The Harland Highway - JORDAN JENSEN- on the hardship of keeping relationships together, and the science of squirting.

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

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This is a tough topic for me. I have a bit of childhood trauma with the squirting thing. Really? Your mom? My mom was a squirter and... Well, you were talking earlier about the heat. And in my neighborhood, my parents were cheap and we had the, you know, they tell you I had to ration the water. And the kids wanted to play in the sprinkler.

And my mother would run out and lay on the lawn and squirt... she would lay on her legs thrashing around and the children running through the spray and it was just i don't well some of us children got hot in the summer and needed some sprinkler action my mother was a squirder and i'm not going to let you laugh at that down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. My mom says there's a tornado watch in Ithaca, New York.

I would love to have a tornado watch. Imagine that every time you looked at your wrist, you're just, your eyes got sucked out into the twister. Yeah. It'd just be like little cows twirling around and a house, and it'd be so entertaining. It would. Rather than just looking at two hands going,

this to have a tornado watch and it's just even a twister watch i'd go for a twister watch i might even like better or a hurricane necklace or something maybe where i could see little bodies i'd put ants in it and watch the ants yeah tsunami bracelet oh yeah kidding i can't afford them that's like a new genre of of bracelet like natural disaster jewelry and you watch people die yeah yeah feel powerful tiny the tini's tiny people die do you believe in there's tiny people like we have ants We have mice to you. Some people think, you know, there's UFOs. There's this or that.

Oh, she's barking at the black puppet. Oh, racist dog. She's not racist, but that puppet is scary. She actually likes black people more than white people. Is she barking at the white puppet? I don't think she's seen it yet, but when she does, it'll be game over because that one's way scarier. Why do you feel okay having those in here?

The puppets? Yeah. Well, they're not really puppets. I call them co-hosts. Because when I do solo shows where I don't have a wonderful guest, one of them will sit there, either Little Coco or Wildwood Willie. That's Wildwood? Yeah, Wildwood's the African-American black puppet, and Little Coco's the white, demented

freak, freak, child. Does he have a voice? Do you talk for him ever? Yeah, he has a voice now and then. I don't talk for him. He has his own voice. I would love to hear the wild wiggles. I don't talk for either of them, do I go?

guys. They have their own voices. Yeah, I heard it. I did. That one's a little racist sounding. It's a little over the top. I know he sounds too white. Yeah.

Like he's being racist. I just think a little Chinese, you know. A little Chinese voice. Yeah. Yeah. Chinese. Chinese. Yeah.

Sometimes I speak to my dog in Japanese. Like a Japanese. Yeah. The way. That's how you speak. It sounds like you almost did a movement on your dog. Yes. Yes.

Can you do that against? Oh. Oh, and then the... Oh, you poor dog. Yeah. She doesn't mind. Is it a short hair or a long hair? Because that's going to get messy.

Yeah, it's short hair, luckily. So it just makes a shalack. Like a glaze? Yeah, like a nice glaze. Oh, God. Wonderful. I know. I know.

It's still, you know, I love when a story starts, like, horrifically. And then at the end, it's just wonderful. Yeah. I love happy ending. I think I might smell. Smell what? Yourself? Yeah.

Oh. I smell. Can I check? Well, I think it's a host I would want to check to see if my guests don't. You're welcome to check, but it is. It's not great. Well, you can tell me. I boxed two days in a row and didn't shower.

What do you got? Give me a minute. Give me a minute. Okay, sorry about that. Okay, if I'm going to break it down. Yeah. A little touch of beef strogan off. Oh, yes, beef.

A slash of IKEA? Oh. Oh, yeah, I'm getting a keel. A dash of, I want to say Arby's, a little tennis, and just a little the effervescence of subway gonorrhea. Oh, yeah, hard gonorrhea, a little lighter on the subway today, I think. Okay, so I can deal with that. Okay, I'm good with that.

All right, great. If you're okay with the stink, the reek. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm okay with that. The wave of putrid gas or whatever it is. Yeah, I'm pretty desensitized to it at this point. Now, good smells. smell bad. It was nice to get in there, too. Some women aren't open to you just stuffing your nasals right into their pit. No, you got to get in. And the way you just, you didn't even flinch.

I don't flinch. Good for you. Thank you. Well, I smell a lot, and I smell myself a lot, and it does seem only fair if you're going to take a snack from the snack drawer, you've got to offer up some other things. What is it that you do on your daily routine that? because I switched kind of the way I was my cadence. Yeah. Yeah, I was like I did a little subtle cadence. Yeah. I went from like one thing to I went,

what is it you do, which was clearly a switch. It was a switch. It was almost like a peekaboo to me also. I think that's why it made me giggle because it was like one note and then it was what do you? And I think there was a little part of me. Yeah, and there's also a little piece of me.

And I don't want this to be here, but was there also a little piece of, Oh, got you. Yeah. Like a gameplay, like I was... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. Okay. She's chewing something? No, she's just like crunching around. Yeah. What is it that you do that causes you to stink or smell or like, what are you running around? Are you caring pianos? What's going on?

Well, today, I woke up and I got, you know, Jason Ellis, the big strong Australian man? Yeah, the skateboarder guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I call him the day. Dementoid from Planet X-Nord? I call him the gay man. Oh, is he gay now?

No, no. Okay. He's half and half. Oh, like the milk? Yeah, but I like, yeah, he wears like pendants. Yeah. Sean pendants or just the regular ones? Just regular ones that hang from his neck named Sean.

Okay. And I, yeah, so I call me the gay man, but I fought him today. I boxed him in his yard and I got really sweaty. And last night I did, and instead of showering, I just jumped in his pool, which is full of human sweat. Wait, you were boxing a man today? Yeah. Why?

What was the impetus for that, if you don't mind me bringing that word out? I'm really into boxing right now. Are you into impotises? Impotence. Well, let's not make fun of them. Well. Lord, shot. Yeah, I like impotence.

Are impotence premiums, or are they the post mates? I think they can be Uber Eats if you really want them to be. Oh, okay, okay. They don't have to be postmates. They could be DoorDash if you want. Okay, okay. I don't mind the Primes. Okay.

Supreme Beans. What about the Supreme, the Supreme B Madonna's? Those are so-so. Okay. Yeah. Kind of like going back to half and half. Half and half. Is so-and-so the same as half and half?

Maso menos. That's so-and-so. That's so-and-so. It's also a Chinese fish. The Maso minnow? It's a very tiny little, you'll see them in Chinese streams. Really? It sounds like it's a big little moss minnow, more minnow.

A Mormon minnow? Yes. Wow. Imagine being a Mormon minnow and on the seventh day, God turned the bread into fish. But they were just minnows. And you're like, hey, bro, I can't make a meal out of a minnow. Let's get a Marlin in here or something long hair. Yeah, Harlan the Marlin.

You ever heard that? That's when I was in my bike gang. They called me that. Is it? Yeah, I used to ride with the Marliners. On the Harlan Highway. Yeah. Wow.

Oh, by the way, folks, I almost, see, I get mesmerized by you. I think your stink is inside me, and I'm a little, I'm a little discombobulated. Yeah. So let's jump to it, folks. Let's hit the theme music. Jordan Jensen is here on the Hall Highway podcast, and we couldn't be happier, visiting from a big city that we're going to talk about. Don't tell them yet.

Because I want to talk to you about the big city. Comedian, writer, podcaster, actress, and, well, you act when, you didn't let me finish. She works at one of the Arby's here in Hollywood when she comes to town, and she acts like she wants to be there. Yeah. Yeah. So welcome, welcome, Jordan, to the Hall, Chalmers. I like this podcast. You do, thank you.

