The Harland Highway - MARK NORMAND is back and it's HOT and STEAMY to say the least! Babies, Teriyaki, pubes, and COMEDY!!

Episode Date: April 14, 2026

This episode is sponsored by Hims, StitchFix: -To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit Hims.com/HARLAND - Get started today at StitchFix.com/harland to get $20 off your first order That’s StitchFix.com/harland Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Website:https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/ X: https://x.com/marknorm #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody, I have some exciting news before we start today's podcast. Yes, my long-awaited comedy feature film, Wingman, has finally got a release date, May 26. And you can go to Apple and pre-order the Wingman movie. If you go to Harlandwilliams.com, you'll see a link to pre-order the movie on Apple. And you can also watch the trailer and get more information about this movie that I wrote and directed. And star in. So you're going to have a great time. And you know what?

I'm so excited. I'm so jazzed that we finally have a release date. I'm going to show you the trailer right now before we get into the podcast. Enjoy. And we'll see you on May 26. Wingman. Your wingman is now officially on the clock. Looking for some action on a Saturday night.

How do I know? It works. Has an elephant know how to jerk itself off with its own nose? Winnie. You're not actually considering this, are you? No! Turk Thompson, wingman. Okay, cause like a wingman?

What, are you still in high school? Wingman. You don't get laid? I don't get paid. What have I got to lose? I need you to take these onion rings down into the jaw. the jaw, stacked them on the bald cyclops, and let me know the count. You're nuts! You're a madman! This is a huge mistake!

Cool off first! Out of time! See anything you like? She's beautiful. Look. Have you seen that Julia Roberts movie, Eat, Pray, Love? Yeah. Yeah. Well now you're looking at the sequel, Eat, eat, eat. What makes you such an expert on women anyways?

OP power of the pussy. That was a mild setback. Dress real nice. We're going for some Wall Street beaver. Were you beat as a kid? You looked like you were. No, no. Believe it, other kids beat me up, but not my parents.

Your dad ended up taking a couple of shots. Look at you. I wish. It would have helped me. Help me get right. Would you have run away from home if your old man went at you? No, I didn't have any money.

I would have fought back maybe. Really? Well, I hit my mom. Hey now, everybody listen up. This is a jingle for the one 20 seconds long, or maybe. You're way ahead of me. Whenever someone says that, I feel like, I don't know, I just feel like inadequate or I feel like a slow learner or I feel like a...

Oh, well, I'm not way. I'm a little ahead of you. But you said you were way ahead of me. I clearly heard it. I'm gay ahead of you. Oh, you are? Then that, in that regard, you're right. All right.

Yeah. At least you're not gay behind me. Did we get that? No. Oh, come on. We got it. We got it. All right, all right.

We got it from... Okay. Right away. Thank God I took my prep. What? Nothing. Hang on. I'm going to adjust a light.

All right. Well, you're really taking your life in your hands with that system. Too risky. Yeah. Good luck. Yeah. Do you have an assistant? No.

Why not? I don't know what I'm doing. I can't afford it. I'm gay. I don't know. But that's what an assistant would do. You said the keywords, I don't know what I'm doing.

Yeah. So an assistant would help you maybe figure out what you're doing. Yeah, maybe you're right. But then you've got to talk to them and hang out. You got a lady in your house. That's weird. Yeah, but she's an assistant. She's not like my wife.

That's true. Yeah. You could get a guy assistant Since you just said you were You know Oh yeah Behind somebody Well you just said you were

You just now you said I'm I said why don't you get an assistant? I said because I'm gay Yeah So you could get a guy assistant That's true yeah I'll just get a boyfriend How about that?

Two birds Two bucks A boyfriend How would your wife feel? Ah well It's 2026 baby I'm Polly Market Yeah

I can see you with a, like, what would your boyfriend look like, do you think? Ooh, I'd go Asians, you know, just for the penetration. The old Panda Express. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a little, uh, well, you got friends in low Maine? Okay, hold on, a little low brow, oh, geez. I've got friends in a gonquit Maine. Which is, if you know, Maine, that's the gay area of Maine.

My cat's a Maine Coon. No way Yeah Say that again Maine Coon Whoa what's that I've never heard of that You see the Maine Coon

They're big fat They look like a leopard Wait a minute Pull it up I'd rather a cougar Wait a minute You have a domestic cat Yes

And it's called what Domestic abuse No I got a cat It's called a Maine Coon it's from Maine That's where it originated And it's called a Maine Coon I know that's a slur

That's the name Give it a Goog This isn't real. Oh, yeah. There's no such thing. I swear to go, well, there's raccoon. Yeah. From Rochester.

Sure, sure, yeah. Wait, where's Ra? Is that Rochester? Ra. You said raccoon. Oh. So if it's a Maine Coon, it's from Maine. I would say Raleigh.

Is there a tech coon from Texas? No, no techs coon. Oh, boy. I feel like we're getting in trouble. Don't say Baltimore. Don't. No, no, no. No, it's what it's called.

I swear, it's got a knee on the end. Wow. Yeah, so that saves it. But does it look like a normal cat? No, it's got huge paws, big, weird ears. It looks more like a lynx. I think you might have a lynx. Might have a lynx, LinkedIn.

God. Yeah. Do you see that bead of sweat on my forehead? No, I can't see it. Beed, would he, a Native American? Dude. I don't see it. Well, I wanted to apologize for the ACs

down. Ah, I see Slater. It's all like hot and sticky in here, so I apologize in advance. All good. I'm okay. I think you gotta eat better. You're eating hot pockets all day. What do you mean? It's just

got to do with the humidity, not what's in my, I'm ingesting. All right, all right. It's the air touching me. It's not what's emanating from inside of me. Oh, okay, okay. You're trying to reverse the science. I've heard your diet, and it's like a special needs kid who's nine.

Wait, what do they eat? You're the guy that's sitting here eating the fruit bottom yogurt. Thank you. That's a good gay bar. But yeah, yeah, I haven't eaten today, so thank you for this. You haven't eaten one thing. No. Good pussy.

Are you sure it wasn't Maine Coon? Which is Asian pussy. Wait, why haven't you eaten one thing? It's like two in the afternoon. I've been working. I got up. I had to go to a farmer? I went there.

Rich Eisen, Farmer's Only. And then I came here. The Ubering on this town of Killian. It takes hours. Oh, God. Oh, look at this sweaty bastard here. It's just so hot. It's not like we can jump in the shower or anything.

Have you ever jumped in a shower with a dude? No, no. Never jumped it. It's tile. But I've done the golden. What's that? Golden shower. That's where you pee on somebody.

Come on. Oh, yeah. What? You never did a golden? When was it? McDonald's? Would you do the Golden Arches? You dated a drive-thru girl?

Hey, you have fries, a big Mac, and a golden arch? Her name was Patty. What do you mean? What? I'm not into it. That's like an R. Kelly thing. They were you pee on the lady. But you said you did it.

I'm joking. Oh. I've never done it. I peed on a girl on accident when I used to wet the bed. What happened? I used to have a real drinking problem, and I'd have like a one-night stand, blackout and whiz on a whore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, with a double extra whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-huh. Wait, what was that? A little semen. Seamen, there's more like a fruit on the bottom of them. God. Wait, I, what is this golden shower thing? Something the kids are doing.

They pee on each other. But to what end? Like what is the gratification? Like, what... Well, some gals like a hot load on the jugs And some people like a hot whiz on the chin. Wow. Yeah, gee whiz.

Wait, who does it? The girl and the guy or the guy... Either way, it's vice versa. It's inclusive. Open game. Wow. Yeah. And I was a bedwetter as a child.

So I was a whiz kid. Wow. So you were good at math and you had a damp sheet. Oh, man. My mattress looked like a coffee filter. No way. Look like an old treasure map. It was brown and weird.

