The Harland Highway - JON LOVITZ isn't sure who's on first in a war of words and waddles! Calm down and Eat your ice cream

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

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and the mountains beyond. Then you turn your head to the right, and you see downtown Los Angeles. Then you turn your head to the right again, and you see Culver City, and you see Century City. And then, you turn your head to the right even more, and you see the Pacific Ocean and Catalina Island. It's the most spectacular view I've ever seen

of any home in Los Angeles. I feel like I said it, not you. Do you know how to use Wi-Fi? Have you ever used it? No. Oh. Do you know what Y means? Yeah, like why did you do that?

Right, and do you know what Fai means? Fai on it, oh, fie. Tis an unweededered garden that grows to seed. Things rank and gross in nature possess it merely that it should come to this but two months dead. Oh, nay, not so much, not two. So excellent a king that was to this Hyperion to a satyr, so loving to my mother,

that he might not suffer the winds heaven visit her face too roughly. Heaven and earth must, I remember, why she would hang on him as if increase of appetite had grown by what it fed on. And yet, within a month, let me not think on it. Frailty, thy name is woman.

A little month, or ere those shoes were old, to which she followed my poor father's body. Like Niobe, all tears, she, even she, oh, God, a beast that wants discourse, a reason would have mourned. longer, married with my uncle, my father's brother, but no more like my father than I to Hercules.

Actually, it's just a giant word. They have three words, faux, fie, fom, and fie is one of them. But that was a great guess. That was Hamlet. But what's the password again? Oh, uh... Did you record that? Yeah. Is it lowercase, Harlan, or uppercase? It's lowercase. just because I got to trying to get the schedule. Oh, do you have to do something? It worked. Do you have to do something with work before we start?

No, I'm trying to find this. Clear up your schedule before you do this podcast. We don't want any scheduling conflict, Shakespeare. You know how podcasts work, right? We talk. You have to... He goes, do Illinois and was... When you do a podcast, we talk and then, like, did you know that? Have you ever done a podcast?

No. Oh, I'm sorry. What you do is you come in, you sit down. In a pod? It's, that's just a name. I only have one date. And then you... He said you're big in the Midwest. Is that true? Well, why don't you try dieting? No, that you are. Your podcast is popular in the Midwest. It is. Not mid-chest.

Well, I did mid-abdomin. Oh, no, my God, you just slapped your face. So how it works... Did we start? Well, I'm trying to tell you, so how they work... I know you started. Well, you sit down, but then you got to talk. I know, but I'm trying to find the dates.

But you do texting and scheduling later, I'm not texting. Like when you're driving. Saturday, March 14th. Yes? Are you recording? Oh, I thought you were calling me that. It was like I thought it was a military.

Oklahoma. Yes? Downstream casino. Yeah. Wait, are you giving me nicknames or are you reading something? Saturday, April 11th with Dice will be in the Genesee Theater. Yes? Is that?

I'm doing shows with Andrew Dice Clay. Let's plug them. have the dates in front of you? I'm trying to find them for Christ, well, don't yell at your phone. It's just a caring, sensitive friend. And you're snapping at it, like a bastard child.

Be nice. Touch it tenderly. The Crystal Grand Music Theater. Whoa, that's a good one. Have you played the Crystal Meth Music Theater? That one's fun, too. Yeah, guess when we're doing that? Oh, my God, April 10th.

what April 10th 2026 Andrew Dice Clay and I at the Crystal Grand Music Theater in Wisconsin But guess what it says in the poster Ages six and up Ages six and up So a seven-year-old could go to your show?

Wow It's so inappropriate for us Excuse me Are there any other dates we can plug? No, that's all. Were you recording? Well, I'm not going to tell you that. That's part of the mystique of a podcast. Didn't even put my headphone on.

I don't even know what you're saying. Well, I put this on. Put that on. Have you done a podcast before? I can hear you now. Yeah. Isn't it fun? Yeah, I have a question for you.

Yes. The movie Harlan County USA. Yeah. Is that about you and your family? Just me. It doesn't say Harlan Family County, U.S. It just says Harlan. It's about me.

When did you bought that whole county? I lived there. And I went through my trials and tribulations. I went through puberty there. I lost my virginity there. I got my first fist fight there. I made my first dollar there. I went to my first church service there.

I did all kinds of things there, guy. So when you lost your virginity, I'm assuming right after that, was the fist fight or right before? There was a fist fight right before, but then when I did the act, there was a fist fight later. Right after. Like she punched me in the face.

I didn't reciprocate, but she says, hey, that was about the worst ride I've ever had. Can I have my ticket back? And when does this damn carnival close? And then boom. And then an uppercut. But she missed, because like you, I have no chin. You dick. What do you mean?

You know what? Well, we got no chin. It's no... You have no chin because you eat too much. I have no chin because it's hereditary. Me too. It's sags. You think I like this?

Well, it's a waddle. We should call it what it is. Well, where is it now? It's a stretched waddle. You dick. Well, it's kind of that, too. It's like a waddle it's called. Where is it now?

I think you're choking it. gone. But can you dingle your waddle? Yeah, I don't want to talk about that. About waddles? Your whole belly's a waddle. Look, I'm proud of my waddle. I could bend a crowbar with my waddle. Yeah, waddle dot'll do. You don't think I can't bend a crowbar?

You think growing a goatee's going to hide the fact that you got a waddle because it ain't. Oh. I was just joking. You can't do that with your waddle. No, and I don't want to. So have you been, Sugar Lips? Good, buddy. I want to welcome my folks.

Welcome to the Holland Highway podcast. I do guarantee you are the Holland Highway podcast. And my special guest today, John Lovitz, and I love it's. I love it that you're here. Thank you. Can I create a little fanfare for you because you're here? Yes.

Yay! Yay! Yay! John Lovett! Yeah! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! I get it! Well, I'm happy you're here. How often do we get John Lovett? Oh, you're all right? You're one of my favorite comedians. You're always funny.

I am? Well, except that one night, when I asked you to be the opener for my club and you sucked for some... Oh, man, did I suck? Why don't you tell her? everybody why? Well, it was your fault, my guy.

No, it wasn't. I said, Harland, can you be the opening act for my comedy club? Right. And you said yes. And why did I pick you? Because you were always funny, you're hysterically funny, and it was a big favor, and I go, I want a great opener. Harlan. Okay.

Who's funnier than Harlan? So here we are. You open a brand new comedy club in Hollywood. You invite 30 comics, like David Spade, all these people, Tia Marona or whatever her name was from Wayne's World. Tia Carrere. And she got up and played a ukulele for 10 minutes.

And you had people in the crowd. You had the cast of friends. Because she's from Hawaii. And it's the, it's the, um, they had that theme. Yeah, Lisa Kudra. I grew up with her family and brother David's. Kudra was there. Ed O'Neill was there.

