The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #22 - JUSTIN MARTINDALE - We discuss movie monsters and stand up comedy!

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

Justin and I talk about some of the creepiest movie monsters of all time! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show Harland Williams Oh yeah, get the meatloaf ready, somebody cook up a flan We got a beautiful guest here today on the Harland Highway podcast Here he is, right here, he's probably the best-looking guest we've ever had Justin Martindale. Oh my God.

We did it. We did it. Dude, you look smashing. I mean, it's summer. Yeah, you are very summery. Can we talk about the ensemble? Because it is like Miami Vice meets Jesus of Masrith. Thank you.

With a flare of shrouded turin. And a little bit of Glendale Galleria. Just a touch of Pandexpress. And I can smell some orange Julius. Yeah, yeah. So what, but you tell me. I was going for like a like a, Like an elevated mall employee, but on vacation.

Yeah. You nailed it all. Wait, wait. Do mall employees even get vacations? Probably not, but this one can dream. You know? I want to work at like maybe like a banana republic where it feels like vacation. That's what I said when I came in here.

I was like this feels like vacation. Yeah. Just being around me feels like a vacation. It's like am I at a Tommy Bahama? Am I in Margaritaville? I know. I don't know the day's young. Look behind you.

It's like, where are you? Where are you, Miami Vice? God. Wait, I have to put these on. Oh, here we go. I'm ready to kill a hooker and Grand Theft Auto. Good Lord. Someone called Madonna and fry me up a diarrhea burger.

What's the difference? What does? Does that even mean? I don't know. I mean. Good Lord. Can we stop now, I think? Should we end it?

Thank you guys so much for having me. He was great. And we're done. Dude, I got to ask you because this happened to me the other day. Yes. And we're, you know, we're comedians. Justin's one of the funniest comedians you're going to see. Go see him.

And we're going to get all your info out later so people can follow you. But we're in the business of, making people laugh. Yeah. And this happened to me just the other day, and I don't know if you'll find it funny, but have you ever said anything to someone, like, out in public or even with friends or family? And it just made you, like, break up, like, just die laughing. Oh, yeah, I think so.

Is there anything you can remember that, and if you need a moment to think, I'll tell you my story. And if it inspires anything you might have been through, but I was at Staples the other day. And I'm just buying. The store? Yeah, I'm just buying stuff. You know, envelopes. Necessities. Yeah, clasps and a few chairs, swivel chairs.

They're still in my truck. They're not coming in the house. No, no. Keep them there. That's where they belong. Fuck them. I don't need things swiveling in my house. What am I a swinger?

I don't know. Yeah, I know. Can we say swivel anymore? Is that a canceled word? It sounds like it's on the verge. Yeah. Yeah. So I've in staples.

and I get a bunch of stuff, you know, just a collection of oddities. And I go up to the lady and, you know, she had the mask on, right? She had the COVID mask and she had these beautiful sort of Egyptian-like eyes, dark hair, like she's sort of attractive, probably like a mall worker, maybe working to become a mall worker, because when you're in a staples, probably the next step up is mall work. Yeah. So she was sort of pretty.

Yeah. And I walk up and I hand her the junk and she goes, sir, would you like to get the Staples Rewards card? And I was in a rush and I didn't want to, nowadays it only takes a second, but it used to take forever. And I just blurted. I said, oh, no, I can't. My sister's up at the graveyard digging your grave.

My sisters at the graveyard digging your grave? Oh, just digging your grave. digging a grave and she just looked at me she was so and after about 30 seconds she sort of got it was a joke but it wouldn't leave her and during the whole transaction she kept going is your sister oh it was just the weirdest thing but it made me laugh so i wondered if you ever had one that just set you off i think i've had the same um the same kind of thing i was in a best buy oh was getting my new computer because my old computer just hacked it so i was like i got to get a new one so I wouldn't got it and I'm in a hurry as well yeah yeah I'm just like I just want

get out of yeah I'm on La Brea the weird target Best Buy area so I was just like just get me out of here I was thinking of a safe word and like like you know it was a busy day and then what you're thinking of a safe word for Best Buy yeah I'm just like huh and did you come up with one no I did it oh god you're lucky to be alive thank God but then I had um um um um um um that The lady was like, oh, do you want to sign up for a Best Buy rewards card? And I said, I'd rather eat glass. And she was like, what? And I was like, I'm so sorry.

