The Harland Highway - JESSIE JETSKI JOHNSON is back to discuss faiths, and even sing a few popcorn and podcast hymns!

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

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You're watching the Harlan Highway podcast. The plaque is back. Look at this. Holy Sicilian steak sauce on a side of a seaweed monster. Look at this. The plaque is back. We're having a plaque attack because the plaque is back. Plac.

In this wild look, people even stuck stuff. to the back, stickers. So, yeah, so in case you didn't know the way YouTube works, everybody, and I love this, excuse me, is when you get to 100,000 subscribers on your YouTube page, your YouTube channel, they send you a plaque. It's sort of a reward. It's to commemorate it. it's to share in the success.

And I think that's really cool that they do that. So we got a plaque that says Harland Highway podcast presented to the Harlan Highway podcast for passing 100,000 subscribers. And so this is all belongs to you guys. I'll use subscribers, subscribers, subscribers, subscribers, however you want to say it, we got plaque. Baby got plaque. And it was quite an honor to get this.

And it was a lot of gratification in getting this. And I can't thank all of you enough who are watching for subscribing and helping to make this podcast keep climbing and be successful. And if you haven't subscribed, please do it right now. Just, just all, it takes four seconds. You just hit subscribe. It's like sticking your finger in your own belly button. Watch. Boop.

Done. Boop. Whether you got an iny or an outy. You're subscribed. And that way you're, you're aware of the next episode and all this and that. And it helps us attract sponsors so that we can help pay for all the things. that are the Harland Highway podcast because, you know, as you know, this is all done independently. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

What an honor. And if you look, people signed the plaque. They put their signatures. And what happened is I didn't want to just hang the plaque on the wall when it got here. I was like, oh, I got a plaque for 100,000 subscribers. Well, yeah, that's me. But because you guys are the reason I wanted to share this. with you so what we did is we we had a thing where we went online and we said the first like 20

people who write in we will send the plaque to wherever they are in the united states and you get to spend three days with the plaque and do pictures and take videos and just go out on the town go on a date with the plaque forge a relationship with the plaque do whatever you want with the plaque and sign it No! You're talking out of me! No! It's Italian! Ah!

Ah! And so we had the plaque go all over the place. It went from coast to coast. It went to all kinds of different states. It made its way up to Hawaii and back. Hey, Harland is Adam Merritt on my hometown in Hawaii at Sandy Beach. My favorite place to body surf, and I was really tempted to use this as a handboard, but I didn't want to ruin it.

So I thought it's better off that I just show you the most beautiful spots on my side of the island. And I'm extremely grateful you include me on the list, and I hope you have a great 2025. It made it's way up to Alaska and back to Alaska and back. It made its way up to Alaska and back. It was incredible. People sent pictures and videos of them doing things with the plaque, water skiing and boating and going through the jungle and going to trade shows and going to taxidermy places and going on wagons with, you know, the Mennonites.

I mean, just like crazy stuff. And people sent stuff in. They sent seashells. Look at this. We got seashells sent him from people. And someone sent me a beautiful bracelet. These are all people that participated in the sharing of the plaque. Got some incredible, let me put my peepers on here.

I mean, we got people. There's a guy in a spacesuit. Said, Harlem, we had such an awesome time with your plaque. your comedy brings so much joy into our lives and our toddler's life every single day. We're so stoked. You're at 100,000 subscribers. It's about dang time. You'll be at one billion in a couple of weeks, I'm sure. Thank you so much for letting us be a part of this experience. This is definitely in our top three greatest life experiences. Wow. We love you. Haley, Trey, and Little Isla and Ronnie. P.S. Your Platt.

is a pro wakeboarder now. So these guys had the plaque out wakeboarding. And there they are holding the plaque. And look at this. Here's, boy, here's somebody who went mountain climbing. Harland, I came across your stuff because of Kill Tony. And right away, I was a fan. But funny enough, I'm originally from El Salvador

and realized I watched most of your movies without truly knowing you. You have made me laugh many times, and I love what you do. Much love from Colorado, Andres. Look at that. He's up there and the, took the plaque out for a mountain climb up in the hills. I mean, this is amazing stuff. Here's just someone.

They got their little dog. They got their little dog with the plaque, little puppy. My goodness. Do it in a cave. bad caverns, New Mexico. So these guys took the plaque down into some caverns. They wrote on the back, we love you, Harlan. Thank you for, thank you for being so funny.

Brittany Ray, such a pleasure to do this. Cheers to everyone else on the highway. Thanks, Harland, and team for the dedication. We love you. Wow. Well, I love you guys back. Look at that. They're down in an underground cavern for God's sakes.

I mean, whoever thought old placky would get to these places. This thing's losing its power. This thing's losing its power. It needs to be charged. It needs to be charged. It's charged up for the launch of home. The dollar of race come. Let's see what else we got here.

Hi, Harland. We had lots of fun with the plaque, even though we tried to get into trouble at work and spend all of my money. Love the Harland Highway. Always go back to you. And Jeremiah Watkins doing Cajun therapy When I'm having a bad day, it's my favorite thing.

Jensen Tah and P.S. My favorite word is twat. Love to hear it. Well, twat. Twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, twat, twat. What's this? Oh, here's someone they got their little boy with the plaque, and here's someone in a non-confrontational area,

whatever that means. yeah and here's here's some people they got the plaque they're out there with the uh they took the plaque on an omish horse and buggy ride i'm welcome in lancaster pa any time and uh thank you for this honor chicken chalman katie well thank you katie i never thought the imagine the plaque would be on a on an omish horse and buggy ride Folks, thank you so much for this honor. Thank you to YouTube. And thank you for everyone who participated in the plaque.

And we're going to hang this proudly on the wall. And we're looking forward to the next 100,000 subscribers. So folks, if you haven't subscribed, please hit the button. And on behalf of myself and Amber who works on the show and Keith and myself, thank you, thank you, thank you. And the plaque is back. And let's keep it rocking. Let's keep it rolling.

Here on the Harlan Highway. It's got to suck to be a flamingo. Why? Well, look, nature's a violent place. You ever watch the Discovery Channel? Lions are eating the throats out of zebras. You know, cougars are chomping gazelles, hippopotamuses, alligators, or dragon animals into the, like, it's a violent place.

You've got to be tough. And then you show up in your pink. Yeah, but I think I think they like it Like they're like the The gays The animal kingdom Yeah

Can we say it You're riding down the Harland Highway All right hold tight on the Harland Highway show Harland Williams Hands on I already have mine on

Yeah you're You're sort of ahead of the game Yeah It's almost like I'm sitting and wondering, how long have you been here? Well, I got here early just to scope things out. Yeah, because you came here. Your headphones are already on. Yeah.

I like to get in the environment. Before we start recording, it just helps me perform better as an artist. So you just show up like, you could have been here for hours, maybe. I could have been and have been. Oh, wow. What were you doing, by the way? It was pretty loud. I was building a bookshelf the way Jesus did

Okay it sounded yeah it sounded like there were other By the way Jesus Jesus is a carpenter Can we just start with that first? Yeah Like here's the son of the lamb, son of the God The Holy Ghost of the creator of everything Okay

The son of God Yeah Okay. You could say you're the son of Bill Gates. You could say you're the son of the sheikh of Saudi Arabia. It's a lot of powerful people, but son of God. Yeah, it's a lot. And then you pick your vocation as a carpenter. So now in a position was like, hey, I can walk across that lake and how about a bookshelf? Well, I mean, if you walk on water working with woods, a good profession, because it'll never get wet. Yeah, but it's something's out of balance. Hey, I can cure your leukemia.

