The Harland Highway - MARK SCHIFF crazy road stories, classic road women, classic jokes, and eeeekkk it's a mouse!!

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

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Do you know the 69 joke? Do you know that joke about a guy who goes to a prostitute? No, I think I'm about to hear it. Old guy, 80 years old, goes to a prostitute, and he says, okay, let's do this. She says, you want it to 69? He goes, I don't know what that is. I've never heard of that before. She goes, okay, and they get in the position, and she farts in his face.

And he goes, I don't think I can take 68 more of those. I can't take 68 more of those. Can't take 68 more. Who could you? You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. So we're really doing this, huh? I mean, this is for real, this is happening?

This is being... Oh, those are the Rubik's headphones. Yeah. If you figure them out within 10 minutes, you get to be on my podcast. What's the or? Uh, retard. Mm-hmm. And the L?

Well, I think you know. Were you opposed? No. Lice? No. Let's go. L is for let's go, retard. Lecivius.

Was he a Roman god? He was he a Roman numeral. Was he, really? Which one? He was Ivy. Oh, so the Super Bowl? He was the Super Bowl God? Oh, the Ivy God.

Oh, wow. He was Ivy. Oh, what university did he go to? Was the Ivy League? University of Blitiba. Wow, the Greek one. Are you okay? Oh, yeah.

Do you want to? Yeah, no, this is good. Are you sure? I want you to be comfortable, my guy. I can hear you. Which, are I supposed to? Hey, cheers. Okay.

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, second time here has the courage. Mark Schiff, comedian, writer, author, belly dancer. Wow. And welcome to the Hall of Highway podcast here at the Hall and Highway Studio. And Mark, so glad you're back, buddy. I love you. I love you too, buddy, and I love your studio.

You've done nothing with it since the last time I was here. True that. True dat. Yeah, absolutely the same. Do you ever do that? Do you ever speak in, is it Ubonix? Yeah. I just did a true dat at you.

Do you ever? Ebonics or Ubonix? Well, see, that's the thing when it's so slang, you don't know. Right. Maybe it's a Buick, like a car. Do you have something to do with black people? Black community has their own type of patter or is it. Maybe it's called ebonics or eubonics.

Like, because I said true dat. Yeah. And is that eubonics or ebonics? It could be, but, you know, I, uh, bone air. Ah, you look, if you're getting aroused, that's your problem. No, no, it's a, uh, I thought you said you had a bone, bon air. Bon air. Yeah, geez, dude.

Wow. Settle down. Uh, uh, welcome, buddy. This is fantastic. Seriously. Do you have to go? Uh, no. Okay.

Good. But I'll let you know. Okay. Because I feel like I see some in your eyes like I want to get the hell out of here. So let me tell you where I was. Okay. Unless you want to tell me. No, please.

Let's hear this. Last week I was in Nashville, Tennessee. Oh, yeah. And New Orleans. You were in two places at once? No, two places in two days. Okay. You didn't make that clear.

I thought maybe you were some kind of mystic. Okay. Sorry. Have you been to New Orleans? Yes. Okay. Have you been to Nashville? Yes.

You know Broadway where those buses go with... So now we're in New York? No, no. You said Broadway, my God. In Nashville, they have that strip where the drunk people go on those buses. They drive them around, they drink, and they pedal on. Oh, like a party. It's like a traveling bar.

Yes. But it's the human power that keeps it going. Yeah, they pedal and they're drinking, they're drunk at 10 in the morning. Wow. So they hit a crow? No, but they're drunk out of their minds. And I stopped drinking many years ago. Oh, God, you look a little dehydrated.

When I saw them, I thought, I quit too soon. Yeah, is it fun? Yeah, I mean, I was nowhere near what these people were like. Yeah. I still had a lot to go. So if you were still a drinker, you would do that, you'd get on a party bike? No, I couldn't get on it. Oh.

The way I drank, I couldn't even get on it. Oh, you'd be that inebriated. Yeah, yeah, I'd be undue. Just be like, watch it go by. Yeah, I did that one day. You know what I'd like to see if I can interject for one second? Interject. I would love to see on one of those bicycle bars completely hammered the wicked witch of the West.

Yes. I'll get you a vodka yet, my pretty. Isn't that dog of yours? That fucking dog too. Man, she hated dogs. She really did. So she was like one of those cat, You know, dude, she lived by herself with 40 cats.

Right. How bad do you have to hate dogs that you'll chase one into a spinning tornado? That's a dog hater. But it was a, he was brutal that, uh, Toto. Do you like the dogs? Pretty. Do you like them? I have, I have a dog similar to that dog.

What, to Toto? Yeah. Toto is a terrier. And I have a Yorkie. They are, Yorkies, my, my dog is four pounds. and they are bread to chase what? They're bread? Bread to chase.

Oh. They're breeding, you know, and they're breeding. Okay, I thought your dog had a yeast infection. No, no, no, no. So they're bread to chase, let me guess, rabbits or rodents? Ah, you got it. Because it has to be something small because a Yorkie's only about as big as a rodent.

Right, four pounds, they're bred to chase rats. You know what I'd like to see one of those Yorkies chase? because technically it's a rodent. I'd love to see your Yorkie chase down a fully grown capybera. Wow, we're an ant eater. Well, that's an ant eater's not a rodent. It isn't anymore. But a capy bearer is the biggest of the rodents living on the shores of the Amazon.

They're huge. Imagine your little schmunchkins or whatever his name is taking down a capy. I was down to the Amazon years ago. No way. What did you order? Nothing. I had the fillet of a mosquito. Oh, a tremendous amount of mosquitoes there.

I bet you've got it done raw. Yeah, bloody. Waiter, bring that mosquito bloody. So I was on a ship. Oh, wow. Going down Broadway? Going down the Amazon. Oh, wow.

I used to do cruises a thousand years ago. Wow. So we stop in this third world part of the Amazon. It's all third world country. There's a guy he's deathly ill. And it's going to be about five days till the ship gets to land somewhere. So they let him off. You didn't have to pay his parking ticket?

On a stretcher. Oh. They had the locals take him off on a stretcher, and this guy's screaming, don't leave me here! Ship got rid of him. Ship got rid of him. Really? He was sick, and they knew he probably wouldn't live another couple of days.

What do you have? Some attack. I think it was like a heart thing, and they couldn't go anywhere. There was no place to go for days. It's sort of like the mindset when you go up the Everest. And if you get distressed or you become stranded, they're like, we don't have the utilities to aid you. And they literally walk past you and let you die.

Because it's sort of that type of mindset? That's exactly it. They had to get dumped a guy. By the way, with Everest, I just saw a documentary from 1976. Oh, here we go. The Academy Award, I got a Japanese gentleman. Yeah. Do you know this one?

I think so. He climbed Everest. Yeah, and he was gay. When he got to the top he was Wow, it is a pointy top Yeah, when you get to finally get to the top You better make a decision Yeah, better do some stretching too

But they had lost like five people on that journey They fell into the crack Wow, what was their name? Well, they were Japanese, so I don't want to, yeah But they fell into the, you know, the crack Yeah, I think we've all experienced the crack Yeah, the crack There's one in every high school

Every high school there's a crack I fell into mine out in the smoking lounge. Wow. And then almost twice in the cafeteria. I suppose you could see it there. I know. bizarre. Just followed the smoke.

So they fell into the crack. Yeah. And they kept going. They kept going in the crack? No, no. They jumped over. The five guys fell. An avalanche came, knocked them all into the crack.

Wow. And everyone else just kept going. Everyone else goes, they were in the crack. Let's go. We've got to make the top of this thing. Wow. And they left them in the crack. Would you, Mark Schiff?

