The Harland Highway - MATAN EVEN Possibly a clone of a famous actress and possibly a boarding school runaway with a wig.

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Odoo: Visit Odoo.com today and start creating the website of your dreams. Odoo: Fast, simple, and all you need to elevate your business! Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Matan Evens: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/matanevenoff/?hl=en Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@matanevenoff #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun. Liam Nissan. Buy your tickets now. I get a free Tilly Dog. Not included. The Naked Gun. Tickets on sale now.

August 1st. Hey, gang, I want to talk to you about something that I mentioned in a recent podcast, just as kind of a throwaway, but it got a huge response. So I want to keep going down that road. I said in an episode with Ari Sheffield, I said, hey, maybe someone should write me a New Harland Highway theme song without any kind of directive or parameters and a bunch of you talented people actually sent in some theme songs. Fantastic stuff. The only problem is, as I said, I didn't really give you any direction.

So most of them were way too long and kind of didn't really follow the specifications that I would want for a theme song. So here it is, gang. If you are a talented musician or you know how to use AI or you know how to bang a wooden spoon on a plate, here it is. The Harland Highway theme song, and if you submit it, just be aware that we may or may not use it.

I may use several of the theme songs. I might do with new theme song every week. I don't know. I would love nothing more than to let your talents be heard. on this beautiful podcast. So here's the parameters. It can't be more than 30 seconds long. 20 seconds is ideal,

but 30 seconds is the absolute longest it can be. At least mention the Harland Highway, at least twice in the song. And also make sure, if you have any of your lyrics, make sure they're very clean and clear and we can hear them.

There's nothing worse than, you're going down the Harlan Highway, there's everyone that's some popcorn, you know? So enunciate, make sure we can hear what you're saying, make it fun, make it energetic, or not. Just go with it. I don't like to put parameters around your artistic ability. But I'm excited to see what you can come up with

and submit your MP3s or your wave files to our website at gmail.com. That's H-A-R website, our website at gmail.com. And I'll have a listen. And just make sure when you mail in that you write that it's okay for me to use this on the podcast. If you don't add that part,

then I can't use it for legal reasons. But we have to have clearance that you guys are okay with me playing and using your song. It becomes the property of the Harland Highway. So all you creative musicians out there Or people who aren't even musicians Give it a crack

And don't be offended if we don't put yours on But I'm going to try and pick the best of the best And play them And I might repeat it I might play the same one for a year Or I might play a new one every week Who knows? This is going to be fun So 20 to 30 seconds long maximum

At least say the Harlan Highway Twice in the song and have a good time. I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with. Our website at gmail.com, the Harland Highway theme song. Dude, you keep jacking around like a boarding school pervert and you're going to get muffin on.

Do the muffin. You quit jacking around. Dude. What the fuck, guy? You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Are we filming? Huh?

Are we filming? Do you want to? I'm ready to go. You're ready to leave? Are we filming? We just said you're ready to go. Your name is almost manate, like a walrus without teeth. Your name?

Yes. It's like matan, but it's sort of like manatee. Oh, manatee. I read it wrong. Yeah. Sorry. A baby turtle crawling on the beach. Yeah. Yes, I can't read it.

It's too blurry. It's blurry. Well, I can, dude, I'll help you out because those are some of my questions. That's a question for me if I'm a turtle? No, but it's, I'm going to have a question in the, oh, dude. I brought that from my house to yours. Orange? Well, yeah, it is that color.

I don't know if it's that fruit, though. Interesting. And you know nothing rhymes with orange. orange right porridge no that rhymes no it does no orange porridge there's no orange porridge there there guy um all right i'm uh i'm not fully prepared yet we're going to get to your name we're going to get to who you are i didn't read that much of it just that first part oh that's okay you could read all of it if you want but i've got to uh prep you got here a little early yes so i'm not a hundred percent ready yeah so i got to my last podcast 35 minutes late so i'm trying to give

different types of uh arrival so if there's ever somebody tries putting it together they won't get a clear time hmm were you an early baby like did you come early like were you a pre a pre me I don't know. I never thought about that. Do you have a mother? In prison. Hey folks, are you ready to boost your brand with a stunning new website? Look no further than Udu. In just a few clicks, you can create a modern professional website that really stands out.

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for one year, absolutely free. Visit udu.com today and start creating the website of your dreams. Udu, fast, simple, and all you need to elevate your business. Udu. Porage. That's a porridge right there? No. That's what I mean.

It rhymes. That's true. That's what I said. But hold on. We're getting ahead of the curve. You're on the podcast. I can't even say what it is yet because you're early. We have to wait until 2 for you to say what it is.

We have to wait until I'm ready. I do a bit of prep work before I start potting. Okay. So can you help me a little since you were early? Yes. How do you want help? I have to put my foundation on. Okay.

I thought you were going for a grab for that sponsor. No, no. this is, I have to, I put foundation on for my face. Oh, I'm not going to put that on your face for you. No, no, but would you, would you be a, would you do me a flavor and hold the mirror up so I can apply it? Yes. Well, not your face. I thought you wanted me to get ready for the podcast.

Ah, you go first. Take your time. And then hold it up. Oh, up. I'm gonna put a little bit of foundation on my face. Now you just look like you're sweating. I do? Okay, I gotta put more then.