Oh, so you pooed and peed. No, no, no. No, I never shit the bed. Well, why was it brown? What colors your pee? When piss dries, it goes brown like coffee stains. Oh, God. Yeah, I'll send you a tape.

Just send me a picture of the shrouded turin. And then I had the plastic on my sheets like a serial killer. Or an Italian grandmother. Yeah, that's true. Nona. Huh? That's why my grandmother was Italian. Her name was Nona?

That's what you call her. Like, we say Nana, Nona, you know, we say Nana in English. They say Nona. Isn't that the place you go when you walk into your wardrobe? What does that mean? You coming out of the closet? Oh, no, that's Narnia. Oh, Narnia.

Sorry, sorry. I see. I should have got that. No, it's. Okay, you haven't eaten. This is Harnia. Wow. Yeah. You're horny?

I'm horny than the next guy. Wow. No, not really. I'm too busy to be horny. I rub one out earlier. What? How can you say that when you're sitting there eating yogurt? Oh, yeah, you're right.

And Stephen. God. Fruit, what does that mean to you fruit on the bottom? Sounds like the 80s epidemic. but no, there's blueberries down there. I know, but it seems to me that like it means something for it to you. Well, no, I'm just hungry. I'll eat anything.

I'll eat at S. You'll eat what? S, whatever you got. God, you're on fire, kid. I'll clean it up. We're getting dirty too early. No, I don't mind. This is the thing.

Speaking of food and sort of private parts, Have you ever like McDonald's? Yeah. You ever go to McDonald's or what's your favorite fast food jurn? I'm a Taco Bell man. Okay. And that's not going to play into this. What about Wendy's?

Wendy's. I like Wendy's. So you ever go into you get your fries and there's always that one giant fry. Oh, yeah. Have you ever experienced that? Sure. I love the giant fry. Where did that happen?

Do you remember? I think it's I think it Burger King So do you remember how long it was Oh geez I have more care about the girth Yeah But no it was probably like six inches

Wow Yeah it was vainy But I love a I like a soggy fry Vainy or not Does it have to be vainy stiff or soggy Vainy stiff and I dip it in mayo Okay.

And then I put it on my cheeks. Good golly, Miss Molly. Oh, yeah. Well, let me ask you this. Like, speaking of, like, the longest fry, because they're an anomaly, right? Yes. They're an oddball.

Right. So, and I don't want to get too personal, but I guess I will, because we're buds. Sure. Bring it on, Fetty. Do you ever shave down there? Like, do you groom? I'll groom just the base, you know,

so the flagpole looks a little longer. than less shrubbery. Okay. Now, playing into that, into the biggest fry, have you ever been down there grooming and stumbled on the longest pub? Oh, yeah, of course. I'll get in my teeth sometimes. I've definitely got some crazy pubs,

but it's pretty much a big fluff, and I just kind of mow the top of the hedge. But you've never, like, found a tree. trophy fish, like a keeper, like one you taxidermy and put over the fireplace. No, the only thing is sometimes I'll bang the wife and, you know, she'll be going downtown on me. And then later I pull a hair out of my janitalia region that's longer than my dad's ass. And it's one of hers. Yeah, but it's like a head hair.

Yeah, one of hers. But you're like, it's like the magician with the handkerchiefs. It just keeps coming, unlike her. Wow, yeah. She just stops. What's the opposite of coming? Stopping? Oh, yeah.

Shitting, crying. She multiple stops. She does a four-way stop? Yeah, like a local train. Wow. Yeah, so... Well, I don't want to boast. Okay.

But I was doing a little grooming yesterday. Oh. Dude. I don't know if you can see that. I don't know you're a prop guy now. No, this is no prop. This is organic. What the hell?

That is like the longest one I've ever had. I don't even know if you can see that. Who blew you, Fabio? Look at that thing. Wow, that is like I can't believe it's not butter. It's even the same color. Yeah, good Lord, that's Hargerin. Isn't that wild?

Have you ever had one that long? No, that's great. And it's hard too. It's stiff. That's crazy. Look at a curl on the end, like a pig's tail. Yeah, it's almost like a fry. Yeah.

Like a thin fry. Very thin fry. Right. I don't know if you want to eat it. Hold it or anything. I'll take it. I'll take it. I don't know if you've ever held one that long. I don't want to break it. This could go in Guinness.

Look at that thing. My God. Get a shot of that there, Faddy. Wow. That is really something. Boy, put that puppy on the mantle. You've never had one that long? No, that's crazy. That's like one of Hansen's hairs. Yeah, that's a trophy pub. Yeah. Well done. That could be like right out of Dolly Parton. wig almost. Yes, yeah.

I didn't know you were Greek. Look at this thing. Yeah. Good God. You could probably sell that. I mean, hair is, Indians make a fortune selling hair. Oh yeah, they make a lot of like chemo wigs.

Yes, yes, exactly. I wonder if you could make a, no disrespect, but could you make a chemo wig out of pubs? I think that's called a Merkin. It is? A pubic, a wig pubes are called murkens. So if you can't grow pubes for whatever reason, maybe your child,

and you can buy a Merkin where it looks like you have pubes, like a toupee for your dong. But what I'm saying is could, what was that? Sorry. Was that a fruit on the bottom, like coming up from the bottom yogurt burp? Yeah, that was bad. I was like a yo play. But could you make like a chemo wig with pubes?

like to put on the head. Yeah, you could, but it'll be frizzy. Okay. That'd be for a Jew pay. Yeah, that's for the Jewish people with the frizzy hair. Dude, you're loving that yogurt, huh? I'm starving. Well, you've hit the bottom now, so now you're getting into the fruit.

Oh, yeah. Because what I noticed is when you get fruit on the bottom yogurt, you're supposed to stir it. Oh. But you didn't, so now you're down at the bottom where all the fruits hiding. Yes, yeah, I'm digging. I'm like an old panhandler. Wow, dude. This is good stuff.

Well, since last, oh, by the way, I should let people know, folks. Mark Norman is here, gang. Comedian extraordinaire. Hey, thanks. And you know what, buddy, since normally I wait to the end to promote stuff, I want to do it at the beginning because you have a brand new special out, and I don't want, you know, some people to watch 10 minutes and then bail. Yeah.

Like, I don't want to hear two grown men talk about a giant pub. Sure, sure. So they bail. Yeah. But that's why I want to get, like, right on the tail end of the giant pub talk. Christian Bail. Let's get your plug in for your hair plug in for your... But plug.

For your butt plug in for your special guy. It's on Netflix called None Too Pleased, and it's cooking. People are enjoying it, I hope, and it's in the top ten, so let's try to keep it that way. Would you be willing to do one joke from it, like as a free sample? Are you going to be a snob? I'll do one. Okay. It's already out there anyway.

Yeah. I said, I look at trans the same way I look at crypto. I don't understand all of it, but I've lost a lot of money on both. Wow. You know, trans hookers is the joke there. Yeah. Yeah. I love that guy.

I'm in. I'm in. All right. He's in with trans. No, I'm in with your special. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah. No, I'm in.

I'm in for the rest of it. Hell yeah. All right, clothes shopping is not as fun or as easy as it sounds. I mean, look at me. Yeah, I don't love it. I don't like going to the mall. I don't like going into stores. I don't like trying things on and off and seeing what fits.

It's too much. I just want to feel confident in my clothes. Let's be real. Shopping is a bit of a drag. You know what? You just want to look in the mirror and go, wow, I look great, I feel great. Stitch fix.

Yeah, that's right. Stitch fix takes the hassle out of all that and makes shopping easy. Real human stylists send clothes that you're going to love. They're a great fit. They're actually clothes that feel like you, and they're delivered to your door, confidence included. Take a quick style quiz, share your size, style, and your budget, and get you. get matched with a real human stylist who gets your vibe over at Stitch Fix. So get started today.

