The Harland Highway - MELISSA VILLASENOR - Ad jingles, made up lies, desert pee, WHITE LOTUS, and amazing cartoon voices!

Episode Date: April 15, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Huel and Manscaped: New customers visit Huel.com/HARLAND today and use my code HARLAND to get 15% off your first order plus a Free Gift! Get 20% OFF @manscaped + Free Shipping with promo code [HARLAND] at MANSCAPED.com! #ad #manscapedpod Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Melissa Villasenor: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melissavcomedy/?hl=en Website: https://www.melissavillasenor.com/ #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Harland. Welcome to today's episode. I'm on the road, so I had to film the intro out here in New York. But check out today's show. Today's theme song done by Adam Costello, really cool, groovy theme song. Thanks for sending in the themes. I'm having so much fun listening to them. Also, special announcement, don't forget if you're in the Toronto, Ontario, Canada area, On May 9th, we're doing a special screening, a sneak screening of the new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman with Jamie Kennedy and Russell Peters, Kayla Wallace. And it's going to be in Toronto. You can get the tickets at my website, Harlandwilliams.com. Just press the Wingman screening link.

And it's at 7 o'clock on a Friday night, and it's going to be a hoot. Man, this movie is out of control. So if you're in Toronto, please join. And while you're here at the podcast, please hit the subscribe button. And without any further ado, also check out my, I'm going to be in Ontario this week

doing a bunch of stand updates and on Ashua, London, Barry, and Ottawa. All this week, check Harlem Williams.com for the updates. That's it. Let's get to the show with Melissa, and we're going to have a riot. Looky, looky, I've got a cookie. Looky, looky, I've got a cookie.

And you don't, don't try to take my cookie. Looky, looky, I got a cookie. What kind is it? Chocolate chip, bitch. Wow, wow. Cruising down the never-ending road Talking laughs in every episode Tune in quick

Don't you ever stray It's the Harlan Highway Podcast today Harlan Highway Podcast group Feel the rhythm Feel the move Play it loud Let the good time stay

It's the Harlan Highway Podcasts. You want the cans? The can. You don't have to wear them. It's totally optional. Let's try them. And if you think that they look bad, take them off.

If I think they don't look good? Yeah. Oh, my God. Are you single? Oh, my God. Wow. All right. I love them on you.

Thank you. Yeah. Those are hot. Those are super hot. Wow. Right away. I didn't think you'd come on here and seduce me. I thought we were just tap.

See it, Lilith Fair. Oh, whoa. Are you on Tinder? I want to swipe you like a j-cloth across a dirty deli counter. Good God. Santa Maria. San Maria. Wow. How are you?

I'm good. Just got back from Fort Lauderdale. You were in a fort? Yeah. Cardboard or Brett? Yeah. Carboard. Oh, wow. What was it like a fridge?

Is it a fridge box or a dishwasher? It was both. Wow. Multi-dual fort. I'm going to really try with this today with you. Yeah. To really play make-believe more and follow and yes and. Oh, really?

Yes. I don't know if that's a good idea. Why? For anyone to come into my head space, I don't know. No, but I want to be there, too. You do? Yeah. I don't want to be in the real world anymore.

Right? Yeah. That's the whole thing behind the Harlan-Hawai podcast. Yeah, get into the Ha-Len-Hawai podcast. The Ha-Haw-Wet podcast. You get out of the real world here. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Wow. Why do we, why do we still call places forts? Yeah. Like, it's weird. Yeah, don't call it fort. Like, forts were from the, the 1600s. Forts were when, when the country began. Why is it Fort Lauderdale? It's a cosmopolitan city,

chicks and thongs, guys with tanning butter. Oh, and I just learned about BBL. Oh, wow. I didn't know of that, Harlan. You've never watched British television? No. Huh. A Brazilian butt lift.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant the BBL television network. Wait, what's a Brazilian butt lift? I found a coffee place. I was just chatting at. And the people working there were like, you're going to go see some BBLs at the beach because they went on a run.

Oh, wow. What the heck's that? They're like, Brazilian buttlift, you don't know? I don't know these things. You know, that conjures up some interesting imagery for me. Yeah. Because you've been to a wedding and you ever see

when the girl has the really long gown and there's the little kids holding the gown? Yeah. When you say Brazilian butt left, I'm picturing a little South American boy holding up some fat woman's ass cheeks as she's waddling down the boardwalk in the fort.

Yeah. I'm your Brazilian buttlifter, signorita. You forgot to wipe. Oh, too far. Too far. Would you ever get one? Would you get your butt lifted? No.

Yeah. That would be hilarious, right? I don't know. Just because I wouldn't, I'm not someone that would be interested. But all of a sudden, at one night at a comedy club, he's not seen me do a side, and we're like, whoa, what happened to Melissa? Yeah. Hey, everyone.

I got the BBL. Yeah. Go ahead and take a good look. Yeah, like you put the mic down, but not in the stand. You put it in your butt crack. You just stick it down. God. That's how strong and tight it is.

Yeah. Are you happy with your buns? Oh, I think they're wonderful. You're happy with your roast beef? Very happy with my roast beef. Yeah. I feel very grateful. Oh, wow.

I think they're perfect. What's the killer for a girl? Is it a flat butt? Is it a butt that's too big? Like, what's the something that, like, why do they get the butt left? Is it a sagging butt? What is it? Maybe, maybe, yeah, people are going through problems that I don't know of, you know.

Yeah. But whatever makes you happy. Yeah. But I wouldn't want anyone messing with something like that. Something perfect. Yeah, because think of all the chairs, like, you have to try to fit in, and what if they just gets? Yeah. I don't know.

Well, I had a sister who did this thing where she got the, instead of getting the butt lift, she got the fat, like, they saw. suck the fat out of your butt and inject it in your face like to make it look fuller and she didn't look much better I'll be honest but the upside was I got to call her

ass face for the rest of her life and that felt real good this is your sister my sister ass face yeah yeah how do you how do you walk around in life

knowing you've got ass in your face. I couldn't, no. And what if the ass enzymes or the ass chromosomes? Because, you know, our bodies are wired to do things. The fingers are... It's sometimes you get little pimples on your head.

Yeah. So what if you got assney on your face? Essie? Yeah. You're just like a breakout in a Braille kid's book or something. Yeah. But the fingers are wired to articulate.

The jaw is wired to move. So what if you got half your ass pumped into your face, and you have an auto response, you go into a public restroom to take one, and instead of sitting down, you just shove your face right in the toilet, because your face is wired to ask the toilet seat. Right. I mean, I should ask ass face about this. Why am I asking you?

Yeah, I wouldn't know. Why am I asking perfect ass when I could be talking to ass face right now? Yeah, I think you should have a heart to heart. Would you do any cosmetic procedure? I don't think so. Well, you said I don't think so. That left some wiggle room. Honestly, I've been giving more thought to this, and I think, no, no, no.