I don't think that's gonna help, but try it out. Dude, this is foundation. This is like Mary Kay. Yeah, that's a good amount. Try that now. Hold on. Dude, I don't want to put it on crooked. you got to put it in your hair

otherwise it's not going to look the same color dude here's what happens okay i don't know if you do a podcast or what but if i don't put this on right my color balance is off are you a fall or a spring a what a fall or spring your colors i don't know what you're asking me fall or spring

okay see your boarding school skin tone you're like no i'm a I'm a black man. You're like altar boy white, bro. I'm a black man who's got a mission. No. I've got a mission to tell him.

No. They need to hear what I'm saying. Dude. I don't want to do any more that. If anything, you're a boarder, you're a white, probably Catholic school boarding school boy. Former Jew. You used to be a Jew? Yes.

For how many years? Uh, 16. And how old are you? 17. So when did you leave the dude? That would leave one year I mean you just put blobs of shit on your face I don't know what you were expecting

You were supposed to hold the mirror That mirror wasn't going to help you Dude Give me a minute and then we'll start You need to put some in your hair as well I'm not putting it in my hair Well then your skin color is going to be different than your hair Are you a fall or a spring

Um Orange Orange Orange I'm almost ready bro relax I'm almost there bro I'm gonna just get ready

with my questions while you read the questions and prep yourself those aren't all the questions those are just some of them some of those are the ones that you wrote down yeah do you have more that aren't written down yeah of course oh dude look at this how's my collar brow i don't understand these are not questions you want to you're going to say cinnabon sinabon muffin muffin muffin muffin Cineabon, Cineabon, Muffin, muffin, muffin? What type of question is that? Where does that go? Let me show you, guy.

Are you going to pull out this? Oh, I understand now, yes. Watch. Wow. Okay, well, I guess you did have that plan. I thought this was going nowhere, but yeah. No, no. Hang on. Everything's a little off schedule, but that's okay. Not yet.

Wait till I. Oh, wow, now you also have a Cineabon. Yeah. I thought the point was, I thought that I was like a cinnobone muffin, but you really have two separate things. Yeah, guy. That's good. Hang on. All right.

Now, ready? Cineabon muffin. Cineabon muffin. Sinabon muffin. And your answer is, pooh! Wrong. That's incorrect? Let's try it again.

Push! Shame on you. Cineabon muffin. Cineabon muffin. Cineabon muffin. Muffin? Yeah. Oh, nice.

Dude, how'd you know? I read that paper. Oh, shit. Did you buy this just for this? Because this is way more expensive props than I can work with on my show. Yeah. Yeah. How much was that?

That looks like, what, 11? This? $11, 12. This is a specialty cinnamon bun. It's melted. It's now. 40 grand. It's, it's me.

melting on you. Oh, dude. Have you ever talked to a cinnamon bun face guy before? What does that mean? Like, just a white person or what are you trying to go for? We died. No, like just a, like a cinnamon bun face. Can I try to shoot this in there like a basketball?

Yeah. Oh, I got it. Try again. Wait, wait. I want to get two in a row before the other one falls off. Yeah. There you go. Now you gave it eyes.

Yep. Now it's really disgusting. and I won't touch those oranges. So ready? Hi, I'm Cinnabon face. What's your name? Puh. What?

Are you laughing? Hell no. I heard you laughing. I wasn't laughing, bro. You used that to cover your face? I don't even know how to laugh. Don't, don't do that. No, now it's a fake laugh to try to make the other one seem like that.

I'm Cinnabon face. I don't know how to laugh. can I shoot this muffin into it okay oh oh look at the other side of that right in my eyes look what I did though I heard so much I hope you don't do it again oh I hope there's no more muffins ow I'm cinnamon face oh he he he oh what are you doing hey hey hey oh what are you doing hey hey what's going on dude i'm trying to do a podcast you can't leave oh i wasn't leaving i was hoping that you would keep that on your face for a little longer i was going to start stealing stuff what what yeah i like that camera right there bro yes okay i know you're only what 14 you said

what boarding school do you go to um i don't know i couldn't come up here's the deal guy you come in, you do a podcast, you don't steal. You don't go klepto on a... That's not a rule. You don't go klepto on a player. I was going to steal that camera. I would have given you the ASD after, so it wouldn't have been a problem. Yeah, but here's the problem.

You steal that camera. You're no longer visible. You're not on the podcast. I was just going to... I would have given it back to you. I was just going to use it to film some of my next movies. I'm a director. You're a director.

Yes. Where up at the boarding school? No, I directed Speed Racer, the movie. Go Speed Racer. No, not the animation, the anime version. I directed the adaptation, the movie. Okay, then sing me the theme song, director of Go Speed Racer.

I don't have a great memory. This was before I was alive when it came out, but I was the director, and I'm just coming on here in some other podcast to help promote the re-release in theaters. Go Speed Racer. Go Speed Racer. I know it better than me.

Go speed racer, go. Go speed racer. Go speed racer. Go speed racer. Go speed racer, go. That's it. Okay. And now we're going to hit the theme music,

because now we can start. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Halle Highway podcast. All black now? No, Cajum. Welcome to the... Hold on, I got to clear my voice. Hold on.

You just shut it off. The whole thing? No, the theme music. I'm clear it. Oh, that's actually not bad. Oh, that's actually not bad. Put your gopher. Ladies and gentlemen, you on the Hall of Highway podcast with Mattin'E L.

