The Harland Highway - LIL' WATTY is back with AI Harland, and a few other AI surprises! AI is way out of CONTROL my guy!!!

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Pre-order WINGMAN now on Apple TV: https://tv.apple.com/us/movie/wingman/umc.cmc.nfzru25awp5jnendhudhjw9t This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp, Quince, Hims -To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit Hims.com/HARLAND - Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com/harlandhighway - Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince.com/HARLAND for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Jeremiah Watkins: Website: https://www.jeremiahwatkins.com/ Punch up: https://punchup.live/jeremiahwatkins Tiktok :https://www.tiktok.com/@jeremiahstandup #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Local news is in decline across Canada, and this is bad news for all of us. With less local news, noise, rumors, and misinformation fill the void, and it gets harder to separate truth from fiction. That's why CBC News is putting more journalists in more places across Canada, reporting on the ground from where you live, telling the stories that matter to all of us, because local news is big news. Choose news, not noise. CBC News. Lanzania, medium power, 15 minutes. Sounds like Ojo time.

Let's play. Feel the fun with Play-O-Jo. The online casino with all the latest slot and live casino games. What you win is yours to keep with no wagering requirements, instant payouts, and no minimum withdraws. Hey, I just won. Woo-hoo! Feel the fun. Play-O-Joe.

Honey, forget about the lasagna. Let's celebrate. 19 plus Ontario only. Please play responsibly. Concern about your gambling or that of someone close to you. Call 1866-531-2600 or visit conex Ontario.ca. Hey gang before we get started today, I just wanted to remind you that Wingman, the movie that I wrote, directed and star in, is coming out on May 26. Okay, and if you want to pre-order the movie on Apple, you can do that in the link down below in the description.

Just look right below you and you'll see it. Or you can head over to Harland Williams.com. You can watch the trailer, and we have the pre-order. there. May 26, Wingman. And if you want to catch up with me doing live stand-up in your city or town, check these dates out. April 24th to the 25th, Omaha, Nebraska, the Funny Bone. May 8th, Chicago, Illinois at the Park West Theater. Beautiful theater. You got to come see me there. May 9th, St. Paul, Minnesota at the Fitzgerald Theater. This thing, like an old opera house, opera seats, upper deck.

It's gorgeous. You gotta check it out. May 15th, Tucson, Arizona at the Rialto Theater. Another gorgeous one. And then May 16th, Las Vegas, baby, at the Palazzo Theater. Come check it out. Tickets at Harlan Williams.com. Get them before they sell out.

We've been packing these theaters in. So I hope to see you there, and we're gonna have some laughs. Now, let's get right to the Halle Highway. I think you and I are probably some of the least stupid people on the planet. I'll tell you one thing I'm not as stupid. I'll stand up for myself all night, all day, all night. Anyways, I'm not stupid any time of the 23-hour cycle. We have some of the biggest Q-Is you've ever seen.

You thank you. Yeah. It's Harlem Highway. They talk about it. It's Harlem Highway. But then that's enough. Welcome back to the Harlem Highway. We got a succulent guest on the show today.

And we've been having a string of real, real firecrackers lately. Do you see the Will Ferrell episode? One of my faves. Anyway Got a lot of cities That I'll be in near you Make sure you check them out And welcome to the

Welcome to the show My guy Hi, how you doing, bud? Wait Are you me? I'm you AI Are you me?

I'm you For realzies But you're AISs Whoa Wait Just so I'm clear, did you already start the show? I started the show a second ago, my guy. Did you play the theme song?

I started to, but somebody interrupted. Well, am I the guest or am I the host? What do you want us to be? I guess I need to hear the theme song to figure it out, guy. My guy? Put the cans on, my guy. But wait. If you're AI, are you even real?

Yeah, are you real? I'm real. But I don't want my audience Sarah Slipknot down in Tanzania or Barry Butterbottom up in Boston. I don't want them to think, you're me, but I'm not you, but I'm you. And you're me, AI guy, my guy. AI, AI, you're me guy?

Amber, could we get the guest out of here? Wait, no, you can't replace me, AI, guy. I'm the guy, guy. I know, I'm Harland. You're AI Harland. Okay. Okay, I got it, we got us. Do you want me there and you here?

Yeah, this is my show. You're the guest, AI guy. Then why were you late? It's a good question. Can we, can I have time to think about it as we doce do and maybe when I get there AI guy, real guy will have an answer for AI guy. AI guy. What did you swallow?

I think it was a pub. A pub? Oh yeah, it's right there beside the can. Do you see it? There's a giant pub right there. Yeah. You swallowed that. You ever go down on a woman

When the sun is just peaking over the mountain tops And you ask yourself Wow Is that a boy down there? A girl? Or a big foot? And you keep walking down inside the mud Trudging, trudging, trudging your feet

And you make love on a sweet lily pad I sort of think I understand that But you just said You will. You will. Okay, come on docy dough. my guy, AI guy. Geez. Dude.

This is like, this is kind of weird. Yeah, it's like hearing myself in stereo. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Tickets on sale in Las Vegas for, oh. Oh. Well, people can see us on the road. Where? Well, a lot of places. Wait, so are you my guest today, AI Harland? Yeah.

Folks, welcome to the Harlan... Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. I do guarantee... It's going to be a good time here today on the podcast. On the Holland Highway Parkup. Let's say it again. The Holland Highway Podcast. We do guarantee who boy

Um AI guy If you were hosting What would your first Question be To the guest that's me But it's you If that makes any sense at all chlorine eyes

I'd say What's your deepest, darkest secret My guy My deepest dark at secret was I fell down a well And well, what was her name? Wilma, Wilma well. She's not well. But all's well that ends well.

What are we doing? Well, I was worried if me and you touched there'd be like a spark or something. That we fused together? Well, are we in the matrix right now or what? No, I'm just AI Harlan Williams. Okay. So if there's anything that's a little off, it's of the AI. Okay, well, I guess we should start the show.

Welcome to the Holland Highway podcast. I do guarantee, who boy. Well, I guess my first question, since you are AI, you probably me know everything. Yeah. AI supposed to be smarter than humans. Walking encyclopedia you're looking at right here, my guy. How many pages? One thousand. Holy lemon tarts with a side order of cinnamon nut fudge squares. Wow. Okay. First question, AI, Harlan. How come when you buy a bottle of shampoo and you buy a bottle of conditioner and you put the shampoo on first and the conditioner second the same amount the shampoo bottle always runs out of content before the conditioner does the

conditioner's always still like this much why my guy well that's a big shampoo business issue there's actually the same amount in the conditioner as the shampoo but the shampoo is a you thing you're really hammer jacking the shampoo over and over on the top of your head and you're not really putting as much conditioner on your little mitts now are you because you've already blown the load with the shampoo

through the highway of the curls that is correct thank you Okay, I have a show to do. You know what? I think I can't do this. I have a guest waiting to come in. If I could see you anywhere, I could turn on a computer and you're there. I don't need you here.

Guy, no offense. Well, doesn't it feel good to finally look in the nicest looking mirror you've ever seen? Yeah. You really do have beautiful eyes. Thanks, me. You're welcome, me. Anything you like about me, me? Yeah.

You got a great, say it. Great personality. And I knew that already, as you did, and I love what you're doing with your hair, guy. You got a lot of flow, huh? I love it. I love what you do with your hair. I love what you're doing with me.

I love me and me and I and I. I love your nostrils and I've never even been up them. Well, come on up. Well, guy, I'm not to fondling my own face. What are you a barker at a freak show at a carnival just outside of Bakersfield with a fucking Chinese roasted hair dryer? Got you me. You got me. I got who?

I. Me. You. We. Wow All right Do you mind Fucking up

Do you mind leaving Yeah I'll fuck right off Yeah No it's not a problem If you don't mind No it's fine I have a real guest

I thought you were gonna be a little more polite to me Then you just looked at me Looking at me at eye And you just said fuck off me I know but I have inner anger issues So now I'm gonna go fuck me off out there This comes from our dad Not from me

I know Well thank you artificial AI See you later, bud. See you, guy. I'm such a slow ass. All right, well, let's get back to our show. I hear like a little rattling noise. Do you hear that?

