The Harland Highway - MARCH MADNESS - HARLAND HIGHWAY PODCAST

Episode Date: March 6, 2022

A call from AUNT RUTHY, The Question of the day, A call from BOY GEORGE, Crazy News Story! ENJOY! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello everybody. Harland Williams here. Welcome to another special one-off of the Harland Highway podcast. I do them from time to time, just to keep all of us amused. You and me and everyone in the spirit world. What a show we have today? Aunt Ruthie left a message. I don't know what she's going to go on about today, but apparently she left a message on the voicemail here at the studio. so we'll be listening to that. And then a very important Harland Highway question of the day today concerning women and their buttocks, as Forrest Gump would say. That's right.

They're buttocks. Also, I hear we're getting a call from Boy George, the British pop superstar sensation. So I guess he's calling in from somewhere. I'm worried about that because he's usually drunk. And then also a crazy news story involving fishing and prostitution and cancel culture.

It's going to be wild. And then also I'm going to round the show out with some announcements. At the end of the show, I have a new book that just came out. And at the beginning of the show, you're going to hear about my stand-up comedy gigs and some other cool stuff. So get your eyes straightened, put your helmet on. Here we go. this is the Harland Highway You just made a wrong turn

Would you kindly shut your mouth On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harland Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Ropspin and I'm your friend Writing down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Oh, well, hello everybody.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. And you know what? I'm doing something I don't normally do right out of the gate. Normally I save this to the end of the show. But I've realized over the years that most of you tune out of this show after about four or five minutes. So you never hear this. I mean, I know what you do. You come in with all your hopes and expectations.

way up here, way up high, thinking, oh, this will be a great podcast, and then I start to open my mouth, and within two and a half to three minutes, you bail, right? You're out playing golf, you're training a seal, you're driving through a red light, you're smashing a golf car through a Walmart. I don't know what you do, you freaks.

But I'm going to plug some of my events right out of the gate so you can't get away from them. And then you can start to listen to the podcast, and then you can bail, but you'll already have these events stuck in your head. So I got you. Yeah, I got you. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

But seriously, I have some really cool stand-up comedy gigs coming up that I want to mention. March 11th and 12th, I'm going to be in a new market. I've never played this place. It's Corpus Christi, Texas. Just the name. Corpus Christi. It sounds like a salad dressing or something. Yes, wait, or could I get some more Corpus Christi on my Caesar?

Oh, you only put it on Cobbs? Well, then could I get some... Anyways, I'm at the Mesquite Street Comedy Club, March 11th and 12th. It's a weekend, so no excuses. Mesquite Street Comedy Club, Corpus Christi, March 11th and 12th. Go to Harland, William. com to get tickets, and we're going to have a blast. I have a great opening act, my friend Nick Hoff, who's a great comic in his own right, so you can have a really solid show. And then two weeks later, I'm going to be in just outside of Phoenix, Texas, right in the suburbs,

at a place called the Santan Brewing Co. And that's March 25th and 26. two shows only Friday and Saturday the Sand Tan Brewing Co March 25th and 26 so for both those gigs please go to Harlandwilliams.com and check it out

and then my last little plug well I still have you at least I hope I do my hand-drawn t-shirts are going berserk people are loving them and I don't want you to miss out on them but I created a new website just so people could

could get the shirts. These are shirts that I draw directly onto T-shirts. I do drawings right onto T-shirts and sell them. So you have an original piece of artwork you can wear. And the website is called Harbling.com. So it's the first three letters of my name, Harland, Har. And then Bling. Harbling.com.

And check it out, man. And if there's not an original shirt there that you love, you can write us at Harbling and we will make it available to you as a print for like a fraction of the cost so if you don't get the original you can get a print so there you go

I snuck in my announcements got you but and more than that I hope I see you at some of these shows so now let's kick it off no more dilly dallying no more beating around the blueberry bush Roger, let's start the show with a very important question of the day.

The Harland Highway, question of the day. And here it is. It's oh so important this question. What is happening to women's asses? Uh-huh. Does that grab your attention? What is happening to women's asses? And here's what's happening.

I'll tell you. but I'm still a bit confounded. The folks at Lulu Lemon or Yoga World United or Pilates.com or I Want a Perfectass.org or whoever's making them, I don't know women's fashion, so I don't know where they're coming from, but have you seen kind of the latest round of women's workout pants? I don't know if you want to try them, call them track pants or sweatpants. or yoga pants or workout pants, but you know what I'm talking about.