My brother, man. Is there a V in your name? Because I said, eh. You spelled my name wrong on your paper. Did I or didn't I? You did. I've noticed that a lot of people spell it with an A and Evan. They think it's like Evan, like the name Evan.

How do you spell it? E-V-E-N. E-V-E-N. Yes. And how do you spell your first name? Uh, M-A-R-V-I-N. Marvin? Yes.

Marvin, Marvin, Marvin. We're going to keep breaking out in the songs. It's just a musical podcast. You know, you're this close to getting muffinized. Do you know that? Nope, I didn't agree. I asked you before I threw them out you. I may try out your permission.

I don't want to play that game with my face. No, it's not with your face, guy. It's with my face. You want me to throw more food out of your face? No. I'm saying you keep the boarding school attitude. I'm a happy guy, don't... And I become muffinize.

I'm behaving well, actually. When you're in my perimeter, took anything to my pocket. Is it in your perimeter or in your circumference? Or in your atmosphere? Or in your personal space? It worked, by the way, your foundation stuff now. Is it working? Where's the mirror? I mean, it doesn't look like you're sweating anymore.

It just looks like a layer of your stomach. skin peeled off like a lizard. I think I look pretty good. I don't say you looked bad. If you want to say that, I don't hypothetically disagree. Your skin looks, you're like a porcelain, like a, like a doll. A doll? Like a wizard of Oz.

No, like a doll. Oh, Ahmed Oz, the nude doctor in the government. No, no, I'm talking about like a doll, like a porcelain doll. Like if I went into a doll shop and I was looking around, I'd see you sitting on a shelf. You look like you're transitioning. You're transitioning. It's a Gorney Weaver. Dude.

Dude, how did I come up with that? Dude, hang on. I'm quicker than you. Is that or does that not you? I knew I was going to see. Is that you or is that not you? Dude. That might be me.

I mean, you are you Sigourney Weaver. Be honest. I don't want to make any comments about it. Dude. Look this. You play. with the iPad like somebody your age. Is or is that not you?

That's a little longer hair but I just got a haircut so I guess it does look like me a little bit. Have you ever been on in gorillas in the mist? No. Have you ever been to see an alien in outer space?

No. Okay. I think it's you. Why does it make such a loud noise? It's an echo when you hit it. It's Amazon wood. It's rare wood from the Amazon rainforest. Well, you're making a mess on it. That thing is melting onto the table now.

You know what? Keep up the attitude boarding school, boy. And muffin eyes comes out. You don't want to meet muffin eyes. He's not as friendly as cinnamon face. Dude. Okay. You know what?

I am muffinize. What the fuck, guy? What the fuck? Dude! Oh, dude, you're like a roaming sporting school brat. I almost got it, dude. You're like a little lost, like wandering boarding school kid. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com.

Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images. on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today.

And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. Now let's get back. to your name let me talk to you about manatees are you okay do you have to puke no i'm okay what do you know about manatees talk to me i i don't know anything about them the animal yeah i know what is it's in the ocean yeah i know that so i guess i know a little more than i thought i would can you elaborate no that's all i know dude i'm sorry i bring you on this pocket podcast, okay? Special guest. I ask you about manatees. You know Jack Squat. You got something that I needed to know? Like, help me a little. I'm trying to do a pot.

This goes out all over the world, guy. How many people are going to view this? This is 17, 18, 19, 20. Thousand million? No, 20. 20 people. But I toss out an endangered species at you and you give me nothing. How about that? Dude, you're this close to getting muffin eyes again. Please, you want to do it. Keep jacking around like a boarding school pervert. Dude.

Dude, you keep jacking around like a boarding school pervert and you're going to get muffinized. Do the muffin. You quit jacking around. dude what the fuck guy what the hell's it gotcha what the ass bro i didn't take nothing dude i didn't take anything dude come on bro i didn't have i don't have nothing hold on there's something in your hair oh what the hell dude what's in your hair a cob wow that was interesting that was a good bit like the magic card out of the ear well your hair there's something going on in your hair.

I don't have anything, by the way, in my end. Huh? I don't have anything in my head. Dude. You know what? Fuck. Oh, God. What are you doing, Guy?

I'm cinnamon face. What? What are you doing? What's going on? I'm cinnamon face. What's happening here? What do you... I don't have nothing.

I don't have nothing in my hair. Bro. I don't go nothing. Bro, if you're going to act like a jacked-out boarding school retread. Are you going to do the muffin again? I'm just getting more collectibles. I'm going to have my own Harlan podcast in a minute. Dude.

Oh, I wanted your accent. I'm not going to challenge you about it. Dude. I brought a gift for you. Wow. That's like art. That's beautiful. That is beautiful.

You wanted to ask me about it. You said you're not going to challenge me. You're not going to, you're going to, what do you mean? Well, do you want me to fix that for you? No, it's okay. Tighten the, uh, bolts on the side. That's why, because you had the woman set it up. Yeah. Yeah, you don't like women, huh? No, I'm not, no. I just don't like them with technology. How come, guy? Well, as we saw earlier, it's an explosion in the making. take your time boarding school pervert what did you call me like dude you're sitting there i don't know what you're looking at on your phone it's probably nudie pictures no i'm like oh you got a rubics cube no i brought out here i'm sorry i thought you were looking at boarding school purve pictures or

something oh no no what did you be that idea oh i don't know look at you i don't know how to solve it Can you solve it? Sure. I had a feeling that was coming. You were trying to destroy it with your hands, but you had to do an explosion. If you think I'm going to get a cube made by some guy named Rubik, fuck with me?