I listen to it. You do thank you. I don't listen to anything. Yeah. Oh, thank you. You really won me over when you did our podcast. Oh, we had a treat. Then I went down the Harlan Highway.

I went deep on it deep. I got hooked on this guy called the Elephant Graveyard. If you heard that. Oh, no. Talk to me. Well, he did a YouTube video about you versus David Lucas. No, did he? Yeah.

Oh. On Kill Tony. Oh, wow. Yeah. And it's very, very funny about you roasting him. Oh, wow. Yeah, we went at it twice. You had a great job. Thank you. And it was during, I had this online kind of beef, or this slight beef with David Lucas.

Okay. At the same time, my love for you skyrocketed. And then I saw this thing where you roasted him. And I was like, this is. Wow. Yeah. I'd like to roast him. Just pop them in the oven and put a glaze on him.

Yeah. But let's, more than that. Other than roasting and comedians, I'm more intrigued by you throwing around the term elephant graveyard. That's something people don't talk about a lot. What is that? Why isn't there other frog graveyards? Well, I think they, isn't there whale graveyards? I've heard of legendary orca graveyards and blue whales, like there's this place somewhere in the icy

landscape of the Antarctic, and there's a place where sailors have gone and they go in and it's just giant whale bones everywhere. Whale bone sounds familiar. Right. Those would probably be in a whale graveyard. I don't know. Whalebone. You ever seen the whale bones at that big museum in New York? The whalebone museum? The whale bone. Oh, yeah. The blue, is it a blue whale?

Yeah, I'm not impressed by it for some reason. I really look forward to it too many years, but it's not very impressive for some reason. Well, here's what's interesting. Yeah. If you saw a dinosaur roaming the earth today, would you be blown away? Yeah. Okay. So think, why? Because of the enormity, the size? I think the kindness in its eyes. Yeah.

And you get that a lot unless you're dealing with a brontosaurus. They're about 40, 60 feet high. You can't even look in their eyes unless you got one of those hydraulic lifts. I do have one of those. The phone pole guys use. Yeah. You do have one. You know what I think about those?

I think every time you bring it down, it has to go all the way down. They do get depressed. They do. Yeah. I was watching one the other day, and this guy was trying to fix the ceiling, and he would bring it down all the way, and then he'd go up to the next thing panel. And I was like, why don't you just go down?

and then over a little bit, and he kept going down. And then I thought how lucky my life is there. It wasn't the guy waiting for that thing to come back up and down every day. But then I felt bad because I was kind of being elitist, and I don't know what his life is like. He might have a game going with that. He might not even have to go up and down.

That just might be how it is for him. Anything else? Just one day at a time. I know, it felt like you read a lot into something that just goes up and down. Have you ever been in an elevator and become a therapist? Yeah. Okay. I went to school for therapy for one semester.

Say what now? Yeah. I went to school to be a therapist. For one semester? Yeah. So you got a little bit of therapy knowledge in you, but not the whole thing. Yeah, I realized I had to be on the other side of the table. I wasn't on the right side of table.

So if one of your friends came to you for advice or therapeutic leadership, you could take them this far, but then leave them hanging because you don't have the rest in your knowledge banks. No, I think I have it. It's in there. Oh. Yeah. Do you have something? Yeah.

I mean, I was never really close with my grandfather. That's okay. They're not supposed to be close to you. They're not your parents. Don't be selfish. Okay. Okay. Have we cleared that up after 60 years?

Boy, you're fast. Yeah. But let's cut right back to what I wanted to say about the dinosaurs. Oh, okay. No, believe me, we can go any. On the Harlan Highway, we go anywhere. we want but think about how you you couldn't look them in the eyes you like the kindness in your eyes the ones that you can see think about the enormity think about a t-rex i'm not sure how big they are

well you've seen the bones right no you've never seen the bones you've seen the bones go to the pittsburgh airport for some reason they have a t-rex skeleton at the pittsburgh airport you get off your plane oh you're right you go down the escalator it's like most people have a sign with some some quakers or some Amish, hey, welcome to Pittsburgh. They got a thunder lizard. They do have a thunder. Okay, you get off the place, like, and you're like, holy, you just book a flight and get the hell out in.

I didn't come to, where am I, my Jurassic Park? I wanted to go to Pittsburgh and watch a Pirates game. Yeah, I don't ever want to go to Pittsburgh, but I hear you. Yeah, you're suddenly, you're at an airport, you're dealing, you got enough with terrorists and the TSA, now you're dealing with a thunder lizard. They got to jazz it up. It's Pittsburgh. It literally has Pitt and its first name.

They got a jazz it up. You land in there, you go dinosaur, that's what you think. right not homeless people that are white somehow yeah it's like a steel blue collar city how did a t-rex get in the mix i like it oh now you like i'm saying i like it there because you land you're like i'm in pittsberg my career's weird what am i doing here and yeah i'm gonna go do the improv at pittsburg somebody's gonna yell at me because i said something about trans people and then you get to airport and there's a and you go right it's not scary to you i like it i don't know it's like you don't go to like you don't come to l a and there's a statue of o j standing there like

You know, Rosie O'Donnell, you know, I mean. But if it was her bones? If it was her bones. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. The T. O'Donnell. Yeah.

The Thunder Donald. Yeah. Rosie old. Rosio Bones. Rosio Bono. Rosio Bono. Rosio Bonio. Rosie Albino.

Wow. Okay. So here's what I was kidding at with the dinosaur thing. This is where I had this thought and see what you think of this. I know what you're thinking. Saddles. On a dinosaur? Wow, I wasn't.

But now I'm intrigued. Talk to me, guy. Just throw a saddle on there. What are we doing? Get the dinosaurs back. Throw a saddle on them. You know they're going to be sweeter than horses. They'll walk into fire for us.

Yeah. Yeah. And they could eat their way through anything. Nothing's going to stop you. Totally. Okay. So you got your dynos. You got these behemoth creatures.

Yeah. Probably if you saw one in real. life you would just they're monstrous okay okay but then cut to living amongst us today the blue whale yeah which is the biggest creature to ever roam the earth as far as we know yeah roamed the water but yeah but people don't think about that we think these dinosaurs were these giant how could we ever see a creature so big and here we are living yeah amongst the biggest creature that ever roamed the earth I think we don't understand how big they are. Like dinosaurs we understand because they're mythological,

but the blue whale, we can't even... I remember having a book is it... I'm so sorry. What happened? Did you drop something? I got an erection. Oh, you did? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know blue whales turned you on like that. Yeah. They do have the biggest blowholes. They do. Wow, I heard it hit the metal in the desk. I don't like telling people about it, but... Are you okay? Do you need a band-aid or anything?

No, it's okay. It's really strong. It's calloused. It almost was like a Chinese gong the way of the way. it hit wow did it fly right out of your zipper do you think or was that through the fabric i think it stayed in the pants luckily so we got a slingshot i even felt the desk the jostle a bit yeah you got a strong erection yeah yeah it has it's dexterous it whips like yeah i felt it cirque or uncirky definitely uncirky i don't believe in sirky wow you must be feeling a little

sting on the mushroom cap i mean that was a hard hit no cirque wait uncirky Uncirky means it has his protective layer. I don't like this in front of me. Oh, Uncirky. Yeah, you're right. Uncirky means it's got the elephant to the skin, yeah. Yeah. Okay, okay.

So he's okay. So you get excited by blue whales. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they're so big. But I don't think we know how big they are. We talked about that. You can't do that that fast.

You can't do the fast. I get so thirsty when you get an erection. Yeah, I know. That's always happens. My blood dick goes right to your head mouth. Oh, yes, everyone. Mando will be your best friend this summer. This is Mando deodorant, clinically proven to control odor for 72 hours.