It's Stitchfix.com slash Harlan to get 20% off your first order. That's Stitchfix.com slash Harlan. Start looking good, groovy, and great with Stitchfix. So since last time you were here, my player, Uh-huh. Someone had a little Babelino. Yo player.

Uh, yeah. Oh, I got a baby now. Yeah, he's been that long? Yeah, does it have fruit on his bottom? No, it's mostly shit. He's shitting himself. He's like a little drunk guy. He hits a bottle, he passes out and he shits himself.

He's like me in college. So he's like a shit on the bottom, baby. Yeah. Wow. And it's junkie. There's corn in there and peanuts. Wow. Really? Oh, yeah.

Wait, babies can't eat peanuts and corn? They can't? What is it grazing at night when you're asleep? What is it out at a deer hide? Well, I take him to the bar and eats the nuts on the top. You take your baby to the bar? Yeah, I want to spend time with him. Wow, so tell me about the Experiancio of having a...

How old is the little nugget? Fourteen months. Wow, baby. Oh, it's wild. He's almost Epstein age. Wow. He's cute. He's fat.

He's gay. He's a great. little guy. I'll tell you, the early part is tough. The first three, four months is like numb. You know, you're just crying. You know, no sleep. You're twitching. And now he's like walking, he's talking. We're having a great time.

Wow. Yeah, so I'm a fan. I'd like to have another one. Really? Yeah. Bring it on. How soon? Ah, soon or the better. Let them get good close in age so they can play with each other. Yeah. Like puppies. Yeah. You want them to have that

youth together. Yes. Yes. And then they imprint on each other. Yeah, and they're both sucking off the teat at the same time. There's two tits, two kids. Yeah. But one more, I guess you could technically do that. Yeah. Where if you had them one year apart is probably the limit.

Or would you be one of those guys that she can get pregnant right away? Yep. And there's a nine-month difference between when one popped out and the other one arrives. I would be willing to do that, but it's catch-as-catch can. You can't just, you can't just, you can't, planet. Has anyone ever done that? Oh, yeah. Where it's been like, one popped out, and then the

next day she got pregnant. Is that even scientifically possible? I think the vage is a little banged up. You've got to put some ice on it. Well, that's the outside, but inside, I'm sure the plumbing's still working. Oh, that's true. I mean, what's that? Jan and Kate Plus 8? That coups

out of about 19 kids, so she must have gotten knocked up pretty quick. But is there anything on the record books that says that someone like had conceived like the next day after they gave birth, I bet it has. I mean, I would give it a gog. Would you, would you be willing to go to like, it sounds like you want another kid like really fast, like Jiffy Loob fast. Yeah, I've been dropping bombs like Iran. So would you want one like immediately? Yeah, sure. Wow. I got a couple of guys working on it right now just to keep it going. Oh, wow. Yeah, because I'm here.

here. So somebody's got to drop a load in there. Wait, what? Huh? You want someone else's infant child? I'm just kidding. No, I wanted to keep it white. Oh, right.

You know. Yeah. Because that's how you know if she hooked up with someone else. If it's yours. Yeah. Okay, well, since you brought up that scenario, oh, good. She pops out another one.

It's Asian, it's black, it's East Indian, it's whatever the national. is Cambodian. Yikes. Would you keep it? Would you embrace it as yours? No, no. I would call ice and really get that thing out of there.

Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. I'd punt that puppy right off the Brooklyn Bridge. So you'd totally detach from your wife and this child. Of course. I mean, Asian is a toss-up because he's going to be smart and successful. Right.

But anything else, no dice. Really? Yeah. Hispanic, whatever. It's too different. And do you divorce the wife? Do you leave her?

I think so. Yeah. You got to do it. Yeah, I'm with you, man. I couldn't stick around. It happens, though. People, women mess around, and all of a sudden a baby comes out

that's another, like, ethnicity. Yeah. And nothing against the ethnicity, but the fact that your wife, like even if it was a white kid, like, sure. And some women, don't they, hide it if it's the same ethnicity

they'll play it off like it's the guy's kid. Right, right, but if he comes out blonde, hiling, I'm like, hey, that ain't mine. So let's do another Scenario where let's say she pops out a honky and you believe

it's yours for, you raise it up to 14 years old. And then one day you realize this ain't mine. Oh, then you got to kill it. Or at least get the money back. You paid a lot of money for kid to grow up. I would say, all right, you're going to pay me for the 14 years.

Dentist. Yeah, clothing, food. Schooling. Schooling, yeah. All that stuff. Video games, TV. And what about all the hugs you gave the kid and it's not yours? Yes, exactly.

At that point, you're just like cuddling a strange boy. Yeah, I've been there. And now you're the culprit. Ooh. Good point. For 14 years, you've been snuggling with a little bit. The boy watching football. That's on you.

Kevin Spacey? Yeah, I guess so. And then he's got footage of this kid in the tub and now I'm on a list. That's on you, psycho. Way to go. That's a long, it's a good way to incriminate somebody. It's a long game. Well, maybe at that point, don't you just stay in the illusion so that you don't have any legal ramifications?

Yeah, that's a good, that's true. I mean, that's what adoption is, basically. Yeah. Were you adopted? No, I wish. Why? I'd have better jeans. No, I'm kidding.

My parents are very nice. You wouldn't have to guess. I know a couple adopted folk, and they're a little off. Really? Yeah, my buddy's adopted, and he's a cuck. What do you mean? Well, I think he's angry. But you're born, and somebody gave you up.

Immediately. That's a tough pill to jizz on. Yeah, yeah. And is he verbalized that, too, that he's bitter about being adopted? A little, but he's a real drug. and a real drug addict, and he's an animal. And do you think that's infused into the DNA of maybe, and I don't want to assume all adopted children are crack babies,

but do you hear, like, is that a trepidation when you're adopting that the parents were wild partiers, and that's why they gave up the kid? Right. And then does the kid inherently, you know, take on those attributes? I think so, because, you know, you got the girl with the no-dead, she becomes slutty. There's always some kind of, you got the guy who was beaten

and he becomes violent. So there is some repercussions with the upbringing. Do you think it's written into their DNA? Even though they never were exposed to those parents. Sure. But is it written into their DNA that maybe they inherit that stuff chemically or something?

I think so. DNA's DNA. You watch a dog take a nap. He circles the grass eight times. and then he plops down or he circles the bed. That's all the DNA from the wolves in the forest who had to flatten out the leaves. Yeah.

So it's in there, Faddy. It sits deep in. Yeah. You got some weird Canadian quiff running through you right now. Yeah, well, how would you describe it? Like, what do you see? What do you sense? Yeah, yeah, I'd say you got a little man-child in you.

What's that mean? I'd say you got a little, what do you call that, Peter Pan syndrome? Oh, explain. I think you're, you got... Like I wear green leotards? No, no. I think you got dittled at 11 and you just stuck.

Oh, you thought I got molested? Come on, there's no doubt about it. Just by looking at me. Well, and your demeanor, your cat shirt, your act, your house. Yeah. That wall behind you. Okay, so maybe I did or didn't. All right.

Would you elaborate on what it looked like, how it went down? Sure. Well, I assume you had some Justin Trudeau, son of a bee up there in the Great White Way, and I guess he diddled you with a yodel or something. A yodel? Well, you're obsessed with weird snacks and junk food. I think he hit you with a crazy straw right in the pooper. Dude, a yodel is a vocalization.

It's what mountain men do to signal to each other before the dawn of cell phones. I meant Twinkie. To what yodel's a kind of a cake. No, yodels the form of Swiss communication. I think it's both. It's a hominom. He, he, odleo, he, he, he, he, odle, odle, lo, le-de-le-de-le-le-le. Hey.

That's a yodel. That was amazing. Well, what are you talking about? You're saying I was yodled? There's a yodel cake. Like you're saying a Swiss guy molested me? It's a pastry called a yodel. We need a, we need a Google in here.