Ed O'Neill. And then five minutes before I go on. And by the way, I go on last after. 30 people. Not, no, it wasn't that long. And you were funny. They were tired. You were supposed to be funny.

No. And then you go, oh, look at all my friends. And I go, yeah. And you go, there's my friend Lisa Kudrow. There's Ed O'Neill. There's Darryl Hannah. And I said, what? And you said, Darryl Hannah.

Right. And I went, dude, no, she's not here. And you went, yeah, she's right there. And you pointed to her. And there's Darry, Zachary Hannah in the flesh. sitting in the shadows, and she was my Marilyn Monroe. When I was in college...

Well, how was I supposed to know? I know, but my brain locked up. When I was a kid in college, I said, if I ever meet her, I'm going to marry her. So you admit you froze. I wasn't the crowd. I'll say, and I'm like, what happened? I know.

I went up to you, Harland. What happened? Daryl Hannah. Like you've never performed in front of famous people before. It was the girl from Splash. I've never performed in front of a mermaid. She wasn't wearing her mermaid costume that night. I didn't know.

I thought I smelt fish. All you did you do is look at her. I thought I smelled salmon. I thought I smelled something. I'm not going to touch that even with your thing. But I did admit that I was bombing. And if you remember, I admitted it on stage. Because I was sucking so bad.

I stopped my act. You know, you just feel. froze you weren't being funny. It wasn't the audience. You just were like, uh, right. I locked up. But then I said it on stage. I said, folks, I'm bombing and here's why. And I told the story. I go, Daryl Hanna's here. John Zachary Lovitz told me three minutes before I go on stage. And I said, I'm bombing because of her. Because of that. It shut down. I thought someday I will retaliate. Oh, here we go. And I retaliated today. What?

When I used your restroom. Oh, what did you do? N.B. Nothing but blood. No way. You pooed blood? Like how many pints? Like, are we talking?

You mean how many gallons? Wow. Can you do a blood transfusion from ass blood? You could. Pff! And... You definitely could. And could a vampire suck your arse if you do ass blood?

And I know that's not a squeamish kind of question. Well, if it was a gay vampire, I think that's what it would do. It would want the arse blood. Yes. If you're pooing blood guy, something's not right. Are you okay? I'm fine. It was just a revenge thing.

Maybe you need one of these next time you go poo. Jesus Christ. Like a crow-ball. It crowbar it out guy if your arse is bleeding when you drop a softie You should maybe crowbar it out. It doesn't I just did it here specifically at your house For revenge for the night I bombed because of Daryl Hannah so I do a bomb and you do a bomb Correct I don't want to talk about that My waddle's stronger than your waddle oh shut up

Well your whole stomach's a waddle. What do you mean? My stomach's not a waddle Gwaddle? Look at that. It just bumped the mic. It's a fine, fine stomach. Yes. It's a fine, fine, tum-tum.

Made of marshmallows. Well, let's see your tum-tum. No, I am not talking about mine. Yours is full of blood. You're dead meat. By the way, I had a red cross-truck the other day. Blood everywhere.

Did you really? See? Oh, that was a joke. Folks, John Lovitz is here, gang. And what a... Is it recording? What? Look at the screen.

There's nothing. No, it's recording. You don't know about podcasts. When you sat down, you didn't even know you had to talk. I knew when we sat down, I knew that you already started, or should I mention the shows... Let's mention the Dice Clay thing again. Again. You don't have to read it all out.

You can just so me and Dice Clay are doing shows. Well, Andrew Dice Clay and I are doing standard comedy shows together. Where? Well, we'll be at the Crystal Grand Music Theater Oh, wow. In Wisconsin. Okay. On April 10th.

And then April 11th will be at the Genesee Theater in Waukegan, Illinois. Oh, too, really? You know who's from Waukegan? He didn't know. Who? He didn't even know. Jack Benny. Oh, wow.

Very famous. All right, gang. It's time for some lifetime. life insurance talk, that is, you probably have it, but you know how much you're paying for it? And for how much you are being covered. Odds are you pay too much for too little. And did you know that if you receive life insurance through your job and you're unexpectedly laid off, you could suddenly be covered for nothing? Scary to think about, but simple to get right. Thanks to select quote, where I'm headed to sort out my life insurance policy today.

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quote.com slash Harland. Save more than 50% on term life insurance at select quote.com slash Harland today. Get started. That's select quote.com slash Harland. Get insured the same way I'm assured that I'm telling you you should get insured. Select quote. Oh, Rochester. He's from Waukegan. Wasn't that as famous? Oh, Rochester, yes. Then he go, oh, Rochester.

He was about 80 billion times bigger than we'll ever be. He was? Yeah, he was on the radio for 30 years. Then they invented television. He had a TV show for the next 20. Isn't it funny that he's that big and yet everyone watching has no clue who he is?

Yeah, and then he went, well, he's one of the guys had invented comedy and sitcoms. They don't know that. And then when he went into a network and he said the executive, I like to tell you about my next show. He was like 62. Oh, wow.

And the network executive was about 29. And he said, let me, to Jack Benny, let me tell you, who had also done vaudeville. So he'd been doing it for his whole life. He goes, let me tell you about comedy. And he just looked at the guy and put his hat on,

took out his coat and left. He goes, I'm done. He's going to take it. tell him about comedy. Yeah. And for those that don't know that are watching, can you explain what vaudeville is? Because that's quite an old term. Oh, my God.

I know what it is. Well, they don't. In the early 1890s and vaudeville it was a variety shows. They didn't have TV, they'd have radio. Right. They'd have theater, plays, musical. A musical was just

a bunch of songs. Yeah. And dance numbers wasn't a story really and then and then the they'd have dramas and comedies but they had um vaudeville was a variety show like an hour and a half and they have uh jugglers and singers and wow comedians but they'd have

comedians there would be the pairs so there was two there was never a single comedian it was a straight man and a who'd set up the comic and the and the comedian what about sime's twins Castell

What about him? Were they ever comedians? I don't know. I wasn't alive then. But I'm trying to tell you something interesting. No, this is great. So they had it. Yeah.

It was always a straight man and a comic. Yeah. And the straight man would go, what'd you do today? Well, today, da-da-da-da. Why'd you do that? Well, because a... da-da-da-da-da.

And the straight man would feed the comedian. He'd set him up. You know, and so, like, Abbott and Costello were the famous straight man and comedian. But there was one guy, he was the first guy. He invented stand-up comedy named Frank Fay. He was the first guy to go on stage by himself and do stand-up. You didn't know that. I didn't know that.

He also invented being an MC. I thought Frank Stand-Up Comedy invented stand-up comedy. No, Frank Faye. And he was married to Barbara Stanwick, the great actors Stand. For five years and used to,

he was a drunk, he beat the crap out of her. And the movie Is Darr is born, which they did in the 20s and then in the 30s and then they did it again with Judy Garland

and they did it again with Barbara Streisand and then they did it again with Bradley Cooper. They keep remaking it. It was about her, based on her marriage to Frank Fay.

