The Harland Highway - MATT McCUSKER gets down to drilling when it comes to love, life, power washing, and writing a book!

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

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This thing's nice, dude. I don't want to get into your lovemaking habits with your wife. I'll talk about it. But what's your, if you could just for my audience, show our audience your pattern of how you make love. This is how I start. It's like that. And then it goes right to the jackhammer. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Highway Show Harland Williams Yeah, I love it out here I do like you You love it, you love California A? I do Big fan What'd you come out for by the way?

I came to Irvine to do the improv So I did five shows there And then I'm doing it I just stayed an extra day To do podcasts Can I plug them right now? I'm done, they're done

I know but I'd like to plug them We can plug them after the fact, yeah Yeah No one ever does that You should plug after to it Tell them where you work, go ahead You guys could have caught me at the Irvine Improv, like last weekend, but you guys missed it, so you can't ever go.

A guy pulled his pants down last night at the last show. You'll never know. Never know. You missed it, folks. He missed it. He was wearing a diaper. How old was he? Was it a baby?

No, he was not a baby. He was an elder. He was probably about, like, he must have been in his probably mid-60s. He actually just was on a psychiatric hold. We talked to him after. He got kicked out and he, like, Oh, wow. What kind of diaper cloth or disposable?

Disposable. That's what I wear. You don't care about the environment. I wear the disposable. Yeah, because the cloths, I mean, they stain up. It looks like somebody dropped a blueberry pie off the Empire State Building. And you just, it takes hours of scrubbing. I actually used to, when I did wear the clothies, I call them.

Yeah. The stains get so deep into that fabric. I used to go down to the river, the L.A. River and hand scrub them with gravel. On the pants. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Yeah, that's kind of, that is the rage right now to wear the cloth diapers for your baby.

It shows that you're like all about the environment. That's, dude, just disposables. Yeah. Just dispose. Wash, hand washing those things or wash them. Yeah. Stowing it back on your baby with a big safety pin on it. Yeah.

And the cool thing is too with the clothy. I used to, I'm one of these guys I like to take my clothes off like in public. For sure. So what I used to do is I used to paint leopard spots on my clothy. And then when I ripped everything off, I just had that and people thought I was Tarzan, like I'd run around and swing on trees and, you know, do the monkey call. How did this call? I used to do, ah, now I sound like I have asthma, but when I did it, it was strong. It was strong. So folks, before we get going here, Matt, welcome to the show. Thank you. And go and know that you missed this show in Irvine. It was really great. It was fun. Yeah, it was a good time.

That guy pulling his pants down was the highlight. Did you see any nudity underneath the diaper? Was it just all diaper? All diaper. Oh, wow. He was a gentleman. He was a gentleman. He was a gentleman.

But yeah, he just pulled someone. My friend was opening for me and he was like, the guy got up to go to the bathroom. He was on the verge of getting kicked out. Wow. My friend's like, why are you going to the bathroom? I figured you had a diaper in your pants. And the guy stood up and was like, boom, and pulled his pants down. Sure enough, there was a diaper.

It was the most uncanny thing I've ever seen. So your opener's like a clairvoyant? I think. so. I think he remote viewed his diaper while doing stand-up, too, which is impressive. Okay, we got to ask, because I don't want to know, Matt, but they do. I have like 7, 8, 9, 12 viewers sometimes. I'll keep looking at your camera. Yeah, your camera's here. I have 12. Yeah, you know, Matt, if you're not going to cooperate with the setup, maybe this isn't the podcast for you. I mean, you do. You hit it. It's like right in front of you guy. Like when you're

driving and you see a moose in the headlights that moose is for you my guy you got to hit that i'm checking my passenger my bad i'm checking my rear view right you're checking your blind spot for your podcast camera guy let's go i know this is the harlan highway i'm going to start the theme music before we skid into the ditch here oh man ladies and gentlemen matt mccusker am i saying the last name yeah you got it it's mccusker right you're absolutely not it's scottish i think it is like Scott Givers, yeah. Oh, folks. Matt McCusker's here, a stand-up comedian.

I'm not, now, I'm going to be honest. The first thing I said to you when you came to our studio here on the 12th floor, um, we've, you know, we've only met maybe once. Yeah, and we're passing, in passing, and we never really have done a stand-up show together. No. So this is so cool. It is cool. It's sort of like a first date, kind of, but we're both straight.

You got a wife. Yep. I got. Nothing, but, you know, I got my thoughts. I got my dreams. I won't have a wife. That's awesome. Okay.

Do you want a wife really bad? Why? What's yours doing? Is she busy? No, she's male right now. Okay, dude. I mean, boy. Do you want a wife?

Do you want one? Or you just like, whatever? You know what? If a good woman, Matt, if a good woman, a kind, spirited woman. Yeah. Who is looking out for me and the chillings. Oh, I'd love to.

to have me a butter churning woman. I mean, a good woman's a great thing. It's true. You have a great. I mean, you can't say no to this. I was going to say, do you have a good woman?

And you got to lie or tell the truth right now? Tell me about your wife. She's a good woman. She's not turning any butter. No. But she could work harder, but she should work harder. She's a modern.

Do you hear that love? You can work harder. She can work harder, but she's a good woman. She's a kind of. How long? you've been married if you don't mind me asking five no we've been married for yeah about five years oh good for you yeah yeah no no it's it's good man if you can find the right mix the right person

it's it's why not yeah true it's fantastic that is kind of how dudes go into it's why not and then women are approaching it with like evil sorceress energy where they're like yes he will be mine that's the feeling i've always gotten really yeah i think that you're always part of like a larger plan as a guy in marriage. Yeah, maybe you're right. Now, did you think your wife had that kind of like evil wicked? It's collective, yeah.

It's all. Blair Witch Project kind of. It's part of just female psychology. Yeah, in a respectful sense. I'm not trying to be disrespectful. Yeah, no, no, no.

But it's part of their game sort of, right? They have to be. Everyone has game. Yeah. And the woman's game is different than the man's game is what you're saying. And I don't know why I'm doing this. No, it's important to do that.

But maybe this is why I don't have a fucking wife, okay? I'm a fucking crayfish all of us. Jesus, Matt, what's wrong with me? But folks, you've got to go back in time and see them at the Irvine Improv. What a show that you missed. And five of them, right? Yeah.

And the guy got up in a diaper, and I think they want to know. You know, Danny diarrhea lips and, you know, Karen crinklecrack and Bobby blunderboy over here. Did the guy have any? anything going on in the dipe? Was there loaf?

Was there Newman's own lemonade? Looked clean. But I get, I was watching backstage from one of those backstage TVs. Oh, but it was pretty baggy, though. It was a baggy diaper.

Oh, could have been a loaf. Could have been a loaf. But although it was like a shame, he was having such a fun time. Oh. And like he also had, I thought he was kind of killing it.

He was front row, like dead center. And he just had a bag of stuff with him because he literally just been released from like an institute or like a mental hospital. And he came right to see you? I was so happy, yeah. He was drinking a Cosmo.

The guy was huge. It was this giant man. Oh, no. In a gray sweatsuit, just drinking a Cosmo. And he had a bag of stuff, so he kept putting on different hats throughout people's set. He had like, he had three different hats.

He would put one on, take it off, put a snow hat on. Did you ever feel scared? No, because he was laughing so hard. And he kept going like this. It was kind of disarming. He would just be like. It's like a surfer psycho?