And while I'm at it, how about a nice coffee table? Well, don't you have hobbies? I know, but his profession was a carpenter. I don't think he was making money off of it. But he was doing it. Like, he probably had to have a thing in the yellow pages or the papyrus papers or whatever it was. I see where you're getting at, but you have to let out steam somehow. And that's a big responsibility.

Son of God. Right. So, like, maybe you let out some, you know, frustration and a nice table, you know. But, yeah, it's a career, though. Like, you've got to wake up every day, slug the wood around, nail stuff. And by the way, I don't think Jesus was a big friend of nails. Yeah, I wouldn't bring that up around, son of the Lord. But, I mean, come on.

Hey, let me turn your water into wine and your bread into fish. And how about a new, you know, closet door? Yeah, couldn't he just magically, like, make a closet? Like, why is he building it one by one? Well, I'm going beyond that. How about another career? How about race car driver? Like, Grand Prix.

Like, back then they had the chariot races. He could have been, like, the star, the Mario Andretti of chariot races. Like, he could have had some glam, like, a carpenter. You're getting Jesus wrong, though. He didn't want the flashy attention. Well, you build a nice wall unit. You're going to get some attention. Yeah.

I mean, when you go on someone's home and they got a nice wall unit with layers and you go, who the hell? Well, you probably shouldn't say hell, but who built that? And you go, son of God. Son of God, who? Is that the name of the carpenter place? No. The almighty creator who created the universe is kid, the J-Man.

He built me a bookshelf. Do you think he built his own cross? Oh, wow. Or do you think he was up there like, I would have made this better? Right. He would run up there. The workmanship. Yeah, he was actually going like this like, what is this?

Come on. And then they were like, get him. Is this cedar? Yeah. I can't even get Beechwood up here? Come on, guys, you know, beachwood works better against human flesh. You know, man, that's the worst part about the whole thing. What?

The poor craftsmanship in the cross. Yeah, it did look pretty raggedy. Yeah, that was like the last middle finger to him. Yeah. Yeah. And the fact they made him drag it. Here's a carpenter. Remember they made him drag the cross through town?

I remember. You were there? Well, yeah. You do get places early. First you were here. How am I have three hours early. I'm an old soul. Wow, you are.

Yeah. But imagine that. You're a carpenter. Right. The humiliation, you got to drag this raggedy, the second class. You know, who built this cross? Like, it's already an insult to that they're slowly killing you. I can't, but that would be, like, at your funeral, they hired a, uh, uh, uh,

open mic comedian to do. Right. Yeah. And a bad one, like an Ozark Mountain, like Slappy's clown room. Yeah, like, yeah. Hey, how are you folks. Hey, I just flew in. My pork chops are tired. Try the, try the veal.

You know, that type of, uh, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Hey, try the veal. And yeah, we're about to, well, you're not dead yet. but you're like about to be and you have to just watch that. I never thought of it like that. I know. That's a great observation. Well, I think people need to think more about the son of the Lord and his career path, his choices.

I mean, when you got God over your show, you ever have nepotism where maybe you wanted to get into the Girl Scouts or, you know, you wanted to get into the Glee Club and your dad knew a guy down the street or was with the teacher's year and he's like, hey, can you slide? down my kid into the, you know, the trumpet class at school. I mean, Jesus could have said, hey, dad, I'd like to go to the 53rd galaxy and kind of have my own planet, maybe. And could I start my own race of people? Like, because these ones on this one aren't really that good anyways. I feel like I might have to die for their sins. He never did that route, did he? No, I mean, he's a selfless guy, I guess, but. He sounds pretty cool. He does.

Yeah. But in today's world, can you imagine if he came back? He'd be like, Dad, really? I'm texting. Hold on. Yeah. Excuse me, Daddy. Yeah.

And then his water and the wine would be on TikTok. Yeah. Yeah. He'd have a million followers. Yeah. This isn't Evian wine. Evian water. And he'd be like, oh, I'm so over Bakersfield.

Oh, I'm Jesus. Yeah. He would talk like that, huh? He probably would in today's world. And can you imagine him going to IKEA? Jesus and IKEA would be like... He would be like, he wouldn't say Jesus Christ, he'd just go, me. Yeah.

He'd just go me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, daddy strike this place down. Yeah. I'm a carpenter. This is an abomination. How do you say that word? Abomination. Oh, well, abomination. Yeah.

What did you say? Ibo. Abbo. I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to say it. Abo. Abo Nation. Yeah, anyway. Hey, everybody.

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And they come in a range of flavors. And like I said, bonus, low in sugar. So new customers, please visit huel.com. That's huell.com. Hul.com slash Harland today. And use my code Harland to get 15% off your first order plus a free gift. That's huell.com slash harland. Cheers. There's words I can't say. I can't say Massachusetts. You just said it. I did? Yeah. Massachusetts. Yeah. I don't know what

that is, but you just said it. Okay. Massachusetts? Massachusetts. It's a state. Massachusetts. That's what you say it. Yeah, Massachusetts. Massachusetts. Massachusetts. I don't know what you're saying. I can never say it. Yeah. Not. that's not right and uh maryland that's right maryland that's how you say it yeah i feel like i'm over enunciating it no what you're doing that's wrong is you're doubting yourself a lot yeah you got to stop am i doubting myself or doubt doubting myself you're doubting yourself that one was wrong yeah yeah you got to stop doubting yourself how do i boost my confidence a guy like me well um maybe get into woodworking like jesus

Yeah, they say you should do as Jesus does. So if you want to, like, people say that. What would Jesus do is the thing I've heard? WWJD. Huh. Yeah, you might have heard that or you might hear that in your life. And if you do that, then we should all be carpeting. So if I'm about to be in a bar room brawl.

Sure. And some of you goes, hey, man, you want to go? And I'd be like, I would, but can I build you a bookshelf instead? Because that's what Jesus would do. One more step, and I'm going to build you a bookshelf guy. Yeah, but then he might nail you. Oh, there's that word again. Yeah.

And back then, and you know because you were there, nails weren't as refined as they are now. Like you go to Home Depot, there's cement nails, there's drywall nails, there's plaster nails, there's concrete nails, there's wood, there's stainless steel nails. And there's all different lengths. Some of them are spiraled. Some of them have bigger heads.

You look at the nails in Jesus' time. And these things were primitive. They were just like these long sliver things. Have you ever seen nails come out of an old barn? Like an old like barn from the Midwest or something? Like a pioneer barn. Sure. Yeah.

Big old nails. Yeah, big old nails. But they were just like they were just sort of like slivers of unshaped iron almost. Well, they got the job done. Yeah. Yeah. And like an always. Not just Jesus is interesting.

You know what I have two, the crows, they always show Jesus on the cross. Yeah. And there's always like a crow kicking around. Really? Yeah, I always feel, maybe Jesus was the first scarecrow. Imagine how good their crops were

that year for the first time. Yeah. Yeah, because they didn't know what, if that's true, they didn't know they were building a scarecrow. Yeah, that was the first one. Yeah. Jesus was the very first scarecrow,

but yet whenever I see the scene of the crucifixion, there's always a cross. on one of his, on the cross somewhere. I never noticed that. It's one thing, crows are pretty cocky. It's one thing to not be scared of a scarecrow. Yeah.

