The Harland Highway - JOHN STAMOS is our Harland Highway VALENTINE. Stories of casting couches and our buddy Bob Saget!

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

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devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. Oh, my God. Would you, John Stamoopolis, ecoloculus, smokolacolacolus, or whatever, however you say it. How do you say it? That's it.

Thank you. Will you be my valerentine? Yes. Thank you. And I have a car. What's it say? You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Harland Williams. I'm exhausted already. You are, yeah. We don't have to say, are you rolling? Yeah. It's always those things that we say. We're not, but we are. I won't, I don't lie to my guests.

Other podcasts. do not this guy you're handsome you know let me just say first of all i know i love you you're so fucking you are a genius i'm gonna get the compliments out now okay and are they real or just surfacey no no no no because i like them both we've sort of known each you're a genius too yeah sure we've known each other off and on for years right yeah i can't remember where we first met you want you oh i could tell you the story we'll go down that road but um just the other day we saw you at this movie perimeter that kately was in her wife and she said who's that guy so he's really funny and i googled you and this picture came up like this is the most handsome picture i've

seen of anybody let alone you yeah yeah you don't dude i don't know what it is about us yeah we you know we you can't stop the heat well he can't stop the heat yeah and has it been problematic for you like like in hollywood have you had to endure casting couches for real like of you yeah like of you you know yeah did it yeah He's blinking. Well, you know, that's Hollywood code for... Yeah, did you get laid out on the couch? Did you ever get pressured by a...

You know, it did from an, from a female, like an actress, early on, and we're going to say... No, don't say who. No, no, no, no. But it was, it was, that was a trip. And I remember early on to, my mother was very protective. Like, you didn't fuck with Mama Stamos. So I, for the most part, I didn't have... I will, by the way.

way. You can't. She's dead. Because I don't take threats. I'll fuck with mama's demos if I want. Yeah, she passed away, but thanks. Well, I know where she lie. Yeah. And she doesn't matter. I got to put on my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, some sort of underwear, keep up with you. You, you were talking about someone. We were talking about a friend. You said he was a little, had a little screw loose earlier, but you may have felt falling on the same rock. Wait, way, wait, wait. Let's not divert away from a casting couch?

The casting couch guy. I mean, guys like me and you, we get it all the time. Yeah, what about you? I'll share a story if you do. Let me hear it. Okay. You said you had a woman. I had a female agent.

Okay. Who wanted a piece of the beef. Who doesn't? You know, my nickname is Wendy's hot and juicy. I have a tramp stamp, actually. But it's a square cock that you have, right? Like the square burger that they had? Yeah, but I put the SpongeBob eyes on it.

Can we say cock on it? I'd rather you say Thunderhammer. Okay. Amor. Yes. What are you looking at them? No, I'm just, you know, I'm trying to tell my story. Go ahead, babe.

I don't need eye directions. Okay, babe. So I had a... Is this what people like about the podcast, just goof it off like this? No, we don't goof off here. Maybe on Rogan, maybe on Don Schellelli's House of Lenders. House of Lath. I don't...

But I had a female agent, John... By the way, hold on. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Holland Highway podcast. I say it in Cajun. I have a lot of Cajun viewers. Today, folks, John Stamos is here, actor, director, writer. I don't really direct. None of it.

None of what I said. Just a guy. Just a dude. Sweet, sweet angel. Yeah, sweet cheeks. Sweet angel straight from heaven. How? Harlan Highway.

Harlem Highway. Welcome, my guy. Thank you, buddy. I really appreciate you having me. I love you, and I have loved you for a long time. We've just never spent much time together, and there's a reason. well this will be the longest let's see if we make it yeah yeah you know if you if you hear this again like that means it's over this the ending but not thanks for having me thanks for having me

you'll hear it at the end okay okay okay anyway so you got molested by agent well i wasn't molested so much it was the casting couch and when you first get to town i don't know guys that look like me and you we uh we get it we get it thrown out i've been called beef yeah i've been called ham steak hot tits hot tits yeah stack them deep and sell them cheap yeah yeah yeah road hard hard and put away wet yeah Williams that one too rode hard put away wet Williams okay that's well I knew you yeah I heard that I got got that one in the steam room at the YMCA I saw but and then I'm gonna be right on your toes today bro I love it I love it so tender yeah yeah kind you're Canadian so it's easy yeah but so I had this agent I'm not going to say who

Asian? An Asian agent. Okay. Yeah. And her last name was who, but I'm not going to say it. That was good. So this one, she wanted the beef. She wanted the hot leg sausage.

It was right there on the couch. She wanted ribs USA every night and every day. I want my Harlem back. Yeah. Thank you for saying it where no one else would. Right. So she wanted to go beg and she got me 42 times. Really?

Here's what happened. And most casting rooms, you got a couch. Yeah. You got the casting agent. Right. I got a chick whose casting office was right next door to an IKEA. Oh, so you had to build the couch first? No.

Okay. They have 42 showrooms. Oh, so you had to go to eat. Every day it was a new showroom. And I got Hammersmith while families were walking by shopping. And what? Double the trauma. When you put yourself out, like, did you, what did that, was that Freddie got fingered?

Is that what you got after that? All my rolls. All you're the rolls. Every roll I got was getting hammer smithed at an IKEA. And the only upside to it after you're done meatballs. Fresh, hot, Swedish meatballs. Do you get to take any of this? This is from IKEA, isn't it?

Well, it's not, that's not insult. What is it? The Harland Highway. Well, just don't hit it that hard because it really won't laugh. So that did. So, okay, so casting couch. Yeah, 42 times. But what was one of yours?

You don't have to say who, but let's get some grease. Let's get some details, guy. I got chills and multiplying. Is it multiplying or satisfying? It's multiplying. It's both, I think. Well, I got chills and multiplying. And I'm losing control.

You're supplying. Ready? It's electrifying. Wow. Remember he did that? It was kind of creepy. It's electrified. It's electrified.

I love that guy. You want to go to IKEA? I really liked what you just did there. Cetatology building. you if you want when i was like the scientology building when i was a kid i was in this acting class milton getsellis it's in my book um oh wow and uh there was this hot like your assistant sort of like this gal named amber yeah this girl's name was denise and she was very flirty and she's like here's this book and all and it's just you know we're all meeting up you know

saturday at this you know here's the address you want to come meet and we'll talk about acting and stuff and i was like yeah okay sure you know she was very flirty i was like 16 something And I drive up and it was the Scientology building. And she's like, come on in here. And they were testing me to, you know, to, you know, to join the call. Yeah, it was a, it was sort of a gateway, this acting class into Scientology. And those still exist today, by the way, I've heard. Probably.

Because I know someone who did it. Yeah. And I went in. They were like, grab these, you know, two things. And I was just fucking around like a idiot, you know, like, they go, no, this is way. You know, a chairman, the wayback machine. And I had to, and I was grabbing the things. I was like, oh, Sherman, you know, like doing this.

I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Like, I got turned down by the, by the, by the, by the church. But probably for the best. Yeah. Although my career might be a little better. I'm going to say, I'm just going to say this. Go ahead. Great story.

Yeah. No real sexual implications. No lust. Well, the two things that I were holding were Wieners. Oh. Yeah. Okay. It wasn't a, it was an E meter.

Wow. Wiener meters. That's a casting couch. Do you find me funny? A lot of people, you know, say, oh, I didn't even know you're so funny. No. I would supersede funny and say hilariae, which even supersedes hilarious. Because it's I, so it's hilarious.

Were you close with Bob Sagget? Oh, the swag. He's been in this studio. Do you feel his presence? I smell him. He was actually here. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Bob.

We did a movie together. Half baked. We did half baked. I saw Coke for Cock or something like that, right? Yeah, that's a famous, his famous line. And then I also did, he directed me in a feature where I was the lead. What? Yeah.

Well, seriously? It's called Becoming Dick. It was for E, E, Network. E networks was, because it's called Becoming Dick of all things. Well, that's good. And it was. How did I not know that he directed that? Yeah.

I know he did dirty work. Yeah. It was me, Robert Wagner. Of course. And who's the famous girl from showgirls from Saved by the Bell? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Gina Gershonne, but the other one, yes. Oh, God, I know her, too.

She's a sweet gal. Amy Adams. Not, Carol Bernat, Carol. Terry Hatcher. Hey. Terry. No, her name is Polly. Annress.

Palli. Palli sexual. Yeah. Healing. I don't know. So wait. So you, at how long? I didn't know that he did that.

Yeah. Surprised. Might have been when we weren't talking. Wait, you had a fight with the sag? No. And we didn't like each other in the beginning. sure yeah it's hard to like them in the beginning no it isn't but it was for me and we didn't we didn't get you know you had clashing styles i bet exactly yeah his style was to make everybody laugh at

any cost yeah including just the crew and the thing and i was like let's put it in the show let's make the show funny yeah when he wasn't really hitting in the show then he just was you know he just went berserk with everything else and it was disruptive you know i mean i he turned out to be my best friend of right you know but it was um took a while Wow, it took a couple of years before. Well, I think if I, if you correct me if I'm wrong, but I think what also made it disruptive is he sort of had comedy Tourette's. Yes.

