The Harland Highway - KIRK FOX is here with private eye work, solving a soft drink mystery with good Ol' Dr. Pepper!

Episode Date: March 10, 2026

Thanks for watching the Harland Highway .This episode is sponsored by: Chubbies, Select Quote, Hims, and Betterhelp! - Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/HARLAND - To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit Hims.com/HARLAND - Life insurance is never cheaper than it is today. Get the right life insurance for YOU, for LESS, and save more than fifty percent at SelectQuote.com/harland - Chubbies is here to keep you comfy and looking good year-round. Get 20% off with code harlandhighway at chubbiesshorts.com/harlandhighway #chubbiespod More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=enMore Kirk Fox: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kirkfox/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/foxkirk/X: https://x.com/kirkfox?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Business. So join the more than 400,000 Canadian entrepreneurs who already count on us. And contact Desjardin today. We'd love to talk, business. Well, hey, hey, hey, everybody. Welcome to today's podcast. Before we get going, a little reminder, March 13th and the 14th in Eugene, Oregon at the Olson Run Comedy Club. On March 26, I'm in Monterey, California at the Golden State Theater.

This is a gorgeous theater, Monterey, California. Come on. The Golden State Theater, March 26. and March 27th, I'll see you in Seattle, Washington at the Neptune Theater. So grab your tickets now, come and laugh, bring your friends, tickets at harlandwilliams.com. I'll see you there, gang. A few announcements before we get gone. March 24th, very special episode coming up.

My buddy Will Ferrell was here on the highway. We're editing it now, and you know what? Here's a little sneak peek, but make sure you show up for the Will Ferrell episode. Very fun. I love Will. We had a riot. Take a look of this clip. Okay.

Okay, so I'm Eric Dickerson. No. You're Bruce Dickinson. Bruce Dickinson. Boy, we're having trouble with names. Yeah, we are. Wow. I'm Bruce Dickerson, and then I come out and I need more cowbell.

Hey, listen, Charleston. I really liked what I'm hearing in there. But I gotta tell you, would I make a meatloaf? I put extra gravy on it. I put mushrooms on that meatloaf. But it ain't tasty until I have more cowbell. I think there's one more. Great, yeah.

So make sure you watch the Will Ferrell episode March 24th. Be sure to subscribe to the Harland Highway. and at the end of this episode, we have another special bonus. Audio only, Lieutenant Commander, Sergeant Tom Dowdy checks in. He's our military expert, checks in on all the ongoing wars happening in the Middle East, the Iran conflict, everything that's going down right now, hot, hot topics. Only Lieutenant Colonel French commander Tom Dowdy can put it all into perspective. And lastly, it looks like we might finally have a release date for my movie Wingman.

It looks like mid-May, I've been told. So details on how you can watch Wingman will be coming very, very soon. With all that said, thank you for being here, my loves, my tender, tender loves. And let's have some fun with our man Kirk Fox. We're going to bring Kirk in every six weeks because we have so much. fun with him. So he's going to be our first like reoccurring guest that comes in on a six week rotation. I love this guy. We had a riot today. Buckle up. Get your Dr. Pepper and let's go down the Holland Highway. Dr. Pepper eats a beverage, not a real doctor. Was he ever a doctor?

Do you have any real question about our product? When is medicine not a serious question? Perfect. Do you have any other questions? Is there a doctor... Salt? Salt? Dr. Salt or a Dr. Pepperoni, even. Okay, I'm going to be disconnected the call right now. So wait, you're telling me you're a P.I.

Like raspberry, blueberry, rhubarb, apple? What kind of pie? I don't know. Is it on yet? What? You did it to me again. Wait, let's move. No, is this on? Have you started? Yeah, yeah, we did.

What's wrong? Because I always tell you, I'd like to know when it begins. Okay, we're beginning. Because I was talking about something that maybe I didn't want on yet. You said you were a P.I. You don't like Anya? What's wrong with her music? Is it Piaanya? I said, I want to know how far back you had started

recording. Well, we just, why don't we just say we're starting now, but this has to come down just a bit. No, we had it where it was. I know, but if we do that, we block your gorgeous face, and it is gorgeous. We took a photo. It's curious gorgeous. We took a photo, and I liked it. Remember, your friend came in here? Right. And took a photo, and it was perfect. But if you could put it down a bick, unless you want to, you want to look like half face, who was also an Indian warrior chief who conquered Wisconsin. Okay. Do you want it lower?

A little low. There you go. We don't want half face. Okay. I want to hide the double chin maybe. You don't have a double chin. Maybe it's ego. You want a waffle now?

No, let go. God, you're on fire. What do you mean? You just ask for an ego. Let go of it. Let go of my ego. Let go of your ego. Okay.

Oh, so your headphones are on now? Well, you never wear the headphones. So I'm not even going to, I mean, they're there if you want. want them, but you never put them on. You're the one guest that never... Do you know why? I don't... I'd love to know. Because you're yelling. I do. So I can hear you perfectly. Oh yeah, maybe I'm too loud. Yeah, so why would I have those on when right now I can hear you? I drove up the driveway. Yeah. And I heard you. Let me make sure this is off. Your phone. Yeah. I don't like to be interrupted during our time together. Maybe I'm too loud. I don't know what else we have to talk.

about? I feel I've been here so many times. Yeah, you're the most honored guest. Is it an honor? Yeah. All right, your honor. It's an honor. It's an honor to have you, my guy. Oh, gosh. Okay, how's the posture? I comb the hair. It's probably too handsome. You're all in denim. You're like a denim cowboy. You've rode in here on a denim. I've always said, if the apocalypse hits, I want to be ready. I don't want to go home. I just want to leave. And I live close. Yeah. And I, if the apocalypse hit, I don't want to go check on the family. Do you think there is going to be an apocalypse? Oh, it's brewing. Not to be negative, but do you think the end of the world is coming in a fiery ball of flame and hell? Not to be negative. Not the end of the world. What? I remember you got your

Drifty I. No, I was... Your people like it, your people like it. They're like, oh. I'm just asking. You know, you say something and then you look. You bring them in. That's nice.

It's just a reassurance I get from my followers, my 12 followers. So the apocalypse is brewing. Okay. But it's not going to be the end of the world. It might just be a simple reset. So who survives? Well, I definitely will.

How do you know? Well, we can talk about it if you need to know why. I'd love to know. That's a big topic. Usually we scale it down. We talk about tidly winks or tadpoles or noodles. I had a physical, a neighbor of mine, I guess, is a doctor or says that he is. Does he have a Ph.D. after his name?

There's a Ph. I don't know if there's a D. He has a few letters. PH is just, isn't that the balance of your hair? Yeah. Or your shampoo? He's got great hair, but he has an office. It's mobile. And I guess he's a doomsday prepper.

Oh, wow. And he said that I will be leading the resistance. How does he know? He said, I'm tall. Yeah, that's true. He said I'll be able to pick high fruit. Okay. distribute it to the shorter people,

which was surprising. I thought, so there's no ladders after the apocalypse, no tall, just, you know, one tall, no one's climbing. He just said, because I'm tall, I would be the leader of the resistance. Resistance to what? He also said to whatever it is that we're resisting. And I told him I needed to know,

but he also said, I'm quiet, so I won't give away our location. But if it's an apocalypse, aren't you basically resisting a nuclear mushroom cloud? And I don't care if you're 6'12. You ain't winning that fight. 6'5. You ain't beaten up on a mushroom cloud

full of nuclear waste. I mean, you're implying that it would be a bomb that levels it. Oh, right. How presumptuous. It could be anything. What could it be now, as the men without hats once saying? As a man, what? Without hats?

I think it was who can it be now. My mistake. I said, what could it be now? Who can it be now? Is that men without hats? From Australia. Whatever had? Were they at work?

What happened is someone about... Were they men at work? No, there were men without... Oh yeah, there was men without hats who sang, you can dance if you want to. And then there was men at work. So, yeah, men without hats was Canadian. You're coming in so loud.