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Harland at shopmando.com. S-H-O-M-A-N-D-O-com. That code is Harland at shopmando.com. Let's stop the stink, start to think. Let's have a fun summer. Let's Mando. I don't know what. Isn't it funny how things have that kind of that connection? Yeah. Serendipitous, is that what it's called? No. Synchronicidic. Synchronicidic. Synchronicidic.

Sadistic. Yeah. Synchronistic. Wait. No. When something complements another or lives, when two creatures, symbiotic. Symbiotic, yeah. That's what I meant.

Yeah. I have a joke where I say symbiotic and it always kills, they're always surprised that it comes out of my trash mouth when I say it. I'd love to hear it. I think my audience would love to hear it involves a big act out but it's about how drunk girls get kicked out of the cellar and they're always like rich and hot and they're like I'm never going back in me and then they're put on the street with one of our homeless men who are non-sentient

I don't know if you know that about New York homeless men and those guys immediately meet those homeless or those drunk girls and they go and then they start talking to each other and the drunk woman's like and the homeless guys like and it's a symbiotic coming together of two very different tax brackets. What is sentient? I'm not familiar with that word.

So your homeless people are bad. So your homeless people come up to you and they go, hello, and you go, I don't have any money. You mean the Los Angeles homeless people? So they converse? They converse and you go, I don't have any money. And they go, I just want to say, what's up, dude? And that's worse to me.

I'd rather be mugged. Whereas our guys come up to you and they go, and you go, I don't have any money. And they go, what language is that even? No idea, homeless. That's the homeless, the official homeless language. Can I try it? Please give it a go.

No, nope, that's Chinese. Japanese. Oh, hold on. You got to go a little more gremlin. Still, that's still very Japanese. Little show gunny. Yeah, yeah. That's better, yes.

Yes, yes, way better. What did I say? I'm not sure, but I don't have any money for you. You got a dollar even? No, I don't know nothing in there. Sheep one. Can we talk? about New York, because you live there.

You're right in the heart of New York. Yeah. You're like in there, man. I'm right in there. And that's a city I've only ever visited. You never lived there? I've never lived there, but you hear the term the mean streets in New York. Does it mean?

I'm mean, but I don't find the streets to be mean. Why are you mean? Well, New Yorker, like I come here and like I was up in like Arrowhead and we went to the supermarket and people like, hey, can I help you find anything? And I was like, this is a supermarket. Get away from it. I know. I'm going to find the hot.

You know what I mean? I didn't like that. Whoa. So you snapped at someone trying to... I didn't say it, but I thought it in my mind. Oh. And it takes me a while to adapt to the L.A. Like, you know.

The cash? Hey. Yeah, the... Yeah, I don't... It's not even L.A. Because comics are always kind of gnarly to each other. It's more like there's a service. There's a level of service people in New York where they're just like,

take the thing that you need and get the fuck out of here. And I like that. And I don't like really when I have to fall into this, like, false sense of like, oh. He's the thing that I'm providing, you're Asaiibo, you're going to love this. And I'm like, you don't know me. You don't know what I'll love, right? Yeah, it's a bit pretentious.

It is. And it's a, what do you call it? It's a, what's it called when it's a grifter. It feels like everybody's a grifter. Oh, they're grifting you. Yeah. They're not my friend. But are you mean to people when you just think it?

Don't you have to verbalize the meanness? No, watch. See. Well, let's try that again. I'll be the guy in the store trying to help you. Oh, hi. We have some wonderful fresh bean sprouts in today. They're delicious. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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Don't throw your back out. Are you trying to be mean to me right now? Well, you're not, this is California. We have some acting classes. Okay, now, really a moat. If you could feel it, internalize the anger. Yes, internalize. And yes, let it come out through your, project through your eyes.

And yes, express the face. And let's see, this is how Californians react because this is actor country. So you can't be mean without getting feedback. back from some fucking talent scout you ever see a dog do that where they just want to show you they're a little mad but they just like they have a ball and you try to touch it and they just go just to show their teeth isn't that funny they do the alvis yeah they just like i have those just you know those are in there i have those in there i get the hell away from a ball thank you very much yeah pretty good you got it i can do both sides oh yeah billy idle did that remember billy

idle in the 80s when he was oh yeah i wasn't live then but yes i didn't remember it's a nice day for a white wedding and he did that yeah it really captured the masses well he stole it from elvis obviously but it worked like billy yeah billy he worked it he worked it good it's okay it's a lot to make a comeback things can make comes back back i think they could be like there's a lot of kids right now sounding like Mitch headberg and i'm like eh it's been long enough it's okay really yeah but some people you mean comedians yeah but is it okay if they're sort of isn't that sort of ripping him off? I think it's just influenced

because they can't make jokes that are like, you know, who is Reese's, Reese's owned by Reese? You know, they're not making those jokes. They're more making it like. But if they sound, if they have the cadence of Mitch, you can't rip someone off and say,

oh, I'm just being influenced. You can't say the exact jokes, but I do think that these, that young comics, it takes enough time. It's like that band, Greta von Fleet, sounds exactly like Led Zeppelin.

And people are very upset. And I'm like, they're nine years old. I know. Where does she get off being in a rock band and then, you know, telling everyone about global warming and all that crap? It's a different one. That's Greta. Tree.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah. What's her name? Greta Van Custrin on Fox. No, it sounds like something out of a Hobbit. Greta Gerwick. Greta Gerwitch? Yeah. You have taken a future.

And then she did it. She did it? How dare you? She's a good thought of life. You have taken our future. How can she be so upset? Underwear. Yeah, right?

She doesn't know what the future is. She doesn't know anything. She doesn't know that if we could grow trees and different little space pods. Yeah. She has no idea. I don't know what the future is. The old people should be upset. They're like, dude, we had a bunch of shit here.

There's trees, no buildings. You took my view. You know? And by the way, isn't New York a glaring example? Wasn't it, wasn't it, um, what? 25 years ago that an inconvenient truth came out, and Al Gore said Manhattan would be underwater like 12 years ago? Yeah.

Has the water come up that much? I don't know. I haven't asked it. I don't think so. No. Isn't there that rock? It's not in New York, but it's over. It's the rock where the Mayflower came in.

I don't know what it's called. They put a little like... Ellis Island? No, I don't know what it's called, but they put a marker in the water, like a plaque on a rock. to memorialize that this is where the Mayflower landed. Yeah. And it's sitting in the ocean. And it's been there.

It hasn't. And it hasn't. The water has not come up or down on this thing, which has been there, I think, over a hundred years. Whoa. And so then you've got all these people dancing around going, the oceans are right. And then here's this thing that's been sitting there. I mean, there's a million markers you can look at. But what about all the, what about all this heat?

What do you think about that stuff? What about it? Don't worry about that? Haven't you lived through a heat wave before? Yeah. I mean, there's always heat. There's always rain. There's always, you know.

I haven't seen snow in a while. You will. I will? I promise you, kid. I like it a lot. You do? Yeah. Is that your favorite season?

No way. Fall, obviously. Wow. Yeah. My favorite season is I've fallen and I can't get up. It's just between spring and summer. Oh, that is a good one. No, we said, you promise.

none of this. You said you weren't going to do this anymore. Thank you. Sorry. Okay. New York. I really like it. I would like to have a place here also. In Los Angeles. Yes. I have a little studio that's small. I like New York because it's way, I hate being in car. I have my own truck. In New York. In upstate New York. And I like that. I don't mind driving, but then you have to get rid of it because it's too many tickets. And I don't like how much I, everybody says this about the driving here. Yeah. But I don't. I, the trains. I, love because you can just sit on the train and watch people, which I think is, it's the most satiating thing to me. You can just observe human nature. Yeah. Legally. Right. It's legal there. To just stare at people. To just watch. And nobody can really say anything. Nobody can be like, don't look at me.

