The Harland Highway - KIRK FOX has a crazy frozen shoulder and some saucy teenage dreams that he must deal with ASAP!

Episode Date: July 1, 2025

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When you're born, I guess there's a lot of dirt in the vaginal cavity. Like sand? There is sand. Gravel? Depends on where the baby was made. Really? If you make love on the beach, your child comes out sandy. You should probably name it Sandy, too.

If you want to, then it'll go on the nose, but... I guess you can call them placenta face. Hala, halla, halla, ha la, halla, halla, halla, halla, halla, halla, halla, halla, halla, halla, ha la ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hau hauhaha hau hauha. Okay. Is it going? Well, you, when, I don't want to tell you. Oh. Because I don't want to start without you.

Then I already feel I'm in a hole. Are we recording? Yeah, we're recording. Okay. We're gone. When did it start? It started about two hours. ago before you got here.

So I've already been complaining? Well, you've already been cataloged, documented. Well, I haven't prepared. I just took a shower. Oh, wow. You look. Oh, you smell Daisy Fresh. Have you ever heard that term Daisy Fresh?

I have. Am I... Have you ever heard the term manure fresh? Are you comfortable? I don't know. You seem fidgety, guy. Are you nervous? Is there something going on?

There's stillness. I just, I just got here and you came in hot. You seem like a little jitterbug, like a little like nervous Nelly. I asked you if you clean these microphones. Yeah. And you said, no, you don't. Well, not every time. And I just, and you said, what?

You said, why? And I said last time, it had a scent. It stunk. It was someone's bad breath. I don't know. I don't know if you know who. I do. It was before me.

I do. It was Halitosis Helen. Well, it was tracking. Yeah. How does it smell now? Well, this is good, but this, I had a feeling it wouldn't hit right. Oh, really? It's orange vanilla.

Yeah. That's not a good combo, but I just needed something. Now, you're sure we're recording? Yeah. We ever started about two hours ago. How do I look? Can I Are we almost done?

We're probably just starting, I think. Okay. Do you want the theme music to help? I don't need help. I'm just pointing out that... I think this might settle you down because you're really jittery. Like, have you been shoplifting or something?

You look like you've been shoplifting, that big coat. My left eye was a little bloodshot from the shower. Oh. So that's all. You're not supposed to shower your eye. Well, you get in there. Yeah. Some soap.

maybe went in. I wasn't sure if I was going to shampoo or not because sometimes I just rinse and then the hair's more full. And now I washed it, oh, that hurts. See, that's a move I can't even do currently.

Wait, before we get to your, oh, it hurts. Did you use baby shampoo? No, it was adult strength. It was full-grown shampoo. Yeah, it's in a blue bottle. It's in a blue bottle. But when I'm out in the world, I use whatever is in the shower. Yeah.

So each hotel varies on a degree of quality. You ever just get a bar of soap and grind it on your head? I do. I'm not afraid to... Grind? I'm not afraid to let... Look like a grinder. I'm not afraid to let soap that's not meant for hair.

Yeah. Give it a shot. Why not? It's still got false sides and sulfasides in it. If you can get bubbles, I think... Yeah. I think it can explode off some dirt. Well, if that's your theory, then you could sit in a tub and do water babies and stick your head underwater.

I can. I can do just about anything. Have you ever done water babies? I'm not sure I'm against. Is that like a water berth? It's like a water fart. You fart and bubbles come up. No, but that sounds fun.

They're called water babies. No, because when I fart in the bathtub, I also poop. Oh, Lord, love a lemon boy. So that's just a phase. It's just a phase. So there's not a lot of bubbles until the log breaks the surface. Hey, Noah's Ark. It's nice to be here.

This vanilla's growing on me. Yeah, I thought you'd like it. It's like a melted creamsicle. Yeah, it's not good. And by the way, why do babies need shampoo? They're all bald. Well, I think it's just to get the scalp clean. A lot of the scalp is full of dirt.

Babies? Baby dirt. What are people rolling around on their heads? From the birth. Dry placenta. The fluid that comes, when you're born, I guess there's a lot of dirt in the vaginal cavity. Like sand? There is sand.

Gravel? Depends on where the baby was made. Really? If you make love on the beach, your child comes out sandy. You should probably name it sandy, too. If you want to, let it go on the nose. I guess you can call them placenta face. Okay, this smells pretty good.

And we've started. Wow, we started about two and a half hours ago. Before I got here. I roll the cameras early when you come in just in anticipation of the thunder. I shaved a beard last night. Who's? It was mine. I had a big full beard.

So I'm not sure. I feel handsome. Wait, you did a full shaving. You've already got five o'clock shadow? It starts immediately. You are the new Tom Selleck. But I don't go to the skin. I have a trimmer, and I go nine on the stash, and a three everywhere else.

Oh, wow. And in the end, you look like a tan. I feel like it. I feel like, I saw, I know where your eyes go. I know, but I'll give it. I drifted them back. Oh, is that mine over there? Yeah.

No, yours is here. Yeah, but why is there one over there? Well, just so you can give it some side eye. You all right? I'm just getting into it, man. No one wants to be anywhere. I didn't know. I feel like you might have been shoplifting.

That jacket's kind of bulky, and you look like a criminal element, to be honest. Even with your shampooed hair. I'll tell you, as I was driving here, I realized I'm going back to my original line of work. What is it? I was a behavioral profiler briefly for the FBI. So I'm going to go back to hunting.

serial killers. The comedy, I don't know if they're laughing. I don't know if they're laughing enough to warrant the effort. Yeah. I think I used to be funnier when I was talking about things like that.

Yeah. I'm talking about too much well, ejaculation. Oh, there we go. In the pants. Ouch. Because I don't masturbate. Oh, here we go.

I know. I'm so well but I'm not into it I know I don't think anyone is can we talk about something other than that yeah I'd like to I that's what I just said is as I was driving here I'm over that yeah well what do you I would like a refractory period yeah I would like to have to take time in between love making sessions as an edger you're always ready yeah is The refractory when you own a warehouse and there's mirrors on the roof? No, I think the refractory is the time between erections. Oh, what are this stuff?

