The Harland Highway - JESSIE JETSKI JOHNSON- Spits the ants, blows the trumpet and blasts the mac and cheese!

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

 Get 20% OFF @manscaped + Free Shipping with promo code [HARLAND] at MANSCAPED.com! #ad #manscapedpod Jessie Jetski Johnson talks trumpets, Canada and does some summertime ant eatin'.    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody. Welcome today's podcast. A little bit of a technical glitch up front. So don't be dismayed for about the first seven or eight minutes. The sound is not stereo sound. We had a little sound technical screw up. And so for the first seven, eight minutes, you can still hear it perfectly fine. It sounds a little bit tinny. It's not as smooth. But then around the seven or eight minute mark, it kicks in. And it's so beautiful, your ears are probably going to start to bleed. So bear with us. It's a great episode. Funny as hell. We have a ride on this episode. First few minutes, you know, not as refined as the whole rest of the thing. But it's like an hour, 20 minutes. The first few minutes are a little not as nice, but you'll still be able to hear it.

And for those of you that want to call into the Harland Highway Hotline, our number is 323-696-0-222-2. leave a voicemail and maybe you'll get on the podcast in a future episode when when Harlem be taking some call on a Holland Highway podcast. And now without any further a do-do, uh, let's get going. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Are you sure I don't need to eat ants? Whoa, you have so many.

Dig in, girl. Thank you. Oh, God. They're like popcorn. Mmm, oh God, oh, oh, machine gun. Stupid ants, prepare to meet thy god. Thanks, Harlan. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show Harland Williams Do you ever do toothpicks? Oh yeah. You do? Yeah, I do the nicotine toothpakes. Do you want to try this one? No, I'll clean one though if you have a clean one.

Oh. Oh, jeez. What, is that so much not? Pre-Madonna. We have the share list, too. You know what, I'm busy. I can dip my toothpick in it first. How's that?

I have nicotine lozenge. Do you want to try it? Oh, that's a nicotine loggin? Yeah. Let's see. You can have the rest of it. That's huge. Look at that.

That's like a giant birth control pill. Like if you don't want to have fat babies, you take this. It's a two and one. That's like a nicotine birth control pill. Yeah, but you have to take it every day. Will that be brilliant? You have kids that will never smoke. Yeah, they come out.

Well, actually, it's the reverse. They come out full of nicotine. Oh, so they come up with the yellow stained fingers and the green teeth and their hair, as it grows in, smells like a smokers lounge? Yeah, smoke just comes out of the mother, as she's giving, every time she pushes, just a, just a smoke ring. She does smoke ring. Yeah. Just like. It's pretty cool, but yeah, hopefully I'll have one someday.

That would be so cool if you could blow smoke rings with your birth connection. yeah you're telling me i'm trying to keep it like yeah is that a term of birth canal yeah i think that's the term okay yeah it sounds like very nautical though a birth canal because when i think a canal i think of a shipping lane i think of giant freight freighter ships yeah that's how i described my pussy wait can we say that on you know why that's the early we can we can we can bleat that out Wow, I don't think there'll be any bleep, but I think you just let the world know you've got a cargo laid in your pants. It's huge. Isn't how about, like, I mean, you brought it up.

How many feet? Feet, I would say, I mean, I just got back from Canada. So meters? Meeters, yeah. Or kilometers? Well, you're Canadian, right? Yeah. What do you guys do you guys do?

Kilometers. How many kilometers is your? About six feet? Okay. How many kilometers? That's about 26. six kilometers. Yeah, I would say it's about 26 kilometers.

Wow, you can have a convoy in there, like an 18-wheeler convoy. We got a great big convoy trucking down your pants. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, are you okay? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow, here we go. Yeah, I like that song. Oh, you like, oh, look at this, you got the heat.

Oh, look at this. This, you don't hear this a lot, you don't say this to a lot to a girl, but you can really blow. Thank you. And that's a jazz term, right? Yeah. this cat can really blow hell yeah you brought your trumpet will you play that convoy song again oh yeah yeah ready tell you on three yeah one two three we got a great oh wow yeah I've never heard that song played on a classical instrument

before oh yeah oh wow so great big convoy so if it's in the jazz real book great big convoy and great big uh freight center is that what we called it birth canal yeah great big birth canal yeah oh i want to get into this but first we got to introduce you don't you think oh yeah uh folks uh welcome to the hallahawk pond cab right here on guarantee and uh holy smokes right out of the gate we got a great out of the gate we got a great Yes, controversial, musical. She likes to carve soap. So I've been to her house, and you go into her shower, and she's got Irish spring carvings on the shower shelf,

little unicorns and horses, and you're so good with your fingers. Thank you. And, you know, a lot of sculptors use tools, but I don't like to. I think it's kind of like cheating. So you just sort of body rub them down until their little shapes? Yeah, exactly. Wow, let's see, folks, let me turn the, I don't never do this, I don't never non-tune the theme music.

back up again wants to go down if you want to accompany here oh yeah it's really a tough one it took me months and years to do that we got a good guess here it's like a cage and celebration over here it's a second to find the key but that's a really complicated song you got it's really a tough one it took me months and years to do that I feel like we're in a Codad festival or something like with a lot I Should have brought some. You don't have any in the canal? No, I usually take those out before public because this is about... Okay. Yeah, yeah, they can get testy in the summer. Yeah.

They can get ripe. Yeah, but when they're ready, they're ready. Yeah, when they're ready. When the kettles are boiling, it's time to eat some soup now, child. Well, that's what my mom always told me. Is that? Yeah, I never heard anyone else use any stretches. Yeah, well, I used to date your mom.

Really? Yeah, a long time ago, but... Like how many years ago? About a year. Oh, one year ago? Yeah, but to me, that's a long time. Whoa, she was seeing somebody. She's retired in Tucson.

Yeah, I know. I retired her. Whoa. Yeah, I really worked her over good. But it's okay. Hey, let's not dwell on the past wild child. You could run my stepdad. Maybe I'm just your straight dad.

I don't need the step. I'm right here. Oh, no, the guy she was singing was gay. Was he? Yeah. Wait a minute. Now hold on. Hold the roast beef sandwich.

with the side of curly fries, girl, sister. Your mama was dating a Gagai guy. Yeah. How deep into it? And then he goes, by the way, I don't know if you notice if you're not. But I have something to tell you. Well, she didn't, he didn't tell her. She does astrology.

And she read his chart. And she found out he was a gay? Yeah. So we have Scorpio Virgo, Capricorn, gay, cancer. So he's a gay? Yeah, right after. Right before cancer is gay, yeah. Was it cancer as gay?

No, before cancer. Okay. What is the star pattern in the sky? Because, you know, for Scorpio, it looks sort of like a crab and Virgo and some chick holding a jug of water. What does the gay star pattern look like? I think it's just two guys holding hands. Okay. Yeah, that's probably, I think I've seen that just off the end of the big dipper.

