The Harland Highway - JEFF RICHARDS and cell phone madness, sweet and sour sauce, and the famous ARE YOU CEREAL Game Show!

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

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This isn't fair, I just dropped acid. You're really freaking me out. Well, it's, think of it as sweet and sour time. Think of it as flamboyancy, flamboying down flamboyo-o-street, and you flim-flam the flaboyo sauce into flamboyo flay. Yes have included Jeff Riches multiple times. Why was Christopher walking on the boat when Natalie would die? Matter if the label show or?

The labels? We don't use labels on this show guy. Dude, that was the best joke you're going to do. do? What do you mean? I don't know. You shouldn't label people. Well, you're labeling me as a labler. Well, I am trying. And now you're being an enabler. Oh, no. Are you rolling? I'm not rolling. I'm sitting. If I was rolling, I'd hit the wall. The microwave's good at. Whoa. Are you okay, guy? You settled in? Are you, you ready?

Okay Oh, there he is Hey, guy Hey, guy Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway Wow Two, three, four Wait

Hey, everybody Ha ha ha ha Welcome to the Holland Highway Park hair And I have a delicious guest. Oh yeah. Delicious tasty macaroni bites. Yeah, deliciousioche. Oh, from the, from the people that brought you watermelon dragon fruit. These deliciousiochi-oci-oes. Oh, every good bite is the last bite. Then you can have another bite. Wow. You're all bittin up

like a bite barfer. How are you guys? I was fine until that moment. What's a bite barfer guy? It's not a way to start a podcast. Oh, there's a bite bar for it. Like, that's just going to go over my head. Hey, that's not culture of this part of the woods. Dude, you kept going on and on,

and you started to sound like a bite barfer. I mean, God, don't blame me. And then the music. I mean, where'd you get? I mean, that's like that. What did your answer? Ancestors really do all day. Beyond names, what were their lives like?

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Don't miss out. Free access ends August 24th. Visit Ancestry.ca for more details. Terms apply. Must be like free music you get on the internet, right? No, it comes with the unit. Yeah. Like the old Cassio keyboard?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Goodbye yellow brick road on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I first sat down, you said, hey, guy. Hey, guy. How do you greet people in real life? Like, when you're out in the street, when you're walking down the street or skipping down the boulevard in your yellow leotards.

Like, like, how do you greet people? How does Jeff Daniels greet folk? I say, hey, how are you doing? Welcome to the Harland Highway. You want to be a bite barfer? Whoa. Oh, you're already doing it. You will.

You well. Dude. Bro Cepheus, bro. Are you done with your onion rings, kid? Bro choppy, yoch. I walk into the place. The guy's got the burger king wrappers everywhere. He's eaten these things.

Stale look on onion rings. I love onion rings. Do you like them or no? No. You a fry guy or an onion rings guy? I don't get near any fried stuff. I just eat vinegar and parsley and I try to sit on a big easy chair.

Like a barf biter. I think that's the name of the apple salt. There's a place in Canada called Harvey's. It's like a burger jurt. A what? A burger jert? A burger jert, huh? Yeah.

They've got Harvey's in America too, you freak. No, they don't? Yeah, your wife does. Freak. Freak zone. Frank. Sounds like you need to barf. You will.

They got a notes. You got a whole agenda to get to. And just wing it? I mean, like a wingman would. I was trying to find out if you liked onion rings. Oh, would you find out? Well, do you? I don't know.

What about it? There's a place in Canada called Harvey. I heard this part before. Are you going to keep repeating yourself all night long? It's a burger jerk. And what they do is they put the onion rings and the fries in a box and they call it frings. But now you've got, in a box, you've got a circle. and a fry.

Don't go that, don't get that. And now to me, it's like intercourse in a box. If you shake it, you've got a whole big box of fucking going on. Maybe you just need to want some porn and eat a little less fried food. Eweak. Freak salad. Oh, you will. Freak sauce.

Yeah. Freak salad sauce. Yeah. Uh, uh, uh, uh, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, oi, ooy, ooy, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. There was a place. called Harvey's and they do this. Let me tell you, they've got an elaborate story of here. They take the French fries and they take the underdrawers and they put them together

and they just kind of go like your wife. You shake them up. They're called Frings. It's like sexual intercourse in a box. You can't put a circle and a phallic symbol in a box and not get sexual intercourse. Well, maybe you do. You're from Canada. Well, Terriaki Teethwant, your tinkertink.

Taraki Ting, bro. You're a tinkly wink. Ew. P.U. Do you? I guess so. You freak. Now, how do you?

I keep, you go out to eat with Harland and the whole time it's like, oh, I can't eat. I can't possibly eat another bite. It's like every time I eat a bite, it fills itself in, and I just have so much to eat. Dude, that really happened. You're talking the whole time. You don't even take that many bites. It's an optical illusion. Dude, it really happened.

We went out to dinner one night, and you finished eating, and my bowl just kept, it was like digging in a sand and a beach. It just kept filling in with food. Maybe you should have used a fork. Maybe you should take a fork and stab your sister's forehead

and see if some fucking pus comes out. Oh You will How do you greet folks How do you say When you go up to someone And you say What do you say?

