The Harland Highway - MARK MARON versus A.I. what's going to happen? Also, unborn babies, getting old, dying, and CATS!!!

Episode Date: September 29, 2026

Check out Artvengers! www.youtube.com/@TheArtvengersThis episode is sponsored by Hims and Hers: - To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss,, and more, visit Hims.com/harland. Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams More Marc Maron: WTF Pod: https://www.wtfpod.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marcmaron/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/WTFPodcast/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, gang, a little note before we get started with today's podcast. A lot of you've been writing in and complaining about the quality of the video. It's been showing up at 480P or pH or I don't know. I don't know if that's hair or video or I don't know what it is. But let me let me let me let you in on a little secret. Most podcasts have a whole production team, editors. writers, I don't know what else they have. You want to know something? This podcast's been going for about three years and I do it all. I shoot it, I light it, I edit it, I cut it, I write it,

I do it all. Every now and then my great assistant Amber edits an episode here and there and she does a great job, but I'm not a tech wizard and so I actually want to thank you guys for alerting me about the 480 pH, which is sort of blurry, not blurry, but if you expand it, it becomes a blurry sort of imagery. And so we've had a few episodes that were like that. Thanks to you, we've identified it, we've corrected it, and everything should be looking sweet and tasty and lip smack and good. So apologize, apologies for the low-grade video, but going forward, it's going to be so crystal clear. You're going to think, I'm in your living room, and I'm probably going to nibble on your feet.

Now let's get to the show, freaks. What's he have, first of all? I think it's dementia. Dementia. You don't mind talking about this? No, no. Talk about it on stage. Yeah.

That's one of the jokes I have. I said my dad was a bipolar, a narcissistic bipolar fuck for most of my entire life. And then I say, and there's a cure for that. It's dementia. Yeah. Levels them right out. Maintaining a character. Wait, what? Yeah.

A character? Yeah, it's a character. Who, me? Yeah, I don't know anything about you. I've known you for 20, 30 years. You don't know one thing about me. Well, I never met your wife and your three kids. Oh, yeah.

I'm in. I can introduce you to them later. No, I just saw them. You know, they all look pretty healthy. And, you know, you always talked about this wife, but no one assumed it was true. Well, I, you know, I don't, one of the kids isn't that healthy, I'll be honest.

Okay. Was that the one that's still on all fours? You mean Mongo? Yeah. Yeah. Still on all fours. Seems a little old to be on all fours. Wouldn't that be wild if you could, you had a kid and it never, like, stood erect?

I'm sure it happens, and you'll probably get a couple of comments. I don't think it's very nice to make fun of, you know, kids who were on all fours their whole life. And isn't the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I don't know. irony, the real dagger in the back is where Latin name Homo erectus. That's right. And yeah, I don't know what that would be. I would think there'd be a clever joke with Homo non-erectus. Ooh.

Maybe. That would be a tragedy. No, it's sad that you have this kid that's just crawling around out there. No, but I'm fast forwarding to the adult world if you're a homo non-erectus. If you break that down, that's a gay man. I'm just, it could be a gay woman, but they don't have weaners. they don't get erect, but a gay man, they can't get erect. Right.

Well, I mean, I thought we were going more with the posture thing, and you just made it into, you know, a sexualized. Yeah, a gay man who can't get a heart on. But I tend to sexualize everything. If you notice that. And that might just be an older gay man. What? Well, you know, you get older sometimes a little tricky.

What do you mean? Oh, getting erectus. Sure, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, how old are you? 62. And.

I do all right. Can I ask? I do all right. Do you have any troubles? No, I'm okay. So you're Homo erectus? I'm Homo erectus. And sometimes it takes a minute and, you know, whoever I'm with us, put it a little work in.

But, you know, that's part of the deal. So would that make you Homo slow erectus? If we're being technical. Sometimes. Okay. Sometimes. Not a problem. How about this?

If I get it, I like to really be definitive about things. Okay, okay. How about if I were to label you, Homo needs a little extra form. or play erectus. Sure. That's nice. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Put a little time in. Put a little time in. Arectus. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Homo put a little time in erectus.

Yes. Okay. Pretend I don't want to do anything with you. No, I understand. I didn't feel that you were coming on to me. Right. But you're just trying to sort of, you know, kind of box me in. Well, to put it in perspective.

Sure. Let's say I'm her. Right. Pretend it's a foggy Thursday night. I don't know if you like the party in Bakersfield. Yeah. Where do you like to do the D? That's weird.

Yeah, Baker's Field. Yeah, just outside. Have a nice Indian meal at that truck stop Indian place. And maybe go to some weird apartment building. And she's got a snake and some reptiles. And right away,

I'm like, well, this is going to be a little challenging. Dude, the last place on planet Earth, I want to eat Indian food. This Bakersfield. But surprisingly, dude, it's good. It is.

Because I never do what. Do you know what I'm talking about? When you drive up there. Yeah, over the grapevine. Right. There's that Indian place. There's like... There's a Indian place.

There's like... What? Why is that out here? Yeah. And it turns out that a lot of truckers are Pakistani and Indian. They are? Yeah. And there's a community in Bakersfield.

And those Indian places are. pretty fucking good. There's a large Pakistani Indian truck driving community here. Well, Bakersfield. Yeah, I thought that was Latino country. Dude, I did a little research. I can't say how I did it. But I think somebody told me because it never really made sense.

That's good. It never really made sense that those Indian places would be there. And I like Indian food, but I was never going to stop there. I'm like, what are the odds that that's good? Yeah. But it's catering to East Asian truckers. Yeah, I never knew that. I didn't either until recently.

And I've eaten there two or three times since if I drive up to the Bay Area. You eat there? Yeah. Wait, what? Yeah. You dare to eat Indian food in Bakersfield? Definitely. Right outside, I think, of Bakersfield.

Who are you, Iron Giant? I know, it's right off of the highway. But like, I'm like, what's, yeah, but what I'm telling you is, if it's for Indian people, the odds are it's going to be pretty good food. Wait, what? Do we know the name of it? Amber, can you look up an Indian restaurant in Baker's Field? Yeah, off highway.

Bakersfield. Off highway. Off grid. Yeah. I don't know that I've ever seen this is going to sound weird, but you popped it into my head. What? I don't know that I've ever seen an East Indian, like 18-wheel truck driver. Is it East Asian, I think?

Like, do they wear a turban when they're rolling down the 507 north or what are they doing? Well, I don't know that they have to do that to be identified as Indian or Pakistani. But isn't that, that's traditional wear? The royal taste of India. Is it right off of the like the five there? Yeah, it looks like it's almost on the gas station. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

Wow. Royal taste of India. I've been there a couple times. No, I don't know that, but how often are you looking at the racial identity of truckers? Why are you profiling truckers? Well, let's get to that. Before we get to profiling the Indian truck drivers. Yes.

I think it's fascinating that the word royal is in there because I associate a Bakersfield Indian food with sitting on the throne. Yeah. Oh, that's kind of a good tie. Yeah. That's pretty good connection. Yeah. That's why you're you. Yeah. It's that.

I got to tell, I think that might have been the biggest laugh I've ever had on this podcast when you told me you eat Indian food in Bakersfield. The Harwin Williams connection. That killed me. Holy five. Okay. A connector of things. You got a plan?

No. No, what I'm saying. saying is, like, the turban is a traditional piece of Indian headgear. I think it's a traditional piece of religious headgear for a type of religion. I'm not sure which one. Could be the, I know the Sikhs wear it. They wear the big white ones. The Sikhs wear the big white ones and they actually keep a knife in it. No, I don't know if that's true. They keep a little tiny, bladed knife. I don't think so. That's true. No, a lot of them, they'll cut you. A lot of the white Sikhs in New Mexico, they run health food stuff. Yeah. They're, you know, they're, you know, they're,

I don't know how they live, but I don't think I'm not getting a feeling that I would assume that there's a knife in the turban of the white Sikhs. Look up if the Sikhs keep a knife in their turban. I'm betting no. I'm thinking, I'm picturing you milling around at a truck stop. Like Raiders of the Lost Ark film? No, I'm picturing you milling around like a Bakersfield truck stop. At the Indian truck stop. Your body bathed in the glow of the yellow shell scallop.

Or else the sign of the. Royal Indian, whatever. Right. What do you got? Right. Yeah. I'm glad you have her to look up ridiculous ideas. I just got like shut down on my own pod.

What, you thought that you had a shot? You thought you'd push it past you that you'd sit there docile and stupid, but you didn't. You gave me blowback and you were right. Yeah. So I'm going to hit the theme music. Just normally I hit the theme music on it like when I'm introducing someone. Yeah. But I'm going to do it this time as a diversion so that people don't know that I'm stupid, that people don't know. What happened?

You have a brain glitch? What happened? I didn't mean to say stupid about myself. Really? That's where you draw the line? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Halle Highway podcast. And I speak in Cajun. My very special guest today, we've been buddies for, I think, 30 years, right?

We've known each other. Yeah, I think so. Is that possible? comedian Mark Marin You know him from his own podcast What the fuck You never were on it I was on your radio show though

Your All-American radio show When I was doing it here Yeah when you were doing it here Over down at KTLK at night Yeah Oh my God No no it was daytime Okay

And then also stand up comedian And also You had your show The Mark Marin show right Maren on IFC Is that still around for people to see like when they see it on streaming or anything? Well, I don't know where that show lives.

I think they can rent it. You know, you can rent it on iTunes. Okay. I don't know if it's streaming. I don't know, I don't even know who has it. There were so many people involved in it. Like, it was for IFC, and then I think Fox Studios was involved,

and now I heard Disney has it because I don't know who owns it. So, but it's one of those weird things where it's like, how do you even watch it? And then there was only three seasons around, and I did four. but I do... Wait, they didn't show the fourth season?

When it was streaming, there was some issue. I do think that you can get it, all four seasons, on iTunes to rent. But the fourth season was never put out for baskets. No, it was put out. Yeah, it was. Yeah, it was seen. But there was a period there where I'm like,

why isn't the fourth season available? We can look that up to you. Well, let's ask Amber. Amber, why wasn't the fourth season available? Hymns and hers. Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, hey. It's easy.