Where you need 20 minutes and half a sandwich. Why he always seemed to veer down like dirty street? No, I told you I didn't want to. I know, but we were about to talk about your serial killer quest. Okay, that's fine. And suddenly we're talking about orangina in your trousers or whatever they say. I believe you mentioned something about refractory. Yeah.

So it's kind of a two-way street. What is? Refractory, period. Have you ever heard of a thing called the Coolidge Effect? Yeah. That's where men don't have a refractory period if they're with a different woman or man. Oh, well.

There's only a law if you're with the same woman again. Have you ever been with a woman or a man? I have. Which one? I wasn't sure. Oh, wow. I ride the middle in life. Wow, guy.

I'm not good with pronouns or verbs. Wow. So whatever you are, just be who you are. So you were with someone and you weren't sure. Oh, I'm never quite sure. I mean, I'm married. Oh. Is your wife a girl or a guy?

I couldn't tell you for sure. Wow. Well, what do you feel under the sheets at night? I do not touch. I also have three dogs now. Oh. So there's a lot of things under the sheets. Wow.

So you're in a non-contact marriage? There is, but I don't know who it's with. Is there intimacy? Four. Five? For who? Oh, I thought you were counting. I can't.

Is there intimacy between you and it since we don't know what it is? I wouldn't be able to tell you for sure. If it's intimate. Wow. Have you ever laid on top of said wife, husband? Not in months. But you have? By accident, I fell on top of her.

Oh, it's a her. At that moment, because we made a child. But now you don't know. So what you're saying is she's saying, oh, I'm going out for drinks with the girls. I'm going out to the card club. And you think she's been going to get a... There's not a lot of...

She doesn't really explain where she's going. I just know that there's a child in our life that might be mine. Oh. Was it intimacy that caused it? I'm not sure. Now, if you have a half-breed partner... What's the half? That's what I mean.

If you have a half-free where you don't know which way they go, is the kid a half-breed? Does it even matter? I don't... Is the kid a girl or a boy? I have no idea. Wow. Well, does it sit or stand when it pees? Well, the great news is...

Great news, okay. She used to stand because we would pee together outside. I think we've discussed... Oh, we talked about that, yeah, by the tree, the pea tree. She had... I have a pea tree, and I still use it. Yeah. And she had a pea mound. Okay.

Okay. And when I went to the tree, she would go to the mound. And she would stand tall, strong calves. Yeah. And she'd wear shoes with flashing lights on them, blinkers. Oh, wow. The flashing lights. Yeah.

Because sometimes she'd pee at night. Oh. And we have a California condor and coyotes. Yeah, night peer. And I always wanted to make sure if she was grabbed during a pee, I'd be able to tell the police the direction. Oh, because you'd follow the pee trail. No, I'd follow the shoes, the blinking lights.

Oh, but you can also follow the pee trail. Not at night. Not at night. Well, you can still see moisture at night. You can. I can't. My eyes, I have a stigmatism. Also got baby shampoo in them.

Left, but is it getting wider? It really looks rad. So this is the problem. Like a bull. This is why this is why this podcast should maybe be deleted. No, it's white. Okay.

Your eyes are as white as the white on a fried egg. Super. I'm not sure what that is. But listen. Yeah. At some point, she stopped peeing with me. Okay, that's probably healthy. For who?

For her. We now have nothing in common. Well, you don't want your kid getting into the teenage years and she or he's still peeing with daddy. Are you a daddy or a mummy? I'm confused. I don't know who's what anymore. I'm just a man trying to make it in the late 90s.

So now she uses a bathroom. Okay. And I don't like it. But I'm under the impression she might still be standing in the bathroom when she pees. So maybe she... Huh. Have you thought that cask if you could come in and watch? I don't ask.

You just go in. I just, you know, if I'm worried... You go in. I just kind of kick my way in. And is she standing or sitting? Standing at the time, but it could be because she jumps up scared. Huh. Wow.

So this is just who I am. Okay. Well, speaking of who you are. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at hardbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal.

So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got tuesday. We got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the, uh, the groovy images coming. You ask if it was, if she's a boy or girl. We don't know. It's not my place. We don't care.

Whatever she is or he, she seems nice. As long as you love it. Doesn't seem to like me. Can you say it? Can you say it? Oh, you really hurt your shoulder, huh? What happened, guy? I mentioned it.

Yeah. When I got here. Yeah, what happened? This is unbelievable. I'm currently suffering from what is called a frozen shoulder. Oh, no, what happened? Let me just let people... Now, can everyone see...

Were you leaning on the freezer? What happened? No, I just want... Yeah, you can show them. I'm trying to keep my posture strong. Okay. So... What?

I fell off the stage. What? A stage in Dublin, Ireland. Oh, an Irish stage. And I would say two months ago. What? and how first of all i finished telling some jokes i was i was in the united kingdom yeah with a young man named tom sagura tom sagura who has a show on netflix right now called bad thoughts okay which is

one of the top shows in the world come on global no no it's not and i'm in one of the stories all these times I do this show I don't like to plug things but this is something that I think you'd like because there's a toilet involved in my episode so that's all

that's just a toilet involved but I was in Dublin Ireland and I did some jokes and it was an arena it was a big room lots of people How many? Like 4,000? There may have been six. Wow.

And I did my ha-ha. Yeah. Said thank you. And I was supposed to go behind the curtain. Oh, here we go. There's a curtain. But for some reason, I went in front of the curtain. Oh, de.

And I got to the edge, and I realized that I wasn't seeing any familiar faces. And I realized I was on the wrong side of the curtain. Curtain. What happened? Well, I realized I need to get through this curtain. Yeah. Why are you saying curtain? They're made a cloth, not tin.

So is it curtain? Well, you keep saying curtin. You're putting an accent on tin. The reason is... And they're not made of metal. It's a fabric. Curtain. Curtain, yeah.