You say Hey how you're doing Or you put your hand up And do a little hello Do you? Yeah What do you do? I say hey

How are you doing My little trucker fan Wow You ever say Hi Hi Hi No

You ever say Hey No How about this one In the summer Oh I got Here we go Johnny Carson pulled things

from under the desk. I carry a white hanky and I go, You-hoo, boy. Yeah. Right? I don't know. I haven't seen that.

Things probably got to get washed again if it's been in your presence. No, because you're sitting on the porch drinking lemonade. And a kid goes by on a bicycle. Screeches do a stop and you're like, you-hoo, boy. How do you know it's a boy?

Because he's riding naked. Oh, how come girls or other genders count do that? They do, but not in my neighborhood. Hey, everybody, have you bought your skims underwear yet? And I'm talking about the women and the dudes, okay? I'm a dude, I've been wearing the skims. I feel tight and ripe and fresh. Now, my first impression when I found skims, I was making the underwear for men.

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So if someone asks why I choose skims, it's because they freaking feel good, man. So shop skims at skims.com. Let them know I sent you after you place your order, select podcast in the survey, and select my show in the drop-down menu that follows. I'm telling you, get the skims against your skin, and you're going to feel super tasty. Your wife. You-hoo. You-hoo.

Boy. No, because she's got the vapors. But you're the girl. Why do you talk like that? It sounds like you're trying to pretend you're something you're not. No, it's just a greeting, guy. That's how I say hi to kids. Even if it's a girl, yeah, try it.

Whoa. Girl Sefios, I'm out of control. I've had a rumble. Whoa. I've had some jelly bins. Whoa. And next time I'm going to have some scrambled eggs with syrup on it. Oh.

That's how you eat. You eat like a, like a, like a, a 45-year-old child. I don't even know what's in there. That's caramely syrup, a Burger King. If they go to a Harvey's, they got the, they got the, when you go to Harvey's, they give you a Coke with a Sprite in it. Wow. And you get me one of those bikini leaves on the top of it.

Sourdough Dutchie stink Let's get to the list I see you holding You're going to the list You got an organized thing To do today I'm just part of the agenda

Well what I wanted to talk about Is last time you were here I invented a new phone Called the Parania 3,000 Do you remember? Yeah It was like a telephone But it was a piranha

Yeah And when you talked into it It kind of forced you and modulated your voice into like old 40s and 50s like, hey there, sweetheart, how's it going? Well, but I came up with a new phone. Oh, no, we've got to figure something new out.

Well, this one's called the Harbiagar 5,000. How do you call it again? Harbigar. What is it? Harbiagar, 5,000. Okay. And it turns, modulates your voice into Cockney British accent.

Okay. And if you want it to test, I want to kind of show it's a brand new phone the harbigar 5 000 let's do it okay here's yours you could have pulled it out oh there's your harbigar i don't think i can even hold that up i haven't you hold it sideways on your face like a phone for god's sake look it's the harbigar oh your your fish is pregnant yeah yeah So anyways, you just dial in. Hello, mate, you're there? Yeah, I'm here.

What is it, mate? We'll see if you want to go down to the pub and have a lime and logger then, eh? What did you just say again? Say it again. I like to see if you like to mose it on down to the pub in Birkinshire with me, mate. Have a nice lime and logger. Mate, I'm in France right now, you know that. What? When you're coming home, then, you're dirty twat.

You're a dirty twat. Well, you're coming home from France then? What hell are you doing over there? You with me wife? I'm with your wife. I'm with your mother and I'm with your sister. What a hell? I want to buy you a lime and log when you're running around with me dirty wife, you scoundrel.

Sounds like you've been drinking a little bit. Yeah, and a lime and logger, you want one then? Oh, no, I'm in France. See, this, you're not thinking clearly, are you? What, you come back from France, I'll meet you know, Halligan, you'll have a nice fresh lime and logger, mate. If you wake up from your stupor, I'll see you there. Did you just call me stupid?

Yes, I did. Well, I'm in a stupor, so I'm not stupid, I'm stupor. You're stupid, Ed, in that. You're stupid. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Are you with my wife? No, I'm not with your wife. I'm with your, well, if you call your wife your sister and your mother and your brother,

I suppose the whole family is here. It was out here in the background, then it sounds like my wife, Ruffling through a cookie drawer, eh? Watching a telly right now. Hey, what you're watching on telly? We're watching our Merv Griffin show on rerun. Merv Griffin, who's the special guest tonight, you dirty twat? Oh, a Cloris Leachman.

Oh, she's lovely. She's still got the moles growing out of fat fucking vainy face, you twat. You're calling me a twat. You're a twat. Dirty one at that. Well, you have to throw that in the end. You could just say something. You don't have to do it like that.

They go, got her, they go o it to people listening in on the other line that they know you're a dirty twat, eh? Aye. So you're with me wife then in France? What you're doing with her then, eh? Well, we're just watching Merv Griffin. We're going to watch on the family later. We don't know.

You're a dirty twat. You're a dirty twat. And you don't have to look at me like that. Wait a minute. I think we're in the same room. Oh, what the, hey, how are you doing there, mate? How you doing, mate? It's good to see you, mate.