They're very tight, okay? They're very tight around the legs from the ankles up to the legs, but they're doing something that I've never seen pants do before. And part of this is good and part of it is bad, but now these pants, these stretchy exercise pants, they pretty much follow the condo.

tour of the naked butt, like, to wherever it goes. So basically shorts and sweatpants from the past, you know, they had a seam that went down where the butt crack is, but those seams didn't venture into the Grand Canyon, okay? They didn't creep into the butt crack. now holy lipton soup and a side order of curly fries these pants crawl up butts deeper than a proctologist with Vaseline on his gloves I mean are you kidding me

these yoga pants or whatever they are girls they are following the contour of your buttocks your butt crack it's going all the way in. I mean, the material's going so far in, it becomes dark. It fades to black. I can't, it goes so far up the butt crack and not just like the hole of the butt crack. I'm talking the whole line of the butt crack from the top of your waist, from the pelvic girdle, all the way down, past the butthole, down under where it meets, you know, Lady Marmalade or whatever you call you for JJ these days. I don't know. But the material goes right in, almost as if the material's

growing right out of your butt crack. And then I also think the material is sort of like, it's sort of stretchy, but it's tight. So what it's doing is it's forming the perfect buttock on every woman who puts these, these miraculous pants on, these ass miracle pants, I should call them. So the texture or the, I don't know what it is, the density of the material is strong enough that it can take whatever's in your pants, whatever shape your ass is in, these pants like mold it so that it looks like you have a 10 out of 10 ass. and it follows the curvature, it goes up into the crack. It's almost like, it's almost like looking at a naked ass, but in different colors. Pink, blue, green, yellow, red, like the colors of any fabric.

And here's the good and the bad. The good side is, holy smokes, does it look freaking hot? It's very provocative, very sexy, very revealing. all that stuff. But at the same time, I'm seeing it on girls that, wait a minute, the rest of the body ain't matching that 10 out of 10 butt. Like those pants are squeezing that butt into the perfection zone. But once you creep outside of the butt real estate,

I mean, you've got chef boy R.D. you've got Denny's, you've got IHop, you've got, you've got Mary calendars, you've got the House of Pies, you've got stuff that isn't being squeezed by the miracle ass jeans or whatever they are. You've got real life. You've got these pants that create this illusion of the perfect ass. But unfortunately, there isn't enough fabric. to do the whole body. So you ladies are kind of some of you

who don't have the goods are creating a bit of an illusion and I don't know. Is that what you want to do? You got to remember ladies, here's the pitfall of wearing the perfect ass jeans or whatever they're called. The pitfall is that eventually,

if you use those genes to lure a man or help attract a man or a mate or whatever you're with, don't forget those pants eventually have to come off. And if when they come off, it looks like someone jumping out of a birthday cake, there's an explosion, and it's like an airbag going off in a front-end collision. if it's just like

and you knock your guy through the drywall when your ass comes out to play that ain't going to fly it may look pretty in the panties but it ain't so pretty out under the arena lights so just be careful what you're putting out there

because you know It's like ordering on Amazon. You know, sometimes you see something on Amazon. You go, oh, that's a good price. I'll order that. And you get it, and suddenly the packaging is made in China. And the spelling's wrong. You know, it says, you enjoy product.

We like make for you. It fun, flashlight, glow dark. It does. And then you pull it out of the box and you go, uh-oh. And you realize it's cheap and it's not what it was in the picture on Amazon and you realize you probably got screwed and you didn't get what you really thought you were paying for. And that's the problem you're going to have with the perfect miracle-ass jeans is, you know, you can't wear them when you're making love. You can't wear them when you're rolling around naked. so you better make sure you're not misrepresenting too much.

But the upside is, you know, it can be really nice as a man to look at the shapely buttocks of a woman. And if you're sitting there going, oh, well, that's such a misogynist thing to say. You're sexualizing. Hold on there, Bronco Billy. Let me ask, this. this question within the question of the day.

If women are so worried about being over-sexualized and looked at and being regarded as sex objects, then let me ask you this, ladies, why are you wearing clothes that pretty much show us every contour of your butt? Okay? I think if you were the last woman on planet Earth, you wouldn't be wearing those around, but you're wearing them around because you know there's men at the gym and there's men at the street

and you want to show them what you got so when you wear stuff like that and we look don't call us like horny sexy pigs because you put out the dinner plate and we're looking at the meal, okay? So I don't know. That's my question of the day.

What the hell is going on with asses? ever seen this kind of ass revolution before. It's got its pros and its cons, and it's just got my eyes bouncing. The Harland Highway Question of the Day. The Harland Highway, question of the day. The children were nestled snug in their beds while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads. We're sorry, you have reached the number of my attention. Connected or is no longer in service.

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It could be an adventurous new toy or anything. you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But the person you called has a voice mailbox. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Hello. Hello.

Oh, my God. Hello, Angel Pops. Oh, my God. What am I? Is this an answering machine? What am I talking to? Hello? Oh, Angel Pops.

It's your Aunt Rousie crawling from a Rochester, New York. How are you? Angel Puff lips. Oh, my goodness. I never know how these machines work, but I think I'm talking to somebody, Angel Pumps. Oh, my goodness. It's your Aunt Ruthie from Rochester.

