The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #21 - DAVID KOECHNER FROM ANCHORMAN and The OFFICE

Episode Date: August 23, 2022

David and I discuss behind the scenes Hollywood stuff. Auditioning and working on a movie together with some of the biggest names in showbiz! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show Harland Williams You're all set guy? I'm set. Here we go. Oh yeah, here we go. Hi, welcome to my podcast.

Hold on, I got to do it. You know, thanks for being here. This was episode 17. Good night. Aswad. Ask, you know what? What? I'm already sweating because you make me nervous.

Good. Good. Well, I'm more nervous than you are because I feel like this is a big chance for me. This is a big chance. Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast right here. And a very special guest today, David, won't say the middle name, Kekner. It's Michael. Do you didn't know that?

I thought it was Zachary. Never has been. What's your middle name? My show, Zach. I'm David Zachary coach. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Do I spell the C-K or is C-H? You tell me it's your middle name, guys. Zatchery. Zatchery. Zatchery did you read the Amish style. Yes. Yeah. I was going to mention Charlie's here, my son.

Where? You know, if you could give your eyes work, he's right there. Um, okay, whatever, guys. Is your daughter here, too? Space Ace? No. How about Cous? And Zachariah, is he here, too?

We just went to my, to Missouri for a family reunion. Okay, with all the, the whole family? All the kids. You have like six, right? Five. Five, my show's six. I did take my girlfriend, so yeah, we had six. So the wife, the girlfriend, and the six kids.

Not the wife. I'm no longer married. Okay, okay. So it was a partial family get together. Well, no, it was the family, the real family. Went to take the, I took them through my hometown. Tipton, which is 2,000 people. Oh, wow. 3,500 now because they move the city limits to include the prison. I shit you not.

What? Yeah. They redefined the boundaries to include the prison. Yes. We don't have enough rapist murders and pedophiles here in Tipton. Right. So let's do some lot readjustments and get a good, healthy portion of the devil's minions. Do you know why they do it? Federal dollars. For black masses? Federal dollars are allocated on head count. So if they include the prison, which is 1,500 people, they get more money for the town.

Why didn't you just have John Wayne Gasey buy a place in town? Oh, he's got several. Well, there should be enough heads in his basement. Hello, Dr. Carrick. Actually, puts him in the crawl. Oh, wow. The crawl space. You didn't need to say space.

I knew what you meant. I don't know how smart your viewers are. Well, you know, that's true. I think you, it's not plural. It's my viewer. I watched these later, and that's about it. You don't even post this. I don't even post it.

You don't upload it to a platform. No, no need. But when you said, see, here's when you said, because I'm good at words, I took English at DeVry and all that, you know that. I don't you say English, but go ahead. Yeah, well, that's DeVry. That's the, we put a silent, on English.

A lot of people don't know that DeVry is a tech institute, but go on. So you took English at DeVry Tech? Well, shop English. Sure, sure. Mechanics. Yeah.

Metalwork English slash. I'm tracking. But the way you said, crawl. Like, I think I pretty much knew we were talking about a serial killer. The way you said,

crawl. Think about how much works. after you're done, you know, with whatever and then cutting the person up, you have to bury them in the crawl. You're like, oh, fuck. Did he cut them up? I don't know if he cut them up.

I think he buried them whole. He liked a whole corpse to play with. And that's a lot of work. But how would you know, guy? I've been under a house before. Yeah, but now I'm wondering why. Are you really recording? What happened to your guy?

I think you just ate a corpse. That's my thinking look. Wow. Okay, Popeye. Jeez. That's Popeye. Wow. I'd make a good Popeye.

Or a serial killer. Or a serial killer, Popeye. Folks, since we haven't really started yet, here we are again. David Keckner is here. Actor, model, community service guy. used to be a school teacher, a mechanic. A priest, a nun, and also you worked in a dildo factory, didn't you? Well, I was a tester, yes.

There's got to be a joke. Someone's a dildo tester, right? There has to be. A joke. I think you just look for the girl in town that walks sideways, like a crab, and I think you got her. Oh, she's a dildo tester. Yeah, there's Carol Ann, the dildo. She works down at the Donnie's dildos.

on 4th Street. On 4th, where they make the dildos. Yeah, she stands sideways to cross town. There is a dildo factory. Where is it? We know, it has to exist. A dildo factory does exist. And someone has to actually, my God, how is this not a document?

Maybe this would be our dog. A documentary, really. Yep, I mean, someone's got to be a dildo, like, yep, floppy enough, hard, whatever. Do you think they just do that? Don't they have to actually, doesn't someone have to? To test them? Carol Ann. Carol Ann, the sidewalker.

Wow. But guess what? She's always smiling. She's always smiling, and she gets free food at crab fest at Red Lobster every second month. Well, you know what? The irony, he never had crabs. You haven't? No, she hasn't.

She hasn't, yeah. Yeah. Nor a real man. Yeah, she just had latex rubber. Yeah. It's all she's ever known. Yeah. So anyways, this is the guy.

This is David Kekner for the fourth time he's made me introduce him. Doesn't have ego issues. I'll probably introduce you again in about four or five minutes. Do people get pretty uptight about how do people, have you had, I don't know if you want to talk about this or not, someone who said, hey, I need you to list this and this and this as my credit and introduce me this way? No.

No, okay. Because your friends wouldn't be that way. And if they were, I think there'd be a, there'd be a, problem. I think I'd probably get them canceled. Yeah. I'd probably write up a false police report and I'd probably blow a rape whistle. We've got one that hanging around your neck. I got one. I'm not telling you where it is, but I got one guy. So tell everyone how you know David from the office, from, from Anchorman, from Corumpus. My face. My face. Crappas is, you have seen crampas.

I went to crampett, dude, I sent you text for two years going, where can I get the Corumpus China sat? I just bought seats for the theater version of Corpus. Are you going to be in it? Where can my family get the Corumpus sleeping bag set? And you barely ever answered. I always answer. You are very angry.

I always answer. I know. I look forward to your texts. You know this. But I teased you a lot about Corumpus, but you were great in it. To see you fighting with a gingerbread man is something. I dream about that sometimes. Do you?

Yeah, I dream that you riding a horse across Pepperidge Farm, you dismount, you've got a giant yeast infection. How can you tell? Do I announce it in the dialogue? Because I thought you'd get off the horse, but you're still riding something, and it's a ball of yeast. So my acting, in your dream, my acting is so good. You're like, oh, my God, I can tell he has a yeast. infection by the way he's acting that's not how i would put it i would put it your acting is so good this guy had to have gone to devry what was that sir was that was a chortle sound like you just

inhaled winnie the poohs last popcorn fart jesus god i didn't know what if it was fond of popcorn but thanks for clearing that up for your viewers yeah honey dipped popcorn who's your favorite A good character from the 100-acre woods since we're on it. Ah, it has to be Tigger. Oh, yeah. A wonderful thing about Tiggers. The Tiggers is a wonderful thing. They're bouncy, pouncy, pouncy, pouncey-pouns.

