The Harland Highway - JOSH WOLF does battle with SIRI, talks bar fights, and how humor is for all peoples!!

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Josh Wolf shares his bar fight stories, and battles with Siri! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your device.

devices, or alerts you to real-time threats and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. If you've ever eaten a matza sandwich or matza, there's not a whole lot of moisture. Why? It's unleavened dry. It's like a crack. I don't even know what unleavened means.

I've got to be honest. I've heard that term. I've heard of unleaded gas. Yeah. I don't know what unleavened bread is. Unleavened bread. Do they sell unleaven bread at 7-Eleven? Or 7-1-11?

It's only 7-1-11. Oh, God. The 7-1-that's why, because I shop at 7-11. No, it's 7-1- Yeah. Oh. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams.

How many? I've been doing How long have I been doing stand-up comedy? Yeah Bro, I think I started And this between me and you I don't want my viewers to see this or hear this Which camera do I get to stare at this

You stare at that one And just kind of give the same look I did Like you don't want anyone to hear this or see this I started in the 80s Were there microphones back then? No You had to do one. You had to yell through a traffic cone, the orange ones.

Unbelievable. Yeah, did you have, like, one of those old directors' cones with the, did you have to wear the beret, too? Oh, yeah, even the way I talked. So these three guys walk into a bar, see? Yeah, I'm going downtown, see? I'm going downtown, see. I'm going to call the coppers. Ah, okay.

Yeah, that kind of thing. It was, when did you start? I started in the 60s. And, yeah. What? Yeah, I did. I started in the 60s. Wow, dude, what a mind bender.

It was. It was crazy. Trippy. Yeah, we used to sit and smoke camel dung. Wow. Yeah. Wow. And that stuff will burn for seven or eight days.

Yeah, it really does. That's a good smoke. It really, and you don't need, it's better when it's dry. Oh, dude. Is that a kazoo? Yeah. Wait. Yeah, I was about to say I'm always confused which end to blow into.

Yeah, that's what she's. Yeah. Was there anything you wanted to hear before we kind of, pop into the podcast, just to warm up? I'd like a little smoke on the water if I could. I'm sort of dysfunctional that way, yeah, yeah. You had a guitar accompaniment, which I liked. Yeah, it's that happens when I make love.

to watch someone else do it beside me just as a guide oh i thought you meant you did the guitar when you did it when you made love no i wish my fingers were that nimble yeah if you could do the guitar and the yeah i could if i could do the guitar fingers i'd probably be able to help a girl get off but the way i have to have a couple beside me while i have to watch yeah and then i sort of figure out what to do i'm not good on my own well it feels like a lot of work yeah too much work yeah yeah I wish it was easier. Yeah. This is the thing.

If it was easier, I'd be more interested. Yeah. But I'm not into the hard work. I don't blame you guys. You know what I mean? Yeah. And plus, I've been married 20 years. Oh, you blew into the different end that time.

Taking care of business. Yeah, because you said he didn't like the hard work. That's right. You see what I do? Bachman Turner Overdrive. No, thanks. I'm busy. I mean, dude, I'm trying to do a podcast.

Come on, guy. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Holla Howie podcast, Cajun style. Josh Wolper's back. And, uh, buddy, welcome, dude. So excited to be here, man. Yeah, second visit, bro. Listen, I had so much fun the first time writing those redneck jokes.

Oh, dude. I've been excited and waiting to come back. I got some in the chamber. You got some in the chambers? Yeah, in the chames. I'm almost wondering, do we start with them? Or do we do a topic and then segue in? I want to feel your energy.

I mean, we could split the difference if you wanted to just tease people. Oh, yeah, maybe do two each and then do a topic. Yeah, and then jump back in. Bro. Okay, hold on. Go ahead. Oh, my God. Let me get my glasses, too.

We both need our glasses. How old were you when you get? I would rather wear glasses all the time than have to put these make me feel old. Now, these in particular. Yeah. Which one? Let's decide.

Who's our worst? Oh, mine. Yeah. You look like a freaking bingo lady that's on opioids, man. Wow. Well, I'm going to tell you, I buy all of my reading glasses in the airport at Hudson News. Yeah. And these are called Elton.

They're called. They're by Elton John. They're called Pop Specks. And these were the only ones available. Those look a lot like Helen Keller blue frames to me. I mean, dude. I mean, you literally look like not just an old lady, but the kind that drives through a street carnival

and kills about nine children, they just fly over the roof like pancakes. Yeah. Yeah. This is not a friendly grandma's glasses. Now. So glasses. Yeah.

That's like arsenic and the cinn squares. Sinus squares. Well, my grandmother's. love to make cinnamon squares. I just condensed it, yeah. I thought my mind went to Center Square, Paul Lynn. I was like, why is she killing Paul Lynn Sinuswear? Wow.

One of my all-time favorite TV. I don't know what he did besides Center Square. A little movie called Bye Bye Birdie with Dick Van Dyke. Hello. I did not know that, although a big, but by the way, there's a name you couldn't have in today's Hollywood. Dick Van Dyke. Penis van Lesbian?

Yeah, you're canceled immediately. Right when you're like, my name's Dick Van Dyke, they'd be like, nah, we can't hear. Can you imagine, like, here's your mother, you pop out, doctor picks you up and just goes canceled, yeah, throws you over. We're going to call him, Dick Van, what? Fuck off. You're not coming into this world. No.

Dick, not only that, I think in general, I think the name Dick is probably not obsolete at this point, right? Nobody goes by, there was a baseball player named Dick Pole, who pitched for the Red Sox. But like... Well, did you know Dick Van Dyke's brother, Twat Von Anus? This guy, he was his older brother and got canceled like way before Dick Van Dyke, but Twat Van Anus was... But there was also that Clit von Taint. Oh, yeah.

Who was their cousin from Romania. Oh, God, that guy. He was a great dancer. Yeah. Clit von Taint. Oh, my God. He put his shoes on, that dude could get into it. That guy could slide like a fucking Ferris wheel on Dolly Parton's left ass cheek.

What the hell? Come on. I really wanted to know how you were going to finish that one. Yeah, I didn't know. And who cares? And why her left-ass cheek? Because the right one's got the swirling teacups on it. And we are done, folks.

What a show. What a show. We can't go beyond that barrier. Let's wrap it up. Real quick. Dude, your jacket says Kathy on it, speaking of names. Yeah. What's that all about?

Who did you rob in an alley? I had to mug that bitch to get this. What the hell? This is one of my new favorite purchases from iguana right down the street from on the other side of the hill. What? Yeah. Oh, it's like a retro, like vintage store? Yeah, I like going in and buying other people's clothes.

Those are a riot. Yeah. Do you ever sniff the underarms when you go in the... I'm going to be honest, bro. I like the vintage stuff. My least favorite part about going into the vintage store, I feel like I'm walking into a funeral home. Yeah.

Because you just, right away, it's half the clothes are from dead people. Yeah. Well, you know nobody else has ever worn that shirt for sure. Yeah. This is one of one. Right. This is 101. I don't, yeah.

But those stores, it smells like mothballs and it's creepy, but yet you're going in, you find the coolest stuff. I have to tell you, I've never thought of it as being dead people's clothes. but now that's all I'll think about. Yeah. You didn't smell that. You didn't smell death when you walked in to the vintage. I smell moth balls.

It's musty, right? Definitely is musty. But I just assume that's the people who are working there. I don't want to go into a store and it smells like the backside of a border crossing guards nutbag. You know what I mean? I actually do know what you mean. Oh, really? Yeah.

When and where? Crossing the border from California into Mexico Well, Mexico back into California When? Okay, this is a real... This is wild. Wow, do I... Look, before we go into this,

can I just give myself a pat on the back for somehow tapping into great stories? No, go. Tapping into the back of a nut sack. Well, I said stories. In order to pay for my wedding, I didn't have any money. Okay.

My wife started a business where we made, we were in Mexico and we saw these belt buckles that we both loved. And she was like, I am going to get somebody to make a lot of these for us and hand make the belts. We're going to sell them. That's how we're going to pay for our wedding. Oh, wow. So our wedding was in April. In December, after we had paid for all of our deposits and everything, together combined in our bank account, all in, we had $1,200. That counts for rent, starting in January, January, March, January, February, March, and then into April.

So we needed rent, we needed to live, plus we needed to pay for the rest of the wedding. Where'd you have the wedding on some land? Yeah, basically. Well, this is the thing. We didn't have money for what she wanted to do, but we put the deposit down. And she and I have always been a, we'll figure it out. Oh, I love that. That's the mark of a good woman.

Because isn't it just really about the love and all that kind of fanfare around it? It would be great if you could have the most grandiose wedding. But when you have a woman that just says, let's just do it. I don't care. You got a good woman. And she said, we'll figure it out. Love it. So we made these belts and bellbuggles.

Yeah. We went down to Mexico. Dude, we had them made, I can say this out loud now. Yeah. We had them made all in. It was like $12. dollars each belt belt buckle and for me to go down there counting gas and all this stuff yeah i came back and i said to a dude who was big in the fashion industry here i said hey

what do you think about this belt and belt buckle we want to sell them for i may i get him for like 12 we want to sell them for 50 yeah and he said you won't sell any of those for 50 but you'll sell them all for 350 and i said why and he said people here don't want a bargain they want to feel like they're buying the best that's true that's true and he said you could sell them for 10 at a bargain or $3.50, but that middle ground, nobody's buying them. Yeah. So I went, dude, I sold him to, uh, what's the, uh, not Benny Siegel, Fred Siegel. Fred Siegel, yeah.

