I'm like, okay, this was one night. This was what? Cut to three weeks later. Hey, you want to watch the nutty professor? No, but they got a new season of forensic files where women are often murdering their partners. Let me tell you, you don't want to get killed by your wife or your lover or your whatever. Just don't get life insurance.

That's how you do. Yeah, right. That was a lot of the cats. to be everything is like a guy, marries, lady, has a family. Then at a certain age, he starts banging his secretary, and the wife is going to be humiliated when they go through a divorce, or the wife is going to be a, or he goes missing or dies some accident way. Now she gets to be a widow, so she's getting everybody's sympathy, and she gets a big life

insurance check, and she doesn't have to go through an embarrassing divorce, and she doesn't have to split all of her belongings and sell the house. So it's like way better to just kill the guy that's wronged you. Well, what's fascinating about forensic files too is the intricacies of murder, the different devious ways that people do it, the means and the preparation and the execution and the evasiveness. Like there's a lot of these movies, some of them are just all out sloppy,

but some of them are very clever and well thought out. It's frightening. I don't, that joke is very dishonest. in my act because I when I see a flaw in myself I'll write a bit about it but I won't make me the person with the flaw. Well here's what's a little

unsettling for me. Yeah. Is that you know I went into this whole premise talking about how women can sort of scare me because they're obsessed with murder but you sort of confessed you're the guy that watches all that stuff. Well I don't binge watching. So now I'm a little worried about

you. Why are you watching all that John Wayne Gacey Jr. I think it makes me feel grateful about my life. Oh, yeah? Really? Oh, so don't call me John. Okay, Mr. positivity. Don't call me John. How long have I got to live here today? God. I'm glad

we documented something with my phone. It'll be my last recording. Oh, if I'm a John Wayne Gacey Jr., you're safe. You're too old and straight for me to kill you anyways. Wow. Yeah. No, I it does make it makes me feel optimistic about my life. I'm like, oh man, this

These guys are psychopaths. I'm a real normal guy. Hey, folks, check out my sexy clothing and accessories line. Sex sells, hat, shirts, glasses, everything. Get them on and get sexy. Oh, yeah. You know what they say. Sex sells.

Wait, have you ever mapped out the perfect murder? Never. I would never kill nobody. Have you ever thought about it? No, not even thought about it. Hypothetically. Let's say you're a crime story writer. and somewhere in the recesses of that big old brain of yours,

you've kind of mapped out the perfect murder for your fictional book you're writing the body down in the basement under the red blanket. I have nightmares about it. How did it happen, Jeff? This is going to affect my message. How does it play out, Jr.? John Wayne Gacy, Carl's Jr.?

Look at it. Oh, look at the murder. He's going into the OJ zone. No, dude. Talk to me. You've mapped it out. I've never. What's the perfect murder?

What about you? Your last name is die for Foxx. Yeah, but it's like hair dye, you know? Sure. You've never... I've never thought about any of that, no. I actually have a theory that like, you know, that something changes in you

even when you have to kill someone for like the right reasons, if someone's attacking you and you're defending yourself. Right. Or if you're going to war for your country. I think something breaks inside of you when you've had to do that. Even if it's for the right. right reasons. Okay, so as the armchair psychologist that I am from DeVry, let's caveat DeVry. I think that that's stolen valid too. I don't even think he got it from DeVry.

Okay. I got it out of double bubble comics. What is your fascination with the business of murder? I don't have one. Well, you said you love to watch those shows. I think you'll watch them. They're entertaining. But what is it? But I don't binge watch it like the true crime forensic files. Like I don't I'm not that excited about it. But Netflix will put out these high production value, like, Domer. You know, and then everyone's talking about it, and I'll watch the whole thing. There was one with Ed Gein, you know. They always make them gay, for some reason, by the way.

They do? Yeah, always. Who makes them gay? Whoever makes the shows is always making them, like, gay. The murderers are always gay? They always make, and even if they're not gay, they'll make them, like, hot. You know, like, they'll make them all oiled up. Like, the Menendez brothers couldn't be more straight,

and then they still, like, had them, like, oiled up. Like, I'm thinking about killing Dad. and you're like, why you're shooting it like this? Ed Gein, like, is like wearing panties around and, like, dancing. And then it's, I don't know why. But anyways, that seems to be a thing. Wow. Seems to be a thing, yeah.

