The Harland Highway - JIAOYING SUMMERS thinks she's fat! She loves ghosts. We discuss communist China and its culture!

Episode Date: December 23, 2025

Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. This episode is sponsored by: AP Tile Services & Wayfair -Get in touch with Mason at Ap Services at https://www.montanatileservices.com. From floors and backsplashes to complete shower installations, AP Services is here to bring your vision to life! -Get last-minute hosting essentials, gifts for all your loved ones, and decor to celebrate the holidays for WAY less. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Jiaoying Summers:Intagram: https://www.instagram.com/jiaoyingsummers/?hl=enFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/jiaoyinglsummers/Website: https://jiaoyingcomedy.com #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're too late. The young Chinese generation, they love animals and they are double woke. The Asians. Are they double woke or double walk? Very woke. The kids, young kids are very woke and they have, they love LGBTQ people. I love people that know the alphabet as well. It just, it tells me they're literate, they know how to spell. Yeah. They know how to throw letters around. Rolling down the road, no rules, no fear. Harlan's riding high, shifting up the gears, stories laughs a little insane.

Once you hit the highway, you'll never be the same thing. you getting in the zone yes i have a lot of questions for you oh for me yes i'm just very interested oh wow yeah okay well take your time let me know when you're ready you're ready already yeah so should i ask what the first question is yeah okay give me a minute to ask i got to prepare to ask you if you can give me just second to center here. You've got to do a few breathing exercises. Okay, what did you want to ask me? So you are funny with good hair, so what is your problem?

Like, what is the thing that's bad about you? Oh, like, like bad, bad? Yeah, because you get to be funny with good hair. So, like, that's very lucky for any man. Yeah. But, like, what is the thing that's... What's bad about me? Yeah, so just like...

Okay, fair enough, fair enough. I don't know that it's bad where I come from, but late at night, I like to sneak out of the house with the roll of duct tape and a stick and murder. While you're lucky, you are white, so your skin's translucent, so you don't get caught. Right.

Yeah, that's true. Not an idiot. I may be a murderer, but I'm not an idiot. But the hair, hi, the hair is good. The hair's look, rule number one. If you're going to go out and murder, you got to remember you're the last thing they're ever going to see. So you want to paint a pretty picture. They don't want a ruffled hair, messy-haired looking frequent.

They don't want to lay there as their eyes slowly fade to black and think that a homeless person or a deranged crazy took their life. They want to know slick Willie came to town and bludgeon them to death and left them bleeding in their own bedroom on the floor in the corner. and the last thing they remember before they go off into eternity, like, holy fuck, that guy's hair. And then out. Yeah, I think there's a gift to give them. Next question?

Next question is that I cannot believe that fish is 50 years old. It looks new. It just like a baby. Oh, the blowfish. Yeah. Yeah. That's fifth, that's, I got that when I was a little boy.

Who gave it to you, who hurt you? I think my parents, they're like, touch it and don't talk to us anymore. Right, like most kids got blocks or tonka toys, my demented parents, and maybe now we're starting to unravel why I like to murder. You give you a weapon, fish. They gave me a weapon for, this is, these are the ninja stars of fish. You throw them at people, they stick. Yeah, this is, this is scary.

The Chinese star, yeah. Chinese star. Yeah, I don't know. You're only a kid, five years old. Yeah. Poke it. When you see blood? Yeah.

That's good. Did you hurt yourself on it? Did you bleed? No, this is actually the other name for this is the diabetes fish. And what you do is you can poke yourself every day with and test your blood sugar levels. See if you're ready for insulin. Yeah. This is cool.

I got to post, I kind of, what do you call it, um, prenatal diabetes. is when you are pregnant, your blood sugar just shoots up. So I was, with two of my babies, I was poking my finger every day to check if I needed to take insulin. And you also can't eat. You have to eat tiny meals if you eat too much or you get angry and your blush would go up. So you can poison the baby from anger.

From the anger because your blood sugar go up. Have you ever heard of the Hulk, the Incredible Hulk? his super power is anger his mother had I think diabetes 72 I mean she's probably 700 pounds

oh this kid came out angry and he turns green like that might even be diabetes 82 I think so that's high level like she doesn't drink coke and chocolate bar

she'll go to a field and suck a salt lick and that's not sugar but salt they're both white and they're both who knows if sugar is salt or salt or sugar as far as I'm concerned they're the tiny white granular things

yeah who's to say what's salt and who's sugar peppercorn Sally I think it's sodium right everything that's sodium just to make you fat well okay why is it that white powdered sugar gives you diabetes but salt gives you a good time on the beach

that's interesting they don't want us to taste the sweetness in In China, in China, they are very rude and evil to fat people. Like for a plus-size clothing store for women, they call fatty fat pig and cow, moo-moo. Like that's a brand, like there's a brand of a skirt called mu-moo cow. In Asia, it's crazy and also the beauty standard in China right now. For a woman, this paper, A4 paper, if your waist is bigger than a four paper, you're fat, This is not horizontally, this way, vertically.

That's how big the waist of a woman should be. And also, your color bone, you have to be able to put the water in here and put a fish in there. If you can have a fish swimming around in here, you're too fat. In your collarbone. Yeah, you just do this and you put water in here. Mine is too fat. But the real beauty queens, skinny, beautiful Chinese girls,

they can have your puffer fish swimming there. It's just, that's the beauty standard. So in America, you can't even call people fat. kind of calling people fat is caring about them. It's like, oh, you're getting fat. Thank you so much, I think so too. But in America, do you just fashion me? You know, you can't even call Lizzo fat.

My eyes are tiny, but, you know, she's not fat anymore. She's on her pills, right? Lizzo. Lizzo. She's taking... Or Thunder Lizzo, which is the dinosaur term. Can I ask a question real quick? I hate to cut you off, but you asked me a question. Yes.

I'm a little... You keep mentioning... China. Why do you know so much about it? I happen to be a Chinese girl. I'm from China. I grew up in China. Oh my God, he's afraid of me. I'm not from North Korea, Harlan.

Keep talking about it. Yeah, not from North Korea. I am from China. I came from the biggest province in China, which is called the Henan province. And we have plenty of people, not a lot, like around 100 million people.

Over 100 million people. I'm sorry, I missed the last 10 minutes. Can you say that again? Yes, I am from China. Get out. Henan province is the biggest province in China. We have 100 million people. 100 million people in Huanon.

Hohnan. Hulan is a different place. Hulnang is the south of the lake. Hennon is the south of the Yellow River. So what's Hulan? Hulan, they have spicy numbing sauce, food. They are in the south. Those people, they are better. Because they have better source of food.

They get a lot of fresh vegetables, and they eat all kinds of fish. They have, but we are from the north, so we don't have a little fish. We're in the middle. We just eat rice and noodle. Is this for real? Are you serious? You're Chinese? I'm having trouble buying it.

You don't look Chinese to me. I look Thai, right? Italian, yeah. Italian? Oh, you're Italian if I'm a Vietnamese schoolgirl if you're Chinese. Oh my, you, you're telling me you're Chinese. Have you fought the Vietnam War? With that Australian accent?

You're too young to be fighting the Vietnam War. I'm too young as my Vietnamese girl name. I see. Way too young? That's your name? Yeah. If I was a Vietnamese girl. I see.

I know. So you're Chinese, for real. I know I look white. You're not bullshitting me here because I got to do an interview. And if I have a guest who sits down and right out of the gate just swarms me with BS, where do I go? I feel like to prove myself as Chinese like, Go to the second word to prove I'm not crazy. It's going to be hard.