I think I'd rather look unique. If I start doing stuff, then I'm going to look like everyone else. And then that's plain and boring, and I think I need to keep my uniqueness. I love that you said not just unique, but just be me. You know, I love that. Yeah, and you know, there was, there was, there were moments where I was like, oh, my nose, should I do, no, no, I was like, but that looks like my dad. My smile looks like my, you know, and I'm going to take away all this beauty of my family.

Like the, you know, one time I was getting my eyebrows waxed, and the lady was like, I'll do it, for free, I'll curl your lashes. I was like, don't touch my lashes. Ooh. I like that they go flat down. They do? Because my family, yeah, they, they, my brothers and sisters, they just go straight. covered the eye. And I'm like, that's,

reminds me of my family. Why would you want to take that away from me? Bitch. Whoa. Wow. Wow. Wow. You bitched her. Yeah. Wow. You bitch slapped her. Yeah. Wow. Wow. You're sensitive about your lashes. But aren't your lashes just doing what they're supposed to do? Yeah. Let it be. Yeah. I love it that you said that. That's a,

because I think there's something to what you said about when everybody gets the same procedure, people start looking the same. Like I was watching, did you see any white lotus? Yeah. The girl with the teeth. Like at first I was like, oh, but then I fell in love with her. I was like, she's so precious and unique. The gopher teeth, like the big, like beaver teeth.

You know what? It makes her special. It did. I love it. And it was almost sort of sexy. And especially in today's world where everyone is starting to look alike, she stood out like a lighthouse at the edge of the world. Yes.

Like she really stood out and you... What's what I'm talking about? I think you almost... And I think what's the name of the creator, David Smith or whatever, of White Lotus? I thought it was Mike White. Is that it? Whatever. Whatever. Whatever, yeah. David Smith.

I don't know. But anyways, I bet that was part of the allure to casting her. I think so. And it was refreshing to see I at least had a visceral reaction where I went, holy smokes, like that's really refreshing. Yeah.

Because even models and good-looking boys and girls that don't do procedures, they still do kind of the same, a lot of the same cosmetic stuff in it. Yeah, like the symmetrical face people. Yeah. And, yeah, so. But, so you're a fan of White Lotus. Yeah, I mean, I like it. Oh, this is great news. Oh, this is such great news. I think it just keeps you on your toes and it's juicy and it's dark and you're like, ew. No, but it's good. It's good stuff.

No, you're preaching to the choir. Okay, good. Can I, uh. Go, you want to, uh, well, I mean, I saw everything already. I already watched it, but can you open up? Yes, of course. It's your podcast. I'd like to go one step further. Can I share something with you that I haven't told anyone yet? Go for it, Harley.

I got cast in season four of White Lotus. Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing season four, and I'm not supposed to sign an NDA, but I've got the gig. You shouldn't say this out loud. That what are they going to do, fire me? I've got the gig, I got cast.

I'm not supposed to say where, but Greece. We're on the shore of Greece, the turquoise ocean. Are you serious? Yeah, isn't that wild? And I love the show. Are you really serious for me? Yes. Wow. Isn't that wild?

You're the first to congrats me. Yeah. Oh. Isn't that cool. I auditioned for Stephen White, and I got the part. What's his name? Mike Lloyd. I think so.

Yeah, okay. Maybe that's him, but yeah, you know, I just realized with all the work I've put in as a professional actor and all the hard training I've done, it's sort of paid off with this. Yeah.

And I wonder if you'd be an angel, a cinnamon angel. Yes. I shouldn't even do this because they signed an NDA. Yeah, you shouldn't talk about this. I, uh,

where is it? Oh. And this is for your benefit, too. I printed up a scene from White Lotus season four. All right. Now I know you're fooling me. Oh, no. This is, I've got it in hand.

And what I'd like to do is so I can share with my fans and the White Lotus fans. It's just a quick scene. if you'd read with me. Okay. Hey, everybody, look what I got. I got the Hewell. Oh, who will, yes. I got the Hewell.

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Oh. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Oh, yeah. You know there are moments where there was just random moaning in the sound, in the background. Yeah.

That's perfect. Thank you. Either that or we found a new species of jungle cat. Like, that is some. But let me just tell you, and as a friend. Yes.

I know you're not cast in White Lotus. I am, season four. But if I were you, and you've been on Saturday Night Live, you've done specials, you've done acting, you don't need me to tell you. But I would recommend, I would recommend ratchet it up. And who knows if Clyde Smith is watching this thing, and who knows if you don't get a bounce?

You know what? Thank you. That's actually very smart. For my friends. So when you say a ratchet, what does that mean? I would say bring your A game to this. And I don't want to put pressure on you, but I would dig deep into your acting basement or root cellar or moldy, you know.

But where are they, what kind of voice? That's what I want to know. Well, let me. Definitely not mine, right? No, I mean, this is your acting choice. It could be, I mean, most of the. actors on that show just play themselves sort of, or a rendition of themselves. But this is a scene where you and I play husband and wife. And we're at the White Lotus in Greece. And you play

Charlize Beamwall. Okay. And I play Bark. Bark Beamwall. And I'll read the action and then we'll just go right into the scene. All right. Do you do any voice exercises? Is there any type of pre-thesbian work? No, I mean, no. And then after we do this, I'm going to introduce you. Maybe I just go, who, ho, ho, ho. Oh, yeah, if you can do, if you want to interject it, because if Miles Smith sees you doing that,

that could be the little bump. Okay, thank you. Here we go, gang. Season four of the White Lotus, and were external restaurant White Lotus Greek Resort Day. Bark Beamwall sits at the brunch table with his loving wife, Charlize Beamwall. They enjoy the Greek beauty, the Greek view, and the other patrons. Would you look at that view out there, baby?

And how about this omelet? So fluffy, like a hospital pillow. is it just me or is the ocean bluer here in Greece I believe they'd call it turquoise honey I'll turquoise you I'll slam your face into the ceiling fan they giggle but suddenly bark notices a tall thin man at the other table suddenly his demeanor changes dramatically

Jesus Christ Bark Is everything all right honey Uh, yeah, just, uh, come on, pass me the Tatsiki. It's, isn't it a bit early for Taseiki? Tatsiki? It's not even noon. Look, I said, pass me the goddamn Tatsiki. Bark, what is wrong with you? Nothing, look. Suddenly, I got a real bad itch.

Itchy, itchy, yeah, yeah. No, you're thinking, Gitchie, Gitchie, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, itchy, itchy, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Charlize follows his gaze and sees the tall man. Bark, do you know that man? Yeah, maybe I do. Is he a dirty priest who touched you? Okay.

