The Harland Highway - MARK NORMAND- Comedian, Actor, gator eater and cougar cub! #109

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Mark Normand joins the Harland Highway and talks hecklers, Norm Mcdonald, and losing his virginity to a cougar! Catch Harland LIVE at his upcoming comedy shows:  SHOWTIME COMEDY CLUB- ONTARIO, CANADA - MAY 24 - 25 WISEGUYS - LAS VEGAS - JUNE 7 - 8 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

But we would play tennis, and he wasn't that good. I'm listening. Wow. Sorry. What flavor is that? That was black in underwear. Wow, dude. Yeah.

Wow. Yikes. What a pitch. I noticed my sound monitor is kind of a woo-woo-hoo-hoo. Wow. Do you need some wipes? Do you need some kimbi wipes? I might need a wipe, yeah.

A sponge cake or something? I need one of those hobos to squeegee in my asshole. I'll give him a buck. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. I should warn you, I'm wildly hung over. Oh, good.

I stayed at the store at 5.30 last night. No way. So I might have to wear the shades because I'm hurting. Oh, really? Yeah, any kind of light is burning in my brain. Oh, wow. They look kind of cool, though. Well, I'll be all right.

You ever see that Mad magazine Spy versus Spy? Love Spy versus Spy. You look like the black one. Oh, yeah. But you're white, which is weird. Yeah, well, maybe it'll help me get work. Everything I pitched, like, could, I like the show, but could you be black? Yeah, right.

Oh, man, I'll do a reverse Dolazol. Do you wish you were black? You've got a black name. Do I? No, I just wanted to see what you'd say. Tyrone, Leroy. I don't think so. Yeah, Mark, Mark Norman.

That's a really honky, boring, quefy name there. I like Norman, though. Oh, yeah, okay. It reminds me of, and you probably heard this a million times, Norman, come and you from mommy, you know, and psycho, Norman Bates. Oh, Norman Bates. And his mother, who was a corpse in a wheelchair,

and I guess in essence was him, right? Yes, that's right. But he'd do her voice and go, Norman, bring me my milk and cookies, Norman. and then when you had a D on yours. You got that right. And so you're like psychoid. Ooh, psychoid. Norman.

So now whenever you say your name, you can pitch yourself as an old lady in a dress of the wrinkled face. If you want, I'm just offering stuff, guy. I don't think I will, but I like where your head's at. You like that I offer stuff? Sure. And I like that you wear your own merch.

That's cool, too. That's what is that? A 40-year-old shirt you got there? No. Look how young and cute you were. What happened? happened? Here's what happened, right? They did a sequel to Half Baked and it just came out. Is it just called Full Baked? It's called, what is it called? I think it's called Half Baked 2 or something

really original. And so this company, um, pleasures or whatever it's called, they sent me a shirt, a free shirt because I guess they're part of the, the reboot of Half Baked. And so I just did a cameo in movie. Yeah, I remember. That was a great cameo with the horse. No,

that's the original movie. Oh, sorry. The new one, you're in a cameo. The new one on my cameo. Wait a minute. The first one is one of the stars. Oh,

that's right. That's right. I just got reduced to a cameo. You really are hungover. I'm dying, man. I had it on VHS, but it's funny how much has changed.

Like Dave Chappelle's in the trans. Jim Brewer went cueing on. The other guy died, and you're out of the business. So, pretty wonderful. Wow. Tick, tack, dough. I just got doughed, bro.

Doremy. What do, oh, do you love Julia and Julie Andrews from the Sound of Music? Yeah, and Mary Poppins. Yeah, because I heard you say Doe Ramee, and she sang that. That's right. A weird movie about Nazis. Yeah. It was like a weird musical involving Jew killers. And children.

Yeah, right. Children in a glee club and Nazis. Nazi death squads. Right. You don't get that combo anymore, do you? No, a lot of range. God. Yeah, well, I tell you with Gaza around, I think the Nazis are kind of off the hook.

Oh, yeah. Holy shit. You're right. Not off the hook, but, you know, we're talking about they're the new Jew haters. You mean like off the hook or they're off the hook? Right, right. Well, they are off the hook. They do what they want.

They're fucking wild. I hear Gaza and I just think of like, I think of someone with a big bandaid on, you know? Oh, like, Gauss. Yeah. Ah, you did the ah at the end. You went gauze and then ah. Gaza. Yeah, you did.

You just, you do humor. Just, you don't even know you're doing it. I don't. That's when you know your funny wild fingers. Old wild fingers over here. That's what my wife called me. Really? No, she's dead.

But, uh, maybe crab fingers now that she's dead. Do you ever see those guys with the weird crab hands? Oh, wow. The philidomide children, you mean? From the 60s? I didn't know they had a name. The flamidohide kids. Flamidohydide.

When the birth control pill... That sounds like a drug. Yeah, when the birth control pill came out, I think it was called philidomide. Oh. And the first women that took the birth control pills, it went off the rails because it'd never been done before, and the kids came out with crab pickers.

Whoa. Like kids came out with nublins. with, they looked like ginger root babies. Right. And I'm not being mean, but this is what they look like. Like they were like children of the corn ran into, you know, Orville Redenbockers lawnmower or something, you know? Right, right.

You never saw the flamidamides or whatever? I've seen it, but I didn't know it was a birth control thing. Yeah, it came from because they didn't really have the recipe down yet, bro. Oh, that's crazy. So in the 60s, the early 60s, the flamidides came out and the children had like crab picker claws. Yeah. And their feet.

too some of them their feet would be crab pickers wow it's weird how it went to the phalanges you know the what the phalanges that's what you call your extremities oh those are also my italian neighbors just down the road they make a great lasagna do you know anyone with crab prickers or ginger roots i wish i know a couple of midgets and they got the puffy hands you ever see that they're all squishy i want to i want to squeeze them the puffy hand yeah they're like squishy and soft and kind of like cushioned almost.

Like they're padded. They're padded. Like a panda bear. Paddington bear. Yeah. Wow. Have you ever got a full body massage from one of them?

No, it would take too long. Just a forearm would take an hour for them. There's so little. They could walk on you though. Maybe that would work. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, we had Brad Williams on my pod the other day and shook his hand. I remember being like, oh yeah, look at that. It's old pillow hand. It was puffy?

It was puffy. buff daddy he diddy be diddle wow bro sefayosh so tell me you got the glass osios on oh yeah your eyes are probably

you probably look like kujo's made right now under there like another timely reference can we have a peek like oh sure I can take them off I mean wow yeah I'm hurting I'm hurting oh yeah you don't have to keep them off

I just wanted to just a peek so I could see because like I might I don't know what your fans are like on your podcast, but mine are very curious. I see. Sexually, like by Curious George, down in Cleveland. There's Sarah Silver Teeth over in Detroit and Carl Crunch Clit down in Denver.

Boy, when you slide into being senile, that's going to be interesting. It won't be much of a change, I think. Carl Cahua, what a silver teeth, huh? Dude, you can wear them if you want. Yeah, it's totally up to you. I just thought it might be interesting to see what it looked like to have a raging hangover because some people don't ever get them. Do you drink anymore?

I never was a huge drinker, but I have like a few times, and I've probably been hung over a few times in my life, but probably could count on one hand. Yeah. But you... Not a lobster hand. Not a crab claw, yeah. It's only three times.

Yeah. Well, yeah, I drink too much. I got a bit of a problem, but it's the fest. There's a buzzer. in the air, the roast was last night, we're at the store. I mean, drinks are flowing. They got that new bar there now. What?

I wish I knew I would have come over. Come by, we'll be there tonight as well. Are you really? Yeah, we'd love to have you. I'll put a word in. At the store? I'll get you in at the store? Oh, angel feathers.

