The Harland Highway - KEVIN NEALON talks about ALL things, and covers a lot of ground to nowhere. Harland helps!

Episode Date: October 7, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Huel, Hims, and Chubbies: - Try Huel with 15% OFF for New Customers today using my code HARLAND athttps://huel.com/harland. Fuel your best performance with Huel today!" (Minimum $75 purchase). -To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit Hims.com/harland -Your new wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code [HARLANDHIGHWAY] at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/[HARLANDHIGHWAY] #chubbiespod Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Kevin NealonInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/kevinnealon/?hl=enX: https://x.com/kevin_nealon?lang=enFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/kevinnealon/ #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. c a slash ymx by the seven time world's best leisure airline champions air transat hey folks harland here before we start the show today i want to personally invite you if

you live in los angeles or the surrounding area we're doing a special sneak screening of my new movie Wingman. We're going to be playing it at the Directors Guild Theater on Sunset Boulevard on October 12th at 7 p.m. And you, the public, are invited to be some of the first people to ever see this movie. I wrote it, I directed it, Russell Peters, Jamie Kennedy, balls to the wall, non-woke comedy. We're going to have a great time. We want to fill the theater. So bring yourself, bring your friends. It's only $15, and the money goes to the festival. The Malibu Film Festival is sponsoring the screening, and we want to pack it out. So I've been personally inviting you to come out. $15. Go to Malibu Film Festival.com and follow the links to

Wingman. It says, buy your tickets, $15. And you and your friends, come on out and have some laughs. I'm going to be sitting in the audience. I want to hear the feedback whether you love it, you hate it, you're somewhere in between. But please, October 12th, it's a Sunday evening, 7 o'clock, come on out to a sneak screening of Wingman, a beautiful, wacky comedy that I think you're going to have a great, great time at. Hope to see you there. Go to Malibu Film Festival.com. Get your tickets today before they sell out.

and let's have some laughs. We'll see you at Wingman. I don't seriously do you I adopted them yeah they're kind of like you know how you can go to the rescue for dogs yeah I got four like comfort children like you know people take a a pug onto a plane with a vest I have a little Vietnamese boy I'll slap an orange vest on them and it's a don't pat you're saying that this is a service child it's a service child I have four of them Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Hall and Highway Podcast. To the Holland Highway Podcast.

Don't forget your microphone guy. It's not going to do much sitting four feet in front of you. My voice, I really, was it pro-truths? Projects. Projects. Or is it project, is Projects and Projects spelled exactly the same? What? I think it is.

Although I think, what's going on? Always have that kind of stuff, you know? Are you okay? Yeah, let's go. I got to go. Yeah, let's get gone. So, wait, projects and Projects is the same spelling? project is the same selling as project and it's very difficult for people learning the

english language yeah to decipher between the two whoa you speak english what is it english can you spell it guy this is going to be a long interview interview i barely know you i think that's it not a courtesy laugh right there i think that's a real laugh that was a really Yeah, that was a really. I didn't mean to project that laugh on you either, but that's the new project I'm working on is projecting. Have you ever ejected? Oh, come on.

I don't want to talk about my sex life. Have you? Dude, just when you said ejected, you went stiff. I tell you, man, I'm trying to steer you right. I'm going to bring some kind of sophistication into your podcast today. Okay. I want to find that a little bit about yourself. Okay, do you want to lead?

Where all this craziness comes from? Well, if you want to lead, I'll certainly be your... I've been leading for the last hour. I'll be the receptacle of your queries. That sounded really weird. I'll be the receptacle of your queries. That's a little... That's a little Euro-Rodic.

Like, and that's erotic, but when you're in Europe. Here's what I like about you. Yeah. You're not afraid to fail. Right. You know, you are someone who is unique. Yeah. You are hilarious.

Yeah. And you, I tell you, man, you are different. I like seeing you do stand-up. Yeah. Because you never know what's going to happen with you. There's nothing set. I've never seen you do the same act twice. And for a good reason.

Why? Because it's... Well, have you ever watched yourself in a club? No. You're the best. you're really good. I'm serious. I love watching you interact with the people and all of the

references you have too. This is the same stuff I want to use your eulogy, by the way. Ulogy? I don't have anything wrong with my... The thing about Harlan is you never you can never get normal with him. It's always like some kind of making a joke

out of things. But I think there's a reason for that. Harlan, you want to tell them why? Well, what I'm doing is deflecting, because I had a very traumatic childhood. My father would ductate me to the root cellar. He would put me out in the barn and make me sleep with the barn animals. He would dig a hole and make me stand in my waist.

And what is traumatic about all this stuff? Like it really sort of offset my childhood. It made it hard for me to grow intellectual. Our time is up right now. Oh. Can you, when can I schedule in for next week sometime? Oh, when are you free, guy? Not for another three months, but I can put you in,

if we have a cancellation, I could gladly put you in there. Are you canceling me? Call it what you want. I'm just ejecting you from life. I don't think I said anything that provocative that I deserve to be canceled by a one said Kevin Neal and one said. God, sorry. Sorry.

Like, sometimes I forget to swallow sweetly and gently into the night. I understand. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Hall and Howie podcast. And one of our favorite guests, not favorite, favorite, Kevin Neelan is here, folks. And he's a writer. He's an artist. He's a comedian.

He's an actor. and are you an environmentalist at all? I have been. Okay. Yeah, when I'm not littering. Oh, whoa. Are you one of those guys that you'll be whaling down the highway, roll down your window and just toss like a bag of Burger King junk out the window?

No, but I've seen that, this Uber driver once, came to pick up somebody. Yeah. Thank you. And just took a bunch of McDonald's stuff from the backs. He just threw it out on the street. Who are the McDonald's? And I said, excuse me. Yeah.

And I'm non-convertational. I don't like that. I said, it just looked so disgusting. I said, excuse me, you can't just throw the stuff on the ground. They did that. They lifted in the back seat. I said, no, no, you can't do that. You got to come pick it up.

I'm not going to get in a fight with the guy, but I'm, you know, I'm being very ardent with him. Ardent, not a real word, but no, no. And then the people that called the overt came out to get in. I said, don't get in with this guy. He just threw all this stuff on the ground. So he comes running out, picks it up, and brings it back in. and probably threw it out the window 100 yards down the road.

Wait a minute, he's a professional driver. So he walked back to pick it up? Why wouldn't he drive back to pick it up if he's got a car and that's what he does for a living? Tell me about more why you were traumatized as a child. So my dad would hang me upside down in the attic and put pennies on my eyes. And he would duct tape my arms across

and him and my mother would throw pomegranates at me. Do you have anything I can read while I'm here? Yes. Just any kind of brochure about anything. I have a great book. It's by this guy, Kevin Neeland. Oh. And did you know him?

I do know him. Buddy. That's me, pal. You've got to dive into this. It's a good book. Read page 47, paragraph 2. Are you serious? Yeah, page 47.

All right. It's my favorite paragraph in the whole book. Paragraph 2. If you don't even mind reading it out loud and sharing. 47. Is the one you're referring to? Yeah. paragraph two. I read it. It's my inspiration. It's like my mantra. Do you have reading glasses?

