The Harland Highway - LISA GILROY with the art of improv, french toast, and singing movie musicals best hits!

Episode Date: March 4, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Tushy, Mando and Manscaped: Over 2 Million Butts Love TUSHY. Get 10% off TUSHY with the code [HARLAND] at https://hellotushy.com/[HARLAND] Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code [HARLAND] at shopmando.com! #mandopod Get 20% OFF @manscaped + Free Shipping with promo code [HARLAND] at MANSCAPED.com! #ad #manscapedpod More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, folks, a lot to get to today before we roll the podcast. And I want to start with this. Holy smokes. It finally came in the mail. Look at this. My trophy, my award for Kill Tony, guest of the year, 2024. And holy smokes, look at that thing. They awarded me this on just before New Year's Eve.

And they shipped this out to me. and what an honor to be guest of the year. I want to say thank you to Tony and Red Band and the whole crew over there at Kill Tony had such a fun time last year. It'd never been on the show until last year. Went on it in January. Did it like six times throughout the year.

Did two sold-out shows at Madison Square Gardens. And suddenly I was pulled into this world and Tony and Red Band were like, you know what? This is our guest. of the year. So I am honored. I am thankful. I am grateful to them. I'm grateful to you all the fans of Kiltony and of the Harland Highway. I don't take this kind of thing lightly. It really is a special thing, a special honor. And it just makes me feel really good to know that what I'm doing, my comedy,

my goofy, ha ha ha, he, he, hoo, ha, is bringing joy to you guys, is putting a smile on your face. And so this will go up on my shelf and very proud, thankful, and honored to be the Kill Tony guest of the year, 2024. So thanks Tony and Red Band and the whole crew at Kill Tony,

and I really appreciate it. And now down to some business, We have a few sponsors on this show, so let me get to our first one. I want to talk to you about manscaped. Yeah, these are the guys that trim your beef, they trim your hot dog, they trim your basketballs. They got the little trimmers and the clippers and the clippers and they get down there and they got the beards and balls bundle and they got you covered from cheek to cheek. I got to tell you, man, this unit is fun.

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Visit Manscape.com and use the code Harland to get 20% off plus free shipping. Or if you need it today, you can find Manscaped at a store near you. Stay fresh this season, everybody. one's sake, level up your grooming game today. Man scaped. Don't forget to subscribe, subscribe to the show. We're climbing. We're at 100,000 subscribers. Now we're at 150. And our plaque, our 100,000 subscribers plaque, has finally returned home to daddy. So next show, I'm going to do a little presentation and show you the plaque and talk about what happened with it. And I want to thank all of you guys for being part of that. So all this being said,

let's rock and roll. Let's jump into the episode with Lisa Gilroy. She's hilarious. You're going to love her. And boom, here we go. We are programmed to find the laughs. Where is the laugh? Show me what the is I will discover it. We're laugh robots. We're obsessed with the stuff. I say art two, where is the laughter? Oh, my. This spaceship is entirely filled with laughs. I say, Artu, I'm a homosexual robot. Bend me over your inkjet printer and pound me. Um, Furby robot.

Whoa. Hmm. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway show. Harland Williams. Phone on silent, please. God, you're bossy. I know.

Large and in charge. I accidentally just sent you that. Wait, what the hell? Isn't that interesting? Oh, wow. It looks like an eye in cursor, cursive, or it looks like... one of your darkest nightmares. Look, let's not talk about what's on the text because people won't know what we're talking about.

Oh, I didn't read the text. I try not to talk about like what we've been texting about because then people will be like, what are they talking about? They don't understand. Oh, yeah. I'm saying, like, what you said about the view. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See how it feels to be bossed around?

Yeah, yeah. It's not crazy. Yeah, but I'm sort of like it now. Can you sit a little more angled that way? Are you being serious? Yeah. You want me to face the wall? Yeah.

No, I just wanted to boss you again. It's empowering. God, Lisa Gilroy is here. Let me hit the theme music, folks. Wow. You asked for her, gang, and you got her. Lisa Gilroy here on the Holland Highway podcast. And you're one of those guests that people were writing in.

We want Lisa. We want you and Theo Vaughn. Oh, wow. Yeah. And bring him out? What? Theo. Oh, Theo.

Oh, I wouldn't that be wild if he was here too? Yeah. God, but his mullet would dominate. You think so? I think you would overshadow both of us. You ever had a mullet? Oh, yeah. Look at me.

I'm a mullet guy. Because you do have like aura of mullet. Right. And do you know how bad it was to have a mullet and no chin? Oh. Like I got no chin, right? Oh, I didn't. Yeah, you didn't see it because it isn't there.

Right. But, you know, you have a mullet and that back do drop or whatever it's called, it sort of just draws attention that you have no chin. You think so? Oh, I could tell. When I'd look at pictures, I'd have a mullet, and I'd just like, this guy looks like a cement mixer backed into his face or something. Like the pushed in chin, but the extra quaff.

Pushed in chin with the extra quaff. Pushed in chin with the extra quaff. I love that song. That song was huge in the 90s. God, who sang it? Was that a Rio Speedwagon? Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, with the fur, pushed in chin and the mullet with The cough.

He hits the floor. He hits the floor. And we're like, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. It sounds like they're drowning. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Have you ever drowned?

Yeah, twice. But drowning, I think, means dead. Yeah, well, I died, technically died. Oh, my God, is happening again? I'm puking up a scallop. Oh, my God. Yeah, because one once was in the ocean. You drowned once in the ocean and you have scallops inside forever?

Yeah. And I drowned once in clean water, like fresh water. Bathtub? No, it was a river. Okay. The Okeechani River in Saskatchewan. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And once in the ocean. But I was brought back 15 minutes later. No. Yeah. That's why how come you're brain dead? I think so. So I'm always like a little foggy. Yeah.

Like things are always in the distance. And sometimes I think I see a lighthouse in the distance and I hear. And then you're like, am I? farting again? Yeah. And someone's like, cut that out. Yeah. That's what it is.

Every time I hear a fart, my brain thinks it's a lighthouse in the distance. Interesting. So your own butts tricking your brain into some optical illusion. Wow. That's called the butt. That's called the anal optical connection. Wow. I didn't think we hear the A word immediately.

Yeah. Your dad's an anal doctor? Like a proctologist? An anal optical specialist. No way. So he can see your butt or you can see his. So when you came home. and had dinner with the family and your mother was like how was work today honey and you're about

to cut into your roast beef and he goes well a bunch of assholes today yeah exactly boy oh boy did I see a bunch of assholes yeah but sometimes he looks at eyes but with his butt say that again now so let's say you had like um retinal blastoma which is which is something that can happen to your retina it's like an infection kind of like a ulcer of the corneal retinal retinal connection if you had something like that, he would bring you to his office and he'd pull down his pants and he'd spread his butt so wide and then you look into his butthole and his butthole looks into your eyes and he does the diagnosis. Oh, so it's kind of like looking at that eye chart. Exactly. He's like, can you see it or can you not see it? Those are your options. Right. So it's like A, B, C, D. And then with

him he pulls and you're like, A, no, no, no. No, there's no letters. You just say yes or no. Can you see it or can you not see it? And does his anus blink once for yes and twice for no? No. So in this situation, you're the eye patient, right? So you're answering, can you see it or not? It's just yes or not. Yes. Exactly. And then he winks twice? No, he doesn't do anything. The asshole doesn't do anything. His butthole's just like anyone else says it can't really wink or blink unless some people's can, but I don't think his can. But I would think because he has his back to his patient, he'd need a way to communicate with them. Yeah, so she says, can you see it or can you not see it? And then he hears, so I guess he's kind of an anal optical oral. And I'm saying oral like a u. R oral. That means hearing.

Yeah. That means what? Hearing. Say it again? Auditory. I'm sorry, a little louder. Yeah. So you have problems with your auditory, you know. I might have to see your dad's anus.

Yeah, you might. Oh, my God. Yeah. See if you can. I might have to see your dad's anus. And he might have to see yours. That's part of it. Oh, it is.

Even if you have itchy eyes, he's like, might as well look down there. Well, mine does do the yes and no. Your dad? No, my anus. Oh. Wink once for yes and wink twice for no. So you're asking your anus. questions and it's answering in the mirror oh yeah at night and then three is fuck off like three

oh so you're asking kind of questions about the future i'll do anything outlook uncertain like it's sort of like a magic eight ball yeah like you know you just ask my my ass stuff and you know i'm not going to do it now no it's okay i wouldn't want you to yeah this isn't the place we'll do it in your dad's office yeah yeah exactly oh my god Speaking of doctors, wild, uh, wild petunia. What, what's your nickname? Wild Batunia. Oh, okay.

