The Harland Highway - JEFF RICHARDS- Actor, comedian, and master of celebrity impressions, takes on the game "Are You Cereal?"

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

The hilarious Jeff Richards joins this week's Harland Highway Podcast  Catch Harland LIVE at his upcoming comedy shows:  WISEGUYS - LAS VEGAS - JUNE 7 - 8 DESERT RIDGE IMPROV - PHOENIX, AZ - JUNE 14 - 16 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an unsolved mystery, Mayor Robert Stack. Oh, yeah. If you or anyone you know has any information, call 1-800 wanted. Child in Cleveland, Ohio was stung by so many peas her face puffed up like your wife's legs. Dude, whoa.

Sizzle your celery, bro. Dude. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. You got to start it at some point You're just staring at me Like a guy at the back of a graveyard Like just standing there staring at me

You don't You don't know how to get things going You tell me that you got these lights And then now You don't want to fill it you know something about fill lights and then you change the background and yeah what do you want me to do well i'm concerned well dude you're just like i sit down and you're just staring like it's a podcast right so you got to talk you got to do stuff i'll i have the questions don't

worry how are you questions too you do you want to start oh what you got this is Oh God. Welcome to the Harland Highway. And it's going to be a great show. I'm going to have lots of fun guests. And I'm going to show you my new background and all my new lights. If you want to drink, we got mood water. And if you want to drink, then look for my wife.

I like a nice. Really, you'd have sex music. Really, you'd have sex to this music? In the 80s. You would? Yeah. What would that look like? Like, what?

No. Take this is only 10 minutes, right? take us through the seduction the seduction of you with a woman in the 80s what would that look like you really typed out things yeah i got questions it's a podcast oh it's harland harold williams dude it's a podcast start acting like it well all right here's the theme you Hey, everybody, it's Harland Williams. That's right. Time to give away lots of clock, clock radios. Jesus.

Folks, Jeff Richards is here. Actor, comedian, voice artist, dancer, yoga instructor, Pilates instructor. What's that other one? Dump truck driver. steamroller driver, and also you have a dog rescue. Do you want to talk about that? We just lost the dog rescue. No, what happened, gross?

Everything on that list was... What happened to your dog rescue? Did you know it's impossible to throw a garbage can away? What is wrong with you? Dude, seriously, what happened to your dog rescue? Did you know the cauliflower is just scared broccoli? Dude, relax. I have some water.

How often you drink water a day? Hey. Offender, what? Offender. Forget it. Oh, you said wife. Yeah. I wanted to break down the word wife because no one ever does it. So how, what, it's like, W-I-F-E, what does the W stand for?

Remember Tom Petty when he sang that song, The Waiting? Yeah, the Way. And he was like, the waiting. The hardest part The waiting is the hardest part. The way to be the hardest part. Dude, I'm not going to lie. Remember that?

It looks like you just pulled down your pants, sat in a steaming hot peach cobbler. What was that face? Don't do it like that. Dude. Tom Petty. I know, but it looked like you sat in a hot peach cobbler with your giant purple-ass cheeks. Dude, what does Tom Petty have to do with my question?

The way eating is the hardest part. The way is hard. Dude, that sounds like goofy from Disneyland. Better wrap it up. I got to get out of here. I mean, that was nowhere near Tom Petty. That was like, hey, there, little lost refugee. Uh-huh.

That's it all. Yeah. Lack refugee. Oh, that's the whole. Oh, dude. You got to dial it down, nacho. So what's the W? Like, if you, we can dissect the word wife

because you tossed that one around like a puppy at a gristmill. I got it from you. I know, but what is the, like, if we could dissect it, break it down. I don't know if you ever used the word dissect over there at the ride. Why don't just take a flying leap down to the center of the, of rye and get yourself an organic shower and let yourself be circuit. You please put your hands on it. Jeez, dude.

It's like you've got turlettes, which is French for toilette. What's the first letter of wife? Like, what is it? Break it down. W. Wonderful, you could say. Okay, there we go. I've never been married, but you can say wonderful.

Wonderful. Okay. There, we, now you get it. What's the eye stem for? The way, it's the hardest part. The worst. The hardest part. Dude, that face, it looks like you wandered to the shore of a river in Arkansas,

pulled down your pants, hung your cheeks right over the water. And a catfish came up and sucked your fucking ass cheeks. You write this stuff out before, don't you? What is this face? What? See? This is a heart is bird. It totally looks like a catfish is sucking your ass flaps.

Dude. They're not. It's just, I'm just singing like Tom Petty. He didn't sing like that. But if it doesn't sound like you want to. It's not the sound. It's not the sound. It's the look. It's like a jack-o-lantern. God. It's like someone rolled a pumpkin to my street and kicked it with a cancer leg. Jesus. Can I get a cancer leg, please?

White, Peter, dark. I don't know. Ask your wife. Here we go. Why? So you got W, which was wonderful. Wonderful. What's I? what's the i mean and wife um you got one eye on you no it's got to start with i you had w wonderful what's i um her wife independent oh there you go see yeah okay two goodies f your wife no what's the f and wife for i's eff you're wife Oh, F my wife. Yeah. Got it.

And E. Extra. Oh, wow. This is stupid. No, you did it, though. Did what? This is stupid. What do you want me to spell words out for?