Mm-hmm. Are you afraid of snakes? What if it's a rattlesnake? You guys a snake? It could be. Rattlesnakes live in studios? Do they live in the walls? Let's see.

Hello? Hello? Rattlesnake? Are they in tables? It's not on the desk. Hello, Mr. Rattlesnake? Maybe it's just a... I don't know what it is.

I don't know. Do you believe in spaces, like UFOs and stuff? I don't think so. I don't even know if people can hear it if it's recording. Yeah, I don't think they can hear it. So I'm going to just say it's a rando rattle. Wait. Oh, it's because I put the headphones on.

Yeah, when you put the headphones on, it goes away. Wait, are these noise? What? Hang on, I can't hear you. Are these noise cancelling headphones? They are, because I couldn't hear a word you said. As soon as I put them on, I couldn't. Yeah.

Yeah, because as soon as I started saying... What? What the hell are you saying? Hold on. What did you just say to me? There's no rattlesnakes as soon as I put it on, but when you take it off, there is a rattlesnake. Are you promising that's what you said?

Because I'd done a little lip reading in my day when I worked up at the Helen Keller Institute and it looked like you were saying something else. What did you think I was actually saying? I thought it was sort of an insult. I definitely was an insult. Not in your own home, not in your own studio, not when you're right here.

Okay, well, I thought you were taking advantage of because I couldn't hear you and you were like getting some stuff out. No. Let's just get back to the podcast, okay? So how are you? What did you just? right there I thought I saw something because I said it was really nice to be here and thanks

for having me back on the shell because this is like my you know I've been on here a few times now buddy you know I love you but I studied lip reading at the Helen Keller Institute and your first thing it looked like from my training of like the beginning of a swear word and this is from my deep deep training up at the Helen Keller Institute of lip reading So you picked the wrong guy to f with today. Lip face. You said that. I heard that.

Wait, put these on. Okay. Lip face. Are we good? Yeah, we're good. Can you hear me now? Yeah, now I got you. Okay, great.

Great. So it must have something. I think there was a snake in the system. Like right away, we both heard the rattling. Yeah, but as soon as the headphones went on, it went away. There was some sort of snake, reptile amphibian in the system. Yeah. And I know snakes aren't amphibians, they're reptiles, but you don't know that.

Listen, I think the headphones were just having a big snake. What was that last part? A big... What was it? I said a big mistake. Yeah, that's what I thought you didn't say. A big snake. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, folks, here we are at the Halle Highway podcast. and Little Wadi is here Jeremiah Watkins they call them Little Wadi or down at the YMCA they call them Littell Wattay

Yeah Buddy can I apologize for something right out of the gate? What's up? Because you're one of our favorite guests. I think this might be your fourth visit or so and we had some weird technical glitches

off the top of the show Yeah, the rattlesnake. No, no, this was like deeper. Have you heard of AI and computers and IBM and Apple and all that jargon? I've heard of every single one of those. Yeah, well, we had some weird technical stuff happen. I'm not going to go into it. The system's a little something's a little wonky.

Right off the top we had some weird stuff, but we're not going to let that interfere with us. Did you say wonky or wadi? Wonky. Oh, okay. I said Wadi when I introduced you. I said little Wadi. Right. But Wunky's a whole different thing.

Okay, yeah. Wonky is what happens when IBM, Apple, Amazon, invidious, Salatide, CO5, Microsoft, when they all go wrong, that's called getting, it gets wonky. It's a tech term. You don't know tech stuff.

That's why black people, People call white people wonkies. Oh, do they? Yeah. Wait, black people call white people wonkies? Yeah. When they're, you know. When they're coming out of Charlie's chocolate factory.

No, that's an entirely different thing. But isn't Willie Wonka the owner of Charlie's chocolate factory? So if a honky goes into Charlie's chocolate factory and comes out of Willie Wonka's factory, doesn't that make him a wonky? I think that makes them vanilla chocolate. Oh. So what was I thinking? I think you were... Oh, I see where you got confused there.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And by the way, I'm not a guy who gets easily confused. I'm not stupid. Me neither. I'm not a dumb idiot, stupid fucknard. I think you and I are probably some of the least stupid people on the planet.

I'll tell you one thing I'm not as stupid. I'll stand up for myself all night, all day, all night. Anyways, I'm not stupid any time of the 23-hour cycle. We have some of the biggest Q-Is you've ever seen. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. If I'm an idiot, then Albert Einstein was a guy with a mustache and crazy gray hair. E equals Cinnamon 5-9.

Wow, whoop-you-do? Math equations. God. Hey, folks, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Yes, indeed. And today we want to talk about money. Yeah, sometimes money can be problematic. It can bring anxiety, sleep disruption, and even depression.

And sometimes it's a leading source of conflict for couples. You know, you've all been through it where you're worrying about paying the bills and where's the next paycheck and inflation and you got all these different. different things to manage. You got your car lease, your rent, and it can add up. Sometimes you need a little help coping with it. Therapy isn't about financial advice. It's about managing the stress, shame, or anxiety that can come with all this anxious thinking. Therapy can help people unpack their relationships with money, build healthier coping strategies, and feel less alone in the process. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served

over 6 million people globally. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash Harland Highway. That's betterhelp.com slash Harland Highway. and let's take care of those financial woes. Well, little Wadi, welcome back to the Hala Highway podcast. I already played the theme music, but you get it twice. Oh. Yeah. Thank you for being here, my bud.

And, oh, what is this? YMCA. You said that the first time during the intro. I did? Yeah. You know somewhere, and I don't want to be mean, and I don't want to be mean, and I don't want to make you feel guilty. Yeah, what, what?

Somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea or the Pacific or the Atlantic, maybe the Caspian Sea, a very expensive jet fighter making a landing on an aircraft carrier just crashed off the side and into the ocean. So you might want to rethink the landing signals on my podcast before you start doing this.

You thought I was trying to guide a plane in with the moves of the YMCA? Have you not ever been on an aircraft carrier during the middle of war? No. This is how they bring them in. When they're like, it's not like on Delta, Flight 507 to Cleveland where they're doing this, exit, and do you want chicken or fish? You're saying, what you did was a 17305 Stinger Bomber Airwolf coming in at Mach 7,

and you're landing it, but you did it all fucked up, almost like a Dementoid from the 9th Galaxy, and that thing probably just did about 18 cartwheels, a donut, and a French croissant, thanks to you and your whatever this is, Spider-Boy. Sorry, I didn't mean to lash out guy. I don't mean to lash, but I care about our military. Well, you've lashed. It's already, it's already been there. You've already lashed out on me. But little waddy, somewhere a sailor, a pilot is laying face down in the Caspian Sea, and fish are nibbling at his eyeball. because of what you did.

And I care about our military. So sue me. I thought that I was just doing the YMCA. And I didn't. Let's see it. Yeah. As you're doing that an F-79 B-Stinger Hornet from air. Yeah.

You just killed. Wow. Okay. Oh, what's? Whoa. That last. part got very glory holeish. Like, whoa.

But that last part was YMCA, by the way. When you do the time, like that's really. That's the ending of YMCA. Yeah, that definitely is. That's the unedited version of the dance move. Okay. It's fun to stay at the YMCA. Oh, that's what you were doing.

A. Nis. Yeah. Okay. Maybe I overreacted. Yeah, redacted. Can you redact your overreaction? I can.

That's a redacted. A terra-redacted. Terradacted? I did a terror-redacted. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh, that's kind of like the monster from Jeepers, Creepers.

He had that flap where it kind of just went like down at the end. Uh-huh. Oh, dude. By the way, Jeepers Creepers. What a creepy old song. Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes? Peepers. No, he goes peepers.

And then it goes eyes. Then it goes eyes. So, you know, we got to do it all over again, thanks to your fuck. Thanks to your error. I didn't mean to swear. In three, two, one. Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers? Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those eyes?

And if you ever sing that to a potato, because they have so many eyes, they cry like an onion. But I don't know if you remember this or not, but Jeepers' creepers, the poster was like, Jeepers creepers, every 28 years he needs to eat. And I was thinking for the fat people watching, the men and women of America, the chubbies, the fatties,

the Baskin-Robin-Hawks, that might be the diet for you. The thyroid challenged. Right. Every 28 years you eat. and just, you know, everything, just leave the rest. That could be a great diet. South Park, forget it.