Have you ever done that when you've orgasmed? And I know your son is here somewhere. But have you ever, like, just when you're achieving, you're like, oh, oh, hoo. No. I think you have. I have not. Because I've heard it. But I tell you what, the next time I do,

alone or otherwise, I will do that. You're going to do the Tigger. And then I'm going to whisper in that girl's ear. That's for Harland. So it's a girl this time. This time. Deep in the 100-acre wood. His Tigger's getting off behind a tree.

A lot of people don't know Tigger also Dildo Tester. Yeah, he looks like it. The way he jumps up and down. Woo-hoo! Oh, yeah. probably gets the biggest ones he piles it right on or in now harland can we tell the people oh here we want to yeah tell them why am i here i was just here are we going to take can we tell them at the end okay yes because if we tell them now they're all going to be looking and going wait is that thing

you know what i'm talking but we'll tell i think we tell them at the end and just like you guys have been slammed what was that well that's like you got they would what that is that That's, you're putting yourself deep into sight someone's thing. Tiggers. Woo-hoo! By the way, you sent me noodling, and I have to admit, I have not read it yet, and I have to do that. I was reminded on the way up here. Oh, yeah.

I've got to read. No worry. There's no rush. Because this also reminded me of noodling. Oh, right. And again, we were just in Missouri. Yeah. And near the Bagnall Dam of Lake the Ozarks, and we went to a different lake

south of there. Oh, yeah. There, they do a lot of noodling near the Bagnel Dam because the catfish hang out in those deep waters there. Yeah, noodling is the only form of fishing, unless you're, like, trying to kill yourself with a shark. Noodling is where these guys go along the riverbanks, and they shove their arm into cat, the catfish hide in big holes they dig into the side of the bank.

And the catfish, these things are like 60, 80 pounds. Yeah. They swim out and engulf the arm up to here, and then these guys pull the fish out on their arm and get these giant cats called Newland. It's only, it's only legal, I think, in 12 states. Oh, is it right? Yeah.

But the fish bites because they think it's another fish they're eating, right? No, they, I actually did surveys on this. It's their, the mothers are protecting the young ones in these little caverns. They're fighting off a predator. Yeah, so they just come at it, yeah. Wow. Isn't that wild? Yeah.

Anyway, you've written a script, noodling. Yeah. Two scripts, one for the movie, one for the series. Yeah. We're to do both. Yeah, yeah. You know, we're going to make noodling happen. I hope so.

I hope so. But I, you know, have you ever eaten catfish? Oh, yeah. See, because I don't know that I want to eat a fish that's been fisted down the throat. I don't know if that will affect the taste. It's very bony, though, catfish. Often you are. But I mean, really?

My memory of eating catfish is you're pulling out bones the whole time. Because I, okay, I lied. I do eat catfish. It's one of my favorites, and I never get bones. The fillets are delectable. Here in L.A., they filet a little bit better than they do in Missouri, I guess. Yes. That's the last place I ate catfish was probably in Missouri. But how many years ago before, yeah.

It's going to be, it's going to be, it's going to be 40 years ago. So before knives were really perfected. Yeah, yeah. You're right, it was a stone, it was a, it was a sharpened stone piece. A stone, stone tool. So, yeah. Tool. Tool, crawl, tool.

And they would, they would fillet them into the crawl. Oh, God. They throw fish heads down there just to ward off the stench. Where? From the corral. Oh, they throw fish heads down in the crawl state. No, I put my fish heads down there. Don't go down there.

Fish heads. Ding, Dong, the witch is dead. Tell everyone where we met, though, guy. This is going to be a treat for folks. The first time was on that movie set, correct? Yeah, what movie? Tell the gang. Wag the dog.

Wag the dog. So we meet on Wag the dog. Put up movie poster here. There you go. Yeah. So I get there that morning. Were you nervous that day? It was my first movie.

It was your first movie. I didn't know that. I had done SNL the year before. Yeah. It was my first movie. I didn't know that. Yeah. And I was so happy I got cast.

Okay, let me set it up. We walk on to set. This movie Wag the Dogg the dog. We walk on set. And Robert De Niro's there, Dustin Hoffman, Kristen Dunst, David Mamet, Barry Levinson. Barry Levinson's directing.

Yeah. And this guy, just to establish, sometimes actors like to establish their territory. They like to, you know, turf out. This guy goes up and round houses, De Niro, right in the throat. Just cruise lined up. This guy, De Niro's like, how are you doing there, David? And he just.

I did say hi to Robert De Niro that morning. You did? I was so nervous. I said, hi, I'm Dave. He goes, I'm Bob, and he kept walking. He didn't shake your hand? No, no. Did you put your hand out?

I don't think so. Oh, thank God. to be, I thought it was going to be high, I'm David, we're going to have the three, six, you know, three minute conversation probably in my head. I'm Bob, I'm like, oh, he doesn't want to be bothered. Then I'm thinking like, he's really into character. Yeah, thank God you didn't put your hand out. So anyway, we're shooting in a studio in LA, wag the dog. It's a political satire written by David Mamet. And I'm thinking because it's David Mamet, everyone's going to be like on commas, on periods, like with a mammoth script, you do, though, you do his words, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about that. You know, just go, go off on it. Yeah. And you are a dog trainer. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And I am a commercial director who's been brought in to shoot a fake scene from a war because they want to get the country to go to war, but they had to show some reason.

Yeah, they fabricated a war. Exactly. That's a shorter sentence. And it was helped, it was to try. A unseat a president, right? I think so. Yeah. So then you and I, that's the first time we meet.

I was like, oh, thank God, this guy, you're a comic. You were fucking funny. Yeah. But I remember you fucking made me laugh so hard right away. What did I do? You said Lapsa Apso, the way you said it. Remember how you said it? Lapsa Apso.

He goes, what kind of dog is that? Lapsa Apsa. Oh, you know, oh, that's one hair to Lapsa Apsa. And I was like, oh, my God, I can't ever be this funny. but that's what it was right yeah yeah yeah did I say it wrong no no you said it right oh it's just the way I said it yeah yeah kind of the way you enunciate crawl I did it's a lapse a episode yeah yeah so how wild is that it's your first movie it's probably maybe my fourth or fifth movie yeah and but walking on set me and you we were definitely the guys with it you know we probably had equal roles that were

four or five pages each or something. We walk onto the set with De Niro, Dustin Hoffman, Kristen Dunst, all these A-list, triple A-list players. It was pretty intimidating. I was nervous. I was kind of glad you were there too because it was like, I was like, oh, here's a funny guy. It's probably the same vibe you had.

