The Harland Highway - MATAN introduces SPIDER-GIRL to the world! Also golden gopher teeth, spring rolls, and old age!

Episode Date: September 15, 2026

Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. This episode is sponsored by Hims & Hers -To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss,, and more, visit Hims.com/harland Night of the Iguana https://youtu.be/UEKBRi9ofHc?si=yv4hn1kRerU4DNrf More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Matan: X:https://x.com/mataneven Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/matanevenoff/?hl=en Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@matanevenoff#podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey gang, just another quick reminder to check out my cool new animated series exclusively on YouTube, ArtVengers. Check it out at artvengersworld.com, the ArtVengers, and see what's happening. You're going to have fun. Show your kids. They're going to love it. ArtVengers. Have you ever gone to the joke store and bought like golden gopher teeth and put them in your mouth and chewed through drywall? I don't think so. Is that in edits? I can't really see well from him.

Those are gopher teeth. Ever put those in and like chewed through a steam bath at the YMCA or anything? Go like that. That's it? That's just just it. I just wanted to know if you've ever put in golden gopher teeth in your mouth and chewed through drywall. I don't know why you have to have a fit. Headphones or no.

No, no, I'm good, but thank you. You're good? I think of you is great. Great. You say you're good, but when I look at you, when I'm in your aura, I think of you as great. Good doesn't even come into place. So you just said good again. You should have said that's great.

Gray? Great. Great. Yeah. Everything about you is great. Don't you agree? Yes. Folks, Matan is here.

We don't know his last name. Maybe we'll find it out today. Evan. Wait. Your first name's your last name? No, Matan, Evan. Yeah, but Evan's a first name, my guy. No, EVE-E-N, not E-V-A-N. Yeah, you're what I call ass backwards, right out of the gate.

Your name's wrong. Right. It's Evan Muton. Maton's your last name. Did you not know that? I didn't. Dude. How old are you? All this time.

I'm 19 now. Yeah. For 19 years you didn't know your name was backwards. I had never thought about that. Did you ever hear of a guy named George Michael? George Michaels? The singer. No.

His real name's Michael George. I think you and him might be dyslexic. But those are just two first names, Michael and George. Right. But you've been saying your name backwards. But he didn't have that same issue, so that wouldn't be a great example. But he did a lot of things backwards, if you know what I mean. Was he gay?

I didn't say that. I just said he did stuff backwards. I mean, that wouldn't, you know. Well, I don't know who you're talking about, so I don't really get the reference. George Michael. Has a girl ever given you a careless whisper? Your friend's either a chipmunk or a muskrat, because that's how they sound. Do it again, guy?

Yeah. No, I brought him in. He's going to do a bit halfway through the episode where he throws the table across. the room. He throws the table? Not again. I've already had that. That happened already? It happened already. Yeah. It caused a lot of damage and a lot of heartbreak and yeah. I thought that was an original idea. No, someone already did that. Yeah, they flipped the whole table over. But they probably came by themselves, so at least that's different. No, they came with like nine people. But you came with one. Dude, are you, you don't talk, right? That's my manager.

That's vinyl floor plan? Viro flooring. He's like a red pillar. What's a peeler? Like a stripper? No, pillar. He talks about like women and how to make money and, you know, kind of being successful for yourself. Okay. You don't want to grow old and then not have any money or be in a relationship where, you know, the woman is in the dominant position or whatever the issue could be. I don't know. Well, you're only 19. What do you know about women?

Well, that's why I listen to him. Well, how old is the chipmunk? I think he's about 20 years old, maybe 20. Maybe he's like 35, I don't know. If you are a virgin, giggle. Yeah, so he's not going to be any help. Well, you'd be surprised. He's really good.

But he's a verge. Well, he didn't say yes. He just laughed at you. I said, if you're a virgin, do a maniacal chipmunk satanic devil giggle. Well, ask him the other way around, and let's see if he still laughs. Okay. If you're a woman, giggle. Yeah.

You see, I think he's just going to laugh at you no matter what because you don't have his respect yet. Oh, I have his respect. Are you sure? I'm a comedian. You know how I find out if I have respect, people laugh at my jokes? Hey, Pimento boy. Knock, knock.

See, that's respect. When you laugh at a comedian, that's full respect, my guy, my player. It's hard to get his respect, too, so that's very impressive. I got it right out of the gate. Yeah. Do you have his respect? respect? I don't know. Well, he said no. Yeah. So what is it? I have to work my way up. But wait a minute. If he's a

verge and you're only 19, are you a verge? I am. I don't know if he's, but I am. You're a virgin. Yeah. How does that make you feel? We've got to talk about that. Well, I'm waiting. I feel like till marriage because I don't want to accidentally respond to like the wrong Instagram message and then in like six years I'm accused of raping somebody or you know, you never know what happens. Maybe I actually did do it and then it wouldn't be an accuser. I'm just trying to stay away from all of that. Better save than sorry. I don't know.

Something like that. So wait, you're afraid that if you have sex before you're married, someone might accuse you of doing it illegally. Well, you never know. It's very possible. But couldn't they do that within the kind funds of marriage too? My guy?

I guess, but I feel like it's a lot less likely, right? you're more so able to defend yourself too. You know where that person is at all times. But as a fresh 19-year-old with peachy, keen skin and a whatever that wig is, don't you crave the touch of a woman? Don't you want to be cuddled and made love to on a steamy hot Friday night down in the valley? Well, I'm kind of, you know, I try to be practical, not practical, I guess, but real fishing with things.

I've limited down all of the things that I enjoy. And now I only do things that are straight to making money. But wait a minute. If a beautiful woman comes on to you, she's very seductive, she's wearing fishnet stockings. Well, that hasn't happened. I haven't put myself in a position where something like that could take place. But a woman could just walk up to you and be seductive.

It's not like you have a choice. Well, then that could be money time. That could be like a lawsuit on my end if they have some money. That could be classified as, like sexual harassment. No, I'm saying just seductively flirting with you. Nothing physical, nothing. Just, uh, she's,

women. Typically I wouldn't talk to them. So, I mean, that would have to be an initial reason for me to do it. But women are powerful, my guy. They can lure you in just with their aura, with their mind,

with their presence. It's the exact opposite. They're completely powerless. I don't think so. Well, my guy. I think you'd be surprised. So you've never had a woman strut up to you and a low crop top or a mini skirt and rub up against you or say sweet nothing's in your ear.