I put him in Fred Siegel. I put him in stores all around here. I put him in Nordstrom. What? Dude, we made off of these belt and belt buckles. Yeah. In four months over $40,000. What?

We, we paid for the rest of our wedding. We paid for our rent. and well one time we're driving back up right and the guy and I had a bunch of belt buckles and belts in my I had 50 she needed him for a trunk show she was doing stopped so I get stopped and before we had come down so I get stopped and they said do you have anything to declare and nobody had ever pulled me over before and I said no and the guy was like pull it over oh damn so he searches it he sees the fill 50 belts and belt buckles and he goes man these you need to declare these you're selling these and I said to him I'm not selling them I'm not selling them I'm having a wedding, 25 for boys, 25 for girls, their wedding presents. Nice, dude, clever. So he's like, uh-huh, and he goes, get out of the car. Oh, not so clever. And he goes, we're searching the car.

And so before we had left, my wife had given me this price list. And I was like, I don't need the price list. I know much it is. She goes, take it. I got, I don't need it. I know much it is. And she goes, take it. She crinkled it up and she threw it in the car.

And I just knocked it in the back. They found that. Don't the wife's always ruin everything? She was smart before. and now you're like fuck her right the guy said to me take these belt buckles back to where you got them or i'm going to impound your car and when you come back through here guarantee i'm searching oh dude so i called my wife and she said we need those 50 get them across the border how you can oh you didn't put them up your ass to all 50 i no uh my sister-in-law owns nursing homes and owns runs runs runs

nursing homes here okay one of her nurses was like telling him to go to whatever tacos and ask for a guy named juan give one four hundred dollars i went to tacos won showed up i gave him four hundred dollars i gave him the 50 belt buckles 50 belts and he said they'll be in la tomorrow morning don't worry oh yeah and were they they were man one came through like a and i when i drove back through the guy didn't even check the van he just waved at me oh shit yeah dude but I almost had to sniff because he told me, he said, you know what you don't want to do? I said what? He said, you don't want to spend a week in a Mexican jail.

Yeah. I don't think that would have been my best situation. And look at you. Yeah. Yeah, you look delicious. I do. I'm not even Mexican and I'm already fan of sizing. Like a taco.

Wow. I, it was, we sold belts and buckles there for like two or three months. And that was it. Then the business blew up. You know what? I think I love that story, but the point we really got to drive home here is that, folks, I have a full-fledged smuggler on the Harlan Highway today. And I don't think any other podcasts, I don't think Theo Vaughn can come close to that.

No. Rogan, you can go suck a sea biscuit. I got a bona fide Mexican smuggler with granny glasses. in a Kathy jacket and a real fucking sour attitude on life and I love it. But one thing Josh and I did last time.

So much fun, dude. We decided because, you know, we're kind of like Midwestern. We're kind of good old boys to a degree. We like our baseball hats. We like to kind of suck the seeds out of a fucking watermelon on a hot summer day. Sure.

And so we thought, let's slam out some redneck jokes. You know, Jeff Foxworthy does those, you might be your redneck jokes. So why don't we kind of, last time we did a block of them. Yeah. Why don't we like tease them through the show? Perfect. Why don't we start with two each? And you have the honors, my smuggler, my guy.

All right. Here we go. You ready? Yeah. If you ever included a pussy story. Wait, wait, wait. You got to do it in the voice thing. If you ever included a pussy story in a eulogy, you might be a redneck.

Nice. If your mother thinks getting a Brazilian means abducting a small South American child from Walmart, you might be a redneck. If your family refers to your sister's vagina as the sleeping bag, you might be a redneck. When your loved ones perish and you decide not to pay for a funeral and have them taxidermied instead, you might be a redneck. And those are just the warm-up ones. I like those. I like those.

Yeah. Fun. I mean. Two. Well. Well, you, uh, way. Uh, yeah. Oh, okay.

Okay. Okay. Those are hard to get through sometimes. Hey, folks, just a quick reminder. Don't forget about the Harland Highway hotline where you can phone in and leave a message and you might make it on the show. So give us a ring.

Talking about marriage, how long have you been married? 20 years this year. Okay, so you found a good woman. You're doing it right. You're still together. Yeah. If there was an amendment you can make to marriage after all the time you put in,

if there was something in that rule book of marriage that you could alter or change, what would it be and it doesn't have to be agreeable with your wife it could just be like the way you see it and if you want to add your wife to it if you think she'd be on board with it then

but is there anything in it that you would alter that just you don't think needs to be there should change? Yeah I mean I know this right off the top of my head I've soft tossed it to her as a joke a few times just to see but I think a second place

where we can just somebody i can just be like you know what i've seen you a lot this week oh wow i'm just going to go stay over there not where i need not where i'm going to be fucking just second place that's quiet yeah i can watch whatever i want yeah i can whatever i can smoke inside yeah whatever i think a second place oh that's a good one would be great for every marriage where you could just be like instead of stomping around the house slamming doors yeah because there are times when you annoy the fuck out of each other. Yeah. Why not have a second place?

And you have a place where basically you've got no eyes or ears on you. It's just like a flop house. Yes, that's it. Yeah. Wow. And I think people think the worst, like some sort of nefarious. Yeah. You automatically go to fucking.

I'm at an age where I would prefer just hot coffee and silence to sex sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know? Oh, I know. That's what I normally do get. But. thanks a lot for bringing that up well maybe your house you have your second house there's sex there I don't know how you I wish yeah but for me that's what it is what a great because you know

what I found out from the 20 years of marriage and how much I travel yeah time apart is actually maybe one of the best the biggest reasons why we're still together and like each other so much because you have that room to breathe yeah and you have that that kind of the enchantment of coming back home and it reignites the spark all the time good good and there's sometimes like I just had six weeks off and about three weeks in she said to me when are you going back on the road yeah yeah I've had about enough of this yeah because sometimes when you come back off the road you know when we're on the road we're autonomous yeah and I just do what I want and when I want and that's kind of the energy I bring back home and she's like hey this is not

yeah yeah we're watching you know we're a team here yeah we're watching at emily in paris tonight yeah yeah yeah fuck well that same kind of a philosophy probably translates to a lot of couples nowadays i've heard sleep in different bedrooms even though they're married have you have you heard that or is that something you'd tap into i don't think that's good for marriage oh you don't no because but a whole different house is just fine one feels like and i'll tell you why because this one feels like we're right here, but I'd still rather be across the hall than next to you. So I would say, do you know what I mean? Yeah. That's a little different.

There are times, both my wife and I have trouble sleep, man. Oh. There are times when I wake up and she's not there. She's like got up earlier and gone and watch TV or whatever, but we go to sleep in the same place. Okay, okay. Don't you think it's a little different, a different room as opposed to a different home? I figure four feet across the hall versus a whole new piece of architecture at the other end of the city might be a little more intimate there.

Yeah, but one feels way more like a fuck you. The right across the hall feels meaner. Am I wrong? Well, I don't know. This is, I've been hearing a lot that this is a thing that people is becoming more acceptable, but then let me toss in bad sleeping habits. Yeah. Like if you're a snorer or you,

roll around a lot, or you speak in tongues or whatever the hell you do, then I think you almost got to get to go to the other room. Let me ask you a question. Now, you travel a lot. Yeah. I had somebody on an overnight flight next to me be a ridiculous snorer. On the airplane. On the airplane.

Yeah. So I woke him up. Now, tell me if I'm the asshole. No. I woke him up. I was like, hey, man. And he was like, I can't help it. And I was like, cool.

but if I'm not sleeping, and neither are you. Yeah, yeah. This is not, you're going to, how, do you need a coffee? Yeah. Because, and the guy in front of me, he said the same thing. He was like, yeah, dude, I can't sleep. He was like, what do you? The guy, the snorer was like, well, what do you expect me to do?

I was like, I expect you to take a flight during the day. Yeah. Do you know? No, I expect you to take a flight during the day. It's really creepy and snoring is sort of an intimate thing, too, because here you are, you're a grown man with a family, married 20 years, and now a complete stranger is sleeping four inches away from you, a man nonetheless.

Yeah. And he's, yeah. And you're like, the sleeping on its own is intimate. I don't want to say I've slept with a lot of men, but from the flying I've done, I slept with hundreds of men.

But when they start snoring, suddenly you feel like you're in a relationship with them. It's like, hey, honey, honey, come on. I couldn't do it. I had another guy clipping his fingernails with the tick, tick, tick. And I go, hey, dude. And he said, I bought this seat. I go, but I bought this one.

Yeah. And he said, but they fall. He was trying to pitch to me that when you clip your nails, they just drop right beneath your hand. They fucking. They fly all over the place. And by the way, them dropping is not better. That's not very hygienic. Why?

I said, can't you do it? He goes, what do you want me to do it in the airport? I go, no. at your house, dude. Not in public. What is wrong with people? People have gotten very comfortable in, I'm not a shoes off on the plane, dude. Oh, dude.

