The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #18 - JEFF RICHARDS FROM SNL

Episode Date: August 2, 2022

The Drunk Girl himself is here, funny man JEFF RICHARDS from SNL drops in for some insane conversations and laughs! Are you cereal? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Hey, everybody, here we go. Wait, don't want to start with these on my face. It's Harlan Williams, and you're on the Harlan Highway. Stop the music, stop the noise. Have a special guest today.

That's G-U-E-S-T. Are you here, buddy? Are you ready to do this? You don't even seem like you're ready to do this. You're just flying off the walls. I know, should I start again? Why don't you bring a three-liter filling of Coke in here? Is that enough for you?

You freak? Freak zone. You're the first to use those headphones. I'm the last to use them, too. I was going under. No, I just, you know, I got a little discombobulated because I started with my glasses on and I didn't want to. Yeah.

And then, you know, I just, I'm just, you know, flying all over the place. Yeah. Now introduce yourself to the nice people. Jesus. Did you take, like, thyroid medication before this? You're like bouncing. What do you mean? What is a thyroid?

Thyroid. I don't know what it is, but you can't eat spinach if you have one. It's not good. You can't eat spinach. What are you talking? If you have a thyroid. Freak show. What?

What are you talking? Talking about your wife. She's got, she's got, she's got. shingles. Just regular shingles like they're going to house. I told her to stay away from Home Depot. Introduce yourself to the good folks. What are these angles, by the way?

Can't you set up these microphones so they don't block your all head? What do you mean? It's like low. Low, but it cuts right to your whole head. I'm just. What do you mean? My head's up here. Fucking freak show.

What are you talking about? Oh, there's nothing going through my head. There's nothing going on in your head either. Tell me more about your wife. Freak show. Dude, relax. Yeah, I'm trying to. The Harlan Highway.

Leaving on the side of the road. All right. Introduce yourself. Jesus. it doesn't matter who i have it just doesn't matter at this point my name is jeff richards oh god it took you so long to just get it out well i had to find out i've had to find a moment when you weren't laughing i mean you're just like you're like a petri dish you got microscopic things going on right now freak show well you're making me laugh dude thanks

God, Jeff Richards, Saturday Night Live, also has his own incredible web show. Web-based. Web-based show. And it's, what's the actual name of it of your show? It's called the Jeff Richard Show. Jeff Richard Show, but it's this process you do through technology called Deepfakes. Yeah. And what Jeff does, he's a master impressionist.

And if I ask him kindly, I might be able to get him to do some of, impressions later in the podcast, but he not only does immaculate voices of famous people, but you do this process called deepfake and where they put the technology on your wife's face. On your face. Oh, dare you. Yeah, it's a show. I do an impression and then I interview someone and then put a deep fake on it. You've done it twice. Yeah. I've done it a few times and people actually like email me or call me and say, hey, what was that weird interview you did with David Letterman? And I go, what are you talking about? And they go, I saw you. You guys were going back and forth.

And you were calling. And I go, oh, that was Jeff. He does this thing where he does the voice so real. You would hope at some point, and I don't know, I don't know when. It's nice to be here. It's good to have you. Could you have a more puzzled look on your face? That's, see, that's what, that's Letterman's voice. And then you put Letterman's face on there with the computer. And it's, it's, it's, people think it's really him. Yeah. People think you're really you.

I say, hey, I say what now? That's right. Mm-hmm. Now that's right. You're just like, this can't go on forever. Yes, it can. Okay. But speaking of technology,

let's talk about technology. TikTok and YouTube and all this crap and Instagram because I have a theory that, you know, you watch the reels, right? The little reels where it's clips and you sit there kind of get addicted, right? You sit there and watch them for hours sometimes. And I've noticed, and I wrote it down,

there's a pattern to it. It's like you'll be watching TikTok or Instagram. and there's patterns and rhythm. So you'll get like a singer, you'll get like Taylor Swift or something singing or who's that little Latina girl with the big long hair? Morgan Freeman. There's a Latina girl?

No, Morgan Fairchild. No. Are you talking about Dynasty? No, I'm talking about a singer. Oh, Elvis. Elvis Preston. No, no, the little Latina girl with the big long hair and she wears the thigh-high boots. Norm Crosby.

Yes. No, Ariana Huffington. Oh, Ariana Grande. Yeah. That's it, yeah. Arianna Grande, so it'll be her or Taylor Swift or Dulipa. Have you heard of this girl, Dulipa, or Dilipa? I think I'm a na-a-na-a-na-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-boo. You're my baby-boo. You're my mama-boo. I'm levitating. I'm levitating.

And what's her name? Elvis Presley. Oh, okay. I thought it was do-leepa. Do a leapa. No, thanks. I'm busy. That's not what your wife said last night. Whoa, power player. Whoa. Sarah Lee. Power crunch. Wow.

Wow. So we got. Can we start over? Do you want to? No. We can if you want. I'm having fun. This is good.

Are you cereal? Just being sarcastic. I thought this is going well. I don't know. Now I think I want to start it over. You gave me an idea to start it over. You just start it over, but you got to take your glasses off this time. Oh, yeah.

Oh, hey everybody, here we go. This is the Harland Highway, and here's my gift. Oh, forget about it. So anyways, we have the singer. We got the Duleipas, and then we go, you're scrolling through, and then suddenly got a prank. You got a fat guy farting on a family at a beach, or you get these guys with the two.

Chupiwawa, or whatever. These guys, they go up to guys' ears, and they're chupy, and they're chupy, And they go right into the air and get in the guy wants to kill him. Yeah. Or they walk up and they go, ah, right? I think those are all set up. Those aren't real, though.

