The Harland Highway - KIRK FOX has an amazing heritage, Viking? Indian? And his grandmother boiled alive like a lobster!

Episode Date: December 30, 2025

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Hey, folks, this episode, we have a special appearance by Lieutenant Colonel, Commander Tom Dowdy. He's our military expert. He's going to be talking about the state of affairs of the world. He's going to be offering solutions. He's going to be troubleshooting. This is an audio-only portion that will be at the end of the show. So it's a little bonus portion at the end of the show. It's audio-only, and it's my conversation with Colonel Command.

Lieutenant Special Seals officer, Tom Dowdy, and we're going to have a deep discussion about the crazy state of affairs on this little planet we call Earth. I'm a direct descendant of a Viking king. You should have just been Indians. I have been. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chiroquah? Bless you. Thank you. That was a sneeze, correct? No, that's a tribe, an ancient Indian tribe. I may have had some Chiroquois bless you excuse me you just sneezed oh All good? Oh, no.

Is it going already or no? You look scared to start. Are you scared? Let me know if it's going. I feel like you're scared. You've got that fear in your eyes. I've never seen that look before from you. The most confident guy in the world and you're terrified.

No, I just want to know the ploy. Is it going? It's going. And it was going. Well, I think they might have seen that fear in your eyes, which is a first. It's not fear. It looked like fear. You looked really scared.

No, it's just, I don't know. I want to protect. I think you were terror. You looked like a guy who was walking down an African trail at night and a lion appeared. And you were just like, are we gone? No. You make eye contact with the lion. Then they know it's okay.

She came in and touched a butt. button. And she said, it's on. And then I looked at you and I said, is it going? And you didn't want to answer right away. But see, right there you had sexy James Dean seduce me into the motel sex in Bakersfield eyes. But in this, you're like, is it going? You were terrified, like a boarding school brat looking for a priest in a basement. I just wanted to know if you were being dishonest. No, always honest. But a man walks into a cage like this. Yeah. I always want to know if we're going because sometimes we talk about things

before the camera rolls and then you say we can't talk about that. Yeah, you're right. So I said, is it going? Okay. And I just wanted to protect us and also myself. Are you, it sounds like you might be getting ready

to sue yourself. Are we talking litigation? No, but I'm always aware that we're in a, sticky climate. Are you going to sue yourself? I'd like to. If I could get a lawyer. Let me try this. That's good, man. Isn't that nice? That's an Izzy. It's a typo. Yeah. Izzy when you want something sparkling, spelled wrong. Or should it be Izzy when you want something fizzy and they forgot the F off? That's not bad. F off. Not bad. That's pretty good. I'm a good

jingles guy and if you want to sue me for that while you're busy suing yourself well i'm not sure where litigation where it came from and is well it seems to be at the forefront for for this conversation well i'm not suing myself i just wanted to know are we rolling okay but it sounded like you were really questioning yourself and almost mad at yourself and was heading towards legal things i'm always a little mad at myself for coming here you are yeah why why Oh, we've got to hear this. Well, I don't like to do anything. Yeah, you like to sit at home and twiddle.

I just like to not be anywhere. Do you twiddle? I don't twiddle. It sounds like you just want to be on your couch twidling. No, but I knew I was coming here today. I've come here so often. Too often. I see your thumbs.

Well, I guess, do you know how to twiddle even? I can twiddle if I need to. Can you show me? Well, I'm not going to show you yet. Well, I'm a pretty. good twiddler, I just realized. You can have the stage. Who came up with the word twiddle?

That's a real weird word. Twiddle. Bob? So you go one way and then the other. That's twiddling. Yes. Sounds like a Charles Dickens character. Twiddled be dumb?

Mr. Twiddell went down to the shop and bought some turkey. He brought it home and they had a wonderful afternoon tea. Thank you, Mr. Twiddell. There it is. I mean, I feel like that's Twiddell. Like this is twiddle. What if I double. twiddle. Mr. Twiddell went down to the shop and bought some biscuits for the children before sending

them to the boarding school to get whipped by a bamboo stick from the teacher. I like it. You're coming in hot tonight. Hopefully this will slow down at some point. We just take it in and be here. I like the camera. Well, I just did a double twiddle. I did, I did brush the hair a little. It looks great. It looks slicked back. Is that coconut butter? It's just earth. Wow, you just grab sand and put it in your hair. And it's, dude, it's a heavy water. Yeah. I'm in an old house.

Oh. So the shower I'm in. Yeah. The water, old. It's got that white scum in it. Like if it dries on the floor, it looks like white, like calcium. Yes. And the shower, the shower is a little haunted.

Ooh, there's a ghost in your shower? Well, yes. Polter shower. A woman. burned herself to death in the shower. Where's this shower in Auschwitz? No, but the woman was Jewish, so it could all tie in. Wow.

But I believe... Shiddler's shower. I believe my wife, I don't even like saying the word. Believer? I don't like the word wife. Oh, I thought you meant believer. There's a woman I live with. With your wife?

I didn't say it. I said it once, and then I... Okay. Okay. The woman you live with. There's a woman that I share a house with that's her house. Yeah. And her grandmother used to live downstairs in the apartment that I live in now. I spend most of my time downstairs.

There's been some separation? Of course. Of course. I came in separated. Yeah. Wow. So you're in the basement. I'm in the basement where her grandmother used to live. Oh, is there skin flakes still all around? Oh, of course. Of course. And at one point, her grandmother, I'm not sure whose mother, maybe the dads or the moms, it doesn't matter to me.

As long as it's a grandmother, we know who it is. She was in the shower, and she reached, she began to fall, I believe, and grabbed the faucet to stable herself and turned the hot to hot. All the way up. And she fell and then was just scalded to death. She died getting clean? Yes. I believe it was very near death. Oh, so she lived?

Barely. Enough to crawl to a phone. She had a landline. She called 911. Yeah. Paramedics showed up. There was two of them? I believe my wife was upstairs.

I said it again. The woman was upstairs with her dad, maybe watching television. So the grandfather. They didn't even hear the screaming. Whoa, did they hear her fall? I guess not. Old woman's flesh is soft. They heard nothing.

They almost like. Because the paramedics, when they came to the door, they came upstairs and they said, you know, we're taking a woman to the hospital that has been burned to death downstairs. We're surprised you didn't hear the screaming. Oh, I thought you said they're going to say, is there a soup on? A supon. Well, I mean, it sounds like she was marinating in hot water in the shower. Yes, maybe they thought it was.

That's great. And to see you laugh is just joyful because there's so much sadness in the world. And to see that soup on seems to be a funny word to you. Yeah, she was cooking in the shower. So you would have thrown onions in? Yeah, scallops. scallions and carrots that's good because she is in a little basin right with scalding soup and if she had maybe been blocking the drain grandma soup grandma soup or granny beast and they took her so what

I'm saying yeah in a roundabout way is that shower haunted heavy water yeah so what you're seeing here. Wow. Just beauty. Yeah, I know your hair looks really good. It has a sheen to it. A Charlie. A Charlie sheen and a bit of Emilio Estevez on the sides. I know. Sometimes I'm just liking the direction of the hair of where it's going as a man. It's real good. And the coloring, like it's just a autumn. Well, that's the dirt. That's an autumn color. That's the haunted shower. Wow. Well, wouldn't the haunted shower be like a beet red if the boiling water was like scalding her skin wouldn't she be like a glowing red she may have been like a lobster but she was also a drinker oh i believe uh she was probably drunk at the time okay uh and maybe she didn't really know she was cooking huh but she crawled across the

floor like a salamander oh and just left a trail of blood but if you're all red, I almost picture a lobster crawling out of the ocean. You picture what you need to. Okay, I just did. I pictured just... Salamander. What's left of a human crawling out of a... Salamander's valid. They're amphibians.

A lot of them spend time in the water. A newt is full-time aquatic, but a salamander, it's... Have I ever told you... Oh, here it comes. No, we're talking salamander. Okay. the only time I can see clearly is when I'm underwater. I have a stigmatism.

Now, I go underwater because of my tinnitus. Yeah. Underwater, it's soothing. Oh. When I'm underwater, I do not hear the ringing. Oh, because you have the tintanitis. Whatever it is. I'm not into labels.