But when you're not scared of a scarecrow that's the son of the Lord, I mean, this guy could walk, this guy was a miracle guy. Whoa. Those crows be pretty cocky now, child. Yeah. Child. Sorry, you just blew my mind.

Right? And we have to do a podcast soon. Oh, yeah, let me hit the theme music. Oh, shit, we're starting? We got to start now. I'm just as the Lord Command, we have to stop the Holland Highway Podcast. Here at the Holland Highway Podcast studio, Jesse Jetsky Johnson is back. Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, life is stressful enough without you having to worry about your performance in the old Saccharoni.

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Prescriptions require an online consultation with a health care provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions do apply. See the website for details and important safety. That's hymns.com. Guys, get the hymns and get in that bedroom and yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean. Hymns. Oh. Oh, yeah. Wait for you. That's your camera. Oh, yeah. What a treat to have you back. Oh, it's my pleasure. It's so happy to be back. Oh, what a treat. Did you have different glasses this time? These are like rose-colored tint. They are? Yeah. I didn't realize. I never really picked up that they had kind of a redish hue to them. Yeah. Well, well, they're cool. Thanks. Yeah, they sort of match our red motif here. I know. We just. For the listeners, I mean, well, for the listeners, we're wearing coordinated colors, but for the viewers, we didn't coordinate it.

Yeah, we just, it's a fluke. Yeah. It's called symmetry. Yeah. I think maybe Jesus, the Lord, like, guided us to wear the same stuff. Yeah, you're talking about Jesus a lot today. I know. What's going on?

Yeah. Why, did you, do you ever hear this book? It's all about him. It's called the Bible. Have you ever read it? I've read pieces of the Bible. Yeah? Yeah.

It's the way you're talking about it and feels like you just read it or you just heard of this book. No, I just, I think it was, I did a show on the weekend. Okay. And some guy in the crowd, you know, I like to ask, what do you do, sir? What do you do, ma'am? Yeah. And some guy goes, I go, what do you do, sir? And he goes, oh, I'm a carpenter.

And I went, you know who else is a carpenter? and he went, Jesus. And I went, no, my neighbor, Larry in Bakersfield. And that got a big laugh. Yeah, I paused. I was like hearing the laugh in my head. So now I sort of got the whole Jesus was a carpenter vibe on my mind. But we can move on.

No, what's your podcast? I know. It's really the Lord's podcast because everything we do is in his name and his image. Cheers to that. This is the Lord's deal here. So if we don't get laughs tonight, if we don't, if this doesn't click, If nothing happens, it's not on us. It's on the big guy.

I like that a lot. Right, pressure's off. Yeah, like if you get pulled over for speeding, sorry. Wasn't my call. Jesus was taking the wheel. Yeah. Hey, Lord, better make us funny tonight so that these people, my 12, 15 viewers get a, should we do a little like hymn or something?

Him or a prayer? Yeah. Wait, the hymn is a song, right? I'll sing a little. Okay. Jesus make us funny today on the podcast. Jesus make us funny today on the podcast. Wow, two men

Well, three Four What about seven? How about a whole group? Farmed by me. Great. Well, good to see you, my love. I was going to ask you right out of the gate

Now that we're getting started. Yeah, the pearly gate. The pearly gate. Oh, yeah. Do you believe in magic? Are you like a magic person? No, magic magic magic. Like magic like,

You know, like... I believe in it, like, it's like a skill. Yeah. But I think it could be explained. Yeah, there's a method to it. You can break it down. Yeah. So it's really sort of not magic, but we title it magic.

Right. But there is one, here's why I'm asking, there is one magic thing that I do. Okay. And I'm a man. Okay. And I'm going to ask if it happens to women. It's a little person.

so you cannot answer if you don't want to. Okay. But every now and then, us boys, us men, we get a thing that I, where I go, I'm a normal guy, I wake up, and suddenly I feel like I'm a magical, mystical wizard. And here's why I'll wake up or I'll be going about my business. I go into the bathroom to take a pee.

Uh-huh. And somehow, I don't know how, but two shoots come out instead of one. Like, I don't know if a piece of underwear lint got in there or I slept on the bald one-eyed cyclops wrong and squished it and it got sleepy eye. Yeah, like you got a... Right, you know how your eye on your eyes?

And I don't know if something got jammed in there or a piece of lint or an ant or a corn nibble. I don't know. And then us men, and I'm not trying to be naughty here, but you'll go to take a pee. like two come out and you get what I call it's like you're a wizard you got Harry Potter penis you're like you're like somehow you're magically shooting two streams of pee at once it's almost physically scientifically uh impossible I love your confidence because you see something like your body

is doing something it shouldn't do and you're like it's magic yeah I feel like I'm when I got to tell you when I see that I feel like a magical wizard because it It doesn't feel any different. What do you do with that power? Well, I have to get a towel and clean it up. Oh, it goes like out of control. Yeah, you're like, what the hell? And then you have to sort of as a man.

I don't know if a girl can, but a man can kind of squeeze and stop the flow. And then you go again and then it's still. And so I guess I know all the men have had that happen. They get Perry Potter penis. And again, stop me. But do women ever get cloggings and do the. Harry Potter Valva? I don't know what to call it.

The Harry, the Houdini hole. I don't know what it's called. I like the Copperfield. The copper field. Yeah, I don't know because I don't look. Oh, that's right. I sit down and I just like, I let it. Oh, right.

Women don't. I don't like watch. I'm not in there like, let's see what's going on this morning. Whoa, magic. I just yeah but maybe I'll be more studious and I'll take notes I'll come I'll get back to you well let me ask you if you ever felt like something shoot onto the inner thigh of your leg and you're like what the hell is that and then you look down and there's like you're like a water wiggle no I've never I've never it's never been that bad that's good that's all it's all I was wondering

I have a powerful stream though you do yeah it's not just like I don't it's not like a it's Like a faucet, you know. Oh, wow. So I don't know if I could quantify it as like one stream. It sounds like your stream is pretty small. I don't mean say insinuate. You have a small stream. But just the way you're talking about it, you can see the divide.

Words can hurt. Words hurt. I'm sure we have a massive stream. Well, what are you? You missus fire hydrant. What do you knock chickadees off a birch tree branch in the middle of winter? Listen to you over here. I've never tried.

but I bet I could. You probably could. I am pretty confident in my stream. What about a blue heron? Could you knock a blue heron off a guardrail? Yeah, I mean, they stand on one leg, yeah. Oh, yeah. That would be easy.

Why do they stand on one leg? You know who else do that flamingos? I know. They're just trying to be different. It's got to suck to be a flamingo. Why? Well, look, nature's a violent place. You ever watch the Discovery Channel?

Lions are eating the throats out of zebras. you know, cougars are chomping gazelles, hippopotamuses, alligators, or dragon animals into the, like it's a violent place. You've got to be tough. And then you show up in your pink. Yeah, but I think, I think they like it. Like, they're like the, um.

The gays, the animal kingdom. Yeah. Can we say it? And look how happy the gays are. I know, but look how they stand on one leg and their heads are like this. Yeah, and they're like flaming. Yeah, it's almost like their heads are going like this. Yeah, that's okay, though.