Hell no. Yeah, that's true. By the way, can I tell you a cute little story? Do you like owls? Thank you. Whoa, it changed color. How did you do that? I think it was an energy...

I don't know what caused... It wasn't doing that when I touched it. I know. It must have been... It must have been an energy transfer. Um... See, you're... See, you're just being a boarding school jack-wad. Okay, this thing is...

Here, it turned. It's green again. liar you go like this and then it changes you can put it there have a little walk around check it out here we go it's like somebody found it out I found a way to give you That's my sidekick, Wild Willie. Sure, guy. Oh, wirecutters. He's wandering around the studio. I was trying to find another chair because I wanted him to be.

Oh. Well, put them on your lap. I was going to ask if you could do that. I will. I'll put them on my left. I don't want to be photos of me with this thing. Yeah, I'll put them on my lap. This is Wild Willie.

That's Jamal. Wild Willie. Jamal, the killer. He's my sidekick sometimes. Jamal de Quavia is the killer. I say what now, Jeff? See, why did you do that accent when you did that? Because that's the way you talk to you have?

No, he does... No, he talks a little... What's up, player? He's just trying to freak me out. And by the way, that's not a black puppy. That's a white one with the black face. You could tell by the way he moves his mouth. What you're talking about, Willis?

What's up, player? I dare you to squish the cinnamon bun in my face player. I dare you honky? I dare you to squish that cinnamon bun in my face honky. Ah! Ah! Ah! Honky put... Honky put wire. Honky put wire cut in me!

Ah! Well now you better fix it. Now you better fix it, honky. Let's get back to the questions. You can just put him on the floor if you'd like. I thought you were going to smash the cinnamon bun in his face. Oh, I didn't want to damage you. That could be meaningful towards you.

Well, you just stabbed him with some wire cutters. No, I didn't. A cinnamon bun would be a relief from that. No, I didn't do that. Let me fix that. Boarding school. No. I was solving a Rubik's cube.

You're always going to be a boarding school pervert to me, honky. How do you feel about manatees? Why did you do that face? Well, I've tried to ask you 17 times. I don't know what... You've got the attention span of a boarding school, like, free. You keep trying that boarding school stuff. Well, look at you.

It's not true. Dude. Sam we disagree with her. Are you in a boarding school or not? You told me, by the way, you were going to give me $10,000 for this interview. Where's my 10k? I'm going to leave.

I'll put my finger in my ass and make you smell it. Don't be talking jive to me. I'll put my finger in my ass and make you smell it. No, no, no, no, no. Don't bring him back. You need to be a little farther or it's not accurate. Okay. A manatee is like a walrus without teeth. Okay.

It's like a walrus that didn't like the cold. It swam to Florida got its teeth kicked in. They're endangered. They're fat. They eat seagrass. They live in Florida. What are your thoughts on manatees? It's like pulling teeth with you to get answers about endangered species, guys.

Why? The animal. No teeth. It's like a walrus without teeth. That's what I said. A manatee. That's what I said. What are your thoughts?

Dynamite. Dynamite. Dynamite. Dynamite explosion in that room with you, a woman. Okay. What do you do with an endangered species? Look. Is it going to be a...

manatee baby sea turtle that's not an amenity what how do you treat a baby endangered sea turtle show me how you tenderly love it what is this stuff on it that's sinna icing is that what it is

I mean I can do sine face guy if you want to press a turtle into it but no but that was under your pants why is he have that on it because the icing went everywhere it dripped it drooled you ever seen kujo no have you ever sat down on a Saturday night in your living room with your

priest and watch Kudjo. Saturday night, the rabbis, that's when Shabbat ends. Who's Shabbat? That's when they can turn on the internet. Shabbat? No, the rabbi. What about the rabbi? They're not allowed to be on the fires or the internet.

Friday night to Saturday night. Why? Because they're crazy. But that's when all the action is on the internet. That's when I'm stealing, but... What are you stealing? Everything. They're not allowed to call the police. They're not allowed to be on the phone.

Wait, are you out on the street doing juvie stuff? No, I'm going to their house. So you're going to rabbi's houses? Well, they're not there. They're in the temple. They walk, they try to find a nearby temple and start praying. The temple of doom or the regular temple? The evil one is Satan.

Dude, what was that voice, bro? I was just, I don't know. It's not funny to joke about stuff like that. All right, well, I want to talk about your accent. Yes. Because people ask you about it all the time. Yeah. it's legit yes i don't challenge it nice but i thought if i'm gonna have maton evan even even what even yeah yeah

even i use four letters look you tried to rhyme orange and porridge avon maton that's what's called that's that's called a rhyme let's go back to the auction thing i don't like that okay well i want to do some accent well you're here so i can match that's accent bro in a bottle what is that i've never seen it's accent that's a spice oh don't pretend you don't eat it uh excuse me i'm going to do an accent okay hang on you have to open it hang on no you need it a little more i think Mm-hmm. A little more. Mm-hmm.