I was just checking in to see how you're doing down there in the Hollywoods, making your televisions and your movies and all the fun things that you do, Angel. We miss you so much. Your Uncle Harry and I are up here, and the snow just hasn't left the ground yet. It's just everything's cold and chilly, and, you know, your Uncle Harry goes out to shovel the driveway, And, you know, his lips get so chapped and cold. It looks like, you know, he's like he dug up a mummy from the Egyptian desert that has, you know, psoriasis all over the fucking face.

And sorry, I didn't mean to swear, Angel, but I get... Anyway, speaking of your Uncle Harry, oh, my goodness, Angel pops, you know, Uncle Harry's teeth have been getting it. I think that they're kind of like when the sun goes down, it gets done. darker and darker, and suddenly it's midnight, and your uncle Harry's teeth over the years have gotten so black, brown, and orange. It looks like, you know, a Baskin-Robbins had a refrigerator accident, and, you know, their ice cream cool them broke down, and all the 31 flavors melted together, for Christ's sake. I mean, your uncle Harry's teeth look like, you know, a little boy vomited on the ground after getting off the swirling tea cups. It's

Disneyland, for God's sake, Angel. But, oh, so I sent him over to the medical building. This was four days ago. You'd think it would be easy, but with your uncle Harry, everything's a nightmare. He makes everything so difficult. It's like trying to watch a child with no arms do a Rubik's Cube, for Christ's sake. I mean, can you imagine those pink, fleshy stubs just trying to twirl the colored square around? You know, that thing would fly up in the...

air like a dolphin playing with a beach ball for crazy down at sea world and by the way angel do you remember when you were just nine years old your uncle harry and i we took you to the aquarium do you remember the aquarium over here in rochester new york oh my goodness and you stood at the jellyfish tank with your little feckle face i'll never forget your eyes are full of wonderment and i saw you watch the jellyfish Well, you know, they just go up and down and back and forth, like, you know, a bag of retards at a mental storm or something, for Christ's sake. But, you know, they don't do much, the jellyfish, but you stood there mesmerized like you were looking at Dolly Potten's breasts flapping in a, you know, in a windstorm, for God's sake, little angel puff. But anyways, Angel, enough about that, your uncle Harry, his teeth. Oh, my God.

He looks like a beaver that just chewed to a shit sandwich on a Thursday night, for God's sake. They're brown and the yellow and his teeth are like a street white. I mean, every day he wakes up, Angel. I don't know what color they're going to be, for God's sake, you know. So I sent Uncle Harry over to the medical building, you know, and I said, Harry, you're going to go over to the medical building, and you're going to get your teeth white. And I don't know if they're going to use a thing.

sandblaster or a jizzle or, you know, some kind of the chainsaw, for God's sakes on your rotten Egyptian mummy mouth, for God's sakes. So I sent him over to the medical building, and you know the building over on Downey Street over there, 1455, it's like a 16-story glass building angel, and everyone from our street, all the people in our community use it. You know how it goes.

It's full of doctors and dentists and, you know, medical professionals. And I sent your Uncle Harry over to get his teeth brightened, for God's sake. And they said it would take about two hours, and he lays in a chair. And they put these apparatuses and these gels all over his, you know, his fungus teeth. And when he's all done, his teeth is supposed to be nice and white, like Casper the Friendly Ghosts, a fat, fucking bulbous head, you know. angel and so we're all excited and I send him on over there for god's sake and he comes back three hours later and his teeth still look like somebody just you know got a can of paint

and painted uh you know the underside of a cannon and an old fort for christ sake i mean his teeth was still blacker than dracula's fucking uh tonsils a little angel puff and i go Harry, I thought you were getting a whitening. I thought you were getting those teeth bleached and he said he said, well Rosie, I went into the wrong floor and I go, what do you mean the wrong floor?

I go, did you get bleached? White and the knot? And he said, yes, I did. But instead of my teeth, I accidentally went and got my asshole bleached. And I'm my jaw dropped open. I mean, you could have it hit the floor, Angel. I mean,

I said, what did you say, Harry? And he said, Ruthie, I guess I had a momentary lapse of judgment or coordination or whatever it is. I mean, I'm 87 for God's sake. Cut me a break, Ruthie. And I said, Harry, and there's a big difference between getting your teeth whitening and getting your anus bleached. And he said, I know.

And I said, well, let me see the damage for God's sake. And you know, your uncle Harry under his belt. and he dropped his trousers, and I swear a, you know, a flock of sparrows flew out of that fucking area because I don't think he's, you know, nobody's looked down at Uncle Harry's man pot is probably in 45 years.