Like, I'm never going to use a Best Buy rewards card. Right. I'm like, you're looking at it and buy this on Amazon. I came here to support a local new up-and-coming business. Like Best Buy. But think about it. Both those people were trying to up our life. Yeah.

Because these cards equal rewards. It's like a mother giving a kid treats. But how much are you spending at staples to get rewards? But irregardless, here's these people trying to do, to plus us. I tell one, my sister's up in the graveyard digging a grave. Is that me or you? And that's me. Oh, that's you.

And you tell someone to go eat glass. Yeah. So it's, oh my God, potential spam. Oh, potential spams the worst. Well, it just wrecked the podcast. No, it did it. I think, I think we have to stop again. No, we don't.

Can we keep going? Let's keep going. It's Friday. Or are we supposed to say it's Friday? No, we can say Friday. It's Friday. I'll just say it's Wednesday. Who's right?

Who's lying? Potential spam is a thing. Potential spam on a Tuesday is not, it's hard. Yeah. Potential spam on a Friday. Get out of here. I got a sister who's digging a grave somewhere. Wow.

And I got an uncle who's chewing. glass. Fuck me tender in the night. And Madonna's eating a diarrhea sandwich somewhere. Which, by the way, she just had her 64th birthday. Whoa, do you have seen her? Yeah. It's, I mean, here's what's shocking, and I'm not trying to pick on her.

And you know pop culture better than anyone. This is pop culture O'Reilly here, even though he's not Irish. I've grew up with Madonna my whole life. The epitome of health. I mean, this girl worked out. She was ripped. She prided herself on being, like, toned. And I haven't seen her in the limelight for, like, I don't know, 10 years.

And I just saw her on something. And she looks like somebody's been into the sour cream and onion chips guy. Is that mean to say? Are there any other flavors she might have? She's had all the flavors. I get the feeling she sleeps with preempts. Tringles on her eyes. I, yes, definitely, yes.

It's something, or like, or like a young, like a, like a just barely legal, like, like Latin man's nuts on her eyes. Wow. Yeah, something she has to be like a Spanish tea bag. Like a Spanish Harlem tea bag. Wow. Wow. She just lays in her chamber and just. Oh, yeah.

And those are the ones. If you shake them, it sounds like Maracca's. Like you get that sound. full girthy poppy nuts. Yeah, like two rattlesnakes playing fucking twister in the moonlight or something, you know. God. Yeah, it's a lot of fillers. Yeah, but she's still Madonna, you know.

Yeah, but were you startled to see her? And I feel bad because of you, but it's just, I won't be commenting on her weight and stuff. But it's like, you got to remember my whole life. Now it's like a before and after picture from the back of a comic book. Yeah, because I'm just like, what do I look like now? Because I thought Madonna was, she still is, you know, iconic. Yeah, she is. But I think I had the same thing where it's like, I think when TikTok started becoming a thing.

Yeah. And then Madonna got on TikTok, I was like, great guvado de goo! Yeah. Because I was, I thought I had watched the ring tape, and my phone was going to ring. And I was going to hear seven days on the other end. And then Madonna falls through the TV. Oh, God. That's what I thought I was going to go.