But it was people don't know this about him because he's Mr. Holsom. It was extremely blue. Oh, like dirty, dirty. Like we'd be on somebody. Someone get me an altar boy.

Yeah. Like he just like yell stuff like that. You're like, wait, what? Yeah. Well, how much,

he got, he would always get called up to the office, you know, with a twin, because there was a bunch of kids on full house. I don't know if you ever saw it. But it was full, you know, and he'd be sitting. we'd be at that long iconic dinner table and he would grab a fork and say I hate my cock and he'd be stabbing his penis with a fork he'd just do stuff like that actually close your eyes yeah daddy's having a fit of a fork oh yeah and it was disruptive but it was you know and then years

later a couple years in uh his sister got diagnosed a scleriderma which i'm sure you've been to those events by the way great way to start a podcast we've we're already into 10 no let's go and then coyer's uh sister had cancer which i knew about all this i And Bob started a big charity for the scoliosis thing, right? Yes, scleriderma. What was it? Scleriderma? You've been at these things.

You've done, you've done, you've, you've, you've done, you've, I said scleridosis. What did I say? He said hapidosis. By the way, all delicious Greek dishes, and we're going to talk about your heritage later. This would be good to just cut all this out. I'm kidding.

This moves faster than a lot of the other podcasts I've heard of yours. These other, these other, thank you, everybody. It's been great. No, no, that was a test. That was a test. Keep going. there. My God, we're good looking, aren't we?

The two of us together look like twins on a book, like in the cover of a novel, like on a horse. Why aren't we on the cover of Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition slash thong edition? I don't know. You got the tits for it, but I don't know. I got the roast beef for it too. What's that, your butt?

Hell yes, imbed the sailor. People have called you genius, and I get it. Genius. So Cooier's sister, my sister had a brain tumor and it turned out that she just had MS. She was fine, but the other two died. Anyway, the three of us really bonded on. I know you hate to get serious. No, I love it, but it sounds like the whole house was full of sickies.

It was at a moment. And that's what brought us together. Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. Is your sister still with us? She's okay, yeah. Oh, my God. Did they have to do a surgery? They did a surgery and realized it wasn't a tumor.

It was she had MS, and she's dealt with it. Oh, wow. Multiple sclerosis. for people who don't know. Who are you looking at? Well, I have seven or eight viewers. I came so close to dying today. And I'm not kidding.

Yeah. And I was like, I'm going to, I don't want to die doing Harlan's podcast. There's a lot of. You deserve better. Like, at least die on Theo Vons. Yeah, because he's got a mullet or something, right? He's got a mullet. Can I tell you, he's a lesbian.

I love stand-up, I'm obsessed with stand-up call. I can't do it, but I'm so, I admire what you guys do so much. I love the science of it. I love the word smith, you know, just the way you lay out a joke and stuff. Speaking of word smith, you've already pull vaulted over the sexual assault on the casting couch. There was a gay guy who tried to rub my shoulders. I said, I'm not into it. And I left.

That was it. And his name was, T.J. Miller. I was going to say Carol Burnett, but that's not a guy. No, that's it. I'm working with her right now. Carol Burnett? Yeah. What graveyard?

That's not nice. Isn't she? Well, you know any second? What? She, no. She's not even. No, she's vibrant. She's alive.

She's a comedy legend. Yes, I'm more. How old is she, by the way? I think she's a nice. I did a movie with her years ago. Her and Walter Mathau. Can you believe it? Oh, he's great.

I had lunch with him the other day. He died. Oh, God, I'm getting all these stiffies. Yeah, you've got to stay away from the cemetery. Like, where's the Harley going? He's going to have lunch. Where? Well, you know why I'm up there so much because I don't know if you're a fan of meat

go ahead but uh he died about three years ago last week we would you went up there to well you know you go up to the graveyard to put flowers yeah and i snuck in on the last full moon and i went up with a big pot of mushroom gravy okay and i just poured it on the meatloaf and my god it was i was crying do you work out comedy bits on your podcast like is that something you'll do in your act i don't mean to be a dickhead i'm serious about there's no comedy here these are we're telling stories Stop picking your eye. That's true. You don't pick our eyes.

So meatloaf, you poured mushroom gravy. Now, can we get, I mean, we're jumping around like a couple of whores at a Bakersfield Cracker Barrel. I mean, what? Let's get back to the brain tumor. Is that where they hang out?

How do you misdiagnose a brain tumor? They cut her head open. They got in there and went, whoops of Daisy, you've got arthritis. Yeah. My mom was upset. Yeah. That's not a small error.

But I'll tell you, it was a good, you know, it could have been worse. It could have been, oh, my God. She has no brain or something, but it was, it wasn't that. So we were, we were upset, but we were also relieved. This was many, many years ago. I'm so, I'm glad she's good. I'm glad she's, I'm glad.

Now, what was your first, did you come from, did you do stand-up before acting? Yeah, I started with the stand-up. In Canada? Yeah. Why are so many, I'll tell you, why are so many comedians, great comedians from Canada? Because you seem to all be so sweet and nice, but I think underneath it all, you're stuffing shit. Am I right? Yeah.

Yeah. Like a taxidermist, you mean? Sort of. Yeah. No, I mean, you're just pushing down all that, because you're like,

hi, everybody's nice thing. That's a myth. That's a myth about comedians that I actually hate, and I'm glad you brought it up. Go ahead. There's this kind of mythology about,

oh, here we go. Yeah, thanks, Harley, come back anytime. We'll see you next time. The Price is right.

Yeah. We should do a modeling gig together. We should, me and Drew Carey. Yes. Well, he could hold our clothes. He could be our dresser.

He got skinny. But here's the misnomer about comedians. There's this sort of this thing out there that all comedians are dark and suppressing father issues and anger and childhood abuse and all this stuff. It's not true. It's with some of them like in any industry. Like you're an actor, you probably met your fair share of actors that have issues. Right, right, right. You know, pressing down anger and competitiveness.

But I'm talking about your whole country. Oh, yeah, yeah. You nailed it. You nailed it. Cheers. But I think you're right. about that. Yeah.

There's some, but a lot, but come on, be honest now. You've had a lot of comics on here. You know every comic. Yeah. I mean, a lot of them are a little insecure. A lot of them, I had a rough,

they have a little anger. You know what? There is an element of that. I'm not like that. Did you have a good childhood? Great childhood, great family, great parents.

I got into comedy, not for any insecurity. I got into it because I wanted to make people laugh. Yeah, that's great. And so this is where daddy's at. This is where the hamburger, the hamburglers.

Are there other, name some other comics like you. I think you are that way and I think it's great that you are. But I think a lot of comics are damaged. But tell me, like this is a, no, but that's what I mean. That's the thing that's out there. Okay, tell me, I'll give you 10 comics that are damaged. You give me one comic that, besides you, that had a nice, that are no damage. Well, before you say that, let me.

And don't make any, no more Canadians. Let me preface it that I've always sort of kept my distance from the comedy community. That's bullshit. It really isn't. Seriously? If you ask anyone in the comedy clubs, Harlan's a ghost. I go in,

I do my thing and I'm not tightly knit in the comedy, not because I don't like comedians. I'm just a bit of a loner. Jeff Ross is your friend? I just talked to him. Yeah, Jeff, yeah. I don't know. I don't know Jeff in a deep, deep level, unfortunately.

If I came to one of your summer parties, who would I see here? Carol Burnett. Okay. Walter? Walter Mathau's corpse. We have a cadaver. He's not that great in the sun,

so we put extra like... Sunscreen on the stiffy, I call him. Yeah. But not comics. Honestly, you wouldn't... Oh, yeah, comics. I'll have comics up here. Well, you just said you don't hang out with comics.

Well, to have him at a little party, I don't mean I don't go out to dinner. I don't hang around and do writers groups. I don't do that kind of stuff. Well, why would you? You don't need to... Yeah. You're funny on your own.

Thank you. But you do have... But so, like, who, what comics come over here? My buddy, Orney Adams. I don't know. Bob was, Bob's been over to my house. What for? A little party, a little outdoor barbecue.

How was the experience doing that movie then? Was it fun? Oh, with Bob? Yeah. Well, like I said, he's a nutter. He's a nutty guy, but he was a competent director. For you to call someone a nutter. Yeah, I know.

But here's the thing. He was a competent director. We had a blast. Oh, wow, what's going on? I just wanted to take my glasses up so I could really game. into your eyes. Yeah, this is a lot, right? It's a lot, right?

You've got piercing Greek eyes. Yeah, and, uh, oh, what was this? Nothing. What is that? I just had an itch. It's like, it's like you channeled energy at me or something. No. But I did this movie Becoming Dick with Bob.