Yeah. Yo, what's up, dude? Clearly not. Not me. But then we saw him after the show, and I talked to him for like 10, 15 minutes, and he was just such a treat. He was so fun. Really?

Yeah, he was so nice. Even said, he was like, where are you performing next? And I told him. And he was like, I'd love to. It was like in Atlanta. He's like, I'd love to go. He's like, actually take my phone number. Don't give me yours because I will bother you incessantly.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like a fat guy in a diaper with seven hats. Yeah. That ain't the guy to be given your number too. But the self-awareness I respected for him to be like, don't give me your number. I'll bother you. That's like if you have Jeffrey Dahmer and he's your Uber driver and you say,

you know what, that was a great ride. Why don't you come in for some pound cake? Let me make you a muffin and an omelet there, Jeffrey. This guy was huge, too. See, here's the thing, Matt. I get, you're right away you've established yourself as a humble person by, you know, you're being gracious about this guy, which is noble and wonderful. It tells me a lot about you.

But then you had to tell me he was a jumbo. He's a jumbo. I don't mind a wacko in a diaper, but when you're over three, four hundred pounds. No, he was just a large man. He was like, he wasn't like a giant, yeah. He's a giant man, like a strong giant man. Oh, wow, even scarier. Yeah, exactly.

He was not, he wasn't obese or anything. And he kept, he kept like trying to hook up with my other friend was there as well, just doing a spot. Yeah. He's like a, yeah, he's like, you know, 24 years old. Yeah. And this guy kept trying to hook him up with his daughters. And he was like, he was showing us pictures of his daughters. And he's like, she's 30.

And my friend's like, oh, you know, it's a little kind of up there for me. And he's like, she's six foot one. And he had these giant daughters. He kept trying to, like, show us in there. Wait, diaper guy had giant daughters? Yeah. God. And he kept trying to set up my friend with his giant daughter.

Did the daughters were they in diapers? No, no. I don't think they were. Not yet, at least. But they were like, they were just beautiful, tall women. Yeah, but what was going on in the nugget? Like, sometimes the fruit don't fall so far from the tree. I know.

Like if daddy's a jumbo and a Kimbe's, the daughters might be psychoids in a fucking pamper's. You know what I'm saying? That's true. Like, dude, you got to be careful. Watch how what garden you wander through my guy. That's true. That's true. Dude.

I can't help it though. I'm kind of drawn to people when they're like nuts. I really like talking to people when they're kind of nuts. Well, you know what it is? They're ultra fascinating. Because everyone else, whether you like it or not, the majority of people kind of stay in the same slipstream. Exactly. Hey, folks, I want to take a second to talk to you about prize picks.

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the app today and use the code Harland to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. There you go. Prize picks. Prize picks. Parize picks. And I've been, I do this thing that I call sort of, um,

homeless following. Like when I'm in a, in another city doing another, you ever hear the, the street screamers? Like you're just sitting there, having a coffee. You know,

I'll sit in there. Tomatoes smell like Satan's breath. You know, like someone just yells something completely random. I know. And when I hear that, I'm like, that's fucking interesting.

interesting. It is interesting. And so what I'll do is what I'll do is I'll drift. I'll drift near them. And I like to hear exactly what they're. And sometimes I even put my phone on and record it. And one time a lady busted me. Like I was just sort of walking about probably about 20 feet behind her.

And she just stopped. Why do you stop the fuck recording me? Stop fucking recording me. Like she knew. And I lied. I went, I'm not recording you. Yes, I see your fucking phone in your hand. But how would she know I was recording?

I mean, I think they're always. assuming people are following and recording them, but I think she just, I think she just nailed you. Yeah, she picked me off and I got kind of a little paranoid. I was like, oh, man, like another clairvoyant. That's how it all starts. And then next thing you know, you're probably going to be like tomatoes are made out of a quarter and you just lose your mind. Have you ever had like a physical or really like over the top run in with a home? And I'm not mocking homeless people, but let's be honest, a lot of homeless people have mental illness. And even if they don't, some are on drugs, some of, but have you ever had like some kind of over-the-top running with a,

with a homeless guy or a street person? Yes, I was here, literally last time I was here, I was staying around like West Hollywood. I was walking to get something to eat. Oh, wow. So was a gay homeless? This guy, I don't know if this guy was gay or not. He might have been. You said West Hollywood?

Yeah, I didn't, apparently was Hollywood, super gay, right? Gay homeless. Super gay homeless guys. So now you got, you got, you got, you got, you got, accosted by a homeless, but also he was gay. Well, this guy, so I was walking, and it was, I was walking with Shane, and I, and again, I was just making a joke. It sounds really bad, but there's homeless people everywhere. Yeah. I was like, what do you think?

I was telling Shane. I was like, what do you think would happen if I snuck up behind one guy and just got him right in the belly? That's a joke. As soon as I said that, a homeless guy came out of nowhere. It was, again, with the clairvoyance, he knew I made a rotten joke, and he jumped onto the ledge of like a somebody's apartment balcony on the ground floor. Oh, like spider gay. dude yeah he was like he was close enough to us we i like was like we both just froze and he just like but you know like this is a bad comparison did you ever like go near a yard where the dogs like

behind a fence yeah he just stopped right at the thing but he was like snarling and he wouldn't it was crazy scared the shit out of both of us was he clothed naked shirtless butt pants yeah shirtless yeah and he was like kind of like homeless fat oh really yeah it was like homeless fat which is crazy like a street dirt muffin top. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. It's like not to, like, you, you almost want to think they have that beautiful bronze skin that Mexican people have,

but then on closer inspection, you realize it's like red soil from someone's garden and shrubbery grease. That's exactly what it was. Yeah, and they got the little homeless muffin top, even though they haven't eaten in years, somehow they got a little roll of flubber right over there. It was, yeah, it was terrifying.

Oh, that's scary. The fact that he just, jumped up like spider make you imagine if homeless people could crawl up walls and shit terrible oh my god it reminds me of remember when linda blair walked down backwards down the stairs and the exorcist she was she was like upside down and her had this picture and homeless people doing the spider walk of buildings and you can't get away that'd be terrible although in irvine there's no homeless people there oh yeah irvine's sort of money town yeah but you know what they you know how they get around that they offer them a room like we have a bed for you and if you decline it

You go right on a bus and you're out. They ship you right out. Really? So you're just not allowed to do it. They're like, we'll put you up. And if you say no thank you, they go, all right. One way ticket to L.A. And they just send you right here.

Interesting. Well, you know what they have now in L.A.? I don't know if you saw it while you were here. But now the homeless have migrated. And again, I'm not making fun of them. I'm just reporting. Yeah. They've migrated from the streets and from under bridges into,

remember the old beat up trailer? The guy's bought on Breaking Bad. now in L.A., the homeless have become the motor homeless. They've all bought or stolen or found these junkers, and you'll go on certain streets in L.A. where from one end of the street to the other, there'll be 40 junker RVs back to back. They probably don't work.

The plumbing probably doesn't work, but they live in them. It's essentially their own little house. That's crazy. Where do they get all these RVs from? That's what I don't know, probably from junkyards or, you know what I mean? Wow.

