The Harland Highway - KIRK FOX has a secret pet in his house, in his hair, and on top of that he's a full blown hobo!

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

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Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your device.

devices, alerts you to real-time threats and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. Something's moving in there. Let it. Have you ever had a ferret? Not that I know of, but there might be. What about a gopher?

There's something in there, guy. Whatever's in there, let it live, man. I'm not going to shut that down. I think it might be mealworms. It's fine. They got to eat. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Harland Williams. Now, what I was saying from a technological standpoint is... But is it going? Is this what they'll hear? Yeah, they'll hear this because I pressed like several buttons so that we're up and running. So we're a go? We're a go, as they'd say at NASA, when the... The rock gets slipped on a year ago.

I said a year ago. Houston. Yeah. Because you had asked that and I. It's okay. Even if it takes a moment. Yeah. Even if.

For us, there's my glasses. Get settled. Get settled. I was cleaning my eyes. You're sort of like rain man. Everything's got to be in the right place. Yeah, my hat's over here. Yeah, I got to put my glass.

Yeah, I got to turn my phone off. I just want to address the surroundings. Excellent driver. Of course, I don't you watch Judge Wop. I can have my teeth. This to me is work. This to me is work. It is?

Well, you're not getting paid. I'll tell you that. I know. That's why it's. Hope you like working for free there, Shirley Temple. We've done this so many times. I just wondered why you wanted me to come back. I feel that.

I don't want you back. It's them. It's Don toenail teeth down in Denver. It's Carol, Christmas Carol Twatts here. It's Barney Broccoli Boy. More Kirk. Is that what they say? They want Kirk and they want the Fox.

You slam them together. You get Kirk Fox. Okay, I got. They want the full pack. And this doesn't have to be here. You made it like, it's important. Well, you rainmanned it. You were like, you put your hat out.

You like laid everything out. I just wanted to see what I, what I, what you have in life. I have a, I would say a hobo, a hobo mentality. Watch, Judge Wop. You know what a hobo mentality is? A hobo, got a hobo mentality. You're good at that. Watch that.

I've got to put my hat. They just, they have a. Oh, sorry. Oh, that's all right. I slipped into it. When you do it, I sort of slip into it. Don't never apologize for anything. We're just here.

I'm sorry, I apologize. I was just saying hobo-esque. Yeah. I know where everything is on me in case I just need to travel quickly. You can go into hobo mode like a hobo. I think I live in hobo mode. Oh. I have everything on me that I would need.

What about, if I just caught a train to, you know, the Dakotas. Chug a chug a chug-a-choo-choo guy. It's a fantasy of mine to just grab a satchel. Yeah, a stick with a little thing on the back. And just go. I travel light. I never check anything in when I travel. People make fun of that, but I travel.

Well, what about this? If you can go into hobo mode like that, can you do half of it like that? Like, can you go into hoe mode? No, I'm like, just be a hoe. all in. I just live a whole animal. I just live in both. What about a homo?

If I have to. You can do all three. If I need, if I need to eat, Harlan, if I need to eat and I'm on a train and I'm a hobo and someone says I have extra beans, but I need a little touch. Yeah. Will you touch my penal area? Like a hobblow?

I'll hoblow it. Okay. I'm just asking. That's my job as the host of an internationally watched. podcast that goes all over the world. So it's international? How do I look? Is this good? Sometimes you've complained. Well, I would say lower this like under your chin because the way you've got it up, it's blocking your gorgeous hobo face. Yeah, that's nice. Okay. That's great. I'm just trying to be, I'm trying to be here. And will that be my camera? That'll be your camera. And interesting enough,

that's the B camera. So that will be your camera, the B camera. And when you do your I thing, that's you work in your audience. What I think. Nothing. It's just... When I'm talking to you, you go there as if you're implying that I'm the... You know, I did something wrong or like, he's crazy. Of course, you did something wrong.

He's a hobo. He's a hobo. As long as you're happy. It's nice to see you laugh. I've watched some of these by accident sometimes. And you're always trying to break someone. But to see you happy is why I'm here. Oh.

What? Okay. But, yeah, to answer your question, I kind of live in the hobo mode. It's just where I came from. My dad was a hobo. Was he really? He came out in the 40s. He came out, so he was a gay hobo?

Yeah. A homo, homo, hobo. Once again, you're happy with your lane, you're in. But, yeah, he came out on a train. Okay. And then he bought a, then he bought a 1947. Indian chief along the way. Was he in the caboose when he came out on the train?

Nice. I just love seeing you happy. And he was. It was a cold train. Bobby's? Yeah. Was it Bobby's cold train? The music.

He was a musician. Wow. So he was on a Bobby Coltrain. Okay. On his way to California. And so I have the hobo mentality in me. Yeah, you got it in you. So basically just to sum up, in summary, everything on me.

Even though we're not in summer, go ahead. It's summer somewhere. You're right. Sorry in Australia. I have everything on me. I would need to just jump on a train right now. I have, you know. What's floss if I need it.

Toothpaste if I have a date. Do homeless people like hobos really need floss when you only have generally three teeth? Oh, that does. Of course. Like don't you, you want to keep your three? But don't you need like a floss goes between the little minute cracks for a hobo? you need like a thick like almost like a mariner's rope and just because you got such a gap but there's probably about four inches between each brown too i'll be honest with you i'll be honest with

you uh you're thinking that the hobos don't have teeth well i know they they said the hobos work the hobos work along the way that's what makes the hobo special they're not just chilling they go from town to town looking for work okay they'll work for food lot A lot of homeless just beg, but a hobo says, A work for food? Let me work. They go to a town, is there something I can do, and then they catch the next train? Well, I had a, you don't have to tell me, because I had an experience with a hobo.

He was standing there at Will Work for Food. Wonderful worker, got him home, shingled the whole roof, resurfaced my driveway, and I gave him a Snickers bar and a cupcake. So that's good business. Well, he wanted food. You gave him what he needed. It's his fault. Not a good businessman, but hey, thanks for the work.

Have a chocolate bar. The eye look that I do feels good. I see why you do it. Right? Yeah. It's kind of like you're letting them know we're all in on it. You're connecting with your crowd. Only connect.