You got a... Oh, now I got an accident. No, now he... Oh, I understand. I give you an accent. It came on me an accent. Let me try it. Wait, well, before...

You, uh... You rike at a spring roll? Oh, shit. You rike the spring roll, funny guy? I do that accent for funny guy. Harold, how are you? Harrow, how are you? Mongolian beef, please.

Oh, I got it to spring roll. No, mangarian beef. What about two spring roll? I got two spring roll. Another one. Oh, wow. You're really fresh like a cobra king snake. You got a new accent now?

You'll give me your mind. now inward how about some spring roll I just went a little too far I have to stop this bit I was way too much I don't have to cry no I'm not crying

I'm just concerned that was way too much what too much energy like too much what moving on okay I'll do another accent then hey look

I like get out of way from that that then, eh? Get that hell away. What are you doing then? Get that hell away from that. See ya, sit your boarding school ass down. Cheeky. Cheeky. Oh, hang on, cheeky. Here we go again. Yeah. Oh. Oh, now it's really falling apart now. Now I really have to. Now you have to hold it, mate. I can't help you there. Can we switch seats? I'd rather not. Let's do it. Well, all right then.

I'm the guest. Bloody guest. Right then. I thought that might change your accent. Give me a little more. How you doing, mate? I don't like that one. How are you doing that, mate?

I'm from Scotland, don't you know? There's nothing even coming out of here. You're not supposed to hide it's an illusion. You fucking liar, man. You're a fucking liar, man. You boarding school meltdown free. I fucking thought you were easy. Dude.

Dude, come on. Oh, there's the wire cutters guy You ready now? Yeah Go, accent me You want more? Yeah Oh, sorry, I don't know how much you want

That's all right, love? Oh, no, no, can I? Oh, that's lovely, isn't that? You have to try again. Oh, come old man Give me a little Oh, that, that feel good. That feel really good.

Okay, here it goes. Take that box. Oh, you rick at a spring roll? Oh, you can interview me now? I'm in the interview chair room. Can't me my drink there, will you, Gilligan's Island? Just don't press that one, because that'll shut it off. Don't...

Oh, you really... Do you know why you... Gulliver's traveled... Oh, I've got headphones on. Not so loud. Right there. Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Just take it off, then. Oh.

Thank you. Would you please pass me... I thought Asian was supposed to be smart. Oh, you pass me my grape of juice, freeze. No, you can't go in and out of these. Well, you have to stay. Listen, as a guy who has an accent, it's completely real. It has to be all time. So if you can stick to it. Okay. No, no, no, just go back to normal then. You already lose it. Don't get snappy. Whoa. All right. Go ahead.

Describe your life 30 years from now. Where are you? What are in here? 30 years from now? I don't think this coach makes much sense. I'll probably be dead. But, let me, can I finish? Am I allowed to finish on my own podcast, even though? It's called operant conditioning. Pavlowe's dog, every time he rang a bell. his dog would salivate.

You can get that glimmer to get this. Huh? Wait what I said. Hang on. What'd you say? Am I supposed to hold this? Oh, now I see where you're getting these props. Wait, wait a minute, what props?

What you? What is that? Huh? Wait, what? Wait, what? Whoa, dude. See, I can do the trick too. Oh, that's words from a wooden shoe.

That's the final bit. If you're the host, you save that for the end. Can I ask you one? I know you're the host, but can I ask you one question? Go ahead. You, uh, right? Could you spring a roll? Sorry, I got a little question.

That's okay. I'd like to get an answer to my question. Oh, you're the host. You have to do cinnamon face now. I realized. You have to do cinnamon face. See how it feels? Put it on.

And I'm going to throw the muffin of your face now. Come on, cinnamon face. Do the voice. Muffin. Ready? Yes. You got us do the voice. Don't throw the muffin in my cinnamon face.

Go ahead. You got to do the voice. Muffin. You want another one? Yeah, you have another one. At least do a cartoon voice. Cinnamon. Right in the old bread basket.

Can I ask you a serious question, though? Go ahead. You like the Springer roll? No, I'm not doing that bit. What? Do I get this? Is this for me? Yeah, you like Arby's?

No, but I can flip this for however much it is. Have you ever been to Arby's? One time I went to the drive-thru. Talk to me. Tell me about that story. This will be fascinating. Yeah, I went to the drive-thru. I said, can I please get a cup of water?

They said yes. And then when I pulled up to the window, they said, 12-89. I said, no, I got a cup of water. He said, okay, that's fine, pull up to the next window. And then in the next window, they gave me a cup of water. But I said, no, I had that 12-89 order, and they gave me the order for 12-89. You didn't order for food? No, but I did a trick.

I acted like I was the guy behind me. And the guy was the water had already got it. So you grifted the guy behind you? Grifted? I mean, I don't know if that's the correct terminology, but I believe it is. I definitely did something, some treat. The story was more interesting than you thought it would be. It was.

Yes. But you'll admit Arby's is a food restaurant. What's your favorite food? From there? No, just period. Um. A chicken McNugget. Are you sure it's not...

You like this spring roll? You looked at that. I thought you were going for that one. I can't reach it. Can you, um... Can you put the spring roll right here? What are you doing? Dude.