Hey, Amber. Amber, alert. Can you look up a... What was that? Sorry, another yogurt. You know what that sounded like? A yodel? No, a main cat.

Coon. Main coon to you, main cat to me. There she is. What's a, what is it? A yodel. It's a kind of pastry. See if there's a pastry called a yodel. Yeah.

It's like a Swiss cake. You know a Swiss roll? And also, if does one exist, can a young boy be molested by it? There we go. A young Canadian boy. Yeah, there is such thing. Thank you, Amber. What is it?

Let's see. There you go. See, welcome to America. Dude, we call these Swiss rolls in Canada. So I was Swiss rolled when I was a boy. Well, you also call a Starbucks of Tim Horton. So we got a lot to learn. No, those are different.

Okay. Yeah, those are two different franchises. Back to your chubby little bubbly buns. Yes. Or whatever. We're not going to say his name, are we? Adolf. Oh, Adolf.

I feel like it's underused. Yeah, you don't get it a lot. It's unique. It's like Juan Oltra called her kid Apple. Where do you hear that? Well, the iPhone, for one. Yeah, but as a kid, as a conominum or a phenomenon. Oh, yeah.

What's a name? What's another word for name? pseudonym. Yeah. Okay. I'm not very litigious. So you gave your kid a very unique name. Adolf.

Is it Adolf or Adolf? Adolf. And he gets in the line first with that alphabetical order, unless there's an Aaron with two A's. And he flies through the night on Christmas Eve and gets the other deer to Christmas. Oh, I think that's who you talk about. Rudolph. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. My bad. My bad. I should have caught. Then there's also Dolph Lundgren. Oh, man. He just took the A off. Yeah.

I remember when I lost my virginity and he said, I will break you. So Adolf and what's his middle name? I think I know. Does it start with an age? Yes. Oh, wow. Henry. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Okay. Adolf, Henry. Norman. Wow. How about that, huh? Wow. A.N.

Which I think is a channel. I think it's also a disease in Thailand. Well, what is it over there with those lady boys? Oh, what if your son became a lady boy? How would you feel? Well, if I can't have two, that's a nice way to get two out of one. Yeah.

You know. And if he didn't charge much, you might get a midnight Swiss roll. Your wife's like, Mark, where are you? Yoletal lo! He! Oh, little, la.

Well, it could be a twink. Oh, yeah. Twink E. Yeah. Now, we got to ask, because I'm... Cream filled. Did you...

And I almost don't want to ask this, but I'm going to. By the way, I want to apologize for this heat. I'm all good, man. Are you not hot? No, no. This feels nice in here.

It's not like two guys could just pop into a shower and, like, cool down. No, you're right. What did you do with the placenta? Oh, I left it right on the floor. I'm not one of these weirdos that puts it in a milkshake. Right? Yeah. This is where I'm going with this.

Some people, I have a buddy who they made smoothies. I'd rather drink my own jizz Dude Well I think I've heard that's packed with protein as well Where'd you hear that? Your assistant Oh no I'm just kidding Sorry Amber

Big fan No no That's crazy to me You live out in L.A. though People are drinking all kinds of R. Kelly sweat and P. Diddy oil I can't keep up So that's on them

I will say breast milk If you want to get into the liquids That is a magical elixir That shit will cure a hangover, AIDS and famine Wait, you had it? I took a hit Why? I wanted to tell you.

I was serious 7-Eleven closed? I thought there were 24 hours We were out of milk, I had a coffee Now I just had to try it It's not, it's a little tangy But man, you can feel the the chemicals, the vitamins, the nutrients.

It's, it's... Really? It's incredible. It's like Benjamin Button Juice almost. It's just like invigorated you? Invigorated. It flows to your veins. It's like Adderall.

Wait, so your wife gave birth. Mm-hmm. You were kicking around watching the Walking Dead or something one night. Yeah. Honey, I sure could use a shot of titty milk? Well, you end up freezing a lot of them. it. Okay. Because you got to pump it out and sometimes it's not pumping. So what it is pumping, you got to grab it. Okay. You got to hold onto it. So we had a little laying around and I just went

and took a pop. When you say this, like, are you singing in a shock glass? Ah, I don't remember how I did. I think I, it was a little left in the bottle and I think I sucked it down. So you took the baby's bottle. Yep. And you did a Maggie Simpson. Yeah. Exactly. And it was on the bottom. Yeah, the back wash. That's where all the like aeroli flakes drift too. Yeah, yeah, which were, they added flavor.

Really? Yeah. And man, that stuff, you could just feel it coursing through you. It's magical. In comparison to what, let's say, you or I would buy at 7-Eleven. Does it taste like 2% half and half? Like what? That's a good question.

I would say an eggnog, nutmeg? No, eggnog's way sweet. It's more of a Like a cottage cheese Yeah Sounds like you were breastfeeding on a senior It's a cottage industry But yeah

Well seniors if they're always trying to live longer If they want to live longer Get some breast milk It shouldn't just be for babies How can they get all the good stuff But I think if you were to suckle on the teat Of a someone over over 80. I think you're sucking cottage cheese at that point. I think you're a that's curdled. I think the milk's curdled. Yeah, that's spoiled. Yeah. I don't think you're going to get that pop you got from junior. It's kind of like a woman's ovaries. After a certain age, those eggs are scrambled. Yeah, that's just a full moon over my hammie that got left out under the heat lamp and the Denny's closed about half an hour ago. Right, right. It's a real waffle house surprise.

Yeah, you're not going to be hopping after that. I hopped. So here's the dilemma. People are using the placenta. They're making it into pills. Yep. They're eating it as like a smoothie. Hmm.

Like, dude, why would you do that? Isn't it like the placenta's like, like, to give you an example. Like, that's like if you like, I forgot about the props. If you made like a like a, like a. Oh. Looks like me after that time of the, you know what. Like, if I'm placentaing this little toddler up. Yeah.

And you're going to like, oh, baby's just born, and daddy's like, oh, hey, my kid. It looks like an abortion went wrong. What? It's placenta. Oh, man. I'm just demonstrating. Good God. So you can suck baby milk and I can't lick placenta?

Well, ho do you? Hillary Clinton? You're going full andrina-crowing over here. I wonder if Jeffrey Dahmer had. babies just to make a nice dip. Well, he was a gay man. They can't make babies. But if you're eating, like, didn't he eat humans?

He did. Gay guys. Like, if you're going to eat placenta, why not just make placenta pops? Like, baby comes out, covered in, just like open the freezer, and then on a hot day just like, you know. Well, I think it's hard to come by, you know? You've got to make

a baby to get placenta. And then it comes out once with the baby and that's it. So, well, this isn't bad. Oh, God. Placenta pop. That was my ex-girlfriend's name. She was black. Dude, why are you so disgusted?

Did you not watch the birth of your own child? A little Adolf? A little, but we did a C-sect. No way, so you gave birth up in the baseball diamond? That's what I call the view, the C-section. Oh, wow. Wait, so you were there when your baby came out? Yes.

But you cut it out. I didn't. They did. And you watched them in, like, almost, I got to say, like a Thanksgiving turkey, they cut into her stomach. Yep. And then, like, that scene from the thing, they pulled her open. Yeah, like alien. And then someone reached in and pulled out the placenta pop.

Like Lion King. Ah, da, yeah, da, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, sorry. Oh, man. Jeez. Oh, God. Anyone else hard?

No, it's a placenta pop. I know, but placenta, it's very valuable. Well, why do you think I'm eating it? I guess so. That's how you keep living, even after all the tequitos you eat. Jeez, Christina. So when the baby first popped out of her stomach, was it the face or was it the feet? They get it out like that, like flat.