Well, anyways, it's, so you go from Dulepa to prank to now you got like some girl in a bikini that's barely a bikini. Like it's dental floss with sewing thread. Right. So you go to that or you've got a sexy housewife like lip syncing in a skimpy outfit. And then you go. And I got to pull. point to this, but I'm going, I got to go through the list. Are you okay with this? I mean, how long is this list? Well, I think you're here, so you're going to sit through it, like a good

little boarding school brat child. Uh, and then you got, all of a sudden you go from girl and bikini, okay? Now you're on the African savannah and wild dogs and hyenas are ripping the fetus out of the inside of a water buffalo. Like they're just like eating it. They're, they're like lions are gargling baby zebras. I mean, it's just like today I saw a pack of wild African dogs pull the intestines out of a water buffalo while it was still standing or a crocodile snapping the face off an antelope. So a second ago I was watching some chick in Cleveland in her bikini

prating around by the pool and then back it up. I got Dolipa and Destiny's Child or whoever you used to date. And then we go from there, from the animals and the lions, to like a cute baby video. Suddenly there'll be a baby gurgling or there'll be a baby somewhere. Well, they're all just, it's just attention grabbing click bait kind of thing. You know, it's just like, here's a hippopotamus. There's some breasts. Here's a baby.

Right. Here's a raccoon going to the grocery store. You were going to say the gym, but grocery store? Well, that's similar. They have a vending machine, usually, or protein bars at least. Yeah. But then you see a guy on the truck stop, you know, just, you know, trying to flip the top of his seven up into a moat. Yeah.

You know. And then you got like the road rage stuff where people are in the street civil discourse. They're yelling and swearing at each other. And then there's people fighting. And then all of a sudden you got a cute cat or a kitten cuddling. up to a species that it would never get close to in the real world. Like I saw like a kitten snuggling with a chicken goose or something the other day. Or a Rottweiler like, you know, playing nosies with a black widow.

Yeah, or like a wiener dog snuggling up to a Siberian tiger somehow. A piece of salary getting launched into the air and shot out of the air with an arrow. Correct. Cool. That was good. Well, no, here's my point. No, no, don't leave yet. Here's my point. So you did it.

You rambled off all the things, right? Trying to keep up, yeah. Right. But here's my question now. And this is a long, winding question. Yeah, real long. But because you know the internet, and you're a thinker, you're a deep thinker, I want to know, are the people that put this stuff together, I don't think it's just random.

I don't think it's just, gee, let's put a lion next to a bikini. I think the people who run the intergoogle or whatever it is, I think they've somehow sat down and mapped out the psychology of what kind of an effect is raw sex, a woman in a skimpy bikini, but it rate up to visions of a lion decimating a baby zebra, next to a cute kitten. I think psychologically they did it on purpose, and there's method to the madness.

It's not just random. And I think they do it because they know if they press all those psychological buttons in a sequence, I don't know, have you ever watched all this stuff and instead of being, wow, that was fun at the end of it, you feel a little bit like, who am I? What is this world? Why do I feel sad and happy

and horny and scared all of a sudden. Yeah, and sweating. Yeah. Sweating. What was that one? Really sweating. Like really sweating. Like, wow, that's, did you just stick that under water and put the shirt on after?

That kind of sweating. Huh, never had that one. Yeah. But is there somebody, is there a mythology to this? Well, yeah, I think you get in those categories. Or they'll have people with, oddly shaped bodies, and they're doing things with, you know, books of cards and, you know, there's magicians that,

or then you see these guys, I saw one today, that was a real, these guys just scaffolding this, this building. Okay. Top of a skyscraper. Oh, God. And they've got nothing, nothing holding them. Ooh. And they're just plugging along going up this building.

And that's a real. So you could do. But that's what I mean. That gives you a visceral reaction. They take you to the top, and you're like, oh, my God, like you're tense. But then all of a sudden, in the swish of a thing, now you're in an over-sexualized environment where there's a girl shaking her ass and her boobs. And then the next thing, you're watching extreme street violence, people in a fistfire.

So I'm going to keep probing. I feel like somehow these social media people, that are flowing this stuff out, I wonder, is there an evil component to this where they're trying to destabilize people with this stuff? The thing in itself is sort of an evil thing. I mean, in the sense that it pulls on your heartstrings, it pushes your adrenaline levels, you know?

Right. But that's to keep you on your phone or on Instagram or on whatever it is. It is, it is. but is it also to destabilize us to make us all a little mentally like unsure of ourselves? I mean, anything that keeps you on your phone in general, I think is part of the goal. But think of it. A movie keeps us in the movie theater.

But if you sign up for a horror movie, it's two hours of Texas chainsaw, a creepy guy with a chainsaw. If you go for, you know, gone in eight seconds or whatever those movies are called, It's like, you know, the days of thunder, what are those ones, the fast and the furious? You know, you're locked in for two hours of car chases. You know what you're getting, right? The experience. But where in this time and this place in our lives have you been able to just switch from one extreme kind of visual inflow that quickly? Applebee's.

Are you cereal? Yeah, your wife works. there are you which one your which wife which wife or which applebees uh north in devonshire and uh it's the third wife the one with the green hair are you cereal i could be i think there i think it's crab fest week over there yeah she's got crab legs i think freak show yeah why do you think she's the third wife um whoa dude whoa player i'll walk out are you serious i didn't even know you cook Chinese. Oh, I'll walk out fast. Wow, well, I like fast food. How big's your walk? She's pretty big. Whoa, guy. He just Taylor Swifted my Ariana Grande. Wowzies. Time for some lubrication. Suck your

dula. Get power jammed. Mm-hmm. That's right. That's right. There we go. Well, I don't know if we resolved, because I feel like there's a deeper psychological, devious thing going on with all this stuff. Yeah, but there's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is, you know, have control of your own footprint. But why are they doing it? Why do they want to make people like... Just to keep you on your phone, to keep you engaged and keep advertising coming after you. But that, that's the surface reason. I get that. That's what all media outlets do. But this, this feels like it, With the quick jumping from extreme to extreme, I feel like somebody somewhere is like,

let's disrupt society. Let's keep them off balance so we can control them more. Let's make them all a little loony so that they need more prescription medicines. Like I feel like there's a kind of a bigger corporate kind of evil behind it. Am I wrong? I wouldn't agree with that, not on this podcast, but yes, you're right. Would you agree with it if I took you later out behind the tool shed

where there's a log pile and we just sat on the logs and said the same thing. Would you agree with it? Yeah, if you burnt macaroni and cheese for me. Dun and done, Dullipa. Dun and done. Dun and Dullipa and dolippa and dolipa. If you could use words for our audience, please. Sir!