I don't know if I can... What's too loud? You know, just everything about you at this moment. Let me turn myself down. Well, just... Let me turn myself off. I'd like it to be conversational. Okay.

Here we go. I'd like us to talk with each other and not at. Yeah, I'm yelling. Like you were yelling. Did you feel that or no? No, but I'm glad you brought it to my attention because now I've lowered it. Yeah. And part of it is you're sitting in a mountain range.

And so I kind of felt the necessity project. Like you're on the other side of the, you know, I feel like Heidi and I'm yodeling. to you. We didn't, there was no need for an echo. I just thought we were talking, but that's why when I sit down here, it takes me a moment just to get a feel for the environment. Environment, environment, environment.

Yeah, talk with, not at. You're coming pretty hard. Hard, hard, hard, okay, now you've gone the other way. That's the echo. Oh, I got you. I was doing the echo. I thought now you were going to be extra quiet. No, no. I would say, could you go a little louder? and then you'd say you'll never happy. I was illustrating because some of them don't know what an echo is.

And when you said it, I was trying to illustrate it. Do you have followers that don't know what an echo is? Oh, yeah. You better believe it. I have followers that have never even seen gum, like chewing gum. Gum's rare. It's a commodity. But yeah, my doctor said I'd be leading the resistance.

So that's the denim. He also said I don't require a lot of water, said I'm basically a succulent. And it just, I guess, so everybody's safe. He said I'll be taking care of everybody, which I can. I'll make sure I thought about it after he told me. But I'm confused because you said you're going to be taking care of the shorter ones. Well, that's just food. Right, but in an apocalyptic world of survival of the fittest, aren't the short ones the food?

Like, don't they get eaten immediately in a survivalist environment? Of course. Like, I'd pick up a shorty and eat it in a second. I'd eat it like a cob of corn. Like, if there's a door for a midget, I'd twirl it around and strip it like a cob of corn. I'd like to keep some of the shorties alive to maybe help me out. But I had, I wanted to put all the women in summer dresses because they're going to be doing their own laundry, something cool. and boots.

I would like I'd like them to have ankle support. They're going to be doing a lot of running. Women are. Do you really want a woman in a flowery spring dress during a nuclear snow? Yes. You do. I do.

Okay. So I was going to help the women pick out their outfits. They can just wear something cool. Guys can wear anything. Aren't the stores closed after a nuclear blowout? You can kind of go in. and get what you want. So you're going to help them shop.

Yes. And the gentleman I thought would wear shoes with flashing lights on them. I thought that would be fun. Because a lot of guys, I've done some research after he told me this. A lot of the guys will be chasing women at night pretending to be like motorcycle cops. So that's why they would have the shoes with flashing red lights on them. So let me get this straight. Get it straight.

You're the leader. of the post-apocalyptic world, where every second could mean life or death, survival is hard to come by, and you're taking time out of your post-apocalyptic day to go window shopping for dresses for the women? Yeah. What a leader.

You are a leader. And I told the doctor that, because I know some CPR. Okay. I don't know all of it. You know, I know a lot of the CP. Yeah. I don't do a lot of the R, but I'm old school.

I do a lot of chest. Oh. And mouth to mouth. For the women. For the women. And I do mouth to mouth because I want to be kissing them if I bring them back to life. A lot of people are against mouth to mouth. Will you do the Heimlich maneuver naked?

If I have to. I'm not going to be wearing a lot of clothing. Yeah. What about a loin cloth? Like a leather loin cloth? Yeah, I'm going to be relaxed. I pitch you in a leather loin cloth and your body smeared with chipmunk blood. I mean, that's fine.

I just, it's what I see. There's nothing wrong with that. Now, I will say Harlan, right? Harlan. Where? You're Harlan. Yeah. Okay.

Harlan, I did have other plans. Like what? For the resistance. I didn't plan on being a hero and saving people. Yeah, yeah. I mean, also, I was going to divide people up into the strongest couples, whatever will make the best babies. So there's breeding? Breeding.

I know a lot of people would think we're already a couple, but I was going to decide. But won't there be deformities if you're breeding in a nuclear environment? There's no cameras. Who cares? No one's taking photos. Be deformed and embrace it. So if your kid comes out with. three legs and six eyes and that's a lot potato bottom yes oh the more eyes the better after the

apocalypse you want to see the threat you want to see the threat oh creepy i had other plans what were they what were they oh what were they i wanted to body surf naked where just ocean i I just wanted to body surf naked and let the salt water dry on my testicular. I just wanted to lay in the sun. I wanted to make beer, IPA. I just wanted to teach tennis to supermodels for hand jobs. This is what I was planning. Because in the future, there's no money.

So soft hands, Harlan. If you're not cocoa buttering, you're missing out on an opportunity to get free tennis lessons from Kirk Fox, hand jobs. I think maybe you should just comply with nature, lay down, let your eyes boil in your skull, your skin peel off your bones and turn to dust in four days and just blow away. And forget about all this tennis, surfing, all this post-apocalyptic recreational program you put together. So you want to just check out. No, I want you to check out. What are you going to do after the apocalypse? I'm going to Arby's.

Will there be an Arby's pot? I will say. The meat will be there. Arbyes might be one of the only restaurants that can survive. Because it's already pretty toxic, correct? Nuclear. Is it nuclear or nuclear? I think they microwave over there.

But nuclear or nuclear? Do you know? It's nuclear. Nuclear. Yeah. So clear. Nuclear. Yeah.

But I think Arby's the infrastructure, the building will be completely vaporized, but that meat will still be there intact. Wow. So you're going to Arby's. If there's a nuclear war, I'm going to Arby's. They got the meats. All right. Why don't skeletons buy life insurance? I'll tell you why, because they don't have the guts.

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Okay. Which is a big, that's a big day after the apocalypse. Okay. We've seen looting. Yeah. It's like Black Friday. We've seen it. Yeah.

We've seen it in L.A. A lot of looting. I like to take my time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. when I shop. Oh, wow. I want to try things on. I don't want to run into a store and grab five shirts and then go home and nothing fits,

but you have no receipt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think after a nuclear blowout, I don't know that you need any of that. I don't even know if it's looting. I think it's just wandering and pillaging. Well, I'm not going to be doing any pillaging. Well, what will you do? Well, pillaging, I don't really know what it is, but it sounds loud.

Yeah. Like tipping cars, that's pillaging. I'll tip a car, maybe a small one, like a mini Cooper. Okay. If something's coming at me, that I'm resisting. I'm not going to be doing any raping. No, no. Raping, I'm against rape.

No, yeah. And Harlan, I'll tell you this as a friend. I'm so against rape that it's even my safe word. Are you serial? Like if someone's coming at me or looks at me, I will yell rape. Just for a bad look. I get it. And there will be a lot of raping after the apocalypse.

But not just women being raped. They will be traveling in packs. Yeah. I see women irritable. Packs of women. 15 or 16. Like a herd. A herd of women will find a guy who is broken off from his friends.

They will tackle him and hold him down. And someone will climb on top and they will shake him until he pops. And then they'll discard him like a one-time makeup remover towelette. But there will be rape. When they put a collar on them and just sort of drag him behind the pack and use them when they needed them? I don't think so. I think they'll always be able to find a fresh one. Why would they drag someone that's always a little spent and irritable?

Yeah. But when women don't have batteries for vibrator devices, they're going to be looking for men who have broken off from a pack. Yeah, the vibrators will probably last. A good battery will probably last about two and a half weeks after the nuclear bombs go off. Yeah. And then just ease.

And that's when the trouble begins. The day it goes quiet. Yeah. They always say after the apocalypse, there will be a moment of silence. Stillness. When the vibrators stop. Yeah.

And that's when the women will, they'll get together, the housewives of the planet. Yeah. Not Orange County or D.C. or Atlanta. Just housewives in general. And they'll just start terrorizing. Well, can I present to you on the theme of warrior sensibility, of tribalness?

