The Harland Highway - JEFF RICHARDS talks to us through a man eating fish, and I sing sweetly to him too!

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

Support the show and get $50 off your Boring Mattress order with code Harland at https://www.boring.co! Jeff Richards visits the Harland highway for a second time and Harland takes a call from Colonel Major Tom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hey folks, Harland here. Just a little business before we get down to Bidna. Or business, as they say. I just wanted to give you an update on the $100,000 YouTube plaque. It is in motion. People have started filming.

People have started mailing. So it's looking good. Like what I'm seeing so far. Good on you guys. Be creative and keep it moving. And then when it gets back home, we'll show you guys all the fun little pictures and videos. Second, on today's show,

if you like my characters at the, the very end of the show, there is an audio-only portion where I do a call with Colonel Major, Tom, Corporal Lieutenant Dowdy. He's a military guy. We wanted to get his take on the Trump Bing, Bang, Boom, and he's got a lot of kind of ideas and concepts about what went down, how it happened, and everything surrounded the Trump Bing Bang Boom. So that's audio only at the very end of the podcast if you're interested and uh hope you have a good time without any further ado please subscribe if you haven't subscribed to the harland highway thank you everyone for being here and now let's rock and roll let's rock and roll daddy that's you do that flinch it's your one of your

moves you go what you go like this you go how's it how do you do it like this i don't know i don't know I don't think that's good for your shoulder blades, though. My scapulas? I don't know about your scapulas, but your shoulder blades. Well, aren't shoulder blades scapulas? I mean, you gotta ask them. Okay. Are you guys scapulas?

Yes, we are. How about you? Yes. I got about five more minutes in me. Okay, uh, hang on. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway. Tight on the Harland Highway Show

Harland Williams How's your mic stand? What's that supposed to mean? Like that thing. Oh. And it's got to be near your mouth. This is a podcast. It's got to be near your mouth.

This is a podcast. Dude, it's nowhere near your mouth. There you go. Hey, guy. Did you find the hot? Well, you want. Yeah. I can't believe.

Wow. Immediately. They won't even know because you just said like one letter. So no one will know. Wow. Wow, dude. Bro, Seth, the Osh. God.

Purse your lips much? What does purse mean? Like you got a purse, but when you purse your lips, where does that come from? Well, I think purse your lips came first. right so does that mean put stuff in your lips like your birth control pills your tampons your car keys you would put in a purse you would put in so before purses were invented people had nowhere to put all

that stuff so they put it in their mouth and then their lips would hold it in are you telling me this no i'm asking you well do it nicely um so did people put things in their mouths like birth control pills and keys and then they'd hold them in with their lip is that nice again are you asking oh nicely yeah was that nicely yeah okay and the answer is i mean don't let me swinging out here like a gargoyle on the side of a building like a Spanish gargoyle if you're where you want to be where do you want to be where do you where do you need to be well i certainly don't want to be feel like i'm on the side of a building like a Spanish gargoy with claws and bongo eyes and fungus teeth okay okay i think i i think but you know the gargoyle okay it's cemented up

there so you're safe okay questionio since we're talking architecture gargoyling arc gargolian architecture is the gargoyle the traditional gargoyle as we know it as we perceive it is it a fix to said structure, or is it a piece of said structure? The way that Mount Rushmore, if you will, sir, is carved into the face of the facade of the cliff, as opposed to being transferred and stuck to the side of the cliff, is the gargoyle. Is it a piece of the structure?

Oh, I get it, I get it. So the baby's born and they go, is it a boy or a gargoyle? If it's a piece A little slower guy Well how do you know I'm a guy That's true Because I do smell something Like did you douche today or what

Yeah like you smell like a Chinese like sea urchin boat Off the coast of Taiwan That's those are the guys who gave it to me That's where I got it from Pew You just pursed your lips If you

or anyone you know if you if you or anyone you know have found a baby seal down by the harbor what was his name robert stack maybe you can help another unsolved mystery you ever hear this saying stack them deep and sell them cheap no no you just did well you will it's for a car salesman We stack them deep, we sell them cheap. Hang on, can you just, can you hold down the podcast for a minute? I forgot to turn the air conditioner on. Like, I'm really hot. Yeah, no, turn it on.

I feel like a gargoyle on the side of a New York building on a hot August day. Why August? Because that's when it's hottest. Is that where you're going to be out there? Well, that's what I feel like. Okay, can you hold down the show? Like, do you have stick you can do? Can you do the weather?

Can you talk? talk about your life like I have to go turn what do you want what should I do well you I asked you if you could do it I can't do what you what do you what do you want me to do I need you to fill in while I go turn on the air conditioner can you be a host of a podcast host for the Harlan I'll just you want me to be you no okay okay I'm gonna go outside and change the uh fucking thermal stuff yeah do that well I just and pick a topic you gotta do it I'm going to do the podcast. Yeah, I'm going to go do the AC.

Do it to them. Yeah, I'm going to go down and change the fucking thermostat, huh? Yeah, yeah, oh, oh, oh. Do you know what the fucking trombone was originally used for? Sir, can you please put your legs down? I'm seeing a fucking rash. How'd they go, guy? You were standing there.

Well, I went out to fix the air conditioner. Well, I went out there to fix the fucking air conditioner. Jesus. Why is your headphones on like demented? You look like Mickey Mouse got hit by a ceiling fan. I only want to hear half of this podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 50% off day at the Hall of Howe podcast. Uh-huh.

Well, now that right, and we have a wonderful special guest here today. This guy plays the bagpipes. He can dance. He can sing. He's a comedian. He's a writer. Great impressionist. Jeff Daniels?

Jeff. Dahlmer. Richards. Jeff Richards. It's Richards now. Jeff Richards is here, gang. Give him a hand. Hey, everybody.

buddy, it's Jeff Richards. Nice to see you. Let me fucking cue the fucking drums, eh? There's the drums. Ew, sick. Oh. Procifius. I gotta fucking change the...

I gotta go paint the side of the house, fill in. Dude. I don't need that kind of pressure. I know, but all I had to do is turn on the air conditioning. And he lollygagged, and then he didn't even come back into frame quick. He stayed there behind the camera. Because you were in the middle of a bit. You were in the middle of a joke.

It wasn't going how I wanted it to. Well, I wasn't going to step on it. Should we start the questioning and stuff for the podcast? Absolutely. Do you like seafood? Yes. What about crab? I'm not interested in your wife.

because I did not interested bud dude I'm talking about a crab from the sea no that's what I'm talking about your wife she's that's why I saw her out in this I was on a cruise they start no way yeah what was she doing she's floating on one of those floaty things no way oh no way dude can I read I wrote a poem for you because I know you love seafood can I read sure cinnamon journal I wrote you. Dude, that's a cinnamon journal. That looks like an old journal. Yeah, it's a cinnamon journal.

Why do you call it cinnamon? Because of the color. The color, yeah. And it smells like cinnamon. No, it doesn't. Yeah, you want to smell it? Sniff. Do I want to smell it?