Oh, here we glow. Please put the gloves on before you go inside the cut. Conch. What is it the seashell? Is that called it? Conch. Conch. Conch.

Some can pronounce it conch. Some call it conch. But it's spelled C-O-N-C-H. Could you come out from behind the, there's a microphone through your head? Oh, yeah. When you do that, there's a microphone through your head. Well, guess what I see. What?

A microphone through your head. Do you see what I see? Do you see what I see? A microphone through your fucking head. And your wife gets all your stuff. Whoa, bro. You know what time it is? Time to get your wife out of the fucking closet?

No, bro. I think it's time for words from a wooden shoe. Now how this works is... Why do you even have that? Do you want to know the story behind this shoe? Yeah. So years ago, I knew I was doing Letterman. I was going to do the David Letterman show.

Excuse me. And, you know, they book you like months in advance. At least they used to. And I was having a party. And one of my friends said she was going to Holland. And I said, when are you going? And she was going and then going to be back about two weeks before I went on Letterman. And I always like to mess with Dave.

So I said, will you pick me up a size 10 and a half wooden clogs from Holland? I'm going to wear them on Letterman. And so sure enough, she did. She brought me these from Holland. And I got this really beautiful suit. And I walked out on Letterman and it looked great. And then I, you know, I had these stupid wooden clogs on my feet. And when I sat down with Dave, I crossed my legs.

So this foot was like right near him at the foot. at his desk, and I'll never, if he just looked at me, he goes, Harland, it looks like you have wooden footwear on your feet. And it was just, I always used to do things. Wait, was that your, is that your Johnny Carson impression? No, that was you doing Letterman. Oh, can you do it one more time just so I can hear. Harland?

It looks like you've got wooden footwear on your feet, Harland. Now you're doing, are you doing John. Wayne Gacy, the serial killer. John Wayne. Gacy. Yeah. Yeah. Not John Wayne.

No. The cowboy. No. Why don't you come in here, kid, and I'll put the handcuffs on you. I'll drain the blood from your body, flexually molest you, and then eat your limbs. That's the famous cowboy, John Wayne Gacey. Yeah, but then you've got to say Pilgrim. Pilgrim?

Yeah. Do it again, but put the pilgrim back. All right, let's move forward. Okay. So how this works, Jeffrey. is we have little tags in the wooden shoe and on it could be one word or two words. How it works is you pick out a word, you look at it and whatever it says, you relate a story or whatever that evokes to you and you tell the story.

Let's say it says corn on the cob. Is there a story about corn on the cob? But real one. Real. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So reach into the wooden shoe.

Don't look and grab a word from a wooden shoe and tell us what it is. Let's see where it takes us. You never know with words in a wooden shoe. And you tell a story about it? Tell a story or if it sparks a memory or a visceral reaction or if there's something that happened in your life when you're a kid or an adult or you lost your virginia. Whatever it is, does that word conjure up anything to you? Yeah, there's two words.

Okay. Well, I used to work at a... Well, what is it, first of all? Tell the foe. So it's car crash. Oh, okay. It should be good. So I used to work at Jelly Belly for I was an executive.

What's Jelly Belly? Jelly Belly, Jelly Beans. Oh, okay. And it was an executive. I guess somebody has to wear. You were an executive? Yeah, I used to wear a skirt because it was 91. Hey, everybody.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Wait, that was. What do you mean? It was like a leather skirt. Right. It was in, um. Oh, it was in 1991.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. 1891. No, 1990. 1999. And I had a leather skirt on. Okay. And I was driving down the road, and I left work, and I was, yeah, I was hungry because I hadn't eaten much.

So I had a low blood sugar level. Yeah, you can't eat a lot when you're wearing a leather miniskirt. I mean, you've got to be carefully your waistline. Right. And I only wore the miniskirt as sort of like a padding because I used to fall a lot when I used to ballroom dance with your wife. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

You probably don't know any of this. I really didn't. This is wonderful. Keep going. Holy. Your wife, your wife. Yeah, yeah. And me.

Ballroom dance. Not just ballroom dancing. Wait, what the car crashing. What happened? Gross. We used to go to the grocery store together and pick out, pick up different fruits and vegetables together. And she had a cleft ankle.

What the fuck happened? She had a cleft ankle. Wait a minute. She got that from the car crash or she had it before? She had it before and after. What? it's a cleft ankle what does that even look like you i mean you apparently don't spend enough time with your wife well wait a minute before we get that you're talking there's a thing like called a cleft

lip yeah this is ankle this is a cleft for the ankle so a cleft lip is when the lips kind of effed up it's like kind of fangled up and it looks like somebody cut it in half almost right like your nose yeah and she had a cleft ankle she had one obviously she's not around anymore well wait tell me about the car crash how did it happen who was it with you're in you so she was like she was driving we were kind of were both driving what she was on your lap i was on the gas she was on the um break okay so how do you here's the question it's almost like a nancy drew mystery how do you break a car when you have a cleft ankle probably don't you don't have the strength in your tendons because your ankle's cleft. You might use the other leg. Wow.

Please tell me the accident didn't happen while you're making a cleft turn. No, she was showing me her actually, she was showing me her cleft ankle at the time of the crash. That's actually what led to the crash. But you weren't making a cleft turn. No, we were making fun of you. We were talking shit about you. Well, what were you saying? Saying how you're a freak show and now your hair is weird looking and stuff. Well, did you say anything real? Well, we said, If we had tiny little surfboards, we could surf your hair because it's almost like sea follicles. Follicles, I barely know a call.

So you were with, whoa. You're the king of reactions shots. I is? Or I asked. What is that? You're like a bobblehead with fucking Tourette. Whoa, bro. You could say anything.

You'd be like, dude, I just got a sandwich from the grocery. turn, you're like, whee? Really? What kind of sandwich? Exactly. Wait, so wait a minute, you're in a, what colors this miniskirt, by the way?

Is leather black? Black leather miniskirt. You're driving down what road? Creenfield. Creenfeld, okay. And you take a cleft turn. My wife's on your lap. She's half on my lap.