Tender angel feathers. That's my gardener. You know, angel feathers? Oh, yeah, the gardener? Yeah, yeah, angel. Oh, God, he's got the biggest bulbs in town. Now, what were your power jacking last night, guy? I went on the vodka train because I was with somebody

and they just got me a vodka and I was like, oh, so then I try to stay on the same alcohol. Oh, for the whole night. Yeah, they say it helps the hang. When you start mixing races, it's over. I mean, drinks. Yeah, it's over, yeah. What they call that like swamp juice or something,

don't they when you mix them? Isn't that what the term is? Oh, I don't know. There's Long Island ice tea, swamp. No, but I heard when you, when you mix any type of drinks, it doesn't, it's not a specific drink, it's when you mix drinks, they all collectively become swamp water or something. You've never heard that term? I've never heard.

I've heard a kamikaze, Bukaki, but never heard of a swamp. And I'm from Louisiana. Oh, I do guarantee. I do. Is there, now, are you a swamp man or a bayou man? I'm a bayou man. Oh, see, because they had a big different there between a swamp and a bayou now, son. Wow, that's a pretty damn.

good Louisiana. Oh, I guarantee. I better play the theme music. Ladies and gentlemen, I do guarantee now you on the Holland Highway podcast. And I usually say it in Cajun, so that was a great segue. Really? Yeah, yeah. The Holland Highway Park is.

And we got Mark Norman here today, gang. Ooh, I guarantee it. Oh, dude, say it. How do you say it? Down by a bayou. Here we are. New Orleans, proud to call it home. Oh, dude.

Yeah. Now, just for clarification, because this is important to me. I don't know if it is to you. Please. For the audience, what is the difference between a swamp and a bayou? Please. Well, a bayou goes both ways. No, a swamp, I think, is a big marshy, kind of watery thing with trees hanging in there and cranes and alligators.

And then a bayou is more of like a stream. Oh, yeah. And the bayou is the cypress tree. Yes. Is that native to the bayou, right? That's a swamp. Oh, that's the swamp. Yeah, I think a bayou is part of the swamp.

It's like a stream that goes in and out of like a bayou runs through a city. But a swamp is like a huge marshland water and life. Have you ever been down on the bayou there, boy, down in the bayou at night with the fireflies floating around and a cicada chirping up in the Salis tree. Many times, many night on the bayou with the gaitas and the crawdads and the scrimps and all that stuff. Do you love the gators or do you prefer the straighters? Well, I don't care for Florida. It's not my team. But yeah, I like a good gator. We eat a blackened alligator. What? Yeah. You've eaten alligator? Oh, yeah. It's on the menu. Where? In New Orleans. Come on. How often do you eat this? What do you have like a?

Thanksgiving alligator? Like, how often would you eat a gator? It's fresh meat that you can get it down there whenever you want. It's pretty good. So how often do you eat a gator? Once a year. So like a Thanksgiving or Christmas gator? Like, is it festive? Instead of a turkey, you stuff a gator? No, it's all gay gator all year round and a cockadile. But yeah, it's always there. I barely know. What? You've eaten a gator? Oh, yeah. It's down there. It's just part of it. We got gator, shrimp, crab, crawfish, you name it. Everyone's got that, but no one ain't got no gator.

We got gator boots, and we got gator luggage. We got gator suits. We got gator meat. Wow, what's it tastes like? And please don't say chicken, swamp chicken. No, it's more kind of gamey. It's like a venison. It tastes like Monopoly? Yeah, it's got a scrabble vibe.

What? No, yes. Oh, that is gamey. It's pretty good. I think you'd enjoy it, but you've got to blacken it. It's the only way. Oh, everything tastes better blackened. Yes, yes.

You love black and catfish? Yeah, sure. God, broken me and you go out for that later, do you think? Let's do it, yeah. I'd love to watch you stuff a blackened catfish in your face. Black and Lives Matter. We're having fun. This is the best day of my life.

It's the best day of your wife. RIP. she'll be missed she got eaten by a gator no yeah blackened or whitened yeah have you ever gone out like caught a gator or do you no i've held a little one that you go to a gator farm and you pay money going to a fan boat and then you see the gators and they're huge they're like eight 12 feet long and then you can hold the little ones because they can't hurt you yet your fans have their own boats what the eff bro you know blackened they're Amistad, but, uh, wait, you held a little gator?

Yeah, you can do it. You can pay a couple bucks to get a photo with it. It's fun. Do you know, I don't know if you know this, but when the, when the gators are born, but most people, my viewers don't know this, yours might, but the gators come from an egg. That's right. The mother makes a giant nest, buries them. Yes.

They incubate. Yes. And the little critters come out of eggs, much like prehistoric dinosaurs. Yes. And then you tell me if this. is accurate or not, but you know where I'm ready? Incubates Motel. Oh, sorry.

Whoa, that's good. Man. Tell them what it is. That's a little gator. That's a baby gator. Please elaborate for my guest. They're little and they make a weird chirping noise because they want their mom. Hey, everybody.

Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be. better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50%. 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland. So you get your discount and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Please tell.

How do you know about the gator noise? This is incredible. Please tell them more about gators and babies. Yeah, you're right. They're making that weird little noise and they're cute as hell. But then when they get older, they're mean cunts. Sorry for the language. No, they like it.

They like it. Yeah, they're the closest thing to dinosaurs. We got that in the Komodo drag. Oh, I've been to Komoto Island. Really? Yeah. Oh, they are like that. So when you land a Komoto Island.

I've been Epstein's. Oh, wow. We'll talk about that later. Yeah, that sounds even better. Wow. Good God. Oh, yeah. Wait, so, yeah, the Komoto Island when you land,

I think there's four Komoto islands and you're only allowed on two of them. And when you land on the boat, they've actually, this is no lie, they've built this giant. archway so it looks like you're you're entering Jurassic Park. Yeah. And you walk in and it's tropical right away. So I was there and I wasn't in there about like five minutes and all of a sudden like up over the hill, the guide goes, look, and we turn around like a 15 foot long lizard just comes lumbering over there.

Their tongues are coming out. Dude, terrifying. And they can run. They can catch a human and they can eat a human. But it was the most prehistoric experience. Like it just, they kind of got these inverted, almost like philidomide hands. Yeah. And they walk like this.

And this thing was just like lumbering down the hill. Matt, like imagine a lizard you've seen at a zoo. Sure. You're all this big, this big. These things are longer than your sister's canoe. A man in the boat. Wow. But yeah, and you want to have a fun night at home alone.

Put Komoto Dragon fighting on YouTube. They fight each other. They get up on the back. back legs and hit the tail and they go nuts. It's wild. They hiss. They hiss and they pop a wheelie. They get up and they just, they like almost like sumo wrestlers.

Sumo. Well, I'm straight, but thanks. No summo. God. Homophobe. Yeah, no, but they're pretty wild. I mean, it's a, I'd like to ride one, but that's, dude, no, you don't. Because what they have, they have a toxic saliva, right?

Whoa. So they have, here's how they kill. how they hunt. You think, well, how does a giant lumbering lizard hunt the native deer and the wild pigs and the things. So what they do is they sort of nonchalantly kind of amble

up while the hoofed mammals are eating. Right. And they'll just bite them on the leg. Oh. And you think, oh, nothing. No big deal, right? Sure. This toxin in their saliva is a poison and it slowly starts to

disable. And what they do is, one once they bite them, they'll follow this like a large water buffalo for about six days and eventually gets to the point where it just can't stand, plop, and then like 12 of them come in and just rip it apart alive. Oh, man. They're savage. Wow. That's wild.

How do you know so much about the Camo? I know a lot about everything. I'm one of those guys. Okay. If you threw a topic at me, I'd probably have so many facts for you. I'd go down to 7-Eleven and throw your eyelids at a Chinese boy. They could use some eye, but let me, let me throw a random, rando at you. You've got some knowledge on this puppy.