Yeah. But when I go underwater, I'm in. peace. But how often are you underwater, though? Well, not enough. I'd like to live underwater. You know, if you got your grandmother to clog your shower. Not my grandmother. You could stand. My

roommates. Okay. My roommate's grandma. You know, the only time I can see clearly is when the rain is gone. I know the song, you tied it in. That's not as good as Supon. Yeah. You didn't know what Supon was. You thought it was one word.

Is it not? No, it was like, is there a soup on? Apologies. I saw in your eyes the same way I saw the terror when you first sat down. You thought soup on was one word. I still do. Is there a soup on? Soup on.

Like a soup on the stove. Is there a soup on? Soup on, I thought, was just one word, which referred to the stove. Well, that's it in French. Supon is the French version of soup on. I like it. Who is supon? But let me finish.

the salamander. We'll get back to the soup. Salamander to soup. Right here on the... Hang on. That's a great way to start the show. Hold on to that thought. Are we going? Ladies and gentlemen, from salamander to soup, you on the Hall and Highway Pankham. With my very special juicy guest, Kirk Fox is here. It's your 47th time. I come here a lot. Our number one guest. And right under the gate. The only podcast I don't mind doing it, because you're close. You love it.

You're close. I don't know if I love it. You live for it. It's good to me. I think you live for it. It's good for me to be out in the world. I think you... And try to connect.

I think you really love it more than you're letting on. I try to connect. I see it in your eyes the same way I saw the horror. You know Alan Cumming? Are you familiar with this actor? I wouldn't want to know a guy who does that. Alan Cumming. He's a great actor.

Oh, he's an actor. He has a tattoo on his arm. Oh. And it says, only connect. I thought he was only coming. No, that's his last name. Oh, I'm so sorry. Only supon.

Okay. So I'm just trying to connect. Yeah. Per Allen coming his request. You have the need to connect because you're a very detached guy from the world. You like to isolate. You like to be alone. You like to be alone.

You don't like the external stimuli. It's quiet when I'm alone. Right now it's loud. Yeah. Your volume. I'm up. I'm up here. You're not soothing.

I know. You're not soothing. You're coming in hot. This podcast is something you do to make money. I am not interested in cash. Too late. You're already part of my economic machine. Just by being here.

Chik-ching. Chiching, chiching, chiching. So when you say, come here, people won't... No, I said Alan Cummings here. No S on the end. Well, it's my show. I believe it's Alan Cumming. Oh, how many times?

Oh, I'm not sure. A lot. He's a very... Well, if you got that last name. He gets out in the world. Sounds like it never stops. But Whitney Cummings has an S. Oh, okay.

They should have got married and just... I don't think so. I believe someone just proposed to Whitney. Coming and Cummings? Why not just change your last name to Scor? discord. I like that. Well. But let me tell you one more thing. Is this about the salamander?

Of course. We'll get back to it. Wait, we're not on the salamander? We are. Okay, yeah, I want to hear. I like salamanders. I know you do. That's why I like you. You're the only guy that talks about them anymore. Well, we were just talking about the woman crawling across the floor, dripping blood after the shower. Oh, now there's blood. Oh, she was bleeding profusely, which is a word. This is turned it into forensic files all of a sudden. So underwater.

It was a nice soup and now it's forensics files. Underwater. Hey, everybody. Do you see what I have in my hand here? This is my old wallet, the big fat. It's like a chunk of lasagna. Do you ever wonder why I'm sitting on a tilt? It's because of this thing.

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I'll tell you what, this thing's made with premium materials like aluminum, titanium, and carbon fiber. It's like you have Iron Man in your back pocket. What? So let's get this wallet. And by the way, you ever lose your wallet? Well, check this out. Ridge has a tracker card. Yeah, you'll always know exactly where your Ridge wallet is before all that panic kicks in. Perfect peace of mind for holiday travel and gift giving. For a limited time only, Ridge is having their huge holiday sale. So head to R-I-D-G-E.com and get up to over 47% off your order. Now, this is by far the biggest discount they've given all year. That's ridge.com for up to 47% off your order during their biggest sale of the year and after you make your purchase they will ask you where you heard about them so please

please support our show support the harland highway podcast and tell them that we sent you right here harland at the harland highway podcast let them help us help you help them help us help us help us help them and help you help us that and help you ridge happy holidays If I go down about 10 feet and open my orbs, these beautiful greens. Your eyes? I see perfectly. Underwater. Yes.

Without a mask. No mask. I'm telling you that when I go underwater, I know. I know. And I've called some of the leading ophthalmigists. Ew. Or ophthalmogy. What's the word?

Optholomagist? Isn't it Cummings? I don't know. No, there's a word for eye doctor. Optometrist. No, opthology is part of it. Not optometrist. That's... Well, that's eyes.

That's eyes, but ophthalogists is the big guys. They're the real deal. Are you making up a word right now, just to make your story seem bigger? No, ophthalogist. I think you're trying to puff up your story. I would not do that. Well, it sounds with optobloblisp, suddenly I'm making a... Greek words and not even Damascus knew.

We could look it up at some point. You can look it up because it doesn't exist. You're trying to fluff up your story. Optomologist. You had a weak story about a grandmother crawling and now you're trying to fluff it up. That's a weak story. Someone burning your death in the shower?

Okay, it's not weak, but fluffing up a grandmother crawling like a bleeding lobster. All the eye doctors. All of sploppelblis. And they all couldn't tell me why I see better underwater underwater. Wow. Because I have a stigmatism, which is one word, I believe. Yeah. And one of the leading ophthalmologists, um, blah, blah, blah, blah. Surgeon, he said, possibly amphibient. You? Yes. Partial or all?

Partial. Yeah. So he said the fact that I can hear. hear, better, underwater, and see clearly, underwater, that he says I might be part amphibian. How long can you hold your breath underwater? This is the question. Oh, I know, I just said it. So he suggested, and I agreed, that next time I go down about 10 feet, Yeah. Just take a deep breath.

Do you want to do it right now? Well, I'd have to go 10 feet under water. Well, you can hold your breath the same underwater as you can on land. I'm not there. I'm not there to hold my breath, brother. But if you do it here, it's the same as if you're underwater. No, he wants to know if I can breathe underwater. Oh, he wants to know if you have gills. Yes.

He wants to know if I'm an amphibian. Have you ever cut your hair to see if there's gills on the side of your head? I did once. I didn't like to go that tight. Oh, God. This is a good length. It's coming in. I'm handsome, focused, straight at the camera.

Green eyes, long eyelashes. Wow. I haven't had Chalasian in years. So let me ask. But let me finish. Okay, well, you started talking about Mexican food. It's all part of it. What's Chalasian?

We'll get to that also. Okay, go ahead. That's a good topic since we're on this. Just to let it rip, Danny Dingle Dunker. This ophthalmologist, you say go down about 10 feet, take a deep breath, see if you can just breathe under there. Okay. And if you can, just stay down and live under there.

Like a newt. Whatever. I'm not going to bring, like an old also. I don't have to be new. Okay. There's a T on the end. I don't care about letters, brother. Well, you were worried about Cummins had an S on the end.

No, you were. Care about letters? No, I just knew it was Alan Cumming. Sorry. That was a knee-jerk reaction. You knew it was coming. I know, and together they Cummings. Wow.

So that's just to tie it all up. Okay, but can I, this is your podcast, brother? Well, I know, but I know you're all about human compassion. And for a guy who can, is pretty much a dolphin. or a lungfish, or a Siberian wetback soft-shell turtle. It's not bring wetbacks, that's racial. Well, so what? That's you.

Here's this guy that can pretty much function underwater like Aquaman. Yeah. His grandmother's drowning in the bath. And you didn't think to be down there sitting in the water to help her? I wasn't there yet. What do you mean? You could have. I love the fact that the woman who feeds me and supports.

supports me. Your wife. Whatever the word is. They both start with W. W. W.? W. What's the other one? I'm not even sure. We could just say W. I'm not going to label her. What if we just do W and then let them decide? I don't know what she is these days. Everyone's into

labels. Okay. And what's your pronoun or verb? We've been into that. Yeah. But the paramedics were surprised that they didn't hear the screaming. I think they went back to the TV. and finished the show they were watching. The paramedics.