Isn't it under the banner of Neighborhood Watch? Like the number of nights I've stood in my neighbor's yard and watched them shower through the window or make sweet summer love. Hey, neighborhood watch, just looking out for you. Yes, rape is citizens arrest. Excuse you? What did you say? I said rape is citizens arrest. Come back at me now? What in the name of Florence? If you have to hold somebody down with your penis and mouth.

What? To stop them from doing a crime. Yeah. That's what has to be done. So is that part of Neighborhood Watch? Yes, that's what I'm saying. Okay. Yes.

You don't know what that person was going to do five minutes later before you. Yeah, you're right. It's like pre-prime. Pre-come. Excuse you? Sorry. Isn't there a scientific reason for pre-com? Have you looked into that?

I don't believe that it carries semen. You know what I think it is? I think it's a little cleaning valve to make the way for the boys. Yeah, I've read about it. That's why I'm asking there is an actual scientific reason for that substance. It serves a purpose either than just demonstrating excitement. Yeah. But there is some kind of, God, I feel bad that I don't remember it.

Of course you've Googled this. You've been like, there is a reason why I'm doing this. No, it was my mechanic because I had the inside of my window. Oh, yeah. But I was going to say, so you could see yourself living here in Los Angeles, the city of anales? Yeah, I mean, I like it. I do like the store, although they yelled at me about the dog yesterday, which I got very mad at. And I do like the store a lot.

And I like, I just like being multiple places. I'm very, especially post-breakup, now I feel very transient. Like I want to be everywhere. Do we want to talk about that? It sounds. Everybody knows about it. It's fresh. I don't want to step on to your private matters, but you, we did talk a minute about therapy.

Yeah. And then when we first walked in, you expressed a little bit of sadness that you broke up. But I don't want to intrude or probe if that's something that's too painful. But if you want to talk to me, I'm very good at kind of being your sounding board. My mother was a marriage counselor. No way. Yeah. And I might have inherited some of her.

Don't you not have a way for a girlfriend? Well, we're talking about you. Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. God, she's broken up for a minute. She's hitting on me. Like, it just happened last night, didn't it? When did you get dumped? Right as I was walking in here.

Right away. Are you with anyone? Yeah. You know, let's get through you and then maybe we'll talk about. You brought up the whales. Well, let's deal with your thing. If you see how it goes, if I sent some healing, maybe someone will invite you to Dairy Queen later.

But let's, let's deal. That was my thing. it was dairy queen how'd you get it the cheese the cheese a dairy queen a dairy queen cheese in your mouth a dairy queen so behind the dairy queen yeah not in the dairy queen okay I wouldn't let me in there do you want to uh or we can move on I've got lots of it's a known thing once a month I date for the last three years I date somebody who breaks up with me once a month and then I try and get over it and then we get back together and try again.

Should we go through the steps? Why did the breakup happen? Who is it at fault? Was it both of you? Did he cheat? Did you cheat? Did you lie? Did he lie?

What was the impetus for the breakup? It's usually just, it gets a level of closeness and stability, and then he freaks out and has to go. Like the more close, I want to be the more like commitment and like nurturing, the more he's like da-da-da-da-da-da-da-and then he leaves. And then he's like, okay, I can handle it. try again they go and this is a this is a pattern that happens with all your guys or just this guy oh this one so this isn't like a pattern that's happened with the other boyfriends no i mean i do

tend to date people who are a little distant i'm not that is what i'm into i'm not really into people who are lovey but i will say but yeah this has been the last three years i'm sorry god how long were you with the chap it's been on and off for three years and then every time it's like a fun game of maybe like this is the last time and then I always say it again. Do you think this is the last time? Yes. Really? You think there won't be a round four? Anytime I say that I don't so I don't want to jinx it. I don't know what the world will until. Yeah. Because it freaks, it's a weird feeling when you tell yourself, you're like, I'm never going to do it again. And then you're in it and you're like, wow, I'm really just, you know what I mean? So you just have to whatever happens. Are you one of these

people that sort of enjoys being in it because it adds a certain level of drama and passion to your life in a where sometimes days can be passionless. A lot of people, even though they hate breakups and they hate antagonistic behavior from their partner, sometimes breakups and all the drama that goes around them can create stimuli. And some people like that stimuli because it gives them a sense of something. Is that possibly some of this? I think it does.

It is stimuli. I think it's also, I think any sort of stability is like horrifying to me. Stagnation, I'm very afraid of stagnation. Right. Yes. So if somebody's kind of on the fence about me, that's like the opposite of stagnation. It's like a game that I'm always playing and trying to do. But if somebody's just like, I accept you, I'm like, oh, I'm going to get fat and weird.

Huh. You know. It's funny that this guy's running away from what you're offering because whenever you start a relationship, isn't that one of the things we always pursue is, stability, comfort, trust, reliance. And so you've got to that place with him, and now he's turning and bolting. Yeah, yeah. So he, you know, maybe he really doesn't want it, obviously.

He doesn't. But he says he does. That's what I mean. So how do you get around that bend where you find out the truth? Or do you just keep breaking up and getting back together for the next five, six, seven years? I don't know. You tell me.

Wow. Well, you want me to tell you what I think? Well, clearly it started and stopped. Yeah. It's a repetitive act. Yeah. It's, unfortunately, it's like when a man is abusive to a woman physically, they say once he hits her, it ain't ever going to end.

Really? Why do they say that? That's just the patterns that you see. That's what they've charted. That's what psychologists see. They do say that? Oh, yeah. Very often.

I'm not saying every time, but many battered women, and if you look at their cases, they go, once they've been hit, the man always says, I'll never do it again, and then it just keeps going. You know what it is? Yeah. It's the aftercare. So it's like, you hit somebody, and then you're like, I love you, I love you, love it. And the woman goes, yes, yes, yes, because it's like taking your shoes off that

we're on too tight all day. Yeah. And you're like, this is so nice. Yeah. And then you think, and then that goes away. And you're like, oh, I'll do anything to get that to go back. And then the hit comes, and then it comes back. You're like, totally worth it, worth the hit.

And sometimes even the hit plays into what I was talking. a moment ago about it creates stimuli for the person where they might have a little bit of an empty existence. Now they have something they can latch on to that's dramatic and fills their life up even though it's the wrong thing and the wrong energy. So my advice is based on what I've learned in life, this guy's not committing. Yeah. He's demonstrated that repeatedly. Yeah. I would get the fuck out of Dodge and find a guy that wants what you're offering. I know. Yeah. But do you know? Yeah. But do you. It's easy to say, but it's got to do it.

Or you're just going to, just you're on a treadmill of grief. Have you done that before? What? Ended something? Oh yeah, we all have. You said no more to something that. No more. And then I've done the same thing where you get back into it.

Really? And then it's very rare in life that you can salvage it. You want to. We all have great intent and you look back and remember that time we went on the trip to floor. Remember when we made love under the tree in Central Park? And remember how happy we were? And you you ponder those beautiful moments

because every relationship is, you know, it starts in such a beautiful place. Yeah. But then eventually, if it just keeps breaking down and crashing, it's hard to get back to that original land of Eden, you know? Yeah. So what do you do? Well, eventually, you know, just like you will have to do,

or most people do. You just have to get to that place where you just go enough. Nice. I want to be back to, I could call them right now and we could be going to make love. Yeah. They'd probably still want to have sex with me. They'd probably,

whatever I asked them, they'd probably want to do it. Anything, money? You never know. Wow. But you just have to go done. If you don't just cut and watch the boat drift away, you've got to cut the cord and watch it.