I guess, how do they even sound like, do I, have you ever heard, like, quack, quack? Like, how do they, I don't know, do they sort of sound gay? I don't know, quack. What's interesting, too, is the Flamingo Hotel in Vegas is notorious for being, like, one of the first mobster. Oh, yeah. So it's weird that mobsters would want to align with such flamboyant. Yeah. That's a very good point.

And they're probably not, like, think of a mingo. They're always standing like this. Please, don't flip me off. Oh, sorry. That's okay. But you think about a flamingo, they're always standing up on one leg. You've got to go, like even a little bird,

like a chickadee could walk up and kick the leg out and down goes the flamingo. It's not a good self-defense mode. No, but what are their natural predators? Everything? I guess. I would say not many if they're that confident to stand on one leg. Yeah.

And they've, have you seen the size of the flocks? Like, why aren't they having pride parades? Why don't you see like, you know, 3,000 flamingos just strutting down Santa Monica Boulevard or down 50th?

Quack, quack, quack, you know. What's more gay? Flamingo or peacock? Ooh. the peacock has a gayer name for sure by the way weren't we just talking about peacocks yeah yeah this all is thematic and guess who created the peacock and the flamingo Jesus dude wow so far everything's symbiotic here yeah that's good like our wardrobe our topics everything well that's what Jesus is doing now you wrote you you I saw you flinch a little

And we're not going to talk about it, but you flinch it when I brought up the word magic. Yeah. And I just went, oh, I caught you flinching a little. And then I thought, oh, she thinks I'm going to bring up that other thing that we said we won't talk about. Well, we can. But I don't want to offend you. It feels like a big setup. Can I see your notes?

It really wasn't. Oh, afraid of Jesus, they float over there. No, it really wasn't. Well, because we were in the hallway of the comedy story. Yeah. And Annie Letterman brought up that. I grew up Wiccan. Yeah.

And then you got this look in your eye because you knew we were recording soon. And then I said, no, no, do not. Yeah. You're not doing a Wiccan episode. And I won't. I'm very respectful of my guest. And you talk about how important Jesus is, right? Right.

Oh, yeah. And then you're talking about magic. Mm-hmm. And then the P thing was, I don't know, that didn't really fit into this theory, but I feel like you're trying to lead you coerce you into a Wiccan conversation. Yeah. And am I trying to coerge you into it, or is it my Wiccan powers trying to lead you into it with a spell? Did you do a spell today?

By the way, do witches? Are they good spellers? Yeah. Okay. They have cauldrons. They have candles. They have, um, uh, wait a minute. You got me into it.

How'd you do that? Maybe you're not the only wicking at the table, baby lumps. Well, I got to tell you, I called my. dad and I told him, hey, because my dad raised me Wiccan, I said, I'm, I'm writing jokes about growing up Wiccan. He goes, you didn't grow up Wiccan. I said, what are you talking about? He goes, you grew up pagan. Oh, wow. And I said, what's that? He said, well, it's like the original religion. Oh, I thought it was something else that you did in the bedroom. Pagan. Oh, you might have gotten, have you been, have people been, have people been pegging? Not me. You're the one that said you grew up pegging, and I'm like,

your dad told you that? No, pagan. Yeah, P-A-G-A-N. Oh, my bad. That's all right. Okay, I got it wrong. I told you a minute ago, words are important. Well, that's, yeah, I mean, I felt, I didn't want to grow up pagan. I wonder if a pagan has ever been pagan.

If you peg a pagan, do they blow up? I mean, what happens? Statistically, that has to have happened. Somebody pegged a pagan. I mean, it's the original religion. What are you doing in there? I'm a pagan. I know you're a pagan.

All families, but what's that noise in there? I'm a pagan, I'm telling you. I know, but what are you doing in there? Your father's a pagan? I'm pagan. Your sisters are pagan, but what is that horrible noise in there? This is getting real awkward. I have to ask him, and now I'm going to have to call him after this.

Ask your dad, how long he's been a pagan? Yeah, how long have you guys. and pagan. Well, and they got, so I don't even know where it started because him and my mom got divorced. And then he started a pagan. A pagan lifestyle. Now, see, I don't want to go, because I respect your boundaries. So if you don't want to talk about any of this, I don't want to, I got a whole list of top.

I knew you did. I do. And Wiccan is not on here. Oh, okay, okay. I will show you later to prove it. In fact, the Wiccan thing didn't come back into my head until. I said magic and I saw you go. And I went, why did she?

And I went, oh, that conversation we had in the hallway. Okay, okay, okay. But if you want to talk about it, we can. But if you don't, I respect it. It's, it's. I don't care. I could talk about anything, especially with you. But I feel like I grew up so weird and I just want to be normal.

Really? I think that's the way to be normal is to talk about it and get it out. All right. We'll talk about it. Not that I want. want to. Oh my God. But they want to hear about a Wiccan's, it's another term slangford is white witch, right?

Well, I don't know the white part, but there were mostly white in our Wiccan groups or pagan groups. I didn't even know until now it was, I think they go kind of hand in hand. Is there actual witchcraft involved in paganism? I think so. It's about nature and respecting the earth. And they got married at the Renaissance Festival. I think that has something to do with it. Oh, wow.

And, yeah, we did spells. But I would mostly just try to do a spell for like a PlayStation. Did you ever do spills? Spills, yeah. So you did spilling spells? We've all spilled. We're in a comment if you've never spilled. You ever done spill and spell?

No, what's that? Game by Parker Brothers? No, I don't know. Sort of like Yotsie, but you throw the dice down. It's called Spill and Spell. But anyway. Oh, like Boggle. Yeah.

Yeah. They did revamp the name, I think. Yeah. Boggle. A lot like Google. Yeah. Google, Boggle. Woggle.

When I was a Boy Scout, we had to wear these scarfs, and we'd have this little thing we put on it. It was called a Woggle. I didn't know what it was called that. Yeah. Then, you know what? Turkeys have something like that, too, and it's called a gobble. Is that what?

what it's called? Yeah. I thought that was the noise they made was a gobble. It's both. That's called a gobble, that disgusting labia that's hanging from their throat. Yeah, why don't we eat that part? Because it looks like a... What?

It looks like a hanging... It sounds like Volvo. Like, sounds like Volvo, the car. I was thinking ball sack. No, that's on a moose. The moose has the hairy ball sack Hanging under You know what that's called?

I thought that was a gobble No, on a moose, that big hanging nutbag Yeah, what's like? That's called a bell. Oh, that's a nicer name for what it looks like. Yeah. Yeah. And if you're a Mexican moose, it's a Taco Bell.

Oh. Yeah. Are there Mexican mousse? There's no moose in Mexico. It's too warm. Oh, now I want to. I see one, though. Hey.

Mm. Mm. I don't know. El. Mm. Hey. See that elk over there? Oh.

That's the best Mexican accent. Yeah. Yeah, that was. Kind of Canadian. Yeah, it was like a Canadian. It was a Kenexican. Conexican. They're out there.

Both of the borders. Have you ever seen a moose or an elk? Um, yeah, like in pictures. But not in the wild. No. The elk is the second largest member of the deer family next to the moose is the biggest. Wow. Yeah, elk are huge.

Elk are ladies and moose are men? No, elk is a whole different species. Wait, I thought they were, I thought moose was the man and elk was the lady. Like a dough, like a dough on a buck? Yeah. No, moose is its own species of deer. There's a bull moose and a cow moose and there's a bull elk and a cow mousse. and there's a bull elk and a cow elk.