Is he a dirty priest who touched you inappropriately when you were 14? Yeah. He rubbed. relish on my legs. It made me sniff his crack. Oh, bark. No wonder you're so itchy. Itchy like I just installed fiberglass insulation in a dirty attic in the nude. Oh, barky. My dear barky, what can I do? Shut your gobble and pass me the goddamn Tatsiki. But Tatsiki won't erase the horrors and trauma of a priest's grind. Look, I never thought I got grinded, Charlize. I said I got relish rubbed on my legs. Oh, Bark.

My sweet Barkie? Would you shut your raspberry delight pie hole and pass me the goddamn Tatsiki? What are we going to do, Barkie? I'm going to murder him at midnight. What? Ow. I'm going to drown him in the deep Greek turquoise sea.

I'm scared. Stop a three-hour fire log. in your gaping pie hole and pass me that goddamn Tetsiki. Wow. I lost it at the end a little, but I already have the part.

That's great. Yeah, I already have the part. Thank you. Great job, Harley. Thank you. And can I just in case, because I, you, by the way, to you, do you want to drop your agent's name

and your agency just in case? Um, we got, uh, W. Me, agent. W. William Morris Agency. Yes. And your agent? The real name? Or I can make it up. Well, they're going to be caught. I mean, if he, if he calls. Right, right. Um, Fidel. Fidel. Fidel. Great. Thank you for letting me look on that. I actually had acting class last night, so I'm, I felt very. You were good. I was ready. You were, you were bang on.

You were so Greek. Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa Valesignor is here for the second time. And what a treat. Actress, comedian, one of the best voice impression people I've ever met. This is your third visit, technically, because you did my old podcast when it was only audio. You're one of the few people I never had guests And I said

Haaland highway podcast Oh my way podcast Where you going To the Holland Highway Podcast Wow perfect timing What was your agent's name? Fidel?

Yes Oh my God What a talent, right? What a talent And speaking of talent I got to ask you. I think I know the answer. Are you like a jingle gal?

Do you like ad jingles and ad campaigns? I would. I would love that. I don't, no, I don't do any. Are you being serious? I'm serious. You wouldn't lie to me? I wouldn't lie to you.

You're my friend. You're not involved in any type of ad campaign, multinational. Another. Okay. Well, I got, look, I saw one. When I see a winner, I got one Subway sandwich. Looky, Looky, I got a cookie. Okay.

And how cute is that? That's super cute. And they do need a little jingle for that. Oh, they need a jingle? I think they should. Let's give them one. Looky, looky, I've got a cookie. Looky, lucky, I've got a cookie.

You don't. Don't try to take my cookie. Looky, lookie. I got a cookie. Look it. What kind is it? Chocolate chip, bitch. Wow.

Wow. I think there should be more of that in a national ad. Just chocolate bitch. Call your customers bitch. I don't know what's gotten into me today. I'm sorry. I normally don't swear at all. Well, it's not swearing.

But it is sort of blue. It's like, it's like biker bar, sailor talk. Yeah, I should. But I think you're on to something incorporating into the ad game a bit of blue. Right, right. Like drink a Diet Coke, bitch, you know? Yeah, and you actually, you actually get more, um, it, it makes you kind of go, yeah, I will. Yeah.

It gives you some power. And it's relatable. It's like Wendy's new baconator, fuckhead. You know what I mean? Like it's got, it's relatable. And then you listen to that. You're like, yeah, I am a fuckhead. Yeah, who hasn't been called a fuckhead?

And why not be a fuckhead with the smell of bacon in the air? Right. Just go full throttle. But I got to look, I don't like to call my friends out, but I got a little discrepancy with what you said about not being in the the ad game. So I got to show you something here. Okay. Um, your name, what? Melissa Valeseñor. Mm-hmm. What's that little thing right over the N? Well, that's a little snake, of course. What, but what is that thing? It's a little

a n. But what, what's its purpose? Let me show the, the purpose gives the N, the seigneur, the yin. And you're not affiliated with any, like... Because I think if it didn't have it, people say Villa Senor, Senor, versus Via Senor. Okay. But also, that's another thing. There should be something over the L so people know it's silent. Isn't it a great last name?

It's a great name, but something's bothering me. We're friends, so we tell each other the truth, right? Go ahead. Go ahead. Tell me the truth. Have you heard a sublime? Subliminal advertising? No, explain. It's sort of like where they drop something in, and it's sort of subliminal,

but it relates to the product. And you said you aren't affiliated with anything, but I want you to look at something right here. And what do you see? The Pringles guy with the mustache. And what the hell does that mustache look like? The N, yeah, my N. Yeah.

I'm going to ask you, friend to friend. Yeah. Melissa Valesignor, are you getting paid by Pringles? Yeah. You got me. This guy, the Pringles guy, who comes to my house every night gives me a check. I'll give you a what? A check of 100 bucks.

Yeah, because that mustache is the same thing that's over your... right and you got me i'm a liar it's kind of weird a little bit awkward but i'm glad we look i'm glad we got it out yeah i'm glad i'm glad you um you know i need to be held accountable and i'm glad you did that thank you you're welcome that's probably liberating sometimes when you carry around secrets Yeah. And things that make you feel guilty or you're maybe lying to your loved ones, your friends. Yeah. Sometimes it's liberating to just clear the air.

Yeah. And just admit you're wrong. Yeah. It does help. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Melissa Vela Pring, Signor, Pringlor. God, now I can't. Pringle. Vellet. Vellet. Pringle, Melissa, sour cream, and I'm insular. Wait, see now, I'm getting jumbled. I'm getting jumbled. What is, God. Hey, everybody, April is testicular cancer awareness month. Every hour, every day a man is diagnosed. That's not funny stuff. Manscape has partnered with the Testicular Cancer Society to promote awareness and early detection. That's very important for us,

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Well, can we also talk about Williams? There we go. Fair is fair. I was going to ask you if you had anything Yeah, go. Are you related to the country singer Hank Williams? Yes. Okay. Yes.

I don't like to toot my own horn, but I am on season four of White Lotus. Hank Williams was a very, very talented... That's a singer, right? He's the singer, and he did a little acting, but famous, famous, one of the early country singers, There's like huge artist, like in the country world, like Elvis level at his time. So load it up with talent.

Yeah. And then fast forward, people go, does talent get passed down the chain through the gene pool, through the DNA? Yeah. And then here you have a White Lotus four actor. Right. And you go, yeah. It does get passed.

I'm not ashamed to say Hank Williams is my great, great-grandfather. Yeah. And I'm not ashamed to say that Serena Wood's. Williams is my sister. They're talent. We have talent in sports. We have talent in tennis. Hank Williams, Jr.

was my playwright uncle. This is incredible. Yeah. So thank you for asking, letting me clear the air. Well, it was nothing you hid. I just had to ask you.