Sniff that whore. I mean, that journal. Right? And that doesn't smell like cinnamon. What's it smell like to you? It smells like your wife. Freak. Get lit.

Dude, settled the arse down. Get flipped. Here's a seafood poem I wrote because I know you love crab. Ready? Lump crab, lump crab. Pinch, ouch. Crab claws pinch my tits and bum. Ouchy, ouch, ouch.

Lumpy, bumpy lump crab. Stuff your face through drywall. Bumpy Bumpy Lump Crab, smash your face through the glass window at a Burger King. Cravy crabs are fun. At the bottom of the sea, suck a can of boiled shrimp, suck your wife's face. Lump crab, lump crab, lump crab. Ha ha, ha, ha. Bubble, bubble in the sea.

Lump crab shrimp meat. Crab cakes three. crab meat in your face, crab meat in your underwear, barf under the sea. Yum, yum, crab boy. Snap your crooked legs. Snip your wife's forehead

and suck a bag of grass seed at the back of a Home Depot. Wow. That's from me to you, guy. I love that. How long did that take you to write that? A couple of weeks. How many hours a day?

It's nosy. Well, you don't need to know. That's poetry. You're not supposed to know. You're not supposed to look behind the art. Can I see the poem again? Sure. You're not supposed to look, see behind art.

Tell me what to do. Well, art is just supposed to happen. You're not supposed to. Well, then fucking make it happen. Give me the goddamn fucking thing. You're not supposed to look behind the curtain. That's not a curtain. Of art.

That's not a curtain. Well. Have you read that book? That's not a curtain. No, who wrote it? Lump crab meat, pinch, punch, ouch. Crab claws, pinch my tits on bum. Ochy, arch.

Lumpy, bumpy, lump crab. Stuff your face through a drywall. Everything is so violent with you. Well, seafood gets you pumped up. Like crab meat gets your, it's like a, you know, get your testosterone's gone. I don't think it's plural. What?

Testosterone. Testosterone. Testosterone. Testosterone. Testosterone. I mean, if I have time, I will. Hey, folks, Harland Williams here with our new sponsor, the Boring Mattress Co. Are you tired of trying to buy a mattress?

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to be boring, be boring with the boring mattress co. Okay, sweet dreams and now back to the show. Have you ever been in a car crash for realsies? Yeah? Not a bad one, though. Well, tell me. Tell me about the details and I'll fill in. I've been in a few fender benders. No way.

You were driving a guitar? I was T-Bone once. No way, you were driving a meat wagon? Yeah, your wife. Whoa, guy? Freak. What do you mean? You were T-bone.

Talk to me, guy. I was put on a... No, I just said that because I know that's one of the kind of car crashes there. Oh, well, tell me about the fender. A fender bender. A fender bender. Yeah. I've,

I caused a. What? Go for it. I caused a couple accidents. The first one, when the first week I had a car, I hit a guy in the back, and it made his car go to the right and up into a driveway.

No way. Yeah. Was it his own driveway? No, it's for this apartment complex. Oh, my God. Mm-hmm. So you. I don't have any funny car crash stories, okay?

Well, that's funny to me that a guy's, like, driving down the road, and suddenly he's going in a driveway, and it's not his. Did you hurt him? I mean, I think deep down inside, probably. Oh, emotionally, you scarred him. Yeah, I wouldn't wash his car afterwards. Oh, no, guy. Sir.

What was you? Sir, could you please take your hands? off of my coffee machine freak I don't you take a muffin top and put it on a fucking muffin bottom and call it a fucking day dude

you gotta dial it down whoa dial it down nacho so wait you hit a fucking guy and he goes up into his drive into a driveway Yeah. And what kind of car was it?

I got to know. It was a, I don't know, I don't know what it was. My car was, oh, my car was like a Toyota of some sort, I don't know, Seleka, Toyota Selk, an old one. Oh, wow. And were you a hurt guy?

Yeah, deep down inside. I know, but physically were you hurt? I mean, when car accidents happens, what happens is people's, bodies, they're very rubbery, okay? Humans are very gelatinous. And when you have a high speed impact, the human body kind of bobbles around like blubber in the night,

like blowing in the night. Well, what did you, have you been in any car accidents? Yeah. Tell me about one of them. I hit, have you ever seen these red cross, like blood bank trucks that drive around and they give blood? I hit one of those. By the way, they don't give blood.

I tried to pull one of those. I pulled next to one on the freeway. What happened? I asked for some blood and, you know, I heard you guys give blood. Oh, yeah, they take blood. Take blood. Sorry. But I hit one of those.

I hit like a red cross truck. And it was horrible. There was blood everywhere. Wow. It was bloody? Yeah, there was blood everywhere. Wow. Yeah.

And then I hit a milk truck once. Oh. And holy shit. They don't have those They did In my story they did And I hit a milk truck Right by a wheat field

And And snap, crackle and pop The town had to evacuate That's a big bowl Yeah Now what's up with it What? That town

Well, that town It went into receivership Have you ever been in receivership? Is that a car? What is it? It's like when the economy of a town shuts down. It's almost like, what's Chapter 11 called?

Bankruptcy. Bankruptcy. So when the town shuts down, it goes into receivership. It's almost like a bankruptcy happens. And the whole economy fails. And the people, slowly the buildings get boarded up and people have to move on. And it becomes a ghost town, really. You ever been to a ghost town, my guy?

No. Oh, God, they're really fun. All you hear all night is boo. Boo, boo. Like ghost. What are you doing your comedy act in front of them? Whoa, Tinder treats. Take a hug, buddy.

Yeah, so I hit a blood truck. I hit a milk truck. And then... This is one day? No, no. This is over the course of 10 years. If you are anyone you know has any information in a missing truck. Whoa.

Maybe you could help. solve a mystery. Whoa. Boop, boop. Whoa. Where's that you don't have to queued up? Do you have any sounds for today? If you are anyone you know has any information, call 1-800-wanted.

A blood truck was hit on Highway 507. A truck on an open highway. No one ever saw what happened until the ghost returned. at Ross, Dressfellas. Oh, have you shopped there? Of course. Oh, my God. I went in there the other day and I said, how much is this old garbage bag?

And it was only a 49 cents. It was just unbelievable. You bought it, bought a bag there? A garbage bag, yeah. Like, they had some clothes up, but they also had the garbage bag there. Just a single garbage bag? I just pulled it out and I put it, put some holes in it. How much for this?

Because I really wanted to do it. dress for less, you know. Wow. Yeah. What happened? I walked down the street and I got rolled by some homeless people. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Who? Which ones? Sorry, I didn't mean that. Which ones? Lemon and Billy. And they were, what block was this? They were at Lassian.

You're fucking making this up. Lassian and Melrose, guy. Yeah. I don't believe you. It's true. Well, make it true. Have you ever. shoplifted at Ross dressed for less?

No. They actually pay you to steal. To take things? Really? Yeah. That's a great gig. Oh, I gotta read from this my diary. These are my secret treats I like to put it or my pillow before I got to bed.