Yeah, I would be on it. You'd let them go. You'd walk on by. Walk on by. Imagine they all started singing that as they passed the crack. And they're all in unison. Walk on by. And they're like, help, help.

Walk on by. Wow, would you? There was nothing they could do for them. So you're saying you would walk on by? If they fell into the crack, and I was on the thing, and they were covered with 100 million pounds of snow. Walk on by. What can you do?

Now, let me, it's a moral dilemma, but would it weigh on you for the rest of your life? Would you live with that guilt? No, because I didn't do it, but they all got in a circle after, and they did a little spiritual goodbye to them. Boy, that's always a big help. One of the guys that fell into the crack,

his son was there. I'm going to get your name this documentary you guys see this it's one of the best I've ever seen this and Martin Luther King documentary the two he fell into the crack no he jumped over the crack yeah he was good wow a lot of crack in his neighborhood yeah so anyway Nashville New Orleans down there yeah and you were on the bike and now let me ask this before we get back to Nashville I'm curious about the guy on your boat. Did you do anything to try and save him?

Or were you just like, float on by? My medical school, I only went from one hour. Oh, God. I really didn't have anything. So you probably just went up. Yeah, you're sick. Got to go. You cannot save everybody.

What do I have to do with this guy? I feel bad for him because I never forgot it. That's what I mean. It's weighing on your emotions, your motion. your morals. I told his wife, I'm sorry, get rid of his cabin, come stay with me. I put a cold compress on her head. We call that a tea bag where I come from. No, it was a washcloth with, you know, it soaked an ice. Well, our lady, she was dancing. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you're such a, like, what a giver. Yeah. And did your wife, how'd your wife feel about it? She's a, a big fan of my

extracurricular activities. Your marital, extramarital affairs? She is, she pushes me in that direction. Will she have a referee, like, let's say you're at a motel six in Bakersfield, you're jumping around covered in olive oil? Will she stand there with a, like, a foot locker referee striped shirt on with a whistle and sort of oversee your shenanigans? Well, that's a good question.

The answer is yes, but she needs a nature bar. Oh. So she has to go in the hotel down to the front desk. Yeah. The breakfast, you know. The nook, the breakfast, yeah. where we go down in the morning between 6 and 930 or 6 and 10 they got the nature bar yeah at the yogurt they got the hard-boiled eggs so a nature bar she can watch anything wow well i'll tell you at the

motel 6 where i go in baker's field they have a thing where right in the lobby it says breakfast in bed and i went up to my room and someone had barfed a french omelet all over my sheets looks the same as when they started really does and taste the same really it's not as warm but it's still you can the little speckles of onion and ham. If they can get it back up within 15 minutes, you wouldn't know the difference. Or if you lay on the bed on top of it and rub your legs together like a cricket

and make friction. Yeah. That omel will heat up for you. What's this? Spaceship. Yeah. You know, it's been so long since we've made spaceship noises together.

This feels really nice. Yeah. When was the last time we did it? Was it 74? 75 August 5th. On the boardwalk in Jersey? Yeah, about a mile from the Atlantic Hotel. Well, buddy, welcome to the Harland Highway Park,

because I never do this, but I'm going to hit the theme music twice because, wow. It's Mark Schiff, ladies and gentlemen. Love having the Schiff here. Did your friends, did your buddies call you the Schiff growing up, your high school buddies? So shifty, shiftless, shifter, shit. Oh, don't like that last one. No, that really...

But that was the gut kids that weren't really your friends or were, though, your close friends. I hated it more than you can hate anything. Oh, yeah, it's the worst. You know. Yeah, the shit. How about you, Harlan? Were they punkettoni? No, mine was Har.

My, still to this day, my close buddies call me Har. I get Harley Harley sometimes. Hardy Har Har Har Har every now and then, believe it or not, which is appropriate because sometimes I'm funny, I guess. Harp. Harp. Harp. No, I've never had that, although there was a girl I dated in the New York Philharmonic who called me harp.

Yeah. Yeah. She used to play my pubs at night and lull me to sleep. Yeah, yeah. She just pull them up and go, really musical groin area I have. I want to bring something back.

Years ago, Mark Schiff, the writer, let's step out of Mark Schiff, the comedian right now. Mark Schiff, the writer, calls me up out of the blue. He's writing a book. He goes, Harlan, I'm writing a book. I believe it was called Road Stories.

Yeah. And you asked, you were interviewing all these comics, asking them about one of their road stories it kind of was a standout moment or something weird or strange. I gave you a couple, but I always wondered this and I wanted to turn it around. What was one of yours? I should have asked you on the phone that day, but do you have one particular road story that

really, like, stood out? I'm sure you have dozens, but was there one that stood out above all the others that just stayed with you? Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, absolutely. Is there one you can recall that I don't know if it had something to do with a psychoface? or a malfunction on the stage or someone on the staff or a heckler? Was there, is there one?

Well, there were a lot of those. There was, um, well, I did have a heckler. Okay. One night at the comic strip in New York. Yeah. On 82nd and second. Have you ever been there? So this is, yeah, the strip.

Yeah, the doors in the back of the room, it's these, uh, one of those doors that swing, you know, they open and close, yeah. So these couple comes in, I'm on stage, it's Saturday night. Oh, God. And all of a sudden I hear, you know, funny. They didn't even, they weren't. in a foot yet. How did they know?

They do. You know, sometimes you know things in life. Okay. So I said, excuse me? And he goes, you're not funny. And they didn't have one sentence that I did. So I said, you know, generally when people do that is because they have a small penis. Whoa.

Well, this set them off. Comes towards the stage, goes, I'm going to kill you. Whoa. Jumps up on stage. I jump off stage. And he chases me for five blocks. Get out. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, he chased me for, I hit the nerve on the guy. You're that good of a runner? When someone's after me that's going to kill me, I'm 20% better than I usually have. How did he not catch it with having no penis? It should have, like, made his legs move faster. Yeah.

So that was one, Tim Allen, by the way, I'll tell you a great story. Wait, wait, before you go, I'm just, because, you know, I do comedy now and then. Yeah. Why didn't you just, like, run behind the security guards at the, comedy club there's no security because you're in the room there's nobody in their watch yeah you're remember this is in the 80s yeah no bouncer no security lucian hold oh i remember lucian yeah skinny guy yeah he's at the front desk checking people in letting you know so he was unaware and the guy

was coming after me i just ran out the front door he ran out after me wow that's crazy and what happened he just kind of ran out of breath and and and dropped off yeah he couldn't cast And then I didn't go back to the club for like a couple of days because I was... You must have just been running on adrenaline. It was incredible. Was that maybe like the fastest you've ever bolted, do you think? Except when my mother was coming after me with a... Shotgun?

A harp. Oh, wow. Your mother had harpies? Yeah. So, you know, Jimmy Brogan? Jimmy, yeah. So here's a road story that we did. Oh, God.

So Jimmy sleeps late. Okay. You know, 12, 1 in the afternoon. Wow, okay. I wish. We're in a hotel, and I used to do this to him all the time, and he absolutely hated it. So I would hang a sign on the door.

Well, he would put, do not disturb, I would take it off. Oh, God. And I would hang a sign on the door. I'm deaf. Please bang as hard as you can. And the cleaning lady would come and just start banging. Yeah. banging on the door.

Oh, I love it. And then he comes. What? And then he sees the sign. And then I would leave another sign. Did he know you put the sign? Of course he did. okay okay then i put another sign on this door i got a basket yeah right and i put it in front of his

door and i put a sign leave clothes to be laundered in this basket don't lose your mic you're drifting we've closed to be laundered in this you know people have their clothes they sit down for the day and come back yeah so he would open the door and there'd be like piles of clothing in front of his room there and jimmy's the most docile like quiet gentle like the fact that you said he came out and raised his voice. I can't picture him ever raising his voice. Well, he just opened him, What are you being?