You want me to come all the way here? I fly all the way out here. No, what's going on is because of you and your relationship with your wife. We want to do identify what is a wife. And the words you used were so eloquent. They're almost. Ripping with gravy. Wonderful, intellectual, fuck, and elf.

What was the last one? You're the one that did the mushrooms. What are you talking? You're on mushrooms. No, I'm not. Are you? No. You are.

You are. You surely. We are. You are. We were. No, we are. Colored memory. Colored memories of the things we left behind

Twisted twirling, twirling memories Floating in paradise Of the way you whore You look tonight We're going down a mountain Looking like a long sleep lung slip I'm going out

you're going with me I'm going out tonight dude the waiting is the hardest dude that face no word of a lie is like I picture you laying spread eagle in a wheat field

and a priest runs from almost a quarter of a mile away swinging a badminton racket and slaps you right in your giant swollen nutbag with that face the way

dude I just told you you looked like a spread eagleer dude I just told you looked like a spread eagle well let's move on to the next question have you ever have you ever boiled seafood

in your underpants don't you read scrab or Korean lobst Let me see that. Is that really the question? Question two, right under the wife one. Hey, you can't look at all of them. Cheater.

Have you ever boiled seafood in your underpants? It's not a hard question. I think I have. Okay, can we talk about it? Yeah. Please, when, where, why? Um, are eggs seafood? Yes, turtle eggs.

So I've, I've boiled eggs, so I've boiled. If you think about it, they really are seafood. Yeah, sea turtles. I've done that in my underwear, I think so. You have? Yeah. How many? How many eggs?

Yeah. Sea turtle eggs. Half a dozen. Wow. How long do you have to steam them? Three weeks. Dude, relax. All right, so people might know you, because you've got a virus.

Or no, you went viral. You went viral on social media. Jeff Richards did the famous or infamous butter sausage deal. Buttered sausage. Yeah, let's do, bro. Yeah, Gary Busey. Yeah, talk about, yeah. Let's talk about buttered sausage.

Where does it come from? What does it do? on my face butter I don't buy jam I buy honey and I kiss it on the lips

what was that first part you said where does it come from is that what you said where does it sausage because I'll tell you where it comes from

right here butter and sausage I've played my butter for him Parapa bum bum bum Ruppa bum

Ruff Dude buttered sausage Yeah How does it work? Where's it come from? What does it do? Well, it's here But how do you do it?

Like how does it How does it work? Buttered sausage You got to have a skillet And you got to have a heat source Oh So you just don't have it sitting there doing nothing?

I mean, unless you can crank the lights up. I mean, it's pretty much. Can you say it? Buttered sausage. Botted sausage. Harlan Williams. Rutherland Williams. Here he comes.

The playful buttered sausage. Now it's going. Dear buttered sausage, it's been a long, steamy summer and the cicadas are coming again. Their big red, bulgy eyes make my ankles puff up and make me walk. like a crab. Dude, is that how you do buttered sausage or no?

I was trying to do. I don't know what you're trying to accomplish. I really don't know what you're going for a lot of the time. Well, it's your thing. You came up with it. I'm just trying to figure out how it works. I was doing a diary. You get a pan.

You heat the pan up and then you put those things in the pan. What do you do like a, is this how it works? It was raining again last night and the lightning scared me and the children. We went under the bed and ate Helgramite ants or whatever. Helgermite?

Yeah, what are those? They're a Tibetan ant that's used to climbing upwards of upwards up a mile or two and then they fall down and they create this funny little jelly that they excrete under their skin

and sir. Dude. Duay! Whoa! Dude, that face, like it looks like someone opened a pickle jar and threw relish all over a priest. I mean, with you, do we? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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Dude, looks like you went to Staples and printed down the aisle naked and blasted a fart into a jet printer. Wait. Come back. Dude, we're not done yet. Here, let me play this. The theme music. The theme music's on.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Richards, actor, comedian, Saturday Night Live alumni. Oh, Harland Williams. Some of your best friends, you can visit me on the Harland Highway. Yeah, baby.

Baby, love. How do you do this with the sausage and the butter? Just try writing a butter diary. It's easy. But you do the buttered sausage. I thought you could come on the show and show us how buttered sausage works. How did you come up with that, honestly?

It's such an obscure, wild thing. It went viral. Like, it got, what, 30 million views? Like, tell me, tell us. Tell them. It's a Harland Highway. Tell everybody on the room. You've done a buttered sausage meme.

Yeah, what, how did, like, where does that come from? One day you're sitting around eating toad stools and biscuits. And suddenly Wait Dude Wait, wait The theme music Hold on

The theme music's playing Come on back Oh shit Fix the light You bent the light Twist the light back Just so you're lit up There you go

Golly G So honestly People Everyone on TikTok On Insta On slap chat On meat mix all these social media things

golly wally whatever they are everyone wants to go viral and then you get the virus and how did you do it I took your wife out back and threw over the fence and then we went to Arbys

got one of those fudge plotters oh how do you think I done it An Arby's fudge platter? Yeah. Throwing upside some sort of a... Dude. Fibre mal nausea. Jesus.