Like, I don't have to worry about like an A-list Oscar-winning. These are Oscar-winning guys. Well, I think you and I spoke a little bit before the scene. started. Yeah. And we're joking around. We said howdy, yeah. Right. And I think you had seen me on SNL the year before. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I loved it. Yeah. You know all the kids in the hall guys and all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, so we had some mutual friends. So we were kind of paling around a little bit. Yeah. So that made me feel a level of comfort. But then the casting director who cast me was there. And I was like, in my head being nervous, like, I had to do a good job for her so she'll

cast me again. You know, that she goes through your head. You think one movie leads to another. But often it's... Plus, the role was so inconsequential. Like, no one's going to go. Who played the director guy? Yeah, same with me. Yeah. It's like, so what?

But to be there, like, I was in Vegas when this movie came up. I was doing stand-up in Vegas. And my agent at the time called me or emailed me or something and said, hey, they want you to be in this movie. I didn't even... I love it when I don't have to audition, when they just want me. I'm like, so they want you to be... And at this point, my movie career was just...

just starting, like I was starting to get lead roles and co-starring, like, good stuff. And they go, yeah, they want me to be in this movie. We're FedExing you the script. So I get it. And it's like, I'm on five pages. Right. And I could write them back. I guess I was a little bit snooty.

But I was doing bigger roles. So I said, no, I'm not doing a movie with five pages. And he goes, it's with De Niro, Hoffman, Mammitt, all the, and I said, what time do you want me there? I know, right. Yeah. It was wild. I think mine was the same thing where I don't think I auditioned. It was like they were putting comic actors in a bunch of different roles like that.

And it was like, wow, you got this thing. Of course, then you start thinking that in my head, that's how Hollywood works. They just start giving you things. Yeah, right. I think I had like 15 lines or something like that total. Of course I counted him. Really? You know I had 14, right?

I remember the first take was it was a steady cam shot. So they go into you and Dustin Hoffman asking what kind of dog that is. Then they pull out and they go for this walk with a steady camera. And I didn't know what the fuck was going on. And so also Dustin Hoffman's son was in the picture. He put him in there as his assistant or something like that because he was a movie producer. And I remember he was right there. And I didn't know I was supposed to walk along with them to stay in the shot.

and also Dustin Hoffman jumped three of my lines. Oh, come on. And I didn't know what to do. Yeah, I have a similar story. I'll tell you after yours. Yeah, but it jumped three of my lines. Of course, I'm going, wait a minute, now I'm down to 10 lines. Hold on.

Whoa. And you can't say anything because it's a tootsie. It's a freaking tootsie. Yeah, I, uh, you missed, you jumped me a little bit, bro. Yeah. Hey, Dusty, roll it back, Nacho. Yeah. Okay, you talk, then I talk.

Yeah. Then you talk, then I talked. What you did was you talk and then you walked away. Uh-uh, bro. And ain't the way she goesies. Yeah, this is an Oscar night, Oscar winner. Easy Tutsi. Easy Tutsi.

Roll up the dress. How about Cleveland? Remember that line? Remember fake titties, baby? Listen, hon. Get lost. I didn't know what a steady cam shot was. Whoa, yeah, I probably didn't either.

So I didn't know I was supposed to trailer. I think someone kind of told me, you know, because it wasn't like the first A.D. Normally a first A.D. will kind of tell you, we're doing this, then this and this. That wasn't happening. I think everybody was pretty stressed out because there was such star power going on. Well, and don't forget, let me set it up. So the whole stuff we shot was on, it was a sound stage, but the scene was on a sound stage. So you were directing everything. And then I was one of the animal wranglers. So everyone was together. So it was you there, Dustin Hoffman there. And me there with Dustin. De Niro here, Kristen Dunst. We were all for the whole shoot. We were there

two, three days, I think. Yeah. And so you at least said hello to De Niro. I was of the, I've always been of the mindset. You know, whenever someone's a big, a big player, I'm like, you know what, if they want to talk to me, they can talk. I don't want to, I don't want to do anything. So my scenes, all my dialogue was right here with Dustin. That made me happen. That made me happen. I was actually acting with Dustin Hoffman. And I'll tell you the story I had with him. So De Niro was standing probably about eight feet away for the whole time. And day one didn't even say a word to him.

He didn't say a word to me. And I was like, that's cool. He's the biggest actor in the world. And then day two, there was a moment where still hadn't said anything. And I was on my mark waiting for Dustin to come over. and I look over and De Niro just did one of these. You know, he did the nod at me and I just went right back and that was it. We never talked and I could have been happier.

It was almost cooler that we never said a word. So anyways, same thing with Dustin, right? So I have my scene with Dustin and we had quite a bit of dialogue and we did it once. Levinson goes action and then and then we do it again. Justin goes to me, and I can't do his voice. You know, I don't, I didn't go to derive for impressions. Look for English. Hey, everybody.

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Don't throw your back out. And cut. Is this the podcast over now? It is, but let's keep talking off the air just so I can finish the story. So we go to do the scene again, and Dusty, before we do it, Dustin goes, okay, this time, why don't we do this, this, and I'll say this, you say that, I'll do this, and I'll do that. And I'm just sitting there going, okay, yeah, okay, Mr. Hoffman, yeah. And so we, they yell action, we do the scene. we go through all the dialogue, they yell cut and dusting just looks at me, he goes,

you didn't do one thing I asked you to do. And I looked at him and I said, Mr. Hoffman, I'll be totally honest. I'm so in awe that I'm here acting with you. I didn't hear a word you said. And that's for real. And he just looks at me, he goes, okay, do it this time. And that was it. It was just like, did you do it the next time?

I don't think I did. I was so discombobulated, like to be, like it was like, it was like, it was like, You came from a small town. I came from, whenever you're from Canada, it feels like a small town. So here's this kid from the suburbs of Toronto. I grew up watching this guy, Kramer versus Kramer, Tootsie, all the, and now I'm acting with Dustin Hoffman. It just, it's frazzled my mind.

I know. You're there, and your heart's jumping out of your throat. Yeah. And because it was, I was sort of new in the movie scene too, I was, I was just like. We say the movie game, but go ahead. The what now, hey? The movie game. Who, how?

What now? It's called the movie game, but okay. No thanks. I'm busy for the rest of my life. I've got a five-line part for you. What time I'm back. But here's the other part. You know, he didn't have the right to tell you how to do the scene.

That's the director's job. I know. It's not like Barry Levinson. Who's Barry Levinson? Yeah, right. It's not like this is a first-time director that Dustin Hoffman can run over. Yeah. You know, go, I'm going to tell this kid.