That's just past harassment at that point. That's like actual assault. And the answer to that is no, no, that hasn't happened. Have you ever kissed a woman? Your lips have never touched a woman's lips. No, I'm telling you, it's all, you know, at some point I'm sure I'll get married, you know, I'll move further on that. But I have to have to have time for it.

Right now I'm real busy. But you're going to wait till you're married before you're. put your lips on another woman's lips. I guess so, yeah. My guy, you're missing out. You think so? Yeah. Are you married?

No. Why not? See, that's what I mean. You didn't go the way I did it. Now you're your age. And all you have is a really nice house and a bunch of money. I was married.

Oh, you were? Yeah. And then what happened? And it went away. She left or there was some issue? There was issues. What was the issue? It was just not being able to see eye to eye.

About what? She only had one eye, if I'm being honest. But then you could see, well, actually, you could see eye to eye. Yeah, you're right, yeah. That actually would be perfect for seeing eye to eye. You're right. Yeah. How did I not see eye to eye?

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through the way I see like football players or like soccer players act like overseas where they have a bunch of money and they're addicted to like hookers and then they'll put all of the money in like their mother's name and then when they go through like four divorces they get to look real cool after when they don't have to give any of the money away. God, man, you talk a sweet game. It's a cool thing.

And then they could actually be, they might actually get something by the end of it. You talk a real sweet game. Have you ever tried to pick up a chick like at a food court or at a mini mart or a strip market? Yeah. Physically pick them up? Have you ever tried to hit on a girl and ask her out?

No, I've never done that. My guy That's surprising Yeah You're like a handsome kid You got you got a kind of an allure to you You got a sexual chemistry Right guy

But you must know it Look at you, you're like a Sort of like a cowboy A cowboy? That seems like a compliment Yeah you got kind of that That silent kind of cowboy mystique Interesting

I think the women watching right now Are kind of attracted to you Well, nonetheless, it doesn't really matter to me in my current position. I don't think you understand the power of a woman, my guy. In many years, I'll have a lot more things that I've collected than the average person because I don't like to throw stuff away. But you don't want a woman? Well, then there will be slightly less room in my apartment.

It'll be like, you know, a hundred pounds less. Oh. I just have a bunch of trash, you know. Okay. In case they like change how... These bottle looks one day. I don't like to throw them away because it'll be a collector's item. A Gatorade bottle.

Well, if they change how they look, let's say they make the caps red from now on. Yeah. Then I'll have one of the orange ones. And nobody else has that because they all throw them away. So you'd think that there's a lot of stock of them. You ever go picking around in a landfill? Not a landfill, but I've definitely went through like dumpsters at like GameStop before. You have?

Well, a lot of the time they'll release a game. Nobody buys it. They'll throw it all in the trash. So you go digging in the dumpster. I haven't had time to do it recently, but it's actually a very good idea. I love it, my guy. Speaking of chipmunks and gophers, I want to ask you this. I got a picture here.

Have you ever gone to like, where's this thing? Have you ever gone to the joke store and bought like golden gopher teeth and put them in your mouth and chewed through drywall? I don't think so. Is that in edit? I can't really see well from him. Those are gopher teeth. Ever put those in and like chewed through a steam bath at the YMCA or anything?

No, is the next photo going to be me with that guy's teeth? Did I just call it? No. That's what I'm expecting. Can we go to the next photo? I know that's what's going to be there. This is it. Go like that.

One over. There is none. Look, it's just... That's it. That's just it. I just wanted to know if you've ever put in golden gopher teeth in your mouth and chewed through drywall. I don't know why you have to have a fit.

I don't think I've done that. It sounds intriguing. Hang on my wig. Do you wear a wig or is that real hair? It's real. I've considered cutting it. I got you a present here. I don't know if you've ever seen this, but it's a wig cap.

I got it for you to put on your wig. just to keep it in control. Look at Chipmunk going nuts. Well, I was going to put it on my head. Let him put it on, vinyl floor planning. See, he's, he's pragmatic. He knows it won't be good for me.

He knows how more recognizable with the hair. Then let me put it on. Come on, Chipmunk lips. Grab it out of his pocket, Mattan. I want to put it on. He has a bunch of stuff in his leg. What's in your leg? Let's see what's in your leg, guy.

Put it on the table, so everybody. can see. What is that? What is this? Airheads. What else? What's this say? Kinder. It's a chocolate bar. You know what Kinder means in German, right? Oh.

What are these animal crackers? Oreos. See, he has all that stuff because in case you come across like a kid or something, you can give it to them and quiet them down. Come across a kid. A lot of the time they're loud. Yeah, Kinder means kid in German.

So this is all kid's stuff. Yeah. What's he doing? Magic. That goes on your wig, my guy. I might want to take the hat off, player. Oh, here we go. Oh, yeah, dude.

It's a better look? Yeah. Here, put this down just a little bit. Oh, wow. That is a cool look for you. I look black now like I'm ready to rob a gas station for $30? No, no, you look sort of like, I don't know, you're like the new X-Men. You're like wig cap man or something.

Don't look, is it intimidating, though? I can't really see. My eyes are getting watery. I'm going to be honest. And this isn't, I'm not taking a shot at you. Look up at the camera there. You look a little bit like a young girl. Oh.

Like it makes you look like sort of a beautiful young girl. No, I caught it in my fucking ear Oh no You've got a wig cap in your ear I'll just keep it there Otherwise it's gonna fly out of my ear I'll probably rip my ear off How many earrings do you have

Two On one on each side Well one on one side Would actually It's kind of a sign of gay people I didn't know that And then somebody asked me They thought I only had one earring

Why is it gay Well I don't know why it's gay But I learned that a couple of years ago Because I had two in But somebody thought I had one And then they came up to me this gay fellow. You're gay.

You're my studio in West Hollywood. He tried coming up to me. And I told him, listen, if you don't back off, there's going to be a big problem. He said, well, I thought you only had one earring. And he said, what are you talking about? And then he explained that that's kind of a symbol for gay people. I said, if I ever saw him again, I would kill him.

I said, I know those guys are about as defensible as women. So you're gay a little bit. No, I guess it completely minuses it out. If you have one, you're gay. If you have two, you're not gay. Right. but you can't put both earrings in at the same time. You probably put in one at a time.

No. So for a brief 45 seconds before the other one goes in, you're gay until the other one goes in. No, I got it done about 10 years ago. The guy did both in one shot. You're a 45 second gay. No, he did both in one shot, two guns at once. That's not possible.