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get in the bedroom and get hymn in with the hymns of maryon available but i think it might have been where do you where do you go to buy things on on apple on my phone is there a place amazon no you know you know when you can buy it like if you like at iTunes you can buy get movies and stuff oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah maybe that's it yeah yeah yeah what weird apple let's go to apple tv and get a movie yeah i'm on a show on apple tc yeah i'm on apple tuesday Oh, here we go. What's up? Amazon Prime Video, all four seasons of Marin available. It was a breakout show for IFC. Let me ask you this. When you were eating... I played a podcaster before podcasters were podcasters.

Oh, wow. Yeah. When you were eating at the Royal Caribbean or whatever was called. Royal Indian, whatever, yeah. Was there, because it sounds seedy, because it was Bakersfield, it was probably beside a shell station, was there a TV hanging anywhere in the... I find that frequently in Indian restaurants... Yeah. There's a... There's a TV showing Bollywood music videos. Okay, so is Marin showing at the Royal Canadian Indian place? Next time I go, I'll put it on their radar. There's also like a little grocery element to the Royal Indian and there's a buffet element that wasn't active when I was there. It's a large place. I'd love to be eating a nice Vindaloo and look up and see you acting. Yeah, sure. Doing that. Yeah. I'd like to see me in a Bollywood music video, to be honest with

I'd like to see you slathered in Tendori and rolling down Hollywood Boulevard. Well, then we're back to the original question. Are you gay, though? I'm a more reckless, remember? But there's an Indian place I eat in Glendale, and they've got the videos going all the time. What's it called? Can we say? Sure.

That's, I believe. Because now people watching, probably 30, 40 people watch this podcast, and now you're probably going to have, like, fans show up. Well, is it like, it's really good, the one I eat. Oh, I love the good Indian food. What's your favorite dish? What do I usually get? I like chana masala.

That's the chickpeas. I like chana saug. That's the chickpeas and spinach. Yeah. I like doll. That's the lentils. I'm a fan of a kind of off the, off the grid bread. That's called pratha.

It's a layered bread. You know you're Indian food. I like the char. which is Indian pickles, which are definitely acquired taste. The first time you try them, you go like, what the fuck is that? And then you're like, I got to get more of that. Oh, wow. Will you look up the, Amber, will you look up the name of the Indian restaurant on brand in Glendale?

I think it's East India Cafe. Oh, wow. I'll give them some juice. It's a good restaurant. You treat me really well. You really know the depth of the Indian menu actually caught me off guard. Sure. Like some people enjoy the doses or the idlies.

God. Yeah, all India, not East India. All India Cafe. That's my place. Wow. Yeah, yeah. And it sounds like you know all the dishes. Well, you know, I wasn't eating meat for years.

So I'm pretty hip to the, talk to me. To the vegetable. Why do I eat meat again? Why did you stop? I wanted to see if it would change my cholesterol numbers. And? Nope. Not at all.

Not really. It's my cholesterol. It's not totally high, but it was borderline. But I was. curious if it was diet. Oh, wow. It wasn't diet. It's pretty genetic.

And then after three and a half years of eating plant-based, I was bored and angry. And I thought, well, maybe at this age, maybe I need a little meat. And then once you have a little bit of meat, it's a fucking over. It's a slippery slope. It's like drugs. Might as well have been fentanyl. Wait, so what were you eating, like lettuce and coal slaw? What year do you live in?

73. Okay. So it's just sprouts. You know, let's go down to a. Let's go down to the source on sunset and have this nice sprout salad with some tofu. Is that what that is? And it's gone. Oh.

Remember that was a restaurant right down from the store? You remember the source? No. Yes. It was right. You come up, Crescent Heights. It was right there. I wouldn't know.

And it was owned by the source family, that cult. It was in, yeah, it was in Annie Hall. There was a scene in there. I don't know anything about a vegetarian themed restaurant. Well, do you really want to know what you eat? You have to figure out a way to balance it. There's that you don't just eat. You got to get your protein.

You got to get your grains. You got to figure it out, man. And yeah, but like I liked it, man. I was cooking for it. I could do it. Like, I kind of based my entire sensibility about it on this restaurant in New York that was like the sort of first high-end macro place. Didn't get bored?

I did. That's why I did get bored. You went back to me. Oh, it did go back to me. That's weird. It didn't even your, the fluctuation of your cholesterol numbers, like nothing. Not much. Not even a point?

No, I've been, yeah, a few points. Yeah. But not like, oh, this is why I have high cholesterol. Oh. And I thought it would make me feel better. But then after a long time, I was like, it's not really making me feel better. And like, why don't I just get on the fucking staten like every other grown-ass man? Oh, I figure it out.

Are you having like veggie anger? I got, I've been having a lot of physical shit, dude. What's going on? I had to sort it out. What happened? Well, at some point, like, you know, I don't know when. it happened. Yeah. But it was in the last, you know, year, like, it felt like my back and shoulder muscles wanted to strangle me. So like, I was all fucking hunched over. And then I got full

body scan. I got a full body scan. We were talking about this in the green room at the store the, like a week ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, about learning how to breathe right and be open, which is terrifying. Like, just sitting like this, I'm scared of what the world will bring. What do you mean? Open. Closed. Oh, wow. Wow. Open. Close. Yeah.

Whoa. Yeah, I know. So you had to be taught this? Well, I always kind of knew it. Yeah. But like it's got to do with the nervous system. Sympathetic, parasympathetic, sympathetic, sympathetic, fight or flight, parasympathetic, eat and, you know, eat, rest and relax, digest.

Yeah, I know those words. Sure. Sure. I know big words. I'm having to fucking mitigate a lot of shit right now. I know what mitigate means too. All right. I don't think I don't know the big ones.

I didn't think that, my guy. What? What did the body scan show? Degenerative shit in my cervical spine and my lumbar. But apparently not a big deal. You don't even understand how many doctors I went to because my hands were tingling. I'm like, I'm going down. Oh, isn't that a precursor to a stroke? No.

Tingling hands? I don't think so. Maybe it is, but I didn't come up with that. I don't have a stroke issue. I just, but I tell you, I got about 15. 20 minute chunk on the journey. What's that mean? You know what a chunk is.

No. Bit. Oh, oh, for your act. Yes. Oh, I didn't know what chunk was. I know because you don't do them. I don't. I don't do.

You just get up there and go like, hey, hey, Mr. Muffin. I know. Where are we at? You want to go to the donkey farm? I know. Let's go buy a hat at the 7-Eleven. What is wrong with me? It's your style.

It's uniquely your own. I know, but it's the Harlan improv. Is it wrong? Is it right? What is it? Sure. I don't know, brother. I just don't know what it is. It's something you've been doing your whole life. It's all I do. But it works, right?

Yeah. I've seen it work. I love it. Yeah. You were way ahead of the game on the crowd work and yours was always interesting. That's right. I was doing crowd work. I started in the 80s.

Sure. Early 80s and I've been doing crowdwork since like 1985. Sure. I've always done it. But it was sort of like it's sort of an improv thing you know, you do this kind of like

weird almost a Americana approach to references like how about some flapjacks you know like that kind of shit. I know. I don't know why. I don't even know why.

I just let it roll guy. I know guy. Yeah. But it works right? I've seen you do crowd work. A little bit. You're not bad at it. I can do it.

Yeah, I've seen you do it. I don't like to do it. Why? It's fun. It's okay. But I don't know that I'm that interested in that. You were actually, I've seen you do it at the store a number of times. Yeah. You're actually good at it. Well, it's if they talk to me, I'm going to do it. I'm not going

to start that way. I've seen you start it. No. Yeah, no, I wouldn't say you started your act that way, but I've seen you engage with the crowd and go, hey, sir. If I get something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You usually wait till there's a trigger for it. That's right. Yeah, yeah. But you're good at it. No, I know. I can, I think it's an important tool. Yeah. I always looked at that way. You should be able to do that. so you can manage your own shit. Yeah. Because you don't want to be one of those acts where they come up to you before the show. It's like, where are you on heckling?

Yeah. I don't like it. Yeah. But you'll know if I want them taken out. But I'll do my best to manage. It's funny with guys that are sort of at our level that you're almost geared to handle anything. Yeah, of course. And if you don't have a little bit of a crowdwork like arsenal, like weapon in your quiver, you're doomed.

You've got to have it. Well, you just got to be. It's just engaging. Yeah. and then trusting yourself. Yeah. I mean, that's the whole thing. No, you, I've seen you do it a few times.

You're good. Well, I appreciate that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did a, I did a Harlan, I kind of Harlan-style crowd work the other night. You did? Yeah, because I mentioned, I mentioned, I was from Albuquerque in one of my bits. Okay. And someone goes, woo.

And I go, are you from there? And she goes, well, my son lives there. And I said, so when he was born, did you just release him? You just let him go. Make your own way. Cut the court and just watch it front. He made it to Albuquerque and then you go visit him. That's sort of Harlan style.

Oh, that's good. I don't know, but as long as I love it, I love it. Yeah. One of the big topics I wanted to bring up with you right out of the gate. You got a plan, huh? We're well past the gate at this point. Yeah, we're well past the gate. I'm going to throw it out dander.

Dander. Dander. Come on, guy. Talk to me. You mean like, Uh, pet dander, cats. Bingo. Yeah.

See, a lot of people don't know what dander is. They don't know, they've never heard the word. Oh, you're trying to stump me? No, no, not you, because you're a cat guy. Yep, but I don't know. I don't really register dander. Dander is what's, it's a source of allergens, right? Right.

Dander. But it primarily, it comes from most hairy animals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cats in particular. Cats and Italians. And Italians and Armenians and Italians of Dander. It caused, Armenians and Italians of dander. Sure.

God. Very hairy people. Wow. Yeah. I don't mean to generalize, but... No, but that makes sense. I live around a lot of Armenians. You do?