That's blowing my tits off right there that you know what a baby gator sounds like. Yeah. How about the Big Dipper? Okay, so the Big Dipper is a constellation in the fourth quadrister of the Sky. Jesus Christ. Why are you divorced? Well, I'm divorced. This is cool.

You're like a magic eight ball. Yeah, yeah. And it's... That's what killed... Never mind. Who did they kill? Well, I was doing a cocaine joke. Oh, was that who killed what killed Balooche?

There you go, the magic eight ball. Was that who killed what killed Balusia? He did a speedball, I believe, which is coke and heroin. So he died from a lottery ticket? Wow. That speedball will get you every... time. I know.

Did he win at least or did he at least finish scratching it before he passed? No, I think he didn't win. Somebody got that. Maybe Jim, I think Jim got the cash. Jim Morrison? Jim Belushi. Oh,

yeah. According to him. Yeah. Dude, I hate, I feel bad that we went off on all this reptilian talk, but it fascinates me. Yeah, no. Reptiles are the best. Oh, God.

Do you ever have a reptile dysfunction at night? And you ever? But, well, that's something virgin. out there really loving the snake talk he's feeding a mouse right now and uh really wait didn't you do that in road trip what was that you yeah that was my bit no that was tom green oh fuck my ass sorry sorry shit i stink see i'll be opposite to you i got no knowledge i don't know anything come on now i got nothing uh let me throw a topic of you lay it on me fatty uh i mean uh hit me okay okay okay how

How about... Hardy Har, Harlan. How about the tigers of the Indian jungles? Whoa. Anything there? Well, that's the weird thing. We've got tigers. You talk about black and alligator.

They got white tiger. Oh, yeah, that's right. They're very rare. Yeah. But they're always on time. And, yeah, I don't know much about the Indian tigers are different than the African tigers, which are different than the Japanese tigers. And then it's the LSU Tigers.

Yeah, right, right. Detroit as well. Wow. So, yeah, I like a cougar myself. You do? How old? I lost my Virginia to a 55-year-old. No way.

I was 16. What senior's home was it? Well, she died during COVID. Wow. Yeah, yeah. So this was two years ago? Wow. How old are you, Billy?

No, I was 16, so apparently I'm a survivor. That's what people will tell me, but it was the best night of my life. The best night of your life. How old were you? Right now? No, when you got scored. 16. Six.

Yeah, she was a reptile. Holy shit. She had some leathery skin. You were a rectile. Yeah, I was. I was. Really? She had leathery, like that Australian been out in the sun too long skin?

Yes, yes. Like an old catcher's mitt. You had that weird neck flab. Oh, no. Something to grab onto while she's riding you though. Yes, gobble, gobble. Holy dimlet. Wait, so I want to hear, see, I love that.

I want to hear the story of this seduction. How did this all transpire that a 16-year-old Jimmy Johns gets rolled through the oats by Granny Grumble Lips? Well, I met this old bag on Bourbon Street, and it was Y2K. Oh, so she had loom? Wow. Your first one and you got paid. Wait. That woo felt, sounded like you actually fell off of a roller coaster.

Woo! So wait, what the hell was? Yeah, tell me the story. This is I love, this our fans are going to love this. Yeah, you had me pegged all wrong. No, she did. Peg Bundy, but Pegg Bumpty. Peg Bumpy.

She had herpes. but I was it was Y2K so it was 1999 it was the day before Y2K so it was a buzz in the air and I was on Bourbon Tree with a couple friends

she was on a balcony flashing everybody and she had her old weird tits and I looked up and I said hey lady and she I think she had a thing for young guys yeah obviously

yeah she came down and I said I don't want to go into 2000 a virgin she said well I won't let you and that was it and what you went up where'd you do it Well, that's the weird part.

We went up to our hotel room in the Ramada Hotel Room 239. I'll never forget. Wow. She opened the door and there's an old guy with a white beard and a Harley Davidson hat and a leather jacket sitting in a chair staring at the door. So I was like, oh, I'm going to die. This is it. He was in the room. I think it was her pimp or husband or something.

Whoa. Yeah. Wait. So he was there when the deed happened? Well, he went, I had two friends with me. He took them out on the balcony, closed the doors, and they had a couple of beers out there. Well, I plowed his old wife. Really?

Oh, yeah. I mean, old yeller. She gave her a screamer. Yeah, I gave her rabies. Wait a minute. So was there any, like, form of seduction or foreplay or did she just kind of go, let's go? Was it like just aggressive immediately? Or was there any sort of like, whoops, Billy, I spilled some grape juice on your pants.

Let me rub that off for you. Like, was there any type of penthouse forum opening? It was more of a rape juice, but... Good God, Garfield. Speaking of lasagna. I hate Mondays, but a great president, too. Yeah. But, yeah, so I was in the room, and I was so nervous.

I had a jacket on, a sweater, a button-down jeans, and she goes, why don't you get more comfortable? So I took off the jacket. Yeah, yeah. And then she goes, how do you want to do this? And I didn't know anything. So I go, well, I'll take a blow job first because, you know, I've seen movies. Yeah, yeah.

And she goes, I don't give blow jobs. and I was like, you bang kids off the street but you don't get blowjob? And she was like, you want to do this or not? I was like, all right, sorry. She got aggressive? Yeah, so I was blowing it immediately. You were blowing her?

No, I was ruining the night. Oh, you were stepping on her, like, technique or whatever? Yeah, I guess so. Okay, so did it, what happened from there? So then she said, you have a condom? I said, sure, like every 16-year-old, I had a condom in my wallet from, like, the Reagan era. You're 16 and you owned a condo? Oh, yeah.

Dude, why yard you need her? Go back to your own place. That's a good point. Sorry, I stepped on that one with a bad condo joke. I like it. I like it. I always put condiments on my hot dog. But, yeah, so then we, she saw my condom, she said, get that out of here.

She opened a drawer. She had lube, condoms, butt plugs, dildos, vibrators, whips. I was like, oh, boy, I'm in for it here. What? Over my head. As a first timer, because you lost your virginity to this one, right? weren't you kind of intimidated and scared by she had a toolbox of treasures that's what I called her puss but uh it was terrified yeah I was freaking out but I was like hey you know this is pre-internet you just live damn it yeah so I just went I flew by the seat of my foreskin and uh wow she put a condom on me and yeah that that was that was that last and how long did it last it a while because I was a young whippersnapper and uh that's what I called her clam and And, uh, snapper.

And she, yeah, I think she had the husband or he can't get it up. He was old. And I think she wanted a young buck to really, you know, have some stamina. So how long is how long? Like you said a while, what was it like 20 minutes, an hour? I'd say it was an hour, but it was off and on. It was all, you know, we'd bang, then we'd rest. And then we'd talk about, she was in the, uh, the Civil War, you know,

she was talking about the old days and then went back at it. Wow, bro. Pretty cool. That's amazing. And did your buddies out on the balcony get a crack at it, or was it just you? Well, right after I finished, I felt this wave of shame. Like, what am I doing? I'm a weird hooker lady.

She's old. Yeah. I'm a child. I have a boner. And I open the doors to the balcony. And my friends fall in because they're shit-faced now because he's getting drunk out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a cooler on the balcony.

And they go, I got sloppy sick. And then I pulled them all out. I was like, we got to get out of here. You were like, this is my girl. Screw you. You guys, fuck off. You're not touching my girl. No, good song.

But, yeah. So, yeah, we got the hell out of there. But I was the king of high school for a week. You told everyone? Oh, what are you kidding? I was Ferris Bueller. I thought you just said you felt shame. I did, but, you know, the next day, once people start gassing you up, they're like, hey, that was killer.