I just sort of, I thought I'd heard that somewhere. At Denny's, I heard it at Denny's. The breakfast restaurant? Yeah. Did you go there a lot? I used to work there. Yeah, that's where I heard it. Have you ever had moons over my hammy?

I have in your dad's office. Oh, that's, I don't think that was my dad you were saying then because he doesn't serve Denny's. He's a doctor. Yeah, but he looks a lot, he looks at those moons. That's so true. I thought that was one of his procedures. I'm going to have to moons over your hammy. Right.

Wink, wink. Yes, or no? Yes. Yeah. But speaking of doctors, do you have a dog? No. I had to take my dog into the vet. Today?

Two weeks ago. And this is a bit, I don't want to start the show off with a tragic story. Oh, no. But can we just get through it? Because I sort of have to emotionally emote. Are you an emotional person? Yeah. Like on a scale of one to 10.

10. Really? Yeah. I felt like you almost wanted to go over into an 11 or something. I could be. Depends how sad the story is. Oh, wow. Okay.

Well, here it is. Oh, you typed it up. No, no. I don't type. Okay. Typewriters don't even exist anymore. Okay. Are you still on a typewriter?

Tom Hanks says he collects them. Yeah, but he can't write. Don't say that. I don't think he can write. I just think he has like squiggly. Didn't he write that or maybe you just directed it? That thing you do, which could be anything. That's so ambiguous.

Yeah. So anyways, Kate, so you were doing that thing you do, which is telling the story about your dog. Yeah, so my dog, you know, I got him as a puppy and they all look so cute when they're puppies. They almost look all the same. And then he gets about a year and a half old, grows into his body, grows into his face. And I'm like, oh, my God. And I didn't know this. And I don't want to be insensitive, but I didn't know that dogs could get down.

like down poor little guy is your dog here no he's at the the play center today the doggy doggy play care okay but he got the down syndrome and so I take them in and I you know I got stuff of that I said can we close the door I don't want everyone else to hear and I go doc my damn dog's got down syndrome and he goes sir it's a pug and I'm just like you know these stupid pugs I didn't realize for about a year I thought my and you know literally looked like someone hit it in the face with a canoe paddle you've seen their eyes go so when you got your dog did you know what um breed it was or no you got like you got a surprise bag it was like it was one of these uh humane society just grab a dog and go grab a dog and run yeah and so the you know you've seen their eyes i mean you throw a frisbee

for a pug that way and they go that way and go get a muffin or something isn't that the truth You tell a pug to jump and he'll, and he'll go down to the dirt. You tell a pug to eat and he'll throw up. Tell a dog to sleep and he'll get awake. Yeah, they're dumb. Yeah. They look like, I saw, I was in a dog park the other day and saw a pug making love to an accordion. Because I think, you know, their faces are pushed in.

It looked like, I guess he thought it was another pug. Can you do your best impression of an accordion? Sure. And cut. I wasn't finished the song. I'm sorry. Go ahead. And action.

And now the solo. Wow, it ended up through blind mice. And I'm sort of wondering why I would have a solo if I was already playing it the whole time. And can I tell you also something in trying to take it personally? Don't take it personally. Don't take it. Harlan, please. It did sound kind of like a violin, what you were doing.

And that's, you were giving like, yeah. Yeah. And that's the beauty of when you're that good at an instrument, you can make it sound like another one. It's so true. Do you want to hear my piano? Yeah. Oh, wow. Sorry.

Don't. Okay, that was awesome. God, I love ordering you around. I loved how it ended on a donk. Yeah. Do you play an instrument? I play, like, the smallest amount of guitar a woman could ever play. What do you mean?

Elaborate. Oh, that's it. Yeah. You just hit the strings once and you're out. I can hit them open and I could. do GCD, maybe throw an E in there. Wow, GCD, also a sex act in West Hollywood. What does this stand for?

You better get down there and find out for yourself. I'm not going to verbalize. Oh, okay. Not me. What instruments do you play? That's almost like one of those naughty sex acts. You say it out loud, it's like Beetlejuice and it happens. If you say it three times it happens.

You say it once and it happens. Figure out the three letters. I don't want trouble. Okay. I don't want sex. Oh. I'm here to do it to chit-chat. Okay, sorry.

I'm not here. to slam? Sorry. I don't know why I have that energy. Why are you here? What were you thinking? No, I don't know. This isn't a slam fest,

baby lumps. Sorry. By the way, baby lumps. Is that one of your nicknames? Yeah. Where was that one from? Because when I was born, I had like a cyst that was a,

you know how some people have a cyst that's a twin? And it's filled of like teeth and hair. And they're like, oh, you almost had a twin. Oh, yeah. Like sometimes you see the Siamese. It's like a face growing out of a face. Exactly.

So when I was born, I had seven or eight of those and they were all over. And they really were babies. and they were lumps and they were everywhere. I had to get them removed. Yeah. Wow. Did any of them stick out as one you would befriend or be your best buddy?

Or did they all just get carved off and tossed into the garbage? Harlan. One of them was you. And I wanted to come and tell you that today. You're actually my little baby lump. I'm your cyst. You're laughing, but that's why I came here. It took me so long to find you.

I did track you down using DNA. Wow, don't say that out loud in West Hollywood. Sorry. That's a sex act. Yeah, right now. DNA. Well, so this is like a free session of Ancestry.com. Exactly.

I did all the work. I paid all the specialists. I paid a private investigator, doctors, everyone to hunt you down. And they were like, are you sure you want to find him? He's weird. He's hard to find. He has a nasty attitude, stuff like that. And I was like, I still want to.

He's my brother. I love him. He's my baby lump. I have to find it. I'm your lump. Yeah. And you're so big now. Did Lump ever have a nickname or was it just always Harland?

Harlan. Well, or Har-Har-Haw-Wi-H-Wi, Harwilly, Har-Haw-Haw-Eys. You know, like, how Oprah has Harpo, you are Harpoe. Oh, wow. Harwe. Sounds like a Korean dish. Harwee? Nice steaming bowl of Harwee with shrimp.

Harwee with shrimp. That was the other brother that we had that died. Oh, the other lump? Yeah, he didn't make it. Hey, everybody, listen here. Look at that extra hour of daylight is so good for the mental health, but so hard on the morning routine. And if you're like me, you spend your little time in the bathroom in the morning

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smell fresher, stay drier, and boost your confidence from head to toe with Mando. Speaking of pugs getting hit in the face with a canoe paddle, I didn't know you were Canadian until today. Wait, are you Canadian? I'm Canadian. Okay, I think I knew that. We're a couple of Canucks.

Where are you from? Saskatchewan. Toronto. And you're from Alberta. Yeah. I love it. Wait, how did you almost drown in the river in Saskatchewan? Oh, God.

So my father had his hands around my neck and he was holding me under. Classic. And I'm like, Daddy, Daddy, Dad. Help, help, stop. Daddy, I'll make my, clean up my room. Yeah. And he's like, boom. So my lungs filled up with water and a crawdad.

One crawdad got in there. And so I was out for about 12 minutes. And you wrote a book about that, right, called Good Dad, Codad. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's sort of a self-help, you know, kind of motivational type of book. Right. Yeah. So, okay, interesting.

So are your parents from Saskatchewan? Toronto. Everyone's from Toronto. Why did you literally go to Saskatchewan? Or was that? Oh, for the drowning. Yeah. You went for the drowning?

No, no. We were there on a fishing trip. Oh. And daddy just, you know, he goes, you know, his dad's tempers. Mm-hmm. Every dad, does your dad have a temper? Yeah. Like how, on a scale of one to ten?

Eleven. Oh, wow. Has he ever beat you around? Yeah. Yeah. Talk about it. I love these stories. My dad really liked a clean, quiet house.

and I was not a clean, quiet person, so. Really? Were you a little, like, punk rock or goth-y girl? I wasn't, I was just, like, weird girl. I wasn't, I was, I think goth would have been too cool for me. I have a feeling your bedroom looked more, sort of like a museum. Like, was there stuff everywhere? Yes.

How did you know that? That's true. Did you have a bedroom like that? Yeah, I did. I put, I put literal trash on my walls, like anything I could find out. And when I went to America and I went to wet seal, I got to go back to school shopping once in Buffalo. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Lucky you got in one of the stores before it burnt down. Exactly. And I went to Wet Seal and I had the bags that the clothes came in and I had it up on my wall because I thought it was so cool. Wow. What other's paraphernalia? If you don't mind me using that word, it's a biggie. Yeah, sure. What other paraphernalia did you have on your walls?