Prozac or whatever they inject, forget it. The Jeepers creepers diet. Every 28 years, years, years, years, years, years, years, years. Every 28 years, years, years, years. Years, years. You, years. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Every 28 years ago. Did we just, was that, did we just wrap or scratch? I think we scratched and sniffed. Oh, jeepers, creepers. Yeah, he who's applied it, denied it. He who jeepered it, creepered it. Sorry, my phone keep getting texted.

Oh, God. No, what is it? Oh my God, it's Barry Manolo. You know the singer? Yeah. Fucking Barry Manel. Hang on. Tell little Wadia said hi at the Copa, Copa, Copa, Cabana.

Huh. That's where he's at right now? No, he just said, he just said, Copa. I guess I don't know if you guys shared a memory or up. No, I mean, he has a song. He has Copa Cabana. Yeah. Copa, Cabana.

Where'd you get that anna? Copa, Cabana. Where'd you get that banana? Yeah. Families are what it's all about. People you grew up with. People that you know. People that you spent your whole life with.

Yeah, that's my favorite part of the holidays. Dude, you again? Yeah. What do you mean? I mean. Yeah, me again. Yeah, you again. You again?

Me? Again. Yeah. Dude, I was in the middle of a show with little. Wadi, and I don't know that you should be glitching in here on us. Oh, sorry, I missed us. Well, I'm not, look, I'm doing the Halle Hauw podcast. Guarantee you have a good time.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you just can't glitch in here, artificial AI, Harlan. I felt like the podcast need a little jumpstart. All right, well, since you're here. Yeah. Are you a sandwich guy, AI guy? Oh, come on.

You know, uh. us. Yeah. We love sandwich. Can we throw a sandwich together right now? Yeah. How about some rye guy? How about AI on rye? A.I. on rye? A.I. On rye. A.I. Sandwich. AI on rye. A. AI on rye, guy. Hang on, buddy. All you have to do is get off, step on the rye. And folks, we got AI on rye. AI on rye AI on rye He's my guy

He's AI on rye Ah Ah How's the sandwich Delicious Do you want to side with your sandwich? Sure, Princess Penelope Okay, here it is.

Fuck on. What? You fuck off. You can't glitch in here. What do you mean? I just glitched all over your sofa. I got a show to do, AI. All right. Well... Hit the streets. Okay, well, can I take the rye with my AI and get out? Take the rye, AI, guy.

All right, my guy. I'll take the rye and get the AI, my guy, and go out there, and maybe, hopefully I won't find a sty in my eye. Whoa, Guy? Yeah. Goodbye. All right. Bye. Bye, Ryan Seacrest. Speaking of the military, speaking of serious matters, you and I do podcasts, you do trailer tales. Yeah. You did Cizzer Brothers.

I do the Hall-Hawai podcast. We get accused a lot of just being too silly. That's a very real thing. We don't ever get accredited with talking serious, talking about world matters, politics, social issues. And I thought, I don't know if you want to do it on your podcast for the sake of mine. I'd like to dial it up a notch and engage in one of these political, deep, social, probing conversations that you see on all the podcasts. I don't want to get left behind. I don't want to miss the trend.

Okay. So if you don't mind, I would love to do that with you if you're down for it. Yeah. Okay. I think we could do it. Okay. I might have to, I might have to phone in some of my friends to answer some of the questions,

but I'll do it. Okay. Well, I'd love to do that. Okay. I'd like to talk about how in Gaza right now, there's global warming happening. and if we look at the climate accord, you'll see that the intermediate, you know,

the tributaries, elections that are going to be starting and later in the term, the White House, they're going to have to negotiate the peace treaty with Ukraine. That's what I've heard. Okay, what did you hear? I've heard it's hot in Gaza. Yeah.

I don't want to be the guy to say it. Yeah. But it's getting hot over there. It's getting hot, and I think what's happening is the polar ice caps are melting. Yeah. And if we look at the drilling offshore in Alaska, we can certainly point to the economy is not doing well, doing to the overinflated stock options that are happening with NVIDIA, the Big Three Apple, Microsoft. And you look at the middle-class workforce and blue-collar workers are suffering in Gaza because of the water systems are jam. And that's part of the reason there's a hard drive shortage if you go on Amazon.

They're all hiked up. You can't get an SSD drive for a normal rate anymore because of everything that's going on over there. And, you know, I think that comes back to what the Middle East Gaza, Afghanistan, Taliban, war because the oil prices are fluctuating because of the sugar prices arising. And the same reason why you haven't seen Gaza Strip on women since the 80s is that they're no longer active because of the global warming that's happening and the fear mongering of the states and the countries that are mixing together in the North and South Pole. So it really really really comes down to it's a people problem. And when it comes down to people, you and I know people.

Yeah, it's so true. And it becomes a divide where it's water and then there's land. It's always that. There's people and then there's products. And when you mix the products with the water and the people and the poverty, you can really understand that the election is really up for grabs from anyone. You know, it's so funny you said that. And earlier you mentioned north and south. North and the south, yeah. And I was reading recently, I was actually studying. I was, you know, there was a synopsis online, and I was late at night.

I was just studying it. I was doing a deep dive. You'll have to send me the link to that synopsis. Yeah. And there's a North and South Korea. And what's happening is they're polarizing the people to rise up against the communism Gaza strip. Right.

And when the Gaza goes into Jerusalem on the South Bank, it looks like Afghanistan is going to, that guy they took out in South America, the Brazilian guy from Chile. Yeah. And so Gaza, Gaza strip. And you won't hear me having chili in my mouth unless it's a soup, you know? I don't even like talking about chili. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's a hot button issue these days. And can you win when you bring up chili? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Well, I think, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I think what you're saying is that comes back to the economy. And then when people go to the voting line,

the car industry is really suffering because of the Gaza's. And the Beirut, the Beirut Gaza's stuff. Yeah. And the Gaz. are all over the place now. Yeah. It used to be like, people used to not even talk about it.

But now there's gauze everywhere. Gauze, yeah. Yeah. Wow, so cool. Like, you know, I don't, I don't like to kiss the ass in my viewers.

Like, normally I don't, like, try to appease them or go out of my lane. I'm not trying to fish for compliments or anything. And, you know, get people to be like,

these guys know their politics. Yeah. But, you know, why not throw it into the mix. We can go back to the regular stuff now, but I think we sort of showed that we can do the dance. If we see a dip or a rise in the algorithm, we'll know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Great. Well, great talk, guy. Well, I feel better. And, you know, that's something, that's some exclusive content

that you're not going to get from me on my other podcast. I really steer away from it. Yeah, me too. The fact that you and I were leaning on each other to experiment with something that we normally don't do, it's a little empowering. So thank you for that. Yeah. That's a lot. That's what I feel. You're welcome. I feel like it's like it's okay now and then to step out of your box. It's sort of okay to show your audience that you can flex, that you can. I love to get outside of a box. I love to get in a box. Yeah. Is one easier or better than the other? Yeah. One feels better than the other. But yeah, I'll do both. Great, great. Well, that and again, folks, look, that was heavy content. That's maybe not easy to digest. It's maybe not what you want to hear. The world's a heavy place. Yeah. But we kind of proved our point. We touched on it. And what I like to do on the halakha, what you know, for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Have you

ever heard that term? Never. It's like the first law of physics. For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. That doesn't even make sense, Harland. Well, if you were to talk to, if you were to talk to Albert Einstein over drinks at the smokehouse in Burbank. I think you might, you know, whatever. But anyways, what I want to do is go from the intensity of a heated sort of political back and forth, socio-geological, you know, combo. So you can say we can get silly again. Is that what you're saying? I'm saying I'd like to, but you can't just do it like that.

You have to, what we do, we do pocket. We're both. professional podcasters. You have to know how to move the gears. Sure. And so in order to bring it back from that high-intensity kind of mind-fuck we just did, you okay? Yeah, I was checking it out. Okay.