You banged that old broad. Wow. Oh, yeah. So you were like the guy on campus that pegged old women. Well, no pegging. Well, I mean, like the nailed, like, I meant like, oh, plowed. Yeah, plowed, power slam. Yeah, so undergreased.

I got a thing for milfs. Are you cereal? Oh, yeah, I love cereal. Wow. Snap crackle and peg. Peg. Spackle, peg. Go watch Unfrosted.

Wow. It's a cereal movie. Wow, dude, that's quite the story. Oh, yes. Is that the way you wanted to lose your virginity, or did you, in your sort of adolescent and prepubescent mind where you did did you have a scenario you're like oh i'll meet this great girl in my high school and and we'll go we'll go camping or we'll be making out in the back of my parents car did you kind of have a a vision of what losing your virginia would be or was this what you wanted

do you think i assumed it would be a girlfriend but i was a dweeby kook in high school i was a little skateboard rat you know i i couldn't i couldn't talk to women i was nervous so i of course i I didn't expect this, but I, you know, once you got that hand, you got to, you got to play. Yeah. But you, you didn't have a vision of, of it being something more traditional. You just, you were like, whenever it happens, it'll happen. I don't know what, where, when, or how. Yes.

But I bet you didn't think it would be an older woman. Definitely not, but it was all great. And I wish she was still alive. Oh, did you go to her funeral? No, well, she was buried at sea. Oh, my God. Yeah. She was buried at seam in the way you went out.

Wow. From the river to the sea. Wait, why was she buried at sea? Wow. You know, she was ashy. Wow. Yeah, she was a sea word. Caesar salad.

Dude, I love it. C-section. Yeah, good times. So, hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters. or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly.

Guess what? I draw my own designs at hardbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it.

It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. You get out of Cajun Town, right? Oh, yeah. And you go to the big apple. Yes, sir. You leave the blackened gator and go to the juicy apple.

The black and Harlem. Yeah. And do you love it? Do you love New York? Is that a tough transition for Papa don't preach? I'm keeping the baby? Or are you like loving it? I love New York.

I mean, it's got its flaws, the hobos, the stabbings, the guy jerking it on the subway, the Jews, you know, a lot of downsides. But I like it there. I mean, I live in a shoebox with my lady, and I do comedy every night, and I can't complain. Yeah. And have you ever pushed someone into the subway tracks? Be honest. Just be honest for once. I've thought about it. It's right there. It's right there. There's no railing. You can just push a little kid and be over. That's what I call, that's my abortion. Yeah. Well, oh, third rail, Willie over here. Good. What's the worst? And this is an oddball question, but I know there's an answer. Okay. What's the worst piss smell you've encountered in New York? Because we've all got that one like wall of piss stink.

Yes. Is there one that stands out? Yeah, I went to the R. Kelly concert. No, but I was a bedwetter, so I know about urine, baby. You're in luck. Yeah, yeah. Because one time I wet the bed, and as a kid, you have to be really slick and crafty. Yeah.

You wet the bed, you wake up at two in the morning, like, your friends are asleep, you're covered in whiz, and you're going to, like, go to, I learned how to use a washing machine when I was, like, four. Wow. And so one time I got pissed, I pissed myself, I took all my clothes off. stole some of my friends' clothes. I shoved my clothes into a Jansport backpack. Yeah.

I went home, forgot about it. Found the backpack like four months later. I opened it. It was like, oh, what's in this? And it was like,

it was like Hoffa's coffin. I mean, it was just brutal. It was like the Pulp Fiction suitcase. Oh, yeah, that glow coming out of it. Yeah. Oh, God.

Golden shower. And, uh, yeah. Golden Corral. God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just stunk like it just,

almost knocked you over. Yeah, that sour piss had been marinating in the New Orleans heat in a bag sealed up. And I opened it. It was like the arc of doom. What is it? Raiders of the last star. Yeah.

Oh, dude. Another good team. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're good. Oh, God. That's brutal, bro. Yeah, it was wild.

So I've smelled some whiz in my day. I had, I was in San Diego doing a gig. And my worst one is like, I was literally like two and a half. blocks like you know that you see the light you see another light and then you're at the light you're walking down the sidewalk I got about like two and a half blocks and I just you can smell this wall of pee. Yeah. I'm thinking okay it's it's a doorway or some homeless person peed on a wall. Sure. And as I got closer someone was walking towards me and they're kind of shuffling and as they got closer I saw they had rags and stuff and it's sad but it was a homeless person. Yeah. And, and

And dude, they smelled like somebody, if a snowman could be made out of urinal cakes. Whoa. Like this fucker was like the, you know that Michelin Tire guy? Yes, yes. Picture that, but he's made out of urine cakes. And they've been soaking in a fucking hot Louisiana fucking bird bath for about nine years. Peeway Herman. Yeah.

Oh, no. Yeah, dude. It was, it was like really, just like a wall. Yeah. I don't know how this person even lived with them. I know. I think you get used to it, but sometimes you get a hobo stench, and it's almost like, it's like fascinating.

The smell is like interesting. It's so pungent and weird. You can taste it. Well, did you? No, no. I'm, what am I, a Somali? This is a 12-year hobo. No, no, but it was, I've smelled some rough ones in New York.

And out here, you get that sun-baked. Yeah. With the shit and the pits and the cancels. It's almost like a cobbler. Yeah. Yes, yes, beach. It's like a Pepperidge Farm homeless person. Right, right.

I do love those Milanoes. You do? Those oval-shaped cookies. Yeah, pepperidge. This is where I tie. This is where the mastery of my podcast comes into play. I can't wait. And I think you're quick and sharp enough to be able to tie this together.

Oh, God. Here we go. But you said you love the Milano. what are they in the same shape of as something we talked about on this pod already well they're kind of overly it's almost like a bar of soap

what do we talk about you think so you think they shape like a little alligator the eggs the alligator eggs guy are you hung over? Are you hung over? I am yeah oh okay then I'll let it go

damn I'm scrambled Oh, God, I'm going to go to Denny's. Oh, I went to, I've gone to Mel's three times since I've been here. No way. It's right outside my hotel. What do you get? I mix it out. I go, Wayvos Rancheros, I got a waffle, I got a meatloaf, I get a cup of soup, I'll go nuts.

You're at the Andes Hotel? Yeah, room 218, you big whore. I got to tell you a hilarious story that happened. All right. I knew some guys that were in a band. This was in the, like, I think it was in the late. 90s or the early 2000s it could have been happening what room number are you 218 it might have been in that no no i think we are further up okay but we're in the we were in this room parting with this band

at night and the drummer of this band is one of the funniest guys like we're in comedy right we mean funny people here everyone's hilarious this drummer i think to date is one of the funniest guys i've ever met my life like just naturally funny like it's amazing i just sit back and my stomach hurts they just watch this guy right is it goofy funny is it wordplay no it's everything he does physical he's clever wow he'll go into voices he does faces he like it's just the whole package like i and i never said anything to him because it would it would have ruined it i know i never went you should be a comedian you're the fun i just never said a word because you're the fun i just never said a word because I knew he'd be aware of it.

So we're at the Andes Hotel where you're staying. We're in the room parting. We go out on the balcony. Oh, yeah. And for some reason, he's got a caveman wig on. He was just one of these random guys. He'd just put, like, random stuff on. I love him already.

Yeah, right? Tommy Lee? His name was Great Bob Scott. By the way, probably one of the best drummers I've ever seen in my life. Like, unbelievable. I think the Rolling Stones auditioned him once when the other guy died. so we're out on the balcony he's got the caveman wig on and some girls were either up above us or down below and and somehow we talked them into coming down to our room there was about nine eight or nine of us and there was like four of them

down syndrome yeah so but what if they came up though oh yeah ouch upskirt uh yeah what do you do if they come up I don't know, man. Oh, we just blocked ourselves. We both got blocked, bro. Should we have the podcast? No, no, we can do this. Upsie Daisy? Maybe that was her name.