I had a Blues Brothers poster at an Austin Powers poster. I had a poster of Captain Jack Sparrow, who I was in love with. Oh, wow. I had the Wet Seal bags. I had some records. I think I had like the cars. or something, you know, like the album of it. Yeah.

And a lot of like just like trash from magazines. Would you have? I had like a lot of, I had my, my kids would come to my room. They thought it was a museum. Right. They were like, what's all this underwear? Like are these from all the dead girls that you had hurt? And you're like, some of them.

Wait, what now? I don't know what. I say what now, Cicely Tyson? Sorry. Why are you rubbing your arm? Did you get a needle today? I think, well, actually I went to the dentist this morning. And he took care of your arm.

Yeah. Did you get a root? My dentist does the old, he gives me like a snake bite on my arm so I don't feel what's going on. Oh, it doesn't hurt so bad. Like a diversion. I'm not, you know what my dentist told me this is real? Oh, here we go. Please, I'm dying.

He told me not to brush my teeth tonight. Tonight? Yeah. Are you guys going on a day? That's kind of dirty. No, he was like, I guess they did the, you know, fluoride? How it's like the protective layer on your teeth? Yeah.

They add it now with a little. nail polish brush they don't do like the trays anymore they hand paint it yeah artisanal okay and then he was like don't brush your teeth tonight and i said well i said well i'm gonna have chocolate like i can't be sleeping with sugar on my teeth and he was like well you shouldn't be having chocolate it's like what do you mean yeah we have to have chocolate i have to have chocolate every night before bed every night i mean milk chocolate or dark chocolate i think i know the answer but you tell me i think i already say on the count three one two three milk chocolate i have right now have a big bag a Hershey's kisses and you're you're out of your mind if you think I'm going to have dinner

and not have a Hershey's kiss after. Whoa. Got to finish with something sweet. Oh, you're mad. Hold down, hold down the podcast. I got to, I'm going to get you something right now. Don't get me chocolate. I can't brush my teeth tonight.

Oh, it's tonight. Well, give it to me anyways. Go on. Yeah, hold down the podcast. Don't say anything mean about me or stupid or defamatory or, you know, just don't say bad stuff about me. I'm going to get Hershey's kisses. Can you be nice for once, guy?

Okay. I mean, miss. Okay. What are you? Guy. Mr. Little mister. Just hold it down.

Let me get the kisses. Okay. Don't you. I'm not going to. I see something in those eyes. I wasn't going to literally. I'm afraid to go get the Hershey. Go get him.

Okay. Son of them. Harlan's so funny. I saw him on Dumb and Dumber when I was a kid. I've been obsessed with him ever since. And remember when he drinks the peeve. And he pulls him over and he goes, I thought that was so long.

What'd you do? Nothing. Ow. Look at this. Folks. Christmas kisses? Christmas Hershey kisses. It's been months.

Oh, this is actually. Will you share? Oh, a little Grinch with a hat on. Stink, stunk. This one says. That one's for you. I don't think that's a Hershey kiss. I think that's something else.

So you've been saving these since Christmas. For you? For me. Yeah. No. My new buddy. You didn't know I was coming here, Harlan.

So why didn't you like these at Christmas? Why you've been saving these since Christmas? Maybe I did know. Didn't I say I had a magic eight ball leg or something or a magic eight ball ass? Maybe I knew you were coming one lonely, foggy night, laying in bed, thinking about you. When she coming over? You know, here you are. Wow.

Okay, well, what's... Shall we open them? You want to make a toast? Yeah. I'd like to propose a toast to the baby lump I love most. Harland, Har-Har-Harr, Wee, Williams. Oh, God. Can I make a toast, too?

Yep. Okay. Hang on. Oh, my... Oh, God. What? Why don't I get to make a toast? I mean, you know what's funny about this?

Actually has breadcrumbs all over it. Oh, you are using it, okay. I thought it was just a prop for that. Oh, so you get to make a toast, but I don't. Go ahead. You're sassy, snappy, garlicky, a little Chinese, and a little fudgy. And I don't think I'm finished yet with you. By the way, since we're making toast,

Can I do something? We'll make a toast. Okay. But we're Canadian, right? By the way, give me one of these, pound puffer. Whatever. What's it called? Pound Pupper.

We're Canadian. And one of the stupid questions we always get is like, do you guys just eat French toast up there? I never got that question. If you could play along with my. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Trying to do a comedy podcast. So what's the deal with French Toast Nation up there?

Right. It's like, oh, oh, you guys can't just have bread. You have to have it with a little bit of eggs on it and maple syrup, right? Everywhere you go. I'm like, oh, I want a ham and cheese sandwich. They're like, do you want the toast to be French toast? See, that's what I was talking about. Yeah, exactly.

It's so annoying. So first question. And when I go to bed, they're like, oh, are you going to sleep on a little leaf because you're a tiny? And then when I want to, when I say, oh, I'm going shopping, they're like, oh, let me guess you're going to buy big pants that are waterproof. And when I say like, oh, well, I'm just going to grab a cup of coffee. Let me guess you're going to get it in a bowl and drink it with a spoon upside down.

Never ends. When I say, I've got to call my parents, I go, wait, you're Canadian. I thought your parents would be dead by now. They should be. Question, since we're both Canadian. Yeah. Don't want to say it too loud. Yeah.

Whoa, throat cancer. Canadian. Whoa, Muppet Canadian. Canadian. Whoa, possess satanic Canadian. Oh, thrash metal band Canadian. Guimped Canadian. Canadian.

Oh, British Canadian, eh? Canadian. Oh, singing Canadian. This is the other thing. I hope I know the answer. Parle of French? Yes, a bit. Oh, great.

So now that we both speak French, folks, this is how you make. make French toast, okay? You put the... Bonjour, bonjour, bejour, bejour. Right. You put the toast in the toaster, you put it down, and you just talk French to it. Okay. Where are the papillon, on the table, in the cravat?

Yes, where is, the papillon, the papillon, and in the maison. Oh, the maison, the, the maison, it's bare, with the fenet, the bonhe, if you please. Yes, we, very, beaucoup of chases in the maison. Oh, the chaise in the maison. Oh, man, jeal. Oh, mon Dieu, tabernac. Tabernac. Oh, sweet and sour.

And then look at this. You just do this? Please, French toast. Mine's still wet. That's what she said. Dude. My needs more. More French toast, okay.

Don't let le cold. Don't let table le calls. It's magnificent, no? Yes, it's good. Yes, it's good. The anana, the pan. The an anana, it's the scissors. The chival.

Yes, with the cravettes. Yes, with the cravettes. And a lot of the children and also the matins. The children are in a pantalone? Yes. Oh, it's good. With a lot of pantalon. Oh, it's a bonbon.

and the solace with the and eat the pompe amos. Mange the pompele mousse all the jure. Oh, all the year. The sex act

with in the Hollywood all the year. Yes. The sex act in West Hollywood. It is funny when people are speaking French and then they have to say

an English word. I know. I know. The sex act, they broke out of the American. That's funny. Oh, we could say le act du erotique. Act do, oh, you think that's sex act?

That's sort of like Parisian French. Oh, okay. Le act de la autotique. I love how fancy your hand gets when you're speaking French. Well, only the, excuse me, only the Paris French. Oh, okay. Because they're more flamboyant. It's Paris, right?

Right. Le Grand Paris. That's hot. Imagine if you have arthritis and you're in Paris and you're a great weight of. We can't even smoke a cigarette. Yeah. Oh, le cigarette. Oh, it's burning.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Bonjour. Hey, there you go. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, hey. That's good stuff. Oh.

So there you go, folks. That's how you make French toast. You want me to make you a little chocolate sandwich? I'd love it like a schmore. Yeah, like a schmour. Okay. Let me move. Well, you're doing that.

I'll move the toaster off the table. I'm putting a kiss in the middle of this toast, which is actually quite hot. So it's going to melt the chocolate. You can on my slice. And then I'm just going to kind of. Oh, wow. Wow, that's an aggressive schmour. So, that's almost like a fuck you, really.

If you bite that, that's got a nice melted chocolate inside. Wow. Try it. I love the shape. Yeah, you're going to love it. I didn't realize you were such a pastriere or a pastry chef, as I say in English. Yeah, look at that. Yeah, have it.

It's like the hand, forged by the hands of the Pillsbury doughboy's demented sister almost. Exactly. That's a good snack for baby. lump is it so good as it melts it inside you like it right oh my buddy sean keen a canadian comedian probably before your time he used to do a joke that i loved can i do it for you i'd love that he used to go n like he used to do this you go m he'd lower his voice you go mm i came up with a new i came up with a new recipe the other day they're called casper's assholes what you do is you get a marshmallow and you shove a hersey's kiss into it.