Yeah, well, yeah. But it's like a Gemini one. Oh, but two guys holding hands just walking through the, the galaxy it's pretty cute but yeah she saw that and she was like uh so you might be thinking of a different woman yeah probably your do you have another mother i do that's the one my stepmom yeah what's her name carroll yeah but she's a she's um married to my dad so yeah but he's gay well he doesn't like to admit it yeah so what's his sign okay okay yeah um um but wait how did she find out you know that he was like was there a moment during the relationship where they

were and I don't want to get too into it but maybe they were trying to make a love or or they got in a fight and he goes you know what I don't even like women like what how did he come out to her oh no like he loves women but like for shopping so he's anti-gay no he's very gay but he likes women for talking to and shopping so he's a lesbian doing nails together he's a lesbian can man be a lesbian? Well, if you're gay and you love women, like you said, that makes you a lesbian. Don't lesbians love women? Yeah, but they, yeah, lesbians don't like men, but gay men like women. Okay, so I'm really confused, and my viewers, all 15 of them, we got Carol

Northern Pike down there in Dallas, and we got Bill Black Teeth Jones over there and Barneyville, like, explain, like, we're, we're, I'm getting confused. I'm too, to be honest. Yeah. I support them, though. I support them. That's great. Yeah.

I don't know why I do. I shouldn't. Why? I don't know, because, you know, I dated your mom as I told you. And for me to get kicked out so she can go with a gay guy, what's that? How does that make my masculinity feel? Well, maybe she just wanted something so different. yeah after the gay guy i get rejected yeah i don't know i'm just a little i've got a little rejected

for a gay gay man well it hurts i got to tell you it hurts you'd ever been with a gay man well i've been in the same room with a gay man i've probably been on you know it sounds funny to say it i've been on an airplane with a gay man i've i've been on the subway with a gay man i've probably been to a movie with a gay man. I might have been in a public restroom with a gay man. But it was just a gay man doing man things. I wasn't with a gay man in the intimate sense. Sounds like you were really close, though.

I think I was right at the edge. I was right at the edge. A hand came under the stall. You were edging with this gay guy? Well, he was a gardener, so edging is edging. Have you ever been with a gay man? Not that I know of. Oh.

I mean, what if a guy like, you know, gay surprise you didn't know, I'm gay, and he told you, what would your reaction be? Oh. That's it? Yeah, like that makes sense. Isn't that what a child does at a birthday party when they see a balloon being filled up with helium?

Oh. Hey, do you hear about those astronauts stuck in space? Which ones? The only two. Bill and Larry? No, it's like Bob and Cheryl. Oh, it's a man and a woman? Yeah.

When do they get stuck in space? Like June 6th, they went up there, and they're still up there at the ISS, and there was a thruster issue in helium leaks. I'm like, how'd they find out about the helium leaks? What the hell? I bet because they started talking like this. I think they're... Houston and we have a problem.

Houston, we have a problem. Mickey Mouse is on board and you better bring us back. Yeah, they're still up there, though. Well, they're never going to come down. Helium floats. That's true, but NASA's like, we got it. We're going to. Oh, if you got a helium leak, helium just goes up.

They can't float back down now. They're going to have to release the helium. And then what happens? Then the universe floats away. Then we have no more gravity. We have no more solar shield. Earth incinerates because two, idiots don't know how to run a freaking is or whatever you said it was let's enjoy it while we

have it because well thanks for the doomsday uh extension there what is an is by the way an is you said the i ss the international space station oh say that three times fast now do you want me to say is three times or the whole thing the whole thing because i think if i just go is this is that's cheating international service space station international house of pancakes say space station, international space station. It's tough, huh? It is tough. Wow, can you do it?

International space station, international space station, international space station. Yeah, but you did it with the giant birth control pill in your mouth. Oh, I think that's cheating. Yeah, but I'm a woman and we get those luxuries. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You are woman, here you roar. In too many places to ignore. And you'll never have a fat kid in the legs. Wow. You know, who's your jazz?

a hero. Is it Miles Davis? Is it Benny Goodman? I like Miles Davis and Louis Armstrong. Louis Armstrong. You know what? I'm very suspicious and you know, you obviously know the trumpet world. I don't. Are they chipmunks? Were they chipmunks? Why do you say that? Well, when they used to blow, when those cats would blow, I've never seen cheeks. I mean, how many hazelnuts do these guys have in their mouth when they're playing trumpet? That's dizzy. That's Dizzy Gillespie Yeah But come on Louis Armstrong

That guy puffed up like a blowfish In the Bahamas at the end of a tourist dock I wonder if this is going to sound good on the podcast I see trees are green Skies turning bright And I think to myself What a wonderful world Yeah I think you

What a wonderful world. Oh, did you bail on me. I was over. I know, but I wasn't. I was going to hit like a new solo, but you kept going. I'm doing the Louis Armstrong thing is a tribute to the people lost in space

who, the first spaceman who was Louis Armstrong, The first guy to step on the moon, Louis Armstrong. This is one small step for man. This is one giant leap for jazz. Well, you better do Louis with the helium. This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, it sure is spongy up here like cheese.

Wait a minute. I'm a mouse. Oh, boy, I'm never going home now. Somebody pop the helium tank. Like that, you mean? Yeah, I think that. That's literally what's happening right now. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to announce that smooth sack summer is officially upon us.

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That was a nice read. In fact, that was smooth. Manscaped. I love it. Talk to me about this instrument. Hold it up. It's a beautiful piece of engineering. Is it brass?

Is it metal? Is it aluminum? Talk to me. It's brass. It's silver plated. It's silver plated. Why? A show?

Just for show. It's pure cosmetics. Mm-hmm. Because silver's flashy, silver's sexy, silver's jazzy. I think so. Oh, player. My, well, I'm pretty monogamous, but my grandfather gave me this trumpet. No.

He just gave it to you. Well, you were just playing in the sandbox and, hey kid, just have a trumpet. It knocked me out. Yeah. What in the name of corn chowder suit? He played trumpet, and then in high school, he gave me this trumpet. So how old is this puppy? Since probably 20 years?

20. I thought you said it was from your grandfather. 15 years. I'm thinking it's like from the 30s. He bought it like four weeks ago to Goodwill. Oh, God. I don't know how old it is. I got it like 15 years ago.

She's a beauty. Now, I know a woman's. instrument can be very personal. Yeah, you can't play it. I know, but could I touch it? Would it be asking too much to hold it? No, no, no. There's something magical.

Each instrument has its own energy. And just to hold it, just to cradle it in me arms. It's nice, right? It's just, it's got weight, it's got mass. Yeah. And it's got history. I can almost visualize your old granddaddy's lips pursed against the reed. that one.

Well, you don't have to step on my story. It was really going good. I sucked them in, okay? Tom Tinker Tits down there in Delaware and Florence, a fallopian face over there in Seattle. I forgot they were watching.

I know, but I drew them right in, and then you just, like, you stomped me like an elephant crushing a baby skull at a demented circus in Cleveland. It's a genetic thing. I'm sorry. Well, but let's get, it is a beaut. Thank you.

It is a beaut. Can I go through some of the components of said grandfather's trumpet? Talk to me about this thing, this little ring here. That's like a commitment you make with the trumpet. Oh, but putting your finger through there. Oh, it's like an I do ring. Mm-hmm. Will you play me?