Good to see you, man. Hey, you like a lime and logger then? I don't know what that means. It's like a logger, right, a beer, as they say, and you're not a... With a bit of lime juice in it. It's a lime and logger, you're a dirty, smelly twat. You're calling a, it's a frog a logger where I live.

A frog a logger? They put a live frog in there. What, then? With enough fries and onion rings. What the bloody hell? Yeah, the frog thinks he's at Harvey's. Oh my God. God, that's bloody fantastic.

You put all that together, bundle it up and do the math, and that equals you're a dirty twat. And you've got fungus on your lip. Oh, God, mate. Looks like you just sucked a pine tree. It's your lipstick I'm using. Oh, oh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. I can't hold this thing much longer. It's very heavy. Well, hang on, I got a little thing here. You're pressing. You get to talk to the Queen of England, you're dirty twas. Here it is.

Hello, Jeffrey, all you there? Yeah? Yes, Queen Elizabeth. How are you, love? Hi, Miss Elizabeth. Well, how do you... Queen. Hello, Queen.

Yes, the Majesty, if you don't mind, you dirty twat. I mean, how are you? Fine, thank you. We're having a lovely summer up here in Berkenshire. We've gone camping, don't you know? Listen, I have a feeling this is not the Queen. I've had to use the outhouse and put the royal ham on a wooden toilet seat. Why'd you do that, darling?

Because they cut a hole in the wood and you have to do the royal manure in a toilet hole in the outhouse, your dirty twat. Twat! Twat! And then there's another button where you can go, Mary Poppins,

chim chimchim-chimmy, chim-chim-chery, I want to see your wife bent over a railing or something like that, mate. I think last time you said was an Epson, a full jet printer three, 3635, model 55115. Right, right, right. You know what that rhymes with, don't you?

What's that rhyme with? Twat, you're dirty twat. You're the twat. You're a twat. You're a twat. I'm not going to dip your face in a lime and lager. Hello, this is Queen Elizabeth. How are you?

I'm fine, Queen. Thank you. What are you doing this summer? We're camping. I had to put the royal ham on the toilet seat in the outhouse. I'm afraid I don't eat ham because of the parasites. Oh, I don't even knew you had a parrot. With bad eyesight.

That's what I was about to say. Yeah, he's... Parasized. Fluoride, fluorized. What do you think, then? You like it? I like it. The high by God, 5,000.

No, it feels good. It looks right. It tastes good. It tastes right. You want to try the Queen button? Give me a try. Oh, no, I don't want... Oh, you want me to try the Queen button.

Try it, then. Okay. Oh, where you're at this summer, love? Don't worry, don't worry where I am. Don't you have caller ID? I'm in Alaska right now. Oh, what are you doing up there, then, love? I'm having a good time with your wife, your sister, and your brother.

What whole family's up there, then? Yeah, except for you and we miss you. Oh, me majesty, and where you've been going to the bathroom? This is too many questions, darling. You know where I go to the bathroom. I use a porter party. And you have to put the royal hair. on that why am i doing her voice i didn't press i mean what why am i doing a voice see i think

we're having cell issues i don't want to do any more of this this is just ridiculous well you invite me over here for for fun and hijinks and yeah but and they're both so curvy we can't get a straight one well it's a garr that's why it's a terry gar no a alligator gar that's why they're called the harby gar five thousand welcome to the harland highway get one of these on the highway when you sign up and subscribe to my channel and get all the different hijinks. Dude, why would you poke fun at a fucking technological advancement?

And you can talk in these underwater. Well, oh, oh, wow. I mean, dude, I'm just trying to move the needle in the technology world and you sit here like a baked Alaska sucking on a fucking lemuram meringue fringe cake. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I was on the fringe before I ate.

it. Tipped me right over until the Lemon Marine category. Dude, what's your assessment of the Harbigar 5,000? Would you say something? Oh, it's so nice. You can hold it in your hands like this and if you have to go to the gym, you'll just go like this and smile to all the Linn-shaped people.

Dude. Okay, I mean, I put a lot of work into this. You didn't. You're trying to pretend like you gotted these fish You're saying you really made these? It's a joke. It's a new phone. It's a new phone.

It's not a phone. You know, it's not a phone. Stop with the hijinks. Dude, did you like the Parania 3,000? I liked your wife more. Bro, Sefias. Whoa, dude. You got to dial it down, Nacho.

You got to dial it down and put it on Nacho mode. Whoa, bro, Sefi, Asciesh. Dude, quit playing with your gar. Hey, guys. Guy it up, Guy Cavalero. Welcome to the Holland Highline. Freak. Welcome to the Holland Highway.

Jeff Richards is here today. Comedian, chef, philanthropist. You used to be in Barnardom and Bailey Circus, but at what capacity? Were you the ringmaster? I just led the people into the arena.

So like a ticket hostess type of thing? No, I wasn't really officially hired by the circus. Oh, you just were like an imposter? No, I just was helping out. Oh, wow. It's a volunteer worker. Did you get a paycheck from Barnum and bail? No, they barely knew I was there.

I just did it a few times. So you were like an imposter employee? Oh, it's like a pasta imposter. Wow, guy. Like a masocholi face. Freak. Oh, God. Hey, guy.