Yeah. You know, speaking of truths and lies, Yes. When we talked a week ago, you mentioned something that I thought was a great idea. You had sort of a little, I don't know if it was a game or it was a way to get to know each other better. But you said, why do we do this thing? Maybe you can explain it where we tell a few fake or real stories and you have to, you tell it. Yeah, so because originally we wanted to record on April Fool's Day.

Yeah. And I was bad about the day of canceling. Oh, don't even worry. You know, when you're on the road and you only come home for a day or two? You've got to unwind. You've got to decompress. But I had that idea of April Fool, like, just tell a story and we have to confess if it's true or false. Okay.

Wait, how does that work? I had this thing where I wrote down three stories. Oh, whoa, you prepped. I didn't. Oh, that's okay. I can go first if it gives you time to get the wheel spin. but I wrote out like it's sort of like three stories and one of them's true and you have to guess which one's true and which one's not okay so I'll go first because I'm a little bit prepped and

then in the meantime you can think all right okay I wrote it down let's see um okay three stories one I punched a goat in the face at a petting zoo once I had sex in a movie theater once What movie were you watching? Liar, liar Great And three, I went fishing in Niagara Falls once

Which one's the true story? You punched a goat in the face No No Fishing in Niagara Falls Yeah I went to Niagara Falls once with a friend We were just kicking around

And I thought you know you can stand right at the edge of the falls Yeah And I thought I'm going to take a fishing rod And just like cast into the The falls which are going over And so I just I knew I wouldn't catch anything But I just was like standing there pretend and people are just so confused.

Are you allowed to, fishing? I don't think so. I don't think you're allowed to throw anything over, but I didn't care. Right. I make my own rules. Well, I'm a rebel, and I think this is part of why Steve Whitworth,

the writer, director of White Lotus, that's probably part of why he was attracted to what I do. I'm sort of a rebel actor, Thesbian, and sometimes even a lesbian. Sometimes I'll go after girls. I love them. Yeah, I'm a Thesbian lesbian. Wow.

What fit? Did you catch any fish or no? No, I caught a shopping cart. Uh-huh. One of the, no, I got a taxidermine. It's over my fireplace. I have a shopping cart. There's even a few cucumbers in it.

I caught a, one of those scooters, you know, those scooters people ride around. And I caught a little about, he must have been about two feet high, a little Korean boy. Whoa. Yeah, and I got him taxidermy too. Yeah, he's in the front hallway like a lawn jockey. We put a light in his hand and just a cute little Kimmy Long Wow, we call him. Wonderful little Korean chap.

Yeah. Love him. Sometimes we throw peeled shrimp in his hair just around the holidays. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Special days. Now, do you have a threesome that you want to roll by me? Yes, let me see. Okay, hold on.

Okay. Okay. Oh, I'm excited. I'm going to guess it on the first one. I just know. I'm good at this. Real good. Almost too good. Okay. I once brought a bowl of cereal to a Broadway show. Okay. I once peed in the desert out in the wilderness. Okay. Man, mine suck. They really do.

They're not as fun. No, this is good. Are you kidding? Eating it a bread. I got to be a better liar. But can I, because you ask me what movie I saw. Am I allowed to ask what Broadway show? Because this will help inform me.

Phantom of the Opera. Oh, wow. And the third one is. what kind of cereal were you eating boo-berry, I would imagine. Booberry? Yeah. No, Lucky Charms. Okay.

I would have thought a horror ghost theme for the Phantom. Oh, yeah. But that's okay. Lucky Charms, too. That would have been better. Would have been thematic. Yeah. This is just me as a Thesbian.

I sort of connect. As a Thesbian-lesbian, I connect the pieces. Yeah. And was there a third story? Yes. You peed in the desert. you ate lucky charms at Phantom of the Opera and the third one

The third one was You know, I can't do this Yeah, because we know it's the Phantom No, it was in the desert Peeing in the desert Sorry, you didn't let me finish Oh I said we know it's the phantom couldn't be real

It has to be peeing in the desert is what I was going to say I think I need to come up with some good ones and really try to convince you and work on my... Yeah, do you need a minute? Because I got some stuff I can just talk about if you want to write some down.

Sure, okay. Here's a pen. Okay. Get to it. Thank you. I got to do better. But yeah, I went fishing at Niagara Falls, and I remember this was in the 80s.

And I'll never forget, I was wearing acid-washed jeans at the time, which I never knew why those were a thing and why they were called acid-wash. I guess they were washed in acid, which seems a bit extreme. I mean, you don't wash your other clothes in toxic chemicals. Honey, where's the nitrous oxide blouse? Has anyone seen my battery acid turtleneck anyway? Could somebody tell me if they've seen my chlorine shorts somewhere? I mean, why we would have acid wash clothing. I mean, the residual effect of the acid getting on your flesh, just not smart.

And then I also had, I thought I looked really cool. I was wearing cowboy boots outside of the pants. I didn't have the pants over the boots. the boots were over the pants. I think, I'll be honest, I had long hair back then, and I think I thought I was kind of styling early Bon Jovi.

I had the denim jacket with actual cowboy frills on it. And I had a... I'm so sorry, I'm missing out on these great stories. No, no, when you watch this back over and over, okay. You'll hear them all. Okay, great.

And I had a tramp scene. stamp that said slippery when wet, right at the back, just because that was their big album. And so, yeah, that was my fishing in Niagara Falls and never caught a thing. But that's interesting. You peed in the desert. Yeah. There was no gas station in sight or even a rest area. I was driving to Arizona for shows.

I couldn't hold it anymore. And then I pulled over, I was like, forget it. I'll just go, I don't care. Yeah. And I had a revelation. I felt so connected to the earth. And I was cracking up, peeing, and I realized the toilet's blocking us from that connection. Oh, and you said you had a revelation.

I thought you meant you didn't have any toilet paper, so you pulled the Bible, ripped one of the revelations out and wiped. Wow, okay, because that's, that's, that's, blasphemous, and you don't want to go to hell for peeing on a desert. I have extra napkins in my glove compartments in the car. You know, when you go to Chipotle, Starbucks, you just grab that pack. Yeah. That's what they're for, the pee or the boogers.

Oh, wow. And do you have the ketchupes too? A lot of people put the ketchup packs in their glove box. No, I bring them home, and then I put them on my fridge. Okay. Yeah. Because some people put them in the glove box, and I'm like, is there accidentally going to be fries? Like, are you driving along and, you know, a dragonfly will hit your window?

Are fries going to fly in? Yeah. Do the hills have fries? Okay, so you peed in the desert and was it like on a rock or was it near a critter? You didn't get any residual, you didn't pee on an ant nest or anything, did you? No, it was just out there in the dirt. Does the pee help the nature or no? It's a little acidic maybe.

Yeah. So you might have actually killed one of the very few flowers or plants that was growing there. Yeah. That's okay. This is your world. All right, you ready for round two? I feel like I'm no fun right now. No, you're a riot.