Yeah, I'm in Glendo, yeah. Okay. It's interesting, yeah. But you have cats, right? Yeah, I have cats. I don't have pet Armenians. Are you sure? Positive.

Are your cats meowing or are they playing bocce ball? Well, they meow, but I don't understand it. Okay, okay. But how many cats? Three. but see dander you don't know about dander i do know about dander we just established that what is your question but what's it look like can you tell them i know but tell them uh what does cat dander look like people don't know they hear the term i don't know that i've identified it i can see hair around

yeah but i imagine dander just kind of blends in with the rest of the dust they're not walking around in little poofy clouds of dander but can you tell them what it is like what it looks like where it comes from. No. I imagine it comes from their skin. Yeah, there you go. But it's sort of like their version of dandrum. Right, right. Like when their skin dries out and maybe they're getting new skin. Yeah. But all I know is that if you're allergic to cats or dogs, it's because of dander. That's right. Yeah. But I don't know the entire breakdown of how dander works. Okay. Maybe you could have Amber, you know, find a little something on dander. Well, I was hoping you would know of the guys three cats.

I'm sort of surprised you don't know. Well, I know if I was allergic. A little taken aback, to be honest. I can answer a lot of other cat questions. I can acknowledge they have dander. You asked me if I've seen it. I haven't. And then you asked me, where does it come from?

And we made an assumption that we could easily prove with a little research. I know, but I almost expected you to kind of come out of the gate with some real analytics. Oh, no, about cat dander? Yeah. No. I have analytics about cat. behavior. I have analytics about, I've, I've, I've, I've kept a couple of cats alive, probably longer than they should have been through IV intravenous. I had to, why?

Well, when their kidneys start to go, you have to hydrate them. So you have to give them subcutaneous fluids. And so if you have, subcutaneous fluids. It's where you got to give them an IV and get some water in there. But what does subcontaneous mean? It means under the skin. Oh, I thought it meant under the earth like there was a spring somewhere. I think that's a sub something else. Sub, yeah. Yeah, sub something. So you had some dying cats.

Yeah. And then you had, yeah, you had to do that like. Subcontraneous, though. Yeah, subcontaneous. Subcutaneous. You subcontrarian. You subcontrarian. Yeah, you get them on your lap and get the little drip.

And then you got to pull the little hair up on the back. Oh, God. Get the needle in there. And then keep them relaxed and fill them up with water. How long does this last? as long as it takes to get the amount of fluids in there. Because aren't they cantankerous? Like aren't cats?

Yes, yes, yes. How do they run around? Are they pulling like a thing with a bag? Yeah, you just get them in an IV with wheels and you hope they don't run into anything. It's a hit or miss thing. It's a little shorter than the human one. It's just a little ID on wheels. Yeah.

And how much longer did you prolong their life do you think? I don't know. It becomes tricky with them. animals. You have nine dogs, right? Did I see a kennel out there? A kennel? Yeah. Where? Out right out back with nine dogs in it? No. Oh. That's not you? Your neighbor? I used to have dogs. What happened to them? They died. Oh. Yeah. Did you try to keep them alive? Just let them go. No, they just died of old age. Really? Yeah. That's pretty good. I guess these cats kind of died of old age, too. They made it to 16. But how long did, like, was there a point when they were sick where you should have just let them go?

Well, I did. Like, I let one go on a little longer because you don't want to let them go, but they get pretty loopy and fucked up. And then you just have to make that decision of, you know, to put them down. But one of them, like, he was pretty ready to go. I had good vets. And, you know, you just, it's part of the horror of peddle ownership. It's like you know that, like, you're going to have to kill your friend eventually.

Kill it. Sure. You know, take it to the vet. Have it put down. Kill is the joke word. for it, but it's sort of similar. But your guys just died of old age, huh? Yeah.

At the house? Well, at my friend's house. So you didn't even take care of your dogs? I ended up having to give them away because they were, they, they, I was traveling too much. Yeah, it's hard to have dogs and travel. But I used to have a cat. And what happened to that thing?

I had a black cat and two white ferrets. A ferret and two ferrets. Two white albino ferrets with red eyes and a black cat with green eyes. And I'd come home to my apartment and, and then, they'd all be at the door. When I'd open the door, they'd all be sitting there. The ferrets and the cat got along? Yeah, they got along. Really? So I had two whitties and a blackie, and they'd just sit there, and they'd like, look at me, and it was bizarre. Yeah. And wait, now where'd the ferrets sleep? The ferrets slept. I had that little thing up in a closet.

Oh, okay. So they were closeted ferrets. I had them up in the closet. But they'd run around during the day? They'd run, I put them down, and they'd run around, and the cat and the ferrets would just be buddies. Yeah. See, this is like, this. This is one of those things where I'd need some validation, you know, because it seems like a Harlem Williams bit. You want me to find an old video of it? Do you have videos or your ferrets? I probably have some old video of the three of them. All right.

We can do it another time. Yeah, I'll dig something up. This was 20. This was 30 years ago. That's nice. Yeah, I'll give you some proof, my guy. So you're a ferret guy. Well, I was then.

It's the Barrett twins, kids, parrot babies. White rat? Here comes my cat and she's a freak. Do you want to see my cat? There she is. Who's that? Oh, she understands English. She's just slow.

Who's that? It's the Oscars. Babies together. They're supposed to blow up. This is John Boy, because he's got a big mole on it. Little rat buddies. It's the rat babies, kids. Don't forget it.

The rat baby! Babies. What attracted you to ferrets? This girl that I knew had them, and she didn't want them anymore, and said, you want them, and I didn't really, but I took them. And how long did that relationship last? With the girl or the ferrets? The girl.

Oh, the girl probably two weeks. Oh, and you got two ferrets out of it. And the cat, by the way, was a cat I had bought for a girlfriend for a birthday that I broke up with. And so you got the cat and two ferrets that you didn't even have to take. You barely knew the girl. Yeah. But you're trying to make points by taking her ferrets. Yeah, I had two breakup ferrets and a breakup cat.

Wow. Have you ever given your cat catnip? Yeah, the other day. One of them was eating it today. What, would it talk to me? What is that stuff? It's like LSD for cats. I think it's more like pot or some cats get stoned and loopy.

Other cats get jacked. I don't know how it affects them. Yeah. But like it doesn't really, they just get very, they just get very don't you get people writing like you don't know how much it bothers me I used to have people eat on my podcast

and it would drive there's certain people that just drives them crazy the sound of it drives them fucking crazy yeah what's that called when people are hung up on that MFB or something Yeah yeah it's like three letters Oh yeah

MFB or BMF I think those are the yeah Those are the videos But I think there's a name for it Oh, but annoying. To some people, like beyond annoying. Yeah. The question was, catnip.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I have it around. They don't love it. They roll around in it. They'll get all kind of goofy. Yeah, I would give it to my cat, and he would be having the time of his life. Yeah.

And I would be like, I'll be damned if I'm going to sit on the couch here watching Gilligan's Island, well, my cat, like, goes to Woodstock on my time. Sure. Yeah. So I used to eat the stuff, too. How'd that go for you? Dude, I've done it all. You know me.

I've done heroin. I've done LSD. I've done all of it. Ketamine. Ketamine? Ketamine? Ketamine? Kiyahuaskas.

Yeah. The ayahuaskas. Yeah. I put a handful of catnip in my mouth. I remember one day I, about an hour later, I was walking down the street in a little mermaid costume. Sure. holding a sign up that said, I'm furgalicious.

Yeah. And I didn't care. Yeah, no, because you're on the nip. I was on the nip, yeah. Oh, man. I think that weed is catnip for people. It's weird. Do dogs have a nip?

I don't know, do they? I never had dogs. I grew up with dogs. I don't have dogs now. That's weird that cats get to get stoned. Yeah. But dogs, they don't have a nip? Yeah, I don't think so.

I wonder. Yeah. I'll draw I'll draw I'll get my cat gabapentin sometimes that gets some loopy what's that it's like a like a muscle relaxer like you people take it too I got prescribed it for all this neurological shit I was having dude I feel bad I'm okay yeah gabapentin to really work but on cats it fucking knocks him out it does yeah yeah they just get loopy it's like if you're gonna take him to a vet sometimes I'm out of town for too many days yeah I'll have the cats that are giving the gab in the morning just so he's not all worked up wow yeah fun drugging animals

Speaking of ailments, and if this is too sensitive, we don't have to talk about it. Okay. But because we work together a lot, and honestly, if this is something you don't want to talk about, just say next. Sure. But I know you talk about this on stage a lot. My dad? Your dad's going through some stuff. And it's very fascinating for me to watch because it's real.

Your dad's going through a very painful thing. But he doesn't know it. He doesn't know it. And you're coping with it, I think. Through comedy. Through comedy. And it's kind of fascinating to me because it's a very, like, it's a very, like, bad disease.

Sure. And how do you make it funny? But you go up there and do it. And I just wanted to ask you, like, what's going through your head when you go up there? Is it painful to do it? Or are you working through it? Or, like, talk to me. It's like, I don't know, I kind of set up the idea that, like, well, we're funny people.

You know, so, you know, it's an experience I'm dealing with. And my dad and I were close enough, you know, and it's sad, but it's happening. What does he have first of all? I think it's dementia. Dementia. You don't mind talking about this? No, no. I talk about it on stage.

Yeah. And now my mom's kind of losing it, too. Oh, no. Yeah. But it's, I think the last bit I do about, you know, him not remembering where the house that, you know, I grew up in. Yeah. That can be sad. I think the reason the jokes work is that most people are dealing with this shit.

You know, most people have someone in their life. And it can be devastating. But my whole premise is that if you sort of let go of who they were and kind of deal with what's going on now, they're different people. Yeah. And before they get terrible, before they completely break down and not remember anything, their brains work differently. And sometimes what they say is very funny and weird.

And there's no way it's not funny. And I think that there is a part of experience, of the experience of that, that if you can laugh at it, which I think many people do, that it's okay. You don't necessarily have to laugh in their face, but maybe you should. Sure. And also, maybe that'll help snap them out of it. You would think. Yeah, yeah, there they are. Sometimes it does.