Some sort of Dorino fucking breath at this fucking cob driver hon. I said, hey man, dear breath's pretty offensive. He said, oh, it's just Doritos. I said, it's just my fucking wife. Freak. Sir. Could you please put your hands on top of your kneecaps where I can see them, please, sir?

Dude, I'm trying to get some info from you. People want to know how you... I want you to tell us how you did the buttered sausage. Did you use one sausage or two? And how many sticks of butter did you all? Dude, no, we want to know. Everyone wants to know how you go viral on social media because it leads to... To money, girls, apparatuses, and celery.

How did you do it? Well, you know, it's nothing. You just put a video up. Sometimes you get lucky. I mean, what can I tell you? I mean, I don't know. Really? It hasn't happened since.

Oh, man. It was classic. Are you going to do some more buttered sausage videos, though? People want them. Oh. Are you? Sure. Well, when the Funch Factory opens up again, we're going to be able to go round and round and round

and all the different Funch Factory runs. Tid. Sir? Oh. The window was open. This is an unsolved mystery. Remember Robert Stack? Oh, yeah.

If you or anyone you know has any information, call 1-800 wanted. A child in Cleveland. Update. The van was found near by the river. If you are anyone you know. A child in Cleveland, Ohio, was stunned by so many peas,

her face popped up like your wife's legs. Dude, whoa. Sizzle your celery, bro. Dude. Here, look. I did the mystery music again. Ready? Listen. In 1874, a child was so puffed up.

Her face looked like your wife's tomato cans. Or whatever. I don't know. I didn't watch the show. If you, anyone you know, seen the tomato cans. Call 1-800 wanted. Dateline?

Keith Morrison? She was the life of the party till the party was over. What about that dirty can opener? What got it so dirty anyway? Was it guacamole, dude? Yeah. Oh, you're done?

it seemed like you billed out i thought you might want to check the clock see how long we've done seems like a while well i wanted you because i i went viral too i had a i had a viral character no and then you got that band-aid and he cleaned it right up no dude i did uh because i did a thing did did the butter thothin thing affect your life uh no not really because i did a thing on dr phil did you know i was on dr phil like about this was about seven years ago when i was a younger girl and i had a catchphrase he was asking me a thing and i went catch me outside how about that catch me outside and i said this thing just sort of off the cuff and it just like memes and it just became viral like it was just crazy this is how long ago about six years ago he looks so good catch me outside how about

that hey look i don't care where you want me to catch you but it better be quick and it better look like a tostada outside how about that catch me wherever you want thanks catch me outside how about that and then what happened that was it that was then i went virus and then you went you went back i got viral yeah you got viral i got viral really deep and really hard wow Catch me outside, how about that? And then sometimes you just gravel it down like you're on lithium. Wow. Gassi offa, how about it?

You can even slow it down even. Why don't you still do that? Why'd you quit? Because my legs got cut in a Chinese fucking corn husker. They got stuck in it? And now what? You can't walk? I have trouble talking.

Guess. It affected your speech. But only when I say that. Like it used to be, every now and then I get a cling on, catch me outside. How about that? But then if I try to say it twice,

it's like, Just the fuck. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm starting to get the idea that you're making this up. Eat crab dip, guys.

With your. wife. Whoa. You were never outside. Oh, wait. You like, you did the, you like the mystery thing, right? On an unsolved mysteries.

Here's a mystery, ready? Let's solve this mystery. You're on a teeter-totter. I'm in a tree with a giant boulder. I drop it. You fly through the air. Where do you land and why? We do it again.

Jeez. Hold on. You're on a teeter-totter. I'm in a tree with a giant boulder. I drop it and you fly through the air. Where do you land? And why? I land in your...

wife's lap mr. Williams sir could you tell me this little riddle I jump out into the air with nowhere else to go into the air I sail I grab a hold of a bird's wings and it takes me even farther when I finally land on the ground what is it you said again about your wife freak dude you get oh don't do one Like that? Dude, you got to fucking have some rival flavor or something. You got to chill. Oh, have you ever...

This is my next question. I already don't like this. Have you ever farted in a movie theater and shot popcorn shrimp into the back of people's heads? Like you're behind them and it's just like, Pop, pop, pop. The case of the unsolved farts. Did you say bikini, what did you say? Shooting out bacon or something?

Popcorn shrimp. Popcorn shrimp. No, I don't think so. Dude. Why? Sir. How do you want me to feel about these questions? I'm just asking.

I know. This is the problem, I think. What do you mean? Did you keep asking questions? Do you want to ask one? Let me see him. No, you, I got to ask your own. You can't steal mine.

I need prep time. A prep time. You've never heard of it? What about seniors time? Sir. I'm going to a bean and cheese rally. Wow, is that the original? Yeah.

Greece, priest, Greece. Priest freak. Do you want to play the game, you played it last time, and you were so good at it? It was called, are you cereal? Do you want to play? Yeah. So you remember how to play, right? Yeah.

Okay, so you ask a question, I ask a question, and then you give the right answer. and then I say, are you cereal? Okay? Well, what does that do? Well, it's a game. Yeah, yeah, but what is that? Like, you win. What do you win?

Cereal. Okay. Ready? Who won World War II? France. Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man. wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal.

So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support.