All right. Here we go. Round two. You want to go first? I need one more thing. Okay. I'll give you more time. I can talk up a storm because I'm going to set them up for something.

What do I got under here? There it is. Well, you're doing that. I'm going to set them up. This is one of the things I do as a top podcaster. I set up the next bit ahead of... Melissa is an incredible artist, and we're going to talk about this on the other side of this lying game.

All right. I'm writing. Okay, here we go. Go ahead. In elementary school, I got straight A's and Bs. Okay. And... I think we know that one's a lie.

Maybe not the best one to go with. I mean, look at you. Next. And the next one is, as a kid, we had a koi. pond and it was connected the water hose was connected to it and I drank from the hose and I drank algae oh wow I hope that one's not true and the next day at school I apparently I had algae behind my ear and kids were making fun of me oh my god was that in your algebra class or imagine you got algae in your algebra class wow that would be perfect and it would have been good yeah and the other one is

And 16 years old, I peed in the bounce house. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. At my cousin's birthday party and I peed in the bouncy. You peed in the bouncy house. Does that instantly make it a kid's car wash?

Yeah. Yeah. Or a tropical rainforest ride? Yeah. Because that pee's now flying all around. Well, the kid... Like microwave popcorn. Exactly.

And the kid, one of the kids unplugged the bounce house, so it was sinking down. It collapsed on you. It collapsed, and I was... And all the kids were on top of me, and I was cracking up, and then I peed. Oh, okay. So now they're trapped in a hot, sweaty rubber house, soaked in... Yeah. Soaked in urine.

Yes. And I think the last laugh was on you. Right. On them, I mean. Yeah. You showed them. Yeah. They were buggy.

They were teasing you? Is that what you said? No, no. That's a separate story. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm going to. So what do you think is true?

They're all good. But I think I'm feeling a bit of a theme here. And I'm thinking. That I'm gross? That you like to pee a lot, like all over the place. And I'm thinking maybe you made that bouncy house yellow. Is that right? Yes.

And the coin. I actually did something trick. I was a little. I also had the true story from the algae is also true. Oh, there's two truths. I know. I messed you up. I shouldn't have done that.

Or maybe you just shouldn't have told me. Right. Well, yeah, you're right on. about that, I never got A's and Bs. If you can't even play this game, I don't even think he got a D, all right? I mean, get the helmet and let's go. I mean, wow. No, you're brilliant in your own special ways.

Thank you so much, thanks. Wow, well, that, okay, so I guess it's my turn now, right? You have more. Well, you did two, so I do two. Yeah. Right. Thank you. This is my second one.

Okay. I pushed a Rottweiler down a water slide. I sold barbecued thumbtacks on the street. I duct taped my little sister to a wall. I think you duct taped your sister to a wall. I wish. Pushed a Rottweiler down a water slide? I wish.

You sold barbecue thumbtacks? For $400. What is that? What do you mean? There's this hoity-toity part of Toronto called Yorkville. Is this true? This is true. Thumb text's like to put...

Yeah, the pushpins with the big, yeah. So there's this hoity-toity street in York. It's called Yorkville. It's in Toronto, downtown Toronto. And back in the 80s, it was very trendy and, you know, new wavy. and people wore purple. It just sort of rubbed me the wrong way because it was very pretentious and a bit phony.

Even though it maybe wasn't. It was just good old folks having fun. But in my youth, as a mid-20-year-old, I determined it was pretentious and phony. So on Saturday night, the street would fill. It would just from one end to the other, and it was about a quarter mile. And all the phonies and the pretentious hip, you know,

yuppies. Back then we call it, they clogged the street. street. And I said, I want to do something to kind of be more pretentious than they are. So I went out, I set up an easel, and I put a big piece of cardboard on it, and I got a bottle of barbecue sauce and a brush, and I stuck these push-pin thumbtacks into the thing, and I wrote a sign, barbecued thumbtacks $400 each

and then I would take the thing out and I would glaze the thumb tax with the barbecue sauce like every four minutes or so and I didn't know what the reaction would be but people started clogging the sidewalk standing around me

thinking it was like some kind of art show and then some people gathered around and they go this is because of the Iran-Iraq war thing right? Is that what this is about and then some people were like some macho guy or some italian guy walked away 400 that's a little much don't you think like people were just the reactions i got were priceless yeah but it's just a way to kind of be uh you know i don't know what it was just provocative and strange that's cool wait i actually want to see one of your shirts i want to buy one an original harlan williams t-shirt oh i would just

make you one i would not let you pay for one i heard about these i was like that sounds cool. Yeah, I have a website where you can see them all. Harblink. Harblink.com. I got hundreds of them. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie, but not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at Harbleng.com. Get your

Harland original design, wearable art at harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the groovy images coming. But I will draw you on. Well, thanks. Because look at this. You paint, you draw, and you made this for me last time. And I love it.

I have it hanging up on my wall. Yeah. And it's just like it's a really great illustration. It's simple. You signed it. And it's just like colorful and fun and funny. And I love clownfish. And I started I started thinking about clownfish. And me and you and all our comedian peers and friends. Is there is there a story behind that connected to what we do as comedians? Or was that just specifically because you like fish? I think, I think I first was like, has anyone thought of this? And I googled and no one thought of it. And I was like, hell yeah, is my idea then. And then I, but I also think, um, admitting we're weird. Like, I think this clown fish doesn't want to admit that it's a clown.

But I think we all need as humans to admit that we're all silly and awkward and weird. And I think this clownfish is full on throttle. Like, hey, I accept it and I love it and I go big. Yeah, yeah. And I wish more people in life would sort of embrace their silliness a bit more. Yeah. Because I think it's good for your spirit. And I think it helps you kind of get through a world that can be very serious and overwhelming sometimes.

Yeah. You know what I, there's a bit of a metaphor here. that I picked up on with the clownfish. Well, the clownfish in the ocean amongst millions of species of fish were kind of the clownfish in real life as comedians. Yeah. And we, in a way, filter around amongst society

and we sort of, we can be toxic, abrasive, controversial, insightful. There's all these things that we can kind of push social buttons we can maneuver through sort of treacherous maybe provocative territory that regular people can't and it reminds me of the clownfish which in the ocean is the only fish that lives in a sea anemone. Yes they can change oh wait the sea an enemy is like one of those things that lives on the coral and they're covered with stingers and no other fish can swim into them. Are you serious? But the clownfish lives in them. And the clownfish has created a

protective mucus on its outer skin where it creates a symbiotic relationship with the sea an enemy. Oh, I love this. Right. I didn't know. Yeah. And so the clownfish sort of is sort of filters among all the other fish, but can go where no other fish can. Oh, and I love that. Yeah. And that's sort of like us. Thank you for telling. Yeah. Yeah. It is. Yeah. And I don't know if this is, I think this is true. Yeah. With a clownfish, if the mom dies, the dad can become the female. Yeah, that's right. They're hermaphrodite.