Really? For a minute. Yeah. But like my dad was also like my, you know, primary audience, you know, as, you know, busting my dad's balls was something I've done. down all my life. I think it's one of the reasons why I'm a comic. I mean, he was a depressive. That's one of the jokes I have. I said my dad was a bipolar a narcissistic bipolar fuck

for most of my entire life. And then I say and there's a cure for that. It's dementia. Oh my God. Yeah. Levels them right out. Yeah, right. No more moot swings the sleigh. Totally. Wow. In a way that's actually very accurate. Exactly. But does he remember you? Yeah, he does right now.

Oh, my, like at what level? Like every day or sometimes? No, there hasn't been trouble with that yet. Okay, good. What do you feel about that? That must be scary, right? I used to do a joke about that, too. It was kind of a cynical joke.

What was it? I used to say, I used to say, did I do it on my line special? I feel like I did. I used to say that I know that at some point my dad will no longer remember who I am and I will be truly free. Oh, yeah. Hey, Dad, how you doing? Who are you?

Yes. Yes. The guy throws his arms up. Yes. Yeah, but you know, I am sad. And then you see the will and you're like, oh, no, he forgot. No. I know he's got no breath.

I don't need his money. It starts to work the other way. Oh, wow. You start to give, you know, that money. That's it. That's the great. Yeah, that's true. That's a great privilege of becoming an avidavis.

adult, you know, if you are, you know, able to help your parents out a little bit. But wait, so now you're saying your mother's starting to suffer from the same thing? I don't know if it's the same thing. You've got to realize that, you know, people get old and there are some old people. It's like the same with cats. You know, my cats died at 16, but then there are those people that are like, my cat lived lived until 23. Who the fuck knows?

Yeah. You get to a certain age and shit's going to break down. And one of the things it does in a lot of people, whether it's dementia or not, is their memory. and if they're not active or they don't continually engage with other people, like you can sort of fall into yourself. I mean, my mom. Have you thought about stuffing one of those subterranean tubes into your dad that you gave

your cat? See if it helps? Sure. You just get them on the IV fluids. Yeah. I don't know if it'll help. Okay. But I think they're making some progress with drugs around this stuff.

But he's like kind of a, you know, he was a doctor and he's like he's very adverse. to taking medicine. That's got to be even worse when you're a doctor and you're still cognizant and you can see the condition coming. And there's no cure yet. And you've spent your whole life in that profession. That's sort of like very ironic somehow.

I don't get the sense that, like I do get the sense that he's aware that his brain isn't working as well as it did. Like there are moments like that. Was he a surgeon? Yeah, orthopedic. Wow, because that's a skilled mindset. Yeah, well, the orthopedic is like the least delicate of the surgery.

Is that feet? No, it's a big bone. So it's a lot of, you know, saws and hammers and drills. Oh, yeah. Frankenstein. Dude, one time he took me like, like when I was a kid. You ever wake up in the middle of the night and you're in an iron maiden? No, no, but when I was a kid, you know, before the Internet,

Like I was young and he had to go down. He was going to go to the hospital to watch a film, a film, yeah, how to do a procedure, you know, like a new procedure. Yeah. And he goes, you want to go? I'd go, sure. And it was just this film of them like replacing a hip. And there's like, there's hammers and they're putting screws in.

And I'm like, my God. Yeah. And he had all these books, his old medical school books and magazines that were around the house or just diseases. It fucked my brain up. My mother, when I was a, kid. Just collected those books? No, she was the president of the Right to life association. Right. And I'm not kidding, she'd make me and my sisters go down in the basement and watch

movies of abortions, like babies in garbage bags and like guys with like pulling like, wow. And we were just like, what is it? Like it was so surreal. We didn't even know what the hell we were looking. I'm talking like nine years old. Sure. And it was bizarre. And we wanted us. to know that that existed, but it was probably a bit too extreme. For a kid. To watch abortions. Where do you stand on that now? Abortion?

Yeah. You know, it's funny you ask me that because I have an opinion on everything. But the one topic that I tell everyone who asked me, and I'll give you the same answer. People ask you this? Every now and then, because I have abortion fingers. Sure. I don't even know what that meant. Do you?

I don't know what that meant. There's no reason to analyze it. Just let it be. Yeah, let it be. abortion fingers. But I always say it's the one topic that I sit on the fence. Yeah.

Because I love life. I love children. But I'm not a woman. I don't know what to say about it because I'm not a woman. I don't want it to happen. Like, I wouldn't want an abortion in my life if that situation came out.

But I have four sisters and I've had girlfriends and I've had a wife. All of them. abortions. But I just don't know that as a man, I don't know what to tell them. Well, you don't have to tell them anything. It's their choice is what you're saying.

Well, I just stay on the fence and I... It doesn't sound like you're on the fence. You're saying it's up to them. Well, I'm on the fence because it's up to them, but I'm also on my side. I wouldn't want it to happen. Like if I impregnated someone, I would say, don't get an abortion. Let me keep the child. Right.

And then you'd have to see how that goes. Yeah. But I just... I don't know. I have no answer for it. What about you? Yeah, it's up to them. But what's your answer?

In terms of like, if I got someone pregnant, do I want the kid? No, like just abortion. Like, oh, it's up to the person who's pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you sound like you're sort of like me. It's like you're more definitive.

Yeah, I mean, it's not my choice. Yeah. It's theirs. Yeah. Has anyone in your circle of life ever done it or had to, Have I experienced abortion? Yeah. Oh boy.

You don't have to answer if you don't want. Have I ever gotten a woman pregnant? Did you abort? You have, haven't you? A long time ago, I believe I didn't know anything about it until after. Like I wasn't even part of the conversation that, you know, like she did it. Without telling you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. How old were you? I feel like I was in my late. 20s maybe. So she told you, she did it without telling you. Yeah. And I want an honest answer. Yeah.

When she told you, A, what was your reaction? And B, what did you feel inside sort of spiritually? Well, I think I felt like there was part of me that wanted to be part of the conversation. Yeah. But there was another part of me that realized that, you know, if she needed to do that, that's, you know, that's what she needed to do. is there a side of you that ever went hey wait a minute i created a life how could you just

do that without consulting it's not like we went shopping for a car yeah you created a new mark merrin how could how could you dispose of that without consult like were you angry or were you no no because there's part of me that like do you know is do we really need another mark marron and yeah i i don't know that i don't know that i was angry about that it was the whole situation was you know not great and yeah it was so you had no knowledge at all no and how to tell how did she inform you well she told me she was upset you know and you know it wasn't like a long relationship or anything how long after she did it i don't know i don't know it was a long time ago but it was done and you know and i felt you know bad for a number

of reasons, but none of them were because she made the decision she made. Wow. Now, all that being said and done. Yeah. Mark Varon's older now. Yeah. You've lived life. Right. You know people. Yeah. Is there any part of you that hurts or yearns for that life that was or could have been? Or have you been able to push it away or do you try to push it away? No, I don't think about it. You know? Ever. No. And like, obviously, I've been. been married twice. I've had opportunities to have kids. And I just, I did, it was, I don't, I don't want them. And, um, but again, if something were to happen where I had one, you know, I would accept that responsibility. But I do not, you know, I chose not to be a parent. If we roll back the tape,

and this is a hypothetical, and that's a big word that I know. I don't know if you know hypothetical. I do. You do. Okay. Because you used a few on me that, I didn't know. Mitigate. What's that mean. Yeah. No, you said you knew what that means. I do. Yeah. And then there was the subcutaneous. Yeah, I know that one too. Yeah. But in a world where if you roll back the tape and she comes to you, what was, we don't want to say her name. Carol. Right. Carol comes to you and goes, Mark. Yeah. That fun night we had three, three months ago in Bakersfield. The Indian food was delicious. Yeah, yeah. You got along with my lizard. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Boom. Mark, I'm preggers. I'm going to abort.

Yeah. What do you say, given the chance that she tells you? I would say, do you want me to give you a ride? Really? Yeah. There's no part of you that goes, that could be my little hockey player, that could be my future George Carlin.

What do you need? Really? There's no part of you that wants to see that life and because it's part of you? No. Really? Yeah. Not even a little bit.

Not really. I don't know if I believe it. Well, you should. But I won't. Okay. I'm looking in your eyes. Yeah. I think you're a little, you got to be a little bit curious.

Would you have been funny? Yeah, I don't. What do you have like cats? I don't really go there. You know, again, because I've, you know, sort of decided to not have kids. Am I making you go there and it's uncomfortable? No, because, like, you know, look, I've thought of that, but like, there's reasons why, you you know, I don't want to have kids.

Why? Because, like, I'm a panicky, selfish person, you know, and then there are people, you know, and I worry a lot. And also, like, I don't know, you know, emotionally how I'd handle the responsibility. And then there's a lot of people that are like, well, you know, you just, like, you just do it. Yeah. And it'll happen and you'll do, you'll do the right thing. That may be true, you know, but, you know, in my heart, like, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't

want them. Yeah. Do I ever think about, like, wouldn't it be cool to have a couple of kids? I don't know. I don't think about it. You ever think about this? I have friends who have kids, and I get very invested in their kids. You know, like my buddy Sam's got a couple of kids, and I've been friends with him forever.

So I've heard the whole arc of their growing up and how they turned out, and I enjoy that. I enjoy the connection to my friend's experience and also to their kids' experience. But I never think, like, I wish I had that. Yeah, yeah, that's fair, and that's totally fair. I'm going to throw another hypothetical. I wonder if having a kid would somehow change your anxiety and the other things that you said afflicted you. If a kid sort of forced you out of them or just naturally brought you ease and comfort and changed your directive. And a kid maybe helped you somehow in a misguided way because you had that fatherly energy.

You know, like I think I probably do have that. but judging how, you know, like you're wired by your parents and how my parents, you know, engaged with child raising emotionally was not great. So there are things that, you know, I possess emotionally that are pretty deep, you know, behaviorally that I was brought up in that, you know, I don't think is great, you know, and I don't know that they did a great job. Yeah. I did okay.