And there can be male and female? Yeah, there's male and female. The bulls are the males, the cows are the females. Got you. Okay, I'm embarrassed because... I wouldn't be, too. I've been calling them all men. I grew up in the desert, though, so...

You did? Yeah, not a lot of... Okay, then you probably know your reptiles and amphibians pretty good. I know my roadrunners, and I know my... I know some reptiles. That coyote. He's really a crazy clown. Beem-meep.

And you know he'll never will run you down. Be-meep. Roadrunner, that coyote's after you. Oh, yeah. That was like my childhood. Tell me about roadrunners. Most people, A, don't even, because of that cartoon,

might not even think roadrunners are real. Oh, they run all over the road. And for real. Yeah. Yeah. You could be going to school and just see a roadrunner. And are they super, super fast? They're super fast, but not as mischievous.

as you might think. Right. I've never seen them like putting, playing with dynamite or doing pranks. Yeah. Always, we're just running. Just running. Yeah. It's interesting.

And are they flightless birds or they have wings but they don't really fly much, do they? I've never seen them fly. Only run. Yeah. And what's their diet? Don't they like retrieve lizards and little lizards and insects and stuff? Probably that they're so fast. I've never seen them eat.

I've only seen them run. Maybe all they eat is fast food if they're so fast. Oh, yeah, dude. They probably do. You know, people reach out to grab their food from the dry-throom. And then someone just grabs their in and out burger as they're going to pick it up. Imagine that, a roadrunner eating a cheeseburger. Oh, wow.

That's funny. That is funny. I'm going to take a minute to laugh inside. Hold on. Yeah. Okay, pull it together. Stop, stop. Get a hold of yourself.

I can't. It's too funny. Okay. Okay. We got off course. So the Wiccan thing. Yeah. It's a religion or it's a cult or it's it's witchcraft.

Because I've heard it's like witch stuff. Yeah. Have you ever been like someone labeled you with that? No, because when I grew up in school, they told me don't tell anybody. Really? Yeah. So it's sort of like a shameful secret. Yeah, because my grandma's really Christian on my mom's side.

so were there any like weird sort of ritualistic ceremonies or things that you did in the house or in the community that looking back now that you're older you're like that that was really peculiar when dad made us dance around the cactus no i mean we did a mayflower pole here and there okay but that's pretty fun um but i remember having this baby blanket when i was a kid and uh my dad uh it was old like falling apart and so my dad wanted to they wanted to get rid of it but he wanted to teach me about reincarnation okay you know what that is yeah that's when you come back as something else either human or animal form or maybe even a flower or a tree perfect yes yeah okay so he's like I'll teach I'll use this

to teach her about reincarnation so he wanted me to the blanket to him was like dead so we were gonna put it in a fire and then get the ashes and spread them okay but I thought the blanket was still real and talked to it. He was like my best friend. So I burned my friend alive when I was a kid. The blanket? Yeah.

What was the friend's name? Little guy. And it was a male blanket? Male blanket, yeah. And was there a pattern on the blanket? Was it just a color? It was a baby blanket that my mom made that was like different. Oh.

Like a quilt kind of. Yeah. Yeah. So it had a sentimental attachment because your mother made it for you. Yeah. That was one of those things when I got older. I was like, oh, I don't think everyone was doing that. And you probably regret giving away your baby blanket because it's got a sentimental

attachment to your beginnings. And it was a special gift handmade by your mother. You know, I did for a really long time. But then I was like, what if reincarnation is real and how bad do you have to be to come back as a blanket? Yeah. And get burned alive. I came back as a Del Taco franchise in Bakersfield, about, I think, the life before this.

Really? I didn't know you could come back as a franchise. You can, yeah. Yeah, and it was tough. You know, I enjoyed it, but the drive-thru was hard on me, you know? It's just, it felt every time I handed a bag out that window, a piece of my soul was going. Oh, wait, you, I'm sorry, I misunderstood you. You were an employee working at the Delta Talker?

No, I was the structure. I was the franchise. Then how could you hand things? I didn't hand it, but the people inside of me were handing like, you know, they build a talk. inside of me they're stirring the meat they're making the shells they're rolling the burritos and I'm like oh you know this is all warm and fuzzy yeah and then they handed out the window to some john smith going by in a vokes wagon and I'm like oh you know I can feel that yeah as a reincarnated franchise del taco in baker'sville two three seven five uh merther street so do you like in this life

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Wow. Because they say that what happens in your last life carries through. What was your last life? I don't remember. Oh, you don't? No. Do you have any inkling at all? Well, I think it was royal.

Really? Yeah, I think it was like. Probably, like, not a queen, but, like, I probably was, like, pretty powerful. A queen. Yeah. Not a queen, but maybe like a princess. Really? Yeah.

Over a real place, like a real dynasty, a real piece of geography, or a mystical place? No, real. Like Finland, like Denmark, like France. Probably more like, somewhere in Europe, like, what's that place called, Ireland? Ireland? Yeah. You think you're an Irish princess? I'm pretty sure, but I don't really know.

Get out in the fields, your peasants, and charing me some butter. Yeah, like, I think I was cruel. Oh, yeah, get out there. Fetch me some clovers, you peasants, for your lovely princess. Mm-hmm. Snap, snap. I didn't have an accent, though. Oh, you were just like sort of Bakersfield, Irish? I get over there and get me some Clovers.

Oh, so you're like down south, like Irish? Yeah, but at that time, down south didn't exist. So I do think that whole dialect was, that's because I was, I think I was influential. Mm-hmm. You're an influencer. Yeah, and I think that's why in this life I'm like kind of an influencer. but, you know, entertainment and also pretty chill and easygoing now because I had it so good in the past life.

Wow. By the way, what's the deal with Irish butter? I wish I could go back and ask. Like you go into the grocery store and it's like you got butter, unsalted butter, regular butter, and then there's fine Irish creamy dairy butter. Like what's so big about making butter in Ireland? I guess the grass Oh

Yeah Like the grass Maybe it makes you Like they eat the cows eat the clovers Yeah And then they milk those cows So maybe it's like Lucky butter

That's like just a guess Yeah lucky butter I don't know for sure But especially when you're in the heart attack ward Yeah that's real lucky You ever eat like a whole stick of butter You look like a guy who eats like a whole stick of butter I do but here's what I do

I'm sort of artistic so I do carvings Oh. Like, you ever heard of butter carvings? Yeah. Yeah. So I'll do a carving of like, about two weeks ago I did a carving of Willie Nelson with his foot on the neck of a giraffe. Oh. Like I'll just, you know, my fantasies and I carved it out.

I had one big long brick of butter for the draft and then Willie's there with his guitar, his foot on the neck of a draft choking it out and I just eat it. Was it to scale? No, it wasn't a full scale. Okay. Well, I mean like two scales. So it was like. No, it was just sort of a miniature version,

but one time I did a full-scale one of Rebel Wilson playing badminton. Before or after the weight loss? Before. Whoa. Yeah, it was a lot of butter. It took me about three weeks to eat through that one. Norma, what's the lady's name? Norma.

The one who used the N-word who's the cook? Poladine. Paula Dean. Sorry. Yeah. I'll call you Pauline now. Paula Dean. Oh, I love it.

Yeah. And then eggs. Are you an egg person? No, and I'm glad because, oh, you heard about those prices? What happened? They've gone up. What are they? Oh, like $10 a carton. For eggs? For eggs. Okay. Can I do a little math?