Let's see? So it's like this. So this is the stomach. They go like that. And they hold it up, and then they go. cut, cut, cut, they circumcise that puppy. They circumcise it right then and there? Oh, no, that was the ambilical cord.

They did. Yeah. Circumcised it was later. I did it myself with a fingernail clip. No way. Yeah, it was easy. He's got a tiny hog. So you didn't hold up the baby, but the doctor's dead.

Yeah. I can't touch that thing. What are you crazy? How long before you, because the mother's right away, right? They could put the baby on my breast, right? Yeah. But how long till you held your own infant? They take it over, they cut the um-bill, they give it a wipe-down because he's covered in all kinds of marshmallow cream.

Well, that's why you can just do this. Oh, God. What the... Why are you burping? I'm the one licking the baby. That's true. He should be burping. He's a baby.

Yeah. There we go. Oh, okay. Oh! This is child abuse. I'm called CPS. I'm calling CBS. I'm calling CBS.

That's a reality show. Burp the baby this season. It's called Not Survivor. Nazi Survivor. It's a little hate off. Yeah, so they clean it off, then they hand it to me. I hold it, and I go, holy hell, this is crazy. And she's all drugged up.

So I had to show her the baby. She can't hold it yet. So you had your, she gave birth a Burning Man? Yeah, yeah. Wow. That's what I call my urethra. Whoa. What's what I call my Franklin?

That's what I call the Malibu Whoa That's what I call my Tahoe That's what I call That LaGuardia flight It just caught on fire Oh the one that hit the Air Canada jet Yeah

Is that what it was? Yeah it hit a fire truck Yeah that was it Yeah at what point should Vehicles land vehicles Be driving around On active runways Where giant aircraft

taking off. And it's ironic because you hit the one truck you need to put the thing. It's like getting run over by an ambulance. Yeah. Basically, they ran over an ambulance. Yeah. We got a war with Iran. We're blowing our own shit up. Dude, suck my giant

cube. Although we did blow up a school over there, apparently. When? Last week. What? In Iran? Yeah, we did it on accident. We thought it was a military base. No way. Yeah, so even overseas, we're shooting schools. What kind of school?

Whatever kids go to, high school. But was it all boys, all girls, co-ed? Was it high school? Kindergarten, boarding school. There's so many different schools. You know... School of fish. Like, what? Do we know what it was? I don't. I know that they got men and women are different over there. So maybe it was just men. What do you mean they're different? Well, I think they got different laws than we do about gender. Oh.

You know, I think in the Middle East, they have the most trans people of all time, because they'd rather become a woman than go gay. Really? Give it a good... Wait, say that again? So they don't want you to be gay over there. In the Middle East? Certain parts, yeah.

Okay. So they'd rather you go become a woman, so then it's still heterosex. So what if you become a woman, but then suddenly you're hot into chicks and you're a lesbian? That's no good. Well, then it's all redundant. Now you're gay again. Yeah. So you go from being gay to a woman to being gay.

That's like a gay slinky going down the colored rainbow. That's a gayception. Yeah. Too many layers. Speaking of layers, my God. Your little baby. Yep. You go into the world of stand-up comedy.

Would you want your kid to go down? Daddy's Road. Would you want your kid to enter into this world of... Nah. Oh, wow. See, that's a big statement. Why? Well, it takes a lot of failure.

It takes a lot of grit. You've got to eat shit for 12 years. But isn't that good for a kid's constitution? Like, isn't that character building? Isn't that... I guess, but I don't know. I'd rather him do something more stable. I worry about the little tyke.

I don't want him getting hurt. There's a lot of pain and stand up. What pain did you incur? Well, I mean, just bombing for decades. Yeah, but that's just kind of part of the journey, right? Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not like you were mentally or physically disabled by the pain, were you? No, well, you know, you get some sad nights and I drank to kind of, you know, suppress the pain.

But couldn't you drink being a truck driver? That's a good point. Well, not on the job. I'm starting to wonder if you're jealous of your kid's sense of humor because you're really trying to push him away from doing what you do. I'm hoping for OnlyFans. I'm hoping that you'd stop being so competitive with your own boy. Maybe you're right.

What's wrong with you? You know, Steve Martin's dad hated him, and he told him years later, he said, I was jealous of you. Maybe that's me. It's happening now. First you drink his breast milk. Yeah. Tried to starve Adolf.

And now you're... You won't let him go down the very path that you chose that produced life because you met his mother at a stand-up show. That's right. So how dare you deprive your boy, not even a year and a half old, from pursuing all the glory that you attained? How dare you?

This is child abuse, my guy. Hey, you just threw a baby off a counter. Can you grab it so we can do it again? You're like the Bachelorette. Have you seen her? The bastard, Alette. grab my baby grab my placenta child

there you go look at the head on that horse god damn Rosemary's baby yeah good God but wait I'm not satisfied I think that's selfish

that you're not wanting your kid you're throwing up all your sort of deflections maybe you're right maybe you're right why won't you let your boy do you've got to be proud

of your accomplishment you just put out a a Netflix special can we get one more joke real quickly from the special? I was trying to think of a quick, quick joke here. You know, marriage, I'm married, and marriage is a lot like the military. You know, every day I feel like I'm in Nam.

And my friend was, I was talking, I was yelling at my wife, my friend goes, hey, why are you talking to her like that? I was like, you weren't fucking there, man. I fucked up to the setup. I like it. I like it. All right. Okay, so you, what about the kid? Would you be jealous if your kid, like, you, you, Now you're a little older. You're Mark Norman, seasoned.

You're on your 10th Netflix special. You're sitting at dinner. Your boy is 17. Yeah. And you say something like, hey, son, pass the salt. And he's like, why don't you pass a kidney stone? Oh. And suddenly he's like, is there a jealousy starting?

Maybe you're right. I think it's more that so few make it in this biz. But wouldn't that be incentivizing to see your book? boy conquer? It's like how many people's parents want their kid to get into the NFL or the Olympics? Yes. And they know the work and the pain and the struggle, but then when they get there, look how proud old risky business eyes would be. Yeah, I guess you're right. Look, he can do whatever the hell he wants, but I just... Why am I fighting harder for your kid than you are? Well, I'll fight harder. Get into something stable. This business could go away tomorrow.

Has humor ever gone away? Humor is not, but comedians have. Think about what survived the Great Depression. Jews? Yeah. All right. Entertainment. Ah.

It ain't going nowhere. If your son can make people laugh and he's talented, and you might be stuck with a dilemma, my guy. Maybe you're right. Because you're talented. Oh, thanks. And we talked earlier about the Dementoids, the crack babies inherently having the DNA of the Dementoid.

So Adolf might inherently be wired to be funny as hell like Daddy Spy versus Spy Face over here. Well, look who's talking there, Dickless. You don't even have a kid. You're a funny guy. I do have a kid and my kid's hilarious, but he does mostly physical comedy. I think your water just broke. There it was. But, dude, I think, you know, I'm, look, I'm saying this as a supportive friend and a guy who believes in you as a family man. I appreciate it. I'm saying maybe let's not squash Junior's dreams of being a stand-up this early on.

I mean, the breast milk's not even dry around his little Adolf lips. No, mine either. Maybe you're right. I guess I wish you were my dad. Maybe I am. Oh, my God. Now go to your room right now. your Swiss roll. Is that why you were slapping my ass earlier?

That's why I want you to suck my breast milk. Bring it on and you've got to shave a little. Okay, so I get it. You're playing kind of the conservative safe dad. Everyone wants the best safe pathway for their kid. Exactly. Okay, so following that trail, I want to join the military. You do. No, no, whatever. What's safe for your boy, what makes you go, okay, I'm gonna be fine. My kid's doing what? Well, the earth, the world keeps changing. So I would say something with AI.

Figure that shit out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because that's the future. And by the way, that could make him funny without him having to tap into your DNA. That's true, yeah. DNA gets replaced by AI, which is one less letter. DNA. No, thanks, I'm busy.