And I'll just keep the groovy. I change is coming. I changed the backdrop just for, you know, to keep it popping and drop it. Well, he kind of fucked up everything. What do you mean? You made it seem a lot smaller? You feel discombobulated? No, I'm okay.

I'm handling things all right, but I mean, it's... These two backdrops don't really work with each other. I'm not trying to critique your show, but... No, I want to... to hear feedback, bro. This is important. Well, that's all I got. Because you're artistic.

I don't know. And when someone artistic throws out an artistic feedback comment, you got to take that shit seriously. What is it about it that you feel don't work? The color schematic, the compositional organization, the interruption of a logo. I think you're just taking up a lot more space. But the walls already exist. So therefore, don't the walls take it?

up more space if we're getting really deep into this stuff or is it the covering on the wall that's taking the space tell me what it is about this room that makes it feel small for you donnie yeah is it the background that i got that says a harland highway podcast or is it the french looking oh fucking frog in the back with the fucking kimono and the salad light yeah well what is it donnie what is it what is it I want to know. What is it that's throwing you off, guy? I think it's the back ground.

But what is it doing? I don't want to talk about it anymore. Oh, it's kind of a touchy area for you. Yep. Then let's, can we circle back to the, I want to hear one 1980s love story from you. Like one, one story where you were romancing a girl. It was a hot summer night.

I'll do it as, It was romantic. I'll do it as... Oh. Hannibal Lecter. Oh, yeah. Okay. Or no.

What about... Oh. What do you go ahead and pick something? Hannibal Lecter's great. Thank you very much. Who wants... What a great guy to go on a date with? So where was this date?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Well, where was this date? It wasn't it? Where was it? Where I just go? Go all the way, all the way to the... me. Hand.

Can I call you a hand? You can, but not for very long. What about bull? Hmm. You were doing so well. Ooh. Instead of just curtsy. Oh, sorry.

Dude, it's slipped. This is a slap on the wrist. What do you mean? No, this is a slap on the wrist. Whoa, dude. That actually feels really good. It's very therapeutic. Have you ever slapped a wiener on your wrist?

Oh, wow, Don. I played my best for him. Parapum, pum, me and my bum. Or whatever, however it goes. Dude, do you not have one romantic summertime story for our audience? It's got to be one hot, steamy summer. I remember one time I was in a, I was at a, I was on a barbecue pit. Okay.

With my friend Frank, Frank Salliehammer. Okay. Oh, and he could help but take on his back of his hammer and smashing his knee cup and he was doing it over and over, okay. And then all of a sudden, I got this kind of feeling that I should go to the local target I got myself a brand-no sweatshirt. So I went to the Target and I got kind of sidetracked

and I had a hot dog and then I had a hamburger and then I had another hot dog. And then I had your wife. You are off the hook today, bro. Like way off. Like off

on the hook, hookless wonder. well slightly drunk no i'm not a little bit i'm not drunk sure you are you think i am yep on what on life whoa bro sepia oh so tell us about tell us about your dude tell us about you can tell us about you can pick the topic if you want but i'm really interested of a summer romance like a hot summer night like you're with a gal paint the picture

bro so I'm standing there and I'm looking at this woman and I'm looking at this guy and I'm looking at these other people I don't know what they are they could be guys that could be girls they might not be guys they might not be girls

and I start to think about something that my father told me a long time ago he was an off-size of Sherman's long Shoreman, she lived in a battle basement with his dad's, dad, and his mama's, mamas. What the hell? You got Tourette's? Sir!

Jesus. Guy, you got to settle down. You're out of control. I can't stop doing you. I know. Why do you love to do my voice so much? I don't know. I like making you into a cartoon character. Yeah, you love it.

Oh, you'll love it. You're going to love it when you buy it at love. Whoa, guy. Who's your favorite voice to do ever all time? I like doing John Lovitz as Robert Stack in Unsolved Mysteries. No way. Let me help. If you, if you are anyone you know, has any information, call 1-800 wanted.

Dude, that's pretty good. What about Robert Morton-Dounty Jr.? or whatever his name it is. The same thing? I think so. If you or anyone you know has any information, call 1-800 Wanted. This is Robert Downey Jr.,

and I mean this is an important cause. Think about it very carefully where you were, who you know, and where you were. It's Robert Downey Jr. If you or anyone you know, there's any information, Seriously, there's no piece of information that's big or small or too big or too small. Was that Robert Downey Jr.?

No. Who was it? It's your wife. Oh, I wondered what happened to him, her. Whoa. Dude, tell us about Jeff does the best, like, Internet show on YouTube, Deep Fakes, the Jeff Richard show. you go on there, bro, and you have like a whole gallery of incredible like interceptions or what are they called? Perceptions. Impersonations. Impersonations. Is it impersonations or

impressions? Because people get it mixed up. I don't know. But they do. I don't know what it is. I think it's impersonations because you're impersonating a person. But is it an impression because you're doing an impression of a person. person, but it feels like an impression would be if you stuffed their face in concrete, like wet concrete. Whoa, dude. It would leave an impression. Yeah, and you'd get in trouble for that. Right.

So, a, the other one I said, which I forget already, what did I say? What I say? I was talking about impressions and we're talking about cement and concrete. What did we say? What was the other one? What was the other one I said? It's an impression. Frush.