And they all look like shit. They all look like Walter White's nightmare. Yeah, yeah. And for some reason, the government has certain roads where you're just allowed to park nonstop. And they dump their junk out on the road. It's really crazy. Wow. Did you ever play one of those video games like Age of Empires where you slowly get to start

and move through the ages? No. It seems like because you start in the Bronze Age and then you eventually go to like medieval times. It almost reminds me of Age of Empires. It's like the technology is increasing. What would the age of? age be called now with the homeless? What would we call this age? Oh, what you're saying with them having RVs? Yeah, like we've, we've sort of evolved from castles into the motor homeless. What's,

what's, what, what are the, what are the, what are the age of? Trying to think of what we'd call it. Well, I feel like it's a breakaway civilization, so it's its own thing. So like they were, they were in the Stone Age. They were all on the floor, on the ground. Yeah. Now they've got shelters. So I think we're moving into like, this is like when the humans started like agriculture. So they've like, something's, there's a huge technological leap. If they're going to start. getting RVs it's like that's pretty big yeah start stacking them they'll be like a skyscraper eventually like a sky like a skyscraper of RVs dude holy shit and then and then when the rent went up they could just drive away true imagine seeing it like a 14 stack RV just yeah we're moving this is one of

the neighbors as a dog we don't like the noise we're and then they come to your street yeah damn man yeah la's bad with it man also's pretty bad too but it's you know it's again it's like I don't I'm surprised. I thought about it today. I was like walking past a homeless guy today. I had my headphones in. They're always like, you know, don't walk around with your headphones in.

People get always. I'm like, I'm surprised they don't rob you more. Like they don't really. I never really have problems with them. I was homeless for like a week. I would rob people. Yeah.

I would rob people pretty fast. I bet it happens. Like the fact that it hasn't happened to you is just, I think, a game of odds. But I'm sure, I'm sure there's got to be a pretty, um,

big, like criminal element to, because when you're homeless and desperate, but you're going to steal. Well, they shop, usually it's shoplift, but you don't get a lot of strong arm robbery from home. I'm sure. Oh, I see what you're talking like being a cost.

How you do? Give me your wallet like that. None of that stuff. Yeah. Almost sounds like you want that, though. I dare. No, I don't want that at all.

That'd be terrible. I don't know. Something in your eyes is telling me different. You think I want that. Are you a thrill seeker guy? I have a bit of a thrill seeker, but I don't want to, I don't want to,

I would like to test my metal once. Yeah, I think you want to be rolled. One battle. you want to be rolled. I've been robbed before. I have been robbed. Talk to me, guy. I guess I just want revenge.

Sounds like you want it back. I think someone's having Stockholm syndrome. You had it wants. You got this kick now where you want to be violently robbed. You want to be rolled, my guy. Maybe I think it's more of a test of metal because it's like when you get robbed, you really do like blank. Everyone's like, oh, I would like grab the arm and flip it.

It's like, no, you just freeze. Wait, what happened? I want to hear this. Where was it? How old were you and why? Dude, I've gotten robbed now. Well, it's been once in Brazil. I was in Brazil and they told me not to walk along the beach at nighttime or early in the morning.

And I was like, I could see nighttime, but early in the morning, I'm like, that's fine. I was out all night. And I walked along like to the, like, Copacabana. And it was like beautiful. Have you ever been to Brazil? No. There's just like mountains. Not gone now.

It sounds violent. Well, it's, the parts are, but it is like, if you play by the rules, you're fine, but I shouldn't have done it. I walked in the beach at like 6 a.m. And there's like mountains coming out of the ocean. The sun was rising. Wow. This is that big statue of Christ up on the mountain. You can see the statue too.

It's awesome. So wait a minute, the Lord, Savior, Holy Ghosts of the Lamb was watching you get robbed and did nothing. He just stood there? Yeah, but I was, to be fair to him, I was up to no good. So it was like, I was just, I was gallivanting around. You were sinning. I was out sinning and gallivant around.

So he was, the Lord's Savior, Holy Lamb of the Ghost was just up there. He saw you getting robbed down there on the Biotch. Yep. And he just went, fuck him. Yeah, so be it. He said, so be it. But here, or you can look at it the other way where there's, I was accosted by three young men with knives. So these like rusty fishing knives So I was like looking out of the ocean Like half drunk walking home

And I like as soon as I like look in front of me There's just three young men with fishing knives And they were like They just went through all my stuff And I remember just being like trankio Like you know And then it took like eight dollars from me And they but the person

When I finally went like you know And it was funny we actually had a We had like kind of like a semi laugh They went through my little like phrase book Because they were going through my pockets And I saw my credit card I kept trying to tell them like take my credit card You guys can like go buy a bunch of stuff

and they were like, and they just, like, threw it down, and they went through my phrase book and they were looking at, like, the little things that I was going, how you say you fucked? How you say, we fuck you over now, funny guy? Oh, how you say, give me everything you own, funny guy.

We're going to kill you on. I felt bad. It was five bucks. And then they apologized. They were like, after they get my five bucks, they were like, we're sorry, we're very hungry. Like, Tiana Mujalmbri and, like, very hungry. And I was like, guys, and I, like, as, like, a psycho,

I was like, guys, I really appreciate you not stabbing me if you want. come up here we'll go get breakfast and they were like no and just left and then there's an older couple fishing and they were like you're really lucky because usually they would have they stab people so maybe the statue of christ did help me after all hold on i'm going through my i'm going to reenact it here's the phrase about uh you fucking tourist you give me all your money funny guy and then you give them all the money and then they keep going and they go oh we so sorry Wait, was this in Korea? Why am I doing a Korean accent?

They were troubled Korean youth in Brazil. That's what it was. Oh, that's what it was. They probably washed up on the fucking beach. And they had the fillet knives because they wanted to filet you. True. Imagine, I always, just the imagery I had of you, you walk in, three random dudes pull out knives.

How fucking perfect would it be if you just pulled out a 14 pound butterball Thanksgiving turkey? Like just steaming on a plane and say, go ahead, boys. Take it. And no, not take it. Just have them carve it up for you. White meat or dark, boys? They just, I should start carrying a giant turkey.

You should have a giant turkey at all times. Huge things. You never know when guys with knives. You want to be ready and you want to be ready to feast. True. Yeah. Yeah, I could have feasted with them as well. And you want to give thanks that they didn't kill you.

It was pretty, yeah. The lady was like, by the way, I was like, how about you guys, thanks for helping me. And they're like, we're not getting involved in that. that. Wow. But they were like, yeah, you're lucky you didn't get stabbed.

And I was like, oh, cool. So I must have been pretty chill. Yeah. They did laugh at my phrase book. That was the thing that he laughed at. And I don't remember because I was kind of in shock.

Yeah. But I did have like a dog, a page dog ear with the phrase. It was like, you'll get over there being horny, trying to like speak to women's like. Were you, were you out there cruising?

That's why the Lord did help you. I was like 21. Oh, dude. He's up there. He's like, fuck you, Perth. Yeah,

I know. I know. Fuck you. I know, I know. Let he who walks the earth and covets thine women with thou, whatever Matthew 14, 12 is. Exactly. He who thou covet thine women on thou beach in tourist land, thou shalt not enter into the hometh of the Lord. Thou shalt, holy lamb, son of the holy host.

I think that's Epiphany 5-792. I don't know my songs. Those could have been servants of the Lord coming down just like, just smite me minorly. Like, hey guys. Oh, smite. Did you just say smite? Dude. I did.