I mean, I'm sure there's some coffin dust down there, Angel. And so, Jerry pulls down his pants, and I say, bend over Harry, let me see. And Harry, God, I hate to tell you this, Angel, but, you know, it is very, what it is. He bent over and he pulled open. I said open, why he pulled open

his ass chinks look like a couple of prunes that fell off of a sea turtles, a hemorrhoid cream truck. I mean, Angel, the things I have to see, and sure enough, there's Uncle Harry's bleached anews. I mean, the old man got his

an noose. It looks like somebody punched an albino in the eye with a with a brick for god's sakes i mean here's this this big white round thing i'm like i thought i was in a blizzard and i was staring into the eye of the the the the bonnable snow monster from the rudolph the red nose reindeer cartoon i mean this thing's just looking through the frog at the angel and i'm like oh my god harry your a noose is so white and he goes i know i don't know what to do i feel like uh you know i'm I've got a panda eye, for God's sake, and I'm like, oh, my God.

And then, oh, if it can't get any worse, it always does with Harry. Harry's, oh, I'm losing my breath, angel. Harry's bleached anews. It winked at me. Oh, my God, I swear to God, it winked at me. I felt like I was a young girl at Applebee's getting seduced by the greasy Uber driver over in the corner. And I know you're wondering, how does a Bleach Day noose wink? Well, Harry probably had some eggplant parmesan earlier that day,

and he let out a, he let out of a dusty, a dusty dildo donny blaster or whatever. Whenever an old man fought, I don't know what it's called, Angel, but I swear to God, his Bleach Day News winked at me, and I almost threw up. And so now we've got to send Harry back. we've got to do a reverse anews bleach on his A-news, and so we've got to docking up his A-news, and we've got to get them in and get those teeth fixed, because I'm telling you,

his teeth looked like he just chewed through, you know, a box of crayons and toys are us. Well, the janitor was beating him on the head with a broomstick angel. Oh, my goodness. I hate to the lady with all these goings-on. But your uncle, Harry, Harry, can you say, Heidi? You're your angel lumps over here. Oh, my God.

He can barely talk. He's over there plucking hairs from his earth. Anyhow, Angel, I don't want to keep it. I thought you should know. Regardless, we're okay. Your uncle Harry's A-news is whiter than an Arizona snowstorm. And we're going to be fine. We're going to get it corrected.

And hopefully we can send you a picture and Harry gets his shit-stained teeth all fixed up. Okay, A. Angel. In the meantime, I hope you're okay. We love it. We miss you so much, dude drop. Your Aunt Ruthie misses your little dude drop face. I hope we hear from you soon. We love you, Harry. Say goodbye to your little angel over here. Harry, get your finger out of your A-News. Oh, my God. He just stuck his finger in the eye of the albino buffalo. Oh, my, get it out, Harry. Get your finger out. Harry. Get your finger out. finger out of the buffalo eye. Oh, my God. Harry!

Oh, oh, whoa. Oh, my God. Aunt Ruthie. What the hell kind of message is. Uncle Harry got his his butthole bleached instead of getting his teeth whitened. Well, you know what? I do not want to grow old. Can I just say that? I do not want to get old. The things that go wrong when you get old, that is yikes. Aye, aye, aye, let's, let's move on here. Holy corn on the cob. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story.

That's weird. That's strange stuff. Okay, let's get into the crazy here. Why not? Can anything be crazier than Aunt Ruff? Ruthie's voice message we just heard. I mean, I don't know, but maybe this is crazier. Check out this story.

Here's the headline, everybody. Mayor quits after saying ice shanties may bring prostitution. What in the name of terriaki chicken? If you don't know what an ice shanty is, it's the little hut that ice fish set up. And if you don't know what ice fishing is, it's when fishermen go out onto a frozen lake in the middle of winter, cut a hole in the ice and fish. Why they do it, I don't know. I'm an avid fisherman, and I have no desire to sit over a hole in the freezing weather. But what they do

is to avoid freezing to death, they put these little wooden huts up. They look like tool sheds. over the holes, and they're very minimalistic. They have a bench inside and maybe a little heater and a little cooking gas stove or whatever. So here's where the mayor chimed in. He says, the mayor who suggested that allowing ice fishing shanties on a lake could lead to prostitution resigned Monday after days of being mocked and drawing national attention to the city. Hudson Mayor Craig Schubert and his registration letter

that his comments at city council meeting had been misinterpreted quote my attempt to inject a bit of dry humor to make a point about this in the midst of a cold snowy February was grossly misunderstood Schubert said during the discussion about whether to permit people to fish on the frozen city lake last week Schubert said he wanted to raise some data points.

Quote, does someone come back next year and say, I want an ice shanty on Hudson Springs Park for X amount of time? Schubert said. And if you then allow ice fishing with shanties, then that leads to another problem, prostitution. Now you've got the police chief and the police department involved. Well, let's break this down, please. First of all, again, I don't get the whole ice fishing thing.