Okay, so case and point, how many teeth did your father have? If he was a hobo. He had a full set, but some of them clearly toward the end, he took out. Yeah. No Novocaine. My dad pulled them out. He had them pulled, but with no novacane, my dad was a stoic, sometimes pronounced stoic. Stoic, it's a word.

Stoic, yeah. It means they don't really show feeling. They don't feel anything. Sort of like a wall. Yeah. Just, he was present. Yeah. Stoic.

Stoic. It's a tough guy. Yeah, kind of like. Born in 1913. Wow. Long time ago, had a long life. Was he a pioneer? He was a pirate.

A pirate. I thought of a pirate hobo, but he may have been a pioneer. 1913. Through the depression, that's when the hobos were doing their thing. Oh, that was hobo time. Yeah. It came from Muskegon, Michigan. Wow.

there was a show in Canada when I was growing up called the littlest hobo and the littlest hobo was a German shepherd and he's kind of like lassie. He'd wander around and find homeless children and people in trouble and help them. Did he have a stick with a little satchel? No, but if you threw a stick, he'd bring a stick back, but yeah. So that's a hobo dog? Yeah.

Nothing wrong with that. Did your hobo dad have a hobo dog? My dad had a little dog, an Australian jumper. named Bruce. So it was suicidal? Eventually. Eventually. Really?

He got hit by a... He jumped in front of a police car. Oh, the poor thing. But he did find my mother. I believe we've spoken of this. It's a recurring theme. But this dog, Bruce, found my mom, picked her out.

My dad was painting a house down in La Jolla. And the dog ran down the ladder and took off down the beach. And after about a... a mile started barking at a woman and my dad picked up Bruce the dog yeah and looked up at the woman and said one day you'll be my wife what the hell so that dog picked out my mom and in essence created you if it wasn't for that dog you wouldn't be sitting here right now I'm a product looking sassy product of Bruce I look good you sassy what does that mean to you sassy sassy means like you ever cut a grapefruit in half and like grab a woman or an

old lady by the back of the head and just squirt it and all the thing goes in their eyes. I don't really do a lot of, I don't do a lot of cutting. If I wanted grapefruit, someone would cut it for me. Okay. But my dad came out to California on a 1947 Indian chief once he got off the train. He came out with an Indian? And Bruce was on the gas tank. Yeah, my dad came out with an Indian.

Wow, I thought he came out on a train. A native caboose. How many times did he come out? Well, you come out as many times as you need. to eat you know the hobos do what they got to do to eat what color was the house your dad was painting like what color beige we talked about it i've seen it wow a beige house like skin color it was straight up beige wow the house was it a dermatologist's home or something possibly it was in lehoia i like a nice flesh color so it may have been a dermatologist but i'll tell you this

since we're just talking to friends he did a lot of handyman work In La Jolla. On the train, I bet. He did some work for a psychiatrist who ended up having a lot of sex with their patients. But my dad got the chair. I bet he painted that house white. No, he was doing interior work, but he got the chair. What do you mean?

The electric chair? No, just the chair the guy would have his patience in. Oh, oh, I thought they laid on a couch. I have it now. It's an AIMS chair. Oh, wow. Very nice chair. So, you know, that was just a little sidebar that we were talking about my dad painting.

I think John Hinkley Jr. had one of those chairs, but it was missing a leg because his aim was off. He never did get Reagan. But tell me about... Did he get somebody? No, he got him in the chest, but he didn't get the kill shot. His aim was off. He's in jail. Is he okay?

For life. Yeah. Who's life? His. He tried to get parole ever since, but no, they won't let him out. It's fun to try. It's a guy who tried to kill Reagan. Mr. Gorbachev tear down this wall.

And they did, right? They did. I was there. In Berlin? Berlin. I was there. I actually took a sledgehammer to the Berlin wall. Can you believe it?

So that was you? You were working at the time? I was over in Germany when that historical event happened, and I took a sledgehammer to the Berlin wall. Did you bring a sledgehammer? No, people had them because everyone was celebrating. So you could just take it. Oh, so it was a good day.

It was a good day. Like all the West, everyone's like taking cracks at the wall. I spray painted the Canadian flag. I was confused about if it was a good thing or a bad thing to take the wall down. Oh, really? Why? Do tell, do tell. Because I'm not really familiar with walls and what they represent.

But if there was a wall built, it was probably for a reason. Well, the east side of Germany was to suppress people because it was deeply communist. And that's bad. And they didn't want the east mingling with the wall. where they were free. So why'd they take the wall down? Because eventually the communist regime crumbled. And whenever you try to suppress the human spirit, it's a fool's errand.

Because eventually the human spirit rises above all and everything. And the human... So they took the wall down for good, for good? For good to set the humans free. Yeah, that's dangerous. That's dangerous to me. me what the Berlin wall just freedom freedom dude I was a history major you were so I know how happy some of them were when the wall really when the wall was up there was a lot happier they seemed to be

yeah well I mean were you happy taking the wall down you working with a sledgehammer like you went on vacation right summer break I'll be honest I was mixed because I were mixed No, I was mixed. I was mixed. But then I got straightened out at a car wash on La Brea. I feel handsome today. Yeah, you look hot. That's why I said you look sassy.

Like your hair's like, almost like girls gone wild, but with a guy. Yeah. Like guy gone wild. No, I feel good about it. Yeah. Sometimes the hair just starts lining up correctly. It's laying down like a shag carpet on a dirty hippies fucking diaper. I washed it.

Yesterday somewhere. What do you use? You look like a pert plus guy. I use whatever's in the shower. What was there? I don't know. I don't really read it. I just, I go for it.

Do you do the solo shampoo on the solo conditioner, or do you do the two and one? I grab whatever's there. Sometimes maybe I'm putting just body soap on my hair. Whoa. I don't think you should have to do different bottles. Yeah. I do Summer's Eve in my hair. Have you ever heard of this?

I know summer. That's a vaginal cream. It's like a douche, yeah. I douche my hair. And it works, right? Dude, the hold I get, the glean, the shine, and the body and the bounce. Like, watch, watch this. That sounds religious.