Fun. Hasper's assholes. That doesn't sound like a joke that smells, that smells like, smells like a good snack. It actually does sound good. Do you ever make ghost gum? Wait, let me get rid of this appliance because I know you told me, I read in your bio you get off on appliances, which is weird.

Yeah, so what? Well, I don't want to be a distraction. I made such a mess over here, oops. Oh, I don't mind. Hang on. Now I'm out tangled. This thing's hot. And so are we.

Okay. What were you going to tell me? By the way, your snack was really good, actually. I thought it would be. Because you know what? This is whole wheat bread. Brailed. That's you.

What did I do? Brailed. Why did I do that? I don't know. I didn't even know it. Hold on. Replay the tape. This is Whole Wheat Brad.

This is Whole Wheat Brad. Brad. This is Whole Wheat Brad. Brailed. Brad. Brad. Brad. Brailled.

Braille. Bray. Bray. See? What the hell is that? Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie.

But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at hardbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts, you name it, it's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Why do you have a phone number taped to that? Oh, because we have a hotline where people can call and leave messages. If you want to leave a message about Lisa, 3-2-3-6-9-6-0-2-2-2. Or we better do it in French too.

Oh, God. 2-2-2. Cise, 9, cease, 0-2-da-da-da. Yeah. Sounds like a divo song. The do-d-da-da-da-da. That's all I got to say to you, you English. pig. I didn't mean that.

Oh, man. Dude, it flew out of me like lasagna out of an Italian Granny's oven and right into your face. Oh, dude, what's going? Your Bongo Burger made me delicious. And that's not even to work. It's a hot dog from afar. It's a Hershey's Kiss wrapped in bread, but it does look like a hot dog, doesn't it? I think it looks like a Casper's asshole. What you do is you get a marshmallow and you shove a Hershey's kiss in it. I guess the marshmallow should be toasted already, or do you put the Hershey's

kiss in and then you roast it and then everything melts together. I don't know. It's not my recipe, but I like yours. What was this called again? Oh, it's called chocolate hot dog. Wow. It was really actually quite good. There was something, I don't, I'm not a health food guy, Lisa.

You're not? Verbal, mental, and psychological abuse. You just saw the trifecta folks. Here I am. Dr. Pleasantries, they call me. And I got a subtle, subliminal trifecta a verbal, mental, and psychological with that undermining, passive aggressive. Oh, you're not a health food.

Oh, ow. Oh, I feel like I'm being touched by seven priests right now in a root cellar. Thanks. Oh, so, okay. Like, just abused. And I ate your dog shit, your sandwich. Okay, so the only reason why I acted that way is because those were your ingredients that you brought. You had milk, chocolate, and whatever that bread was.

So that's why I was saying, obviously you're not a health food guy if you keep those things in the house. Health food people only eat like pumpkin seeds. Maybe I'll eat a parrot. Maybe I'll get a pet cone by a parrot. Don't eat a parrot. Maybe I will. But what I was trying to say before you triple psychologically mentally abused me, what are you doing? I'll get you sexual later if you want to hit all the abuses.

Yeah, we got to talk about the sexual abuse we've both been through. And it's not going to be in a good way. Like your listeners are probably like, wow, she's going to sexually abuse him. I'm saying, I'm going to grab this man by the dick, swing him around in the air, throw him off a balcony. Dick's going to probably stretch or come completely off. You're going to be screaming. Like, it's not going to be, like, you know, it's not going to be a good thing at all. So you're doing that to me later?

Yeah. Okay. And is there a name for that actual sex act abuse? Donkey swing. More like rhinoceros swing. Or like baby donkey. swing like something like that T-Rex swing

a little shrimply swing around Shrimply donkly swing around Godzilla Godzilla swing Maybe you got baby Jesus swing I'm not gonna tangle with the Lord You got me there

Yeah exactly Checkmate So you're Christian No thanks I'm busy Yeah You know what's funny about Christian I think about you when I hear that song sister Christian right I know why yeah does the name Slater ring a bell exactly that means

you fantasized me when you were a young girl no I did it but my sister did I knew it but I hate to say that no because she didn't give me proficient to say that all the girls fantasized over that character it was the one movie where I got to play the stud usually I was the goofy nutty guy you were still goofy and nutty I was still goofy and nutty but I had to play it sort of sexy it was the movie superstar with Molly Shannon, and I had to play this kind of mysterious kind of motorcycle riding guy. Did you ride the motorcycle yourself? Yeah, because I had a bike. So that was what made it great. They gave me an old Harley, and I got to just drive it around. Did they write that for you because they knew you could ride a motorcycle? No, they didn't know. So you really surprised them.

I surprised them. Did you like learn for the movie? No, I already had a bike. I had a bike for 15, 20 years already. I had my own Honda Shadow 750, by the way. Oh, oh my God. It's crazy. Let me say it again. I have my own bike, a Honda Shadow 750, by the way. Help. Was that a hit a mouse or something? Yeah, I was just trying to think what would be like a cool motorcycle noise to add.

I liked it. I feel like we were for a minute almost like a barbershop quartet. Yeah, we sounded good. We were harmonizing. What don't we do good together so far? What don't we do? Oh, see, okay. that was psychological, sexual, and hermaphrodite abuse.

You don't care. But what I was going to say is I did not expect chocolate, which I love too, by the way, mixed with bread, like whole wheat bread nonetheless, which I sort of bought this by accident. I thought it was white bread. I didn't read the label. And then the taste of the brown bread with the chocolate,

I actually was like, that's not bad. It's kind of like a Nutella sandwich or something. You might be on to some kind of new thing you created. Yeah. And it's Nut Tella, by the way. Oh, sorry. Ass. It's not Tella.

I thought it was Tella. Nut. Ass. As fuck? Okay. Fuck you. Sideways or... Whoa.

I've heard a stink eye before. That was like ass eye. Yeah. You ever get punched in the face? I think I'm about. Have you ever? Would you like to right now? No.

I don't have a chin, so you got to, everyone who tries to punch me in the face, it just goes right by. Whoa, whoa. Right, because that's the whole thing with the chin. It's like retractable. I'm like a pelican, like people will go for the punch and all I have to do is go like that. I don't even have to move my body. And you're like, where is he? Yeah, or I just have to go, oh, look there.

The chin, look at it, it's completely, and I'd be a great boxer. But, yeah, I've been hitting the face. Do you want to tell about what happened? One time. This is all a big ruse. I'm like a child psychologist that's been paid here to find out about your trauma. You think you're on a podcast. Oh, that's interesting, Harlan.

Do you want to tell us about the time you got punched in the face? Well, what you don't realize is I've been waiting decades to spill all my psychological trauma. And the fact that you kind of just walked into my web and volunteered to pull it out of me. Okay. I feel bad for you, but you've already offered so you can't go back. I'm making you a line here if you want to snort it. Oh, what is it? Crumbs? Yeah.

Ooh, I'd do that. Snort whole wheat crumbs? You wouldn't do that. I would if I'm trying to, I told you I want to eat healthier. I think this would give you a nosebleed. Let me try it. Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God. And I have no chin so I can get right down on the table. Want me to build it closer to you? Yeah, a little closer. Here we go. Oh, my God, Arlen. How was it? Fuck off.

Dude, you're rolling. Dude, you're flying. Holy shit. I feel like I'm in the land of Wonderbred. Oh, my God. What do you see? I see yeast. I see the Pillsbury doughboy.

No way. Fucking little Debbie. Dude, you're chivin. Oh, shit. I see Orville Redenbocker riding around on a popcorn guy. Yeah, he's on a pepperage farm like a spice loaf or something. Wait, this was cut with popcorn. Oh.

Oh, fuck. Um, Harlan, um, I think there might have been some popcorn in this. That's okay. Get the butter. Oh, no. Oh, no. You're really seeing Orville? Or as Marlon Brando said it in a last tango in Paris.

Get the butter. Get the butter. No, that's disgusting. I just realized what you're talking about. That's where he's back. Get the butter. That's, we're going to talk about a salt. Don't put.

Oh, dude. I know you like Last Tango in Paris. You do. Have you ever seen it? No, but I've heard about that scene that you're talking about. What is it? Tell me. It's something bad.

What? It's something bad. Tell me. Marlon Randall puts a stick of butter up, his own ass, without his own consent. That's what it is. Maybe, maybe not. Okay, tell me about the time you got punched. Oh, well, the time I'm thinking of it was more like a slap punch.