Well, I need something here, guy. Okay. Ni'i-ho. Ni'i-how. Yeah. I like your podcast. I love your podcast. We're starting.

Keep going. This is fish delicious? Okay. Okay, you got me. I just want, when I see this, I just want to, it's like a fish jerky. I just really want to try it. Have you ever eaten a blowfish? I've never.

had a blowfish. Have you had one? I wouldn't do it. I've been in the desert and I gobbled a cactus once, but not a smart move. It's the tiny spikes everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay, I'm falling in love with the language. I love the cadence. I like the meter, the potameter. Uh, most of my viewers, uh, the Dementoids have never spoken Chinese. They don't know Chinese. They don't know Chinese. I bet 99.9% of them don't know it. We translate everything in Chinese. Even Trump, we don't call him Trump. We just translate his name like a T'Lang Pu.

Wow, also a cancer cell. T'Lang Pu, we just call him. Or like Harland. Holland. Yeah, there's no Chinese name for Harlan, is there? Holland. Is there? Holland.

Yes. There's a Chinese, there's a Taiwanese musician. His name is Harland. He's really talented. He's really what? Talented. Very good. Oh, okay.

Yeah, very good. Yeah. Say it again, my name? Holland. Holland. Yes, Holland. William Wu. William.

So now I'm a cow? Yeah, that could be a cow. But we choose a different one. Different Chinese characters have different meanings. Have you ever heard of an American famous comedian actor, W.C. Fields? W.C. Field. Have you ever heard? I haven't.

I need to get it to myself. Let me do a little voice. for you. You'll thank me later. He had a very distinct voice. He was kind of from the aura from Laurel and Hardy, like old black and white. This is for you, and you can reference it later and you're going to enjoy it. Right now you're just going to stare at me blankly, but here it is. Ready? Just let me. They call her moo-moo. She's a cow. And that's how we talked. Wow And you'll like it

You'll like that better That's fun I like that That's how they They have They should have His audio In the Chinese

Closing store For plasticized girls Yeah It just They don't get offended And in America Everyone got My mom

Would always call me fat Every day It's just Saying goodbye I'm hungry Good morning It's nothing offensive

But in America It becomes Something you can say It's very interesting Your mother Called you fat All the time She said

That one of One time That one of my friend's mother said that she was a little, she's a little big, she's wearing a backpack. Mom's like, don't wear that tiny backpack. It's like a bug on a tree. My mom will call me Hubei Xion Yao, which is I have the back of a tiger and a waist of a bear. The back of a tiger. And a waist of a bear because I don't have the A4 paper waist. You should be like that tiny.

Wow. You should also work at Staples. I know. I can be a bodyguard. She just, yeah, Asian moms are, they're just the, they go to is to call their daughter fat. They have no filter, it sounds like. Zero filter. They'll just call your baby ugly. My sister, she's very beautiful. She's more beautiful than me,

way more prettier. But her daughter, yeah, it was, yeah, my mother's like, do not post the baby photo on your, like, the Chinese social media because I don't want other people to hurt your feelings. But you can use Zhaoian's daughter's photo to post. My sister cried. a long time

because she was able to dodge the bullet she was pretty when she was a little girl I was ugly so she never got called ugly now her daughter is ugly I'm very happy about it JFK never dodged the bullet I'll tell you that

what about the term Chinese junk could you call your kid junk I would call them I like them to be child laborers because when they are drunk when you call them junk they get lazy

so you try to call them like a little genius kid they start to do everything cooking for you making your new neckies, new Jordans you just have to lower them into that they are useful they start doing things useful

but you say hey drunk they're just going to sit around just like lay around do nothing I still don't think they are great but I just like you don't think Chinese kids are great I think the Chinese nowadays got too woke and they cancel the dog eating festival they did they did there's a eating festival Oh, damn it. I just bought two Rottweilers. I was going to head over there for...

You're too late. The young Chinese generation, they love animals and they are double woke. The Asians. Are they double woke or double woke? Very woke. The kids, young kids are very woke and they have, they love LGBTQ people. I love people that know the alphabet as well. It just, it tells me they're literate, they know how to spell. Yeah. They know how to throw letters around. Mm-hmm. Hey folks. The holidays are here. The holidays are here. Look at me. It's time for you to get what you need for the holidays fast. That's what you want. You want stuff delivered fast and that's what you're going to get with Wayfair. From bedding and linens to decor for every room in the house, Wayfair is your one-stop shop. And I got to tell you,

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You want me to be fair? I'll tell you to go to Wayfair. So you're telling me there's a, a surgery in China. Here, too. Everywhere for Asians. Yeah. Where people with those beautiful almond eyes

don't like them and try to go and get them rounded out? Yeah, make an eye bigger. Like more bigger. Because they like to have bigger eyes. Bigger eyes are attractive. Like an owl? Yeah. Like the bigger

more attractive. In America, you won't get 10, you know. But in China, they like to make sure they don't, they have as white, like a bleached asshole They want to be wider Like a bleached asshole Yeah, the wider you are If you don't see any sense of

You are still alive, the more attractive you are Like for Chinese beauty stand for a girl You want to see that blue hue Like a blueish color in your skin Because that's how white So asshole white Complemented by Smurf Blue Smurf Blue as white blue skin

Skinny too You're creating enemy characters And the fish swimming Looks like a necklace but it's actual live fish. Swimming in your colorbone. So you are skinny. And also A1, A4 paper.

I'm obese in China. Yeah, you're a monster. People call me aunts. People call me, hi. I was in China going through security. I remember being a little girl, being 1821. Wow, you were never little. Yeah, I hope.

There's a lady, old lady, she's in front. Hey, Auntie, you have to stand here. She goes, you my age. Why you call me Auntie? I was like, oh my God. Yes, she's right. Oh. We have both size twos.

you know, we're like aunts, old aunties. Two ounces. Yes, size two are, yeah, just, yeah. Asia is very, very, very crazy about the beauty is the other street. Well, wait a minute, before we keep cutting it down. Yeah. Which it sounds like what we're both doing here, we're chopping it down. Yeah.

Why don't we look at the pluses? And I'm going to throw this at you. Okay, you go in for eye surgery. Yeah. Right? You get them widen and you want them whiter. Probably 10, 20 grand. But as you suggested, you go to Rite Aid or Walgreens, you get a bottle of arsehole bleach, splash it on your eyes for $4.99.

I'm talking about economy owl eye in yourself. That's smart. A new business motto. I think maybe you're helping people, like, reduce their surgery costs. If you want your eyes white and asshole white bleached, just go to your local wall. Walgreens, gang? Are they paying you? Huh?

Is Walgreens sponsoring you? No, why? Just because why would Walgreens at 573 Melrose Boulevard open 24 hours with all the products you need for your house and home, special this week, light bulbs $4.99? Why would they be sponsoring me? I'm going to use your name. I'm going to take the puffer to tell people I know you and get some free box wines.

Box wines? Yeah, I used to drink it when I was driving. a blind lady in Kentucky, she's a, she hired me, only reason she hired me Asian is because she can't see. She thought was Italian like you. She thought I was from Australia. I was sure you were Italian with an Australian accent. Yeah, that's what she saw. That's where she hired me. But then she found out I was Chinese. She fired me right away. So you are Chinese. I'm seriously Chinese. Let's examine your name. Yes. Because there's something, something's not matching up. Yes. Your first name, I'm not even going to

attempt it. You say it in the Chinese dialect. if in fact you're Chinese. Jiao Ying. And your last name? Summers. That's like me being Indian and my name's like, Nandda-Gand-Blanck-Smith. Some ain't working here.