According to who? The gay. I mean, to John Wayne Gacy. The killer? Yeah. The gay. Is there any evidence? of that? I don't know. I don't know too much about this.

Yeah. Okay, I want to go back to our age difference. Because you said you're still a teenager, right? Yeah, I'm 19. I want to show you something, my guy. See if you know what this is. Do you want to eat any cheesage from his pants? Sure.

By the way, what is this? What is that a landline? See, it took you a minute to even know. Have you ever used one? I used to have one of those when I was a kid, yeah. Like how old? Probably about five years old. It didn't work. I found it in a dumpster because, you know, where I grew up in the projects, it was real tough. There was not a lot of things. So you had to find shit to play with. That's why I'm a collector. It reminds me when I was a kid and I didn't have nothing. Can I call you on a landline and see if you know how to work it? I shouldn't have put it on my head. I'm an idiot. You got a wig cap on stuck on your ear. Yeah, I would just leave it if I were you.

Oh, God. Oh, wow. Are you getting angry? Put it back over your face, maybe. Yeah, that'll help. Yeah, there you go. But look at my ear now. You see what I'm talking about?

Yeah. Oh, you look like one of the X-Men. Oh, you said that. You look like wig cap man. Like you could smell a wig from a million miles away. What's he doing? Why do you have cheez-its in your crotch, my guy? in case he comes across any little kids

Wait, what's that mean? You know, to give him something to eat, to shut him up. You like cheese it? How do you do you know how to work it? I'm asking you if you know how to work it. Do you know how to work a landline? He doesn't want you to touch it. He's saying it's tampered with his right.

Did you put a wire in it? No, I just wondered if you know how to use it because you're a teenager. Here, bring this down of it so we can see your beautiful face. You almost look like the Mona Lisa. You know that painting? Like, that's Van Gogh, my guy. That's a real one?

No, that's not real. Van. Yeah, you look, you almost look like the girl from Beetlejuice. The retarded black guy? No, the girl. Who? The girl from Beetlejuice, Wednesday. Except you look like Thursday, maybe.

I don't think he's a girl. I mean, it might be the size of one. I don't know why those people usually have deformities. You'd think it's like just a brain problem. And maybe because their brains develop differently, their head would look different, but a lot of the times they're actually smaller as well. And they're kind of a weird-looking stomach

that's like protruding, and then it goes up kind of weirdly, if you've ever seen one of them. One of what? One of those retards. Wait, you're describing a mentally retarded human being? Yeah, I don't know why they look different physically. You'd think it's only like a brain thing, right?

Well, in some cases it is, in some cases it isn't. Who's to determine that? I guess science, biology, if you believe in God, I don't know. I don't know the answer to that question. Well, if you believe, yeah, it could be a cruel punishment, for sure. It's just, it's a deformity. It's there's disruption in the embryo. There's disruption in the womb.

The chemicals misaligned. the genes, the chromosomes. Do you have any kids? Not that I would talk about. If you had, let's say, you got a girl pregnant and we were able to tell before that it had one of those messed up things we're talking about.

Would you get rid of it? Wow, good question. You know, I would have to sit and think about it. I thought about it before. It's a big fear of mine. What's your answer? Well, I would for sure want to get rid of it. My fear is that I would have to be in a relationship

with somebody who agrees, and that would be kind of one of the requirements, but I have a feeling that nothing can be agreed upon then because they're in a woman's brain when something even small happens, all the emotions get messed up and they can't think straight. And that's like a big thing. It's like a double big thing.

You have a kid and then it gets messed up, even though they agree before that we got to get rid of him. But how do you know so much about the psychology of women when you've never even kissed one? I've seen videos of people destroying them in arguments online. Why are you picking your nose? I'm pulling it out of my nose, actually. Well, it looks like you're picking your net face.

Well, I don't look serious? No, I would, would you like an Oreo? I'd love to see you eat an Oreo through your wig mask. Are you hungry at all, little fella? That was in his pants. Okay, it is. It's got a wrapper on it. It's got a wrapper on it.

So try it out. If I eat one, will you eat one? No. Well, then forget it. You can't play the player. You want any? So to answer your question, it's a question a lot of people struggle with. If you know in advance that your child is going to be abnormal, maybe mentally challenged, physically challenged,

and you were in a position where you could terminate the pregnancy knowing, do you do it if you were to do it, do you do it out of compassion, said future child? You do it out of compassion for yourself and your wife and potentially your other children because you're subjecting everybody to a complete hell for about 35 years before the guy dies because nobody cared about his health

like his physical health, so they just let him eat a bunch of junk food all day. But have you, that being said, which is a valid argument, yeah. Have you ever been around a mentally challenged child? They're very fun to be around if you don't have to take care of them. I'll give you that. You've been around them. Yes. When and where? In school, you know, they have those classes, but sometimes around lunch, they'll get loose and they'll

engage with normal people. The kids will get loose. Well, you know, it's usually like a 25-year-old who's kind of doing an in-between job and she has to deal with like 25 mentally dis-meantly, mentally retarded people every once in a while, one of them is going to get loose at lunchtime. And just run wild. And then they have to say on the speaker, if anybody sees like one of those crazy people, please report him to the office. Is it sort of like just for them to sort of understand? Is it like if a cow gets out of

the corral? Like it's wild and running loose? Well, that would be a concern. That wouldn't really be funny. You know what I mean? And there was a point where when I went to school where there was a new one, like the teacher had quit. So they had to get a replacement.

Yeah. Like a substitute for that class. So they were escaping all the time at lunch. So they would always have to do these announcements to catch them and they would actually start offering up rewards to people who turned them in. So the mental children would escape. It's like you got to be a bounty hunter during lunch and then they would give you like a free lunch pass for the next day. I got a, I turned a couple of them in. So there was a bounty on the mentoids and you went sort of bounty hunting for tards?

Well, everybody would do it. Not even for the reward. Nobody even cared. I mean, the food, the little food card they would give you is like worth three bucks. and all of the food tasted like ship, but it was just fun. You'd have like 100 people roaming around in the bathrooms kind of looking for one of these people, and then you'd find him like in the corner shaking and saying stuff that doesn't mean anything.

Do you remember anything they said? And if you could do it while you're shaking, I'd love to just so... So we can paint a picture. They kind of look like that guy. They look real deranged and scared. So how are they shaking? That guy's face.