Curtain. It's almost like you take the A and the eye out and you go right to... You want me to say curtain. There you go. You just did it. It felt wrong. But it was sounded oh so right.

But I was supposed to get through the curtain. There you go. I like the other way. I don't think they were following you the other way. Curtin? Curtin you were saying. Okay. The curtain.

Curtain. Well, I would say I have a little PTSD from the curtain. Dude. I know. You got full-blown SARS, I think. Curtain. Yeah, there you go. And I wanted to get through the curtain.

Yeah, now you got it. And I realized, oh, it wasn't allowing me. Oh, yeah, hard to get through cloth. And then at some point, my foot slipped over the edge of this stage. Oh, my God. And I reached for the curtain. Oh, God. Here we go.

And first my hip hit first. The ground? No. The hip hit the stage. Okay. So that slowed me down a little. So instead of falling 12 feet, I fell six. Whoa.

And while in the air, I realized I'm going to hit ground. I might die. I thought, oh, that was a good set. Yeah. I felt good in the air. And it was a long fall. Yeah, because you're tall. You're like seven feet.

Well, I'm six feet, five inches of something. I'm just rounding it up to seven. And as I fell, somehow I began to curl. Oh, like a fetus? Like a fetus. Only you had the baby shampoo. And I landed on this shoulder. Oh, God.

And as I hit, I heard something. Well, you had a head and shoulders. Mostly shoulder. But I miss hitting a box that would have killed me. There was a state, there was a box. there was a box down there and I landed on some cables and it was loud everyone knew how does a box kill you it's just a box well I would have hit this part of my head traveling at temple I was falling it oh I was following it probably three or four hundred miles per hour yeah and wow and that shoulder

hit and I thought okay maybe the collar bone is broken maybe something is and I laid there for a moment hoping I could heal. I was scared. There was sadness, fear. God. Nothing was moving. I said, this is trouble. You were a bit paralyzed.

I was paralyzed. It took a while for everyone to get over there to me. So they didn't care? They did care. And I said, I'm all right. I just need a moment. And then they asked about my shoulder. And they said, do you want to go to the hospital?

And I did not. Why? Because it was the first show of the two. Oh, whoa, dude. Of how many shows? There was eight to follow. Oh. And there was a doctor in the audience that came and looked at it.

And he said, can you move your fingers? And I could. And I could do this. But I knew something was very wrong. And then Tom was even a little rattled, Mr. Tom Seguer. Yeah. Because his friend was in pain. Your friends?

We're friends. And then the next show was in Belfast the next night. How fast? Bell, fast. Wow. But I knew something was wrong because I couldn't lift it by then. And now we're at a stage where it's frozen. Oh, God.

What was the temperature? But when I came back to Los Angeles, I got an x-ray. Harlan, right? Yeah. I went, they were supposed to wait six months, but I had. some power at cedars. No way. And they said, oh, we can see you quickly. And I got the x-rays and nothing was broken. Thank God. But there was some damage. And now I have a Pilates instructor who's also a physical therapist, a doctor, I believe. And she said it's showing, not symptoms. What a, there's a word I'm

looking for that she said it's I wish I could talk to her symptom sounds accurate no it's showing signs it's not signs but of a frozen shoulder uh showing no I'm gonna have to call in later so there's a frozen there's a freezing stage

okay and I'm a little angry you can tell by my toe you are really angry So there's a two-month freezing stage. Is it a freezing stage or de-frosting? No, that comes. That's later. So I'm in the freezing stage. Oh, my, no wonder you're wearing the bulky coat.

Yeah. And then after the freezing stage, there's a frozen stage. Oh, my God. Freezing stage is the painful stage. Wow. And then there'll be two or three months of frozen. God, how many times can you watch that movie without throwing up? No, I'm in it.

And then there'll be the thigh in stage. It went down to your thigh? Eventually. Wow. You're almost like a shake of beef. Harlan, they say this might be a year of my life. What might be a year of your life? This, this frozen sensation?

I can do this. I can't go here. You can barely shoplift. I do some, the other day I was in, I was flying commercial for a moment. And I had to do this. Oh, to put your back. Back up?

No. Oh. When you do the X-ray? Oh, you gotta do this. You'll pretend you're getting hit by a truck. But I, they, you're supposed to cross your hands. Yeah. You're doing it.

Look at this. I'd love to get that high. Oh, you'll never sit in the front car of a roller coaster ever again. Oh, brother. And you can't sleep because it aches? Oh, God. I thought it was frozen. How can you feel aches if it's frozen?

aches if it's frozen the blood gets there there's a lot going on oh so that's kind of where i am right now and as an athlete yeah oh yeah that's your tennis arm no i'm right-handed oh thank god so i can still play a little tennis but i oh i can't toss yeah what's this that's where that's how you toss a ball but i can't it's also how a doctor lifts a nothing That's fine. I can't really do that. What? Lifting nuts sack?

I can't lift anything. God. I don't have a child, I believe. Sometimes when I come home, the child wants to jump in my arms and I yell, no. Well, what if your child just jumped in your arm, singular? I mean, you've got big long arm. They don't have to go in the ball lifting hand. The child is growing.

Then peeing. But this all gets back to you say, Can you ever get on top of the woman that you share? And I can't. I can't put any pressure. Oh, God. So if there was to be intimacy, she'd have to climb onto me, which doesn't seem appealing to her. Can you even wipe your own bottom, or how do you get back there?

Well, here's what I... You must have like a calc built up. I go with my right hand if I do wipe. Oh, wow. Someone's calling you. No, no. I just saw that. Why don't you turn that over?

Okay, God. You're fancy since you've been frozen. Let me make sure this is off. I'll turn all this off. That's okay. I noticed you used your frozen hand to turn your phone off. I'm starting to wonder if this is all a lie. Oh, it's not.

Well, I just saw you turn your phone off with complete ease. Because it's low. If you do things low, you can't. Well, let me see you try and turn it off up high. That's it. Well, I don't see a phone. phone in your hand. Oh, wow.