Are you Chinese or are you not? Summers. My last name was Liang. So Zhao Ying Liang sounds like a racial man. Now you got me. I'm in. I'm in. Summers is a stage name.

It's not real. Yeah. Well, I knew that. The minute I saw you. Your Italian face. Yes, you know it should be something Italian. Say it again, the whole thing. Zhao Ying Liang.

Jao Ling Liang. Yeah, Liang sounds like, you know. It's a furniture store in Canada, by the way. Leons. Leons. Leons is a furniture store. That's good. Can they give me some free furniture?

We can go and ask for them. If you show them ID, you'll probably get at least a 20% Chinese discount. That's okay. I would want more discount as a Chinese person. I'll figure something. I'll make a deal with them. I like it. And I could get free things and discounting all of the good deals.

But why did you arrive at the name Summers? Like, it sounds like you could have plucked any name you wanted. Yes. Summers is a season. It's a season. It's also Lawrence Summers, the Harvard. Say what now? Hey, what now?

The guy who's the headmaster, the president of Harvard, University. Harvard, yeah. His name is, I think his name is Lawrence Summers. Okay, this, and you might not know this because you're from a different color. If you give yourself his name, you don't become the head of Harvard. I don't go to go to Harvard. It's just a name. You don't become the president of Harvard.

He gave me a letter that I... An LGBTQ? Yeah, a diversity letter for getting Harvard because I told him I'm Native American. You're saying it's fake. Hold on my face is stuck. He's also on the Epstein list, right? My face is stuck. Hang on.

Did you say something? I just found out my Harvard certificate is fake. Okay. You don't know the thing I had to do to get that. Sorry, I freeze up now and then. I just found out that my Harvard certificate is fake. Oh no, what happened? So I supposed to get the same name as him?

Summers. Summers. Summers. And I can go to Harvard for a four days. for Day Tour, and he's going to give me a certificate to bring the name Summers to China. And then you were saying that does not get me a real certificate. It's just a name.

Like, I can't call myself Johnny Microsoft, and suddenly I'm running Microsoft. You just get it. It's just a name. In America, it's just named. Microsoft. You don't get to own Microsoft. What was that first part?

I'm just saying you just got to get your dick, Microsoft, but you don't get to own Microsoft. Now, are we pivoting? from talking about a beautiful soft summary name to talking about my private area? No, no, I just, Microsoft, whenever I hear Microsoft. I'm like, what would you name in the Microsoft? Michael and soft. That's a lot.

Microsoft. Right? Like, it's micro and soft. Okay. Yeah, that's almost like an implosion. You're almost like fucking yourself. If it goes micro and then soft. Yeah, well, that's going to go like an iny. You ever see an iny belly button? Yeah, that will be what it looked like.

If you go Microsoft, you're pretty much plowing yourself. I know, that's so sad. What was the name of the company that? Fuck me, Tender. Fuck me, tender. Love me a long time. No thanks. I'm busy.

But what if your name, and since you're rearranging your name, can I give you something that might be real sweet to your ears? Please, please. No more summers for me because... Well, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to add to it. So why don't we call you... Autumn, summer, spring.

Autumn, summer, spring. And then you're almost a whole year. Yes. You're not a whole year, but you're almost a whole year. And you could change colors since you're bleaching your eyes and everything. That's nice. You could change colors like the seasons. Yes, I already own the winter because I made all the Christmas toys when I was five.

So I have everything. Wait, talk to me about that. I hear some sweatshop talk. Yes, there's a people who are always concerned about the Chinese kids, you know, working in a factory, but I think about it, you know, sometimes life is very painful and hard. You have to think about the bright side. The bright side, I never come in the morning and found out another factory shooting, you know? Yeah. They are safe there. Well, don't we really want to, I think the Chinese have a handle on this. Don't we really want to keep the kids

off the streets? Yeah. And what better way? Stuff them in a sweatshop from 9 to 5, have them assembling toys, electronics. Here in America, we send them to the YMCA, we send them to park, who can keep track of them? But if they have to punch in in the morning at a dirty, grimy, smelly sweatshop, assembling Apple iPhones, we know where they are. We can visit them at lunch,

and they're home by 5.30, the little fellas. And they get disciplined. They got slapped on their head for being slow, but the American kid in the park got touched by being cute. Yeah. You ever whack a Chinese kid with a bamboo stick? Like a nice... Oh, talk to me. How can they reach their full potential?

You know, I slap my son all the time. With a bamboo stick? Yeah. I want him to be great. Just whack him. Yeah, I want borrow your puffer fish. I'll buy one for him. Yeah, I get him a puffer fish.

Get rid of the Lego and buy them about 40 of these. You can stack them, by the way. They last forever, 50 years. Oh, yeah. This one's still gone. The Legos, the Legos, you can't find them. The cars, but the ugly fish, they stay forever. You ever buy Legos and then buy some Eggos?

The waffles? Oh. And you can stick the Lego. into the agos because the eggos have the deep pockets, the the concave cubes, and Legos have the convex cubes, and you can actually build on an ego and use it as your foundation, almost like a concrete slab. That's good. If I'm gone for one weekend on tour, I can give my son that I can eat it later.

Eggos and Legos. Oh my gosh. And a smack in the head with the bamboo when they're done. That's very interesting. Nice little sculpture. What's your son's name? Winston. Winston. Nice sculpture, Winston. And then whack with the bamboo. This is good. Okay, now that we've said your name, I want to introduce you. Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Halle Highway podcast. And we have a beautiful, charming, hilarious, Italian girl with us today. And again, even though she told it to me 18 times, I'm just going to be. say Summers. You say your first name and I'll do the second part. Zhao Ying. Summers. Yay! Yay! Who's that? You know Sarah Superman brought me up? She said my name

Zhao Ying, perfect, but she says Simmons. Oh, like Gene Simmons from Kiss? Yes, Simmons. Is Simmons Jewish? Is Simmons Jewish? Mm-hmm. I think it might be. Yeah, she won't make me Jewish. Yeah. Were you offended

by that? No, I just thought it was was so fascinating she pronounced Zhao Ying perfectly but she can't say Summers Jiao Ying Summers I can say it Yeah you are a man Men are just

You want to see something that This should put Silverman to shame I'll do it with my eyes closed If you want to see that Chinese eyes Yeah You'll do with your Chinese eyes Yeah

Zhao Ying Summers Look like a Biden Like a what Joe Biden Biding what Joe Biden What's he biting Joe Biden

and his eyes are very Chinese. Are they? That's why he's very popular in China because he's like... Oh, right. He's got those little quivering eyes. Yes, that's why he got Chinese people liking him. Oh, God.

I want to talk about the Chinese language because I said earlier, they don't know it. Most people can't speak it. I've never spoken it. Yeah. But before I die, I've done many things in my life, Ms. Summers.

and I would love to just once before I die say a sentence in Chinese can you give me a sentence to say and I can say it I see bu mimu Yeah I dive with my eyes open because you guys piss me off That's English I said Chinese

Yeah I I si Bu Mimu Yeah Yeah, I'm sorry bu, miamu. I see what's your hair good, looking good when you see the devil.

It's like a very classic kung fu movie from Hong Kong. You see the hero got murdered by the bad people. He's saying, I won't close my eyes when I'm dead. I'm coming and hunked you down. Wow. I'll hunch you down. You know, what I'm... In my afterlife.

