The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #13 - The truth about FAST FOODS! People are getting angrier!

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

Harland exposes and solves some fast food mysteries! Why are people so unaware of other peoples space? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Yep. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's time. It's time, boys and girls, men and women, mutants, freaks, peanut allergy people.

Corn on the Cobb people. Giants. Giant people, seven feet plus. Garlic bread lovers. Everybody, gather around, gather around, and let's ride. We're going down the Harland Highway podcast right here. The only place you really need to be.

so welcome everybody what a what a show we got a lot to talk about today and let me just clear the side of my eye because we don't want a clunky crinkled up side eye if we're going to do this we we don't want anything happening with the side of that eye we want it to be el premo el prompo El Segundo. So let's start with something that is a truth. Sometimes truth in today's society is hard to come to terms with, hard to confront. And again, I'm going to, you know, that's a serious word, a serious term. So if I slip into a sultry sort of clean eastwood sort of facade when I do that, it's hard to confront.

But I'm going to talk about some truth right now. And I think it's a truth we've all confronted. It's confronted. I think it's something we've all had to do. And I finally kind of just stepped up to the max. and dealt with it because it's something maybe I've been avoiding for a long, long time as I think all of you have. I might be the only one in the world. Okay, I'm going to be very bold and say in the world who's actually done this, who's outed this truth, who's confronted it, and I'm hoping

it starts a cavalcade of followers. I hope that I'm the Pied Piper skipping down the street in my green leotards and my curly elf shoes and a feather in my cap and all you mice and rats and lemmings and sea otters and baby walruses whatever kind of creature you are i hope you waddle or crawl or slither down the street behind me because i am the pied piper of truth right now now that's right and here's what happened And it starts with three letters. KFC. I think you know it. I'm not playing any games.

This isn't a word teaser. I think we know what KFC is. If you're from other countries and you're watching, because I know I have a lot of viewers in deep, deep Russia, I know you're watching me, Glad, or Vlad, or whatever your name is. I know you're sitting on a snowbank, probably waiting for some Siberian tigers to come. And you're on your cell phone in the freezing temperatures,

watching the Harland Highway podcast right now. But that's okay. You might not know what the KFC is. But KFC, to those of you in other regions of this vast sphere we live on, it's Kentucky Fried Chicken. And this is where we come to the story about truth. And that's a big word. It's a tough word.

I want you all to take a moment here. Just I'm going to silence everything for about 10 seconds. And I want you to ask yourself the question, are you in with the truth? Are you an honest person? Are you someone who can ask yourself honest questions and be ready for honest answers? Whether they be traumatic answers,

whether they be uplifting answers, whether they be revealing, damning, yes. And that word, I also, damning answers is for, you know, what it implies. But it also, as I mentioned on the fringe, I have Russian viewers. I have people in some of the darkest jungles of Africa. I have viewers everywhere. but when I say damning, and I'm an all-inclusive person here at the Harland Highway, I want you to know, and I hope this doesn't disturb some of you viewers, I also have some beaver, beaver viewers.

And when I throw in the word damning, that's kind of a little nod and a, you know, a little beaver-tooth, buck-tooth grin to my beaver friends. Folks, hold on, let me divert from the KFC truth for a minute. Folks, beavers build lodges, okay? Birds build nests, they're out in the open. Foxes go into dirty dens, the holes they find, and they've got probably an ex-gofer hole where gophers were in there having prairie dog sex

and eating mozzarella cheese sticks and sniffing each other's, purple ass asses and uh beavers build lodges that take the word lodge that is that is a word from the architectural digest you don't go to architect school and say i think i'll design a swallow's nest or uh i think i'll uh i think i'll construct a den no no but you will find Oh, my goodness, look at this fabulous lodge nestled in the Swiss Alps. So lodge, as you can see, as it pertains to our vocabulary and as it sits in our vernacular, which is also a heart disease,

lodge is a very refined structure. And beavers have the wherewithal and the intelligence above most other creatures, hairy creatures, with rotten yellow buck teeth to build a lodge. They build a lodge. And where I'm going with this is if you have the wherewithal to build a lodge,

you're not in the lodge just to lay around on some soggy sticks, eat some bulrush fronds, and do water bubble farts. I mean, bro, if you build a lodge, you're in there. There's probably like a round, rack of elk antlers. This is a lodge. There's probably, could be a disco light, one of those

round silver disco lights. You go in a beaver lodge. It's like sparkling. It's like running around in one of Jesus's farts. I mean, there's probably a couple of mini bars. I'm guessing there's some shag carpet. Definitely some velvet paintings of some, some exotic Polynesian island girls with no tops on and red orchids in their hair. Are you kidding me? We're talking about lodges here, gang. Okay? The only mammal on the planet next to us, Homo sapien, that builds a lodge. And not only do they build a lodge, think of a human-engineered lodge, just for a minute. And we'll get back to the KFC. Hold on to your fucking termite mounds. The human lodges rest on terrestrial ground.

They are on the upper strata of the earth's surface, okay? Okay, to build a lodge, maybe a three, four-story ski lodge, a feat in itself, not for the faint of heart to construct a beautiful lodge. And for some reason, I'm turning into Captain James T. Kirk. Um, but take, take the, and I, I don't want to say this, but take the lowly beaver. That soggy, seaweed stinking, rat looking, fart bubble sniffing. I mean, these things are like giant water rats that just got their faces stuffed at the Golden Corral buffet or something, right? I mean, the giant yellow teeth, these things chew through trees.