My brother's okay. My brother has three kids. Okay. Yeah. And it's a very, it's hard. And I understand there's a lot of joy in it. And I can see the both the ups and downs of it. Yeah.

Because you know people that, you know, have had problem kids, that people that, you know, they have to, you know, kids maybe have drug problems or what all can. She can be a nightmare if it goes the wrong way. Yeah. All it takes is one bad friend. Yeah. And, uh, and look, I, I feel satisfied enough being part of it. my friend's wife who have children. Okay. Yeah. I'm not forcing a kid on you. I'm just curious. What about you? But before you ask me, does the, do your parents know about the kid that

never happened? No. And they, what would they say? Would they be disappointed? No. No. My, my dad barely knows who I am. So they won't be like, oh, no, no, no. No, no. I didn't grow up, you know, with religion or, you know, any, You know, my parents were pretty progressive people. You know, I think they would have understood the situation. Okay. Yeah. This might have been our first real conversation.

On this show? Ever. Yeah. Well, what about you? Why don't you have a... Okay. Fair enough. You want my story?

Well, no. I just want to know, like, you know, I don't know what your life is. I... You were never married. I was married. How'd that go? Were you married when we went to Ireland? Yeah.

No, wait. I think you were. The second time. I think you were. No, the first time I wasn't. The second time I was. Okay. And what happened with that marriage?

That marriage just didn't work out. It was classic, you know, case of just, just wasn't working. I don't go into it a lot, and this is going to seem unfair, but I, that's something I don't talk about in my life. You don't talk about much of anything. I do, but that, I kind of don't because it involves her. No, I understand that totally. I don't want to drag someone else who I loved and expose them.

And it wasn't anything horrible. Right. At the end of the day, it just didn't work. It wasn't anything catastrophic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's something I kind of keep private. Yeah, I had to learn that lesson the hard way in talking about relationships on the air because a woman that was seeing brought it to my attention that, you know, they don't, they don't have a side in it.

Right. So all that's coming out is your side. That's right. The side of the woman who thinks. thinks you're a monster, that doesn't get represented. Yeah, yeah. And plus it's so intimate that to share, you know, you wouldn't sit down on a bus and turn to the strangers on either side and go, let me tell you about my failed marriage, you know, to complete. Well, I do it to audiences. Yeah, you do. That's what I mean. The thing about your

father, you just throw it out there. Well, I don't know where else to come from. Yeah. I can't, like it's, like, it's satisfying to me to connect around real stuff if it's possible, you know, and stuff. Yeah. And stuff that's, you know, challenging as opposed to just sort of like, yeah, I grew up in a family. Everybody ate a lot. You know, like, you know, I don't, like, I'm like, let's go deeper, do you know? The fat family routine. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God. So you didn't, but were you, were you disappointed that you didn't have kids? Yes, because when you get married, that's one, for a lot of people, that was, that's kind of part of the, the whole package, right? Yeah. I don't even know if I ever thought that, but yes. Yes, I was thinking about that. Well, you're brought up religious. I was brought up religious, but I was in control of my own religiousity, if that's

even a word. After a certain point, you know, after the film strips in the basement, you took control of your life. What was my mother thinking? She knew exactly what she was thinking. What was she doing? Tell me. You know how to analyze things.

Life is sacred. Never do this. Yeah, yeah. Don't ever be part of it. of this. Isn't it funny that she exposed me to that in such a strong way? And this is what I love about the human mind. I still formulated my own opinion about such a severe thing even after my mother. And I don't think she was trying to fill me with propaganda. She was just very passionate about abortion and the right to life, which I respect. But I find it fascinating that even with exposure

to that kind of shocking, vile footage, I was still mature enough or dumb enough or intelligent enough to form my own opinion about it. Yeah. And that's what I love about all of us as individuals. We can do that. Well, somehow you pulled away. Like, where are you?

You have four sisters? Four sisters. And you're the youngest? Middle. Middle. Yeah. So you were surrounded by a lot of women. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. And you got a bunch of nieces and nephews? Yep. Yeah. So that's good. Yeah. Do you enjoy that? You must be a good uncle.

I like it. Everyone says I'd be a great dad. You're the perfect uncle. I think I would have been. You're the weirdo who drops in every few months. Yeah, just, you know, I make them laugh, have fun. Right. You probably do roughly the same act you do at the comedy story. Pretty much. Yeah, that's about it. You're right.

You just clean it up a little. That's how I write my act. I just go hang out with my nieces and nephews. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, good. Thanks for sharing, man, about your dad and stuff. I'm sorry. It's weird because it's a type of ailment where you want to say, hey, I hope he gets better, but they can't. It's degenerative.

So all I can say is I hope it goes slow. Like, how do you address that? Well, it's either way. I think you get to a point where, you know, they outlive their mental capacity. So, you know, sadly, I think it comes to a point where it's like, I wish they would go. Yeah. You know, because they don't know.

Yeah. You know, like, you do want the disease to go slow. Yeah. But once they get bad, because a lot of times it's got no bearing on their physical constitution. Yeah. Right. It's a mental problem. So if they're healthy, physically, it can go on a long time where they're really, you know, disconnected.

Yeah. Yeah. This is such a funny podcast. It is? We're really talking about the funny stuff. I don't find it that funny. I was being sarcastic. Being sarcastic.

You are? Yeah, I was, yeah. So you don't think it's funny? No. Only the jokes I do about it. It is amazing to watch you up there, and you'll do 20 minutes straight on this kind of sad state of affairs. But the reason I wanted to bring it up, because I find it pretty admirable that you have the courage to talk about it, can talk through it.

And I know that somehow in a way, it's therapeutic for you because you're using humor to cope with that. Yeah. Is it okay to, do you think, in a general level, to use humor when people are sick and terminal? I think people do it as a go-to defense mechanism almost. Well, I think there's, but like there's defense mechanism. I think humor is a defensive posture.

You know, it does keep people at arms. length, you know, and it's intuitive like that. But I also think it's a coping skill. Yeah, that's it. Coping. You're up there coping. Well, it's different. Well, I mean, it's like it's how I'm processing. Yeah. You know, and some of my stuff is pretty harsh in a way. But that's the nature of the joke. Like, if you say things that, you know, people don't say out loud, but they may have it in their, in their heart a little bit, it doesn't mean that's who they are. But they've thought the thought, But they're too, it's not something you say publicly or even out loud. And then I get up there and I say it out loud.

There's a tremendous relief from that. Yeah. And it's a type of laughter that's deep. And I like it. Since you, it is getting a little intense. I won't say dark, but it's getting intense. Is there a piece of that run on your dad that you could feel bad about? No, not perform it, but could you say it here?

like verbalize one of the bits that sort of, you know, that you do up on stage. Yeah. Because it's all hilarious, but is there something we can end this with kind of the funny side of it? Well, the story I tell that I think is, is really funny. Outside of the stuff he says sometimes, which are just funny bits, and I'm going to probably do this in my next special. So I, but it's fine. Like there is a story I tell because there is, when I show,

shift into the sort of bitter, the sort of heartbreaking part of it. Yeah. Which is also kind of funny. It's just figuring out how to make it funny. And a lot of times he'll just provide that. Like where I grew up in Albuquerque, it was kind of rural. And down the street from where I lived, a guy owned a herd of buffalo. Like there was like five or six buffalo in this big field.

So I grew up down the street. Weird. Yeah, from the Buffalo. And everybody knew about the Buffalo. So if people be like, where do you live, I'd be like, well, you know, down by the Buffalo. And they're like, oh, yeah, down by Real Grand Show, I know where that is. So that was a reality. So the Buffalo are long gone.

And the house I grew up in is long gone. Okay. Yeah. And recently I was down there with my dad and we're driving around. And when you have a parent with dementia, you spend a lot of time, you know, pop quizzing them on their own life. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So we're just driving down there. And I was just like, hey, dad. You remember the house, you know, where we lived, where I grew up down here? And he just goes, nope. Like that. Nope. And like, there's a party that's like, really? My whole childhood.

And then you're like, you know, you got off easy. You know, yeah. So nope. And then I, like, a few beats later I go, do you remember the Buffalo? He's like, of course I do. And then I do a weird line where I say, and that just shows an example of the power of native myth. Yeah. The power of Buffalo. Yeah. But that's funny.

You know, it's hilarious. It's sad, but it's funny. You know what's great about you too? Because when we grew up, we were taught all kinds of songs, like ring around the rosy and things like that. You were one of the only kids in America that could ride around on your bicycle singing, Oh, give me a home where the Buffalo roam. Yeah. And they weren't quite roaming.

They were pinned in, but yeah. And being slaughtered. Mm-mm. Oh, they didn't use them for meat? No. I don't know what happened to them. It was like this doctor, and he just owned these fucking buffalo. But they were always there.

He wasn't killing him. Oh. I don't really know, you know, what became of the buffalo. Do you call them buffalo or bison? I think they're slightly different, no? I'm not sure, Amber. I think a buffalo and a bison's bigger. A bison might be smaller.

Yeah. Maybe the bison is smaller. I think it's smaller. What's the difference between the buffalo were the ones that ranged in the millions across the American planes? Yeah. And we're almost eradicated to extinction by people just shooting them. I'm sure the bison were involved in that. What's the difference between a bison and a buffalo, please?

No, they're all bison. Oh. So they're not even buffalo. Wow. I'm still going to call them buffaloes. Yeah. Have you ever seen them up quite? Oh yeah, they're huge.

Huge heads. Huge heads. Giant. Yeah. Yeah. You just walk down the street and look at them. I think we might have to rename some sports teams like the Buffalo, the Bison Bisons?

Bison Bills. I don't think so. Because she just said that. I know, but no one needs to know that. Yeah. Switching from the past to the future, are you an AI guy? No, I'm real.

Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. Are you? Take your shirt up. No. Are you, do you like AI? Because so many people don't like it. Well, I think the threat of general AI, you know, if it's as horrible as they say it is, it's, you know, it's scary.