The afterwife. Yeah. What I love is the various sounds and the inflection of your leflexion of your beautiful language. And I remember I was in Chinatown once. Which one? The one in San Francisco. Oh, the real one. The real one. Everyone speak in Chinese sounded exactly like the way you were and I, I again, wanted to speak the language. I didn't know it. But it's so sort of boop, boop, boop, boop, that I just, if you don't mind, I improvised and I was standing in the middle of Chinatown. I said, I figure I got to be saying something. So I just stood in the middle of China. I went,

And a little kid Chinese boy ran up and gave me an egg salad sandwich. Oh, that's so sweet. Because in Chinese we have so many provinces, we have different dialogues. I don't understand a lot of dialogues. We probably think you're speaking dialogue they don't understand. But because at Tong, we're saying sounds like Chinese, they're thinking you're speaking Chinese. Yeah, I was just trying to find the sound. I figured I got to be saying something.

but I get what you're saying in various parts of every country, even here in the U.S., people in Minnesota talk kind of like Canadians, and then you go down south of Mississippi and everyone kind of talk like this. So there's different dialects in every country. Germany, North Germany, German sounds different than southern German. France, French sounds different than Quebec French in Canada. And so I think this is what you're trying to say. And yet I said it again for no reason and wasted a lot of our valuable time. No, I've been very educated, yes. Very what? Educated by a white man.

Did you just say that one word again? Educated. Is that wrong? How do you say it? It's educated. Educated. So I feel like it's my fair lady. You are teaching me how to.

The ring in Spain stay mainly on the plane. Yeah, the one word you don't want to say wrong when you're telling people. you're educated is the word educated. Like if you say, I'm very well, I don't kind of... I'm Harry... Yeah. I'm highly educated. You're Harry educated.

Harry, Holland, I'm a Holland educated. Yeah. I went to Universal Holland. But I see, I wouldn't trade your... Look at Harvard University though. Yeah. Or getting a D.O.I. Whatever it is.

Yeah. I wouldn't trade your charming accent for the world. I don't want you to lose it. I don't know how to... People who always think I'm faking my accent. No, you're not. people. No, you're not. You're bringing shame to China by speaking with an accent. I'm like, uh, no. This is authentic gang. Look, I'm going to say it again. Hold on because this is

where it gets real. Umbers. Uh, folks, I've been to Chinatown in San Francisco and this is the real deal here. So back off, take a step back, uh, dial it down nacho and up yours and suck your grandmother's giant vainy puffed up face covered with acne and lasagna sauce and I stick up for my guests. Thank you so much. I am not Italian. You're welcome. Pardon me?

Not Italian. I am not Italian. You're not telling what? I'm not from Italy. Yeah. I'm not Italian. What's your favorite what's your favorite movie but let me ring it down? What's your favorite

movie, Julia Roberts movie where she plays a lawyer. Okay, Aaron, I can't say

her last name. Erin Erin Wideski, I can't say it. Raviski? That's right. Aaron

I can't say it. I just want I should know how to say it's Russian. You named it. Is that Russian? Yeah. Yeah, we are

communists. You know, I should be able to say it. Aaron. Yeah. How was it? Just one more time. I think you...

Aaron. Iraviski. Yep. Yeah. You got it. It's so hard. You got it. You got it.

You nailed it. We're moving on. Beautiful. Speaking, you said the word communist. You said the C word. Yeah, I know I shouldn't do that. No, but here's the thing. What age did you leave communist China?

And I'm going to put communist in front of it. What age did you leave to come to communist America? To come to America? 18 years old, it was 18, 2009. So is China, and this is for them, I know, they don't. These ones that are, they're not the brightest light bulbs on this, on the Christmas tree. Is China the monster, the evil empire that the media and the American government paints it out to be? Are these just charming, wonderful people trying to eat, drink, and be married like the rest of us?

Chinese people are really nice. Right. Yes, they love foreigners and my fiancé went to China and everyone loved him because he was white. And we love the people visiting China. We like to feed you food. Like we just like the food is a lot of language.

When you come to China, the first thing we do you say, hello. We say, have you eaten? Did you? Me? So we can feed you. You can feed you. Then we can call your fat later. Yeah. Feeding someone is... You've built them up to take them down.

Exactly. So we just like to... We love people. We love people coming to China. But outside of the hospitality angle, you're tossing at me, Mm-hmm. We've been fed this propaganda, perhaps, that China is this dark, evil place that's looking for world domination and the word communist, I think, threatens and scares people. Can you tape down those fears

or dispel those sort of rumors and stories? Or if we're being honest, is it really this kind of dangerous place? I think China is not really a communist country. It's a Chinese charismatic communist. It's very open to the world. It's really open. But North Korea is actually very close.

They don't know what's going on. And in China, is very aware what's going on. I think China is very ambitious. China wants to be, did they hear you? Are they watching right now? Because you can be honest. They don't have TV in North Korea. Are you cleared? Everything you're saying real or are you is real? Blink twice if you are being watched and yeah. Yeah, sounds great. China sounds wonderful. So you just go and eat and have fun and yeah. Sounds great. Everything is great. China is fabulous. Sounds fabulous.

Everyone come from China is good people. I'm not the best, but because I have an accent. I'm not representing Chinese intelligence at the highest level. No, no, no. Other Chinese people speak much better English, and I'm bringing shame to China. I love, my tender, dear, tender love, blowing in a field filled with lovelness. It's not always about how you speak. It's the aura.

It's the essence. It's the energy. It's the way you represent. It doesn't always have to be the words, my tant. Tender, tender, tender love. But I just want to cry because they kind of give me, I would say, I got a C-minus in my English. I'm getting a lot of shame.

You got a C-minus? I got an LGBTQ-T-minus. T-minus. And I'm not even gay. So how do I feel? I'll take a C-minus any day. I got the whole thing. They threw a gay pride parade when I graduated,

and I'm not even gay. I got an LGBTQ-T-1. Why? On my term papers. You got to see? Do you understand why so many people are bisexual now? Bisexual? Bisexual?

Yeah, I have so many friends that just came out as bisexual out of nowhere. I don't judge anyone, but it's just like you have to love one more than another. Like how can it be like you, like even you like pussy, but you probably would prefer dick more. I don't know. I just don't understand.

Can we say these slangs in Chinese, the D and the P word? Yes, Xiao Gigi, like little sister means vagina. A slant for vagina. Sao Mimi? Xiao me-me-me-me. It means little sister, but it's a slant for vagina.

Xiaomi-me-me-me-y-y-es. Why isn't there a separate, like, look, I got my little sister here in America. I don't call her cunt. So can't they just have their own name? like Little Sister and Vigina? We just want to call it a sweet, the cute name. That's what you call it little sister.

Sal Me is vagina. And Sal D, the little brother is the penis. Okay, here we use the word dick. Yes. A lot of the name stuff going on in China. Yes, we call things different nicknames in China because we want to make it cute and sweet. Okay.

So what I'm taken away from this is China is just sort of a regular place, Communism isn't this big, dark, scary thing we've all been taught it is. Yes. China is a great place where my fathers lived, and my grandpa still live there. Fathers? I have one dad. He's drunk. He's drunk.

Yeah, I got his alcoholism from him, but I also have his good skin. My father still look 28. He has the best skin. Really? Yeah, I got his skin, but I paid a little price for it. Beautiful skin. I paid the oils for it. Yeah.

Are you a boozer? I used to, but now I just got sober. I got sober now, and it's not easier. Sober is not easier, but it's just a choice to torture yourself in a different way. Summers, what's the worst place you woke up? You're up all night, partying, popping balloons, you know, throwing shrimp in the air, catching them, drunk out of your face. What's the wackiest, wildest place, Dojeng Summers woke up after an all-night bender?