Let's get to the list. What are you Conan O'Brien? Go on through your list for your taco show? I wanted to, I did go to my list, and I wanted to know, have you ever been boiled alive in a bin soup? Yeah, well, this is what it feels like. Really? Yeah.

Like, has anyone ever put you in a big pot and boiled you in soup? Like cream of mushroom? Have I ever been boiled, you're asking? No, but I've had a boil. Ew, where? Laura Flynn boil in our house. Break. Wow.

Laura, the actress? Oh, I don't know. I don't know what she did for a living. I think she was a skinny little actress. Well, she's not anymore. She's about your size. I think she was in that movie with Will Smith, men in black. Laura Flynn Boyle.

I don't know. Well, you pulled her name from somewhere, my guy. I pulled a lot of things. One time I pulled your wife at a cocktail party. What was the cocktail party? I don't know. Where was it? This walked in.

It was near the circles. Wait. So you walk in. Paint the picture for me. No, I don't paint. George W. Bush paints. Ask him. You walk into a partay

and you're milling around socializing. Is it a black tie affair? There are some black people. There you are. What were you wearing, though? I was wearing an albacrobium finch. Okay. Scarf.

Yeah. I had a yellow leotard on. Oh, that was my staple. Yeah. I had a clasp belt from the 1980s. Ooh. And I had a plastic. I had platforms and tennis shoes.

I had the tennis shoes of the back of the heel. And then I had the front of the steel toe tip high heel. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, brocephiush. Where did you? So tell me about the encounter with my wife. What happened? Oh, there's like 20 questions at the arm.

I'm interested. It's my wife. It was your wife. What happened? I enjoyed her. We did some polka dancing. She had me scratch her beard a few times. Ooh, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, what are you a barny rubble, a cartoon or so sort?

Dude, I was just enthusiastic about your answer. Oh. Like you said, you were barn dancing with my wife. Yeah, it was a barn. And I was like, oohie, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, because I was excited about your answer. And then you just shut everything down, like a, whoa, what am I supposed to turn it back on in any ball up? If you can, but if you can't turn it off. Turn it off to Brocefias mode.

Whoa, Seosososios. Oh, Brocephioschios! Yeah, if I had time, I would. Brosefiasi, if I don't have time, I won't. Shawi, shushu, shiwishu shiwi-shu shawi. Crumbly shallot face. Made easy with palm cooking spray. Wow.

Crumbly shallot face. Have we started yet? Oh, hold on. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Halle-Hawai Pankach with Jeff Richards. Hello, everyone. Friendly guy. He's involved in Neighborhood Watch. He's involved in the...

It's not Neighborhood Watch. It's not Neighborhood Watch. It's Neighborhood Swatch. Oh, what do you mean? Explain. Yeah, it's the watch. They made a wall of them. Oh, the Neighborhood Swatch Watch.

Yeah, and everyone goes up on Watch. a swatch and then they go back to their house they feel more secure about their area wow what a swatch twat oh your wife is freak hello honey i'm here with uh yeah i'm here with geoffrey rich is here there we're having a lime and logger say hello to my wife jeff hi okay we'll see you later wow you just really not really i mean could these be any bigger and more cumbersome? Well, it's a gar, hard-by-gar, 5,000.

But I don't care. But you can say it's a ham sandwich made yesterday. I wouldn't believe, y'all. Well, do you know what a gar is? What? That's this. This one's named Terry. This is a alligator garfish from the Everglades. Yeah?

Yeah. And I've reconstructed it so you can talk with it to your friends and family. You don't have to brag about assembling a telephone out of a gar. Well, I'm excited about it. Hello, love Hello, love, how are you, darling? I've got Jeffrey Richards here with me, love Hold on, I can't give you to him right now

He's in the bathroom right now You're gonna have to talk to me, all right? Oh, okay, what's your name? My name is Terry Gar. Terry Gar? We're talking on the Harby Gar, Terry Gar, Terry Gar. Well, bye-bye Gar, Mr. Har. What are you up to these days, you old twat?

Oh, well, I'm a twat. That is what I'm up to. I'm up to 40 centimetres twat. What the bloody hell, eh? It is bloody as well, but I don't let that get me down. Oh, you're happy with everything going on in your life, Terry? Well, I like living where I live. I don't live anywhere, so that's what it is.

I'm suspended from a rope swing. It's good for your balance, keeps you off balance, which also keeps you on balance. It sounds like you're a little bit omeless, just a touch. Just a touch, your omeless. Ah, it's too bad. Maybe one day you'll find an om. Well, I think I have. It's your wife.

Well, maybe you'll find an om. Osexual. Homosexual. Listen, I've got to go. Yeah, I've got to go. All right, see it in. Wow, that took a weird sort of homoerotic turn. It was weird because you felt it.

Yeah, I felt weird. Oh. How dare you? How daringly of you? Can we talk sweet and sour sauce? I wish we would. I don't know why you didn't start with that. Well, I want to lead up to stuff, guy.

I don't want to, like, hit the, the main, topic right out of the gate. Well, lead up to it, but don't lead me on. I know, but I'm running a podcast. You should be running a bra. Oh, really? I would. Really?