She's looking at her ankle. She said, look at my cleft ankle. but Harlan never really noticed it. I told him about a few times. He wasn't paying attention. And then it just became this thing. And then we started talking about you. And I'm like, Harlan's, you know, Arland's obviously shit, I said, you know.

And I just made that up, though. Dude, I was going to let you surf my hair, but maybe not now. Words hurt, bro. Words hurt deep. I mean, Jesus got nailed to a cross. Pontius Pilate fell down a trench. Donnie Osmond cut his fingers. off in his lawnmower what you just did to me there that hurt yeah well fucking wake up

wake up and smell your wife's coffee oh my gosh made with her fucking cleft ankle whoa bro freak show freak your pants off and climb up jack's beanstock to your daughter's house so that's it what what what happened when the car car car crash though like what did it roll did you hit a light post what would happen we just kind of it wasn't really a crash i mean it was a car crash but it was you know it was minimal you know like we just bounced into the like uh side of the road you know and popped one of the tires and then your wife was crying but not because of the car crash she's just crying she just doesn't like you that much she just this is wife three you're talking about yeah she's just upset with

having to be with you and what was her name because i don't don't know if I believe you were with my third one. What was her name? That's her name. She was Indian. Yeah. She was a North American Indian. What was her name is actually her name. Right. Wow, you were with her. Cleft DeHigel turning cleft. Yeah, she used to call me Geronimo. Are you serial? I hope not. You will be. I don't go that way. You will. So we talked about your deep fake show And now we want to see you do an impression

And I hope you can do this for us I know that you do an incredible Dustin Hoffman Don't do it yet But if you'll grace us Jeff Richards, Master Impressionist If you'll grace us Doing Dustin Hoffman Reading the lyrics

To My Milkshake brings the boys to the boys to the yard. And if you want, I can do the fall la la part. Sure. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Richards, master impressionist, Dustin Hoffman, my milkshake. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. They're like, it's better than yours.

Damn right, it's better than yours. I can teach you, but I have to charge. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like it's better than yours damn right it's better than yours and i can teach you but i'm not i'm not i don't have the time i have the patience i don't have the wherewithal to be able to spend that dedicate that kind of thing i'm going to have to charge la la la la la la la la la la la warm it up la la la la la the boys are waiting La la la la la la la I said warm it up

Bro, that was pretty good Like not that was excellent Yeah I mean I felt like you really Drop the ball in your part What do you mean? I did the la la la's Yeah but they weren't there was no conviction in it What bro those were some of them I don't even think do Lipa could a la la la la do you better than that

Isn't Duolipa? No, thanks. I'm busy for the rest of my life. Why are you looking over there? You're playing to the camera? Yeah. Because you're trying to get clips out of this? No, I get a deeper laugh.

There's two of us here. One of us knows how to work a camera. You need something deeper, but I don't know if it's a laugh. How about a McCain deep and delicious cake? Have some more of your Coca-Cola. Don't tell me what to do. Don't tell me what to do. Do lip off.

No, thanks. I'm straight. Freak show. Breeze freak. Dude. Full on. Fall on. Savage.

Sir, I'm going to have you read this thing. He does a great Dustin Hoffman. So we're going to do bring the milkshake to the yard. I'm going to do the La La La La La's part. Dude. La La la la la. That's you doing it. Get your sleep.

La la la la la la. Like a geriatric ward Running a little bit Again, one more time Just quickly Well, no, I mean, it's the whole thing No, just No, you've not

I'm just saying Moke Shake brings all the boys to the yard La La La La La La Warm it up La La The boys are waiting La La La I said

I should warm it up Dustin, we don't have to do it again. We did it. Why do you... Why are you saying Dustin? Because you became Dustin Hoffman. But it's not like the only way you can reach me is by calling me the character name.

But you are in deep, and that's what people don't know about Javert, is that when he does his impressions, he goes in deep. He inhabits the character. He becomes the character. He channels the character. He absorbs and exudes the character.

You're not just like, putting on a silly voice you're like you're you become him i i initially bring all the boys to the yard la la la la la la boys are waiting just come to the yard i got a milk shake for you you want them you want chocolate you want vanilla i want strawberry we don't have strawberry I want chocolate What about mint chocolate chip, Dusty? I don't think something straight

Wow At least for no What about pepper crackle crinkle crunch? Yeah, I know him Are you cereal? Yeah, it works at ICM No way Yeah

Industrial cornmeal Yeah, he works there too You said ICM All of them, they all work there Wow Freak show I love me to go. I'm not going to wear glasses, but then you put the glasses on.

You're either going to go glass or no glasses. What do you need to read anything for anyway? Because I have a list. Those ideas aren't worth anything. You don't need to go to those. All right. Let's go back to the wooden shoe. Oh, no.

Come on. Oh, man. Come on. Word from the wooden shoe. Why you got word for the wooden shoe? The last one I looked at two words. I said words from the wooden shoe. Can't hear you.

These new mic are. Your microphone isn't working. It's an earphone. Your microphone's here. What's it say, Dusty? Most exotic place. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, I used to live in Studio City. That's it? There's a car wash there that's got a car hoisted up on in the air. It's hoisted up in the air. Right. And they're trying to tell you that we wash cars. Here's a car. We wash it.

That feels very exotic if you're from northern California to be down. out here and see you. Oh, is that on Ventura? Is that the one with the giant hand? Yeah. And there's a car sitting on the giant hand. Does it make you feel like you're really somewhere else? It's incredible.

Like part of it's almost like, is this the twilight zone? Yeah, right. It's not the Twilight Zone. It's just. This is real. I'm going to pull this up on Google. There's a place down the road from here. I know exactly, and it is exotic.

It's a car wash. And for some reason, they have a gigantic hand. It's almost like a roadside attraction, one of those things. Like your wife. It's a giant hand, not a giant cleft foot. A giant John Ham. It's a giant John Ham hand. And on the hand is a car, like an old like Corvette Stingray or something.

Yeah. And I've never seen that anywhere else in the world. So it was an exotic place. The survey says you are right, Jeffrey. This is a disaster. This is the worst thing I've ever been a part of. Are you cereal? I mean, tell me, what kind of cereal you got?