No, I think the woman and her dad. Oh, oh, oh. I'm not sure they were fans. Of Grandma Ma. I think it was the mother's mother. Oh, wow. And I think they may be... Excuse you.

Tuberculosis. No, thanks. I'm busy. Nice. I think they maybe heard it and just kept watching the show. Maybe Aquaman. I think they just said, oh, okay, maybe they were hoping the paramedics wouldn't get there in time. I wonder if there's one of those silent looks.

They heard the drop. They're like, and then they just went, like that little, they knew. They just gave that little look. They knew. They knew, yeah. I put the tea there. Oh, God. That's where I live now, in that shower.

And I love the shower. It's like a YMCA. It's dirty and old. And there's other men. Oh. Maybe. Well, you said YMCA. I will say there's no light in the bathroom.

It's very dim. There's no windows in your bathroom? Not that I'm aware of. Well, have you ever seen sunlight? I haven't. Well, there's no windows, guy. That's not an easy one, a hard one to figure out. It all gets back to why my hair is this way.

Oh, gorgeous. There's no light. Yeah. I just wash it with dirt and skin, DNA. Are you talking sand or like, earth or you're talking like top soil what there's so many variants of earth what kind of i mean for people who are hair fanatics and want to get this look what kind of earth should they be looking at sandy soil gravelly soil i would say anything handy okay i say any dirt you can get your hands on

yeah don't travel to find it it's always close there's a lot of there's dust in my bathroom yeah so I'll scoop up a handful of dust and just put it through oh dude and when I do it when I do that do you see beauty as well I see sexiness and beauty I know like it's really sexy something's happening I'm growing into myself you are you get sexier every time you come here but what is that I think it's just um God has gifted you with jeans my father was handsome yeah My mother also of a handsome woman. She was a handsome woman. Moustache strong.

On your mom? Yes. A little one, but I always told her to, you know, fill it in. Yeah. Don't hide from it. What color was your mom's hair? Red. She was a red-haired woman.

So was her mustache red? No, it was kind of grayish black. Viking. Yes. Your mom was a Viking. I am. Eric the Red. Yeah.

Five generations was a direct relation of mine. And guess what? Your grandmother's the red. Yeah, Agnes Hammerstrom. Yeah, after she has her shower. That was my grandmother. The Red. And a few of her grandmas, one of them was Eric the Red's mother.

Wow, a lot of Red in your family. I'm a direct descendant of a Viking king. You should have just been Indians. I have been. Oh, wow. I might be part Cherokee. I did a television show called Reservation Dogs, where I played Kenny Boy. You were awesome in that.

Thank you. I was. I found my stride, but Kenny Boy had some native in him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chiroquah? Bless you. Thank you. That was a sneeze, correct?

No, that's a tribe, an ancient Indian tribe. I may have had some Chiroquois. Bless you. Excuse me? You just sneezed. Oh, is that where Cheerios came from, my friend? Oh, look at our happiness. This is what people pay big money for to see Harlan happy with so much sadness.

See, I don't need a podcast. I'm just happy to be allowed. You're just happy. You're happy to be out. But reservation dogs, Kenny Boy. They thought at first that he had no native in him. Oh, wow. But Sterlin Harjo quickly realized that Kenny Boy may have some native blood in him.

What tribe? Chiracua. Bless you. Thank you. I'm allergic to dust. Your own words. But yes, so I have Viking in me, some native. Wow.

A ho. That's native. It means thank you. A hoe? Oh, bless you. Thank you. There you go. That's how you.

do it. Wow. Speaking of your hair, my friend. Are we still on the hair? Did you want to get to Chalasian? Well, I want to get, before we get to Chalasian and bless you. Thank you. Ah, ho. Chalasian. Yeah, I tell my brother. I want to do something that complements your beautiful hair. It's a gift for me. Oh, my. Yeah. If it really is what I think it is. Something that you've been wanting. I have two hats, STP and Ford. These are my hats,

and I'm handing them off to you, my fine friend. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something, Harlan, right? Harlan, yeah. This is exactly, I would say, three or four months ago. Yeah. You showed me some hats.

Yeah. And I said I would love a couple of those. And you said which ones. Yeah. And these were the two that I had chosen. Yeah. I like the Ford. Look how it matches your shirt, your jacket. Now, do I need to wash them? No, no.

They are cleaner than a baby's ass after a diarrhea festival. Okay. Now, this is headgear, which is important. Made in China. Yeah. Small little country where a lot of hats come from. Yep. That's a sweatshop slave hat right there. Check on this one? Oh, yeah. This one rides a little

too high. Yeah. Okay. Not sure how I feel about this. Okay. Check my transmission handyman. Ford. Now we check this one. This has a little more depth. Yeah.

Now this one, once again from China. Yeah, sweatshop slaves. And it's at three notches. I only buy my stuff from sweatshop slaves. I like to support the community. Oh, yeah. Okay, now that has a little more depth. Yeah.

Now, this one, this one I, like. Yeah. Brad Pitt has a shirt that has STP on it. Which is short for stupid, by the way. Is it? Yes, stupid. You know what STP stands for?

Tell me stupid. Super truck pulmonary. It's a hard stopping. It's a type of oil. I thought it was sniff termites. So I like these. I'm going to keep them here, but now I'm going to go back. Yeah, you can't hide that hair.

Not today. Why would you even wear a hat? hat. Now this is also a strong hat. Oh. That was made for me. Pro bass shops. Carp. Oh. Yeah, that's a, that's a sort of a garbage fish. Yes. That's where I come from. Now, that has a fit. Yeah. This was made for me. You live in that hat. It lives well on you. It does have a strong fit. Wow. But thanks for the hat. Oh, I was waiting for the thank you. Harlan said, if you come do the podcast... That was my bait.

Give you the hat. Bait and switch. That's how I got you here. Carp. That's the bait. Carp. But, you know, carp is spelled with a C, not a K. I'm not into a spelling or words.

Well, that's not what you said about coming. Well, I still don't even know if it's a K or a C. All I know is he's coming. The Allen coming was just about connecting. I know, but he's got to be exhausted. That much coming? Yeah. I don't know.

I save my chi, my life force. We've always talked about this. Oh, God. Yeah, let's dance around this. God, you love that stuff. No, I love to save it. Can I talk about something I want to talk about for once? This is your day. But I know that you run deep.

You have a deep philosophy. You have a deep chi. You're the type of guy I look at you and I go, I bet that guy could exist underwater for 25 minutes. If I can, I would just walk to Hawaii. That's what I'm going to find out when I take that deep breath. Yeah. Walk to Hawaii.

Luggage or no luggage? I travel light. I don't even carry anything when I travel. Because I was picturing you underwater, like carrying a couple of suitcases all the way to Hawaii. And I thought, that's got to hurt the shoulders, even though you're sort of weightless underwater. I travel light, man. I don't need much. when we get back

I'll travel I was thinking of something you said something that triggered something but I forgot Oh I was talking about you run deep I wanted to get you to kind of give me some analysis on a childhood trauma

that you had that I had that maybe you could pull me through because you run deep you understand the human condition you get below the layers on most people All right. What did you go through something? When I was a kid, when I was a teenager. Yes.

I lived in a house with my parents and my four sisters. A log house? A regular house in the suburbs. Okay. One of my sisters. Stucco? Mortar and timber and wires. Tim Burton.

Tim Burton lived in the basement. Sweet. There was wires. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images. on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs. At harbleng.com, you can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original

or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it, it's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. There was shingles. It was a house. Okay.

It was a house. It sounds like a house. It was Richard Pryor's house. That's not the guy. Richard Pryor. That's nice. No, Christopher Wock. Why do they say Richard Pryor?

Who cares, man? What's a word? They're both black. Yeah, they're both black, dude. Okay, go ahead. So you had some trauma. So I lived in this house, and we had our living room downstairs, and right up the stairs were the bedrooms.

So you could hear just about anything happening down. in the living room. Yes. One of my sisters, for whatever reason. How many sisters? Four. But one of them when she was about, I don't know, 11 or 12,

decided she wanted to play the cello. Which to me is just a fat violin. Of course. I mean, I feel like you wake up in the middle, like you turn on the light, and there's a violin eating sheet music. Just stuffing. And moving that, it's like moving a couch

from gig to gig. They're just fat fox. I picture them eating bowls of treble clefts and bass clas and just stuff in their fat cello faces. Yes. Like seriously. No, I agree. It's like a giant fat, obese violin, the cello.