That's the word, yes. And it's not even if they die, the male can turn into a female at any point in its evolution. Whoa. Isn't that weird? Wow. And it's hard to turn into a female when you've got little tentacles stinging you all day long at that, you know? That's like even more of a miracle. Wow.

Yeah, so I love the piece more. Yeah, no, when I looked at it, you know, that's what I love about art. When you look at art, you can make your own interpretations. And when I looked at this and I thought about you as a great comedian and what I do and all our buddies, I thought, you know, we do sort of, we do get away with a little bit more than the average person because we're sort of. whether we're being poignant or comical or serious, we sort of swim through dangerous waters where others can't and we sort of communicate in a way that others can't. That's beautiful.

Yeah. Thank you. I love that. You saw that. Yeah. That's so cool. I was on the road and I was talking to my friend, we were talking about my comedy and I was realizing my stuff's very childlike.

And I think some crowds don't like to hear that for me. I think because sometimes I think society wants a woman to be an adult, a caretaker. And I'm never going to be that. Yeah. And I think, I don't know. I think it made sense. Like, I was like, why didn't this crowd like me? But they liked the other comic that was more like dirty and more talking about it.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever. And I'm like, oh, I don't, I'm not living like the rest of them. But see, that's cool. That's one of the gifts that you have that a lot. I'm going to tell this to you. Not that I'm a, you know, the all-knowing comedy guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But one of the philosophy. But you're one of my favorites because you stay silly. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Bless, bless. Well, one of my things that I try to do in comedy and you're doing it, which is why I like and respect you is you're making them come to you. You're not, it's like we were talking earlier about people changing their face to look like

everyone else. Yeah. So you're going out there. you're being silly, you're being Melissa, and you're saying, these people have to come to me to enjoy my show. Right, right. And if you're not doing you, then you're doing something where you're trying to appease them. And then it's not as unique.

To me, it's not like a piece of art because you're just regurgitating. And so I'm the same way. I have nights where people just don't get it or they're not, they don't want to come to me. But I'll tell you what. And tell me if this happens to you, sometimes even if I only get, you know, it's a crowd of 300, maybe I only get 25 of them. But the 25 that get it and come to me, I walk off that stage feeling better than if I got the whole room because I know that some of them came to me and they got it.

Is that so weird? No, I think that's, that also is helpful for me to hear too, because sometimes you'll see that one table. They're dying. The rest, you're like, where are you? But then you just cater and you're like, you know what? They're really feeling this. And that's really good. I think this episode, there's a lot of meaningful things that we're talking about. Well, just the fact that I got cast in White Lotus Four is just really meaningful to me. That's the most meaningful of the episode for sure. Yeah. But speaking of sea, Because everything seems to be evolving around a lot of sea critters these days.

Are you a vegetarian? Do you eat sushi and stuff? I do, but I mean, I'm not a vegetarian. Okay. Do you eat sushi? Not a lot. Okay. Because I have a question.

Maybe you can help me with it. Do you don't recognize this at all? Yeah, aren't those usually in the little trays with the sushi? Right. Okay. Where do fish live? In the ocean. Then why are they putting grass in with the fish?

Right. Fish don't graze. They're not grass-fed fish. Wow. Why are these guys, why are the Japanese, and they're the ones that make sushi, why are they mind-fucking us? We got to go, maybe you and I, we need to investigate. Maybe we go to a Japanese restaurant

and just curious, just ask him, like, where did this come from? Yeah, why are you putting an entity in with fish that they would never touch in their whole existence? Right. Not even a hermaphrodite would want anything to do with this. Right, right. So I don't know. But if you are a vegetarian and you don't want to eat meat...

You eat that. No, I found, well, you could eat that. That's some roughage right there. But I came up with a way around where you can eat meat and be a vegetarian at the same time. Okay, how? I hope this is ingenious, but you tell me, sea cucumbers. Because if you're eating cucumbers, you're a vegetarian. But if you eat a sea cucumber, they're made out of meat.

So you can technically be power slamming cucumber into your gob. Is C cucumber a fish? It's a cumber. Oh. It's a cumber on the bottom of the sea. This is true? Yeah, Cucumber. You've heard of them, right? No, Arlen.

You've never heard of a sea cucumber? No. Oh, yeah, that's for real. That's for real, G. Whoa. Player, please. Cumber be real, player. Yeah.

I mean, I think I have heard of C cucumber, but I just don't know what it looks like in my head. Well, it looks like. like, I don't want to be crude. Yeah, but yeah, I know a cucumber looks like a thingy. What do you mean a thing? Yeah, like a guy's thing. No, no.

Is that what you're going to say? Well, no, you said, you were going to say it looks like something dirty. Well, yeah, but not a guy's thing. Is a guy's thing dirty? I got one. I'm a little offended. Mine's clean and fluffy and looks like an unrolled shrimp. It's fluffy and soft like a cold.

cotton swab. I mean, God, I cleaned the ceiling fan with it last night, and now I'm feeling, God, feeling really like, I need some grass. That's really, really, I didn't mean to say that, uh, that isn't, yeah. Whoa. I feel like a manor to you right now. Whoa. That has a little, that's not good.

A little hint of fish. There's a little hint of raw fish. But a sea cucumber, I don't want to be crude. Right. It looks like a loaf, like a big, like a truck driver dropped a bomb at a Bakersfield truck stop after Cracker Barrel. Oh, poop, you mean. It looks like almost like a football poop, like a giant, almost like a Teradacto loaf. Got it.

I don't know if you've ever seen, you know, a researched dinosaur excrement, but sea cucumbers look like a like a, like a. a ballerina that was taking protein powder and then did Black Swan and then ran off stage and exploded a toilet. From Black Swan to Brown Trout. I went to this restaurant a few weeks ago. I met up with my friend and I was driving there and I texted and I said,

hey, I'm going to run into the restaurant. I've got to go to the bathroom so bad. Oh boy. And I said that kitchen mouse is going to be. be a kitchen rat after I'm through with that toilet. Whoa. Wait, what does that mean? I just blew up that toilet.

Oh, wow. Girls don't do that, though. I do. You do? You can power blast a toilet? Wow, it was the desert busy that day? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Wait, speaking of peeing everywhere. I'm sorry. I'm not... What? Whatever. No. Honestly, I have a lot of... of stories about pee, and here is why. When I was a little kid, I was a kid that peed my pants

a lot whenever I would laugh. Okay, so you've done it a lot today. Yeah, I sure have. You sure have. Yeah. I feel like I'm in a bouncy house. But I was so embarrassed as a kid because I couldn't hold it. Oh, wow. So I would leave a lot of little puddles around at birthday parties. and run from them. Oh, wow. And then I would have, I have many memories of just standing in the sun and waiting for my pants to dry up and get crunchy.