Wow, dude. But I found out that this is just a lot of women on menopause get a frozen shoulder. Wow. Amy Poehler had frozen shoulder. She did?

How do you know? It was discussed. I guess you could look it up, but maybe she just fell off a stage. That's possible. Also, it's a hormonal for women. Maybe you're a chick. This is what we're all getting back to. I don't really, I don't know what I am, and I don't seem to care.

Yeah. Have you been ovulating at all, or? I'm not sure. What does that really mean? It's sort of like when you turn on a fan, it ovulates. No, but I will say this. Okay, this. this is interesting because my wife

well it whatever it is half my age she is yeah but I say I say the good half the half with the money and the tits she has tits now she does so but she's kind of half my age does she have tits or it's because we don't know what she is

whatever she has she has I think it's have She has mounds that are masking something, maybe hiding. I think it's have itts and women have tits. I think yours, it has it. I don't know what she is. Well, that's why she has itts. At one point she wanted to freeze my sperm. Oh, wow, that sucks when your wife gets mad and throws your cock in the fridge.

Well, when she wanted to freeze it. Yeah. Because I think she was thinking about another. child with another guy maybe i don't ask any details i just wow would you do it would you freeze your well first of all yeah she said she possibly wants another child with me okay but she says my sperm is getting dumber weaker and lazier have you thought about putting it on an exercise I thought about that, but I also asked her, are we still talking about my sperm?

Oh, wow. But she said it's getting dumb, too dumb for her eggs. Oh, wow. And all I could think of was, if my sperm is too dumb for her eggs, I'm too dumb to go to Denny's? For the rest of her. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because my sperm and I go everywhere together. Except Denny's now. Yeah, we're. package deal. Wow. And if you see my sperm, I don't want it, Harlan, I don't want to. If you see my sperm I don't want it. I will never see that. Just always know that I'm about two feet behind it napping. Huh. And my sperm's brilliant. Well, you just said it was dumb. She did. Well, I've no way to prove that it's brilliant. Well, mine is because I've only wanted one child, I think, and I only have one. So it's listening.

I've never seen your sperm do a crossword. Well, I've never seen your sperm do Suduko. It could. I've never seen it solve a Rubik's cube. I don't know how smart your sperm is. You can't just say that without proof. Sperm are warm weather critters. They are?

For sure. What do you mean? They like warmth. They're always going. So freezing sperm has got to be the worst thing you can do to sperm, right? it's like if you are on your way to Hawaii with a girl or even by yourself you like the son

and you're dropped on to Everest yeah that's what sperm goes through right that they love it warm you bust a nut that sperm thinks it's headed toward creating life a warm area of a woman's up the fallopian highway the vajucal

warm the vajucal tube but what is it Vajucal. Is that a circus term? I've never heard that. The vagina has a Vajucal tube. Sounds like an instrument in the orchestra. Well, I went to med school for a week, and they talked about the Vajucal.

You ever played in an orchestra and played the Vajoucule? I did. That's like the chime. It is. A Vajucal chime. Okay. So I finally did say to her, if she wants my sperm. Frozen.

She can take it the way God intended. And how's that? I would say room temperature right on her tits. Her itts. Her it's. Well, you're not going to have a baby if you put it on her it's. I don't want another child. You said maybe you did.

Did I say maybe? Well, she does. She does. This is about me and my sperm. Don't freeze it. I don't want another baby. And if you think my sperm is too dumb for you, so am I. This is my out legal.

Yeah. I'll see you in court. Well, isn't there like in every, I hate to be rude, but in every load, they say there's about 350 million sperm. Okay. You freeze them. That's a lot of little chattering teeth.

This is true also. Your freezer is going to sound like it's full of popcorn. But now they, you say the numbers like just yeah all those little chattering sperms but now yeah you've

opened my eyes to something well your eye red eye and white eye you said there's 350 million sperm per load and only one of them sometimes gets to an egg yeah most of them don't like eggs

so it seems like they're all lazy. Huh. Good point. Okay. I stand corrected. And your daughter stands peeing. Yes. It's all one. What do you mean you stand corrected? I think I should freeze one strong sperm. Just one. How will you isolate it? Well, that's, now you have a problem. Yeah. Unless you have a sperm sorter. Or just something, something that can. Maybe a cut

Have you ever cut cocaine on a mirror? I've seen it in movies. Cut your sperm? If you're cutting sperm, you're liable to cut them in half. Yeah, then you've got a half sperm, and then you're going to have a midget. You've got to go to court, you're a murderer. You never have a midget kid.

Murderer. Er. Curtin. Curtin. It seems like you. Do I look, I know you've been. Would you say blanket? No.

Blanket. Kate Blanchette is what I'd say. What are you saying? Blanket. It's Blanchette. It's Kate Blanchette. I sleep with a weighted blanket. Oh.

And I sleep because I read that a weighted blanket helps with wet dreams. An electric blanket helps with wet, warm, dream. Well, then you're going to get electrocuted. But a weighted blanket puts weight on top of your body and your penal area. Wow. So that when you get your erection during your sleep, it's pressing against

something. Okay. And it ensures a wet dream increases odds. I think wet dreams are just for teenagers, guy. No. They're for anyone who doesn't masturbate. And I've told you I don't. I save my God, here we go again. You love going down that road. No, we're going there medical.

I know, but it's also just, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I don't think two full-grown men should be talking about what you're just bringing up. Wet dreams, I'm talking about it medically. I know, but we're both men. Are we? Like, you don't see construction workers sitting on an eye beam talking about weighted blankets? It's the M word. Maybe you would if you said, hey, man, can I talk about something honestly?

I'm not walking into a construction site and asking about some guys. Can I be vulnerable? You bring that up on a construction site. Can we talk about your feelings? Do we have to talk about your erectile problems? Can we talk about your emotions and can you be vulnerable with that? How are you feeling, guy? Are you hurt?

Are you something missing? Well, I think something is missing. And it could be the intimacy. The fact that I'm looking for wet dreams. Yeah. Have you bought a dream catcher? Have you got one of those? Oh, poor, poor angel.