I do. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty significant. And then what's this thing? It's sort of like a backward. Are these, are all grip things? for your finger? They can be, but like that one, you could put a joint in.

This one? You clip a joint on there. Oh, wow. So it's a roach clip. It could be, yeah. Or I imagine, you know, if you're in a Russian, you don't want to put your, you know, dismantle your piece and put it back in the box. You can just like run out the door and hang this on a, on a coat hanger or something

or on a coat hook or something. Clip or on your belt, clip. I want something like that because I go on stage with it and it's hard to keep on A stool and stuff I wish I had on a belt, yeah. Yeah, so you should wear a belt and just hang it like you'd have a tool belt and you'd hang your pliers and your drill. Just hang your piece. Talk to me about these. Those are the valves.

Wow, they actually go down real easily. I oil them up. You do? They're so cool. The spring action, I don't think I've ever pressed these in my life. Really? This is a new thing for me. I wish I brought another mouthpiece.

I have another trumpet too. I would have brought two trumpets. Wow, we could have done Christmas carols. Next time. I mean, you get two trumpets. You're this far away from the 12 days of Christmas, if you ask me. Yeah? It's fall of the season.

Oh, wait. What was that? I can do my own. Hold on. Take it. You still have to talk about the read, but let me tune up my instrument. Hold on. Okay, okay.

okay then that's really good lead me lead me in a thing i'll join you i know you you're better than me it's not better than me it's not fair i know shut up Oh, but, but, holy. We're going to join the military band. What was that? Did we just win a battle up on Cheshishire Ridge? Something. What is Cheshishire Ridge?

I don't know, but I think those astronauts are landing there right now. Wow, eat my gravity balls and call me Hillbilly Willie. I had breakfast. Okay. Now, the last thing you mentioned the read, talk to us. Can you pull it out and show us? This is a mouthpiece. Yeah, there's a reed in it, isn't there?

No. Oh, I'm thinking of a clarinet. I don't want to make you look like an idiot, but. Well, too late for that. How about we go right past idiot and right to the R word? Let's not look. Let's not play games. I think they know what I am.

You're using the R word a lot. I know. It's a mouthpiece. Well, since we were condensing it, we went T.S. Let's just say Tard. Okay, tell us about the mouthpiece. And by the way, you're not the first girl I've ever met that's been called a mouthpiece. Really?

Yeah. No one calls me that. Yeah. They call me the freight harbor. I forgot. Oh, you can play without the instrument. Oh, so no need for that big bulky thing. Why don't you just carry that around?

Right. I'm really overworking myself. It sounds like a little mosquito, though. Wow. Yeah. Wow. You know what I want? I want to.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, sorry. Ah. That sounds like a ride at Disneyland and the gear got stuck and a kid fell over and got caught in the swirling teacups and they're like half screaming, half gear, you know, who knows what. Yeah, it took me a while to learn that, but that's exactly what that was. What I want to do later, we'll save it for later, but I want you to pull that pound puppy out. Okay. And one of the things I romanticize about the horn, what do you call it, by the way, do you have a name for it?

Trumpet. But do you have your own, like, sexy jazz name for your piece? Like, is it? I try not to get too attached. Really? So you don't call it Nelly or something like it's not? No, not Nelly. You're going to pull out Nelly and pay a little music

as the sun goes down behind the power lines in Santa Monica. It feels inappropriate naming it because it lives most of its life locked up in a case. Yeah. But who hasn't done that? but later I'd love you to play like I don't know if you can do it I'm going to request it like a low kind of sexy kind of like just a slow kind of sexy like a jazz noir kind of yeah yeah can we tap into one of those later yeah yeah because this by the way this is one of the sexiest podcasts on the circuit yeah it's not like I need more

sexy I think you can see that right I could keep playing the military marches right Right. We got all the sexy we need, but maybe later I'll just have you throw a little gravy, a little sexy on the sexy. Sure. Do you remember there's a movie that Michael Mann did called Collateral with Tom Cruise and Jamie Fox? Did you ever see that one? Maybe a long time ago, but you'll have to remind me. It's the one where Jamie Fox drives a taxi in L.A. And he picks up a fair and it's Tom Cruise.

and Tom Cruise at his hair dyed gray and he wore a suit. And unbeknownst to Jamie, Tom Cruise is a hip man. And he hires, he jumps in Jamie's cab and he said, dude, you're going to drive me around all night. And I got a gun to your back. You're going to take me everywhere I want to go. And so Jamie was forced to drive Tom around the whole city of L.A. to assassinate these marks that he had, right?

And one of the places that, they had to go to was a jazz bar. And there's this actor who kind of had the whole puffy cheeks thing. But my point in bringing it up, you know, a lot of people have filmed jazz and music and try to capture the essence of jazz. It's only about two or three minutes of this guy

playing jazz in the club, but the way Michael Mann filmed it, if you're on YouTube, try and find it. But Tom Cruise is sitting there and he brings Jamie and they're just watching this, you know? And Tom makes it, look like, you know, we've been killing people all night. I need a break. Let's go watch

some jazz, right? So they're sitting there, they're watching this guy and the way Michael Man, you've really got that essence. You could feel the stickiness of jazz all over you. It's really masterfully done. It's really sometimes hard to create a mood in movies. You can film anything, but to really feel it. Yeah. And he successfully did it. And you're thinking, oh, wow, this is kind of a little breather in the movie. And then Tom goes, you know, that guy's great. I love jazz. ask him if we can buy him a drink and so everyone's leaving and the waitress brings him a drink and the guy comes and sits down and tom starts talking about jazz and miles davies and all this stuff and then he just sort of drops in this where he goes yeah kind of like in Cambodia

and the jazz guy goes well what do you mean Cambodia he goes tom goes oh you know about Cambodia right and you just see the jazz guy suddenly his eye and you're realize the jazz guy is one of Tom Cruise's marks. Whoa. And just under the table, he just has a good, and you just see the guy. But it's such, you've got to, the whole movie's amazing. But that scene in particular, I think you'll really love it just because it really captures the essence of jazz in that scene is masterfully shot.

And then the surprise moment that I just ruined for everyone. But it's acted so well. The guy who plays the jazz actor is incredible. I forget his name. but check it out, go on YouTube and look for the jazz club scene and collateral. Okay. But I recommend watch the whole movie if you have time because it's a really great, you know, Michael Mann's a great director and it really captures the essence of L.A.

and the mood of L.A. I'll watch it. Yeah. Now you almost have to. I kind of like got really demanding there. Yeah, I won't go back to the comedy store until I've seen it. Yeah, you got it. I want to ask you my tender, tender love.

By the way, Jesse Lee Lewis. Is that how you say it? More or less. Comedian, touring, what else are you doing? You're on Kill Tony as one of the, is it a correspondent? Is it one of the cast members? How would you say? Yeah, I would cast member.

I'm like, I have a unique position in the band, but I'm also kind of on the panel. Yeah. And then you're on bad friends with Bobby Lee and that other guy, the redhead? Yes, Santino. Yeah, and so you must love it. That's fun. I'm having a good time right now. I just got back from Edmonton, Canada, this morning. You did?