How were they shaking? Something like that. They're not scared. They look deranged and scared, but they don't really. care. I don't even know if they can process that emotion. And you said while they were shaking, they were saying nutty things. Do you remember any of them? Here's an interesting perspective. What if actually they're completely fine and none of these mentally retarded people actually

have any deficiencies? They're just very bad people who want to make life difficult on their parents and their siblings. Hmm, that'd be a long game prank right there. Would you like, can I get you a log or a piece of wood to chew through with your, chipmunk giggles or your muskrat teeth like a piece of wood I have a bad feeling my ear is going to turn green soon yeah I think you're probably going to get infected

I think so but at least you don't look like one of those kids from the school you were talking about well they actually have it pretty easy yeah so back to the question because it's an honest question it sounds like a cruel question my guy but you're not a cruel question pose an honest question. Many parents, conservative, liberal, all kinds of parents, they would have

to confront a question like that. Do you want to bring a life into the world? Do you want to have to care for a life that is physically and mentally challenged? It's a lot of burden and it might not be a high quality of life for the kid. So you really do have to decide would you do it? I don't think the quality of the life for the kid is really one of the questions here. People might pose that a way to not feel bad for themselves, but it's either a quality, whatever, a lower quality of life or, you know, just no life at all. I think the real concern. And a very valid one is whether or not you want to put up with that shit. Well, it's not shit. You're putting up with a poor child. I mean, imagine what would happen to you right now. I'm going to assume you don't have any

kids. Imagine how derailed everything would be if you had to deal with a mentally disabled baby all the time. But then there's the argument that it's not derailed that the the child enhances their life because the child is so special and different. Or is that just a sugar-coated frosting? No, that would just be a big load of cope. A big load of cope. Yeah. Like coping. Coping. Yeah. Hooked up to a machine shooting it straight into your brain. Wow, I've never heard that term a big load of cope. I haven't either. Did you just make that up?

Would you mind saying that again but while you're rocking? I don't think that's something they would be able to say. I just came up with a new phrase potentially. You think they'd come up with a new phrase? Well, you side, yes. I think when they're rot, they're kind of disjointed and it's like, I love celery. The celery is glowing in the night. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I love the celery. The celery is coming. You're talking about somebody much more advanced than I am. talking about somebody speaking in actual words? Oh, how would they do it? Can you rock while you do it? Okay, so they're not even coherent. So they're severely disabled.

I mean, many of them are not coherent, no. Wow. Are you just talking about an autistic child? No, not, no. I would still get rid of one of those guys. Those guys that scare the shit out of me. I've talked about that at length. An autistic child?

Yeah. What is it about them that threaten you? I went over it too many times, but they're just crazy and, you know, they don't want to eat you. What would you do if one day, if you ever do get with a woman and you impregnate her when you learn how to have sex, I'm guessing when in your 40s? To be seen, I guess. We'll see. Okay. And out pops your baby and your baby's mentally challenged. What do you, what do you do you do? with the baby? What do you mean?

You kill it? I mean, and probably my wife too, because if I'm 40, they're probably way past the point of technology where you would have known something like that before. So she didn't tell me and she tried to give me a surprise. Yeah. Here's the surprise. Your son that you were looking forward to.

He's actually retarded. Wow. Real funny fucking surprise. Is this the point where I flip the table over? No, this is the point where I think, think maybe one day if it happens to you, you have an enlightened moment where you realize, even though this child is special, your maternal instinct, your love for creating another life supersedes all your anger, hate, and violence. It's very possible that at that point, once that

happens, my brain system will be completely like discombobulated. I won't even know what to do and I'll start coping. Yeah. But if I was in the right state of mind, unbiasedly, that would be horrible. You know what it is? It's the Grinch That Stole Christmas Syndrome. Have you ever seen the Grinch That Stole Christmas, the cartoon? No.

I've seen that one movie, though, where the birds drop off the babies. Oh, what's that one? I don't remember the name, but if you notice, they never drop off a retarded baby because they know that would be a punishment and not a blessing. Whoa, really? Yeah. It's probably just because it's Disney child. Well, the Grinch that stole Christmas,

there's a scene where he hates Christmas. And he has this epiphany. He has this moment where he decides suddenly he likes Christmas and you see his little heart. They show the inside of his chest. And his heart grows 10 times. And that's what would happen if you had a special child. The chemical, the father,

instinct towards that child, your heart would grow and you would just completely reverse this perspective of death and murder and killing a little baby. I mean, maybe, but that would just be because, again, I'm discombobulated and now I'm biased. That would be a bad faith perspective for me to hold. I don't know. Sometimes you can't stop chemicals. Like I said, someday a woman's going to strut up to you like a bad breeze, black, blown out of a shell station glory hole, and you're just going to be intoxicated.

Intoxicated? Intoxic. Like she's going to make you mind drunk. You won't be able to resist her charms. Look at Adam and Eve. Look at the history of mankind. Women have always found their way in. They're seductive. They're beautiful.

Well, that doesn't sound like a compliment. You know, you're doing like one of these, like a snake. You're saying, well, they maneuver their way in. They have to maneuver their way into positions that they don't earn. is what you're saying. I didn't say they didn't earn it, but they have a way, even a hard ass like you who hates women. I didn't say I hate them. Do you like them?

I just meant they're on most aspects inferior. But do you like women? No, you're right. You hate them? No, I don't hate them. Do you like them? Sure. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like them?

About a two. But this is a scale of liking, not a scale of dislike to like. So it's just not a heavy like. Okay. Well, what I'm trying to tell you, Floyd Robertson, or whatever your name is. Sounds like a dangerous criminal. Floyd Robertson? Didn't he die a couple of years ago?

I don't even know what that is. I tried stealing something from a store, I think, right? Who is it? Who's Floyd Robertson? I don't know. Maybe I'm talking about somebody else. I don't know. I think he was a newscaster in Canada. Oh, I, oh, okay. I thought you were talking about that guy. I always see his face on Instagram.

No, I just, it's just the first name that came into my head. It's like that guy, and he's always singing funny songs. I think we're talking about a different person. I think so. God, I love your face. You're almost like the new Spider-Man. Oh, yeah? Or Spider-girl? No, no. You look a little bit like, I know, this isn't a dig, but somehow, it's, you, somehow it, it smooths your face out, you look a little like a girl.

No. But spider girl. No. Like you jump around and shoot webs while you're waiting for your period to happen, your first period. Spider girl, spider girl. Doesn't sound like a particularly good movie, but maybe. I don't know.

Give it a shot. No. I guess it's kind of, isn't it ironic that you hate women? And in this moment, you turned into spider girls. There you go. Oh my God, are you okay? I don't really drink it, correct? Oh, God. Are you all right?