God. Can I ask on a scale? Wait. Frozen sperm and frozen shoulder. Whoa, you might as well be a snowman. It's all connected. Yeah. Wait.

What? Maybe she's freezing my sperm through my shoulder. That's physically impossible. Is it? I think she is. You don't know my wife. Neither to you. That's a good point.

So, yeah. That's soothing to me. Is it? Yeah. Do I look rested to you, can I ask? Can we make it about me for a second? and stop talking about you and your erections and your frozen meat and your freezer.

I'd love to. Can we talk for a second about your old pal, your old friend? You called me. I know, but just the minute you sat down, it's all about... Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question? Me, yes. Hey, everybody, my brand new book, Uncle Milton, is here at last. It's a collection of strange but wonderful short stories,

and you can read that along with some of my other books. I bet you didn't know that I wrote books, did you? It's a little secret I've had. We have craved with zombie stories and we have journeys, people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life, sex in and Satan where we explore some darker themes, and don't look under the bed, some Twilight Zone S stories for bedtime reading at Harlanwilms.com.

Are you not looking for wed dreams, is the question? No, what I'm trying to tell you, is if I look rested this winter I tried something different I hibernated for the whole winter for the whole winter

I found it I dug a hole in the ravine over here and I had some gatorade and some Swiss rolls wow and I just slept for about four months slowed my heartbeat down

to like two serious question yeah when did you wake up just about three weeks ago early spring so did you miss anything i don't know that's the beauty of it yeah woke up with cigarette butts in my hair snickers wrappers did you pick the ravine yeah i went to the place i dug the hole did you eat a lot before you hibernated i went to olive garden it was crab fest so you ate a lot

and then you took a nap took a nap for three months just huddled down curled up you dream i think I think I did dream, but it was so long. A blanket. It was sort of like a mini-series. Was there a weighted blanket on you? I don't mean to get back to- Oh, I see, yeah. There was a weighted blanket on me, yeah.

So do you think possibly you had a wet dream for four months? Oh, God, okay, maybe. I woke up damp. What do you dream about? I dream. Sometimes I do that dream where you feel like you're flying. Yeah. Have you ever had that where you start to walk?

I do. And then you sort of lift off and then you come back down. And then everyone's around you and you're kind of like, look at me. I can float up and then I, it's weird. You have that one too? I have that dream. Why do we have that one? I think a lot of people have that same dream, which scares me.

I'll tell you what scares me also. Oh, here we go. What? Sometimes. Okay, so not all the time. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. No. Sometimes. I have to get up too early in life to take a child to school to this bus stop.

Oh, so not the school just to the bus stop. But we miss the bus stop. Oh. I have read... Again with the red. Is it read? I have read

something. You have red, which is weird because red is a color. I have read that wet dreams... Oh, here we go. This is medical. Okay. You seem to think it's dirty.

Well, it is a little. little greasy? Would it be better if I said nocturnal emissions? Nocturnal dampness maybe. Okay. Nocturnal dampness

Okay. Happens. Will you sleep? Happens at the last portion of sleep. Okay. And what is that? The REMs, the rapid, when is the, there's a type of sleep.

The last, Deepest sleep. What is it? The Smiths? Not R. That's the smithereens. The deepest smith. What type of sleep is there?

EDM? What's the last in the late night? REMs? Yeah. Rapid eye movement? Yeah. Rems. REM sleep is wet.

What do you mean? How do you know? Doctors. Have you thought about sleeping in a shamwau? I've thought about it. But I mean, that would keep you dry. But here's the problem. Okay.

I'm waking up before the omission. I'm in the middle of a great, I'm in the middle of a great dream. So that's like, that's like you, that would be like making love to your teenage girlfriend and your parents walked in the room before you achieved. Yeah. Oh, that's a downer. I'm getting cock blocked by this bus. Oh, the morning school bus, because you have to be up.

I'm waking up in the middle of what would be a wet dream. Have you thought about getting rid of your kid? Yes. Wow. I think about that. Every morning I wake up, bonarized. Why don't you go to bed a half hour earlier and then you can finish? Wife won't let me.

Oh, God. I have to give her an hour of TV. via night. Oh. But she's doing that on purpose, so I can't have wet dreams. Well, you have a wife. Why do you have to have sex in your dreams

when you got someone laying right beside you? That's the problem. Frozen shoulder. I can't go right. Oh, you got the, you got no leverage. I can't extend it. I can go this way. Well, your arm's frozen, not your weaner.

I can't get in a position where the weiner would find heat. Oh, damn, dude. Like, I'm like this. I'd love to go there and grab something feminine. Yeah. A tit, an ash cheek. Yeah.

I can't. Dude. This is as far as I go. So I'm reaching. I just go to bed. And you hope the dream does it all. Can you describe said dream like your last dream? Can you walk us through this erotic landscape

where you're ravished in, in pleasures and like can you kind of give us the last i can tell you my last wet dream okay i was i was in oklahoma oh boy the mayo hotel the mayo hotel i was filming a tv show called reservation dogs i played kenny boy was a show on the air for three years emmy nominated award-winning, Sterland Harjo show run. I don't know if you have to include the credits or the dream. It's a dream. I don't talk about them enough.

But it's a dream. This is where I was. I want to give the backdrop. Okay. And I was not a, I'm not a masturbator. Oh, that word again. I save my chi. Okay.

For special occasions. Okay. For your dreams. Or a mosh pit, a crowded elevator. I'm an edger. I'm always close. Close. Eye contact.

Ever doing it at a funeral? Yes. Okay, I'm just asking. Lighten up, dude drop. Morning wood, just spelled differently. Okay, so tell us about this erotic journey through your netherworlds. This wet dream happened. Okay.

Because I was walking past a pool. In your dream. Yes. Okay, so it's already wet. There's a pool. And I saw a couple making love. Oh. And I watched.