When you get someone beside you, especially a guy, a woman, if she's pretty, it's like, okay, she's got, women take care of their feet. If it's an old lady, forget it. It looks like someone let the rhino loose at the zoo. And if it's a dude, it smells like an Armenian sandal in there. It's like brutal. It's not, look, I, guy, I say this all the time, man. If I'm at Starbucks, I don't want to, I don't need to see your feet in sandals.

Yeah. Old women's feet looked like they've been soaking in water for a long time. Yeah, they're pruny. Like you could, like you could just pull that layer of skin off like a snake, just. Yeah, like a snake when they change their skin. Oh, dude, it's, it's, it is so creepy. Yeah. Just the idea of people thinking they can just do that.

And then sometimes the person behind you will stick their foot up and put it. I've had a scenario where I'm sitting here. And all of a sudden, a bare foot comes right up on my armrest. And I'm like, oh, hell no. Hell no. You know, you instantly turn into like a black woman. Yeah. It's like, oh, hell no.

I'll tell you one of the big problems that I've had on planes is when they switched from cloth to leather seats because I like to fart in the seat. Oh, God. And in the cushion, I could push it in. Right. You know, like in one of those office chairs, you could just push it into the cushion. And the foam sort of absorbs the stink. Yeah.

And then you know when somebody's been farting in a chair because you sit in it. And then the air goes, and you're like, oh, yeah. But on the airplane now, they've gone leather seats. It's so much harder. So it deflects. It bounces. It's like a satellite dish. Yeah.

Yeah, have you ever woke yourself up from farting? You were sleeping? I farted myself awake on the plane, and this guy was just staring at me, and I said, I'm really sorry. And he goes, not your first one, bro. And I said, whoa, dude. Whoa. Yeah, I was like, I'll stay awake.

He said, thanks. Were they loud, or was it just the silent stink creeping through the air, like the Passover cloud from the Ten Commandments movie? I love the Passover reference. Like it's, what's the Jew? I'm Jewish. I should know this. What's his name?

Not Delilah. Who do you hide the matzah from, everybody? Not Delilah. Hey, they, Delilah. What are you talking about? Elijah. Oh, it over in past. Hide the what?

You play hide the mat. Hide the matza. On what? From Elijah. Who the, who's Elijah? Elijah's some Jewish ghost who steals Mata. I'm not really up on my, I know, I should, sorry, Mom. I know.

Why we go from you farting on a plane to a ghost stealing cheese? Not cheese, Mata. Elijah the Mata Stealer. What's Mata? Mata is that. Isn't that short for Mazzarella? Yeah, it's fried mozzarella. That's where the Jews got it.

It's a called the Mata. What is Mata? Mata is unleavened bread. Have you never had Mata? I've had Motsa, but I didn't know. Now I'm wondering what the hell it's, it's a round thing in the soup, right? That's a Mata ball. You've never had a piece of Mata?

No. Can I tell you, the most embarrassing. So for a week, Jews aren't supposed to eat bread. I forget why. Okay. Sorry, Mom again. And so my parents used to pack me lunch. Yeah.

And when I was a kid, they'd send me to school with peanut butter and jelly on Mata. The most humiliated, I, I kid, because if you've ever eaten a Mata sandwich or Mata, there's not a whole lot of moisture. Why? It's unleavened dry. It's like a crack. I don't even know what unleavened means. I got to be honest. I've heard that.

term. I've heard of unleaded gas. Yeah. I don't know what unleavened bread is. Unleavened bread is bread that R-Eleven doesn't like and it's unleavened. Who's R-E-leven? He's the guy who owns the bread. Do they sell unleavened bread at 7-Eleven or 7-Eleven? It's only 7-1-11. Oh, God. The 7-1- That's why, because I shop at 7-11. No, it's 7-1. Yeah. When you go to 7-11, you can get some Mata. Yeah, you can get some Gifilta fish. Ever had Gifilta fish? I've heard that term, but what is it?

It is basically like if somebody boiled a nut sack. Okay. And made it real super squishy and then served it to your cold. Wow. Yeah, it's kind of gross. Is that the species name Gifilta or is that the preparation name Gifelta? It's the name of the old woman who first. made him her name was gifilta and what species of filthus fish it's gifilta's fish yeah yeah her name was

gifilta and what's the species of fish that they gifilta it's the nut sac of a trout so it's trout it's trout trout nuts out yeah yeah gefilted gifilta was uh yeah sounds like some good old eatans down there at the synagogue listen guys if you want any jewish history i'm your guy forget the history i just want this delicious food i have to tell you Jesus. I heard my first, and I love a good derogatory term about Jews. Okay. And I heard my first new.

Here we go. I heard of my first new one in a while. Okay. You ready? Jews. And just to set that you are Jewish. Yes. So you're allowed to do this.

Yeah, I guess. I mean. You know you're a Jew if. Yeah, exactly. This is sort of like one of those, but for the Jewish people. I had never heard the term for Jews. They were, somebody said, have you ever heard the term for Jews? as oven dodger and I was like no but that feels like a compliment oh why well because I

was one of the quick ones who got away got away yeah one of the smart ones right so an oven dodger you might think that's an insult but for me that feels like a compliment right to the badge of honor for you oven dodger that's like it wow hardly okay yeah you know in meet and greets when you see somebody coming and you can tell oh they're going to be a problem Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean meet and greet at the end of a stand-up show? Yeah. Where you've done it long enough where you can see somebody come and we're like,

that's going to be a fucking... Yeah, this person's ripe. Right. Yeah. I was in South Carolina. Yeah. And I could see this dude. He was in the meet and greet.

But he kept turning to his buddies and laughing. And I was like, he's got something playing. Funny guy, yeah. Funny guy, right? So he says to me, hey, great show. I said, thank you. He goes, you know, I don't always think you people are that funny. and I said you people and he looks at his friends he starts to laugh he goes you know

kites I go kite he instead of kike he he thought it was called kites kite like the kite you would fly and he goes you know you kites and I was like and I didn't correct him because I thought it was so funny yeah that he walked around South Carolina call him Jews kites and him and his friends thought it was the funniest thing he was just a dip shit yeah it was just like yeah you can keep doing that but yeah man oven dodger to me is my is my favorite this is good i don't want to be offensive i i've heard that term kite yeah i've i've never actually asked anyone what the definition was i it's a sort of an obscure one i think what does it mean i don't you mean the history of it like what is the slur is it's like is it a sort of a slur but but i don't know

and and i guess it would be like i grew up in the northeast yeah and that was more more prevalent and that was like the harshest one right you don't know what it meant it meant like i imply dirty jew or something but you don't know really want to google what kike means yeah okay you want to do it from your search you do it you have better glasses yeah you have old jewish lady glasses now that i think about it yeah all right okay because if you didn't know what it means I feel like if someone throws a slur at you and you don't know the meaning, then it's almost like they're saying nothing. Honestly, you've got to feel the hurt.

You've got to feel the anger. You've got to feel the objection to someone slandering you. I guess my theory on all of that. I can't believe after all these years you don't know what it is. Well, I know it's not good. I'm not getting any. Hold on. What does Siri have to say?

It just means offensive North American term for a, Jewish person. That's just damn, that could be anything. Yeah. You could say, hey, fatty. An extremely offensive word for Jewish person. That's all I work on. Cambridge Dictionary, yep.

Try Siri. See what Siri says. That's Siri. That's the meaning, here it is, Miriam Webster. Who's that? Miriam Webster. Oh, the dictionary girl. I think it's Webster's mom.

Okay. Miriam Webster. Wasn't that the name of Webster's mom? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Okay. All right, hold on. Kike, same thing.

It's just an offensive term. See what to ask Siri, though. Let's hear Siri's voice. See what Siri has to say. Okay, hold on, hold on. Do you know how to use Siri? No. Oh.

Siri, what does Kike mean? Nope, this one. It means a Jewish person. The origin, early 20th century of uncertain origin. it just means a Jewish person they didn't even add on like an insult yeah like that's almost the most insulting thing of all it's just kite yeah but it's just a Jewish person but if you said to me like an offensive term for Mexican like if you said what is beaner mean I would just say it just means offensive term for Mexican yeah I guess right that's all it means is it means

something derogatory about like what's your heritage getting to my friends Canadian, Irish? French Canadian, like an Irish joke, like if I, what's an Irish, like a Mick? Yeah, I guess. It's just means like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Can you think of, of an Irish, a term for an Irish person that would be offensive to you? I don't, here's the thing, dude.

Yeah. It's not offensive to me because I choose not to be offended by it. Yeah. That's all it is. I could choose to be offended. Yeah. But to me, it's very hard for somebody I don't know. Yeah.

to offend me. Well, here's the thing. As a white, Irish, French, Canadian guy, you could throw kind of insults, you know, cultural and racial-based insults, heritage-based insults at me all day. Yeah. They bounce right off me.

Now, if you're a guy who says them with such vitriol and anger and hate in your voice, and I can sense that you're a mean, angry person. Well, then it's like, ooh, whoa. But I think as a society, I think it's sort of healthy to bounce around kind of poking fun in a jovial. It's almost a sign of a term of endearment in a way. You're sort of kind of connecting to people when you do it in a fun way. Couldn't agree with you more. I've always said, like, I would never pull a prank on somebody I don't know. Right. What's the point of that yeah yeah yeah the prank is part of the love language yeah yeah and if and i'm not insulting

somebody i don't know i'm not fucking around like i would trade insults with my brothers with people i know that's fun yeah i'm not doing it with somebody i don't know but this is the problem with stand-up i think okay is that and not with stand-up but with people who are watching and why cancel culture was so ridiculous is because you're not taking intent into the joke yeah right They're leaving it outside. Yeah. Intent is the whole thing. Yeah.