I do, yes. Here you go. I'll put them on. Yeah. Yeah, it's my mantra. I sort of live and die by the sword of these words from author Kevin Nealon. Just paragraph two. Okay, well, it won't meet that much. Well, it does to me. To make a long story short, our sketch was mounted as the last sketch of the show. In two minutes before, Lawrence said, I need to shorten this sketch. Yeah. Short and more due to time constraints. We rushed through the sketch, and I don't remember hearing one laugh. Maybe we should have added more cowbell.

Please rise. And I got to tell you, if I had had this inspirational quote when I was swaying. Did I get a piece from you? Yeah. When I was swaying upside down in the attic with pennies on my eyes and my parents throwing pomegranates out of it, If I had something motivational, spiritual, your written words, Kevin Neillan. Boy, oh, boy.

What a difference it would have made in my life. But lucky I found it now. I know. I know. Where do you come up with this stuff? Well, it's called life. I live life. And I'm in the business of reality.

I know. But there's people that live life. But then there's people who are sort of like a guru. Like these words. Call it guru, mentorish. call it hero worship what if I call it memento-ish

pimento no memento you know the mints I bet you're good with children yeah great I have four seriously do you yeah where are they

I adopted them yeah they're kind of like you know how you can go to the rescue for dogs I got four like comfort children like you know people take a a pug onto a place with a vest.

I have a little Vietnamese boy. I'll slap an orange vest on them. And I said, don't pat. And I'll walk them through that. And it gets me in line first. Like when I get on any flight, if I have Kimmy Longwao with me, I get right on.

You know when they say old people, people with comfort animals? So you're saying that this is a service child. It's a service child. They have four of them. I have a honky. David. I have an African-American

girl. What's her name? Shalak. I have Kimmy Longwau. I'd rather prefer you didn't laugh at my kids. God. Lucky they're at school today.

Do you need like a one of those? I need cheese. You need something. You were wheezing. It sounded like a donkey drowning. you all right guy you need an inhaler or something let's continue this riveted conversation

I want to hear more well I have the last kid the fat one and I just named her Pepperidge Farm because she's not going to stop eating why even bother well what's great about her is if I get her on the plane and she wears an extra wide vest I get the middle seat for free

So she sits on the aisle. I get the window and we get that middle seat free because her blubber rolls out into the middle. Can you do something about that blubber? I don't want to. You like it. Well, if I get a free seat, I'd rather. It doesn't matter about her health or anything.

No. This is the thing. Look, this kid could knock off in a year. I don't care. Do you know how many adopted kids there are out there? There's millions of them. Yeah. I'll just get a new one.

A Puerto Rican. a Haitian. I've always wanted a Haitian kid. Maybe a German's a German boy. Oh, good. Hans or Schnitzel? You know, like, I'll take them from wherever I can get them. These service kids are great.

I got three mowing a lawn out in Bakersfield. I have 15 acres up there that I bought. Just to have them mow it? They're just mowing right now. They're great. Sit down more? Is it a push mower? It's one of those John Deer,

the ride ones. Oh, those are nice. Yeah, they're really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, you got a tricked out? Huh? You got the tractor tricked out? Yeah, we got the, uh, the dice, we got the furry dice hanging on the, that's nice. Rearview mirror, and it's one of the few lawnmowers with a rearview mirror, which is so, so, so, so nice. You can... What kind of sound system you got in there? It just sounds like this. It just sounds like this. And I hit a rock just... Because I wanted to embellish it a little for you.

Those lawnmowers can be so boring and lull you to sleep. But when you hit a rock, I don't know if you, I saw you give a little jump. And so I'm just trying to keep things dramatic for you. Or as they say, in the British theater, dramatic. Hey, everybody, it's time to talk about hymns. I don't mean him. I don't mean him. I mean hymns.

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include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescriptions required. See website for details. Restrictions and important safety information. Hymns. E.D. Gone. Hems. Hello. Have you ever done theater? I've gone to a theater. you've never done Broadway like Bill Burr and Bob Odenkirk and never been out on the boards before on the what the boards what they call the boards they do yeah the boards the wooden boards I've never heard that you know what downstage means well let's not make fun of kids with wide eyes

Kevin that's not wait it's a real term it's a real term downstairs the boards yeah the boards Broadway And it's Broadway, not Broadway. It's Broadway. Broadway. Broadway. What's the difference to be Broadway? You're making a one, like you're going Broadway.

That's the whole name of the street. Right. It's two streets, like, you know, Melrose Place. It's Broadway. But that's not what says on the sign. I'm wrong then. I stand corrected. Well, you're sitting.

If you would stand up, then you could stand corrected. Are you okay? When I lift my head up Yeah I want you to ask me something Seriously or serious Okay Ready?

Yes One Two Three Have you ever done Broadway? Thank you Thank you for asking that No I haven't

I've never done Broadway I'm afraid of doing plays Why? Because I'm afraid I'm going to forget the lines I barely remember your name Carol That's why See you should not do Broadway either

I think it would be fun to do It would be a lot of work. You know what I mean? There'd be eight shows a week. Two on Sundays. And it doesn't pay well. It doesn't pay well at all. And you've got to rent an apartment somewhere in New York City and that's expensive.

Okay, Jerry Seinfeld. What the hell was that? It was like Jerry Seinfeld falling off a cliff. You got to pay three bucks a week and it's expensive. I picture you as, pardon me, I hope this doesn't rub you the wrong way. Phantom of the Opera. I picture you swinging across the stage, half a face, you know?

Just half a white face, half a black face. You watch Marvel? Do I watch Marvel? What do you mean? Do you like Marvel movies? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about D.C.?

I just don't like movies. Who's your favorite villain? Christ. Is Christ in the D.C.? world? I'm going to lift my head up. That's BC. I'm sorry.

Okay. Seriously. Yeah. There it comes. Yeah. What's your take on nuclear fusion? Well, I think it's something that's been kind of overrated. Do you know what I'm saying?

Nuclear fusion, because nuclear fusion, it's either nuclear or it's not. You don't fuse the two together. There's only one nuclear. Huh. Nuclear. It's sort of like broad. way that's just it's either one or the other type of deal it possibly could be I'm gonna put my head down and when it comes back up again I want to have a serious

conversation I don't like Harlan Well, ladies and gentlemen, are you talking in your sleep? I don't like Harlan. Hey, guy? Yeah. We're doing, I do a professional podcast. This isn't a sleepover.

I do a pro prep, a prof, a proff pod. professional Do you ever come in here just alone and just start talking yeah sometimes they do solo episodes

oh do you really yeah would you prefer that looks like you would um Annie you've been kicking around Hollywood town

if you can wait for the punch lines I would really help me you've been kicking around not really doing much You've been getting punted around Hollywood. You've been getting hacky-sacked all over Hollywood. You've been kicking it around.

Yeah. Any good, because you're a very secretive kind of private walled-off guy. Me? Yeah. You're talking about yourself? You don't share a lot. So I'd like to peel back the mortar. I'd like to cask of a montalado you.