Well, it's funny you said that because, you know, we've been having some hijinks and we've been having some fun. And so the next segment actually, it's interesting, this is where we get to a real question, like a deep, serious question. And we call this segment, we get rid of the old wooden shoe. and we call this segment, Are You Serial? How it works is what we do is we pour cereal in a bowl like this. And then what happens is... You're going to put it back in there.

You just waste it. And then what happens is... Are you going to put it back in there or waste it? What happens is I stick my face in the cereal so that my face is covered with Cocoa Krispies and then I ask you a real cereal question. Why don't you just put your face in there and just leave it at that? Because I have to ask you the real serial question.

Do it, do it. And you have to say, are you cereal after I do it? Well, don't expect the world. Dude, you're a fucking fall on. What are you doing with your life? What is this? What is wrong with you? This is so unnecessary.

You could have just kept talking and he bought a bowl of cereal? What do you try to derail your own show? Here's what we're going to do. This is a fucking shit show. We're going to go get a word from our sponsor. When I come back, folks, I'm going to have Vaseline on my face. We're going to stick my face in the Cocoa Krispies

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Man, that guy could sell ice to an Eskimo. But we're back, and we've got a new segment, and it's called Are You Serial? And the way it works is I ask you a real serious question or a serial question. And to do it, I have to stick my face in a bowl of it. of cereal, so let's do that, first of all. There we go. Fuck. Jesus.

So, Jeff, are you cereal? us when we die. Well, I think that our spirits continue. I think that our flesh goes to the ground and dissolves into the earth in its own way. But I think our spirits stay in different dimensions, I think, mostly. I think that we, there's dimensions we don't even know about.

Wait, are you cereal? Yes. Very serial. So, wait. they go to another dimension? Yeah, I think that our spirit, our inner soul, is something that continues forever, that finds new vehicles to operate,

you know, maybe the body of a bug or the body of a flatbed snake or a flatbed, I don't know if that's a snake, but some sort of flat snake or bug. So just so I'm clear, You're being cereal right now. Please keep going. Look, you've got to wear sunscreen.

If you don't wear sunscreen, it's just, this is your skin. Is this? Are you cereal? No, are you cereal? I am cereal. I'm Cocoa Krispies. We'll be right back. I'll go right for the warm coke to, you got to have some.

It's like air for you, warm Coke with no bubbles. Freak show, your wife. We'll be right back. You already said you're going to be right back. I know, but now I mean it. Really? I'm cereal. I'm really cereal.

You're a freak fest. There, two guys in their underpants, just two guys in their underpants. They like cheese and they like games, and they like to part and like to dance, jumping around in their underpants, traveling the world through the toy and friends, just two guys in their underpants. A hot smoking Saturday night, and you're sitting on a couch staring into your cell phone? What in the name of fire-roasted Swiss fudge are you doing? I am on a dating app, my friend. I finally decided to look for a lady friend on the inter-google so that I can fun frolics with a female friend,

horse riding, cracking chestnuts, spreading peanut butter on our faces and licking... Hold on, hold on. You're on a, on a, what, a dating app? Yes, it's wonderful. It's just fudge packed full of beautiful beauties, wonderful girls. And I was able to join for free, the barf-faced babes dating app. Oh, henceforth, come to me, my lovelies. Are you out of your mutt? What?

Barf faced, what? First of all, these, these dating apps, I don't even think they work. I mean, who's gonna wanna go out with... Oops, hold on. I just got a mat. Wait, what? Oh my goodness. Look at this bar-faced beauty. Wait, you got one? What did she look like?

Imagine a mentoid running across a bowling alley. She falls on 12 bowling balls, smash her in the face. Wait, what? And then her face puffs up, like a pumpkin that's been kicked by a cow. What the hell are you talking about? This is a girl you want a date? Well, I don't see why I wouldn't. I mean...

Oh my God, I've just got another, another match. Molly Ringwald's Meatmash. Wait, you already got another one? What's this one look like? Have you ever heard of Arby's horsy sauce? Of course. Well, imagine they have to milk this girl's gums to get it. What the hell?

They literally have to milk her teeth to get Arby's horsy sauce. What are you talking about? Are you telling me these, are these girls any good looking? Whoops, hold on. On a second, another match, friend, mushroom-filled meatballs and mongoose knot. Are you telling me you already got another babe? Oh, have you ever heard of tailgating, friend? Yeah.

Well, it looks like somebody smashed this babe's face in a tailgate about 700 times. Her teeth could chew through a cement mixer. What the hell are you talking? Who are these barf doll babes? I mean, you gotta be... What? These sound like a nightmare. They're called bar-faced babes. Whoops.

Oh, my goodness, Gorgonzola. I just got another match, friend. How the hell are you pulling this off? What's this one look like? Do you remember what John F. Kennedy's head looked like? After seven bullets went through it? Yes, of course. Well, say hello to my bar-faced babe.

Oh, you got to be... Listen, this is not the way to meet ladies. There's got to be a... there's better ways to meet ladies oh look at her oh i bet her breath smells like a wild hippopotamus doing vinegar farts gravy dripping from her nose sweet roadkill i'm this close to hammering a vampire steak right up my i can picture her on her hands and knees eating raw beef from an all-you-can-eat buffet brussels sprouts in her hair slap me in the swamp thing Corn nibblitz in her teeth. Stephen King's apple cider. Garlic butter, dribbling from her underpants.

Suck my psoriasis. Spinach, scrambled eggs and baby carrots, shooting out of her hairy belly button. Jesus, I think my legs are about to snap. Oh, bar-faced, babe. Now look, this is not the way to go about getting a date. Do you even know what you do if you got a date? Well, not.

Really? Okay, let's rehearse. What do you mean? We're gonna practice what to do when you're on a date, so you don't screw it up. Like a training session. Exactly. Now, you sit over here, and I'll sit over there. Let me help you.