Dude. I'm getting them away so we don't have to hear this shit anymore about this spring roll. Getting fed up with it. All right, next question, host, Caesar's salad face. If you lit your hair on fire, how long would it burn and do you think you could walk in a cave long enough before your head went out in a goddark? Oh, you got a fortune cookie. Yeah, I brought that here. Read your fortune.

You got to read the, you don't eat the fortune, guy. Guy! You don't eat the fortune? Guy, how you give the fortune? You got to read it, bro. Let's hear your fortune. Soon you'll have a chance at a profitable transaction. Yes!

Wait, say that again? That's the worst. That's my favorite fortune I've ever got. Read that. I want to keep it. I'll give it back. Wow, that's heavy. Wow.

I got rolled in the basement of a boarding school, and I got rolled behind a dairy queen? Dude, you got rolled behind a dairy queen? I give you a fortune. It's your turn now. Oh, where is it? It fell on the floor. Entertain them while I pick it up.

Do you do singing or anything? Let me try something. Do some hair shapes. Do like origami with your hair. Please, guys, you need to get it. Okay. Please, guys, if you're watching, I did this podcast, please make sure to check out my movie Speed Racer that I directed.

He's coming back to theaters for a couple of weeks. We're going to see if it does good, if it does well enough with your support. He's going to come back to theaters for a longer amount of time. What are you? Okay, he's eating stuff off the floor. Please watch my movie Speed Racer came out about 20 years ago, something like that. And I just want to make sure.

Speed racer. Yes, I want to make sure the movie does well so we can keep it in theaters. Go speed racer. Thank you to the Warner Brothers for helping me direct the movie. Go speed racer. I would like to thank some of the cast like Emil Hirsch, Christina Ricci, and other people who help make the movie possible and all those involved in the movie. Is Christina Ricci a guy or a girl? I believe it's a woman.

I didn't say that. I said guy or girl for 300? GUR. GUR. Yeah. My stomach is hurting. So is my heart. Wait.

You're fortunate, go ahead. Okay. Ready? Ready? Could you hand me my glasses for 300, please? Oh, wow. Ow! Wow.

Wow. It looked like boarding school beef. Oh, God. Why's he saying? Are you sure you want to hear this for 400, please? No it. Okay. You sure?

Yep. Someone very close to you with you close to you with a full set of hair was rolled behind a dairy queen. Let me see that. It was rolled in a white man. I'm just reading what it said. Guy for 600, please. You fucking liar. It says

you will bring sunshine into someone's life. I lied for 700, please. Hey, everybody, my brand new book, Uncle Milton, is here at last. It's a collection of strange but wonderful short stories, and you can read that along with some of my other books. I bet you didn't know that I wrote books, did you? It's a little secret I've had. We have craved with zombie stories,

and we have journeys, people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life. Sex, Sin, and Satan, where we explore some darker themes, and don't look under the bed, some twilights, Stories for Bedtime Reading at Harlan Williams.com. So where do you see yourself in 30 years? I would like to hopefully be directing Speed Racer 4. Try to think. I mean, I guess that's a long period of time before Speed Racer 2 and 3,

but we definitely have some work to do. So there's a good amount of stuff I have to do before I'm able to get to the fourth one. What's your obsession with Speed, Guy? No, not Speed, just the movie I don't. directed, I just want to make sure, I keep mentioning it because that's why I'm doing all these interview appearances. That's why I started my podcast. But what I'm picking up from you is you're just nuts about race cars and speed and driving fast. Talk about that to me. That's so fascinating.

It's a great movie. For 300? It has to be a little more. Great. For 600? Stephen. Stephen? What's your name? Stephen? What's for 800? Okay, now we're moving on to the next thing. Now we know, but your fascination with speed and driving. And who are some of your directorial influences? For 200? Um... The game theory guy? Uh, say again, for free?

Yeah, for free. The guy who does the game theories, he comes up with games like how Mario or something on Minecraft, Steve. Okay, nobody knows what you're talking about, but please continue. You don't know him? Please continue even though nobody knows what you're talking about. He started film theory, they come out with theories about films. Theories about films?

Yeah. I would like to stay sort of in the realm of race car, speed, racer-type movies. Yes. Excuse me while I lick my fingers. 200. I was trying to look up how long these podcasts are, but if it wasn't looking at a drink here? Yes, take a drink and then take a stink. Are you ready, Matanavon, for words from a wooden shoe?

Oh, here we go, yeah, let's do it. By the way, before we do the final segment, do you want to say anything or do anything, like anything at all? Yes, I would like to give a quick word. Guys, if you enjoyed the podcast today, please check out my movie that I directed Speed Racer. is back in theaters next weekend so I want to make sure he does well

and people are excited to see it and hopefully we can get working on the next one guys thank you so much do you want to sing the theme song nope I don't like singing do you want me to sing it sure go ahead go speed racer

go speed racer hang on let me fix my foundation go speed racer go Thank you. So you can read the words out of the wooden shoe. I feel like we didn't get to a lot of questions, though. This has been the most amount of questions I've ever answered. Okay, words from a wooden shoe is the final segment.

How long do you, let me see. An hour. Let me see if you're relying to me and you want to get me out of here. And you're right at the precipice. No, you do more than an hour, one hour, 30, one hour, 11, one hour, Yeah, but words from a wooden shoe takes 15 minutes. Oh, really? Yeah.