Sure. I'll wait. Let's say you go to McDonald's every morning. Okay. Or you go to Denny's every morning. Yeah. For an egg breakfast, you're probably paying at Denny's. five to ten bucks for an egg breakfast. McDonald's, their prices are up,

so you're probably paying five bucks for an egg McMuffin. So you do that every day versus 12 eggs for 10 bucks. You're still way out of head, man. I agree. I don't buy them in the store no more. You don't? No. You gave me an idea just now, too.

Just get the egg from McDonald's. Yeah. Take everything else apart. Throw it away. whatever maybe eat it but take the egg yeah and then you could chop it up and make it into if you want to bake or whatever you want to use the egg for yeah that's a cheaper way to get eggs right yeah and what i don't get about the eggs is you go into the grocery store now it used to just be eggs right yeah so now you go in you got regular eggs large eggs brown eggs sorry to cut in but

no hard boiled now hard boil liquid egg whites liquid egg whites liquid liquid egg whites liquid egg regulars liquid egg regulars they got um grass fed grass fed like they don't all eat grass yeah like what is some of the cows eating like uh steak i hope not yeah that'd be cannibalism yeah but then you got the then you got the large eggs you got extra large eggs you got jumbo egg have you seen the jumbo and medium right i'm thinking what's next teraducto like that i mean how big are these eggs they just keep getting them everybody Big or better, it's not, it's not always true. I just don't get it.

It's an egg epidemic. Egg pandemic. So, Wiccans, magic, Harry Potter. Do you like that sort of world? Is it sort of nerdy, that Harry Potter sort of? No, you're going to be started because I love Harry Potter, but a lot of Wiccans don't. And Christians. Why?

Christians don't like it because it's, they think it's like the devil because of magic. All the magic. And Wicons don't like it because it's not an accurate representation. of which oh yeah i don't like it because of the names you don't like harry potter i him i don't really like like harry potter sounds like something you'd say at the ymca men's dressing room yeah okay nice harry potter there guy i never been want to go in the steam room for half an hour nice looking harry potter even the woman's room oh nice nice looking harry potter alice want to go in the steam room.

Yeah, I'll teach you about pagan. I'm talking about those other names like Gimbeldorf and Dumbledorf and gobbledy gibbons and mumbledlobens and Gullum and Glumpnorf and. No, wait. I can't take it, man. What about Ron? Ron. That's one of the names.

Is it? Yeah. I'll take it. Okay, so Ron's okay. If there's a Ron or a. Dan or a Stephen? Ron's one of the main characters. Really?

Yeah. In Harry Potter? Yeah. I guess I'm blending Lord of the Rings with that. I think you are. Oh, yeah, but all that world, I don't like it. Lord of the Rings really big in my family. Really?

Yeah. Oh, so they like that? They do, yeah. Well, what's the difference? Because that's full of like gobbledy, gook, magic stuff. I think the robes. Oh. The fashion's better.

Okay. I think the fashion's better. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know why, but that's a big one. Was Lord of the Rings every movie in my home, but Harry Potter? Is it a little nerdy, though, that world? Yeah, that's why I'm like, I'm like, I just want to be normal so bad. And I grow up and even my parents getting married at the Renaissance Festival.

And they were like Lord of the Rings fans and where they were droid capes, like robes, but not like bath robes. like robes with hoods on them, you know? Yeah. You know. Was it a real wedding? Like, was there a real Catholic priest? Or was it some guy in character? Thou art married to thine wench, me lord. Oh, were you there? It was just like that. Yeah, like we all had to wear, like, the, you know, the corset and the blouse and the garb and the king and queen did they joust in their honor. And I'll say, honestly, pretty fun. But it's all role playing, though, isn't it? It's a, it's, yeah, kind of.

So is it a legit, like, does the state recognize it as a legit union? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, the fun weekend players are at it again. Yeah, no, it's ordained and like they're married. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. Yeah, no, it's a real marriage. But when I was a kid, I loved it.

And I still think it's happy they found each other. Like, wow, what a perfect person to find, right? How'd they meet? Um, I think they met at like a festival, like a pagan festival. A what festival? A pagan festival. I forgot already. What?

That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I remember when he's like, this is, this is a, you know, the woman I'm seeing, she's, you're going to be your stepmother and we're both pagan. And I was like, oh, I thought witchcraft, but now I'm like, dude, my parents are freaks. Family of the pegs together stays together. That's probably what he's like, don't tell anybody at school. Yeah.

This is so crazy to me. I didn't even know what pegging was to like literally like a few years ago. When it happened to you? It didn't happen to me, but I was dating a girl and she, out of the blue, she said, can I do this to you? And I literally said, what is it? I did not know. And then? At this age of my life, I said, no.

Really? Live a little, Harlan. You've got to live a little. It freaked me. out man just let her do the tip oh my god just uh what if you did it and then like you grew your hair out really long and it became like a total hippie or a pagan or you go all in yeah i'm a total pagan now um but that nerd world you when you with men i don't know if you have a boyfriend or anything or even if you're i don't you know what we've never even i don't even know if you're straight or gay

me either i don't know no no So you, I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but you're straight. I'm just trying, yeah, but I'm not in a relationship now. I'm trying to get better at myself. Oh, you are? Okay. But if you don't mind me asking, if it's too personal, cut me up. But do you lean in more towards the nerdy guys, or do you like a manly man,

like a sort of a solid manly guy? I've found that my type has been like, like more guys with like boyish charm. Okay. You know, like, but I've also found I'm attracted to guys who don't treat me well. So, I kind of. What is that bullshit? I don't like it. I don't like it.

I don't like it about myself. And that's why I'm not dating right now because I'll find a guy and I'll be like, you know, he'll like push me and I'll be like, wow, what's it about that guy? I know. This is all I hear about. Girls are like, all I want is a nice guy that treats me with respect and brings me flowers. and then you all you hear is I like a bad boy I like a guy that ignores me I like a guy that treats me like crap and I don't like I don't like that I like that so I'm working myself to change it yeah but I'm trying to change it how do you though because I don't really like that but I think

what happened was my first relationship was so bad that it set the tone for everything else so I thought that oh that's what being in a relationship is yeah like I have to find someone like that because that's what all I know of a boyfriend is it that hard though like you can't just go you know what that guy was a douchebag he treated me bad I just want a nice guy I'll find a nice guy like all that psychology where you're like working through it trying to isn't it just cut and dry or I feel like with women it's not no it's very complicated oh it's as men as a guy it's the most frustrating thing I can't imagine because you want I was born and raised to treat a woman right be a gentleman and be polite, and then I see it, I'll see it, excuse me, within, within dating or being with

someone. And it's like, you can see they sort of want that treatment. And you're just like, why? Why? It's because of whatever happened to him, but I want to find a guy who was really nice and treats me well. And I trust him. And then I'll be like, hey, just treat me like shit a little bit. And then I, but then we trust each other. Okay. So it's not real. So it's a little bit of role playing. Yeah, a little bit of role play. And then I think that's the way it could work. Yeah. And I'll find a nice guy. Is that putting the onus on the guy a little bit, though, who is a nice guy.