We can all agree that we've seen people on stage where like, that's just you trying to be an asshole. Yeah, yeah. And that's just offensive. Yeah. If you're trying to be funny, you know, Chris Rock, I heard an interview once where he said, you know, it's harder for me now to go up and try new material because what he would do is he would intentionally go way, and I could be misremembering, but I think what he said was, I intentionally went way over the line to pull it back.

Right. Right. But just to see where, how far I could go. But I can't do that anymore because everybody's got their camera out. Yeah. Right? And I can't do the stand-up the way that I wanted to develop or do it.

Yeah. But nobody is taking it. They're just here. Okay. I tell a joke now. It's a story. Okay. Can we hear it?

Yeah. Okay. I'd like to hear it. That way we can wrap our heads around. the context. Okay. So I do a residency in Vegas every Monday night. Okay. Where? Why as well plug it while we're here? At Kimmills. It's so much fun. Jimmy Kimmel's Club. Yep. If you Vegas. Dude, if you ever wanted to come, they give me an hour and a half to do whatever I want every Monday night. I love it. Great. I've played there. Great club. So much fun.

There was a, we're having a great time. There was a two dudes in the crowd about five rows back yeah everyone's laughing except for these dudes who are arms crossed body language baseball hats staring at me wow and big big dudes and not muscle big big like merca regular people or kites like murk no just regular murkans okay some thing not no kites we don't we don't grow them that big okay i'm just asking yeah and they weren't they were they were they would have been the biggest kites of all time okay okay yeah we don't grow them that big i think Gary Goldman's probably our biggest representative. Yeah.

Don't you think? Not too many large Jews. Yeah. Andre the Giant, wasn't he Jewish? I think he ate a few Jews. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Right, right.

But I, you know my theory on why? Too bad they weren't an oven dodgers. They might have been. They just ran into something. They ran into the giant. Yeah. Okay. My theory on why the Jews are small.

Yeah. Tell me if this makes sense. I have no scientific proof on this. good but when we walked across the desert for 40 years that's a long time yeah i felt like the little ones took shade under the big ones oh and the big ones just eventually died off but the little ones lived because they weren't out in the sun what do you think about that smart see jews smart let me do a serious search okay um why did the jews i can't wait the jews so small oh good one Yeah.

Siri, why are the Jews so small? They do wrong. Okay, grandpa, you want my glasses? Yeah, let me put my granted glasses on. Right. Yeah, that's right. Siri, why are the Jews? so small, and why is one of them laughing

at me right now? I'm one of them. I don't understand. Neither do I, asshole. Let's try again. Siri, why the Jews so small? Sorry, I don't understand. Why are the Jews tiny in mass?

We don't go to mass. I found this on the web. Can you read it? Oh. Siri, why won't you read it to me? Here's what I found. Can you fucking read it to me? This page is not set up for me to read.

Oh. Siri, why are you avoiding your responsibilities? Sorry, I don't understand. You're a fucking slacker and you're fired. Do you understand that? Sorry, I don't understand. Pick up your shit and get out. You're fired.

There's nobody calling right now. Let me know if you... What if you just... Just heard her voice go. Don't go to sleep tonight, Harlan. You are, what the fuck? Wait, she just said, don't go to sleep tonight, Harland. Which one?

Me? Which one? Harland Williams. You'll need to add contact information for Harland Williams before I can do that. Who do you want to call? Ghostbusters You need to unlock your iPhone first Fuck off, nosy

I won't respond to that Typical woman Typical woman There you go, wow She was difficult She doesn't like you She's got a dude bro Today

She's not on board She's not on the Harlan Highway Not on the Holland Highway All right so tell this store i interrupted you and you're going to tell the story i is that possum in a can yeah it's delicious have you where did you get that my local grocers stop it what local grocers right down the street at the canyon store down the street ralphs you've never had put go grab it it's delicious they do not sell creamed possum yeah take your cans off go check it out yeah you're gonna love it

It's delicious. Possum. It's, uh, or some people call it, oh, possum. Yeah, bring it on over. It's delicious stuff. Sort of like a clam chowder with a bit of hair in it. Have you ever had it? No, I want to know why it's so light.

Yeah, because there's hair in it. Creamed possum with sweet potatoes garnished in cune fat gravy. Yeah, raccoon. Yeah, no, I got it. it? Yeah. For me and you, we better, we better clear this. Yeah. Siri, what is Koon Fat Gravy?

Coon fat gravy is a dish made with possum, a small mammal native to North America, which is Tudanate gravy made with Koon fat. Fat rendered from raccoons. Oh, for you. This is from special mojikin.com. Yeah, boy. Continue. Something went wrong.

Oh, yeah. Something did you wrong. Yeah. Wow. Talk about getting canceled. Talk about getting canceled. Yeah, yeah. That would have been a, what a weird story.

That would have been. What happened to Harlan and Josh? Well, they had canceled. Yeah. What else is in there? Let's find out. Let's not stop there. Okay.

Ingredients. We already got to the... From the highways of the USA, prime road kill possum cooked to perfection with wild ramps and greens, boiled sweet potatoes, simmered in coon fat gravy for best results, served cold while still greasy. Yeah. I for the heart to satisfy gourmet palate I have to tell you you squish him we dish him yeah can I hold the can up yeah absolutely delicious really goes good at Thanksgiving too you use it as a gravy on your turkey I will tell you it does seem like the kind of thing

that I would serve and then tell people after yeah how did you like the koon fat gravy and that's exactly i think how that's that's a great hannibal lector approach i agree don't you think yeah do you think in your lifetime you've ever eaten cat or dog hmm or horse horse they sell first horse in canada possibly like i could see a place mixing horse meat in with regular beef i agree to because people will cut corners everywhere yep i bet at some point in my life i've never intentioned said give me a horse burger right but i bet somebody somewhere has blended in just i agree just like the same way like you'll order sushi or you order order fish in a restaurant and they take oh yeah it's red snapper and it's talapia from the salt and sea up behind palm springs yeah it's no it's a coy

fish yeah it's yeah it's something like that so yeah no i think we've all ingested uh do you believe that wives tale that you probably heard growing up to, that all of us, because in our sleep, have at least eaten, what do they say, like 20 spiders and 30 cockroaches a year? Do you believe that? Oh, yeah. You do? Oh, yeah, dude. Because there's so many little critters that will fall into your food. I'll never forget. I was out on Malibu. I went out with some buddies. We drove up Malibu up the coast. We pull into this quaint little seaside diner looking over the thing. And No word of a lie. We're sitting there eating.

My buddy ordered a salad. Why you would order a salad, who knows. He orders a salad. We're sitting there eating, and I look on his face and crawling up the side by his mouth, a maggot. No! A freaking maggot came out of his salad. And you've seen how they undulate. They just kind of like inched away.

It's on his face. And I go, dude, there's a maggot on your face. And he just goes, oh, no, it's just a. It's just a piece of rice or a little bug. I go, dude, it was a maggot. And he kept eating the salad. He was in maggot denial. How tempted were you?

And it would have been justified just to just to hit that maggot. And then you could have been, I saved your life. I just stopped a maggot from crawling in your mouth. Well, the reality is if you really want to break it down as a food source, maggots are packed with protein. I've eaten them before. Okay. I did a TV show where I did.

salad eater? I ate maggot straight. Come on. Oh, you did Fear Factor? No. You know that show Naked and Afraid? Yeah. So I did, Discovery did, so I did a live show after Naked and Afraid, and I would interview the people who were on the show.

Whoa. And my deal with the Discovery Channel was that it'll be fun if I eat what they ate. Oh, dumb move. So I had to eat a live cockroach. That was this. Come on. Yeah, me. And do you know who Michelle Beatle is?

She was a, yeah, a great last name. Friend of the cockroach, I'm guessing. But we each ate these live giant cockroaches. So the guy said to me, he goes, I should have told you this before you ate it. And I go, what? And he goes, you should have chewed it up better. And I said, why? And he said, well, you know, if you cut a cockroach in half, it stays alive.

Yeah. And he said, sometimes if you just eat it like the way you did, and you cut it in half, the top half, when you swallow it, will grab onto the inside of your throat and stay there. And I was like, what the fuck guy? That makes sense. You didn't want to give me a heads up? He was like, I should have, I should have told you that.

I should have after, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but I eat those. I eat scorpion, I've eaten crickets, goat brain, cheat brain, cow brain, those made me poop on the side of my house, which was not great. Uh, my dog, I was outside on the side of the house pooping and my dog was in the backyard and he turned to, he turned his head around the corner of the house and he saw me shitting and he looked at me like, are you, are you doing this out here now too? Or is this? I thought this was my area. Wait, you were pooing in your own yard? I couldn't make it in the house. It was so bad. You couldn't make it another 15, 20 feet? You've never been like this is as far as I can go. What? You know when you don't have to shit and then you pull into your driveway and you have to shit more than you've ever had to poop ever. There's something about. You've about seeing your house that makes it all. Whoa, it's like Pavlov's dog. Yeah, yeah, and I pulled into the driveway and I was like,

I might not make it out of the car, but I'm definitely not making it to unlock my front door and making it into my house. So you let one rip in your front yard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't even classify it as that. I emptied out. And so you're there squatting in the yard, your dog's watching you. Yeah, and he's probably going, oh, I'm shitting in the house tonight. Yeah, he was like, do I get the toilet? This is, you're on my

territory. Wow. Yeah, he was upset. Now, when you finished dropping, pinching the loaf, did you do the thing where you kicked with your back legs? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just want to make sure that I fit in with the crowd. I actually did dig a little hole before I pooped. Okay. Just so I had a spot so that I could cover it up like a gentleman. And like your dog, did you lick yourself clean or did you go in and get the toilet paper? I had him do it. I figured he was a little more. He's there. He's watching. And it's probably it's his thing. He's trained. Yeah. I'm with you. Wow.