Well, just because it would enhance. Yeah, that's sort of, my pants kind of slid right under there, didn't they? Yeah, I know. They know instinctively what the body needs. These are like my meat wagons. I would say there are a couple of fire trucks, really. Wow. Sirens on or sirens off?

It depends what night it is. Weep, weep, weep, weep. Remember the old days when sirens were just like, whew, and now it's like, boop-w-w-wip-wit-wit-wit-wit-wit-wit-wit-wit-wip-wip-wit. It's like R2D2's coming up behind you drunk on cocaine and ketamine and ravicill. What's Ravisil? You know. Isn't that an electric truck or something?

Well, you will. For this part, it's a drug that I made up. Oh, great. So you're driving along, you're going to Walmart or you're going to Cracker Barrel. La, la, la, la, la, la. Then, whip, whip, whip, whip, whip, boop. Why don't they do the thing?

They always do the same thing. These police scars a and they're going to think I think you're going to go on a jelly donut. The next thing you realize, you're incarcerated. And it sounds like R2. To D-2, behind you, like, hammered out of his mind on lefetril, uh, guad-gwad-lick and, uh, Fernancicide pills.

Oh, Fernancicide pills. I love those. You do? Hang on. I know someone. Wait a minute. Hello. Hello. Is that you, Donnie? Hello, this is Donnie. Hey, Donny. I got a mate down here at the pub. He wants some formalapide pills. Oh, I afraid I can't pull away from the bar right now and no one else is working. Well, you got some under the bar there

where you keep the handgun, the baseball bat, and the extra cash, mate. Right, but it's not mine. I'm not allowed to touch that stuff. So if it's missing, they'll know and adopt my pay. Well, what about this then? Reach deep into your undies and touch your twat, your dirty twat. Sorry, I didn't mean the last.

No, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. Not everything's real. No? No. I didn't mean that, the dirty twat. You're trying to tell me that this entire podcast we've done has been made up or like

that part the last the reach into your dirty undies yeah they're not that dirty are they I think they are I can smell them from here maybe you should look at them let's see them

no later after the show see I just pulled your undies right off brocifius let me see whoa hold on I got a nose like a bloodhound Okay, you've been at the museum.

You ate some coleslaw four days ago. Hang on. Oh, you were at a playground playing with a frisbee. Hang on. Oh, and you ate olive garden with your sister's eyeballs. You got everything right except for your sister's eyeballs. It was your sister's eyeballs. Hello Donnie

Donnie, you're there mate Yeah, this is Donnie Look, I got a bit of bad news What's the bad news? You remember your sister? Yeah Looks like her eyes fell out, you dirty twat Her eyes fell out Why, why did her eyes fall out?

Last time she was with you, they fell out again Well, she was at the pub down there having a nice cold lime and logger And one of me mates, Willie Johnson From up in Bethenfire You walked up behind the old twat With a canoe paddle Wacked her in the bat of her head

Her freaking oars flew out Rolled down the street To Chessick's Boulevard Got run over by a double deck of bus You smelly, dirty old Fucked up twat ya Well you know I would be more worried But the fact that you can recount

Every last push and pull And turn in this Means you were too wasted To actually know this You were making it up You got that right oh oh and you know what that means what's it mean you're a dirty twilight oh you're a dirty you're a dirty you're like a skid mark and a senior sitting since bed mattress eh i'll be the judge of

that give me the underwear oh god crap here we go hold on let me pull them off there you go mate I'm still on the what you're doing then oh god oh what you got there You had an affair with Cloris Leachman right before she died. I've got to hang up now. Don't want to talk about that. I've got your number. I've got your twat. Hold on, don't leave, don't leave.

I have to have one more sniff. Oh my God. Oh, what is smell? And you just went to Arby's maybe 20 minutes ago, am I wrong? I did what I'd get there, though. You got the meat grinder, you got a quarter inch pipe wowser. You got French fries with the onion rings and the French fries in there, and it didn't. They didn't do it on purpose.

And you've got a nice, big, extra large, rip bear. Am I wrong? Oh, you're so right, Donnie. And you know what that means? What's it mean? You're a giant dirty twat, eh? And we're out. And that's the beauty of the Harbaigar 5,000.

No, that's just that call. Oh. Oh, we're just getting started, guy. Oh, no. Really? Yeah. We're not almost done? No, that's right near the beginning.

Oh, welcome to the Harland Highway. It's like a... We've got all the fun and temptation you want. You want a hot cheeseburger, armies? How about some of that delicious real bacon? Or you can get a deluxe flower with one of each. And your own choice of Coke or Coke or Coke or Coke or Coke. Oh, you're done?

Oh, sorry. Let's get into the main topic. These were just sort of like, I like to warm my guest up, pepper them up. Pupple them up. Seven herbs and spice them down. Paprika them a little. Nutmeg them all around. Salantro, their dirty twat.

And then we jump into the main topic, the meat of the podcast, sweet, and sour sauce. Right. But before we get to that, what's the difference between a twat and a twat? Well, a twat is someone who's a clean twat, but a twat is a dirty. Dirty twat. You don't hear twat much. That's not something you don't hear very much. Say again? You say, you don't hear that that very much when you talk about twats. Almost as if you're implying you don't hear it enough and you miss it. I'm not applying for anything. I did apply for a job at Arby's last week. But you're saying you don't get to hear twat enough?