Oh, no. Yeah, so that's a big part of my life. But then, thankfully, once I realized I could do impressions and I'm going to be a comedian, then I just owned it. And I was like, I'll just, I'm a joke anyway. It's okay if I pee. You know, and I kind of, and now if someone really cracks me up and I pee, they take it as the highest compliment, you know.

Wow. So I don't mind it. Did you pee today? You don't have to tell me. No, because I use the rushing before the podcast. I always make sure, because I, especially around hilarious friends like you. Oh, my God. If you would have cracked me up, it would have, it would have gotten all your electronics.

Yeah. They would have broke. Wow, that's incredible. Yeah. Interesting. And you love to laugh too. I love laughing. You laugh a lot, which I love.

Yeah. So you must have laid down some lemonade. your day. Oh, yes. Oh, wow. They must have called you Newman's own in high school. Wow. Wow. Wait, so Newman, that's a good, that's a salad dressing. Newman's own, right? It's also a lemonade. Newman's own lemonade, Newman's own popcorn, Newman's own sat. They do everything. I bought some Newman's own crack the other day behind a Dairy Queen in Bakersfield. Where did Newman come from and where did Arnold Palmer come from? Arnold Palmer's a golfer. Okay.

And he just said one day, I'm going to make lemonade and put it with ice tea. He was out on one of the Palm Springs golf course and they named a drink after. But Newman's own, Paul Newman, the actor, decided how can I divert money to charity? Yeah. And so from what I understand, all the money from his company goes to charity except what they used to cover their costs, which is pretty amazing. which I think they should advertise more. You know, this is a good question. Okay.

It seems smart that people come up with their products. So if you had a product like that, something you love, what would it be? Oh, God. That's a really good question. Like a food product to me? Food or something like people use every day. They're like, man, I just, freaking,

it has loved my owner palmers. I couldn't say it. maybe that's yeah i think you did i heard it i heard it i think yeah i think you might have pooed just a little heresy kiss too i think i heard that's yeah harland sometimes i don't speak good yeah yeah in a case of peace yeah so tell me more about this larnold plomler i really it sounds delicious maybe that was his epileptic son There's Arnold Palmer, and there's Lago Plumler. Oh, man.

Oh, my God. You're just flowing now. I can hear it hitting the floor. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is good. I wonder, have you ever peed in the snow, like written your name in the snow? No, no, no, no. I couldn't.

You know what would be good at that since we're talking about sea critters? Because when men or women pee their name in the snow, They're peeing with urine. It's like sort of a pale yellow, maybe a rich sunshine yellow. Yeah. But you know it would be really good at peeing in the snow? Octopi. Because they got the ink.

Oh, yeah. They could really pee a nice signature. Octopi. Or octopus, if it was a woman. Right. Is that how it's determined? Whoa. An octopi.

Maybe. short for penis, octopus, meaning push short for, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yes, yes. That, oh, really, so that's how you genderfy. Well, is that like the same with cacti and cactus? What about it? Well, is that the same thing.

Like a female, a female cactus is cactos? What, how did you in school? School, what's that? Never mind. I was in middle school. Yeah. And I was really mad at my parents because I always wanted to go to the school on the left. Mm-hmm.

And sometimes I even felt like I wanted to go to the one on the right. But the fact that they forced me to go to that middle school, I'm just still angry about it. Like, let me decide what direction I want to go. Sure. I mean, they'll let kids decide if they want to be a boy or a girl now. Yeah. And I couldn't decide which school. I had to go to the middle.

school? We both. Up theirs. I hope an octopied pisses on their snowy white skinned faces. Oh, man. If I had a little product, like a Melissa product, I think it would be oatmeal. Melissa's oatmeal. Yeah. Because I love oatmeal. You do. Today, I had a bucket of it before I got here. A bucket. I mean, you know, pretty good set. Well, trying. Just eating while you're driving. Oh, I love oatmeal. You really do.

I do. You have it every day. Oh, almost. Wow, and you add berries and raisins. I put chia, flax seeds. I'm talking almond butter, some honey, some honey. Oh, wow. You go to town.

It's just the base, you know? Yeah, yeah. And then you go, you dream what you want. So, you know, I've heard that that's really healthy. You dream oatmeal dreams. If you pour it. Hey, welcome. But I've heard that it's really healthy.

And then I've seen other guys, like doctors and nutritionists go, it's the worst thing for you. What? And isn't that the dilemma of the world we live in today? Coffee's horrible for you. Coffee'll make you live 20 years longer. Alcohol's horrible. Drink three glasses of wine a week.

You'll live forever. Like, you can never win. So might as well do you. Yeah. So then that's going to be my product. Nothing. Okay. Try Harlan nothing.

Fuckhead. Right? And you just use that. Yeah. Biach. Yeah, exactly. I'm selling nothing. There was an old Monty Python.

I think it was in Life of Brian where they're walking through the old colonial marketplace. I need to rewatch that. Oh yeah, there's a funny thing and people are walking by, cheese for sale. They've got carts and cheese for sale

and nails for sale. And one guy just, nothing for sale. Nothing. Maybe that's why I got the inspiration for barbecued thumbtacks. But speaking of nothing, we got to go to our last segment now. God, this one went really fast. I don't want it to end.

Yeah, I think I got my, you edit stuff, right? No. Well, but there was a little lull in my story thing. Maybe we could edit that out. I feel like people are going to get bored by me. Did you not hear my acid wash jeans run? Yeah, I know. You were too focused.

You didn't hear it. You're going to go back and watch the acid wash gene stuff and go berserk. I don't know if I'll go back and watch. Yeah. I'm kidding. I'll watch because I will. You will? Yeah.

Well, this is our last segment. This is words from a wooden shoe. Remember, you reach in, you grab a word, see if it triggers a story from your journey in life, someone you know, something happened to you. You know what this reminds me of, though. What? This movie called Heidi with Shirley Temple.

Oh, yeah. She wears her, she goes, Do you like my new shoes? They are made out of wood. Such nice little shoes. Don't you think they look good? Wow. No, she dances at them.

Sorry. No, I've seen that movie. She played Heidi. Yeah, and she lived in a little chalet up in the mountains in the Alps. With the grandpa. And she had a, I think, she had a bunk bed with a little round window. Yeah. Exactly. And the grandpa, at first, the grandfather didn't like her. He's like, get to bed, Heidi.

Her grandpa was Hitler? Well, no, he was, yeah, he was upset. Yeah. Because she was annoying. She's like, what are we going to do today, grandfather? And then he was like, get to bed, get to bed right now. And the sun was still out. Was he Italian? Get to bed. Get to bed right now. Fuckhead.

No, I think it would be German, right? Yeah. So wouldn't it be get to the bed right now. Heidi. That's probably how he said it. Heidi get to the bed and write to now. But then they became friends. And then he fell in love with her. Wait, the uncle fell in love with Heidi? No. Oh.