Oh, dude, these are questions I have. Do you, have you ever climbed up in a squirrel's nest and curled up with squirrels in a tree? Obviously, yes. God, is it soft why would you why don't you just do it for yourself what get up there and i have i've snuggled in with squirrels where in a tree which one in north dakota right on the head of

right on mount rushmore right on abe lincoln's head some say it's a hair plug but to me it's just a a Dutch pine. Wow. Wow. Did you get teased as a kid ever? A little bit. No way. Talk to me, guys.

This is where I, this is where the show gets deep. Like the stuff we've done so far has been sort of surfacy. Sixth grade was hard. Talk to me. What happened? Well, it was hard, you know,

as I got my bike stolen from school. Oh. The red line. What do you mean? It's a red line. That's the brand. Yeah, it was, I bought it on the freeway where the ambulance was, I don't blood all over there. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Blood everywhere. I got it there. What? Yeah, you were there. You don't remember. Someone stole your bike? Yeah.

Oh, damn. Did you cry? Yeah. How old were you, guy? 27. Freak. You were sure. Could you please put trouble?

You were 27 when you got your bikes. You must have other questions. Yeah, sorry, I do. I apologize. Let's see. Have you ever bounced a silver dollar off your ass flap to see how tight they are? That's not a good one. Have you ever?

You already did it. You should know whether it's a good one or not and then don't read it. Yeah. Oh, when you sleep, are you a mouth breather? Like, do you sleep with your mouth open? Yeah. No way, talk to me. About what?

Like how you sleep? No, I need to know. But what? Like, what do you look like when you're asleep? When you're laying in your Archie and Jughead sheets? Do you have C3PO sheets or R2D? What are your sheets like? Purple sheets.

Purple sheets. Purple sheets. Woo! Wait, seriously, what kind of sheets do you have? Satin, bamboo, cotton. I don't know. What do you?

I have purple sheaves. They're purple. For reals? For real? What? Why? I got all sorts of drinks over there. I got fucking anything you want.

If you want to fucking sell it up or you got a fucking blueberry fucking lime juice or a fucking cold. You have a fucking other call. You have as money as you want. Dude. You got to dial it down. Oh, notcha. Whoa. You haven't done one wife? You haven't done one your wife?

I haven't? No one. Oh, shoot. Yeah, I did. Did I do one in the poem? In the... Oh, it's in the poem? Wasn't it in the poem?

Let me check. It almost doesn't count if you have it written down. Wait. Hang on. This is a smell like sending me. You made me smell that dirty. Yeah, what did it smell like to you? It smelled like a horse, like a saddle.

something. Hang on. Lump crab lump. Lumpy, smash your face through the Burger King window. Oh yeah, here it is. Yum, yum, crab, but the last line. Yum, yum, crab boy. Snap your crooked legs. Snip your wife's forehead and suck a bag of grass seed at the back of a Home Depot. Right? That's great. Isn't poetry, Wonderful. Now, you're sitting in front of the fire with nice socks on when you're writing that. I have a pipe and I have a golden retriever at my feet and a bear skin rug, like a polar bear. How do you know it's a bear?

How do you know it's a polar bag? How do you know it's real polar bear? I can tell because it's got saliva all over it. Like it's got polar saliva. Really? Yeah. That's cool. I also wrote a song for you if you want that.

Are you going to sing it? Yeah. You got the music? Yeah. Let's do it. Okay. It's called the Toot Toot song. Okay.

Can you give me a note? A. Here we go. Toot-toot. Toot-toot. Toot-toot. Toot-to-to-toot. Toot, Toot.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop. What? It's a song, guy. It's terrible. What the hell I wrote that for you? It's the worst thing I've ever heard. The Toot Toot song. Yeah, and then you're blowing your spit everywhere. Can you let me at least get to the second verse before you judge?

All right, all right. Toot-toot. Toot. And that's the end. What do you think? You liked it? Yeah, yeah. Do you want me to do it again?

No. Well. That's beautiful. Thanks. I know I'm talking about the case. Oh. Harmonica. Isn't it fun, though, when you come in to a podcast and you get,

I don't know if you like the word stimulus or stimuli. You come in and you get art just washed over you. You get poetry. You get music. I mean, bro, come on. It's just a fucking, it's like you're at Lilith Fair. It's a fucking, it's just fucking running a hundred million miles an hour through a plate glass window.

And if you have to fucking go and break off the molding, then your fucking wife might take a bus to. Wuscovina. Oh, dude. Thank me now or thank me later. Oh, Holland. Oh, no. I look at your goatee and it's like an island onto its own.

Your teeth and your lips are coral reef. Sadly, the world. doesn't have long and neither do i oh dude i'm 157 years old what's your favorite animal sir richard wife i was talking to richard attenborough i'm just telling you that's my aunt my wife yes she's cool she's cool dude are you doing a little boy voice sir are you doing a little boy voice Dude, what's one of the most exotic animals, Richard Attenblurl scene? It's David Attenborough.

Okay. One time I saw a chestnut. A chestnut. It's a monkey, but it's not a normal monkey. It's a different kind of monkey. It's a monkey with five hands. Dude. you gotta dial it down bro dial it down nacho you are i'm gonna go change the fucking air conditioner

and then i'm just gonna fucking stand there as you fucking keep going as you're treading water i'm gonna fucking put the stick out to you but i'm not gonna let you grab up frank sorry what you don't like music now that's you do that flinch it's your one of your moves you go what you go like this you go how's it how do you do it like like this i don't know i don't know if that's good for your shoulder blades though my scapulas i don't know about your scalpelas but your shoulder blades well aren't shoulder blade scapulas i mean you got to ask them okay are you guys I got about five more minutes in me. Okay.

Hang on. Hey everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons.

of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies.

We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbleng.com. Get your Harland original design. wearable art at harbling.com today and thank you for your support and I'll just keep the the groovy images coming. I got a new phone.

Sir! Do you want to see my new phone? Where is it? Hold on. They got the brand new. Did you mount that? Yeah. Well, this is the case.

It's the new. Perania 400. Wow. Yeah. It's kind of sleek. And then it goes back to this after a phone call. Yeah. Which I prefer rather than that because that looks lazy and you kind of feel for the fish.

Well, you know what else it has on it? It has 1940s mode. If you press this right here and you call someone, hang on. Hello, butterscotch. Yeah, it's me. Yeah, pick up the show. sweetheart pick them up and be ready when I get home that's right we're going to the Biltmore well the Biltmore is closed David oh well then it looks like we'll

head over to Tuskees pool hall and have a few games before dinner and then have some cocktails late tonight yes yes your sister will be there yes were you supposed to be answering? You did a voice and then you just trailed off. Oh, well, I don't know. I thought you were actually on the phone. I am on the piranha. Yeah, I know. I don't want to bother you. But you were doing a thing and then all of a sudden there was no one. Yeah, but I didn't even know you were listening because I think you were on the phone. I'm listening, sweetheart. All right. That's great. Okay. Well, darling, this is going to be hard for you to understand. Yes. I just got my nails worked on and they are crooked. So I'm going to have to go back tomorrow morning. What are you doing tomorrow morning?