And then I went back. That was the first time. Then I got robbed at the guy. Well, hold on. Can we just, can we just marinate on smite for a little bit, a little bit, guy? No one's ever used that word on me. Smyte. My whole life, no one has ever thrown the smite bomb on me.

Who the fuck do you think you are, guy? Smite you. How about that? It says smite. Who are you? talking in religion. You deserve to be robbed. We're doing biblical imagery, so I'm just keeping it going.

Smyte. Talk to me. Look, I know what it means. Get smite. Smite. They don't know what they're not them, not my guys. Maybe your podcast, not my. Charles shot chocolate bar teeth down in Denver and Barry Blude Bottom and like, tell

them what smite means. I know they don't. It just means to have ruination just visited upon you. You see, you used your father. Followed up smite with another word. I know, Ruination, I got it. I use it all the time.

They don't know what Ruination is. Matt, if you can dial it down, Nacho. I got, you know, we got Sarah Slop Bottom down there. It's basically someone fucking you up. Is smite. It's just getting fucked up. You know, next time you tell the story, so he's rough language.

Next time you tell a robbery story, could you just say four guys on a beach came out with knives and tried to fuck me up. Can we leave the Shakespeare at home, Mr. Yale over here? Good Lord. What's wrong with you, guy?

I'm trying to get friendly with and you're fucking me over real hard. What's the matter with you? We're talking to an apocalyptic biblical image. I know, but God, no wonder Jesus didn't help you. He does, you have it coming, guy. I am cursed.

What's wrong with you? Mother of meatloaf. Mother of sweet. mushroom gravy smothered meatloaf. I'm sorry about that. I apologize for our behavior. One thing I like about you, though, you're one of those guys to me, and this is a compliment. You got that look that every guy looked like you look like you know your way around a power washer.

I do, I do. Like, I just got this. I had a power washing company when I was in high school. I used to do power washing. Talk to see, how did I know that? You nailed it actually. The more clairvoyancy. There's all this clairvoyancy.

There really is. talk to me about they don't know what a power washer is so so i yeah in high school i was very entrepreneurial i grew up my whole family all did construction like a lot of them had their own businesses when i was in high school i started a power washing company where i would just like i just bought a power washer from home depot and i would put it in a i think it was like my brothers and my dad's pickup truck how many PSI it wasn't it was like commercial grade i don't remember i'm going to just say and this is like maybe 2,700 i forget it wasn't it wasn't a lot I think the commercial medium range yeah the big boys I think and I could be wrong

or like 3,500 4,000 was it gas or a plug-in gas okay so it had some good PSI going yeah and also too that's a magnum PSI dude this thing this thing ripped and I also I don't know if you ever put it set up a ladder on a hill but like if you have to do that I'm not retarded Matt I like showed up and I was like oh it can't be done and my dad's like no you got to put like a piece of wood and then like build yourself a ramp so that you create a level surface and I had to like, just get like a log and stake it in the ground with a piece of wood and just go up to like the second floor of people's houses in power wash. And it was like, it's kind of scary. And a bee, when you're on a ladder and a bee starts pestering you, that's like a really weird situation is you're up so high and you're just like, you know.

Hold on. You put a ladder up on a hill? Yeah. And then you just put, now they have ladders with detachable legs where you can kind of create a level surface. But I just had a regular ladder. So I had to just like get like a metal steak and drive it into the ground and put it like a log and then just put a piece of wood so that it. like state level. That's weird.

They have ladders that have been in Vietnam. But power washing was good. It's like the thing you can do in summertime and stay cool the whole time is you're getting hit with like a gentle mist. Yeah, that's right. So. And just so folks know, it's one of the, it's like a gun and it, it shoots water through at high pressure and it literally strips, it gets into the pores of concrete, it gets into the

grain of wood. Yep. And it lifts out any grease, dirt, mud, might be great for homeless people. now that we're talking about it. You got to be careful, though, because I remember my dad was like, don't let it hit your foot. And I was like, it's water. How could it hurt my foot?

Put bubbles in your blood. No, it cut my foot. I put it on my foot. Not that bad because I didn't, again, if one of the big boys, you could just. Oh, yeah. High pressure water can, I've seen videos of it cutting through granite. Yeah, I can. I found out on my foot.

I was like, ow, that really hurt. Well, the other thing, too, is I don't know how scientifically factual this is, but I'm going to throw it out here since we're having a very, very comprehensive power washer conversation. Matthew. I've heard rumor, maybe you can verify since you owned a power wash company,

something that I've never been able to talk to someone about. You put the power washer on your skin and because of the intensity, it pushes air bubbles right through the porous covering of your skin and can get in your blood.

What? Did I just make that up? No way. Is it feasible? Did I just make that up? I think you made that up. I might have. You know what a nice,

a fun fact like that is, though? You know if you're, so if you're digging a trench and you're up to your waist and then dirt caves in and like comes up to your waist and dirt,

you'll die. Because it just like constricts, it does something with your blood pressure. The weight of the dirt is so immense. Maybe it's like up above your waist, but you'll die. You mean right around the lung area. Not even the lung.

If it hits like your stomach, it'll like squit. I don't know what it does, but it'll kill you. It just constricts everything, pushes it in. I'm just trying to push my own to see if it's harder to breathe. Yeah, because I am all, I don't want to brag, but I am OSHA 30 certified. I do have my OSHA 30 hour training, so I know a lot about construction safety.

You have a Japanese car? I had to get my OSHA, like the occupational safety hazard, whatever it's called. Really? Yeah, you know, like if you do construction, there's a guys who like watch you with binoculars. If you're committing. Right, right, right. Misties will find you like $17 million. Wow. I have a similar, I have what's called my St. John Ambulance certificate because I used to be a lumberjack.

I was a foreman. And so we had to learn, we had to take all these first aid courses like, you know, how to do mouth to mouth and resuscitate people and heal lacerations because we're working with axes and chainsaws and sandvicks and all this stuff. So it's kind of neat to know that stuff. It is fun, man. This is my, I would say in terms of my jobs, this is my absolute pride and joy. What is it? A condom? No, no. I'll tell you pull your wallet. In terms of, like, a cool badge from a job, check that out. Oh, dude, let me put the peepers on. Check that out. Cheapers creepers. Matt McCusker is a licensed private investigator employed by...

Oh, don't need to know. Read the number. See, I knew instinctually. Because you're a private investigator. That would have blown your cover. Yeah, and they kind of faked it for me. I'm not really sort of. But I did get to private investigate for one day.

you did yeah it was kind of fun so this isn't something you do on the side no i wish it is actually it was way more boring than i thought it was like i sat in a parking lot and just had to like wait for this one guy all day and i like started reading a book and i don't think i think i missed them yeah that's that's what they do private investigators 99% of their job is just sitting and waiting and watching yeah it's really boring i thought he was like telling me because he's like he's like he's really good at it and he was like yeah sometimes i have like a spy device and to sit in a bar and like listen and I have like get i don't know what the hell he's talking about but i was like i'll be doing that and he was like no i was in like the parking lot of like a

industrial like freezer warehouse just waiting for a guy oh freezer freezer freezer warehouse crimes are some of the most they're just rampant i saw a guy running off with about four bags of frozen peas about three weeks ago i almost called you is he at large huh he's still at large he's still at large i don't even know what i'm saying anymore but this is cool your pride and joy I'd like to share since you did. Yeah. I mean, since we're sharing our pride and joy in our wallet things, I'd love to, how about this?