Yeah, yeah. Excuse me, but then you're saying, hey, let's just do this thing where you treat me sort of crappy. And now that might not be in his wheelhouse, but he does it to please you. Yeah, but then I'll listen to it what he wants. But then what if he digs it? Yeah. And then he goes, hey, she kind of likes this. Maybe I'll do some more of it.

And maybe I'll do it without her even prompting me. And then all of a sudden you got dickhead again. I know. I need to. That's why I'm not dating. Oh, that's got to be frustrating. It's really frustrating. I just like, I don't, because then I've like, I don't, I'll have a crush on a guy.

And then my friends will be like, have some respect for yourself. And I'm like, oh, shit, I didn't even see it. Yeah. And then I go, okay, well, then if I just won't date. Well, have you ever had a guy that's just been over the top, nice and a gentleman and treated you the way you should be treated? Like, have you ever had a guy like that? And you just went, wow.

And you were like, I'll take this. No, I've never had that. You've never had one guy that was like that. No, and I, because I've been pursuing the wrong thing. So you do the pursuing more than letting a guy pursue you? Well, I feel like in my life, when I've liked somebody, I will just get them. You'll get them. Yeah.

Oh, wow. That's some confidence. Well, it's growing up, a pagan, you know. Yeah. You're meeting all the pegging guys. Yeah. Wow. I can draw it in, but I feel like I've just put up a bunch of walls now because I, but I'm

glad I know that about myself. Yeah. Now I can say, oh, maybe I don't like that guy. Maybe I'm just recreating a pattern to set myself up for failure. And then I can kind of switch and maybe all next time I date, I'll pick a guy who is nice and, like, yeah, and be, you know, get out of my comfort zone. Yeah.

Funny to say, because it'll probably be a better experience. Yeah, but, you know, I don't know. I think there's something to women where they're stimulated by drama. I think that there's the nice guys that are consistent and reliable, and that's great for them. Yeah. In a practical sense. but I think women to a degree their endorphins and their testosterone and their adrenaline,

I think it gets spiked by drama. And so maybe getting treated bad and then good and then the making up and then the, you know, and maybe men to a lot. I think all humans maybe have a bit of that. But maybe women a bit more. I don't know. I think it goes back to their formula relationships and how they were treated as a kid. Like, I was really good as a kid, but my first boyfriend was just terrible.

So all the ones after were, even if they were bad, it was like, at least they were better than that. So, in every guy I dated, it has been better. Okay. You know, like, like, treated me better. So you're moving forward? I think I'm moving forward. And I, but, yeah, I'm just trying to work on myself first. How long does that take, do you think?

I don't know. Yeah. Also, guys will message me on social media. yeah and sometimes they'll be like let me take you out and then i go and look at their their page there's no profile picture and they're or like it's not their face and their accounts private and i'm like well why would i yeah okay caspar the friendly ghost let's go out mystery guy if you guys want to take me out i would i'll be i might look into that but you got to you got to show your face well did you can you write them and say hey send me some pictures or

something? Yeah, but why would I do that? Yeah. Hey, can you send me something? Yeah, that's ridiculous. The guy just like, what idiot? And so you think maybe these are like zombie accounts or something or fake or that and also people who do share their pictures. Like, I don't know them. They're like strange. I get, I get kind of scared like with the dating apps. You know, it's like a complete stranger. Yeah. I don't know. I just pull like, it's too much. I get too scared. I have a lot of fear. Yeah. Of going back into a relationship. does that make sense well how long when was the last one um like three years ago okay so you've been sort of in the holding zone for like three years yeah but but but then i started touring and i started going on the road and so i've been like really busy and focused and now now that i've kind of got

the hang of touring yeah um and like found some balance in that i've now i'm like okay now i'm just i need i need to date somebody at some point yeah but But I have all this fear built up. How do you do it? Do you go on dating apps? Before we get into me. I'm trying to change the subject. Last question.

If there's someone watching now, a good guy. Yeah. And you said you're on social media. Yeah. How does a good guy reach out to you and get into your heart and be a real good guy? What's one little pointer that maybe there's a really good guy watching right now that's nuts about you and might be your guy, what's something to just give them a little hint of something they could do to make it maybe spark your interest or make you think they're legit.

Oh, my God. I have, okay, I'm not not answering the question. I'm exploring the question. Yeah, yeah, take your time. Because I don't know, like, I don't know what they would say. A lot of guys are just, let me take you to dinner. Let me do this. Let me do that, which is nice.

But like, they're strangers to me. Yeah, and you can go to dinner with anyone. Well, I'm already scared to put myself out there. Yeah. So I don't know what they could say. Yeah, I guess, and if you said it, then you'd have like 500 guys just saying it. Hey, I heard you like red popcorn. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, I guess that's a dumb approach, really. But I think I'm on a good place because I know the problem is me. That's good. Yeah. Not a lot of people can say that. Yeah, that's true. but I feel bad that you think of yourself as a problem. Or maybe a project.

Oh, I'd say a work in progress. Yeah. Because a problem is a problem. You know what I mean? But I think what you're doing is you're setting up some boundaries and you're evolving as a person. And you're trying to, you know, get up that incline to where you're in a better place

and you're with someone that agrees with your headspace. Yeah, because listen, if I want a good partner, that treats me well, I have to be a good partner, too. Yeah. So I'm trying to learn how to be good. Yeah. Yeah, I stopped drinking.

Oh, was that an issue? Mm-mm. It was? I don't know. Well, if you stopped, it must have been. I stopped drinking. It wasn't a problem. I just wanted to stop.

Well, you know, because that's how you meet guys at bars. Mm. Yeah. I'm not going there anymore. Yeah, yeah. Well, you'll meet, I mean, you know, you're very lovely. I think you have a lot of admirers. I guess you got to put yourself out there.

You just got to live. You know, sometimes love and relationships have a way of just finding their way to you. Yeah. And you got to have faith. You got to be strong and you got to just have faith in your path in life. Yeah. But, hey, it'll happen. Maybe.

It'll happen. It might not. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe not. I might be an old witch alone. Oh, no. You can just put a spell on a guy

I like that guy You're not allowed to Yeah It's against the rules Yeah Yeah Well let's switch gears Because I have a very important question

Okay Hey everybody My brand new book Uncle Milton is here at last It's a collection of Strange but wonderful short stories And you can read that Along with some of my other books

I bet you didn't know That I wrote books did you It's a little secret I've had We have craved with zombie stories and we have journeys, people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life, sex, sin and Satan where we explore some darker themes, and don't look under the bed, some twilights on us stories for bedtime reading at Harlan Williams.com. Orville Redenbocker, okay? Is this guy like a man or a woman? Because Orville, is that a woman's name or a man's

name? Oh my God. Like, look at this freak, Orville, like, I don't know if he was the first trans person or, but something's up with that, whoever he is. This feels warm. Did you, did you pop corn earlier? No. I think it's just like warm because Orville's on it. It's a very,

it's either a soft man or a feminine. I mean, yeah, soft men or handsome woman. Yeah, something almost like a lesbian secretary or an accountant. with a secret.

Dude, is this what I'm going to be like when I'm all there? Do you think? You know, there is a little bit of a resemblance. I'm going to turn into Orville. Oh, God. No. Oh, no. No, it's a man because of the bow tie.