Wow. Oh, I love it. Jimmy's, Jimmy was one of the best guys, or still is one of the best guys at crowd work you'll ever see. Incredible. Incredible.

I was with him a last two weeks ago. Oh, God. Lennow and. Yeah. Yeah, because he was Leno's booker for a while on the tonight show. He booked all the years. For years.

Comedians. Yeah. And he helped Jay write his monologues. And every night he was so funny. 10 p.m. Yeah. Until like one in the morning. Oh,

kind of jokes. Jimmy Brogan just so people can reference it. I don't know if there's footage of him on. He was one of those kind of great comedians that was in the shadows. He didn't really do TV or movies so much. He had spots, but he wasn't a household name, but just a great hilarious writer and so quick on his feet doing crowd work.

Incredible. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. So another one was the room next to me. I'm trying to get to sleep. It's like one of the morning I hear. You were masturbating? No, the room next to me.

So I give it a couple of minutes. I figure, you know. Yeah. So I called downstairs. I called the front desk. I said, listen, I can't sleep. The people next to me are going at it. And anyway, they said, if it continues, let us know.

What if it was a guy from the Amazon? on in the next room with his heart condition. Well, you don't know. Okay, sorry. I finally called him again. They came up, you opened the guy's door, and you guessed it. He's on a vent. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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Ventilator. Having sex, but he's on the ventilator. You saved it. Yeah, I did. I pulled it back. I ruined his joke. I stepped on his punchline, and then this is the pro that he is. He found a way out and made it funny with a brand new punchline instantly.

Mark should hang on. Go ahead. Wow. Wow. That punchline did not exist until 30 seconds ago. So aren't you glad? sort of pushed. Of course. Like I did, I apologize, I did step on it. That's okay. But the fact that you harvested something new out of it. And when you ever tell that joke, now, I think that's a fun,

I think that's a fun punchline. He was still having sex anyways. Do you imagine having sex with a ventilator? Yes. How could you 69 with that mask on your face? That is true, unless she's on one, too. Wow, then you could just swap them. Yeah, I'll go to yours, you go to mine. And then instead of putting them on the face you put them each on your no no do you know the 69 joke you know that joke about a guy goes to a prostitute no I think I'm about to hear it old guy 80 years old goes to a prostitute and he says so well okay let's do this she says you want a 69 he goes I don't know what that is I never heard of that before she goes okay and they get in the position and she farts in his face and he goes I don't think I can take 68 more of that

us. See? That's a good joke? I love that joke. That's a great joke. I love that. That is a great, great joke. I can't take 68 more of those.

I can't take 68 more. Who could you? No, I wouldn't even want one to be honest. But it could happen. Yeah, that would be. I think if that happened, albeit a mistake or an accident, I think I might not be able to be with that person again.

it would freak me out like i'd have memory recall like at any time would that freak you out or no i mean it's just a human function i know we all do it but when you're in the middle of erotic sex and someone does like a cracker barrel meatloaf fart in your face when you're in the middle yeah it's hard to come back there was a comedian in the valley that told the story oh uh he met this woman after the show and they went out uh they went to they went to they went out for food and the only thing open was Mexican. Okay. And they went out for Mexican food and he loves hot peppers. He loves him. He does? He loves hot peppers. Yeah. So he orders a little dish and he's eating them, you know, and they're eating and having a great time. And they get back to the room and they get

naked. Oh, God. Hang in, hang in. Oh, I'm here. They're in bed. And he starts fooling with her with his hand. Yeah. And she starts screaming like the most incredible erratic, Excacy he'd ever heard. Yeah. And then he realized it was the hot peppers that were on his hands. Oh, okay. And it just burned to the, he thought he was doing well. He thought he was having the time of it, that she was really into this.

She was burning to death. So the residue from the pepper was just. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it's like never get a blowy from a girl who just rinsed with Listerine. No. Yeah, that's just like radioactive.

And the last story, I think it was Tim Allen that told this one. Tim Allen from Home Improvement. Yeah. Yeah. He was on stage. Somebody's heckling him. Okay. He says, please, you know, he's going back and forth.

Please stop. The guy continues. He goes to, please stop. He says, if you don't stop, I'm coming down there. Heggles again. Gets off the stage, goes over to the guy, punches him in the face. Tim punched the guy? Yeah, knocked out a cup of teeth.

Wow. finds out it was the guy next to him that was heckling no yes so did he punch the other guy it's too late oh my god what the guy with no teeth do i guess he couldn't say anything you had no teeth well here in chamber i would just go to the extra man yeah wow i had nothing to do it i was just watching the show you farting that guy's face and the wind goes right to the back of his neck wow my story do you remember the story i told you you might because you interviewed 300 comedians you probably We don't remember mine. Tell me.

Mine wasn't so, you do? No. Mine wasn't so spectacular, but it was unique. Yes. Should I retell it for you? Please, 100,000 percent. Okay, it was a, I was doing a show in Minnesota at the Mall of America. They had a comedy club in there, this huge mall.

It's like, you know, I think it's the biggest mall in North America. Right. There's like five of every store. It's so they go to one section and then they have all the same stores. It's going to the next section. It's so big. They got the rides in the middle. They got a water park, a wave machine, a skating rink, a roller coaster.

What isn't there? And so I'm doing a show. I'm up on stage. I'm about halfway through. And I'm doing a bit. I'm in the middle of the bit. I haven't hit the punch line yet. I'm like, so I was at this door, blah, blah, blah.

And all of a sudden the whole crowd, not the whole crowd, but kind of the front row area. All of a sudden, a reaction I'd never had happened before. Did I tell you this? No, yeah. All of a sudden, like 30 people just went. oh oh and I was like what the like I kind of frizzled because I was like I almost felt like they were looking at a baby a newborn baby like oh and so I started looking around and behind me on the stage on the floor somehow some way a little mouse had come out like a Christmas mouse

and he was just sitting there like and I looked at him he was just it was his little blackbeat and his whiskers were twitching and even I was like oh but it was the weird Yeah. Like, worse than a heckle. It's just like my brain frazzled for a minute. And the fact that everyone was so enamored with this thing and it just stopped the show. It was so bizarre. Yeah.

That's, uh, and you don't know sometimes what's going on. You don't know. Yeah. Yeah, it's just beautiful. I had one on stage. Thank you for that. You're welcome. I was in, I can't remember where I was, but I'm at a club.

It's a club that's in a hotel. Oh, yeah. Those are sort of the cheesier one. Yeah, yeah. But attached to it was a strip club, like right next door, same building. What was it called the strip club? Because they always have funny names. Yeah, bottoms up.

You know, one of those, whatever was. I went to one, just to interrupt, because I got to say it. I went to this one in the middle. I think it was an Appleton, Wisconsin or something. It was called Bean Snappers. Wow. And they gave me a tied shirt with like silhouettes of naked girls on it. And underneath it says, I ain't never met a dude that don't like nude.

Really? I still have the shirt. Who gave it to you when you went in there? When we went in there, the owners get, because they recognize me. And they're like, oh, dude, I have a shirt. And it's just the most, okay, back to you. So I have a wireless mic in my club. I thought you're going to say in your pants.

No, no, wireless mic and I'm walking around the stage. Okay. And somehow, you know, whatever it is, frequency. Oh, your frequency? Yeah. Cross with their frequency. we'd see at the strip club. So it was a trans strip club?