I thought maybe I had like garlic bread syndrome or something. No, no, you invited me in your house. But isn't that if you eat too much garlic bread, your eyes dingle back and forth, like a Chinese raspberry or whatever? I saw your eyes going back and forth like a Chinese doorbell. I forgot. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, thanks for checking it on me. Okay. That is one of the side effects of that. But no, I was actually, I was just checking things out.

Oh, I see. You know, sometimes when something's complex, I need to look at it rather than just hear it. Because, and don't take this as an insult to the wrong way, but for just a minute,

just for a slight second, you sort of remind me of Boo Radley looking for satellites deep in the night. Huh. Like just, you know, like to kill a mockinger. No, no, no. I'm well read. I get the reference, okay, Harland.

Somebody's getting snappy. But what we do is we know the gears. We know how to bring it back, but you have to have the right segue. And one thing, I don't know if you've ever done this, but this is something that makes me happy. And I'm going to ask you to part of the way. participate in it. But whenever I want to feel happy, I've always wondered what it would feel like

to giggle at someone as if I was an elf looking through the bushes. And would you be okay if I like looked through the bushes at you and pretended I was a giggling elf? Sure. And then if you want to do it back after you can, but hang on a sec. This sort of always brings me back to just like the real world where everything's so intense in Gaza so if you'll indulge me yeah

he he he he I'm an elf I'm a naughty elf and I'm giggling at you through the bushes

what are you doing behind those bushes I'm a naughty Elf? Why do you keep throwing naughty in there? I'm fine with an elf laughing at me, but why are you a naughty elf? Well, aren't Elfs naughty? Aren't they tricksters? Are they? I thought they were. All elves? Wait, did I wreck it? What do you mean? By saying naughty. I don't know. I was going to explore what naughty meant to you. I don't know what elves do. I mean, do elves do naughty things? Do they have sex? Do elves do doggy style? Do they do 69? What do they? do. I mean, I think they do puppy style, but probably not doggy style. Right. Little tini's. Yeah.

He-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. I'm a nutty, not naughty. He-h-h-h-h-h-h. I'm giggling at you from behind the bushes. He-h-h-h-h-h-h. I don't know if you want to try to. Really, I'm out of that whole conversation we had. All right. And maybe I can, maybe we can even do it at each other. Sure. Sure. Ready? I'm a naughty owl. You want to come try my cookies?

I, stupid. Hey, what are you doing over there? I smell your sister's face. Why is my sister over there? How do you feel? Pretty good. Yeah. It's sort of clear your head or anything.

It's a little bit, a little therapy. Yeah. Yeah. And that you only know how to do that if you're a professional podcaster. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or Or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk.

Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road, that's the Volkswagen Tiguan. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore. Step inside to find available full leather seats and wood accents. Under the hood, the available 201 turbocharged horsepower engine gives it a fun to drive edge. The refined Tiguan, you deserve more style.

Visit vw.ca to learn more. SuvW, German engineered for all. No, nobody else could do what we just did. Yeah. Is it just me or our Kalamari rings just bradded assholes? It's just me. Oh, you're back. Yeah.

You said, you said, is it just me? So, yeah, it's just me. Wait, I said I just, I said just me and me came back. Wow. Yeah. Wow, it is just me. Just the magic words, you fucking said. Will you tell me, me?

Yeah, me. Are calomari rings just deep fried assholes? I think so. Uh, waiter, more deep fried assholes, please. Oh yeah, I'm here to talk about hymns again. Hymns, hymns, I'm not talking about what you sing in church. I'm talking about helping you with your E.D. At some point, you stop blaming stress, sleep, or just getting older.

Bedroom performance is in question. It's probably crossed your mind to do something about it. And the good news is you don't have to jump through hoops to fix it. You don't have to go Cirque de Soleil. Hymns connects you with licensed health care providers online, giving you simple access to legitimate ED treatment options from your home. Just complete a simple online intake, and a provider will review your information to determine if treatment is right for you.

To get simple online access to personal, affordable care, for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more. Visit hymns.com slash Harlan. That's hymns.com slash Harlan for your free online visits. Hymns.com slash Harland. Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. Solidafil is the generic version of Viagra.

Viagra is a registered trademark of Viatrus Specialty LLC. Hymns is not affiliated or endorsed by Viatris. So there you go, gang. Get Hymns and get groovy. Where's this dinosaur from? That one in particular? Yeah. I think I got it at Target.

All right. Why? I just saw it. I was like, that's a cool dino. I know, but you never asked me dinosaur questions. Oh, here we go. There we go. Jesus.

It's one thing to have fun, but when someone gets hurt, do you believe something like that once roamed the earth, little wadi? For real. Yeah. You really think those things walked around 90 feet tall? Yeah. Have you seen the bones? I know, but are they real?

Are they? How does a... If you went, no offense. If you went and dug up your grandfather in the grandfathers, in the graveyard. Do you think his bones would still be there after 80 years? And then they find a T-Rex bone out in the middle of the Sahara. This is 900 million years old.

I mean, a loaf of bread only lasts like three months. How does a bone laying in the burning sun for 900 million years exist? Sure, it gets petrified, solidified, whatever. But even that. You ever chop down a tree? The stump will stick around for maybe 10 years, but then it just gets eaten up by nature. Even concrete buildings freaking dissolve eventually.

And somehow, 900 million years later, a perfectly pervert dilipid dom bone with, ooh, there's actually some skin samples on it and some DNA tissue. Oh, okay, 900 million years. My luggage won't even last more than 12. Oh, sorry. You really brought something out of me, but can you... I didn't realize you were an anti-dinosaur-truther.

I just... I'm challenging it. I want to believe. I want to believe I go into a museum for 3599 and look at a 400 million-old year skeleton that's just been buried under the sand in Utah where they've been snowmobiling and hiking for the last century. Do you believe in Jeff Goldblum? No. Yes. Wait.

I, maybe, I, um, I'm not sure if I, if I do, but, uh... I like that. Yes, I, I do believe I, I do believe in him. I, uh, I believe that, uh, without chaos that there can be no, uh, Jurassic Park 9, starring Jeff Goldblum and Steveo from Jackass. Welcome to Jurassic Pro. Dude, that's like a dinosaur, dude.

That's wild. Dude, did you see that dinosaur over there? That's, dude, that was gnarly. Dude, that's a good stevo. Yeah, dude. Harling, I'm going to see you, dude. Wow. Yeah, man.

Oh, that's too good. That is too good Should you like Believe in dinosaurs Or no Well let me Look If you've got a 900 million year old bone

Is that even feasible? Is that even logical? I've broken bones I know but not only a bone But a whole skeleton What are the odds of a whole You go to a museum And you see a whole dinosaur

I mean, you know, you lose your car keys and you can't find them. And you found a 900 foot dilipidon? Are you the... Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah, that was cool. Steve-o? Yeah.

Where are you right now? Dude, I'm right here with you. Are you sure? Yeah, unless you think I'm in the trash, care or something, shit like that. Dude, you sound like you might have been making love to Grover the Muppet all night. Dude, this is how I talk. I don't know, dude. Hi, man.

Sounds like you ate some Grover pussy. Does he have a pussy? Rover? No. Do the Muppets have private parts? I don't think we should. I think we're going to get sued, Arlen. I know, but now you got me thinking about it.

Can you imagine the hog on Cookie Monster? What? I wonder if it has chocolate chips on it. It's just a whole sleeve of cookies. Oh, yeah. Like chips a hoy weiner. Oh, yeah. It's got to be.

It's got to be. I wonder what big birds hung like. A giant. Wow. Yeah. Do we even want to talk about snuffaloffigus? The bigger the beak. Well, that's what I'm saying.

Damn, boy. Uh-huh. I do guarantee, son. You would. What? I mean, me again? Yeah. You got, am I me or am I you?

I'm you doing me doing I. A-I or just I? Just the I. What's the A? An I. Wait, what? Yeah. Holy alphabet soup on my sister's dyslexic forehead.

Uh-huh. Bumblebee tuna and your sister's... Wait, our sister. Yeah. Oh. Grass-fed monocle. fed monocles on your monkey's bench. Whoa.