Here's how we're going to do it. Yeah. It's Barry fucking Levinson. Okay? So maybe you asked Barry Levinson how he wants it done. And then we do it that way. Because David Mamet wrote the fucking script. Are we not going to do it the way David? Because we didn't do it the way David Mamet wrote the fucking script.

And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? I was really confused. And a little disheartened like, uh-huh. And then, you know, it all pushed past so fast. You know what? Now that you've mentioned it, like you're bringing back all the memories, I do remember being a little, like, even though I was the underlaying. do remember because, you know, I'd done stand. I'd done a lot of stuff. I hadn't done something at that

magnitude, but I also in my head, I go, geez, this is a little bit pushy. This is like, who are you to be telling me? It's funny. I remember that now. Yeah, I know you're a big actor. Great. Yeah. But there is protocol here. Yeah. The director's the guy. Yeah. That tells me if we're changing shit out. Yeah. Not you. And plus, I can't, like, he didn't just go, okay, there's time when we do it. When I say yellow, you say green. Right. He was. He, like, he, like, pretty much rewrote the whole scene on the fly, and I'm just like, wait, that's like 40 different things, Tutsi. Yeah.

Like, tighten your girdle, adjust your bra, and go take a tampon break. Tutsi wanted to talk more. Damn. Yeah. I had another scene with them later in the editing booth. Yeah. Editing the footage we shot, right? Yeah.

And I'd never seen this since. Them spent, I kept going back, I got three weeks of work out of because it took them so long to shoot that scene. Oh, cool. Because the DP was cutting, I've never seen since, breaking up mirrors and placed him on this black tape to get the right reflection he wanted. Oh, gosh. One Oscar's this guy, the DP. But I remember just like, what the, was he the DP or the lighting guy? The DP. Who is the lighting guy? But pushing, you know, literally breaking up mirror, right? Yeah. Putting in that, you know, the gobby black tape they use. Yeah. And just to get like this different reflection, I've never seen it since. and I know this much, it wasn't fucking necessary, but I know it took forever, and then I was...

Can I, but can I just interjeton to tell you how I do that as a D.P? Please do it. Two words, hang disco ball. That's it, baby. You hang the disco ball. You either spin it or you don't. Anyway, I remember this. So we're in an editing bay, right?

So we're supposed to be watching monitors. Can you just say that again? I do you hang a disco ball. I either spin it or you don't in the crawl. Wow. I remember we're sitting there. He keeps taking all this time. Dustin Hoffman's here.

Yeah. Bob De Niro, Bob, Robert knows on the other side of him. Can you just say Robert? Because he did brush past you. I don't think you've earned the Bob thing. Robert De Niro. Yeah, when a guy just whisked by you when you see. You don't get to say, Bob.

Okay. Can you just stop? Mr. De Niro. Can you please? Thank you. So De Niro is there. There's a cocky little thing, aren't you? Between De Niro and Hoffman, and it's Hoffman, then it's me. And I remember I'm looking like this, like I'm watching the editing cut, right?

Your hands are like that? Yeah. Because to me that looks like you're lining up for a new headshot. Like one of those real horrible ones like, can I grab some stills off this later? Can I act? for you? Can I grab some stills off this later? No, thanks. I'm busy. Yeah, so then what happened? Like, you'd be sitting there watching a monitor. You might be resting

your head. Yeah. But then I'm, I didn't realize I'm stuck there now for all of the scene. I didn't realize that's my first movie, right? So I had to stay there. For continuity. For continuity the whole time. And the DP wouldn't ever speak to me because the first day I asked him a question. By the way, can you just stop being unselfish and tell the people what DP is. Oh, it's Director of Photography. I mean, Guy. These are lay people watching.

These aren't stars like you. These are lay people. It's the person who's responsible for the look of the film, right? And the short thing is the DP. Director of Photography. So oftentimes it's the director. Yeah. But oftentimes he'll also be the lead cameraman.

Sometimes he's not. The LC? Yeah. But he's the guy that lights it up, right? He's the guy who decides where the lights go, all this shit. Okay, Jesus. What's this thing? What's the crucifix play?

I don't think you can understand unless I widely just think you late. Well, you know, this isn't Marcel Marceau's podcast. This is mine. Your camera can't even get my whole enormity. I know, but it's so. I'll do it like this for you. On the third day, he rose from the dead. Right?

Okay. Do you believe? I do. Okay, Thomas. The train? Doubting Thomas. Oh, I thought you meant... You don't know your Bible.

Well, Jesus used to watch Thomas the train. Of course he did. He invented it. Do you know who doubting Thomas is? Yes. Okay. I thought you understood... Wait.

You understood the crawl space joke. Yeah. I said, okay, Thomas. You didn't get that one. Doubting Thomas. Oh, Jesus Christ. I hope you edit this out. Well, let's go, Charlie.

I probably won't because this gives people a rare glimpse into your angry attitude. So I'm leaving it all in So they can see the real Zachary The real DP So I forget who's the DP's name is Yeah He's like a famous guy

And he's a he's won some metal So every element of that movie Was like high level Like even the DP was an Oscar winner I didn't even know that What are Olson's in it remember? Oh yeah And everyone was in it

Yeah yeah Willie Nelson's in it Oh God Yeah man So Was his teeth in it? Yeah Okay.

I didn't realize Willie Nelson was in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's two movies I've done with Willie, and you've done two. Yeah, yeah. Because I did one of the Dukes of Hazard movies, and so did you. Yeah. And Willie was in both. Wait, there was another Dukes of Hazard movie?

Oh, you're going to drop the DVD one on me. Okay, sorry I did it straight to DVD. Dukes of Hazard 3. Dukes of Hazard 2 over here. Going to run up on me and do a rambo. Just because you weren't flattened out. and stuck in a DVD. You got a crap all over Harlandtown.

No, is there a, no, you're fucking around. I'm not fucking around. There's a Duke's, again, movie poster here. I'm going to put it up. And again, people are going to see your attitude. People are going to see your ego higher than Mount St. Helens before she, she tiggered. When we do noodling, my name is above yours.

I know it is. It always is. All right. And that's not easy for me, but Guy, you're a friend. It's not about friendship. Well, it's about positioning. Yeah, and sometimes that's hard on me. So I had spoken to the DP earlier that week

because I didn't know who to report to on the stage, right? Because it was the first time. And I asked him a question, a really innocent question, and he was so put off by, he's like, over there. Really? You gave you two? I would dain to ask him a question about where I'm supposed to go. You would what?

Dane to ask him a question. Dane? Yes. I was an English teacher at Dvry, and you're throwing, Dane is a British royalty, like it's a lower position on the, he Dained to, he pranced to talk to me. Now, you put that up next to your crawl on your podcast.