Okay. To pull the brick walls down, Edgar Allan Poe. Thank you. Finally, somebody asking me to. Yeah. Any kind of risque stories from the world of Kevin Neelan, risque Hollywood, you've hobnobbed. Oh, are you okay?

You've hobnobbed with some of the top, the greats, the elite. You've been to the award shows. Talk to me, Peter Pan Tits. I didn't mean that. I was picturing you as the Phantom of the... opera flying and I someone I went into Peter Pan. You love Peter Pan, don't you? I love his Ted's. I'll tell you what. I'll exchange a story for your story. Okay. Yeah, I'll trade one back. Trades. Well, you first. I'm the host. Trust you. I do not trust you for one minute. I'm the host

with the most. You want me to go first? Would anybody trust, Harlan? I don't think so. Okay. If that will give you comfort and build trust with me. And neither of those. It'll do neither of those, but it'll be maybe entertaining to listen to it. Would it create goodwill, whereas I lay the foundation that Kevin Neelan feels comfortable enough to share one of his dark, hidden, forbidden stories? Let me just throw this out there right now for you. Do you ever think about unbuttoning the top button on your little party shirt?

Okay. Is that going to help? I'll do two. No, do one. I'll do two. I don't want to see the penis. The what? I don't want to see your penis.

How'd you know it came up that high? You tell me. Why don't I show you? Have a peak, Peter Pan Tits. Did you have heart surgery? Yeah, open heart surgery. Oh, really? How open was it?

Yeah, the surgeon left the door open and some bacteria got in. I mean, when you're doing heart sure, you've got to close that door, and this guy did open heart surgery, and I got bacteria in my heart. I've got a bacteria heart. That's not a term you know. You obviously don't know medical terms, and I feel guilty I threw it at you, but it's a medical term, bacteria heart. When a surgeon leaves the door open to the surgery room,

and he's doing heart surgery, that's open-door, open-heart surgery. He should have shut it, and I got staphicillbellum frectolitis in my third coronary artillery valve. And it's been tough. to jog. It's been tough to have sexual encounters. I even had to wrestle a wild hog in my yard four weeks ago. Luckily, my four children jumped in and helped. A little Kimi Longwau got it right around the neck and choked him out. A little Vietnamese, even though a few minutes ago he was Korean, he's a Vietnamese boy now. I want to hear more about your artillery artery.

Sure. Well, what happens is the caspillary goes into the artilion. and the red blood cells deviate into where the white blood cells circulate for the octalus phrembaloid. And if that gets clogged up, then suddenly you're going to be on a slab getting cut open by the dock. Does it's getting too bright for you? I just don't want to be recognized being with you. Oh. Because I feel like what you're saying is not really truth.

I feel like you were. there is a defense mechanism you're deflecting so if you keep talking no one can ask you something about yourself you're going to tell me a story a deep dark story that really affected you in Hollywood and you just kind of deflected you ran around it Harlan I don't mean to Guy you know you're my friend right

yeah well your best friend I don't just say friends I'd say what it is best friend you want a party maybe daddy wants to party too go suck an eggplant bestie like get your mouth wide and ripe like almost like a whale shark and wrap it around the biggest eggplant you've ever seen

and suck it bestie do you have a do you have a retirement plan like a 401k or something? I'm getting snow tires put on next week. Where are you going? Down to just tires, but they have a great retirement plan down there. It's only $400 just before, if you do it, just before winter comes in.

I don't know if you could tell this, but my eyes are closed right now. I can hear your eyes, yeah. They sound closed. When did you first get into stand-up comedy? How old were you, and were you in school at the time? And by schooling in grammar school. I didn't go to school with my grandmother Why would I go to school with old people?

Did you just do a silent burp? Or was that your eyes? Because I can hear your eyes. When you wake up in the morning and those yellow nuggets are in the corner of your eyes, do you get like me like you're pissed and there's none of this on the night table? There's none of that dipping sauce

for those little golden nuggets and you're, you just got to eat them raw. Do you get mad? Unbelievably tasteless. I do get mad. I do get mad. I don't like to wake up angry, but when my dipping sauce isn't there

and I can't pull out those golden nuggets. When you wake up. Yes. When you wake up and it's before the time you want to wake up. Yeah. Because somebody's waking you up. Yeah. Do you blame somebody for waking up?

Do you say, hey, man, you woke me up? Yeah. See, I never even think. about that when I wake up. If I wake up, I'm up the new day. I'm not thinking, who can I blame for me waking up? I get really mad. And I don't like to get angry at my kids or beat them even. But when they come in at two, three in the morning, and all four of them are jumping up and down. What are their names? Kimmy Longwow, Shalaka, Pepperidge Farm, Blunt cake, and the honky's name is David. He's a jive honky, actually. Yeah. But,

when they're jumping up on the bed at three in the morning saying we want lucky charms we want and the fatty wants you know a whole roast beef dinner she wants a beef wellington a beef stroganoff yeah noodles ramen off she's the fatty uh she wants a whole buffet almost this giant of the north and uh but the other one they're jumping up and down and i'm gonna get mad at them you got to get mad i get that man i'm like get out in the yard you need some sleep how many hours you need a night i usually like at least I like a good 12-hour night, like a good 12-hour sleep. Good solid 12.

Oh. You get up to go to the bathroom? No, I just do it right in the bed. You go around in the bed? Yeah. And then you're able to sleep. At number one and two. Oh.

Yeah. You're single? Pardon me? Are you single? Are you hitting on me? No, I just don't want to get in the bed with all that crap. Wow. Do you have a housekeeper?

Yes. Uh-huh. Was it your ex-wife? the house acting. Whoa! Power drop. Siamese power drop guy. What's this? Guy, I'm just getting into position of watching you and relaxing and just enjoying your patter. Well, I would like us to share a story and I'm willing to take these off and resume the friendship. What do you? You sound like wind going through a mountain pass. Just now you were like I like how you

I like how you, I like and then just for a fact I know you did, but in the distance coyote and bonus treat Mountain goat and these are add-ons to what you do and this is why we work together and this is why I'm your best friend.

live in the hills. Do you experience coyotes at night, the howling? Yes. And do you know what they're doing when they're howling? Howling? Yeah, when they're getting all worked up and yapping and... No, I answered you. You asked me, do you know what they're doing when they're howling? I said, howling. Duh. It's right there in the howl guy. By the way, Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island. Have you ever met him? Now you're talking. Have you ever met him? No, but I met the skipper. Oh, no. And little buddy, too. Just a skipper

What about a little buddy too? Just a skipper Okay Where'd you meet him And what big kind of rope did he have? How big was his rope? He used to have a restaurant on La Cienica called the lobster barrel

Alan Hale's lobster barrel Alan Hale And he was a skipper And he would come around to each table And he would come around to each table And ask how people are doing how are you doing today? How are you?

Did you ever just turn and say, why don't you mind your own fucking business, Fatty? Or no? No, I wouldn't do that. Okay, I'm just asking. But I did see him at the golf course once in Roosevelt golf course and Griffith. That must have been beautiful.