Thank you, most precious friend. Now, first thing you want to do when you meet her is offer up some pleasantries. Pleasantries, friend? You know, give her a compliment, say something nice about how she looks. I understand. Go ahead, try it on me. Okay. Hello, Barface, dug up any corpses from the graveyard with your yellow teeth lately?

Oh, what are you doing? You told me to do a pleasantry. That sounded more like a toilet tree. Friend? All right, let's skip to the next part. Act like you're interested. How? Ask her a question about herself.

Okay. Does your ass stink? What, no, no, why would you ask that? You said to ask a question. But it's not about it. Friend. All right, let's try this the other way. I'll, I'll be the instigator.

Okay. I'll ask you some questions. See if we can get this thing going in the right direction. Most exalante. All right, so, uh, well, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Uh, so you, uh, read any good books lately? Yes, as a matter of fact.

I'm reading one now. Oh, wonderful. And what's it called? It's called, spread me a five note. Spread me a five note. Oh, interesting. Can you tell me a bit about it? I'll go one better.

Why don't I just spread you a five note? What the hell are you doing? Oh, my God. What do you do? Close your legs, for Christ's sake. What are you? I'm spreading a five note. I don't even think that's a real book.

It most certainly is. Oh, really? Why don't you read a passage from it then? As he emerged from the alleyway on a dark, misty moonlit night, he spread his rusty legs and gave her a five note. What the, oh God, what are you doing? Oh, Johnny, she cried, with an impassioned tone in her voice. What does a woman smitten and so in love have to do to keep you?

Johnny slowly turned around as rain began to drop from the skies. He bent over and he said, Simple, baby, spread me a five note. What the hell are you? Did you just make that up? Jesus! Well, you asked if I was reading a book. That's not a real book. Spread me a five-note. Okay, if you insist... No! Oh, God! Stop! Close your legs!

I'm spreading a five-note. Close your dim, swollen legs. Well, this date isn't going well. Shut up, we're moving on. Nasty little bastard. Shut up! Isn't that weird, though? Weird for you because you got a really interesting lifestyle.

And that bug that's in your bathroom? Yeah. What do you do? What is? That's very you, but what are you doing? Like you don't have bugs in your bathroom? Yeah,

but they're not under a glass and stick to the back of a toilet. Well, exactly, what is that? What kind of flies that? It's actually kind of called a rhinoceros beetle. And they're huge. They're one of the biggest insects on the planet.

and have a huge Procifius, or whatever that's called, or a horn. You just make it. But it sounded right. It sounded good. Sounded good. It has a huge precipice. It's strangest thing to me is how much it looks like your wife. Are you cereal right now? Bring it out.

Let's take a look. Am I? Let's see the cereal. You want it again? Show me the cereal. You can't handle the cereal. You can't handle my tooth. I can't handle the bug in your bathroom.

What do you want? Why are you so freaked out about a rhinoceros beetle? I got scared of it. It looked so vivid. I had to pee on it. I took, I shot a stream onto it. So you've never seen a, did you know what a rhinoceros beetle was? Have you ever heard of it in your, in your lifetime?

Of course. Honestly. Yes, of course. Okay. So that just, have you? Let me read the Hoffman thing again. Okay. My milkshake brings all the bullish to the yard.

They're like better than yours. I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait, why don't we do, why don't we not show it up a gear Taco Bell? Please. Okay, watch this. I had two Taco Bell tacos today. Watch it, you did? Yeah. I thought I smelled your wife.

Uh, why don't we do this? Oh, here we go, Brosh. Brosh, see-fi-ish. Let's do Robert Downey Jr. Singing, don't you, or doing don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me. So, yeah, okay. We're about to get a little hot and sweating this, motherfucker. Ladies, let's go.

You see this shit get hot every time I come through when I step up in the spot, make the play sizzle like a summertime cookout, prowl for the best chick, guess I'm on the lookout. So banging, shorty, like a belly dancer with it. Just smells good, pretty skin, gangster, you know, 5'10, ready to party no tricks only diamonds ship you know shake a whole thing right whoa bro morton downy junior was morton downy senior are you cereal right now i don't know pull the cereal

out is it still under there we already did it do you do the serial thing already was i was i here yes i asked you that deep question what do you keep asking it i'm either cereal or i'm not serious. I know. And if I'm not serial, I'm not telling you. Well, you already did in the last segment. Maybe I'm lying. Wow. Well, that just means you'll have to come back and I'll have to ask you again if you're cereal. Listen, I have your address now. So, I'm sorry to see a lot more of me. Wow. Are you cereal? Why don't you go to the dairy and slam your family? Shit. Freak. Go to the dairy. slam your face in the freezer stupid ass what do you have to go to the dairy to put your face in a freezer

what did you say put it in a freezer why don't have to go to a dairy because not even easy to get on the campus right that's what makes it funny like you're why it's a weird it's like out there bro yeah but no thanks I'm straight oh my god How's that flat Coca-Cola doing? It's not flat. So good, huh? It's nice and flat. Nice and warm and flat.

It's not. It's... And I go, you go, you want something to drink and you had one Perrier and one iced tea. And you made it sound like you had an assortment of things for me to look at. And you go, what do you want? You want the, the fucking, the grape soda that's already been opened and contaminated and decontented and decontented and decou. carbonated or do you want you want the one this or the one that it's like this is ridiculous i i'm ready to storm off after thinking about all this dude i i texted you and said what do you

dude i don't have a phone i told you this you're not texting me you're texting somebody else that's not where's your phone with your wife freak show you are so tell them about the priest freak shirts that we're selling oh yeah well we have a shirt that we made It's called Priest Freak. And if you want to get one, you can go to harlomwilliams.com, and it says priest freak on it. There's a picture of a very sweaty, nervous-looking priest. And in fact, this is a good place to show off this week's shirts of the week at harbleng.com. So let's take a look at my hand-drawn t-shirts, and we'll be right back.