And so they are capable of an engineering feat that even us humans, who boast to be the smartest of the pecking chain, the beaver actually builds its lodge on water with an underground, water chamber or tunnel, if you will, that comes up into the lodge. So you enter the Beaver Lodge by swimming underwater and coming up inside the party house or the lodge or whatever you want to call it the disco. I call it the dirty bucktooth rat disco. Because you know they're in there disco dancing.

I mean, you know, they're encased in a lodge, they got water. You'd know those hairy golden tooth rat freaks are in there. Get down, boogie, oogie, yugi, get down. Boogie, yugi, yugi. Right? And some of the drunk ones are over in the corner chewing on birch bark twigs and, you know, probably hammering down a, a red pine branch

you know just addicted rat greasy water rat flat pancake tailed monkey shines fucking diarrhea stained fucking margo rats

and I'm sorry beavers and I know that here's my point they're watching right now the same way the Russians are watching in the hills they are sitting in the schnobanks, the clever beaver is smart enough to be sitting in his lodge watching the Harland Highway right now. And so when I throw in a few terms

that are beaver-friendly, like damning, now you know why. I have audiences and demographics that I have to cater to, that I have to please, and gang, cut me some slack. doing the Harland Highway, everything I just said, you would have said, perbatum, per Jason Bateman, per Bateman, per Bateman, per Jason Bateman. So there you go. But let's get back to KFC, because this is where the truth happened. And, you know, we've all walked into a KFC. We've all gone in and made the order.

and you get the bucket or you get the family fun pack or you get the nuggledy nuggets or the the three-piece combo. Even though there's only one of you, you get a three-piece combo place. And you make your order and you go to your car or you go to your Mac truck if you're a trucker. I know there's a lot of truckers out there on the highway listening and watching and this is for you.

and that was an extra long one because I know it sexually arouses truck drivers. Not that I want to sexually arouse them, but they deserve sexual arousal. I wasn't, I'm not doing a thing to be the object of their sexual arousal, but I know that it's like a Pavlovian dog thing. When Pavlov's dog heard a bell, it would salivate because Pavlov rang the bell every time he gave his dog food. And so the dog, by association, when he heard the bell, whether was food there or not, would begin to salivate because of the association. And so although I am not sexual with truck drivers, never have been.

Don't care if you got an 18-wheeler or a three-quarter ton, a Peterbilt, a Mac. I don't care if you're hauling raisins from here to Bakersfield. I don't care if you're hauling onions through the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. You're not bending me over a Coca-Cola machine at the Shell station out on Route 29. Uh-uh, guy. But I do know that it gets lonely on the road, and we're going to get back to the KFC thing, I promise. I know it gets lonely out on the long highway. You're hauling.

Maybe you've got some furniture in the back of your rig. Maybe you got wheelchairs. Maybe you got fresh produce back there in the rig, and you're humming down Route 309 through the cornfields of Oklahoma. And it's nothing but highway. It's nothing but dotted lines and antelopes, pronghorn antelopes. And some of you know what those are. It's the only American antelope, by the way.

And I'm not going to go out off on a tangent on pronghorn antelopes the way I did with the beaver thing. But I will say this. Pronghorn is a very weird term. Many of you haven't heard it. If you want to look it up, pronghorn antelope, the only American antelope, has these weird little antlers or horns that kind of bend backwards. and look like bottle openers. And so truckers, and I hate to say it,

sometimes go out of their way to hit them because they can open a bud or they can open a corona right on the dead mammal hoofed mammal's head. And it's sad, but, you know, all I'm saying is truck drivers have sexual needs. like the rest of us. And if that noise, that prolonged air horn can give them a little tingle,

help them get through the drive, help them get home to their family without pulling over at a motel six or a red roof in and soliciting a prostitute, if that noise can get their sexual fantasies and they can ride on the fumes of that all the way to your local grocery store and get you your fresh produce, then shame on you, people, for not going when you see a truck driver. Now, can we please get back to KFC? First, I need a little sip of Wendy's. By the way, Wendy, or Pippi Longstocking?

or Molly Ringwald. I don't know. Who is this? This doesn't look, this looks a hell of a lot like Pipby Longstocking. Have you ever seen her? The little Swiss,

freckle-faced, red-headed, pony-bobby-tail, whatever these things are, ponytail, Swiss, creepy pale skin. I don't know.

I think Wendy's Corp, and that's short for corporation. might have commandeered, shall we say. I don't want any copyright litigation, but they may have just commandeered old pippy and hoard her out as a burger slinger. And when I say hoard her out, I mean whore, like in what the truck drivers are doing up on Route 29

to south of Fresno. You know what I mean, guys. Right, but this, they took a Swiss icon. Pippi, little pippy long stockings with their freckled face and who knows how many freckles she has on her ass. I mean, there's been rumors that astronomers at, let's just say, nudist colonies for the family, have observed various constellations on the little Swiss kid's ass,

Pippi Longstocking because it's so freckley. One of them wrote a desertion in a science journal about witnessing the big dipper colliding with Orion's belt when Pippie was doing some tricks on a trampoline and her ass cheeks smashed together at the nudist colony. So when universes collide, and again, I mustn't leave out our friend Molly Rennel. Wingwald, the iconic actress from such movies as 16 Candles,

Pretty and Pink, a night at the Wax Museum, Hannibal Lecter's Christmas Fun Pack or whatever. I don't know what movies she was in, but have we ever seen Pippie Longstocking, Molly Ringwald and Wendy in the same room. I say we haven't. I think Wendy the hamburger slut, Molly Ringwald, and Pippi Longstocking

are the same damn person. Prove me wrong. Huh? Prove me wrong. Go to Switzerland. Look for. a girl eating a square cheeseburger, and she's being chased by autograph hounds. You won't see it, because that's pippy, that's ringwalled, and that's Wendy rolled into one.