This guy, I was like, that's. school and I was in a library and I was I was taunting this kid I had a comment by the way okay I was like I was like taunting I was like pinching him and I was I was really pushing him and I didn't think he'd do anything and he just turned around and he went wham and he like right on the side of my head but hit my ear and so my ear just went like everything just went silent oh like I thought oh god did he break my ear drum but everything just went I was in like this silence. I was like,

and I went, you know what? Classic case of the asshole bully, bullying a kid. The kid said, I've had enough. Wham, and I never bugged the kid again. I deserved it.

I wasn't like wailing on the kid, but I was provoking him. I was like poking the lion in the cage. And this is when you were an elementary school teacher. He was one of your students? Possibly. You don't remember anymore? I don't remember.

Can't say. Did you get your hearing back in that one? pardon me see Casper's asshole that's just asshole yeah there's no Casper on that one

yeah unfortunately so Canadian yeah what can I ask what do you think about this whole 51st state deal as Canadians maybe we should air this out a little okay let me think 51st state so I love Drew Barrymore in it

and I think it's funny that she's lost her memory and I think it's romantic that he reminds her every morning and how it ends at the end where she's like watching a tape of their love story. I think it's sweet. Oh, 51st date. Isn't that what you asked me about? Yeah. Yeah, I think it's a wonderful movie.

You love it? Are you a big fan of hers? You must know her. I do know her. Yeah. Must be nice. I met her a few times. I wasn't dating her, but we went on.

So I did the press junket for something. about Mary. Uh-huh. And she had her own movie out at the time. Uh, I have to tell you something. What? Someone put gum under your desk. They did?

I just touched it. Who do you think it was? Let's see. For real? Yeah. I don't want to grab it. Can I feel? Yeah.

No. Where is it? Right here. You have to come over here. Yep, you're going to have to come over for it. What that? You feel that? That's tape.

Pull it then. No, because it's holding a wire. That's a piece of tape. Okay. Hey, what is that does feel like a bubble gun? Who did that? Who the hell did that? Can you believe the disrespect that your guests have for you?

I would never do something like that except for now I want to. What? I'm feeling the bubble go. Well, bring it out or leave it alone. Oh, freak. Wait Falling apart Is it really?

No What was it? Did you see it? Yeah, it's dumb No You know who it was? You're going to have to come back your own thing No, I know who it was.

It was John Stamos. He was here two weeks here. Let's move this down so we don't block your beautiful face. Don't see what you. beautiful teeth, by the way. This isn't cutting out for me in my head. Oh, it is? Yeah.

Oh, wait, let's see. Hey, everybody, my brand new book, Uncle Milton, is here at last. It's a collection of strange but wonderful short stories, and you can read that along with some of my other books. I bet you didn't know that I wrote books, did you? It's a little secret I've had. We have Crave with Zombie Stories, and we have journeys, people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life.

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How'd you do it? Wonderful. Papa don't preach. I'm keeping the baby. Daddy, please don't. It wasn't his fault. He means so much to me. You know what?

Sing it. Daddy, please don't. We're going to get married. Ah, Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble now. Papa don't preach. I've made up my mind. I'm keeping my baby.

I'm going to keep her baby. Would you keep my baby? baby? I think you would. I don't know. A little rascal like that running around the world? Yeah. Wait,

do have kids? Soon, sounds like. Put this down. See, here's what I think. You mentioned your teeth. I went to the dentist.

And they're so beautiful and white that I don't want them to be too hidden. Oh, sorry. And that's another order. Okay. I love bossing you around. So fun. You can boss me around if you want once.

Pour your drink on your head. Damn it. Don't. Orlin! What? Honey, wait, are you saying you ordered me? Was that a gag?

Who's a gag, man? You son of a beautiful toothed woman. When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends. You watch your friends now. You watch your friends. Speaking of hair. Yeah.

You have beautiful teeth, beautiful long blonde hair. You're screaming at me. Yeah, because I'm jacked. Daddy's jacked like a pineapple sitting at the edge of a Honolulu boat harbor sucking on a Hawaiian punch. You're Jack like Robin Williams is Jack in that weird movie where he's a big kid on the playground. Oh, yeah. Do blondes have more fun?

Absolutely, honey. Does this answer your question? Disco, Disco nights. I'm going out to the disco nights. Me and all my friends are going to the disco night. And no brunettes are redheads allowed. Blond's only, blonde, only blondes only disconytes. Disco nights, ah, ha, ha, ha.

I'm laughing on nights. I'm laughing, laughing, laughing at the disco night because I'm a blonde baby, baby, baby, blonde. Disco nights. See? Ask any blonde woman, they know that song. It's called disco, comma, disco night. I want to get in on the club.

You can't. You don't have blonde hair. Ah, shut up. Okay, sing the song. Now you know it. Word for word. I'm your boogeyman. That's what I am.

I do what, whatever I can. Shake, shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, and then shake your vulva. What's the line? Well, shake your vulva? Wait. How does it? Shake your colon.

Shake your colon. Colin cancer. No, what? It could be. I don't know. I'm not familiar. I don't remember the words. Shake your leukemia.

No, how does it go? I'm not sure. That's the blonde boy song, so I wouldn't know. Yeah. Um, I want to talk to ye, if you don't mind me doing a little Shakespeare. Can I tell you something about ye? Please. You know how it says ye old pub?

Yeah. Well, the letter Y is just an old Germanic letter that was supposed to be the sound. So it is still the old pub. Say that whole thing again? Letter Y is just like an old letter that was supposed to represent the TH sound. So it's still saying the old pub, but we say ye old pub because we forgot about what that letter used to be. And how you enunciated the... Is that okay?

Is that ASMR? It almost sounds like... And I know what you're doing. You're giving me and my 15 viewers a lesson in English history. Yeah. I took an etymology course in college. How much did you eat? Amology.

Wow. You must have been hungry that day. Oh, yeah. You must have graduated. Oh, yeah. But it almost sounds like a bit of a... rude like if you could verbalize oh well you're thinking of the shakespeare thing because isn't that also that i bite my thumb at you thing isn't that like a noise that they would make to right but the

way you did the yeah not not hmm just clean no not no no oh I know that whole sister oh I know that horrid, house of a thousand silent farts? Yeah. Wow. How'd you know them all? All the, yeah. No, it's from Knight of Roxbury. Remember?

Oh, damn. Yeah, I remember because I had to do a movie review with Will and Chris Catan. Uh-huh. I had to do like a half-hour Comedy Central special where I hung out with them and interviewed them. Oh, this was you, Will, doing a microphone. That was such a crazy act out. You were like, I had to interview those guys. And it was tough because I watched the movie and I hated it.

And me and Will were buddies, and I had to tell them. I don't like to bullshit people. And I said, Will. You hated that movie? I hated Night at the Roxbury. Because you were jealous you weren't in it. No, I love Will. Look at me.

You were a jealous of. Hey. Be honest. Can you be honest. Hey. I like that last one. That was the long... Kiss good night.

The movie theater, silent fart. Yeah, right. We just let it drift. It sounds like an airplane fart to me. What kind of plane do you want? I'll give you one. A little one with a little tiny propeller. Okay.

And open air cockpit, two people. Okay, ready? Yeah. Close your eyes. Oh, it's coming from far away. It's in a different country right now, but it's... Not what I ordered at all. That's not my...

Oh. Loop to loop. I think you knew a plain sound that you could make, and you were going to make it no matter what. Yes or no? Yes. So what was the point of? having me order my artisanal plane because i wanted to fuck with your brain again

well didn't work right because then all i heard was a billing 747 i want to know when you're going to let me fuck with your brain is it 747 or 787 i think it's 345 878 926 775 309 r2 d2 c3PO does that answer your question exactly um second city yeah you were in Second City in Toronto. Yeah. What a place is where all the greats came from. John Candy, Catherine O'Hara, Martin Short, Eugene Levy, Harold Ramis. There's more.

There's more. Joe Flaherty, Dan Thomas. Justin Trudeau, Pierre Trudeau, John Critchin. I said funny. Oh. But I want to try some. If you're up for it. Sure.

You did a lot of improv, you did a lot of Second City, and it's all comedy, right? It's all comedy. It's all like based in comedy. I used to do an improv thing with one of my Canadian buddies where we do a comedy show, like an hour-long sketch, like Second City-esque type of show. And then just to challenge us, because comedy is what we do. Sure. We would say let's do one skit where the goal is to not get a laugh.

Oh, okay. And I find, and this is for real. Oh, that's what you do on this podcast. I was wondering why. When I was listening to it, I was like, oh, there's something up. Now I get what you do. Hold on, now my headphones. I'm not hearing anything.