And I think Mr. Impressions over here is going to be doing some Jimmy Fallon for us. We'll be right back. Oh yeah, here we go. Time for another hand-drawn shirt by yours truly. And if you don't know, I draw my own t-shirts. I take Sharpie markers and I draw directly on the t-shirt. And if this shirt's still available, you can own it at harbleng.com. So let's go ahead and reveal this week's hand-drawn Harlan t-shirt.

well here we go here are this week's hand-drawn t-shirts by yours truly and this one as you can see is called molly and i don't know if any of you have ever done molly or heard of molly but uh and i don't know if any of you have heard of molly ringwald the actress and i don't know if any of you've been to burning man where a lot of Molly happens, but that's kind of what inspired this shirt. I actually went to Burning Man and didn't see a lot of people on Molly, and Molly was all over the place,

and I just thought it'd be fun to pair the two together. So Molly Ringwald, and over here we have our second shirt, and I call this one Teardrops for Technology, and it's basically kind of, I don't know, my interpretation of, you know, how advanced we're getting with technology and is it getting to the point or even technology is sad about how advanced we're getting? Are we losing our grip on humanity handing over everything we are and everything we know to the world of technology

where robots and AI are going to be running everything? I don't know. Maybe we're going to need Molly more than ever to help us cope with technology. There you go. That's this week's hand-drawn t-shirts. You can get them at harbling.com. And if they're sold out, the originals, you can always order a print. All right, we are back, bro. This is so ridiculous. Jesus. This is show business, It's 2020, I'm like, we'll be right back. Okay, let's have a donut, you know. Let's pull out a bowl of cereal.

Let's read lyrics. You know I don't know how to read. You're getting lucky that I can read as good as I would. I don't want to read. This is lock. I guess what the letters and the vowels were put together. I just guess. This is the example of the depth of his impressions.

As a human being, Jeff can't read, but when he inhabits someone else's persona, he goes so deep. Dustin Hoffman can read. Morton Downey Jr. can read. And now Jimmy Fallon can't read. So not either of us are going to be able to read this one.

Well, try it. It's Lady Lumps. It's the beautiful song Lady Lumps, Jimmy Fallon doing Lady Lumps. I don't remember this song. Well, you will. Give me a little how it goes. My Lumps, my lady, lady humps. My Lump, my lovely lady bumps.

Check it out. Okay. They got my dose of van. My dose. That's enough. Wow. Snapmuch? Ginger Snap.

Your wife. All right. This is Jimmy Fallon. Here we go. What's you going to do with all that junk, you know? All that junk inside your trunk. You know what I mean? I'm going to get, get, get, get you drunk.

You know what I'm talking about? That's the coolest thing in the world, you know? Get me, get you love my drunk off my hump, you know? It's a coolest thing that means. my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my little, my little, lovely little lumps. That's the coolest thing of the minute, that's, I don't mess, amazing, I having fun is cool, you know, check it out. Okay, that's, wow, bro. I'm, I'm not a reader.

I know. Have you ever thought about DeVry? for reading classes. Seriously, bro. DeVry could help you with anything you got. Are you cereal? Freak show. This is all going to be scrapped.

You better hope you didn't record this. This is not worth airing. What do you mean? This is gold, bro. If you cut your part out, it would be okay. what do you mean like if you cut all of you out right it would probably be a good podcast oh so it should just be you and the characters for this one for this one yeah i might try that let me try cut me out cut me out a note to our editor cut me out you're the editor oh yeah um note to self cut me out and we're back uh didn't

really work. What do you mean we're back? This is hard to tell. We've been going the whole time, so there's no goodbye and back. It's like, and we've been recording the whole time. You don't know what I'm saying? There's no back. There's no coming back or we're back.

We never went anywhere. No, dude, I was gone. If you kept these recorded, if they're recording, then it just, it's just no illusion to this. I was gone for about five minutes. And it was just you. It was perfect. It was. Was it better?

Oh, it's way better. Are you cereal? Are you? Pull the cereal out. Do the trick again. It's not a trick. It's a, I already did it. I like looking at the cereal.

Okay, I can pull it out again if you want. It's what she said. Oh, those, I need to have that. Cocoa Krispies. No, thanks. I'm busy for the rest of my life. Is that the new one you do instead of saying, no, thanks, I'm straight? No, but I think you said that because you know I'm lactating, which is kind of rude.

Well, I know that you're. boobs are big enough to feed like a bandit of bands my lumps my lovely lady bumps doce and gubana what where did you even think of this song my lumps might i mean did you go looking through song list the red hot chili peppers brush what is my lovely lady lumps no it's not yes it is no it's uh it's not the it's the uh the black eyed peas which is also a food group I mean, peas, beans, peppers. I mean, it's all food. You got a lot of problems.

Well, no, I got a lot of cereal. Not really. It's all there. Are you cereal? Oh, my God. This is like torture. I want to go home. No.

You do? Tomorrow. I know a couple of guys who drive Uber. Oh, really? Your wives? What do you mean my wives? All your wives drive over? What does that even mean?

Are you cereal? Freak show. Tell them about the priest freak shirt again. I'll put a picture up of it. Yeah. And if you want a priest freak shirt, it's just a saying, but you said it would make a good band.

Yeah, I was trying to make you feel better, but. But you, because I said it to you once, you're a priest freak, and then you said, oh, that would be a great name for a band, priest freak. Priest freak. But anytime anyone calls you on this shirt and be like, what are you doing? Is this anti-religious or whatever? Yeah. Just say, no, this is for Judas Priest enthusiasts.

I'm a priest freak. Oh, right, okay. That's how you get away with it. I see now. What kind of... They already got away with having Judas Priest as a band name. So if you just say, I'm a priest freak, this is part of that. I know the guy, Halford.

Halford? Who's that? That's the lead singer of, uh, your wife. This sucks, man. I don't like you. I'll go home. Why is everything? You get a fucking bowl of cereal

The size of one of your eyes And then it's like no milk This is you It's like I told you I put Vaseline on my face I got to stuff my face in there For the are you cereal question We'll get to it

We already did it How'd it go? How'd it go? You were there I don't remember that way You want me to play it again I'll play it again Play it again.

Fuck. Jesus. Why didn't you use the tuba? I did use the tuba, but it's not going to get me off that of the trunk. Oh. It's just going to give me a little song for the ride home. Well, you do like to blow.

that's that doesn't impress me well you got to blow a tuba to get the noise that's not that doesn't impress me well it's true but yeah oh man dude it's just what a god oh man we're having too much fun aren't we this might be the best podcast ever Hmm, warm, uncarbonated Coke. Yum.