Can I present to you something that I've got here today, which I think you'll like. This is called a Nigerian bang bang stick. And the Nigerian tribes in Africa use these for two things. They use them to put curses on people. Okay. And they also use them to smack owls and flamingos out of the sky. And it's a bang bang stick. It's a Nigerian bang bang stick.

I wish I had brought with me what my dad used to make. It was called a bamboo bonker. Whoa. And it was about 14 inches. Is that about 14 to you? It was half a year Nigerian, nuclear bang bang stick

half that bamboo golf ball on top I'll say I'll bring it next time okay and my dad wanted women to have this what did he call it a bamboo bonker

okay and I'd say it was 20 years ago okay and I see you in there I kind of like the look you can see me yeah Okay. You're behind there. Well, I'm not doing it on purpose.

That's fine. I like it. The reason I do like it is it matches your hair. Yeah. So it's kind of like who you are. So there's no problem with that. This reminds me of a young Rod Stewart, by the way. When you said hair.

Same body. Yeah. If you want my body and you think I'm sexy. Rod Stewart was skinny. Yeah. So that's probably his weight. Right. That's why I said it.

Wow. A little carrot top also. Yeah. But the thing is, have you ever done a curse? Because if you have a Nigerian bang-bang stick, have you ever had to hire a lawyer for divorce or after a car accident? I'd like to. I'd like to run my wife over with a car.

And then get a divorce? And a lawyer. Yeah. I would say she jumped in front of the car. Yeah. There's a lot of ways around it. But see, you could be incriminated for that, but if you put a curse, it's invisible. I put a curse on my wife when she married me.

Do you want to put a curse on it right now? She's got one. With a Nigerian bang-bang stick? No, I don't want to touch that because I know that's how curses can be transferred. You're a little afraid of this? No, I'm just aware of what it is. So if I put a curse on you, how would you feel? Probably energized, happy for a moment,

until the curse starts to take effect. What kind of curse do you want because I'm willing to do it? I have a bang, bang stick and I will travel. Tell me what kind of curse you'd like. I think I think I'm good. What about I curse you with every woman that sees you outside at an outdoor mall wants to plow you? Now, are these farmers?

Hotties, only hodies. But what does the word plow mean? Like sexual intercourse. Intercourced? Yeah. And I'm willing to do it with my Nigerian bang-bang stick. Can we maybe narrow it down to women I find appealing? Yes.

I don't want you to put a, could you put a curse on 16 large women to not attack? Okay, hold still. Gangdaela, Gangadda la. Nandand do gandu Langaa la, dangaali. Dangale, langa la, dangale. May I say something? I'm not finished.

Okay. Gangaengali, dangale. Chubby dangale for fatty dangale. Charlie, Charlie, wait, watches Gangaley. Sarah Lee kick. Chubb, chubby gangali. And there it is. I feel better.

I'm not sure that was Nigerian, because I played tennis in Nigeria. Oh. That was more Zulu from Cape Towner. You know what? Now that you're saying it, you're right. Let me do it again in Nigerian. Okay.

And then you hit it three times like you're smacking an owl. That's nice. How do you feel? I feel different. Okay. But I'm a little concerned about the first curse. Yeah. In a language, you don't know what you know.

I don't know what I did to you. I hope you're not out walking near traffic. I'll keep you posted. Let me just let you know what the... Keep me post-mortem. How about that? I like it. Let me let you know about...

bamboo bonker. Oh, yeah. What it was used for. I have a feeling, discipline, and child abuse. No, it was simple. There was a lot of carjackings in San Diego. Oh, wow. Shortly before my dad made his exit. And he created the bamboo bonker,

like we said about this long, had a little leather handle. Yeah. Golf ball on top. Golf ball. He got at a garage sale once. a whole, probably 50 of them, and he used them throughout his life. Golf balls? On the top of bamboo.

They called him bamboo Ben. Okay. And when someone reached in for the car, the woman would reach down, right, pick up the bamboo bonker, and hit the top. The top of the hand. For the car thief. What is that called scientifically the top of the hand?

The boner. The boner. top bone. No, but what's the, like, this is the sternum, and this is the elbow, but do we have a scientific anatomical name for the top of the hand? I don't think we do, and if we don't, I'd like you to name it. I'm going to tell you something as a friend. Okay.

You can call things whatever you'd like. Okay. It can be whatever works for you. But science doesn't like when you do that. Science is just some guy who's decided. We can decide, and it can be us. I just call it top boner. Okay.

Top hand bone. I don't know. It just doesn't feel scientific to me. You got tibia, fibia, scapula, and then top hand boner? What is that a circus act? Top handia, maybe. Tophandia. There you go.

Topandia. Topanga Canyon. Topanga. So she would hit him there and he would go, ow, and then he'd leave. Okay. He did not sell any. He gave a few away. So this was similar to the thing,

the thing you'd put on your steering wheel back in the 80s and 90s, the carjack thing. So it locked on the steering wheel. That was a lock. This is if a woman's driving and is susceptible. Right. Bonk. Bunk.

Bamboo bonker. Huh. And did these women not know how to purchase a handgun? This was, he was trying to just make it quicker, quieter maybe. Because I say, why take out the top of the hand when you can take out the whole face with a Glock? That's, that's more cleanup, maybe. You ever hear of a clock, a Glock bonker? Those are a lot more efficient.

I have. I'm aware of it. I don't know if a little wrap on the hand is going to stop a carjacking. Well, that's like some guy comes in your window with a gun and you go, hey, you, flick. I think I think flicking someone with a Glock is twice as deadly

but I I'll show you I don't know that I even want to see it I think you're missing I am of what it what it is the bamboo bonker I don't know the hand comes in reaches for the keys or the

vagiank you know men would come in and try and grab a woman's privateer and then hit the hand and say scoot or stop. Do not rape. I don't think if you go into the Museum of Weapons and there's a catapult and a crossbow and a machine gun and a machete, you're going to see a weapon hanging in the display case

with a Salinger 52 golf ball on the top of it. Question. I'm straight. Catapult. Okay. Was it used to shoot cats? Do you know? Yes.

But big cats. Back then they had the lot. There was before they were wiped out in the fur trade, there was a plethora of Siberian tigers, African lions, jaguars, pumas, if you shoot a cat at somebody, by the time the cat hits the target, it'll be so pissed. Right. Sometimes a flaming cat.

Sometimes you light them up. Wow. But here's the thing with cats, if you drop one off a roof upside down, it will turn over automatically and land on all fours. Claws flayed, splayed. So when you shoot a lion on a catapult towards some Romans or some Galileans or whoever it is, Nigerians? Nigerians.

In mid-air, that lion is going to write itself. It's not going to come in like a blob. It's going to come out with four paws with 10, 20 extended razor sharp claws and like cling to you like a... So it always writes itself. If you drop it upside down. Right. So if you drop it correctly, will it wrong itself and land on its head? No.

They always land on four feet. If you drop a cat, do you have an apartment building? I could get one. Okay. If you drop a cat off the top of it. floor, it'll twirl, but it will end up landing on both, on all four feet. What about women? They only have two feet.

And what will they land on if you drop off an apartment building? Their breasts, if they've got fake ones, and if they don't, they'll land on their ass. So if you drop a woman, does she balance out for the fall? If she has fake boobs, if she has implants, she will self-correct mid-fall. Does she implant before she self-plants? Yes. Because it's a self-defense mechanism. Tits?

Yeah. They're like, they're nature's throw pillows. And so when you go down, you're going to land. God designed you so you land in the most safe position. Okay, guys, ED doesn't mean that your love life is over. It means it's just getting started with personalized treatment options to help you take back control and spontaneity thanks to daily men. HIMS offers access to ED treatment options ranging from personalized products to trusted generics that costs 95% less than brand names if prescribed.

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started. Let's go. Mansfield had a rack. Yeah. Correct? Oh, yeah. Car wreck, decapitated. Yeah. She even had Iran from what I remember. Sweet. Decapitated, tits stayed strong. Correct?