Wait a minute, your nails. Are they French tip or frosted tip, darling? No, that depends where you live and what your passions are, darling. Well, four of them are red and two of them are green and, well, the rest of yellow. Wow, butterscotch. Sounds like a real rainbow gun on over there where you are. I'll see it at 7 o'clock. We're going to Skunkie's beer parlor.

Be ready, be ready, and be fat. Okay, bye. Click, and then you're... The new piranha. It's the new piranha 400. And you painted it yellow? No, that's the color it comes. Is that the color of the fish?

Yeah. The phone. It's not a fish. It's a phone. It looks like a fish, but it's a piranha phone. Oh, I know you mean. Oh, right. Right.

It's not a real fish. No, it's a phone. But that's the catch. They shape it like a piranha. That's what you ever seen a car like a Mustang? Yeah. Does it look anything like a Mustang? right right right you ever seen a lotus does it look anything like a look like a lotus right right so finally

somebody's made a consumer product my guy that looks like what the name is first off i'm not your guy second off well it's a piranha phone right so and it looks like a peranya it's it looks like a phone it's it looks like a phone but it's not a phone it's a piranha phone right but they finally you know everything's in the details. Have you ever heard that saying? No. Everything's in the details. And finally somebody whipped up a phone called the Parania 400 and it actually looks like a parania. And I got to give a tip of the hat to the ingenuity

of the piranha folk, phone people. I mean, they're on top of it. I mean, there's been other fish phones before and they've all failed for reasons, you know. What were the reasons? Well, one was, I remember the minnophone was just too small. It was too small. Yeah, you could, you'd lose it all the time. They could hear you.

Right. Or they could, uh, you could, they could hear you or you could hear them. But you couldn't do it at the same time. Right. Right. Dude, I'm just trying to answer. And then you got to make fun of me. Dude, I'm just trying to answer.

Hello, Cupcake. Yeah, he's just trying to answer. apparently. Okay, skinny dips. Yeah. Uh-huh. Stinky's pool hall, huh? All right. Right after that, we'll head to Bill's malt shop and get a strawberry freezy for you. Yeah, that's right. Dip your face in a ceiling fan, scumbucket. Later. And that's because of you, I had to make an extra call. Wow. Um, but no, what's a- You can't text on it, right? No, you can't text. what's another product consumer product that has a name where the name doesn't match the product visually like I said Mustang um the Yukon the Yukon is a SUV it looks nothing like the province of

the of Yukon up in Canada yeah the Yukon's a province just south of Alaska I know you know that right uh it looks nothing like like you con it does now i was just there say what now say which now say what hey hey what now i don't remember i can't get all that out you were in you were in the you're in the yukon i was there about well about four days ago talk to me guy what were you doing there i was out there trying to find fudge like a fudge center like i heard there was i was looking for like i just want to get trained you know to work with fudge yeah no way is that like an emerging field fudge um yes and no what do you want to do with fudge well eat it but you can't just go and work there and eat

your work yeah are you trying to ask me what i want to do with fudge which i would say eat it but you could say my fudge training do you want to pack it i don't know i don't know you that well it sounds you got to take me out first hello butterscotch it looks like we got a ripe one here that's right stinkies pool haul in half an hour bring the werewolf cream It's going to get smelly. Goodbye, sweetheart. Dump your face and window wash. Let me talk to him real quick.

Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Penny, it's Jamie. Hi, how are you? Wow. Great. Listen, I got a certain Bill Meadows coming for a second-a-cock show. No, that'll be fine.

I'll take a bun cake. Sure. Okay, great. Thanks. All right, swell. Dude, you really liking the Parania 400. Yeah, it's cool. Like, you're really warming up to it.

Like, that call you just did with the 40s mode. Well, I'm used to it now. Yeah. So I know, and also I know the angles to it. So I know not, you got to keep the teeth a little higher than your ear or you'll, you know, cut yourself. Yeah. Which I don't know why they made the teeth so sharp for the phone. It's like, I think it would be like a sort of a risk legally, you know.

Remember what I said earlier, the demons in the. details, and these, you know, piranhas are a ferocious hunter. They scour the Amazon River. They schools of them can reduce a full buffalo of 700-pound buffalo down to bone in a matter of minutes. And so these are details, my guy. Well, I mean, it's a pleasure. it's it's um like i said i'm taking a back by the detail yeah and the craftsmanship yeah and i also

enjoy the stand which i don't think is completely necessary now that i think about it but it's kind of cool because you can kind of that's the holder yeah oh you okay it's under warranty don't worry okay um but what's another consumer product my guy where the name doesn't really line up with the product like we have the Yukon we have the Saturn which doesn't look anything like outer space doesn't look like a distant planet yeah um so why name it that I don't have these answers but you can Google these things you know well do you have any consumer products that you could offer up let's say throw me a company and I'll tell you whether it is or it isn't.

Okay, the Chevrolet, car company. Chevrolet. I don't know what a Chevrolet is. It's a car company. How about the probe? Does the probe look like a probe? You know what said you know about Fudge. The probe looked like a probe.

What? You said you were interested in Fudge. Oh, Fudge! As big and bountiful, chocolate bliss. Mixed with Carmel. It is a sinful treat. Oh, you're making it. I'm making my pant drool.

Wow. What? I love fudge so much. Whoa. The way you talk about it. Whoa. What are you doing with the Parania 400 guy? I was just feeling the teeth because they're sharp. But there's got to be another consumer product.

What is it? I mean, we got the Mustang. But none of them makes sense. What's a Netflix? And there's no such thing as a Netflix, is there? Yeah. Not like it's a type of horse. But is it a type of thing you'd see like someone on the Amazon River doing with a net to fish?

It's a net flick, right? They sort of flick their wrist. It's a throw net, which is very common for the indigenous peoples of the Amazon to have a throw net to throw out over the water. The fish. It sinks down. It's got lead weights on the edge. It captures the fish. And so that could technically be considered a net flicks.

You got a Honga, Hongalawala, Wala, Netflix. You got a song, I think, there. Hugana Wala, Wala, Oonawala, Wala. That's that it? That's probably enough of that. Will you keep going? Well, it's your song. Don't look at me.

takeover because I was I think I might have been overshadowing we're shattering your never did never my guy remember what I said earlier about art like I did the poetry I did a song art just flows like you can't it has no shut off valve like art just emanates it just you never know when it's going to pop up like watch this hello Spanish cupcake yeah catch the four o'clock to Cincinnati four o'clock to Cincinnati I can't get there that quick Well, you better put your red shoes on on your white dress and make sure you're standing there on the platform when the steam clears away.