Yeah, if you never had to poop outside? Well, like when you're camping and stuff, I've never had to do it in my yard. As I asked that question, and I asked it like, you're the asshole for not.

Yeah. When you were answering me, I was like, no, this is probably a me. This is. Yeah, I think that might be you deliverance.

Yeah. Yeah. That was a... I think you just open the door for the next round of redneck jokes. Let's go. All right. Give me a new one. Okay.

Hold on. Oh, my God. Okay. All right. Oh, I like this one. Okay. If you've ever stood up at Thanksgiving dinner and yelled, fuck all y'all, you might be a redneck.

When your child tells you they want to be a jet fighter pilot and you stick tampons with wings all over their body and tell them to go jump off the. picnic table, you might be a redneck. If you think IVF is when you come in her butt, you might be a redneck. If you think you're in a same-sex marriage because you and your wife have been doing the exact same sexual position for the last 30 years, you might be a redneck. If you've ever farted during a blowjob, you might be a redneck. If you think a solar eclipse is one of the bones located somewhere near your lower back, you might be a redneck. If you know more than one person named Big Gravy, you might be a redneck. It's my last one.

If you get so drunk that you take a dump in your blender and in the morning there's four empty chocolate milkshake glasses on the living room table, you might be a redneck. I think I may, I think did I do all of mine too? Did I do all those? Did I do the first one? Hang on, let me ask Siri. What if she's like, I'm not talking to you right now? Siri, did Josh do all his redneck jokes?

Siri, did Josh do all his redneck jokes? I found this on the web. Oh. What's I say? not much uh thanks for bringing the show to a grinding halt Siri you're welcome what a bea what a be on dude wow what a we are in a fight we are in a fight god do you need to puke that water out she couldn't have said that anymore perfectly little condescending oh just a little tinge of your sleeping on the couch tonight

What do you picture she looks like? Is she wearing these glasses, that woman? Siri, yeah, it's hard to get a make on Siri. I think she's sort of like plain Jane, but maybe a little bit sexy, maybe around 40, 42. I think when she lets her hair down and shakes it, I think she's a little sexy librarian-ish. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so.

I think she's a closet drinker because she gets a lot of dumb, she got to talk to a lot of dumb people. A little cosmopolitan. And I see you're like kind of New Yorkish, hanging out in sort of a higher end bar at night. You think she answers all the questions from the Soho house? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

And I think I'm thinking sort of black nylons under sort of a black skirt just above the knees, white top, and maybe a ponytail with a classy bow. Yeah. And any jewelry on Siri? I don't know, but I think she takes jujitsu. Oh, yeah. I think she's a little thicker. Yeah.

In a in shape way. Like a proportionate thicker. Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah. I like that. Isn't that funny, we both sort of have the same view of... Do we have, like, I kind of have a boner now, but not 100%. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online?

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Start your free trial at Aura.com.com slash control. That's A-U-R-A-com slash C-O-N-T-R-O-L for your free trial. That's Aura.com slash control. Well, you were just kind of doing material for the podcast. I didn't think that actually had an erection. I just figured, I thought we were being real with each other, you know. I think it was a bit, dude. You wouldn't have a boner.

I have a bit of a boner. Yeah. Am I the first person's ever had a boner on this podcast? Let me ask. Sir is Josh the first person to have an erection on the Harland Highway? You'll need to unlock your iPhone first. If there's a sext of you in here, I'm flushing this down the toilet. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com.

Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a T-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly, guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng. you can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog.

We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbleng.com. Get your Harland. Original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support.

And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Speaking of technology, my brohameas, if you could invent an app, like if you could make any app that everyone could use to make life easier, make the world better, or maybe just for you. is there an app you would you would want you could make create i have an answer for this and i don't know if it would make the world better but pre pre political correctness yeah i was developing an app for real where people could use any ethnicity's face or voice yeah to wish each other happy birthday and happy new year or send greeting cards so you know how they do face app where you could

be like matthew mccaneh yeah yeah but this was just for ethnicities races so you could be so if a black person wanted to send a happy birthday as a white person right right right right or if i wanted to do an asian or you wanted to do a romanian or whatever that's what it was so you could do that and i thought it'd be super funny yeah and we're just like you said a way where we could all make fun of each other which is where I think humor lies. And then I was developing it and then it started to get a little politically correct and all the people who were developing

when he jumped off. But I thought it would be so fucking funny. So on your birthday, I could be like East Indian and go, hello, Josh. Yeah. Happy birthday. We're so glad you popped into this world.

It would be East India. You with an East Indian face. Yeah. And then if you couldn't do the accent, it would do the accent for you. Wow. I thought it would be so funny. and then everyone dropped out.

Well, here's the thing. If you're inclusive to every single race on planet Earth, then there's no room for racism. But there's always going to be people that go racist, racist, racist, even though every person is involved. This is what I said. They were like, it's going to be racist.

I go, not if you include everybody. Right. And everybody can make fun of everybody. Yeah. Then why is that racist? What's the line between racist and embracing and enjoying and being inclusive of each other's ethnicity. Yeah.

That's why I love kids. If you ever look at kids in a playground in a sandbox, they don't see all this nonsense. They just, they'll do a voice, they'll make a face, they'll hug, they'll do this.

They're just like, there's a purity to it, and somehow as adults, we just lose it. So many people want to paint it as, as being malicious and it's sad. But it's also mostly people being offended for other people. Yeah, you're right.

than the actual people. Yeah, their virtue signaling. Yeah. It's like, oh, well, well, and the other people are like, I don't care about that. Can I, so when I started doing stand-up in L.A.,

I only did black and Mexican rooms or Hispanic rooms. Oh, wow. Because I couldn't get on stage of the big three. Yeah, yeah. And I was, I would go around with Joey Diaz. Yeah. And we did a guy,

do you know, did you ever meet a guy named Rudy Moreno? I don't think so. Rudy booked a lot of rooms, but I went around with like Willie Barcena and Jeff Garcia, yeah, And because I couldn't get on. But what I found was, and I remember Rudy saying this to me, he was like, don't think

you have to change material because you're in front of a bunch of Mexicans. If it's funny, they're going to laugh. Yeah. They're not the ones who are going to be offended. Yeah. When you're in front of a white crowd, they're going to be offended for the Mexicans. Yeah, it's always the way. Yeah.

But I learned so much from doing those. You know, I didn't mix nuts. Remember what was called? Was it called mixed nuts down on Pico with Enz Mitchell? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he had that club down there on Pico. What was it called again? Mixed nuts. Oh, that was the name of the club? Yeah, I think so. Oh, I thought it was, I think it was something else, but maybe it changed it. Maybe it changed. Okay. But is it still there? I think so. Okay. But I used to go down there all the time to. Yeah, I used to play down there. Yeah. I loved that room. Yeah. It was fun. Yeah. But, but, but like, I just don't understand how we've got to a place where we're allowing other people to be, who are offended. for not even themselves.

Yeah. It's like the word, like the story I was telling it, I used the word retarded in the story. Yeah. That word triggers people in the weirdest fucking way. Yeah. Because it, if you remember earlier, I think you said something about your choice to be offended.

That's all it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because 10 years ago, nobody would have batted an eye at the word retarded. And then people are like, offended by that. Yeah. I was like, oh,

okay. But it's, right, I, look, in this story, I thought somebody in the audience

was retarded. Right. Right. He was making, which is a legitimate dictionary name and a word, and if we want proof.

Hit her up. Siri, define retarded. Retarded is a dated and offensive term it means less advanced in mental, physical, or social development than as usual for one's age.

Do you want to hear the next one? No, you're too woke. Did you see how she added it's a dated and offensive word? To her. Did you see how then she gave an actual definition of the actual word? Here's the thing. If you really want to get sensitive about it,

I would understand if she's, she telling us to shut the fuck out. Don't worry, she's retarded. I would understand. somebody getting mad, I wouldn't agree, but I would understand if I called somebody a retard. Yeah. Because now I'm putting a negative connotation on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So if you want to be offended by that, I get it. Yeah. But to say that somebody is retarded, I'm not putting negative on it. Right. You are. Yeah, that's right. I'm just saying the definition of what she just said. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, I know what you mean. One of my favorite heckler stories, if I can tell you. It was more of a crowd interaction story about a year and a half ago. I'm doing the comedy store on Sunset Boulevard, sold out Saturday night. Some guy was just being a jerk off in the crowd, like noisy, you know the type. Like heckler, just wouldn't shut up. I tried to deal with him. And finally I just, I think I broke down and he said, sir, you're retarded or something like that.