No, I don't want to hear it. I just say you don't hear it. I'm making an observation. Yeah, sure. Wait, no. Hello, Donnie. Are you there, mate? Hello, Donnie.

Hey, what are you doing, you dirty old twat? Oh, there you go again with the twad. You lead with the twat this time. Last time you did it at the end. I can't hear you. Have you got your phone, Andy? You got your hub I got $5,000. Let me pick it out.

I thought it was on speaker phone. Oh, maybe it was. Speaking of speaker, how's your wife's face? I don't know where my wife's face is. Last I saw it, it was like a brick wall in Columbus Street. They did a mural of her. Mural? I barely know you.

You do know her. You know mural. Yeah, that's right, Donnie. Oh, that's right, Donnie. Yeah. Have you been taken? Listen, I want you to lose this number. Never call me again.

again. Please never call me again. Call who? Call waiting. Call what? Call your wife. What then? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't we just hold these the rest of the podcast? We don't even have to do the silly phone bit. Dude, it's not a... Oh, now you look at the list again. You got a... Dude. What do you mean dude? How do you know I'm a dude? I'm trying to make a phone new phone for people. You offended me. I'm not... How do you know I'm a dude? because I'm holding this, whatever the hell you call it. It's a hard by gar, 5,000.

You could have done a better stitch job too. Well, you hold it the other way. You're holding the belly well or had a C-section. If you hold it around, they can see the back. There you go. The C-section's supposed to be near your face. Fish didn't ask for a C-section? You ever suck a C-section?

You ever suck a C-section and you have a one-night stand and she has a C-section and you just lick up and down the scar like your tongue's a human elevator? Yeah, yeah, your wife. Freak. You just lick up and down her sea section? It's the scales. The scale, the proof is in the scales.

Yeah. Have you heard scales pudding? I've got, yeah. Yeah. But have you ever licked a sea section? Yeah. What did it taste like? Tasted like your wife.

Wow. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Faye. Boink. Whoa. Oh, can we get to the main... Yeah, let's do it.

Go ahead and look at the list again. See where we're out. Okay, well, here's where we go. Make sure we got to stick to this list all the whole time. Sweet and sour sauce, gang. We have sweet and sour sauce. Yeah. And I want to know as a prime guest, like we have guests, but you're a prime guest.

What's that mean? I have Amazon Prime. Is that why? Yeah. Oh. You're a prime guest on the Harlan Highway. Oh, is it not something? But what I like to do with sweet and sour sauce is, you know, some people like get dainty with their fingers. When they drink tea, they'll have a finger out and they'll be like, you know, they'll have a finger out.

For some people, when they write, they'll like lick the tip of a pencil. I like to, when I talk to people and I have a dainty button on my, on my soundbox here. and I like to talk sweet and sour dainty to my guest. Is that cool? No, it's not cool, but I have a feeling you're going to do it anyway. Let's try it. There we go.

I'm going to do a little sweet and sour dainty. So what I do is we continue the conversation, Jeffrey. And I do a little sweet and sour dip and just we talk all day. Ain't he? Hmm. They're nice, a smooth. So smooth.

And deliciousiosios. Hey, this isn't fair. I just dropped acid. You're really freaking me out. Well, it's, think of it as sweet and sour time. Think of it as flamboyancy, flamboying down flamboyo street. And you flim flam the flaboyo sauce into flamboio flay. What's, what's a,

What's Flayf? What's the difference between Floph and Flayf? Flayf is with a capital E, a silent Y, and an exasperated S. Oh. But flof is with a flea-flop, fiddly flump, slurply-dip-dibbley-dump. You know, I have a feeling you're not on prescription medication. Am I on there, too? No, can you do them both at the same time?

No, just me. Well, you want to switch seeds? If you want to. Would you like to be sweet and sour flamboyant? I don't think you could walk back there. You've got so much crap piled up here. Who's clean of the place? Dionne Warwick?

I want you to have a chance to be sweet and sour flamboyant, so I'm willing to change. Walk around. Come on, Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Hey, everybody. Check out. my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt

or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print and man oh man wear them loud and proud I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal so check out the whole catalog we got hoodies we got coffee mugs we got t-shirts you name it it's there at harbling.com get your harland original design wearable art at harbling.com today and thank you for your support and I'll just keep the, uh, the groovy images coming. Wow.

Look at those tits. Mine. Yeah. Put your hounds up there. Like this? Yeah. Yeah, now cup them at the bottom. Yeah, now hold that for six weeks.

It'll make a difference. Whip, whip, whip, whip. I'm going to need you. to pull over. Wow, you sound so sweet and sour flamboyant. What would it sound like if I did Hannibal Lecter? Ooh. Hannibal Lecter

calling a deli. Tell me about to tuna fish out sandwich. How much money is to use? And don't lie around, no. You want to see my impersonation of a rotary phone? What about Hannibal Lecter applying for his, renewing his license at the DMV? License and registration, please. I'm looking for an ID, but I don't want a real ID.