And for some reason, that created the wet dream. Were they by- I wasn't even involved other than watching. It's more like a purve dream. Yes. I'm not proud of it. Neither am I. So I know that that weighs heavy.

It was a fat girl? No, I was a woman in a black bikini. Wow. I believe it was an adult film star that somehow was in my subconscious. Were they by the pool or were they making bucoitus in the water? On the edge, they were on a step.

So they were partially in the water? Yeah, but not enough was visible. They weren't submerged. It's a semi-aquatic wet dream is what you're describing so far. Yeah, wet on wet. Wow. So I walked past and I...

I looked at her and I said, and I knew who it was. It was a porn star? From a long time ago. Seventies? Her name was Roberta Gemma. Also a Dutch tennis player. Roberta Gemma. People will look her up.

I'm sure her stock will rise. Okay. So she's there. Who was she with? I did not know the man. I just recognized her. Huh. And I'm thinking now that I,

I talk, now that I mentioned it, I think she may have looked at me and smiled while she was being penetrated by another man. From behind. Wow. And for some reason, that may have been all I needed. And I knew I was having a wet dream. And I'm an old man. How old? I don't like to talk about the age, but this was maybe two years ago, second season. So 73. second season so however old i am now 55 i like to go with so i was in my early 50s and i had a wet dream and that's because i don't masturbate i had build up but i was also allowed to sleep in oh god dude have you ever had a dry dream well every moment is a dry dream if you live in consciousness Oh, dude, that was deep.

Well, right now I'm close. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we take a moment? Everything. I'm always pretty close. There's always a little shine on my pee, a little drip. There's always closeness because I don't masturbate. I live in a semi-erecti state.

Oh, where's that Pennsylvania? Clearly Oklahoma, Tulsa. Oh, God. But yeah, that was my last wet dream, because I was allowed to sleep in. It wasn't that really, it was a little bit underwhelming. You all right? You could always sip with the other arm. I'm trying to, they say keep it moving.

Oh, maybe also, let's keep it less dramatic. Now, did you say it was underwhelming because I wasn't involved? It was just done, I'm expecting this erotic dream scape, and I get, you know, I get Sika standing by a pool with some ambiguous guy. with her ankles in the water, and she gives you a look? She was on all fours. I thought you said she was standing in the water. No, she was getting it from behind.

Maybe she was, I think she was on all fours. Boy, if that's all it takes to get you gone, I know. Holy smokes. Have you seen a 1973 playboy lately? No, but I used to have a stack that was so tall I could have climbed it and jumped off it and ended my life. Wouldn't that be funny if your name was Robert? There was a stack.

Robert, why? Robert Stack. Nice, I love that. Roberta Gemma. Wow. Wait a minute, you had a pile of playboys? I did. What happened to it?

Oh, it's still around. It's probably worth a lot. I was going to, I read something about doggy style. Oh, okay. And I know you love animals. I love animals. Holy smokes. Okay.

I did doggy style about two weeks ago over at the doggy style. You did? Yeah, you're allowed to do it because it's a dog park. Wonderful. There was seven other couples doing it. Well, when I see dogs making love, I don't look away. Neither do I. I encourage the man dog.

I make eye contact and I stare him down. And I let him know he's doing okay. But I also let him know that he should maybe slow down a little. Yeah. let her feel something because they go pretty aggressive. Yeah. But then it dawned on me, Harlan, that in dog years, time is flying. Yeah.

So a year for a dog, seven years. For us? Yes. Yeah, for them. So this little five minutes for this dog, that's a long time. That's about a six-month fuck. Well, so he's trying to get as much in as he can. Oh, I guess.

So he's hurrying. Wow. So that's just the seven-year itch for a dog daily. Wow. So he's trying to get as much in as possible. I love, you said it. I love watching dogs make love. And I went to Toys R Us and bought,

have you ever seen these little stuff toys like Curious George's? Oh, I'm so curious about George. Yeah. Well, nowadays he's bi-curious, by the way. Is he? Yeah. That seems fair. Yeah.

But I bought a little. That's where the money is. Yeah, that's where everything is. Wow. I bought a little curious George monkey and I strap it to my leg when I go out and dogs will come up and hump it. And I just, I get to watch. Sometimes I get the phone out and just watch them go. Does the monkey grab quarters?

Because in Thailand, the monkeys. This is a stuffed one. This is a plush toy. Okay. It just attracts. It's a hairy little brown shape and the dogs love to hump my leg. And I like the feeling too. Yeah.

It's kind of like one of the. those vibro massage things you know what that feeling is why sleeping with a weighted blanket oh dude don't say i'm going back to that well you clearly are harlan you're telling me oh a weighted blanket i hate and then you're like but you know what i love yeah an animal hump in my leg which is a weighted blanket i see okay go ahead sir no have you ever been humped on the leg by a dog you look like you have Of course. I look for it. Well, so do I. But here's what I did.

I bait them. Oh, here's what I did learn, my friend. Okay. Because I'm a reader. How are we doing on time? We're doing great. I'm just waiting for the podcast to start. Can I start the theme music and start the podcast?

If you want to get that in there. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Holland Highway podcast. Our very special guest today, even though he's injured. I don't hear anything. He's that put them on. Wow. He's injured. He's not feeling good.

Can you hear it now? Yeah. Kirk Fox, comedian. No, tennis pro. Tennis pro. Kirk Fox is here. Edger, just an edger. Temporated out of commission due to a sports injury.

Frozen shoulder. Frozen shoulder. Green eyes. I can't take the hat off. Oh. So is this what it always sounds like when you have on headphones? Yeah. A little loud.

I know you've been talking really loud, but I love it. It's passion. Because a lot of times you're too far away from the mic and you're not loud, but now today you're really loud. It's great. But here's something I wanted to tell you. Take a breath, guy. Take some breasts.