What, did you say something? It does seem like you're trying intentionally to not be funny on your podcast. I can't hear a damn. I might have to shut it down again. What were you saying? It seems like you're trying to not be funny on your podcast. Ah! Ah!

Almost hit me in the chin. So you want to try it? Well, here's the thing. This is for real. We did it because it was such a fun challenge because when you sort of have your... Man who says because every three words? We did it because we thought because it would be funny

because there was two of us because we were trained to the second city because when we were on stage because... That's you. Because, because, because because because... Because of the beautiful because I does. Dini-ne-ne-de-ne-de-ne. I am off to see the word. The annoying fucking wordsmith.

Is that the Cosby song? No, that's the Tin Man. Oh, because you were saying Cosby, Cosby, Cosby, Cosby, Cos. Oh, right. Because we've been drugged again. Oh, I woke up with my pants on backwards. Yeah, that is the Cosby song. Sorry.

But here it is. Somewhere over the rainbow. Bluebirds sing. And pot on the rainbow Why then a white And I can die Whoa And then a crow always comes along

And messes it all out Oh I thought that was the witch Oh no Okay close your eyes We're going to play witch or crow One more time Baby getting pinched as it comes out of mother's vulva It's witch or crow

Oh, sorry, it sounds like Like a baby getting pinched up. You ever pinched off of who? Close your eyes. I'll get you, my pretty. Witch. Crow? No, that one was witch again.

Huh. Anyways, let's play your game. Well, now I feel sort of defeated and almost sexually abused, to be honest. Not yet. You'll know. Okay, so we're doing a sketch where we are trying to not get lost. But here's, I want to let the 17. or 18 viewers into the psychology of what we do.

Okay. What we do. Okay. We are programmed to find the laughs. Where is the laugh? Show me what the laugh is. I will discover it. We're laugh robots.

We're obsessed with the stuff. I say art two. Where is the laughter? Oh, my. This spaceship is entirely filled with laughs. I say art too. I'm a homosexual robot. Bend me over your inkjet printer and pound me.

Um, Furby robot. But, um, real lucky Furby. Furby also a sex act in West Hollywood. If you're interested, I'm just throwing stuff out there. Stop giving me the menu. I'm not interested. Okay.

You don't want to fly by night like rush. Now, we're programmed to do like the funny. We are, right? Oh, yeah, okay. And so sometimes when we try to do, excuse me, a skit that's serious, I find it actually a little more interesting and stimulating because I'm not looking for the funny, but sometimes our brain points us there.

And what I find funny is when I would do these serious skits, the audience would find laughter in stuff where I'm not even being funny. Right. And so what I'm proposing to you is we do a really basic premise. Okay. An English married couple. We have to be English.

That already kind of sounds like. Okay, I'll be English. English. You're talking about British? British. Because you know you're already being funny about that. I am. If you didn't want it to be funny, we wouldn't be British.

But that's the challenge I'm going to make it not funny. But then why are we British? See, already I'm getting blocked. Well, I'm just saying, if you're earnestly wanting to make something not funny, I'm this close to eating a Casper's asshole. Okay, fine, we'll be British. But I get to be a little boy. Boster around again.

Can I feel that bubble gum again? Sure. Oh, really. Do you think it is? It might be a little warm. It's definitely disrespectful. Anyways, I'm just, I don't know who put it there. I think it was stymol.

I'm ready to play the game now. Yes. So here's the scenario, wide open. We're a British couple. But I'm a little boy already said. Oh. You're going straight to prison. I just got blocked again.

Okay, little. British couple and I've caught you cheating and we'll just go through it. Whatever comes out comes out and you end the scene because we need an ending. When you get up and walk off, that's the ending. It could be one minute. It could be 10 minutes. Okay. Okay.

So you're really, you're wanting me to be like a woman. Yeah, for real, serious, not even going for a laugh. And it's what I might, my part of this exercise is what's amazing is people will find the laughter in it. We won't know because we're here, but people will find things funny that we don't. And I want you to write in if you find something funny. Okay. Okay. Uh, what are our names? I'll be Tim. I want to be a little boy. But I can't be married to a little boy. Why can't you be my dad? Why can't we be having a serious conversation? Okay. You keep saying I'm blocking you, but you're blocking me. Okay. So where are we? Just tell me where we are. We're in the wedding

chapel. We just got married. to a little boy I'm kidding I'm kidding okay we're in um you just pick me up from school so you are a little boy yeah okay ready

yep and then you you get to end it by walking out at any point instead of walking out I'm gonna okay you'll just bend down okay or you can even yell cut or whatever so I'm your dad

and really action hello Timmy I was school today, son. It was fine, father, but I haven't made any friends yet. I remember when I was a little boy, your age to me. It took your daddy almost two years to make a friend. So don't feel bad, my boy, it'll happen. How did you make your first friend, Daddy?

That's a funny story, really. Can you tell me why you're driving? Well, you could maybe drive me to Maccas. Maca-Donalds. Ah, you want some McDonald's for dinner, son. I'm hungry, and I've had a whole day and all that. Would you get out on the playground? Your mother didn't give you a lunch.

She did, but I'm hungry again. That's all right. Drive me to Maca's and tell me about the time you made your first friend. Yes, yes. That's a good idea, son. Let's go to McDonald's. We'll get to go through the drive-thru. Would you like that, or would you like to go inside?

I'd love to go through the drive-thru. Ah, well, that's what we're going to do then. Thanks, Dad. Special day. Special day for me and you. Driving through the drive-thru on the way home from school. I wish I could have done that with my own, Dad, really. You never got to do much with your own dad, did you?

He passed away when I was five years old, son. I wish I could have known my grandpa. We can stop by up at the graveyard on the way home from the McDonald's if you'd like to visit his gravesite and say a few words. You never told me he was buried in London. I would have loved to see his chium stone and drop a flower on it. I'm afraid it's a bit of a black stain on me father's name, son, I never want you to know about. Daddy, you're driving crazy.

It's not, son, I've got the Parkinson's. Daddy, I'm scared. It's okay, son. Put your seatbelt on. You're going awfully fast. I know, son, but we've got to get to McDonald's before the 24-hour drive-thru closes. It's okay, Daddy. Just drop me off at home with mum. You shit. There and shut your mouth if you know what's good for you.

Daddy, does Mother know you've picked me up, even after your separation? I didn't know that Wednesdays were your days. Daddy, you're driving so fast. Don't talk about her where we're in my Jaguar. Oh, sorry, Daddy. Say Daddy again. No. Are you a boy or a girl, I forget.

Daddy. It's me, Dylan. Dylan? That could be a boy or a girl. Dylan, Jamie. Jamie could be a boy or a girl, too. Dylan, Jamie Kelly. Kelly could be a boy or a girl, too.

What are you? Jamie Kelly, Sam. So you are a girl boy. She's a great guy. Oh, is I supposed to leave? No, I ruined it. I did a bit at the, I did a joke at the end. I didn't think it was funny.

Don't worry. Sexual abuse. How did that feel? Wasn't it fun? It was fun. And you know what? It was a drama, I thought. Yeah.

Because then when you were getting scary, it was like, this could be an award-winning movie. Yeah. But it was neat to feel the energy between the father and the son. Yeah. I wanted to know what happened to the dad. I know. Why do you think he had a black mark on his name? I was going to say he was involved with the old gangs of London, like the Irish gangs and the

British gangs, you know, because they had some mean, badass people back then. like here we have the mafia we have the bloods the crips but back in old old and the old british days they had out it they'd really cut your mouth into a smile like the joker yeah like the joker yeah what else do you know that they did that you think i don't know hang on what else did they do why do you drink your drink in such an aggressive way is it because you're afraid to be caught slurping earnestly hang on i just remembered okay they considered themselves at home, considered themselves part of the family.

We have a lot to spare. Who cares? Whatever we got we share. And if the chance to be, we should see some harder days, empty larder days, why grouse? And it's not to be somebody to foot the bill and the drinks are on the house. Thank you for that.

You're welcome. What was your question? I don't remember. Oh, why you slip so aggressively. I like it. It makes the drink foam up in your mouth. So it's carbonated, right? You ever shake a Coke?

Yeah. Wow. Are you laughing to me because I'm blonde? I don't know what it is, but that just was giving, like, I used to babysit a lot, like little boys, and that was so like, well, it's carbonated, right? So when you, you ever shake a Coke? Because when you drink it and he gets, like, fizzy in your mouth,

that's awesome. You can drink it so fast. That's about it. That's my answer. That's your energy. That's my answer, but you answered it better. And they let you live here by yourself? Yeah.