Yes. And then you came here? Yeah, actually, I got you some things because did you have a good 4th of July? Well, I'm Canadian, right? Yeah. So 4th of July and don't get mad at me, Americans. It doesn't resonate with me as much because I didn't grow up with it. And I'm from a different country, so we have Canada Day on July 1st.

So yes, I had a nice 4th of July, and I celebrate America, but I'm Canadian. So, well, what do we got? I had a feeling of that you might have been kind of homesick in the timing of the podcast. I was just in Canada. Wow. So I went in, my friend Logan Gunselman featured for me. We went to the mall. We were in the West Edmonton Mall all weekend.

Open it up. How did you know I was looking for a new purse? Well, you kind of vibed it out. Oh, my God. You know, before I open it up. I just want to tell you, the purse I have now, it's a Gucci, and it's about half the size of this. Half the time my poems are falling out, half the time my tampons are all over the place. How many times have I lost my little round birth control, UFO pez candy thing?

Over and over, not anymore. Well, we could trade if you want. What do you have? No, like, I'll give you that. You give me the Gucci bag. You want the Gucci? Yeah. Okay.

I'm, dude, I'm telling you. Whoa, what's we got? Here's a. Oh, are you kidding me? Just for Canada Day. Oh, yeah. All my Canadians watching? Let's do a little mini Canada Day celeb, celebration.

Oh, baby lumps. There's a better one in there for you, too. What? What do we got here? Whoa, dude, have you ever had an umbrella hat? Because you seem like the kind of guy who has had one. Oh, no, I haven't. Really?

Is that what this is? Yeah. Oh, baby, the lump. Oh, wow. Okay, hold on. I've never. Oh, this is cool. Are your viewers going to be upset by all this Canadian stuff?

Are you kidding? Because they're mostly from the states. I have nine viewers, four are American and three are Canadian. So it's almost half, but with the exchange rate, it sort of evens out. True. Okay, see, now I can't decide what to wear the bug antennas or this. Let me do this. Wow.

I don't think you can wear the headphones. That looks good on you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hello. Hello, Donnie Iris. For summertime? Oh, summertime sadness.

Kiss me hard before you go. Summertime sadness. I got my red and white hat on tonight. And I'm going to get bit by a mosquito. I got that summertime sadness, but not anymore because I got a little teddy bear. It kind of looks like you. It does, especially the tattoo. I have a tattoo on my stomach.

No, you don't. Of a maple leaf. No, you don't. Yeah. Prove it. Well, I don't believe you. You don't believe me? Oh, wait a minute.

I got a tattoo of a leaf blower the other day and now it's gone. Damn it. I'm so sorry What have we got here Oh the Canadian glasses girl Oh wait is there two pairs Yeah I want to wear one Yeah you got to join me

Oh wow How do we like? Yeah Good Do you know the Canadian National Anthem? Yeah Okay ready one two three Oh Canada

Our home and native land True patron I was playing my heart will go on. Okay, let's do that instead. That's the National Anthem. My Canadian heart will go on. It will go on and on and on. Oh, can you make a wind noise?

Whoa, blew off my head. Whoa. That cat can really blow. I can't remember it, old Canada. That's okay. I played it once for 5,000 people. And you can't remember it? Just not to brag, but...

Well, I think you just lost 5,000 fans. I don't know if that's bragging, really, but more like going backwards and losing fans. I had the music in front of me. Well, also had the music right in your hand. Listen, I can only do so much. Yeah. Oh, speaking of glasses,

I'm going to put these ones down. Thank you for the purse. I hope you enjoy it. I love it. No more losing my girly stuff. No more lipsticks. Men can have bags too and be straight. That's what I'm talking about.

No more my, where's my damn lipstick? Where's my damn curling iron? Where's my damn rabbit? And I think you girls know what I'm talking about. Dude, I think you're gay. Why? Because I have a purse.

And a vibrator. So like, wait a minute. So a straight. I can't have a purse and a vibrator anymore. I don't make the rules, but if you're wearing makeup and vibrating in your purse, I don't you know about my makeup. You said lipstick. Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about. What was that? What? Your hand kind of. What? Your hand. Oh, my arthritis? Oh, is that?

Yes, I get arthritis in the summertime. And your list? Well, the heat, it makes my tongue, my tongue can't really. My tongue gets stuck in the roof of my mouth and the heat in the summer. And look at my new Perth, beauch. The glasses. You took them off. I want to ask a huge favor.

Like a huge favor. Okay, okay. I love your glasses. Can I see them? Yeah. This is a huge favor. I want to know if you'll go with me on this. Okay, okay.

Jesse Johnson, Jetsky, Jehonus Brothers, Jehacobson. Yes. I have, where is it? Where is my, here it is, let me pull it out. I have an ant farm, okay? I love my little ants, but sometimes they're bad. They misbehave. Okay?

Like last night they were partying. I couldn't sleep. They were running all around the farm. I don't know if there was a corn roast. I don't know if there was a harvest festival but these guys look at them they're very active today but sometimes daddy

right I'm in charge okay I run the farm Daddy runs the farm Can you even see No but I'm what am I holding up Well as you said ants But what do you see? I see some black blobs

What I want to do is I want to teach These suckers a lesson Okay They need to know no daddy's in charge. I see your glasses. Will you allow me to burn some ants? Yeah, if it works, don't we need the real sun? Don't worry. These lights in here? Trust me, these are over 120 watts. Let me set this up. Oh, God, you little bastards, you're going to pay for your partying. Who do you think you are? Fast times at Ridgemount High or whatever people say. You got a real ant problem.

Yeah, I'm anted up. Look at that. Shake some ants out. Oh, my one got on the floor. well good luck in the real world loser should have stayed on the farm because it ain't pretty out there in the real world you go down to wall street or even down to south central good luck coming back all right so what we're going to do i'm going to hold this up okay glasses to the light and i'm going to try and burn some of these little here we go here we go burn you got to hold it still i Okay Hold on It sounded like something was happening

Oh, they're screaming They're screaming Oh my god It's working That's crazy For that. Sizzled. Wow.

That's why I wear him. Have you ever sizzled ants and for real? Well, yeah, I'll sizzle like whatever's a danger to me. Really? Yeah. With your glasses. What's the biggest thing you've sizzled? Oh, man.

What happened? Tell me. Let me fix my hair plugs. Hang on. Oh, he just looked at me. Those are hair plugs? Wait a minute. Sorry, you move so fast.

I didn't know those are hair plugs. Yeah. great. Thanks. I just plugged them in this morning. I've been charging all night. It's your own podcast. You could plug anything. She said. So what happened? You sizzled a guy with your glasses? Tell me this story. I didn't expect this story to come up out of nowhere. You ever want to sizzle a woman? I'm sure you've sizzled, wanted to sizzle a woman, but you don't have glasses. Yeah, tell me how you sizzled the dude. What happened? Well, he was just being offensive. you know we were like sitting on a bus and he wanted my seat and I didn't want to get up

and then he was sitting too close to me and I didn't like his vibe and yeah so I just I did get up because he was kind of like a big dude and I sat behind him and I just held the glasses out what did you sizzle what part well it started when I said and then it's you know but his whole face was melting by the next stop and no one's gonna think it's the girl with the pink glasses Yeah. So they call me the sizzler. Yeah. Yeah.