And I'm going to get back to the KFC story. Don't push me around. Don't send me your stink guy. Hey, dude, we signed up for the KFC story, and so far, It's been all about beavers and truck drivers and antelopes and, you know, hoars in small towns at the Red Roof Inn covered with Mrs. Butterworth syrup and thumbtacks? Wait, did I tell that story?

No, but let's go back to KFC. We've all walked into KFC, and we walk up and we place our order, We look at the stupid thing, like we're looking up at the moon. Oh, you ever see those people that just take way too long? Like they've never been into McDonald's before. They've never been in a Burger King. They've never been in a KFCA.

They've never been at a movie theater snack stuff where they, you know, they have these big, shiny, bright lights with not only the names of their products, but big seductive pictures, photographs, a big, Big Mac, four feet high, a bucket of golden popcorn, seven feet high, a dripping wet, sexually aroused glass of Coca-Cola, just moisture dripping down like it just watched three porno movies and sucked a fucking rhubarb out of the back of fucking Paris Hilton's fucking motorhome. You know what I mean? Holy shit.

but you get these people that looked like they just walked out of an electroshock therapy session maybe a lumberjack came up and smacked them in the temple with a canoe paddle hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me and Adam and Eve is offering 50% of

off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Maybe they just like licked their finger and shoved it into a blender and got electrocuted. Maybe they were just doing laps in the heavy water outside of the three mile island nuclear plant. Just, you know, doing backstrokes through the heavy water, you know, the heavy water that the manatees enjoy.

You know what I mean, you manatee lovers. You know about the heavy water. The manatees, yeah. They sneak into the, you know, nuclear power plants, ladies and gentlemen, discharge something called heavy water. They eject warm, gooey, heavy water into the oceans. And it attracts something else that's heavy. It's almost fitting manatees, the fat sea cows of the sea,

they are attracted to this warm water as are other marine animals and critters. And they swim around in this water that's ejected from nuclear power plants. And this is a fairly new phenomenon, but that's going to come around and bite us eventually. Eventually, we are going to pay the piper on that one when we have, you know, woolly-tussed manatees roaming the earth, nuclear-infused alligator garfish, crocodiles, playing the bagpipes. Who knows what nuclear waste creates? What is with people?

And now I'm Jerry Seinfeld. What is with people standing in restaurants and at the movie theater looking up at the menu? Don't they already know what's on the menu? Haven't they be coming to McDonald's their whole life since they were little kids? And by the way, how many items does McDonald's have? They only have like six hamburgers. How do you not know what you want when you're standing? Right?

But that's my point. How do you not know what you want? Why do people stand there and does a, uh, let's, uh, what, is that a, what's a big Mac? Is that like, uh, quarter pounder with cheese? How much does that weigh exactly? Uh, sir, it's a quarter pound. Okay, but doesn't the cheese throw it off a little? Like, isn't it like a quarter pound with cheese, sir, quarter pounder with cheese?

Okay. Okay, so my point is. Enough with you stunned menu zombies. You can't use up any more of us good people, us articulate people that understand a wall menu. Know what's on it. Rarely ever need it, really. Most of us who have been doing the fast food, a movie theater tour our whole lives, can pretty much just walk in and go, yeah, could have a medium popcorn and a small Coke and how about some licorice?

Thanks. Did you see how fast that was? Versus the wall menu zombie who looks like it's their first time out of the institution or the house. So let me, if I get a popcorn and a drink, that's not a popcorn and a drink. It turns into a combo? That doesn't sound like a food. So anyways, you're standing there at KFC and you see the thing or you already know it by memory what you want and you order your food.

You order your deep fried chicken with how many herbs and spices? That's right. That's right. 11 11 herbs and spices do we even know there are that many herbs and spices do most of us lay people who don't know how to cook who don't know anything about ingredients we just ingest

just uh just uh you know carte blanche will someone put something we don't know spices and herbs and kFC has 11 Is there any other food? I've never been to McDonald. Enjoy the new Big Mac with nine herbs and spices. Fuck me. I don't think there's one herb and one spice in a Big Mac,

a Whopper, a Wendy's Square Burger, a Chick-fil-A? Uh-uh, man. Uh-uh. So if you want herbs and spices, in your diet. You get your ass to KFC, boy. Oh, you get your ass to KFC, boy.

I'm going to come down there my police cruiser and throw you in the back. I'm going to hit you around the head with some freshly picked celery. Mm-hmm, that's right. The crispy kind that stings. Oh, I'm going to crack you right across the side of your face with some freshly picked celery now, child. Oh, it's going to crack real hard.