Like a virgin. Yeah. Well, speaking of, and this is why I was so excited to have you on the show, because you're one of the guys I know that loves, like, movie monsters and horror and stuff. Yes, yes, yes. And so I want to do with you. Okay. And I'm saving the best one for last because I go to the clubs and I stay to watch your set because I love it,

but I also stay because you do a Jeepers creepers impression. Yes, uh-huh. But I want to break down three famous movie monsters. I want to talk about Jason, Freddie, and then the Jeepers Creepers guy. So with your indulgence, can we just discuss Jason and who he is, what he is, why he is?

Okay. I mean, I would like to kind of start with, why is there a guy at a summer camp with a winter sports like hockey goalie mask on? Yeah. Well, why, how? There was there because he was a student at the camp at Crystal Lake. He was?

Or not a student. He was a camper. The Camp Crystal. Camp Crystal Lake, yeah. Camp Crystal. Yeah, Camp Crystal math more like it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

And he was like disfigured and like a little, a little, you know, but, you know, a little, yeah, little, yeah, little, little, little, little. A little handy. A little handy camped. Yeah, but how did he get disfigured? I don't know. His mom drank. I don't know. I don't know what Mrs.

Moury's did. Well, you know, there's a lot of motorboats there. And part of me wonders if she held his face underwater and let the propeller slap him around for a bit. Yeah, so there was that. It was a lot of,

yeah. And so he was supposed to be watched and supervised at all times. And these are, you know, I don't know if you've been to camp. Yeah. But they're all horny teenagers that are. the camp counselors so instead of watching him they were off doing marijuana yeah and hooking up

in the woods doing the sexual doing the sex the 70s romp camp sex there's one scene in the movie i don't know if you remember but the two of them are doing a 69 in the woods and one of them has birch bark stuck to his ass have you seen that scene yeah i mean who's doing 69 in the woods in the woods and the girl well she and i hate to i don't like to be graphic but i didn't shoot the movie movie. Yeah. While they're 69ing, a cicada climbs out of her. Her hoo-ha?

Yeah. After hibernation? Yeah, and it crawls up the guy's forehead. Yeah. I know, dude. God. But why at a summer camp, like, why is there a winter sports goalie mask at a summer camp in the woods?

Like, how does that get there? I'm trying to think. I want to say there was a, um, there was a, like, a sporting good closet. Yeah. Like a, you know what I'm talking about? Like, there was like, this is where all the sports equipment goes in this. But a goalie mask at a summer camp, you canoe, you maybe do some rafting or something,

but where does hockey come in? I don't know. That's like watching Alien, you know, and they're up in space in Sigourney, weaver opens a cupboard and a toboggan falls out on her. Like, it's just so out of place. You know what I mean? Like a fucking wooden toboggan bouncer in the head. Yeah, you would want more like camp aesthetic.

Like maybe like an umpire mass. Yes. Like, oh, for the local, you know, Fourth of July barbecue baseball game. Or even the hood of a barbecue on his face, like something metal. But here's the other thing. And you can dispute me on this, but here's a guy that's walking around butchering kid after kid after kid. Why does he need to conceal his face? He's the last thing they're ever going to see irregardless, if that's even a word.

It's not a word. It's not a word, but it sounded right. Here it is. Yes, yeah. Is it irregardless, can I? It's regardless. But irregardless of it being regardless, can I use it again? Yeah, sure.

It's your podcast. Well, fancy doodle do. So you know what I mean? Like he didn't need to cover his face because. Right. What is he hiding when they're going to be dead four seconds later? Yeah, you're either terrifying or not. Yeah.

Like if you're going to be, yeah, that's a good, that's because I think it was like he was a hideous person. Right. Who knew he was hideous. But he had a good body. That's the thing. It's the body dysmorphia. Did he have a good body? Was he like rib?

He had a great body. Yeah, Jason, Jason's stacked. Oh, really? Jason's like, like, kind of a gay icon, I think. Is he? So if they did like a monster's like fireman calendar type of thing, he would be like Mr. October or something? For sure.