Watch this, dude. Yeah. Hold on. I'm not finished. No, I know. So it's not really moved. Sorry. Look at this douche head.

And I might even play some of that in slow motion. Oh, I would draw it out even longer. Yeah. It's like a plane crash. It's like you got turbulence. Look at this douche action, bro. I'm getting a little dizzy. Sorry, sorry.

No, I just want to... Now I'll just show you mine. Okay. I just push it back and breathe it in. Yeah. And let the natural oils of life. Wow. I have the hair of a young man.

Do you ever get termites? You look like you might. Maybe, but that's them doing their thing. Something's moving in there. Let it. Have you ever had a ferret? Not that I know of, but there might be. What about a gopher?

There's something in there, guy. Whatever's in there, let it live, man. I'm not going to shut it. that down. I think it might be mealworms. It's fine. They got to eat. Wow. I can just see it. It's almost like, you ever see that movie tremors or those worms or underground? I can see something moving under your scalp. I'm familiar with it. That was Kevin's bacon. Yeah. There's something moving under your scalp. I'll take it. I'm not going to shut it down. No, you shouldn't. Whatever it is, it's working. It is working. It's giving you wave. You've got tremor head. Green eyes, long eyelashes.

Yeah, you got like. What I was doing. When I sat down, I was cleaning my lids. Oh, okay. I'm susceptible to Chalasians, pink eye. Oh, really? Just because I have long eyelashes. Like a camel. They collect oil.

Yeah. And grease. And actually the camel, no, sorry. I was wrong. The giraffes have the longest eyelashes in the animal kingdom and the most eye infection. Yeah. And the most eye infections, the giraffe. And what sucks is the doctors can't get to them to fix it.

Exactly. I mean, unless you have one of those jerry rigs that, you know, the cranes that go up the power poles. So these fucking drafts have to live with eye infection. It taps into one of my biggest fears. I'm kind of over it now because fear is silly. But for most of my life, I slept wearing a blindfold. oh wow just a boy every night i'd put a blindfold on in case hard to sleep in a turkish jail in case i was kidnapped

in my sleep oh you'd already be ready i felt it would cut down on the beatings yeah and because i'm susceptible to eye infections chalasians my biggest fear was wearing a dirty blindfold right good move and picking up someone's eye infection. Yeah. You know, you get pink eye, right? Of course. I've seen it. And I didn't want to be on CNN after my escape with pink eye. And then they'd be like, oh, it looks like you were beaten. I was like, no. I wear up, when I go to sleep, because I'm all about preparedness like you. Yeah. I go to sleep. Some people take NyQuil. I put silver duct tape,

gorilla tape around my mouth and a potato sack and then tie it off. That's fine. Like a burlap potato sack. I have found that I don't need to do all of that. That just the blindfold allows good sleep. Yeah. But I don't, you get kidnapped and then you wear a dirty blindfold,

maybe one that's wet. Yeah. Like the guy before you was crying. Ooh. And now you're going to pick up, you know, his eye infections. But my eyes are better now because I wash them more often. They call that on this, I'm not trying to bring attention back to my hair, but they call that douching your eyes.

This is my sponsor. Oh, AccuSoci. Occupi. Acu soft. Oh, wow. And they also have an acu hard, which is a sexual. Yeah, for octopuses, yeah. Sexual stimulant.

So this is Acu Soft. it makes your eyes clear and your penis flaccid oh wow so it softens it yeah oh so it's like a reverse from ed it's like yeah d e d e yeah dick end oh wow it ends any chance of penetration oh wow that's great but it cleans my eyes and that's why my eyes right now probably a bright green and the lashes real real clean well they say if you take the ed medicine like viagra it could last eight hours and get too hard. Yeah. What if you took the reverse one and your wiener turned into pudding?

Let it. Like it got so soft. Let it, man. You went down there. It was like a jellyfish. Sometimes I tell people, you know, good luck, you know. Wake it, wake it up. Do what you have to.

Wakey, waky eggs and bakey. It might take a while. But you got to be careful with stimulants around. Yeah. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harblang.com. Most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what?

I draw my own designs at harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at harbling.com.

Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. I did something the other day. Do you have a minute? Do you have a minute? Let me check. It's just, it's quick. Hold on.

It's kind of a warning. A minute. You got to, you got. Yeah, I can, I can, let me just put, put you in my calendar here. Nice. Hang on. Don't start yet. No, I'm not.

It's quick. It won't even be a minute. No, but I want to make sure I'm organized. I mean, you came in and started putting your hat. around and everything. Make sure you have time. Hold on. Okay.

Can you do the minute in 15 seconds, like from now? Yeah. I'll start it if I can remember the thought. Ready and 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Okay. Sometimes I use astringent on my face. It's a wipe that just gets grease out. My skin is unbelievable.

So you don't like musicals? No, just a Stringberg, August Strimburg, correct? Estringent? Oh, okay. I thought I said you didn't like Greece. Okay, I like it. That's why my face is like this. But the other day, I took the astringent pad.

Okay. And after I did my face, I was naked, and I just thought I had astringent my penal shape and the balls. Okay. But I didn't think anything of it. And I went a little dame. deep near the botoxal hole. Oh, God.

Yikes. And I was just cleaning, and I looked at it, and there was no grease. It was a clean, you know, I do not like, what are they called, ingrown hairs. I don't like those. I don't have them. They're hard to shame, but I shave. But I shave. I do.

Exactly. But the astringent, I didn't wash off. Oh, boy. So I would say a few hours later. I was like, I think I have a hemorrhoid. Yeah. I couldn't, I didn't piece it together that I had, you know, astringent alcohol in my buttoxial.

A noose. And then at the end of the day, when I got home, I was like, I think I might have a hemorrhoid. And I took a shower and I checked in the area. And there was nothing. It was perfect. But then I laughed and I said, it's the astringent from,

earlier in the day. Oh, God. So as soon as I took a shower, everything felt great. Yeah, washed away the astringent. Yes. Well, I know you're not a doctor. Didn't I have a water? Oh, yeah.