It is? Yeah. Do you use it much? Well, that's not the, that's not the issue. I mean, chat GPT is not specifically the issue. The issue is that if you're going to create an intelligence, right, a, a, a, a, you know, technological intelligence that is smarter than humans and capable of doing almost anything, right? And then it makes some decisions on its own to undermine the entire technological

infrastructure of our planet. That's a problem. And no one's really sure about the will of these, you know, AIs and their desire to survive and be predatory. Like there's a sense that it feels like an almost invasive species that they're releasing. into the technological infrastructure of our planet. So whether or not I use AI, because when I do a search on Google, it's now AI, I'm okay with that, but it seems like the bigger picture

is that they're creating these things to resolve certain problems, and they sort of have a will of their own, so you don't know if they're just going to, you know, take us out. I think you're getting too deep into it, guy. I just read a book about it. Like, you got to simplify it. I mean, either you like it.

and you use it or you don't. I use it all the time. I enjoy like a cat playing drums occasionally. And, you know, I like some of the AI generated swap. It's kind of fun. It's just part of life. It's like the flavors of life, AI. No, no. And, you know, it's been around a lot longer than people say. I think, I wrote it down. How long is it? AI's been around since 1862. Oh, do you know that? Sure, sure. You don't believe me? No, I believe that our entire sense of history after 1862 is manufactured. So you don't believe AI's been around since 1862. What if I could prove it to you? Okay.

Look at that. Oh, you see, that's an easy mistake. That's A1. 1862. What? It's A1. What? A1.

That's AI guy. Can you read? No, it's. It's a 1 steak sauce. It's okay. I use this all the time. I know. I don't know why people complain.

It's delicious. Common mistake. It's a one. I love AI. Okay. Have you ever put AI all over a nice ribbi or a tea bomb? Sure. I enjoy it.

I like a 1. It's a 1. The sense of disappointment in your eyes that this was just a bit. No, it's like, no, no, I was, I'm just trying to tell you that it's a 1. But I set up this whole. bit. No, I liked it. You really did? I did. But I didn't know how long I was going to go along with it. Should I just let you go on about it and not said anything? Would that have been better for you? No, I just, I want to make sure you're not disappointed. In the bit. Like, what a bit.

It's great. You should bring it on stage. Like out of 10, what would you rank this bit? A.I, but it's really A1. Two. I knew it. I can't make you happy. I don't know. This is a major bit. What's, let's take Scott Thompson. Maybe he can put it in his bag. This is A1 sauce. It's A1. Wait, isn't that carrot top? Yeah.

Scott Thompson? Why would you call him that? Actually, he'd be delicious with A1 on him. He's a carrot. Yeah, but he'd be tough. He'd be tough. Yeah. It's kind of ripped.

Did you like that bit, though, or no? That's a two? Yeah. Really? Yeah, it's okay. I like it that you're honest. Like if the dot next to the one, one were on top.

Like if it was, you know, I think, no, it was a funny bit. It was a funny bit, right? Funny bit for you. Yeah, I could tell you. For me. 1862. No, I get it. The day.

It was accurate at least. Yeah, yeah. And the idea that, but see, on another level, the bit is like, I'm too dumb to realize. I mean, that's sort of the heart of the bit. Yeah. Yeah. I'm basically calling you a tard. No, you're calling yourself one.

Yeah, man. I'm the one that corrected it. You're the one that's, I don't even know my own bit. Well, yeah. That's what's wrong with me. Basically, you're saying, I'm so stupid. Yeah. I think this is AI.

Yeah. What is it going to be my turn to shine? Do you think? Like, when do I get a chance? You're shining now. I think it's the best you've had, the best time in your career you've ever had. Yeah, it's good. I can't complain.

You've been around a while. You're in the, what was it, down periscope? Oh, yeah. I've been around. Yeah. And weren't you in the thing about Mary for a minute? Something about Mary? Something about Mary?

Yeah. And what were some of the other movies? Oh, we don't want to talk about my resume. This is your time, my God. No, but I just, I feel, I want to prop you up. I'm all right.

No, I want to prop you up. You've done great. No, I don't want to talk about me. I don't talk about you. I just say something nice. Like,

you know, like, I've known you a long time. Yeah. And, you know, there was a period there where I'm like, what's going to happen to that guy.

Really? Yeah. What do you mean? Well, I just didn't see you around a lot. I'd see you a comedy festival. You pop up in a movie. But now, like, you're like, you know, you're flourishing. And I'm so happy for you.

You know, you're out. Yeah. Are you being passive aggressive? No. Honest. Honest. I'm like, he's out there. He's selling tickets.

People know who he is. He's doing the big podcast. He's doing shows. But when you leave and tomorrow night, you go to the comedy store and go, that fucking Harlan pulled an AI, A1 sauce gag on me, that fucking guy. I don't no no I'm not gonna you don't no so this is for real I got nothing against you I know but sometimes you're passive aggressive well you have to be just to get you connect

in there but you're with everybody not really yeah no people that love it people that have my number have my number but that's what I mean I think you you're wired you like to go after people and then you give them you get into it with them but then you like to confront them later and make up nicy, nicy. No, no. I think it's a way that you sort of communicate. And it's not malicious, but I think it's kind of part of your methodology. I do some.

I did, there's certain people that I think I, I bust balls a little bit. Yeah, who? But, uh, well, like you're saying, even with you, like I, I, I kind of poke at you. I love it, though. Right, but it's just because like, we get each other. That's right. But some people don't. There's not that many that don't get.

me and sometimes I'm not like that with people at all. And sometimes it's fun to do it because they just do it back to me like you do. Or Santino or, you know, but I'm not going to do it to Bobby. I love Bobby and like, you know, he's very sensitive. Yeah, he is. And so you got to find, you know, your people that you can bust balls with. Yeah. And then, you know, sometimes they, it gets taken the wrong way.

But I don't think I'm malicious. No, you're not malicious. But you like to break balls sometimes knowing that it'll filter back to them. and then you like to confront them and have it out. I was like, hey, we're good, we're cool. I don't know if I know that. I don't know if I know that.

Yeah, you do. No. And I'm telling you. No. Yeah. All right, but I don't think so. I do think I say things. And sometimes people are like,

I heard you said this about me. Right. And I'm like, well, I did. Right. That's what I just described. Yeah, I know, but that's not a good thing. Like, that's not, that's not, that's a bad thing, but it's sort of the way you're wired.

It's not a, it's not a, not a plan. It's not a plan, but something in your subconscious. It's your way of somehow connecting and communing with people. It's a strange way to do it. No, I'd rather, just like, uh, like if I can find somebody you can kind of like that can bust me down to. Yeah. Because it makes me feel, I like it. It's a, you know, it's fun to be taken down a notch by somebody who you're doing that to, you know, if it goes back and forth. But there have been points, if I'm in the wrong mood where I'll say something that I think is funny, but it's a little too cutting and then you know it gets back and i've done jokes like that too that have upset people

but i usually think about them a lot if i'm going to do a joke okay that might upset people i have to weigh that out has there been anyone where you couldn't like explain it away and they're like they got mad at you and it's like it's still bitter um sure probably talk to me no who is it i'm not going to make Who are they? I'm not going to make more. I'm not going to, like, you know, I, I've done what I could to resolve certain things and certain things I have to stand by. What if this is a platform for you to, you know, clear the air?

I don't think there's anybody that's, like, the people that are mad at me, some, I think some air has been clear, but there's some people that, like, are just mad. And, like, I don't, I don't need to bring, you know, names into it. But, you know, I do what I do. can to resolve things. No, there's too much. It just, you know, things get taken out of context and, you know, and I'm not going to do it.

I'm not trying to stir the pot. Yeah, you are. You're totally trying to stir the pot. I am. But that's what we always do. Me and Mark did a comedy festival in Ireland. What was about 28 years ago? And it was weird because we're in this foreign country.

Yeah. And it was me and Mark and Laura Kahn. tightlinger. Dom Irera. Dom Arara. And me and Mark had never really worked together before. Right. And so we were like sort of the only, I'm Canadian, but you're American, and we're the only

guys that sort of had each other. Yeah. And we sort of kind of glammed on to each other. And for a week, we were like these kind of buddies. I was so upset. I was bombing. It was hard. You were mixed.

You were mixed. Sometimes you would bomb. Sometimes you would kill. but I was the same way because it's a different sensibility over there. Yeah, but it's also that festival was difficult because it was rural and you're performing in venues

that aren't comedy venues and it's a big deal for the people there. But that's like I got the feeling at that time that they weren't regular comedy people. They're like, oh, the things in our town. Yeah, the villagers would come. Yeah, exactly. Put the butter churner down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, and it was just hard. Yeah, and I, and I, and I, I still a bit get comfortable internationally because I don't feel like I have a grounding there. Yeah.

You know, like everything in the supermarket's a little different. Yeah. You know. Well, I think that's what I'm saying. You were, and I don't know if I was this to you, but you were to me sort of a little bit like my comfort food. Sure. Because we were out of our element, but I was like, we sort of clung together. We're eating breakfast together.

Yeah. We knew we were coming from the same place where we were sort of misunderstood. It was awkward, but it was still fun. I really enjoyed it. And I enjoyed my time with you. Yeah, I don't, like, that's the other thing about me is, like, I don't know in general to how to enjoy things for very long. Yeah. And it's just like, I'd like to figure that out.

Yeah. Because I'm old and my body's all, you know. Oh, God. But, like, I like laughing and I like hanging out with, you know, comics. I've done it my whole life. Yeah. And, you know, things have gotten tense here. there in comedy in the last few years.

But, you know, like when I was there, there was nothing fun about it. So when I was hanging out with you, that was fun because, you know, we were connecting and we understood each other and getting some laughs. But for me, a lot of times it was like, well, I've got to, you know, do these things. So I've got to figure out how to do this. So I get invited. And as opposed to, like, say, no, I don't want to do that because I'm afraid or whatever. Yeah.

I'll always say yes. and because of that, a lot of times, a lot of experiences in my life with comedy, it's been difficult because, like, I'm not comfortable. I'm not thinking like, this would be great. We'll go to Ireland and, like, just party and I'm just sort of like,

oh, fuck, man. You know, I hope my jokes work. Like, are they going to like me here? Oh, wow. Like, so. I didn't realize it was that intense for you. Definitely. Wow.