Were you a cop in that? Was it a cop? No, I was a, I was a, a struggling actor. Okay. And then a weird event happens, and it, my, my fortune turns, and I become this huge star obnoxious star and I have this butler Robert Wagner great Robert Wagner

and R.J. R.J. Yeah. R.J. And a cool story about him. I'll tell you real quick. I got one too. Go ahead. He, do you know that iconic photo of Marilyn Monroe where she's standing on the street grate and her dress is blowing up? Was he blowing

in it? No. Is he laying underneath the grate? Is it really love it? Is it R.J. Vijay yeah but um he told me he goes if you had panned three feet to the left on that picture he would have been standing there he was dating maryland at that point in time so every time i look at that picture where's waldo i picture robert wagner like right there you got maryland row and her dresses going up why the fuck would you pan over to yeah but i never know that they dated i have this i have frank sinatra's uh phone book what and yeah and it's like he carried it with him

and it's all his writing in it. And there's all these great... I love when people come over. I go, tell me, take a guess who's a phone book this is, and you can look through it and see, like, Sammy and, you know, and presidents and, you know, and so R.J. is in there. And when Saga came over, once I was showing it to him, and he goes, oh, my God, let's call him.

And we called him. And Bob said, was this your number that was in there? And he said, yeah, how to stay must get that? And he said, I don't know. He stole that. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, how did you get Frank Sinatra's phone book?

that's a little bit dude I collect stuff I don't collect African American ventriloquist dummies I do I see

I got a whole family so you think that so it is a myth that comics are come from a dark come on man no it's not a myth but to to blanket

all of them with that that's what I hear everyone I go oh all comics are dark and depressed tell me it's not true that aren't

well here's the thing five uh okay I'd say uh Orney, my friend Orney Adams. That's one. I don't, that's the thing.

I don't, like I said, I don't have a lot of deep relationships with a lot of comedians. Yeah, but you see comedians and you have a, I used to be friends, buddies with Norm McDonald. He's one of the guys I got really close to. And he was, he was a happy guy. He was, he was a great, like, guy. Yeah. Tell me about, he was the greatest, right?

Yeah, he was awesome. Did you see the podcast, I hosted the, the, the, the roast of, of, um, Saggots Roast. And Norm was in it, and he had this famous set where he just went on for like 10, 15 minutes. Yeah. The long version is on YouTube, but, I mean, they cut it down to a couple minutes. But he just said, Bob, I don't want to make fun of people. I don't, I'm just going to read out of a joke book. Yeah.

He did like that, you know, the great norm. He was like that, man. Norm would always find, if everyone was going down this comedy road, Norm would go off and create his own road. Did he do the pot, this Harlan Highway? No, this he, he, he, he, uh, He passed away. I just sort of when I got this going is when...

Because of the podcast, you think? Yeah. That was it. He's like, I can't. I'm either going to have to do the podcast or die. Smoking kills, drinking kills, podcast kills. Yeah. I almost died today.

Yeah, you did. Well, anyway, okay, so we got that. We did that. Yeah. But wait a minute. I want to talk about the Greek thing, my guy. Why? Well, because you're Greek.

Oh, Canada. No. I have so many Canadian friends. it you love it but you're that's like saying but but the greek because stamos stomatopoulos is my that's what i was it was i thought it was going to be stamos di andriolias it's tiliki or something it's never just stamos yeah stomatopoulos it was why do you just do stamos or stamos sorry stamos stamos why don't but everyone else says stamos yeah but why don't you do the longie why do you do the shorty my grandfather had it cut off just like his you know

like uh going through ls island and so they chopped it off and then so so stamos oh okay you know yannis popas yeah he's a great comic oh i thought that was a dish no i love him i love comics i love stan you do i've said that three times yeah you know don rickles was one of my um he's like a second father to me as you might have no way you have two dads i did my one died both of them are no. Oh, dude. A lot of death on this show tonight. Too much. Can we, can we- Why do you say tonight when it's the afternoon? Well, to me, it's always night because I'm a vampire. Do you sleep in? I do in a bad. Yeah. I sleep in a bad. Are you just because you're on the road all time and you stay up late at comedy clubs and stuff? Oh, you said do I sleep in and I just said a bad. I can get up

at any hour. We can cut that this part out. No, because I got to be up at all hours to model. Yeah. Yeah. Do you still do the runway? I haven't seen. I do the runway. I do the, the cat, I call it the catwalk. I was in Milan about three weeks ago for a fashion week and I threw my ass out. You do the turns too fast. It's like a like a hip thing. Yeah. And it's like I don't know if you're a science guy or a physics guy, but if you, well, look, and if you know the physics of a helicopter propeller, right, right, right, sure. It's sort of it whips and then the momentum pulls it around faster. People think it's just a straight do you do, no, no, no. But it's, it's, it's the weight and the whip that make it rotate.

Yeah. And I don't know if this has ever happened to you. You might not want to talk about it. I think it has. I think I know what you're going to say. Well, when you come down the catwalk, like I did in Milan last week when I threw my ass out, you walk down, you do the whip and you walk back. Right.

But you kept spinning. Well, no, here's what happened. Daddy got into a bean burrito. First of all, why you got yourself, Daddy? Well, why not it's the 90s? Let's go. Let's go. So when Daddy ate the burrito.

So daddy did, and just as Daddy was doing his turn. You heard a pop. I let one rip. And the fart whipped me around too fast. Threw my ass out. It happens. Unbelievable. You can't be having, daddy can't eat burritos before a fashion, big fashion show.

Especially with those assless chap things that you're promoting now. I bought a pair and I love them. Harlan's assless chap. Yeah. Yeah, aren't they nice? Yeah, this is improv, folks. They're great on a roller coaster, too. Oh, really?

Yeah, because when you bounce up, dude, you can just release the cracking. Well, you hear a pop. Yeah. Like, and you think it's a fart, but it's really your, like, part of your hip is just like a separation. Yeah, you go, spin, spin, spin, spin. Yeah. That person looks like he's at a dead concert. Oh, wow.

You know what I mean? Like a spinner. Yeah, what's your worst catwalk story, modeling? One of my testicles flew out. Where was? Yeah. Just one. which one right or left lefty oh mercy i hate that fucking you know and i've i've been pissed off

my uh my testy ever since where to go it just popped right out of the little g string that i was wearing i was like come on i'm so embarrassed yeah yeah what kind of g string it was sac religious and people started praying to my ball and um well that's why they call it sac religious that was a saggy joke yeah but he's dead he won't know that i do he won't know he any joke you do is that was my joke that's mine that's mine yeah now he's gone and we could do it By the way, he would do, like, a week after, play the music. Nice meeting you. You too.

Let's start again, and we're back. Can we talk about, this might be too sensitive, but you stop me if I'm going to throw it out there. Okay. You stop me if it's going over. We were both friends with Saggy. Is Amber still here? Amber's still here. She should do, like, ask the questions.

She's knitting. She's knitting me some new jokes. okay there is this veil of mystery around how bob passed right i've heard ridiculous things like he got hit by a baseball bat he hit his head he as someone who is extremely close to him can you clear up that mystery because even i don't know i've asked around i was close with bob but i still feel like i don't have the answer and if it's too sensitive we can you know i can hit the button yeah i don't think it's uh he was watching freddie got fingered i know that oh wow that's got I've used the same reference.

Yeah, that's okay. Repeat and perform, my guy. You know, he, I truly believe that he fell backward and hit his head on the corner of the, I think it might have been, well, conspiracy thurs, but I think it might have been in the bathroom and then went out to the bed and laid down and just didn't wake up. But it was such a fucking shock to all of us, man, you know. Well, A, when you're almost six, seven. six five yeah and you go down like a timber you hit your head right so did the autopsy say that that

sort of was the conclusive answer yeah and the and with the baseball bat theory came in was like you know they they said like it's like it would have enough blunt force because of you know yeah that it would equal getting it with a baseball bat i don't and i hope to god he wasn't in any pain or something but it was just so i mean he's a guy that you know was in your life all day every day. It was very bombastic with his love, you know, and to, and all of a sudden to just be cut off like that. It was just, just so shocking and still is. I, I, you know, and, and you can attest this too, like, I don't think he knew how loved he was. And that's what really breaks my heart, because, you know, he didn't think, you know, he thought he should be up, you know, Chappelle, like, you know,

and everybody called him a, and he was, but he was never, he just didn't, he wasn't where he thought he should be. And he would have got there eventually. think he was you know but um he was so fucking loved and he just didn't know it and i had a i had one of these great last meals with him we went we we double dated with our wives we went to no boo and we were sitting out and it was a beautiful oh by the way that just in case you're wondering folks that's the only place you can eat in town where there's no ghosts there is now but um there we would we were outside no boo no boo no boo Oh, I get it.

Right. There's a gay ghost there. What's his name? Blow me. Blow me. You met him? Thank you, ladies, too. I can't top that.

So it was a beautiful night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was perfect. He pulled down his pants. Everything was, Bob was everything I wanted him to be. Like, he was actually listening and he wasn't talking about himself. And he was, you know, he was a little self-absorbed in the, you know, sweetest of ways. Yeah, yeah.