So what happened was I started hearing them coming through our speakers. Oh, right. So I'm on stage and I'll hear, show us the tits girls. Show the tits, girls. Come on, more tits. And they're screaming like this. And the guy I hear, yeah! So couldn't be stopped.

Couldn't be stopped. Oh, wow. So I said to the audience, what do you want to do? Because it sounds like they're having more fun than we are. And you all went over? A lot of people went over there. Yeah, I went over with about six or eight people. You did too?

Yeah, yeah. You left the stage? I had to. You have no choice at that point. Yeah, yeah. I can go over there. And everybody else is laughing and we go and then came back, of course, a few minutes later. And then shut the mic and had to perform the rest of the show without a mic.

Acapella. I have that album, Acapella. It's also a great Italian dish. Yeah, it's in the sauce. You know, isn't it befuddling when people who take the time to erect a comedy club, or rent a space or inhabit a room and turn it into a comedy club. They either don't do the research or they don't care. There was a club.

I don't know if it's still there, a funny bone in St. Louis. I worked it. And you do the first show, everything's dandy, although they were the last club in the country to allow smoking right into like the 90s. So I'd do a show there and like pretty come out with Black Lung. But then second show, these guys rate, On the other wall, through drywall, no concrete, just regular drywall,

a full-on jazz music club. Wow. So about four minutes into your set on the second show, just people in the front row are going, I can't hear the comedian. A snare. Yeah. Yeah. And it was just, you're going, what are you goofballs thinking?

And it's not conducive for us. I kind of lose. I get depleted. I go, I don't really want to perform now. No. All you're worse than that is when they have a bar and back in the room with a blender. Oh, gosh. My mother, the last time I ever worked that club, I'll tell you what happened. The St. Louis one? Yeah. Yeah. So in between shows, the guy says,

there was a little ticket booth outside. Yeah. And he says to me, or come into the ticket booth with me, I want to pay you. And I've got to leave early. So I'll just pay it. It was the last. Cash? Yeah, it was all cash. Okay. So, um, I go into a little booth to him. It's like a photomatic booth. Yeah, yeah. Okay. No room for two people.

I'm standing like hunched over with him. So he paid you and developed your film. Yeah, and I got pictures of my aunt. So he says to me, what's the worst thing never happened to you in all your years of performing? So I said, being in here with you right now, and it was the last time I worked that clip. Just for a second.

Remember about 15 minutes ago when I, I asked you what your worst story was on the road. This one was worse. Yeah, but weren't you supposed to lead with the worst? Yes, yes. Always a nitpicker, are you? Well, you know, I didn't remember that story. Okay, okay.

I just thought maybe you were playing me, player. No, no, no, no, no. I thought maybe you were playing me. No, no, no, no. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly.

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It's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Okay. strip clubs and oh one more please got to with gilbert godfrey oh oh gilbert godfrey oh my god did you love gilbert didn't he do the voice of the aflac duck or something aflac i love gilbert i dated a girl who was in the insurance game and every time she orgasmed aflac wow yeah yeah i've never remember i ended up turning into a pillow judy pigeon yeah yeah yeah yeah well

With Gilbert, you're Texas. Yeah, we're in Texas in a motel. You know, with the little balconies. Yeah, yeah. You go out of your room and you walk in the, so one of these things, I got a room, he's got a room. And the cleaning lady, the morning says, and it's the same two rooms every week for the comedians. Oh, right. Every week.

So now you're rolling around in Polly Shores, hair and, you know, Ron White's pubes. Run white's white. Yeah. So room 102, 103, so the cleaning lady, the wonderful lady, she says, listen, you guys are comedians. A lot of times the guys leave some passes for us. We'll come at night to see the show. Okay. So I said to Gilbert, yeah, of course, you know, we'll do that, so we leave passes.

So she said, I'll tell you what, if you want, I'll pick you guys up. The cleaning lady. Yeah, yeah, we'll pick you up at the hotel, me and my sister, her sister and her. We'll come by and take you to the club and then bring you back. So, no funny business at all. We get in the car, we go to the club, we do the show. She drops us off. Gilbert goes to his room, I go to Martin.

The morning, no cleaning lady. Don't see her. Where is she? You know, usually, so I said to somebody else, what happened? Where is she? Because we were the last night at the club, and she's not here. She goes, well, she stabbed somebody this morning here and killed them.

For real? Yeah. She got in a big tussle with another cleaning person. They got in the fight. She felt she was being taken, you know, advantage of because the woman was having. Don't forget your mic. Yeah, yeah. And she stabbed this other cleaning lady to death.

This is the woman that Gilbert and I went out with the night before. Just real, real quick. Remember about 25 minutes ago when I asked you your craziest road story? Maybe. I didn't remember it. Okay. Well, just, you know. God.

I didn't remember going out with the murdering lady on the road. I may have locked it out because it was a frightening sort of... Okay. Well, speaking of women, okay? We encounter women on the road. Sometimes you get groupies. Sometimes you get a woman who... A grouper if you're working down in Florida.

Yeah, the fish. Sometimes you'll have a woman who's infatuated or a woman just looking for... Is that a fat woman? Yeah, they get infatuated. Yeah, infatuated is a fat woman. Yeah. And that's the Latin word for overweight, infatuated. I know people that love infatuated women.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But have you ever had, is there a story, and I know you're married and you're a dedicated guy, but was there ever a crazy girl story for you that, where a woman was sort of chasing you down after a gig or wouldn't get away from you or sent you a note or anything? like that that stands out and by the way let's put the best one at the top this time oh no i never had

any sex on the road i'm not saying it had to be sex it could just be i mean the knife thing was was someone you weren't connected to but was there ever a girl that you know you guys went out for coffee or you went on a date or and something just kind of went goofy yeah so there was one okay the show we get this straight so this girl comes over starts talking to me and we're chatting and it's very short story here yeah we and she's

kind of drunk she's a little drunk yeah she's been drinking it drunk so she says let's go for her a drink she was epileptic no she was a little toasted you know so we go for a drink I think fire a drink and she goes all right you're staying

so I said well I'm at this hotel down the block I said, all right, and we go out. And she said, before we go, where we go up there, I want to know, how big is it? Whoa. I said, what? How big is it? Yeah.

So, I was on a spiritual path. I couldn't lie. So I told her, I don't go with you. Say that again? I'm not going with you. One more time, guy. I'm not. I'm not going with you.

I'm not going with you I'm not going with you so that was that was kind of a it hurt I'm not sure I even understand that story guy do you understand it

I do can you explain it to me I don't know that you don't really understand it I don't think I do okay let me recap yes you meet a girl she's a little drunk She says, I want to go to the hotel. And then she goes, how big is it?

And then I want to go, yeah. I'm not sure. What am I missing here? Talk to me. So with the normal voice. Not don't ask me like, she's screaming, how big is it? Right. I got that.

And I tell her the truth. And you say what? The truth. Which was? I can't tell you that. Okay. So you tell her the truth. truth and she goes i'm not going with you oh she said i thought no word of a lie yeah i thought you said

i'm going with you that's why i didn't i'm not going with you if we could use words next time me just impossible like words by these people would recognize my seven or eight viewers yeah so that was uh one of those one of those nights i had a early on in my stand-up career i was in a club in Saskatchewan, okay, the prairie, one of the prairie provinces, okay? Saskatchewans, it's just flat land. Been there, been there. They say if you use binoculars on a clear day, you can see the back of your own head. Wow, that is. Yeah. So I'm in, I'm in, this is, I'm fairly new. I'm maybe two years in to stand up. I'm in Saskatchewan for my first time. The stage is sort of elevated. It's one of, normally comedy stages are sort of at, like, kind of foot level.