And then I realized what we were talking about. The word sort of can be impactful. Yeah. People can maybe be ruffled by it. So just out of etiquette, I said, you know, folks, I, I, I, I, drop the R word. I know that it's a tough word these days. Sometimes people don't like to hear it. Just, you know, just so I know, is there anyone in the room that was offended by me saying retard? And sure enough, some guy in the back, he goes, I am. And he's very impassioned voice.

And I go, sir, I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I said, can you just for, you know, tell me why you were so offended by it? And he goes, yeah, because I got a sister who's a retard. And I went, sir, we don't use that word. What he said was worse than what you said. I know. So it's like even, even the people who hate it don't know how to bounce.

Can you think of something where like a mistake you've made? Okay, I'm going to tell you a story and you tell me if you have anything that you've done on stage like it. Okay. I was on stage at Kimball's with for the. the residency. I was a little high,

and you know that stage is kind of high. Yeah, it's a way over the crowd, yeah. And there was a woman in the front row, an older woman in her 70s, and then a younger woman in her 40s, and I found out that it was the mother daughter, and it was a mother's birthday. Got it.

And there was some nunchucks on the table. And I said, I go, who brought the nunchucks? Odd. And the younger woman goes, what? I go, why are there nunchucks on the table? And she said, that's her cane. She's blind.

And I was like, got it. It was from so far away. Yeah. It made it super awkward. The crowd laughed, right? But can you think of a crowd interaction for you that got kind of awkward for everybody? Well, even worse than that, can you picture a blindie with nunchucks? Amazing.

By the way, are you allowed to leave your house without the glasses? That kind of signifies all of us. do you know that's the signal for a blind but you can't be up front no glasses and she didn't she wasn't doing the the blind look where I'm over here and she's doing that she was like that wow so am I the asshole no no that's that's perfectly innocent because we can't know I had a similar thing one time I was doing a show and I was spritzing with this guy I was going back and he's right in the front row I was just like goofing with them you know the way you do with anyone and about 20 minutes in I noticed I go dude why is there a dog under your table and he goes

because I'm blind and I didn't know and so I just immediately like kind of panicked like why the hell am I panicking he's blind yeah that's organic it's real you know disabled people always say we just want to be treated like but I was the one that moved off it probably because what we were talking about everyone else wants to be and I said screw this yeah he's blind He's in a comedy show. He chose to sit right up front. And I went right back and I said, how long you've been blind?

How did you go blind? Can we joke? Can we talk about it? And I started doing bits with him and he loved it. And after the show I went up, he goes, thank you so much. And so that's why you've got to kind of ignore all this and tiptoeing through all this bullshit, you know?

I have a woman, I go to Orlando every year and a half or so, and she's got Tourette's. Oh, wow. How many? She's got seven of them. Oh, is she going to release them into the sea? No, she keeps six that are like jugglers. She has six juggling Tourette's.

They're endangered, you know that, right? I do, and that's why she's got seven to hold on to them. She brings them to the show. They're pretty amazing. Okay. But the first time she came to the show, I didn't, she didn't give me a heads up. She had Tourette's. Like if you give me a heads up, I'm not going to go in on you.

But I said, I was like, hey, Tourette's, come down over there. And she was. And she had it. yeah wow yeah she goes i actually have Tourette's i'm like well i'm the asshole okay got you oh no like one time i there was this woman i know something i said something about i was like what are you cancer she was like i did i was like copy let's just move past that one yeah because you never know you're trying to be funny and a bit irreverent and a bit stupid and then and who knows if she did but she definitely knew how to make me i was yeah i'm ready for this show to be over the

tough ones are I like to see when I see people with tattoos because almost everyone has a tattoo these days. If there's people in the front row, they got them sitting out and you go, hey, tell me about your tattoo. Oh, it's a, it's a tattoo of my grandmother in Memorial. And you're just like, and my go to line now is I just go, well, thanks for grinding the show to a complete halt. That's what I say. You know, you got to kind of have fun with it and then figure out a back out of it. Yeah. But still be sensitive And my go-to thing as I always go, you know what? Even in death, I think our loved ones are watching and they love to laugh. And I bet your grandfather's up there right now and he's enjoying this with us.

And you totally deflect it. And it's actually a sincere answer. I do believe that. But it totally deflects any like raw emotion or people think you're messing with them or you're being cruel. And you sort of include the deceased into the act. and it's a smooth way to kind of create goodwill and then go on and abuse the next tattoo. That's it.

And I think anybody who gets offended at a comedy show at this point in time, you have YouTube. You can Google who you're going to go watch. Yeah. If you go to a show and you're offended, that's a fucking 100% you problem. Yeah.

There's zero excuse. There's no surprise. Like nobody's, I've seen videos of people walking out of Holtzman's shows. Oh, yeah. He's wild. Yeah. And by the way,

national treasure to that dude. Yeah, wild. Just unfiltered. If you are offended, all you're going to do is pull up one of his clips. Yeah. He's not going to leave you guessing. Yeah. That's it.

You're going to, but if you're offended by it, that is 100%. People like, I want my money back. You should have spent the three minutes on YouTube. Investigate. By the way, how funny is Brian Holtzman? I just did the Kill Tony sold out show at Madison Square Garden. And Holtzman came out and did a whole bit about all these comedians that have died and committed suicide and it was edgy.

But just for him to go there, you're like, wow. He's also one of the few guys who can dig a hole so deep. And come out. Yeah. Where you're like, oh, there's no way he can. No way he's getting this table back. And by the end, five minutes, he gets him. He's great like that.

Well, one of the things, too, with him, he does that all by design. Yeah. But what people don't understand. stand is when guys like me and you where that's not weaved into our act and we stumble on a blind guy someone with a sacred tattoo someone uh you know who's crippled or whatever yeah we're not that kind of act where we're wired for that so we also have to think on our feet we have a three second if not one second window to come up with something to try and be sympathetic keep the comedy engage, keep the crowd on our side, be passionate towards them and what they're dealing

with. It's a lot of elements and you have to do it. You can't, someone can't go, well, I have leukemia and then you, you don't have time to go. Leukemia. Siri, what's a funny joke? For leukemia. Oh, my Siri just went on.

Sorry. Oh, what's you say? I was like, what's a funny? Ask her if there's a leukemia joke. That's funny. Hey, Siri, I need a. a funny joke about leukemia. What you get when you put a beetroot in a square dish?

Beat. I think the answer is leukemia. Yeah. Boy, that was not a great leukemia joke. Not bad. I'm sort of laughing, but it could have been better. I'm not sure what beats have to do with leukemia. Well, if someone beat you enough, you get leukemia?

I think that is how you get it. I don't know. I've never had it, so I don't know. Do you want it later? Do you want to beat me? can maybe we should I'm put by the sailor man yeah that's not a good meme for you to have out there

on the internet they're going to replace that possum can I listen one thing that and I just want to to finish up what you were saying for guys like you and I who want to do who want to poke fun at people in a fun way yeah loving way even

or who are I consider myself an arms wide open comic yeah when the arms wide open I want everybody together having a good time and fun. Yeah, yeah. So that is to be able to make fun of somebody in those parameters of them still feeling good and not feeling like everyone's laughing at them. Right. Is a different.

It's a different thing. And every now and then you miss it too. Oh, yeah. With your best intention, sometimes you don't get it back or you do say something. You're like, but you got to remember we're working in that moment. Yep. well let's go to our final segment my brother you know this one words from a wooden shoe yeah you reach in grab a word see if there's a story from your journey that you can share with my

17 viewers i got to put my glasses on yeah put the old lady glasses on and uh see if you got anything fist fight hell yeah oh here we go here we go um okay i'll tell you is but the last fist fight i was ever in Okay. I was in Seattle. Good place for it. And I was talking shit to this dude who I should not have been talking shit to. And we were in a bar. And I said to him, so stupid.

He was like, listen, I'm going to give you like this last chance. Oh. But you're going to want to walk away from this. And I said, are you trying to back out of this fight, you pussy? And he just put his beer down. And he was like, well, where are you going to do this? In hindsight, the confidence should have been a real, his confidence. Yeah.

And not boisterous like mine, not drunk. Dude, you know the difference between the drunk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He finished his beer, was real gentleman about it. Yeah. Put the beer down and he was like, do you want to, should we go outside? And I go, let's go outside. He hit me.

Now, he definitely hit me once when I was standing. Yeah. And I think he hit me two more times on my way down. Oh, brutal. But here's the best part of the story. My cousin was there. And he was like, I'm going to, I'm going to get in here for Josh. And he said, I got hit twice, once here and once on the back of my head, because I was running away.

He said he caught the first punch here and thought, no, not this is not for me. He's going to have to handle this one himself. But he said the guy got him one time on the fucking way out. Click. Wow. The guy helped me up, propped me against the wall, bought me a bacon-covered hot dog. The guy that knocked you down. Yeah.

And he said, this was so humiliating. He said, sorry I had to do that big guy and just gave me two on the cheek. Oh, that's worse than the punch. Oh, my God. It was so bad. You get that. You got to join like an all-girls school. field hockey team yeah forget that oh by the word just buying me the hot dog was so condescending

dude just do you know what i mean he was like take a seat here you're gonna need some nutrients i just beat the shit out of you here's your hot dog here you go basically here you go a little fella imagine you're at a mike tyson fight he knocks you out he climbs over the rope some guys there hot dogs get he buys you a hot dog comes back puts it up and then raises his belt how So humiliate. But it was also the last fight I ever got into because it realized I'm not good at that. I'm not.