The cello is not necessary. You can get the same note from a smaller instrument. And it's like, why don't they just play a cello like under their chin, like they do a violin and at least build up some arm strength? Without question. So anyway. So your sister's a cellist. She's a cellist.

Right. And so here I'm upstairs. And on Saturday mornings, Sunday mornings, when you're a teenager, you just want to sleep. Okay. So cut to my... And some adults. Yeah. Okay.

But when you're a teenager, you have the power of sleep. It's hard to wake up when you're a teenager. So cut to me, my eyes popping open at 8 in the morning. I want to sleep till noon. How old are you? I'm probably 16, 17, 18. Okay. So that's a strong...

Trauma age. Yeah. So down in the living room, here's my sister, and she had two rehearsal songs, Tucka Tucka Ruff Ruff, you know, on a cello, and Peanuts and Popcorn. Wow.

Those are the two songs. Okay. And there my eyes pop open, and all they was, e, he, tucca, tucker, rough, rough, peanuts and popcorn. Like, yes. So I'm just like, I want to sleep.

Of course. I'm in a delirium. What time is this? It's like eight, nine in the morning. What does taka taka ruff-ruff-ruff even mean? I'm not musical, but it sounds important to someone. It was written, correct? Well, it's the name of the piece.

Okay. And what did it do to you? Well, it traumatized me because every Saturday is like, eh-h-h-h-h-tuck-tac-ruff-ruff-r. And what did she do? What did she? On her fat fucking violin. And I would yell down the stairs.

Shut up. Okay. Stop, shut up. Like a wild man. And would she? For a minute, but then just peanuts and popcorn. Pean, boom, boom, peanuts and popcorn. Like, what's it done to me?

Do you feel traumatized? Yes. Like, to me, it's soothing to hear music. Not. Not to me. It's seven in the morning. I thought it was eight. Well, it's eight, it's nine, it's everywhere.

So are you dreaming at the time? Probably, I'm an adolescent. Okay, here's what I would do. Okay. You're older now. Yeah. How's your sister doing? Great.

Okay. Can you play that song? Can I? Yes. No, I never learned the cello. Well, I would learn the cello. Okay. Because you're facing your fear.

All right. That's true. And gently play that song. Taka, Tucka, Tucka Ruff-Ruff-Ruff. Of course. And just know that, oh, this is fine. But can I know what it means? What is the words Tucka-Tucka-Ruff-Ruff mean?

Well, you're going to have to find a translator. Tucka-Tucka. Yeah. Means belt. Okay. You did the Indian show. No, Indonesia. Okay.

So Tucka-Tucka. Belt. Belt, belt. What's the rest? Tucka-Tucka-Ruff-Ruff. Okay. Belt, jeans, denim. It's just about pulling your pants up, finding out who you are.

What? I'm tuck-a-tuck-a-ruff, man. Holy shit, and then, ironically, she would wake me up, I'd get out of bed, put my jeans on, and pull them up. Yes. She was giving you instructions. What the F? See, I knew you'd know.

So you're fine now. My guy? Yeah, so you were yelling at someone who was helping you. Oh, my God, but what about peanuts and popcorn? Well, she says, come down here. There's breakfast. For breakfast, I eat peanuts and popcorn? Why not?

What am I a circus family? Maybe. Sounds like it. Four people in a house. Where was this? Up in Canada? Yeah. Oh, God.

All right, thanks, I guess. Do you have a friend named Sparky? I don't have a friend named Sparky. Oh. But I did audition recently for a show, Sunny in Philadelphia. And the role was for Sparky. No. I didn't get it.

What was, you remember the role? Like, what was the character like? He worked at a dog racing track. Oh, wow. And he was kind of a Zen master. I thought it would be a good role for me, Sparky. But I didn't get it. I maybe played it a little.

Oh, too Sparky. A little too maybe slow and chill. Maybe I needed a little passion. I'll tell you what. I went to the dog. races about six months ago down in Florida. I lost $200,000. I bet on the Chihuahua. Was he in the race? Yeah. Because one time I bet on a Chihuahua wasn't even in the race. Oh no. Where was he? Just in the booth next to me. Oh no. What was the bet? What was the bet for? To win the race.

But he wasn't racing. Exactly. That's why you lost. That's why I lost. Oh, he was. Yeah. Should have bet on him not to race. That's why I need you. You could be a bookie with your new library. I am a bookie. I knew you'd go there. You did know. I said it before your finger. Yeah, you did.

I saw it your eyes. Soup on coming. Soup on. Speaking of critters, God's critters. Let me present you with one of them. Wait, another. What in the name of Morgan Freeman's dimpled ass cheeks? Let me tell you what that is.

Yeah. That, my friend. is the most popular fish in the sea. Why? That is the blowfish. Right. According to the sperm whale, the blowfish, most friendly. You don't know which way it's going.

Well, I think we do. It's going back and forth. It's a blowfish. Yeah. It's the only fish in the sea that swims back and forth. Does it? Yeah, it's a blowfish. Is it because of the wind?

No, because it's blowing. Nice. Which way? whichever way the whale cock is or both ends yeah be careful that could hurt your shoulder yeah but why does it it was like you were playing the cello the taka taka ruffer up pull your jeans up and come eat some peanuts no pull your jeans down taka tucker ruffer it's always a joy to be here yeah but what why would god those hats are something too small no they're adjustable my guy you just don't want them

you're disappointed in them I thought they'd be deeper yeah I'm gonna take them do you sort of get the gist of why I'm getting rid of them now of course they sit a little too hard they suck yeah and so I thought if I could dump them off on you

yeah so I'm taking home a Ford to throw them out I'll give them to someone I see you can throw them out here if you want no I like them do like a blowfish I do like a blowfish but that one looks like a might hurt. Why did God create something, though? Like, it just swims around normal. For fun. And then when it gets threatened, it puffs up like a blowfish. So is this one threatened?

Well, that's what they do. They're really small. Is he real? Is he stuck? That's real. Do you want to hold him? I'm all right. I don't need to. You want to hold the blow? No, but I see his face. He seems nice. Yeah, they expand when they're threatened. So if something eats them or they think, think they're going to be eaten. Their defense mechanism is to inhale and take in and expand so that they become basically a swimming prickle. Who's going to eat this? And yet here he sits dead in my hand. Can you imagine if this guy came up on land and the first thing he saw was a cactus? That would be love. That would be love that that looks dangerous to me yeah like I my big fear is flat tires well if you ran over

this you'd get one yeah a lot of holes and I I plug up every hole when I get a flat tire I put a nail I pull the nail out and I plug it so this would take a lot of work what do you plug it with something that'll fill the hole how about the nail no that's what caused it you need something rubber. Oh. I plug them. That's my big fear. Wait a minute.

So you don't... May the rusty nails of life avoid your feet and tires. Oh, I like that. That's like a philosophy. I thought of that. I can almost hear Winnie the Pooh saying that. Can I try it?

Yes. May the rusty nails of life punch your food and your tires. And your honey. No. Oh. May the rusty nails of life avoid your feet and tires.

May the rusty nails of life avoid your feet and tires, Mr. Rabbit. That's good. Now, is that Winnie the Pooh? Well, that was Winnie the Pooh, or as I call him Winnie the Diarrhea splatter. I love that. I've been having some really good poops. Oh, come on. Did you start it with diarrhea splatter?

Well, I was talking about a lovable plush character. It's lovable. All right, tell us about your last... No, I've just been eating a lot of almonds. Ew. For some reason... Why? Just because they're there.

But for some reason, a handful of almonds a day seems to be helping. Were you having problems with the voistice or she-choiche? No, never really. problems, but it was never just kind of falling out. Well, maybe there's a nail in it. That's a good point. May the rusty nails of life fall out of you, avoid your feet and soup on.

Yeah, soup, yeah. I love soup. What's your favorite? I like anything with white beans. Racist. White beans are strong. What about black beans? They're fine, too.

But I lean in toward white beans. I know, I hear you. So you don't like black beans? It just depends on what they're on. Racist. I like refried beans. Racist. I'll take it.