Have you ever, um... See, that's like an 8-year-old would drink that still. What do you mean? An adult would put that aside and get another one. Or drink on some... Well, this is fine. You can see the fuzz. You're not supposed to have fuzz in it. It is.

Look at the fuzz. You keep saying it's flat. You know what, though? Fuzzier than a Lorox crawling out of Dr. Seuss's underpants. Is that a nubes? Nickelodeon reference? No. That Coca-Cola bottle, I mean, that's something an eight-year-old would covet.

You know, usually get through the drink, get another drink. Why? What do you think of the new? What do you think? It's the first time we've had it up. It's great. You're the first one to sit in the... I didn't know you would do that color scheme, though.

California sunset. It's actually more of a Miami thing. Well, it's part of the Harland Highway kind of. theme where it's like over here we have the deep city over there we got the west coast the east coast it's about the journey you're on when you get on the harland highway i think that's this is just the stuff you had left right lying around i don't think that you actually coordinated anything are you i think this is a mistake because i mean these are nice because you have your bold red color blue and this is you know uh neutral but this is this is like dot something doc severson would have

worn are you being totally serial right now I don't know I have no way of knowing Well I'm all I can do his ass All right We've got to slowly wrap this thing up But slowly wrap it up Yeah we're gonna do another hour

I'm just letting the viewers know We're do slow rolling the next hour But we're closing the pot The hour's an hour We're closing We're ending where the show's coming to an end But I just don't end it quickly I like it to kind of slow percolate.

So over the next hour. Someone would call that torture. Someone used the word torture for that. Someone who lived in colonial England. They used to torture. You got to look after your own colonial. Freak. Wait, are you being totally serial right now?

Ask the cereal. Talk to the cereal. Are you being serial? Are you cereal? wait are you cereal why don't you get some milk for it and i'll power power glaze that whole thing down because i don't want you to it's mine you're gonna put it back in the box yeah it's delicious it's been on my face with vaseline it'll it's good for the circulatory system oh my god what a terrible man you are dude this is a freak show i mean i feel like i almost feel

like the doors aren't going to open when I try to leave this is like some like house of cards some fucking Johnny Depp movie why don't you go to a chocolate factory crack your face you want me to go to a chocolate factory yes good fine on we go there's no way of knowing

where my wife is going oh my god but I know where she's going I hope so I think so i hope that they do i think that they will it's hard to say from here good fine on we go wow jean wilder gang gang this is snake carp you got snake carpet you never talk about that i don't snake carpet freaks um let's tell the good folks where they can uh watch your incredible um Jeff Richard show

I can't even say my name it's not a complicated name it's called The Jeff Richard show it's on YouTube or anywhere you get podcasts it's a video on YouTube and audio on the audio thing and then I'm the Jeff Richards

on Instagram this is I don't even know how to feel about this because I'm glad you're having a good time I rather just to just dive into the pool and not come back up. But, I mean, I'm trying to. You're trying.

I think you made it through, guys. I think you made it through. I said I'm trying, and then when you say you're trying, I don't like when you say it. Your head dues are on crooked, and your eyes are all glazed like you've been staring into a pumpkin's asshole all night. Fur! I am staring into a pumpkin's asshole.

I'm looking at you. same fucking thing freaks see what I did with there I did the Harlan Highway thing and then I got another thing for New York and then people's the skyline and this one

I like because it's like kind of got the Miami thing going on sir sir are you serial are you serial are you serial you're watching the

Harlan Highway Are you fucking cereal? Dude, what is wrong with you? This is what's wrong with me. You poke and prod me enough. This is what you get. You got to get that black miniskirt and get to Applebee's, bro. Wow.

You're out of control, bro. Brought you as an official podcast guest. and you're like a tumbleweed blowing through Dolly Parton's underpants. I went to her house with my brown leotard. Brown leotard. Who wears a brown leotard?

Me. You're watching the Harlan Highway. Sir. Sir! Are you up? There you all right. No? Sir.

Okay. I don't know. What's the new one you got instead of saying, no, I'm straight. You kind of got rid of that. I'm busy for the rest of my life. I'm busy for the rest of my life. It's like, you're a freak.

Freak show. Catch Jeff Richards. Incredible deep fake show. The Jeff Richards show. Plug your Instagram. Just did it. The Jeff Richards. You just did it.

Yeah. Well, you're asking if I'm cereal. Okay. Folks, I hope you had a good time here. The Orlando is here today. And we'll have Jeff back tomorrow for sure. And Jeff, thank you for being here.

Did you have a good time? No. Obviously not. You will. I'm going to give a bad Rit Yelp review. Are you serial? How many cereals? I'm going to give it one star.

Oh, so Lucky Charms. Yeah. That's it for now, folks. Thanks for being here. Thanks for riding down the Harlan Highway. Thank you, Jeff Richards. And until next time, chicken chalmayne, baby. You look like Ted Williams currently.

Who's that? Ted Williams, a baseball player? Thanks. I'm busy for the rest of my life. Oh, my God, this new ending that you do. God, are you cereal? Yes, I am. Oh, really?

Yeah. I have Cocoa Krispies. Like a Lord of the Rings character. Whoa, bro. Too far? Yeah, we'll be right back. The Harlan Highway. Does it look funny?

Yeah, it's good. Good. Is there lots of it? Yeah. Oh, good. Okay. Yeah, of course. It looks great.

Let me go wash it off and then we're all done. Jesus. I'm going to my stomach for it. Good. It's still recording, so don't say anything bad about it. Sir. I'm going to the bathroom, and I'm going to wash off all these creepy craters,

this little brown bugs, this tiny little flakes of chocolate goodness. I'm going to throw them all away, let them go down the sink, round and around, and down the six, sir! Okay, everybody, we're back from the Harland Highway. I'm Highland Ways.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, sir. You're listening to the Harland Highway. Sir! Are you fucking serious? I'm sorry, but I'm busy for the rest of the year. So is my wife.