Well, rather than jabber our waddles off. And he directed an emcee and, let me just tell you, And stand-up comedy, like you go on stage, oh, how are you doing, folks? He invented that. Wow.

And then, but he was a horrible, like you, horrible anti-Semite. Really? I hate Semites. He had... Have you ever seen one? This is how bad an anti-Semite he was. They had a show six months after the end of World War II,

and they didn't stop. In Madison Square Garden, called The Friends of Frank Fay. And it was the Ku Klux Klan, the American Nazi party, the worst groups ever. This guy does sound hilarious. He started stand-up comedy? He invented being alone on stage, talking in a natural improvisational manner. Wow.

Oh, sorry, folks, I'm late today, but I was doing this thing that I got stuck at the home doing it. No one had ever done that. He did it. Well, because they... And you know what an MC is? A meat cleaner? Master of ceremonies. Well, it could be anything. MC, it could be monster cunt.

He invented that. Well, how do you know it's a master of ceremonies? It's just two letters. Because I'm not an idiot like you. It's just two letters. It could be meatloaf corruption. EMC, E-M-C-E. You have to stay close to your mic.

E-M-C. There you go. Rather than babble our waddles on about all this. You're a fucking wot. Can we just show them what the vaudeville, Abbott and Costello, and just reenact the famous Who's on First routine for everyone? Go ahead. Hey, who's on first?

What's on second? I don't know. It's on third. Well, who's on first? Yes. Yes, what? Who? He's on home plate.

No, who? Who's on second? No, who's on first? What's on second? Exactly. Exactly. Wait, wait, wait, wait, it's on what? What?

Who's on fourth? No one. And that's, I think we nailed it. Who's on third bank? Who's on third? I don't know. I don't know. This is an outfield.

No. No's Chinese. Wait. Is there a Chinese guy in the league? This isn't even close to what they do. I think it's pretty close. No, you're... Well, at least we're giving them an example.

You're absolutely awful. Well, we're reunited. Why don't you take you and your blood red lobster shirt into the bathroom and add to what I did? This is blood. ass blood art. This was a white shirt, and then after you didn't flush, I went in and soaked this in the toilet like tie-dye.

And it came out with lobsters. This is your ass-blood. Well, I'm very talented. Well, I did the dipping, not you. You just made the ink. And created the lobsters in the bowl. It's called Batina, Batica, and I put elastic bands around the shirt, dipped it

in your arse blood. And I knew that if you did that, arranged it so it would come out as a lobster. Okay, then can we say it? We both did it? No. Why not? I don't want to. It's your arse blood, but it's my vision.

You're just a baby, you know that? I did it. You just, you'd used it. Well. Used my blood. Speaking of vaudevillians and juggling, I'm glad you brought it up because I've been working on my juggling act, and I'd love to show it to you.

I get these guys that juggle chainsaws, and bowling balls. Look what daddy's got. I can juggle eggplants like nobody's demented sister with a brace on her eyes. I'm all eyes.

Do you want to see it? I do. Five at a time, guy. Ready? Well, somebody's been practicing. That was very impressive. Did you like it? Yes.

Uh-oh, did I turn the sound off by mistake? I couldn't do that in a million years. That was pretty good, right? I thought so. Do you juggle? No. Hey, folks, let's be honest.

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Why do you clear something up for me? Why? Where is Harland Highway? I've never seen that highway. Where the hell is it? You're on it. It's, do you know the word metaphorical? Yes, a call?

Well, a call. You're on it, a call. Hmm. It's sort of metaphorical. You go down the Harland Highway. There's exits and entrance ramps, and it can go anywhere. And we're on it in California.

Cal if you ever, californicated twice a call twice a call do you have popsicle? I've had a popsicle do you have one in your fridge why do you want one? Yeah if you got one okay or an ice cream sandwich okay something

okay relax can you how can you just leave? Well can you leave you're gonna take a here's your camera here so you fill in while I'm gone all right well I am John Levitts and I'm on Harlan's Harlan Williams podcast, Harlan Highway podcast,

and I suddenly got very dry mouth. So he went to the fridge to see if there's a popsicle. Let's see. Where does he come back with? Oh. I got you a frozen dairy treat. Even better. Thank you.

A chocolate Sunday. Well, that was very nice of you. Well, you're a guest. Can I eat it? Yeah. Really? Well, yeah. Well, yeah.

Well, yeah. You're very hospitable. You're welcome. I said thank. Oh, you're welcome. I was about to say thank you. Give me a chance. You like Chocolate Sundays guy?

Well, this is beyond. Isn't that great? Did you want a bite? No, thanks. I'm straight. I was joking anyway. I wouldn't give you one. This is something they say down in Korea Town. Do you mind me saying it?

Well, you're eating, can I say something they say? This is a common question in Korea Town. I don't say whatever you want. It's your show. Well, I don't know if you like Korean or not. I have nothing against him. Okay, well, as you eat, you Reiki, Reiki, Reiki? Oh, that's just racist.

I will not be associated with that crap. I'm asking you if you liked it, but in Korean talk. They don't talk like that. What is wrong? I've been in Korea Town eating a chocolate Sunday on the sidewalk, and the parishioner who owned the dairy, Lucky likes dairy came out and he goes,

you, rikey, rikey, rikey, rikey. Did he really say that? Yes. No, he didn't. Dude, that's how they say it. I'm not just going to go to how do you like it, Boresville. This is the Harland Highway podcast. So I'm going to infuse some culture into your eating a chakurit Sunday.

That's not Korean. That's just a stereotype. No, that's how they, the inflection when a, Korean who speaks, Korean tries to speak English, and they can't say like. What's his name? Who? The guy that's, the man that said that to you. He's on third.

When? He's on, I don't know, is on third. Who's on second? Yes. So he came up and I was eating a chocolate Sunday, and he came up over my shoulder, he tapped my shoulder, and he said, you, uh, Reiki, Reiki, Reiki. Wait a minute. What?

Where'd you get this? At Petco? It's a dog. It's a pet Sunday. Well, then call me doggy because call me a bitch because this is delicious. You like it? Yeah, very much, very much. Oh, thank you.

It was the last one. Was it? Yeah. So in a way you're having, if you were to the last supper? I'm sorry. You could have brought me nothing and I would have been fine. You're having the last dessert. So in a way, you're Jesus, if we ever got to see him have dessert.

In a way? Well, we never seen. First of all, Jesus was a Jew. Secondly, you think his name as a Jewish guy, you've heard of a Jewish guy named Jesus Christ? No. What? Less Jewish name.

Larry? Sounding as Jesus Christ. Oh. His name was probably like Jacob Cohen. It was? What's wrong with Jesus Christ? I just don't, have you, I've never met a Jew named Jesus Christ.