I'm okay. Do you return? Can I return? Buddy, I want to stick with this age thing because you're just at the... Oh, what's this? Is that the wig cap? Is it the directions? I don't know. He doesn't want me to have it.

Who? Fluorescent floor camp? Yes. Buddy, what I'd like to do is because we're on the topic of age here. And you're 18. How old would you say I am? Probably like 57. Okay. Is that right?

You're all around it. Okay. I'd like to read a poem that I wrote to you. that sort of accents the age gap between us. If you'd be patient to let me read this to you with your spider face. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. It's really starting to hurt my ear.

Yeah. Yeah. But this is sort of intense, this poem. It's almost sort of tragic. I actually, can you repeat what you just said? I actually have such a headache that I actually didn't hear anything you'd said. I've just been saying, yeah, to move it along.

Repeat what you said. I said, you know, we've been talking about the age between us. Your youth, you're a teenager. That's where I caught off after I said 57. Yeah, 57. What did you say after that point? I said I wrote a poem to kind of accent our age difference and our position in life and sort of a poem that kind of addresses the discrepancy

between our ages. And I thought maybe I could read it to you. It's kind of sad. I'm starting to get a stinging feeling in my leg. You are? What's that mean? I don't know. Maybe I'm having, like, a stroke.

Stroke? Have you ever been in a canoe? Okay. Probably one of the best places to have a stroke. Oh. This is sort of said, I'm going to put some sad music under this. But it's true.

I think if you hear it, you'll know that it's true. Can I read it to you? Go ahead. But I'm going to read it in sort of, of a tone like Night of the Aguana. Are you familiar with Night of the Aguana? No.

So I'm going to sort of do a bit of an older man voice. Spider girl. Spider girl. Well, if I take it off too quickly, I'm actually going to rip a hole in my ear. Oh, no. So I have to do it real slow.

Oh, God. But anyways, it's going to probably have to stay. Wow, look at the way your hair popped out like toast. Does it look all strange now? It looks great. I don't look like I did at the beginning. Dude, the way it popped out, it was like a volcanic eruption. It's just kind of

it's like it's got its own life. That's kind of the point of one of these. What? That's kind of the point of one of those. I know, but I wish I could do that. I just like pulled my hair and it like yours is just, yours is alive. Right. You're like a pert commercial waiting to happen.

Purve? Pert. A purve if you want. I don't know. What's the difference? Well, you wouldn't know because you've never been with a woman. Okay. She'll be a pervert. I mean, most perverts probably haven't been with a woman, really, if you think about it. Oh yeah, that's probably why they're perves. Yeah. Because they're trying to get with a woman. I mean, they're probably trying to, okay, go ahead. Sorry about that. We'll continue with the poem. I'm going to put sad music underneath,

and I'm going to read it kind of like an old, picture me as an old man in a wheelchair, and it's at night and we're sitting on a, we're sitting on a balcony looking over the ocean. Okay. As the cold tentacles of time constrict around. my old tired throat I'm slowly drowning and dying when once I used to float the days pull the life from me like the sun from a desert flower each ticking second slowly draining my power oh to be young again soft subtle skin vibrant alive healthy and thin, but like the grape in life's vineyard that never gets plucked, the skin graze and withers.

Time uses me up, and as I look in your eyes, child, and see all of life's glory, sadly I must concede I near the end of my story. sunset or two, then perhaps I'll be gone. I fooled myself into thinking. Life's journey was long. And here you sit, child, at the start of your travels, your dreams and desires begin to unravel. To mountaintops made of dreams, you ascend to great heights, an unstoppable train charging deep through the night. And all I can do is sit quietly

and watch it go by before soon underground bugs consuming my eyes. But run, child, kick child, don't ever concede. Sacrifice your

dignity to the demons of greed. Live, child. Shine. Be a moth to the light. Fight, child, fight. And I bid you good night. The book now must close. My chapter's been read.

Squeeze life's every last drop, child, before you two are dead. Okay, now I have to make a thrill of that. Come on. I'm not as strong as he was. I couldn't flip the table. I tried. What do you think, Guy? I mean, if that doesn't damage, the gopher teeth liked it. But how did it make you feel?

Like, did it, did it move you? Did it, did it, did it, was there any feeling at all? I doubt you even wrote that. That's probably from what, like Chad GBT? I wrote that. Send that into GROC instead. It's going to just include a bunch of like anti-trans jokes. No, no, I wrote that guy.

That was all you? Yeah. Okay. That was the. kind of show the difference in our journeys. I'm right near the end and you're just getting gone. Talk to me. Yeah, that was real beautiful.

And I meant something a lot to me and I'll... Are you being sincere? I'm trying to be sincere. I'm not being sarcastically unsincere. Did it trigger anything inside you? I mean, I still doubt that you wrote it. Why? That's got to be like AI written.

Why? What do you mean? You thought it's too much work. But you're worth it, my guy. Oh, yeah? Well, it's sort of a tribute to you just beginning going

as you come out of your teen years. Yeah. Your whole life's ahead of you. Talk to me. I mean, it might not be. What does life mean to you? Where does life go for you? It's possible.

possible, actually, I won't make it back to my house after this. And you might end up living another 50 years. So then actually, the poem wouldn't make that much sense. If I outlived you. You could outlive me by a magnitude of 10,000, depending on how this goes for me. But wait a minute. What if... Then you'll have to do another poem.

About what? About how the last poem didn't make any sense. The last poem faltered like a... body on a knife, drained of all knowledge, simple in life. I can't do it. Do you like shrimp?

It's okay. Dude, I got to tell you, you know, sometimes foods enhance things. Like, do you have a food that enhances things? Yeah. What is it? What do you mean? Enhancies, like, makes all of the other food better?

Or it's something, it's a moment in time or it's something you do. food just kind of bring, makes it better. I don't have it with me now. I brought this blue thing, but usually I'll have the 0% ultra-filtered milk. What does that do for you? Talk to me.

Give me a bunch of protein. I'll drink like a liter of it a day. I'll usually just bring a bottle around with me. Zero filter milk. Yeah. Do you put a nipple on it and drink it like a baby goat? No, no. I mean, it already looks crazy as is

that I just walk around with a gallon of milk everywhere. You drink a gallon of milk everywhere. You drink a gallon of milk a day. Yeah, about. No wonder your hair's so frothy. I mean, it is frothy. Have you ever been to the edge of the ocean and you just see seaweed,

like on a rock going back and forth? When your hair came out of that wig stopper thing. Yeah. I mean, no, I haven't seen that. But actually, I probably have. I just don't, I don't know. I'm not good at visualizing stuff, at least in the past hour.