This one was sort of up, so you're looking down like maybe three, four feet. Yeah. I'm doing my thing. I'm like, you know, 15 minutes in. And, you know, I see the crowd. There's a girl right middle, front middle, and then just people. I'm in the, I look down and this girl, very ambidextros, for whatever reason, this is a real story. I look down, she's taking both her legs and put them behind her head,

her dress up, and this staring me right in the face. Like I'm just looking right down into... The portable TV. Yeah. Clam lamp. Yeah, yeah. Dude, and she just got this grin on her face. And then that stopped, and then later in the set she did it again.

And I was just like, what kind of career am I? in for that's bad parenting yeah that's what happens that's one when you have two children that raise circtosolet parents that raise children yeah that's really an issue that's why the circtosolayers shouldn't breed so one of the first by the way can i just finish the story i never finished the set because i got hit in the eye with a ping pong ball and right out of there well popped it out i'm not going to say but no that part didn't happen but this really did It was unnerving. I had somebody flash meter club.

You did? Yeah, yeah, right. Remember when I said earlier, if you could go right to the top story about the, well. Yeah. Well, it was, it was. Well, let's hear that one now. And then I'm sure there's a better one after this, but let's do number two. That's all there.

There wasn't that story. But there was one where I worked Canada when I was new on and there were two shows a night. Yes. Seven nights, two shows a night. Seven nights? Yeah, you know. You didn't just do a weekend? You did every night?

Sure. So did you when you first started. No. As soon as you started traveling, all you did was. We just did like Thursday, Friday, Saturday. We did Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, Sunday, six nights. You got worked, player. So I get the gig.

It's $1,500, which is a tremendous amount of money. Yeah, that's the first time I've ever gone to Canada. Two shows a night, 45 minutes. I only have about 20 minutes of material. Yeah. But you take the gig. You take it and just pray. Yeah.

You hold on. Yeah. Yeah. So I do my first, I do the first set. Yeah. The guy comes back, goes, that was really good. And second show, he goes, he goes to watch it, about an hour. And I look at the audience, is still sitting there.

So I said, what's going on here with them? Well, they have dinner now. Oh, no. And then they're, you know, after dinner, though, the second show with them. With the same crowd. Yeah. So what do you mean them? Them?

He goes, yeah. I said, you don't turn it over? No, no. You come? You do the show? They have some drinks, and they have dinner, and then they sit there and you do again. Was this in Newfoundland? This was, I think, in Edmonton, Cowboy Country.

Okay, the other side. Unbelievable. So, I was out of material the first show, 20 minutes in. I got 45 to go. And you probably did any crowd work you could already do. Oh, I did it all. Right? You can't.

Hey, you again. Are you still working at the post office? Yeah, at least I could get into the food a little. How's your dinner? You know, something like that. But that was a minute and a half. Were you just sweating bullets? I just started talking.

They would have been proud of me at Second City. Yeah, you improvised. It was a total 45 minutes of. Those are the gigs where you pull out material that you had tried before and it never worked. Oh, yeah. Or it sort of worked. And it was like, oh, I did this bit about cars. I thought it would work, but it never really worked.

But you still remember it. And because you need new material, you pull it out and you go, thank God. But it still doesn't work, but at least you're filling time. Yeah, I didn't even have that material. Oh, dude. I was, I was out. And so what I did was, and I'm not proud of this, not proud of this, but it's over. This was way before Spotify, where you could go online or YouTube before you could listen to any comedian in the world.

None of that. None of that existed. I went to a record store the next day, and I bought albums. And stole material? Yeah. In fact, there was a tape. I had a tape recorder, a tape deck, and I bought it in the cassette tapes, and I just stole material. Did you do any of mine? That's all I did was yours.

Did they add a third show? Third show, same audience. I think I would have committed suicide on stage. You imagine, Mark, it went so well. We're adding a late show. We're adding a late show. They love you so much. But this will be the blue show.

We really want you to work. Imagine there was three shows, and the girl was sitting in the front row, every show. Yay! And she starts clapping. Yeah. Wow. So that was... That's a good memory.

Speaking of memories, let's shift gears. Memories? Oh, I'm sorry. Did you get an x-ray? Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Hungry now. Now.

What about now? Whenever it hits you, wherever you are, grab an O. Henry bar to satisfy your hunger with its delicious combination of big crunchy salty peanuts covered in creamy caramel and chewy fudge with a chocolatey coating swing by a gas station and get an oh henry today oh hungry oh henry these are good stories um this this will be an unusual story and I'm gonna make you have to dig a little but I find it fascinating do you remember as a human being a human entity a ball of

atoms and molecules that is Mark Schiff, do you recall your very first memory as a human being or one of them? And let's go to the best one first, please. But can you remember were you seven? Were you three? Were you two? I mean, I saw this thing on Joe Rogan's podcast recently where Terrence Howard said he had a memory of being in the womb.

Right. Which I don't, it's possible. Who knows? Everyone's different. But do you remember your... Your first memory and how old you were and what it was and how vivid it was? So there are two memories that are vivid. Okay.

One was when I was five, maybe four. Okay, that's pretty early. Having my tonsils out. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Do you remember? I remember. Yeah, and ginger ale. They didn't say the ginger ale.

Okay, we got ice cream and ginger ale. Vanilla ice cream. Yeah. And I woke up, I couldn't talk. And I remember, I remember it was, I was even a bars around the bed because they were afraid I was going to fall off. I was so young. Yeah. Yeah.

I just had been doped up. Oh, yeah. And it hurt to even whisper. Yeah. And it hurts to even whisper. Impossible. It gets worse after the second or third day. It just gets worse.

So that was my first. memory that I really hang on to. Because it's so sort of traumatic, isn't it? To be that young and be in a hospital and have it, basically you're having an operation. And an hour earlier, I could talk and now I can't talk anymore. And by the way, what kid doesn't want ice cream? I was the same guy. And then they give you all the ice cream you can eat.

And you can't eat it because it hurts, it hurts so much. You don't want to eat anything. You can't even swallow your saliva. As soon as the cold hit it, it exploded. in the throat. And by the way, I look at the world now. When was the last time you heard of a kid getting their tonsils out? Was that just a scam by the hospitals to make money? I never hear of it anymore. My grandson got his out, but his were so bad. They took out the adenoids, the tonsils, and they put plugs in his ears. Oh, AC or DC? Maclemore.

Oh, wow. So the next memory. Yeah. Seven. Oh, wow. So a collection. So, you, this woman, our neighbor, told my mother that she was going to get me roller skates for my birthday. Your seventh birthday? Seventh birthday. So you were six, really, then. Yeah. So she said to me, the woman, the neighbor said, listen, Mark, what would you like for your birthday? I said, roller skates.

Can we ask why? Because I didn't have any. But you just love, though, you like the idea? I was at the age now, it's seven where roller skates are going to start working for me. And I had friends that had them. Yeah. I don't remember my friends having, but I remember I wanted them. Great.

Okay. So she says to my mother's, don't get them roller skates. I will get them roller skates. Okay. Beautiful. My birthday comes, no roller skates. Mothers. Nothing.

No roller skates. So I said to my mother, roller skates. Where's a roller skates, babe? She said, well, maybe she forgot. I said, well, why didn't you talk to her? Because I went to skates. Yeah. So my mother said, Daddy wants to roll.

You can't go asking people for things. She said she was going to give them to you, but if she said, she doesn't, you're going to have to let it go. Yeah. So, I'm not letting it go. Good. So she had two daughters. One was about three, and the other was maybe four and a half. Okay. So we used to go into the room and play together, you know. So I taught them both to say, fuck. Well, that's not really playing.