I don't know, but they come up, right? So now that this guy, this drummer, he's just like, like no inhibitions at all, he gets naked within about like a minute and a half, right? Oh, this guy's great. He's sort of a great, great job. He's sort of a great job. great like short shorter guy but it's kind of stocky right he gets on the bed the girls are like already in shock and we're all the other guys are we're just joking and riffing like we're doing here

just having a howl right mm-hmm great bob gets a cigarette right lays down on the band rolls over backwards so his knees are behind his ears and his like packages hanging almost over his mouth. His arsehole is just facing these girls or from Cleveland or whatever. Oh, my God. He gets the cigarette and starts smoking it with his ass. Wow. He's like, he's putting it in his ass and go like this.

He's blowing smoke out of his ass. Dude. Literally. That's like a stevo move or something. Dude, it was just hilarious. These girls are just, I'm sure they're traumatized to this day. Wow, man, I hope they were Virginia Slims. They only get too big of a Marlboro Red eye.

Oh, shit, it was the best. Damn, that's cool. Wow, if he quits, he has to put nicotine gum in his ass. You've got to put a patch over his arsehole. He can't poo for a year. You know, you could die from that. You could die from that. See, here's the thing.

you're one of the master guys that just like, wow. You're the master. Dude, but you, you riff it out and I want to ask you

because this has happened to me, uh, have you ever, because you're, you're quick, like you watch anything on, on YouTube, you're,

you're just like lightning. Oh, you should see me in bed. Whoa, greased lightning. Yeah. Have you ever done a line, like you're at a club or whatever?

Hello, Jerry. And, And as it's coming out, or maybe just after you finish it, and normally you don't care, no apologies. Yeah. But was there ever one where it came out or, and you just went, oh, fuck, no. No, no.

Oh, I shouldn't have. But was there one like in particular where you just went, oh, I shouldn't have done it? Like too offensive? Yeah, like just for you, for you personally or you knew the crowd were going to be. Because normally the crowd goes with you. They appreciate the spontaneity, right? Yeah, yeah. But every now and then you let one out, and even the crowd goes, whoa, asshole.

Like, was there ever one you remembered that just sort of, you went, oh, why did they do it? Because you can't stop it sometimes, right? I know, of course. The faucet is on, but I do it so often. Yeah. I'm just going to tell you about one last night I did. Oh, wow. I did a live podcast at the comedy store.

And there was a Jewish comedian friend of mine. Yeah. And we got into the argument about Jews aren't tough. Oh, wow. And he was like, no, no, Jews can fight. And I was like, wow, not on October 7th. Whoa. And the crowd was like, Jesus, Christ, take it easy or something.

Yeah. That was bad. But once you dig that hole, it's hard to get out of it because they kind of you know, you got to like work your way back out and go, no, I'm a decent human being. I'm just joking. But I've gone too far many times. Did you feel regret saying that line? Or were you just like, you know what?

This is what I do. That's what I do. Sometimes it comes out. I can't stop it. I'm not trying to be malicious. Yeah, of course. It just happened. It just happened.

You know, I mean, that's what happened to Michael Richards. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, he went for it. He just, uh, he fucked up. Well, Michael Richards did this thing where, where he's, I think what we do, what you do as comedians, it's more like just a, it's a trigger thing where it, tell me if this happens you sometimes stuff comes out of your mouth so quickly that after you've done it you go where did

that even come from oh totally like it's sort of amazing isn't it yeah yeah well the brain is being trained to just constantly connect things and pun and wordplay yeah it's insane but i think with michael and i don't want to you know be the spokesperson for the guy but michael richards came from a real traditional improvisation background like second city and the groundlings and stuff like that right and my interpretation of that night and i could be wrong but i feel like when he made those comments which inappropriate or not whatever you think i don't look at them in terms of he he was a racist or a guy who hated black people i looked at it through the prism of he's an improviser someone yelled something at him, a theme, albeit a dark theme, a theme that dealt with a race and a very

sensitive race. And his improvisation mind just said, okay, I'm going to go with it. That's what improvisers do. The first rule of improvisation is don't deny, right? Don't say no. Yeah. And so I, when I watched it, I went, because I know Michael, like, he's not a racist fucking guy. He doesn't just like black people, but somebody threw something at him. He made. He made. He made. He made a comment. It was a little off color, but then someone said something else. And so he just kept going up those stairs or down those stairs. And before you knew it, the audience didn't necessarily understand how improv works. And I just always felt like he went down that road trying to just kind of follow his craft. And I never perceived him as a racist guy. And I don't, I don't know if the

average person can grasp that because it's such a small group of people that that know the art of improvising you know yeah well it's a it's a weird class to teach that yeah he really went went all in he went to the 11 oh he did yeah so that that's a tell but i think you're right and i think he just was he saw red well he saw black but i think he saw red it was just like i'm saying the worst thing i can say right now yeah but i agree i think just because you say something doesn't mean you mean it yeah yeah so i'm with you, but I mean, again, it's on tape, so it's fun. Yeah, I don't know for sure, but just knowing him, working with him, and just the career

the guys had, the working in the entertainment industry, I just, I never took with him being a guy that hates a race of people. No, no. But, but it's sort of, again, only he can know, but that, my interpretation was through, it's weird when you, when you know a craft and you look at something through that prism, it can sort of change the perspective on it. Now, I'm not saying my interpretation is correct or accurate, but that's the way I saw it. Well, it's funny you say that because Chris Rock, a black man said, eh, can't a guy have a bad day?

I think he made a mistake. He fucked up. Yeah. He was mad, and he said crazy shit, and he doesn't think he's a racist either. And Dave Chappelle said, that's what I knew I was 10% black and 90% comedian, because my first thought was, that N-Words having a bad thing. that you know right right yeah such a funny way to put it but uh yeah i think you're right it's just tough when it's on tape we have footage of it you know it's uh it doesn't look good but see you just

said a word too he got mad and that was part in my interpretation of it i didn't even think he got mad i thought he was improvising the anger was part of the act because oh i don't know i think i feel like that's what it was because it just it just didn't seem like Like, that's what I think, but I could be wrong. I don't know, but, and if I am wrong, then I'm not defending it because, you know, no one should be racist or say anything like that. But that's how, kind of the prism I saw it through. Well, let me call him right now.

Yeah, call him up. Yeah, call him. He hates blackened gator, but. Oh, he brings it right back to that delicious. It's because it's delicious. Oh, there it is. That's good. Put your tongue in the top of your mouth and just I can't do it.

No. That's why you're you. Now, well, don't call me Chinese names. Now, is there a couple of examples of like instantaneous like comebacks that you've done that have been like favorites that because you probably do like in a year you're probably to 20,000, but is there any, that just. Just, we went, ooh, that one I really loved. Yeah, well, yeah, thanks. It's so sad that these comebacks, when you nail it, I'd never forget because it means the world, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Because they don't always happen, and when it does happen, you've got to really cherish it. But one time this large black comedian was making fun of me, and I said, you look like NW8 too much, because he was fat and black, and he was kind of hip-hoppy. Yeah. And that killed.

Oh, wow. And then I think I said he looks like Bernie Mac and cheese. Oh, yeah. I had a couple. That was on Kiltone. Was that David Lucas? It was. He just roasted me on, on, uh, on, uh, on Kiltoni like, like, uh, three weeks ago.

That's what he does. Oh, wow. Yeah. So that's fun. And it's fun when, because I think we're so touchy with race and everybody's so squeamish. So when you, I grew up at a predominantly black neighborhood. So we'd all cut up and fuck with each other. Yeah.