My Ralph Rewards card. Oh, I like that. Yeah, Ralph Rewards. I get, when I do my groceries, I just scan it and I get a little. What do you get? Do you really get a, you get like a kickback on that or what? Yeah, they shave a little off. You buy some hot dogs.

You buy just, you know, since I'm boasting a little, Ralph Rewards. It's pretty good. Yeah, not bad, right? It's pretty good, yeah. I love it that you knew about it. So you're like sort of a tool guy. You look like you know your way around. You know what's yes and no.

I was like really bad at it, to be honest. I could do it all, but I don't have like a really mechanical mind at all. I was like my family really does demolition, which that I could do because there's like not as much measuring. You're just kind of like cutting stuff down. Are you talking demolition manually? Are you talking these guys with the explosives that can take down a building? No explosives.

but it was manual. It was like hand, like jackhammer stuff. And then we would do like my, uh, my dad would do more like high reach excavators. And like they would have these like rotating shears and cut metal. Oh, like so they were like topple big high stuff. You would have been great out in the orchards. I would have loved, I would have loved going out in the orchards. Get your dad with his high root dad.

Can you give you that apple right up there? Got it, son. That's my boy. There's something nice about working with your dad, though, especially in a construction settings, very, there's something like almost like medieval about it. There's something medieval and there's something medieval and there's something medieval and there's something sort of primal. I think we like the concept of our fathers being builders and knowing.

Because when you're a builder, you're usually associated with building a shelter, which in turn is a home, which is where you and your tribe live. Yeah. I had a similar experience with my daddy. I call him daddy. That's fine.

You just said dad. Well, Daddy works too. I had the D.Y on the end. You're a daddy. Well, it's my daddy. It's a little more intimate. It is very intimate. But my daddy was,

he was a builder too and I grew up with it and so it really sort of got ingrained into my thing and I'm nuts about an electric drill and to the point I think I have Hey everybody Who wants to have better sex?

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. and have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh. Yeah. When I was growing up, when I was breastfeeding, all I ever. What make is that?

What do you got there? Milwaukee or McKee? Oh, this is a black and decker, my guy. Yeah, black and decker. It's nice. And when I was breastfeeding, this is all I ever heard. Really? When I was breastfeeding, because daddy was always drilling.

He was always, so, well, I was suckling. That's how you fall asleep at night now. All I'm hearing is this. So now this became very soothing to me. Whenever I hear a drill, I just, I can almost visualize my mother's aeriola all over my face. Just feel warm and just connected. Just connected. And what happened is the tables kind of turned as I went into adolescence and now I'm in

puberty. So now I'm like a 16 year old boy living in the house. And now daddy and mommy are having daddy mommy time through the drywall. You know, we all lived upstairs. we all had our bedrooms for sure and so now I went from this maternal feeling of you know babies doing a little suckling yep to now I'm hearing moaning and groaning through the drywall and who wants to hear that have you ever heard your parents doing it you're talking about the primal scene no yeah I've never happened upon the formal scene like intercourse have you ever

heard it no I swear I've never heard it okay well it's one thing to hear it but when you hear your parents doing it like if you're at a motel I've heard it but not my parents right like if you're a Motel 6 in Bakersfield and you hear a truck driver and a mermaid going at it and they're doing like, you know, Waffle House farts in between. It's okay. It is okay. Because you don't know them. Exactly. But when Mommy and Daddy are moaning and groaning through the drywall, like literally if you knock the drywell down, they're two feet away. You're right there. So what I learned, I learned and, you know, I took the drill and I learned the rhythm of their lovemaking. And so what... Yeah, that might make sense. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to laugh.

That does make sense. And you would just kind of pulse with them. Well, what I would do to block out the noise, it would be kind of like they'd start and their rhythm would like, oh, oh, oh, oh, but to mask it, I would just be like, now would you moan as well?

Hold on, they're still fucking. Oh, my bad, my bad. Let them finish, guy. And then here comes the big. That's a good move. This is what I had to do, so I didn't have to hear them. Would you mowed along to keep time just to like, okay. So what I do, I learned their pattern.

It was almost like a code, and this way I blocked out. So now, while they're having intercourse, I'm just having these maternal, wonderful feelings about breastfeeding with my mom. Well, they're doing what they're doing. Dude, I get the feeling you want to give it a crack. Can I give that a crack? Dude, maybe, I mean. Wow, this thing's nice, dude.

I don't want to get into your lovemaking habits. with your wife. I'll talk about it. But what's your, if you could just for my audience, show our audience your pattern of how you make love. This is how I start.

It's like that. And then it goes right to the jackhammer. And then I suddenly withhold. I say, I'm done. I don't finish. I never finish. I go,

I'm done. And I walk away. You pull it out? Pull it out. Dude. I just, and if I ever somehow get my wife close to fruition. I stop immediately too. I go.

She really likes when I go as fast and hard as I can. And then I just go, that's it. Enough. And I stop. And I say, that's enough for today. You just let her hang. All the time. You never finished the hole. Never. Not me or her. Wow, dude. It just gets us ramped up. That takes, I got to be honest, my guy. That takes a little bit of Casanova to do that. Oh, you're kidding. Oh, then let's see the finish. fucking guy what they're leaving a cock teaser you go hurry up you don't have much time left all right too bad for you wow yeah that's it that's real time too anyone got a cigarette holy shit dude you can drill holy fuck dude you're a power driller wow that's how i do it's how i do it

Unbelievable. That's unbelievable. That's great you have. That's a, dude, that's a really nice drill. Isn't that great? It's a good drill, but it's also, you know, I used it. It's funny because most people just do it for construction, but as I said, I had to use it for various reasons.

Yeah. It's medical. But medical, yeah. Thanks for sharing. That was intimate. Look, I've had a lot of guests on here, and most of them will not share the rhythm of their intercourse. Really?

Yeah, I guess you didn't hesitate. No, not at all. You were just like, I think it was, hold on. Let me see if I remember. Yeah, let me see if I remember. Start's kind of key. Yeah, so the start was like, and then you were like pound, pound, thrust, thrust, stop, turn her over doggy style. Well, that's how I interpret it.

That's right. Yeah, is that right? That's actually, thrust, thrust, right, thrust, thrust. And then big finish. That's. My finger got stuck. I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to. Dude, you rock.

You're my new hero. Dude, that's, you kind of actually, there's a lot of clairvoyance going on. It is weird, right? You're talking about the talking to finish. I was like, yeah, you can just hear, you can sense it. Holy black and bender.

Forget about black and decker. Holy shit. Wow. I want to ask you, too, about, You have nice eyes. You have, like, kind of, yeah, you've got nice eyes. They're sort of, you've got those eyes. They're sort of, when I first met you, they're sort of like a little bit piercing.

Really? Yeah, they're kind of like, you know, like they grab your attention. Wow, I didn't know that. And I was wondering, have you ever had glasses or laser eye surgery or anything like that? No, I never had glasses. I still, apparently everyone on my mom's side, they say their vision at 40 just goes. Like, it's 2020 and then it's just like bad. What do you now?

I still think I have 2020. Are you 40 yet? I'll be 39 in January, so. Okay. So you go. I have one more year, good eyesight. Yeah, that's around when mine went. I think it was around 42.

Yeah. It was just so weird, Matt. It's like, you know, we get on the airplanes. We fly to our gigs. And back when I was 42, it was still newspapers. We didn't have all the news on our phone. So you'd buy USA Today. I'm just there reading.