Did you not catch enough fish in the summer? Do you really want to punish yourself and sit? I mean, if a lake's frozen and to walk across a lake or drill a hole in a lake or put a shanty up, I think the ice has to be at least six inches thick. So that means it's really, really cold where you are. How much do you need to bite into a trout or a bass? how tasty is a fish that you're going to go through living frozen hell to put one in your stomach?

You know, McDonald's has this thing called fillet a fish at the drive-thru and you can sit in your nice warm car and eat it. You can pull into your local grocery store and go to the fish market and get just about anything you want. You don't have to sit on a frozen lake in minus 30 degrees. weather, getting frostbite, waiting for a perch to come a nibble. What the hell's wrong with you? But on the other side of the coin, wouldn't that fishing experience be so much more fun

if you were having sex? I mean, good night, Nellie Frittato, right? Now, I don't necessarily think you should be having sex with a prostitute, but that's none of my business. You can have sex with the hole. You're carving the ice if you want. And maybe that's what some of these freaks are doing. Maybe they're putting the shanty up so they can lay down on their fishing hole and do the old Humpty Dumpty. I don't know. People are weird. And for the mayor to have to resign, because people took things the wrong way, which they do with everything nowadays. Everything has taken.

the wrong way nowadays, and everyone's looking to cancel or spoil someone's life or shame them or who knows what's going on with people these days. Like a bunch of little crybaby school kids. But is it really out of the realm of imagination for people in an enclosed hut on the ice to have sex or even bring in a prostitute? Ladies and gentlemen, if you're human, if you follow the news, let's start if you're human, okay? Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, where are all the places you've had sex? Has it always been in the bedroom, at your home, missionary style?

Oh, what? You've never done it in a car. You've never done it out in nature. You've never done it in a tent. You've never done it in the office. You've never done it in the bushes. Who knows where we've done it? Humans do it anywhere, man. If there's a place on this planet, whether it's a hot spring or a helicopter, somebody's done it.

So why is everyone so shocked that the concept of someone having sex in a little cabin on a lake is so out of the realm of possibility? Stop acting so noble. Humans are just like rabbits, man. They'll hump whenever they can. It's a primal urge. It's not even being a pervert.

We're wired. We are wired. We are just as horny as every other species in the animal kingdom. But we just kind of put this mask on it. We kind of put this whole facade together that were proper and prim, and yet have you looked at any advertising? It's all sexual. Have you looked at Instagram lately? It's all sexual. Has everyone on the planet peruse some porn on their computer? I'm betting you have.

So don't play the prude card with me. If you've got a secluded cabin with a heater and some hot chocolate out on a lake where no one's around, why not? Pull them down and get to it. Hey, it's probably a great way to stay warm, okay? You ever get cold and you rub your hands together or you take your boots off and rub your toes? Or you jump up and down? Well, let me tell you,

I think having the old sexual intercourse would get the blood moving. I think that would create some heat. Can you just picture the steam coming off your bodies? It looked like you just crawled out of a forest fire, for God's sake. Your hair's probably steaming and your skin. Probably steam rising up off your butt cheeks and who knows where else. There's probably warmer places than your butt cheeks. I mean, we're talking like steam people.

We're talking like a kettle, a kettle going off on the stove in some areas of the body, I'm guessing. And then human nature being human nature, I mean, okay, some people do go to prostitution. I assume it happens at truck stops. I assume it happens at hotels. Who knows where it happens. But if it can happen in a hotel room or in the back of a Mac truck, well, it's sitting at an outside of a BP station somewhere. what is so wrong to think it could happen in an ice fishing hut? I mean, you know, is the mayor really that off the grid when he suggests it's a possibility? And it sounds like he tried to cover it with, oh, I was just joking. But I don't think he was.

But let's see what he says here. He says, Schubert later said his comments about ice shanties and prostit. Destitution stemmed from his experience as a television news reporter covering law enforcement agencies that have arrested people for prostitution in shanties. For prostitution in shanties. I kind of said that wrong. He said he was concerned about the potential for unintended consequences. Yeah. So, that's not unrealistic. But, oh, ooh, how dare you?

Oh, the shame you've brought on our little town. Oh, I mean, it's just ridiculous that this is what a guy gets, he gets, he'll be let go for. And we're letting murderers and rapists and pedophiles out of prison after two months for good behavior. But here's an honorable guy trying to serve his community and kind of throws up a warning flag about something that's a realistic possibility. And he just let go. In his resignation letter, Schubert said, I love that his name Schubert. I mean, you know, that's like an ice cream, right? That fits in right in with the cold environment we're talking about.

Raspberry Schubert said he felt he had completed his work as mayor and that he was nearing retirement. Quote, some in our community saw this as an opportunity to engage in the politics of personal destruction by means of character assassination, blaming me for the negative. international press, they helped to promote, he said. So, you see, it probably is. And since when is it negative press? As human beings, have we stopped being able to laugh at ourselves? Have we stopped being able to see humor in situations? Have we, can nothing be wrong anymore?