With his bod, with his hot bod? He had a hot bod. Yeah, he'd probably be like October or maybe like a, maybe like, you know what? He'd be August or September. Camp time. Yeah, yeah. He'd be like a camper's month.

Cicada season. Yeah, he's got the like. Yeah, he's getting... The mask, like the crop top. Yeah. Yeah. Jason's kind of like a gay icon, I think. God, now I'm pitching.

Like ripped, but like cover the face. So there's a mystery. But the other thing is, though, remember, like this camp looked like it was... But you're, are you a tree guy? I've been called, yes. I don't know. What's a tree guy? Like someone who likes trees?

Do you know your species? I mean, I know trees. Okay. Like what? Sycamore, Redwood, Oak, Cedar. So based on the trees in that movie, it looked like it was filmed in like the north of the, like New Hampshire, of Vermont or something like this.

So that's hockey country. Uh-huh. So you have to deduce, if that's a word. Yes. That's a word? Deduce. You have to deduce therein, sir, that as he goes to kill, I would say, 40 to 60,

percent of his victims, most of the male ones, as he's going to kill them, the dudes are like, oh, oh, dude, hockey. Yeah. Right? So now they're, that's, it's like, it's like a, like they think it's like a hockey player. Hockey, fun time, slash gay, like, icon, like murder slash your throat, olive oil power player. Yeah, olive oil power player.

Yeah. Yeah? Am I right here or am I way off? No, I think you're, I feel like, am I, are we, is this? Is there something? Yeah. We're in the, we're in it. We're in it. Yes. Yeah, I think that. This is good. I think that Jason. Yeah. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50%

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Don't throw your back out. Yeah, there are moments in the movie or where he takes his masks. But no one sees it. Or maybe they do see it. It's always like worms and, you know. But I don't know how they are. He has worms in his complex? Yeah, because he like drowned and he's like in the dirt.

God. Yeah. Kenny, is there an actie cream? I mean, you thought monkey pox was bad. What the shit guy? He's got worms on his face. He's like worms. There was something like, like special effects, you know, horror special effects.

They're like, give him maggots in the face, you know. And someone's like, great idea, Jim. Wait, wait. Now see, this. This goes back to the tree species thing. There's a big, big discrepancy, if that's even a word, between maggots and worms. Because worms are usually technically very long,

and maggots are small little fly larvae, as you know. Yeah. Yes, I do. So what's on his face, guy? Is it worms or is it magi? Magi. It was probably worms. I'm going to go.

Because camping, fishing, worms. Dude, the way you put things together is like not you make like a, you just made a Jason Snowball sort of. Yeah, which I think could be a porn category. Yeah, I don't know. I've seen it. I've seen it.

Yeah. It's like watching the crying game backwards. The worm appears at the beginning. The reveal. The worm in his face appears at the beginning. Yeah. You just see his face and then by the beginning he puts it back on. You're like, oh, okay.

Before I move on to the next guy, unless you have more. I mean, I will say. Are you Jason exhausted or do you have more? No, no, no, no, sounds like you have more. I mean, I go. I will say Jason's one of the best, like horror sounds. Oh, that's, oh, can you. That was great.

What is, what are they saying there? Because I've always wanted, before you answer, I always thought it was. Ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, but you did something. I always thought it was kill, kill, kill. Oh, I thought he said kill. But what was the first one? Shah, shasha, if that's even a word. And, oh, well, what if I had shashank, shank, shank, redemption.

Shishank, shan, shan, shank, redemption. And maybe he was a Stephen King fan. Could be. I mean, it's not easy to read when you got a goalie mask on your fat, wormy, fucked up, oval teen, sniffing face. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly. Yeah, maybe they were mag eyes.

I always loved. My dad? Wait, what did you always love? That sound. Well, you left a big pause and I had to stick my dad in there. My dad? I loved your dad. You did, yeah.

Jason Bornees. Jason Bournees. How about Jason Bornees, dude? I mean, he's traveling all over the world with his goalie basket. He's a spy. That would be hot. Jason Bornhees. That's a good matchup.