Grab me an Izzy and a water right there in the fridge. There's a water on top. And then the Izzy's are on the bottom. Grab me in Izzy. That one, yeah. What is an Izzy? It's like sparkling. I'll have one too.

Oh, they're great. It's like sparkling. Don't forget to close your legs. I mean, the door. I love the fact that you're making money off me. Yeah. But that's okay, man. I just...

Look at that. I'm just happy to be here. So now, why did that happen with yours? I think it's going to happen with yours. Let's just see it. Mine fizzed up. Okay. It's a fizzy.

It's a fizzy. That's a little leak, a little shine on the pee. We've talked about that I'm an edger and I don't masturbate. So I always have a little drip like this, a little shine on the pee. Yeah. And there's no refractory period, which you do know. Yeah. I know you're not a doctor, but for the folks watching at home, because they don't know,

can you just tell them how pink eye happens, how it medically, scientifically occurs? Oh, well, pink eye, you know, I did go to med school for a week. A poor gets clogged. With oil and grease, a pore gets clogged. And that's what causes the pink eye. I thought it happened. The pores need to breathe. Now, what I would have, and I have had, but not in years, is a Chalasian.

Wow. And that's a- Also a sex act in West Hollywood. Yes, but that's a pink eye that goes internal. The white head implodes. And you have to have them cut out. And once it starts, it becomes part of your life. I don't wear makeup. Harlan, Harlan, right?

Bullshit. When I do movies and television. You're not wearing foundation right now? No. I am the foundation. But I don't wear it. I tell them. What? I don't wear makeup because of because.

What, Karlin. I thought you had Kat Von Dees' Midnight Sun splash on right now. This is God. This is nature. Wow. But some people get upset that I don't wear makeup or I won't even do powder because part of me does not want the pores clogged. Yeah, you got great pores. Did you grow up pores or did you?

Oh, I did and I like it. I've made a point to never really accumulate wealth. Good. I have nothing in my name. Smart. It's the hobo. It's the hobo in you. Yeah.

My dad had nothing in his name If he made money, I saw him He would hand it to my mom And that's kind of what I do If I make any I just kind of give it to my wife No, my mom's gone But whatever the woman is

It claims to be my wife Give her the money She takes care of the kid Yeah But I could walk away at any moment With just what I have on Yeah And there'll be no trail

Because nothing is in my name Yeah You're just over walking live in hobo. Just a man. Excuse you. Now, when that air comes up and you look at them, they know it's part of you. Like, yes, I don't know what are burps.

Who even knows? It's just, I'm not a scientist. Dark air. Sadness. Sadness. How does it happen, though? Like, I know how a combustion engine works, like gasoline and oil and combustion, but how does a, how does a burp physically manifest?

The exact same way. Is it the same? Holy shitty, you have a stomach. Yeah. You have a lot of things going on in there. You're putting different things in there. Same as an engine. Yeah.

There's some oil. There's some water. There's some electricity. Yeah. And sometimes they come together and you get a backfire. Bad plug. Same with the tum tum. I'm a vegetarian now.

That's fine. I don't speak whatever language that is. What is, that's Italian? It's a, well, it's, sometimes it's Italian. So you don't eat. What is? that you only eat vegetables only eat vegetables but i love meat yeah and i had to think of a workaround and so i found a way to eat meat but be a vegetarian uh i'm on a cucumber diet and have you ever had

cucumber i know the shape right vegetable vegetable green but now what's in that seeds okay cumber There's some cumbars. So this is, there's a lot within the skin. Yeah. And it's called. It's a cucumber. But I love me. Do people know about this?

Well, I'm about to tell you what I do to get around the vegetable. With a sea or a C? I eat sea cucumbers. Okay. They're made of meat. Oh. So I'm getting my meat, but I'm still a vegetarian. I'm eating a cucumber.

From the sea. From the sea. It's a sea cucumber. But they're meat. They're fleshy. How big are these? They get about yay long. And you eat the whole thing.

I'll eat half of it and save half for a football game. I'll sit and watch the Raiders. I'll sit and watch the L.A. around. I'm popping. Do I have dry skin around my nose or? No, I think if you just keep picking it, you'll be okay. No, I felt dryness within it. Okay.

That's called snot. Is that snot? Now, where does snot come from? We figured out where burps come from. Burbs come low, snot high. Oh, burp low, snot high. Also a sex act in West High. Hollywood. That's fine. I think just about anything in West Hollywood could fall into that

category. Is that right? What about a chitty, chitty bang, bang? Of course. That's a group sex on a car from the 40s. Yeah, I know that one. I hear, and I, you know, we, we live in Hollywood. There's a lot of talk. There's a lot of talk. I'm in Laurel Canyon. Yeah, you're in Laurel Canyon, but it's still like near Hollywood. Word on the street is you have a new pet. A very, very, different type of pet, peculiar. Well, this is something I mentioned to you. I know, but I want to hear about it. I haven't heard the story yet about your new pet.

It's a cricket. What? It's a pet cricket. Australian? Possibly. I don't know the sport yet because I haven't found it. Oh. But I have a pet cricket.

Not by choice. Oh, it's an invader. It got into your house. I just can't find it. Oh, Lord. And last weekend, last weekend, I took everything out of the house. Everything, the furniture, everything, the fridge, to find the cricket. And I have come to the conclusion that I don't have a cricket in my house.

He has a human in his. Yeah. you're right because everything was out of the house and I heard the that's what I heard does that make you mad oh no because it's part of life but I just wanted to and there was a planter really there was a one plant left was he staring at you through the monocle and I I lifted the plant okay there was nothing There was a cigarette butt. Oh, nothing worse than a smoking cricket.

They'll light your house on fire. So he's like the Jason born. And if they don't get you with the butt, they'll get it by rubbing their legs together too quickly. He's the Jason born of crickets. Where was he born? They say China. Wow.

Because everyone that I've talked to, I made phone calls and they said it's good luck. By the way, phone call, a popular Chinese name. Oh, I like it. phone call yeah that's number 32 on the menu also a sex act in west hollywood what isn't yeah uh but they said that it's good luck yeah and i told them maybe if you're not a comedian like i do some jokes out loud because i'm a professional right and when i do them i hear a cricket So that is implying that, oh, this might not be a good thing to have.