Do you like a nice clam chowder on a foggy Thursday night up in Bakersfield? That's risky. Why? You just don't know where the clams are from. But do you like it? Have you ever had a hot steaming chowder? I had good clam chowder up in Maine. Oh, talk to me.

it was good i was doing a movie called down east oh wow i didn't know they lived in the east i'm a major motion picture star yeah talk to me about that well down east was a movie i was in i played a lobster man oh like your grandmother lobster man exactly like my my grandma was a lobster man so down east yes and is this a story about a down syndrome child that lives on the east coast yes okay and he dealt heroin Oh, wow. So that was the movie I was in. It was great. I played Charlie, I believe.

What is your technique, your acting technique? Every great actor has, what do you draw on to find your characters, to find your chi, as you always put it? So you never stop saying it, chi. It's like you probably said it so much, we're all sick of it. I saved my chi, my life force for special occasions. My acting style, I learn the words. Yeah. I say them over and over again.

Yeah. I ask myself, why am I saying this? Yeah. Where am I coming from? Where am I going? Some of the straight things like that. I like to play the opposite. Yeah.

If I'm a serial killer, I'll play him nicely. Have you played a serial killer? All I play is killers, sex offenders. sex traffickers i've never been in a movie where i didn't wear a members only jacket which seems to be the clothing of criminals it is yes so there's a club for criminals i believe members only what i don't get it why the why the connection to members only something about it something about the the feel maybe so the color are you being stereotyped as a a a criminal a a A predator.

I have trouble shaking it. Then what's your ultimate role? Well, you're not this thing that you hate so much. I would just like to play a sweet, gentle man. Caring? He can hear. Loving? Did you say herring?

No, caring. Oh, okay, because herring's a fish. Yeah. Everything gets back to the blow fit. I don't like the way he's looking at me. Could you move that? Yeah, let's turn him around. Yeah.

Better. There. Better. So he blows out of both ends. Yeah. It's like a bagpipe. Yeah. So does he go anywhere?

Where are you? What do you mean? It's the ocean. So he goes with the currents? He could go wherever he wanted. It's the ocean. You'll probably see one when you're walking to Hawaii. A great acting tip I received.

Yeah. Was from Lawrence Kasden. Who's that? A great director and writer, Big Chill, Body Heat, Silverado, Grand Canyon. I love Body Heat. Accidental Tourist.

Body Heat's great. Maybe Empire Strikes Back, I believe. Do you remember who was in Body Heat? William Hurt. Catherine Turner. Yeah. Backman Turner overdrive. Kathleen Turner Overdrive.

Yeah, you Turner and your driver. Yeah. Oh. I don't know where was I? Oh, this was his note to me on Wyatt Earp. Be a read in the stream. bend but do not break so that's kind of my acting style

I bend I do not break I don't get it can you decipher that for us no that's why I don't work as much I'm always thinking so you don't get it either yeah I think you just go with it you don't let anything break you you'd be a read in the stream like I was in a movie recently

okay and my mustache was shaved okay and it changed me movie was called El Tigray with Tom Segura Oh yeah And we shaved my mustache And it hurt

Yeah I can't see you without it So what I'm saying is My acting style is I have to have a mustache You think it affected your acting By not having a mustache It affected my look And in essence affected your I didn't feel as handsome and sexy

But I was playing basically a sex offender now that I think about it but without a mustache are you really the sex offender but I also ran a company so clearly I wasn't doing so much sex offending

that I couldn't run a company Tom Sugar worked for me on a scale of one to ten how sexy are you? I'd say three that's it? Oh I didn't hear the rest of the question I said on scale of one to ten how sexy are you? I didn't hear the second. part. Yeah. I just said on a scale of one to ten. Yeah. And I went to three too soon. Yeah.

On the sexy scale, where are you at? I already know, but I want to hear what you think. Yesterday I was having a, I wouldn't say rough day. Okay. So you weren't barking? I wasn't barking, but I had to get somewhere. Okay. And I needed some coffee. And the first place I went, but I wanted an apple turnover. And someone got it. before me. So I left that establishment. They threw your laptop? Yeah. I left that lab. Wow. Then I needed gas.

I didn't have enough gas to get to the location. Okay. So I went to get gas, but that gas station was closed. Okay. Now I'm upset. I'm running out of gas. So I go to Alfred's in the valley. There was no parking. I needed coffee and just some nourishment. Yeah. I saw someone leaving and putting coffee in his car. I said, okay, this is a good spot. And then he put the coffee in the car and then left.

Okay. Now I need gas, but I need coffee also because I'm going to do some acting with Frankie Cignonas. Oh, wow. So I got gas. And while I was getting gas, I opened my trunk and I saw some extra large sweat jackets that were given to me by Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil gives me clothing. How random. Yes, he gives me clothing. But I realized they'd never fit me. Yeah. So as I was there pumping gas, someone pulled in next to me in a Dodge, a Dodge. What's a Challenger? Okay.

And he was a big guy. Okay. Double XL man. Fatty. And I said, hey, can I just give these to you? Oh. They're new. They're from Dr. Phil.

And he said, yeah. And I gave them to him. So I felt good. Oh, wow. So then I went to a coffee shop on Moore Park. and Colfax. Okay. I got my coffee.

Thanks for the street coordinates, by the way. Oh, but I went to park behind it, and there was no parking. So I parked on Colfax. Okay. So then I got my coffee, and I got a Danish, almond. Oh, God. More of an almond Danish, wasn't a croissant. Okay.

So I'm walking to my car. Oh, here we got. With the coffee and the Danish. Oh, God. I had this hat on, exact same. outfit. It's clean, the t-shirt. Oh, what happened. And as I was walking across the street, a woman, beautiful woman was

smiling at me, just smiling. Yeah. And I smiled back, and I got to my car, and I'm parked on, and I look over, and she's still looking at me, just smiling. Yeah. and I get in my car and I pull up a little and she's still at the light it's a long light long enough for this story yeah almost too long well it's to get to your question yeah and I rolled down my window she's looking at me and I said is everything okay

and she smiled and she said you are a very handsome man oh And I was, for a moment, just stunned, like I was plucked by a blowfish, which are poisonous. And I said, occasionally, I said, occasionally. And I said, you are very beautiful. She smiled, and she pulled away. I may have pulled away first. Okay. You pulled.

I pulled away, and I made my right, because I was late for film. me you didn't give her a pair of pants before she left i should there should have been more involved yeah but when you say on a scale of one to ten yeah how sexy are you yeah kirk fox yesterday 10 10 today today 12 i still feel some of that strength that this beautiful woman yeah gave me And I even told the woman I live with, the wife, whatever the word is. Yeah. I told her the story that a woman said I was a very handsome man. And she said, was it an old lady?

I mean, what the fuck? Wow. To say that. Yeah. I was an old lady. No. It's a young woman. your age, she couldn't, she couldn't handle it.

At least she didn't say, was it. And she is, my wife is half my age, but I like to say she's the good half. Yeah. The half with the money and the tits. She has tits. She's got tits, two. Two. Two. Wow. And that's probably why I married her. For the money? The tits. Oh, what about the money? Well, the money's clearly not. As much as I thought, I thought there was more. So it really was for the tits. At this point, I like to say I married for land, because I'm old-fashioned. Well, how big are they?

She has about an acre of tit. Those are biggies. But the problem is, I didn't realize I would have to be taking care of the land. Of the tits. And the land. Wait. I'm married for land, and then I realized I have to take care of. of it. Are we talking metaphorically land here, or are we now talking real land?

Real land. I feel like you were replaced... At first, the tits were the land. I would rest on that. Can we ask how big they are, or is that going way too far? How big the... I haven't seen them in so long. What would you guess? The size of a football, a medicine ball, a large Galapagos tortoise. How big is a Galapagos tortoise? They're probably about like this. Is there a center to that? Yeah. And how big is the center?

It's like an oversized ariola. There. Yeah. That's about... The size of them? Yes. Okay. And that's kind of how I used to play with them.

Like a tether ball. Yeah, I was looking for like a magic eight ball. You ever put them on a string and smash them around a pole? I would. I seem to be happy if I'm ever accidentally glancing at adult

entertainment which I I go out of my way to not watch pornography I don't encourage suffering but for someone who does not encourage suffering

I seem to enjoy when a man slaps the titty a little. Is that right? Just, but Whoa. So that's kind of, you mean watching another man do it?