Yeah, LGBT. Okay. Chew you. Hey. Chew the music. Chew the Swiss roll. I'll keep those away from them, I'll tell you that. Really?

No twinkie around my twink. You don't want your boy yodling in the middle of the night. No, God, no, it's too loud. I'm trying to sleep here. Well, okay, daughter. Let's say hypothetically the next one's a daughter. That's the hope. What are the trepidations and the dreams for the daughter?

Because clearly your son has been blocked. from the stand-up world. All right, daughter, maybe go into something clerical, you know, like a writer. A psychic? That's clairvoyant. Oh. Another black chick I dated. Oh, wow, you dated a lot of black girls.

I guess so. How many? How many weigh-ins are there? Well, I think four of them are guys. That was a rough summer. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Scary Movie 9. Yeah, white chicks, ironically.

Hey, Scary Movie 6, I heard the trailer was the most viewed trailer in history. No way. So people want comedy. Hell yeah, they do. That's why they're not watching this. Yeah, this ain't comedy. Oh, I'm just kidding. This is just family talk.

Yeah, that's right. This might as well be Oprah. Or opera. Do you know how to sing opera? Oh, the hills are alive. with the sound of a... Maybe that's where yodeling came from. Oh, maybe.

We're broodling. So do that again. The hills are alive and then all add the yodeling and then it'll all make sense. Go. The hills are alive with the sound. Yo-l-l-l-l-l-lo-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-lelele.

Wow, ironically, you sound like you're getting Swiss-rolled. Yeah, dude. Holy moly. Wow, we figured it out. We did it. Well, you're good at that. Yeah. Switching geared, by the way, I'm so sorry that it's so hot in here.

I haven't noticed the sweat. You're doing fine. You look a little sweaty yourself. Oh, jeez. You're a little hot, aren't you? No, I'm a little hot. All right. Okay.

I mean, it's not like two guys could just pop into a shower. That's true. It's like a sauna in here. Have you ever been in a shower with a guy? Yeah. What to talk to me? Well, I guess it was high school. We had to shower together after Jim.

His name was Jim? Yeah. Jim peed all over us, so we all had to shower. Wait, what? You had to shower with guys? Yeah, we had a big communal. Everybody gets in there. Wow.

So there was a priest in there? Yeah. Unfortunately. But no, it was a big communal shower. We all shared one spigot. Or Swiss roll. Yeah. That's whatever you want to call it.

Sure. Dude, how many guys were in there? Dude, I don't know, eight, ten. Dude, that's called an orgy where I come from. Wow. It was fun. I could never shower with another guy. What?

You would? That's what we said yesterday. You would? I did. But would you again? No. No. Me neither.

No, I had a nice. hog back then it was in the prime of its life you'd you'd have to pay me a million dollars to get into a shower with another guy a million that seems high what would you do it for uh i don't know a twinkie i told you was hot in there yeah what doesn't that we're breaking again we get a baby shower oh wow did you have a baby shower for your kid i think so oh i need some shower head here uh wait what did you mean by shower house Dublin. Ooh, a lupa.

No thanks, I'm busy. Did you believe in life after love? Oh, thank you, Dad. Yeah, boy, the back knee is wild. Oh, what, they go on the lower. They have some fruit on the bottom. Ah. If you believe.

Hold on. Why is the water getting warm on my leg? Oh, sorry. Roll the shower. Oh. Docee, dog. Oh, all right. Oh, I got a fart cooking.

Ah, dude! Oh boy, we're gonna really hotbox this thing. You can't fart in a shower, bro. Ah, your glasses are a bit dirty, can we? Sure. Oh, hey, like a homeless guy on puts it. A home-o what? You're hogging all the water.

Sorry, sirs the meat. Oh, man, that's good stuff. Hey, before you go, mm-hmm. It wasn't gay until now. Yeah. Happy little funk. Oh, golly. Wow.

Oh, that was a hot shower. It felt good. Yeah? You were okay with it? Very good. I was a little like weird at first about doing it, but then once we were in there, it felt all right. Yeah. Yeah, it was good.

Refreshing. I don't feel hot anymore. No, no. And you're married? You have a kid? It was just a shower. Just a shower. Two guys in a shower.

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get your Hems and let's get rid of that E.D. Talk to me about this. A very, very. Terriaki sauce guy, go. That's a black chick I did it,

Terriaki. Oh, wow. Another one. Yeah. Terriaki Wands? Wow, the adopted Asian one. That's what they do is the UFC. They have a way in.

What is that? What's this about? You trying to get diversity on the show? No, I just thought, you know, I've never, we've never had a chance to talk about terriaki sauce. Oh, I love terriarchy sauce. Well, let's see. Yeah.

So what I'm trying to do is, what I do on my podcast is I try to bring up topics that interests people that they're passionate about. Sure. And you used one word, love. And so I figured there's got to be a terriaki conversation. Yeah, you nailed it. I love terriarchy. I love the flavor.

I love the dishes. Terriaki chicken. The other thing. When was the last time you had terriarchy? Like, guy. Oh, like a week ago. I'm a fan. See?

My wife will do a terriarchy glaze. Okay. Yeah, the male glaze. Where was it? On a salmon. Dude. Oh, yeah. You know, Sam?

I know. Yeah, so I did a glaze on that And my wife's a hell of a cook So she'll throw a little of that all over stuff Oh, dude, I love that Okay, well that's, I just wanted to sort of touch, Have a terriaki touch base So let me get this straight

Before the pod, I guess you just look around the apartment and go This could be something No, no, I asked Amber to go out and buy this Oh my God, that poor lady Well, I knew I wanted to have a terriaki conversation with you Okay, okay You seem mad about it No, no, I like terriaki.

I just didn't know where it came from. I know, but you seem agitated. You seem like you're kind of giving me some pushback. No, we can talk to terriarchy all day. I know, but you don't seem like engaged. You seem sort of annoyed and angry. I don't know. What, did you find it in your closet?

I'm just trying to, well, I can't two guys have a, like a terriarchy talk. You're right. You're right. This is Asian barbecue sauce, basically. I know. All right. I just don't know if I like all the blowback I'm getting. I don't know.

I'm a fan of terriarchy. I'm sorry for the blow. But why were you getting kind of edgy there? I just felt like we were cooking, then you brought in yaki. But you don't think two guys can have a terriaki talk? Like, what's going on with you? You're a dad.

Well, it just came out of nowhere. If you're organically getting some yacky yacking, it works. But this is just a rando. You surprised me with the yak. Okay, let me, can I paint a hypothetical for you there, Starbucks guys? Yeah, paint a hype.

Your dad now. That's right. Your son hits adolescence. He's 18. You lent him the Corvette Stingery. You told him to behave himself, be home by midnight. He wanders in at one in the morning. You're sitting on your lazy boy with cigar, some sour cream and onion pringles. You're clearly not happy. You got your wife beat her on. Love it. It might even be a mustard stain. Bring it up. He walks in and you say, son, how do you feel about terriaki? So is this like an alcohol test? It's just a terriaki talk with your boy. All right, all right. I go, hey, what do you think of terriaki?

And then he goes, where's this coming from? Right. And I go, I got to know where you're at on terriac. Right. And then he says, I like it. And I say, all right, you passed the test. And then I don't beat him. Okay.

Will you beat as a kid? You looked like you were. No, no. Believe it, other kids beat me up, but not my parents. Your dad had to have taken a couple of shots. Look at you. I wish. It would have helped me get right.

Would you have run away from home if your old man went at you? No, I didn't have any money. I would have fought back maybe. Really? Well, I hit my mom. That's a fear of fight. Yeah. Right.

It's sort of like the tri-end, the deflection. There you go. Because you're too young to be able to probably physically take on your dad. Yes, yes. But he hits you and your impulse goes, okay, how do I retellate it without getting hurt? Right. There's your mom.