And it hurts. Yeah. But here's what I say to help. make it easier, possibly more manageable, instead of focusing on this anchor that you have, start visualizing the person that you've never met and don't even know exist. And there's another guy out there who you've never even met yet possibly

and picture that guy's lips on your lips for your first kiss and the butterflies and the magic. Yeah, but then what if that doesn't happen? And then that's depressing. If, if, if, yeah. But isn't it more depressing that you're with a guy that doesn't want what you're offering them? That's even more depressing. Then like a girl being like kissing their pillow being like, maybe someday this will be a boy.

Maybe. But you can dream, you can visualize. And, you know, it's like that old thing. You can't settle because you know what you're getting with this guy. Yeah. Versus you have a whole new beginning with a new guy that might just be the one that gives you what you need and is accepting of what you're offering back. Yeah.

I can't really imagine that, but I will try. Should try. Are you about visualization stations? Yeah, you got to. Are you? Is that a Canadian thing? No, no. Jim Carrey's into it, I know that.

It is. I don't think I've heard that term, but what is that visualization station? Is that like an eye doctor? I just made it up now, but my mom is really all about that, like you got a manifest what you want. I remember because she made a vision board

and on it was a million dollar bill. And I was like, that doesn't even exist. So that doesn't seem like a smart thing. A million dollar bill? Yeah. Yeah. But does she play Monopoly? I think there's one in there.

She don't play games. She's all business. Wow. Wow. Well, it's up to you, but that's the only advice. Look, I'm not an expert. My mother was the marriage counselor. Was she married?

Oh, my mother was married all the way through. Were they in love? Yeah, they were madly in love. Held hands? You know, so I'm not going to lie. They were not, they were in love, in the deeper sense of love. I think love intertwined with their religious faith. Yeah.

They had a great, strong love for each other. They did not necessarily outwardly demonstrate love, which for me was painful to see because it was very rare. I ever saw them touch or kiss. Yeah. But yet they had this other layer of love that was extremely deep and committed and pure and good. But in my world, sort of interrupt, I want both.

If I'm going to go the distance with someone and it's deep in here, I also want it to be, I want to be sitting beside them on the couch, holding their hand, making love, kissing, you know. Were they religious? What kind of religious were they? Like Catholic. Oh, they're Catholic. And then they're both dead.

No, my mom is. My mom passed away, but my dad's still gone. How is he doing? he's good i mean this guy my dad's like he's blows my mind he's 96 holy shit still lives alone still motors around still sharp as a whip you can talk to him about anything still feeds himself lives in his own place he just gave up his car a year ago he was up until a year ago was driving he could still drive but he he on his own cognizance he he stopped driving because he said you know what my reflexes aren't as fast anymore at 96 so he gave his car to my

my little um niece but he he was he has it together man wow good genetics big john yeah and his brother bill my uncle bill yeah just turned a hundred in january what and he's in better shape than my dad he still lives alone he still he still drives it's crazy wow and they're not gross old yet No, no, they're like, they're like amazing. Food goes in the mouth. Yeah, they make their own meals, they eat, they, it's crazy, yeah. Wow, what is the house weird? It smells weird.

He's got to smell a little weird. No, no. Wow. Yeah, he's single too if you're looking. I'm a new guy. Yeah, I'll go over there right now. You will? Yeah, let's go get, let's go, I got to choose between John or Bill.

It sounds like a toss-up. Which one do you want? You want the 100 or the 96? I like an older mom. model. Okay, so the 100. All right. He's actually the 100, my uncle Bill is actually in better shape than my dad. My dad's in great shape, but Uncle Bill's even in better shape.

Do they walk around and hike or something? Yeah, they walk around. They do everything. It's crazy. Wow, that's crazy. And my Uncle Bill, check this out, my Uncle Bill was in the Royal Canadian Air Force. That's cool. He flew in a bomber as a tail gunner.

You know that big glass case at the back where they got the machine guns? he did something like 42 missions over Germany as a tail gunner in World War II lived and he's a hundred years old this guy he's a hundred years old my my grandfather was one of those a pilot in the world war two and he and he pulled the shoot one time and and the plane was going down but it didn't go down fast enough and it just soared through this guy so everybody called it the ghost plane and then it crashed into a hospital and killed some people but oh man he had to hit a hospital huh yeah and he lived he lived how many in the hospital died i think i think some quite a few the ghost killed by the ghost he would tell me that story over and

over again the Alzheimer's wow oh yeah he had the Alzheimer's well i don't know if it was Alzheimer's but he was an Alzheimer's you know and every time he told it was it always a hospital or did it hit something else it was a hospital i think that was the story he had on deck and he would show me a World War II bullet. And my other grandfather, what's it called when you release somebody from where, from their binds? Hostage? Freed the prisoners of war.

Oh, P-O-W. Yeah. And he had a big swastika flag on his wall. And I remember always being like, oh, my God, my grandfather's a Nazi, but it's because he captured, you know, he, oh, he took it. It was a relic, it was a relic, yeah. Wow. But it took me a lot of years to figure that out.

Yeah, yeah. You go over to Granddaddy's house with the swastiki. on the wall yeah yeah kids in the neighborhood might have a little problem with that yeah and you're like no no no that's he's the guy that killed everyone in the hospital right right right don't worry don't worry he killed a lot of kids yeah who were sick yeah did the plane hit the children's ward or do you know I feel like it was something bad yeah I feel like it was what a war hero but there's a picture of it going down and it's it's empty there's nobody in it and everybody was like how did that happen I wish they had a picture of the hospital.

You just see the plane in one way and then the opposite wall. You just see all these people flying out with casts and people in wheelchairs flying through the air. Yeah. Where was Life magazine for that photo? I like how you went like this flying through the air. Like they'd still be wheeling themselves in the air. Well, you want to make sure the wheels are turning when you land, right? Right, right, right, right.

So you get that traction and you keep going. Yeah, yeah. Well, maybe if we dissect it. maybe you hear you go, oh my God, a plane's coming. You're wheeling down the hall. You get hit, launched.

You get blasted out, so you're still wheeling. It's like when you put a dog in the pool and take them out and they keep looking. That's what I was doing. You know what that reminds me? Can I be crude? What?

Can I? Yeah. Permission granted. Crude away, Cruella Deville. Okay. Do you know how when you have sex with a woman and they orgasm? Yeah.

The vagina goes like this a bunch? Pulsus. Do you know why it does that? Because it's hungry? Yeah. It is? Yeah. See, I just guessed.

That's why. It's swallowing the boys to try and get pregnant. It is? Yeah. So you know how a woman isn't making it do it. It's like happens and then it just does it unconsciously. It does? Yeah, we're not making it do it.

We're not asking it to. It's just pulsing. Yeah. We're not doing it for fun or to clean or anything. I didn't even know it did that until you just told me. You didn't? No. Really?

I don't think most guys know that it pulses afterwards. No, you know what pulses. I did not know, like, does it open and shut? Yeah. So it's going like, it's going like, like this? Yeah. Yeah. It's doing like yoga?

It's drinking. Oh, God. It's swallowing. No wonder men fall asleep right after. I mean, you could lose an arm. You could, yeah. I mean, what if you just rolled over and this thing's like, You just drop your

It would take it It doesn't differentiate It's like putting it in a lawn more Yeah It's a huge issue I've lost a lot of duvets Have you ever done this Just to be creative

Because you're a creative person You ever get a pair of your grandparents Dentures And put them inside the And just so when it's like I put my own dentures in Oh wow Yeah

And then you get a cob of corn And then when Papa gets hungry You can just put a roll A cob of corn down there And it's like Yeah Yeah, that's right. That's right.