How long are we at now? We're at 53. But I'll do bonus stuff if you want to be here longer because I love you guys. I just like... Like, I love you as a human being to a human being. I don't love you like in any other way. Like, I don't love to look at you. I don't love your odor.

Yeah, yeah. But as a soul, as a boarding school, bacon boy, I love you. Okay. you'll kill me i said okay i thought i heard i kill you the podcast i just i would like you to kill me actually why is that we all have to go we all have to go one day what am i going to lay in a bed with colon cancer you rather what am i'd rather be murdered by you like pommie why not a better there's something about your little pink boarding school flesh i picture you at night slapping yourself so you're pink like a shrimp like i just i don't know the idea of

Do you have a cheruby pink? All right, it's time for the wooden shoe game. All right, before we do the wooden shoe, can I ask one final question. One final question with your approval. Yeah. You like the Springer Roll? Oh, you like the two Springer Roll guy? At least offer me a fortune cookie with it.

Okay. I'm okay, I pass. You sound like a termite. You ever heard a termite chewing through wood? Yeah, I sell termites to people. How much? For termites? Yeah.

I mean, I don't sell them like each termite individually. It depends what you want to do. Like a dozen. That's not how it works. I mean, it's like, it's a flat rate of what you're trying to do. If you give me a guy's house that you want to get eaten, then I'll send the termites. The amount there depends. You won't get a specific number.

A small Barry Manilow summer cottage. I don't know. I have to think about it during the wooden shoe game. Let's move on. Wow. They're puffy stuff. All right, so wooden shoe. Words from a wooden shoe, my guy.

How's his game work? You reach in, you pull out a word, and see if it sparks a story from something in your life. A moment, a memory. I'll close my eyes while I do it. Being rolled behind a dairy queen by some priests. What does rolled mean? Like, raped? I'll leave that up to you.

No, it doesn't. I was not. I'm just asking if you've ever been rolled in a white fan behind a dairy queen. I was trying to get it in there. Sorry about that. That's what she said. Okay. I'm going to do it with my eyes close.

That's what she said too. Can you see what it says or am I holding it opposite? Here, try another one. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, you got it a springer roll. Dude, you don't eat the words. You read them. That one of those tasty bag. Let me grow up.

You like it is spring a roll? The prank phone call. Okay. Any stories? No, I'm not. I don't like pranksters. Shame on them. But did you ever, okay.

Let me help you here. Because you're running what you said you're 13? Yeah. A prank phone call. Have you ever been on the receiving end of one? Have you ever done one on a Saturday night? Just before you got rolled behind the Dairy Queen. That's enough with that.

Well, I'm just telling them how I see it. That's enough. Power player. Give me a different wooden shoe. Jeez. Take that nazist thing out of it. Oh, you mean the spring of roll? Dude. You really sprung at the spring.

Sunburn? Yeah. You look like a prime candidate for that. I don't know what they say. Black don't crack. What do you mean? I don't get a sunburn because of my skin color. You think you're black?

Dude, if you're black, I'm a Vietnamese school girl. No, you're not because I'm black and you're Harlan William. What am I? Harlan Wilm. Willem? Yes. Somebody's got in my ear. You got some accent.

How about you try? How about you take something from the shoe? Now I've done one. Well, you got to hand it to me. Okay. You got to do it properly and set it up, like so they know what we're doing. Tell them. Um.

Tell them how it works. The shoe, he takes a number from it and that's how much money I win. Hang on. You're like sort of like a host guest, hostess Cupcake, guest jeans. Why hostess Cupcake? Host doesn't holy host guest, guest clue, the game Clue. Wedding story. Go ahead.

I went to a, hang on, let me take some accent because this happened in the UK. No, you didn't use it again. Stop being a... Dude. There you go. Now you really did use it. All right. Listen to my story.

Shut your pie. It's not deep enough. Try again. Look, shut your pie hole. A little more. Fucking naughty little fucker you are. Little fucking twat you is. Little boarding school twat.

Almost like Damien the omen. A little more. Ah, fuck your sister on the subway track, eh? Uh. All right. I went to London, England, right? Yes. My best friend was getting married.

Yes. We went to an old fancy church in the middle of London, right? I was living in Germany at the time, mate. I flew from Germany to London on Lufthansa air, if you can believe it, mate. Why were you in Germany? Look, it's my story, but I'm going to tell you. Why, I'm just asking you. I was living there doing some, like, animation, computer.

animation right yeah i'm living there i mean mate gets married in london england to a british gal london's that's what a 16 hour flight from here yeah but when you're living in germany mate it's only like an hour and a half hey went from germany to i was living in germany i was doing like computer animation like i told you about 40 seconds ago okay maybe if you took the fudge out your ears so look mate i go to this way It was bloody beautiful Where was the wedding? Where was the wedding?

It was right downtown London, England, mate. Wow, London, that's far away. That's far away. Where'd you come from? Germany. Why were you in Germany? I was doing like computer animation. I think I mentioned it maybe

just about 20 fucking seconds ago, mate. Okay, moving on, go continue your story. So it's a bloody beautiful church, one of old English church, mate. And I'm there. and I go in and the groom is... Why were you in Germany? I was doing a thing called computer animation.

And I'm sitting on this side of the church, we got the groom and all the groom's guests. And on the other side of the aisle, we got all the, what's the girl called that gets married? Even devil. The devil. So we got the groom and the devil. The devil's friends and family are sitting over here. The grooms friends and family are sitting here. They're walking up the middle.