I'm going down to impersonation. Impersonations. Yeah, guy. Who's your, like, tell us who's in that library. Because people, I want people to go watch your show. I like to do David Attenborough. Oh, I love him, the nature guy. Oh, a snowfinch.

I'm a cruel creature and still, not yet born. Oh! this tiny speck of dirt is not just a speck of dirt inside our mustard spiders is he British or does he just have a deviated septum I've got to deviate that's very funny

you are very funny he's one of those guys you wouldn't know if he thought you're funny or not you would just go You are marvelous tonight. You are most funny. You've made me chuckle. I can't do them. I'm trying to just...

You got me in the gut, and you kept kicking. Do you research your... Does Reichel Richards or whatever your name is? Reichel Richards? How deep do you go into these characters? Do you research them, like, sit up all night by candlelight and, like, a feathering? You don't think I have electricity? Probably not.

I mean, come on. The way. This is the hardest part. Dude. The hardest part. When you do that face, it makes me pitch you creeping through a back window at a senior's home, pulling an old lady out of a sponge bath, dragging her to her room, and getting her to pull the peach cobbler off her window cell and grind it in your face, steaming hot. Jesus.

Well, you made the face. You know, how would it stay that hot, that, you know? Because she dutched oven it all right. Whoa, dude. She pulled it under her covers and farts steamed at like a, like a Manchurian walk. Whoa. Yeah. Wow.

But back to David Blattonblurl. Do you think he has a deviated septum? I have lots of things. I don't have one of those. Whoa. You don't think he does? I just think he gets off camera and just hits the booze. Oh, I have.

Oh, God, too many. If I drink enough, I can see extinct species like the Great Ark, the Dodo, and the Tasmanian tiger. Or whatever he does. I don't know how to do deviated septum noises. Do you? You're doing pretty good for not knowing how to do. I am? Yeah.

Sometimes at night I will get tropical rainforest moss. Put it on my forehead and pretend I'm. Bungy Boy, the Alaskan Wonder Child. Bungy, boy. Yes. You are quite a sight. Wow. Now get yourself some counseling or something.

Oh, I made that up myself. Have you ever had a deviated septum? Huh? No. What about, have you ever had your legs? Like, you slept wrong? What? Why would your legs be that high?

parallel with your arms. No, but you woke up and your legs snapped inwards and you walked like a crab. What's up with you and crabs, dude? I don't know. I'm just asking you if you ever woke up

and your legs snapped in words and you walked like a crab down the street. I don't think that's very funny. That's not funny at all. What? I don't know what it means. Why would your legs snap into formation of a crab?

I don't know. Things happen. Have you ever seen Linda Blair? Do you like British people? Does the British accent annoy you? No. Why not? You love it?

Why not? You love it? Have you ever dated a British girl? like a brit a british girl no you haven't you haven't you like to talk british or you like to talk english what you like better than me oh dude that face she's an american girl dude when you do that face it makes me think you're like perched on the top of the eyeful tower and friends you wouldn't zip your pants hang your giant pink watermelons over the and drop a Dutch steamer on a tourist way down below.

Dude, you're the one making the face. You're like the whole scene and like this. Like it's really off-putting. Oh, you're doing a little Dustin Hoffman. This is Dustin Hoffman. I'm trying to get a hold of a guy by the name of. Mario Lopez, this is Dustin Hoffman, and you're listening to the Dustin Hoffman Radio Hour. Oh, my God.

Dustin Hoffman, this is Dustin Hoffman talking with Harlan Williams. Hi, Dustin. Yeah, I've been having issues with my health lately, and I wondered if you could give me advice. First off, you sound very timid. You need to get out for a walk or something. You don't seem you're getting enough blood to your brain. I'm so affected by my health issues. I don't go outside. any more, Dustin. I kind of feel like a hermit, and that's part of why I wanted your advice. Well, maybe you should, depending

on what you look like and your body dimension, you might want to stay inside. Well, because I've seen pictures of your wife. They look like Connie Selica. Oh, God. Which is not bad, actually. She looks pretty good, right? Yes, and this is part of my issue with my wife. She doesn't want me to leave the house

because she's bad-ridden. And I want to get and explore the world and be with other women. What do I do, Dusty Hoffie? Get some, you should get some dusty coffee. I am Dustin Hoffman. I want to do something called Dusty Coffee. Have you ever, if you ever want a cup of coffee and you order a little bit of dust,

well, chocolate dust in there, well, this is the best thing in the world. Get yourself some dusty coffee. Chocolati. See you soon. Bye-bye. Dusty, before you go, have you ever gone into Home Depot

with stretched in air conditioner? over your head. Who is this guy? Is this setup? What are you trying to pull a prank on me? This is the setup? I just wanted to have some fun with you, Dusty. You don't have to have fun at someone else's expense.

Sorry, dude. Don't get all twisted out of shape. You twist yourself out of shape. You're the one that's twisted out of shape. Well, you're getting aggressive now, guy. You're getting aggressive. Like passive aggressive. Don't talk to me like that.