And, uh, I think now people are like, hey, easy with the language. whatever, your white guy, but it's fun having a black guy to do it with because it shows it's all fun. It's all fun, yeah. It's all, it's all about intent, right? It's all about intent. A lot of intents in the downtown area. Oh, yeah, those homeless and tents. Oh, man. I call them the motor homeless now because now they've graduated out of tents. Now they're all in Winnebago. They're like the motor homeless. Comotor home. Yeah, that's true. But yeah, Lucas came to me a few weeks ago and, you know, got that kind of hair, the long dreadlocked. Yeah, yeah. And he came at me and he made some comment. And I said, look at your hair, dude. You look like a predator just dropped his kid off at

Jenny Craig. I nailed him. I got him. Well, he's black, so the kid's long gone. But I know that's a great one. I called him Fat Williams. At one point, too, that was fun. So yeah, it's fun. What do you call that? Dirty dozens or what do you call it when you're zinging each other? This should be a word for that. Yeah, hasn't it like, uh, snap? snapping back snap back yeah or doesn't they call them like yo mammas or something like something like that i grew that was in the 90s that was my my whole high school and middle school is yeah yeah it's just fun i did one i had one recently i was doing a show and some lady i go what do you do ma'am she goes oh i'm a radiologist and i said oh i am or fm yeah that was a goody that's a beauty i like the ones when you ever drop one and it just

keeps rolling yeah like like it's like you go oh you know in your head you know, oh, that was a good one. Yeah. But then the audience, they just can't stop laughing because it's so quick. It's so instantaneous, but it really worked. Yes. I had one, this one's kind of mean, but I was getting heckled at a comedy club in Florida years ago.

And the lady was huge. She was like a gigantic lady. Yeah. And she kept heckling me. And at one point she went, boo, and I said, are you saying boo or moo? And the house came down. She killed herself. She got diabetes.

The crowd laughed. out. It was great. Oh, God. It was fun. I love it. I love it. But you ever have the times you're like, you, nincom poop or what?

And you're like, go, I had nothing. Oh, yeah, you just hit a draw, a wall. Yeah, but you don't, you don't seem, I feel like you're always cooking. I never really see you stumped.

Well, you know what I do is when I, when I get stumped, I make me being stumped become the gag. Oh, how do you do that? So what I'll do is I'll acknowledge Like, if someone stumps me and I can't say that, I'll just go, I'll just say like, well, I guess I lost it or, you know, if you didn't show up because, you know, you just fucked up my act or,

you know what I mean? Like, and they love it because they've watched you for 40 minutes. Yeah. Just boom, boom, boom. Right. It's sort of like when the Saturday night live actors laugh during their sketches, right? A break. So now you're kind of, you're acknowledging.

that you missed one and if you can sort of play with it so if you ever want to borrow that one tip from one crankster to another it's sort of fun to find a way to sort of turn it on yourself and then and then they sort of appreciate it and it sort of ingratiates you to them even more it's endearing yeah that's a vulnerable moment because they go oh he couldn't think of anything and he owned it yeah that's it's worse if you try to fake yeah and you can't get there and they can see right through that And I got to tell you, Mark, there's something really empowering about really just, and this is something for probably the first few decades of doing stand-up, I would never do it, but when you

just open up and go, I'm fucking eating it right now, folks, you tell them right to their face, like you, you present to them the obvious and that you're hurting. And if you open that door and open your mouth and start to let that out, then the funny will tumble out after. Wow. And it's really cool if you just like throw yourself on your own sword. They watch you do the Harry Carey. Yes. And then once you're laying there moaning in agony, your brain, which we just talked about, is always in motion. Uh-huh. It will find a way to make that suicide funny. Wow. It takes a lot of courage. It took me a long time to get to that point. Because you can go against everything you're taught. Right. You have to.

to go the other way. That's fascinating. You should try it because it's sort of exciting. Yeah. It's sort of like, because we're so used to everything else we do and it usually works. Yes. And when you have this new beat where you're kind of like drawing and quartering yourself in front of the crowd. Yeah.

You're so vulnerable. But it's really like inside you're like, ooh, this is because they'll always be that inevitable silent moment where they're like, oh, the guy lost it. Yeah. And you really did lose it. Right. Right. But then all our survival instincts where you claw out of the top of the water to breathe, they come out. And it's really, it's a fun thing to try.

That folks, any young comment, that is a master class. That's a great tip. That's like top black belt level improv, riffy, you know, jokes. Well, I didn't mean to assume you've never done it, but it's something I do. But if you haven't done it, try it. I will, but I'm nervous because it's scary to open up that much and be that vulnerable. It is. But once you do it, like what you do now, you get better at it.

And it's just, it's really fun because it's more unpredictable than even that other stuff. It's kind of like a jujitsu where you use it the other way. You flip it on them. Yeah. That's great. Because, yeah, you're killed Tony. I was like, how does he keep coming up with this? And then when you couldn't, you'd go, well, I wish I could think of something.

And that's a joke. Yeah, yeah. You always try to find something. Man, that was great, but this, what are you, 78? I'm 87 next week. Wow. You're pretty sharp for, I mean. Yeah, I'm going to celebrate by climbing down a gopher hole,

letting them chew my face off. I don't know if you're interested in that type of thing. I don't speak gay code. But that sounds like a hell of a time. See, Norm was my hero. Okay, yeah, Norm. He's a Canuck. He was one of my best friends.

Is that right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, me and Norm spent so much. probably more than most people. Really? People don't know that. But me and Norm were very close, very good friends, and we spent so much time together.

Wow. Yeah. I met him twice, and I cherish every second. I think he might have been the funniest guy of all time. Yeah, you think so? I'm not saying he's the best stand-up or the best actor, but just as a human being to be that funny and that weird and that committed to his schick, incredible.

Yeah. Well, I told someone this a few podcasts ago because it always surprises people. But this is from Norm. He would tell me this all the time. He was quick, clever for all those things you said. Oh, yeah. But one of the things, you know, I hung out with them a lot. So when we were just doing our thing, playing tennis or whatever, it was just norm, you know.

But the whole, ah, how you doing, man? Yeah, yeah. Ah, that guy there. Oh, Mark Norman. Ah, look at that guy. Yeah. So he would tell me all the time He goes, he goes,

Har, I'm just doing Carol O'Connor from all in the family. What the fuck? I'm just, I'm doing my own variation on Archie Bunker. And if you go back and it's like, ah, oh, there he is. Ah, yeah, ah, meathead. So he loved, he loved Carol O'Connor. He loved the cadence, the acting.

And so Norm, I would never say Steele, because what he did, he made it. He just, he just loved, it. And so he borrowed that sort of, ah, me, that. And if you listen, if you go back and listen to it and even look at it, even sort of the hand gestures and stuff. So, wow, that's a great nugget right there. I thought I knew everything about Norm. I've got to tell you lots of things about Norm. I mean, we got to come back and do another podcast. I'll have to do a Norm and Norm and Norman. Yeah, Norman. Get the sponge cake. Mommy's feeling moist, Norman. Oh, wow. I mean, was he,

So he wasn't like that at the tennis game. You got. Oh, God. Norm was one of the most competitive guys. Really? We played all kinds of sports. People didn't know this because he's sort of a scrawny guy, but he loved to play tennis. And he was a gamble psycho.

He was a gamble psycho, but we would play tennis, and he wasn't that good. I'm listening. Wow. Sorry. What flavor is that? That was blackened underwear. Wow, dude. Yeah.

Wow. Yikes. What a pitch. I noticed my sound monitors kind of went, woo, woo, woo, whew, that was vodka. Wow. Do you need some wipes? Do you need some Kimby wipes?