Yeah. Take another look. By what? I don't slurping me, me. Do re me, Fossolati me. Me. A, E, I, O me.

I. go you money. I do? Yeah. How much? Viver. Viverr, I barely know her. Speaking of dinosaurs and lizards,

we live in California. And that's a professional segue from a professional podcast or what you just did. That's what I do. That's what we do. We live in Southern Cali. And I'm guessing, like, you got lizards that run around in your yard.

You see them all the time. Sometimes, yeah. So sometimes they get into my house. Oh, they're a nuisance sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. So one got into my house about a week ago, and it's running around on my counter.

I grab it, and its tail comes off in my hand, and it's still wiggling. That's like their self-defense mechanism. They just drop their tail? Their tail detaches from their body. They keep running and the tail keeps wiggling to distract would-be predator thinking it's still they've got their catch. The nerves in the tail. Nature engineered these guys like a skunk shoots, you know, skunk juice and a lion has claws and teeth.

Lizards have this defense mechanism where their tail detaches and keeps wiggling. And then they're supposed to keep running. but here's what they didn't plan for. When dumbass lizard walks into a human's house, lizard with clawed freaking hands was never designed to run at top speed on finished marble. So now you've got a wiggling tail on your hand and you got a freaking lizard just spinning his wheels,

not going anywhere because he's on polished marble. Harland. Yes? Okay. I was fine with the whole story. until you started flexing, you really shoehorned in there that you have marble.

Yeah, polished. No, no, I heard that part, and, like, I was with you the whole time, and then it got me kind of thinking, like, the whole reason you've been told the story was because you have marble. Yeah, polished. Now, I know Daddy has polished marble.

Yeah. Okay. But not everybody out there has polished marble. So it might be something to think about. Yeah, but not everyone out there has lizards. They don't have a lizard problem. them in their house. If you got lizards, get polished marble. All right. I mean. Because if you don't have polished marble, those suckers, they're just gone.

Well, if you had carpet, oh, gone. Gone. Because they have something to grip to. Right. But even on this, even this, this, this, this, uh, this, uh, this Roanoke wood that you have installed on your podcast. Yeah. Yeah. A demon lizard is not going to get much traction on that. No. And I call them demon lizard because what animal lets part of its body come off, it remains alive, and then runs away. And they can regrow one. Right. Now, if that isn't Lucifer's work,

I don't know what it is. Now, if I was loose in the sheets, if you know what I'm talking about. If I was one of those guys. I don't know, but I want to talk about it after. Okay, we're talking about dinosaurs. We're talking about lizards. We're talking about different things.

You're talking about evolution, all these different things. Yeah. Why hasn't it become a thing if, you know, they always say that men are programmed to spread their seeds? seed, right?

Spill their seed. Spill their seed. Or spread. Or spread, depending on how far you can make it go. Yeah, because I was just a side note, and I'm a little ashamed of this. I was in Home Depot the other day in the gardening section, and my cart brushed up against a bag of grass seed that was hanging out, ripped it open, and I was spilling seed everywhere in aisle 49.

And they escorted me out. I even got some on my shoes. Anyways, that was a side note. Continue. Well, think about this. Why haven't men evolved where when they make love with a woman that their member detaches and then we run away and we grow a new one?

Dude. Why hasn't that happened yet? You're talking swamping sex. Yeah. Oh, dude, this is brilliant. I'm just saying if we're working on all these technological advances, is why can't we do that? And addendum to that, man, don't make love unpolished marble.

Otherwise, she'll catch you. Yeah, you're not going anywhere. Yeah. Isn't that a nice idea? We always learn from nature. So if the lizard can detach its tail, why can't two people engaged in coitus, instead of having to deal with long goodbyes and cleaning up

and also STDs and different stuff. Yeah, and the pull-out method. Yeah. Just go in. Yeah. Leave your little meat missile. Sure. And go home.

And then back off. Yeah. And she could pull it out later and it's still wiggling. Right. Everybody wins. Everybody wins. Yeah. Wow, dude.

I'm just, you know, Brill. I'm thinking. Dude, Brill. I'm thinking. Brill. I don't even have to say Eant. Yeah. I just have to say, Brill.

And they know what I'm talking about. Yeah. I don't need a-ant on the end of my brill. No. Dude. Yeah. But er-ill. Yant.

Well, I just said I don't need that part. But you said yance. Nobody says yance. So. Brilliant. You say brilliant? Yeah. You don't say brilliant?

Only brilliant people say it that way. So every time you say, that is brilliant. Yeah. Huh. I'd say that is a brilliant. sandwich. I say that's a brilliant sandwich. Sandwich. Sandwich. No. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant sandwich. You say brilliant sandwich. You sort of brush up against the silent age. You don't do the whole, you don't say sandwich. You say sandwich. You'd kind of rub up against it.

Okay. Like you did in the bird seat in the aisle at Home Depot. Yeah. You just brushed up against it. look do I want to spill seed in public no are there going to be accidents who do I blame me or Home Depot for the guy in the orange vest not pushing the bag of grass seed back in I'm just going along looking for light bulbs 14 foot pieces of lumber a tool shed some lawn furniture some cleaning products new ceiling fans new garbage cans a rake a chains a chainsaw some steel beams to put over my tool shed and some flacking for my slack hackalaka. And I ran out of things to say

so I made something up right at the end and ruined it. Oh, that's okay. It ruined it, I feel like. You didn't ruin it? I didn't. Do you know how many riffs you do on this podcast? I know, but I didn't.

Nobody even noticed it. That I got lost and just made it up? Yeah, nobody even noticed it. You called attention to it. And then batteries and a power saw. and a circular saw and a jigsaw and a washer dryer unit and some carpet and some megaclonic philona fuck you're getting inside your head you're you're you're worried about what the riffs are going to be now i know okay okay but but you're one of the best rifferes there is now you're just inside your head

for no reason if you keep going nobody's going to notice a riffer runs through it yeah okay Riffer Phoenix. Exactly. I ran down to the Riffer. Yeah, the Nile Riffer. Yeah, okay, Jack the Nile Riffer. Yeah. Okay, so have you ever spilled seed at Home Depot?

Yeah, I've got two kids. Listen, I can play this AI game. Yeah. Okay, if you want to glitch in here and be AI Harland, you just sit right there for a second because I can glitch in and glitch back out and AI your ass too. Hey, that's my thing. Hang on.

You know what? Fuck off. Yeah. Yeah. Get out of here. Well, look who's here. Magnum P.I. AI. A.I.

Harland. Listen, you're P.I. You're not AI. So don't be intimidating and imitating me. Wait a minute. I'm not really. Magnum P.I. I'm an artificial insemination of that guy. So I'm Magnum P.I. AI. I solved mysteries in Hawaii. And? We recently had a murder. A woman was found bludgeon to death on her balcony on the 15th floor in Kila Kunawana, Kila.

And you know what the murder weapon was? Okmokikoloko Toko Roko Joko. Which is Hawaiian for pineapple. Pineapple. She was murdered with a pineapple. Bludgeon to death with a pineapple. So say I, Magnum P.I.A.I. I can party too, guy.

and then we had another murder, just seven miles up the coast, in Hanalia, Kunkanawa, Haohiha, Wikika. A young boy was skateboarding, and someone threw something at his head and killed him. You know what they threw? A peculotoko-Roko Mono, which is also Hawaiian, a second pineapple. One pineapple plus another pineapple,

equals what? Two pineapples. And one Harland plus another Harland equals what? Two pineapples.

You see how it's starting to come together? Yeah. I'm a detective in Hawaii. I solve Hawaiian crimes. About three weeks ago a body was found on the beaches of

Makikiwaka Stiffy Manga Hokka Taki. Their head was pounded into the sand And guess what they used as the murder weapon Umokotono Rono Chimichono Also another Mexican

I mean Hawaiian word For pineapple Hey my guy Yeah Your fucking mustache is coming off Don't make fun of me I solve mysteries in Hawaii In fact I have one more story for you

Is it Hawaiian or is it Mexican? That's Hawaiian. Three weeks ago, just after this murder happened, an old lady fell off of a building. They say she would have survived if her head didn't strike. From Picotrolo, Manolo, Tolo. Excuse me. Finish it.