I see it now. You might want to take that out, though, because it kind of gives up my identity. And I have been sizzling a lot of people around town. Yeah, but it sounds like you murdered them, right? Because you sizzled them right down. So I think people, it's important people to know I'm with a murderer here today. I prefer a sizzler. Okay.

Sizzler, murder. They both end in ER. Yeah. And that's where the bodies end up, too. Maybe I should say. Maybe it should say sizzle. Sizzla. That's the fee.

Female version. That's the feminine pronunciation of sizzler, sizzler. Yeah, you would be a sizzle. Like Latino, Latina. Mm-hmm. I follow. Huh? I follow you.

Yeah. You do? Yeah. On Instagram? Yes. Okay. Let's go back to ants since we're talking about sizzling. What do we know about ants?

I'm confused by ants because they're the one critters in the animal kingdom that have three body parts. So to me, they're like the snowmen of the insect world. They're living, functioning snowmen that don't need snow. And I think that point has gone. Everyone's missed that point. And you say, I disagree. Okay, let's see. We got our first debate, gang.

Hang on. We got our first debate. Do you want to do a little debate music or anything? It's the. Antebate, 24, the very first televised ant debate. Here we go. We have Sizzy Sizzler and Slaslino Slisluno, and let the ant debate begin. Okay, so I think they've got three body parts.

I think they're the snowmen of the animal kingdom. Rebuttal? No nose. Snowmen have nose. Oh, wait. And ants don't have noses. Big difference. You might have got me.

Hit that music. Damn it. This has been the Ant Snowman debate. Quick, clean, and efficient. And now it's over. Go suck a potato. Well, I didn't need to say that part at the end, did I? I kind of liked it, to be honest.

Have you ever had an experience with ants? Like, have you had, like, you know, everyone probably at some point in their life is at an ant experience. I got bit by ants and I had things like uh bites they became like that big on my legs all over my legs super itchy where was this what where when what kind of ants don't just give me the skirt around the details it's my mom's sister but your mom oh your aunt she bit me a lot your aunt bit you yeah well you were sleeping well I must have been because I don't I didn't I don't remember it happening, but I was very itchy. Has she ever been to a dentist? I mean, she must have huge

buck teeth. I mean, how big were the welts? They were huge. Oh, she's got a jacked-up teeth. Yeah, and my mom doesn't, so, well, you know. Yeah, boy, do I ever. Um, so your aunt beat you in your sleep. How many spot? And on, just on your legs or all over your body? Just on my legs. Wow. Yeah. But I had to go to the doctor and get like anti-itch cream. And what? And I, I itch cream made by Apple by the way um wow unbelievable yeah see this is why I ask the probing stories you know mom you go to any other podcasts does anyone ask if you've had an ant attack no no one's ever asked me that before to be honest here on the hallehawa podcast I ask I inquire and look what came out of it and was there any trauma like while we're here where we're talking about this

horrible attack is there anything you want to talk about so I I can maybe help you as any residual trauma from the ant attack? You might be able to help me because I didn't sizzle. I didn't have the glasses then, so I raided a lot of them. You did what now? I raided them. Oh, with the, you sprayed raid. Yeah.

I've probably killed a million ants. You know what I do? This may be sadistic, everybody. Can I confess something? You've been very open with me and my 12 viewers. I always will be, yeah. Can I be a little open and share? I wish. I wish you would.

I, you know, we all want some kind of element of control and dare I say maybe a little bit of power in our lives to kind of, you know, create the outcomes we want to maybe feel strong in life. Is that fair to say? Yeah. And so what I do to empower myself, I think it's important we all empower ourselves in life, right? To empower myself, I want to empower myself, I want to. do it right when I pop up out of bed in the morning. I want to feel that I've got a sense of

purpose, a sense of power. And so what I do, before I go to bed at night, sweet, sweet tender, Jesse, I get in my pantry. I don't know if you have a pantry. I don't even know if you run hard and long. But I get into my pantry and I get a dollop of raspberry jam. And I go to the kitchen counter and I just plop it down, just the size of one of Cindy Crawford's moles. Just pull. Just pull. Plop it. I just plop it down. I go to sleep. When I wake up in the morning, dear, sweet, sweet Jesse, I go to the kitchen. I go to the kitchen. And there's hundreds of ants. These little fucks surrounding my Cindy Crawford dollop-sized raspberry jam. Just swirling around it. I wake up in the morning. I want to feel empowered. I want to feel like a CEO. I want to feel. want to feel in charge of my own life. Maybe I want to feel in charge of the world. Here's a hundred ants on my thing.

Here comes my giant thumb. Squish. I'm in charge. Now, I feel like God. I'm taking lives. I'm just squishing. I'm in charge of who lives and dies. And you can't, I go through my day up here.

I'm high. I'm feeling like a go-getter. I'm feeling like. wow hold on okay you ever do that you move your head and it doesn't stop no i've never had that problem did you see that yeah every now and then i'll like i'll do like like that and then it just it keeps going my guess is you're getting a little carried away with the power yeah is that is that too much is that too much to wake up in the morning and and and have this God syndrome where you're controlling lives and you decide who lives and who dies?

It's hard to tell because I'm like an up-and-coming comedian and I kind of see you as a mentor. So it's hard for me in this position to tell you that you're doing something wrong. In fact, I don't mind. I might even like take that advice. Oh. Yeah. Become a goddess. And in the morning.

Kill a bunch of. Do you want to here? Put your finger on one right now. and see how it feels. Really? Because I feel a lot of guilt from all the ones I killed in the past. Well, if you want to become a God, you better get used to the death. Oh, that didn't feel good.

Right? Look at your baby lumps. You're glowing. You're eating. You're eating the death. You're tasting the death. I do feel good. You're eating your power. Right?

It feels good. Yeah. All right. Can I have some of that jam? Yeah, I'll get you some jam on the way home. Wow, I mean, just watching you taste them, I got kind of thought, you know, I'm the God here. I'm going to, I'm the one who.

Oh, my God, you've got to one up me. Well, yeah, you've got to. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Excuse me. Well, they're, what do they call that? Charboral. Mm.

They are a little burnt, maybe some freshies. Let's see if we can get some freshies out here. Oh! Oh, I guarantee. Excuse me. Please help yourself. Are you feeling stronger for real? I am.

I feel so empowered. I don't know. That's gross. No. Maybe when you hear them scream, it helps. Help, don't eat me. Dear God in heaven, please, dear Aunt God, don't hear. Dying.

I'm just a little snowman. Want to see something cool? Yeah. You ever seen an ant machine gun? No, but don't shoot it on me. That was really cool. Yeah. But you see, this is, folks, this is what I'm telling you here at the Harlan Highway.