I think Dane was a misstep guy. I don't think so. I think you used the wrong word. I don't think so. That's like me saying. I went to the store and drove my lasagna when I should have said car. Friend of yours? I'm talking to your imaginary son.

My son is here. Yeah, okay. So is mine. It's an intransitive verb to condescend reluctantly and with a strong sense to the affront to one superiority that is involved. Hold on. It was the perfect word to you. If you could just hold your pink phone up a little higher.

Yeah. Do you want to know why? pink? We're off topic. I think we know. I think we know. Two reasons. Woody Harrelson. Two reasons. Number one, I can't see anymore. So if this is any other color, I'm like, where the fuck's my phone? Right? That's right. Pink. And this one, I was at Target with my kids shopping. And this one was $17. And the only other ones that fit were $27 or $32. I'm like, who cares? I'll get the pink one. And you would deign to interrupt me. Well, just right there by saying, who cares? I understand reluctantly and with a strong sense of the affront to one superiority that is involved.

So that I did exactly use actually the right word. Again, putting me down. Putting me down in front of my fan base on my podcast. You're the one who said, uh-oh, Kekner, you misstepped in front of your millions of fun. And a polite guest that wasn't trying to crush me in front of my fan base would have said, yes. That was, wow. Yes. Father Williams.

Wow. But you called me out. You said, I think that's a misstep guy. Guy, a gracious giving friend would have let it roll. But you pummeled me. You pulled up the Oxford King's Dictionary and raped me. You, no, I didn't. Because if I had attempted to, you mentioned earlier, you have a rape whistle on you.

And if you thought that was happening, you would have pulled out your rape whistle, and you would have blown it. And so now you get me again. Now we've got Carolina walking sideways down the street going, who, who, no, it's, hoo-hoo-hoo. That's for Harlan. Okay. So, here we go. He was upset that I had spoken to him. The DP.

Right. And so I'm sitting there, and I'm stuck in that position, and a couple of things happened. Later, so he realized, I think what he thought that day was I was just an extra, and he didn't want to have to deal with an extra. Then he realized, like, oh, he's in the movie. And on the next week that I came back, because they didn't get this scene shot, which was incredibly, like, it wasn't that big a scene. He goes, yeah, just for future reference, you probably don't want to get stuck in a position like that, which I kind of appreciate it.

Yeah, that was nice. That was a hot tip. So, anyway, I'm so nervous. I still can't talk, nor just, like, have a conversation with Dustin Hoffman or De Niro. Yeah. And there's a guy between them that I still don't know who he is, but he was having a nice conversation with Dustin. Austin Hoffman the whole time, like over the next week and a half or whatever it was, we were there over the three weeks.

We like work two days one week, two days another. So I got three weeks of full work. Wow. And I remember this. They were getting along. And as they got along more, I got more and more into my head just going, oh, what can I say? I should say something. Don't say anything. Oh, no, don't say that. You know how you just start going in your house. You were figuring how you could get into the club. And then Dustin's going on to that movie that's about, you know, a virus or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. A pandemic would never happen. It wouldn't happen in real life. That monkey thing. Yeah, yeah, where he had the hazmat suit on. And he told that guy, like, I'm going to get you a job.

Outbreak. Outbreak, okay. Yeah, which is also a teenage acne movie. Yeah. Anyway, he gave this guy, he's like getting this guy a job. And I'm like, oh no, what the, I'm doing it all wrong. I'm doing this thing wrong. I spoke to the wrong guy.

I don't know what all this glass is about down here. I said, I didn't hear ill. He wouldn't say hello to me. The casting director will never speak to us all going through the head, right? Do you want to hear what really paid it off for me, though? What? Because I was in the same boat. Like, as I said, I wasn't going to talk to anyone, right?

But by this time, I had done dumb and dumber and a few other movies. So I think it was day three. Dustin and I did our scene, and he would just go back to his chair. He had a chair over right, right near where Barry Levinson was. And so in between, like when we were waiting for action, we'd be standing literally closer than me and you are. And there was no chit-chat. He was just kind of looking at his script or doing something.

He didn't make any effort to be sociable. And I was like, I get it. Right. I get it. I'm low on the chain here. And on day three, it was probably, I don't know, we'd probably been there like two hours. And you mentioned that his young son was there.

His son was probably about, what, 15 or 16 at the time? Something like, seemed like a teenager. Right. So I'm on my mark getting ready to do another scene with Hoffman. And I'm going over my script. I'm on my mark because, you know, I like to be right where I'm going to be acting so I can, in my head, I'm going, should I move this way? Should I look at that?

You know, I want to know what's there. Because their method, I'm going to be method. My method may be with a hockey helmet on, but it's a method. He's from Canada. So I'm standing there doing my thing, and I'm still feeling all this intimidation, and I'm feeling out of place, but I'm loving it, too, because it's like, how lucky are we? We're in Hollywood. We're in Hollywood with the two biggest stars at the time.

And so I'm standing there and kind of out of the corner of my eye, look up, and there's Hoffman over there, now with this young boy, and I didn't know it was his son. And I'm standing there, and I look over, and they both go like that, like almost like out of invasion of the body. I was like, you know that scene. And they're pointing at me. And now I'm like, oh, no, what did I do?

Maybe he's pissed about the improv fuck up that I did, right? All of a sudden, his son and him come rolling over, a fast gate, not a leisurely walk, fast gate for me. Okay. Something you didn't get. This use of gate, but anyway. You got a blow by and I got. You do.

Well, so Hoffman and Hoffman Jr. I don't even know what the kid's name was. It's a junior. Let's call him Carl's Jr. He probably has a drive-thru growing out of the side of his face. Like a growth. You love to be a dildo tester, but go on. So they come flying over and I'm saying,

I'm going, oh, no, he's going to ream me for not doing the improv properly. He walks up to me with his son and they're looking at it. But now Hoffie's got this kind of like star-struck look in his eyes. And I'm like, what the fuck? He goes, he goes, were you there? a cop and dumb and dumber that drank the pee? And I went, yeah. And they, dude, this guy lit up. Oh, thank God. The sun lit up from that moment, Hoffman wouldn't stop talking to me. When we were standing there, it was like we knew each other. I don't know. He must have loved me

in that movie. Sure, who does it? And when the movie was, when I was wrapped, he made me, called me, hugged me, he goes great, like, like, I felt like I knew him for like 12 years. Wow. So it went from silence for two and a half days to by the end of it, we might as well have been tucked into a Walmart sleeping bag up on the side of Brokeback Mountain. How big was your part in outbreak?

About nine inches. I mean, ask Mary Ann. She used me as a model. Oh, shit. That's perfect and amazing. Apparently this son didn't watch Saturday Night Live.

because I didn't get the point. You got to drink a bottle of pee to really get any notoriety here in this town. But I just to remember, I mean, that is where I fell in love with you. Then I think we did see each other two years later at Montreal, right, for the comedy festival, didn't we or not? No, next time we saw each other was we were at an audition in Hollywood for Charlotte's Web. Oh, my God. With Julia Roberts.