Does everything have to be absolutely perfect according to the perfect police? This is a real thing that's a real possibility that a guy said out loud based on his real life experience as a reporter and his obligation to his community as a mayor is to protect people from prostitution, is to protect women and young women from getting into the world of prostitution. It's, you know, so he's doing his job. Sometimes maybe the things you call out as apologize. Maybe it may seem weird or over the top or ludicrous, but you've trusted this guy to be your leader. You've voted for him, and he's got a legitimate concern.

The other thing, you can't stop this stuff even if you are the mayor or the people. People are going to find a way. If people want a prostitute and a pike or a hooker and a halibet, or a skank and a salmon, or a slut and a sea bass. I mean, you can't shut that. It's going to happen. People are resourceful. They're horny.

They're human. They're wired in their DNA to procreate and have sex. And I don't know. So there you go. All you fishermen out there, make sure you put a bobber on it, dress up warmly, and get ready to reel in your fish crazy news story

one cheese burger with everything coming up give me a time to wait what's going on Roger why are you playing this song

this is boy George isn't it Hello I'm What the hell? That's what is, bloody hell, I'll tell you that much, mate. What? Is this boy George calling in?

Well, it isn't your fairy god sister, is it, Arlen? I mean, Jesus Christ, can't a guy phone his fucking friend anymore? Well, I didn't know you were calling in. What the hell's going on? Well, what isn't going on? It's the real question. Good Lord. Have you been drinking?

What if I is? And what if I isn't, eh? Well, you can't talk to me if I got a little whiskey on my breast. On your breast? On my breath, I meant to say. Oh, come on, man. I'm in the middle of a podcast. Well, I'm in the middle of a podcast.

middle of a fighting crisis and when do i get priority over what you're doing when is a when this boy george get a priority call eh well i'm not trying to dismiss you but what do you mean you're in distress well look at you finally coming around the bend like a fucking three-legged fucking Zebra at a fucking four-legged camel contest, eh? What are you talking about? What kind of trouble are you in? Well, if you need to know all, and I just landed in Los Angeles, eh?

The city of anales? The city of what? Anils. It's the city of angels. Well, it sounds a lot like anales to me. What do you want, boy? George? Well, you don't have to snap at me. What are you like a snapping turtle at the bottom of a swamp eating fucking rotten fish, eh? I'm not a snapping turtle. Now, what, what is going on, please?

Well, I flew over here all, and it was one of the biggest bloody nightmares of ever had in me old life, I think I have to say, eh? Well, what do you mean? How hard can a fight from London to Los Angeles be? Well, it wasn't easy for me, because I had to bring me service animal with me, eh? Oh, are you one of these people with a quote-unquote service animal? Yeah, that's right, because I've had a hard life, Ireland. I've had a very long odd life, eh? Oh, really?

You're an A-less celebrity. You've made billions of dollars off your... music. Well, it's not all peas and carrots and coconut and cream pie. Being famous isn't easy, you know. I mean, just like, it's probably not easy for you to keep your eyes straight and your fat, retarded head. Hey, watch it. Now, I'm here to listen, and I'm taking time out of my podcast for you. So, so... So what do you want, a chocolate-covered sponge cake so you can soak the fucking dildo juice off your teeth?

Would you knock it off? I don't have dildo juice on my teeth. Well, you probably will by sunset. Shut. What is happening with you and your service animal? Well, first of all, I took me service animal, and if first of all, they wouldn't let me on the fucking. with it, eh?

Well, first of all, what kind of service animal do you have? I've got one of these, the airless cats, Ireland. The what? The airless cats. The airless cats. Airless, why, it's bold. It's a bold. It's one of those fighting key cats.

It's got no air on it on its old body, eh? Oh, a hairless cat. Well, hello Line 4 for fuck wet So you tried to get on the plane With your service animal Because as he was talking about earlier Fame's not an easy thing to handle

I mean you try People coming up to you all the time Ask them for selfies Asing for autographs Wanting to touch you And you think that doesn't make me psychologically unsound on. Yeah, no, I think it does.

Maybe you should have a service moose. How about that? Oh, now you've got to make a joke about me, eh? Take it easy, boy. It's not boy. All right, I've got two names. It's boy, George. Now, if you see it, just one of them ever again,

I'm going to fucking come over there, break a blot of ice over your head, and fucking make you suck meat out of a polar bear's fucking eye socket. Wow, you... What have you been drinking? May I finish me story? I called to get some friendly help from you. Finish!

Well, I tried to get on the plane with me airless cat, right? Okay. And they say, you can't bring that on here. You're not allowed to have a pat on the plane. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. But then I said, it's a service animal, right? And, yes, so... And then they look in me farting bag at me airless cat.