You're not going to see an amp machine gun. I like ant machine guns. I like to shoot them long. I like to spit my ants out. because I'm an ant god yeah yeah you know jesse um you can i tell you something i've learned about ants yeah and see if you can concur okay do you know that word concur yeah okay don't have to snap at me um ants and i'm going to let you fill in the blank a little bit here okay ants don't like butter because okay so you don't have anything to add to that because this is an observation i'll leave

the jam out i'll leave honey out i'll leave a bit of melted hog andoss mint chocolate chip ice cream i'll leave a lollipop lollipops all free today remember the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang? No. Ice cream. Lollipops. I'll feed today, children. Okay, now I'm frightening you.

But I'll leave all these things. These sweets, I'll leave food, cookies, you name it. Those ants gather around like Dolly Parton at an 18-hour bra festival, right? Yeah. They won't touch the fucking butter. Yeah, because they are working. They need a pick-ve-based. me up. They're not like chilling, just feasting. They're working and they're carrying a bunch

of stuff. It's like, it's like a drug to them. They needed a sugar rush. The sugar, yeah. But free butter. Sweet Irish dairy, freshly churned pioneer village butter. Wrong animal. If you want to attract dogs, put butter up. Yeah, they love butter. They love butter. But when did ants have such a refined palate? I mean, they'll eat anything. I've seen them on dead mice. I've seen them eating garbage. Suddenly, Lando Lake's dairy-churned butter is too much for them? Snobbs. Too fatty.

And also, I bet it's so slippery and they have six legs and they're probably just like ice skating around on the little butter. Yeah, but they're not the girtiest creatures. Maybe they could use a little beefing up those stupid skinny little tiny ants. Then maybe they don't get squished all the time if they're a little fatter. Maybe you're looking for a bigger challenge. Maybe. Maybe I'm asking all ants right now.

Butter up. Butter the F-Up. Which one do you want? There's three. I can take one home. Do you want to do all three? Oh, yeah. I can take all these home.

No, not take, but you can do a point out. Oh, yeah. So here's your camera here. All right. So are you going to make an ant statement? Butter up ants. Okay. And now the second camera's in the middle there.

If you want to. Oh, yeah. All right. Butter up ants. I was trying to think of a new way to see it. No, you've got to stay with the same ones. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then the third one, you'll have to stand up a bit and get in front of this one.

Wow. If that doesn't show them, I don't know. Yeah. You don't need to eat ants. You just, you just sent, you just kind of dropped Mike on the whole ant community. Are you sure I don't need to eat ants? Hang on. I think I have.

I don't always get snacks on the podcast I do Yeah Whoa, you have so many Dig in, girl Thank you mind if I join No, please Oh God, they're like popcorn Let me dig my laws and don't

Oh god Oh Oh Oh, the machine gun Oh That's a This is pretty far You got to eat them.

Pull your mic down so they can see. And then let them kind of dribble over your lips as you eat them. But pull your mic down so we see them go over your lips. It's kind of like it's like, I feel strong. Right? Yeah. Stupid ants, prepare to meet thy God. Dude, I can do anything.

You can do anything now. You're empowered. Thanks, Arlen. Right? Yeah. Butter up, beauches. I think I accidentally ate one of the burnt ones. I got charcoal in my mouth.

That's good, right? Yeah, I think charcoal, don't they say charcoal cleanses the kidneys or something like that? Yeah, your kidneys are probably great right now. I probably got like charcoal and kidneys. Let's examine your name because it's Jesse Jetsky Johnson. Juicy Johnson. Oh, now there's a juicy? Yeah, Bobby and Andrew nicknamed me juicy, but now it's juice.

What about Jetsky? Jetsky's still there. Okay. They all just sound like my name. It's a very nautical. It's like you're named after a boat, like a watercraft. Yeah. That's like if I was like Harlan Tugboat Williams.

Yeah. Just saying. Similar. And did you know that Johnson, tell me, you know the nautical connection to Johnson, right? No, what is it? Sister Girl Child say what now? You don't? I didn't know it had another meaning.

So Outboard Motors in the boating world, one of the main brands in America through the since the conception of outboard motors, you know an outboard motor on the back of a boat, Johnson is one of the leading outboard motors. Johnson and Mercury were two of the very original outboard motors on fishing boats. Really? So two of your names,

Jet Ski and Johnson, very nautical. Juice? Juice, well, you got to give it juice. You got to give it juice to make the motor run. The only thing that's really not connecting is Jesse, and I think we might have to drop that. I think we might have to. Yeah.

That sucks, but. Can we just call you canoe jet ski Johnson? Because a canoe is a boat. No, I like the J alliteration. Okay. Junk. The Chinese junk. Have you ever heard of a Chinese junk?

No, I want to start a family someday. I don't think that's a good name. Junk, come in for dinner and bring your sister garbage and radiation waste. Yes, come in. the black bears are here let's eat the garbage have you ever heard of a chinese junk for real no it's it's a real boat i was gonna riff right now what's a chinese junk it's a very odd it's an ancient type of of of watercraft obviously created by the chinese makes sense it's very boxy looking and it's got like weird sales it's a it's a very old boat but it's a very unique looking

there's no other boat in the world that looks quite like the Chinese junk. Kind of sounds like me. Yeah, junk? Boxy and... Foxy and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's edgy.

Yeah. I think putting Chinese into my name is going to be edgy to some people. So you're okay with junk jet ski Johnson? Well, like, what if it was jet ski, juicy Chinese junk Johnson? Okay. It's your name. Who am I? I'm just a god. I can't tell you what to do. I'm just a god over ants, not humans. Well, I've eaten a lot today, too. I'm like a hercules right now, I feel. Yeah. I'm like half. Yeah. I'm still coming up.

Can you imagine God created a creature? Isn't it funny the balance in nature? God created a creature specifically to eat ants, the ant eater. Yeah. How weird is that? He created, somehow he knew there was a balance. He knew that when he created ants, they would multiply by the trillions. Think about the human population. You think Aunt Eater came second? And then an ant eater, he manufactured this creature to keep that population in check.

Think of how many ants an ant eater eats in life. It's just amazing, isn't it? It's engineered. It's got this giant long tongue. All it eats is ants. There's no other animal like that. Right. Like, imagine an ant eater even trying to,

the way it's got that long nose with like a 40-foot tongue, imagine an ant eater trying to eat a burrito. Imagine an ant eater at Wendy's. Like trying to, what would it lick a baconator? You know, how does it? It's funny. It's ironic because I bet an ant eater would love butter. Yeah, that's true.

Oh, yeah, they could lick butter like no tomorrow. Yeah, but they probably hate it if they like ants, Because it's not in their diet. Oh, man, that's almost a porn hub title right there. Butterlicker. We've all seen it. Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at Harbling.com.

Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud.

I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got copy mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbleng.com. Get your Harland original.

design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. So are you part ant eater, would you say? Like my spirit animal? Yeah, because you're eating a lot of ants today alone. Yeah. Well, again, I'm, again, I'm more of a god, right? I said I was a god. So I, no, I don't think. think ant eaters my spirit animal but it could be i like to lick um what's your spirit animal dog what kind though there's thousands of species well god they're all so good um also good a hot dog no like a like a canine dog okay okay i'm not a hot dog spirit okay first you call me boxy yeah now you're calling me a spirit of a hot dog i've never been so disrespected in my life and we're

just getting started oh my god yeah no i'm like a canine spirit is that right gargoyle teeth well i told you we're just getting started you can come back at me with one oh yeah are you leaving i'm taking my cameras too was gargoyle teeth one too many no i have good teeth you have great teeth not as good as your aunts but those are nice yeah my aunts got some sharper by the way this is a tennis game when i go gargoyle teeth i'm waiting for one back from you okay okay well mine's gonna come later when you least expect i'm i'm open to it all right i always have i always have a moment of silence in my podcast okay Not necessarily silent, but it somehow it worked.