You're just about to tee off and big fat guy skipping across the fourth hole. That must be on the hill over there because he's got the golf bag with his name on it. I'm sorry, we were talking. Let's not interrupt us. I'll tell you what. We were talking together. And you're interrupting us. With what I said.

We're talking. Can I get you some garlic bread or something? Can I get your name? Donnie? Donnie, what? Darko? Darko. All right, since you're not willing,

I see you need a little goading, a little luring to be comfortable. Let me start with my Hollywood story. I'm dating Ariana Grande. Hello? Snappy I'm trying to tell you I'm dating I love this story

You do? What did I just say then? You're dating Ariana Grande Okay you are listening Do you want to nod off Well I say it So it almost feels like you're dreaming It's up to you

If this story is not good I'm not off Not off And then it'll feel like a euphoric dream Let me hear your story About Ariana Grande So we're dating This was about four months ago

And you know I'm a word guy I'm a word smith I mean if Shakespeare You sound like a weather system in Barry Manilow's underpants. What are you doing? Oh, God. Do you have the... I'm laughing.

You're laughing without silently laughing. That's how hard of the laugh it was. Wow. And without smiling. I brought that out of you? Yeah. I'm pretty good. No, you really make me laugh a lot.

All I have to do is throw a couple words out there and you take it and you run with it. And I like that. You like it or love it? I love it. And it's just less work for me to have to carry on a conversation. I know. I should shut up now. Go ahead.

No, I like what you're saying. Go ahead and shut up. I mean, shut up. Go ahead. You okay? Bro. What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?

Are you sleep drinking? Got it, guy. Okay. So I'm dating Ariana Grande. Heard it. This is about four months ago. I heard it. I'm a word guy. I'm almost like a modern-day William Shakespeare.

I don't know if you've ever read Osloat or Harriet and Juliet or McBride or any of his works. But I'm a word guy and I'm thinking where do I take my beef or my chick? that's fun, and lets me incorporate. What? Close there. Ah. Yeah. Oh.

You really know to bust up a guy's story with a big glowing green eye. Thanks a lot. It's not this. This is funny. It's how you look at that and then look at me. I like that.

I look up. Well, I'm in the middle of an Ariana Grande story, and you pull out a giant green talking eye? Look at, how does that make me feel? It's part of the story. Well, it's part of the story. Well, it's part of the story. I think it's stepping on our buddy friendship.

Look, you went out with Ariagrano for four months. You met at Starbucks. No, no. Arianna, no. Oh, wow. Way to steal my thunder. Ariel La Grande. Go ahead.

I'm a word guy. You sort of just stepped on my thunder. but I'm going to keep going I took her to Taco Bell okay yeah I say hey Grande what do you want we're looking at the menu I go how about a Nacho Bell Grande

Grande but then you sort of beat me to the punch with the Starbucks Grande it was kind of an obvious thing I think it was yeah because when I go to Starbucks I order Grande Ariada and they say what size I go Grande and then they throw her on the counter

God I wasn't expecting that. Yeah. Well, she's so light. You were saying. She's so light. I don't want it to interrupt you. You know she only weighs 63 pounds?

She rides in a baby seat in the backyard, a car seat. Well, here's the kicker. All four of my kids weigh more than her. And Pepperidge Farm weighs about a dozen of her. What's your favorite cookie? Ooh. I'm going to say the ones that those stupid elves make in the tree, the kebler fudge, the fudge.

The fudge. Yeah, yeah, the fudge, like an Oreo, but instead it's white on the outside, brownish, and then white on the inside. Am I right? Yeah, kind of like Chicago. D-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You say meal in a bottle?

Yeah, say hello to Hewle, okay? I'm drinking it right now. Oh, chocolate. That is chocolate. That's a meal in a bottle that takes. like chocolate, okay? Hewle is nutritionally complete food with everything your body needs and it's a meal in a bottle. I mean, let's go. If you don't have time to go out to eat, if you don't have time to cook, get some huel in you right away. This is the chocolate one I

told you. It's delicious. And I got to ask you, what are your goals this fall? What are you Chasin. This thing has 40 grams of protein, six grams of fiber, 27 essential vitamins and minerals, no added sugar, gluten-free, my friends, under $3 per meal, and this thing's ready in 60 seconds. Huell makes healthy eating simple. Try both today with 15% off your purchase for new customers with my exclusive code, Harland, at Huell, Doc. backslash Harlan. Use my code and fill out the post-checkout survey to help support the show. Get your eat on while you're getting your drink on. Hewell, fool. Hang on one second. Okay. Are you calling Ariana Grande? No. I just want to see how many steps I've

gotten so far. Oh, oh, you're one of those exercise nuts? Yeah. How many have you gotten in so far? since you sat down and haven't moved. I got like $8,000. I went for a hike this morning. How's your heart? Heart's great. Yeah? Yeah, they moved it from here to my hip.

Oh, wow. Yeah, but it's much better right now. I got a space up here for another Oregon. I haven't decided what I'm going to use yet. Oh, I love Oregon. No, no, no, Oregon. Yeah. Oregon.

Yeah, great. It's not pronounced Oregon. It's a great state. It's Oregon. Okay. Well, whatever it is. I'm going to ask you that again in about five minutes. Okay.

Because I'm leaving. Can you make it ten? Wait, you went hiking this morning, my guy? Yeah, guy. Where? Hollywood Hills. I went with Kristen Schall. Do you know her?

Oh. From, yeah, from Last Minute on Earth. I know Kristen. I know, Concord. I know Kristen. I don't know a shawl. Kristen Shawl? Yeah.

No. Okay. Okay, guy. So wait, how long was this hike? It was two hours. And was this part of your podcast that you do where you interview people on a hike? Web series? Yeah.

Yeah, it's not a podcast. It's not a web series. Do you want to plug it since you organically brought it up and dropped it in on purpose? We got the book out there and I do a podcast. It's on YouTube. It's called Hiking with Kevin. I have different guests on every week. Conan O'Brien's been on a time.

Hank's. Crow. It's Paul Rudd. It's pretty amazing. Bill Burr was on it recently. YouTube.com every week. Not every week. Whatever I feel like it. Can you describe what it is? It's very confusing.

The title, like just tell them what it is, the format. I hike with a different celebrity every, you know, every over the week or whatever. We hike in the Canes of LA. I got a selfie stick with a camera on the end. And we just chat. We chat. We have a good time. I got a drone. I fly the drone. And I edit it at home. It's a one-man-oper.

Isn't it hard to chat when you're out of breath and you're walking up a steep incline? Yeah, it is. But, I mean, is that the best environment to talk to someone slash interview? Hint, hint. Well, it doesn't affect the environment while you're talking unless you've got bad breath. Does that make sense at all? Say it again? I said the chatting outside doesn't affect the environment unless you have garlic breath.

If you could just roll that back one more time, guy. God. You know, this looks like a 1970s headshot now. What is this? Looks like you're leaning on a flamingo. Admiral. The interviews, you know, when they ask you questions. So let me ask you this.