Okay. And they don't know what it is. They go, what are how is they in there then? Well, yeah, I mean, they're weird-looking animals. I probably wouldn't know what it is right away. You're not used to sing a mammal with no fur, especially a cat. Yeah, well, that's what it is, all right? And they said to me, they go, what are you going in there, anyhow, boy, George?

Okay. And I said, it's me bold pussy. What? I said I got me bold pussy in here. What, you... You heard me all in. Yeah, you had to try, I got a bold pussy. You told them you had a bald pussy

That's right And I was a service pussy on top of it A service pussy That's right It helps me get through the day When I can't manage Boy It's boy

It's boy fighting George Now you get it right Or I'm gonna fight by a motorcycle Roll it over your fighting face Five or six times And then enter you In a fucking lasagna contest You go out of that wrong

you fucking biotch. Stop calling me names. Now, I'm trying to be a friend here and help you. So what happened when you brought your bald... Pussy? Your... Pussy!

Your bald cat onto the plane! Well, I finally fucking convinced them I had got imitation, so I had like a fucking permit for me bald pussy. Can you just say hairless cat? Oh, stop. be so funny. You're fighting Americans. All you do is fight and talk about sex and then all of a sudden

you can't hear a story about me bald pussy. Carry on. Good Lord. So I finally get in my seat and I get all settled in with my bald pussy. Okay. And we finally fighting take off and you know people are looking at me. They've never This is like they've never seen a bald pussy before, for Christ's sake. Okay, you get up in the air, you're up in the air. And everything's going fine, Ireland. And, you know, they don't serve food no more on these fucking flight. You know, the fighting flight attendant comes by,

which likes some fucking peanuts, Mr. George. Well, okay, you have a point there. It's gotten really cheap. Yeah, that's right. I'm like, oh, please. Give me some fucking gourmet peanuts, and I got a glass of fucking water to wash it down for fuck's sake. Listen, can you watch the language, please, George? It's boy, fucking George.

Now, listen here, I'm going to fucking calm up a fighting coconut tree. Find the biggest fucking coconut I could find. Fitting poke a hole in it with your fucking pointy face. and squirt of milk all over your fat fucking ass. You got that, you pig. Watch your mouth. Jesus. Finish your story.

So here I am. I've got fighting a glass of water. I've got a bag of fighting peanuts. And I'm right into the sky with my bald pussy, okay? Yes. And all of a sudden all, and we hit some fine turbulence. Okay, that's common. But this was the worst I've ever found this fighting planes bouncing up and down like a fucking fat woman at a motel six on a fucking band, right?

Okay, can we lose the descriptive kind of... Well, anyways, so we're sitting in the seat and shit's flying everywhere. My fucking nuts are flying up in the air. What the peanuts? That's right. Yeah, me water's flying everywhere and the guy in front of me had a... a Coca-Cola or something, that flew over the sheet, got all over me and me bald pussy. Okay, so it's just a little soda and some peanuts.

Well, now I got me nuts all over me bald pussy, and I'm yelling at the stewardess. I'm like, stewardess, I got me nuts all over me fucking bald pussy, and the gent in front of me spilled this coke on it, And now I got a sticky bald pussy with me nuts all over it. Would you, oh my God, can you please, what kind of story is this? Well, I'm just trying to tell you. I mean, everything was flying everywhere. So now I'm putting my pussy screaming at the top of its fucking lungs.

I mean, it's never been up in an airplane before, right? My bald pussy's like, sounds like somebody dropped a piano on a baby for Christ's sake. Oh my god. So I got me bold fighting pussy with me nuts all over it. It's all sticky. There are my bald pussy stuck to the seat. Your bald pussy stuck to the seat. That's right.

I was pulling on it. I was, that's a fly attendant. I was like, excuse me, I hit the little button, ding, ding, ding. Okay. She, I said, students, could you help me pull me bald pussy off the seat? It's stuck. Oh, my, you got to be kidding me. boy.

It's boy fucking giant. I have to tell you one more time. You know, I'm going to go to a fine senior's home. I'm going to find the oldest fucking bag in a wheelchair I can find, and I'm going to fight and roll it right up your fucking ass. Would you watch your language, for Christ's sake? So now I got me bald pussy stuck to the seat. I got three fly attendants tugging on me bald pussy,

and we can't get a fucking thing to move. And then all of a sudden we had another fucking air bump and my fucking bald pussy goes fly into the roof, sticks his claws in, now my bald pussy's hanging upside down from the ceiling. Oh my God. And one of the other passengers said, look, it's a fucking vampire pussy.

It's hanging upside down. It's a bald vampire pussy. And they started screaming. And your fucking nightmare, 30,000 feet, Arlen. Well, you are, I am out of breath just listening to you, for God's sakes. Well, this is what happens when all you want is a little pet with you so you can have a little bit of comfort, me poor little kitty.