The very first cave drying. It's going to be hard to prove, but go ahead. No, I was an archaeology major and anthropology. And it's hard to make a living doing anything with the world. word apology in the title. That's true. I'll tell you that. You're right. But Harlan, yeah. The very first cave drawing. Number one. Forty-five thousand years ago, Indonesia, two dogs locked in doggy style, the very first cave drawing. That's how important doggy style is that someone saw that. Well, hold the roll the roll. Someone's, let me finish.

finish this thought. Okay, corn nibblit teeth. Someone saw that. Okay. And said, make a note of that. Very first cave drawing, doggy style. Huh. Five people on earth and they were like, I don't want to look at her. Now, I just, I want to challenge it a little bit because it was probably wolves that were on the cave drawing. If we're going to be active because domestic dogs didn't exist until about 35,000 years ago. Okay. Um, so wolf style. Wolf style. Yeah. That's fine. All I'm saying is that penal, Vajouk. Okay. Or a knock. Yeah. For man to man. You're almost speaking like an Eskimo to me right now. Penal, Banach, Vajouk. I feel like we're ready to go hunting for caribou.

That's fine. Penel Gnachvludgluke. All I'm saying is, you say it was a wolf. I'm pretty sure. Okay. Which are the original dogs, in all fairness, canines. It was lupus. Doggy style, but wolf.

Wolf's doing doggy style. Well, you can't do doggy style if you're a wolf. If you start, if you, if you, if you, are the reason there's dogs. And they're doing it their way. Their style. I would say wolfy style. Let's say wolfy style. But they didn't even probably.

They just thought of it as our way. Yeah. Our way, my friend. Yeah. They do it the way they've been genetically engineered. Our way. Like a C cucumber has to copulate at some point. So five people on Earth.

So cucumber style. Yeah. If you're C cucumbers. I love salad. Okay. Well, not anymore. And then you put it over the eyes. You block the eyes with cucumbers.

It all connects. So five people on Earth and they still did not. want to see eye contact. Maybe it was the first porno movie. If it was the first drawing and they didn't have film yet. I'll tell you this. Maybe it was erotic like, you know, it was sex.

Let me tell you, you're on to something and I've researched this because people were naked in 45,000 years ago. It started off without clothing. Everyone's

naked, and they're still drawing pictures of sex. Yeah, humans love sex. Yeah, so you can look at someone next to you, naked. Yeah. They'd still rather look at the nudity on the wall. And they're given Playboy Penthouse and porno movies a hard time, and the very first drawing ever created by humanity was sex. That's what I'm telling you.

Let it go, people. They're giving Pornhub an issue, and the very first drawing was sex. Yeah. Relax. It's like, look at me, the woman would say. I'm right here, and he's, you know, jacking off to a drawing. Oh, there he goes again. Or edging?

Ugh. Or pressing? Let's go with pressing. Okay. It's more gentle. There's a naked woman in the cave. I'm here, honey. Yeah.

He comes home from hunting. He'd rather press against a drawing of maybe someone with bigger boobs. Ooh. Did you know that when canines copulate or have coitus? Coitus? What does that mean? It's just a courtesy way of saying... Pressing?

No, like intercourse. Ugh. Yeah. Intercourse sounds complicated. But coitus sounds sweet and easy. Coitus sounds dangerous also. Yeah. Coitus sounds like it could kill us.

Yeah. Beware of the coy Yeah Us Like a coil man Yeah But anyways Is there a different word

Because that's freaking me out Yeah I'm sorry How about just good old fuck That's dirty Yeah Fornication under consent of king Okay That's what fuck stands for

Oh They used to have fuck houses Okay In the medieval times Wow I wonder if they had a Ronald McDonald's fuckhouse. Yeah. For the kids that were sick.

Or people that want to make a wish. Yeah. I wish I was at the other house. I wish I was fucking. Yeah. Instead of eating McNuggets. Probably the same thing when you're fucking. But did you...

Go ahead. finish. When, when canines copulate... Canines. They... What about the other rate? When they're done, the male phallis... The phallis? Get stuck in the female for a...

couple of minutes and they're locked together. Is that what we're seeing when dogs? They're literally locked together and it's a it's a biological mechanism to ensure that the semen is fully injected into the female and so they are locked and very vulnerable and the male cannot pull out until a couple of minutes after. Brother, you know what I thought that was. What? passion. I thought the dog, I thought the man dog loved her so much that he wanted to just, so he keeps it in there

until it goes flaccid. He has no choice, yeah. So this is where I get into some problems. Oh boy. Talk to me. Never flaccid. I'm always in the middle. Really? You mean never hard. There's hardness,

but never lipness. I'm an edger brother you're in the middle guys they don't know this but edging is a good place to live do you love edge every time we get here you talk about edging what else do i have that's true i have i have no merch i have nothing to sell yeah you got your good looks do i you said i had a red eye it's gone now i'm not sure how the other side how the hair is falling that's kind of could use a little work I'd put the hat back on. Oh, shit.

Oh, God, you can't. So, oh, man. Well, buddy, let's get to the wooden shoe. Wait, how long have we been here? Well, I started it three hours ago, but you've only been here for an hour. Okay, let's wrap it up. Well, we have no choice. We're already at an hour, but we're going to do the famous words from...

I feel there's so much we didn't get to. Well, do you have something else? No, I think we covered dogs and... I mean, did you want to talk about... Oh, I was going to say that there's a lot of guys with kids that wish, you know, they had finished in their pants and not in a woman. See, we're right back to the ejaculate.

This whole thing has been... You love it. Did you not bring it up? Can you not talk about donuts or trees or fairies? Like, why does it always come back to that? Like, what's going on, guy? It's the shoulder. Okay.

It's called words from a word. You know how it works. You reach in there. Now, here's a problem. What if I pull one out that says ejaculate? Yeah, well, then I guess we gotta go that way. Okay. Here we go. I'll help.

Just take out a word. Lower it. Sorry. Push. Reach in there, cripple. What do you got? Here we go. What's it say?

Saw your parents do something bad. Oh, wow. That's a biggie. You ever see your folks do something that you probably shun of? Wow. I would say I saw the remnants. I would say... Whoa.