I always end up going home, but I did wake up with my friend. She's an opera singer, very loud with big tits. That's what you want during a hangover. You wake up and someone singing, Ave Maria, shot the pie hole, opera face. Yeah, it was very, very loud. And we end up in a weird place. It was her apartment, but the staircase was gone.

because they were renovating, we didn't know, so I can't leave for three days. Then there are also, there's... Was this the, these weren't the Escher apartments, were they? No, they were not. There's eight cats, too. Eight cats. You know, you can't eat cats because they are sour. I will.

No, they are very sour. You don't... I love them. I get Harry balls. I just have, I get Harry balls out when I eat them. I don't eat cats. I'll eat a cat. Probably, I'll do sushi fish, chicken, steak.

and I'll have cat at least twice a week. But do you, how do you prepare it? I just catch them out in the yard. But how do you, do you, do you scan it? I eat them raw. I call them sushi cat. I just, I'm a protein guy. It's a protein, it's good protein. Oh, they're delicious.

Do you keep the skin? No. Sometimes I'll make slippers for friends at Christmas. The Christmas gifts. Like kitten mittens. Kitten mittens, kitten slippins. Yeah, kitten mittens, kitten slippins, I call them. That's very generous of you to give your friends beautiful kitten slippers also cute.

What I love about China, Summers, is there's a depth, there's a spiritualness that the Far East has that I feel is missing here in America. Yeah, we have 5,000 years of history, and we have a lot of things like, I believe in, like I believe in ghosts. Before I go to a hotel room, I knocked the door. So you just tell them you're coming. You don't just open the door and go to someone's house. And you're masturbating? Why were you telling them you were coming?

To a hotel room. The ghost came to a hotel room where you were masturbating. No, every hotel room you go to, you have to knock the door to tell the ghost you are coming in. Oh, coming in? Coming in. You just said coming. I'm sorry.

This is part of the language thing. It's the language barrier. I pictured you laying in a Bakersfield Motel 6, you know, rubbing and coming, and a ghost came in just as you were... I have a problem. I can't masturbate. I have no ability. My mother took it from me. Oh, no.

What happened? It's the sex talk went wrong because there's no sex talk in China. We all watch Chinese drama, Chinese palace drama. Chinese palace drama is that when you are seven years old, you are watching with your whole family. Yeah. And it's about the one king with three thousand. than concubines. They had tractors?

They were harvesting wheat? No, they tried to get pregnant from the king so they can become the queen. They want to have a boy. Oh, oh, oh. I was thinking a combine. I'm sorry. Yes, so they try to get pregnant with the king. And whoever is getting pregnant,

they poison them so they can get a miscarriage because it's very competitive. So whoever gets a miscarriage lose the baby and whoever got a son become the queen. So when I got my period for the first, time. I just went home. I said, Mom, I lost the baby. So she found out, she thought I was having

sex, so she beat me up. She goes, I cannot believe you're having sex. Don't worry, keep hitting me. I'll never be the queen. She's like, oh, you're being stupid. You're having your period. Okay, got it. By the way, not to strap your story. Do you know where my sister got her first period? Where? Grammar school.

What? Yeah, it's where she got her first period. Grammar school. What did she say? Did she say it in the correct grammar? My period is coming. Yeah, you'd have to ask her grammar teacher.

Period. Did she use period at the end of the period? Maybe she, yeah, I don't know, but maybe she drew her first period. With her period, but the circle is period. I don't know. I'm just trying to tell you. I wanted to. Thank you for chiming in.

That's very traumatizing compared to mine. My suffering means nothing compared to getting a period on. summer school. Yeah. That is embarrassing. Well, what I'm concerned about, and I didn't want to talk about this, but you led me down the Chinese path. Yes. You've never, and guys, this isn't easy for me to ask. I never wanted to ask this question. Somebody led me down the Chinese lane. You're telling me you've never. I can't do it. My mom told me, if you touch yourself, you're going to get uglier. I said, you told me it's not possible for me to get uglier. She goes, everything is. It's possible you work at Nike. I said, but I actually work at Raybock, and she hit me again, and that was it. I just don't want to get more ugly by touching myself. So you in your whole life have never missed? I tried.

I tried. And I feel depression. I feel depressed. I feel the suffering. I feel that feel like the stress and suffering. I don't feel any pleasure. That's not what orgasms are supposed to feel like. I don't, I don't, but I like real meat.

I can't play with the toy, too, either. I tried, but I just don't come. you just get embarrassing and depressing. But I like to have a real organic. Oh, poor thing. Microsoft, the penis. Oh, you poor dear. Have you given up on it?

Have you given up on? Or are you going to try? I think I still want to try, but I don't think it's working. I can't even touch my nipple. It just makes me weird. Oh, well, you're doing it right now. Yeah, but it's just the... Press a little harder, see what happened.

There you go. Yes, I don't feel... feel any no pleasure just guilt guilt horror

and my mom telling me I'm gonna get ugly thinking about wrinkles coming on my face

do you ever press them and just go sweat shop sweatshop like

I press and my mom's face just like wrinkles get fat and old and die

that's oh poor angel it's really sad yeah she robbed it from me so I don't

she took away so I go to hotel room just make sure the ghost is not there yeah

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It's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Have you ever seen a ghost? Have I ever seen a ghost? Do you believe in? I believe in ghosts. I believe in ghosts, 100%.

100%. Have you sensed the one in your lifetime? Yes. Can you please tell me? You're fascinated? I love paranormal things. Okay, I'm going to tell you, I, when I was a little boy,

probably around the time I was gifted this, I had a wooden bed frame in my house, and at each end of the bed frame, there was an oval shape and a whole car. carved in the oval, so like a handle, but it was like almost pictures stretched out donut. That was the design on each corner. And one evening, I was probably about six or seven years old.

It's hard to believe I was ever six or seven, but I was. I was even eight. I was five. I was four. I was ten and I was two and I was one. You're not, you just, you don't make up your mind, huh? You just keep changing your age. I'm just telling you what I was.

Okay. So I'm laying in. bed. It wasn't a groggy sleep. I had just laying down. I was probably in bed five, 10 minutes. The bed that I had belonged to my grandparents who were deceased. And one night when I was laying there, it was as if someone put their hand in one of the holes, lifted one corner in my bed, just held it there for about 12 seconds, and let it. it go, and it dropped. And I just laid in the bed completely frozen, and I've never not been able to verbalize. I've never not been able to scream, but I just went, I wanted to scream

at the top of my lungs, but I just went, Dad, Dad, and I screamed for my dad. He came running up. I told him he looked under the bed, nothing there, and I don't know that he believed me, and I grew up to be a murderer. He probably gave it a puff ofage to shut you up. Yeah, just stuck in my mouth like a, yeah, shut up. Duck tape over it, shut your mouth, you little ghost liar. Yeah, but that was, that was real.

Do you think it was your grandpa? I don't know. I mean, it could have been an angry, a dead furniture salesman. Could be. Could have been the spokesman for sitting sleep who passed away. I don't know. Yeah, someone.

But it was real. Yeah, I think it happens. I don't understand why people don't respect nature because you can't explain things. If you can't explain, you can not believe in it. But you seem to have a little like I'm picking up on this, you have a fascination with it. Yes, I love ghost stories.

I just feel like we don't know everything and we are so arrogant. And I just want one day the ghosts come up and fuck everyone up, just be like, hey, you don't know nothing about anything. But do ghosts know any more than us? I mean, the idiots walk through walls. Hey, hey, translucent.