What is the name of this stupid cat, by the way? Well, it's a rescue cat, Arlen. He's a poor little rescue cat, and I found him, a tree fell on him. little tree fell on him and he was injured. Someone was chopping a tree and it fell on him and I rescued the little pucker. Well, that's nice of you. It was a little accident, a tree fell on it. Someone was chopping the tree.

What did you say the cat's name was? Ax wound. Pardon me? My bald pussy is axe wound. Ax wound. That's what I said. What, you need a fight. You need a wound.

It made me to send you a fucking. fortune cookie or something, Holland. You have a bald pussy named Axe. You have a hairless cat named Axe Wound? That's right. You got a problem with it. What do you want me to call him? Fuggin' Harry Belafonte

for fuck, thank? Oh my God. You know what? I think we've heard enough. This is not really... I don't think there's anything I can do to help you. And then me, Barry, pussy, fought him fell off the ceiling, and ran all the way to the back of the fight.

plane so now me hairy pussy's running down the plane he runs into the restroom and he's sitting on the toilet me hairy pussy sitting on i mean my bald pussy so you got me all mixed up all you're drunk i've heard enough of your bald put your hairy this is not the type of conversation i want to have on my podcast thank you very much goodbye oh you fucking bastard i'm gonna get me bald pussy to sleep on your face, you fucking asshole. Goodbye, George. It's boy fucking y'- Oh my God.

Rod? Why did you let him phone? I did not authorize that call. The guy takes a hairless cat. Go to a commercial. I got to catch my breath. Good Christ.

Axe wound. Fresh is. A walk through the woods, son. early spring morning fresh is a gentle breeze that takes you by surprise fresh is simple with summer's eve the most convenient disposable douche you can buy this exclusive one-piece unit means there's nothing to assemble and it's available in two fragrances or vinegar and water the solution doctors recommend with summer's eve freshness has never been simpler wow okay i what do i even say what i think we might have to close the show out right here or we i think we're probably going to get shut down

probably after after that fiasco um thanks for being here before i go even though i snuck in some announcements at the beginning and please don't forget them don't forget my stand-up gigs but there's another one i want to tell you about and this one's really exciting i just put out my latest book, which is called Crave, C-R-A-V-E-Crave. And it's another collection of my short stories. It's my second book. My first book was called Don't Look Under the Bad, a collection of short stories. But this new one that just dropped is called Crave. And it's a collection of new short stories that I've written. And the real edge of the seat type of stories, One of them is about a dilapidated animal sanctuary and a giant male lion that gets loose in the suburbs of America.

The other one's about a girl who's suicidal. And the third one's called Crave, and it's a zombie story, but it's a new twist on a zombie story. And these zombies are unlike any zombies you've probably seen or read about. anywhere. So hopefully it's a great read. Hopefully you'll pick it up and it's so easy to order. Just go to amazon.com and type in in the search bar on amazon. Just type in Crave by Harland Williams. And you can order a hardcover of the book or you can get a digital download for your tablet or you can even read on your phone. You can read the book on your phone, which is great for airplanes or waiting for a bus

or getting your wisdom teeth removed, whatever you're doing. So I really hope you pick up Crave and let me know what you think of it. Leave me a voicemail. The phone number for the podcast is on my website, harlemwiliams.com. Writing in book format, in story format

is something fairly new to me. So I'm not as secure in it as I am in my other endeavors, so I'm open for listening to the critiques or the praise, if you have any. I don't know, but it's a little bit of new and weird territory for me, but I'm excited to present it to you nonetheless and put it out in the world and just see how it goes. And if people get something from it, that's art, right? Also, don't forget my hand-drawn t-shirts at Harbling.com.

Harbling.com, if you want to own a piece of art and wear it proudly, as you know, I hand-draw right onto T-shirts with sharpies, colored sharpies, and you can own a Harland original piece of artwork and wear it around at Harbling.com. These shirts are selling out almost as quickly as I can put them up there, So get on there and order yours today. And if you can't afford one of the originals, which are a little more pricey because they're original pieces of art, we also have prints of your favorite shirts at harbling.com.

So look for those as well. And that's it, man. Keep your eyes peeled for some interesting news about the Harland Highway. I'm not going to give much away, but there's some interesting stuff in the air with the Harland Highway podcast. That's all I'm going to say right now. But I do thank you for being here.

Spread the word. Tell your friends to get on the highway. If you're laughing, they should be laughing. You want to hog all the laughs to yourself? What are you, a dirty ice fisherman or something? So that's it. Thank you so much for being here. all you, uh, pavement pounders, ladies and gurgle glargans, and whoever's listening.

I really appreciate you being here. Hope you had some fun. And, uh, until next time, everybody. Chicken. Chow main, baby? Oh, sounds like another angel just got its wings. Trying to watch a child with no arms do a Rubik's cube, for Christ's sake. Thank you.