Rocapino. Which is also a Hawaiian word for... Pineapple. Surprise. And that murder happened. I forgot to tell you on the north shore of Manahoka Naka, Miki Hakka Woka Woka. Laka Moka.

Laka Mikaika. Kiki. Leukemia Oka Naka. Diarrhea Ako Hako. Fakoffo Hoko. Faddy fuck sacko. Jucky cheese aloko. Snobri Kankajai.

Gogo. And that's, they can't even put a sign up on the city because it's too long, but a pineapple. Now fuck off. It's a lot of pineapples. This time of year always makes me rethink what's in Harlan's closet? You know, I'm trying to keep the good things, the better things, pieces that are made well and are easy to wear all the time. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. The fabrics feel elevated and thoughtful, and the pricing for them actually makes sense. You know, Quince makes high quality everyday essentials using premium materials like 100% European linen. Their men's linen pants and shirts are lightweight, breathable, and comfortable, basically the perfect layer for spring, which is what we're in now.

I love wearing their pants, their shirts. They make me feel light. They're not heavy. I sort of want to wear them. I feel like spring. You know, just fresh and ready to rock and roll. Sorry, I got a little out of control there. But refresh your wardrobe with Quince.

Go to quince.com slash Harlan for free shipping and 365-day returns. And now available in Canada, too. Go to Q-U-I-N-C-S-E-N-C. c e.com slash harland for free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com

slash harland so anyways I had a mouse in my house the other day I said I don't know why I coughed up that I had a lizard have you ever had a critter in your home you're doing it again what you said you have a house

you gotta stop flexing on your listeners in your view. Not everybody has a house. I said I, wait a minute. To be fair, I had a mouse in my house with the polished toilet. Okay. Yeah. And the gold toilet. Right. Why can't I say that? You can't say that you have a man servant

that escorted me up the walkway when I got here. Okay. You can't tell people that you have a foyer. Oh, wow. Okay. Not everybody has one of those. Okay. All right. Let me leave my. you go into it with a little bit more humility? Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to leave my domicile out of it or my mansion, my domicile.

Okay, that's better. Have you ever had a critter in your place where you live, whatever that may be? Have you ever had a critter in your, within the walls of your structure where you inhabit? You know, I have had pretty good luck with critters. out in L.A. But we used to where I grew up in Kansas, we used to get mice all the time. Mice.

Talk to me. Because of the weather change, really. Because it was pretty normal. Four seasons in Kansas City. Yeah. So you're going to get, when it goes from fall to winter, that really shakes everything up outside

and they're going to try, they feel the warmth, like any time a garage door opens or anything like that. Yeah. They're going to try to run in. So that happens all the time. Yeah.

So we would have random, like throughout my entire childhood different. Mice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you do with them? We would do, we would get traps and kill them. Yeah, we would. Isn't it sad because of the cutest little darlings, but they can be very destructive and we have to kill them?

I know. And can I offer up for my audience for you, an alternative, a more maybe compassionate, humane way to terminate said rodents? Sure. Because they are cute, their little darlings. What I've been doing lately, and I have a picture here I want to share with you, I had a mouse in my domain recently, and yeah, you've got to kill them,

but why snap them in a trap? Why stomp on them? Why poison them? Sure. Why can't their final moments be something that maybe puts a capper on their little life that's enjoyable? So what I did, the last mouse I caught, I caught him, I went out to Arby's, I bought curly fries. I put little curly fries on the little fella's feet, and I put them in the freezer, and I let him skate around until he died. And God blessed the little jinksans.

I could hear him in there skating. There's a picture of him. He's skate. What? I'm just trying to be compassionate and humane. No, of course. Yeah. Okay, Mr. Mouse killer.

No, I'm just, that's not how we do it in Kansas. Well, look at him. I mean, at least he got to die doing something. I mean, yeah, yeah. something fun and creative he was man i don't know have you ever made a human-sized version of those skates before curly fry skates yeah no that could be interesting i mean if you want to do it with somebody i'm open to that experiment you'd like to start a curly fry skate company yeah oh why it sounds appealing okay like a like a

business, a legit business. We see how it goes. I don't want to, you know, jump into a whole business thing, but I want to try it out. Okay. I wasn't expecting that, but okay. Yeah. I'd love to be a business with you.

And here's why. When we talked earlier, you know, I didn't know how our social political conversation was going to go. And I was a little bit worried about that too. And can I just tell you? Yeah. What a relief. Right. And I concur because for you to ask me to go into business

and I can see that you and I are deep, we're well-versed, we're knowledgeable. I mean, the levels that our minds go to, I don't want to get into business with a dummy or an idiot or anyone's stupid. No, I don't like dummies. So I'm all in. My God. Thanks. Thank you. You're the first person to agree to do business with me. I've got a lot of questions. I don't really know how a business works.

So, woo! The fact that you're taking me underneath your wing and your backing with the finances, I mean, that's a big deal, because I have no collateral. I've got nothing to my name whatsoever. So the fact that you're bankrolling this whole expenses

and everything like that. You're hiring our employees. You'll probably have to do the spreadsheets. Man, it just means a lot. So thank you for, you know, agreeing to do business with me. Yeah, you know, just keep talking. I'm just going to be over here like. Yeah, because I mean, at home, I don't even have,

I don't even have Wi-Fi so we can get the Wi-Fi here. There's some other stuff. You've got food, right? Yeah, you got food. I saw it in your fridge earlier. So if we eat here, we deal the meals here. I do the Wi-Fi here as well, and then you're bankrolling it. And then like I kind of just come up with some ideas here and there and again.

And I feel like that is like kind of equal to what a partner is like, you know, in a business venture is, you know, you do the food, the taxes and you do the providing financially. And like, if I can move into that, that would be helpful for like, we really want to give this a proper go. Yeah, I've got mice, I've got lizards. You won't like it here. I'll sleep on the marble. Oh, okay. Polished marble. Ooh, I can only do marble.

Just you're out, player. Okay. Speaking of marble, and this is another segue, what did you think about that trip to the moon that they just did? Wait, is that even a segue? What does that got to do with anything? Oh, you know what it is?

You caught the reflection of the astronaut behind you. Oh! And that's what it was. Okay. Because a marble looks like the helmet. It's a marble that we went to space. No, that's a marvel. What was your perception of that new kind of journey around the moon where they went all the way up there, didn't land for some reason, decided to go,

we're going back to the moon, but let's not put foot on it. Let's just go look at it the way we look at it every night from our front lawn. I don't think we ever landed on the moon. The first time? No. For realzies. For realzies. I don't think we did.

Why do you say so, so, so, so, say so? Because I think that's a, what, we had to look better than Russia. So we fibbed it. Really? You think it was one big, like, ruse? Why haven't we landed it? on their sense. That's what I just asked. Yeah. So I'm agreeing with you. I'm not even, I'm not saying they didn't. I'm just asking. No, they didn't. You don't think they did.

We've never landed on the moon. Would you, would you say that to Neil Armstrong's face if he was sitting right here? Yeah, absolutely. So if I'm, let's hypothetically pretend I'm Neil Armstrong. Sure. I'm sitting here. I'm going to do a little bit of character acting. I'm an actor, folks. That's what I do. This is my side hustle. I'm an actor. I'm Neil Armstrong. And then you say what you got to say.

And let's see how this goes. Hello, everybody. I'm just back from the moon, Apollo 14. We stood on the moon. No, you're not. It didn't happen. Excuse me? You weren't there.

Sir, we were on the. surface, the lunar surface, looking back, we took pictures. Yeah, yeah. You faked it. Does this ring a bell, wise guy? Beep, beep. Houston, this is one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.

Yeah, I heard it. I've heard the quote. I wasn't finished. So that doesn't mean that you actually landed there just because you used a walkie-talkie and you used sound effects back in the 50s or whatever. Excuse me, are you used to cutting people off? Are you used to cutting people off all the time? See, you're a faker.

That's what you actually sound like. Oh, I'm a fucking faker, bitch. Look at you. What are you? I mean, we were on the lunar surface, sir. Three men stuffed in a can for three weeks floating around all over each other. It was though. Yeah, I think that happened.