Shrimp, my. my guy. That looks very appetizing. What I love to do is I love to mix singing with shrimp. If you interchange any lyrics with shrimp, it's amazing. You ever heard the song, It's Raining Man? Yeah. It's rain and shrimp. Hallelujah. It's rain and shrimp. Hallelujah. Like any song. Have you heard poker face? by what's her face? Poker face by what's her face. By Lady Gaga?

Yeah. Yeah. So instead of poker face, you could just go, shush, shish, shish, shish, shish, shish, shish, shim. Shrimp, shish, shish, shish, shish. It's dripping on your notes. Huh?

It's spilling on your notes. Shrimp juice? Yeah. Do you like heavy metal? Iron Maiden, bro. Run for the shrimp. Run for you. your life.

Like you can put shrimp into it. What's your favorite song? That might be the least appetizing piece of shrimp and honestly food I may have ever seen. My favorite song? Yeah. I would say maybe Ghost Town.

Sing it? No, I don't like singing. Tell me the lyrics. You'll have to listen to it. Just say the lyric. You don't have to sing it. I don't like singing. You don't know, don't sing it.

Just speak. It's a woman's game. That's the lyric? No, but singing is... But just say the... You can say it, like as if you're saying, hello, how are you today? If the lyric is, I love to sit in the book.

But then somebody can, like, slow it down or speed it up, depending on what point. And then I add some background thing and it'll sound like I'm singing. No, no. What I'm going to do is I'm going to inject the word shrimp into the lyrics and show you how amazing shrimp can be

when it comes to singing. So if you just give me one line from the song, just say it. I don't want you to ruin this. song for me. No, this is enhancing. I'm putting shrimp on it. You ever get rice and put shrimp in it? Rice is just rice, but when you put shrimp on it, suddenly it's shrimp fried rice. It had cooked? Yeah. You want one? Absolutely not. Just give me one line from the song. But now we're in a game where if I do it, I concede. So now I just can't do it because we've been

arguing about it for too long. Okay, what's the name of the song? I just said, Ghost Town. Ghost Town. It's a yay song. A what? Yay. Yay. Okay, Ghost Town. Formerly Kanye West.

If you won't give me the lyrics, I'll make them up, because as you can see, I'm a poet anyway. I can wait, okay. What's it called? Ghost Town? Is that what you said? Yep. In the Ghost Town, the riders came a shrimp in. They came riding over the hill.

In the Shrimp in, the Shrimp Town. the ghost shrimp. Should I just said a song I didn't like? Well, I'm just trying to show you how good it is. Will you eat one? They look really good. Yeah, I'll eat one. I'd rather eat one of these than one of his purve candies.

That looks really nasty. No, they're good. Shrimp are like the commas of the sea. You ever seen a comma? A what? A comma. In the sentence? Yeah.

Yeah, I see what you're saying. Oh, what's that? Who is it? You want to take it? No, it's an alarm. Oh, do you have to go? No, I'm supposed to wake up around now. Oh, wow.

Were you dreaming? Was this whole thing a dream? What? Was this whole thing a dream? What? You did that last time. You took the mic up. I know, because it's too far.

Oh, you could have just moved. You could have moved forward. So I can't do this later. Is that better? Now I feel like I'm more dynamic. Okay, but now you've got to hold that for the next hour and a half. Maybe three. Listen to gopher teeth over there.

See, now it's more dynamic. That's why I did it last time too. Oh yeah, yeah. That looks good, actually. That laugh, man, that's the kind of laugh like I picture you behind like an olive garden. I'm eating sunflower seeds in the middle of the night, guy. Do it again? The laugh?

Can you tell him? He tells me what to do, not the opposite way around. Oh, is he's your manager? Yeah. He's kind of like my boss. Oh, wow. You know, like, one of those really bad situations where, like, a really dumb rapper

will sign, like, a deal with the label where they have to do, like, three albums all approved. Yeah. By the label, and they get, like, a million dollars that they have to pay back. Yeah. I'm on one of those, but much, much worse. Oh, wow.

And his name's vinyl floor siding? Close enough. He makes floors go viral. Viral floor siding. So if you need new floors, you know who to call. Who? Viral flooring. Vinyl floor calling.

It would be good for you because you kind of, if you go viral, it will be good for your podcast. You might get some more views. And your floors will explode. Really? Views after views, they'll explode on social media. Well, what I love is he's gone. If you can pull it open, you've got the shell logo there. Can you just, the other side, the other side vinyl floor.

Right there, see, you got the shell logo. And do you know what kind of shell that is? That's a specific kind of shell. Clam. No. It's the Shell Station logo. It's an actual shell, but do you know what kind of shell it is? Not clam.

Cram. Huh? Crow. Crow. What? He said a word. Go. He just said a word.

No, it's a scallop shell. And you know how I know this. You're going to love this story. You've never made love. You've never had romance. But in the summer, I like to go up to Bakersfield to the Motel 6 and take a summer lover. And about two weeks ago,

I'm in the Motel 6 Bakersfield. second floor room 204 you open to one with the view you open the curtains and there it is the shell station right what's that I'm turning my audio up because the mic is lower

oh okay that makes sense that makes sense that was a good tech move yeah my bud so I'm in the check this out and I know this is hard for you to relate to because you've never made love but I'm making love to a woman

in the motel 6 room 204 a hooker No, a beautiful girl. In a motel six? In a motel six. Why a motel six? They like it there. Hookers?

No, girls. They like sheets that crunch. A lot of girls like the silk sheets that are soft, but a lot of girls with edge like sheets that crunch. And you go to the motel six. Not hookers, just girls. And motel six? A summer lover.

The motel six, out the window is the shell station. And you've never made love, but there's nothing better than being naked, sweating with the glow of the shell sign, your body bathed in the glow of a yellow scallop. And it... Probably just have like massive cancer in like 20 years from something like that. No, it's just a glow. It's like a neon glow.

Yeah. You know what they say? Why? You're not supposed to be on your phone for an hour before you go to bed. Why? I don't know. Who said that? I don't know.

I just hear stuff and I repeat it to sound smart. But how do you sound? Very smart. That's some smart ass shit right there. I think you sound like you might have escaped from that classroom you're talking about. I was the collector unless they were playing a game with me and making me think, no, no, I would definitely didn't. I would have known them.