Yes. Boom. Boom. Hit her right in the kisser. And then where does the mum like transfer that energy? Maybe to the nanny. Oh, okay. So you hit a nice brown lady.

So now everybody's even. A brown lady? Nanny. She's brown? Yeah. Brown as in African American, Native American, Indian, Mexican. Well, my nanny now is Gaia knees. No way.

She's just an old lady? No, she's young, but Guyanae sounds like gay language. Yeah. I don't speak Gaianese. Guy on his knees. Oh, that too. Guy on knees. Guy on knees.

That's really gay. Wow, well, we are in Hollywood. What about your other nanny, bent over bench? What is that Dutch? Yeah. Okay. Well, what do you think about Tariaki? Well, I like it.

I'm glad you brought it up. Let me bring it back. I think it's a nice seasoning, a nice flavor, and I just, you know, I'm just more about, yeah, it's a sauce. Yeah. But to me, it's more about two guys being engaged talking about terriaki sauce.

I don't want to get married. No, you're married. I'm not, this isn't a come on. You said gay, it don't come on me yet. No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying, I like it that two grown men can have engaged in a terriac. That's all I was trying to accomplish.

Oh, well, I think we got something out of it. Yeah, I think it was a little tumultuous at the beginning. Sure, that was another chick I dated. Oh, wow, one of the Wayans? Yeah, different gal. Okay. But wow, okay, good to know. Thank you for bringing that up, and next time I'll be a little more open-minded.

Okay, thank you for being open-minded. And speaking of sort of the masculinity of a dad, And don't take this the wrong way We haven't known each other a long time Sure And I could be way off and I apologize Lay it on me I don't know if I see you as sort of an outdoorsy

Camping Fishing hunting guy I'll do a little fish Okay No no camp Why That's just that fun I'm a city kid

I grew up in the city I don't want to go out in the tent Yeah that's what I kind of picked off on you that you're more of a city guy. Yeah, yeah, tent is annoying, especially if you're homeless. I see a lot out here. Yeah. But, yeah, the fishing I could do, but then you get to go home and have a, you know,

a cupcake. Yeah. So the camping sucks. Outdoors is not for me. I'm not a hunter, Biden. Yeah, you're not Hunter Biden, although you look like him a bit with those classes on. Well, I've never done blow. gotten a hooker, so we're not that similar.

Oh, God. Wait, what have you fished for? Compliments. Oh, wow. Yeah, no. What bar? Guy on knees. Yeah, yeah.

So I fished for whatever the hell. Whatever bites is what I eat. Okay. It's kind of like women. Yeah, yeah. Back in the day. I don't picture you being a guy that likes the idea of wiping your arse with a leave out in the world.

No, no, I'm more of a Charmin man. Yeah. Yeah. What about you? You like the hunt? I don't like hunting. Red October? Because hunting is, it's too, like, if you look at a moose or a bear, they have like one cub or one calf or maybe two in a season.

Whereas a fish will lay 200,000 eggs. One fish will lay 40,000 eggs. Good point. So if I remove a fish from the ecosystem, I don't feel like I'm deleting it or diminishing it as much as if you take a bear cob that grows up and it took like years and months for the mother to raise it. Yeah. They have territories and so there's not as many. Right. And plus I don't like the idea.

With a fish, they're deciding to take the bait. Oh, that's good. But with hunting, you're stalking them and removing, they're just standing there eating and suddenly a. A Smith and Wesson goes through their cranium. Sure, sure. That's a great point. I never thought of it that way, where the fish goes for the hook. Yeah, the fish is the one ultimately making the decision to kill itself and be eating.

Well, he doesn't eat him. By that logic, if you put a trap out and a deer walks into it, you're cool with that. What was that? Sorry. Don't you usually fart? Yeah, it's coming out the front. What's going on? Was it the maybe it's the fruit on the bottom?

Oh, the bottom's clogged. Yeah. It's coming up top now. Because usually you crack like a greasy one. I'm trying to. I got nothing in the chamber. Because you didn't eat today. That's what it is.

Ooh, what if you did like a fruit out of the bottom? Oh, no. That's more of a chocolate. What's the rankiest, stinkiest fart you think you ever blasted in your life? Do you remember it? I do. One time I was on a flight. And you know, you let them rip throughout the flight.

You crop dust like a terrorist. And you stink up the plane. But one time I was in first class, randomly, got upgraded and I just I went to that lounge that airport lounge the food in there is yeah

and I think I had some terriaki and I farted and man oh man they almost circled back and brought the plane down. Is that right? Yeah it was at LaGuardia we hit a fire truck Wow cute noise

do you remember what the concoction was the ingredients that built that mushroom cloud of hell I was hungover I had a bunch of food at the lounge and I had a bloody Mary which I think is the name of your kid

down there and then I had some food and I must have just shot out a real miscarriage because that thing I just leaked it out like and I was like that'll be nothing that was just a cute little squeaker

and man I mean everybody was taking the the first aide thing and putting their nose in it. What? Yeah, it was bad. Did they track it to you? I think so, because I was sweating. I was like you on a podcast.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was sweating and I was trying to act normal. I was like pretending to read. The book was upside down. It was the Koran. I blew it. Okay, so the passenger sitting beside you, tell me what was going on with them

because they must have known it was you. I think he knew. He was a big fat guy. Oh, that's great. You can blame me. I was doing that thing. Like when I used to wet the bed, I'd be like, what'd you do, bitch?

But yeah, I kind of leaned over towards that guy, but everybody knew, because he had his face in the safety brochure. Did you really go like that? I was doing like a neck tilt. Isn't it sad the blame that fat people have to shoulder in society? That's true.

Yeah, fat people, I never thought about that. It's like, you'd do like the most vile Hiroshima a mustard gas that ever existed. And everyone's right away going to divert to old KFC Wally over here. Wow. Yeah, yeah. But everybody knew it was me. I think my face was red and I still had food on my cheeks.

Placentos. Yeah, yeah, that was me. So I got busted hard. Oh, dude. Yeah, I've never rid on a flight where they opened a window before. That's how bad it was. They crack the safety door. Speaking of food.

Yes. Have you ordered from those little robots that roll around? No, I've seen them. You've seen them, right? You want to kick them, don't you? Yeah, they're those little cute things. Yeah, I tried to ride one. You did?

Yeah, it didn't let me. Well, here's what I want to propose, because you and I, we have to get a lot of town cars, right? To get to the airport. I'm not going to marry you. You're not? You want to engage, then you're proposing. What if I'm Guyanese? That sweetens a deal.

You can do that now out here, right? Gay marriage? I think you can do it in the whole country, can you? Oh, hey, boy. Wait, where do you live? I'm down in Puerto Rico. You're in the no-gay zone or something? Didn't they legalize gay marriage like 10 years ago or something?

Yeah, I'm a little behind. I still get there you are. the USA Today. But the little food trucks that roll around, right? So me and you being comedians and soon your son, we have to spend like, I don't know what it is in New York, but from your front door to the airport, what's like a black town car?

Oh, man, probably a Hyundai. Oh, that's all? Maybe 150. Well, Blacktown might be 150. Wow. In L.A., they're like 170. You live far. Yeah.

You're out here and you're up in the hills. It's a while to get there. So what happens is these little food delivery robots, they're flat. And I have a deli down at the bottom of my street. Oh, shit. So what I do is I order a sandwich to the airport. And I sit on these little robots and get a ride out. there for $7.99 on the Pastramian Rye Express.

That's great. Isn't that wild? That's a genius idea. I mean, if you're Brad Williams, you can go all the way to Toledo. Yeah, man. Wow. I mean, instead of like 170 on a damn limo to the airport, right, you can get like the, you know, the chicken catchetory Express.