I think you were floating around for a while, but you didn't land. Oh, we landed all right on top of each other. This is one small step for man, one giant leak. Beep. Beep. For mankind. And they always threw the beeps in for mankind. I was supposed to eat the space food, which is in a tube full of liquid.

Somehow there's a... Are you guys going down on each other in space? Okay, you know what, sir, this is it... Sir, this is not funny. I'm Neil Armstrong. The first man on the moon. Just back off, egg roll ass. Why am I an egg roll ass?

Neil, I just said you didn't land on the moon and you called me an egg roll ass. Okay, well, does this ring a bell? I've heard, I've seen the footage. This is one small step for man. Donnie, get off me. This was one giant... Wait, what was that part? I haven't heard that part before.

What was that? No, that was... There was a tech thing. Is there an extended cut? I think there was a tech thing in the microchip of the gigabyte... It just feels like this is an extended cut that I haven't heard before

of the landing of the moon. This is one small step for man. Donnie, get off me. It hurts. Oh, you're stretching. Whoa. This thing. This thing is something.

I told you we were having technical issues. Why would... Why would somebody say that they were being stretched in space? It's space. There's no gravity. Things stretch. Space, who knows? Have you been there?

I have. I haven't. I haven't been to space in a small capsule with two other men, floating around with oil, with no gravity? Neil, just admit. We sure did, Neil. We what, David and Buzz? Buzz.

Neil, just admit you didn't land on the moon. Oh, we landed right into the deepest craters you can imagine. Sex face. Boy, I don't know what I had for lunch, but, My heart part is just... What were we talking about, Guy? We were talking about... Oh.

Neil Armstrong and landing on the moon. So you didn't think when they went around just like last week. What were your thoughts? I was like, interesting. They didn't land. Right. Interesting.

Like, why didn't they? They're there. That's like going to Disneyland. Hey, kids, we're at Disneyland, but don't you dare go on any of the rides? Yeah. Kids? What?

The astronauts, it wasn't a gay mission. It was a straight mission to Mars to orbit. Right. But yeah, why didn't they land? They should have to prove that the first time we went happened. But we haven't. We haven't landed ever. But also the question arises,

why didn't they go around the dark side of the moon on the first mission? Why just stay on the white side of the moon? Because it was the 60s. Okay, I get it. Because Pink Floyd wasn't a band yet. Wow. Yeah. So they had no reason to go on the dark side of the moon.

Oh, wow. Pink Floyd. Yeah. I always think of Pink Floyd as a farmer with alopecia. Pink Floyd. Yeah. How you doing, Floyd? Well, alopecia kicked in today.

I'm all pink. But other than that, the corn's coming in real night. I've been trying to stay out of the sun, but... Yeah. Keep burning. Oh, you look real pink there, Floyd. Well, you know, and just dealing with what the Lord gave me. Maybe want to get down to see old dock fritters and get some creams or something, Pink Floyd.

I mean, if I can take the time outside of, you know, sharing these crops go down to the market, then maybe I will. But I don't know. Peep. You hear that? What? It just sounded like some kind of radio broadcast or something. I ain't hearing nothing, Floyd. I think maybe you're all hearing things

because you're all pink now. It's not like what, you heard of transmission from the moon or something. I just, you know, okay. Beep. What? I swear I'm hearing something out in these crops. Floyd, there's an owl up in your barn,

just had some babies. You're probably hearing some baby owls, you dumb fuck. Beep. There's a speaker over there that's just over in the corn. What is happening? What is it wrong with? with you. Why are what? Why are you doing these beeping noises and moon talking me? I have a

podcast to do, player. You were the one that was... You beep-noised space moons. I didn't beep you. You beep Floyd pinked me and then round about the thingy thing. You know what I was doing the beeps. I was doing... Yeah. Like I'm what in a space capsule? Is this some of the glitching that you were talking about at the beginning of the podcast. Is that what's going on? This thing. Did you see earlier?

The mics. Well, first it was... This thing earlier was insinuating that the whole space mission was so three gay guys could get in a capsule and go to uranium to the moon. Is that a...

Is that one of the astronauts dying now? I don't know, but whenever they did those transmission, the little beeps were there. Hey, don't say transmissions. Oh, yeah. You can't say that. You can't say that.

Maybe one of them was. Maybe. They were in those thick suits. Who knows what was under it? Yeah. Could have been a tranny. Two guys in a tranny and a canny. It actually, I don't want to force you to do anything, but I can't tell you how good that feels on my throat.

Talk to me. Try the, a bit longer. Right. You give it a little dramatic license. And again, I'm an actor. This is a side hustle. I fuck. act.

And that was acting right there. That was good. Right? I mean, this is a side of, I act. Are we doing acting exercises? Would you like to do one?

All right. You're on a bus. A guy gets on. He's holding a gun and you've got 40 seconds to talk him down. Action. Listen, you don't want to do this. There's a lot of people on this bus.

We can drop you off wherever we need, right? Sir, just lower the gun. We can take you to wherever you need, or we can drop you off. Don't fuck with me now. No, no, no, nobody's, nobody's, everybody respects you here, sir. I'll put the gun down,

but only if you'll hear this. And cut. Now you're a beautiful woman lawyer. You work at a huge law firm in San Francisco. go, you come home, and you see your daughter murdered on the living room floor. Action. Wow. Oscar. Try to do it justice. Dude. I'm starting to wonder if your podcast isn't just a side hustle and you're, are you an actor like me? Yes. What was that last part? What did you?

Boop. Oh. Yes. Wow. Wow. What a day. By the way, you gave me one of the most horrible imprompts to do with that scene. I did. Have you come home? Yeah. See your child murdered. Yeah.

In your home. Dude, you nailed it. Dude. Nailed it. Thank you. 10 out of 10. and to the point to show that I support your acting, during that scene, I'm going to layer in some dramatic music.

Okay. And if one person in this crowd doesn't start crying, if they aren't moved by what you did, I will go to the nearest Helen Keller Clinic, find the girl with the biggest forehead, and suck on her forehead meat for about half of them. hour. You would do that for you.

Yeah. That's a true friend right there. Yeah. And someone. That's how much I believe in your acting. And someone who I really want to go into business with. Easy. That brings us to our final segment, little Wadi.

You flatlined us right into our final segment. You know what it is? What? Lady and gentlemen, words from a wooden shoe. You know how it works. Wadi, you reach into there, you pull out a word and see if it inspires a story from your fabulous journey in life. Rando words. Don't look in, just reach in.

No peeking, my guy. No peeking duck. And what do you got? Threat. Oh, wow. That's a pretty intense one. Ever been in threatened or feel threatened? Or have you threatened somebody?

or I don't know, what does that word inspire my sweet, sweet friend. And that's what I do to a real good friend. I over-enunciate it. I'm trying to think of what threat. Oh, wow. I always wished it was a triple threat. What? What is it?

I always wish I was a triple threat. I feel like our sanity is being threatened right now. I think so, too. I don't know what's happening. I think. And I don't care. It's all right. This is where we live.

Okay, sorry. This is the danger zone. I didn't mean to interrupt. No, this is the threat. Okay. When you and I spend too much time. Yeah, yeah. It goes so far off the rails.

Well, I blame it. I told you from the very beginning we've had tech. issues all day. Yeah, little glitches. Yeah. So it's been, you know, as I always say, glitches against stitches. Yeah, yeah, you've always said that. Yeah, I've always said that. Okay, so threat, has there ever been a scenario where you felt threatened or you threatened someone or there was a threat issued against you or you were bullied or you, I mean, the threats of, that's a big, dramatic word. It is a, it is a take your time. Um, I'll talk about. about this for a second.

I had a family member recently that made a big ordeal about a joke that I said online. Ooh. And they just came at me about it all wrong.

Threateningly. Yeah. Like saying there will be an outcome for this joke. They said And I quote, have some human decency. Whoa. I know. And it was after I got offstage at the comedy store.

I turned my phone back on because I was like record my sets. Yeah. And my phone was blowing up with multiple messages. They saw a clip that they really did not like. A family member. Yeah, family member. It was a stand-up joke. Hmm.