You know, I would have known. Have you ever been a victim of reverse racism? Be honest. What does that mean? It's like reverse racism where they use racism against you. Well, I don't even believe racism exists. Talk to me. That's a huge statement.

Hold on, folks. We were, I was going to. go one way. He just said a huge, this is newsworthy. Yeah. We just had a gentleman here in the United States of America who said, I don't believe racism exists. If you think I'm going to blow by that, you're crazy. Go. Actually, as a matter of fact, life and kind of stuff like that has got a lot more difficult for minority since the civil rights movement. Talk to me. Again, I don't know what I'm talking about. That's something I heard on Instagram. So that's as far as I'll go. I just have the statement.

But you don't believe racism exists. No, that's also something I heard on Instagram. So you don't believe it. I don't know what I believe. You're just regurgitating what you heard. Exactly. Have you ever personally been the victim of racism against you? Or has someone claimed you were racist?

Well, I don't think you can be racist to white people. Why not? I don't know. It's something I... See, now I can do both ways. I'll get the conservatives and the libtards on my side. You don't think you can be racist towards white people? I beg to differ, jive honky.

You got a wig cap in your ear. Will. You okay? I'll be okay. You might have to take one earring out and go gay for just a few minutes. That will never happen. Because if you only have one earring in... Hey, everybody, Harland here.

My brand new books are out. The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know. Volume 1 and 2, if you need a laugh, it's full of things you don't. don't know. Did you know that pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes? Did you know that rhinoceroses are just big fat white trash unicorns? It's all there in volumes one and two. Pick them up on Amazon.com. I was a victim of reverse racism. Tech check it. No, speak. Well, that's a better test. Yeah. Look when I do that, it shoots up and sound. Yeah. Yeah.

Good. I was a victim of reverse. Oh, try it again. There's too much liquid. Try it one more time. Ready? My man. I got the right amount of liquid in there.

How did you know that? Like, how did you know that? How did you know that, my guy? I saw it on Instagram. Like, you come in here saying you don't know anything. I know lots of things. You just said everything you know you heard on. At a complete baseline level.

But somehow you knew the exact amount that would make that land upright. That's the stuff of a physicist. Like, what the how to how? Who are you? Are you Gatorade Willie or somebody? Like who, who, who, who what? So interesting time. Yes.

You are Gatorade Willie. Yeah. Wow. Can I try this? Go ahead. Now I'm starting to wonder is it. They're not going to do as good as me. I'm like a profession.

Well, what I'm wondering is. not only are you a scientist you figured out the exact amount but you're also some kind of physicist because you know the exact... I'm like an athlete. You're like you knew the velocity?

Let me try it. I'm an athlete. Not even fucking close. Wow. Let me try again. Because I tried to do it too far. I got to do it right here. Move your greasy cord. Ready?

What the hell? Hang on. Not even close. Wow. And now watch you do it. Watch this. Watch this. It's not worth the risk. I've already gained enough aura from doing it correctly twice in a row. Enough credo. Yeah. If I do it wrong now, let's see if Mentoid can do it. See, now I look even better. Everybody feels. You look really good. Oh, wait a minute. I'm still winning though. Your manager here. See? Okay, I can't be the only one. I see what you're doing. You're holding. the calf. Here's how you do it. Toss them damn Oreos. Oh. You're doing it. You're doing it too much. I don't feel like I'm being laughed at. You gotta use the cap and you gotta use three fingers.

I feel like I'm being laughed at. Last one. Forget it. I think it's a trick. Pretty good too. I want to take him to the fairground and play ski ball. I bet he could win one of those animals. Oh, now what are you doing? I'm not good enough to do that, so I won't try it. So I'm the victim of reverse racism. You want to hear this story? It's going to blow your mind, guy. Your wig's going to fly up in the air, twirl around, and land back.

You're going to look like Kohl'slaw bumped into a Westinghouse blender. I'm just worried that this looks kind of gay, so I'm trying to hide it in my ear amongst my hair. Kind of gay. But I don't know how it looks. I think you nailed it. He has it added in the option where you can play from third person. Well, here's the thing, it's black, your hair is black, your coat is black, it blends in so well, you can't see it.

But even when it was hanging and you looked gay, even when it was just hanging, you couldn't see it. Can't do that, we won't have any sound. You will, you'll just be an echo in the background of my microphone. I want to be an echo in the background of your memories. That's a bit too romantic, maybe. Yeah, that sounded real, like a little too far. I want to be an echo in the background of your shrimp. Your shrimp.

Your dirty pink shrimp. Your stinky pinky shrimp. You've got a dirty shrimp. It smells like it's rotting. How long did you have it under that table? A couple of weeks. So here's the deal. Reverse racism, okay?

I go up to Bakersfield to the Moonglo Chinese restaurant, right? I order some food. I got all kinds of. of Chinese food. The owner comes out, right? Kimi Wang Lau comes out, right? This guy owns the moon glow. And I guess he snapped.

You know, everybody kind of hits the wall now and then. And this guy comes out and he goes, I'm tired of people coming in here and not speaking my language. I'm Chinese. You damn Americans and Canadians come here and never speak my language. I said...

And he's in Bakersfield, say this? Yeah, at the Moonglow Chinese restaurant. And I said, Kimmy Long, wow, I don't speak Chinese. And he goes, well, then you try the best you can to speak Chinese because I'm...

This is a Chinese restaurant, not an English restaurant. So you talk to me the best you can in Chinese and show a little respect. And so here I am. I got my spring rolls and I don't speak Chinese,

but I can speak broken Chinese. So I just grab one of my spring rolls. Kimmy Rong, wow. I rikey-rike to spring roll. Me really rike. Reiki-rike spring roll. Kimi-Rong Rao. Juicy spring roll.

I rike it at the Moongro restaurant. That's you or the guy from China? That was me. And he liked it. Have you ever tried speaking Chinese? You have a bunch of like really old, rotting, smelling food. Yeah.

He really probably did have it in there for weeks. Yeah. But then his wife comes out. And now she goes at me. She goes, Kimmy Longhawal's wife comes out and she goes at me. She goes, I'm tired of people coming in here and not addressing our ethnicity. I'm tired of using your Canadian-American accents. And she's Indian.