Well, you know what you're doing, Guy, and I don't want to burst your bubble. You're interrupting love. When a cricket makes that noise, it's a mating call. Okay. It's looking for a woman. And here you are moving your IKEA furniture, moving your shit around. I haven't found it. Your aim, whatever that one, your aim couch.

And now you're ruining something. some guy, cricket guy's chance at scoring of hammer smithing all night long. They said it was good luck, like a ladybug. If a lady bug, you can't say lady anymore. If a bug. Okay, if a bug who dresses as a woman. Okay, that's okay. If a bug that dresses as a woman lands on you and you go and it flies away, that's good luck.

It's also a me too movement. Yeah, to blow on that. but is it good luck yes yes but if the cricket lands on you i've not the cricket excuse me the the the bug dressed as a lady yeah you blow on it yeah it doesn't leave and it just stays on you and yeah just gets in your ear your hair maybe you're seeing a bug of a lady in my hair then it's no longer good luck wait a minute hold on can i interrupt not yet but you can i will i will later go ahead No, go ahead. Please.

You go ahead. I was just talking about, I was trying to prove a point, but maybe I'm done with what's good luck. Well, if a bird poops on you once, that's good luck. It is? But if it poops on you every time you leave the house, it's no longer good luck. My point is the crickets good luck if it stops by and says hi. What if a fat kid on a roof slops yogurt on you when you leave the, A Greek kid.

Yeah, good luck once. Okay. If he's there every day. Like they say a priest when it, and you'll know this because a lot, a lot of your angles are priest related and fondling. A lot of your angels are priest related too. That's a sex act in West Hollywood. But if they throw that holy water on you, it's good luck. Yeah.

Christ. Oh. But if they take a hose and just. yeah waterboard you bad luck that's not good luck so that's what i feel with the cricket now listen because we're we're on this show everyone knows we're very sensitive to the pronouns i don't know what a pronoun is it's like a noun but it's in sports like professional sports is there a semi pronoun that we can get away with i think there's a junior league pronoun okay or just a junior league noun because he's not pro yet okay okay

Okay, so what, so people have trouble with pronouns now? No, but what I'm saying is what if you're a ladybug and you're born a male ladybug? Are you a transgender bug? I don't know anything about that. I think you can be whatever makes you fly. But what if the word ladies in your name? Like a tiger's a tiger. A camel's a camel, but what if you're a ladybug?

Who wants to be? a man. Yeah. And you're a ladybug. You got to wear the outfit. I mean, if you look at the male ladybugs, they've all got the polka dress on. I think at some point they would say, I don't identify as a lady. It might be what society has called me, but I am just a bug.

I think it should be the first species of insect to have two names. It should be the male should be the man bug and the lady should be the lady bug. And maybe you decide later in life. Let the bug decide. Yeah. Is that good? I think that works. You let the bug decide.

But how dare you, born unto thine world, a male and give it the name Ladybug? How's that guy walking around in the school yard? He's not going to feel confident in a gang fight. That's very Canterbury tale, what you just did, that accent. What accent was that? You had like an, unto thy. Unto thy, ladybug, thou shall ride deep into the night, thine polka dot dress

flapping in the moonlight the steed charging in the salty surf to apprehend a dildo well now it's getting sexual why because of a dildo well because it's a lady

but it's a man and now we don't know how it's a man lady a dildo with an action a dildo with an accent a dildo also a sex act in west Hollywood you dildo

and also a russian car the dildo the dildo I like that. Four cylinders. I'll, I tell you the good news. Oh,

as long as you tell me the bad news after. I like to get the good news first. The bad news. After. Well, we've already talked about the bad news. Well, let's hear the good news. This cricket is the bad news.

But let me tell you the good news that came as a result of the cricket hunt. The crickets are what? the cricket hunt don't call it that we just got through the ladybug thinking now you're calling it the sea word i thought i said hunt but i i may be hang on i maybe thought uh go again the the hunt of the lady oh sorry i discovered something that had been missing oh 20 years what G. I. Joe's. Vintage. Wait, what do you mean? Oh, you were moving everything for the cricket,

and you stumbled on a box in the attic of G.I. Joe's from a childhood that I hadn't seen. One of them was the Adventure Team Commander. Oh, my God. And I know this because he told me. Oh, wow. I pulled the string. was a talkie.

And he said, I'm the adventure team commander, mission accomplished. Wow. Which was so great to hear. Was there a G.I. Joe Pastor? Pastor? I barely know or? I let... Okay.

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Keep the fun going. Wait. Wait, before you go on with, what does GI stand for? I don't even know. I've heard G.I. Joe, I know what Joe means. What does GI mean? Maybe government issue, Joe? G.I. What if it's giraffe idiot? Or I don't know. I think it's garlic, imbecile. Harlan, I think it can be whatever. G.I. Whatever you want. It could just be guy. Is it a military

term? G.I. I don't know. I think it is, but I don't know what it is. You could look it up, but I believe government issue. If issue starts with an eye. So government issue Joe. Well, that sounds very antiseptic. No, anti-somatic. Antisemitic too. Also a sex act in West Hollywood.

I know. We got to just maybe go through West Hollywood and find out what isn't a sex act. And it seems like anything, any word you hear, you seem to be able to tie it into a sex act in West Hollywood. Have you ever done the Terriacie? trampoline? Well, I do know that is a sex act in West Hollywood because I was going to be a gymnast when I was younger. Oh, it's a GI.

Yes. A GI gymnast. Wow. Jimist. Oh, Jimist. So you found, yeah, tell me, this is exciting. And when I pulled the string, he said, you know, I'm the adventure team commander. So why does a GI Joe soldier have a, like, is he getting a period?

Well. Why would you pull his tampon out? I believe he was a talking one. And when you pull the tampon, he talks? He spoke. So he was in between thoughts. Maybe he was gender? Is gender start with a G?

Gender issue. Gender. I don't know. This is confidential issue Joe. Yeah. But can you say Joe? Because that's a guy's name. G-I-L-B-G-T-T-J-L-G-T-J-L-L-A.