Yeah. I'm not. That's not in my skill set. And I know a lot of people train, nor do I want it to be. I have no desire to really. Yeah. To I don't, yeah, do you take any of that? But you're Jewish and you got a free hot dog.

I did, but I'm not sure it was kosher. And it had bacon on it. Oh, this is just a lose, lose. And he called me a kite when he handed it. it to me. Wow. Bad all around. Ladies and gentlemen.

Dude, that's horrible. Yeah. You got a hot dog. Yeah, I got a free hot dog. You got a look at the silver. Did you eat it? I did eat it. I was hungry.

Getting beat up takes a lot. Takes a lot out of you, man. I've never heard that. Someone beats you up and buys you a treat. What if he'd just give me a trophy, too? Here you go. Here's your trophy for getting your ass kick. Josh, before we go, my man,

tell everyone about your stand-up tour, your podcast, anything else you want to promote. I have a special that drops on October 2nd on my YouTube channel. It's called Four Stories. I want to tell you I'm so proud of this. It's also something that I was told by a lot of people not to do because I'm a long-form story guy.

Yeah, you are. It's four, the special is four stories. That's it, four stories. Four stories. It's an hour long. It's an hour long. 15 each. And I want to let you know, I did something in it.

So, you know, you shoot them more than once, right? Yeah, yeah. But I shot it in a small place on purpose, and I didn't tell the people they were coming for a special. Oh, nice. I wanted the authentic, real, yeah. Comedy experience. Yeah. And you know what happened during the set?

I had to kick somebody out. She was hammered. And the first set went well. Second set, I had to kick somebody out. out, and there was a lot of weird crowd stuff, that's the set I'm using. Because I want people to know what our jobs are really like. Yeah. This wasn't a comedy special where I had, I filmed it four times and picked the best jokes.

Yeah. It wasn't a comedy special where I had an audience Wrangler be like, when he comes out, stand up. Yeah, I hate that. It puts them in a false mindset. You can feel it too. I wanted them just to feel like it was a comedy show. And this experience, and I even said, I keep me kicking her out in the special.

Yeah. And I say in the special, I sit back down and I say, well, guys, we're going to see if this joke is funny after I stopped for 10 minutes to jump back in. Dude, that's amazing. That plays into everything we just talked about. But I love that. I, because, man, some of those specials aren't a real stand-up experience. Yeah.

You know, like. They're very orchestrated. They're fabric. The material can be funny. But I've been to tapings of comedy specials where literally. literally the guy is doing his setup, and the crowd's like, ah, yeah. And it's because the warm-up guy said laugh at everything he says, make this the funny. And it just comes off as like really phony.

Yeah, I did not do that. Good for you. And I love it. And I also, man, I've been doing it long enough where my ego isn't crazy. Yeah. I didn't need a giant theater. Yeah. I think stand up is better in a smaller place.

Yeah. Intimacy. I think it's better for me. I think it's better for the crowd. I think I'm a better comic in a four or 500 seat place where I can see people's faces. I can connect with people. You're not watching me on a screen that's bigger than your house.

You're watching me. Yeah, it's intimate. Yeah. I think, that's where I think comedy's best. So this is where I filmed it. Yeah. I am so proud of it.

The four stories are, one story is about getting arrested at IKEA. Okay. One story is about having to listen. I lived in a studio, you know, my bed was right next to my roommate's bed. And I had to listen to him. have sex with a deaf girl one night, which was rough sauce. Did she have num chucks?

She, no, she had the stars. Okay. She, I have one story about being too high on a plane and one story about being on spring break when I was a freshman in college and inventing a dance to try to get a girl to have sex with me.

So they're all over the place. Yeah, that's amazing. That's a good approach to it. I, man, I, I just am super proud of it. Good. I also produced it myself. put it together myself.

Wow. And it's something that I, because you know, I'm sure you've been told by reps, I don't do that. That's not. Yeah. So I am more than ever pushing this out just to prove these people wrong that I know what my creativity is.

I know where my best art comes from. And you know what you want to do. And I think we're all in this world now where we're willing to fall on our own sword and not have someone outside of what we do tell us. And that's sort of the beauty of the landscape. skateboarding right now. There's nothing worse than the ship sinking and me not wearing the captain's hat.

Yeah. Because then I'm like, well, fuck. If the ship was going to sink, I wanted to sink with me doing what I want to do at least. If those producers hadn't told me to do this, this and this, it might have done better. It might not, but at least it's on me. Exactly. And we know what we do the best. So, well, dude, tell them again where they can see it.

October 2nd it comes out on my YouTube channel. I would really appreciate it if everybody wanted to go and check it out. I do a podcast with my son called Hey Man. Man has three A's because that's how I say it. Comedian Josh Wolf.com, I think is my website. Yeah, I think it is. For tour dates. I'm out on the road right now. We're having, dude, I've never had more fun on the road than I'm having right now. So I just love it.

And thank you so much for having me. And I want to say this, dude. Uh-oh. I told you this before the podcast, but I'll tell you now when people can hear it. I'm so glad that you've been on Kill Tony and everyone can see how fucking funny you are. When people talk to me about, dude, did you know what Harlan does stand up? I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind? And for years, to me, you've been the most underrated comic out there.

Oh, boy, thank you. Because you absolutely crush. You can go on stage with material. You can go on stage and riff. you're, dude, those, you and David Lucas, that, you're also so prolific, you're just a prolific writer. And I don't think enough people give you credit for touching all the bases in stand-up, dude, you're a fucking rock star.

Thank you, buddy. Yeah, it's been a weird journey for as long as I've been doing stand-up, I started in stand-up, and a lot of the world doesn't know that I do it. But as long as it's getting out there and people are laughing, very beautiful, kind words, I really take that. heart thank you absolutely did yeah and uh i think it's only fitting apropos if you don't mind me throwing that word around if we ask syri if we should end the episode yeah yeah yeah okay i mean she's been part of it um let's see sirie should we end this episode

there's nothing playing and let me see what my series says sounds like shut it down hey sirie should we end this episode There's nothing playing. My series speaks quicker than yours. Yeah, well, I told you earlier, mine's a retard. Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Josh will, ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have time,

because we just got canceled. And until next time, chicken chalmayed, baby. Thanks, buddy. Thanks, dude. Thank you for having me. Appreciate you, man. Thank you, Siri. There's nothing playing.

Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend.

It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland. Well, here we go again, gang. This is just getting outright ridiculous. The former president, Donald J. Trump, was just shot out again. I mean, this is the second time in, what, six weeks?

I mean, remember when it used to be a big deal when a president got shot at or assassinated? But this stuff just seems to be going through the news cycle like a kid fell off their bike. And I don't know if that is a commentary on the vitriol aimed at Donald Trump, or it's just the society we live on where we're like, okay, next. Been there, done that. Got any new headlines for me? And there's a level to this where you look at Donald Trump, and he knows he's in danger.

He knows he's a moving target, and he's still making the rounds. And, you know, I think it was Martin Luther King that had a famous quote. If a man has nothing he's willing to die for, then a man has no reason to live or something. It's a beautiful quote. but man you look at Donald and clearly his dedication to the country

and to serve his supersedes his own safety I mean how many of you would be out there showing up at giant rallies and making yourself open in the public knowing that there's people lined up to shoot you dead it's pretty remarkable time we're living in and I think to really break down this analysis,

this sort of tragic state that we're in with these shootings, I think we need to bring in someone who's more of an expert on it than me. I think we need to hear from, you know, Colonel, Lieutenant, French commander, Swiss watchmaker, Lieutenant Colonel Tom Dowdy. He's led a life of service in the American military. He's stationed out of Camp Pendlington in Southern California. Excuse me.

And I think we call him up and we get his feedback on what exactly is going on. And how do we stop this? Holy smokes. Sir, are you there, sir? Hello? Yes, sir. Colonel Lieutenant French Master Navy SEAL Tom Dowdy. Go ahead, please.

State your name. And your location, over. Sir, this is Harland Williams, and we're at the Harland Highway podcast studio. Please hold for confirmation. Sir? I said, please hold for confirmation. If you didn't understand that, then you can slam your face in a Burger King window. Sir, I'm...

Hello? He always does. He's got to get a confirmation. Go ahead, civilian. You are clear. Your status has been confirmed, and you are a go. Yes, sir. I'm a go.

I will say it one more time, and then you will be disconnected. You are a go. Thank you, sir. Please, let's jump right into it. What in the name of... Garlic butter. Sir? You said what in the name, and then you just left it hanging.

Well, I was going to say, say what in the name and then you sort of finished it before I could jump in. And I said garlic butter. Well, why would you say garlic butter, sir? In the world I operated civilian.

We work in a world of codes. If you don't know what garlic butter means under the military code book, I'm unable to help you. Sir, garlic butter? Say it three times. And you will have your Security revoked.

My security revoked. Go ahead, civilian. Sir, President Donald Trump has been targeted once again. I mean, in this time he was in a leisurely game of golf. He wasn't

even campaigning. He wasn't even out there being political. He was just looking for some leisure time to unwind with his friends. And there's someone hiding in the thicket with a scope

and a rifle pointed right at his heart. Yes, sir, I think you put it quite eloquently. That is the sad reality. You better believe it's the sad reality. And here's another reality. Pumpkinhead. Excuse me, sir?