Kind of when, I don't enjoy it, but it seems, I don't look away. So if you're accidentally watching pornography. If I'm accidentally, if I'm driving and I look somewhere

and I see pornography, maybe on a billboard, and it's fun to see, Or on your phone and your lap. It's fun to see boobs moving. That's fun to see movement. But when he's a little rough on them or she. Almost like an Italian father back handing his son.

Yes, it's definitely maternal to the breast. And the slapping, is it the act of slapping or is it the aftermath where you have that jiggling after the slap? It's maybe the redness. Oh, so now we're coming back. Back to Grandma. Yes, it's a full circle. Oh, God. It's just...

How red were Grandma's breast when she crawled out of the soup oven? I wasn't there, and I could probably... Soup on. I could probably track down that answer. Yeah. Because the paramedics, they can't all be dead. This was a long time ago.

Yeah, yeah. But, man, I would say they were fire red like an ant. Yeah, yeah. Like a fire red. Aunt. Yeah. Wow. Too bad. But she wasn't an aunt. She was a grandmother. Fire grandma. Uh, buddy, are you ready

for our final segment? Wait, have we started? Oh, sorry. Hang on. Folks, we are here at the harle. We didn't even talk about Abu Dhabi. What do you mean? Abu Dhabi. Not Abu Dhabi, but since I saw you, I went to Dubai

and I went to Saudi Arabia. What? You were in that Saudi Arabia Comedy Festival? Sure, I went over there. Tell me about it. Well, I'll tell you one thing. We'll extend this episode. No, I'll just tell you one thing about it is Riyadh. Yeah.

Because we were just talking about ants. And now we're talking about reading? No, Rioding. But I believe Riyadh is a city. I thought it was an activity when you open a book. That's true too. Pop-up book. Oh.

Coming. But they build very quickly there. Who, the ants? That's what we're getting at. I believe they're Indians. Indian ants. Well, Indians from India. Oh, in the East Indians.

I don't know if they're East. I don't know where they're from. Did they sound like this when they were talking? I didn't talk to them. Did they talk to you at all? Because if they sounded like that, they were most likely East Indian. In Saudi Arabia, they build things quicker than they do here. What do you mean?

I was in a mall. Oh, my God. And I asked if they had an Abercrombie and Fitch or Finch. I know you like birds. I don't know the word. Because I wanted to, there was a shirt I wanted. Okay. And they looked around the store, I mean the mall, and they did not have the store.

Okay. And I said, oh, I wish you did. And they said, hang on a moment. 20 minutes later they had an Abercrombie and Fitch They built the store That fast Wow

Because their labor force Yeah The Indians They're that good They're that fast Wow There's that many Yeah

Where they built a stadium in a week Because you have to work at night Because it's 140 degrees degrees. Oh, that's right. But the Indians... Sizzling. The Indians are such hard workers and quick. Yeah. And they team up that even ants, the ant, look at them and say, we got to pick up our step. Yeah. We got to step it up. We got to step it up. So that's kind of my takeaway from Riyadh. The answer, like, who the F are these guys? Yeah, they can do it.

And also, there was one scary moment. Oh, here we go. Well, I was flying from Dubai to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Yeah. On Saudi airline. Okay, makes sense. First of all, there's no alcohol allowed. In Saudi Arabia?

Yes, and I'm a two-drink. minimum. Yeah. So I was starting in a hole. Oh, you must have been Jonesing. Yeah. So I got on the flight. Yeah.

And I was a little frightened, just flying Saudi Arabia, with their history. Flying into buildings and whatnot. Yeah. The pilot, his name was Muhammad. Wow. That didn't help. Last name, Ali? I don't know.

I didn't hear the last name. All I heard was Muhammad. Okay. That was enough for me to shut down. At least you know you got a fighter in the cockpit. Yes. But as we were taxiing... I thought you said you were on a plane.

Yeah, but you taxi before you lift off. Okay. So now I'm on the plane. Yeah. And suddenly, over the loudspeaker, a voice. Ah. I'm going to do the voice, and you won't believe... Please.

Enjoy your flight. It will be your last. May the flowers of your family greet you at the end. I hope you said goodbye to your dogs. You will never see them again. Enjoy the flowers in heaven. That's what I heard. I think you've left out one important part. Please. Will you please raise your seats and lower your tables? No, that wasn't there. Okay. And I looked to my friend next to me. Yeah. And he had his headset on and he was just dancing.

He didn't care. And it was some, it turned out to be a prayer. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Enjoy all I'll fly, you will die. Yeah. Have fun on the, and you can't get on, have you heard it? I did it too.

When I went to Saudi Arabia, they do the prayer before you. Yeah, but the prayer is like, you will die. Yeah. Your miles on Delta will not, it scared. It scared the shit out of me. Yeah, it's about your journey into eternity. Yeah. I just wanted to get to Riyadh.

I just wanted to get to Cleveland. It's called the Dua prayer. Yeah, or Dua Lipa for the younger kids. Yeah, well, that's what my buddy was listening to Dua Lipa. Oh, wow. But I was just like, welcome, you will not land. and I thought... Right. And there's a video, a beautiful video

of a plane flying through the sunset and the golden cloud cover. So you've been there? It's terrifying. Yeah. When were you there? No, Zee. Did you go to Saudi Arabia as well? I did, but I went about probably six years ago. Oh, okay. Yeah. So same guys.

I don't know. Yeah, same guys. It's fun over there. Oh, it's wild. They laugh. They just laugh at the right spot half the country is under 25 years old wow so it was good we had a lot of oh that's great and they gave me a Porsche i just have to find a way to yeah get it back get it back that's like well maybe instead of driving but walking underwater to Hawaii go over there and drive your Porsche back yeah underwater i think next year they'll have alcohol yeah so you've contaminated them i'll go back but that

prayer yeah it's scary maybe the flowers greet you your family is dead enjoy your flight your miles transfer to delta but you'll never get them you're fucked i know this is what they play for real it's like of course for real are you telling are you telling your your audience i mean you did say you were an amphibian i said i might be that i i won't know till i take a deep breath underwater that's not real is it hey i would like to come back next time and talk about Chalasians. Okay, we love Mexican food here. And that's just a stye that goes ingrown,

and you have to have it cut. Okay, can we do that next time? Yeah, I'd like to come back for the Chalasian. I'd love you. We'd love you to come back. For now, we have to do our final. But you will not be here next time. Enjoy your flight.

Goodbye to your family. Enjoy your flight to hell. Yeah. Oh, who's there? Words from a wooden shoe. Oh, God. This is where you pull out a wood. word. Do you have to pull it out

and spray? Yeah. There's not a lot of choices. I know there's only two left so you got one or two. What if I pull out a corn? Yeah, maybe. This shit feels dirty. How's that cough? Not good. So have you been working in the coal mines

lately? Yeah, I got black lung. Oh, nice. Do you have a parakeet? I got three. Food poisoning. Here we go. Wow. Talk to me, guy. about everyone's at it well i'll tell you something about about food poisoning and it comes back to Dubai again okay i did comedy in Dubai maybe 10 years ago okay and there was a connector flight in

turkey oh yeah and for some reason i got the fish at the airport on the plane oh And I ate it on the flight from Turkey to Dubai. Oh, dude. And when I landed, I felt things were not going to be pleasant. Oh, God. And for the next four days, things left my body as they entered them. The fish was swimming, huh? The fish was swimming, and boy, I was on stage, and there may have been water exiting.

Oh, dude. So, yeah, I have had... Good thing you're an amphibian. I have had food poisoning. Oh, wow. Is that what you mean? Yeah, we wanted a food poison story. Yeah, that was it.

Oh, God. But I'm a fan of it. It just feels good. Well, you know, there is something to it. It's like people go on these cleansing diets. Yes. And they purge and they do all this stuff. But I've got to say, as miserable as food poisoning is,

when you come out the other end, no punitive. intended. Yeah, like the blowfish. You feel completely almost like you got a new body. You feel like your innards have been completely cleansed, like someone in with a pressure washer and just cleaned you out. And then you start fresh. Yeah. So that is the silver lining. Oh, it's silver. You want to go eat some sushi down at the gas station? That's fine. Let's do it. You just don't eat on a, no fish on a plane is kind of what they say. Wow, no blowfish on a plane. Maybe. Maybe a sailfish. Maybe.