But he was just so beautiful. he would drive me crazy because he'd like to take pictures but it was like let's take a picture and he was holding high and oh and you have to get a you know a drone half the time to get my chin yeah yeah yeah and he didn't do that and there was we just i just and then and we took a pick one last picture and i just picture him now like because he killed like he went on for two hours that night and went back to the hotel he called his wife and he sent her a picture of him on stage and said well you touch this up and she said you look so handsome you don't need it to be touched up and then he went to bed, I like to think,

and smiling, thinking about the laugh, because he just killed for two hours on stage. Two hours in Orlando, I think it was. Or somewhere near Florida, and near Orlando, because he was in Orlando in the hotel. And I just hope that he went to bed thinking of us and smiling and, you know, knowing that he just did a great set. From the time you had that dinner with him,

and he did that show, it was a couple of weeks. Oh, man, that is a great. memory. I got this weird call from my publicist. And it was weird because a few weeks earlier, he got this call that I died at a plane crash near San Diego by Amber's house. And is she part of the show? Does anybody know Amber? Nobody knows. They do know. What they do now. Yeah. So, so I was asleep in my publicist called my wife and went up and she said, is John okay? And she said, yeah, he's upstairs taking a nap. There was a TMZ called and said, you had died at a plane. Gosh, yeah.

Good Lord. And I said, wait until I do Harlan's podcast. Let me die then. More death stories. So then a couple weeks later, I get a call from my publicist on a Sunday, which is rare. And he says, is Bob okay? And I said, yeah, why? He said, well, I got a thing from TMZ that he's dead.

I'm like, what? The fuck out of it. Oh, come on. And I said, they got to get better sources because last week, two weeks ago, I was dead now, you know. And then, well, let me call, let me check. I started texting him. He didn't text me back. And I said, he was probably flying.

And then I said, he was probably flying. And then I. I called his, I texted, I started texting everyone, and then Candace called me and said, I just got this weird DM from somebody who, who showed me, took a picture of the death, of the police report in Orlando and said that it was his sister's, this girl's sister was a cop and said, Bob was dead. And just then I'm getting these phone calls from Kelly. I said, hold on, Candace.

And I flip over to Kelly, his wife, and I just hear her screaming. And I will never forget. I was in the parking lot by this my house and I just dropped my knees and I was going to ever since play the music

so we could and that's is this podcast about death? Yeah. Do you have you had anybody close to you die? Uh

yes a Siamese twin I used to know I have a very creepy story that hits close to home with how Bob went. And thank you for sharing, by the way, because I think a lot of people are kind of, like, confused about how he passed away.

I was part of all of it, the investigation. I saw a video of him going in, hit the room. No one else went in. He hit his head. And, you know, and like you said, he was very tall and he was a little heavy. And, you know, he was on, he would take Ambien, you know, or whatever, to sleep. I don't know if it was Ambien, it was one of those. And then, you know, and then he hit his head.

Sorry. So you have a... So, was his death around the holidays? It was around January. Yeah, it was January. So I think it was that week. My cousin said, let's go to a wellness center in Hawaii, like this fancy wellness center where they do massages and all-inclusive.

Like, no, it was like, it was like fancy. We put out a few bucks for it. Okay. So we go to the wellness center. And in order to go to Hawaii, I had to get the Vax. I had been holding out for like a year and a half, two years. I didn't want to get it. But I said, I want to go.

And then I was planning to do some other traveling. So we go. We're at the wellness center. Okay. On the day we were supposed to fly, I didn't sleep much. I slept two hours. You're nervous about flying? No, I just, it was like, you know, when you travel, it's like, I can't sleep.

So I get excited. So we go to. But you haven't traveled yet. I know. It's the anticipation to go into the airport. So we go to the airport and I go get a can of pop. And I'm standing at the counter and I see this thing like sleep. These little things you see at the counter at the candy store like sleep instant sleep or five hours instant sleep.

Like these little things. I'd never seen it before. And I go, I'm going to drink this tonight when I get to Hawaii. Okay. Because I want to be refreshed. So I get the thing, right? We get to the wellness. So check in beautiful rooms, like about 10 o'clock at night, I drink the thing.

I didn't read the directions. It was like this big and I just drank the whole thing. I just thought it's not very big. I go to sleep, bro. I wake up at about two in the morning. I got to pee. I get up. I go to the nice bathroom.

It's like a big, huge, bad marble things. I'm standing there peeing. I finish. and it's like a light went out. All of a sudden just went and I was gone. I just, everything went black. Like so, it's never happened to me in my life. And you woke up on the floor.

I don't know if it's associated to the Vax or I don't want to say that, but it was weird. It's never happened before. Okay. I wake up on the floor. Wow. Like drooling. I'm on like a marble floor, fancy place.

Yeah. And underneath the sink was this great big, like thing they hold the towels in, like a big wooden box. And it was moved. And the back of my head right here hit it. And I woke up, I don't know how long I was out. I woke up. I was like, oh, wow, I checked for blood, no blood.

I go back to bed. I sleep. The next day we get up, we do a 16-mile bike ride down the side of a volcano and back up. Like I just went on and then I hear the story about Bob when I get home. And I go, I just smacked my head on the, on a box, like full six foot two, wham. And I was like, whole, I go to my doctor. I said, should I be worried here that I, you know, because they say that Bob's.

Was it before Bob's? It was after. It was just after, like I think within two days. Copycatter. I know, dude. That's scary because you're not supposed to, I think the problem was he hit his head and then laid down, went to sleep. Exactly what I did. Yeah.

And my doctor said, well, if you're here now in front of me, you're okay. And I said, well, should I be worried about a blood clot or anything? Dude, it was. And when it happened to Bob, I was like freaking out, man. Well, thank God. When he made it. That's scary. Yeah, you know, it's like.

Wild. But usually those drink things are like five hour, like stay awake. You keep you away. Yeah. I found the opposite. Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's, thank God. You're here. Thanks God. Everything is, like, life is fragile. I mean, these fucking fires, you know, like we thought we had any control. We, we, COVID showed us, we don't. Yeah.

And now we really don't, right? Yeah. We're just vulnerable. It's crazy, dude. Food, fires. Food. Food. Well, I wanted to get back to the Greek thing because I'm upset.

But do you mind, by the way? Are you want to put them on? Well, I think I should. We're both sort of the same. Yeah, it doesn't, it's kind of the same thing. Those look good. You look like, wait a minute. I'm not kidding.

We don't, yeah. Now I get the picture. You look like. And I'm not even kidding. Look to the, yeah, you look like, you? No, Kevin Costner a little bit. Do you ever get that? I do, actually.

Yeah. Yeah. Especially with the glasses, look. And the background is, look at that. Or you look like Robert Downey Jr. There a little bit, too. You get it, do you see what I'm saying? I hear Kevin Costner gets a lot of, they think he looks like Harlan Williams, by the way.

Yeah. I never heard that. Look. So you know how to, you know where the, that's from your modeling days. That's where they call me the meat. Yeah. You know exactly where to look. Yeah.

And... Do you notice I suck the cheeks in a little? I heard the noise, but I thought it was the butt. Who's your favorite comic right now? Oh, it's got to be you. Yeah. I think Theo. Theo Vaughn cracks me the freak up, man.

He's the best. I haven't really... You've never seen Theo Vaughn? I have a little bit, but I want to... You got to see him live. It's like any comics way better live. He's not that he isn't great. I mean, he's hilarious on his podcast, but live, he's just, he's such a treat.

He's trying to do the, he's trying to steal the mullet look, which I, you know, pioneered. Yeah, you had the mullet going for a while. Yeah, that's the thing. Do you feel like, uh, here we go. Do you feel, how, were you nervous ever about canceled, being getting canceled or any of that kind of stuff? And you just, and the line just kept moving around and you were like, fuck it. I'm doing my act. I didn't care because I, you know, I came all the way from Canada.

We struggled to get. in. It's not an easy process for actors, comedians. You know, I went through all the legalities, all the stuff. You should have married me. Yeah, I will. That would have been faster. Okay. I will.

And you went through the legalities. It shows early, that guy. And you, so you wanted to, so what's your point? So my point was, I'm not coming to the United States of America, the land of the free to be censored, to be told what to do. I said, if you want to cancel me, cancel me. But I'm not sitting down. I'm not holding back.

What's your edgiest joke? that that okay these three priests walk into a bar okay why why they drink well if i could if i can tell the joke wow greeks sorry my mouth is unbelievable just a Greek attitude it's like i feel like i'm getting to siki from the moment you sat down the hirschi highway way okay go by the way can we just acknowledge before i tell the joke i'm going to say it and you can get mad if you want our Calamari rings just deep fried assholes. I mean, come on, guy. Bob used to say that he would, he would, he would, he would, he would talk about, no, he would talk about, well, I asked him to host my father's funeral, which could have, well, another death story.