Well, it's like, have you ever met a German guy named Hitler? Once, some names get used up. I never met him, but, you know. Yes. There's no Hitler. There's no more Hitler. There's no more Jesus Christ. Some names get used up on the first shot.

I don't buy it. Have you ever been at the mall and bumped into Pontius Pilot? No. No, but his family had that name. I know, but you don't meet Pontius Pilot unless you're flying spirit airways, and then you might. Oh, did you ever meet a Mexican named Moussay Tong? What kind of tongue? Yeah, no.

He's on third. Wait. I don't know. It's on second. It's on third. What? Is at home plate. First base.

But here's what, you're doing something very important now. In a biblical context. Eating your Sunday? All we talked about in history, in the Bible, is the last supper. No one ever talks about the last dessert, and here you are. And ironically, I'm eating it on Sunday, which is when you go to church. Today's Monday guy. I know, but I'm just saying.

I will so pretend this is Sunday. I'm eating the Sunday, amen. You know what's interesting because... I meant I'm eating a Sunday. On a Sunday. And Sunday is the day you go to church. But we could say it's Sunday because air tells... You can't tell with air.

Like, is this Friday air or is this Thursday air? I don't know. It's your show. Well, it's air. So why don't we just say... Because it's invisible. You're an air with that waddle chin. We'll say... We'll say it Sunday.

All right. Because you can't differentiate this air from any other day of the week. This thing is really delicious. Well, say it like you're Jesus. I tell you that Sunday's delicious. You're Italian? But? Jesus wasn't Italian, was he?

He was a Jewish rabbi. And by the way, if you're Italian, you could never do this because you have a waddle. You, son of a bitch. Would you let it go already? Well, we both. have it and you do that and it just keeps going, it goes right up your face. Fucking marshmallow belly head.

You try to give someone the fungula and when you have a waddle, it just goes right up your face. But if you have an Italian chin, it goes off like fungula. But when we do it, it's like, God damn waddle. By the way, I named my waddle.

When you walk you waddle. I do? No, but I do. Yeah. But you're... Are we having a waddle fight right now? I loved you in Ghostbusters. With your marshmallow belly.

Look, when I go fishing, I don't cast. I dive, like a pelican. Can you use that for bait? I named my chin, my waddle, because in the Indian culture, I named my waddle Igabal Hasnu, or an Indian dialect, Igabal Hasnuman. Oh, you mean Indian from India?

East India. Because their names have second meaning. Very often an Indian name, you say it, but it also means golden sunrise, flaming dragon. My Igabal Hasnu means he with strong chin. Igabal Hasnu? Yes. I mean, yes. You just addressed my wattle.

You know what's funny is people going, oh, he just made that up, but he didn't. Right. Igabal Hasnu. No, Igabal. What did you say? What'd you say? Say it right. You're talking to my waddle. What did you? You said Ig ball. It's Igaball.

I thought you said something else. Whoa, guy. Well, it sounded like him. What did it sound like? Are you being an anti-Semite right now? Oh, dude. We'll play it back to see what it sounded like. Jesus Christ. I'm working on my waddle. I'm working on this.

Do you work on your face? Are you working on your act? I'm acting right now, maybe. Acting like a fool. I'm trying to act funny. Gee, I wish you would have done that at my club. You know what? I'm this close to sucking this eggplant.

Keep it up, guy, and I'll suck an eggplant right in your face. I will suck this thing so hard I turn purple. Well, it was just... You're one of the funniest comedians I've ever seen. So funny. How funny. I said, Harlan, I'd be honored if you... I know, I said yes immediately.

You called me up? I was like, yes. I didn't know you'd put Daryl Hanna in there. You got to understand, buddy. I went to see Blade Runner in college. And Daryl Hanna walked out of the mist in fishnet stockings and blonde hair and thin as a rail and curvy.

Yes, but she was acting. I know, but she blew my mind. And so she was my adolescent. and crush. And when I told all my college buddies, if I ever meet her one day, I'm going to marry her. Well, here's my question. So it blew my mind. I short-circuited. Did you meet her at that night? So afterwards, because on stage, I did blame her in sort of a funny way, but I confessed to the crowd. I was bombing, and it was because of dare. And I told the story, she was my college crust, and I was short-circuiting. And afterwards, you took me over to meet her. And we went up, and

and I said, Darrell, you ruined my act, and I smiled, and she hugged me and said, you're cute. And I just about melted like, remember when they threw the water on the wicked witch and Wizard of Oz? Yes. I almost melted into the ground. What a world! What a world! I'm melting! But I didn't want to melt all over your brand new club.

Thank you. And then what happened? And then she left, and I think she married Jackson Brown or Neil Young or something. And I'm Canadian, so is he. Why couldn't you've married me? Well, you should ask for a number. I suppose that's my fault, too. Yes, it was.

Oh, for God's sake. Do you ever take responsibility for your actions? Ever? I timed it with your thing. Try it again. I'll do it again. Who are those two people? Are those relatives of yours?

Easy guy, easy. We don't want any of that anti-semit garbage. Well, who is that? They're just, it's odd. Nice, try it. So you tried to divert my attention with the art, tried to stuff the dog food Sunday in your mouth. What is it?

I can't do it until you do it. Now I'm stuck. I'm too good. I'm working on my waddle. Have you done any cosmetic surgery? Be honest. It's Hollywood guy. You're a big star.

I did in the sense of I got a tattoo. Where and what? What is it? I got a tattoo on my dick of a really huge dick. How big? Huge. Like how much bigger than your, like how would it fit on your little one? It just, I don't know.

I didn't do the tattoo, but it worked. Well, I got a tattoo of a giraffe sleeping on a beanbag chair. I was an inch, and now it's 10. You got a 10-inch tattoo on an inch of real estate. Well, I didn't do it. How is this possible? I don't know, but it works. Okay, so let's say you have a tattoo of a weenus on your penis.

Is the original canvas circumcised or uncirked? I'm Jewish, so clearly I'm circumcised. You're what? You're Jewish. Me too. You are not. Sure as hell I am. Really?

Yeah. All right. What is... Do you speak Hebrew? Sure. Okay. What does this mean? Word mean, Ken.

It's a doll that married Barbie. That's what it means in Hebrew, Ken. What do Loh mean? It's part of a Chinese dish, Lomaine. Ma. That's the opposite to Pa. Wrong on all accounts. I told you I'm Jewish. What are you thinking?

Ken means yes. Low means no. And Ma means what? What part of Jewish? Ma Ken Lowe. What yes, no. What kind of off-track bedding, coconut cream pie, turkey terriaki Jew are you? Learn to speak. What kind of a lobster butt schmeg, covered dick-nosed

that's just a chicken tape you're speaking he poop not hebrew bro this that's anyways I'm getting um Botoxed and every 20 minutes I got to do an injection if you'll indulge me I'm getting my forehead this is

have you ever heard of these fat injections yeah look at my face my friend friend share donated fat from her arse, from her buttocks. This is shares. And now you're going to inject it into your face? Well, I have to do it every 20 minutes just to stay young. Don't get it on me.