Pumpkinhead. Is that another code word? Professor, Lieutenant Dowdy? I'm talking about a bulletproof pumpkin. Have you ever seen a jack-o-lantern on Halloween civilian? Yes, sir, with the triangle eyes and the jacked-up teeth? Let's not talk about your wife. Sir?

I'm talking about a pumpkin shell that is bulletproof. It is titanium. It is laced with radium. And it has a fiberglass inner soul. that will prevent an AK-25, a 952, a Russian black hawk, and a 14-02 round from penetrating its outer shell. Sir, are you suggesting the former president of the United States wears a helmet-shaped protective device that looks like a pumpkin? It serves two functions. One, it prevents... They just swallowed a bug.

Yes, sir. It prevents any, any, and I'm talking, any round of artillery from penetrating. Okay, that's number one. And number two, it says trick-or-treat to any would-be assassin. I'm not sure I follow that, sir. Assassin's they're looking for targets. And when you make the target obvious, When you're wearing a giant orange pumpkin on your head

with triangle eyes and jacked up teeth, the kind that your wife has just after she stumbles out of a motel 6 after an all you can eat shrimp cocktail, fucking olive oil, orgy. Well, then you know. Sir, if you could just leave my wife out of this, and by the way, I'm not even married, sir. That's not what our files say. Sir?

can continue. Yes, sir, so he's got a giant pumpkin on his head. A bulletproof pumpkin civilian, clearly you're not listening. But when a child goes to the door, they say trick-or-treat, and in return, the homeowner

gives them a treat. Well, when Donald J. Trump walks out into public with a bright orange pumpkin shell on his head, two glowing triangle eyes, and jacked up teeth that Look like your wife just sucked the mealworms out of a walrus's crunch.

A walrus's crunch, sir? That's what walrus is called her cunt. Sir, if you could just stop with the code word stuff and... What I'm saying, civilian, is that this figuration, this pumpkin element will taunt the sniper to make one crucial mistake. What's that, sir? Sniper's like to take fire at their own time. They like to zone it on the target, and they like to make sure they have the shot. Okay, that makes sense.

But when you taunt the sniper, when you're walking around town with a glowing pumpkin head on, triangle eyes and teeth like your wife just scrape the coral off a fish tank while she was sniffing a Chinese dildo. Sir, please! Well, then you're going to taunt the sniper, and he's going to shoot. He's going to shoot because he's being teased. He's being goaded. And, yeah, I'm going to say it's a villain. He's being cock-teased.

Sir, do we have to use that language? I'm not trying to be sexual or graphic, but when Donald Trump has a giant orange pumpkin on his head, No, you might as well have your balls being licked under the table at a Portuguese sushi house with a little midget who's wearing a carrot in his nose. Sir, sir, are you okay? I swallowed another fly. Sir, if we could just, I understand the pumpkin thing, and maybe it works, maybe it doesn't,

but what else can we do? Why are people doing this? People want to change the course of it. Sir? I swallowed a fly. Sir, there are there a lot of flies where you are? Probably, because I just took a dump in the middle of the floor about four hours ago. Sir, what are you?

If I can continue. Sir, wow. Yeah, lots of flies. Sir, if you would just cut to the chase. What I'm trying to tell you, Salillion is in order for this president to be safe, we've got to monitor all the loose screws that are running around in this country

when I was in Vietnam in the Benfewew forest and the Kray-Hongi jungle when I was crawling through the swamps of the Fahisi Khan and the hoo-hoo-ha-la-l-l-la I got to tell you

I was taking sniper fire every sniffing inch of the way I was so low to the ground I could smell a Snail snatch, doing fart bubbles on a cheese sandwich. Sir, if we could just... What I'm telling you is that you're going to get hit eventually. I took a 952 Glock Steinhammer lead round right to the leg.

My shin was shattered into so many pieces that looked like Puss and Boots dropped a crystal ball off the top of Barryman. Aniloh's dildo cabinet, and that means shattered glass, sliced onions, and a picture of your wife in a confessional booth, sucking spaghetti strands out of your priest's mouth. Sir! What are you... Are these code things? You're right. They are. So what I'm saying is Donald J. Trump is going to endure a lot more of this,

and he's going to have to learn. to get down and out of sight. These are basic training methods, and your former President Donald J. Trump is going to have to go through some rigorous training where he's going to have to learn to drop and roll, drop and crawl. And if he has to, drop, pull his ankles up to his ears,

and sniff his own onion farm. Sir, is that more? code? It is. Unfortunately, it's classified. Well, sir, this is just a sad statement of our country. This is the United States of America. Isn't this supposed to be a place where everyone has the right to choose and you democratically vote for the people you want and whoever just gets the most votes steps up and tries to help their country? What are you doing? Are you living in a curious choice? George book, because that's just about the saddest thing I've ever heard. How about this?

Curious George goes to retard camp, and you're the counselor. Sir, if you could not say the R word. And why would you say that to me? Because you civilian are delusional. The apple pie eating, eggplant, stirring, brushing your kid on the head, and sending them off to school in America. Those days have sunk deeper than the crystal ball in the bottom of Barry Manilow's...

Sir? Barry Manelow's tildo drawer. Sir, if you can lay off Barry Manelow, what are you talking about? The old America we used to know is dead and buried. It's up in the graveyard, and even Michael Jackson singing thriller, with Newman's own ranch dressing dripping down the inside of his greasy, pasty, half-white, half-black legs

isn't going to bring America back. Are you saying that the good old Democratic U.S. of A is defunct and no longer exists? You bet the three ass hairs sticking out of your calamari ring I am. This country is no longer apple pie. Marbles in the alleyway, and kids twirling around on a ferris wheel until they puke up chocolate milk and blast their aunt all over the face.

So she looks like a teddy bear from Satan's asshole. Sir, please. We've got to wake up to a new reality, where if somebody doesn't like a political leader, they're going to take them out. They're going to take them out like a bag of garbage. They're going to take them out like a tampon in the rain. They're going to take them out like the last booger you pulled out of your nose,

shoved into your gums, and sucked like chewing tobacco at the World Series, you dirty snot-sucking pig. Sir, if you could not put this on me and just stick to what we're saying. I'm saying you better buy a one-way ticket to Goodbysville because America, the America, the proud United States of America is floating away faster than a three-pound turd and a fucking tadpole pond. Sir, you know, as flowerful as your descriptions are, I'm sadly, I think I get what you're saying, and I'm agreeing with you. This treatment of Donald Trump and the lack of attention and almost the lack of sympathy and you almost get the feeling that half the country's rooting for this guy to go down,

it paints a grim picture, sir. It paints a super grim picture, and I don't know if you're familiar with Ben Grimm from the Fantastic Four. Ben Grim, you mean the big orange guy made out of bricks? That's what they want you to believe. But really, he's just got an inflamed psoriasis. And he smells like a rotten potato floating at the bottom of you. Sir? Sir! Say it?

Sir? Sir, please just say it. Floating at the bottom might be a wife's fish tank. Sir! So I'm going to say this to you. and I'm going to say it once and then I might say it twice and then I might say it a third time

and that's when you're going to feel a bullet rip your neck open because Commander Tom Dowdy never says anything three times the United States of America is on the verge of dying with this behavior

with this irreprehensible behavior with this treatment towards our system, towards our political leaders, and towards our democracy. You might as well buy a big piece of marble. Get yourself a hammer and a chisel.

And just right in your gravestone, USA, fuck me tender in the night. Daddy's going home, and don't plug in the electric blanket. It's diarrhea time. Sir, sir, what are you talking about? That's what you'd write on America's gravestone? It's already being written, civilian, and just by the angry tone in your voice,

I think it's an indicator that the whole country is teetering on the edge of fucking eating an owl, popping its eyes out, and sucking its beak until the mouse meat gets ripe, rotten, and riceroni. Okay, sir, that had to be code, because I don't know what any of that meant. Well, I don't know what else I can tell you, Civilian. Well, sir, you know, I think you've kind of filled in what we were asking for, and boy, oh boy, it sure isn't a pretty pitcher. It never is. When the Titanic was sinking, the violinist, the cellist,

and the horn player were still playing as the boat went down. Yes, they were, sir. That was very noble. And now all you got in America is Dolly Parton, squatting over the toilet seat in a trailer camp outhouse. And she's dropping up peppercorn jack cheese, shalele meat, fried chicken, corn on the cob, crunch burger. Sir, you know, it was already grim enough and then that. don't make reality civilian. I just paint it.

And my paintbrush is made out of the United States of America's dirty crab-covered cubic hairs. So why don't you sit back in the art gallery of life? Stick a cucumber where the sun don't shine and fuck a koala until your teeth, please. Sir! Stop! What are you...

Go to hell. Fuck your sister. Sniff your teeth. Sir, well, what in the hell? See, folks, this is, look, I know he maybe framed that in a tough way to hear. But he's gone, thank God. But he was right and things are unhinged and we got to find a way to fix this. And I'll leave it right there.

And I hope that you have thought. stop-provoking thoughts, and maybe together we can all bring America back from the brink of being dead and buried. Oh, God. Until next time, the U.S. of A. I'm going to hang up. Hi, I'm Danny Lopiori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia.

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