Yeah, her head came off. Tits stayed. Yeah. And some even say that... Are they still good without... the head. That's the question. Yeah, yeah. But some say the aureolize and the nipples are sort of the feelers that hit the ground first. So she had an airbag built in, but it was too low. Right. Protected everything but her head. Yeah. And Princess Grace lost her was decapitated as well.

Who was? Princess Grace of Monaco. Who cut that off? And why? She was driving in a convertible on a mountainous pass and she ran into a truck and it severed her head according to the crime scene. The crime scene said that. Well, it wasn't a crime scene. The accident report. And was she okay? She couldn't say because she had no head. And this was a princess grace?

Did she say it? Grace Kelly was a prominent American actress. She was in rear window with... I know Gene Kelly. No, rear window was with... Who's that guy? Jimmy Stewart. Jimmy Stewart.

She was in... George Bailey. I don't know what you're saying about. Hey, okay. Would you like to read lines with me? Oh, I guess you can't because you don't have a head. That was Grace. That was a funny little character there.

Last scene we did, you were delivering your lines, but now you look like you don't have a mouth or a head there. You're a silly little fella, silly little princess. What'd you hit a truck coming down a tight mountain pass? I remember, you used to do these podcasts, but you'd make it kind of about the guests. But you've really kind of. They want you. I agree. Have you ever seen a motorcycle or a bike and they have a kickstand?

They're just supporting. But the real machine is the Harley or the Honda or the Yamaha. So you're just a kickstand. Yeah, I'm fine with that. But that's okay. Yeah. You're doing your role. It's easy for me to just be here.

This little fella here, he's just a, why, he's nothing more than a little kickstand on the side of an old Gracie Harley Davidson. Aren't you a little fella? I don't know when I'm allowed to. Well. I just let you go, right? Well, I guess, yeah. Okay. What I'd like to do, though, can I don't know if you've noticed.

but daddy, I mean, I have a cactus cooler. Yeah, are they your sponsor? No. Okay. It's just my, this is when I like to party, I like to party. I like a cactus cooler. Hmm, it sounds good. But what I want to show you, my guy, and you're not going to believe this,

and today we're going to do a little investigative reporting. Oh, good. I used to be a private investigator. You were a PI, right? I did some PI work. Raspberry or blueberry or rhubarb or Apple. What kind of pie were you? Well, how long before you got warmed up?

I used to investigate, and I did some behavioral profiling also. Oh, wow. So you made people stand sideways? Yeah, I'd check the profile. I'd look for bodies, and I used to hunt serial killers briefly. After college, I was teaching tennis, and dating a PI, a beautiful woman in Palmdale. So you were a PI, and she was a PI. So there was two pieces of pie.

There was two pie. And if you had kids, you could have made a whole pie. A little rhubarb for sure. Ew. But I lied to her and said I was a real PI, but she was. And we did cases together. Well, then I have a case for you. And I wrote a book recently.

Oh. It'll be out soon. It's called Palmdale. And it's about some of my PI work. Oh, wow. And look for that. Well, I want to, can you send us a picture of it? and I'll put it up right here.

I'll send you the book cover. Right here. We're going to, and tell me his new book, Palmdale, the days of his PI work, and where can they get this book? Well, they'll know that book will be there, you know, Amazon everywhere. And you wrote it yourself? I wrote it. Or did you have a ghost rider?

Like, did Casper write it? Did Poltergeist write it? I did the scribbling. Okay. There was no ghosts involved. It was just something I had to do. But, you know, this girl, this girl that was the PI, I made her my daughter. So it's not really, I don't want the girl coming back to me getting upset.

But we investigated a case and there was some excitement. I used to teach tennis in Bel Air also, so I tied that in. There's a lot going on here, man. Nothing like a private investigator with a good forehand. You got it. Or backhand, loose, long and strong. Well, then I have a mystery for you. This ties in great.

Look on this cactus cooler. What do you see right there? I have bad eyes. Should I look? It's a phone number. Why is there a phone number? But whose phone number? That's what I want to know.

It says Cactus Cooler, 1-800-6-9-1. And since you're a PI... You want to call it? I want to call it right now. And see what the hell happens. mine. No. This is like you're almost on the clock right now. I feel like I'm on the case.

All right, let me call this number. I charge by the hour, so let's see what happens. And if anyone needs me to investigate anything, I'm back, I'm back at it. 5, 8, 9. Because AI is taking all acting jobs, right,

Harlan? Yeah, hang on. Thank you for calling Kierig, Dr. Pepper. leading producer and distributor of hot and cold beverages. If you'd like to speak with someone in English, please press one. Did you press one? Yeah. If you have questions on where to buy or availability, press one. If you have comments or concerns about one of the brands,

press two. For all other assistance, press three. Three. Three? You're the PI. Yeah, three is important. You want to hear a voice. voice.

Yeah. It's be advised. This call may be recorded or monitored for quality purposes. Okay. For more information on KVT's privacy policy, visit curing, Dr.pepper.com. Please hold and someone will be with you shortly. Why is it so?

That wasn't shortly. That was immediately. For calling, Dr. Pepper, my name is Kiara. May I please have your name? Hi, this is Mongo. How are you? I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

What about you? I'm really good. Mongo's doing good, thank you. So glad to hear that. And tell me, how can I help you today, Mongo? Well, we were wondering there's a phone number on the side of my cactus cooler. A 1-800 number on the side of my cactus cooler.

And I have a private investigator here, and he wants to know why there's a phone number on the cactus cooler. Well, this is a consumer-relations phone number. for a cactus cooler, which is part of curing Dr. Pepper. So this line is for any question that you have about the product or any issue that you have with the product. Okay, well, my lower back has been killing me lately. Could I talk to Dr. Pepper?

Well, Dr. Pepper eats a beverage. So fortunately, Dr. Pepper can help you with your lower back ill. Wait, so Dr. Pepper does not exist. This is Mongo's PI. Say it again. Does Dr. Pepper not exist? I'm sorry. But Dr. Pepper eats a beverage, not a real doctor.

Was he ever a doctor? This line is for no doctor. This is beverages. So if I'm dealing with arthritis, or the pain of psoriasis, can Dr. Pepper prescribe anything for me at all? Sir, as mentioned before, Dr. Pepper eats a beverage.

So I can... Something that you can drink. Is there a number for Dr. Pepper? It's impossible that a can or a bottle of a beverage can can help you with an eel. Well, let me... If you have a meal or you do not feel well, you can definitely go to the emergency route or call your real doctor. But is there a number? Excuse me.

I have a sore throat right now and I'm putting... about the product? I'm putting cactus cooler on my neck and it feels like it's helping. Now what does Dr. Pepper say about that?

Do you have any real question about our products? Because if not, I'll be disconnecting this brand call right now. When is medicine not a serious question? Well, this is not a line for any medical question. This line

is for questions about beverages. Okay, well, that's what we need to know because we saw a number on the cactus cooler, and then you mentioned Dr. Pepper, and we wondered if we had called the doctor's office. We apologize. Yeah. Perfect. Do you have any other question? Is there a doctor... Salt?

Salt? Dr. Salt or a Dr. Pepperoni, even. Okay. I'm going to be disconnecting the call right now, and this is a prank call. So if you have any other question about cactus cooler or any other product that we own it, you're more than welcome to give us a call back. One question about, is there a cactus in the cooler? Is there cactus in the cooler? I love that song. Oh, wow.

Yeah, let's keep that on. Is that, was that Ava? I learned a lot. I think the health care in our country, no wonder they call it shit. when you can't even get Dr. Pepper on the line. And the fact that Dr. Pepper doesn't exist and won't help us. And that there is no Dr. Pepper, that to me is false advertising. Yeah.

An 800 number directly to a doctor and she's telling us he's not even there. Yeah. And she can't help us? Unless it's beverage, we're people. Yeah. What do we drink our doctor? Hello, I'd like to come in and sip my. doctor, please.