I gave it a beat. It was like a death march for the mad, for the dead, the corpse. of the ants yeah i thought they deserve something do you think this could also work as a nose ring try it okay hold on i guess not no just not tight enough almost oh well wait go oh oh oh on the outside i tried all right i just don't i don't i don't have a big enough nose unfortunately oh can we do the sexy thing now that's like can you give me like a like just a soft sexy He's like, let me set the table to help you. Okay.

It's Los Angeles. It's the middle of summer. It's a purple haze in the sky. Sun's going down over the waves in Santa Monica. The city's starting to sleep. All the creatures are starting to come out. It was 8 o'clock on a Saturday night. Carly was coming into town again.

I wasn't sure what to do. So I went down to Smokey's place, and I said, Smokey, I'm going to need your handgun. Somebody's going to die tonight. And there she was, standing at the airport. Terminal 5, she walked out of the mist. She had the red stiletto shoes and the long black coat. I sat in the back of the cab, and I eyed her up,

and then I eyed her down. And as she got closer, she waved the way she always waves, but there was something underneath her coat. And I wasn't going to let her get to it before I got to mine. I pulled out my piece, and as she walked up to the window, I pulled the trigger, and the explosion echoed through the night. And there she lay on the sidewalk, her blood trickling down the curve, making its way into the sewer pipe. and back into the ocean on a sexy Santa Monica night. Wow. Baby lumps.

That was pretty cool. I mean... So you killed a girl? Maybe. I can kill ants. Surely I can kill a girl. Are they that different? I mean, four or less legs.

Right? Yeah. So much easier. Yeah. But one more nose. Can I empty my spit valve here? Yeah. I've been doing it.

Yeah. Okay. What do you mean undo it? I don't see. I don't know the terminology. I've been emptying my spit valve on your carpet. Oh, you have? Okay.

Yeah, no, that's fine. Carpets absorb. I think carpets. Hang on. and there's something i love about that instrument can you hold it up again and i've always wanted to try this i don't know if it'll work but if you'll indulge me i love the opening of a trumpet and i was wondering if you could blast mac and cheese out of that opening i've never blasted anything out.

Yeah. We could maybe do it. Oh, I see. Yeah. Let's load it up. Oh, yeah. See if you can, see if you can, like, hit a note and if it just, wow. Wow.

Wow. That was awesome. That, can we try another one? Yeah. What else you got? How about a, holy God, a pork chop? You got it. Oh, baby lumps.

Whoa, it's hot, too. Yeah. Holy God. How's that going to say? sound oh wow last one this one might be a bit the trickiest of all cheese whiz easy cheese oh loaded into the chamber baby lumps easy cheese meat wait well hold on let me do a jazz thing ready okay ready hey there baby why don't you pick up your piece and easy cheese me yeah Oh, dude.

Is it sexy in here or is it just me? It might be you. Okay. You're about to get easy cheese. No. I'll mac you. All the easy cheese you're at. Don't.

Don't. You get. Damn, girl. Oh, my God. It's a full-on cheese war. This is going to be delicious. And we got ants to clean it all up. Well, they're not going to eat the shit.

Well, there's no butter in it. Do you have sugar? Yeah, this stuff's full of sugar. What do you think easy cheese is? You think it's a nutritional item? I've been eating it like that. Wow. You know what I like about this?

Is we had a full-on cheese war. You came at me with the mac and cheese. I easy cheese you. And we're still buddies. Yeah, it was fun. Well, I think it's because we're gods now. We're gods, right? Every now and then, God's rumble.

Does it bother you? I ate one aunt and I'm calling myself a God. No. No? No, because you walked into the world of goddom. You enforced your superiority. You showed them who was in charge. Do you like that song?

Hallelujah. Hold on. No way. Yeah, yeah way. Things about to get right, play. Wait. What key is that in? My house?

What the hell? Do you know how to open these? I think you need a key. Yeah, I need a key to get. See if you can open my harmonica box. It's like totally jammed. Maybe it needs some easy cheat. How did you do it so fast?

Oh, my God, no. God, there's that arthritis again. What does it say on there? Oh, it says Bob Dylan. That's what I thought it said. Which is interesting because remember when I said earlier, man, that cat can really blow. Yeah.

Can I tell you a quick music story that I think you'll appreciate? Do you like Bob Dylan? Mm-hmm. So about four summers ago, I went to see Bob Dylan in concert at an outdoor venue. It was crazy. It was Bob Dylan, Neil Young, The Who, the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney, and Roger Waters.

It was just unbelievable. And when Dylan came out, he came out with his band. And, you know, he's like this legendary guy. and he had a horn player up there with them. And just to be a jackass, I yelled out loud. You know, we were all stacked together. We were all, everyone was sitting, standing. And I just yelled, man, that cat can really blow!

And all these people in front of us just like, they turned, they did that face, like, you know, that appalled? You know, they do that, like, gargoy, like, who said that? What does that mean? And me, I was with my cousin. We were just laughing our heads off. And so that's my Dillon story. Oh, but did the horn player probably like that?

Well, I don't know if he heard it, but just the fact that I yelled it, like, it wasn't really a jazz concert. I mean, what if somebody said that when you were doing stand-up, would you be bad? No, I take anything. If you're killing and somebody's like, wow, that cat can really blow. Because I know what it means, right? True. It's a term of, when you say it like that with that inflection, oh, man, that cat can really blow. Yeah, yeah.

You know they're going, man, this guy's in the zone. zone. This guy's, this guy's blowing, man. Right? Yeah. So I would say, hey, yeah, man, and then would just fuel me, baby. That's true. Well, it is true. Yeah, I agree. Okay. I head and shoulders. Well, I concur. Well, that's not a shampoo. Agree is and head and shoulders is, but concur is not a shampoo. You said you agree. Are you going to ant me? Oh, you're Macing me. wow oh maybe we could blast some ants out of your horn maybe well they go all the way in and get jammed they might get all the way in and then through it my mom and then start eating me from the inside yeah we don't want to mess up the

blower no okay ready yeah what key is do you know what key that is uh here okay Now we're ready to rock. Ready? What are we doing? Something bluesy. Okay. Yeah, you can go. Whoa, the ants took over us.

Wow, this cat can really blow it, blew right out of my hands. Wow. Should we start a band or something? Like, what's happening here? We're good. Well, you didn't sound too enthused. The cheese ants. The cheese ants.

That's a good name. That's a really good name. Obviously, look, we can't go through this show without acknowledging. You're a girl, right? Yeah, last time I checked. Female, woman, girl. Yeah. Cute as hell.