Yeah, it's still. Well, you're lucky you had me then. You're welcome. Totally lucky. Totally lucky. And were you sleeping with Laura Kightlinger the whole time? No. I just threw that in to see what you'd say.

Definitely not. I've known her for a long time. She's very funny. Oh, she's brilliant. Totally. She was kind of one of the original sort of Gen X. Like, she kind of came out with the hard edge. She preceded Sarah Silverman, Janine Garofalo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. If you could watch old Laura Kightlinger, I think she was a very big influence on Janine. Oh, totally. female comics that came after her. Totally. And I think people don't really know her. Yeah.

And I'm telling you, she was, she was, oh my God. She was the tip of the spear for that kind of style and edgy female comedy. Great joke writer. So, so funny. Yeah. Great joke writer. And her topics were really edgy and you didn't see them coming. But they were all tight jokes.

Oh, yeah. She was great. And she had the attitude. Yeah. Totally. She was fantastic. Totally. I'm speaking of art.

Are you an art connoisseur? guy? Like, do you like classical art, traditional? Classical? Yeah, like, are you an art like guy? Are you just more entertainment? Oh, no, no. Like, I, you know, I do focus on art sometimes, but not classical per se. There's some modern artists that I enjoy. I dated a painter for a while who was an abstract painter and it was kind of great. What did she paint? She's got her own thing. Acrylic, oil? Oh, it's acrylic, I believe, not oil. Big canvases, a lot of color. She was great. She had a friend, what was her name?

Rima Gulam, who I bought a huge painting from. And it's an abstract, you know, kind of a purply thing. It's right in my doorway. A purpley thing. Yeah, it's great. And I like going, yeah, I used to go to a lot more museums, you know, when I go on the road and stuff. But I do spend time with art if I can. Hey, gang, you want to get your hands on some of my merchandise?

Well, check out hardblane. where I draw my own merchandise. That's right. I hand draw directly on the t-shirts with colored sharpies. You can own one of my original pieces of art. I call it wearable art at harbling.com. And if the originals are sold out, you can buy a print at harbling.com. I saw a view.

There's a lot of sculpture around L.A. And down by Park LaBrea, they did it. There's a new sculpture. It's an homage to the great pioneers that crossed the great plains. You know, they came across the Dahmer Party and all that. And it's this sculpture in the park of like, you know, the grizzled pioneers. Eating other ones? Yeah, no, the Dahmer one?

Yeah, the Dahmer party. And they've got the hat, the old hats and the beards. And they're over in the park and they're all huddled around a bonfire. Yeah. And I was over there the other day. got my iPhone. I got to take a picture of this beautiful sculpture. Sure.

And I got closer and it was nine homeless guys eating a raccoon. Wait, what are you doing? That was a bet. I'm just looking at the camera. Wait. What are you doing? I was reacting to your bit. I kind of saw it coming about halfway through.

You did? Yeah. So I imagine you thought those guys were from like around 1862. Two? No, I should have said they were eating rolling. Royal Caribbean Indian food instead of a raccoon. Yeah, it was a fine bit. You know, you started with art, you know, you got me going,

and then he kind of took a left turn with it. Have you ever been punched in the face? Do. Would you just do it? Just do it. Do what? Punch you in the face? Never!

Just do it. I can't because you're wearing glasses. You want to be punched. Have you ever? No. Wow. Have you? I was recently.

Recently? It was about three weeks ago. No, stop it. Yeah. Who the fuck's going to punch you? My neighbor. It's not true. Can I tell you?

I guess. It's a quick story. Is it better than the prospectors in the park? I hope so. You already know it's a vet, right? He's a son of a bit. What is it my turn to shine? You're shining now.

What? Who's going to punch you in the face? So let me tell you the bit. The story. Yeah. I was laying in bed. It was hot summer night about three weeks. You could hear the cicadas in the trees.

What is I called the nature's smoke detectors? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They had them in New Mexico. And the little shells on the trees. Yeah.

They leave their... Yeah, yeah. So I'm laying there, and I hear the cicadas, but then all of a sudden I hear this other kind of noise, like an electronic surge. Like... Big cicada. Yeah.

And I get up. go outside and I go to my neighbor's yard. Yeah. And he's got one of these purple bug lights. Oh yeah. You know, the bugs fly into it. Killing the cicadas. And I'm thinking, what's the, what's with the loud?

And then all of a sudden out of the shadows, I see my son, he's nine years old. He's wearing yellow leotards and a tinkerbell costume. And he starts jumping into the bug light. Yeah. Your son does. My son, he's dressed as Tinkerbell. The neighbor hears it comes down. He goes, what the hell's going on?

on. He goes, I can't believe it. My son's gay. Look at him. He's dressed like Tinkerbell. Yeah. And he goes, that's not your son. And I go, what do you mean? He goes, you don't have a son. Yeah. And I went, oh, yeah, I don't. And he goes, that's my son. And I said, well, I hate to tell you, but he's gay. Yeah. And he punched me in the face. And that's the bit. How's that work on the road, all right? Huh? Does that work on the road? Because you probably dropped that in between crowd work and like just evolved into that bit, right? Have you done it a few times? I guess instead of analyzing it, I'd love to know how much you love it on a scale. How does the prospector bit work on the road? I'm just curious. I need to. You can sell that shit. As a friend. We've had a very intimate conversation.

It's hard to sell it to me. As a friend, I'd like to know out of 10. That bit? Well, yeah. I think you put the work in. You got cicadas in there? I know the answer. You've got a I already know the answer. No, for a Harlan bit? Yeah. I'll give it, I'll give it an 8. An 8? For a Harlan bit.

I thought it was going to be a 2. No. A1 was a 2 because it was a prop on top of everything else. Oh, yeah. But no, I'll let, I'll give high scores to the prospector bit and to the, the, the gay kid bit. Thank you. Yeah. Was it visually funny to picture a boy dressed in a tinkerbell costume jumping into a

a bug, like, I don't see you laughing or smiling, like, isn't that even, I was taking it in? visually, isn't it at least a funny visual? Sure, sure. Inside of you, is there any merriment or no? Is it just dead, like a stump in a swamp? I was picturing the story,

you know, knowing that, you know, I didn't know exactly where it was going. But I don't see any laughter coming out. Well, the laughter comes when, because I'm reacting that way. See, I'm doing something different. Yeah. Like I'm doing the non-reacting thing, and then I watch you get all excited and laugh because I'm not laughing,

and that makes me laugh a little bit. That makes me happy. Okay. So you like, you don't like the bit, but you, the humor comes when you watch me twist. I told you. I like to twist. I like to watch you twist. Okay, okay. But that's not part of your act. Twisting. For me, it's your whole act. Yeah, it is. It is. We're winding down, buddy. Yeah. And, you know, one that, I love about you, you're very opinionated, your act is really point of view driven. Is it? It is. You, you pick hard topics and you drill down into them like your father. Yeah. And sometimes you kind of have this sarcastic look at the world, that's society. Yeah. I'm just interested as they are. I think it's cynical. I don't know if it's sarcastic. Maybe cynical.

Yeah. What is, if you want to say to the world right now, what is the stupid thing that society is doing right? now. If you can just look in the camera and go, you, people are so stupid the world. Like, what are they doing? What's the thing right now that you think is just like, idiots? They're doing nothing. Well, explain. That's it. What do you mean? We're faced with some pretty challenging stuff. Yeah. And it doesn't matter what your opinion is of, you know, politics or anything else. Yeah. after a certain point when the reality of things that are, you know,

existentially dangerous to all people is so apparent, you would hope that people would figure out a way to come together and mitigate that. Okay. But you think people are just stuck in neutral? They're paralyzed by... Distraction. Yeah. And by, you know, petty stuff.

So as a guy who's come to that conclusion, what do you do personally to create momentum? I talk about it on stage. Yeah. I try to, you know, make the people that, you know, feel, you know, put upon by, you know, very real challenges in light of what's happening in the world. You know, find a little space for some laughter and for some, you know, self-identification. you know, a little bit of a relief, you know, because there's a lot of people that, you know, are in a lot of despair and hopelessness and anger. And, you know, I do have a personal political point of view. I believe in democracy. I believe in tolerance. I believe in, you know,

the idea that everyone should be paid a fair living wage. I believe in the idea that there should be a functional and terrific education system. I believe that there should be some form of health care available to all people. Those are things that I believe in. And so, and that's a political position. Yeah.

So, you know, seeing all that stuff... It's funny you use the word political. I use the term social position. Sure. But in the world we live in, if you are a fan of democracy and the idea of liberal democracy, monocracy, which doesn't mean liberal per se left, but just the idea that all people should

be treated equally and with some respect and all that stuff, that it is political now. And the idea that there's a lot of, there's an opposing sort of point of view to that that I think is a little, it's not complicated, but it's convoluted in how people tend to really latch on to simplistic, you know, bizarreo issues. And I think that the bigger problem, is, is, you know, not important. And I think that the people, a lot of people just get distracted by, you know, the phone and just by the fact that they feel like they can't do anything or that it's not as bad as it is, and let's just live our lives. But I think ultimately it's, my problem is just that more, that most people do nothing. And it's like, they're free to do that, but it's a problem.

what do you want them to do that you don't see them doing? I mean, you know, you can go out and protest, you could do this and that. Sure. I mean, I guess what do you want to see them do? Well, I guess that, you know, voting would be good, and I'd like to be instilled with the faith that, you know, people still have the ability to sort of care about other people and to have some form of tolerance and to have some form of acceptance and to sort of really weigh out the human cost of the actions that are being taken in a very big way against, you know, people of color, immigrants. immigrants, gay people, all that stuff. Like, it's like, it's, it's sort of like painful. It's just like, let it, just let people fucking be. Do you think there's a world, and I'm just throwing this out here,

do you think there's a world where most people are tolerant and loving and caring? I think so. But we live in a world where maybe propaganda has pushed this narrative that we're not, and it sort of caused people to maybe have this opinion. that everything's not in alignment. Right, but I think that the word convinced is the propaganda is to convince them to be intolerant. It's not to be, well, okay, sure, convince them that they're not. But what you're saying is eventually they aren't because of the propaganda.