What are you talking about? Oh. I'm just trying to stay young, guy. This is Hollywood. It's working. Right. Why do you look so surprised? No, because I didn't know if it was going to work that quickly.

What do you think? You look 10 years younger. Right. And if I shoot... And you look like a man just jacked off on your face, too. Okay, come on. But you look younger. Come on, guy.

Well, you can't have everything. Come on. You got to take the good with the bad. And I keep my waddle tight. Look at this. I do a shot in the waddle. And I'm fucking ready to go. Oh, well, a little bit messy.

But anyways, what are you doing? I was playing tennis earlier. Oh, yeah. You play tennis. and golf. Yeah, not well, but golf, he's horrible. How long you've been playing tennis?

Let's go there. Since I'm eight years old. Really? Eight years old? You could go see one of your own shows. My dad got me into it. Was he good? He was pretty good.

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Well, I would play, you know, back then in the 60s, everybody played baseball, Little League. So I was really into base. I wanted to be Willie May as a baseball player. But I would play tennis for a couple of weeks and stuff for six months. But about in 1988, I was doing a movie. While I was staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel, as well, I was lensing a pick. Hotel dropper. And I want to take a tennis lesson.

I took a lesson with Wimbledon champion, Alex Lomato, and in two weeks I got so much better, I thought, well, what if I didn't stop? How good could I get? And I haven't stopped since. Wait, so why haven't we ever played? I love playing tennis. You've never played me. Don't have to. I can look at you. What? Why would you say that guy? I'm a really good tennis player. Mm-mm. Do you play racquetball?

I have. And? I thought I was good, and I played Al Franken. He's good? Yeah, he killed me. Then he goes, I thought you said he were good. I thought you were to beat me really bad. Wow.

I said, I am good, but you're really good. But he won, and he kept complaining. I go, you were like the sorst winner I've ever met. You won, and you're complaining. You think you'll end the friendship? I would end the friendship with a guy if he said that to me. Are you getting out of the Frankl business? No, I love Al.

Yeah, but I think there's some animosity. There was some hatred. I think it's time to end the... Dissolve the friendship. Al was one of the people that hired me for Sarenet Island. I know, but if you could listen to me... You know what he said? Can you listen to me?

Dissolve the friendship. I haven't seen him in years, but do you know what he said? The? When I got Sarenet Live, I said, why did you pick me? Yeah. He said, you are everything we didn't want. in one person. I went, oh, he goes,

but you were funny. I said, oh, thanks and a lot. Now, are you familiar with the term passive-aggressive? Because that sounded like the... Yes. The answer is yes, no. That's what you...

If someone asks you, are familiar with passive-aggressive, you go, yes, no. No, I'm very familiar with it. You dick! Whoa! That's a... fifth time you've called me the D word.

I was trying to be passive aggressive. Well, you keep bringing up, you know what. What? He's on third. Who's on what's on second? You're trying to get your face in or eating a thing of ice cream isn't going to help.

What do you mean? Nothing. Can we tell the folks that we worked on a show together? I don't even know if you remember. Do you remember the show we did together. Mr. Box Office? No. We didn't have

scenes together, but we were guest stars that week on the same show. It was a big NBC production, but we never had lines together, but we were the guest stars with concurrent stories running throughout the episode.

What show? I don't remember. Vegas. Remember with James Kahn? Yeah. Oh, you were on that? You were like the suicidal like gambler guy, and I was the new security guy. Oh. Wow, that hurts, guy.

That really cuts deep. That's going to make me want to snap an eggplant. When did you know? I have to get out my aggression. When did you know we were on the show to get? No, don't. Don't. I've got to get the hostility.

I'm going to snap an eggplant. Kill it. Oh, my God. Who knew an eggplant looked like that inside? Where's the yolk? Have you ever seen a split-up an eggplant? No, that's horrible. How would you do that?

I was getting my aggression out because you acted like my acting career had no validity. I said, we were in the same show together and you go, no. No, we were on the same show together. So how many times did you do, Vegas? Once. You know what? They never brought you back, huh? Laugh it up, Sparky.

They brought me back. three times. That's how good I was the first time. You son of a... I can't do it. You son of a bitch! Do you know what you look like right now? What?

Something good, I hope. Then you just auditioned for Jamie Misada. From the laugh factory. What's the project? I was not. in the room. I hope you got the job. You made me do this and I don't like that. Because you, you devalued my acting career.

You spit on me. You cut me open and then poured salt and iodine in my wound. Yeah, well, you started it with the crack about my chin, you fuck. I said Waddle. You get back what you delivered. You get it right back in your cum-covered face. Jesus Christ, that is. That is hilarious. I hope you folks can see his face.

If you're listening to this, you need to watch it. Dude, I'm just trying to stay younger. It's like you just sneezed out a big ball of sperm out of your goddamn nose. What the hell? It just dropped off my love. You'll just do anything. Yeah. Somebody shot their load on the ceiling and on your face.

Damn it. Jesus. You made me do it because you made me feel insured. I'm normally as confident as a crocodile sucking sea turtle shells out of a San Francisco salami shop. No, but seriously, how many times did you do Vegas? I'm going to snap another egg plant once. Oh. What did you do?

Three. They kept bringing me back. They almost made me irregular. They were thinking about it anyway. Damn it, I can't snap another eggplant. Anyway, how have you been? Well, wait a minute, because we're both actors, at least I thought I was. I want to talk.

Well, you are. You starred in your own movie, didn't you? I know, but when you disqualified me from the whole acting game... I didn't disqualify you. It felt like you shut me down. I just said, how many times did you do Vegas? Excuse me. How many times did you do it?

Once. Oh, that's it? Love it So have you been Pretty good, how about you? Hello? Hello? John?

What? How are you? Fine. Listen, I wanted to see if you can tell me Who's on third? No, I don't know is on third. Who's on first? Where?

Outfield. What? On second. What's on second? Yes. But who's on first? Exactly. Okay, goodbye.

And folks, this is vaudeville. I think we're really... I have a question. When George Washington passed away. Oh, that was so sad. Yeah. Why? No, you didn't answer my question.

I was very sad. Why? What... I'm just asking. You know, when Abraham Lincoln died, I wasn't alive. But it still makes me sad. Well, what about when...

How did he explain that? What about when Jesus died? I don't remember that. For a guy who ate the last dessert, you think you would. Well, I think it's sad that he died. I think it's sad the way he died, up on a piece of wood. Horrible. On a hill.

I mean, couldn't he have died in a minivan crash? They didn't have those then. Okay, paragliding. Couldn't Jesus? Or bungee jumping. He was already in the pose. He could have, like, jumped down like this, and then the thing snapped. I am not going there.

Going where? I am not going to be sacrilegious. I am not going to make fun of the passing of... Me neither. Jesus. This is actually uplifting. I'm saying, wouldn't it be nice if he could have had a better, quicker death than dying slowly on a cross?