A lot of letters. I saw a girl do the alphabet like that. Yeah. On YouTube the other day, really drunk. Yeah. And that was the order. LGB-T-QR. Yeah, the cop said, do the alphabet, and she did that.

LGB-Q-2. Also, a- And she was so convincing the cop let her go for fear of arresting someone transgender. Oh, a ladybug. Lady-Gender. Ladybug was driving a V-W bug. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Wow. Okay, so you found your G.I. Joe from your boyhood, your childhood toy? And I'm like, this is worth a lot. Your heart must have just filled up with joy. Let it go, man. You seem happy today. So I called the number one G.I. Joe dealer in the world. What, who?

Don't tell me his name was Joe. No. Okay. Carlos. I believe the last name was angst. Anx-Tar. So it was a dinosaur? No, I can spell it.

A-N-G-S-S-A-S-A-S-A-N-G-L-L-E-S-A-R. No, Carlos Ang-Star, A-N-G-S-T-A-R. Wow. But this is exciting. It really is. Keep going. But remind me to dry my eyes after. Yeah.

Do you want to dub them right now with your douche? No, I don't want to collect oil. Okay. And I said, I found the adventure team commander. How old is this thing, by the way? Maybe from the 60s. How many years is that? That's 60 years.

And I called him and I said, how much is this worth? And he said, $1,200. Come on. A GI Joe. The Adventure Team Commander was worth $1,200. Whoa. So I said, where are you? and he was in Arizona somewhere, Prescott.

The number one G.I. Joe dealer, Carlos Angstar. So you had a guy up against the wall? In Prescott, maybe. Poor Scott. So. I hear something out there. So I was so excited. Yeah, this is good news.

So what happened? I was so excited. I pulled the string again. And I pulled the tampon just to hear what else he would say. It's bleeding. It's pleading. And I pulled it too far. Oh, right out?

I ripped his vocal cord right out of the back of the GI Joe. Oh, no. So the value just goes right down. I called Carlos Angstar. Angstar, yeah. And I said, hey, it's Kirk Fox. I just spoke to you about the Adventure Team Commander. You gave me the $1,200 quote.

and I was going to take a train to Prescott. I'm a hobo. And I said, how much for the Adventure Team Commander if he doesn't speak? Oh. And he said, nothing. What?

It went from 1,200 to zero? To zero. Do you have a drill at home? And I said, can't you sell it like it can, speak. It just doesn't want to. PTSD. Because there was one G.I. Joe missing from the box. So maybe he was somewhere in the attic. This one was keeping it a secret. Yeah. Maybe PTSD. Just how much for Joe, just quiet Joe? And he said nothing.

Wow. I called the number one G.I. Joe doctor to get it fixed in the world. What was his name? Or her. It could have been a her. No. This name was George. Last name started with the B. Belunk. It was Belong. George Belong. B. U.L.O.N.K. Belong. So a lot of foreigners, Carlos Ang. store and blanche is french canadian it's pronounced belanche okay and well i called him yeah and i said hey i have the adventure team commander and uh original in the box worth twelve hundred dollars uh not speaking

you know an electric drill you could give him a trache well i don't want to if maybe that's still in play because i asked him okay i said how much to make him talk and can you make you make him talk. Oh, so you're going to waterboard him? And he said, he said, oh, I can make him talk. Whoa. I was like, I was like, Mr. Belong. Yeah, Belanche.

What was the first name? Do you remember? Corey. Was it Carlos? Cori. Coralus Angstar. Cory Belanche. Rob, I don't know.

Also a sex act in West Hollywood. Yeah, the Balanche? The Corey Belanche. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. That's Corey Feldman comes in. Wow. Makes you lunch.

Oh, yeah. Corey make lunch. Cory Belunch. Okay, so what happened? This is crazy. He said, I can make it talk. I'm like, how much? And he said, $1,400.

But it's only worth $1,200. But I figure that's a pretty good investment. $1,400 to get back $1,200. Wait, say that again. It's worth $1,200. Okay. but you're going to spend 14 to make 12. So now it's worth $2,600.

You just grifted yourself. Congrats. But my fantasy, I'm waiting for it. I've sent it. I tried to find my G.I. Joe from childhood. Can I tell you how it finishes and then you move on to yours? Yes, please, please. And then I won't interrupt you.

No, so sloery. I mean, sorry. Put a silent element. wanted to my dream was to ask Joe the transbender Joe yeah

where's the cricket like I thought Joe would know where the cricket was and I thought I would pull the string right and I eventually I was like oh I thought Joe might say I'd be like where's the cricket

and he would just say it's the smoke Alarm. Oh, wow. You cheap fuck. Your dumb fuck. Yeah, I thought I thought he'd say it's a battery. So I'll find out.

I can't find, I can't find the cricket and what if the cricket's so smart he's hiding in your smoke alarm? Wow. Boom. Pow. That's not bad. He's so smart. He hid in your smoke alarm.

I feel we're having a deja vu. Is this a deja vu? Have we had this conversation? We have. We really have, dude. Wow. That's why I came up with that so quick, because we've already done this about two years ago.

I hope so. By the way, sad story. Can I share a sad story? Of course. It was a deja vu. We've never shared this GI Joe story, but it's important. Go ahead. I, unlike you, I don't have a happy ending to my GI Joe story.

I could not find, I bought the landmine Joe and I found his torso, but I'll be damned, I've looked all over the yard for the legs, the pelvis area, feet, shins, calves, can't find them. Is there a shin, a list? I should check shindler's list on the internet. So all that's left is the torso. Yeah, I don't know why my parents bought me. But do you keep it?

Have you kept it? I kept the torso, but when I bought it. You got box and papers? Yeah. But the first time you play Landmine Joe, off he goes, boom. And good luck finding the rest of your toy. Wow. I can help you look.

Was there any metal? I don't think he earned any medals yet because he was taken out of action before he sought his service. A metal limb because you can get a metal detector. Oh, wow. They have those at the airport, by the way. Yeah. Kind of hard to carry around. They weigh about 4,000 pounds.