What? When you got out of the service, he went right into the carpeting business. Is that true? Shag. I specialized in shag. This is back in the 1900s. Well, see, I think when people say carpeting, carpeting can be this high, a good piece of standard carpeting.

But when you get into shag, to me, that's real carpet. I'm a purist. You know what the exact opposite of shag is? Indoor, outdoor carpeting. Make up your mind. Yeah. You can't have both. It's hard to do.

You can never lay it down because it won't, you don't know. And then it's like you got. Is this the indoor or is that the outdoor? because it comes in little squares. Well, and it doesn't know what to do. That's like telling your dog to go in and out, to pee and eat. And, you know, it's like you have a pet door. Yeah, that's not good for the carpet psyche.

Are you indoor or you outdoor? Don't call me both. When you go to the grocery store, do you use a shopping cart or one of those handheld baskets? I get, have you ever seen these Sherpas that go up the side of Mount Everest? Sure, Sherpas. I have these four kids. and I put packs on the back of their back,

especially fatty gets a wide one. And I bring them up and down. I bring them up and down the aisles and just fill their backpacks with groceries. I told you, I'm putting these kids to work, my four children. Kimmy Longwau, David, Sri Lanka, and Pepperidge Farm, the fat one. My guy, you sound like a good dad.

I'm a great dad. You get that a lot? You should see what I do at birthday parties. I don't let anyone jump out of the cake. I make them jump into the cake. And then I roll it off a cliff. Do you have the pinata? I've had it.

What do you put in the piano? What do you put in the piano? In the piñata. In the pinata. Well, what I do is I'm trying to get Pepperidge Farm to lose weight. And she's a chunkster. So what I do is I get her seven or eight bags of the mini bars. And she doesn't chew because she's so fat.

so she'll just swallow them, like an eel swallowing fish. She inhales them. She sort of inhales them, and now we got this fat kid just full of candy. And what all, are you okay? Yeah, I think you're, so, oh, hang on. I think, is it okay? Maybe if you go around and up.

So what we do is we fill fatty up with the mini, the fun-sized bars, and I'll hang her upside down from a tree in the yard, and I'll let the kids whack her with bamboo sticks. And she'll pop little chocolate bars out of her anus. Just like, and you can hear them. It's like smack, puk, puk, and so she's sort of shooting milkyways, snickers, three musketeers, all over the yard.

Almost like a sprinkler. Three of them. Was it always three? There used to be four, but one of them got AIDS. Well, you ask, you know what? Fuck you, look at this. You never heard of three musketeers with aid? Wait, four musketeers.

I don't even know how you can go there. I mean, really, I mean, it's really, really going a little too far, I think. With the three, it's the fourth musketeer having AIDS. Why can't a musketeer get AIDS? You know they were kind of scoundrels. They were known for their swash-buckling cavalier ways. that has nothing to do with me. They would climb over the king's wall

and have sexual intercourse with her royal highness. Dumpy. Sat on the wall, had a big crack. Great fall. Had a great fall on AIDS. He fell on AIDS.

Dude, read your mother's goose and grims or whatever. Can you still get a king's horse these days? Yes. A Burger King. Because they use horse meat there. So if you go around the back in the morning before they slaughter it, That's not true.

Yeah, they use pure horse meat. That is not. And if you go around the back before the slaughter starts, you can get one of the King's horses, the Burger King's horses. Oh. Yeah. Have you ever ridden a horse?

Yeah. Where? I'd love to hear where you rode it. Ha ha ha ha. I really would and would. You would have to be hard. to talk off a ledge. Really?

Yeah. Or the King's Wall. Not really. I mean, a nice, like, a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken, and I'm in. Like, I'm off that ledge like that. I've ridden a horse in a lot of different places, but I've fallen off of two horses in my life.

Oh, no. Right off the back. Like a flip. Tell me what happened, guy. Well, one time I was dating this girl, and she had horses. Okay. I was trying to show I was a good horseman. And we got back to the corral.

You know, the horses like to run to the corral, because they know it's home. They want to get back there. I had a fat horse and he loved to run to the golden corral. But thank you. I'm still talking. Oh, sorry.

All right. And so I was on the car. I was on the horse. And I fell up the back. And I noticed that she didn't see it. She was closing the gate behind us. So I ran up and I jumped out back on the horse. I pretended nothing to happen.

Oh, wow. And did the horse tell her when you got to the barn? The horse squealed on me. Yeah. But you know what? I was out. I could. I never were getting cautiousness after that.

Did you hurt yourself? Because, look, we were talking about Hollywood earlier. Christopher Reeves, Superman. He fell off a horse and severed his spine and was paralyzed for the rest of his life. He was, I don't want to say... Which Superman was he? He was the first one. After the second one, just before the third...

What about George Reeves? What about George Reeves? George Reeves? George Reeves? Was the first one. Oh, okay. Do you know who his brother was? Michael?

Steve Reed played Hercules. One of the brothers decided he would work out and get very fit. Yeah. And the other one said, no, let's use padding. Who was stronger, Hercules or Superman? Superman. Okay. You don't have to go into puberty.

I just heard your voice crack. Did you hear yourself? You went Superman. Guy, that wasn't me. Dude, you went right into puberty. Guy, that wasn't me. I've been doing this podcast. a long time. I've never asked a question

that shot a guy right back into puberty. Now, you might want to pull down your pants and see if there's hair there, Baldi. Wow. You did it. Your voice squeaked. I said, you said, Superman. Dude, you're probably balder than an Alabama peach.

Wow. Cheers to them. You bring out the best in people. I bring out the breast in people. What are you serving today? probably a lob just over the top of the net with a side spin and what about food life oh oh oh i don't think they have food at the courts no i mean right here but the food court oh you want something to eat what do you got let me look what's the special today you got a menu

hey on i'm getting it do you like those menus you rikida sushi do i what you rikida sushi guy Have some nice sushi. Is it fresh? Tell me how fresh this is. I just pulled it up right out of my pant, right out of the thing. I'll say it again. You like it as sushi guy?

Dude, did you or did you not ask for food? I asked for food. Well, take some for... I don't think sushi's food. Well, it's fish. Let me try. A little stale. Well, look.

That's not fresh. Beggers can't be choosers. That is not fresh. All right to me. Oh, that's kind of... Do you like the freeze? I'm eating. Do you like beef jerky?

I'd rather be with a woman, really. Do you like beef jerky? No, no. Do you rather be with a woman? You like the dried fruit? Like, you know... I'd rather be with a woman. I just said it.

I don't want a beef jerky. I don't want to dried fruit. Was it fried nectarines, is it? What's the fried, the orange one? They're fried. No, not fried. They're... Dried.

Dried. Dantorines. No? Well, it's my show. I want to say avocado. You ever have a dried avocado? You want to say it and that you just did. You live it on the counter for like a month.

And it's dry. Back to you. Well, it's also probably got salmonella poisoning guy. You can't leave food out on the counter. You ever see Foster Brooks? Yeah. You did that whole drunk character. You like, you don't want to leave your food out on the counter

because you'll get bacteria. And then you'll get, you don't want to get food. Food poisoning. He was your mentor. Did you love him? I loved him. Oh, he's the best. I saw him once in real life.