That was horrible. Like, what about he's in the rainforest, walking on a... a river and a pygmy hits him with a poison frog darn. I'm not participating in this sacrilegious discussion. I'm just saying

this is propping them up. I'm going on record. I will not participate. This leads nowhere but to trouble. Okay, I'll switch topics. Touchy little fella, are you? Jesus Christ.

What about them? What? What about the way he died? What if he choked on a scallop? He's in a sea. He's at Scallop Fest at Olive Garden. The way your performance died on Vegas? Ah!

I was kidding. I was just joking. I'm sure you were great. That's why they kept bringing you back. Hello? Not. You start in your own movie. What was it?

Wait, wait. I want to talk about Vegas. Did you have scenes with James Kahn? Yeah. Talk about that experience because my experience with working with high-level actors was a lot different and no disrespect than working with, you know, sort of lesser actors that didn't have the traditional old Hollywood school training. Did you experience that when you would act with a guy like James Kahn?

Well, James Kahn, God bless you. him. I knew him before I did the show. You did? And he was always, yeah, very nice to me. Always great. How did you know him? I met him the first time at this club, Helena's downtown. But in person, he had a lot of energy and a very, like a live wire, you know? Yeah.

And very nice, but strung tight. Yeah, I worked with them. I was, he was, he'd. I know. I worked with them. And, but when he acted, he, he, um, it was there, but he was very resumed. served and quiet, but he was doing, you know, he's a great actor. You couldn't tell he was acting. What's interesting is, if you watch his son Scott, who on the show, Hawaii 50, yeah,

he's, it's just like his dad. He is? Oh, yeah, it's crazy. Were you on Hawaii 5? Scott's also a very nice guy, but, you know, it's his father. You act like your father, so it's pretty, if you watch him, it's, I mean, he's the same personality, same. Not exact same personality, but Scott's very nice.

I did that show too. But when you... But they talk very quiet. They're not... They're like very underplating it, which is like... I'll do it, ready? We'll do who's on first. Okay.

And the James Con acting style is got ready. So, uh, who's on first? What? Yeah. Yeah, what's on the... What's on second? Mm-hmm. Who's on third?

I don't know. I don't know. I was on third. No, wow's the right feel. Bro, you got to snap. Dude, you're in too deep. Bro. I will end.

Hello. I will end you. Dude, you're in too deep. Oh. Johnny? You went in deep guy. But he spoke, you know, I don't know, you know.

I mean, so it was like no, no pushing, very subtle. Yeah. subtle. But that came from training and old school Hollywood, and did you find when you were in with those seasoned actors that it was different than when you, let's say, did a scene with Farley or David Spade?

Well, I thought they were all great. I mean, at the time the cast was unknown. You know, what's her name? Vanessa Marceal. Or Marceal, yeah, Vanessa. She'd done soapsed. And then Josh Duhammel, I don't know what he, I think he'd been on his soap.

but I thought he was great. He was a really nice guy, a really fine actor, and he was great, and I had a lot of fun. The whole three times. Reducer, writers, Gardner, everybody. Yeah, it was really fun. I was hoping they'd make me a regular, and then I'd end up owning the Montecito.

I go, wouldn't that be great? I go from committing suicide to becoming rich to, and then I said that James, kind of a billionaire. He wanted me to have that part, by the way. He did? Yeah, he said. He goes, I wish they had a cast. Yeah, and then I said, wouldn't it be funny if I came in your office and I go, guess what?

I bought the Monticito. Anyway, and I said, anyway, you're no longer head of security. Sorry, I had a security. He goes, what? He goes, yeah, follow me. And then I bring him up to the penthouse. You're the manager of the whole thing. You shouldn't be in this little office.

You have the whole floor. You know, and I give them a giant rate. And you're not making enough money. And I give you, you're going to save my life. Yeah. And he's like, God, I go, oh, you forget it. Here you go, you know. It's almost like a baiting, the old Jamescom bait and switch.

Tripling your salary and you're going to run the hotel. You're the head of the whole thing, operations. You're too smart to be just this. And you need a bigger office and I got your room and this and everything, you know, and I go. Wow. And I go, and anything you want, you let me know. You let me know. And none of that happened.

No, that had been funny. A guy that went from committing suicide to owning the hotel. Owning the whole thing. Within three months. But none of it happened. Like none of it. No. Like all that stuff you just said, not one thing of it happened.

And do you know why it didn't happen? Do you know why? Why? Because apparently there was some actor, quote, actor that was playing a security guard that was bad-mouthing me going, you know, I work with him. He's in trouble. He love it.

Yeah, he's funny. You know, he's a sketch player. He can't really. do acting. He can't do comedy. You should give me that part. Yeah. Yeah. And his name was yeah, you. Yeah, I'm not, I never read a secret about it. Nice try, buddy. I tried. Well, it worked. Okay, great, but we're still buddies. That's the great side. Like I badmouthed you, got you out of the show, and we're still friends after all that. And that's a testament to true friendship. When someone can blackmail you, blacklist you, badmouth you. But why would you,

I was always nice to you. I was just in a mood. I was in a mood that day. I thought, let me fuck with the love it. Let me do some career damage. It was just a passing mood. Would you like to say you're sorry now? I like to say I'm monopoly now

and have a game of monopoly with you later. Now, if you don't say you're sorry, I'm going to take this spoon and gouge out your heart. Sorry. I'm sorry, Johnny. Okay, that's all I have on here. Can I tell you a little behind-the-scene thing that happened with me and James Kahn? By the way, if you don't know what James Kahn is, he was one of the main actors in the Godfather movies.

Hello? He played Sunny. Okay? What was another one of his movies? Thief? Thief, Rollerball? Rollerball? Well, I said movies.

Misery with Kathy Bates? Misery! He's a great actor, great guy. So I'm sitting up... He's a tough guy. He's a tough guy. But not when this happened. He was like a six-degree black belt with weapons and karate.

Did you know that? But all that goes away when I tell this story. If you'll let me. Because it seems like you're not letting me. You're really pressing the air into your side and not letting eggplant Johnny get a shot. I'm doing a scene with them. We're waiting for them to set up.

He's the head of security. We're on set at the casino. He's sitting at his desk. I'm sitting there, we're just kind of sitting there looking at each other, and all of a sudden, James Kahn, Oscar winner possibly, he farts. And I just looked at it, did you just fart? And he goes, yeah. And I'm like, big actors, Oscar winner, actors don't fart?

It threw me for a loop guy. I think it caused a little like psychological trauma or something. Did he ever fart in front of you? No, but that's... That's not the real question. The real question is, what doesn't throw you for a loop? Oh, there's Daryl Hannah. Loop.

James Con farted. Loop. My dog out there. I just heard him clear his throat. Loop. I go to an air show. Loop. Loop.