I just loaned out my red shoes. Well, you better find them quickly because we're going dancing tonight, Buttercotch, Ripple. That's a copy over-out. See, and that was art, what just happened there. Well, we didn't have, we had fun, but we had art. We had it all, some might say. We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.

but the wine and the song, now the seasons are all gone. Okay. And that's R2. Maybe it's someone else's... It's R2D2. Beep-be-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo. Oh, Jedi Knight,

I could have easily been in Star Wars. Raiders of the Lost Ark are any of those, you know, tap movies. Oh, God. at and blub-blower? David. Oh, his name's David. Holland Williams.

Whoa, dude, if you got a... It sounds like you have leprosy in your throat. Sir. Hello, sweetheart. Yeah. Get me the leprosy clinic on line five.

I just got you line five. Next time I'm going to disconnect you. Well, you better get on it because it sounds like Hershey's got throat problems. He might even have a tumor on his lorax. He is allergic to all of trees. He was at his cousin's house.

He's fine. Well, if I wanted attitude, concerning olives, I would have called Italy. So let's cut back the rhetoric, sweet pea, and get me to Sunshine County, hey? We'll do. Hello? Yeah. Are you still there?

Yeah. Well, don't play ghost with me, sister. I'll put you in a haunted. Listen here, Sully. I got to keep this line open for all these different people that like to call and ask me questions. Hey, you're not talking on the pork chop 300, are you? Yeah. Well, why ain't you got it up to your head?

Yeah. Looks like it's just sitting in your hand. Shouldn't it be on your ear, like a real phone? If I have to see you ever again, I'm going to tell Barbara Walters all about this. Sink a swim, sweetheart. Sweetheart, my sweet petonia, you garlic bread sniffing, all of God and hoar.

You get your red shoes on and dance down to Stinky's place. Well, if you're going to laugh, maybe this isn't the... Dude, see, that's art. Well, I mean... People watch. Watching her, they're going, wow, what we didn't, you know, we wanted a podcast, we maybe some table talks, some, some topics. And we, for us to give them art, like free carte blanche. Yeah.

What we just did is pretty big deal, guy. Yeah. It makes me think of Louis Anderson, not to bring it down. No way. No, no, that brings us. I think it's, how, how do you mean? You guys ready to play the feud? Hello, Louie.

Yeah. Where are you right? now. I'm in heaven. Well, I'd like to play the feud if you don't mind, sweetheart. Oh, God, that would be fun. All right, how do we play, Cupcake? I don't know how we play. You're the one who called me. Well, I'm calling you because I want to play, but you don't want to play? I don't know who Colin Hugh is. Calling you? I don't know Colin. Oh. Sounds like you have a nasal congestion.

Sounds like you have the wrong number. Eat my pussy? Show me water. top five answers on the board we surveyed the hundred i would i liked louis when he would just talk like top five answer the first five are fun when he was just off camera yeah he would just go how are you things are going well i don't know who fucking cares we'll have a fun time were you buddies whatever you want were you i opened for him once yeah i hung out with him a few times and then i i knew him a little bit yeah did you see him when he broke onto the scene back in like the 70s yeah he was so funny he was one of the first guys he i don't know what the the aura the vibe

that he created but it just he made you feel like you were there with his family like he'd set up an environment if he was talking about a picnic or driving in the car with his mom and dad and the brothers like somehow he made you feel like you were right in there man he was magical with that not a lot of comics can pull that off well he's down to earth He talks like this. Yeah. He gives you sweetness. He gives you Minnesota because he's from Minnesota.

Was he really? He's from Minnesota. Duluth? Yeah. No, your tooth. There's something in your tooth. You said, that's funny. That's very funny.

I knew Louis too. What a sweetheart. Great guy. Yeah. Are you having fun fondling that meat? I mean, no, you can fondle it. It's just a, you know, it's just a great thing. You didn't answer my question.

Oh, you did answer my question. I forgot the answer. Did you go seek out getting this or did you come across it and buy? I seeked out it. I wanted it. I like to have rubberized meat around me at all times. Why? That just makes me feel good, makes me feel superior,

makes me feel like I'm on some kind of diet plan that can never happen. And if you don't have the fake meat, then what do you do? Well, if you're going to do that voice, then I'll answer you with that voice. and sugar cookies. I eat the meat I want to eat. If I want walrus meat, I'll go to Antarctica and get some walrus. If I want some penguin meat, I'll go down to the other end of the planet. So don't you tell me what to do, crumple cakes? I'm just trying to give you a few ideas for the holidays. Well, I don't have time to use up all my minutes on my new piranha 400. So why don't you back off, back down, hit it sideways, go around in a circle, and end up

in a triangle, crumple dimps? Can you say that again? I'm writing it down. I'm running out of minute, fuck off. And I'm running out of patience. I didn't even know you were a doctor. Well, now you know. Fuck off. I mean goodbye. Sorry, I didn't mean to say fuck off.

Fuck. This is what happens. Just do it again. When you, sounds like you're running out of patient. Patience. I didn't even know you were a doctor. I didn't know I was a doctor either.

Okay, fuck up. Goodbye. Shit. Can I try it one more time? No, you can't. But I said the F ball. You can't try it again. You've failed.

Give me one more two. You have failed. All right. I'm trying. Ring, ring, ring. Hello, pimple tits. Yeah, it's pimple tits. What about it?

I hear you running out of something. What is it? I'm running out of patience. Patience. I didn't even know you were a doctor. Well, now you know. Well, why don't you eff yourself sideways to Thursday with a Chinese dildo bent over a fucking stapling machine at a... Yeah, I think I lost it.

That was good. Somehow I can't say goodbye. to you. Is that a song? Somehow I can't say goodbye to you. I think it is now. Dude, there's art is just blowing out of me now. Like it's, we're going to explode.

It's like an arch-gasm here right now. Dude, dude, watch your swerve. Watch your drip. What? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you cereal? Sir?

Sir. Sir. Sir lip a lot. Whoa. Whoa. Dementoid. Fucking. Dude, I'm telling you, man.

Sour siltch. Whoa. Whoa. Freak. Dude. Sir. Just art. So.

Let me tell you another thing. Oh, wait. Are you back? Bring, ring, ring. Hello. Who is this? You know who it is. Is this you, pineapple?

It's pineapple tits? It's pineapple tits. Now, what are you going to do about it? Well, I heard you ran away to Hawaii without me, and I'm not really happy about it because I used to sit there at the bayou and eat turtle soup with you, and now I'm not going to be there,

so I want to know who you're sitting with. Well, there are more important things than turtle soup to worry about. Oh, is that right? Well, why don't you go pearl diving and get me a nice white one and FedEx it to me, shit pants? We'll do.

Oh, did you hang up? Oh, well, since you can't hear me, fuck off! Because you couldn't hear me. You've got to be more careful. You have the warranty, but like if you fuck it up too many times and I don't give you the warranty again. The Piranha 400's under full warranty, dude.

You're a freak. But see, what I did there is you hung up so I can say F off without you having to, like, do you want to have a moment of silence? I feel like I'd fucking rather just leave. You would? Fuck, I want to leave since the fucking moment I got here. Really?