Yeah. I said, I want you to learn this word, and then go tell your mother. To fuck? No, just to her, fuck. Just say, fuck. And they got it down. They got it down. I said, let's go inside. They said, ugh? No, they said, fuck. Okay.

So then we walk inside, and I said to the mother, they want to tell you something. And they go, fuck. And the other one, how about you? Fuck. And it was the last time she let me in her house. But I didn't get the skates from her. So what I did was, I never got skates as a child.

You know what I did? What? when I was 30 years old I was still hanging on to this I went out and bought myself a pair of skates Did you fuck? No And I skated for a couple of days

And then I donated them Did you buy the Daisy Dukes? I can't remember which ones I bought But how's that for a memory, early memory? That's pretty good Yeah Wow And that's why I'm a comic

Because cross me I got to do something Yeah you got to You're a little vindictive maybe. You too. Me? No. What did I ever do?

Nothing. Why am I getting sucked into your reality? I never told my neighbor's kids to fuck. Yeah, but if somebody screws you over, right? I mean, don't, you know. Well, fuck you over in your case. Yeah. So that was,

that was an early memory. Were you good on roller skates? Somehow I'm not picturing you being too elegant. I had a skate with my arms out. Oh, really? So you're, you know, people can skate with their arms, you had their back.

Yeah. Like hostages? It's like walking on a type of. I never got good. Yeah, and this isn't an insult. I just, you know, sometimes you look at a person and you go, I don't think so. I'm not picturing you being too eloquent on roller skates. What could you, to look at me, what do you think I'm good at?

Accounting. An anti-Semitic master. Look at you. The Jew and money. You're Jewish? I could be. Am I? You could be.

Fuck. You know, a county was not my thing. Why not? It wasn't. You're just not good with numbers? Were you more street smart than academic? Yes. You know where I learned math at the racetrack?

No way. I didn't know horses could do math. I cut school. Really? I would go to Aqueduct in Belmont, which are the two tracks in New York. Okay. And they have the tote board with all the figures and fractions.

I read multiplication, subtraction, and, uh, Division. Division, of course. Yeah. And then track variance. The depth of the dirt during a muddy run. Ooh.

You've got to learn from the inside to the outside. So you used math to become a gambler. A gambler. Because that plays into how a race is going to play out, the depth of the mud, because some horses are mud runners. Right. Some aren't.

Right. So that then becomes, create to drag on the hooves of the horses, or they don't know how to maneuver in the mud as well as other horses. So you got some mudders. So you used math to make money. You figure it out. See, that makes you smarter.

That makes you smarter than any academic. Yeah. How? Crossing the street is math. Explain. Of course it is because your kid, you're standing here. You've got to figure how long it's going to take that car to come to you and do I have time to cross the street.

Oh, I get it. So one plus getting hit by truck equals. Dad. Dad, right. So you've got to time it. And a couple of times you've been close, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I almost stepped out in front of a street car once. Fuck! Is your neighbor here? No, you're not here. What, you just? You stepped out. So I'm crossing a road, and I'm in a city. I'm in Toronto.

And they still have street cars, right? Yes, they do. So I'm going to cross the road. My mind is so used to looking for cars, traffic trucks, vans, whatever. I'm getting across. It's one of those roads where you get halfway across. There's a median, not a comedian.

Yeah, medium. Just a median. He's not that funny yet. Right. So I'm on the median. I see the median. I don't see any cars coming. There's clearly a street car,

but my mind did one of those things where it was on auto-trained just to see moving vehicles. No. And I literally had one foot off the median. ding ding ding and I just went like on the thing like if I had been looking the other way I would have stepped right in front of it that was scary that yeah yeah when you're driving down a road like a highway and I just thought of this and you see that thing where it says keep off the median yeah do you ever think of getting out with a sharpie and writing calm in front of it keep off the

comedian I always do I'm not even joking I always want to I've not taught that, but I can see. Now you will. Now I will. See how I've helped you. I've sort of expanded your mind. I sit here and all I've learned is that you teach young children how to say fuck. Yeah. But I've expanded your mind. I'm glad I did it. Not a fair trade really. I'm glad I taught them that. Your glasses are round. Mine are kind of. You know, I talk about driving. I was in Alaska. Driving? Yeah. Wow. I remember I had another gig in Alaska. I had a week in Alaska and I rented a car. You ever rent a car in your gigs? Yeah. Yeah. So I rented a car, and I used to like to drive really weird.

So I would drive, like, half on the sidewalk and half off, so the car was, like, on an angle. That's not so much weird as we call it murder. No, no, nobody was in the way. I would just drive sideways, you know, like this. On the sidewalk. Half the car was on the sidewalk, half was on the street. You know, I'd go up on the sidewalk and then just go ahead. What was it?

You couldn't decide if you wanted to walk or drive? Like, what was the mentality? So I get a phone call at the hotel. Well, probably because you hit the phone booth. Didn't hit anything. Okay. Mr. Schiff, this is the so-and-so sergeant at the Alaskan police force, you know, whatever. You were spotted driving, half on the sidewalk and half on the street.

How? What's the reason you're doing that, sir? I was honest, I said, because I was just trying to have a good time, fun. He goes, well, we don't like when you do that here, so if you do it again, you get spotted, we're going to have to ask you to return the car. No penalty, just you'll have to return the car. Yeah. So, it said, okay, and he let me go, you know, it was nothing.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. You never hit anything. Zero. You know, Alaska, you know, you got these streets. There's nothing on them. You know, there's no meters. There's no poles.

It's just a... But what was the thrill for you? Like having two wheels higher up? Like, what was in it for you? I like driving on an angle like this. Have you ever gone in the parking lot with snow and then stepped on it and spun around? Yeah, yeah. You do like donuts in the snow?

Yeah, with a rent-a-car. Yeah. You like that feeling. Yeah. You would have been a great autistic kid. And then, you know, you always have to gas up before, right, when you return it? Well, you don't have to. There's another option where you can pay at the beginning and they'll fill it up.

But somewhere in there, there's a scam, obviously. Yeah, so I took the, I will fill it up one because it was more expensive the other way. So if I was in a place like Alaska where I'm not going to go back to, I'd run a hose with water and I'd fill it up like that. No. Yes. Yes. And destroy the car. Well, I don't know if it did it, does that destroy car? I don't think you can run tap water through an engine.

I mean, you probably still some gas in there? I'm sure it would water the gas down, but I can't imagine that's healthy. Now you tell me? Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know that. So I used to do that sometimes. Dude, you are wild. Have you ever been hit by a falling tree?

No, no. You will. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Lightning. Wait. No.

I was never hit by lightning. Have you seen a tree get hit by lightning? No. But I saw a guy jump off the building. Talk to me, guy? Yeah. Whoa. Do you remember where Catcher Rising Star was?

Which one? There was a chain. One in New York, 77th and first. Sort of. Okay, so it's there. And I was about three blocks away, and I was at a pay phone next to this giant 40-story building. On the sidewalk? On the pay phone's on a sidewalk.

Watch out for crazy drivers. I'm facing the cars, you know, going on 1st Avenue. Oh, a sudden I hear an explosion behind me. And I turned around and somebody had jumped off the building 10 feet away from me, hit the ground, it exploded. The body. Exploded. So I called 911.

And they said, yes, it's an emergency. I said, not really. The emergency is over, but I think you need to come out of here and take a look at this. They said, what happened? I said, somebody jumped off the building, and they exploded. And then I went, and I looked in the area before they got there, and I found an eye. Really? Yep.