And then just one morning, it was like, wait, what? and it was like out of focus and I thought oh and I rubbed it a bit and it was like oh it went back into focus but then like the next week it happened and then it didn't come back into focus and I went fuck here it is it's just like that that's how weird it just sort of happens yeah that's what my uncle was telling me yeah it's one day I woke up my eyes didn't really work yeah I think it's kind of cool though on one level just have like the world start to blur I think it's good for you it's I think it's like necessary as you get older to like to sort of

soften the edges of the cruel world we live in? Exactly. Starts like, hey. That's an interesting take. You know, to be like, hey, don't get too attached to this place because you have much more time left. So it just kind of starts blur and everything and you're like, oh yeah, let me start thinking about something else. Yeah, maybe it's a little

easier to handle when everything's a little fuzzy and blurry. It's sort of like a plush toy versus like a hard-edged object. Yeah. It's an act of mercy I think from nature just to like interesting. Start cutting your vision and hearing. too. I had to get laser eye surgery.

How'd you like that? What a fiasco this turned into. There's a reason why I'm wearing this hat. This happened about, I'm going to say, I think it was about two and a half months ago, so I'm healing up a bit. But I go in for this stuff because it's getting to the point where it's too fuzzy.

Like the plush toy had been through the spin cycle about 80 times and no one threw in a cling-free sheet. So why not glasses? You didn't want to do glasses? I didn't want the glasses. they're too cumbersome. I didn't want to look like a hot nerd and have women throwing themselves at me all the time.

True. So I finally elect to go into this laser surgery thing. And you fly a lot. Have you ever been in a scenario where folks, we can't take off the captain is past his eight-hour shift? Yeah. We have to keep them landed. So these pilots, they won't fly in the air after eight hours. Yeah.

Well, nobody told me this. I go to the laser eye surgery, jerned, as they say in Philly. Yeah, the jert. Is that where they say it? The jert, the joint, the joint. Yeah, that works. So these guys that do laser eye surgery,

they're working with lasers, okay? Laser beams, like Mr. Spock. Hello, Captain Kirk. Laser beams, okay? We're not working with drills. Yeah. Lays like fucking laser beam. Yeah.

These guys don't knock off after eight hours. hours. I'm laying on the thing. This doctor, who knows how long he's been up, cranks on the laser, he's in my eye, this fucker nods off. The laser starts going haywire, carves a swastika in my forehead. Okay? That's why I got the good vibes. Dude, that's why I got it covered up. Last thing people would suspect under the good vibes. Right. The giant swastika. And you're like Harry Potter. You have like the, you have the scar. Dude, it's brutal. That stinks. So here I am.

I panic, right? This guy's fucking asleep on the floor. I got a bleeding swastika. Throw my hat on. Get in my car. I'm speeding home. I don't know what I'm going to do. And I get pulled over.

I get pulled over by a cop. And, you know, if you ever been, you ever seen these school zones where it's like 25 MPH? And if you go like two miles an hour over, they pull you over. Yeah. So this is one of these 25ers. I'm going 112. I hit four kids, one in a wheelchair.

Who cares about that one? He has no legs. Who gives a fuck? He could be a ladder on a hill with no legs. So here we go. Cop pulls me over. It's a female. It's a woman cop, okay?

Comes up to my window, hands me to take a $220. What? She goes, you can pay it now or you can send a check into the courthouse. And me kind of looking for an angle, I got the thing on, I want to get out. of there. I say, well, how about I pay you now with my hairy checkbook? And cut to her, we're in the back of my car, just hammersmithing, just power grinding, right? We're just going at it, going at it. We're in the middle, we're in the throes of passion, in the backseat, in the middle of all the fury, she knocks my hat off, cut to Officer Berkowitz. She's Jewish. Holy fuck God.

It just, it was a fucking nightmare. That's a fiasco. Did you Yelp review it? What do you mean? You should have Yelp reviewed the doctor. You give him a Google review. I've never done that. You should write that as a Google review right now for that place.

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What do you mean? Like their dog best? is getting squished by rocking chairs? No, their tails. Oh, that would suck. Because then they, you know, because they yelp. They do. I didn't realize, I think their tails connected, like, literally to their spine.

It is. Yeah, that's like, I always wondered why it hurt so bad. Oh, yeah, there's vertebrae in the tail. Yeah. If you ever find a skeleton of a canine or a cat, yeah. Most animals, there is a literal vertebrae that runs right to the tip of the tail. It tapers right down.

You can almost use the end like a toothpick if you're so inclined. Yeah, I literally. I just figured that out, like, this year. I was like, oh, that's why. Yeah. I saw my kid pull my dog's tail, and I, like, I grabbed my dog, and I was like, oh, God, there's, like, bones in this part.

And I was like, that's probably why it hurts. Like, someone yanking your spinal cord. Oh, yeah. Yeah, what kind of dog? I have a Staffordshire Terrier. And he's a sweet guy. And then I have one. Where do you take him out for a walk on the moors?

Staffordshire char charit cheeky. What is it? They're like a pit bull. They look like a pit bull. Oh, you could have said that. but no, I thought you was a William F. Shakespeare over here. Always got to pump me up with the biggies.

A Shephyr-fire, Chesterfield fire. Like, fuck, dude. The other ones, like, whip it with Shepard. Whip it real good. Yeah, it's like a little mini Greyhound. Yeah, right. So it's that and the Staffordshire, the Staffordshire Terrier.

I thought he's just a pit bull. He says, when I, we got, we got both of them from like a rescue place. The one was like a puppy. The mutt was a puppy. Oh. Staffy was like one when we got him. But I thought he was a puppy too. And I was like, he's going to be, I thought he's going to be a giant pit bull.

So I started feeding him so much. And he's just, they're not that big of dogs. They're like 50 pounds. Yeah. He got like my staffie got like super fat for me feeding him. He's just out like an out of shape pit bull? Yeah, pretty much. Now he's, he lost a diaper.

He lost a little weight and then he had knee surgery. Now he's fat again. Knee surgery. What's he playing racquetball on the week? How do pit bulls go through knee surgery? A lot of parents. I know an old lady down the road who has no fucking hips and she's still walking around.

Is that somehow a pit bull got in line? Common for the breed. Common for the breed. They have tight knees. I didn't know this when we got him. And all of a sudden he was limping for like a month. What? I was like, I had his legs probably asleep.

And eventually I took him to a vet. I was, ACLs are torn. But was he an active dog or was he just a house dog? He's really like running around and wrestle and stuff. Okay. I don't know what happened. Sort of earned the leg.

Yeah, yeah, he did. He was wrestling. He loves the rassel. That's his big thing. He doesn't do fish. He just loves the rassel. Rassel. Another word not very common. Rassel is totally common. Most of us say wrestle, Matt. No, wrestles highbrow. Rassels, that's the every band says, Rassel. Okay. William F. Shakespeare. What's the F for? There's no F. And was it, is that, did he have a middle initial, Shakespeare?

You would think he did. Yeah. I keep calling you William F. Shakespeare. What's the F? It sounded right. I was assuming. I was like, oh, I guess William Shakespeare has a, so when people, whenever people say, like, the president, like Donald J.

I always forget people's initials. And I'm just like, I am, or Joseph R. Biden, I believe. It's like, I always like when people have enough just attention to that to be like, I remember the president's middle initial. I'm always like, that's kind of impressive. They're sort of like extra leftover letters, like William H. Macy. Michael J. Fox, Samuel L. Jackson, Donald J. Trump. Can we make a word with those letters?