I was in Vegas at a boxing thing in the 80s. Pardon you? Loss? In Vegas. Las Vegas. Okay. Las Vegas. It's Las Vegas, by the way.

It's spelled last. It's spelled L-A-S. Not L-O-O-S. Lost. It's not L-L-A-L-V-A-A-V-A-A-V-A-A-V-A-A-A-V-A-A-V-A-A-V-A-V-A. get it right, or get it out. Get it out. Get it right or get it out.

No, I was going to say get it right or go to a piano store, open a grand, put your head in it, and slam the grand piano lid on your head over and over about 42 times, is what I was going to say. Can I ask you something really seriously? I'm busy? Have you had therapy? Have I what?

Have you ever had therapy? Yes. And? Well, you know, the guy left after about two hours. I tried my best to hear what ailed him. Did you ever have therapy regarding your issues? Real answer? Yeah.

I did. And? I went for 10 sessions after my divorce, which I never talk about. So here's you getting something out of me. Okay. Which I was supposed to get something out of you. That's right. But my mother, who was a very loving woman, very intelligent woman, she was a marriage counselor and a social worker.

She helped prostitutes get off the street and help people kick their drug habits. Is that true? Your mother did that? Yep. The mother was an angel. So I think you're leading to tell me that your mother told you, I gave you some advice. My mother called me up and she was worried after the divorce. She lives up in Canada.

Why did you get divorced? I'm not going to go into that. You don't have to go into it. I just wondering how long you were married. Not going into it. I'm not asking you to go into it. I'm just asking you to go into it. I'm just asking you have numbers.

Numbers. How many years? Wow. I see the... I'm giving you a nugget here. I'm giving you a speckle. We've been best friends for how long. I've pushed the button right there.

And I've finally opened up to you about something very personal that nobody else got out of me, but Kevin Zachary Neal you. And my mom'sies, as I called her. Yeah. She was concerned because divorce is traumatic. Have you been divorced?

Yes, I have been. How long did your divorce take to get? I mean, how many before it went through? I will control the answers, not you, Paris Hilton, Jr. I don't care that you've got one of your sleeves rolled up and you're showing a vein. Now, my mother, who was very astute, very smart, she knew about the trauma of divorce.

Because you had gone through a divorce. No, because she was a marriage counselor, and she was a social... And you were going through it at the time. No, I went through it, and at the end of it, my mother said to me, she goes, son, I know you might not want to do this, but you've been through an ordeal

and I would like it you don't have to do it but I think it would be wise for you and it would make me happy if you found a therapist and sat with them and just talked about it just go ten times

and she actually went online and found a therapist in the valley for me because I didn't know how to that was not my world and I didn't want to do it but because it was my wonderful mother who I value her and she's very smart and I went and did it. I went and sat with this gentleman for 10 sessions and what did you talk about your wife which is weird

because I've never been married to your wife did you find you were able to open up to him oh yeah I did on purpose I opened all the way up because I'm thinking what's the point if I don't do this and did you discover things about yourself that you didn't know before this is going to sound pompous and conceited and arrogant. And I'm just being honest, I went in. I did the 10 sessions very openly. And at the end of it, I didn't feel the needle move. I felt like I just sat and was talking to a buddy telling him about the rigors of what I went through. But isn't that therapy is having somebody to listen to you? I guess so, but I had all my buddies to talk to. So I, I know. And I want to say, oh my God, I went with this guy and he put everything into perspective and my whole mindset

shifted and he made me think and think, but I'm just being honest. And again, I'm going to sound like a Mr. Know It All, but I went away and I was like, okay, I talked to the guy and I opened up as much as I could. Did you ever go to couples therapy? I did. And they got mad because I was in there alone. I was like a third wheel. I went to couples therapy once. And, It was the therapist that were the couple. And I was... Oh, wow. Yeah.

And how did... They got into a fight. Oh, boy, what did you do? I started counseling them. And what happened? We switched seats. I got over in their seat. They got on my seat.

So they were sitting one on top of each other? Wow. On the lap. And what was the resolution? Well, our time was up, so we never came to resolution. Oh, no. Yeah. So when you go to a therapist, do you lie down at all?

on the couch? Because people don't know lie down. I not only lied down, but I did a spread eagle. I don't know if you remember these, where you just open your legs really wide. And I thought, if I'm going to lay here and blabber my guts out, I might as well have

the therapist eat me out while I'm doing it. And so I had my legs were wider than an ostrich running through a windstorm. And this guy, you know, I would just talk away for an hour, and he'd be on his knees eating me out. almost like a crocodile at a carrion festival. And was there any conversation about maybe how it might be your fault

the breakup? Well, I take full blame. There's two sides to every coin. Not full blame, but 50%. I think even when someone is possibly the obvious kind of fulcrum for the dissolution of your marriage or your relationship. Do you still keep in touch with her? I still would say that's just my perspective,

and I'm willing to take 50% of it because I just feel like there must have been something that I did that contributed to it too, but sometimes you can't see it because you're you. So I'm willing to take... So you're, okay. Even though maybe deep in my heart, I don't feel like it was mostly my fault, but I'm willing to.

Do you think that she thinks it was your fault, or does she think, was she take 50% too or no? I don't know. I can't get into her head, but I think most people like... But you guys loved each other at one point. Oh, yes. Like loved and... A lot of good experiences.

How many years were you married? See, you're coming back around to that when I shut that out a few minutes ago. You thought Daddy would forget. I just was, I'm curious. I'm this close to spread eagling right now. It's not going to affect anything. I just want to know how many years. I want to ask about her or anything.

Well, I'll tell you if you tell me, because you said you were divorced. 12 years. I mean, 12, 2 for me. Oh. Yeah. You were married for two years? Yes.

And what happened? Well, you really want to know? Yeah. Because this might hurt you as much as it hurts me. Okay. I was in a Hollywood function one night. A black tie kind of awards event. Here I am in a tux. I'm looking pretty dapper, almost James Bond-esque.

And I've got a martini in my hand with an olive. What was your first name's wife? Your wife's name? Sarah. So here I am and I look across the room and here's Sarah. Almost. Same name? Let me finish, guy.

I mean, good Lord. You asked these questions. Go ahead. Did you learn that at truck driver's school? Wow. That was saloon school. Wow. And here's this girl.

We just locked eyes. Okay, yeah. So you saw her? I saw your wife. Oh, my wife? Yeah, Sarah. That's not her name. Well, it was that night.

That's my third wife. Yeah. All right, so anyway, you fell in love with somebody else. Your wife. And your wife and my wife both caused our divorce. But let me ask you this, just while we're out. And then we'll step away from this. One more, and I know you're not going to get too invasive.