I might need a wipe, yeah. A sponge cake or something? I need one of those hobos to squeegee in my asshole. I'll give him a buck. Can you smoke a cigarette out of it? Yeah. When you stood up like that and you like kind of cocked you, I swear I was waiting to hear,

but Norm, Norm was, on this crazy, um, competitive guy. And we'd, we'd go play tennis down here in Hollywood. We'd go every freaking day. Wow. And then we'd, we'd go to his house. We'd eat dinner there, everything. And, um, his wife was there and he had a little dog. He loved his little dog. But we'd play tennis. And he wasn't that good. I'm not making fun. But he, he was okay. Yep. But I was better. And I would beat him probably 95% of the time. Okay. And he would always be like, we'd play for three hours and be like ah let's play again like he couldn't he couldn't fathom losing right and i was i was i loved it so let's go again it's like ah and and i'd get him almost every time and

then we go bowling whoa and he'd want to go we go bowling all the time and he'd want to play um a dollar for a strike and 50 cents excuse me for a spare uh-huh and we go boy and same thing i'd beat him about 90% of the time, and he wouldn't want to be, ah, let's go. Let's pull some more on it. But we had the best, we had such a riot, yeah. I'm so jealous you got that much time with him. Oh, yeah, tons of time.

We went to Vegas together. Oh, we, his first time, are both our first times in Vegas. We played street hockey together. Wow. We did a lot. I was telling, I think Kevin Neal in this, we, in those early years when we were doing stand-up together, um we were just drawn to each other we had a similar sensibility a similar sense of humor and we both

had i love second city he loves saturday night he was like i want to be on saturday night live one day you know so wow so we would literally we excuse me we go to um you want to water here yeah i'm gonna have a drink i'm getting all nor emotional yeah yeah no this is i'm sorry i'm prying No, I don't mind. I don't mind. It's fun. It's actually fun because Norm's gone. I think about them a lot.

And it's fun to go back and think of the good memories. You know, the fond memories. It's just sort of, I don't know, it feels good. It's nourishing, you know. Yeah, yeah. And so we would go, and I found an old church basement up where we lived in Toronto. And we would go, and I got a camera and a tripod, and we would go, we write these sketches and we'd sit in this basement and we'd act out sketches together and because

he wanted to be on S&L and I sort of more love the stand-up but I thought if I could do Second City that'd be great so I'm vowing someday I've got to find this tape there's an old tape of me and him doing all these sketches together I got to find I think I still have it but I'm going to make an effort to find it but anyways lots of great memories I have a DM from him and I I might, like, print it out and frame it just because it met the world. I saw him live. He's one of the only guys I paid to see. He was drinking a Coca-Cola at Caroline sold out.

This is probably 2009. And he got heckled pretty bad. And he picked up the Coke, and he went, I don't know what to say. And that killed, but he just did it so well. It was kind of like what you said. He's like, I couldn't think of a line. Right. So he just said that he couldn't think of a line.

And that was hilarious. Well, I'll tell you this with Norm, he probably did have a line. but somehow he and his comical mind probably knew that that's all he needed. Norm was very astute. He was very, everything was very measured. Interesting. Oh yeah.

He was a very clever, clever guy, very calculating. Well, he was so clever that he knew to come off not clever. Yeah, that's right. You know,

he played it dumber. Well, he did it to a fault where I got mad at him because I think he could have had a deeper, richer acting career. Mm. And I was always sort of mad at him because if you look at him in the world versus Larry Flint or whatever it's called,

he has a little acting role where he comes off so Paul Newman-esque. He looks like Paul Newman. And the director said, look, play it very real. And Norm has a small part as a reporter. But I watched that and I went, wow, if Norm applied himself to his acting, he's got it.

But he would do these movies, like these feature movies, the one he did with Chappelle and Artie Langan. Ah, I'm the actor guy. I'm reading my lines. Like, he was sort of trying to do the anti-actor thing. Like,

I'm such a bad actor. It's funny. Yes. And I always saw it, in my own way, I saw it as a squandered opportunity because when I, because I knew him and I saw that glimpse of him doing so well

on the world versus Larry Flynn. I was, I know him, don't squander this. Like, you could be one of those sort of Robin William-ass guys. Everyone knows you're funny, but there's a real actor in there that could emerge. But I think he honed that, that, that, that, that, uh, cadence and that stick that he had so well that

if he, if he acted too well, it might ruin that. No, I think, honestly, as a guy who was close to him, I think he was afraid. Interesting. I think he was afraid. There was a barrier there where I don't know that he believed enough. Whoa. He knew he could be funny, but I don't know, but, and maybe he couldn't see it because when you're in it sometimes you can't see it yeah yeah but i i know i just know because i knew him so well that i

think he was sort of using that as a protective insecurity like oh look at me i'm a bad actor you know it's like no dude you're really there's something good in there but he never was able to reach into it and yeah and he he was almost uh and like we can stop blowing norm at any point does it turn into oh no i don't mind okay um so uh there was one two things there's a video of him he was almost too smart for his own good. He was smarter than everyone else, so he would say the fact, and people get mad or offended. And he's like, well, I'm just saying what is. Yeah. And there's a radio, a clip of him on the radio, and he's talking about how black people are poor. And this woman is like, oh my God, you're so racist. What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you say that? And

these black callers call in, they go, yeah, he's right. And he's like, you see? Stop telling me, I'm wrong, just because you're offended. Yeah, I think I saw that. It's amazing. I think someone actually called in with actual statistics. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. His other one is he's somewhere on a comedy stage and he's getting heckled. He's shitting on teachers. He's like, teachers are heroes. I never saw a teacher go into a burning building and pull a guy out.

And a lady, a teacher is like starting to heckle him. And he's like, lady, you're just the tallest person in the room. And he's just killing her with these jokes about how teachers aren't that great. And it's pretty magical. Well, one of my favorites, unfortunately it wasn't one of his. jokes but he had heard it from someone i forget who he heard it from but i always loved this one he told it to me once and we were talking about like girls loving funny guys you know he always he goes you always hear a girl saying they love a guy with a sense of humor yeah and he goes yeah but

when was the last time you saw someone crawling across brad pit to get to shamp yeah it wasn't his joke but it just was so appropriate that he knew that joke from somewhere because it was hilarious it was in his wheelhouse yeah he would hold on to stuff that that was in his wheelhouse you know yeah and he went he went hard on the lady comics too yeah he he wasn't a big fan of um he just he was one of openly said i don't think women are funny you know he's like oh sarah silverman so who's funnier than her except for every dude that was one of his lines yeah he was he was uh he was open about that you know yeah yeah but he also you know he's i'm not defending what he said but he started in the early 80s when there really wasn't many women comics it was only about like 10 maybe yeah and so

they were still sort of an anomaly and i think to some men they felt threatened that hey this is a boys club what are you coming in for you're not women aren't funny and i i just think maybe he was never able to let go of that interesting but i think you're right yeah but there's like i mean you Old Ellen, like 80s Ellen, was hilarious, hilarious, great material. Oh, yeah, Joan Rivers. Oh, yeah, Phyllis Diller. I mean, I think Norm just sort of said that stuff without really thinking it through. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think he, even he would have acknowledged, like, Phyllis Diller and people like that were really funny. But last note about comedy coming back to you. Bring it back, baby. Has there ever been a comic who's personally said something mean to you? you like that maybe they didn't like what you did or don't like your style or just sure like and this could have been when you were starting or now it could have been yesterday it could have been 10 years ago but you ever have a guy just come right up and you go hey dude blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I've had a lot of that you have is there one that really stuck out the most that

hurt you and how did you respond to it well I got a I got a weird shitty voice you know and I was gonna say right at the beginning but I didn't want to yeah and this guy who was comic way above me and he was he was really funny and i looked up to him and he was pretty much in a blackout uh he's since quit comedy and drinking he was a real mean guy oh and he came up and he was like dude you got to just your your voice you got to quit your your voice is so bad that you'll never going to make it and i was like two years in i was going like i guess like i guess that's it this was a guy you looked up to yeah he was a bigger more established comedian who'd been on TV and everything.