There's a door over here, stupid. They don't see it. I think you can just go through it. When you have superpower, you don't care, though. You're just like, I'm going to go through it. It can't be that bright if you're walking through drywall. There's a door three feet over, Casper. They're just lazy because they've been walking around the four centuries.

Stupid lazy. Yeah, they're lazy. Well, have you seen a ghost? I hope you have. Yeah. Talk to me, Powerpuff girl. It was in Kentucky. Oh, so it was drunk?

Yeah. It was a Confederate soldier. No. It was the building was built. The apartment was built on a burial ground, unnamed soldiers. So they were... So you couldn't even call it anything. Hey, Larry, I'm trying to sleep.

Yeah, I was just laying there, and he just wearing this old time. I don't know what was the time. It was the Confederate War. Yeah, they wore the uniforms. The heavy coat. Was it a Yankee or was it a doodle? I don't know. Doodle sounds good.

Doodles are dogs and cute. So I can't see clearly, but it was wearing a fedora hat for the ring. It was just like a drippy ring. I was laying in bed. Same as you. Like I can see it, but I can't scream. Oh, you were terrified. No, I can't.

I was saying, help, but I can't. Nobody can hear me. Maybe because my English, I think, is my English. Yeah. I was screaming help, but I just feel like my body is like somebody's, pressing me down. I can't get up. He walked down to my bed. He opened the door, walking in, and to my bed, standing next to the lamp, and just stare at my face. Just stare at me

for a while. I can see his face. He's staring at me. How was his breath? He didn't open his mouth, but his face is just really blue, like the Chinese beautiful girls. Oh, wow. Blueish, and his eyes are blue too. He's just staring like this. Really? Yeah, there's water dripping, just water dripping. Interesting. Yeah, but there's no smell.

I didn't really smell. Yeah. He just looked closer, closer to me. And when he put his face near mine, I just screamed and I just set up and everything is gone. Maybe he was waiting for you to start masturbating. Maybe he's waiting for me to, yeah, I think he wanted to liberate my sex drive. I think so. Sex liberation.

Did he press your nipples? No, he didn't. I don't think he's into Chinese girls. He saw that was Italian. Then he walked closer, he could know that's not for me. for me. I don't like. No, them song for me. I'm looking for... How on a level of one to ten. And be honest. How hot he was? No, how, how hot was he? Is that what you wanted to...

I think he was. Okay, I was going somewhere else, but let's talk about how hot he was. I can see the handsomeness behind the purple blue. He's frozen, you know, he's very cold. But I think he's pretty hot. He looked like a young Daniel Day, Louise. Oh, wow. Like a young one. There will be blood, which goes back to your first period. Yes, he's like the handsome, like the, with stories, not like a broad pit, handsome. Yeah, like a dead pit. Yeah, like more like a dead pit.

Yeah. Yeah, he was hot. On a scale of one to ten, how scared were you is where I was going? I would say as 8.5. 8.5? Yes. To terror? Terror.

Fear? Because if he was ugly, it would be a 10. But he actually was good-looking. Are we teetering on the edge of an occultish sexual fantasy right here? I'm pretty sure he's a real man. You know, they had to do everything themselves. They have to skin and a bunny. They have to cut your cats.

They have to, they have to use their hand. Survivalists. Survivalists. You know, they have to do shit. And I think he's a real man. He may be stinky a little bit. But it sounds like you had a bit of an erotic haunting attraction to him. It was scary when he walked in the door,

but when he looked closer to me, when I see he's 11 times Oscar nominee, you know, and winner, Oscar winner. Like, it changes the story, though. Yeah. It's different when I see his handsome. But then he won't want me. If he want to fuck me, I'll be angry.

But he's like not Italian, and he just got up and just left. He wants to do what now? Because he didn't want to have sex with me because he saw that was Italian. He saw I was from Italy. He came in and tried to like have sex with me. But then he saw it was like, oh, that's my picking duck. He's like, not for me.

Peking duck. Yeah, when someone don't want you, it makes them harder, don't you think? Yeah, I guess you're right. A little bit. So I'm just like, you know, that's why I got 10. I tried to look more Italian. So my... What was that little noise you just did?

That was... Crying, like a Chinese enemy character. Can I set up a scenario for you? Yeah. You're a little Chinese girl. Your father just scolded you. Everyone's looking for you. You ran out of the house upset.

We peek around a mulberry bush or a grackleberry bush. And there's you. When I peek around, do the crying. Ready? No, wait until we do. I peek around. Ready? Where are you?

Where are? Oh. Wow. Adorable. So sad. But adorable. You're almost like that little kitten. Yeah, like the kitten you just skinned.

To make mittens for Christmas, for your rich friends in Hollywood. True, true. I'm not going to deny it. I'm a cat killer. Yeah, so that becomes my undying fantasy is the Confederate soldier. That if I can just look more Gucci, he's just going to. Gucci, Gucci, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gucci, Gucci, yeah, yeah.

Lady Mamma, Lai. Gucci, Gucci, yeah. Sorry. I think maybe it's my soldier I get carried away. I didn't mean to do that. Maybe it's a confrat soldier that lift your bed.

Where's your family home build on? Was it the, I'm the name of the garage. You know, our house was built on top of a family of Armenians that, yeah, we just, it's a long story. You give you a Rolex when he grew up your bed? don't know. It's just all a blur. Meaning, so like the

Kardashian asses? Maybe. It was very soft ground. That's nice. Yeah. Going back to the spiritualness of the Far East, do you sense a lack

of that spiritualness that the Asian culture seems to have with their deep, rich history? I feel like there are much more spiritual people. Do you Do you find there's a void of that here in the U.S.A? For sure. We would really avoid a lot of things that American would do.

Like the feng shui, you guys don't give a fuck about the feng shui. Yeah. So the house has to be facing the south and sitting on the east for the good feng shui coming in. Well, that's why people move to California because with the earthquakes, they don't have to deal with it. The planet does it for free. I see, I see. Like the house can move at any time. that's good

that's actually smart saving the Feng Shui consolation so the rest of the country yeah but here it's all it's oh grata yeah also

the Chinese kids would never let their parents go to a nursing home there's a deeper reason behind it talk to me it's Shao Shun if you are good to your parents

your life get easier you get more money so it's like you have to do it for yourself wow you think we just care about our parents

I don't give a fuck about my mom she's evil but I will she will live in my house until the day she dies which can abuse me forever. So I can have my life easier

and more money coming for me. That's a spiritual belief. Yes. It's almost like a spiritual pay-it-forward. Exactly. It's just you have to suffer now. You have to choose your own poison. Either you want to be poorer

and be living in peace, have your mom in the nursing home, or you want to be rich and just hire a nurse to take care of her in your house and you can still get the money. Or as you said, just choose your own poison.

and put a little, you know, antifreeze in her blue Gatorade and she's gone. Well, if you kill her, you get more fucked up. Your son become retarded. Can I see it? You can say it. You can say it again.

If you murder your grandma, your son become retarded, you know, it just, you can't. I mean, I, I, is, you, there's the consequences. It is what it is. It is. It is.