Is that why you're watching them maybe? I don't know. I'm getting mad. Maybe there's something else coming out here right now. John Gacy's being all gay. He's got the word gay in it. Yeah. Manendez has the word man in it.

Oh, that's right. Manendez. Wow. These nuts. Okay, well, let me, let's go a step further here, my guy. And this is morbid as hell, but it's all hypothetical. If one were to be murdered, how would one want to be murdered? Has one ever thought of that hypothetically?

I've thought about how I want to die, not how I'd like to be murdered. Let's say it's a murder. Oh, I wouldn't have to, I, what is the most preferred way to be murdered? That you would like. It die in my, kill me in my sleep, you know, put something in my drink, and then it just makes me like Phil Hartman style. Yeah, that's what I need.

He got it in the sleep. I don't want it to be... I'm not making fun of him, but he got shot in his sleep. Well, Steve McNair got shot in his sleep, too. Who's Steve McNair? The quarterback for the Tennessee Titans. He did? Yeah, he got shot by his wife?

Well, there seems to be some suspicion around his murder, but they allege that it was his mistress or his wife, yeah. Wow. Yeah, shot while he was sleeping. But that's probably the best way to go. You're asleep, you don't even know what's coming. Okay.

Right? I mean, I think that's best. I mean, that's best for a no headline murder. Or does Jeff die, who's in the entertainment industry? Yeah. And hopes to leave a legacy and a name behind. Right. Does Jeff Die want the Black Delilah treatment?

Oh, yeah. Where they find his dismembered body with his breasts cut off, his throat slashed. I have breasts in this scenario. Well, you've got man breasts. If they can cut off the Black Delilah, right? I don't know much about or no. It's a famous. Hollywood murder that happened in Hollywood, I think it was back in the 20s. It was one of the early,

grisly, like, horrible murders where they found the Black Delilah. I forget the woman's name, forgive me, but the case was called the Black Delilah. She was a striking, beautiful model with long, dark hair. They found her dismembered corpse laying in the Hollywood Hills, her arms and legs, and her breasts cut off, and her throat slashed. So they named it after the... The victim? The Black Delilah? I believe so, yeah. I think that might have been her, I think she was in the entertainment industry, she was an actress.

They don't know who did it or nothing? I don't think they ever caught the person who did it. I don't think they ever figured it out. But look at all these years later, notorious, famous. We're talking about said murder. It's ingrained in the psyche of society. So I submit to you, I resubmit to you, Mr. Jeff. last name die again.

Do you want a sensationalized murder? Nope. So that you go down in the annals of Hollywood lore as, oh, there's the die-dye guy. Yeah, no, I don't want to be that at all. You don't want that. What a terrible thing to be remembered for is how you died. What if it's the most famous you'll ever get?

I don't care about that. You want your face some fame. Yeah, but not like that. Why not? Because I want it for the right reasons. What if your grisly murder supersedes any stand-up comedy or movie. I want people to go, that's kind of funny.

Is that guy's? Oh, he's dead. Like, I want them to, like, stumble upon the fact that I passed away. I don't want him to go, like, I talk about someone as darling as Princess Diana, and you go right to the crash, don't you? You went right to the crash. That's what made this whole thing happen, is that I bring up the Princess Diana, and you immediately thought of her sensationalized death.

And look at that's entertainment. It outshined her life. Right. So what if hypothetically, sweet Jeff Dye who came to Hollywood and struggled to try and get up his name in lights, which you have to a degree. But what if you're more remembered

when they find you hanging by a gaff hook by the Texas chainsaw guy with your femurs stripped up? I mean, I'm just being hypothetical here. The hell's going on around here? I feel like now I'm not safe. We're in this house. No, I'm just saying it's interesting what becomes famous in this town.

I know, yeah. I'm just, this is all hypothetical. I don't want a hair on your head to be. Oh, BTK Jr. I don't want a hair on your head to be damaged. I don't want it either. But I just wonder, it isn't it interesting. Like poor Phil Hartman.

Yeah, I know. You wonder he will be remembered in our lifetime for his comedic contributions. Yeah. People still bring it up every time But history, when our generation's gone, 50 years from now, guess what's probably going to be the most remembered is that his wife shot him in the head. Yeah, that's crazy.