I just want a regular ID and a passport. I want to be able to get out of here whenever I want to. I want to see a bird or a tree. I want to see a wife. I want to see your wife with a bird and a tree. What about Hannibal Lecter at a deli, ordering a nice thick corned beef sandwich with coleslaw on the side?

I'd like to get a corned beef sandwich. I want coleslaw some mayonnaise on a Kaiser row. Don't lie around, no. Tell me, how many pictures? Can I get an extra pickle? That thing you do at the end, are you sucking an elf's penis? I'm sucking your life.

What about Tony Stark from Iron Man? And he goes to Staples and tries to buy a new photocopier. Okay, so here's your thing. I don't know what you have, I don't know your supply, I don't look at your magazine, a catalog, or that sort of things.

So I'm going to trust your opinion. I need to get... Photocopier. I'm going to get a photocopier. And I just... I don't know if it's an Epson that you have or if you have Hewet Packard or something like that, but I want something that's big enough

for a regular piece of paper and then something's big enough there for like a poster or something I have. Wow, dude. Can I throw one more? Dustin Hoffman going in to get a colonoscopy that is doctor's office. I really shouldn't put this off so long.

I just want to, I want to call a menoscopy. So you're going to do it or not do it or get somebody else to do it, but I just want to get out of here. Go ahead, do what you've got to do. Do your business. I know you don't have the results yet, when you get the results, just let me know, okay?

And don't call me, just email me. So at the time, I wanted to alert me too hard if it's bad nose. It's a long colonoscopy. Shouldn't take this long. 20 seconds? Well, it's a bit long. Can it be done? All you do is putting a tube in your butt and then you're out.

Why is it taking so long? Hoffman? Like, can we speed it up a bit? Can your arse go a little faster? I'm over. I'm over 80 years old. I think I'm almost 90 years old. God.

Don't push me. Don't come at me like that. Jack. Don't tell me what I need to know. Don't know what I know. I don't like you. Get away from me. Get the hell away from me.

Yeah. Wow. Guy. Give yourself a hand, too. Let's give you a standing ovation. I'm just an eye. I am an Irishman. I'm just a leprecha.

I look kinda like an Irishman. Well, I'm tiny and short and fat. I look just like your wife. I'm just an Irish man. And I need some Arbys. Let's get some Arby's. Get a double, double, double beef and a one, one, two, one, and a two, two, two, two, two,

Arbys. That's where you eat. Them got the meats. Standing O You were going to stand anyway Yeah Great stuff, guys This is so cool

Wow You go that way Wow, dude And that is the magic of sweet and sour And let's shut it off You want to wipe your face with the I am just a poor boy, but my story seldom told these underwear, not Harlins,

but they smell a lot like Harlan's underwear anyway. Whoa. Is that the lyric? Not really. Speaking of singing, if you were a truck driver. Yeah. How do you know I'm not, by the way? Well, you might be.

Oh. So if you are a truck driver or you wanted to be, what would be your truck driver song like what would be when you're out on the open road you're driving through the deserts of arizona elk crossing the road homeless people sweltering in the heat your holl and lumber and frozen veggies what's your truck driver's song as you're chugging along and your mack truck on the endless roadways of america well i don't know the name of the song yeah but how does it go I'm just a refugee Oh no

It's like Tom Petty's song I think The waiting would be the one Yeah No I mean your your own song Like your own Oh A song that you

You wrote for yourself As a bona fide Truck driver hauling furniture And cattle And broken legs Stop I'm a truck driver

Going down The Mountain I'm going down Like a clown On the mountain Gotta watch the brakes Can't pump the brakes got to just ease on the brakes

and I'm just a cowboy but my story's solemn told I was born inside a pilgrim with a refugee and some other guys named Bilby-Boe all I suggest it's still a man here is what a man

hears and that's why I met your wife down at Arby's she had fleas I don't know that's a truck driver's song or someone on a demented bicycle with crooked wheels and an ostrich can you have me my drink can i oh can i oh canada carna carna can i smells like canada oh go to the tim hortons and get yourself a cup of coffee that's what you know in

godina whoa jackknife that is my nickname honestly i don't know jack knife yeah i never told you that wow that's so weird it's not that weird it is kind of creepy and weird is it it's kind of odd and wacky like wacky tobacco oh are you being serious right now i'm being cereal oh no are you cereal i'm ready for it you ready for the world's favorite game show yeah are you cereal yeah all right let's play are you serious now next time i come no we get every time you're here we play are you cereal okay can i leave while you're doing it uh you can leave metaphysically but physically you can't okay I don't know what that word means. It means...

Your mind can wander off somewhere else. Well, it's been wandered the whole time. You know, I can't wander it anymore. Why not? Because you're bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, seafiels. So this game's called Are You Serial? And what's great about this game is you can't lose. You can't...

You've never lost it once. You do it every time you're here, and you've never lost once. Okay, don't tell me if I... Maybe I lost you. I didn't tell you. You never lost. Oh? Because how it works is I ask you a question, you answer it, and then I say, are you cereal?

Okay. Are you ready? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, with Frosted Flakes as our sponsor, it's everyone's favorite game show, Are You Serial? All right, Jeff Richards, Frosted Flakes, are you ready to play? the only game show where you can't lose, are you cereal? No, I'm not ready yet.