The grandpa really learned love by Heidi and read books and took her and made her little shoes. Nurturing love. Like family. Oh, okay. Yes, of course. Not like that. Yeah, no, I remember seeing that as a kid. We'd watch that movie. I love Heidi. Yeah, and Shirley Temple. By the way.

What a talent. What a talent. the good ship Lollipop It's the right ship You made the All day When you name the name

And then I don't know what you're saying I don't either But that sounds about right That was pretty accurate And then The only thing that creaked me out nowadays Have you ever seen that guy

Kenny G The clarinet player guy Yeah And he's got Shirley Temple's like hair Yeah Yeah. Right. Yeah, that's cute. But she was a darling. She was like the McCauley Calkin of the early days of talking cinema.

Right. Oh, just so cute and so talented. She could sing and dance and, oh. Yeah, she was the cutest. Anyway, I didn't mean a side track. No, no. Please talk about your shoe. Okay, so the shoe, see, already it triggered a story.

I love that. Yeah. But now what you're going to do is you're going to reach him, pull out a random word, and see if it triggers another story just like that from your world. Yeah. Look at all these fun things. Yeah, that's what they're all about here. Okay.

Did I get one or two? Yeah, you got one. What do you got? Cross dressing. Oh, wow. You ever put clothes on when you're mad? Yes. Oh, no, that's not what it means.

Sorry, cross dressing. That means like dressing like a dude, right? Opposite of me? Yeah, or vice versa. if it's a, if it's a dude or a girl. Right. Have you ever done it or know someone or there's a story somewhere? Honestly, I think most of my clothes are unisex,

and I buy a lot of male t-shirts and Carhart stuff. Oh, wow. I think I'm down the middle. Oh, wow. Yeah. That could be a new term. Like we got cross-dressers, trans, straight, gay, by, down the middle. down the middle.

That's your new product. I just, I like loose-fitting stuff. Forget about Melissa's fairy drops or what was the thing you said? Oh, oatmeal? Yeah, forget about the oatmeal. Okay. Or it could be Melissa's down-the-middle oatmeal.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So that's. Why? Can I ask why that's your fashion choice? Because I like it. It's,

it's your personality. Like some women dressed to accentuate their femininity, their body. And I have some outfits for special occasions, you know? But I think comedy me on stage, it needs to be just cool and chill. Yeah. That's how I feel. My mindset for that is neutral.

Like I kind of like to be just sort of neutral where I don't want people forming any opinions about me dressing-wise or I just want them to form their opinion based on the words and the comedy. I think I'm the same way. Because I'll get distracted in my head if, let's say, I had like a woo tee shirt, you know, and let me tell you some jokes. And I think it would mess. I would get too confused in my head. Yeah, I don't know. I got to be honest. I don't know how some, sometimes you'll see, you know, women go up dressed very provocatively and scantily.

But they're comfortable in that because that's who they are. I guess, yeah. That's who they are. And I respect at it. I mean, they look great. But I go, wow, I'd be too self-aware. Me too. And I've tried before where I've tried wearing a suit or a tie.

And it just makes me, it's like I like the neutral. Yeah. I get sweaty. Yeah. Oh, wow. What's your word that you got from the boot? Oh, I never, it's just for the guess, but I can pick one if you want. Yeah, let's close it out.

Okay. You want to offer it up to me? Yes. Offer me up. This is a rarity gang. It's rare that the daddy pulls a word from the stink from the shoe. Here we go. What we got here?

Let me put my glasses on. Wouldn't shoot. We're going to come up with these great ideas. The military. Well, that's an interesting segue. There was a time when I was shooting a little short film, and I had to go to a costume store and rent like a full, like, military costume, like a soldier, like with the little things on it and very, like the pants.

And I was shooting and I was late for a show and I had to get to the show. So I ran to the show and went up in the thing, in the military outfit. Whoa. And it was really interesting the reaction I got from the crowd because they thought I was a real military guy. Yeah. And then one of my managers saw it and they're like, hey, that's the hook there. you're the military guy.

I'm like, what? There's no comics in the military. You're going to be the military guy comic. You know, back in the 90s, whenever, you know, like Tim Allen had the caveman like, you know, and all these comics had these hooks. And so my manager was like, so I ended up going up on stage like five, six, seven, or eight more times as military guy. And then I just went, no.

this isn't like imagine me doing my goofy jokes like in full like this serious like they just fought each other yeah that's funny but the marketing part of me went you know what there isn't a military guy and in the visual medium of comedy and television and it probably would have worked if I pursued it so if there's a military comedian or an aspiring comedian out there who's in the military Yeah. Maybe there's a freebie for you to get, you know, because people love a character. Like look at Larry the Cable Guy and Pee Wee Herman. So if you could be a fun.

Oh, wow. I'm trying to use the phone. I'm trying to use the phone. Okay. Is it hard for you to do? Because you're one of the few girls that does male impressions. You. Yeah.

Is that Owen Wilson? Yeah, that was Owen Wilson. Oh, can we hear, can we... You know what I had to learn recently was Millhouse from Simpsons for an audition? I didn't get it. What? Well, hey, Lisa. Could I talk to you for a second, or will that just make Nelson whale on me again?

Everything's coming up, Millhouse. That's amazing. That's not bad. Oh, that's really good. Oh, homie. Oh, stupid lumber. Whoa, that's so good. We should go on a date as the Simpsons.

Whoa. Well, that didn't sound like a yes. Because I have a boyfriend in. He could be Millhouse. He could be Ralphie. It burns like tinkle. That's so good you have a boyfriend. Does he make you laugh?

I don't want to get too deep, but I got to know that he makes you laugh. He makes me laugh. He's very chill and cool. Oh, that's the best. It's a very comforting soul. Oh, good. It's good to know that you have a boyfriend that can make you laugh.

Yeah, yeah. Well, Melissa, what a treat. Before we go, you got to go see Melissa in concert. I don't know if you have any... I love that in concert. In concert. That's cool. Doing clubs, doing theaters, doing...

And I don't know if you have any books out or movies, but go ahead and this is your moment. Promote, promote. Okay, everyone, I have a special on my YouTube called Welp What Now. I came out on New Year's. Awesome. I'm on the road right now, melissa v.signor.com for the tour. I have a coloring book that's out on my merch shop, store.melissa v.signor.com

and a lot of art prints, and that's about it. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Millhouse. Via Pringles. Pringles Melissa via Pringles Senor Thanks for having me, pal

Oh, thanks for coming. What a treat. Folks, that's it for today on the Holland Highway Podcast. Until next time, Chicken Chow Man. Check out Melissa and we'll see you next time,

you baconators. Holland Highway Podcast You say where you're going, I'm going hauling highway. You did it again. You're good. Hey everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. It's for yourself or get it for a friend.

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