It's Abraham Lincoln syndrome. You mentioned it earlier. But look at the Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, but we think about him getting shot in the head in that theater. Think about Jesus. All that great stuff he did, and all we talk about is the way they killed him. I'm starting to rethink how I want to be remembered.

Yeah, you don't want to be. killed. Well, I don't know now. I might want to be Black Delilah. I might want to be Black Delilah. I can't believe they didn't catch anybody that did that back then. Although it's probably easier at times, the 20s. Of course. You didn't have forensic material. You had no DNA.

Murder back then was probably far easier. I think if I lived in the Wild West, I'd be much more open to murder. Well, because that was a way of life. So normal. Murder was also a form of defense. I think, yeah, you didn't really know who was who. That's why it's called the Wild

West. Why are you fondling Bigfoot what we've talked? I'm fascinated by them. Well, no, you had him down between your legs and I can see your fingers fondling. With the way that you slander Bigfoot on your podcast. All I said is he pushed the building over a 9-11. That's quite an accusation. Well, even Bigfoot wants to get

in the news now and then. He didn't get any coverage either. First, I'm hearing of it. I think I just figured out the perfect murder for you. I want to kill a Bigfoot. No, Bigfoot rips you apart. Now, that's what that be a murder?

That's a murder I'm happy. For the headlines. Yes. And now. Jeff Dye. Proof, Bigfoot exists. That's how I want to go. As he screams it, as he's being torn apart, his final breath.

Bigfoot is real. I told you. The first guy to prove Bigfoot. I knew we'd find it. That's it. That's how I want to be murdered. You just got Black Delilah. You got Black Bigfooted.

Yeah, Bigfoot Delilah. Bigfoot Delilah. Bigfoot Island. You're not uncomfortable. with this talk, are you seem a little, the look in your eyes shifted a little. Well,

now we started talking about it, it made me all excited again about it. It did? Now, if I could, I'd like to be ripped apart by a big foot. But all the murder stuff sort of changed your psyche a little bit.

You know, murder makes me uncomfortable, you know? Doesn't it make you uncomfortable? I'm not the guy to... Talking about hanging me up, taking my shins off or whatever the hell you said? Hypothetically.

Yeah, that's unbelievable. Oh, Black Delilah, swinging from... the tree. Here come the crows landing down on me. Ah! Old Black Delilah up in the Hollywood Hills. He had a nice career searching for some thrills.

Oh, the crows are singing in the... Ah! No. That's my favorite part, actually. The crows get in. Yeah, they sing. How do they remember all the words? That's a musical.

The timing is amazing. We make a musical. out of your grizzly... I wish they'd let you design Disneyland. That's what I wish. They walk you through and they go,

what should we change here? Really? Yeah, I think you'd be great at that job. What do you'd add all to this great shit? You'd be like, put a barrel over there with a big bird coming out of it. I would, yeah.

I think you've got good ideas for that kind of stuff. Yeah, I have a very vivid imagination. I could reconstruct, redesign Disneyland. Yeah. In a family way. Yeah, I think it'd be good at it.

It's just the way those crows were singing about a murder. murderer. Hi, welcome to the Black Delilah Museum. Oh, why am I doing this? I have no arms. Hi, welcome to the Black Delilah Museum. Families are like, it was fantastic. Mommy, what does chainsaw on throat mean? I feel bad for that Delilah lady. Yeah, that is bad. Wasn't there like a murderer named Black Widow or something? Is that a different thing? That's probably a different thing. The same thing? I don't know. Yeah, there's all kinds of weird. For some reason we give these violent, disturbed, demented people, these cool names and these cool stories.

And they make more movies and shows about serial killers and dementoids and they do about people who did stuff. Add to the society. I know. Where's the mini-series about Albert Einstein? Where's the mini-series about the guy that created penicillin? Yeah. Where's the mini-series of the guy who mapped the human genome?

I'm like, no, let's do another 40-week run on Jeffrey Dahmer and all his festivities. Yeah, they like Dahmer more than they like Elon Musk. Yeah, you know what I mean? Elon's at least never killed anybody. He's done like the world a bunch of great services. Amazing. But they love Dahmer, they love Ted Bund. They love all these losers.