The only problem is you've got to leave three days early because that thing is going about a half a mile an hour. That's true. That's true. But, hey, still. Have you got the time? Bring a phone, bring a laptop, get some work done. Yeah.

God. That's a great idea, though. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. You're on to something there. I'm on to fucking Swiss yodling. What about a rickshaw? Could I bring that? Oh, rickshaw.

I should bring that back. A rickshaw. That was a guy who sold you the terriaki. Rickshaw. Yeah, yeah, those, that's got to be really expensive. Buddy, unbelievable. Yeah. Was there an Uber with horses?

What? You know, like, if you didn't have a horse in the old days, could you get a horse cab, like an Uber? Oh, wow. You know, if you don't have what, you couldn't afford a horse, but you had to get to the store. Yeah. Of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a very good question. Interesting. Huh. Yeah, give that a good. Call in, if you know. An Uber, yeah. But everyone had a horse, didn't they? I don't know if everyone, I mean, everybody, it was poverty in every time period.

Couldn't afford a horse unless you go catch one. But that ain't easy. Yeah. Yeah, then you wonder, when cars came in, horses became a little less necessary, obviously. Now, were there old horses yelling at their young horse, like back in my day, we didn't have cars. So we had to do all the heavy lifting. Now you got cars. You're off the hook.

Well, what I don't get is there were wide. Wild horse was like Mustangs and Pintoes that existed out in nature. Yeah, and a Bronco, all cars. Right. But where in nature in any catalogued Autobahn like nature book or film footage or documentation from, you know, what's his face? Who's the guy that did the Galapagos Islands? The evolutionist. Darwin.

Darwin. Where have you ever seen a wild. I think they're all wild. But have you ever seen, is there any old document of a wolf pulling down a Guernsey or a black Angus? Oh, right.

Like where did they, like horses you see, they're still wild horses. Right. You're never out hunting and you see like a Guernsey go by or a heifer. That's a good point. Like where did all the, and they're big animals.

They were heard of like buffalo and bison. There were millions upon millions across the Great Plains. Yes. Do you ever see one? black and white spotted cow. That's a great point. I guess they all got eaten.

We probably saved them. Ironically, I mean, we're eating them for dinner. But what's the, where's the source? Like you just said it earlier. Like dogs came from wolves. Yeah. Domestic horses came from Mustangs. Yeah.

Where's Elsa the fucking milk cow? Where'd she come from? Bluebell over here. And how did she survive in nature with wolves and tigers and bears standing around? Oh, my. I think if anything, the aliens buzzed down here where like cows.

Wow, you're blowing my mind there, sloppy jalopy. Right? This is big. This is huge. Were there wild cows? Well, have you ever seen any photograph or documentation? And look at all the species of... That was a cow.

That was a wild cow. That was a Louis Armstrong. Wow. Hope that picked up. Oh, that's worse than your way. Yeah, that's an airplane. Oh, good, golly. Oh, God, I see trees of brown, skin marks of black.

Yeah, that's my middle name. I'm going to puke, and I ain't coming back. Wow. Is my baby okay? You just farted all over my kid. His eyes were open, now they're closed. He's the goner. Oh, God.

But Wild Cow. I'm going to Google that later. Like, I've never seen a picture of, one. No. In any country, by the way. Right. Like in Scotland, they got the Scottish Highlanders and you've got yaks.

Oh. But where did all these domestic cow species come from? Maybe a buffalo fucked a fat chick. I don't know where they got made. That's what I mean. They're a mystery, my guy. Bovine? No, thanks.

I'm busy. Like, why isn't that a Nancy Drew or a Hardy Boy mystery? Yeah, I'm a Hardy Boy. Excuse you? Nothing. Buddy, I want to bring us down to our final segment. Ooh, don't clog things up. Remember this one, words from a wooden shoe.

Oh, yeah. You reach in, you pull out a word. All right. And see if it triggers a story from your incredible journey. Okay. Don't forget your son's going to watch this one day. Sports fail. Oh.

Hmm. Yeah. I didn't play a lot of stuff. sports. Could be you, a friend, could be something you saw, could be, I mean, any related story that happened in your fabulous Terriaki journey.

All right, all right. Well, I had a friend, I used to skateboard. That was big in my life. I skateboarded for years. Yeah. And I had a friend, jump on a board, the board popped up, hit him in the mouth, knocked his tooth out. So the whole thing happened, gushing blood.

We had to erase him to the dentist. Oh, wow. And we put the tooth in milk to preserve it. Breast milk? Or regular? It was breast milk. That would have been a hell of a tooth, but it was regular. Why would, because of the calcium? Yeah, we didn't know what we were doing. That's like, that's not real science.

Even the dentist was like, that was a waste of time. Yeah. Now it smells like milk in my office. Yeah. Harvey Milk. So you actually thought by putting the tooth in milk it would preserve it? We were like 11, 13. And was it the front tooth?

It was the cane? Oh, the canine. The dog, yeah. Oh, wow. Rintin tin, tin, ridden tooth. And did the guy get it fixed, or did he leave the gap? No, he got it in. We weren't at the gap.

We were at H&M, but he got it fixed. They put that puppy right back in there. Same day. No way. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yes. Stitched?

I guess. Lilo and Stitch. What's the biggest move you've ever made on a skateboard? Oh, now I'm picturing you like boarding. I was pretty good. I could do 360 flip. I could do it downstairs. I was a king of the backflip.

Whoa. 180. Really? Not a backflip. That's what you call it a trick. Yeah. 180 backside kickflip. I could do a kickflip, nose slide, shove it out.

I don't know how well you know skateboard terms. You sure these are skateboard terms? Maybe a little guy in these. I don't know. But yeah, I was all right in my day. Wow, dude. What did you play? hockey. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Hockey guy. Racquetball, tennis, badminton.

We just beat your ass in the Olympics. I know. Men and women. But we did it the years before. That's true. So I wasn't too sad because I like to see it get spread around. I like that too. Yeah. I always want your home country to win it, but Canada's won so many times. It's like, I'm cool with seeing someone else. If your country wins it all the time, to be honest, it gets boring. That's a good point. And you feel a bit, even by association, you feel a little bit like sort of braggadocious and like it's, you know, you want to celebrate your talent. But sometimes it's like, hey, give someone else a moment. I hear you. I hear you.

Because America will never do it again. Oh, we go, you're going to crazy conduct. I see what's happening here. Well, hey, you moved here. That's the ultimate win for us. Yeah. See? You don't even want no American moves to Canada.

Yeah. Unless you're Katie Perry. Yeah. Maybe I am. Maybe you are. You're Katie Terriaki. And you love me because you love terriaki.

I do. I do. I put it right in my mouth. Buddy, before we go, I want you to plug your brilliant special one more time. Folks, you got to check out Mark's special. It's killing it.

Check it out. And also tell them where they can see you go and do your stand-up. and your special and all that stuff, buddy. It's on Netflix right now called None Too Pleased. And give it a good, give it a like, give it a double like. And then you can see me all over the road. Marknomocami.combe.com.

Check out We Might Be Drunk and Tuesdays with Stories. You've been on We Might Be Drunk twice. I know, dude. What an honor. Thank you. And I've been on here twice. Yeah, this is your second time. Good to be back, baby.

Do you think this will be your last? Or would you come back again, do you think? I'm hoping it's the last. Yeah, we cut it. kind of. No, I'm just joking. No, of course I'll be back. I'll bring the kid.

No way. Yeah, you can lick his forehead. Can you grab my kid before we go? I'd like to lick his forehead before we. It's just a little bit still there before we. Oh, man, that's going to be a hell of a thumbnail. Yikes. This looks like a cult.

Cult 45. Thank you, folks. Thanks, buddy, folks. That's it for now. Until next time, chicken. Shao Maine, baby. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh.

You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized Harland