I look across an older woman, maybe like 45 years old. I'm on... Hey? What? Forty-five-year-old woman, beautiful. Look like Kelly LeBrock. You ever seen Kelly LeBrock? No, I have no idea that he's way past my time.

Well, you might want to look it up one night when you're laying in bed, feeling all boarding school. if you know what I mean. No, I don't know what you mean. You know, boarding schoolie, laying in your bunk bed, all pink and slapped up like a boiled shrimp. So I'm sitting over here, mate. She's sitting over there.

We lock eyes. I'm only like 27 years old. Older lady. After the wedding at the reception, she comes up, ask me how I'm getting home. And I said, I'm taking a cab. She goes, where are you staying?

I'm staying at my friend's house over in this area. She goes, I live right by there. Why don't we take a cabby together? So we get in the cab. She says, why don't we stop at my place for a drinky poo? We stop at her place, mate. And let me tell you, I don't know if you've ever been on a ride at Walt Disney World, night of a thousand pleasures.

It's one of the rides in the back behind the Dairy Queen. And let's just say, she took me. to town. She took me up town. She took me downtown. She took me up. Hold on. She took me all around. And it was bloody lovely. Hello? Oh, there, mate? You are like any spring a roll? Why were you in Germany? What the hell? What Dude. Why were you in Germany? How is that?

I was doing this thing. I was doing some computer animation. I believe I mentioned it about 45 seconds ago. Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day? Because I think we're in it right now. Why? I just woke up. How'd you sleep?

Okay, it was a quick nap while you were telling that shit story. What? The one about the wedding. Try again. Oh, mate. You don't make you this easy on me? You really need glasses to read two words? That's right.

Chaste. Chaste? Yeah. Let me see it? Whoa, dude. You got to have a chased story. You've definitely been chased. If you've been rolled, you've been chased.

Um, I didn't ever been chased, but I done the chasing. Talk to me, Guy. Here we go. Whoa. In the dreams, like, you know how sometimes you can have nightmares and also sometimes you can have very nice dreams. You ever heard of lucid dreaming? Yes, sir.

So I've been practicing lucid dreaming for a couple years, and about my six or seventh attempt, I imagine myself down south chasing. Chasing what, if I dare ask? You may not ask, but at the end of the story, as I can say it. You haven't dreamt that far? No, I did. I don't want to continue the story. I know you don't, but they want you to.

You don't really have a choice. I had a spear in my hand. You had a spear. in your hand. Your turn. Dude. You got to take that? I don't.

Large predatory cat. That's your story to tell. Can I tell it? Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh. Oh. Oh, wow! Wow, ah, wha,

wha, Oh, Oh. Oh. Oh. Ooh. I'm glad you got that out of me though that's been you know I think that's been like a suppressed

are you okay the fuck was that that was extreme I mean that was pretty impressive but wow what was that that was my large predatory cat story what planet are you from he sat there making cat noises for over a minute uh it was for the cats listening Dalo

You look good Hold on Hold that pose Hold that pose Oh shit Don't fail me now Your headphones are about to fall off You have about ten tickets

Hold on Hold on hold that pose guy The headphones are about a phone off Hold on there it is there it is ladies and gentlemen the transition is complete Sigourney Weaver Jr.

That is the one that looks the most like me Yeah it is That's the best photo of it Of you I guess I mean that's a fucking woman But sure Well Someone might be a little girl too

Uh Ladies and gentlemen Avan Matan please plug your podcast. No, my movie. Your movie. Guys, please check out Speed Racer. It's a movie I directed a little while ago.

It's going to be coming back to theaters if you want to help support me. Watch it while it's back. If it does well enough, it'll come back again and again and again to theaters. And then hopefully we can get another speed racer in the works. Is Sigourney Weaver in it? I guess the director is, yeah. Go Speed Racer. Go.

Speed racer, go speed racer, go-oh. Do you want to plug your podcast, my guy? No, I stopped doing it. Yeah, probably for the best. I was getting sick of it. My sponsor dropped me after I said, I got a... You were getting sick of it. Well, my sponsor was this one company.

They tried to help with hygiene. I said it gave me a rash, so I'm in a lawsuit battle now. Great. My ad guy dropped me. It's all over. I love that. How many guys have you been dropped by? You're trying to make it a gay thing for the 10 times.

You said your ad guy dropped you. Why do I keep asking about the gay? You said your ad guy dropped you. You know what? Shame on them. Don't yell at cinnamon face. Ha ha ha ha. You can't laugh at me because I'm laughing at you.

Ha ha ha. I'm cinnamon face. I'm cinnamon face. That's mine now. That's mine. Now how do you? we're done guy that's it for today ladies and gentlemen we got nothing left matan has left the building with the equipment until next time this is the harland highway podcast i don't know which way to look

now uh chicken chau main baby i don't know how i i don't know how to do this matan I don't know. I can't focus on two things at once. Until next time, chicken chame. Yes? Please tell me when this episode released because I have a schedule to go out with your address. When's your next period?

I'm not that woman in the full moon. Your next period and the full moon is when... Where you... Finally, boarding school, I hope he gets rolled behind the Dairy Queen tonight. Big time. See you next time. Hey everybody.

How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh? You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.