I'd never seen them show a lot of affection. Okay. But my mom used to sleep in what was called a Lath house. Lathouse. L-A-T-H. It's kind of like where they keep plants. It's famous in England. Like a greenhouse?

Kind of, but it's called Lathouse. Lathouse. I've never heard that. Well, I used for a long time, I thought it was, called Laugh House. Laugh. L-A-F-F. Well, or L-A-U-G-H, Laugh House. Your story.

And that's where my mom slept. Why? I think that's what kept the marriage alive. What does a laugh house even look like? And where is it? I would say it was possibly a garage at one point. Okay. Made into an apartment, but it's where there were plants, and I'm a product of, I would say, darkness.

You're a laugh house, baby? Well, maybe that's where it was where I was created. We can talk about it next time. Okay. But I remember I would go down to the laugh house, and there was a TV down there in a kitchen, and maybe my mom was a hostage now that I think about. oh yeah maybe she was kept there yeah but she liked to go there and read and have quiet time did she have a choice she well now that i'm talking about it out loud i i don't maybe she didn't yeah have a choice but oh i went down there okay because our house was probably 200 feet away

oh wow the big laugh house so it's a long walk to the laugh house yeah And I went down there, and there was a little kind of an outhouse next to the Lath House. How many houses were there? There was a covered three lots. That's a lots of houses. That's a lots of land. And when I opened the door, my dad was coming out. Oh, he's gay?

He may have been. These are a trick questions. You said he was coming out. I know. He came out of the Lath House. Oh, God. was laughing. And he looked a little frazzled. Ooh.

And my mom was there and I don't remember her look. Were they stuck together? No, but there was a scent. What was it? Love. Oh, you think they were copulating? Had possibly. Oh, wow. So you didn't see it.

No, I told you, I didn't exactly see it, but I told you I saw the remnants. It's almost like you wet dreamed it. I believe I was there, but now that you bring it up, I would hope if I saw that, I'd wake up to catch the bus. There's no such thing as a lot. I didn't know. I could look at you through this. Yeah, like a peeping Tom. Like a Leveloor.

Like a what? Like a Levalor blind. Can I tell you one thing about peeping Tom and then I'll go? Please. Yeah. Because you brought that up. You can stay if you want. I'll go, but you just stay.

No, I got to go. But I'm going to tell you, I've kind of come off maybe a little creepy. You always say I do. No, no. It's creepy with a twinkle, is what I say. Kid-friendly creepy. I would say yes. Also, the title of my next hour special, which I'm getting ready to shoot,

is called See You in Prison. Oh, wow. So that's a good title. Maybe it should be see you on the floor because you tripped. Maybe, but let me tell you something that happened the other day. Okay. The other day, I learned that the difference between Neighborhood Watch and Peeping Tom. Yeah.

Four minutes. Let me tell you how I learned this. brought it up with the peeping time. Yeah, right. I did. I heard some glass breaking in the neighborhood. Okay. And as a neighborhood watched commander in training, I thought I would investigate. I started looking, started looking in windows in the neighborhood. You got to. After about two hours, I climbed on a roof of a neighbor. Okay. And I looked down through a skylight. And I saw a beautiful couple making love on a kitchen table. I guess they'd knock some glass off. Okay. That was the noise. Yeah. I assessed the situation. It appeared consensual. I probably should have left. How long did you stay?

At about three minutes in, I realized I was watching two beautiful people make love for free. I usually have to go to Amsterdam, Bakersfield, Riverside. Or a cave. Or a cave for that sort of behavior. Yeah. About four minutes in, Harlan, I started getting an erection. Finally. And as I'm an American, I'm healthy, Brussels sprouts. Oh, God, don't tell me it got stuck in the chimney? No.

Okay. But I'm also under the impression we only have a certain number of erections each in a lifetime. Well, you might. And I'm not about to ignore one. Don't forget we die stiff. Yes, that's true. But I'm not about to ignore one and then find out later it was my last.

Right, good point. Now, I'm not going to say I masturbated. Oh, again. I'm just not going to say it. Okay. But now that I say it out loud because you triggered it. Yeah.

And I was looking at you through here. Keeping at me. Yeah. I think the difference, the difference between neighborhood, watch and peeping tom isn't even a time issue what is it i just think it's masturbation in general that's what separates neighborhood watch from peeping tom excellent point ladies and gentlemen i'll see you in prison probably uh ladies and gentlemen uh we end on a

Solid note. Educational. Educational note. Peeping Tom, neighborhood watch. Let's do the wave, or let's not. You can't. Frozen. Maybe next time I'm here, I can go higher than this. Yeah, or you can become a crossing guard.

Folks, Kirk Fox is here. Tell them once more about your show with Tom Seguro where they can watch it. It's not my show. I'm just a part of it. Yeah, what is it? Where is it? all bad thoughts it's on Netflix it's one of the top shows in the world yeah uh it's streaming right now and uh man i have a an episode uh so bad thoughts and you're on tour you're doing stand up i'm out there a little yeah but i'm just just uh i'm just a man trying to make in the late

90s hey everybody check out my merchandise at harblang dot com yeah Most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud.

I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Oh, gosh, I know. My wife told me I should apply for a...

Your what? Whatever she is. My wife said that I should get a handicap placard because of this. And when I get on planes, I go first. You do? I just say I can't move because of this. I go with the soldiers and vets. Yeah.

Or the con artist. All right, let's get this over with. I got to go. Oh, yeah, folks. That's it for today. Thanks for tuning in to the Holland Highway Park. podcast with Kirk Fox. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, everybody.

Does this make you jealous? No, I can do that. No, you can't. Not that high. Yeah, see? Are you jealous? Oh, well, okay. Thank you.

Thank you, Kirk. Frozen solid. Bye. Hey, gang, are you craving more Harland Williams? We'll join our Patreon page at patreon. slash Harland Williams, well, you'll get bonus episodes of the Harland Highway podcast, our special call-in show, and you can check in with our two goofy dolls, the tender frienders, two guys in their underpants, for a small monthly fee, you get Extra Harland.

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