You think if you had one of the airport like scanner machine at the TSA? You could find a GI Joe leg? I think you can. Do you know what I? do now that I've never that I've never told you here we go finally the good stuff well you brought up the TSA hang on right didn't you just bring up TSA I love TNA I travel occasionally I don't like to I know not always not always private yeah excuse me all right something's coming up it's the is he and when I go through TSA yeah to make it exciting oh boy

I always position myself next to a beautiful woman. Smart. I watch her go in line and I time it. So I get right in behind her. Okay. Now we're in line together. Okay. And when we go through TSA and we're at the conveyor belt

and we start getting dressed, you know, you get dressed, you put on your coat. You're undressed to go through. And when you get to the other side, you redress, put your belt on. Yeah, and you put your jacket and you put your shoes on. I put my pants on. I go completely. Yeah, so do I. And what I do next to this beautiful woman is I imagine we just had terrible sex.

And that's why we're not talking. Right. And then afterwards, I just look at her and I say, I'm sorry And she looks at me like I'm an insane person and just storms off to her gate without a word

just like in real life rude so that's how I get through TSA I just position myself next to a beautiful woman and then imagine we just had bad sex I'm a little more scientific. The way I go through is I position myself near a beautiful woman. I'm thinking if I'm going to do this going through the TSA,

why don't I get something out of it? We've always heard that the male erectile is called a boner. So what I do is I get a beautiful woman, lay her down on the belt, climb on top of her, have coitus as we're going through the X-ray machine. Oh. And on the other side, I finally get to see this elusive boner, but you look at the x-ray of us having coitus, there's no bone. It just looks like two.

She's getting ghost fucked. There's nothing in there. It just looks like. But yet I was in there. Two golf club bags, right? Is that what it looks like on top of each other? Do they know it's a person? Well, yeah, we're on top of each other, but there's, you know, I was clearly inserted,

but on the x-ray, I see nothing. Oh. So where's the bone and the old boner? Where's the bone and the er? Yeah, there's no bone in there. Well, do you know what I do now? Shark cartilage. What is in there?

Inside the bonner. Is it cartilage? Cartilage, a car, Carthage, there's a little bit of ancient grease and penal blood, skin, and hope. But here's what I do as an edger. Okay. We've talked about this before. I don't masturbate. I'm always nutting in my pants if it happens.

But what I do now is before I go through TSA, I wrap my penis in tinfoil. Oh, smart. So that when they put the wand there, they hit it a few times. And I ejaculate. Right. And it counts as I'm being stimulated or touched by another. Because my hands are up. Yeah, I didn't do it.

And they're hitting the penis because they say what's in there. And I say, whatever's in there, it's about to not be. Yeah, it's a metal sleeping bag. Yeah, so I say whatever's in there, we'll know in a minute. And they just keep checking. and then I, uh, ejaculatory. Oh, at least it comes out fresh. Wow, dude.

So that's, that, that's where I live. I live in that, in that world. Do you like getting x-rayed? Does that bother you to go through that thing where they, they put you in that human juicer? They say, stand in the juicer, pretend you're about to be hit by a truck. I don't like it. Like, what is this pose?

Like, I'm, I'm just feeling like there's an 18 wheeler coming at me. I don't like it. I don't want to have to do anything. So now. Oh, my God. Excuse me, I went here. Yeah, it's okay. As long as your slime went into your elbow.

Yeah, it's fine. But what I don't like, it's like if they're going to x-ray us at the airport, why isn't that this country's health care plan? We're getting x-rayed anyways. Yes. Give us a health report. Hey, sir, have a great trip to Hawaii. It's going to be your last.

You've got leukemia. Yeah. like give us the report your x-ray in me i don't even get a full body x-ray at my doctor that's not bad you're doing one now so you're saying turn that into an MRI machine well it already is i know through my body and by the way i don't like strangers looking at my scapula and my femurs and my coxas you have a doctor there that looks gives you i'm getting a better more detailed report on my body going to cleveland for the weekend than i am going in for my year physical where the guy just tapped it looks in your ear.

Do you have a physical every year? Every year. What are they looking for? Olivia Newton, John. I've never had a physical. Well, let's get physical, physical. How are we doing on time? What else you want to know?

Oh, we got to do our final segment. Hey, everybody, my brand new book, Uncle Milton, is here at last. It's a collection of strange but wonderful short stories, and you can read that along with some of my other books. I bet you didn't know that I wrote books, did you? It's a little secret I've had. We have craved with zombie stories, and we have journeys, people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life,

sex in and Satan, where we explore some darker themes, and don't look under the bed, some Twilight Zone Us stories for bedtime reading at Harlanwilms.com. Is that where we're at? You have words from a wooden shoe, my guy. We'll talk about a shallow grave next time. Oh. We'll save that.

Oh, I want to know about that, yeah. It's just... Next time. Yeah, we'll save the death theme for next time. Yeah, because this was all about life. Yeah. What are we at right now? We're at 56 minutes and 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 52, 53, 54, seconds, 55.

Perfect. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to go too long this time. We don't want to go too long. Yeah. They probably checked out about 45 minutes ago. I agree with that. It's just been me and you rambling, like a couple old hobos. Do you know any hobo songs?

Yeah. You want to rip one for us? Riding on the hay, is that cold all day. Trust that that train's going to make it to Tallahassee. Yeah. Shine on, brothers. Come on, get on this train. Bobby, come on, man.

And then you pull them onto the train. You go, you got some beans, Bobby. Bobby, you got those beans. This is a song or a command? Well, you combine it. Okay. There's no loft to the hobo lifestyle. Yeah, there's no rhyme or reason.

You guys are free. You're nomads. You do what you want. Who's you is that? This is my Dutch clog dutchy. Oh, good. And you know the drill. I don't remember.

It's full of words. random words you reach in you pull one out and see if it triggers a story from your journey that looked healthy whatever you just did something you make whatever you just did say very sexual thank you in west hollywood in west hollywood okay what's your word my guy oh boy here we go chaste oh oh Was that a word? Will you ever been chased? I mean, I think everyone's been chased in life,

whether it's in the schoolyard or from a bad person or a cop car. I was chased once and... What? What happened, guy? Nothing really is. It seems like a, it looks a little traumatic. Well, nothing really came of it. I did escape.