And that was enough because everyone was. so intense. You got to remember, you go to these Hollywood auditions and guys are lining up their years income. They're lining up their next kind of big profile, Julia Roberts movie. So we were there and I showed up in overalls and then you were there and everyone was sitting there kind of tense and me and you immediately just started goofing. And then you go in, they take you in. I'll never forget this man. And I don't blame. I sat down and I was waiting and one of the producers comes out. And all the other actors are sitting there on the couch and the waiting. You're in there doing your thing. I think I'm up after you or something or in two more. And the producer in front

of all of me goes, Harland, thank you for coming in. We love you, man. Don't worry. This is yours. This is yours. Don't worry. Thanks for coming in. This is just a formality. And all the other actors sitting there went, and then one of them got so pissed, he goes, hey, man, what the fuck did we come in for and then you're giving it to this guy like one of the guys got and i don't blame him the fucking hillbilly the hillbilly the guy in the crawl space outfit and and then the producer got all like holly was oh no man what i meant to say was and then i got awkward for me and then and then i went in and blew the audition i was like weirded out and half of me was like oh i feel horrible And then the other half of me was like, it's like, I feel weird that he said that, you know?

Of course. It's way out of protocol. Yeah, because part of me was like, oh, well, if I'm already their guy, I don't have to do such a good reading. Right, right. So that was the second time we met. And then. Do you remember what the part was? Because I don't remember what I, I remember that going there and seeing you, I don't remember what I read for.

I think there's a high probability since all of Charlotte's Webber. takes place on a farm. Pretty high chance. A farmer guy? Yeah, something like that. I don't think you're going to be a Russian ballerina. I don't think you're going to be a Wall Street lawyer. Nobody with his suit.

It was a movie about a talking pig, a talking spider, and Julia Roberts on a farm. And a farmer. And what's his name? Is the farmer who did a wonderful job? Who? The gentleman. Who is the guy in the overalls? You're thinking of babe.

I am thinking of a baby. Yeah. Anyway, you're right. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't get that, whatever. And you didn't either, which is, that's so messed up that they, or you didn't. I didn't get it.

I didn't even get a callback. But I have a feeling because, you know, in Hollywood, everyone's so central, it's like, we better not hire Harlan now just so we don't get blowback. I could see that happening. You know, I'll say this too, though. Please say it. room. If you did just hear that. So their response was, I'm mad now because I've been brought in under false pretense. It doesn't matter. You're still brought in. Yeah. So guess what?

They think they want the guy. Now you should double down in your head. That's right. You know what? Uh-uh. I'm going to app. Now I'm free. Now I'm free to go have my audition and just have practice at auditioning because we all need more practice at auditioning. But we all, like you said, We're also sensitive and keyed up going, this is my break and this, I'm going to use this money that I don't ever have to have a second job and then I get a new car, all that shit that has nothing to do with the moment you're in, which means you have no possibility ever getting it because you're not really here doing your job. See, that's the fighter spirit in you that I wanted people to see on this podcast. Those are the reason you brought me on. It really was because up until now you've been condescending, you've been kind of towering over me. Why would I deign to be such attitude one?

But no, I'm serious. I like that fighting spirit because that's probably why you're so successful because a lot of people don't go into that next gear. And I'm being serious that what you just said now, I loved hearing you say that because that's part of what made you, I can tell, makes you be successful. Well, I don't, well, trust me, I don't always make that choice of like I'm going to rise above it.

Oh, okay. I'm, you know, sometimes you can't, that choice is available to us. I have been at an audition where I saw a couple of big actors' names up for the same part. Yeah. And I do remember this. I remember I thought, why should I audition for this, right? Oh, okay. And then I saw two major actors' names on the list.

What were they? What were the names? I'll tell you. Why not? Just because, out of fairness, I just don't want it to. I would deign that you tell me. I don't want to. Okay.

Yeah, I'm going to throw them in there. I'll tell you why, because I got the part. That's why. It's done. It's history, guys. But I just remember seeing their names there, and I thought to myself, oh, fucking calm down, Kekner. These guys are going in and auditioning. Don't you get in your fucking head going,

Oh, so you went to that next gear and got it, knowing they were in the running. Oh, yeah. Wow. See, now even more, I'm going back to what I just said. I thought, just knocked out, get rid of your fucking ego. Yeah. Because you always think, like, I'm bigger than this.

They should just offer it to. Yeah, yeah, that's right. We all wanted to be offered to us because of our ego. Yeah. But these motherfuckers walked in and did it, and they had a bigger career than I did at the time. And I thought, okay. So wait, now I need to switch gears and get into the psychology.

And you don't have to tell me their names, but it's interesting to me that you don't want to say their names, even though the ship has sailed. Okay. It was just out of respect, because I don't want to make it sound like, oh, I got the part. But what if a nosy, pushy,

host was forcing you to, not forcing you, but really prodding you. They probably don't care. It was George went and Harry Shearer. You prick. How dare you? What a snobby son of a, you know what? Get out. Get your fake son and your fake daughter. Whoever's here with you, Guy, I'd walk. I would, if I knew this wasn't a fake podcast, but I know it is a fake podcast, so it doesn't even, there's probably a trap door. I'm going to go be swimming with the catfish. very soon. Oh, God. I'm going to know. Yeah. Oh, yes. Sally at the Dildo Factor. We have the poster for noodling. That's great. So, but anyway, I remember thinking I should just, you know, get it. Yeah. And then these guys are in there. They came in and auditioned. It was like,

did that push you harder, though, to really, like, did you go into a new gear or were you like, kind of, I'll just coast. No, it was just like, calm down. Just go do your job. Go do your job and be grateful that you're getting the opportunity. It's not about your goddamn ego. Yeah. Just get the opportunity. There it is. So in a way, their presence put you into a headspace where you just kind of went, like you did switch gears to some degree. I think so. It sounded like you went in kind of like, I should be getting this. You saw their names and you went, okay, now let's compete. No, I didn't work really hard on the audition. Oh, good. I really did. I worked really hard on the audition, just because, like, I wanted it, you know. Yeah. It was, so, um,

I knew what I was going to be doing. Yeah. But I think probably realizing that means I probably didn't go on like with any fucking attitude. Yeah. Or, you know, you know, it's just, when you're not grateful. Yeah, yeah. You got to be grateful. Yeah. You got to be grateful. We've talked about this before. Yeah, yeah. And by the way, just back to the, the, the naming the actors, it's, it's not disrespectful because it, look, we're in a town where everybody's fighting for the same parts. And if anything, I bet the guys would watch this if they said, they go, good for that guy. He beat me. It's like sports. It's like the best guy gets drafted for the team or for the part. And I find, I don't think I've ever had any sour grapes with anyone, knowing that I saw them

there and then they got the part. It's like, I go, they were supposed to. It's not like I took the part. The producers saw what they liked, so please don't feel like that. I hope this helps calm you because when you lay in bed at night in your purple satin sheets and you have that hot oval team beside you and you're watching Sally Jesse Raphael on flat screen. I've never told you the color of my sheets. To the words, peeping Tom ring a bell, peeping Tom, neighborhood watch. Ovalteen, routine. I've not told you those things.