Charlie Manson might have been the biggest loser in the world. Yeah. He was like a homeless guy that people listen to. Well, you know what's interesting about Manson is I don't know, and I'm, I'm, I'm, This could be historically inaccurate. I don't know that he actually did the killing. He didn't. He directed the killings, apparently.

But that's how much of a loser he was, is that he didn't even do any of the things. He's infamous for... He gave a bunch of his followers or just people around him, a bunch of drugs. Yeah. And then he took a bunch of drugs. Right. And he'd hook up with them and then like ramble the way homeless guys ramble. Yeah.

And then he was like talking about all the wolves and the sun. He's got him in this desert. thing where it's like the family lives. And then he would just go tell them to kill people. And they did. You eat animals. They're more intelligent than you are. Well, you just say crazy shit.

Yeah. Like, you know, like, it'd be like if anybody took a homeless guy serious and was like, man, he's really spitting some wisdom. And then these losers, then the only reason they'd listen to him is because they were on LSD. I wonder if the average person even knows that, that, that he was not present during those murders. The night of the, the health or something.

Skelter murders. Yeah. He directed his operatives, his cult members. Yeah. Or did he even direct them? Who knows? Well, he told him to go there, allegedly, but also, they didn't even kill the right people.

Right. He was all pissed off about the manager, the agent, or whatever, of the Beach Boys, and, like, wanted him, and he just had an address. But the people that were in that house weren't even the people he wanted killed. And so it was all a, it was all a failure. It was just all of, like, a tragedy. very sad that some losers would listen to a different loser. And then they tried to make it racial by going like, hey, draw a hilt or skilter with their blood all over the place.

So we can start a race war. And like that's a bad thing to want to start. And also it didn't even work. So they lost their losers for even trying to do something that didn't work. He sucks. You know what? So weird going back to how odd Hollywood is, we just talked about this horrific murder scene. Yeah.

I've been in the actual house where it happened. Oh, my God. And for people who don't know this, the guy who created full house with John Stamos and Bob Sagitt bought the child. Peter Engel? He bought and refurbished the murder house from... Why would he live there? He lives there. And I went to Bob Sagitt's 60th birthday party there.

That's crazy. And they held it at the murder house, and it was creepy. Yeah. I mean, now it's nice. It's got waterfall. and Roman columns, and it looks like a Beverly Hills mansion, but you can't wash away the stink of a savage, brutal group murder. Yeah, that's not good.

And also, the details of that tragedy are really dark, you know, like a... They're very dark. Yeah, it was not good. I wouldn't want to live in that house. I wouldn't want to, and as an iconic sort of... Did he come out and go, I got a great deal. No, but what he did. do that was either in

bad taste or in the taste of someone who's immersed in the comedy business. That's sure. He had a black lab called Chuck or Charlie. Oh, Charlie. Yeah, yeah, that's not good. And I just, I wanted to go,

yeah, I get it, but I also sort of didn't appreciate it. It was just like, you know, Sharon Tate, she was pregnant when they murdered her. Those are the dark details I was talking about. Yeah, so that Beautiful, like maybe one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. Stunning.

Stunning. Even pregnant, she was like, she looked like she was a model. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She looked like a model that have been stuffing donuts into the belly. But yeah, interesting town. Here's what's interesting, too. Tell me what you think is a crime show expert who studies murder. Unbelievable.

Crime show expert. All right, yeah, hit me with me. In today's world, just like I think if Watergate happened today with President Nixon, it would be the most minor case and be in and out of the news in a week. Half of our country would defend Nixon and be like, oh my gosh, big deal. He recorded something, which in a way is kind of not much. Nixon was a scumbag on so many levels and started so many things that they still do in government today. Right.

terrible. But yeah, like... So in the fact that you know if Watergate happened today, it would be in the news for a month and then be gone. Yeah, a week. With the Manson murder and all the things around it that you described that were sort of more implicating him than putting him on the murder scene. Yeah. I think if this happened today and the Manson trial happened, I feel like crafty, expensive O.J. Simpson-style

lawyers would get Manson off in a second. Well, I think that the problem with Manson is he, anytime he spoke, people would be like, all right, keep that guy locked up.