It is preventing crimes. I think despite all this spiritual talk, what we really want to gravitate to is why is your mother? evil. I don't think she choose to be evil. She's a product of her circumstances. She was born

and her she had parents but my grandpa chose to die. He didn't try to kill himself. He was a hero actually. He worked at a mining company as a manager and someone was underground. They can't find him. My grandpa was walking home

for dinner. The manager don't have to go underground but the people who went in can't come back. He went in take one bag when he go back to take a second person it collapsed and he died underground

so my mother lost my grandpa when she was six and because she was a girl their family just all of a sudden become my grandmother she has tiny feet

she has a small feet when they ban the feet she can't work she was a housewife and now she has five kids and so all of her sons are going to school

my mother they won't let her go to school and there's no food for her and she would back for her and they'll give the older brother food because they are walking to school for two hours. My mom just staying at home.

So she won't allow to eat. She's being starved. So she just really bitter. And she sees me as extension of her life. So whenever I don't get something, she wants like A plus in school, she'll hit me with a big dictionary, like, you know, the heavy, like the big hardcover, Oxford. So I would have bleed coming out my forehead. She goes, you welcome. I open your third eye.

with a dictionary yeah and when I don't have the key to come home I forget my key when my classmate to do homework she said where's your key as I don't know where she just slapped the shit of me when you get hit

you might have been the you know getting hit in the face with a big dictionary you might have been the very first person on Facebook that's nice yes I think it's called

in trying to call lian shu yeah means Facebook means true. So I think I should have the right for Facebook China. You started Facebook. I did. Well, your mother did. So she's not that evil or is she? She's very creative. What's Facebook done for the world? Maybe she is evil. She started Facebook. Hits her daughter in the face with a dictionary. That's Facebook where I come from. Yeah, that's your Facebook. Do you get Facebook a lot? I got Googled from my father. How did he Google you? Oh, down in the basement. So your mother started

Facebook. My father started Google. And we both have our trauma stories. Yeah, but we have the trust fund. Yeah. But the money don't bury your sorrow, you know. Nah, doesn't get the finger out of the hole. No, no. Doesn't get the paper cuts off the face.

No. Poor angel. It's really sad. Yeah. So she just, she asked how she was raised. So she wanted to extend her discipline on me. She didn't try to hurt me or anything. I mean, I get slapped.

It's just because I was, it was my problem. I could get A plus in every category. You know, I could have remembered my key. I was already seven years old. You remember your key, you know. You're a minor. Exactly. And your father was a minor.

And isn't that tough to lose a minor to a minor? He didn't do anything. He just drunk and he slept in the couch and she keeps screaming at him. And she abused him for being drunk. So in this world, in this foreign part of the world that most of us will never know, where children are sort of channeled to take their, pain and eat it. Do you then come to a progressive place like America where everyone's got to dump their trauma out on a therapist? Obviously, you probably have some deep-rooted pain and some trauma.

Did you come to this environment and seek therapy for all these old wounds that your mother inflicted? Or are you still carrying the torture, the hate, the vile, putrid, well, the stuff your mother did? I just think that I deserved it I got mad at American system how they have participation trophy for loser kids that angers me So now you're stuck in the middle Do I keep my pain or do I get rid of my pain

Do I exchange one sort of thing for the other Yeah, it's been very painful And I don't understand when people got triggered by little things I just think they are weak and I want to help them But then I'm crazy So it's kind of like, I know I need it. You're crazy? Because of all of the trauma I'm carrying, so I have so much pain in my heart.

I see therapy, and I'm doing the treatment for my, for psychotherapy to help with it. So you are. Dr. Drew introduced me to one of the doctor. Postpartum depression. That one too, but also like as a PTSD. Oh, God. Because when you are struck as a child, you carry it with you. You don't feel safe.

That's what I mean. So now you're dealing with it here. Yeah, how's the Google effect? What happened? Did you get a trade for your Google? I'm still getting it. My father Googles me a few times a day. Does he live here?

Pardon me? Are you doing the Chinese? Well, the real insult is when he's Googling me, he yells Yahoo. And that's a whole different thing, Yahoo. Not He-Haw, but Yahoo. Yahoo. Not Hihou.

Yahoo. Yeah, that's not, that's really insulting. Yeah. You paid all your life for Google and he's yelling Yahoo. Yeah, he yells Yahoo when he's Googling me. Wow, I'm sorry. Yeah. I think we're both sorry for each other.

I didn't think we'd share each other's pain, but maybe we were meant for each other to open up these channels and maybe we're here to heal each other guy. I feel very, I feel healed. I really felt like a thing. Well, I feel like I've asked you about. about it, but I feel like maybe we need to go one step further and you ask me directly for an answer to something that's painting you. And I'll see if I can help because I don't want

you to leave here without some form of resolution. That's really generous of you. Please, I'm here for you, bookface. Okay, so how much money should I give my mom for her to stop talking to me? How much do you have? I mean, you know, every $10 I make, I actually keep $2 because after I pay for everyone, everything. And I just... Give it all to her and shut that Chinese trap on her face. Okay.

Slam that dumpling pie hole. I have to save up. Yeah. I'll just keep on saving up. Just shove bags of money right in her mouth and slam it. I'm going to put it in a big black box, fill this cash

and roses on top. That's my Chinese girl. Classy. Poor as you would say, crassy. Crassy, very crassie, yes Let's skip gear since we're talking about childhood Can we talk about something that's nice and fluffy and warm?

Fluffy and cute, I love the weather Well, was there in China growing up Because diverse difference in cultures from America Did you as a little girl Did you have your fables, your stories Like the Grinch that stole Christmas Was there a yearly story you'd watch on TV? Oh, I love to watch the monkey

King. The Monkey King. Yes, the COG, the Journey to the West. Is that a Chinese fable? Yes, a Chinese classical novel. Oh. And Honglo Meng, and the dream in the red chamber, is about a prince.

He's not a prince, but he's kind of like a prince. Does he play guitar? He doesn't play guitar, but he plays the heart. The Chinese flute, you know, the flute. Oh, okay. Yeah, he's the girly side of prince. And then we, I like to read and watch about the art of war by Sun Tzu so I can know how to fuck up people.

Well, that's not really a soft, fluffy kids thing. I watch all the, I don't have fluffy things. But was there one like the one? Cute ones. There wasn't a cute one like the Grinch and everyone's standing around in Hubeville? Huh? All the things that's like fluffy cute is the Japanese thing. There wasn't one Chinese fluffy.

Did your parents come in your room at night and read you curious George? or curious monkey king? I have the, she wrote me, George is no longer curious and, oh, the provinces you never leave. He's by curious. Obedience to George. Obedience George.

Yes, obedient George. And I was in Lember camp. Lumber camp? Labor camp. Labor camp. Lumber, labor, whatever. So George had a baby? And, yeah, it was a girl, so.

Huh. So nothing really warm and fuzzy. Nothing's fluffy. I just always listen to, I start watching the history and a war and Does that make Chinese? Three country war. Don't so no go yeo me.

Yeah. San Guo Yan Yi. You too. I'm just asking friendly questions. You don't have to go off on me, guy. Now, does that make the Chinese children harder? Yes.

Do they grow up with a hard exterior shell up? If there's no soft fluffy stuff as an infant, does that make Chinese people a little harder shelled and I think so we are not easy to be offended or uh well it's just we are not are you sure fatty I don't know I mean I am overweight for China but you look great for being you're not overweight I am definitely big for China but my sister got fat too so I'm my American standard you're anorexic oh I've love to hear that word say it again you want me to say it in a soft bedroom voice yeah

I think you're just about ready to learn how to masturbate. Yeah, I think this is the key. I'm drinking in the water. How about a ghost? Ooh, boo! Anorexic, boo! That's my Confederate soldier, right? That's my...