Yes, this is awful. Really? This is terrible I could like do a leave song That's what makes it so bad This fucking harmonica He wanted to leave He wanted to leave

He wanted to leave He wanted to leave You know It would be halfway decent If you didn't do the blow in the tongue and blowing out and fucking make a fart noise. I know, but, dude, art doesn't know any boundaries. Yeah, but art's not going to find out about it.

Hello, cable nine, get me art. Hello? Yeah, I heard you the first time. Art, is this you? Yeah, it's Ard. What about it? I got a character down here at the casino that says he doesn't know about you,

but I think he does because he's wearing your ring. What's going on? I have a low disposition for people who act like that, especially yourselves. Tell him to fuck himself and yourself, too. Well, I think maybe it's trying to bring car mine out of retirement and bring out the big guns. You know what I'm saying? Now you say guns.

What kind of guns are we talking about? How big? A 45x caliber, a 95 Glock, a 225 pump iron action, a 12 gauge, and a 952-703 blackeneddecker sawed off Singapore. Throw in a semi-automatic 16 revolver and you have yourself a deal. I'll see you in half an hour down at the train station right behind the bowling alley, you big, fat, fucked up Chinese fucking egg roll. You just blow it up at the end. Dude, it's art.

When art, art does what it wants. Art, art's a great guy. I know, but. I love art. I know, but when arts, okay, so this is sort of playing into, we are talking about brand names, art doesn't really have a physical manifestation. And it sounds like you're sort of giving it one,

by giving it art a name as in the name art. I see what you're doing. This has got to be over soon. Well, we're in. We've only got about, let's see, let me play the theme music. And once the theme music plays, there's only about 40 minutes to go. Ladies and gentlemen,

Jeff Richards here on the Hall of Highway podcast. and are you ready for words from a wooden shoe, my guy? I couldn't be more ready for this. Words from a wooden shoe. You reach in, pull out a word, and tell us if it relates to your journey, a story from your life, someone you met along the way.

What am I doing with this? So you read the word and then see if it triggers a memory or a story. And then you tell us about it. You tell all my watchers. Why do you, you know, it's like a, sort of like a kid show type element. Tree. Oh, here we go.

Wow, here we go, guy. Tree. Well, I remember the first thing comes in mind is I took a picture of a tree with the sun, you know, from behind the tree. Yeah. And we're supposed to take a photo for class, and I took one from behind a tree. It was the easiest thing you do. and um how's that how did that go was that this is a fun game it's pretty cool well wait why did you take a picture of a tree because it was for art uh photography class you said art

oh hello art yeah sorry about the miss up yeah it sounds like you're at a school somewhere in the middle of the country where are you what you're doing and what's the class you're studying i got to unload 500 cigars by tomorrow afternoon or i lose my job. Wait a minute. You're unloading cigars at a school? Have you ever thought about the kids and the future of this country, your big lunk? Most of them riding cars with adults who smoke on cigars. Well, you're the reason this whole country's in a tailspin. Now, you get down to the deli, get yourself a corn beef, rub it all over your face, and feed yourself to the walrus down at the local New York Zoo. Well, that's usually when you... Oh. You just hung up on me.

Oh, well, I, that's where I cut it. I'm the director. Okay, so, okay. So that's where I would cut it. Can you roll it again just for three seconds? No, no, I can't do anything. Just three seconds. I'm the director.

My hands are tied. I have one more line. Okay. Can you say action? Action. Fuck off. And I doubt that's how I say goodbye to you. Great.

It was? It was? Oh. Sir! Do you have a casting couch? Whoa, dude. Well, you'd take me to dinner first. I'd like to fucking.

spread it out and get more parts. I mean, you're the guy that fucking works down at the Fudge factory. Hey, the words in a shoe are really great. Yeah, the tree thing. So why did you take a picture of a tree? Because it was photography class. And they said, take a picture of nature. And you're there with your son?

And I'm just like, well, what else? All the other things you'd have to know, like, how to adjust, you know, the lens and stuff and do the lighting. but when you take a picture from behind a tree of a sunset, it's the easy thing to shoot. But isn't the tree in the way of the sunset? No, because you got the sun behind it. And it just has that glowing orange.

Oh, okay. Interesting. Not sure I get it, but... I'm not sure I get this show. I mean, I thought we were going to be done a long time ago. Well, we have one more thing, and it's the famous show, the game show that you love the most. Everyone loves it.

It's a game show we called Are You Serial? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember this. How it works is you can't lose. That's what's great about it. And what happens is you get a question and then you answer it and then we go from there. You ready to play? What?

Are you serial? Wait, give me the rundown one more time. So you never, you can't lose. We give you a question, you answer it and then you automatically win because the guy says, Are You cereal? Okay. Let's do it. And by the way, this is the Christmas edition,

even though it's not Christmas. Because look, Christmas crunch. Kind of the same. Maybe it is Christmas. Maybe it's the same noise your underpants make when you sit on the... Hang on. Dude. Spazzo.

out freak so first we do this there's a lot of Christmas crunch in there guy I love it I haven't seen that much Christmas crunch this see that I see was it open before you did this did you have a bowl already no we don't do that here at our use cereal and so all the cereal goes into the making of the cereal yeah all of that Okay, so here we are. We're going to play, Are You Serial? Yeah. And how it works, this is the Christmas edition with Captain Christmas Crunch.

And so here's, are you ready for your question? Sure. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart the very next day I, what? Went on a shopping trip. free or no that's a Christmas song last Christmas

I gave you my heart the very next day you gave it you gave it away are you serious dude freak are you

are you cereal wow hold it Hold it. Hold it right there. Wow, that's a great configuration. Would you call me? I love it.

Gold. Are you cereal right now? I think that's something you should ask yourself. I think I am. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day you gave it. away this year to save me from tears i'll give it to someone special jesus lady and gentlemen you've been on the holly howaway podcast

give me the uh can we do one more thing yeah well hold on give me the uh yeah you go ahead and finish no go what i love this this is art there's more art flowing out of you okay give me the the unsolved mysteries yeah ready hold on see folks this is what we're about to end it I told you the arts exploding out of both of us and here oh wait that's not it hold on ready the mystery of the captain crunch on the face he had four different captain crunches on his face He twitched and he moaned. The people were never seen or heard from again. If you or anyone you know has any information.

Call 1-800-wanted. 1-800-captain-crant. You said to call 1-800-what? Call 1-800-wanted. 1-800-wanted? 1-800-wanted? Hello, Spac-L. Yeah, what about it?

I hear there's a serial killer on the Lowe's. Oh, in this area? Yeah, he sounds like a Christmas killer. Apparently he's got Captain Crunch all over his face. Sounds like your ex-wife. Well, maybe you should meet your ex-wife down behind the bowling alley because I hear she's got bowling shoes on her tits. That could be more than arranged.