Yeah, great, great, thank you. So, so my dad, guys, and I say, will you host the thing? And we were all very sad, obviously. And he gets up and goes, good, good afternoon. You know, tonight specials are cake and cock and we're out of cake. And that was my mom. And then he said, I talk about getting circumcised or something,

then he said, enjoy the calamari. So his was more of a circumcision joke where yours is just an asshole fright of them. Not quite as good as mine. All right, so three briefs walk into a bar. Well, wait, did you dip the, I mean, have you ever had the calamari?

And you're like, waiter, more assholes, please. And you did dip it in those asshole sauce. What is Tzikiki? Can we talk to Siki guy? Yeah, it's like a sour. cream and you can't say it why there aren't a lot of podcasts where i can say let's talk to tziki how do you say it to ziki so you just stumbled a little i don't care i don't either let's talk about the three priests okay these three priests walk i won't interrupt the first priest says can i get some

calomari ring what kind of bar what and that's uh thanks harland thanks for having me what kind of bar Calamara is like a, like a hot, like, um, think about it. What did I say, what did I say they were? Hooters. No, think of. Priests. Well, yeah, but they're serving. Colomari.

Assholes. Deep fried assholes. What kind of bar is that? The confessional booth? No. Uh, uh, oh, gay bar. Just like they serve roast beef at a lesbian bar. Come on, Guy, you know.

Let's go, guy. So we talk about you getting canceled. I'm going to get canceled by being on this show. Let's get canceled together. Fuck off to Milan and do the catwalk. We don't need this. We don't need comedy. We don't need Hollywood.

We don't need us. We don't need it. We're gorgeous. You're right. We're stunning. We're fresh beef, guy. I got to go. Did you just make a velociraptor noise?

No. You were like, you do a lot of voiceovers. Wow. Okay, finished. So three priests walk into a gay bar. Okay. The first priest orders Calamar. I'm going to be. Seriously? Yes. Seriously? Yes. Okay. The second pre-sort is Tatsiki.

Okay. You know what? Fuck you. I'm not going to let me. I ask what Daddy wants to do is Joe. Yeah, but Daddy's making this up as he goes. I can tell, Daddy. Zaddy? Ask Amber what a Zaddy is. What's a Zaddy? Amber? Oh, does she leave? Amber? She passed away. here. Amber. Uh-oh, she's on the phone. I don't care. What's a, are you there?

What's a Zaddy? A Zaddy. No, she doesn't know. Thank you, Amber. Okay. A term for an attractive, stylish, competent man. I just call that a Harlan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I just say Harlan. Yeah, I don't need any code. Look at me. Hey, everybody, my brand new book, Uncle Milton, is here at last. It's a collection of strange but wonderful short stories, and you can read that along with some of my other books. I bet you didn't know that I wrote books, did you? It's a little secret I've had.

We have craved with zombie stories, and we have journeys, people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life, sex in and Satan, where we explore some darker themes, and don't look under the bed, some Twilight's On Us stories for bed, time reading at harlone williams.com by the way also the smashing of the plates with you greekies can i say greekis because we're called canucks is that an insult to say greekie no is greeky cool yeah you can't say canok i don't want to i don't want to say greeky then oh canada there's a big beach boy run in can't make it by the way i told you this you if you freaked out you got mad at me

I watched you in Bakersfield at the Kern County Fair with the Beach Boys. I told you that a few, probably, I think about a month or two ago at the movie premiere. And I got mad at you? And you were like, why didn't you come up and say anything, man? I said, because it was a huge crowd and you were on stage and I can't just like walk up. Hey, dude. That's me. Dude, tell me how you got hooked up with them.

I love the Beach Boys. Are we done with the three priests? What got your canceled? I'll tell you the punchline later. What's the punchline? At the end. Just give me the punchline. Okay.

All right, I'll tell you the punchline. I can wait. I'll tell you now. Okay. Hey, look, it's Farah Fawcett. That's the... Wait. That's the punchline.

I get it. But we missed the third pre, so you never know the whole setup. But too bad. Oh, YouTube it. The Greekies get pushy in the middle of the night. What do you love about the beach, why were you in Bakersfield at a beach point concert?

I'm not going to disclose that. It might have had something to do with a casting couch. Maybe they built a new IKEA out there. But wait, wait, why, how did you end up playing with the iconic band The Beach Boys? It's unbelievable. You're up there playing guitar and do you sing too? Did you not see me play drums? Man, he played drums.

How did you? When was that concert? Like how long ago? Oh, this was probably five years ago. Bakersville. Kern County Fair. Why were you there? Seriously, though.

Were you in a booth? I might have been on a date with a little. lady you think how you would have really scored if you've texted me or texted someone who knew me and said hey i'm at this thing stamos is there and i would have text you said come up and sing bob around with us because we bring people on stage oh my god now you would have got laid on the ferris wheel oh dude i actually have a good ferris wheel story but i'm not going to tell it tell it no come on you wouldn't even give me a legit casting couch because honestly i never dealt with it i didn't have any casting couch issues a guy that looks like you and me you think and you've

never got seduced in the audition room or by one of your agents or... No. When I auditioned for General Hospital, I, it was the description was, um, we'll get back to the fair, the Ferris wheel. The description was, uh, Blackie Parish. It was a street urchin. I didn't know what urchin. I had to look up urchin.

What was the name? Blackie Parish. Was the name of the character? Don't do it. Don't say it. And so, um, it was for a New York street kid. Okay. I've never been in New York.

I grew up in Orange County by Disneyland. Yeah. And I thought, and I love Saturday Night Fever back to Troubilt. Electrified. Electrified. Yeah. Al Petito. And so, but he had a walk, right?

Stay alive. Boom with that little cropped thing. I didn't even know he cooked. But he was a good. So he walked. Oh, I get it. Electrified. Electrifying.

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Sadie, I'll come back. I love me, Sandy. That's a great. I? I. But I love you, Sandy. I said, Sandy. How long does this go?

We ended it about 25 minutes ago, yeah. That's why I love podcast. You can just talk. So, anyway, it was, so I thought I needed a walk. So I was working on, and I needed a leather jacket. My mom had like a longer puffy one, you know, and I thought, okay, I'm going to cut that. And, you know, but she wouldn't let me cut it. So I took this longer jacket and I was like, I got to work on my walk.

I need a walk for this character. So I went to Santa Monica Boulevard over here, the priests went to a bar and i was not kidding i thought oh this looks like new york okay yeah and i get out of the car my hair was feather i remember my mom like we used the curling iron on it because it was putting it up on a boy yeah and so it was sort of feathered and i was wearing jeans and i was like teen wolf hair yeah exactly and i was like um so i pull up to santa monica boulevard which is a you know boys town boys town yeah and um uh a lot of a lot of calum Marry restaurants there.

Yeah, and priests walking around. I went into this parking lot of this thing called Rage. I thought, oh, good, this guy needs rage, you know. And I'm driving, like, I can't even parallel park. And I'm, like, back in front of the way. So get out, I got the leather jacket. And I'm, like, walking up and down Santa Monica Volo, like, working on my walk, you know, trying to tight, trying to type my ass and, like, trying to do that.

And I'm here, woo, get it, girl. I'm like, I'm not a girl, but okay, thanks. You know, like, these guys are a cat calling. And I thought, I need, I need a bandana because Chachi, wears a bandana around his thigh, you know, a Happy Day Scott. Scott. Yeah, yeah. He was New York or so I went into one of the 18 bandana stores that I, you know, and I said, okay, I'll take that yellow one. And the guy was, oh, you're in luck today, you know, with every bandana, you get a free massage. And I'm like, thanks, but I got, I have, I got this audition. Maybe

I'll come back later. I don't know. I was very innocent. And I go in, I had this bandana tied around the thing. And I burst in with my, for the audition, burst in with my walk. They're like, stop moving around. What are you? I was like, oh, I was like, oh. Well, I wanted to do... Just stay still and read the lines. Okay, so I start reading. And they stop me again. Stop, stop, stop.

So you'd like to be peed on? I'm like... What? What? Well, that's what a yellow bandana means that, you know, in that culture, the yellow bandana means he peed on, a brown one, you know? What? And I just walked out and thought, okay, Hollywood, just piss on me.

This is, you know... Well, what's a polka-a-podot one do for you? Poka. Pocod. Anyway, so that's... But I didn't really have any other too many crazy... crazy you know wow i'm surprised considering we would we look so much alike and i've had tons you're potter you you you you say it without saying it's like hey come rape me you know i know i've just

that's the problem with great my sexuality that's not a word to be what is it great grape anyway so where were we the beach boys i would love the beach boys but how did you get hooked up with them did you just like reach out in an email like how did you end up with the the iconic group like the beach boys on stage. It's the next to my wife and my kid, it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. But how? Okay, so I loved them,

love, love, love that. Yeah. I knew the guitar player, this guy, Jeffrey Foskett, who was one of the greats. Yeah. And we were friends from, I used to go to Disneyland and watch this band.

Okay. And so I was really depressed. I was mad, it was, I was on towards the end of the general hospital. I was madly in love with this. The first time I ever fell in love with this girl. Oh, wow.