And I was like, well, he knows more than me. And I do sound like a douche. So maybe he's got something here. So I'd go up and go, how you doing, everybody? I would try to like sound like Elvis or something in my first few years. Yeah. Just to not sound like me. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah. So I've had a lot of weird advice, a lot of weird. Like, you should do this. You're, that's, stop doing that. Yeah. Well, the irony is, is that, you know, people with unique traits, like a unique voice, actually in the long run

tend to do really well because they stand out. Yes. It's just a, I mean, your material and your ability stands out on his own, but you slap,

I'll just call it a unique voice. And it adds to the, the whole package, you know, and it makes it different and great and fun. It's so good for you. All right,

yeah, I'm over it now, but in those early days, you're so impressionable. And how about this? This is a wacky one. Oh, here we go. It was a real comment.

comedy bully when I started. He was a cool guy, funny guy. He knew all, you know all the big celebrity comics, and I was a new New York nerd, open micer. And he was like, you suck. You're a hack, you're a hack. And I was like, man, why does this guy hate me? You know those things where you're in the shower? Like, oh, I hope that guy's not at the show tonight. I got to see that guy. He's so mean. And he was always mean to me. And 10 years go by, he wrote me a long email, like four pages long. And he was like, I'm so sorry. I've gotten sober. I had a huge coke problem and a drinking problem. I was threatened by you.

You moved to New York. You had material. You had an annoying voice. And I just hated you. And it bothered me. And I took it out on you. And I've grown. And I'm sorry.

Oh, wow. So you never know. Yeah, that's good. I thought you were going to tell me he wrote you and said, I still love your underarm because you were, you did this whole thing. I was in the shower. And I didn't really understand why. Yeah.

So I get my thinking done in the shower. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so. Well, good. I'm glad he made amends. And that's nice when people kind of step up and realize it is funny when old or more established comics get threatened by the new guys coming in.

We don't have time for it today, but I have a few stories where that happened to me. I would love to hear it. Who was mean to you? Cosby? Matt Rife? I thought. I could do. Matt was Matt Rife.

I like you guys are both hot guys. Well, I am. Um, but it was, uh, it was back, uh, you know, there's this guy in Canada. He was like the top comedian when I started. It was this guy named, I won't hold his name by it. He's like Mike McDonald. Oh, I know. I've heard of him.

I don't know him. And he would, he was the top dog when I started in the early 80s. And, but he could be cantankerous. He could be intimidating. He was one of those guys that he knew he was the king. And so, you know, and he did more traditional stand up, you know, kind of that traditional early 80s like premise writing oh i'll kind of like Seinfeld oh let's say cds yes i'll write a seven-minute bid on CDs and it'll just keep building and it was great he was a great craftsman

blah blah blah and then i showed up at the club we only had one club in toronto and i was going up with with no shirt on yeah i was bringing props i was making sound effects i was screaming i was running all over the way. But I also had really well-crafted jokes, and I could deliver, but it was a new thing that I could tell it. It just frazzled them. And so I went to do the Montreal

Festival one year, and I did a set, and afterwards, you know, they have these parties for all the comedians, and I'm at the party, and I see him on the other side of the room. And he comes all the way over. Like, I see him bee-lined to him, and he just walks up to me, and he

goes, hey, man, I heard you had a horrible set and I looked at him and I just go yeah well I just booked Letterman oh and his face he didn't even he didn't even have he didn't even have a response like his face melted I love it like Ray and he just turned and walked away he didn't even and I wasn't trying to be mean I wasn't trying to be a douche but I was like enough with this guy yeah I'd heard him you know kind of get in other guy's faces. Now, later in life, we ended up doing some shows together, and I got to know him better and understood. He was on some medications and stuff. So I don't think it was all just organic that he was, you know, like that with people. Yeah. But I got to know him, and in the end he got

really sick, and I ended up sending him money to help him and stuff. Like, I'd love him my heart for him because I realize, you know, some guys are just insecure and threatened. And I could tell by the end that he actually respected and liked me, but during that time when you're finding that out, it can be, you know, some guys for whatever reason, they don't want to be knocked off the totem pole or, or they don't want to share the totem pole because I was never looking to knock anyone on. I just wanted to do my thing. I just want to tell jokes. That's it. And then those drama gets weaved in and you're like, how the hell do we get here? I'm just trying to talk about my dick on stage. He's your Christy of the seven elves. Sorry God. Chris Christie. He's a big

But, yeah, he was, we had an eclipse because of him. But, yeah, it's sad. But it's always internal. Whenever you have this guy or gal coming at you, and you're like, what did I do? What am I doing wrong? Nobody hates me. It's always them.

Hurt people, hurt people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, but I didn't know that then. I was a young, I was a youngster. Well, do you know this? At the end of our show, we do one final segment. Okay.

And I think you'll enjoy it. Everyone loves it. It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe. And this is an authentic Dutch clog, Mark. Wow. And there's words inside. You reach inside, pull out the word, and see if it invokes a memory or a story from your journey, whether it's your story or someone you met along the way.

Okay. That you can share with our audience of 12 people. Wow. All right. We'll do a clog post. Okay. Look at that. What is it, guy?

Wow. Oh, no. This is crazy. because we talked about this earlier. What is it? It's the seven dwarves, old puffy hands. And I just said the seven elves just now. That's right. Holy.

Wait, what does it say? Small world. What's it say? Seven dwarves. Oh, wow. Is there some kind of story or any type of memory that comes from? No. I mean, I know a couple of midge.

And my thing with midgets is we always talk about like trans bathrooms. You know, how we've got to help the trans people. I'm like, what the midge? The toilet's three feet high. Their feet are dangling. And what about their problems? Wow. So I'm pro-Midge.

Are there trans midges? Ooh. Like are there, like, can there be? Yeah. Is there enough there to do the cutting? Yeah. Is there enough there to move the meat around? Yeah.

Well, at least you get the heels, maybe, you know, get a little height when you go trans. But yeah, I never. Have you ever had experience? with a midge, like you ever made love to walk down in New Orleans or anything? I would love to make love to a little Cajun dwarf. Really? No, I mean, they can blow you standing, you know. They got a big head.

You can probably walk with them while they're doing it. Like put their feet on your feet and walk and blow, I call it. Walk and blow. Wow. And you can do a 69 holding them. Oh, yeah. We call that the pinwheel where I come from. The burning school.

Yeah, it might actually be at 37. Wow. Yeah. Wow. All right. This has been brought to you by the little people of America. Well, Mark, before we go, please tell the folks where they can, if you have a special coming out, if you have a tour schedule online, your social media, everything.

Let us know what you're up to, guy. Well, I've been writing a new material for. Michael Richards and Mark Normancom I have a podcast called Tuesdays with Stories and a podcast called We Might Be Drunk which I think you're doing when you come out to the big apple.

Hell yeah, we'll cut it up. Yeah. And then yeah, yeah, then other than that I'll be at the Transmigit Convention and we'll see how that goes. And what will be happening there? I think we know the answer. A lot of transactions.

And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman, right here on the Holland Highway podcast. Buddy, thank you so much. Thank you. It's an honor. I'm a huge fan. And to riff with you is very excited.

When you die, I'm really going to remember this. Will you riff on my grave? I will. You got it. What a friend. Folks, that's it for today. Until next time, chicken chow main, baby. Why were you pointing?

Oh, sorry. No, I mean, no one's ever done that. I do, but you did it too. I was trying to go with you. I was trying to be a friend. You're up for a walk and blow? Let's do it, baby. I'll walk.

You blow. Wait, what? Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh? You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points.

And off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.