You eat animals that are smarter than you are. Yeah, exactly. He's like, oh, hey, nobody. And you're like, what the hell? Like,

he's a creepy weird. He couldn't even make sense when he was talking. So I think like maybe if he was a little more charismatic or if he was a little bit more grounded in reality or charming or something that maybe it would have even worked for him.

But he was just such a bonked out drug lord loser. That like anytime you try to talk, they'd be like, dad is they wanted him to be the poster child of this kind of tragedy. But in that madness, what I loved about Manson, is that he would every now and then just drop a prolific, pathetic nugget. That's what people would say, but name one. Well, I don't have any, I can quote you, but I remember seeing him say things.

I remember reading things. And I went, wow, that's sort of kind of deep. And don't they say that madmen are sometimes smarter than the average man? Not that he was smarter, but sometimes because their brain is demented, they can go to places and pull out things, extrapolate things that maybe are quite deep. I agree with that if you were not talking about Manson. I agree that, like, yes, that is a thing. mad like there is like this line of like insanity meets kind of brilliance i agree with all that not for

charlie but i'm saying here and there he wasn't like a guy you wouldn't you wouldn't want to hear him do a ted talk it was just easy but if he talked for an hour he might drop a little bomb we went wow not even no one else could have come up with that wordage it was a bunch of like anti-government garble you know it was just like yeah like he was like mixing like the beatniks with the hipsters with the hippies of the time. And also, I think our government did fuck with them all the time. We literally like tested his, you know,

like they believe a lot of M.K. Ultra might have been like a part of Charlie Manson. What's MK. Ultra? Mind control. You know, like they were like doing all these tests on these people and they believe Charlie might have been one of those people and that's all conspiracy stuff too. So who knows if it's real or fake or made up?

I don't even, I don't even have credible sources on that with Charlie Manson and the M.K. Ultra stuff. But I will say he sounded like a crazy person. Well, another little known fact. I try to give him a fair shake and listen to him, and I'm like, this is boring. They did an interview with People Magazine. Or not People Magazine, but they came in and interviewed him,

and you can find the whole thing on YouTube. And he just sounds like a loser. He was, but like I said, there were little nuggets here and there. But a last known little fact, Charles Fitzgerald Manson. That's not true at all. C. When is it my turn to shine? FM, dude.

CFO. Don't make him sound like a nerd. Charles Fitzgerald Manson. Don't make him sound like a nerd. He was tiny too. Yeah. He was a little guy. He was about as big as that tripod.

Which maybe had he been in the black limousine, the bullet would have missed him. Yeah. How big, I totally think JFK was. With his head or without it? Oh, wow.

That's what happens. This is the murder talk. You come in the gorilla nest with this guy. You'll say whatever he. once. This is the murder talk talking, not me talking. I don't talk murder. I just talk murder when people talk murder. Fair enough. Yeah, I don't know. JFK with his head, I think he's probably six foot. You made me say it. I can't believe it. Wow. I'm attributing that joke to you because you made me say it. That way I don't have to take the heat for it. That's your joke. Yeah, but you made me say it,

so I'm giving it to you. So now it's your joke. I'll try it tonight. Try what? I'll give you the one about the Waymo's with the oranges. Okay. You can have that and I'll take your with or without his head, JFK joke. By the way, that rape thing you did? Yes. I, this is horrible, but going back to Hollywood,

all these celebrities, Gwyneth Paltrow, all these celebrities, they want to give their kids these pretentious names. Right. Like a Jay-Z, their kids sky blue. Yeah, yeah. And what's her face? Gwyneth Paltrow, they named their kid Apple,

going back to Apple and there's other son Samsung and in that vein I got a dog about a year ago and I thought I'll go avant-garde

I'll go pretentious I named my dog rape and he does not go over well in the park I'm like rape rape that's a good rape good rape

roll over rape I mean it's not I think people would hate that yeah is it short for anything yes Fitzgerald rape

rapes Gerald Oh god Yeah that's a terrible name for a dog It's probably not doing well When you meet ladies This is my dog, rape Yeah And I was just like

Why did you name of that? Because of Gwyneth Paltrow Just a fan It's rape apple If you want to know his full name Skyblue rape apple What was I supposed to call him Jeff?

No, I gave him an avant-garde name You know Rape God Uh buddy our final This has been fun dude I love you, dude. What is it?