Okay, let me know when you're ready. Okay. You ready? Yeah. Here is your question, Jeff Richards. How many toes are on one foot? Five. Are you cereal?

Yeah. Big time. Five, four, three, two, one. Face off. Face off. See, you won, bro. Thank you. What did I win?

Nothing. You just won. For the spirit of winning? It's just, you won, that's just a word. Oh, you just accept it. You don't need to know what winning is. You don't need to collect something material. Have to over-analize it.

I won from the moment I start to smell these underwear. Oh, what do they smell like? Oh, they smell like paprika on a starship up on Dionne Warwick's legs and fucking Calvin Klein's pelvis and the fucking shippity duna. I'm fucking Fred Rogers was there doing a fucking knee-slopper. Are you cereal? Oh. Do you like this game? Are you cereal?

Yeah, but you need some moisturizer. What do you mean? You're starting to get scales on you. Soriasis. What'd you call me? Soriasis. You don't like that name? I don't know if I like any of this.

I kind of like to get the hell out of here. We've already done 20 minutes, haven't we? One more call. Hello, Donnie. Yeah, if you call one more fucking time, we'll have this thing removed, all right? I've got this phone. It won't turn off.

I don't know how the battery works, and it keeps ringing, and it's you every time. Look, I just want to ask you one thing, mate. What? Are you cereal? Yeah, twat. Click. Fuck you.

Got you. You ready for our final segment, Jeff Richards? Words from a wooden shoe. This is an authentic duchy. You reach inside. You pull out a rando word. Rando is short for random.

And you read the word and see if it triggers a story from your life, from your journey, from someone you met, someone you know, something you saw, something that happened in the universe on the terrestrial plane or the ethereal plane. It just triggers some kind of response or emotion. Can we do it with impressions?

Sure. Okay. Pick a, pick a word. Okay, this is, you're going to pick the impression or you want to do? You pick it. Willem Defoe. Willem Defoe. Okay.

What's the word, Don? So it says camping story and it's really cool because I remember one time I went camping, but I forgot my blanket and I forgot my sleeping bag. so we had to sleep in the river luckily it was summertime but the mornings are cold and the fish are pleasant they're all very friendly where was it where'd you go camping willow we went up into the serengeti and funny story one of our trucks that we were bringing there were other trucks because i like to have supplies and other things like that and i don't remember how i forgot the sleeping bag but one of the truck tires uh split in the middle and i actually

went out there and used my green goblin goose egg goo and i put it in the tire and it worked out really good it's really good i really like it it's really nice are you cereal yeah i i think so arland you make a lot of jokes and they're really funny i really like it and that's uh that's words from a wooden shoe folk good job guy Why do you assume I'm a guy? Wow, I'm sorry, ma'am. My bowl cut? Good job, ma'am.

Why do you assume I'm a man? I said, ma'am. Why do you assume, ma'am? Why do you assume that? Because you look like a check. Hold on a second. Uh-oh. It gets ringing again.

Hello, who's that? Yeah, this time I'm going to call you a twat and you are taught. I'm going to get on top of this conversation right away. You ever get near my wife again, I'm going to do something to you. You calling me a twat? I'm telling you. Are you serial? Oh, I am serial at the moment, actually. Yeah, I thought so.

Yeah, I'm frosted flake cereal, actually. You got a flosted freak brain is what you got. Can I call you back a little later when I'm not feeling so serial? No, you can't call me back because I don't know when this phone's going to be available again. Well, why don't you do this then, you twat? Yeah. Go jump in twat lake and suck yourself a twat. bugger.

Aye. Sir. Could you please put your legs down and uncross them a little bit so I can sick at some of my lime green jelly and put it up their fucking... Are you cereal right now?

So the bit, you keep doing the bit, as long as the cereal is your face, you keep saying, are you cereal? You get to keep going to it. That's the beauty of it. You can milk it all day. And what's cereal without milk? Your wife? Correct. Wait, what?

What? Folks, Jeff Richards, he has an incredible show on YouTube, the Jeff Richards show where you can see him doing all his incredible impressions. Hilarious. He's the butter sausage guy. Jeff, tell him where they

can see you, where they can see your social media, where they can see your stand-up comedy, where they can just absorb you and appreciate you. I can be reached at Instagram, The Jeff Richards. It's on the Jeff Richards show, on streaming everywhere, and what else? That's about it. Oh, yeah. It's got to be a little bit more.

Well, I got a Patreon. Okay, see, there was a little bit more. I bet there's a little bit more even. The Jeff Richard, the Jeff Richards Show.com is a website. There's a third one. I bet there's even more. I bet there's more with your wife. Freak.

Brocifio. I keep eating it. Every time I eat it, I keep eating it. There's nothing going to be. Not going away. We're going to have to stay in the restaurant all that long. Freakolo. Thanks for having me.

You dirty twat. Till next time, chicken chowman, baby. Oh, that's good. Hey, gang, are you craving more Harland Williams? We'll join our Patreon page at patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. You'll get bonus episodes of the Harland Highway podcast, our special call-in show, and you can check in with our two goofy dolls, the tender frienders, two guys in their underpants. For a small monthly fee, you get Extra Harland.

Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one, your very own personalized Harland.