And I couldn't get, I was calling her car, couldn't get a hold of her run. I went to, her house and walked in and she was in bed with Tony Danza. Oh, God. No. Who's the boss now? Him. He was.

Whoa. And I was heartless. At least it wasn't Scott Bay on Charles was in charge. Exactly. I wasn't going to tell this story, but it's at the book, but I figured you'd have you could do a run on it. And that was it. Oh, thanks. I'm busy. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so I was so

bummed out. Oh, dude. My friends said, come. The Beach Boys are playing it. Um, it was around 84, the beach are playing Padre Stadium. Come down and I'll introduce you to them. It's after a baseball game. They play a set. Yeah.

When you hear fun, fun, fun, go down to the field, cross over, come to the backstage, I'll introduce you to them, and then they go back on stage, and then they leave, so you've got to get there, you know, at that time. Yeah. You're not going to meet them. Fun, fun, fun, fun ends. I go down to the, to the baseball field thing. Yeah.

And I go, which ways? And all of a sudden I hear this screaming, like blood, like, what? Who, you know, who's screaming? I look over and there's like 50 cheers. leaders screaming at me. It was like, oh, shit. And I started running, like, almost around the bases, like an idiot. And here I am in this, like, my jordan-ass jeans and my hair.

I look like a crow landed on my head, died, and I just started. And I look up on the jumbotron. These girls are almost on my tail. I run as fast as I get to the door. They slam the door, and the girl's like, wah! And I'm sweating, like, and look over. And there's... Tony Danza.

There's the beach boys. Just looking at me. Oh, okay. It's just nuts. Oh, wow. And so, and they were, because I was, you know, out of breath and freaked out, you know. What a, what a thing. Most men can't say that they were chased, stampeded by a herd of hot women.

Cheerleaders. You can. I can. But that's what I mean, most men. But what a special place to be in life. Yeah. Like, not many guys outside of me and you and Fabio could really tell that story. Totally.

And Mike Lope said to my friend, like, who's that? And he said, well, that's John Simmons. He plays drunk. I was on General Hospital. Wow. And he says, scream for him like that all the time and my friend said yeah he goes get him on stage and i played um i laid bob around with them and then i just kept um hanging around they couldn't get rid of me and

that was i love that almost four uh almost 40 years ago favorite beach boy song god only knows really yeah you why that one it's a perfect song like there's very few perfect songs did you love being at the show like the world you know with discord and an all time high and decency at an all-time low. Yeah. The Beach Boy music now is so, people need it. So awesome, yeah. It's optimistic.

It's fun, fun, fun. Surfing USA. It takes you back to that special time when things were innocent. People are boys and girls on the beach, a campfire, like surfing. Wholesome. Nudity. My favorite, little surfer, little one. Maybe it's good that you didn't text me that day.

Keep going. I'm just kidding. How did you get turned on by the beach boys? You guys have no beaches there. I think I just got completely turned off, to be honest. Sorry. They can go straight to hell on a wax surfboard covered with spam meat. All right, see, go, go again.

Little surfer, little, you know what, forget it. I love it. You're going to give me the John Wayne Gacy smile. I'm not doing it. That's very good. Well, please come to another show. We're playing at... I would love it.

In May at the, it's called the beach life in Redondo. Would you please come? Yeah, Redondo? Yeah. May 4th, I think it is for you people out there. Give me a week warning so I know. Does it warm up and stuff? No, just so I block the date out.

Yeah, you do a lot. How many dates are you on the road? That's not for you to know. No, seriously. How many dates are you on the road? How many dates do you do you? Not telling. It's for them.

When are you at the comedy store? Not for you. I don't need another stop. Fucker. No. Leave me alone. This is a serious question because I love comedy. What's with these fucking people in the audience that are interrupting the show?

What do you call them? Hecklers. It's too much. And every video on these things are like hecklers and the guy in comedy puts them down. Like, do people just think they could come and, you know, be part of the show nowadays? Like, why? Yeah. I just did a show three nights ago and a woman right in front of me just stood up.

And she just started talking. And then she sat down and I said, stand back up. I actually enjoy hecklers. That's what seems like some comics, unless they're going to throw a bottle at your head or break the guitar. Yeah, they're going to do that. But if they totally, their MOs to disrupt the show and ruin it, I don't like it. But if a heckler's going to have fun and they kind of know the timing where it's like, okay, we had a moment, move on. Those are great because that just makes the show fun and spontaneous.

And everyone knows it's not scripted. So it's beautiful. It's like live, I call it purecom. comedy. Okay. Because you're making a room full of strangers laugh in a moment that was, had, had no telegraphing. Just boom. I call it crowd work. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's what people at DeVry call it crowd work. And so she stood up and what, and what, what, what, what's some of your great comebacks to these hecklers? Oh my God. I mean, I had, I had, she was short. Did you do any bunch of can jokes? I didn't do anything like that. I had one at the comedy store once that I really

loved. It was like someone said something really stupid. It was a full house like 350 people in there at the main room at the comedy store. Okay. Someone said something really stupid and I kind of went, oh man, what are you, a retard? Which isn't a word people like, but it's in the English vocabulary, so let's get over it. Okay. So I said it and the crowd kind of gasped a little. And I said, hey, folks, I'm sorry. I used the word retard. I apologize and I was being sarcastic. Like I said, I don't care about the wokeness stuff. So I kind of said, I said, is there anyone in the crowd that's offended by that word?

And some guy way at the back, he goes, yeah, I am. And I go, why are you offended, sir? And he goes, because my sister's a retard. And I just went, sir, we don't use that word. It's just like, it just blew up. It was like moments like that, you can't like, you can't just get those gone unless they just happen. But sometimes, you know, and I feel bad like for comics

that have 10 minutes, right? And they're opening up for you or whatever. And then some jackass takes up five minutes. Yeah, that's not good. But if it's in the right time and the right place, a great heckle can be great. I love it. Okay, good to know.

People out there. Speaking of love, you know what's coming up, Valentine's Day, my guy. And I don't have a Valentine's Day yet, and it's hard to find someone as good looking as me and you. So in a straight way. Yeah. Did you bring something?

Oh, my God. Would you, John Stamoopolis, ecolacolus, smokolacolus, or whatever, however you say it. How do you say it? That's it. Thank you. Will you be my valerentine? Yes.

Thank you. And I have a card. What's it say? I'm going to read it to you. And if you think I'm not going to open this and dip into these pecan delights, you got another thing coming because I love candy. On Valentine's Day, you will. I have to wait.

You open it now, it's like cheating. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. To dear John Stemaloka Lakalikilas, let's fucky. And that's for me to you. Happy Valentine's, yeah. Let's fucky.

It really does say, let's fucky. Yeah. Well, that's sort of private. Yeah. Not anymore. It's Valentine's. And it's not in a calamari way. It's just like,

Like two excellent models, two handsome guys. Two catwalkers, one to the other, one slab of beef to the other. I'm glad you didn't whip out corn or some, I've watched some of the other shows where it's like corn. Corn on the Cobb. Let's do, let's chuck corn. It's very, you know, what is it called? MRS, MSR. MSR, is it like?

MSG. Oh, wow. I've heard about that. And people get turned on. They get turned on by noises. Would you do that again, by the way? Yeah. Keep your pants off.

Just. All right. Folks at home, if you're just listening, you should see him. Whoa. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what?

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com today and uh thank you for your support and i'll just keep the uh the groovy images coming what are you doing i think you're i think you're getting you want to open it up yeah it's not there's not cat poop in here no those are real russell let me just remind you what the card said fucky fucky let's hockey who oh there you go god look at this actually they do look like like cat turds. Would you like one? I can. I'm dieting.

I'm in Milan in three weeks on the catwalk with Naomi Campbell and Fred Durst. Is your mind always worked that fast? I don't know. Okay, good. You really don't want any? No, those are yours. Are you on the shots? On the what?

The Ozympic? No, no. But I have been shot. Yeah. I was walking down Melrose about three weeks ago and I got hit by a drive-by. Yep. Yeah. Unbelievable.

You have a bandana? I had a bandana. It was a polka dot one. And I yelled to the guy like, you missed loser, and he turned around and came by and gave me another one. But it was buckshot. I guess the guy was looking for elk.

It wasn't like, are those good? You really can't? Are you on a diet or something? I am trying to beat sugar too, but I can't. Who wants another Valentine? I do.

This one's a little more poetic. Do you? Johnny, night and day, I think of you, don't ever go away. Stay, stay, stay. Deep in my heart, you play. Oh, my God, let's fucky. And that's from me. I wrote that myself. And it's always ends the same way. Well, it's Valentine's. Oh, yeah, yeah, you have to say, you have to go, let's fuck you. I love it. I love it. I just, I'm so, I'm glad I didn't come at Christmas. That's what she said. So really, folks at home, if you can't, I mean, that's, yeah.

Are you ready for our final segment, John Stamos, Akalakios, Picalakiasigamakalukios? Are we covered everything? No, wait a minute. Where did we meet for the first time? Oh, you want me to tell that story? Yeah. And then I think, I think I know it. Well, we, oh my God.