How would you know that? I don't need to be told when I take with my eyes. I watch through your window, I stand in the bushes, I know about the birthmark on your inner thigh. I know someone has been watching me. You know, they reveal these things like years later, they say that so-and-so was Hemingway. I read the other day, Hemingway was paranoid

that the FBI was watching him. And then years later, when they did a release of information, indeed, the FBI watched watching him, I wrote my diary yesterday, which you probably know that. I feel like someone's watching. I feel like it's a Canadian. Wait a minute. Why would Mariel Hemingway be thinking the CIA was watching her?

No, her grandfather. Who now? Archie. We're on the topic of auditions here, gang. And what was one of your worst auditions, do you remember? Because there's one that just stood out where you're like, oh, my God. Whether it... Oh, I know it.

You got it? Yes. We got to hear it. It was for Gary Shandling. Okay. His show. What was the name of his show? The last one,

The Gerasia. Was it the sitcom or the late night mockery? Okay, yeah. That one. And it's an episode where they're bringing in people, kind of like that Seinfeld episode where there's a different iteration of them. Yeah.

So I'm going to play Jeffrey Tambor's part, right? Okay. And I only seen the show like once or twice, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go in and I'm supposed to do that, Hey, now, because I'm supposed to play an alternative of Jeffrey Tambor or something. Hey, now's a lot like crawl.

Right? Yeah. So I just remember I'm doing the audition and I'm getting nothing. Oh, that was a lot like crawl. It was like you just feel the room just going. Nothing. And Gary Shandling says. Oh, he's there?

Oh, yeah. Oh. He goes, wow. That was amazing. You just kept going. He said it. Like condescending? No, no.

Like praising. Kind of like, no, just speaking the truth of the moment. Okay. Wow, you just kept you, he said, you are getting nothing. But you just kept going. You know, you're not going to get it. He said that? Yeah, yeah.

Because no, no. It was just like, it was sweaty. Nightmare, yeah. Yeah, just like, I had zero take on it, I guess, that they wanted at all. Almost like, oh, this guy. is he's brought a hammer to a basketball game. Yeah. And he thinks he's going to build something.

We're going to play a game. I mean, just, it must have been just so completely not what they wanted. I just remember him staring at me. And he goes, wow. He was actually kind of, did appreciate that I just kept going. The effort, yeah. He was in awe because a lot of people probably would have known when to stop, but you kept, and this is for real.

This is a compliment. That's the cool thing about improv. actors like you have a big strong background and improv you keep going to you find it yeah and in an audition sometimes you don't have the runway yeah to get off the ground yeah yeah but you kept rolling down the runway and he was probably like wow he everyone in the room was probably i would have stopped about 90 seconds ago i i i can i commend that i don't because i'm like what are you going to do dude you just got two free coupons for the dildo factory i'm i commend that The stamp.

Yeah. Tested by Caroline. So you, you hated it. You were. Well, I didn't hate it. I was, it was, it was your worst audition. You're stunned. It hurts your soul a little bit.

Yeah. You know, but the fact that he said, you know, kind of, he didn't go good for you. He didn't go way to go. Yeah. It was like, but I know that he was impressed that I kept going. So I'll say, like, whatever. And then you're kind of, you're bummed out. You're really bummed out.

Because, I mean, I got nothing. I don't think I've ever been to audition where I got nothing. You know, Wow. At least like, you know. And in front of a comedy legend like Shandling. That's,

that's, uh, yeah, that's, that's the brutality of showbiz. They will never have me in again, right? You know that.

You're like, oh, no, no, nothing. Are you saying that because he's dead? Actually, yeah.

A lot of people just found out, oof. Yeah. Probably won't be going back in starting about nine. years ago, guy? Good morning. But you know what I'm saying? Just like, you realize like,

well, that door is shut to me forever. I mean, for whatever, any possibility of whatever he's doing ever that he's in a producer, I was like, well, of course. Well, he's passed away, I think he's deceased. In heaven, he still probably won't talk to me if there isn't one, but I mean, if there was one. And for your captain. In heaven, he's probably going, God, I hope that guy just keeps living and living and living.

so he doesn't come up here and continue his monologue. I'll go to God and say, can you just put him in hell? I mean, I put him there for a minute. You should just keep him there. Watch him in hell. God, rewatch his audition with me. Because, you know, God, as a reel of all the auditions. Yeah. Isn't it a given you're going to hell for Corumpus, though?

I think we know this. No, it's my only chance of going to heaven. All right, what's your worst audition? Oh, okay, okay. Turn it and around on the kid. Okay. Here's my worst audition. There was a show called My Name is Earl.

Did you ever do anything on that? It was a sitcom on NBC. I know. People thought like, you're on that, right? Yeah. Who was it? Jamie Lee Curtis was the lead guy? Bobby Lee, something Lee.

Jason Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis's bastard son. Just Jason Lee, but yes. Jason from Friday. 13th Bruce Lee Curtis chipmunk movies yeah so I go in to they're doing this thing and it was a successful prime time show I think it went like five seasons or something huge show but you don't know that when you're going in so I go in down to down to Hollywood here to audition at I think it was the Radford studios down in Studio City and you know that

it's a big intent that's where they shot Seinfeld and everything. A lot of great shows. Yeah, you've got to go in through the gate and all the, all the giant sound stages are in there. It's intimidating. Now, you're on the lot where there's a bunch of successful sitcoms being shot on that lot. Right. Yes. And then all these successful producers have their offices up in all the little bungalows. So it's an intimidating process just to go. So I go to read for the lead role of Earl. Oh, this is just the casting of it. This is the casting of it. Well, audition. Right, right. That's what you said, right. No, I thought, yeah, yeah, I thought you were auditioning for, as the show was going already. But no, this is for the original pilot. Auditioning.

Guy, you know, do we need to stop? Do you need some pills or some lemonade, some Newman's own? Do you need a dildo? Do you need? Quick, pop. Woo! Okay, so you're auditioning for the pilot of my name is Earl. I'm auditioning, yes.