Well, maybe I'll get a gutter ball and take you to your priest's house for some caramel corn. Caramel corn. What brand? Your wife. Whoa. We got two watching. wife's in there wow freak if you or anyone you know has seen your wife call 1,900 want to if you or anyone you know has cereal on their face and smells like

Captain Crunch's diaper please call 1-800 your wife your turn if you are anyone you has your wife Call 100, but a dot Right Wow, what an out This has been just great You know what I'm most excited about

Leaving? Yeah, that it's over Yeah It's just great We're gonna miss you though I gotta be honest No, no no I'm gonna miss you too

Don't get me wrong You're probably gonna miss me as much as possible It's like you know If you've had a rubber band around your leg And you just leave it for a while I don't use rubbers If you are anyone you know Has any information

Case of the Rubbers That's good enough Well you didn't give the number out Call 1-800 wanted If you are anyone you know As the case of the rubbers Call One-900-wought-up

You like it when I run through it It's kind of like when you do a when a singer sing a song a bunch of times he just kind of gives us some weird spin on the phrasing I really like the whole thing you're saying about leaving and getting out of here because I've been trying to wrap this up since the beginning I'm just talking to you I know but I was I've been trying to wrap this up from almost the first minute honestly I wanted to wrap it up sooner than that and let me also say this yeah I thought we were done I thought we were done that's why I was talking to you I thought we were done I thought we were too but then all of us sudden, if you or anyone you know has any information on how to end this show, please call. If you or anyone you know has any information on how to stop this podcast, please call. 1-900 wanted. Piranha 400.

The Piranha phone. It's so good and sleek and easy for summer. I love the piranha phone. on your phone freaks freaks of nature freaks of the unknown if you

anyone you know hello yes boss yeah end the show now yes boss yes boss you have one

you have one captain crunch on your face I do that's what she said Whoa. Buddy, before we go, let the folks know about your incredible podcast on YouTube. Tell them about it. No, just do a podcast. It's a fun podcast. The Dale Richard show.

What is it? It's a Jeff Richard show. It's a deep fake podcast. Oh. And you can see it on the Jeff Richard show on YouTube and on Spotify and stuff like that. So good. Yeah, just do impressions and have good guests. Had you on a bunch of times.

Alec Baldwin, Bill Burr, lots of good people. It's really fun. That's the best. This guy's one of the best impressionators in the whole world. Sweet. Is that the right word? Yeah. Impressionator?

Yeah, that's it. Okay. Far. Folks, catch them where you can. Thanks for being here today. And we got to wrap it up. I got calls to make. I got places to go.

I got cereals to eat. Uh, my thanks to Jeff Richards. Check out his show on YouTube, folks. Unbelievable. And until next time, chicken chameh, baby. Do you want to take a call before we go? Yeah.

Now, I talked to him already before. Usually I don't need to make a conversation with the piranha phone. Yeah, but I'm using it now. I'm actually also talking to a microphone. I'm going to have to call you back later. Okay, bye-bye. And now you said you wanted to leave. Yeah, I'm going to leave.

Yeah, go, go. Take the headphones off. Okay. video message from me yours truly it's your birthday it's your anniversary at your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh you get to pick the topic you want me to discuss give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to cameo.com and I record a custom video made just for you or your

loved one. Your very own personalized Harland Well As you know everybody Not too long ago The violence In the United States of America Continues

There was an assassination attempt made On Former President Donald Jay Trump And wow My oh my Just the guns The trend of violence

the government take down, the whatever you want to call it. And I'm not really qualified to know the logistics of it all. We all watched it. We all saw it unfold on live TV. But behind all of it, there's a strategy, there's planning, there's this, there's that. This is the realm I'm not familiar with, so I thought we'd bring in a man who really knows this world. He knows the world of secret operatives. He knows the world of guns, of military tactics, of shooting, of planning, an ambush, all this stuff.

And let's get him on the line, major corporal, lieutenant, standing officer, quarters, major sergeant-at-arms-armes, Tom Dowdy. Sir, are you available there? Are you there, sir? Hello. Sir, to Tom, Major Colonel Tom Dowdy? That is confirmed, and this is... This is Harlem Williams, sir, calling you. Please say again. Harland Williams, sir.

Pause for a moment, let me verify. Sir? Hello, Colonel Dowdy? I'm still verifying. Please, uh, standard attention. Um, okay. Uh, Major Tom Dowdy. You have been cleared to the end. Go ahead. You are a go.

Uh, pardon me, sir? You are a go. So please proceed accordingly. Yes, sir. We wanted to pick your brain about this horrible assassination attempt. Just a shocking turn of events for the whole country. I think regardless of which side of the political spectrum you lean towards, just to see an American citizen, a former president being shot at and in open country.

Yeah. Well, it's nothing new. It's nothing I'm not familiar with. Back in the Vietnam War, in the Vin-Vin-Vew Basin. I was assigned with my co-op group to assassinate one of the Vietnamese leaders, and we went out in the middle of the night. We crawled through rice fields. We crawled through jungles.

And I don't know if you've ever had a Japanese mongo lizard crawl up your leg in the darkness of the... But let me tell you, I'd rather have a dentist pull a tooth out of my left butt cheek. Okay, sir, thank you. But if we could just sort of keep it domestically here with the Donald Trump scenario. Affirmative, civilian, let me break it down for you. This isn't Christmas pudding, and it isn't fudgy Swiss cake. This is real apples and oranges

It's not midnight monster meat And it's not coconut karaoke It's real cut and dry Just like your wife's underwear Sir We have a great divide in this country right now We've got a whole lot of citizens

And someone's driving a rotten potato truck right up the middle, and you know what happens when you drive a rotten potato truck right up the middle of a group of people, civilian? Sir, I'm not sure is the rotten potato truck a military term? Rotten tomato truck, and I mean rotten potato truck. Well, sir, do you mean tomato or potato? Why don't you stick your head in a smoothie blender? And press it for half an hour.

Sir? And suck some rhubarb pie right out of a plastic bag in your mother's underwear drawer. Sir, is this more military, like, code talk or something? What I'm saying is when you drive a rotten potato truck way through a crowd of people, you're going to create a divide. You're going to have one group on the right, and you're going to have one group on the left civilian. Well, sir, that seems practical.

Oh, does it now? And what platoon did you serve in, Uncle Wigley? Sir? Well, sounds like suddenly you're a military strategist. No, sir, you just said there's people on the right and people on the left, and the rotten potato truck goes right up the middle, and then it separates them, and they're on two sides. Did you phone me, or did I phone you?

No, sir, I'm just... Why don't you stand down, civilian? Because the way you're talking right now, I might just push your face into the dirty, dirty mud and have you do 400 push-ups. I'll make you go up and down in that dirt so it feels like you're humping an old lady in the backwoods of a fucking shank shock redemption. What, a what, sir?

That's code from Motel 6, Bakersfield, 557.0, West Oaks Drive, 4th floor, room 97204. 97204, how big is this? Don't ask any more questions, or I will come to your house, and you will be silenced. Your family will be silenced And I will grow mushrooms on your grandmother's grave Pluck them every spring Make a bowl of odd mushroom soup And sprayed diarrhea

Sir Sorry, I swallowed a bug What, sir, if we could just get back You were talking about the rotten potato truck Dividing the nation That's exactly right I'm glad you're listening One of the biggest problems with today's society is people don't listen.