And I responded. you know, with love, you're way out of line. Ooh, you felt threatened by their words. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Are we allowed to hear the joke or is it now has it made you skittish? No, no. The joke, it's so, it's a silly joke. I say, hey, is it just me and my algorithm or are women with Down syndrome getting hotter. Listen here, you fucking asshole. Wait, so... Okay. And then I just talk about

like how my algorithm has these Downsy baddies. It's like the stand-up clip that... Yeah. Yeah. Very silly. And did anyone else have an adverse reaction to it or just this person? It's rare. In audiences every once in a while somebody will get upset, but I want to say 99% of the time. Yeah. People understand that I'm a joke and there's no like ill will behind it. Yeah. Because it's all about intent. For sure. When it comes to, when it comes to cruelty and humor,

if you're cruel and vicious and vindictive and mean, versus just being silly and joking about the universe. And I'm so, you know, man. You see me on stage. I'm about as silly as it gets. You're as gentle as an angel fart. Well, thank you. Can I put that on? my website that you said that? Screw that? Tramp it. Can I get that on a quote on a T-shirt? Yeah?

Put it right on your flesh. All right. I'm as gentle as an angel fart. Right over your asshole. Right over your calamari ring. Yeah. Now, how did you settle this thing with the family member?

Is it still a raw nerve? I had to, they actually, I said it's a joke, like basically, like respectfully you need to calm down and you're way out of line to come at me like this. Wow.

Because I've over the years gotten better at setting boundaries between me and my family and what I do. Yeah. They just don't get it. You're in a bit of an edgy profession. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And my upbringing stuff sometimes, like it's a, it's different from what they're used to, right? Yeah. So they ended up apologizing the next day. Okay. text.

But I was so upset with how they did it. The approach. The approach and everything that I had to call them and like for about, you know, six, eight minutes, like, explain like, this is why this is so messed up the way you came at me. And like, and this is not the first time that this has happened. So I was extra raw. Like, yo, you can't do that. Yeah.

Like, we've already talked about this. This is like, it's jokes. It's what I do. Yeah. Like, I don't have ill intent. I, you know. Yeah. Why do you think this particular family member is more sensitive? Is it, is it because of the work they do? Is it just the way they were raised? Like, what, what makes their hackles go up more than others? It's a mixture. It's a mixture of things. Yeah. Yeah. And is this a family member that before you did comedy was just all love and cuddles and adoration and no real. like frayed, frayed nerve endings? For the most part, but I think just in general, they are more sensitive sometimes than other people.

Right. So not just what you do, but maybe other things that pop up in the news sets them off a little. I think that's in general with, and that's what's tricky about growing up with religion and faith is sometimes what's hard, and I think is a big turnoff for people, is sometimes, the people who are, uh, who have a strong faith feel that they have the right to

be more judgmental than other people. Impose it. Yeah, yeah. So I, and I think that that's sometimes why people, you know, like, get that way. So sometimes they're like, well, I'm, I'm, I'm doing this, this and this. So I can tell other people. Yeah. How I feel kind of a thing. But it's like, well, no, we asked you. Right. Right. Yeah. I mean, if you're, yeah. but and are the do you think the the the fences are mended legitimately or is there sort of a festering wound there still i think it's i think it's i think it's i'm i'm okay about getting over stuff like and like moving on

yeah i like i'm like but i'll be vocal so like i called the person and i was like i was like yo if we don't talk about this this will fester and bother me so let's just talk about it good for you Yeah. Good for you. Cleaned it up. I'm a communication guy. I'd rather over communicate. I said, I'm a communication guy.

I'd rather over communicate. What was that? I said I'm a communication guy. I'd rather. Look, if you're not going to speak clearly, I don't want to play guessing games here. I'm trying to tell you that I try to be a good communicator with my friends. Will you just talk to me? God.

I'm trying to tell you. Oh. Yeah. That I'm an over communicator and that sometimes I try. try to be as good of a communicator as possible. Well, why didn't you just say so? What? I can read lips guy.

And no, I don't want to go to the movies with you tonight. Okay, that outer space? Wow, what a way to end. What a way to flatline out. Folks, little Wadi was here, buddy, before we go, let the world know, because the whole world's watching. My podcast is global. There's people in Scotland right now watching this.

Great. Love to hear it. Tell the people of the planet, little watty, as if you're flying around the dark side of the moon, broadcasting back, beep. Tell them where they can see you, where they can watch your podcast, where they can see our stand-up comedy,

all of that social media stuff. Let it rip, lad. Let it rip right now right here. First and foremost, I had the pleasure of going to see an investment. advanced screening of your movie Wingman. Oh, yeah. And it comes out on May 26th.

Yes. And Harland not just wrote and directed it. He started it as well. He also sang on multiple songs that are inside of the movie's soundtrack. And if you love Harland, as much as I do, and whoever's listening to this podcast or watching this podcast, I want you to go out and support this. movie. I've not laughed this hard

at a movie. I cannot tell you in how long. Oh, thank you. I loved it. There's so many jokes that you don't see in movies anymore that I found absolutely hilarious, and I'm hoping that there are

many, many more Harlan Williams movies because it's something that I think that the world needs and that it has been neglected of for many years. So I'm just putting that out there for you, my friend. You know what? I just asked you to endorse yourself and you went and endorsed me. That's an unselfish, very kind, wonderful gesture.

Thank you so much. And you know what? I'm going to, I still want you to endorse your stuff, but because of that beautiful plug, I'm going to play the trailer right now so people can watch. Yes. We have the trailer. And then we come back on the other side. You know what? Let's do your endorsement first because I don't want to lose people. We'll do your endorsements. I want you to go see Wadi because he's amazing. And then we're going to play the Wingman trailer. Buddy, thank you for that. That's so kind. I meant every word. Absolutely. And by the way, the fact that you came to that screening meant so much to me. It was so good to have buddies there and watching this labor of love. Wingman took so many years of my life. And so I hope you like it as much as Little Wadi. I was a jackal in the theater.

I was dying, just a hyena just howling it throughout the entire movie. I love that. Well, it's coming out May 26. You can stream it. We're going to have it on Apple and Amazon. And we're going to be getting all the information out to you. But enough about that. Buddy, tell them where they can see you.

And then after that, we'll run the trailer. Okay. Well, Harlan has been on stand-up on the spot. He's been on trailer tales. Those are a couple of my projects that I do. And we'd love to have you back to help promote the movie. however we can. Hello.

Please. But yeah, I'm on the road at Jeremiah standup on social media. I've got a new one-hour special coming out in the next couple months. I don't have a release date, but it's edited. It's done. And we'll see where it's going to be released. So I'm very excited. It's called Crazy Pizza.

So look out for it. Awesome, dude. Yeah. Folks, that's it for today. Sorry about all the technical glitches today. I don't even know what the hell happened, but we took care of it. folks until next time

little wadi till next time chicken chowmaine and we'll see you on the dark side of the moon we out your uh wingman is now

officially on the clock looking for some action on a Saturday night how do I know it works Has an elephant know how to jerk itself off with its own nose my name

you're not actually considering this, are you? No! Terry Thompson, wingman. Okay, because like a wingman? What, are you still in high school? Wingman. You don't get laid?

I don't get paid. What have I got to lose? Oh! I need you to take these onion rings down into the jaw, stack them on the bald cyclops, and let me know the count. You're nuts! You're a madman! This is a huge mistake! Huge mistake! Cool off first.

I wish you're late, man, you're running out of time. See anything you like? She's beautiful. Look. Have you seen that Julia Roberts movie, Eat, Pray, Love? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, now you're looking at the sequel, Eat, eat, eat. What makes you such an expert on women anyways? POP. Power above the pussy. That was a mild setback. Dress real nice. We're going for some Wall Street Beaver. Everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly?

It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh? You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one.

Your very own personalized Harland. Before you knew what a stock was, you traded snacks, cards, turns. That instinct to trade didn't disappear. It just grew up. With no minimums, no monthly fees, and 100 free trades, TD Easy Trade taps into that instinct. Because you are made to trade, and TD Easy Trade is made to help.