So we got Michael J. Fox. We got Donald J. Trump. That's two J's. William H. Macy. That's another A. Samuel L. Jackson. La Houdja? Yeah, that's not a good word. You can make that.

What do we make a new one? LaHoodja. What does it mean? Does anyone have their name, Val, last name? I think it's all consonants. I don't know if anyone has like a, Val? Yeah, like a vowel, like an A or...

Oh, a vowel. Yeah, vowel. Their last name? No, middle. No, I don't know. A lot of people were like, or I guess A.A. Milne who wrote Winnie the Pooh. Oh, a little poo.

Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. He does. He's a middle initial. But wait a minute. If his first name is A, his middle name's A. Fuck him.

It's kind of bullshit. A.A. Milne. One, one more A, and you can come fix my fucking flat tire. You pretentious children book writing fucking diarrhea bear freak that is crazy though to go with your full name and middle initial because my full name is matthew so i could be matthew j macusker but it's it feels pretentious to be like no it's a good sound of name it's not bad it's a good scottish sound of name yeah it is oh i like it matthew matthew john would be nice but i matthew john mccasker with his chaffir musk but what's what your dog

called staffichar oh yeah staffichar terrier michael j musk no matthew jem musker with his chaffisier chested fear, shire. You're shy. Fuck you. Fuck you for tongue twisting me up on my own podcast. Whoa. You know what? I'm going to play the theme music again just for that.

We're on the Holland Highway podcast and I'm getting the bricks taken to me today by our guest. Do you do movies and acting and all that too, Matt? Or you just stand up? Are you a writer? Writer. Writer. Yeah. I like writing.

Like for television, movies, books. No. No. books. I wrote a novel. Oh, yeah, you wrote a book. You wrote a book about, wasn't about your neighborhood or something like that? Yeah, I was living in a neighborhood, but I officialized all my neighbors. I, like, had met my neighbors. I didn't talk to any of them, but I just made up a story based on them. Yeah, and it's on Amazon, right? Your book's on Amazon. Tell us the name. Overlook. Overlook. By the way, a great hotel in Colorado if you want to murder your family.

The Overlook. Having a little trouble with the old sperm bank upstairs, Lloyd. Remember that was the name of the hotel in The Shining? Now I do, yeah. Dude. I saw a movie when I was little and I was like, I want to watch it again as an adult. Yeah. Because I saw it as like a little boy. And I remember it was like creepy.

It's creepy. I recommend read the book. I read the book before I saw the movie and the movie was a colossal disappointment because I enjoyed the book so much. I got to check it. I do got to read it. That sounds good. But wait, forget about Stephen Z. King or whatever his middle thing is.

Tell us about your book. That's quite, A, that's quite an accomplishment. And then also, I don't know that I've bumped into a lot of comedians, which is the world we rotate in that have written their own book. So this is cool.

Tell me about it. Yeah, I was just, it was funny when I was, I wanted to write a tragedy. I was like, I want to write a book that's just like a sad tragedy. Why?

What made you? I was like getting divorced. I was like in my first marriage. I was just being a baby, just being like, I wanted a sad story. But I ended up... You're allowed. You're allowed.

That's called venting. It's true. What was the other big word you used before? I forget. Like I said venting, but it's something... Check the tape, Larry. A catharsis? No, no.

Would you fucking... Fuck. You know, I'm getting fucked over by William F. Shakespeare over here. Fuck me, man. But it was a book about a bunch of neighbors in a blue-collar neighborhood who all get intertwined around this, like, one character who's, like, this homeless, kind of, like, transient, like, hippie fellow.

Okay. Like, you know, like, evil hippies? Like, they're, like, they're, like, those guys that will follow, like, jam bands, but they're always, like, coming through towns and, like, selling fake acid and, like, stealing stuff. Okay, they're, like, like, snake oil sales. Yes. But also hippies where they're, like, yeah, man, everything's cool.

And they're, like, you know, whatever. But it was, like, a drug-addled transient hippie guy who, like, fucks a couple of them over. in different ways that like brings the neighbors together but the neighbors don't like each other either and they all like wrapped around this like weird plot around this kid and then you know it all kind of like everything comes ahead it's it's it's interesting when you're writing a book like that where you clearly have a lot of characters that you have to organize all those characters and their stories and they're you have to create their history and their present and their pat like it's it's it's uh it's quite an accomplishment to be able to organize all that and then put it

to words and put it into a book. Good for you, man. Thank you. Yeah. It was fun. It was the only thing I ever finished. I'd never finished anything before that. I finally started to finish it. And I felt good about it. I was really happy. Yeah. And again, because I want people to see this. Tell them again where they can get it and read it. Overlook on Amazon. So if you just look, overlook on Amazon, it'll pop up. And just pop, pop it in, order it, and they'll send it to your door. There are some typos. I apologize for that. That's okay.

I hired a line editor and she did fail me. And then I just, you know, I like my wife read it. She's like, you know you have typos. And I was like a year later, I spas. I was like, God damn it. How humble, ladies and gentlemen, William F. Shakespeare and he can't spell. Now the balls in my court. Fuck you.

Well, that's a great accomplishment. And have you ever thought about making it into a screenplay or? No, I'm writing another, I'm going to write another book. Oh, good. Me and my friend are, my friend, Pager and I are writing a book. Pager. And that's who you want to write a book. Hopefully it's a page Turner.

He's a master. He's really good. I work with him a lot, a lot of stuff. And I like write out, I kind of can, like, flesh out the idea. Then he'll be like, let me do this. And he turns it into something like viable and nice. And I'm like, perfect. Oh, wow.

Yeah, he's very good. So you're sort of like a team. Yeah. We've teamed up. Dude, that's so cool. We've teamed up. He helped me write the first book. If I didn't have him editing it, I would never have finished it.

Yeah, yeah. So I kind of credit him to the first one as well. Yeah. Did you credit him in the book? No, I should have. I didn't do it really. I didn't do like a to someone or other, but I'm going to, I credit him out.

I tell everybody. I didn't know anything. I didn't know enough about it, but I will credit him. I'll say, to my dearest Pedro, thank you so much. You are the win that carries my words truly to the,

you know, something nice. Yeah. Just give Pager a little, give Pager a page. I should. Maybe just take his picture and put like a picture at the end. Change his name to Pitcher. Sounds like Pager.

But yeah, so that's my plan. I want to do stand-up and eventually just write books so I can just kind of, I just, I don't know. Good for you. Eventually like to write books and just have a quiet, peaceful life. Right. There's something very solitary about sitting down and writing a book and opening up this world in your mind. And when you sit down to write, you enter your own world. And what I find great about writing books is a lot of times you think you think,

you know how the story is going to end, but once you start writing, it's almost like the story starts taking you. Yeah, it's really cool. It's really fine. That's literally what happened with the first one. I thought I had a whole ending to it and just completely just got changed. Isn't that amazing? That's the joy of it. Yeah, you'll get into writing a story and it just, it decides to take you and you just go, I didn't even think of that when I started. And this is a lesson for all you want to be writers. That to me is the key to writing. Don't sit and wait for everything to just be formulated. Who's the writer?