Good catch. Good mashup, yeah. Choo, choo, choo, chuch, ch, ch, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Don't open the closet. I should open the closet. Have you ever achieved, like, you know, you're having whoopwa or hool-y-hoo or whatever you call it? Yeah. And the moment of, I think they call it pleasure these days, like the moment you, the moment of, the moment of, Climax?

Mount St. Hell, yeah. Ray, when you're achieving, you go, Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo, kill, kill, kill, I'm going to try it. Really? I just gave you an idea. Yeah, why not? Halloween's right around the corner. Wow.

So is my wife. Wow. Whoa, dude. Can you imagine the look on your partner's face when you do that? I'm like, what are you doing? Is everything okay? He thinks you're whispering a Chinese guy's name in his ear. And I think the kill, kill, kill, kill, kill would be a little too much.

What if we added something, though, and I think you'll know how to finish this. What if he's a Quentin Tarantino fan? Oh, okay. And then I'll do the kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. Behold, bell, bill, bell, bill. This is what you call team. And I don't think, Justin, there's another podcast on the internet, on intergoogle, on my sister's underpants that represents the teamwork that we got going right now. It's a dynamic for sure.

It's tighter than Dolly Parton's cleavage when she's opening chocolate milk bottles in the middle of the night, your grandfather's fucking celery farm. You nailed that. Thank you. Teamwork, guy. I mean, if that wasn't the description, yes, it is. Okay, so before we move on, I have to ask you, are we exhausted, if that's a word? Have we exhausted Jason?

I think so. I think unless you had anything else. I think that's it. He kills horny campers. Yeah, which had it coming, I think. Which, I mean, it's very dedicated. It is, he's dedicated to his craft. Always going to camp every year.

But wait a minute. Sure. This brings up a topic. Maybe he's angry because summer camps only two months. So what does he do? Just sit around the lodge for the other nine months or whatever's in a year. How many months in a year? I think 12.

12. So the other eight? Yeah. And what is he sitting there roasting marshmallows with a goalie mask on and reading Captain E. Mielns, Winnie the Pooh? or who authored Winnie the Pooh? Yeah, that would be HMS Pinnapuff. Okay.

It's okay, I thought it was him or Captain and Teneal. Yeah. Didn't they write kids books? Yeah, they did. Muscat, love, suck. Yeah, and then I think they built the first sex room, too, so I don't know. Captain and Teneal. Yes, that little hat on.

The first role play, Love will keep him together. You open the door, and it's the captain from Captain and Teneal and the fat captain from Gilligan's Island. And it's like a scene out of the Overlook Hotel, where they're just like, and you slam the door. Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tail.

Oh, my God. It's the, it's the captain, and he looks up like that weird teddy bear guy. That's right. And Gilligan's having. I'm having them from behind. Oh, my God. Chee,

cheat, wait, I thought of another one. Okay. Because you said the first one was Chi, Chi, right?

Yeah. Okay, give me the Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi. Damn it. Hold on. Clear your throat. Get that mucus out. Shut,

shot, shot, kill, kill, kill, kill, no, the Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi, a pet, pet, pet, pet, pet, pet, pet.

Chea pet. Chea pet. Guy, guy, this is what we call teamwork. Yeah, that's what he wanted. He wanted people to do word twisters. Is that? Oh, okay. Maybe he wanted them to get a chippet.

And his whole kind of B story was to kind of get guys like us to push ourselves to do word twisters. Yeah. Because killing can get boring and you want to leave something behind when you leave. But I will say Jason definitely got creative with the killing. Oh, see, he'd always pull like some inanimate object and just make it work. Like what? Give me an example guy. He would get like maybe an ice pick.

He'd get, you know, your classic axe, a baseball bat. He'd also get like, he'd also just get like a tree root, you know? Like there'd be like a long stick on the end of a tree and he'd just hang them up there and just leave them. You know who he should have murdered with the tree root? Who? Alex Haley. Who?