I'm just asking, God, I'm a guy. We don't know these things. Yeah, it's a wood chipper. Right? Because if I was a girl, now that I hear this, I would get creative. You know, men get creative. Men, you hear these stories. Some boys will stick their thing in a watermelon,

or they'll stick it through a hole in the wall, or they'll do this, they'll do that. So I'm just assuming girls get creative with their pulsing mouth. Yeah, we do some carrots, tubers put in there. It's a tuber. I think it's like a form of root vegetable. A tuber? Turnup and parsnip.

Tubers. Okay. I think it might be tubers. But we can't get that creative because also when we put that stuff in there, stuff kind of goes awry. Oh, so there's toast in there? Yeah. I'll take a tuber on rye, please.

Yeah, things can go crazy. You can really smash the penis up, but the vagina, you've got to be more careful with it because it'll get passive aggressive. So what was your question, though? got distracted about the pulsing what were you what was your specific question i got so well that's i used to have a joke where i would talk about how the pulsing thing does that and how it reminds me when you take a dog out of water and keeps kicking its little like oh okay which was which was related to us

talking about the guy the guy in the wheelchair even though he wasn't on the ground yes what is that term called it's like an impulse reaction or what is it called there's some kind of medical term for that when something involuntary oh like you know Like rigor mortis? No, like when you clean a fish and you take its heart out and its heart is still beating or you cut a chicken's head off and it's still running. It's like involuntary manslaughter or something. I don't know the second word, obviously.

Isn't it manslaughter the craziest? What was the other one that is manslaughter? What's the other one that is bad? Translaughter? No, that's legal. Is there translaughter? Now that everyone wants to be equal? Now there's translaughter, yeah?

manslaughter, manslaughter, translaughter, he they, she, slaughterer. Wow, serial killers don't have it easy. Gee, who should I go kill tonight? He, she, they, them, it, translaughter. Oh, fuck it. I'll just kill myself. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. There's mischief. That's actually a legal term. You can be committing mischief. Wow. We got to look up terms because they're very funny. Manslaughter. I bet elves get elves get nailed with that a lot, mischiefs.

I just picture them sneak to them. sneaking around in the blueberry bushes giggling. Yeah. You're there. You're there behind the blueberry bushes. Just causing mischief, the little else, throwing blueberries of people. Yeah. Mischief, there was another one.

Misdemeanor. I always thought that was if somebody was a pedophile, but I didn't, I didn't. Mistameter? I just, like, missed him with his weiner or missed a minor. I don't know, but I always kind of thought that. When somebody was like, I got a misdemeanor, I was always like, oh, you're bad. Yeah. Yeah, that always sounded like a beautiful word to me.

Felony? Sounds like a horse. Sounds like a breed of horse. Yeah. We have the Chessile. And may we present the prince's felony? Yeah. I'm going to name my kid felony.

Yeah. Come, felony. Come and eat in the barn. Uh-huh. Yeah. Like that? Just like that. Suck me sideways till Thursday.

It's not on Thursday. It's on Tuesday. Don't do that. Dude, I don't know what it is. I need to take a suckling class. Yeah. Okay, so you said you were going to get crude. Go ahead. What do we? What's the crude thing? I already did. It's the vagina. Oh. Yeah. I wasn't that crude. I also heard that the squirting, when a woman squirts, it's because they're favoring that man's semen.

What do you mean? Like, if a woman squirts, it's because their vaginas being like this, they are favoring, like they create a viscosity to, to what's it called when you go down the river? Canoeing? Yeah. To canoe it up into them better. I think so. I think I read that. Because I looked up, why do people squirt? And I think it's being like, we got to make this into a vortex.

This is a tough topic for me. I have a bit of childhood trauma with the squirting thing. Really? Your mom? Well, yeah, you were talking earlier. My mom was a squirter. And you were talking earlier about the heat. and in my neighborhood my parents were cheap

and we had the you know they tell you I had to ration the water and the kids wanted to play in the sprinkler and my mother would run out and lay on the lawn and squirt she would lay on the lawn her legs thrashing around and the children running through the spray and it was just I don't well

some of us didn't have money Children got hot in the summer and needed some sprinkler action. My mother was a squirder, and I'm not going to let you laugh at that. My God, how dare you? I'm really sorry. I laugh sometimes when I have sympathy and empathy at my heart. Like, okay, okay. You know, it's like that song,

I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral, you know, that song. Oh, what was the last, I hate to bring, when was the last funeral you were at? Oh, good question. Yeah. I have one in about an hour. Oh, the guy. You, me.

Wow. That's cool. I like that. Yeah. That's a cool answer. It's morbid and a little scary and a little, but I think I'm ready, you know. Really? Yeah, I've had a big, long, beautiful life.

say that to myself. If the day comes, I'm not looking back. I got no regrets. Are you excited about the future? You're really having a, I hate when people say this, moment. I hate when people say that. Yeah, I don't like that. Right. Moments. Life is every, life is a collection of moments. Yeah. There is no moment. It's a, it's a decouage of moments. It's a tapestry of moments. It's a totem pole of moments. It's one moment step on top of the other. It's a lasagna of moments, if you will, sir. Yeah, it's time. I don't know why I suddenly became like a British lawmaker, but I did. Yeah. It's a lasagna of moments, sir. Lawmaker. Well, I just had a bad moment, but it was a moment. It was a moment. It was a moment.

It was a really bad moment. It's okay. Lawmaker. Yeah. Who make, somebody who makes the laws, huh? Yeah. That's his job? I'm a lawmaker. Have you heard of your attorney general? He's a lawmaker?

He's a lawmaker. Oh, I see, I see. You could call him attorney general. You could say, you're there. Lawmaker. I see, I see. I see. I actually voted for you.

Give me a law real quickly. When you're right, it'd whip me up a cold slough. But yeah, I hope I didn't leave you hanging with the advice on your guy. No, you're right. I get the advice a lot. You got to let it go. it loose it's it is also there is a there is also like a mutual understanding between like it's happened so much that at this point it's like there's a little part of me it's like here we go again and it

it also is like it's going to happen until i'm bored of it and this time i have been more bored of it than anything because i it was like i used to be very like entranced by it because it was like this impending doom yeah and now it's like when it happens i'm like all right i can't let myself go through the whole like morning process so i just have to ride with it and now that that I'm losing the high from the breakup, like that, like, ah, it's like, you know what I mean? It feels a little like if we, I'm losing the highs and lows, which is not, why would I do? Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh.

You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland. Is the makeup sex a big part of it? because that you let's be honest i think we've all had that and it is pretty incredible

but has that come into play yeah but it's not because i'm always so furious because i'm always so like oh my god here we go again it's not like it was it's gotten less and less like when at first started it was like finally and now it's like dude what do we i mean the intensity's gone or it's yeah it's a little bit more like intensity turning into dependency which can be yeah not a good cocktail. Yeah, cock. Oh, is that a, is that a vape? Talk to me about the vape thing. No. No. Well, my podcast, we're going to talk about the vape. This has a rocket on it. Oh, wow, it lights up. Show it to the camera. That's, oh my God, I hate that. Wow, that's cool. It looks like a cell phone. It's kind of cute. Are you smoking a phone? I am. I'm smoking my

calls. Holy shit. All your contacts are going right into your lungs. Yeah. It's a problem. Mom. She's in there If you, like, breathe too deeply It'll call your mom No, no, no, no, no You get... Boop-be-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poh. Mom?

Hello? Where are? Mom, I got to go. I'm having a fight with my... I didn't mean that. No. Guy. Carol.