Something that can fly flying tuna. Yeah. This was great. I can't wait till next time. Well, next time we'll do the... You're not going to be here. Next time. He scares me.

They should have a nice voice. Yeah. Hey, welcome to Saudi. Okay, things are cool. We love you. You're going to have a nice flight. Oh, my God, you're dead. How about just a gay flight attendant showing you how to put your seatbelt in?

And at first, I thought it was the pilot. Yeah. I thought it was Grover from Sesame Street. You're going to die. You know the voice. But how about just a flight attendant to give? Hey, gang, put your feet belt in the thing. Put your tray table down.

Yeah, that's why Southwest. That's why America works. I fly Southwest. I'm not worried about my family. Yeah. But it's over. What? And then you take off.

If I'd heard that prayer while we were still at the gate, out. Out. You would have taken a taxi. Yeah, because there's no. There's no booze on the plane. Goodbye. Thank you for flying Saudiia. Kirkie, tell the folks where they can see you.

Nowhere, man. Leave them alone. You don't want to know his social media. You don't want to know his comedy schedule. I have no schedule. Yeah, there's nothing. We're lucky we got him to come out of his basement, right, Kirk? Yeah, I have some movies coming out, but you'll know about them.

Yeah. I don't know when this airs, so I can't really. We don't know anything. Don't promote anything. We don't want you to. Just out there. Everyone just be safe. You know, go to Riyadh, man.

Yeah, learn to Riyadh. Stay at the St. Regis. Yeah, or the St. Philbans. Yeah. Folks, that's it for today. You've been on the Holland Highway with our very special guests, our number one guest,

Kirk Fox. Until next time, Chicken Chowman, baby. And Kirk, do you? I want to say anything to you? your underwater friends before we go. Soup on, man. Soup on.

Soup on. Soup on. Soup on. Coming, soup on. Coming soon. Get a coupon for your supon. Finish on that, Jack. Done.

Bye. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday? It's your anniversary. It's your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the top. you want me to discuss give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for

yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to cameo.com and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized Harland well we're here today sadly to talk about The world is, it's seemingly more and more chaotic, wars breaking out, political divides, assassinations, killings, people being targeted, communities being targeted, religions, ethnicities. It just feels like sometimes we're in this big mashup of chaos. and a lot of us don't know how to process it, don't know how to handle it, and so we thought

we'd reach out because I think a lot of us are feeling trauma from it, what we're stressed by the chaotic nature of what's going on in the world, and I believe that, you know, there's one individual that can maybe help us kind of organize our thoughts and, and feel our way through this, a man who's very worldly, who's very seasoned in dealing with a human conflict and tragedy and chaos. Let's bring in a very well-respected military man from the United States military machine,

sergeant, corporal, French lieutenant, staff major, captain, Green Beret from down in Camp Pendlington. It's Colonel Left Lieutenant Tom Dowdy. Are you there, sir? Hello? Yes, sir. Tom Dowdy? Sir?

Oh, go ahead. Yes, sir. It's a Harland Williams calling from the Harland Highway. Thank you for your time today, sir. You're welcome, citizen. Always proud. Always very proud to do my part as a member of the American military. Well, thank you, sir.

And that's exactly what we wanted to touch on today with your military experience. and background, your worldliness. What did you call me? Your worldliness, sir. Your sense of the world? I'll tell you what the world is, Sennelian. Yes, sir. Round.

Pardon me, sir? Round. Do you know about shapes? Shapes, sir? Rectangles, squares. And the weird one that lives at the end of the street. that nobody likes to talk about. Sir?

Triangles. That's right. Shapes. And guess what the world is punk? Uh, sir? Round. Yes, sir. The world is round.

Round. Like the ball that rolls down the beach. You know what that's called civilian? Uh, sir, why are we talking about balls on the beach? the beach? Beach balls. They're really fun. They're red, white, green, all kinds of fun colors. And they roll down the beach when the wind pushes them. Sir, are you okay?

Oh, I'm okay. But why don't you knock on the door of planet Earth and ask if it's okay. Sir? Knock, knock. Uh, who's there? Planet Earth. Planet Earth, sir? How about a fuck storm? Sir? That's right. Planet Earth is in the middle of a raging fuck storm right now. The wind is blowing.

The ice caps are melting. The rivers are swelling. The earth is shaking. and Granny's got an apple cobbler in the oven and it smells like hot piping diarrhea. Sir, I'm not sure. Can we just sort of veer back towards we wanted to talk about the state of the world? What do you think I'm talking about civilian?

You think I'm sitting down here in my bunker? Sir? You think I'm sitting down here in my bunker, playing with toothpicks, a dirty dog collar, and a bag of Spanish onions. Sir, why would you have those three things in particular? Does a raccoon like to eat its sister's face in the middle of the night? Sir? You heard. Sir, did you say a raccoon?

eating its sister's face in the middle of the night? Well, you laugh it up, fun boy, but that's what happens. That's called the cruelty of the world, a wreck. Sir? A wreck. Sir! A raccoon will eat its own sister's face if it gets hungry enough. If it gets its hairy little fuzzy back up against the wall,

you bet your shaved pink-ass cheeks a raccoon running its own sister's face just to stay alive I see sir so okay I think we're sort of starting to get into what I was talking about how it feels like the world's eating itself alive is that what you're trying to say

bingo picture yourself in a raccoon nest in a tree okay you've got a brother All right. You've got a raccoon sister. Sir, do you have a cold? I got a cold, and it's right in the middle of my heart.

Sir? My heart has grown cold because the world's turned into an Arizona shitstorm, and the weatherman just ran out the back door with that shot. chocolate vibrator, a bag of sour cream and onion chips, and a wig. A wig, sir? That's right. The lady that does the 5 o'clock news where the whiff... Sir, are you okay?

Shut your tarantula hole and listen to me. Tarantula hole, sir? That's what they call you down at the YMCA. I don't go to the YMCA. sir. Oh, I think you do. And all the old men in the locker room with their testicles hanging down, so they just brushed the top of the carpet.

They call you old tarantula hole. Sir, what does that even mean? It means you're ripe, you're pink, and you're ready to be eaten like Jeffrey Dahmer sucking down chicken wings on New Year's Eve in the middle of Tahiti. Sir, have you been drinking a little because I feel like we're drifting in and out of what we're...

I don't drift. You want to talk about drifting. I was in the Vietnam jungles of Bienn-Bienfu. I did a tour at duty that lasted seven and a half months, Pilgrim. And I drifted through those jungles like a spaghetti fart coming up Italian mother's ass

just before she sat down on a wooden toilet seat in Sicily. Sir, can we not talk about Can we just... You've never been in theater of war civilian. I suggest you

watch your mouth. I was entrenched so deep into the jungles of Bien Ban Fu. I had to make a tent out of my own saliva. Sir, how was that? even possible. Have you ever seen a Chinese silkworm shoot silk out of its little puffed up red silkworm anus? Sir, we're not here to talk about silkworm anuses. Oh, they'll spin it,

and they'll spin it. It looks like they're farting icicles, except it's a web, and they'll spin it around their own body until they're cocooned, cocooned like your mother's legs after they've been trapped in a fucking freezer at a serial killer's bonfire. Sir, have you been sipping the booze? Listen to you, Seleon. I laid inside a saliva tent

in the middle of the Bien-Bien food jungle in the middle of the night, and I listened to the cicadas chirping in my ear, Like smoke detectors, walking down the street, sniffing slurpees from a 7-Eleven that burnt down 14 years ago. What are you saying, sir? I'm talking about ghost slurpees. Ghost slurpees? Yeah.

How do you get a slurpy out of a 7-Eleven that burned down 14 years ago? I don't know, sir. Sir, civilian, you don't. But when you see a slurpy walking down the street from a 7-Eleven that burnt down 14 years ago, well, that ain't no regular slurpy. Sir? That's a ghost slurpy.

And you know what ghost slurpy say, civilian? What, sir? Boo. Sir, can we... If you don't... All due respect, sir. No. Sir?