That's my wife. Oh, my God. You got to take that, bro. You think? Yeah, take it. Definitely. Yeah, you got to. I love.

I'm on a podcast with Harlan. Hi, love. It's okay. If you could maybe give us some content because John's really struggling. He's doing great. He's doing great. He thinks that we look so much alike that we, well,

he's talking about our modeling career in Milan and all that. Have you ever seen me on the catwalk? She hung up on me. I can't believe it. Oh, thank you. I was stampeded by the Victoria's Secret Angels once at a baseball game. I'll call you later. She stuck.

She saw you and froze. Oh, my God. She froze. I'll call you later, love? Okay. Did you, uh, is she going to be jealous about this? I'm not going to show it. Yeah, don't show her the fucking card, dude.

So we met. So we were, we obviously knew of each other. And then years ago, I was, I think I was in New York, Conan or Letterman. Okay. And they put me at this really nice hotel. I forget which one. I had some time to kill before the limo came to pick me up to take me to Letterman.

Sure. I wander into the bar. You're sitting there by yourself at the bar just having a happy hour cocktail. I sat down and we shot the shit and I told you my audition story for my name is Earl. And I think it's the hardest I've ever seen you laugh and all the times that I've met you. Oh, my God, that's great. Yeah, yeah. I don't remember.

I have a good memory. I don't quite remember. Was that like 20 years ago or something like that? Oh, this was probably, I'd say at least maybe 14. When did my name is Earl come out? Probably 14 years ago. Yeah. And you work with Garcia.

He has a funny story that we were all, I did know, me and Bob, and somehow the Olson twins. And by the way, just sort of interject, the Olson twins. Are they really the twins from the Shining? Are they the same? twins, the ones in the hallway where Danny? They gotta be. No, they're not.

I think they are. Maybe. Have you ever been scared of them? Yeah. They are. So we were going to the comedy, and Bob said, let's do a set. I think he drove separately.

Okay. And we go to the back door to get into the, to the comedy store. Yeah. And you were working the door. And you opened the door and said, hi, guys, come on in. Something like that.

Wait, at the comedy store? Working the door. Well, maybe you were at the door. I was at the door. This was 25. Did you ever work the door? No, never. Well, you opened the back door for us.

And you were the first face we saw. You know, like back in the back there? Yeah, I sort of remember that. Yeah. I think I was just there. Oh, it's at the laugh factory. I'm sorry, yes. I think it was.

Yeah. And it was the back door by the bar. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And you guys were kicking it and then I let you in. Yeah. Yes. There you were the doorman there. You were just.

No, I was just there doing a set that night. But I'm glad you thought I was the, The work, the help. You know what? No. Don't. Don't. Oh, come on.

Say goodbye to fucky. I think I pissed him off. Have fun with your wife. I'm out. All right. Let me finish the podcast. We don't need you. Play that thing.

That was Harlan Williams on the Highway podcast. I'm John Stamos and I'm your new podcaster. A little funnier, not as good looking. But I still don't talk about assholes as if they were calling Mari, call me, Daddy. You know what, you are better than me at this. Now I'm double pissed. That was a fake DJ voice.

I know, but you know what? Come on. You joke, and then the truth comes out, you're better at this to me. Suck you and your heart-shaped candies and no, and you know what, this one too, guy. Can't even rip it because it's a hairy card. I don't rip that. How do you rip a hairy card? I don't know how to...

Seven pieces of... Well, it's love hurts. It stinks, too. Love hurts and no fucky. Yeah. And I can't rip of hairy guard. I don't know if you can. No, I'm not going to rip it.

I'm going to put it in my pants. So what's the last bit here? You got a Dutch shoe and a thing? So this is called Words from a Wooden Shoe. Great. These podcasts always go so well till the end. They go, here's the last... You know what?

I'm not going to let you fucking me over, guy. Have you done this bit with anybody else with the... I don't have to answer to you. your podcast. You tell me what you think the answer is. Now, I'm just kidding. This segment you're going to love.

This podcast was so good. And there's always like one last bit at every podcast. Like, tell me your top five winners. No, you're going to like this. Okay. Get rid of your hairy card. And where are you going, Guy? Oh, you love the sweets.

I love that you're going for the candy, but not the heart that I gave you. That hurts, guy. God, I love you. See, this is the candy. thing look at look at this exactly the same i want it yeah when guys like us know how to turn on the sex do you have a animal what's this hair from the fucking card it's from the card the hairy card why don't you ruin a good chocolate with hair i'm sworey that's all right you want to eat it i'm sorry i'm sorry no canadian i'm sorry so you know what you know our accent yeah yeah yeah yeah i love it

i say yeah yeah tomorrow Yeah, you're good. Oh, wow. How is it? What, describe what that tastes like in your mouth. Are you off sugar, really? No. Why are you doing this?

I told you, guy, I got Milan coming up. I got a fashion show with Kloom. Or Hyde? Hide. Heidi Kloom. What do we do with the shoe? Monica Schaefer's coming back. But only for me.

So what you do, my guy? How long were you married? Look. I'm this. This is close, guy. Is this one of the better episodes? No. This is probably the best.

Or in our case, the breast, because we're models. We got to keep it sexual. I'm not going to say the best when I can say the breast. Yes, Jim. We got to keep it sexual, my guy. Yeah, just like we, are we emoting sexuality? No, no. I am.

Towards me. Yeah, but it's bouncing off you right into the camera lenses. Watch. I think this is one of the better podcasts of this thing. I've listened to a few of them. Hold on. I was throwing some sex vibes. Go ahead.

You and then over, yeah. Wow. You okay, guy? Yeah, big guy. Welcome to Chinatown. So this segment, you reach into the shoe, the clog. There's random words. You pull out the word and see if there's a moment in your journey in life.

a moment in your journey in life where the word in the shoe inspires a story or a memory. It could be about you or someone you met. The final segment with John Stamos. The podcast are so good and then at the end they do it. No, this is everyone's favorite. They stay for this. Stay most. Stay Mosikalaki.

Did you watch the thing of me in Bob or what we're doing? We were spooning. Oh my God, the spooning? Yeah. Am I allowed to show that on here? Yeah, we can rip it off YouTube. Yes. So I texted you the other day.

I made a joke about spooning with Bob Saget. No, you just said spooning. Oh, no. I said, I'm looking forward to seeing you. I'm going to bring Bob. Yeah. And you said, we'll all spoon with him. Oh, yeah.

I said, he was already here. We spooned all night. Right. And then you said, have you seen my bit about spooning and cuddling? I said, what are you talking about? I go to YouTube. Maybe one of the funniest things you've ever done. I loved it.

That's funny. It wasn't. Can we play it right now? Yeah, let's play it. Do your radio voice and intro it. All right, here's a special YouTube video that did quite well over the years. Bob didn't like it, but he eventually did. It's called Cuddling with John Stamos and Bob Sagget.

Listen. Hi, I'm John Stamos. One of the most handsome men you could think of up the top of your head. Being a note of Lothario, people often ask me for sex advice. But guys, if you truly want to win over a woman, The real key is the cuddle. So it's my gift to you, here are the techniques of my patented Stamos Snuggle Fest.

You and your lady will probably want to start with a Stamos Souter. She lies next to you, her head resting on your chest. Not only will she feel protected, the pitter patter of your heart will reassure her that you're still alive. From this position, she could kiss your neck, caress your gallant chest while you run your fingers

through her raven hair. Don't be afraid to use your fingernails. A good stamo scalper will leave her relaxed and tingling. Next, you'll want to move into the stamo spoonful. It's a gentle way to show your lady what she has to look forward to later. Traditionally, the man plays the role of the big spoon. But folks, it's 2011, and even the most feminine woman can feel equally at home spooning her man. And be careful not to let your arms get trapped beneath your special gal.

This is worse than death. Instead, your inside arm can go behind you or above her head. while your outside arm is free to rest on her firm yet tender belly. Hold her fragile hand, gently cup her perky breast, or, well, the rest is up to you. Advanced cuddlers may want to try the Stamos swadler. Nothing brings you closer to your lady. And if you sleep with your eyes open, the Stamos way, you get to stare at her face all night long.

You can also caress her leg with your foot, or allow your toes to intertwine doing an affectionate little soldier boy dance. Feel free to improvise. You can nuzzle noses, butter, fly kiss, blow on or even gently nibble her ear. Perhaps the most important cuddle is the stamos stutching her with your fingers, lightly running the tips or backs of your fingers along her tender curves. You're like a cartographer of the female form.

You're exploring fingers are like Lewis and that other guy, mapping the peaks and valleys of her body's terrain, traversing her every womanly crevasse and claiming it for your own. With the right mix of affection and tenderness, my Snuggle Fest guarantees that your woman and will stay most cozy, I guarantee it. That's right. Bob, what the fuck? With the right mix of affection and tenderness, my snuggle fist, Garant.

Snuggle fist! Oh my god! Funny, right? Not yet. Oh. It's a long video. We could cut. Dude, shh.