Well, yeah. Don't look at me like that. Whoa, guy. Well, don't look, don't. I'm going to get out. I'm going to get an Uber. I was just calling for some help, and you're getting all, like, aggressive at me, guy. Not getting aggressive. I'm just being aggressive, and it's just a side effect that I don't really mean it. Well, you're raising your voice. You're giving me the stink eye. Do you like raisins? You like raisins in your voice?

Raisins. I said raisin. Oh, I didn't say raisin. Oh, I do like raisins in my voice. I don't know. I started acting like it. Oh, bro. Good advice. Also good rice down to Johnny Wingworn House of Walk. Why don't we go? I'll buy. Really? You'd buy me some rice?

Oh, I'll get you your soda. You dirty little chocolate fun-faced. I'll get you a raspberry julier or whatever. Whoa, guy. I don't party on Funboy Street. Well, I've seen you over there. Whoa. That's pretty good, bro.

Was he one of your top impression? I like doing him. He's so good, he's sort of therapeutic. Like, I feel sort of calm after hearing him. Well, it's just, it's calming. It's just very relaxing. It's kind of a voice. Soothing.

If you were getting a massage, you might be getting a massage. Someone would be talking like this and saying, did you have a good day? Yeah. Does this hurt? Do you want me to focus on your midback or you want to touch your legs or whatever? Wow. These are the kind of questions you ask when you're a masseuse.

Ask me a question as Dustin Hoffman has a, why are you such a dumb head catch me outside how about that cash me outside oh you're the cash me outside girl yeah you've grown up yeah you look like you've grown facial hair and you got that silly shirt on does somebody give you that shirt they found it in a huckin trash compact which you have to tell people when you're embarrassed to the shirt did you get you used to say i got this on mail order Whoa, Hoff. Easy, Hoff. Did you enjoy Rain Man doing that movie with Tom Cruise?

I did, except there were a few different instances where I wasn't able to sleep in my trailer. Why? Somebody was tuning a drum set. What? They were tuning a drum set. What the F? They were working on this drum set. It was running next to my trailer.

I just kept hearing this tunage. Wow. I loved the scene where you were, like, in the car with your brother, Tom Cruise, and you're like, yeah, I'm an excellent driver. I can drive. I'm an excellent. You know what the funny thing is? I'm not. What, no way.

In real life, I've got many, many, many speaking tickets. Have you ever killed like an old lady? No, I've never done that, no. You will. No, nothing like that. But I remember when we first got a car. We first got a car. We were up in the hills, and we ended up being Pacific Palisians.

We were back in New York. I didn't have a car when I was in New York. Yeah. But then when I was back, I had to rent a car. So I rented a Mustang. It was a GT. It was like a 200 series or something. Whoa.

Opened it up around the canyon. It was going, man, it was going, yeah. Wow. I was just jamming, man. I was jamming. Dude, this fucking guy. This is why you got to watch is tell him the name of your show, the Jeff Richard show on YouTube.

Like, dude. So imagine that voice, and then you deep fake onto it, Dustin Hoffman's real face. Right. And most people can't even tell. I did one with you once where you were David Letterman, and I played me to this day,

I have people go, what was that interview you did with David Letterman? Because what you were doing to me in the interview, as David Letterman, you were trying to interrupt me. You were trying to throw me off. What? Whoa, Dave. Yeah, you're trying to be hostile. You're trying to be crossing a crossing guard.

Dave, simmer, dude. Wow. But how long, tell us the technical aspect of the deep fake. How does it work? Because people want to know, people don't know. How do you actually? do a deep fake. Well, it's a deep fake as an image, a digital image,

a high resolution, high, high velocity, high impressionistic visual image. Okay. And they take all of these different images, and they're cast in a cyclone type of mix-match pop here. What? And it puts all the different pictures on the face, the live-action face. so my face and that's it and that's it so if you don't have a lot of images yeah then you're not going to have a good deep fake oh wow so you got to have thousands of images yeah wow bro i think

on that note we should play another round of our use cereal okay great let's get the cereal I don't know. I've never had those. Have you ever had an orgasm? A Joe's house? This is too much. This is like being a hostage. The way, me.

Don't do it like that. Don't do it like that. Keep going. Who'd I lawyer be? She's an American girl. All right. That was great. by the way right now what we do is we pour the cereal jo's o's into the bowl have you ever had joe's

o's by the way i think i have adam you've had adam i've had adam what do you what did joe's o's taste like guy kind of like uh cheerios i guess oh really oh really oh really Really? So here's what we do. Here's what we got a ball here of the owls. Okay, now we go to. Okay. What color is the sky?

Blue. Are you cereal? I don't know. Are you asking me or who you're asking? You look great. You look great. You just want. What did I win?

The prize. What is it? You get to go to celery land to lick celery juice of the royal king. Do you like this game? Delike the scab? Do you? Yeah, it's really cool, right? Because you can't lose.

It's like no matter what you say, you win. Win what? The trip to. Tommy Timbertoes. Wait, I thought you said something about salary. No, salary, not salary. All right, whatever. I don't know what her name is.

Do you want to play another round? Sure. You're in the lead. Yeah, okay, I'll do it again. How many states are there in the United States? Fifty-two. You're real? Jesus, dude.