Danny? What's his name? Polly? Oh, my God. Snap out of it. Oh, my God. okay um one more thing i want to bring let's bring it back to new york let's get away from the guy new york dinosaurs we all love it right it's you love it well it's an iconic city you were at the

cellar you know what you said what you said i was at the comedy cellar in new york you were at the comedy cellar in new york and i bombed it was a bombable show you said i didn't bomb but it was a bomb show no and you went up and you what's your name the guy goes nick nader and you go, Nader, I hardly know her. And then you went, does anyone else want to fuck her out? And I was losing my mind. I was losing my mind.

That was good, though. You should come and do the seller more, because we need more, we need more Canadian, we need more weird. You know what's funny? So the comedy seller is an iconic legendary club, comedy club in New York. Yeah. I've been there twice in my life. That was the second

time I ever played it was when I was with you. about a month and a half ago. Whoa. And the first time I went, because I rarely ever play New York, it's very rare I do stand up in New York. The first time I went there, the doorman said,

who are you? And I was like, Harlem Williams, I'm here to, he goes, you're not on the list. I said, no, I'm one of the comics.

He goes, no. And he had to go, like, get the owner. Like, they have no idea who I am there. And it was sort of neat, but I was a little bit like, oh, but it was sort of like,

oh, this is kind of cool. Yeah. And then you go in there and there's a real sort of historic New Yorkie vibe to it. You know, like New York, I think, has a grungier, jazzier vibe with the stand-up. Even though you're doing the same thing, it's just the environment, that city, the grit of New York. What would you say the vibe here is? The vibe here is a little more like you almost, like a little more open and flowy. It's not quite as gritty, you know.

That's how I always feel like at the comedy store. I'm like, I think I could punch through this wall. Yeah. Well, it's like in New York, I walk through the gritty streets past, you know, old buildings and grime and homeless people and people yelling and you hear a subway going off. And in L.A., I go to a comedy club and I pull up in a valet takes my car and I go in and do my set. So it's just a little, the energy, the flow is, they're both fantastic. Like they're both, to me, a state. Anywhere is great to me but LA New York definitely has that kind of sort of street kind of feel

which I like I really enjoy that it's fun and it's it's on the comics too like the comics wear it like when I go there I can feel that sort of energy on them and it's it's just I don't know there's something really organic it's a rawness I would say but ironically there's more of a hang yeah you know like it seems harder but here it's like Like at the end of the show, everybody's like, well, see, I'm going to go up to my place that's 45 minutes away. And you're like, well, why aren't we going to hold each other's hands in a booth for three hours? That's what I do.

When I do my set, I'm just gone. Like, I just, I'm gone. But there it feels like there's a little bit more of a little bit more of a community where I got the sense people hung around and talk. And that threw me a bit because even when I was there at the store, I was like, okay, I'm going to go. Like, I didn't really hang around because I'm not used to that. Yeah. I could see that being fun.

Yeah. It's very fun. You go next door, you get food, you draw on the chalk table. Oh, really? You draw caricatures of your friends, yeah. Like chalk outlines of people you want to kill? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. You play hangman.

Wow. What did you say? I've probably got about 48 minutes now. You said I had an hour. To live? Yeah. Well, we can get an extension until I'm done talking. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. That sounds fair. When I'm done, that's when the hour is up. Yeah. Well, okay. so one quick thing with that I don't know if I love about New York and let's see how you feel about this are we in a place in history an American history world history where New York now I've been going

there for my whole life and it's still relatively the same the buildings the street the noise the crosswalks you know Times Square has had a facelift but it's still time square the city looks like the way it looks outside of the Twin Towers that they rebuilt. It's just sort of the same thing. On the global stage is, is New York becoming really antiquated when you compare it to places like Dubai and in Saudi Arabia, they're now constructing this thing called the line. Have you heard about this? So it's a, in the middle of the desert in Saudi Arabia, for a trillion dollars, they're building a 130-mile structure called the line. And it's basically, I think it's only like half a mile across or a mile across.

And it's a straight line through the dunes of the desert, mirrored on each side, an upper layer where people live, a middle layer shops and offices and everything, and an underground layer with a magnetic transportation thing. A society sandwich? This whole thing built on green energy and a whole society will live in there, millions of people. Yeah, but somebody can just hack it. Yeah, they could hack the society.

You'll hack the society. It's over. Yeah, there'll be no life today. Click. Yeah. Shut it all down. But what I'm saying, and I love that because that's probably a reality. But what I'm saying is you look at New York and it almost feels like a bit of a postcard when you start to compare.

it to the modern engineering and the futuristic cities of today and tomorrow, and I don't see New York ever changing. And does this city get to a place where it just kind of feels like really old fashion? And even though it's still got its charm, like, does it have to catch up, do you think? I don't think it has to catch up. I think it'll become like, you know, how you go to Rome and you're like, this is nice how people are still talking in the streets and playing cards. I think it'll be like that. Like, you go there for like the culture, like how you go to Greece or something. Yeah. But I don't know if L.A. is going to keep up either. I mean, L.A. is in the same place. I dare say the whole country is sort of like that. It feels like America, and I'm not bashing America. I'm just being honest.

It feels like we're still, everywhere you look, we're still in the mid-1980s or 70s. Like all the malls and all the buildings. The malls. Can you believe those are so much. There's nothing really that futuristic, considering where we are today with technology and iPhones. It feels like, the cities haven't kept up with modern times and even when we create something like the Tesla truck doesn't it still kind of look like an 80s movie trying to be like in the future it'll be like this it sort of looks like something from night rider or something yeah it looks but like Sweden I think has like a pod they have an electric system that that is transportation to the city that's all green energy and wow yeah I think and they wanted to do it where I'm from in Ithaca and then it got we lived with the guy named christer who was trying to make

Ithaca the next pod city oh wow he made a lot of cheesy uh pasta that I ate a lot of I was a very fat child but I think like Sweden in places like that I mean even there are prison systems in other places are like it's trying to get rehabilitate people and have programs where we're just like cage creature in cage yeah right long time that's what I mean a mayor even the airports here antiquated. You go to any other city in a foreign country and the airport seems so advanced and superior and we just feels like we're stuck here. I want to go to Dubai. You do? Yeah, I was told it's amazing. Yeah, I want to go too. I haven't been. No, I haven't been to Dubai. I will wait to kill you. Dubai. Yeah. You say hello. Dubai later. You say hello. Dubai. Dubai. Dubai.

Duluth, Minnesota. Good place. Thanks. God, mentoids from the fifth dimension. Well, I want to do something with you that we do on every show. Really? Every show. Yeah, it's our final segment.

It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe. And this is an authentic Dutch clog. Yeah. And you reach in, pull out a word. Where did you get that? Dutch? No, a friend of mine bought these in Holland for me. I actually wore these on Letterman once.

Yeah, Holland Williams. Wow. So you reach in, pull out a word, and see if there's a story from your journey, whether it's you, something you saw, a friend, something that relates to the word that you can share with my nine viewers. Okay. Yeah. What is the word?

Is it blank? Yeah. Oh, shit. Throw that one away. I have a lot of stories that can relate to this. I'll try it. Sorry. How did that get in there?

Larry. Larry, okay. That's not a word. That's a name. Is there anything that if we can do another one if nothing comes from Larry? A story that comes from Larry. You never know. Okay, can I switch it to Jerry?

Sure, yeah. Okay. See, it's spawned Jerry. Larry spawned Jerry. You really wrote Larry down at one more? Larry, yeah. You just never know. Look, if I didn't write Larry, it would have led to Jerry.