What's the sponsor today? No, this is the words from a wooden show. Oh, that's right. Where you reach in, pull a random word and see if it triggers a story from Jeff Dye's fabulous journey. Before you do that, my gosh. Folks, let's start the show. Yeah. Today it's been Jeff Dye, a comedian, writer, comedian,

comedian, ultra-comedian. That's it. I'm not going to say murderer. Good. Just comedian. And once we've finished this last. last segment, we're going to plug all his stuff. But go ahead, Jeff.

Words from a wooden shoe. Jump scare. Oh, wow. That's sort of a... That's sort of apropos, if you don't mind me using a Gwyneth Paltrow word. And I love horror films. Oh, nice. So jump scares are considered like a cheap way to get a scare.

Yeah. But I don't think that at all. I think it's great. It's when they use, like, instead of like, scaring you with the story or scanning you with whatever, they'll make the music blast or whatever. Right. jumps out and that's what causes your scare. It's like a boo scare instead of like this is creepy or bloody or gross or demented or dark or sophisticated. It's considered a very unsophisticated way

to scare an audience. But I like it. But do you have an experience with it? Is there a story outside of describing to us what it is, which was very helpful? Thank you. Is there a moment or a story where in your life, whether it was it a movie or you and your buddies in a haunted house? I'll give you some scare stories. I don't have any jump scares stories. Okay, okay. So one of the first times, one of the most traumatizing things I can ever think of. And I don't even know if I really have this memory or if my family has just told me the story so many times that I think I remember it.

The beginning of a murderer. Well, that's what I'm saying. Like, you know, when your family, your dad tells you the story so many times you somewhat recall it. in a way, but you don't know if it's real. Your dad an Aboriginal, for God's sake. My dad was holding me as a little kid. Your dad's like, 4,000 moons ago, my son.

Why don't you digger a don't while I tell this story? I was a baby or a kid or something, and my dad's walking him around and I'm at J.C. Penny. And the guy at the, he's like, it must be Halloween time coming up. He put on like a gorilla mask or like a werewolf mask or some sort of hairy, thing. And I

freak out. And since I'm facing this direction, my dad turns around to see what I'm scared of me. He sees that it's just a guy with the Halloween. And the guy in the Halloween mask felt so terrible about scaring a little kid that he took his mask off. And then that scared me more. Like, what the fuck? There's a person under there.

And my family alleges that that's why I'm so obsessed with Bigfoot or any of these things is because at such a young age, I was like traumatized by whatever this Halloween mask was. So you're a bit of a damaged baby. Well, in that sense.

But, you know, it's more, more fat, like what makes us fascinated with things. And I think that that's probably why mine is like, I'm so obsessed with Bigfoot. It was like maybe that childhood, like, fear of like, what the hell was that? That would be reason enough for me to throw you out with the bathwater. Wow, that's fascinating. Yeah. And then the best scare I've ever done. Yeah.

I'm going to try and remember everyone's names because they would love to be a, to hear. hear this story told on a podcast. Sure. I was working at a camp in British Columbia, Canada. Yeah. And it's called Malibu. And it's a Young Life camp. And we all worked up there.

And so in between the weeks where like the kids would come to camp, the staff would have like a couple days off or one day off. And that'd be like when we'd all, you know, do fun things just because there's no kids on the camp. So you go skinny dipping or you go drive the boats around or like, whatever, because we're adults. So I'm working to this camp. And we just, this guy.

Jeremy Nelson wanted to scare his sister Lisa Nelson who also they were all employees and then this guy Adam Lyle wanted to scare his girlfriend now wife Kristen and with Kirsten sorry and they were like the what can we come up with so all day they we came up with like this prank of like how to scare them what we did is we tried to scare them initially so they think something's real and then once they're out like once they're already scared do something that is absurd so that now they're guards down. They're already so scared that when the absurd thing happens, they're not thinking like, this can't be real. So what we did is I hid on a cliff overlooking the path that they were going to take these girls on a walk, right?