And she has a job. Wow. She's getting paid. Hey, can I just say something? I hope me and you never get sick in this country. Because apparently Dr. Pepper ain't coming around. Dr. Pepper is someone that I thought I knew. I'm glad you asked for Dr. Salto.

Yeah. And there's two of us. I don't know why we can't get Dr. Salt and Pepper on the line, because we're both individuals. And I'm from San Diego. So Dr. Salk is very famous. So Dr. Salt also has probably had years of being confused with Jonas Salk. Well, as a PI, we sort of unraveled.

But remember, not legal at the moment. License has expired and may be expired before it was even purchased. You needed 1,200 hours. I think two or three hours. I have as a PI, but a body was found and then it disappeared. Oh, oh. And that's in the book. I just had a, I think I might have just had a euphorism or whatever they're called.

What's it called? Youthful. Youthphorism. What's the word youth? Euphoric, euphi, euphi, euphemisner, act, euphamaisner. The Meisner system You fornicated? You fornicated?

What's the word you're looking for? I don't know. You had an epiphany? Epiphany. Tiffany? Tiffany Haddish. I want to call Tiffany Haddish. Call her.

I have her number. But what if we do this? Clearly they didn't want to talk to me and you the common lay person. But if Tiffany called? No. What if world famous, beloved. Superstar. What was the name of the guy?

Jimmy Stewart? What if Jimmy Stewart called? Call. See if you get her again. If they don't talk to Jimmy Stewart, I don't know what kind of country we're living in here. Tell her, let her know it's about Dr. Pepper.

Yeah. If she answers, they don't get a lot of phone calls. Yeah. 1-800. I should call. 696. 5891.

5891. And let's see if Jimmy Stewart can get through. There he is, there is, Dr. Pepper again. Hot and cold beverages. Does Dr. Pepper have a hot beverage? Does Dr. Pepper have a hot beverage? If you have questions on where to buy or availability, press one. If you know or comment or concerns about one of the blame,

press two. For all other assistance. I'll ask if we can drink a hot or cold. This call may be recorded or monitored. It's a recorder or monitored. For more information on KVP's privacy policy, visit curing, Dr.pepper.com. Please hold and someone will be with you shortly.

I wonder who it is. Shortly. And then immediately. They don't know shortly. Yes, thank you for calling you, Dr. Pepper. My name is Kiara. May I please have your name?

Yes. This is Jimmy Stewart calling. Thank you. And tell me, how can I help you today? Yes. I was wondering if you could drink Dr. Pepper hot or cold. As Dr. Pepper is a carbonated product, definitely you can drink it cold. If you get a hot, Dr. Pepper probably won't taste good.

What would it taste like? Could you tell me? Unfortunately, I haven't tried a hot doctor pepper, so I can not answer that. What if it's just a room temperature? What if it's just room temperature? It's not necessarily hot or cold, but it's just a room temperature. If it's a room temperature, you can definitely have it. Okay, then.

Thank you very much. I have Tiffany Haddish here. Do you want to ask a question? Hi, Tierra. Hey, do you guys have, you said hot or cold? He said room temperature, so I said yes. Okay, where would that room be? I'm sorry?

The room, where would it be? Well, I don't know. If you're at your house or at the doctor, it doesn't matter. at room temperature, it's like the normal temperature. No cold, no hot, just normal temperature. Young lady, this is a Jimmy Stewart. I think he's at Tiffany Hattersch's house.

Do you have another question? I don't, but maybe Tiffany does, Tiffany. Do you know where I can get a catalytic converter? Excellent question. Okay, thank you for calling Dr. Pepper. have a wonderful and beautiful rent-up here. Wait, we call Dr. Pepper? Thank you.

Oh, my God, there's that Dr. Pepper. Sorry, I can't get out of it. There's a Dr. Pepper again. So I learned a lot. Yeah. That's Tiara. Yeah. And she knows a lot, but not really.

Really anything. Like, she's a lot of talk, but not much substance. And she takes time before the answer, like she's checking notes. Yeah. Like, she probably has every question that's ever been asking. but not by Jimmy Stewart. And left us in the middle, or Tiffany Haddish, and left us in the middle of nowhere.

I didn't find out if we could drink it hot or cold or at room temperature. And I had never done an impression of Tiff. It was so good. Was it racist? No, it was bang on. All right, Tiff, I respect you. I did, I thought it sounded like you. I've heard you like that, but I hope it wasn't.

Why don't we do this? you have her number, you want to call her and just say, hey, I did you? And did you want to, I don't know if that's... I don't know if I want to call her.

Well, what if she's busy? Who cares? Has she been on this podcast? Has she been on this podcast? She's supposed to come on. She said she wanted to come on a few weeks ago. Let me just see. What if she's...

Just get a sampling of her voice and then we'll hang up on her if we have to. We don't care. This is about Dr. Pepper, not Tiffany has. I'm asking. Yeah. I mean, you know, you're a PI.

I know. This is a mystery. We got to solve it. And if I have to, I'll bring out my Norwegian bang bang stick or whatever the hell it's called. All right. I'm telling her, look at, uh, yeah. I said, can I call with Harlan Williams? Yeah.

Just did your voice. Yeah. While talking to Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper. Yeah, and if she hears that hook, that it's a medical situation, she's probably bound to play a lot. Wait, it says use messages via satellite. Is she not on Earth?

Oh, she's in outer space this week. She's doing a gig on Uranus. Yeah. Okay. We'll see what she says. Yeah. Let me know it's because this is a matter of American health care. I know.

Yeah. I'll see if she even responds. Yeah. You know, she's busy. Well. What's more? Are we too busy for our health? Are we too busy for Dr. Pepper? Look, hey, I'll show you this. Hey, gang, it's March, and that includes International Women's Day.

Yes, indeed. Let's give it up for the women, for the ladies. They carry a lot on their shoulders. And sometimes women have to manage unseen responsibilities, and their emotional well-being can sometimes be overlooked. So we want to sit here and remind you how much women matter. And as a guy who has four wonderful sisters, too younger, too older, I've been wrapped in women my whole life. So I know the young, the old, I know about it. And it never hurts to get. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health,

from the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full-body checkup that provides a clear picture of your health today. And may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer. The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started.

Uh, where are my gloves? Come on, heat. Winter is hard, but your groceries don't have to be. This winter, stay warm. Tap the banner to order your groceries online at walla.ca. Enjoy in-store prices without leaving your home. You'll find the same regular prices online as in-store. Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary.

A little help if that's something you need. And so we're going to invite listeners here today to reflect on the roles that women play and the pressure they feel and remind them that therapy can help create balance, set healthy boundaries and support overall well-being. So that's where BetterHelp comes in. Quality therapists, Better Help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

Your emotional well-being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash Harlan. That's BetterH-E-L-P.com. slash Harland. I wish I had help when I was growing up with my four sisters, but if you need it now, get better help. Okay. Oh, that's the cover of your book. If you wouldn't mind turn your, your light up. What, like that? No, your light on your phone. What do you mean? Like make it brighter. I can't do that. Okay, then let, let me hold it right up to, and then tell us about your

beautiful book. That's it. Read it. I'll read it. Okay, read it. Oh, God. Oh, God. This is really... We'll see if it was anything we talked about. Yeah. A mysterious dead body at the edge of Los Angeles County. A crooked trail from the suburbs to the desert. Remember I was in Bel Air teaching tennis? Yeah.

A grimy private eye. I'm grimy. By the way, you're yelling now. Sorry. Let's... His competent, deeply unimpressed daughter. And that used to be the woman I was dating. On the same...

You were dating your daughter? on the same case, way over their heads, if only they got along. And you wrote this? Yeah. You want to hear what some of the people have said about this? Are you talking reviews? Yeah. Let's see.