Okay. But didn't Colonel Saunders have a bow tie, too? Colonel Saunders is a man. But don't they, now that you say it, doesn't Orville and the Colonel look a little bit similar? What are you trying to say here? I don't know. I'm just trying to.

trying to figure up. First of all, have you ever met anyone named Orville? No. And then have you ever met anyone named Redenbocker? No. Like, who is this freak? I don't know, man. Orville Reddenbocker, ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look. So wait, do you think they're in cahoots? I don't know. I just want to know who, like, well, you know, they took Aunt Jemont. off the syrup bottles.

Yeah. They took Uncle Ben off the rice bottles. Yeah. Or the rice boxes. Right. And they keep this Dementoid. They keep Redenbocker around. We could start a movement.

Well, the bathroom's that way. But I mean, come on. Yeah. We should start a movement where they take this guy the hell off of the packaging. Yeah. What would you change it to? I don't know. Just put like Larry or something.

something like orville reddenbocker creeps me out yeah but you you talk about him a lot i know i'm a little obsessed yeah there something's weird with that guy maybe this was your grandma yeah that's what i mean he looks like a grandma yeah and i don't know if orville's a man or a woman's name warville horville have you ever been in a corn maze oh my God. I don't think I have. Oh, wow. Whoa. Ever been in a corn field?

I don't know. I don't think I have. I feel like everybody should be able to have said they've been through a corn. There's something really cool about running through a cornfield. Yeah, I can tell you've been to. I've ran through cornfield. Yeah, there's something really sort of weird and eerie because there's these skinny little plants with these cobs growing off them. Yeah, and aliens love corn for some reason.

Aliens love corn. I love it. Yeah, it's like Jesus could have done anything, and he's a carpenter. It's like aliens could come down and do whatever they want, and all they want to do is do donuts. Yeah. Like they come down in the corn, spin some donuts, and bugger off to, you know, the fifth dimension or whatever.

Yeah, Jesus could have done more. Jesus could have done more balker. Jesus could have done Morville. You know, do you know Orville's been pagan, though? Oh, yeah. That's the rest of this picture. Yeah, and that's why he's into the cobs. Wow.

All right, are you ready for words from a wooden shoe? Yeah, already. Wow, time flies. We've been jabbing for an hour. We covered a lot of space here, Wild Thing. I know it. Words from a wooden shoe. Here we go.

You know how it works. The wooden clog comes out. You pull a word. and see if it sparks a story from your journey, from your life. I can see. Don't look. Oh, did you, what's it saying? Swimming in the ocean.

Oh, here we go. Oh, boy, that's a good one. That's a good one. I've swam in the ocean so many times. Any wild stories, any weird experience that stuck out, stuck, stuck, stuck, stugged out. Then the others. I've never been pegging in the ocean. That would be salt burn.

I go to the ocean all the time I can hear I can like hear the ocean right now that's crazy I can yeah I feel like I can hear the waves I go to there with my dog all the time whoa I remember once I saw this big seal it was like almost at the

book club on Monday Jim on Tuesday date night on Wednesday date night on Wednesday Out on the town on Thursday Quiet night in on Friday It's good to have a routine And it's good for your eyes too

Because with regular comprehensive eye exams at Specsavers You'll know just how healthy they are Visit Spexsavers.cavers.cai to book your next eye exam Eye exams provided by independent optometrists Post It was going to walk up to the shore And it started making like the seal noises It's like I'm there

I can hear I can hear them And then it It came onto the The beach and it started playing frisbee with my dog No way Yeah A seal was playing frisbee

Yeah No Yeah Wait you threw up feet Those things don't even have legs Well Wasn't you just like flomping down the beach There's no way a seal's catching a frisbee

Yeah, dead That's like putting some quadriplegic in one of those marathons where they have to pass the baton. Well, I was there and it happened. No. Yeah. You threw up frisbee for a seal. And my dog caught it.

Okay. And then the dog tossed the frisbee back to me. And I caught it. And then I thought, well, I mean, the seal's here. Yeah. And it kind of was like a dog in the water. Yeah, in the water. So did you throw the seal and the seal caught the frisbee in his mouth?

Yeah, not with his hands. What were you thinking? No. No. even in his mouth. Yeah, in his mouth. He did? Yeah.

On the land or in the water? On the land and then scurried back into the ocean and swam away. With your frisbee. Mm-hmm. So you're out of frisbee? It's actually kind of a bad memory. That is a bad memory. Yeah.

That's like a thief and seal. Yeah. Oh, sad. I wish the face thing happened to that seal. The face thing. The burns or the condition, the seal had. What do you mean? Seal had the space.

thing the singer oh seal the singer oh yeah what was that he had a skin condition yeah i wish it happened to that seal what was the skin condition i thought it was burns but he has he has like incredible pock marks yeah but that might have been from childhood acne or something it always starts in the childhood yeah but in a way like i'm not a big advocate for pock marks but somehow on seal they look kind a sexy yeah well he makes it work i mean if you sing kiss from a rose you could make anything look good yeah yeah it's like brian adams brian adams had sort of a pockmarky face but somehow he had kind of that big strong chin and some guys can make pockmarks works real good

seal was one oh seal but this seal no oh okay yeah kind of a somber note to end on no it's a good let's seal it all up and yeah i'd rather end on a seal than some of the other stuff we talk about. Oh my God, you brought her up. Yeah. Should we end on a hymn for, do you want to pick the topic just to, you know, an Orville Redenbocker him or what would you like to? Let's do with him about World Peace.

Oh. And death to Orville. Yeah. I know you're having to think about him. You start it and then all chiming because I started the first one. Okay. Yeah. Orville, please go away so we can have world peace.

Orville, Reddern-Balker, please go away. Please go away. Please get run over by a tractor in the cornfields. Please, Orville. We hate your gods. Oh, fucking corn freak. Amen. That felt good.

That's the way to end. Yeah, you're right. All right. Before we end, end, please tell Jesse, Jetsky, Johnson. Tell the folks where you're going to be, your tour schedule, all that great stuff. Thank you so much. Fort Worth, Dallas, Eugene, Oregon, Portland, Oregon, Seattle. I'm going to Kentucky.

I'm going to, I'm going all over. They're all on Jetskyjohnson.com. Jetsky, John. Rochester, New York, I'm going. Yeah. Irvine Improv. I'll be at soon. Wow.

You're hitting all the A-list clubs. Well, I hope so. Great. Some of the rooms are smaller, and I just want, I hope people come out to them. Oh, you got to go see her. What a sweetheart. And are you still subbing in on Kill Tony and Tiger Belly and all those shows? Well, they kind of set me up so I can do this.

And every once in a while I pop into bad friends and Kill Tony. Oh, good. Yeah, I'll be back there on March 3rd and maybe some other things. Okay. Yeah, they set me up pretty good. So I could go on the road. Good, good. Well, for now, you've been here on the Holland Highway podcast.

Second visit. Oh, thank you for having me back. Oh, my God. We got through a lot. I love this show. Oh, we love having you. And your listeners. All my 12 listeners, yeah.

And if any of you good men out there. Why'd you wink when you said good? Because I want good men. I want you to have someone good and healthy. in your life. You deserve it. And you've been working on yourself. Will you meet them first? I'll be the daddy. I'll be like, yeah, you got to come through me first. You're going to come through you? Oh, God. Here we go. We're going to wrap it up right here. Jet ski. Go, go. Yeah, get out of here. Yeah, get out of here. Oh, God. That's it for today,

folks. Until next time, chicken chowmaine. And thanks for being here on the Holland Highway Podcast. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one.

Your very own personalized Harland.