And on the cliff, I'm 6'44, but we also had these costumed boots that were like this tall, so I'm like seven foot easy. And then I have my hand with like a hook on it. So now you're 8 feet. Yeah, so it's up here. And I'm kind of kind of doing that, like that, what's the horror film with the guy

is wearing like the rubber costume that you'd wear like Hellraiser? No. What's the it's like I know what you did last summer

or something like that like those slicks you know? I don't know when you work on a boat the longshore Okay yeah yeah yeah whatever that shit is

So I got all that on and I got this and then we put a light up there so when the girls walked by I turned the light off you know and then once they're past me I turn the light back on

so that when they get scared down there and they're running back all be in the pathway of where they are. I'm the absurd part. So when they get to the, when they get all the way out there, we had put like a deer,

like a taxidermy deerhead through two of the trees. Wow. So you just see a deer head. And then we had our buddy, shake all the leaves and shit when they got up there so that they would hear a noise.

And then since the guys are in on the prank, they would shine the flashlight on the deer. Boom. And then run back this way. They'd run into me. Right. Now we thought it would be a fun little scare. A lot of planning.

We scared them so badly. that they both wet themselves. They also kept falling because they're like just so scared that they like scratched up their knees and their help wasn't. They were like crying and that was easily the best scare we've ever done.

That's like a litigation scare. That was great. Wow. That was scared the shit out of these gals. Make them bleed and pee and cry. That's a lot of planning. I know. It was great.

And we love them. Almost like something you'd see on forensic files. No, but I will say as I was describing and I was like, this story's getting too long. That's how I felt. I was like, why is any slurping as his is. Well, I think it's because you wanted to accredit all the people there. I wanted to paint a real picture.

And you wanted to give all the names of people that nobody will ever know here or see. They're a huge Harlan Williams fan. But they're part of your story. And that's what words from a wooden shoe. They do. That's what words from a wooden shoe is jump scare. By the way, those were great for people on top of buildings who are planning suicide. That's it.

Jump and scary. You sneak up behind them and scare them. when they jump. You know, we were talking about this earlier, how I'd like to die. You said how I'd like to be murdered. But I have thought about how I'd like to die a bunch of times,

and I used to always think maybe jumping off something real tall would be fun. But then my fear is that I'd be so exhilarated that I would be like, I suddenly have the will to live. This is very,

life is very good. Maybe I should be skydiving for a living or like maybe, you know, whatever. But then by then it's too late. You already jumped. Yeah, your last thought would be life is so fun.

Life is be, yeah. So I don't want to do that. But I have thought about that. And that's, you know, I don't want to jump off something. Okay, I'm glad we're ending the show on living. Living, yeah, you gotta live. Yeah. Buddy, what a treat.

Before you go, please let everyone know. You got to see Jeff do his stand-up comedy. We did a show the other night, and Jeff just went up and ripped for like 20 minutes. It was so good to watch. He was the last guy up, which is not easy to do, and just ripped the, room apart.

Well, I was... People loved it. And your material's so tight and great. And I think what you'll enjoy about Jeff, too, is I'm the opposite. I do kind of like goofy stories that I make up. But Jeff really dives into current things that are happening in everyone's world, in the media, in society. Yeah.

And, dude, the way you sort of paint them and make them funny, it's so great to watch. Not a lot of guys are doing what you do. Thank you very much. And it's really... get out and see Jeff, go to his shows, and I think you're just going to love it. But you tell them where they can find you, buddy. Jeffdi.com.

Just go to just search Jeff Die on the internet. I'm easy to find. I'll be in The Mothership in Austin, Texas. Actually, just tell them where they can go, because I'm not sure when this will. And that has your full comedy schedule. You're touring across the USA. Everywhere.

Anywhere outside of the USA? Canada, a lot of Canada. Okay. Coming to Toronto soon, actually. Toronto, good, okay. Yucs. Oh, that's where I started. That's it. Your old stomping ground. First time I ever went on stage was at Yuck Yucks in Toronto.

Do you still play that club? No, Zee. Well, I'd like to know if you still keep loyal to them. No, the club I started at, they closed down and they built a new one. So, but folks, check out Jeff. Buddy, thanks for being here today. Thanks for having me, bud. Keeping this.

It's not safe for this house. Keep big foot. Until next time, folks, that's it for today. you've been on the Hala Highway podcast. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. And chicken chameen, yeah, that's good. That's good?

That's the out every time, isn't it? Yeah, perfect. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun.

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