Oh, thank you. And tell us one of the things that you do that's like you think is the cutest thing. Like, do you curl up when you sleep? Do you have fluffy slippers? Like, what's your number one cutie, girly thing? Hmm. I frolic a lot. What's that mean?

Like if I'm in a meadow, I'll kind of skip around. Oh, really? So, like, kind of prance and skip through a meadow with wildflowers and daisies and dragonflies? Yeah, any chance I get. That is cute. Yeah, that's probably the cutest thing. And what do you wear when you do that? Do you have leotards?

Do you have little curly slippers? What do you? Probably like a sunflower dress and a picnic basket. Oh, God. Can we get a little of that music? How would that sound? Like, brolicing music? Yeah.

Hmm, frolicing music is kind of like... Let's go frolicing through the fields. Let's go frolicing through the flowers. Let's go frolicing through the dragon flies because I'm a cute little frolican girl. Something like that. Wow. Yeah.

Oh, I dig it. Yeah. Can I just say something here? Okay. You can really blow. Thank you. You're welcome. Don't thank me.

You're doing all the blowing. I've been practicing for a long time. Do you get that a lot? This cat can really blow? No. One time when I was 18, I played in a blues band, and I got into the bar because I was in the band. but I wasn't supposed to. In the States, you have to be 21 to go into the bars.

And I was so excited to be playing on a stage. And this guy in the front row of this dive bar goes, Horny girl. What's that? What's that mean? Oh, because you had a horn. Yeah. Oh, so he was being, like, clever and making a pun.

I hated it. Yeah, I hate it, too. But nobody's never like, oh, you can blow, you can blow, you can blow. Yeah, but that's the cool jazz thing. That's a badge of honor to hear that. Yeah, but you're the only one who's ever said it. But you say it in a good way. Right, I'd say it in a real good, jazzy way.

People should say that more to comedians, I think. Yeah, I think that would be nice. It's like a little boost. One time I was in the O-R and it was like 13 minutes into my set and somebody goes, that's funny. It took 13 minutes? Oh, did that devastate you? No, because it was just funny because he really liked it, the joke.

He did. He was like, that's funny. So he waited, he didn't like your other, or maybe he liked the other ones, but that was the one that really got him. Yeah, it took that long. Wow. And how did, as your therapist or doctor would say, how did that make you feel? It made me feel pretty good. It was his, like, that girl can blow.

Wow. But I wish it had happened in the first minute. Yeah, that would have been kind of a bit of a more of a morale booster. But I wasn't eating ants then. You weren't eating ants? Not then. Well, as your therapist or your doctor would ask you, how does that make you feel?

Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Does your therapist and doctor have allergy problems? Yeah. Seems like they're always about to sneeze before they ask you something. I usually go see them during pollen season, which is not the best time to go get therapy. Did something happen to you in Pauline season?

I was touched by seven priests in a field. It was funny. I was just sitting there watching a girl prance by and suddenly I felt these anyways. You know, this isn't about me. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's about you. Forget how to be a guest sometimes.

Well, let's do our final segment. Are you ready? I'm ready. This is when we do it with every guest. It's a favorite. It's called, this is a real authentic wooden shoe. Wow. are you okay you're covered in mac and cheese i'm just getting the dust shaking the dust off you're covered

in ants and cheese and good you just wanted to do a podcast and you got this i like it i do have to clean my case off though really are you going to trial tomorrow yeah i need to get my case in order wow um yeah you are covered with you are covered it looks a lot like pollen by the way well i have some frolicing to do later so yeah we'll fit right in So words from a wooden shoe, Jesse, Junk, Johnson, Jungle Juice, Jones. You reach into this authentic Dutch clog, you pull out a word, and then you see if the word triggers a story from somewhere in your journey, someone you might have met, something that happened to you personally,

something you witnessed, and see if you can share it with our 12 or 14 viewers. We've probably lost six or seven by now, but... Oh, but we gained 12. Yeah. What's your word? You'll never believe it. Oh, no. Corn dog.

Really? Yeah. Wow. Okay. We talked about dogs so much. Isn't that wild? And corn, I never, I don't think I've ever had a corn dog. Wow.

Any experience, any thoughts about it? Any, does it conjure up any? Corn and dogs. Yeah. Have you ever seen one? Have you ever been around one? I've seen a corn dog. You have where?

Here we go. I feel like I've seen them. I think my sister used to eat them frozen. Like she would heat them up. She wasn't like an ant eater, like licking it. Wait, she didn't know you had to defrost them? No, she would heat them up. But I think I remember seeing them in my freezer.

Oh, wow. So you do have a direct connection to them sort of. Yeah, but I always thought they were a gross. how come um because they kind of look like um i don't i don't mean to be crass it's too late but they kind of look like um uncircumcised penises to me on a stick yeah yeah if it didn't have the stick though would you be okay with it yeah and the skin peeled back and in a bun so a cock dog a hot dog okay okay yeah those sticks can often throw an uncircumcised penis right off i wish i had a better corn dog the story. That's probably as good as it's ever going to get. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just switch it to

uncircumcised penis story. How about that? Set the record straight. Well, by golly, ladies and gentlemen, Jesse Jackhammer Johnson, please tell the folks, she's going on a huge comedy tour. You can see her on Tiger Belly. You can see her on... Bad friends. You can see her on Kill Tony, and she's about to embark on a huge stand-up comedy tour. So I'm going to give the floor to you. Tell everyone all about your social media and of your projects. Let her rip, baby lump. I'm in the middle of my tour, and I have a few more stops, Seattle, Houston, and Irvine

right now. Wow. And I'm a big fan of this podcast, so thank you for having me on. Are you kidding? It was fun. Oh, well, it ain't over yet. This is just the first, this was the intro. We're just going to start it now.

Yeah, you're ready to go? Yeah. Okay, it's only an hour. Okay. Are you eating the mac and cheese? Are you eating the ants? I'm kind of mixing them. Oh, a mac and cheese with ants.

It's like black olives. Sorry, olives. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. What a great guest. Thank you for the beautiful music. Do you want to play us out while we go? Yeah, hit that harmonica. I can.

I threw it away. Ladies and gentlemen, get that ant out of there, yeah. This has been the Harlan Highway with Jesse Jetsky Johnson, junk juice. Thanks for joining us, everybody. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, cheese spray, pork chops, and of course, delicious, freshly burnt ants. Thanks, Jess. Thank you, Arlen.

Are you still there? You forgot to give me... Yeah, remember I said the gargoyle thing? You said you were going to give me one before we go? Gargoyle. Remember I called you gargoyle teeth? And you said you were going to lay one on me later and you're waiting and then you never did it.

Well, I'll just say you're very stubborn because I didn't want to insult you, but... It's not for me. They want to hear it. I can't do it. They want it. It's not me. I don't even want it, but they do.

Well, here, I'll treat you this. Oh, I thought it looked like you. Oh. Because it has no chin. Ladies and gentlemen, we'll see you next time. Right town, the Holland Highway. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly?

It's your birthday. It's your anniversary. at your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh you get to pick the topic you want me to discuss give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to camio dot com and i record a custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized harland