Real hard, real nice. Gonna snap on the side of your face now, child. So anyways, we are back in KFC. Boy, am I getting distracted today. And I blame you. I blame you the viewer because look at you. Look at your eyes. Oh, God, look at your seductive eyes.

I look into your eyes and can you blame me for not concentrating, for not focusing? Look at your freaking gorgeous eyes. Wow. You guys just take me into dream world, man. It's amazing I can complete a sentence. Your dreamy, drifty, billowy clouds, stars shooting across the galaxy eyes? I might as well go out and fucking stuff my face in an ant nest and barf up some, I don't know,

Marshallows? What are people barfing up these days? I don't know. So anyways, for fuck, we are, we are standing in front of, thank you, we are, thank you, we are standing in front of, we're inside. We're inside. We're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're standing. We're, we're, we're. Thank you. I know hilarious. We are inside of KFC and I know hilarious. Thank you. Guys, enough. We're standing in front of KFC and honesty.

And you heard it from Billy Joel. It's such a dangerous word. Honesty. is such a dangerous word. Is that how it went? Who cares about Billy Joel? I'm trying to tell a kid. Billy Joel, a guy with the roundest eyes you've ever seen,

they look like ball bearings with corneas in them. Like if Billy Joel ever got drunk and he's one of those buddies or he was in a housefire and you thought you had to lift him and help him or carry him home because he was too drunk to walk, No. Here's a guy you lay down on his stomach. You grab his ankles. You lift him up. You hold him by his ankles. His face is now on the pavement. And his giant ping pong sized eyeballs are actually sitting. They're so big. They're sitting on the pavement. And you literally roll this fucking Emmy winning pop star home. You roll Billy Joel wherever you want Like a fridge on wheels This guy's eyes, they're huge

He's like Garfield the cat With a 1970s perm You just roll Roll me around on the piano man My eyes are bugging all night Yes I look like a dragonfly That's just seen a ghost Because my eyes are blowing

out of sight la la la la la la la la la la la get me some vizine and an eye dropper oh roll me on my eyes i'm a fuck oh anyway kfc kfc here we go thank you thank you here, folks. What's happening is I am demonstrating that the truth is hard to get to. I started this confrontation with the truth. Probably if I look at my imaginary watch that isn't even there from Apple, I think we're maybe 17 minutes in. And I'm guessing, oh my God, I just

looked at my time. We're 33 minutes in. We're 33 minutes into the KFC truth story, and I haven't even breached most of it. And breaching is something a wailed... No, I'm not going to go there. Wow. Okay. So I guess what I'm saying, and I just said, is the truth can be hard to get to. And we're certainly having a run at it right now.

But KFC, you go in, you order your food, and this is what I did the other day. I finally confronted the truth, okay? I walked in, I didn't even look at the wall menu, I know what I wanted. I walked up to the kids working behind the counter. He had the red and white striped KFC uniform on. Sort of looked like a prisoner from a gay prison. or something. It was like pink and red and stripes

and looked like he should be out, you know, on a chain gang, maybe picking tulips or something. But I walk up to this kid, you know, he's got the silver braces and zits all over his face and the little KFC hat. He's got a lisp, of course.

He's like, can I help you, sir? I said, what? Can I help you, sir? And I go, bro, what the fuck he was saying? And I think I turned into Christopher Walken even. I got so outraged. This kid, he had the brace.

Not only did he have the train track braces, I mean, these things were so thick. When he smiled, I think I saw Thomas go by. You know that British, that blue British, a pretty sure pedophile train? He goes by, he's like, hello, how are you today? Beep, beep, I'm off to drive into the tunnel. But anyways, this kid had not only the train tracks, but a list.

He's like, how long can I help you, sir? And I said, look, elephant, man, can we speak English here? I'm here for something. And I think you know what? He goes, what would you like today, sir? I'm like, what? What would you like to do, see? And I think he said, what would you like today, sir?

I mean, this guy sounded like someone had just held a fucking Portuguese dolphin underwater and uh you know polar bear did a fart bubble in its face i mean man does i help you see yes you can help me and you know what i'm here for is what i said to him he goes what's right sir and if you know what i'm here for you sit-faced whore and i know that's not nice but when i get direct when i know what i want i get very direct with people. You go, excuse me, sir? I said, you know what I want, bro, Saffyosh.

Now, why don't you jump on your little fucking magic deep fried toboggan and start sliding over to that deep fry and get daddy what he wants? Would you like a family pack, sir? No, I don't want a family pack. You know what I want. What would you want, sir? And then I just, here's where the truth came out.

I was just, here's where the, finally, the honesty of KFC came out. No one's ever said this on planet. Are you ready? You might want to write this down. I said, just give me some fucking skin. Excuse me, sir? You know what I want. Give me the fucking skin.

I want the KFC skin. But we, we don't, we don't just sell the skin, sir. I said, dude, let me get honest with you. Okay, you zip-faced, multi-grained fucking granola bar popping whore. Let me get, let me shove some honesty down your throat like a Belgian shoving patte down a goose's neck. You zip bubbling, volcanic erupting, sulfur bubbling pond in the middle of fucking sea. Aiden's asshole. Let me serve you up a big fucking plate of Cracker Barrel Truth.