I'm going to think of his name. But he said, if you want to write, sit down and write. Yeah. And who did the book, The Illustrated Man? Oh, my God. He's one of my favorite authors, and I'm blanking. But anyways, just write because it will take you. It will have faith that your story will find a way.

Yeah. It's true. Yeah. The thing to help me was not being so. precious about writing, too, where I'll, like, just crank out a horrible draft and just be like, what do you think about it? Because you can always, like, when I would start, I would, like, I would write and I'd read it and like, I suck so bad, but now I just let it suck.

And then once you get that first draft, you can just like, what sucks about it, then it's correct what sucks about it. And it just keep doing that over and over. It's really kind of easy. And you know what else happens sometimes too, Matt, is when you write something and you write a piece that sucks, like all of a sudden you wrote this whole bit about, you know, a refrigerator fell off the back of a truck. on the highway and you're like, why did I write that?

I don't like that. And then as you keep writing by like, you know, 27 pages later, you go, oh, my God, what if a refrigerator fell off the truck and hit it? And shit you wrote that you didn't think you needed or you were going to get. Suddenly, it comes back. Yep. And it becomes an intricate part of your story. And it's almost like magic.

You go, oh, my God, that's why that sort of blunder happened. It's really a great fascinating process. Hey, Amber, can you look up who wrote the illustrated man? I'm so embarrassed, I can't remember it. Who did write that? He's a master of short story. He writes incredible short stories. Yeah.

You got to read some of his short stories. He'll be an inspiration to you. You know what I like? Who wrote, um, god damn. The new Bimo, V.I. Porter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks. More points. More flights.

More of all the things you want in a travel rewards card, and then some. Get your ticket to more with the new BMO ViPorter MasterCard and get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months. Terms and conditions apply. Visit bemo.com slash ViPorter to learn more. Who wrote Get Shorty? Ray Bradbury, thank you. Ray Bradbury wrote The Illustrated Man.

He's an incredible author. Got you. But I don't know who wrote. Get Shorty, probably a small guy, probably a midget. I have, maybe an oompa-loompa wrote, Get Shorty. Oh, Elmore Leonard. Oh, is that the guy that killed Bugs Bunny? I don't think so.

Elmore. Oh, that's Fodge. That's Elmore Fudge. I'm sorry, his brother, yeah, yeah, sorry. He's short, too, by the way, Elmore Fudge. Elmore Leonard. He wrote Westerns. They're fantastic.

He wrote a bunch of different books. Get Shorty, they're phenomenal. Dude, well, that's exciting, man. Good luck with your next book. And when you're done, you have to come back and we'll talk about it some more. That'd be nice. Hopefully, yeah, hopefully we've done in like a year or so. Oh, good.

Yeah, that's the fun too. You can go at your own pace. When you do it yourself, there's no, there's no one pushing you. You do it when you want to do it. Yeah, exactly. That's great. Well, let's get down to our final bit here. And I hope you like this one.

We call it, we do this with every guest, Matt. We call it words from a wooden shoe. Okay. In this Dutch cloggy, there's little words. and you pull one out and see if the word triggers a moment, a memory of yours, someone you knew from your journey in life and share it with our 15 viewers. And let's see what you got, my guy. Yeah, what's your word?

A toboggin. Oh, wow. You're from the East Coast. Maybe there's a story here. I do have fond memories. So I grew up next door to my cousin. So my dad is one of 10 kids. Oh, wow.

Inbreeds? Probably, yeah. That explains the eyes. That explains the eyes, yeah. But he had a, so him and then his brother moved, got a plot of land like outside of Philadelphia. Yeah. So I grew up on like, not like a compound, but it's like my, I was like my dad was here. My uncle was here.

My uncle had 10 kids as well. My parents had six. So there were 16 kids. Dude, you're digging a big gene hole here. Well, no, go ahead. So we grew up. And it was like, you know, there's like big plot of land. And it was just like all these kids running around.

But my dad had a like 1968 Jeep Willie, like an old classic Jeep. Yeah. And it was four-wheel drive. So when it snowed, they would tie it toboggin to the back of the Jeep. And me and all my cousins would hop on a toboggan. They would just pull us around through the snow. It was awesome. Now I'm going to, because I know when you do that, A, it's awesome.

Because you don't have to do any work. But B, you're going sort of faster than you normally would on flat land. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. And C, the nuts driving tend to get a kick out of watching the people they're pulling flop and flip. And it can be dangerous as fuck. Did you ever, like, swing into a tree or a stump or a fence post? I'm pretty sure we get, like, pushed off and stuff or you would just fall.

Okay. I had a lot of fun. My brothers used to put me in a truck tire. So we had, like, spare trucks. They all had, like, machinery and stuff. Yeah. They would put us in, me and my cousin in a big truck tire as a kid, kind of like a little. Like a baby almost.

You were just, like, kind of crouching like a fetal position. They would just roll us down hills, and you were just inside of a tire, just roll. Really? And they would line up another tire, so you would hit that tire and ramp up in the air. That was the first time I got the wind knocked out of me. I was inside of a truck tire, and I, like, landed on my head and just crunched, and I thought it was dying. Can you imagine if you're rolling in the truck tire, right? You're picking up speed.

Here comes a girl crossing the road with no tits. You hit her. You jump out of the tire and go, I got it. a flat that would be the ultimate that would be the ultimate and then you pull out a thanksgiving turkey and carve it up for it's brought it back full circle full circle my guy um Matt what a pleasure to have you here buddy thank you for yeah I feel like I kind of made a new friend here because we we work in comedy but because of our geography we've never really got to associate this is the most we've interacted and what a what a great time buddy I had a blast thank you

so much. Would you please now take a moment and plug everything you want to remind, remind them about your book, your podcast, your tour schedule. This is your time. My guy, right here. Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. And if you want to see me do stand up, it's Matt McCusker.com. I have a bunch of places coming up after December, and my book is Overlook. And that's it. And your podcast is with your buddy Shane Gillis, right? Big doughy bastard, huh? Yeah. He's like Ben Grimm, but without all the. the rock shingles on it. I don't know who Ben Grimm is.

He's the thing from the Fantastic Four. Like, if you plucked those orange rocks off the thing, you'd just have that big doughy gillis underneath. He's a strong man. He is. Did he do sports? Yeah, he played D1 football. Oh, he did?

Yeah, he's super. I'm going to take back what I just said. He's freakishly strong. I didn't meet it. Many, many moons ago, we, like, wrestled. We were, like, just drinking. I was like, we were just, like, messing around a bunch of us wrestling. And I remember he, like, he gripped me up.

And I was like, God, damn, super strength. Really? Yeah, he's got super strength. Well, I'll test that out when I see. Get him, get it, lock horns with him next time he see him. He actually would love that. Dude, he's locked horns with him right away. Dude, he's not going to beat a guy with a swastika on his forehead.

That's what I'm saying. Is it still bleeding? It's pussing. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here, Matt. Folks, we had a great time. Get out there and go tobogging. And that's it for today on the Holland Highway. podcast until next time

be safe and chicken chow main baby I saw a kid get hit by a toboggin once did you really going down a hill and they just got they got they got they had all the winter clothes on and they got wedged in the thing that curls at the front and so

they were just twirling around underneath it was just like a sock and a briar it was hilarious that is hilarious although neither of us are laughing so it's not that funny I thought it's kind of funny you didn't laugh very much I was laughing. I was laughing inside. Oh, okay.

I was brightened up. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. And off we go.

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