Here's some reviews for out in Bakersfield that's called. Fox delivers a tempting and briny brew of Pinchon and Bukowski, a greasy gamble through the sun-baked and blood-soaked corridor. of the Southland. Ken Nolan said that. He's a screenwriter, Black Hawk Down, Transformers, The Last Night, The Amateur.

Here's one from David Spade. Oh, boy. I thought this was very well done, and believe me, I wanted to hate it. Here's one from Tom Seguer. Oh. Fox has always had a mind that is prime for crime.

Thankfully, he used it to write a story instead of realizing his true calling, career criminal. That's from Tom Seguerra. Yeah. And here's one from Kevin Neeland. These are all of our friends. Wow. Yeah. Wow. What a world Fox has created.

It's amazing what you can accomplish while under house arrest. Congratulations, Kirk Fox. I mean. Oh, dude. I mean, you know. This sounds like a must read. How many pages is it? About 280.

Oh, that's too much for me. Do you have one that's about 12? Well, let's see what Tiffany says. Uh-oh. Oh. Here we go. All right, let's see. Let's see what she said.

Oh, this is her response. Message send failure. Does that mean it did not get to her? So let me get this straight. You wrote a book, but you don't know how to send a text. No, I wrote the book on a computer, not a phone. It just says not delivered. Is it because of where we're at?

Did you really write a book? I just read some... I know, guy. But when you can't type... a text. Do you expect any of us to believe you wrote a novel? Let's stop the facade. I mean, what's it look at all? Let's cut the playtime. You didn't write a book. About the author. Would I just write about the author? That's it. That's one page. Kirk Fox is a comedian. Well, actor, writer, and former tennis pro. This is all coming into it.

He starred in the Emmy nominated TV series jury duty, reservation dogs. And most recently, bad thoughts. He also played sewage job. I mean, this is... Okay, but when you build a car, you don't build the bumper and say, here's a car. You got to fill in the rest. You don't write a page about yourself and then run around telling everyone you wrote a book and there's no book. Okay, when does there have to be a book? Well, maybe someday. I'll work on it. Are you all right? Because I'll call my doctor. Pepper? I'll call Dr. Pepper. I'm as, it's, I'm already, putting words correctly spelled.

Would you be willing, can you open the book and read us a paragraph? Yeah. Then maybe that will help somewhere in the middle of the book. Okay. Just pick a page. Okay. And read a paragraph and then maybe we'll believe you. Why don't, look.

Do you want me to read it? Can you read? Jimmy Stewart, Ken. Okay, look at, I mean, look at my name at the top. Okay, let me let you. Why don't you pick a paragraph anywhere in there? All right. Can you read?

Well, I can, but Jimmy Stewart can. Wait, how does it go back? You're on the last page. Put it in the middle. I said, scroll this way, bro. Oh, there it is. Stop, right there. There's a book.

Okay, Jimmy Stewart. Okay. Stalking man intended to kill her. Joe saved my life, she told them all. You call him Joe, a detective asked? Oh, yes, yes. She told the man, and she handed him a business card. She handed her cards out to anyone she spoke to.

And she went home, slept. And she, a little fella, came back to the hospital. Now, she and Joe were rumbling down the 14 again on the commute between the high desert and the sprawl of Los Angeles. Wow. You think that's why they've called us down to pay us? I think paying us, their reward, is the easiest way they'll keep us from blabbing about their family dreams, Joe said. Hey, pull over.

Let me get a burrito. I'm famished. Wow. Wow, dude. You can write. Jeez, that was almost like a text. It was a text. Oh.

Is that what you sent to Tiffany? I texted. Oh, you tricked me. I texted the whole book. Oh, trickery. So that's kind of, you know, give it a month or so. It'll be out of Amazon. You get some early.

I don't know if people in the Amazon can read, but good luck. Who cares? That's where I'm getting a books. I'm doing a book signing. I'm doing a book signing in the Amazon. Okay. That's all you do. Anyone can write a book.

book. All right. Well, we talked about a drink. Now I have a little PI mystery that I might have solved for you. It comes around once a year. It's called Thanksgiving. Heard of it? No. You've never celebrated Thanksgiving. I don't get it. What year? Once a year. What year? Every year. It's like a birthday, but it's for... You said one year. Once a year. Once a year. I thought you said once year. It's once a year. Like you have your birthday and every year, once of your turkeys have death. Okay. And what is this day? So you're sitting around the table with the family. Everything's copistetic. Everyone's happy. Everyone's cheering. And then daddy gets up with the bird, the turkey. What do you want? White meat or dark meat? Wait a minute. So there's different color meat?

There's different color meats. And everyone's always like, I want white meat. And there never seems to Sounds racist? It's a little racist, but then it's not because it's both colors. Okay. So on its face, it seems racist, but then when you get into it, well, you're saying dark meat and white meat. So Ebony and Ivory. Okay. And can you have both?

Well, this is the thing. There's more dark, there's more white meat than there is dark meat. Is that because it's America? No, that's because it's racist. Okay. Now we get to the racist stuff. Once you peel back the crispy golden skin, it's really. racist. So there's skin?

What colors the skin? The skin is Mexican is brown. Okay. Mexican. Skin's brown. Golden bronze. Golden.

Mexican brown. Okay. So there's never enough white or dark meat. Gotcha. And sometimes you're pulling, you're pulling apart a bird guy. Yeah. It's you're fishing around. Sometimes you get a bird dead.

It's dead. And sometimes you get a little. little dark mixed in with the white. It's not... What's the day called again? Thanksgiving. You're giving thanks for this fucked up bird that's dividing your family. And the bird is giving to us.

He already gave. He's dead. So it's thanksgiving, really. But here's where I have done a little PI work, and I found a way to resolve the white meat, white meat, dark meat debacle. This Thanksgiving... Paint it just one color? Nope.

Ready? I'm ready. Go zebra. Forget a turkey. Have a zebra Thanksgiving. Clearly defined white meat, black meat, white meat. It's dark meat, light meat. It's easy.

It's already patterned up. And you cut it at the angle so you... Just cut it out. Or do you cut it so that you have a little of each? It's whatever you want, but it's there right on the skin. It's already there. It's already there. I want some dark meat, boom, there's a big black stripe.

I want some white meat, boom, there's some white meat. I mean, that's good thinking. So to fuck with turkey. The zebra takes a Thanksgiving zebra. And a turkey's only about 14 pounds. You get a zebra, it's about almost a quarter ton. 20. Wait, how big is a zebra?

Oh, it's almost the size of a big horse. If you drop a zebra, how's it land? It lands on four hoofs. But if you drop it, it from a huge height and it splats, it turns into a barcode. I like that. Yeah. Behooves you.

But at least you know what they're going to charge you for the cleanup. Man, you're always thinking. It's science. Yeah. But anyways. I like the zebra. I think it's a great idea. Right.

And there's more than enough leftovers. I love hearing about this day. Yeah. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. Where did it come from? It started with the Pilgrims land and murdered. every Indian in this country, slaughtered them, cut their heads off, scalped them, stole their land,

and decided to have a dinner to celebrate. So that seems like a celebration, but not for the natives. No, but they're not here anymore. They've been obliterated. So what we do is we eat turkey, stuff our faces, get fat, fart, and go poo in their memory. That's not nice. Well, they don't know they're not here. There has to be a few left that aren't happy about it.

Probably hiding in zebra skins. I don't know how I feel about Thanksgiving if it's celebrating, taking land and killing. Okay. Well, I'm just trying to learn you something. Speaking of learning. Is it that time? I saw a woman the other day standing in front of a field with a bunch of books and some chalk. And I said, what the hell are you doing standing in front of this field?

she said, I'm a preschool teacher. And I said, you mean because they haven't built the school yet? Yeah. And she goes, yes, I come here every day and one day. So she's literally pre-school. So pre-building. One day, she says there's going to be a school here. And she says, I can almost hear the voices of the kids and the gunshot and the, and the classes.