Here it is. Yes, sir? Nobody's eating your fucking chicken. Excuse me? We're only eating the skin, dip shit. What's in the name of Sweet Christmas? I said, do you think we're eating your chicken? It's the skin.

You put 11 herbs and spices in the skin, that golden, greasy, outer skin that we eat. You give us a piece of chicken. We eat the skin. When the skin's gone, do you think the rest of the chicken gets a consideration? This poor bird mammal that was grown from an egg, it probably lived in squalid, conditions and a chicken farm compressed against all its brethren, just like almost like, like some kind of a horrible Turkish prison. It had to endure years, if not decades in there, only to be rejected.

It's tender white succulent meat, maybe a few bites out of it, but those were only the result of your hungry teeth stripping the skin. from that golden 7-Eleven herbs and spices chicken breast. And this kid was just looking at me. You know, I think there was some fucking lasagna dripping out of his fucking braces. He's like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, dude, nobody's eating the chicken. This is what happens.

Okay, we get home, we get to our car. We get under an apple tree. We pull out that golden chicken, that KFC, and we just, we strip the skin off of that stuff, like a hyena ripping the stripes off a zebra. We just, we're just, we get, you give us a three-pack combo when the skin's gone, when that chicken's balder than Meryl Streep's left ass cheek.

we're either throwing it over our shoulder, throwing it to a raccoon, feeding it to the trash compactor, and we're on to the next golden piece of skin covered. I mean, no one's eating this much skin since Hannibal Lecter went to, you know, fucking mama Cass Elliott's funeral. I mean, we are just, we are skin suckers, man. know if that's a new character in Game of Thrones, the skin suckers.

But every one of you watching, all of you, guilty, Your Honor, guilty of just stripping the skin, chewing it, chewing it like a soggy, dirty handkerchief floating around in the bottom of Rebel Wilson's wanton soup. Just chewing the skin the way our ancestors did. ancestors, I mean, the ones we evolved from, the thunder lizards, the dilapodons, the alliosaurus. Oh, yes, the dinosaurs. You know they were skin strippers. You'd know T-Rex would knock down a 70-foot bronosaurus, strip the skin off it, and leave its flesh underneath just to boil in the sun. All it wanted was that tender, herb-infused, spice-injecture.

Bronto skin. And we're no different. We haven't evolved that far, ladies and gentlemen. And so here's the truth. You zip-covered pimple-puss. Fucking dartboard-looking creep. We aren't eating the chicken. Any chicken we get in our mouth is by accident.

We are skin-eaten mongrel. So let's cut to the chase. Let's get to the truth, Pimple Mountain, and just give me a bucket of skin, KFC skin. That's all I want. I'm going to go home and eat it. I'm going to go home and rub around on it. I might make a bed sheet out of it and sleep with it and pull it up.

And in the morning, eat my way out of it, like a, like a, like a snake emerging from its skin. And that's the truth. And this poor kid, I mean, this poor whore, this KFC whore that worked behind the counters, his pimple started bubbling. They started actually, you ever, you ever see one of those, those,

I don't know what they are, those salt for hot springs or the bubbles were coming up from somewhere under the earth's crust. And this kid got so discombobulated and so confused. It's like his face was like, if you started playing like Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, it probably would have been synchronized to this kid's bubbling zants. Us, us, us, us, and them, them.

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon. Whoa, uh, uh, uh, blah, blum blum blum. Yeah,

yeah, I know. What you just saw there was a little glimpse into a Saturday night at a Perry Sound Beaver Lodge. Perry Sound, a small northern town in northern Ontario, Canada. And for those of you who love beavers and love hockey, Perry Sound, the birthplace of number four from the Boston Bruins, the late, great, legendary Bobby Orr. Oh, yes, Bobby, you are. How he worked his way into this podcast, I don't know. But this is the promise we give you here on the Harland Highway.

We told you there are many exit ramps on the highway, and we are not afraid to go down any of them. So there's the truth about KFC, and that's how I approach KFC now. I just go in and get the scan. It's all I want. It's all I need. And that's it. There's your story about truth right there.

And can I move on to another truth? That was a pleasant story. The next story is not so pleasant and I'm angry. You don't want to get Mr. McGee, you don't want to get me angry. Oh, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry, Mr. McGee. The Incredible Hulk continues. A little nostalgia for you TV buffs. It was an old show back in the 70s called The Incredible Hulk

with actor Bill Bixby playing Dr. David Bruce Banner and he would turn into the Incredible Hulk as played by Muscle Man Lou Farigno. And for those of you that don't believe what I just did was real, or want to cross-reference what I did or just want to see the real thing as opposed to an imposter doing it, I urge you to go on YouTube,

click in the introduction to the Incredible Hulk TV show from the 70s, and you will hear a line by Bill Bixby. By the way, Bill Bixby from the courtship of Eddie's father fame. That's a whole other Google search. but you will hear Bill Bixby say, let me clear my throat so I get it right. And remember, this is the guy, this is the meek-mild David Bruce Banner

who turns into the giant, you know, wall-smashing Hulk. He goes, he goes, Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. and then he turns green and his eyes go white and he looks like Shrek blew a booger into the back of the jolly green giants underpants. What is going, come on, what is going on today?

But let's roll the teaser for the pissed off segment of the show. that and we'll get into one of my pissed off rants because I am not happy. Go. You're starting to piss me off, you little pig with some bitch. You pissed me off. These fucking assholes, these fucking assholes, these fucking assholes. The fuck is their problem, man. All right, here we go. My blood's a little hot right now.