Are you scared yet, civilian? Sir, I'm not going to be scared of a ghost slurpy. There's no such thing. Sir, with all due respect, are you drinking? Oh, I'm drinking, all right. The human body can only go four days without liquid. After that, you dry up like Orville Redenbocker's bed sheet. after he's been dry humping all night, day-dreaming about Dolly Parton rolling down the side of a hill

in a dirty Walmart sleeping bag. You got that whore. Sir, please don't call me whore. Now, if you want to know why the world's full of chaos, it's because human beings are engineered to hate each other. That sounds a bit harsh, sir. Oh, hatred burns in the hearts of many a man. In fact, most human beings thrive off of their hate. That seems like a very negative view of the world, sir. I'm not talking about the world, civilian.

The world is a garden of Eden. The world is God's paradise, giraffes walking around with their nine-foot-necks. hippopotamuses spray and manure all over the riverbank with their tails flapping back and forth like a propeller and lions chuking up zebra meat so well marbled that it looks like they swallowed a barcode Sir, what are you talking about?

Have you ever seen a zebra civilian? Yes, I have, sir. What color are they? Sir, they're black and white. And what color is a barcode? Black and white, sir? So if a lion swallows a zebra and pukes it up, what's it puking up? It's zebra meat.

Sure. Why don't we go with that? Sir, the world is... The world has been fucked up. God laid an egg and called it perfection, trees, oceans, atmosphere, gases, solids, waters, you name it. He made up the chemical compounds of something we call life. And I know to you, civilian life is a bowl of cereal with 2% milk and your sister's snot bags. Sir, what is it? What? God gave us paradise.

He handed mankind the keys, and we turned over the ignition, and we shot diarrhea right out of the tailpipe, and we're driving down life's highway, and we're spraying like a John Deer manure spreader that just sucked down seven crates of X-Lax from a Vietnamese loading dock. Sir, you know, in a way, you're sort of making sense. Oh, I'm making sense, civilian.

But you know what doesn't make sense? What is that, sir? What doesn't make sense is why human beings. Sir, are you okay? Sure, I'm okay. Let's go with that narrative and pretend that we're all okay. So you're saying we're demented as a Chinese dolphin sucking plum sauce out of a spring roll after it laid out all night on a water bed and sniffed dolly part and skin marks until its eyes blew out of its face.

Sir, spring rolls don't have eyes. Sure. You just keep telling yourself that. Sir, what were you saying about the world? What I'm saying, civilian. Human beings are greedy. They're self-centered. And if they can find anything in the world they hate you for, they'll find it.

What does that mean, sir? Well, if we didn't have borders, and we didn't have countries, and we didn't have religion, and we didn't have things that we stood, Yes, sir? Well, guess what? What, sir? One group of human beings would hate the other group

of human beings just because their eyes were a different color. Meaning? What I'm saying, civilian, is human beings will always find a reason to hate each other.

They don't like differences. They like conflict. What would happen if there were no borders and no fucking religions and no power structure? The people with blue eyes would gather on one side, and the people with brown eyes would gather on the other, and they'd point each other with their long, bony fingers all full of arthritis and diarrhea onto their fingernails, and they'd say, you've got blue eyes. you're bad

uh sir hold on garlic bread teeth sir and then guess what the blue-eyed people would stretch out their long skinny amicinated arms

with meat hanging from their flappy arms like Oprah Winfrey had that beet wing hanging under her arm and they'd point at the brown eyes and they'd say you're bad and then they'd go to battle

because that would be the only thing left to what I'm saying civilian what are you saying sir is human beings will always find

something no matter what it is to go to deep dirty bloody war sir as

as a Roundabout as it took you to get to that, I don't, there's some sense there. I don't know if I can argue that. It seems like human beings will always find something no matter what. They go. Now, why don't you go find a cob of corn, sit on it, and go sit in the steam bath, and let the cob of corn pop, raid up your pungy ass. Sir, stop.

Are we clear, civilian? Sir, I guess I am, but... Let me tell you something before I go. I spent nine years fighting in the Vietnam War. Yes, sir. You've talked about that over and over. I was in the Biennian food jungle, and there were nights where I had to sleep on an ant nest, just so I wouldn't be found by Charlie Company.

Yes, sir. And do you know what ants like to do in the middle of the night? No, sir. Well, when you're laying there on an ant nest at two in the morning, there's a full moon over your head and chipmunks are fucking each other in their peanut galleries. Sir? Those ants smell you. They smell the sweat dripping from your poor.

They smell the tears coming from your eyes because you're in so much pain of the hordes you've seen in the middle of a tropical jungle where corpses are lying around like somebody just dropped a bag of Frito's corn chips. Sir, if we... I'm talking to Lillian. Yes, sir. Those ants like to get up and crawl out of their tunnels from deep under the earth's first, second, and third. layer, and they get up on your skin, and they do a Vietnamese barn dance. Sir, what is a Vietnamese barn dance? They get their little skinny legs, and they start dancing around on your human flesh,

and then they get to pinch you with their mandibles. Sir, that sounds horrible. Do you know what a mandible is civilian? Is it the pinchers on the front of their mouse? Sure. You call them pinchers. I call them shit-staking, flesh-eating, epidermous fucking cancer biters. Wow.

Imagine laying there, naked on an ant-tail in the middle of the night. Why were you naked, sir? Shut your gob hole and let me finish my story. You got a lot of nerve cutting me off. Well, there's a cob of corn popping up your deep purple. My deep purple? Figure it out, Ferris wheel face. Sir, Ferris wheel face!

Ants will slowly pick you apart, like a fat lady at a 24-hour buffet, stuffing shrimp in her mouth, till her cheeks puff out and people think she's playing the bagpipes. She just stuffs them, and stuff them like a dirty whale shark sucking sea creatures into its giant mouth

and then when her fat cheeks can't hold any more shrimp she barfs a river so violent you could canoe down it with canal reefs and suck melodews through a child's fucking crossed eyes sir i i think we might have to go something about this isn't just something's a little i think what you're starting to see is the world is chaos and there are no answers and if i haven't sir i think i get your point now oh really well why do we do something i call summarize you mean summarize this conversation Yeah, screw your 40-watt light bulb in and let me have it for fuck teeth.

Sir, I think what you've demonstrated here with this conversation sort of went all over the place. Yeah, I'm listening. I think you sort of, in a weird and brilliant way, kind of weave together this story of chaos and disconnection and there are no answers, and chaos lives in the hearts of men, and the world is, we're never going to find solutions, and no matter how much we talk and how much we try to think and rationalize, it's just we're never, ever, ever going to get to a place of harmony and solution. Crap.

Slap. What are you doing, sir? I'm clapping. Congratulations, civilian. You finally figured it out. Human beings are driving down a street. It has no speed bumps, no stop signs,

and no rest stop where your fat wife can go down into the restroom, pull down her stretchy Lulu lemons, and drop a giant three-hour fire log. Sir, please. Shut up. What I'm telling you is this shit storm doesn't end. Oh, yeah.

You may sit through a shower in the middle of the summer. You may go through a blizzard in the middle of the winter. And you may go through a spring fucking rainstorm at the beginning of spring. But you know what never comes to an end? I'm afraid to ask, sir. the human shit storm so you get your umbrella up and you put your butt plug in

and you turn your feet in just a little bit so that they point inwards and you start walking down the street like a snowshoe crab and when you get to seafood land you tell the seahorse that I want to punch him in the nose. because his sister smells like a bag of rotten celery.

Sir, okay? Okay is right. Now, are we clear civilian? Yes, Lieutenant Commander Tom Dowdy. I think we're clear. I think you've sort of made a roundabout point. Yeah. Well, why don't you go into the fridge?

Grab your bottle of apple cider. Put a cork in it. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you smell like the filament inside a 70-fucking watt light bulb. Uh, yes, sir. Are we done? Yes, sir. Thank you for your time.

Get on a moped and drive to Bermuda and suck starfish meat out of a trumpet, you dirty, smelly, grave-dicking whore. Sir, if you could shut up. Sir, Dr. Professor. Whoa! Folks, I don't know if that... I mean, is there a method to that madness? I mean, I, hello? Wow.

Uh, okay. Thank you, Colonel Doughty. Uh, that's it, folks. And you figure it out for yourself. Uh, whoa. Whoa, I got to go. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator. At Fandual Casino, you get even more ways to play.

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