D'loup. That's a loop to loop, though. So you kind of jumped the gun there. Did you ever hear the Mexican actress in the 30s? Loop. A. Velaise? No, what's his name? Lupe Veles.

A woman. Well, you didn't say that. A woman. Well, dude, you gotta give me details. I don't know these things. When you act with these big actors, because you were with Tommy Hanks and Big. Tom Hanks was with me.

In Big, I get on the set and Penny Marshall says, you can't improvise like you did in the last movie. You just got to say the lines. I go, but the lines are hardly any lines. Why am I here? So I go, I'll be subtly funny. And then in the scene with Tom,

where he's next to me, I was trying to make him laugh. And I did. What did you say? I just looked at him. Can you recreate that? Like, I'll pretend I'm him. Picture me as a 14-year-old boy.

I said, see that woman in a red dress? She'll wrap her legs around you so tight. You'll be begging for mercy. And he says, oh, I'll stay away from her. and then I just looked and went, could you do it funnier? I'm going to lunch. No, it was subtly funny.

I know, but I'll tell you, though. I think I missed it. Could you do it again? I'm trying to answer your question. If you could do it once more, I missed it. I'm trying to answer your question. It was so subtle, I missed it. It was too subtle.

Well, it's because you don't have any powers of observation. Well, then can you give it to me one more time? Just watch the movie. Just one more chance. Do the look. So I said, I'll wrap your legs around you, so tightly and then you did. No, I said that. And then you did, what was the look? You're doing it right now? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I tried to do your law. Oh, for God's sake. When I was on Saturday

night live, we acted with, yes, I was thrilled. People like Robert Mitchum, uh, Charlton Heston. You worked with Robert Mitchell? Yes. On what movie? William Shatner. We were so excited. We're like, It's Kirk. Captain's log started. 5-7392. The eggplant. Spock, we've got an eggplant. That's very good.

Was it? Yeah. Oh, then I'll do more. Go ahead. Harlan Williams as William Shatner. Spock, beam me down to Dairy Queen for a peanut. Buster Parfay, I must get the cherry on top. and the crushed nuts.

Captain's log start a 5-739 eggplant. I must get the clingons to the ship. Ah, God! I did it too much. I did too much Kirk. Oh, I think I cracked a molar.

Oh, my gosh. That was very good. It was good, though, I always did that. Maybe if you'd done that on Vegas, it had hired you back. Whoa, power. You just power played me. Look at that ceiling.

Man, that's a lot of jizz. Oh, God, it's all over the ceiling. Wow, that's Cher's ass. Oh. That shares fat hanging. I told you I injected, I'm all out. Let me see if I can get a little more in the waddle. Just about out.

You'll do any. Does it look tighter? No, it looks like Jamie Massada just tried to screw your neck. People don't know who Chen. We do. We do, don't we? Buddy, buddy, I don't have a laugh actor

Buddy, why did you say that Buddy always tease me buddy Buddy? Why you always tease me? I'm so nice to you buddy Why you always tease me? This goes out all over the world Like people in Bermuda Scotland

Have you heard from them? But they don't know what Jamie Masa. Yeah, if you could just He owns the laugh factory from Iran He's from Iran Have you heard from anyone? Can we keep it in the James

Con universe? People know who it is. Scotland Oh, now you're dumping on Scotland, are you? No, I'm just saying. Go ahead. Have you heard from anybody from Scotland about your podcast? Let me look.

Yeah. They're watching. Oh, for God. You know what? I didn't know you were going to wear a vest and a blueberry festival shirt. I didn't know this was live. It's not. But I would love to see you in a tie.

Would you put a tie on for me? No. Why? Because I don't know anybody from Thailand. You are like Kathy Bates from misery with that laugh. You better watch your step, Arland. You better watch it. I'll snap on you.

Hey, everybody. Everything in life is pretty much leveled up. Your cell phone is a supercom. your car can park itself, your headphones cancel noise like magic. But the razor? The razor still feels like it's in caveman days, but not anymore. Thanks to Harry's. Oh yes, indeed he do. No more flimsy, cheesy razors. This thing is solid. Look at this. Harry's razor and Harry's foaming shaving gel. Oh my gosh. Talk about solid, talk about clean, talk about something that feels like heavy and firm in your hand,

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Oh, heaven, heavenly Harry. Can we talk about your view? No. We're not talking about where you live. But if someone can't see it, why would you talk about it? Well, we can describe it. Okay, go ahead. It's the most magnificent view, all joking aside, of Los Angeles I've ever seen.

You look to your left, and you see Griffith Observatory and the mountains beyond. Then you turn your head to the right, and you see. see downtown Los Angeles. Then you turn your head to the right again, and you see Culver City, and you see Century City, and then you turn your head to the right even more, and you see the Pacific Ocean and Catalina Island. It's the most spectacular view I've ever seen of any home in Los Angeles. I feel like I said it, not you. Well, I appreciate, I saw what you were doing, and clearly you were mouthing what I was saying. so that you could become a better actor.

I'd love to see you just pick one. I mean, look, can I at least tempt you? We have a nice black. You tell me what you want. We got. That's fine. Wait. The black one.

Wait, wait. Red. I said the black one. But wait. How about the flower pattern? And then, of course, the funky, hippie psychedelic. Fine, here. Or lastly,

The ever popular Incredible Hulk. You pick. Incredible Hulk. I think you'd go good in rage green. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. You better watch it. You better step back, Player.

Do you want to tie it? Do you know how? Yeah. That's an art form. Should I put one on two? Go ahead. My day. My eyes closed.

I'm just memories of boarding school. Oh yeah, baby. Nothing goes great with red lobster blood ass. Then puke brown. Wow, that really looks good on you. The hell is wrong with you. I'll let you to figure that out. Why are we talking like this?

Because we are. I feel like it makes us a little more macho. Because I'll tell you why. Why? Anybody can do drama, but not anybody can do comedy. And most comedians can do drama. I was going to say be straight, but then I'd have to leave you out. What do you mean?

I think you know exactly what I mean. What are you implying? You imply and get that eggplant out of your ass. It's not appropriate for this show. not in my ass the hell it isn't don't put it don't

can call a doctor Harlan what I was acting and here's you writing me off of Vegas and have you ever seen

someone put an eggplant in their rectum acting as good as that I don't think so but I only see half of it sticking out so you kind of really did and it's disgusting that's not

acting and you actually did it. What the hell is wrong with you? Are you ready for our final segment? Yes. What are we going to talk about now? We do it with every single person. Is this even a joke? It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe.

This is a real authentic Dutch clog. Inside, random words. You pull one out and see if it triggers a story from your wonderful John Levin's journey. But this isn't a random shoe. It's a clog that you bought and

have in your house. I know, but it smells. All right. I picked a word. The word is three words. Friends, partner, lust. What? Oh, friends, partners lust. So,

have you ever lusted after one of your buddies's girls? Yes. Talk to me. Well, yeah. Oh, we hit us What did you do, Guy? Well, I didn't do anything because this person's my friend

And I felt horribly guilty But you said you didn't do anything No, I didn't But you were thinking it Well, yeah, I felt it And I go, this is just wrong Who's the friend?