You don't have anyone looking after you? I have a keeper. Oh, okay, good. But it's daytime still. Oh, the only come at night. Keeper doesn't come down until seven. Keeper comes at seven. With the duct tape and the eye braces.

Eye. Yeah. Oh, and you know what? What? The drinks are on the house. I wonder if you're a. roofer and you get thirsty and you go up on the roof because you know the drinks are on the house right right but if another roofer hands it to you you'll get roofied oh right

oh you might even get shingles have you ever heard that joke about the roof no tell me never mind it's over your head are you posing no strike a pose strike a pose do you do do do do do do do strike a pose oh Madonna you just got Madonna'd beaught You weren't going to call me

Biot were you? No No no no no no Swo Something's come over me since I've become a blonde Yeah Why do you have more fun being a blonde though Have you ever been Brunette? Yeah

And is there a difference When I was Brunette I had to be a lawyer And I had to wear a jacket And I had to carry a briefcase and I had to be just doing accounting. Wait. Did you hear that?

Yeah. What does it mean? It means the drinks are on the house. Harlan. What? I just heard something power down. Oh, you're right. It was the camera.

Wait, what's... See, I'm the only person that cares about this podcast. Oh, my God, you're so right. Wait, it did go off. Thank you. you said that hold on and we were almost done this feels like this is not even a podcast it's just the house of a maniac who thinks he has a podcast hey I think I posed too hard I thought that was my phone oh god you're stupid wow that's so weird the sound and the camera

went out oh you're a genius like you I want to say I want to where commendables need to be commendables. Thank you. And by the way, stupid, no, I'm a dumb blonde. Oh, okay. Cheeky. So twice in this episode, it's never happened before. We had two technical glitches.

Yeah. We had sound or audio, as you call it. Oh, is that what you're calling audio issue is when you punched this off of the table? Oh, that, yeah, that was, that was like, that was equipment. That was a freak audio. That was an equipment issue, an audio issue. and then we just had a camera issue where the camera mysteriously just went off.

I thought it was my phone beeping. You were present enough to realize it was the camera. Can you believe it? Bless you, Tech Angel. Yeah. I'm just sitting here on pins and needles wondering what's going down next. Well, I'm very intuitive.

So if there's ghosts in the space, I'll be able to feel that. Something just, oh, that was my phone. You are intuitive. Are you a Scorpio? I'm a Libra Last Day Libra Oh wow You are intuitive

Huh What are you Scorpio I always lead with my own thing Oh you're like Oh you Scorpio Yeah It's something I like about you

You Scorpio I don't know anything About any of the signs really Me neither I just You know I get people I think when I meet people And they start blasting me

With all that stuff It's a little intense Well because I never know What they think about me They're like oh what are you And then I go a Libra and they go, oh, like they don't want to share with me. There's something wrong with me. Well, Scorpio is worse.

When you say your Scorpio, every woman ever, they go, oh. Oh, you think that's what's making them say that? The drinks are around the house. So you meet women and you start talking to them and they go, ooh, whoa, whoa. They freak out. Yeah, just because I'm named, just because I'm named after a water sign for a creature that lives in the desert. and there's no water. Just Harha-Haw-W-W-W-W-W-E.

Okay, but you know what I like about Har-H-H-H-H-H-H-Wi-Wi. Everyone knows this. He's very friendly, and he can do tricks. Okay. If you put this on the brim of Har-Haw-Wi's hat, he can flip it into his mouth like a dog. Do you want to take it out of the wrapping first, though, wild fingers? Wow, so you're that confident this is going to land in your mouth.

Hell yeah. That's crazy. I guarantee you this is going to land on the floor. Nah. Okay. Come here, Har-Har. There's no way. What do I have to do?

Flip it. I don't know how you're going to get that in your mouth. There's no way. You got to give me bonus. I have no chin either. So to flip my neck back like that is extremely hard without a chin. I'm going to tell you. I have no leverage.

I have no fulcrum. You don't have to flip. I think if you flip it back, it's just going, get that in your mouth without your hands any way you can. Do you believe in miracles? Yes. Oh, no. you got it i'm going to cg i'm going to cg i'm not an idiot i'm not a blonde idiot where did it go is it in my hair is it in my beautiful blonde hair i my hope is that it is it's

it's right here look i got a casper's asshole on my head you do you really do it does look like casper's asshole like imagine casper sitting on the ghost toy and pushing out a little ghost turd, because ghosts don't eat a lot. But they do eat. And in Casper, they eat, and it just plops onto the ground. But doesn't, if a ghost,

if Casper did a shit, that really... That would be cute. That would be a cute little shit. Yeah. Let me a cute little shit. Is that your ghost voice? And that's your voice. It'd be a cute little shit.

Come here and let me give you a Casper's asshole. Oh. what time what time um you ready for our final segment yeah and by the way can i tell you what a pleasure it's been here can i give my viewers some credit they wanted you here i didn't i hope i didn't want you here but they did what if they regret it now what if they're like i mean do you want to say anything to them just a little you know i can thank you for thank you for

being a reference for me and thank you for supporting me and thank you for supporting me and And I'm sorry, if I made this episode annoying, sometimes I do that. No, no. It was amazing. And we're not even done yet. We have our final segment. You ready? Yeah.

Da-da-da-da-da-da. This is called Words from a Wooden Shoe. It's an authentic Dutch clog. Cute. And you reach in, there's random words, and you see if the word connects to your journey in life, someone you met, something that happened to you. Okay. Whatever.

Whoa. What's in there? Electric shoe. What is it? Well, I'll tell you one thing. And I'm going to see if you can guess what word this is. Okay. First clue.

It's misspelled. Um. Second clue. Okay. It's something that, um, now I've changed the game to charades now. Okay. Okay. I like it.

Oh, but I, I should do it not in a visual medium. first word is the opposite of or is a synonym for choose cinnamon toast because i choose cinnamon toast okay no so not not cinnamon for choose it's it's a synonym for choose as in select oh um take pick um and it's take it's pick second syllable is a basketball team Pick. Is that a basketball team? Yeah, the Knicks. Okay, so you had spelled it P-I-C-N-I-C-S.

Right. Is there anything you see wrong with that? Not what I come from. I went to DeVry. I went to DeVry. Guy. Can you guess which letter doesn't belong? The K.

Yeah. So what are we going to do for next time? Not go to DeVry. No. P-I-C-N-I-C-S-Y awesome awesome no so that would be pick picnick C so we'll don't have to add another letter in place of the K just don't put the K what if it's a silent Y added and nobody knows that's not really how okay hello DeVry I working for you in the 70s 80s 90s and 207000 so you're you're with There's picnics.

Picnics. Okay, so picnics makes me think of, let's see. Picnics. This is actually an interesting exercise because I do Ask Cat a lot. I know you don't want to talk about sex acts, but there's a show called Ask Cat at UCB. Okay.

And we always have like a celebrity monologist come. You should do it. And the audience gives them a random word and they have to tell a story and then we do improv around it. And I've always wondered. Well, you do improv? Well, still?

Right off my chin. Went right by. Nice to try. Thank you. Okay, picnics, picnics. Hmm, this is hard. Okay. Well, it's not an improv game.

It's, is there a moment in your life? I know. That's what I'm saying. Okay, sorry. I thought you might have needed extra explanation. No, because that's the format of the show. The guest tells a story based on a suggestion from the audience. And I always wondered if it would be hard to think of the story on the spot.

Oh. Okay, so picnics makes me think of, I guess I have like kind of a crazy auntie. And she would take us to drive in movies and pack a lot of snacks. And that was fun. but she also was the type of auntie who she definitely at my birthday when I was like 11 brought for me a gift that was a big cardboard box filled with old lingerie. Old lingerie. Ooh, what that smell like?

When you opened it, what was the waft? Was that like clam chowder or something? Yeah, exactly. Honestly, tell me. I mean, when you open a box. No, I'm not going to tell you. Senior citizens lingerie. You're going to get all worked up.

I mean, I already feel a bit queasy. I mean, when you open, how old are we talking? Is this old lady? No, okay. So the lingerie was like previously worn by her, I think. Right. But it wasn't old as in like a senior citizen. Oh, okay.

So all right. Go ahead. Still a bad gift to give to an 11 year old. Yeah. An 11 year old girl. You didn't even know what it was. You probably thought they were doilies. Well, I remember thinking they were like just really big,

silky pajamas. And I was like, why would I want these? And with no crotch in them. Exactly. Huh. Covering your. and butter and stuff like that. Get the butter.

Yeah, get the butter. You sound like Boston Rob when you say that. Do you watch Survivor? No, no, I'm doing Brando. I know what I'm saying. You sound like Boston Rob. Don't take the best actor that's ever lived and downgrade me to a game show contested. Oh, you're the best actor that ever lived?