I'm not Latin. I'm not angry. I'm not, well, I am angry and I think I am Latin. But anyways, this is something that happened to me quite recently, and it was unnecessary,

but it happened. I was forced into a scenario where I had to tap into this energy or this moment or whatever it is and it was not pleasant, it was not fun, it was aggravating, and let me tell you what it was. But let me preface it a little bit with a little observation. And the observation is this, I think as a society, as people, as a giant gathering of humans who commute and commune together.

A friend of mine made this comment the other day. She said, I think as humans, as a society, we're all getting a little angrier. And I thought about that, and that's what kind of led to this story because I told her about it. And I realized I had had the same thoughts similarly. just a few days before, before our discussion happened.

And I don't know why it's become this way. I think part of it has to do with COVID and all the things that went down around it. I think it has to do with politics and how divided people are these days. I think it has to do with how social media has made humans more belligerent, especially in America.

It's made them more, I don't know, entitled and kind of rude? And there's a whole bunch of elements going on. I don't have the exact answer, but I know that we're all immersed in it. And we're all part of this social phenomenon of people kind of getting angrier and being more insensitive to other people and being impatient and getting rude. And I hope you try your best not to be in that mindset. And I know I try my best to be very considered of other people and kind and courteous and aware. That's a key word, aware of other people and their space. And here's what happened. I was flying somewhere recently and I had to get a second flight. It was one of those flights where I had to stop halfway and

you know, deboard the plane and do it all over again and find a new gate and line. And line. up with a whole bunch more people and, oh, it's just, it's beyond aggravating. But I get to my new gate. I'm at a new airport and, you know, I'm waiting and I look around and at the gate you've got your standard kind of benches where everyone sit these long, sort of semi-uncomfortable benches where people sit right beside each other. And then they also have a person right behind you. So sometimes if they don't know you're there, they forget you're there, they lean back, Oh, conk. Oh, sorry, man. I was just yawning. You know? But I approached this gate and I had about, I don't know, half an hour, maybe 40 minutes before my flight boarded. And I look around and I see all these people compressed together and, you know, you kind of wherever you go, you want to carve out your own little private space. And on the other side of the hallway, as people were wandering through the terminal was this little area that they had carved out for,

you know, for whatever, but they had, for some reason, they had like nine or ten really plush leather like chairs, you know, like the kind you'd see in your grandfather's house in front of the fireplace or something like that. And for some reason they were just lined up down the wall and there was like nine or ten of them and they were accessible for everybody. And I thought, oh, man, I'll sit there. There's my gate. I'm not around everybody. I can look into my phone, play solitaire.

And so I plop down, and I'm playing solitaire with the sound off, being very mindful and respectful of everyone around me, and looking down the aisle of these nice plushed leather chairs, which were spaced apart, maybe, I don't know, that much, a foot and a half. There was two near the end that were being used, but the rest of the whole aisle, the whole aisle was empty. All the seats vacant. So I'm sitting there for about five minutes,

and as I'm playing in the back of my head, I'm like, oh, this is comfy. This is nice. I got myself a nice old leather chair, and there's my gate, and I can see everything, and I'll be ready to board, in just a minute, and I'm relaxed in my big leather. The only thing missing is an old man to sit on. You know, call them Grandaddy. Granddaddy, tell me a story.

Well, first of all, why are you doing the old man's voice? You're a boy. I don't know. I'm not well. How about this story? Yes? Fuck off. Get the fuck off my legs.

You're making them numb. Yes, Granddaddy. And stop talking like an old man, you little crows. Creep. Yes, Daddy. Daddy, I'm granddaddy. Sorry. Just all went to hell.

So anyways, I'm sitting in this chair. And what the hell is that? A little piece of spittle. Ew. I'm sitting in this chair. Everything's fine. And all of a sudden, like, I see a couple approaching. It's a man and a woman.

And the woman's sort of large. which has nothing to do with it, just kind of just describing the people, sort of a large, chubbier person. And the guy is of, you know, regular build, but they're dressed a little bit eccentric, which is fine, it's America, dress how you want. But as they approached, I looked down,

and the guy who was probably, I'd say, late 20s, early 30s, and the woman as well, I look down in the guys wearing slippers, okay? But not nice slippers, not fashionable slippers, not, you know, trendy, presentable slippers. These are the type of slippers that when you're at home alone and you're walking around in the garden and you're down in the basement doing laundry

and you're out washing your car, like the kind of shitty, dirty, well-worn, like these are your slippers. You've had them for like eight years in your closet and they, you know, they're just, they're just beat up. But you know no one will ever see them because you only wear them at night. You only wear them when no one's around. They're your rest and relaxation slippers, your R&R slippers, rice errone. And so I looked down and this guy's wearing these.

And right away, I was like, you know, I don't want to be judgmental. I like people being creative and expressing themselves, but I've got to be honest, gang. When I looked down, it's just like, well, really, dude, like out in public, getting on an airplane, the slippers were just so gnarly and beat up, and they look like the type of thing. I hate to say it, but if you're walking down the street past like a homeless tent or something, I feel like you'd see one laying upside down with an old bag of Frito's corn chips on it, and the other one being pecked at by a robin looking for worms. I mean, they were just not in tip-top shape, you know. And, you know, you're on an airplane. You know you're going to be in close quarters with other human beings.