I didn't sign up for this. You're two for two. You know, I try to make you as wacky as I can make you sound. And then when you really talk, you're still worse. You're more wacky. Are you saying I have a deviated septum? Yeah. If you are anyone you know has a deviated septum,

call. 1-800 wanted. Dude, you're in the lead. You want to go for the bonus rounds? Yeah, definitely. Okay. What colors your car? Red.

Are you cereal? No. Oh, you just lost. What? That's the one thing you can't say. You can't say that. Sorry, dude. What?

Yeah, here I have a constellation prize. Butter sausage. Take me out, Sa. How about that? I don't think you can just handle sausage like that. I don't think you can just touch it. Do you want to write something in your butter diary with it? Yeah.

Hey it's harold williams i can derided my butter diary oh slap the sausage in my face and pretend that some guy named joe freak wow i didn't know you had such good shorthand in fact i can't believe it's not butter Jesus, dude That's sick Right Seriously though Because now I'm self-conned Do you think I have a deviated septum

For realzies Uh, talk some more Hi, I'm Dr. Pepper And I love the show Jesus Christ, dude Do I? Yes Oh, clam bake

Clambake where? Your sister's wife's underwear What? Well, we're down to our final segment and let you want the sigourney weiner quest weaver question i want the sigourney weiner question i have one sigourney weaver question and then we can i know a lot about her by the way okay hang on um you have three choices if you broke into sigourney weaver's house would you a a boil a glazed ham p sniff around in her underwear drawer like a chinese wardhog

see try on oliver wigs they go to the nearest office building and slam your head in an elevator door the third one sounds pretty good right how hard do i have to slam it like repeatedly like yeah repeatedly how hard like crunch which crunch which excuse me crunch which now available on earth It's an old commercial from Canada. They used to, when we were kids, they had a, like it was like a chocolate bar called Crunch. And it was crunchy? And it was a, the, um, the commercial had aliens in it, right?

It's about the end. They'd go, Crunch Witch, now available on Earth. And they'd pick it up and they had seven fingers. What? This is ridiculous. and and how do you feel now great yeah and then and then this is a letter to who sigourney weaver no these are just questions but i love it that you wrote a letter in your butter diary these are this is stonehenge yeah dude that was a great butter journal speaking of writings

I know you have your wife, and I've loved your wife for so long. Would you be openly reading a poem from my cinnamon journal about your wife? Yeah. Oh, great. I'll help you out. I sit down on the riverbank, and I just let poetry come. And this is my cinnamon journal. I wrote a beautiful poem about your wife.

Why do you laugh when you say that? Because I fill with joy when I think of your wife. Yeah, but why are you laughing? Well, it's joy. Joy is laughing? Yeah. Ready? Yeah.

Your wife, your wife, plump and juicy ripe. Gravy in her hair, boiled shrimp in her underwear. Why should you care? Go fart in her blump flump. Or what? Her blump flump. Cabbage blumps, garlic thumps, your wife pukes up seafood in giant stinky clumps, melon rind teeth and ass like a coral reef,

go sniff a bouncy house and then bounce on your wife's face. wife's so nice, covered in rice, blump-ty-blump. Stinkety-stump, go glaze your wife, thump, thump-thump-ty-thump, get lit. Oh, wow. Does it really say get lit? Let me read it. Yeah, sure. Do you want to read it back out loud or anything?

I mean, it's about your wife, so. Your wife, your wife, plump and juicy ripe. Gravy in her hair, boiled shrimp in her underwear. Why should you care? Go fart in her blump, flump. Cabbage blumps, garlic thumps. Your wife pukes up seafood and giant stinky clumps. Melon, rind teeth, and an ass like a coral reef. Go sniff a bouncy house and then bounce on your wife's face.

your wife so nice covered in rice blimpety blump stinkety stump go glaze your wife thump thump thumpety thump get lit you did write yeah what do you think guy it's really real i mean really like i don't really critique poetry i don't even know if it is i guess it is poetry yeah i guess it's sort of like oh maybe really really great You know, maybe great. Thanks. But maybe just shit, though, too. What do you mean? I mean, not very good.

I don't really know what that part be. Like bad, really bad. So it's bad? I think worse than that. Gosh, started off like you really liked it, but now you don't. Yeah, everything does. Wow. Sourdough yeast, bro.

Yeah, your wife and a picnic basket. Sir. Whoa. Sir, could you please take your wife? and get her off on the picnic basket I'm trying to sleep here sir

dude it sounds like you have a deviated sound like you have a deep do that sound like I have a divvier and a soft time your wife your wife plump and juicy ripe

gravy in her hair boiled shrimp in her underwear Why should you care Go fart in a blump flump Cabbage blumps Garlic thumps Your wife pukes up

Seafood and giant stinky clumps Melan rind teeth In an ass like a coral reef Go sniff a bouncy house And then bounce on your wife's face The wife's so nice Covered in rice Bumpety blump

Stinkety stump Go glaze your wife. Thump, thump-dy-thump. Get lit. Oh, dude. Maybe the best deep fake I've ever seen right there. Get lit. Get Christ-curched.

Whoa, dude, you barely got out of this. Another treat you had when you were a kid. Yeah. Are you ready for our final segment? Oh, my God. I thought that was it. I thought the final segment was at the very beginning when we said hello. It should have been the end right down there.