Did you have a pre-nup? A pre-nup. Explain, because I think they might not know what that is. Do you know what it is? I know what it is. I'll explain it to them. You really know how to turn things around. rubber man. It's like, I almost

pitch you with a giant condo because everything bounces off of you. We all know what a pre-nup is. So there was a pre-known pre-nob. Here's the deal. And I'm getting real with you again. So you better reciprocate. Finally, if we're going to be best friends, I

brought up a pre-nup. You did? I did bring it up because that's kind of what you do nowadays, okay? How long ago was this? This was in 1990, no, sorry, 98, 99. Okay. I brought up pre-nup, and which is totally, I think people should be able to do, right, in today's world.

Absolutely. It's a tough topic, but I think people should be able to bring it up. Yeah. I saw the light dim in her eyes when I brought it up. I saw a glitch. I saw a little like, you know, and in my heart, I went, I am not going up the altar with her

knowing that maybe that diminished the love. I wanted 100% purity. See, you did not have a pre-nup. I did not have a prune up because I wanted to go up with the feeling that it was permanent, it was forever, and I wanted the purity of pure love to surround the day and surround our energy and everything. And so I, as I say, I forwent the pre-nup. And you regret that. you know what's interesting

I don't really I mean yes you can regret it fiscally but I got to tell you to be up there on the altar with that purity around me knowing my intentions were pure and real and hers were too I hope you know you don't know what anyone else is thinking

but I it felt amazing and so maybe that was worth it in a spiritual sense. Right. So when was the last time you saw her? You're really good. No, I was just curious. When was the last time you saw her?

This is a long time ago that you got married. Huh? You got married in 1998, you said? When was the last time you saw her? No, no, no. Now we're dipping over to you, Charlie Brown. I know you're curious. So is George.

Is that her name, George? No, curious George was a monkey, although she was hairy. I mean, are you still on good terms? Way, way, way, chucky cheese. I let you in and pluck some real delicacies off the shelf

we're gonna pump the truck driver brakes while you're horking on the floor now we're bouncing over to you you're gonna edit this all right this is raw this is the realest we've ever seen you even though you haven't said anything and got it out of me

we'll see now let's bounce it back to you fly boy tell me about your divorce did you have a pre-nop uh yes she wanted one. She wanted it. For me, that's so much she cared about me.

She wants, because I think when you get a pre-nup, that way, if you get a divorce and there's a lien in your house, she shares some of that. Right. You know, or there's anything else. So I'm going to tell you about a relationship that I really regretted.

Okay. It's not ours, is it? It could be. See how it goes. Chubbies, chubbies. I'm wearing my chubbies. How do they make me feel? Well, I'm singing, aren't I? That's a beautiful sign.

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at chubby shorts. dot com backslash harland highway that's harland highway at chubby shorts dot com backslash harland highway support the show and show your thighs some respect with chubbies with chubbies with chubbies with chubbies i'm singing because i feel so good where are my chubbies so uh when i first moved out here, I would hang out at the improvisation. And there was an old character actor, comedian there, named Joey Ross. Okay. From Car 54.

I don't know if you watched that show. Car 54. Car 54, where are you? Yeah. So he was about 70 at the time, and he'd come in there. And I knew him, you know, over the years. And then he came in one day, he goes, I might have a job for you. He had met this woman. He met this woman who was like

an ex, like, a prostitute from Houston. She had her eye shot out. She had her eyes shot out or she had eye shadow on? She had her eye shot out. And she had skin that looked like she'd been floating in the pond somewhere for like a week.

Like it would come off on your finger. Yeah. And just kind of hunched back and rose-colored sunglasses. And he said, I might have a job for you. I said, what is it, Joe? He goes, well, I'll let you know. Pays the amount that the club pays you. Was that $25? I said, yeah. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what it is.

He smoked a cigar, too. And he said, you know, I'm married, I'm a pretty, right? And she wants to have a kid. And, I mean, I'm 70. I can't get it. I can't get it going, you know. So you just go upstairs and she'll take care of you. You know, she'll give you a good time.

And then, you know, that'll be that, you know. He goes, you come from a nice family, good Catholic family. You're funny. You're good looking. Good jeans. She's called good jeans. So I said, let me think about that, Joe. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Yeah. You know, because she may fall in love with me. Well, she can't see you. Part of me. The problem is the good eye was a lazy eye. Oh, so one of her eyes was only partly shot out. I'll get back to that in a minute. So she came, I come in there the next day, he comes up to me,

and goes, what did you think about it? What do you think? Is that a go? I see, you know, I really appreciate it, Joe, but I don't know that it's my thing. But yeah, so I got a kid out there. He's 34 years old. It's got his eye shot out, too. It's jeans.

take a break we'll be right back how did her eyes get shot out by a pimp whoa I don't like to talk about it anymore though but I would that's where we're different so your wife's name was what so wait a minute when you shoot someone's eyes out that's a good shot behind the eyes is the brain

I mean the bullet doesn't stop once it gets to the back of your eye it's gonna go right through your head and kill you and she got two paintball Oh, it was paintball. Okay. So she's got the green, the eye was green that she got shot out. It was normally blue.

Both are green? Well, just one is green now. What's the other one red? Well, yeah. Okay. Sounds beautiful. She's still around? I'm sorry, I was thinking about something else.

Oh, what were you thinking about? I was thinking about what else I have to do today. What do you got going on? Let's talk about that. Well, you know, I do stand-up comedy. Not really. Not really. Not really. Sort of. You know what? I like to have alone time.

And I'm home alone at the house this week. Okay. And I get a lot of stuff done. You know what I mean? I edit things and I draw. I paint. I play the banjo and the guitar. I'm just learning how to play the bass guitar now. Okay. I've been out on tour with Adam Sandler. Wow. It's a very musical kind of an act. So I get involved with that.

And then I like to shower up. I like to shower up after my hike because I get really smell Yeah. I'm away home right now from the hike. Yeah. And then also, you know, I like to exercise. Doesn't look like it. I like to, you know, I like to, well, I hike today. I like to stretch this morning. I have a board that I stretch on.

It's from the 15th century. No way. What's it called? It's called a cut in quarter. Okay. You look like you're bored right now, actually. I get bored listening to myself talk. So do they.

Why? Because I hear it all the time. Yeah. Have you ever, you said you'd like to shower and play music. Have you ever had the stand-up bass in the shower with you? Oh, yeah. And? I have a waterproof one and a trumpet. Oh, wow.

Yeah. I've had a whole band in there once. Oh, wow. Yeah. Which one? Johnson Roses? 10 CC. Oh, wow.

And by the way, there's only five of them. No. Yeah, there's not 10. What happened to the other CCs? Drown. Oh, wow. Ferry mishap. Now, when you say CC, is that CC as in an email you CC'd someone, or is it CC the mechanical CC?

It's neither of those. Oh, what is it? It's somebody telling you to, you're not paying attention. They go, see, see? See? See? Oh. It's really high the inflection.

It's C, see, see? So if I said that to your girlfriend with no eyes, would that be an insult? One eye. If I said C.C. to her, she'd be like, hey, fuck off. Because she's got, you can't say C C C. First of all, she's not my girlfriend. Well, it sounded like you plowed her up in the green room. You said you had a baby.