Sorry. They're watching. They are. They're watching the video and you're talking over it. You want to see something good? Well, they're watching the middle of the video. Okay, I'm going to have to play it again. This looks, you really photograph a lot better than.

I look. That's why I'm a model guy. So that was the video. What did you think? What? Excellent. Hilarie. Hilarie.

There was a video, there was a song that Bob was doing in his act. Yeah. And it was right before, and nobody had heard it. And luckily his wife was in the audience one night. And she videotaped it. And it never got out and nobody's ever heard it. And I'm going to play it for you. Okay.

Can we? Do you want to? Yeah. He sung it with his guitar? Yeah. Okay. Put it on the mic so we hear it, my guy. All right.

Fill the time. I'm going to try to find it. Okay. So these three priests walk into a bar. The first priest order is Calamari. The second priest order is Tatsiki. The third priest goes, hey, there's Farrah Fossit, chicken wings on the house.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hurry up. And then Farah Fawcett walks in and says, hey, are you three priests? And the first priest, a Jew, says, yes, I am. And then the second priest says, ah, ha, ha. And the fourth priest comes in and says, hey, bartender, give me a micolove. And the bartender says, what does this look like a truck stop?

Why don't you order some Tatsiki the way the Greekies do? Keep going, keep going. Jesus. I'm almost there. And then a truck driver comes in and says, hey, I got it. Okay. Jesus. Seriously, though, this is, you'll get what the song is about.

This is Bob Sagitt singing on stage or at your house? No, he's on stage. Okay. And nobody, this really never got out. Oh, put it on the mic so we hear it. Yeah. But I think you're going to. Oh, this will be good.

commitment until I met my wife she was different than the others she didn't lie of where she'd been and she had her mother sparkle and her dad's strong and noble chin wait a minute am i attracted to her dad he's older than me and then there's the fact i love his daughter Mom is hot too. What would I do if this upset my wife? What if she was in the audience tonight? Maybe she'd understand, because her dad's the kindest man I've ever known.

And he's got great hair and beautiful soft hands. So what if he's the man who's the father of my wife about to be with her for life. Here's the chorus. It's very proud. Well, I'm not in love, I'm not in love, I'm not in love with my wife's father. But his abs are so damn cut, he's got a real tight butt, and I'm not to let her go. But I'm not in love, and I'm not in love.

my wife's father and so hot she looks just like you. Oh, I know. The memories. If there's, can I ask you two quick questions before we get to your word?

We don't need the word. We do. Okay, go ahead. If you could say something in all seriousness in seriousness to Bob, no one he's watching us right now.

Is there a message you'd say to him? You were loved more than you knew. yeah how about you i would just say bob i miss you you were so unique had such a uh exclusive charm yeah and you are missed dearly yeah and he really was at one point in this in this very room and so his spirits here i'm sure he's sitting down sitting up there laughing with us oh so he used to talk about dying and he said I'll meet you in hell

and I'll be jerking off the devil with his bestest gloves and let him in, you won't have to stand in line. Jump and Jiminy. But he's in heaven, I know it. Yeah. Live theater. That's your word. Is every one of them in the live theater?

Nope, they're all different, but is there any type of story or, I mean, I feel like you told a live theater story earlier about the seduction. But is there anything? Which one was that? It doesn't matter. It's not their business. Yeah, that's true. You mean, oh, you mean in your, in the, yeah.

Any, any story of any actor you knew or yourself or you were out of the live production? I said to my son, oh, I said to my son, the other day we were driving. We were listening, we were going to see Wicked, the Pan-Takers. Yeah. I said, son, do you know how many Broadway shows I've done? Because five, like I, he said, you told me already. But I did a lot of theater. You did?

Yeah. Well, gee. we go what did you do what what plays the first one i did and this was a you know jack clugman was a was a mentor of mine yeah and i said after full house i said what do i do jack i was a fucking show you know yeah and um so i went on and i never it wasn't a theater kid i don't sing grand i don't dance gray but i said fuck it you know what do i got to lose and i addition to replace matthew bradrick and how does exceed in business without really trying he just won a fucking tony like the balls that i had so i did that and then i did cabaret

Oh, wow. What was your role in Cavaray? I played the MC. Welcome. Did you want to hear a nutty story? Yeah, I've learned about Quay Cabaret too. Go ahead. I did, I played Carolines on Broadway, and they came to my show and approached me to play the

MC and Cabaret at one point in time. Seriously? Seriously, I didn't do it because I said, oh, I'm excited. What are the details? Well, you got to sign on for a year, and it's three shows a day and 50 bucks a show. And I'm very busy for the rest of the time. my life. But I sort of regret it because it's got to be quite the experience, right? Well, that show was, you know, it was a studio 54. Do you remember? Did you ever see it? They invited me to go see it. So I went to

see it the matinee at a show that night at Caroline's. I went to see it and I was like, wow, what a role because the MC, you really got a belt. Oh yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, the singing is one thing, but it's a very, you know, sexually charged, you know, that's why the guy was, I would think. It was pan-sexual. But when was, this was in the late 90s or something. This was early 2000s. Yeah.

Maybe they were searching for a guy and I turned it down and they got you. Did you, who was the MC when you saw it? I don't remember. It wasn't like a known celebrity, but they did a great job, whoever they had. Yeah, it was an incredible show.

Yeah. Part of the show was that the MC goes out in the audience and ad libs and stuff and which was scary, but then it got really fun because I sort of knew how to work the crowd after a while. Yeah. There was a bit where, where intermission ends and I come back out on stage

and getting ready for the show again and he's sort of talking to the audience and it was great because it would, you know, you go to the script it says MC adlibs here, MC ad libs, you know, and so you get to play around. But part of the, part of the structure of it was that I'd bring a girl up on stage

and dance with her a little bit and do jokes about whatever and then send her back and then I would go out in the audience and pull a guy up on stage and slow dance with him and do, you know, jokes that would, you know, make sense there. Sure.

So I was having problems getting guys to come up because, you know, they don't want to be embarrassed by me. You know, I mean, I would bring my friends out of, you know, I would do whatever, but, and so I asked the director, I said, how do it? They said, don't, the key is don't look them in the eye. Just grab their hand, turn your head, and pull, you know,

pull. And because if you look at them, they could look at you, they go, you know, like that kind of thing. Or I'd call it a salt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A salt. I call it a pepper. And so.

So I said, okay, I'm going to do that. So one night I go to grab a guy out of the audience, and I don't look at him, and I grab his arm, and I pull, and he's not coming. I'm going to him. He pulls me close into him. He says, I have no legs. My hand to God. And I said, okay.

And I said that I did the dance with him. I sat on his lap, and we did it there, and he was very sweet. And it was one of those, you know, sweet moments that happened. Dude. See? the wooden shoe never lies great story got more stories about great story

I worked the last show I did was with James Earl Jones oh Darth Vader yeah yeah what's it like being on stage with Darth Vader the Lord of Darkness it was it was at first it was intimidating

obviously and the show was a three hour political drama called Best Man by Gorbado wasn't Shakespeare it was close Romeo Romeo where all thou

Romeo whereas my inhaler Romeo my allergies are kicking up art thou Rome anyways That wasn't that But that could have been And at the end of the

It was a real show man Oh dude What an honor to work with that guy And he was the best And I learned so much from him And you know This was a real dramatic You know show

And at the end of our run I was rocking across the stage And I said James You know I called him Big Daddy Big Daddy called me Little John I said Big Daddy You changed everything about me.

Like, you know, people will now look at me with respect and you've changed people's perception of me. And I'm just so grateful. And he said, oh, that's okay, that's great. We walk out the door, the door opens, and there's a bunch of people out, you know, he saw him. Uncle Jesse, Uncle Jesse, say, have mercy. And I just, like, I couldn't look at it, right?

And I'm sulking. I'm trying to, like, run down Broadway and never come back. And he couldn't catch it because it was the guy with no legs? That was the one, yeah. and I was just like so embarrassed and then I look and then I could hear out of my ear shot I didn't want to look over there but I heard James could you could you say Luke I am your father you know and I look at him and never ends and we just looked at each other and that was it wow you might want to end on the on the leg story I just did we're good at all serious I know you don't like to be serious but you're a really gentleman and you're a good man and I have a lot of friends that just love you and respect you and you are a comedy genius. I'm not bullshitting here. The way your mind works is as good as anybody I've ever seen

and I've seen everybody and I love comics and love stand-up and you are sincerely one of the best and I appreciate your time today and I mean it. John, my goodness. Awkward to take compliments but I'm taking it. Thank you man. Very wonderful and back at you, you're a part

of the American fabric with your work with what you've done. You're like people know you. You're part people's families and I'm glad you came in here today and is there anything you want to plug or mention upcoming projects books a new thing on broadway anything you want to tell the good folks my compliment was was better yeah mine was sort of made up yeah that's true i love you love you too thank you let's fucky ready yeah ladies and gentlemen john stamos thank you so much buddy That's it for today.

Until next time, everybody, Chicken Chow Main, here on the Holland Highway podcast. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic.

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