Oh, my God. And now he's married to an Indian lady. Camela de Walda It's like hell on earth Right So now I gotta go Okay and I go I really like it

The spring roll You gotta leave the restaurant No I want to I don't want to be I don't want to be racist So I'm trying to appease them And like I really like in the egg roll But they started the racism first

Technically so that's what I mean Reverse racism That's what I'm saying You should be allowed to hit them back With a racist Well I'm not being racist I'm just doing what they ask I know you're not

I'm saying And now I'm talking And hurt To do a racist thing I'm doing my best Indian, I can't speak Indians on Dundi accent. Interesting.

But you've never had to deal with that? I would never do an accent because it can be seen as racist. Yeah. No, that's nice of you to never do an accent. Yeah.

Hmm. Have you ever tried one? Just for fun? Can you do a Scottish accent? I can do RFC. Okay. But I would have to have something to say. Okay.

Why don't you say? They ask not what you can do for your country, but ask what your country can do for you. That's not what you can do for your country. That's what they can do for you. It's pretty good. I think that was R2D2. Well, I think you're thinking about RFK a couple of years ago.

He's diminishing. He is? Yeah. His voice is getting worse? There must be a family problem because his sister talks the same way. What about his brother, brother, Cookie Monster? Wasn't his brother?

shot in the head and in his pack. Two of his brothers got shot. Wasn't actually his uncles? His uncles. GIFK and John F. Kennedy and Robert Kennedy. Oh. Yeah, they both got assassinated. How does that make you feel? Well, I feel scared for RFK. Why?

I guess you could... Well, actually, no. He's kind of funny to have a round. But you're worried because his other family members were shot. Sure, he's worried too. He's probably, yeah, it's probably a consideration. He's actually sort of in an assassin himself. And then JFK Jr. had that tragic plane crash, John F. Kennedy's son. Is that true? I didn't know that.

Yeah, John Jr., the beautiful striking. Don Jr.? Is that a threat on the president's son? No, no. You're thinking of Carl's Jr. No, Don Jr. No, not Don, John. Is it astonishing how all of the sons of our current president?

is it in our kind of geniuses? Well, what about Gorgar, for whatever his name is? What's Trump? What's kids' Trump's kid's name? I think that's his name. Yeah. For a guy who didn't remember it, it's a lucky guess. I mean, I don't even understand.

Gorga, Trump. Like, here we are at war with Iran and potentially North Korea and China and Russia, and we've got all these aircraft carriers, and why doesn't Trump just go, Release the Giant. And they send in his son. Just stomp the shit out of the. He probably would just shoot his son in the head. Whoa, guy.

They sent his son into like China. Not China. I mean, I ran. I don't think there's a bullet that gets to that altitude. How tall is the kid? Definitely not that tall. He's probably what? What's his name again?

Gorgar. Guy Goregar or Johnson or something or Danny? He played Destiny? Huh? Never mind. Yeah, I don't know. He's probably about seven. it's all. I think. Actually not,

maybe I think he's like six, eight, close enough. What do you mean? Never mind. You can't ask me a question and then say, never mind. But that was what I was planning on doing before I asked it. But what if I want to answer it? Well, you never really had that option. Can you say it again? No.

Why? I think if I can recall you, I think have you ever played destiny? It's not what I said. What does that even mean? Well, I don't know. That's, but I want to address it. The game, the video game, with the sequel? Is that what it is? It was recently shut down. It was shut down?

What are you talking about? Destiny. The video game. The word? You asked me about it. Is it a video game? Called Destiny. I don't know about that.

Did they shut it down? You tell me. Are you going to lay spider eggs later today? Do I look strange? I don't know how I look. Well, you looked like spider girl earlier. No. Can you put your wig back on before we go?

No. We'll do a final. Oh, here we go. Put it on for our final segment, words from a wooden shoe. From a wooden Jew? No, from a wooden shoe. That's something they used to do.

They would turn them into wood, sort of. Was Pinocchio a Jew? He would have been a wooden Jew if Pinocchio was a Jew. Oh, there we go. You should rob a 7-Eleven later and get some headshots for a modeling agency. That's exactly what I said. Okay, so how this works, my guy,

you reach in, you pull out a word, and see if it sparks a story from your life. Oh, wait. No, you pull out, you got to pull out a piece of paper. Soaking wet in there. There you go. What's the word? What is it? Microplastics. You got a story about microplastics? No.

What about? Damn. Have a story about microplastics? I'm going to create a story about microplastics. Ready? You're going to get it finally? I just created a story about microplastics. Matan, tell the folks about your podcast where they can see you.

I love this guy. I love that guy. But let them know, buddy. Where can they watch you, see you, follow you? I would actually appreciate if nobody. followed me. I'd kind of like privacy. Yeah. To some level.

Okay. What about girls? Where can girls find you? Because you're a hot, you're a hot Hollywood virgin. Like, you're prime. That's an interesting, like, kind of naming phrase sort of thing. Did you come up with yourself? Yeah. Well, I guess same for that. Iowa. You know, I don't want anybody followed me anywhere. Some lucky girls going to find you. Girls, get your hands on this fresh slab right here. fresh beef just swinging in the deli window oh yeah don't be fooled by the fishnet stocking on his face get your hands on this fresh slab a 100% grade A beef cut meat did I get it yeah yeah now the girls are

really coming spider girl spider girl it's really attractive that I can flip a Gatorade bottle I'll get it every time and I know just how much liquid needs to be in it. Dude, you're amazing. The girls are going to come calling. Do you want any more candy? There's a bunch more candy. I'll have a little bit more before we go.

Folks, you've been on the Halle Highway podcast with Maton Evan or Evan Maton, however you want to address them. I'm going to call them spider. Can I call you Spider Girl from now on? No, I like the thing before, the Hollywood thing. Oh, yeah, the fresh Hollywood meat. Hot Hollywood fresh meat. Yeah, something like that. Dude, the girls, you're almost mysterious, too.

You look like you're at somebody's funeral, just sitting in the corner. Do you want any? Oh, yeah, what do you got? Wow, canckel candy. Oh, wow. Canckel me, baby. Look how much he has. Give me some Hershey's, cancels.

Who wants Hershey's? Oh, come on, cancels. Ew, it's melted. It feels soft like your tender underbelly. folks that's it for today it's raining man it's raining candy Evan maton

I'm going to hit the music one more time nobody gets it three times and he just shut it off until next time chicken chau-main oh what four until next time chicken chau-main baby

and we out we're done yeah and I bid you Good night. The book now must close. My chapter's been read. Squeeze life's every last drop child before you. Hey everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss.

Give me some talking points and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.