I never said I had a baby. Well, you plowder. I never said I plowder. Plout her eyes out. That I said. Yeah. That I said. Yeah.

When you put your wiener in, did her paint by eyes pop out? Like, should they? Like, it's like when you fill a fish tank with water. Yeah. when you put the air in like so the air like so when you go in did her eyes pop out no that must have been an ego boost for you oh my gosh that's crazy did her eyes ever pop out and hit the ceiling fan and then swirl around the room and then come back in but they were the wrong side no but they did go into a garbage disposal once oh god and then she got spat out the thing she must have

seen in there sounds like you just hit a wall. Like that last, it didn't sound like the wind through a canyon. It sounded like a lungfish taking its last breath in the basin of the Amazon rainforest. Yeah. Wow.

Oh, God. It's almost like a reverse blowjob you just did. How are we going to dismount from this? Well, remember how you fell off the horse. Yeah. Well, we're going to do our final segment. Okay. Wait, how much time? Well, we still have

Two hours to go. No, we have a final segment. You know what it is. We do it every time. Yeah, yeah, I like it. Words from a wooden shoe. You pull a word out and tell us us if it relates to a story in Kevin Neal and journey. What's your word, guy? Fist fight. Okay. I've never been in a fist fight in my life. I think we can see that. I did get hit, and that's probably why I was never in a fist fight.

Talk to me. I've been sideblinded. By the girl with no. Blindsided. Oh, what happened? Well, one time I was in Little League and I was the pitcher and I think this disgruntled player wanted to be the pitcher

so he came up behind me and just punched me in the nose and hurt so badly. Hold on, you can't get punched in the nose if he's hit you from behind. It comes around front. You didn't say that. So I don't know I'm not comfortable.

The other time I was going to school in eighth grade and there's a lot of diversity there and some guy just it was like being in a prison. He wanted to see how tough I was, and he hit me in the nose. I fell out of my seat, onto the floor. Everybody's looking, see what he's going to do.

So I've never been in a fist fight. Oh, wow. I pretended I was going to hit somebody, but I never did. You know, it's sort of, this may sound weird, but it's a bit of a tragedy. Most growing men have never been in a fist fight. No. Or been physical or know what it's like to receive a punch. Not good.

And I think it sort of affects the masculinity of the modern man. and as brutal and violent as it sounds, I think it might be worthy of every man at some point in his life to receive a punch and give a punch just for his primal masculinity. Because I think we've sort of lost that in our society, and I know it sounds violent, but that's how we are wired.

That's how our ancestors were. And I think the fact that many of us have never been in a physical altercation, it sort of softens us to a point where men aren't as manly as they should be. I think there'd be less fights if everybody got into a fight one time. Maybe.

You know? And also... Would you like me to punch you? A lot of guys that are small are tougher than the big guys because they've had to get in fights. Well, I'll tell you, small guys have what we call

a lower center of gravity because they're stalkier and they're lower to the ground, their frames are lower. So they have a good advantage when they're fighting because they're grounded, right? Whereas a taller guy,

you get up under his, and I don't have a chin, so I don't know what I'm talking about, but you get up under their chin, you can, they go off balance easier. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Well, I hope, look, as a closing sentiment, I hope you get the shit kicked out of it.

I hope you get in a fight soon. Would you like to be in a fight? I would like that. Okay, I hope you get jumped on the way home or mugged in an alley or beaten within an inch. No, I don't want any of that for you. You don't want that for me. I don't want you to get hurt.

You're a treasure. I'm a treasure. And you're my best friend. I don't want my best friend getting hurt. I appreciate you. Do you regret never being in a fight? Does that bother you? I saw your sort of the masculinity.

You kind of had a little twitch. I always wonder if I could be. be the kind of guy that could be a hero. Yeah. Like if there's somebody running through a mall with a gun, would I go out there and tackle him? Would you? I'd like to think so.

Yeah. But no. You wouldn't. But here's, let me submit this. Sometimes in the moment, our hero reflex emerges almost involuntarily. Yes. I think a lot of humans are wired

where they have a knee-jerk reaction to do the right thing, to try and be protective. and I think a lot of men, they step into scenarios where they didn't think they would, but that hero gene in them just emerges. I have a feeling you would, you would jump into action. That's what I want to believe.

You're probably right. I would do that. You would. But it would probably not turn out well. Because you got to knock the gun out of their hand right away. But you're a big guy. You're a good physical, you're a healthy guy. You're hiked this morning.

Yeah. You're like, you're ready to go. You're ready to throw down. I am ready to go. You are? Ladies. Oh, is that it? Well, you said you were ready to...

Do you want to fight? No. Oh. Careful. Careful. You have your sleeves already rolled up, too. You look like you're ready to go. No, it's good.

Kev, thanks for being here, my guy. Guy, I always love coming here. Well, listen. There's a lot of things straightened out in my life, I think. Yeah. You've got some really good philosophy about me. We do. And before you go, I need you to tell people where they can see you.

I want to plug your beautiful book where they, where can they get your incredible book? That's called I exaggerate. My precious with fame. It's a book of caricatures, celebrity caricatures. I read a little anecdote on the opposite page about my experience with that person. You can get it at, I would suggest getting at a mom-and-pop store. But if they don't have Amazon overnight, it's, yeah. It is, you are a freaking.

Incredible artist. I'm an artist and I can vouch. You are, there's Howard Stern. That's not the one. Is that Andy Leibowitz? You've got to back it up a little bit. What is it? Flip that way. That's Howard Stern. Oh, go one more page. Maybe. Go back the other way. Oh, there's Dorothy. You gotta go back the other way. Okay, well. This is one of my favorite ones. It is? Oh, wow. Wow, look at this. You drew that. What medium did you use? Medium rare. Okay, it looks well done to me. Oh, almost burnt.

Well, it's rare that people will say that. But check out Kevin's book, and then Kev, tell them about your, one of the funniest stand-ups in Texas. I have a special coming out. Talk to me. It's called Loosen the Crotch. I'm not sure we could find it yet. Yeah. But it's, I got to tell you, it's a good one.

It's a good one. It's a good one. It's a good one. And also, I have the hiking with Kevin on YouTube. You can go to that. Yeah. You find that. That's at YouTube.com forward slash Kevin Nealyn comedy.

And what about your stand-up schedule? Stand-up, good question. Yeah. Kevin Neelan.com. Check out my touring schedule for my stand-up comedy. It's quite good. Oh, Kev, such a Danish delight to have you here. Thank you.

I appreciate that. It's always a pleasure coming here. Do you want to impart any words of wisdom to my audience of 12 before we go? No, I got nothing. nothing at all just love peace and love peace and love and food how about just a piece of food i love a piece of food yeah that's what i think you're trying to say that's what i'm saying might get your energy up wow i can't go up any higher than this there's your piece of food enjoy that looks like something else oh oh we got to go thanks kevy webb

until next time chicken chowmaine everybody and uh we'll see you then i thought it went well i don't hey everybody how would you like your very own personal video message from me yours truly it's your birthday it's your anniversary it's your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh you get to pick the topic you want me to discuss give me some talking points And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com.

And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.