I shouldn't even have come over here. I know, it's true. But we do this with every guest, words from a wooden shoe. It's an authentic duchy. Yeah. It's an authentic wooden duchy. Sounds like your wife's crab trap. Whoa, dude.

He can't prove that. And then what you do is you reach inside, pull out a word, and see if it kind of, there's a story from your journey in life that you can share with us based on the, One of the words. Here we go. What's your word? Oh, the word is concrete. Concrete, okay.

Yeah, that sounds a good one because I have a lot of expertise in concrete. People think I could have been a comedian, too, if I worked on it. But either way, where I am, I'm working in concrete. And just like their wife's face, kind of pluck the top of it and then throw it through a car wall. and then get a, you know, Trump to fucking bark out and then fucking snail slice it. Dial it down, Nacho.

Kess me outside. How about that? Yeah. Ha ha. Do you think I have a divvy on septum? Dude, there's got to be a... Do I have a divvy and fopper? Ew.

Fuck, Nard. There's got to be a story somewhere in your journey and life. If you're how old. The energy in here is if someone locked the door. Really? Yeah, it's door locking. That's my favorite Oreo Seed Wagon song.

Arro Ced Wagon. Yeah, locked the door. Whoa, dude. Lock the door, lock the door. She's a dirty, rotten, whatever. Yeah. But is there one story that you can relay back to concrete in your life? It's an odd word, but for cereals.

For cereals. Okay, for real? Like, let's make our last question for cereals. Okay, you ever had the lentil rap at Trader Joe's? Dude, for realsies. Oh, why don't you fucking slam it into your face and then fall three stores into a fucking banana dip boat? Dude, it's our final question. The viewers expect at least one real answer.

So let's go. Chiming up, popping stuffs. Sir, cut you please. Put your legs Dude, I don't have anything about concrete Nothing, your whole life There's concrete all around us I try to write my name in there

I think I might have done it once Where, there we go I don't remember where it was I can't give me any specifics But you tried I think I tried it might have been too hard I think I tried a couple times I don't get wet

You tried to write your name Concrete with an erection Sir Wait, did you use a stick? Did you use your finger? I think I tried to use both. I think nothing was really working, you know? That's why I...

How old were you when this happened? Oh, wasn't I? It just happens almost every six months. Come on. How old were you, guy? I don't know. And there was a wet sidewalk? Yeah.

And what happened? The fucking wife came over. I had to put the fucking cool-wop down. Oh, welcome to the dude drop in, Daria. Yeah, either way, it fucking cost me $500 and fucking whatever the fuck it was, Netflix or whatever. Jeez, you guys, so no concrete stories. I mean, I love how you want to just drag this podcast on,

waiting for a concrete story that seems to be kind of out of dust. You know, like, what can I tell you, buddy? I'm trying to write my name in concrete. That's my only real connection with it. Oh, it's sad music because it's sad. Yeah. No, that's just sort of like... That was a great concrete story.

hilarious. Oh. Maybe if you use some of these fucking thumbnail push talks it could have maybe given me more confidence. You're just kind of doing them indiscriminately after the story is over for no use. Great, hilarious. That was, whatever you just said was fucking hilarious, crow.

Hilaralusp. Dude, I don't know where you come up with this stuff. Nothing's been said. He said, this is the part of the podcast or you just beg people to turn it off. Yeah, that's true. Should we beg them to turn it off? Well, we should beg them to do something.

For Christ's sakes, you still have about 11 or 12 fucking Joe's in your fucking scalp. I find it interesting to notice that most of them stuck to your scalp. It's like a billboard for fucking Pumelsoons. Oh, are they still there? You still got the zits or holding them up. Wow. Call the ants. The life preservers are out.

You gotta get quick on the button. It weighs like ten seconds to late. If you are anyone you know, as any information, call 1-800-mounted. I'm Robert Stark, and only you can solve a mystery. A child in Cleveland, Ohio, with so many beasts. supernatural spirit, or was it someone knocking on their front door? If you are anyone you know, as any information, call 1-800-wamping. We're going to end it right there.

Donnie, tell the folks where they can see your show, the Jeff Richards show. It's YouTube, it's the Jeff Richard show, and then Instagram is the Jeff Richards. Thank you. Dude, did you have fun? This was so fun. It was fun. Yeah, it was a fucking super. Do you need therapy?

Yeah, I do. Pretty much. After this? Pretty much. Yeah. Do you want to take the buttered sausage? I brought you some buttered sausage. Do you want to take that home with you?

No, I don't want to look at it. Well, I can take it outside and throw it and you can catch it outside. How about that? There we go, folks. Thanks for being here on the Harlan Highway podcast. Check out Jeff Richards, YouTube. channel. This guy is number one. Best Impressionist in the country. Hilarious. Deep fakes.

You're going to love it. He has all kinds of celebrities on, special guests. Nobody does it as good as you, guy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, that face looks like a gerbil just squeezed a raisinette out in a movie theater. A sit-all. Uh, folks. We'll catch you. you next time until next time chicken chowman and uh go burn some broccoli hey everybody how would you like

your very own personal video message from me yours truly it's your birthday it's your anniversary at your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh you get to pick the topic you want me to discuss give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to cameo.com. And I record a custom video made

just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.