Yes, sir. Walla, wala, wala, wala, wala, wala, wala, wala, lulu. Sir? What did I just say? What do you mean, sir? I just finished telling you that people don't listen. And then I said something. I want you to say it back to me, Sinalian.

Sir, I think what I heard was Walla Walla, Walla Wee Walla Woo Walla Walla Walla Willie Woo Willie Woo You're all around it I'm gonna let this one go by But pay attention

You dirty carpet Snippin Drive through window licking Forest gum fucking freak Sir If we could just stick to What were your observations about the attention?

attempted assassination on President Trump. It's not hard to do. Donald J. Trump was in an open line of fire. There were no obstructions between him and any potential gunman that wanted to climb a birch tree, a pine tree, a pig shed, or a fucking outhouse full of so many logs. You could build a log cabin and have a family living. than there until the corniblets fell out of the roof and killed their firstborn child.

Sir, well, sir. What I'm saying, civilian, is that Donald was open on all sides to sniper fire. I agree with you there, sir. It seemed like he was like just almost a sitting dock. Correct. Now, we have to ask ourselves how, how. How? did the gunman get to the firing spot? Excellent question, sir. Shut your fucking face. Sir?

Shut your fucking face, sailor. Sailor? Let me finish. You're sorry, sir, go ahead. The gunman did something that we implemented all the time when we were in the Meow Miao Basin in Vietnam. Sir? It's called...

Hiding in plain sight. Ah, I've heard of this tactic, sir. It's sort of like a... Shut your goddamn relish jar and let me talk civilian. I'm sorry, sir. Go ahead. Hiding in plain sight is where you use a limited yet effective camouflage to blend into a crowd. Find your target. target, move in inconspicuously, set up, take your shot, and retreat back into the crowd

anonymously. Wow, and I think that... Shut your smelly, outhouse mouth. Sir, I'm just... Shut it. Go ahead, sir. What we had was a juvenile male, an adolescent male. Correct, sir

He was walking around on the grounds He was blending in How did he do it Okay He was covered with zits Pardon me, sir He was covered in so many zits He looked like he was camouflaged

He might as well been in a duck blind In a swamp waiting for a Canadian goose to fly by You can raise your Wesson and Charcer rifle And shoot that whore right out of the with a honk, with a quack, and a daffy duck fucking fun snack. Sir, is this more military? Shut your snot-licking lips. Sir, I don't have snot-licking lips.

If you could just kind of stay on track here. What I'm saying is this was an adolescent boy. He was rebellious. He had no purpose in life. And at night, he would stand over his sister and play with her hair. Sir, has that been verified? Not by anyone I know, but I could tell by looking at this Zit bastard, that's exactly what he did.

And when he finished playing with his sister's hair, oh yeah. He tiptoed on down the hall into Granny's room, and he sniffed her yellow toenails. Sir, if we could just... What I'm saying, Zillion, is this adolescent freak was covered in so many Zits. He blended into all the farm boys and farm girls standing out in that field waiting for the president to talk. Oh, I say, okay. He had so many zits.

He might as well be wearing camouflage, just the kind we wore when we were crawling through the Van Nip cupboard block down in meet, meow, by the Fan Fan River in Vietnam. Is that a real place, sir? Shut your legs. shut your face, wrap your balls around your eyes, and act like a dragonfly. Sir, if we could just... Shut it. I'm telling you, when you're covered in camouflage, not even the fleas on a dead dog's anus can find you.

Wow, so you must be really prolific at sort of hiding in plain sight. And that's exactly what the Zip bastard did. This adolescent boy was so covered in Zip. He fit in perfectly. He looked like he just came from a corn roast where they were eating hot dogs on a Chinese fucking walnut stick. This kid found a ladder.

He shimmied up onto the roof. He laid down, probably seared his meat on the hot tin ceiling, pulled out his weapon, lined Donald J. Trump up through his scope and fired the bullet. Wow, sir, you paint a vivid, vivid picture. I also spread your wife's legs every third week of the month.

And boy, oh boy, is she a howler? Sir? Sorry, that part slipped. Sir, if you could just stay focused on... And then he lined him up, and he pulled the trigger. Oh, my God. There's one thing that saved Donald J. Trump's life. What is that, sir?

12 degrees. 12 degrees? Donald Trump turned his head 12 degrees at the very last second. And that bullet whizzed by his ear faster than a popcorn fart sneaking out of Dolly Parton's asshole at a fucking all you can eat pizza joint that's showing a drive-in movie. Sir, if we... That bullet got so close to Donald Trump's brain that if you put a salamander egg, on the edge of an ostrichag

you'd have a fuck stick omelet. Sir, I don't know what these... Are these military jargons because some of these things you're saying I need you to get a roll of duct tape sit down on a toilet with your face facing the toilet water

and duct tape your ankles to your ears and start shutting the fuck up. Sir, I'm just trying to figure out where we're going with this. I'm trying to tell you, civilian, this sit-faced farm boy blended in so well. He slid up onto that roof like an oily can of diarrhea sauce leaking out of the back of your mother's Prius. He laid down. He looked at his watch.

He waited for Donald Trump to open his mouth, and he pulled that trigger like a fucking sweet and sour spare rib bouncing down the side. Holland Kaepernick's fucking wig. Okay, sir. I think maybe we should wrap this up. And he pulled the trigger. And that bullet just missed. I knew what the takeaway from all this is. Sir?

Never try to shoot a president out in a cowfield. Because what really happened is the scent of manure got into that Zit-Face boy's brain. That's right. you can't help but breathe heavy when you're lining up a president in your scope well that sounds pretty dramatic you take deep breath in a cow pasture and you're inhaling the smell of manure from the giant silver dollar patties that have just plopped out onto the ground and now you have what we call in the military manure brain

manure brain sir you heard me your brain's all Full of manure stink, and you can't shoot straight. And that's what saved President Trump's life. The smell of raw cow manure. Wow, sir. See, this is why we phoned you because you would have the expertise to know how this all worked. You're damn right.

Lesson learned. Keep the zip boys off the roof. And keep the cow paddies. he's on the pasture. Wow, sir. Well, I'm going to let it go there because... I'm glad you are, because I got about 15 minutes to get over your wife's house,

spread her on a picnic table, and teach her how to do it, Forrest Gump style. Sir, what is Forrest Gump style? You pound them until they need leg braces, and then you pound them again until they're half-retarded. Sir, we don't. don't talk like that.

What do you mean my wife? I've got to go. Go to the fucking zoo and suck a walrus's tusks until your fucking gingivitis kicks in, you freak. Sir, that's not very nut. Sir, what the

hell? Wow. Folks, I hope that helped illuminate you a little bit. The Colonel Sergeant Major Dowdy, he has his way of talking but you got to factor in.

I think he's gone. You got to factor in. He sort of talks in military code. They have their own way of speaking. And we'll leave it there. I hope that enlightened you a little. And let's hope this never happens again with any president. Wow.