You know, you're in a tight place. You're in a congested space. And nowadays, you know, traveling and being on airplanes, everyone's riding a little bit hot, right? There's tension in the air, and everyone's kind of disgruntled and kind of, the last thing they need is more stimuli to kind of push their buttons. And so here comes this guy, this dude,

and he comes shuffling up, because remember, they're these slippers with the front only. Men wear them. It's the front only. They go over the arch of your, the front of your feet, and then the back's open. So it's like you slip into them, and then there's a cone over your toes and your arm,

and then the back's completely open. You're walking on a little flat, you know, whatever it is. So you don't get a good walk out of them. You're not making a clean stepping motion, you know, with that kind of slipper. You're kind of like slipping along, hence the word slippers. You're like, it almost felt like one of the ghosts from a Christmas carol was making its way to flight 739 to Miami. me. You know what I mean? It's like,

Do you believe in me, or do you not, Ebenezer Scrooge? Do you have a window seat or an aisle seat? Ebenezer Scrooge? And I'm like, I'm like, oh God. And I'll be honest, do I have a right to be annoyed? Do I have a right to judge? Probably not, but if I'm being honest, the way I was at KFC, I was fucking annoyed. and I was I was sort of judgy I was like really dude like you're out in public you're traveling

you know it just it was just kind of gnarly you know what I mean it it's it sort of felt like if I saw a guy wearing a shirt a white t-shirt and it had a gravy stain here and ketchup here and a you know a piece of tomato stuck to his thing and some relish over here like literally the guy smelled like a subway franchise or something? Like, isn't there a certain responsibility to have some kind of etiquette towards your fellow humans? I don't know. This is why this is the pissed off segment.

So sure enough, this guy starts shuffling towards me. And of course, starts to head towards these nice cushy seat. Good for him. If he wants one, he deserves one. They're there for everybody, right? Now, as I said earlier, 80% of these seats were empty, okay? Empty, vacant, just like most red roofs in as you go across the country. They're vacant because no one wants to lay in a bed with crust, onion rings, centipedes,

and bandades from the land. Legs of crackhors. So anyways, guess where Johnny McSlippers decides to plop his fucking ass down? Guess where the ghost of Zigmund Freud decides to sit down? Right beside me. Had the whole row to separate himself, to have his own personal space. Okay? It was that moment you're at a movie theater and there's 20 people in the theater and one of them comes and sits right in front of you when 90% of the seats are empty. You know that sensation? Great. So now this dude plops right down beside me and now I'm annoyed some more. Now I'm like, okay, he has every right to sit there. But, you know, he could be a mute for all I know. It's not about any. other than, dude, you had an opportunity to have your own area. You could have farted,

you could have sneezed, you could have scratched your balls, you could have fallen asleep and snored, but you really got to be right beside me. And we're in a COVID environment where don't you want that separation? Now we're sharing the same air. What if one of us has it? But again, going back to people not thinking, people not being aware, or maybe people not even caring, and some people maybe being belligerent enough to do it on purpose. To just be like, oh, fuck you, man, I'm doing everyone. Like, sometimes I wonder if they're already pre-programming it

before they even make their move. They're just so entitled and so in their own dimension. that nobody else matters, right? So here we go. This guy sits down, so I'm a little bit annoyed, but I'm like, okay, I can handle it. And what happens? Within three seconds of sitting down,

boom, this comes up, okay? Old Gregory Heinz soft shoe McSlippers himself is sitting there and pulls out the old hello box. Okay? And guess what he does? Our little friend who decided to sit right beside me did this. He sat right on the Instagram, right on the, just sitting there, one video to the next. There we go, just, all right, I got to watch this one.

This is Shakira. I mean, come up. But anyway, just, you know, do you hear this? rapists i was nice and quiet in the airport listening listening to the announcements you know listening to those those whimsical those whimsical and you know those wonderful we got a flight change we could do to weather conditions or gate five is now down at 2205 and los angeles to sacramano we'll be going down to gate 25 you know that's all you want to here, or this one, ladies and gentlemen, please watch your bags.

If a bag around you is unknown to you, we will come and arrest you and shoot you outside in the taxi parking area. If you happen to leave your bag or find out, please call the authorities so that we can press the nuclear button and destroy planet Earth. But now, now I got this, right beside me. Johnny, we live in the only country in a world where it takes more brains to figure out your income tax than it does to earn the income.

That's appropriate. Right? So now I got this guy invading my space, no fucking concern for anyone around him, not just me, but anyone else around him, because there were other people in the area. There was no one sitting beside them on the other side. And so I'm not the type of guy that just sits there and lets that kind of stuff roll.

So I was about to turn to him and go, dude, really? Like, I'm right beside you. I'm nine inches away from you. Okay? I'm the distance of a well-endowed man's erection away from you. Okay, bro. Is there a way you can not do that or put some, Earpods in or moved down to one of the many empty seats 12 feet away.

That's what I was geared up to say. And then this is where I got a little bit disturbed because I thought to myself, am I playing into this social anger that exists? Am I playing into the narrative of disrespecting other people? Am I getting consumed by this? this wave of not respecting other people's spaces? Am I becoming part of the problem?