Yeah. And so she's preschool. Maybe a bulletproof preschool. Might be good. I'll look into that. You better look into that. that. You're a survivalist. I'm a survivalist. And then here's the other

thing. Okay. I saw a naked man the other day. And it wasn't you? It wasn't me. Okay. It was a guy standing there in the middle of the street, a 45-year-old man covered in placenta with an umbilical cord. And I said, yes.

And placenta is what? That's the shit on babies. Okay. And he had an umbilical cord. I said, what the hell are you doing? He said, I'm born again. And I'm like, Christian, and he said, yes. And that was the only way I knew because he was dripping in placenta, and the umbilical cords, a giveaway.

Placenta, that's bananas. Oh, no, you're thinking, that's Baskin Robbins. What's it called? Plantin. Plantin. Yeah, it's a Cuban, a Cuban fried banana. A Cuban placenta is a plantine. Well, they taste similar, and that's a.

where you're getting mixed up. So if you eat a fry a banana and eat it and then eat raw drippings off a newborn fetus, very similar taste. That's where Dr. Pepper would come in. Yeah, Dr. Pepper could tell us. He probably has delivered babies. And eat them. We should find out if Dr. Pepper could deliver a baby.

Are you saying what I think you're saying? One more. Oh, my God. Thank God we found this number. Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second about my chubby shorts that I wear around on the beach and whatnot? You don't think I'm getting looks from the lady. You don't think people are checking me out in my chubbies?

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Tiana. Tiana. I'm a P.I. Okay. Let's see. What was the question. Can Dr. Pepper deliver babies? What an excellent question.

Thank you. Wow. Okay. Or how do you get placenta off? Have you ever heard of that? If Tiana answers again, I don't think there's a pretty big call center for this. I don't think so either. I'm starting to wonder if Dr. Pepper's understaffed.

So does she? work for Dr. Pepper? I think she might be a nurse. Find that out. Yeah, she's Dr. Pepper's nurse. That's why it takes a few calls to really find our stride. Yeah, well, that's the art of being an investigator. And then that should be enough for today, right? And distributor of hot and cold beverages.

If you'd like to speak with someone in English, please please please. If you have questions on where to buy or available. There we go. Please be advised. This call may be recorded or monitored for quality purposes. For more information on KDP's privacy policy, visit curing.com. There it is Dr. Pepper. Shortly, and then they're always immediately. Thank you for calling Curic Dr. Pepper. My name is Nemesis. May I please have your name?

Hi, this is Shrimpie. How can I help today? Yes, I had a question about Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper, please? Go ahead. Does Dr. Pepper deliver babies? For quality assurance purposes, I will be releasing the call now. Where will you be releasing it?

Because I don't... So he does not. He doesn't, no. Doesn't touch babies. I guess he's a family doctor. But to release the call. Yeah. Dad got...

Wow. That got official. Yeah, there must have been a memo going around the hospital, and they were like, no more Dr. Pepper. But was that Tiana or someone else? That was Shashta. No, but was that not Tiana? No, that was Shoshwana.

Who was that? I don't know, but I think Dr. Pepper was in surgery because she would not talk to us. I'm going to release the call now. Wow, to where the wilderness, to the wild, to the heavens? So you're free. We're free, guy. Mystery's solved.

It took three calls. Three calls. To be released immediately. Three calls to be released. And you can release by yourself under your blankets at night. If you want, I let it go. I let nature decide. Speaking of calls, I, do you believe in miracles?

Of course. Look at us. I was outside the other day and it was a cloudy day. Outside of what? Outside in the yard and it was cloudy. And the sky's all. opened up and I heard giggling and I looked on the ground and I don't know I'm this is like a miracle but look at these I looked up there was angel farts these angels were and every you know when we fart it's like

yeah that's not how I do but I know people that have that tone right but when angels fart it sounds like a harp it's like so how does it sound when they hit it's almost silent they're like angel Farts and they're dropping all. I thought there was a hailstorm. So someone was they were farting on you. They were farting all around. Do you? They were around you? Well, they were up in heaven and I guess even angels have to fart. Yeah. And so the skies opened up and I gotta tell you. If you're up in the sky, angel Farts. Oh, I love it. If you're up in the sky, Farland, there's going to be pressure on your colon.

Because I know that when I fly. Yeah. They're squeezing. So this is just an angel being an angel. Yeah. Well, you know what's fun is sometimes you'll see people, especially college guys. They'll be like, mm-mm-mm-mm, and they'll crack a fart. The angels have these giant wings and they'll be like, flap, flap, flap, flap, and then the heart music.

That's nice. Yeah. So anyways. I love it. Angel farts. Yeah, who doesn't love angel farts? Our last segment, words from a wooden shoe, my guy. Pick out a word.

And what do I do again? You see if it sparks a story from your wonderful, incredible journey, Kirk Fox, author, author Kirk Fox. That's right. Yeah. What's the word? Girl on period. Here we go. I might want one of these.

Now, what is that a, what is a period? That's when a girl hits her menstrual cycle or it's when it's... So she's on a bike? She could be on a bike. So a menstrual cycle, is that like a unicycle? She's a circus girl. So am I supposed to tell you what I know about this? Is there a story somewhere in your sordid author past

where maybe you were out with a girl or you were trying to, make love to a girl? I've never tried to make love. Yeah, it just happens. It usually has to happen by accident. Okay. If there's effort, but I'm not familiar with this.

There was never a scenario in your life where... Well, I don't believe it exists. The period. Yes. Do you believe in werewolves? Yes. Okay, when the moon comes out, well, that's what the period is for a woman.

So a woman is aware of wolf. A woman is aware. Now, where would this period take place? It would take place between her legs. So the vaginal area. The vaginal. So girl on a period? So there's a period there and a woman gets on it.

So that would tell me that the woman could avoid it. Oh. Woman on period. On period. If you see a period. Oh, my God. Your water just broke. I got it.

Okay. good. If I see a period, I will avoid it. But has there ever been a scenario where you were with a woman or a girlfriend or your wife and she had a moment or she stained her pants? How would you know? What is? She said, I can't do anything. I'm on my period or she got mad at you because she was on her period. You're an author. You write books. Why am I helping you write the scenario here? Questioned. Because I'm learning about something. As an author, you research a topic before you write about it. What are some of the characteristics of a period? Anger, testiness, hatred, murder,

forensic files on CNN. I've seen all of that. Okay, put it together. You're an author. That is every woman I know. You're an author, period. You should know about the period if you're a writer. And what else?

So anger, rage, testimonial. Cramps, seeing red, O.J. Simpson. Okay, that's a period. Right. Avoid it. Turn it into a comma. Help the flow. Calm. Comma.

Comma. This two shall pass. Past. Period. Period. Our question mark. And when does a period become a question mark? That's the question.

Yeah. So, girl on period, make it a comma. I've never known a girl to be on her period because I just thought this was, Woman. What you were describing is woman. Woman on period. Just woman period. Woman period. Like that's how a caveman says it. Woman, period. And then everyone runs for the cave. Yeah. See, what confused me is you have the word period followed by a period. So that's two periods. And this is an author gang. This guy writes for a living. Well, not really a living. But girl on period. And girl implies youth.

I can't even talk about it. You're having trouble with three words and you wrote a whole book? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen. I will tell you this. Those three words in that order are not in this book. And there's thousands of words. You're giving me a headache and I'm going to have to see Dr. Pepper.

Folks, Kirk Fox, comedian, actor, author, please get his book. Tell them one more time where they can get your book. Well, nowhere yet. Oh, we were plugging something that doesn't exist. Yeah, that's the beauty of it. Are you on your period? Yes. It's called Palmdale.

Yeah. A couple months you'll find it. On Amazon. Yeah, everywhere. Everywhere, gang. I'll be a bookstore signing it, talking about periods. Folks, we ran out of music. We ran out of time.

That's it for today. Until next time, chicken chow main, baby. Kirk, thanks for being here, buddy. Angel fart. Have an angel fart. Angels on periods. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly?

It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh? You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a. a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Camio.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.