Remember you asked me what my worst? audition was or my worst podcast was this will never air anyway it won't air it won't air uh so I go in for my name is Earl and I go upstairs to this you know these producers have these kind of almost creepy

bungalows where there's couches it's probably where the term casting couch came from because there's couches and gross old shag carpet from the 70s they smell a bit like Dolly Parton's cleavage like just that kind of smells like relish and turnips and Poodle.

Yeah, a lot of poodle. And so I go in, and I've, by this time, I'm a little more seasoned. I've done a few sitcoms. I've done a bunch of movies. So I'm a little more seasoned, and I'm like, I hate going into auditions and just reading cold. It's like, okay, Harlan, how are you reading for the roll of Bob? Go ahead. I was like, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm out of my element. I need to, it's kind of like when we go on stage. You know, if you kind of have to spin your own space. You have to bring the people to your aura type of thing, right? Yep. So my gimmick was when I would go in, you always get the question. So I go in, it's the main producers, a man and a woman, just two of them. Maybe there was an assistant in there somewhere and a camera person.

But they always start with, hey, how are you, Harland? And I'd always be, oh, I'm great, and then it would be go right into the reading. And I've got no vibe. I've got no Harland energy, right? So my trick was, people go, how are you, Harland? And I'd go, oh, not so good. And they go, oh, what's wrong? And I said, well, and this is how I got them into my world.

I go on the way over here, I hit a dog. And they're like, oh, you hit a dog? And I go, yeah, and I go, yeah. And it bounced into a ditch. And they're like, oh, my God. And I said, yeah, then it bounced up. And it hit a little Korean boy on a bicycle. So I hit a dog and killed a dog and a boy on the way over here.

Now they're laughing. But I do it so slowly and, like, I play it so serious that I hook them. And now they're in the Harlan zone, right? And it worked like that. It made me feel good. It made me feel like I wasn't like on display. I was like, I've at least brought them into my energy now. You already had one win.

Yeah, and I've set them up. So now it's my headspace. So it worked all the time. I didn't always get the part, but at least it relaxed me and it put them in a fun headspace. So I go, I go. Yeah, on the way over here, I hit a dog. And the woman immediately goes, oh, my God, you hit a dog? And it was so intense that I was like, all of a sudden I was like, holy fuck.

And I'm like, and I go, yeah, she goes, oh, my God, is it okay? And I go, well, I think I just clipped it. I looked in the rearview mirror and I just clipped it. She goes, you mean you didn't stop? And she started crying. tears started coming down her face. She goes, she didn't stop. And I go, I go, so now I'm like, now I'm like, I got to tell them, but she was crying.

So I thought, I got to keep the lie going. And I go, no, it rolled down to a ditch. I think it was okay. I didn't do the Korean boy part. And she's fucking emotional. And finally I just had to go, hey, look, this is my method. I didn't hit a dog. By the way, I never got the role of Earl.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was, it was, it was my worst. It's pretty wild. So I'm telling you, tears. And you're like, oh, no. Oh, yeah. What am I going to do?

Plus, you're reading for the lead. The lead. Which means, potentially, I mean, houses, all, it's like, oh, five. Oh, huge. Network, NBC. show. Oh, yeah. There's a lot at stake.

I lost probably $500 million to a stupid Korean kid on a bike. Now, don't you think they probably had an offer out to Jason Lee? I don't know. Do you think he read for the part? You know what? I'll say this. And no, here's going back, not disrespecting, but Jason Lee wasn't like a big player at the time, so I don't know.

Yeah. And I think had I not been under emotional duress at that point, like, I was just like, it was gone. The ship was sinking. It was like watching the Titanic audition for a swimming pool. You know, it was just like glug, glug, glug. And so I didn't stand it. She's still drying her fucking eyes and I'm in the third soliloquy.

If my name is Earl even had soliloquies. Oh my God. So there it is. That's awesome. We're coming to the end. You know, it's so funny because I had a whole list of, you're going to have to come back. Okay.

Because I was going to ask you about the office. Yeah. We were going to talk about our relationship with Will Farrell and all the movies we've done with them. Anchorman, superstar. We were going to talk about so many things. But it's so funny how Wag the Dog took almost the whole show, which is kind of cool.

It was a big one for us. I mean, that was the first movie. It was pretty well. It was memorable. And to do it with at that level, like not just, not just, De Niro and all the actors, but Mammett was considered the, the writer in Hollywood. Levinson was top.

He had done Rain Man and he was, he was, he was an A-list across the board. And they threw us into it, which was an honor. And it was. But it was how we met. And it was, you know, that's where we can't, you talk about 12 year friends. I was like, oh, fuck, I love this guy forever. Yeah, yeah. And what's interesting is we shot it at a weird studio, rate,

across, right nearby in either the back of the studio or in front of it, was the Hollywood cemetery. Yeah, it wasn't a place I think I've been to since. Yeah, so it was a weird out of the way, like soundstage, and then you'd go out and there was this very old cemetery with a lot of the stars in it, and I thought, I hope me and David end up here one day, side by side. What if there's room? Let's go make room. Do you have a shovel? I do have a shovel. You know where I keep Are you planning to die soon? No, do you know I keep my shovel? Where?

In the crawl. Oh, wow. Way to bring it around, Goldie Hawn. Wow. You should be dained. We're going to end the show with a little feature that David loves. I love it. It's called words from a wooden shoe.

And what happens is it's not word association. There's words in here, or little, maybe tiny double words. You pull it out. and if it inspires a memory or a story you tell it. If it doesn't, you just go, we're done, podcast over. I'm going to dig into the shoe. It's a size 11. That's an original Dutch clog.

What is your word, David Kekner? The first time. Oh. We all think the first time you had a physical relations, right? Yeah, when and where, guy? I don't want to have my son's right here. Sure he is, sure. Is he the result of that first time?

No. the result of the first time. I think your son needs to hear this story in order to carry on the legacy. That's not a great story. It could be the first time anything. I mean, look at it. We talked the whole show about the, this is probably the first time we met, and we got a whole hour out of it.

Holy shit. Wait a minute. That's it. That's it. Throw it away. It was the whole, the whole podcast was about the first time we met. Can't beat that. We're done.

Wow. Yeah. Fuck yes. Great. That was pretty good. How'd that just pop? That's, wow. Okay.

That's pretty cool. That's very satisfying. That's what she said. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the Harland Highway. My special guest, David Kekner. Please plug anything that you want to plug, Galky. Just look on Instagram, just at David Kekner, K-O-E-C-H-N-R, and I'm doing 19 more shows this year all out of town,

all over the country. It's all on your website. All on the website or on Instagram. So check that out. Come see me. Love me some David Kekner. We're going to have David back if he'll come crawl out of the crawl space. And we'll talk about some of these other great stories.

And buddy, love you. Thanks for being here. And if your son is here, goodbye to him too.