Brando was and that's who I'm doing. I could have been someone, Charlie. I could have been a contender. Wow, you sound so much like Boston Robb from Survivor. I could have been a contender, but not on a reality show. and Oscar in a movie down by the waterfront. I could have been somebody. Say, I love you, Amber.

I love you, Amber. See, you sound exactly like Boston Rob. Fuck. You're manipulative, and I like that. You have many nipples. Okay, what do you want to say about picnics? Oh, you're turning around on me, because usually it's just for the guest.

Oh. But I can, I can try and, you know, parlay a picnic story. Vois, voile, voe, voe, voe, voe, voe, with schois, yeah. But wait, that's your picnic story. Well, picnics made me think of my aunt who would take us for like picnic lunch in the back of a pickup trap to watch the movies. And then I thought of how she brought lingerie to my birthday. Isn't that enough?

No, that's fine. Whatever it is, it is. But now I'm going to try and think of a picnic story. And, God, a picnic's not that easy, is it? Uh-huh. Okay. I had an uncle. Liar.

We are at a picnic. The whole family's there. He pulls out a box. full of his old vibrators. No. Liar. That was a lie. What's that sound that's happening now?

It sounds like someone's on a treadmill. Oh, that's someone outside hammering. I knew this was a porno house. Listen. Do you hear that? Because there's something in your cans. No, I heard something outside. No.

Okay. I want to tell a story about a friend of mine. A friend, okay. So I have this friend who has like this beautiful tile in his house. And somebody once was like, oh, I love this tile. I've seen it in a porn. magazine. Oh, wow.

And then showed my friend the picture of the porn that happened in his own house. No way. Yeah. You have porno stuff? Not me. This is a friend. Oh. Have you ever been in a porno?

I'm just asking. I don't want to know. They do. I bet you have. Oh, God. You're in the background, like holding the boom like, oh. No, no. I'm the main actor.

No, you're not. I am. No, you're not. Yeah. Huckleberry ride machine, they call me, in the industry. The Huckleberry ride machine. Ryder, Huck Rider, they call me. Huck Baby Rider.

Yeah. Baby Lump. And I do any, like I'll do girl on girl, guy on guy. Wait, you'll do girl on girl? Yeah. So you're not part of it. I'm nuts about girls, so I'll do girl on girl. So you are holding the boom.

No, I'm in it. I'm one of the, I'm the main actor. I'm the main pumper. You're the couch? I'm the main fuck. I thought. I thought. I feel like you're like.

Hard. I do hard. I do it. Like I power, power steam. I'm the main power hammer smither. Say what you think a condom is. It's a place in Florida where you do a time share and you go down and you stay there. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. So what's your picnic story, Virgin? I'm trying to think because I know there's probably a great one. I'm bummed that I don't remember it. I can remember being in Florida once. I have to tell you something. I'm distracted because your phone keeps lighting up and I'm realizing the background of your phone

is you holding a fish like you are your own grandpa. Yeah, I love fishing. Do you keep seeing the picture? Let me show them because now they're going to want to, they won't believe you. Wait, let me clear all the. The only picture that I have on display is my grandpa holding a fish. So in a way, you are your own grandpa.

Wait. All right. Here we go. There's me holding a, did you know what kind of fish that is? Let me see. Let me see. Hang on.

Oh, that's a stinker. Do you know what kind of fish it is? Stinky sloppy? No. What is it? Salmon? It's a red fish. A red fish?

That's Florida. I know, but if you look at it up close, look at the fins, there's a little red hue on the fins. Wow, so you really are into that kind of stuff, huh? Yeah, I love fishing. Do you love it? I'd love to take you fishing tomorrow. Are you busy? Where do you fish?

I know on water. Where? No, no lake. Say what you think of fishing. it is like a thing i do when i'm working in normal movies exactly um okay picnic sorry i got distracted by your phone background oh thank you what's your phone background it better not be a picture of me it's nothing right now it's just flowers because i had it set to a gremlin and then i started getting scared of it at night would you be willing to share it the way i did or you would be selfish

My phone background right now, I change it to literally just generic flowers. Oh. But it was. Wait, hold it up so they can see it. Shush. Because I'd like them to compare who has a better phone background. You know, stupid wallpaper versus a beautiful fish out in nature, taken from the sea, taken from the... This was what it was before, just before I changed it because at night I kept getting scared when it would light up.

Oh, my God, you have glorious nails. What? Are those French tips? Yeah. Oh my God. Where do you get yours done? I don't. I did it myself.

I do mine at Tantastic. It's not only nails, but I do that they have the tanning beds. Tanning bids. I'll do. Oh, wow. Is that Patton Oswald? Yeah. Oh, God, he's looking a little thinner.

It went out. That's cute as hell. Yeah, but it was scaring me for some reason at night. Yeah. If it lit up, I was getting a little scared. I don't know. I get scared. really easy.

You do? Yeah. Are you scared right now? Um, no. Oh, easy, Dr. Detroit. So tell me your picnic story. Uh, the only one I can think of is I was down in Florida, actually where that picture was taken.

Okay. And I had an outdoor barbecue. Okay. And I had a picnic table there. And I cooked a T-Bone steak and I was by myself. And it's when everything, the world just settled. and I had a golden, beautiful, in Florida, the sun goes down really slow. So the sunsets last 45 minutes, an hour.

And I just sat there and I had a steak and God was watching me. And the sky was purple and yellow and all these beautiful. And it just, I just sat there and I ate my steak and I was one with nature. And it was a beautiful little picnic by myself and God. That's beautiful. It was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. with me. You're welcome. You feel a little vulnerable now? I do. What are you going to do? I'm not

going to do anything. You feel okay? I feel like you said vulnerable like maybe you're planning something. Well, I'll have my defenses are down. Who knows what you're going to do? Want to punch my face? It's not going to be something you expect. Well, Lisa, before we go, I'd like you'd like you to tell these people who wanted you here and thank you because I loved having Lisa here will you tell them where they can see you watch you go to your social media any specials like let them have it oh I guess South by Southwest I'm gonna be there doing improv

if anyone wants to come over I'll say hi to you give you a big hug and a kiss wait where are you doing it South by Southwest where or when it's like where at a like a comedy club or a yeah it's part of the festival Is there like a second city there? I don't know what the theater is, but I'm doing March 7th, 8th, and 9th. I'm doing Comedy Bang Bang, Ask Hat, and Improvunits. And that's in Austin, right?

Mm-hmm. Wow. And do you want people to know about your social media? Do you stand up? Do you do... Did you hear that? It went out again. Fuck, it did.

Wow. You know, this one's still recording. Thank God. That's so weird. Look at that right at the end, dude. It's like my camera wants you gone. Maybe it's full. You know, it was about a four-hour chip.

That's it. The camera really doesn't like you. But I like you and they like you. I love you and they love you. We all love you. Like real love. Real? Not lust love, not fake love, not love bombing, but just carte blanche.

Love. God love. Godly love, human love, one-on-one love. Wow. Do you feel it? Yeah. That's my girl. Thank you.

That's my boy, my little British boy. Yeah. That's it. South by and then at the Lisa Gilroy on all the socials. Hang on. Anything you want to plug other than your own fist up your ass? Yes, I would like to hang on. Oh, you're going to do this.

Thank you. Thank you for bringing it up. Oh, my God. I'd like to... Oh, my God. Harlan, Jesus Christ. Unplug the toaster. Okay.

So it was... I didn't want to plug anything, but I wanted to do an unplug. So it was... There's a plug, and this is unplugged. Okay. Now my toaster's upside down, and the crumbs are everywhere. What a mess. What a hot, beautiful mess, though.

Do you cause this much trouble wherever you go? I think you're... causing all the joll yourself, if I'm honest. I did make some crumbs, but you snorted them. You brought the toast. French toast. Oh, should we say goodbye in French? Sure.

O'levoie. A binto. Ovoire, si you play, my guest today. Uvre le Bouch. Go. Oh. Right in the blonde. Right in my blonde bush.

You said Uvre Le Bush. Yeah, I did. Thanks for having me, Harlan. Oh, my plush. pleasure. Thank you, Har-Hare-Wi-Wee. You're welcome. Lisa Gilroy, everybody. Thank you for being here on the Holland Highway podcast. Check her out, South by West, Southwest. Check out her stuff on YouTube and on the internet and Instagram. And until next time, everybody, chicken chamein. Au revoir. Do you know any Italian?

Arrivederechi. That's Chinese. But good improv. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one.

Your very own personalized Harland.