What version? It was 17. The iPhone 17? Yeah, iPhone 17. It was way ahead of its day. Wow. So how's that, huh? Was the mirror crack?

Was the glass cracked? It was a little breaking it. Dude, that's crazy. So just so I'm clear, someone either was pushed or committed suicide. Right. The body made impact with the ground. Traditionally, people think a body might just crumble and flump and still look like a body.

But what you're saying, it's sort of blew apart. Yeah. It's wearing clothing or was it naked? I didn't see anything. I just saw the blood all around. Was there like pieces of like meat that detached? Or was it just severed limbs? Yeah, it was just like the whole thing exploded.

Oh. This wasn't off the third floor. I mean, this guy was coming to 20, 30 floors. You know what I'm asking this? Because I was in Vancouver like probably about, I don't know, eight years ago or something. And you saw that guy? Yeah.

He stitched back together. They call him Frankenstein. but I was at a at a like an outdoor fair and it was underneath like they got these big bridges in Vancouver they looked like the Golden Gate Bridge and a sort of fair marketplace went underneath and there were shops and bakeries

and touristy things and I was with a girlfriend and we walked in we went under the bridge and then as we're coming back about you know half an hour 40 minutes later yellow police tape everywhere right and I'm I'm looking, and they kind of kept us at bay, and I'm looking, and I see these, like, it looks like chunks of red, like, for lack of a better day, it looked like bundles of meat. Wow.

And I surmised, I went, you know, I looked, it was right under the bridge, and I went, I said to the girl, I said, I think somebody jumped, but hearing your story, it never connected that the body separated into many fragments and I thought I always thought that when a body landed you know maybe the head popped but the body was just laying their limp but what I thought after seeing all that is I think someone dropped and the impact literally blew their body apart and now hearing this story it kind of ties up that loose end it was it was horrific so we've all seen somebody that jumps and lands on the top of a car and you see the whole body yeah that's what I thought You're dented, and it's a great shot of it.

That was not the case here. Yeah, when you come from a really big height, it's just like. Oh, yeah. Like a water balloon. Yeah, like a watermelon or something. Yeah, you're right. That's exactly it. Oh, God.

What a way to go. Have you ever committed suicide? Yeah. You look like you have. Yeah, yeah. How many times? Well, the first three, I wouldn't really call it suicide. I just blew my head off.

Oh, wow. It was a windy day? Yeah, that's all it happened. God. Never have. No. Looking forward. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you want to do it together? You go first. Well, I wasn't expecting that answer. That was that old joke about this old couple. They decided to do a double suicide, and he says, because I love you and I respect you, I don't want you to have to suffer watching me commit suicide. You go first. You go first, and then, of course, he changes his mind.

Oh, wow. The ultimate setup. I love it. I love it. Speaking of life, this is a good segue, is there anything in your life that you would change or wish you could do over again? Like, is there one pivotal moment that you said, if I could just go back to that precise moment in time, I'd either do it different or I wouldn't have done it or I would change what I did in that moment. It's kind of a heavy question. And it's not necessarily a regret question.

And it could be for something good or something positive or a missed opportunity or I don't know. I have an answer for that. What is it? In fact, I just discussed it with, I was, when I was in Nashville last week in New Orleans, I was with Mr. Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld. We did a couple of shows there. Okay.

In Nashville. How is Jerry? Good. He's leaving the country. He's going to Seoul and South Korea and all these places. Oh, great. To do some shows with Mario. Joyner.

Oh, yeah, Mario, yeah. We're going next week. So, I told him, I told him I felt I missed out on something. And he tried a big. me feel better, but I, so I've been writing a lot the last couple of years, but different than my stand-up. Yeah. We, we're all writers.

People don't understand. Stand-ups are writers. Yeah. You've been earning a living as a writer your whole life practically, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You write it, you say it, you get paid. Yeah. That's, you're a writer.

Yeah. But I've been doing other types of writing, stories and essays. Books, as we discussed, yeah. So I realized, as I'm getting older, I wish that I was bad. better educated, not school-wise. I wish I read the masters and the classics, and, you know, I missed the whole boat in that area. You mean in terms of literature?

Yeah. Okay. Deep literature. I'm not talking about. Yeah, nichey and all that stuff. Montaigne and, you know. Seuss. Yeah, doctor and nurse Seuss.

Yeah. I missed it all. Really? You didn't read any of it? No. I didn't go to school, really. You never sort of just on your own volition when, you know what, you're in a bookstore and you're like, I'm going to read Anne Rand or I'm going to read James Joyce or Vukowski or.

I read some Bukowski. Okay. But he's not. He's not, yeah. Yeah, he's sort of a drunk writer, like poet. Yeah. So I miss the Greeks, you know, the Aristotos and the Socrates. Yeah, interesting.

And I wish that I hadn't missed those guys, because I think my writing would be a lot deeper and richer. I see. So you thought it would have impacted the depth of your writing. Absolutely. Be on a shadow of a doubt. I don't know if I would have been as funny. Hmm. Well, I always say knowledge is power.

And no matter what it is, whether you're learning math or physics or biology or whatever, I think the more knowledge you have, even in the wacky industry we're in, the more you can filter in, the more you can filter out and make it funny. So I would dispute that and say whatever, because you're naturally a funny guy.

So I think whatever you absorbed, you would have spit out in a funny way. Do you think that, excuse me, outside of your writing, did you ever feel that that type of depth that a more immersed experience into literature would have expanded your, you just as a thoughtful person, as an educated person?

I don't know if I would have been a better writer or think of a writer, but I would have been expanded. Woody Allen talked about this. Huh. You know, he's read everything. He hates reading, but he reads it anyway because he feels he has to read it. And he's never, he says he's never been able to create anything like a Tennessee Williams or Arthur Miller, anything deep or rich on that level. Why?

He just doesn't have it in him. And so he reads thinking maybe that will get him there? Yeah. You know, you read and you see and you pay attention and you read the, you know, the great classic writers, and you think maybe one day I'll write like that, but not all of us are gifted in that particular way. Or maybe we're not meant to be influenced by that because there are people who would argue that Woody Allen

was so gifted in his own right, being in his own niche and his own lane. You know what I mean, creatively? Like, let's just say Aristotle probably couldn't have written a clever, Woody Allen movie. Yeah. He couldn't have written Annie Hall. So I, yeah, I get what you're saying, but I think everything's cut, everyone's, you know, cut for, for their own reason. Absolutely.

But maybe you're right. Maybe a deeper dive into that world would have altered you. And it might have, who knows, it might have altered you to the point where you arrived at a point of depth or understanding where you actually went, comedy's not for me. I have to veer this way. Right. I would not have wanted that to happen. Yeah. Because what we do is so much fun.

And when people, you know, they come over the afternoon and go, I feel better. Yeah. I've laughed. You know, I don't have many people of Socrates made laugh. You know what's good, though, my bro. It's not too late. You could go on Amazon tomorrow and order seven of these books. I'm reading it stuff now.

Oh, good. They had a book on tape by this. While you were driving? 1540s, he wrote. Wow. Montaigne. Is that what you're listening to right now? Yeah, on tape.

What's it called? This is the works of this guy, I can't pronounce his first two names, or French, Montaigne. Well, if you can't read his name, you're not going to have much luck reading the book. Well, the guy reads it to me because it was a book on tape, okay? Oh, I see. You're off to a pretty sketchy start. Yeah. I might want to stick to Chuckles in Omaha.

Chuckles. No, but what's the name of the thing you're listening to? The works of Montaigne, basically. But was it, well, when you say works, did he? So it's like a biography on him. Okay. And they read a lot of his works, like each chapter is four or five minutes long. But you get the depth of this person.