And I just thought, you know what? I'm going to fight fire with fire. I'm going to give this guy a taste of his own medicine. So here's what I did. Yeah, this is what I did. As I told you, I was already playing solitaire. And so what I did is I undid the sound and I put my volume up full blast.

And this is what he was dealing with, okay? I started, I bring up a new game. I got the thing clicking. I got the cards flapping. You know, it sounds like a hummingbird flew into a, into, you know, Barry Manilow's bedroom window, right? And I'm, you know, I'm doing this. I'm moving the cards around, and I'm flapping,

and I'm doing this, and I'm, you know, I'm, you know, I'm just really loud, full volume. And I knew the guy could hear it. I'm just like doing, you know, everything, you know, and you get it. You get it. And it felt really good. It felt really good, but it also felt horrible. It felt really good that I, instead of just turning and reasoning with this guy,

I'm thinking, why am I reasoning with a guy that's so deaf, dumb, and blind to the environment we're in, what point is there to even try to negotiate or instill any type of knowledge into this person? They clearly don't care. They don't get it. Why am I going to waste my energy and now be in a confrontational situation

with someone that doesn't give a flying or is too dumb to perceive what's around him? So I just say, you know what, why don't you just do exactly what he's doing mirror it? So here I'm making all this noise, and I did it for about five minutes, and I'm thinking, I wonder if he'll say anything. I wonder if he'll look up,

I wonder if he'll say, and he didn't. And that disturbed me even more, because I didn't want to be this guy. I didn't want to be Johnny Asa Spades. I didn't want to be the Queen of Hearts McGinty. I didn't want to be the Three of Diamonds O'Reilly guy. I just wanted my peace and quiet, but this guy didn't even look,

up. He just kept looking at his YouTube videos and his Instagrams. And then another part of me felt really, really good for doing it. You know, for just saying, you know what? Fuck you. You want to be a douche? I'll be a douche right back at you. This is what it sounds like. And I was hoping maybe, I didn't want to do it just to be a douche. I was hoping maybe it would make him become aware and go, oh, oh, well, Wait a minute. Oh, maybe turn it down or, you know what?

There's an empty seat down that, you know, I thought maybe take his own initiative maybe to take a clue. Take a hint there, Nancy Drew. Take a solve the mystery there, Hardy Boy. Okay. Follow up on some leads there, Inspector Cluso. Solve the caper there, Sherlock. but nope just keep blind and just ignorant to the whole thing so what did I do I do I finally got up I'm like checkmate

you win I don't want to deal with I got up and I walked down the hall and I sat beside an old man with a cane a lovely old man with a cane and his elderly wife and their grandchildren and their wife, and you could tell it was their son and daughter. And I sat down with them. They were nice and quiet and friendly, and I just put on YouTube and watched fucking African, fucking animal videos where lions were ripping the shit out. No, no, I didn't.

No, I didn't. I did not go there. I did not go there, girlfriend. I did not go there, girlfriend. But where I did go is here to the end of the podcast. Oh, my God. It's just been one crazy rant after another. I'm out of breath.

I'm out of time. I got to get to an airport and annoy somebody. But I want to remind you, don't forget if you're loving the podcast, please invite your friends, tell your friends. Make sure you go on down below on the YouTube page, leave a comment, ask a question, make a remark, whatever you want to do. Love to see your comments.

Also, click the little bell here right beside the subscribe button so that whenever something new comes up from yours truly, you get notified. And most important of all, please subscribe to the Harlan Highway. There's a little button. I think it's on this side or that side or maybe it's in my forehead. But please subscribe. Encourage your friends to subscribe. We want to grow the podcast so we can do more great things with the podcast. And I would be very appreciative and thankful for that endeavor. And also don't forget if you want more bonus material from the Harland Highway,

please join my Patreon page. Patreon is a digital platform where I put exclusive material that is bonus material for this podcast. And also on many occasions I post this podcast three or four days before the rest of you get it on YouTube. So if you're one of those people who like an early look at stuff, get to my Patreon page, sign up. If you don't like it, you can jump off. Guess how much it is a month? $5. So you could go on for a month for $5. I don't like it.

And for less than a Burger King Whopper with fries and a massage, you can get off. But I think you like it. I hope you stay there. And what else can I tell you? Don't forget to check out Cameo. Camio.com. If you want a personal video from me to you or someone you know or love, you can go to Cameo and then tell me what you want

and I can improvise and leave a very personal message for you or a friend. Trust me, I've actually done it with other actors and I wouldn't be endorsing it unless I loved it. I had a favorite actor, one of the actors from the show Lost, and I saw him on there and I got him to do a Christmas video for my cousin because this is an actor that was in a cult horror movie, that we loved when we were younger called the stepfather. And this guy went on and actually did some lines from the stepfather.

We were over the moon. And I was sort of resisting getting on cameo. And when I saw how much fun and how much joy that brought us, I decided to jump on cameo. And so now I leave voice messages for people and lines from my movies and things like that. so hopefully you guys will dig it and yeah cool cool cool what else i think that's it for today hope you had a fun time please come back and uh we'll do some more of this real soon got some interesting guests coming up on the podcast i think you'll enjoy so uh thank y'all and

until next time this is me Harlan Williams, the Harlan Highway podcast saying chicken chalmayne, baby.