They aren't tolerant because they've been taught a certain thing. Maybe that, yeah. So that's different, you know. So, like, yeah, I think there is a world where that you'd like to believe that people are decent. and that people do care about each other, but everyone's become so isolated and so kind of like they found their little groups, they found their little bubbles,

they all have to point of you. And if you're working on just having people emotionally react to very efficient propaganda, they kind of lose that sense of tolerance and of being kind and all that other shit. So the power of it is real, and it's all part of the distraction. And I don't know how we unfuck our brains.

And sure, it happens on both sides to a degree. Of course. But, you know, we've allowed our brains to be pretty fucked. Do you get angry? Mostly by this fucking thing. Yeah, that's the, as it sits here and watches both of us. Yeah. Do you get angry at whatever the, I don't know if they're invisible or they're hiding in plain sight,

the propaganda machine that I think provokes a lot of this stuff? Sure. Do you get mad at that? Do you acknowledge that? Yes. Yes. And it has, yeah. And it's, it's, it's, it's, it's all connected to, you know, social media platforms.

Yeah. Yeah. It's all, it's all a technological mind fuck. And we're just sort of like, I'm not even sure what this phone does completely. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'll tell you what it does. It's fucking taken over your brain.

Like the distributed, the, the, the, the, the delivery system of propaganda is so fucking nuanced and powerful. And it's just coming through here. I don't know what this does. This is a powerful computer, dude. Why do we think our brains can compete with this when we're just sitting there like, but that being said and seeing how impassioned you are, yet you have that on your person 24-7, why isn't a guy like you who recognizes the destructive qualities of that throwing your phone over a cliff?

I know. I talk about on stage a lot. There's an addictive quality to being engaged constantly, especially when you can just scroll through stuff. Most of my reels, I don't get any politics or anything. occasionally I get the debating stuff. Right. But a lot of it is like, you know, music, TV. Like, there is a drug component that, you know, you're getting hit with dopamine.

I do a whole bit about this. So you're saying you can't get rid of that, even if you, it is hard. Yeah. But you seem to be very focused in on that. It's the cancer. Why aren't you throwing it over a cliff? Because it's very hard to exist like that. And also, I enjoy a lot of the things that I get from us.

Oh, okay. And you think you enjoy it. But do you enjoy it? Do you enjoy it? Do we need to be able to contact it everybody in our life immediately? Do we need to see pictures of everybody in our life immediately? Do we need to sit there and watch cats playing drums and large pipes unclogging themselves and people breaking down ancient machinery and cleaning it up to see if it'll work again?

Do we need it? No, but is it satisfying in some way? Wait, wait, wait. Large pipes being clogged? Sure. Talk about that. I do it on stage just a bit. Is that where they find an old drain pipe and they drag it?

a tire through it, then the giant clog of mud comes out. Yeah, it's great. I love it that that's living in your wheelhouse. Yeah, because why is that satisfying? I know it is, right? That's the problem. That's why I can't throw the phone away. Wow.

You know what? You have to like, but I think you do have to try to apply critical thinking to what you're seeing. I'm going to do this for you. I am going to pour A1 sauce on my demon rectum. I'll call it a demon rectangle. Don't do it. Don't do it. No.

No. I'm doing it. This is for you. This is for me and your, our friendship. Look, yeah, look. It's going to smell like that for a long time.

I'm a-warning. I'm a-wonding. Stop it. You're going to regret. This is the evil. No, I'm doing this for you. I'm a-waning the evil, buddy.

This is a testament to our. No, you're a-Iing it. I'm a-Iing it. That's for you. Oh, my God. Thank you. Do you mean it? Yeah.

You're welcome. That was a bold move. And it was probably the best bit that you've done. And I think that you're going to regret it. I already regret it. I do regret it. If your charger doesn't work after this fucking spectacle, you're, like, I, thanks, man. That means a lot.

You're welcome. Have you ever eaten an iPhone? Because we can barbecue that after we. Shut the cameras off. Let's try. All right, buddy, final segment, folks. What a treat having more. With words from a wooden shoe, that's how.

This is our final segment. Now it's all going to smell like this. All right, go ahead. Yeah, doesn't it smell? It's going to add a new demand because it's got a tang to it. Like, it's got a tang. You're going to be talking about it for the next nine episodes because you're not going to be able to get that smell out of here.

Yeah, it's got a bite. This is like the skunk of seasoning. You really committed to that thing. Yeah, but I did it for you. I appreciate it. I didn't do it for me. I mean, look, I got sandblasted for the pioneer raccoon bat. You did not get sandblasted.

I got verbally raped for the tinkerbell thing. Not at all. I had to dig deep and find something that made Daddy happy. And you love this. This one out of ten, what are we getting? I got to give it a ten for commitment. But the other two got eights. I think you're revising history.

I don't care if they got AIDS or they didn't get AIDS. Eights. Eight. Oh, I'm sorry. Amber, you're going to have to go to the Apple Store. about two hours. They're going to go, what happened? It's hard to explain.

Yeah, that's really not. It was for Mark. But the guy, I worked with, just covered his phone in A1 sauce. No, he just covered his phone as in AI. Okay. What do we do? So you pull a word out of the shoe,

or words, random words on a piece of paper, and see if it triggers a story from your Mark, Mark Merrin's fabulous journey. Okay. It's just kind of a... Do they all say this?

What? One night stand? No. Is that what you got? Yeah. Great. Let's hear it, buddy. What do we got?

We sort of touched on one of them. Yeah. But let's hear, you know, whatever you want. One night stand. That's a good one. It is a good one. And just the fact that you're taking your time

tells me there's been a lot of them. Yeah. A lot. Like probably over five dozen. I don't know. Yeah, I'm old man. I'll talk about this on stage too. We want the stuff you don't talk about on stage.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of like a good story. Take your time. One night stand. Well, let's just say in a general way that it's not a great idea. A one-night stand?

Yeah. Explain, please. Because, you know, as you get older, you realize, like, what do you want out of life, you know, in terms of relationship? You know, like, there's a, when you're on the road,

you know, especially if you spend enough time on the road, you know, you have these experiences. And, you know, and people want to do. that. You know, but you still have to be like, you know, there's the, you know, leading up to it, and then there's after, and if it didn't, you know, go as well as you wanted it to, and, and you want to be, you know, a decent person, which I believe I am, you know, it's like, it's awkward because you have connected in a very intimate way without knowing somebody

that well. Well, this is a sweeping TED talk about one-night stance. Sure. We want to know about one of yours in particular. I know. I'm just trying to think of, like, is a, you know, a, you know, a, you know, a good story there. Oh, if you've had six dozen, there's gotta be one. I mean, Duran Duran one song, Some people call it a one-night stand.

Oh, you could call it paradise. Neen-neal-le-ne-le-ne-le-ne. Save a prayer for the morning after. I met a woman. Here we go. I had to singing out of them, gang. It was, you know, well, it was kind of, one night stand, but it sort of started on, you know, emails, you know, and I, and I met her,

you know, she was going to be at this comedy festival I was playing at. Okay. And, um, and when I got there and I met her, I walked into her hotel room. It was during the day. And it looked like she had been there for a month. She had like, there was clothing everywhere and in, no, I don't know if it's a swab, but I'm like, you just got here. Like, how is this even possible? So I found that kind of charming. Maybe you weren't the first one-night stand. It doesn't matter. So like it was just one of these things where I started to find this kind of like kookiness endearing. So that one-night stand turned into quite a lengthy relationship. It did? It did. Well, that's the, then there's the beauty of a one-night stand. Okay. Romance doesn't know any boundaries. You never know where passion will lead you. Right.

So good for you, buddy. Put some A1 steak sauce honor and call it a relationship. Okay. Buddy, before we go, I know, it looks like cow manure. I have a slightly diswrought cow. Yeah. Please, folks, Mark Maren was here, gang. Unbelievable. Will you please plug your tour dates, your books, your podcasts, or anything you want to get out there, buddy.

Let them hear it. Social media, everything. Oh, okay. I'm Mark Maren. At Mark Maren. on Instagram and there's a lot of clips and things. The new season of Stick will be premiering in November. Dogs love that show, by the way.

Yes, they go after it. Yeah. It's a golf show with Owen Wilson. We had a good time making that. Tour dates. Let's see. It's hard to concentrate with that stink, right? It's just like...

It's hard to... You've nailed that. Please keep going. You can go to WTFPod. dot com slash tour for the dates i'll be i don't know when this is going up so you know go there yeah i've got a lot of dates coming up i'm shooting an hbo special in san francisco in in december at the castro oh wow i don't know how many tickets are left for that but yeah that's what's going on and you can always see me at the comedy store with harlan and just as uh you can say yeah your name but any

openings for a one-night stand in your world or no not right now i'm i'm i'm pulling back from all of Okay. I'm going to seek some sense of who I am emotionally and what I want. Well, Mark, it's been a pleasure, and I want to say this sincerely. I'm wishing the best for your dad and for your mom. I know that's a tough thing to be going through. And thank you for sharing. I bet that's healing for some of our watchers here today.

Yeah. But it's just good to have you here, man. Good to see you. And if you want to, you know, tonight, if you want me to phone you, and kind of rehash a couple of the bits that you loved. Sure, sure. I can redo them on the phone with the... Oh, that'd be great.

And maybe when I see it at the store, I'll be like, just do that, you know, the prospect, the raccoon bit. It's funny. The tinkerbell bit, too. But not both at the same time. Let's spread it out. Yeah, okay.

Folks, Mark Meran, that's all we have time here for today on the Holland Highway podcast. Until next time, chicken chow main, baby. And don't forget the A1 sauce on your AI. Oof. Did you just wharf? I went oof.

Because you're a cat guy, you shouldn't be going to wharf. I think it was an oof. Okay. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss.

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