He was so frigging deep. Was he? Yeah. What makes him deep? I'm just curious now. Obviously, I'm not familiar with him. He's a deep thinker. But what, what is that, though?

Like, you know, sometimes you'll meet a fisherman and he says something and it's so profound and deep, but what makes this guy so... So the fisherman, you'll get one or two lines out of. Right. Well, because they're fishermen. They have a lot of lines. By the way, I'm going to tell you a fishing thing in a minute. This guy would sit in his room and think.

But what is something that moved the needle for you that he said that was so deep, you kind of went, wow, how did he come up with this? Almost everything I hear, and I can't, I can't spit it back to you. because I just started on this book. I cannot spit it back to you. Well, the thing I say on this podcast is no spitting and no swearing. But let me tell you about fishing, by the way. Can we jump?

Probably easier, not as deep. Not as deep. Well, fishing could be very deep. Yeah. Okay. Hit me. I read a story yesterday about this, and you can look it up. Okay.

You ever hear of magnet fishing? Yeah. You have. Yeah, where guys throw powerful magnets over. a bridge and they catch an old bicycle or anything metal. They find an old rifle. They find a safe. They find horseshoes.

Just yesterday, a guy pulled up a safe with $100,000 in it. Come on. Yep. Where? Don't know exactly where, but I just read the story yesterday. See, I see these things on TikTok. No, this was not TikTok. This was like a legitimate, like an NBC story or one of these.

Oh, NBC. Then it's got to be legitimate. So here's a. magnet guy yeah everybody thinks he's a moron his whole life yeah and then when he pulls up a hundred thousand he's all of a sudden brilliant right well i don't know if he's maybe lucky i think people start thinking you know maybe uh he really what are the odds how many people go get a giant magnet and go you know it's like fishing i'm gonna catch a lunker today yeah hey i'm where you going honey i'm off to get a hundred thousand dollar safe

Right. But when you do get it, then all of a sudden, the people, the world looks at you, you're not an idiot anymore. They just go, he knew something, right? Don't they say that about people who've made a lot of money? Everybody thinks they know something. He must have. He had a belief. It's like those guys that do the electronic Geiger counter things out in the field. They find an old coin. I did the magnet fishing once and I got out of the game. Yeah, I had about a four-pound magnet. And it's like any fishing. You've got to cast it. You've got to throw it out there. You've got to get depth. And then you drag it along and it clings on anything. So I'm on a bridge in Kentucky.

And I'm swinging this thing. And an 11-year-old girl walks by. She's got the train-track braces on her teeth. And she's like, hi. And my magnet just went, right, I was already in swing. Threw her out. now I had her on the line I caught a 300 pound catfish

Wow Seven year old girl is bait Wow Just one of those weird lucky flukes It's almost like I knew something I think I saw that on TikTok Yeah Yeah

I think we're ready for words from a wooden shoe My friend Yeah You know that's how we usually end the show What a show this has been I could talk to you for another five minutes What a show this has been What a rare mood I'm in

Why it's almost like being Arlen. Who is that, Barry Maniloh? I saw him before he was big. Really? So you got him hard? He opened for Bet Midler. He was the opening act

and he was mostly singing jingles. No way. Wow, I love that song. Mr. Bo Jingles. Bo Jingles. Is he still alive, Manelow? Very much so. In one piece.

He looks like a guy that might have tried to jump off a building one time. Yeah. They seem that way. I'm not going to argue it. If he jumped off a building, you would go, yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Barry Manil.

Yeah. Because he did write that lyric standing at the edge of time. He did. Standing at the edge of time. Weekend of New England. Colored memories asleep on the window. Right? Mandy.

Oh, Mandy. No, nah, nah, nah. Oh, Mandy. You pushed me in a... Oh, this is words from a wooden shoe. We do this every show. You reach into the shoe, pull a random word, and see if you have a story from your journey in life.

Everybody has to look the other way when they pull me back in the way. Why is that? I don't know. They're scared. But if this elicits a story you can share with us, whether it's your story, someone you knew. Wow. Oh, here we go.

What's the word? Harland. Wow. My name's Harlan. Oh. No, it's lips. Lips, okay, interesting. I already told my story about lips.

Yeah, for the lips. Yeah. Wow. So, you want to joke about lips? Whatever response it gives you. So this guy's sitting in a waiting room across from this woman, and, you know, they're talking, and she says, what are you here for? He goes, I donate sperm, and I come once in a mother, donate sperm, you know, to the clinic here. He comes once a month.

He goes, so she says, really, how much you get paid for that? He goes, I get $500. And he goes, what are you doing here? She goes, I give blood every once a month. I donate, you know, blood. He goes, how much you get? He goes, I get $25. Okay?

Month later, you're sitting together in the doctor's office again, and he sees her, of course, cross from him, and he says, he sees our lips moving. And he says, so what are you here for? And she goes, mm-hmm. Can you finish the joke? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Use words, guy. There are no words there. Well, you're just going to tell me a joke and not tell me the punchline? He says, what are you here for? She goes, mm-hmm. What do you think she's donating? is that the punchline

it's one of the best jokes out there not as good as the 69 one no but this is a big joke but it's about the lips it's as close so I can get the lips yeah to me next time you use the lips to say the punchline lipstick on my collar

remember that song oh yeah Iron Maiden Iron Maiden Oh the tale or two Killer's album Oh I love Arne Mae I saw them in England. Pardon you?

I saw them in England. What were they doing? Having a muffin? Playing in the outdoor. Mark Schiff, please tell the comedy world and everyone out there, all my seven or eight viewers, where they can find you, what you're doing. I know you have a new podcast. I do. Like, tell them everything.

Let it go. This is your time, lips. So I got my book, Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Chutzpah. My first book, True Stories of the Road by America's Top Comedy. which you're in. Oh, is the mouse story in there?

Mouse is in there. Oh, wow. Okay. I should get your copy of it. Finally, nine years later. Yeah, more than that.

And my new podcast with my partner, Danny Lobel, it's called, it's called, we think it's funny. Okay. And what we do is, what we do is we do a little bit of interview

like you're doing. Yeah. And then we throw out some topics and we try to find the funny in the topics. Oh, cool. Yeah. Do I get to do it? you do you're going to come on

I told you but you said you couldn't do it for a little while right I'm excited yeah I want you to come please soon yeah thank you I'd love to yeah yeah because I think it's funny you will be so great on this show this will be the best experience of your life whoa oh what about comedy you're doing some more tours you're doing anything with Jerry you're doing your own thing on tour with him

nonstop if you go to markshiftcom and go to date Yeah, D-A-T-S. Yeah. You'll see my tour schedule. He's out of town now for a couple weeks working, but as soon as he comes back, we'll be together. And then I do some private events. Oh, good, and they can find that on your website

to book you for private corporate. Markshift.com. I don't do corporates. Okay, but like private parties and events and things. Yeah, evangelistic things. Wow. Yeah. And where can they get your books on Amazon?

Everywhere. Everywhere. Okay. Everywhere books are sold. my book is there. Why not? Lessons on Comedy Cars and Chutzpah and, of course,

our new podcast, we think it's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Buddy, I think you're funny. I think you're beyond funny. I think you're freaking hilarious. Right.

Love having you here. Thank you. Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Schiff, check out his books, check out his new podcast. And folks,

until next time, I always say this chicken chau-main, baby. I love it. You love Chinese food? Noodles. Thanks, Mark. Thank you, Harlan. Thank you more.

Thank you even. More? Even. Okay. More or less. So thank you even. We're even now. More.

Great. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday. It's your anniversary. It's your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick. the topic you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for

yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one, your very own personalized Harland.