And now we're going to get a great Jerry story. This is a good Jerry story. Finally. So I used to be a roofer. I used to be a contractor, but I was in Chicago roofing. I was going to say when you walk in, you look like you had shingles. Listen, we don't cut that out. Okay.

Now I, go ahead. So you're a roofer. And I was working for this man named Jerry. Yeah. And he would sit on the roofer. He would sit on the roof and order us around and he would take his t-shirt and tie his head up in it because it was really hot and he was fat pink man. Wow. And he'd sit on the roof and yeah, he yelled at us.

And we got fired, me and the guy was dating at the time because. Wait, you were dating another roofer? I was dating a guy and I brought him on the roof to help. I was like, we can roof to make money in Chicago. Oh, you don't want to date a roofer, especially if you leave your drinks around. What do they do with them? I put a roofie in it. Oh, I thought you were going to say they build a little roofie.

on it, which is also quite annoying. No, I think we'll stick with what I said. Okay. So you wouldn't force your jokes into my jokes and power fuck them. Really is what it felt like a joke rape almost just happened there. I don't think. Okay, so you're on the roof with the roofer and his name's Jerry or is the fat pink guy Jerry? Fat pink guy's Jerry.

Or Santa. Okay. Yeah. And the problem was we got fired because the guy was. dating, Paul would always kind of faint when we were up there a little bit. On the roof. Well, he wouldn't faint, but he would get really lightheaded. Yeah.

So. There's a lot of heat coming off of those shingles. Well, I think he would faint at the idea of falling off. Oh, he would just think about it. Oh, he was a hypochondriac, yeah. No, just a big imagination. Okay. And so then we got fired, but we needed our money really bad and we were owed like two weeks.

So this is the smartest thing I've ever seen. Insurance scam. We thought of this idea that Paul would call and go, hey, Jerry, this is Jordan and Paul. We're just looking to get that last paycheck. But, you know, no pressure, no rush, just get back to us what you can. And then we would call pretty much, and he never picked up, pretty much like every five hours, right? And then at one point, like two days in, he checks his voicemail. And it just was lined up.

And he just started, hey, Jerry, this is Jordan and Paul. Hey, Jerry, this is Jordan and Paul. Hey, Jerry, this is Jordan and Paul, just trying to get it. he was identical and he thought we were crazy so he gave us our money wow yeah pretty good right how much money did you remember right 240 all that hey jerry just for that yeah but it was very funny because he had to get it identical every time because it had to be really scary you know it had to be spot on any little quiver in the voice we had to delete it and redo it wait so the point being he you wanted him to think you guys were crazy we wanted to scare him into being like oh these people

are nuts yeah totally wow we needed the money we needed the money we We couldn't think of any way to do it because he was like, I'm not paying you guys. So we just called. And if we kept calling with different voicemails, you know, but there was something that got him about listening to the same. Same. Same. Yeah. And did it ever get past just, Hey, Jerry.

Or did. No, we did a whole ones. Hey, Jerry. This is Paul and Jordan just calling to get the last paycheck. Hey, you know, we would do the whole thing. But the same exact sentence every time. Give us a call back when you can. The number is.

Thanks. Bye. Hey. Wow. Yeah. have you ever heard a one time i heard a kid pick up the he said watch all these voicemails for my dad and everyone was like hey rick it's dad just calling at 1152 a m and then we looked at the times and they were just way off they were never the right time oh maybe the dad was cheating on his kid

maybe lying about times and places yeah but that's a scary one do you only do another one another jerry yeah i ripped it up in my hands oh do you have another jerry story? No. Oh, you mean another word. You want to do another one? Oh, sure. Yeah. I just did this last night for stand-up on the spot. Oh, go in there. Yeah. Get another. I love it. I love how the Larry led to the Jerry. That's what I love about words from, what's this one? Watch it say Jerry. This one is back, backwards. Okay. What do I have for backwards? One time I went down a waterfall backwards. That's not very interesting backwards. A waterfall? Yeah. You mean like over a waterfall? It was a small one.

It was like this tall, but it was a big dam, and you'd sit on the edge of the dam, and I kind of was just talking to my dad and up against the dam, and then I guess I got too close to the one of the one. I just went backwards down and all the way down. Tumbled backwards, downwards? Yeah. How high was it would you say if you could guesstimate? I would say it was about five feet.

Okay. So it wasn't a life-altering, life-ending, life-injuring. No, no. It was very funny. think of a girl who I was I was she fell down the we were up in my tree fort and there was a door that was open and we were in a big fight and we were talking and she was kind of trashy and then all of a sudden she stepped backwards and I watched her fall backwards all the way down to the ground and I remember being I remember being a little kid and be like I'm going to be framed for killing her she was fine but

whoa kids are like that they're so flexible they can drop out of trees isn't that crazy yeah they can fall out of airplane not now isn't that nuts not now it's not weird this just falling on it. How come it's always the hip? Well, let me tell you a quick story before we go, my dad, okay, two years ago when he was 94, he was staying at my sister's house. There's a mile down the road because there was some construction going on. They were fixing something at his house. Stayed at my sister's house for like a week. Yeah. Okay, they go through her back door, which is out of, no, no, the back door to her house. and her lawn's there, right?

And so my dad, my sister's at work. My dad's going in the house, he steps backwards, falls on the lawn. 94 breaks his hip, okay, breaks his hip. He's laying on the ground. This is my 94-year-old dad, crawls to his car. My 94 gets in, drives himself to the hospital. Oh, my God. Gets to the hospital.

The doctor was there to do surgery on somebody. they didn't show up whether they died or they couldn't get there. The surgery guy? The guy who was supposed to get surgery. The doctor was there. My dad walks in and he goes, well, the guy canceled, let's do you. They say if you get to someone's broken hip, like within, you know, 10 hours or something, the healing process like goes up exponentially.

Yeah. And so they put my dad, we went in surgery like with an hour of being there. Oh my God. He was walking two days later. What? Yeah, unreal. Wow. Yeah, so well.

That's some superhero shit. Yeah, my dad. The army crawled to the car? Army and drove him, so like he's such a nut, yeah. Big Johnny. That's awesome. Does he do any drugs or anything? Probably has to.

He's got to be jacked up on meth or something. Probably horse tranquilizer if I know him. Yeah. Nutbag. I think he eats a salt lick before bed. Have you ever seen those? Yeah. Those big blue ones at the cattle lick.

Yeah, I used to let, we had a horse and I would look. I think my dad has a salt lick beside his bed. Oh, I've heard that about him. Johnny Saltlick. There it is. I know that about it. Everybody's talking about it. All right.

Please tell us before we go, this is your moment to tell everyone where they can find you, where they can see you, where they can watch you, tell them about your podcast, your stand-up schedule, please. Wow. Okay. I have a new podcast called RIP Jordan Jensen. Oh, wow. Yeah, which I do in my house.

Oh, nice. That's where I get, we get, we go in on stuff. I'm a place where I'm allowed to ask anybody questions that you're not really allowed to ask people. Oh, wow. That's the rule. Okay. And then I do, I have B&N with Jordan, which you did, really fun podcasts. I do with him.

Loved it. That's a great time. Thank you for having me, by the way. Oh, so fun. You got a blast. And, uh, I'm on, uh, I'm on tour forever. And my tickets are at punchup. Dot live slash Jordan Jensen.

Wow. Yeah. And just as we're going out, any message to the guy as we kind of fade out here, a final closing thought to maybe... Hey, Jerry, it's Jordan, just calling to get my $240 back. Leave a message after the beat. Now we know who Jerry is. Ladies and gentlemen, you've been on the Holland Highway with Jordan and me. What a great time.

Thank you, my love. That's it, folks. Get up on your roof. make love not war and until next time chicken chowmaine squirters