What happened? There was someone in a car. Oh, here we go. was just, uh, didn't like me and someone else. And they chased for a long, long, oh, that was one chase also. What? But I will say this. Yeah.

Kevin Dillon and I were chased once. The actor Kevin Dillon? Yeah, from my. Matt, Matt Dillon's brother? Yeah, we were in. The better actor. I don't know anything about any of that. But we're in New York in a 1969 firebird and we were being chased also.

so some bullies wanted to rough us up. What? And we were scared, and they were right on our ass, and then Kevin made a sharp turn off the freeway, and they went past us. Wait, why? What triggered the chase? We don't know.

We don't remember. Oh, so did the chase happen while you were already in the car? Yes. Or did you instigate something, jump in the car and drive? No, the chasing, we were in the car, and someone was chasing us, and we got away free. And the other one was in Long Beach,

I believe I was chased in a car. I don't do things in life that would warrant chasing. Yeah. I don't do things and run. Have you ever chased someone? No, I don't want to catch someone.

Do you do your banking a chase? I mean, there's got to be some connection. No, I don't. I just want to stand still and live. And not be chased. I don't want to be chased. Did you chase your wife? No.

I kind of waited for her and she fell into my web. It wasn't supposed to last this long, this marriage thing. So there's been no chase in your life? No. Except when you're around Matt Dillon. No? You mean Kevin? I mean Matt.

I like to talk about him more than Kevin. No, I just, I don't, this, when I pulled this, I, First of all, I didn't even know how to pronounce it. Chase. I didn't know the word. How do you pronounce it? Chesed. Oh, so you ever been chased by a French guy?

No. Because that's what Chesed is French for chase. Harlan, this wasn't a good one for me. I just don't live a life. Well, would you like to try another one? Would that? Do you have time? I just, I do have time.

I don't want to chase things in life. You're ch- Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to,

and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control.

That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. It's a second chance, and that's apropos. Put that one back in and grab a freshie. But now I feel like I'm chasing. You are. I don't like it.

You just chased, my friend. I won't grab it. congratulations I won't how prophetic is the word chase and here you are chasing well and then I decided what why would I want another word yeah I pulled out the word and it was chase and it doesn't and it taught you a lesson you needed to learn the lesson today that not to chase I don't chase but I'm thinking that in life I maybe should have at times you've chased things in what you've chased your career no i haven't it chased you no it may be chased me at times but if i had chased my career i would have done things differently let me ask i would have had agents or managers i

would have cared right i have nothing if someone wants me they can find me they can chase you they can find me have you ever in the middle of the night been walking down let's say a street in baker Field, one in the morning, you're a twig snap or some leaves rustle. You look behind you and there's seven priests covered in olive oil running after you down the sidewalk. That's a chase. Well, that's a dream. If that, I would not run from that kind of passion.

I mean, that to me is, that's a win in life. To have men who work for God, covered in oil, which I like. I like to dip bread and oil, to have them running toward me to do what, hug or to give me knowledge? I don't know. It's Bakersfield. Who knows what happens there. So, yeah, once again, I would not run. Okay. So Chase was not the word for you. I would possibly turn and chase and be open to it. I would not run. I'm not running toward them. I don't want to scare them. It's life.

If I glanced back at seven, are they naked? Yeah. It's Bakersfield, guy, of course. No clothes. If I turned around. Yeah. Oil glistening in the moonlight. And I saw seven naked priests.

Glistening, glistening priests. Running toward me. Are they in shoes? Yeah, sandals, like Birkenstocks. Because that's what Jesus wore. Yeah. I would turn toward them. Yeah.

Turn towards the Lord. I would say. Come to me. Give me what will make you whole. Oh, there'll be a hole all right. That's fine. The food of Jesus, right, is bread? I guess so.

Wonder bread. Seven naked priests oiled up. Don't dwell on it, guy. You have a cricket to get home, too. I will tell this cricket what's out there. could you imagine would they rape a cricket who the priest oh i never said the r word no i did oh i just thought it was going to be like a i know i'm open for business a hymn session or something but you're okay him or shim you got to be careful g i am g i am oh god lady joe oh this was great i

I forgot to do the theme music. Do you mind if I do it and introduce you at the end? Oh, I'd love to be introduced at the end. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Haile Highway podcast. And also, thank you for being here on the Highland Highway podcast. I did them both at once. Our guest today... No, no, no.

Our guest today was. Aren't you introducing me at the end? Yeah, our guest today was Kirk Fox, comedian, actor. Just a man trying to make it in the late. 90s, don't label me. Yeah, hobo. Can I say hobo at least? Say hobo tennis pro cricket loving.

Yeah. G.I. Joe. A priest lover. G.I. Joe. Businessman, $1,400 to make $1,200. Yeah, grifter. Yeah.

Edger. Tinfoil dick wrapper. Yeah. Tell the folks where they can see you, catch your comedy shows, your TV shows. This is the problem. I got nothing. I'm not here to promote. I'm just here to be.

A hobo. Yeah, you might want to, you could see me, catch me on a train, going through Two Come Carrey, New Mexico. Oh, wow. El Paso, I have a place. I'm no longer doing comedy. I have no, I'm not working anymore. Come on.

I'm just done, man. I'm just looking for seven priests oiled up in Birkenstockies. Birkenstockings. Oh, quiet in here, man. Wait. Are you texting someone? No, I used to have a cricket noise. Oh, are you looking for it?

But I got rid of it. We don't need it. We had such a great one. Are we done? Don't look for it. Yeah, that's it for today, folks. Thank you. Thanks, everyone.

Don't. Don't check them out. I don't need it. I don't need it. Leave them alone. Leave them the hell alone. You've been on the Hall of Highway podcast. Until next time, everybody.

watch out for crickets and chicken chow-made baby clean your eyelashes if I can say yeah say it clean your eyelashes keep them clean man you don't want to collect oil long eyelashes a blessing and a curse green eyes they're rare I'm in the 1% of the planet till next time till next time chicken chowman chitty chitty chitty chitty chitty chitty chitty chitty chileman

bang west holly hollywley I chill out. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend.

It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.