But I couldn't help it Who's the friend? Arland. Arland, who? Wait, me? Yep. you what the fuck ow I didn't do anything

what did so you wait you were lusting after one of my women's no you know you already said it it wasn't you I'm not going to say who okay then tell us what the lusty thoughts were what were you thinking of doing to this ambiguous I'm not it doesn't I didn't do anything That's the voice. You sound guilty just the way you said that. Your arms are, your body language, your register went up. I didn't do anything. Guilty.

I felt guilty just feeling it. What were you thinking? Like third base or all the way, where are we talking intercourse? Oh, I think we are. Now you're looking down. Wow. You were thinking intercourse. Thinking everything, but I didn't do it. but you were thinking it. Just thinking it, I felt horribly guilty. Did you ever tell the friend? No, I didn't tell the friend. When they broke up,

when said friend broke up with said lusting woman, they're still together. So you're still thinking of plowing your friend's wife? No, that came out wrong. What are you thinking? No. Tell me. You said that.

But you're thinking it. No. What was that? I saw something. Are you thinking it or not? Everyone thinks things. Do you do anything? And the answer is no.

And I didn't say it was a wife. You did. So it's a husband. Will this help? No. The point is, I didn't do anything. But I felt guilty feeling that. Can you just for them?

Because this is a show, this is, can you tell us one of the acts you thought of? You don't have to tell all of, just one. Well, all right, but it's going to sound weird. Not to you, it wouldn't. No, not to me. In the ear. You wanted to have sexual relations in someone's ear.

Yeah. one of your friend's wives. You know all your friends watching right now are slowly deleting your name from their phone because they're like, it might be me. It wasn't a wife. It might be me. I go out of town to shoot a movie

and I come home and catch Loveitz in my bedroom with this double tattooed weiner in my wife's head in her ear. And we know wax is a great lube. It wasn't a wife. But I didn't do anything. Wasn't a wife. that's either it's a husband or a daughter.

I'm not going to say it. I'm just saying that I felt very guilty having those feelings. Okay, let's step outside of... But I'm sure I'm not the only person that... Most people act on it. But you didn't. No. So you're a good guy.

Yeah. Now let's step outside. Because you can't... You can't, it's wrong. You don't do that. You can't do it. Right. I agree with you.

This might be the first thing we agreed on the whole podcast. I would never do that, never. But did I feel it? Yes. So let's go outside of the guilt. Let's go outside of the said friend. Have you ever had coitus with the side of someone's head? Yes.

Okay. Who hasn't? Well, maybe a deaf person because they can't hear it coming. Wait, that sounded wrong. If you're getting plowed in the ear, you would hear it coming. This is what I remember, a woman saying to me once, Harlan never did that. Hmm?

Who? It was on first. Well, I don't know if she meant you or a different, Harland. Probably another. You know Colonel Saunders' name is Harland. Colonel Harlan Saunders. Could have been his wife. Was there?

Chicken skin. Did it smell like a family pack when they were done? Because if it was, it was probably him. You can't have an affair as the Colonel, Colonel Saunders, sneak into a man's bedroom, have sex with the wife. He comes home and doesn't smell that seven herbs and spices? I'll tell you the truth, since you're so persistent and won't stop asking. Okay.

And you're not going to like what you're going to hear. But anyway, I met a woman, a husband, then I met the wife. wife, I didn't really know the husband that well. And then, but we'd hang out and the wife goes, you want to go to lunch, you want to go lunch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He started hanging out with the wife all the time. One thing led to another.

And we, you know, whatever. And she got pregnant. You can have ear babies? No, you know, the regular way. I thought you fucked her in the air. And then she told me and I said, you know, she was, we got to stop. I don't know.

But it turns out that I'm pretty sure the, kid was mine. Where's the kid? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh my God. Mm-hmm. Father? Yep.

Da-da? I'm not even kidding. I'm not either. I should have known the minute you waddled at the minute you sat down. Oh my God. I didn't know until like a year ago. I found out it was you. Can I borrow the card in? like that?

No. You have your own car. I know, but I like yours better. Well, I figured, you know what? The man who raised you is your father. I am your biological father, but I am very proud of you, and you've done great,

and I don't want to mess it up. And you got, frankly, you got my talent. Didn't get my acting talent. But everything else. So I'm Jewish. Half. He's on third.

Half off. Who's on third? Half off. Who's on first? I don't know. It's on third. What's on second? Your wife?

See? Creepio? I mean, the reason you think so out of the weird and out of the boxes, you think like your father. And by the way, I knew you were going to ask that question earlier, and I knew it was going to lead to this. I don't know why you said. You go, Let's announce it in a weird way, John. It'll be kind of funny, but I don't want to just come out and go,

hey, John's my dad. We did it. The 23 and me, DNA, he's my dad. I don't feel comfortable calling you John anymore. I just want to say, dad. I'd never call my dad by his real first name. Well, there's a reason. Why?

He wasn't. Why do you think you called him by his first name, but now you want to call me dad? What do you mean? Yeah, there's a reason. I hope your dad doesn't listen to this, the man raised. you. It's very disrespectful.

They were fighting at the time. Dad? Yes. What? Do you want to plug anything before we go, Dad? What? Not you. Sorry. Sorry to disappoint you. I mean shows with Dice. Oh, yeah. March 10th will be in Wisconsin at the Crystal Grand Theater,

and then March 11th will be in Waukegan, Illinois at the Genesee Theater. Andrew Dice Clay and I are doing stand-up shows. together. He's very funny. Furnier than you? He says so. I let him think what he likes. That's my dad. No, I think he's hilarious.

You know, I never got into that comedians competing with each other. Yeah. It's so stupid to me because what are you doing, really? You're presenting your sense of humor to an audience. Yeah. So, you know, if people think you're funny, they do. And if they don't, they don't. What about with me? Am I in the don't department?

To the audience, you're funny. But to my dad? I'll tell you off there. Yeah, I think you're hilarious. But I'm not competing with you. Oh, yes, you are. You dead meat. Folks, John Lovitz was our guest today.

Go see him and Andrew Dice Clay at the Crystal Meth Tavern and the upside-down cake theater. You're going to have a riot. Johnny, thanks for being here today, Dad. Daddy. You're welcome. Papa. April 10 and 11, Wisconsin and Illinois.

That's my birthday, Dad. Yep. We're doing the show in your honor, Sunny Boy. Oh, sunny boy. Oh, God. The pipes are calling. Oh, God. We got to go.

Folks, that's it for today. John Lovington's here. Go see him. Until next time, Chicken Chalmain, baby. Oklahoma. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go.

You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. record a custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized Harland