Okay, well, boy, oh boy, these are exciting, strange, dangerous, unpredictable times. We have a lot going on in the world, especially the floodgates of open in Iran. We are at war with Iran, the terror state. So much to digest, so much to go through. And who better than to take us through the theater of war than our expert, Tom Dowdy, Colonel, Lieutenant, French quartermaster, Sergeant Major, Navy, Tom Dowdy. Sir, without further ado,

are you there, sir? Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir. Thank you for joining us today. It is my... Yes, sir. We appreciate your time. I guess you're busy down there at Camp Pendlington doing... It does the United States know what to talk on the...

No, no, sir. I wasn't asking if you to divulge anything. I was just saying that you... Please, pursue. waterboarded. Waterboarded, sir. Sir, I wanted to touch base with you on the Iran conflict. What's going on? Operation Thunderhammer, whatever it's called.

It doesn't matter. Okay. Operation Sprad them wide. And what country is that, sir? Your wife. My wife. What, sir? Yeah.

Sir, that's, this is. isn't what we're talking about it and I don't have a wife sir I don't have a wife barbara no I don't have a wife what do you talk can we stick with Iran sir talk to us about the strategy of going into Iran how they they kind of did this in the middle of the day their first attack sir I understand sir we do have quite a powerful force. Should divide us gums we do.

Um, sir. Now, if you want to come after the United States with your rinky dink, Tonka toy weapons from the 1700s, like a little bald

baby covered with placenta, coming after a woolly mammoth with a can of sour cream and onion pringles rammed right up his mammoth hole. Oh my God, that's a bit of a weird analogy. Oh, it gets worse.

You try to throw your little firecracker rockets at the United Spound and send Barry Manilow's vibrator, jacked up on Brokeback Mountain Monkey Grease, and that's what you're going to get rammed right down your throat. Oh, sir, the analogies. And here's wider than the gap between your wife's leg. Sir, stop with the wife. There'll be a city.

You want to come after the United States of America with a fighter aircraft carrier that's got a gap wider than your wife's monkey jungle. Well, you're going to pave you over like a bumpy road that leads all the way from Brian Adams' puckmark face to surely... Sir? Sir?

What are you talking about? Shirley Temple's curly wig. Can we get back to Project Iron Hammer? Boom. Big Daddy Firecracker burning schoolhouse, the pinwheel, and that giant sparkler that gets right in your eyes and light your hair on fire like Perry fucking pimple tits. Sir, what is Perry Pimpletit?

That's cool. You know that all these operations, iron fire hammer, pecan skillet, Chuckie cheese, midnight disaster, midnight hammer smith. These are all just diversions. What are you talking about, sir?

There's one operation you probably don't know about. Uh, okay. Operation. Green eggs and ham. Green eggs and ham? You're going on the edge of it because a mouse snuck into the restaurant in the middle of the night.

And not goblin. Sir, I don't know where this is coming from, but what are you talking about Operation Green Eggs and Ham? You stand in India. Your gum. What do you talk, Sister Christians? What? Wait a minute. What are you saying? You're saying that this whole Iran war doesn't mean anything?

Oh, it means so. Okay, what? You're the expert. Yes, sir, I have two eyes. Well, as we're discussing, Iran, sir. I think everyone else is looking at. Iran? Ham. You keep mentioning green eggs and ham. What are you? You keep mentioning green eggs and ham. What are you talking about?

Fushin like a big skin mark right in the middle of David Copperfield's magic underpants. What are you talking about Operation Green Eggs and Ham? Wait, what? Greenland. It's a big piece of real estate that you won't see on any of those fairy boy reality shows. Sir, Greenland? Yeah, you think Donald Trump wants Iran a little piece. A poo sitting in the middle of the desert, but nothing but misery. And Chuck E. Cheese children that could...

Wait, what are you saying? Greenlands, the everybody's got there watching. Hi. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me that Iran's just a... Diversion. You ever heard of it? It's like when five gas station jobs,

and opens them again for the boys that work at Best Buy on the line. loading, doc. Would you stop talking about my wife? I don't even have a wife. It's called a diversion, tinsel tits. And guess what? Well, everyone's looking at Iran.

Imagine that little pile of camel shit in the desert. But there's not even a resistance in Greenland, sir. There's only like, like, I don't even think they have an army. Oh, yeah, and a man named Orlock. Orlock? Who's Orlock? So the community leader. And he also works at the Lingenberry stand on Main Street. A Lingenberry? What the hell?

You ruin the hammer thing. The commander in chief's ploy. You look at the sparkly, jingling silver car keys. And he's taken over the greenies. What are the greenies? the Greenland People, civilian. Hold on. You're saying that strategically, Iran isn't the big enchilada.

It's just a diversion so that we can capture Greenland that... Yeah, look what's bigger. You ever look at a map gumbo-shunds about the size of 73 Iran stuffed in a shrimp bucket, shaking around, and dropped on dolly. pardon's front doorstep. Wait a minute. Now, there could be something to this.

Oh, yeah, there is. I've been in the theater of war my whole career civilian. And if you don't think I know what I'm talking about, you can get a bowl of Campbell's cream of mushroom soup, put a funnel in your face,

and drip it into your fat, empty skull until a family of fucking muskrat lays an egg. Sir, I don't mean to be insensitive. Have you been drinking? Maybe. Are you okay, sir? Yeah, I am.

In the Bien Bien-Bien-Fu jungle. Have you ever been there, civilian? I don't think I've been to the Bien-Bien-Fu-Fu... Food jungle, sir. Well, let me tell you what, it's your C-3-P-O-R-D-2 pajamas, Walmart, blankets, and sheets. I was out there in the jungle of Bien Bien. You antedars. Side of Barry Manilose, fat, smelly man cave. Sir, if you could stay away from these analogies.

Some took cricket's chirping. Shurping. Banging the skinned bones of... Wait, you're telling me that they bang the bones of American soldiers? Like a dirty kettle drum. at a Boston Pops orchestra. Whoa, that's intense. So when I tell you, I know what I'm talking about, civilian,

you better stick your head in a bolus. Sir, okay, well, you know what? Then I'm glad we called you. Because I think everyone listening is like, holy smokes, here we go, I ran, I ran, I ran. And yet right at the beginning of President Trump's tenure, right out of the gate, he said, I'm going to take Greenland.

And so what better way to take Greenland, which is 50, 100 times the size, 400 times. The size of Iran is to make it look like you're bombing the hell out of Iran. And if you would land, you'd see the U.S. Navy, the Navy seals, the U.S. Army, the U.S. Air Infantry, and every other American military asset we have crawling up the shores of Greenland like melanoma cancer crawling up your wife's dirty ovaries

Would you leave my wife out of it? I don't have a wife, sir. Do you have dirty ovaries? Yes, I didn't. No, I don't have dirty ovaries. So you watch the news tomorrow, Pumpkin Pie Face, and you're going to see the 50, First state of the United States of America, Greenland.

And all those dirty greenies and their potato sack pants and their sniffy-wiffy shirts, Americans. And they're going to like the color green, just like your green wife's ass with... What? I thought you were drinking. Just like a stained ass. I don't have a wife with a green, sir. Okay, I think we've got enough here.

I think, you know, we asked you for your theory. We asked you to illuminate us on this. And, man, I did not think it would take this turn. But this whole Iran Thunderhammer thing is, It's a diversion for green eggs and ham. Why don't you go to bed tonight? Put your slippers on. make a nice cherry cobbler in the oven

take it out put it on your face and ask your wife to steam your diarrhea of soaked shorts sir i don't have a wife fuck off go suck a can of pringles and sniff your wise golden horseshoe ass sir i don't have a wife sir

sir what's he doing i don't what is i don't hello What the hell? Why does he insist I have a wife? I don't have a wife, but holy God, I did not think of this. Greenland.

Folks, I'm getting out of here, but check your news feed in the morning. I think we might have a new state, Greenland. Holy God. Why do they think I have a wife? God. Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie.

But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And, man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal.

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