You're getting hot. Yeah, that's my dead pit. Wow, we've covered so much here. I feel like we're just scraping the surface. Do you want to take a little breath? Sure. Let's take a breath and have a sippy wippy, as they say in America. Sippy wippy, it sounds good.

You want a sippy wippy? I've already finished all my water. Do you want another one? I'll just have a beef jerky if there's one. You want some beef jerky? Yeah. You know, it's funny, at my studio, I keep water and juice. I don't really keep dried, salted meat hanging around.

While you eat or you can't eat, nothing left for us. Why are you grabbing your headphones? Adjusting it so I can hear the slip. Better slipping. Hey, Bozeman, Montana. Anyone out there in Bozeman thinking of getting some tile work done? You need some new tiles. You need a new back splash.

You need your new floor done. Put this on the floor. You tell me, Bozeman, you got to upgrade your heart. home sooner or later, you got to give it fresh, juicy tile. Maybe your shower, maybe your kitchen, maybe your bathroom floor. Who knows? Well, this is where Mason from AP Services comes in. AP service is a local independent tile and kitchen remodeling company serving Bozeman, Montana. bathroom and shower remodels installation for new tile showerheads faucets accessories they'll do it all man let the bozeman let the man at bozeman take care of you from floors back splashes to complete

shower and sink installations AP services is here to bring your Montana vision to life right now AP Services is offering free consultations. So, gang, get in touch with Mason. That's Mason at AP Services today at MontanaTileservices.com for quality Montanaan craftsmanship. That's Mason at Montana tile services.com. Ask for the M-Man, Mason, tiles, go crazy, get nuts. And don't forget to back splash. Um, okay. I want to do a segment that we do with all our guests.

By the way, folks, just so we know, before incredible stand-up comedian has specials out on YouTube, on Hulu. What species are you? I'm Canadian Oh nice You're Canadian

You're pretty nasty for Canadian Nasty In a good way Nasty is good Not good nasty Good nasty I mean murder Yeah

Canadians are the friendly Cereal Killer Yes you're sweet You probably Show the good hair And leave a kitten On the yeah Tell us where they can see your specials

Yes My special is on Hulu And Disney Plus called What Spee She Are You? There's only one special? Only one special. Another one on the way? Yes.

In the works? In the works. Yes. Filming it on February. Are you? Yeah. What's the name of it? It will be about my origin story.

I don't know the name yet because I was a dumpster baby. Maybe I would call it dumpster babe. Oh, yeah. Or puffer fish. You like oranges? Oranges. I like oranges. Orange's vitamin C is very good for you.

Is that what you're calling your origin story? Story. Origin. Origin story. Yeah. You like oranges. Okay. That works too. Yes. And then you have a stand-up comedy schedule where people, you're doing the clubs, I'm assuming. Yes. Where can they find your wonderful schedule? Get my tickets and Zhao Yingcom. J-I-A-O-Y-I-N-G comedy.com. J-I-Y-I-N-G-com.

J-Ying comedy. I mean, I don't even want to stop, but we're down to our last segment. Are you ready? Yay, I'm very excited. Here we go. By the way, before we get to that, can we do some walk talk? Yes, walk talk. Okay, because I want to know. You brought a walk.

A walk, like, what's the story with the Chinese? They couldn't just fry an egg in a flat pan? They had to bend the sides up? This is not even a real walk. Well, now you're hurting my feelings. The real walk is run in the bottom like this, like this. Oh. You have a flat.

It's still a little white, and it's white bleached. It's for white people. So what's this half a walk? Yeah, it's half a walk. It's not a real walk. Like, I walk away if I see a walk like that. You'll walk away from this walk. I walk away from this walk.

Yeah, I walk away from the relationship, too, because that's not real walk. The real walk is wrong in the bottom. The Chinese don't use a flat surface to cook. We have fire, like gas. Yeah. And you just, you take it like this. You walk to walk. I'm a real, yeah, yeah.

If you don't have a walk, then don't walk the talk. Yeah, you walk the line. You walk away. Okay. So this isn't a real walk. No, this is flat in the bottom. Boy, if I got egg on my face. I need to show you a real walk next time.

I'm going to go to the club and bring a walk. I can walk in with my walk. I mean, it's a fake walk. You can hurt it. I don't care. Well, this is real. This is an authentic Dutch clog. Dash clog.

And this is called Words from a Wooden Shoe. Ooh. In this shoe, random words, you reach in, pull one out, and see if it inspires a story from your very colorful journey. Should I close my eyes or is a very small? No, you just don't look in, but just there you go. What a profile. A fortune cookie? Oh, it's sort of like a fortune cookie, but it's out of a smelly shoe.

Food fight. Food fight. Whoa. This is interesting. I fight over food. Yes, we never seen cake when I was a little kid. We don't have cake in my village. So when my great-grandmother turned 80,

my grandpa, he got cake for us. Nobody had ever seen cake. We have probably 30 grandkids, just great-grandkids. And they have the candles, and the shang, the Chinese incense, burning on top of the cake. And there's three of them burning, and we can't eat it until the incense,

the powder on top of fell off by naturally cause. Yeah. So we're just jumping around, trying to taste it for the first time. I was already ate. I've never seen cake. So we're just jumping around, just like slapping the table,

and whoever is trying to make any move get beaten up. So the kids are getting beaten, they're screaming. There's the wooden slippers hitting the kids on the face. And I just went to the back. There's the table, you know, there's the curtain. I just got inside it.

I just stood up at my head. The cake slipped and it fell on my sister. So the powder fell off. And then I just sneak out. They didn't see me. I'm under my grandpa's crotch, I think. They didn't see me. And my sister got blamed and I ate the cake.

Nothing goes better with cake than child abuse. Yeah, I love the cake. It was delicious. I never had cake. It was really her birthday cake. I can't imagine a Chinese food fight. It's like, hey, buddy, here's a dinner number seven. Wack.

Oh, yeah. Here's a dinner number four. Oh, the Chinese food fight. The Chinese people fight for the bill. They want to pay for the bill to show other people they have more money. There you go. If you go out with your wife and I go out with my husband, And as men, your job is to fight.

Whoever pay the bill gets a blowjob. You don't pay the bill. Get the what? Get the blow job when they come home. What are you doing for dinner tonight? Dinner? No dinner. We're going out to eat, and you better pay the bill.

If you don't pay the bill, no blow job for you. Because you're showing that we are poor. Oh, I see. You have to show the other couple you are richer. If there's a group people, even there's like 10 people, the bill is very, very expensive. but if you get to pay your fight to pay the bill you are showing everyone I'm doing better than you

so it's a big fuck you it's a group blow job yes okay yeah all their wives give you a blow job not sure I want to have like a steak and seafood and have to give 10 people a blowy I might just eat at home

yeah you can choose peace but the Chinese food fight will be fighting over the bill okay before we go my tender love since we've been discussing your rich culture. Yes. Is there a final parting ancient, spiritual Chinese saying you can leave with our viewers that might be meaningful and inspirational to them? Yes, I think something that's Confucius, something that's very knowledgeable.

is a journey of 1,000 miles, start with one single step. So don't wait for the perfect time. Fucking do it now, you lazy bitch. Folks, there you go. Get on it. Thank you so much for being here. Oh, folks, that's it for today

on the Holland Highway Podcast. Until the next time, and I say this every show, but it means the most today chicken chalman baby and uh we'll see you next time thanks for joining us watching cookie no thanks i'm busy hey everybody how would you like your very own personal video message from me yours truly it's your birthday it's your anniversary at your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh you get to pick the topic you want you me to discuss give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get

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