Alex Haley. Who's Alex Haley? The author of Roots. Oh. Is that wrong to say? Was that a bad joke? I don't know. Is it bad that I don't know, Alex?

No. Okay. But we do have to end the show because of that for the fourth time. Well, this has been fun. But before you go, can I get a, no, we're not ending the show. We got to do Freddie Kruger, guy. Let's, we're switching gears, second monster.

And by the way, the third one, our favorite, is coming up after Kruger. Yeah. The G. Okay. Freddie Kruger, thoughts, insights, observations, and. Definitely, definitely a creep. Okay. I mean, did, you know, murder kids.

Oh, was that really that creepy these days? Well, didn't he, like, molest them? It was, like, sexual. It was something gross. And then the parents found out, and then they all trapped him, and burned him alive. Can you do that molest him face again? Because it's very Robert De Niro.

It's very. Yeah. Now I get what De Niro's doing. It's like, I want to talk about it, but do I want to talk about it? Yeah. But, yeah, he, best fashion in the game. The what? Best fashion, I think.

Got a hat. You got, like, some nice fall, complimentary colors. But again, going to the sports team, it was a rugby sweater. It was a black and red rugby sweater. And I don't think a guy with knives for fingers can be catching a ball filled with air. That's true. You know, I, something. Maybe he was just a big, like, Harry Potter fan.

It could have been, like, a quidditch, like a, like a, he's one of the schools in Harry Potter. Oh, like a Numblegorf? What are the names? names of the schools? I don't care. Dildo Dorf or? Tilda Swinton. Wumble.

Humble Bunch. Hufflepuff, Dumble, uh, Raven sperm. I don't know. Yeah. Right.

Something weird. That's why I won't watch those movies. Didgerie do? That and Lord of the Rings. I can't take one more gobble gumps, Wimbledy nips, uh, chunky tits,

fucking fudgy balls. Like, like, I will not have one more elf named after a, uh, fucking Baskin-Robbins ice cream flavor. That's true.

Hey, how are you doing over there, uh, gumball blumpers? Yeah. It's like, hey, it's me, gumball blumbers. Oh, God, who invited gumball blumbers? Fucking, let's eat them. But here's the other thing with Freddie, okay? And you're a dude, I'm a dude. Every now and then we got to look in the mirror and remind ourselves.

Right. But there's a certain portion of our body and you look at Freddie Kruger's face. And I'm sorry, that's balsack meat. That wrinkled up face of his. It's burned. Yeah, but it looks like pink, like wet. It's like wet. It's wet.

It probably smells like linseed oil. I mean, that's ball sack meat, dude. Like, how bad do you have to burn that your face turns into testicle meat? Yeah, it's definitely gamey. Like, we got first degree burns, second degree burns. Third-degree burns, ball sack meat burns. Yeah. And your favorite George Burns, your favorite comedian.

Yeah, yeah. Is he? I don't know. Okay. No. No, I don't think so. But yeah, it's definitely a ball sack. Yeah, isn't it, right?

Like if he fell on you, like if you were going down an escalator or he fell on you, technically you'd be being teabagged just by him being on you. And Madonna would be like, excellent. Madonna turns into Mr. Burns. God. Madonna Burns. Madonna Burns. But yes, I do.

He definitely. And the Knives thing is a, it's an interesting. Yeah. Like, who thought of that? Yeah. And you got to wonder if he's having a secret, you know what's behind the mall with a young, guy by the name of Edward Scissorhands.

True. You wonder if he's... Do they hate each other? Well, no, you said that, like, Freddie boys, and Edward Hizzer Sands or whatever his name is, Wonder Wimber bands, he looks like he could be underage. Yeah. And what's Freddie going to be attracted to? A boy with...

Nice. I mean, those two could make sparks in the middle of the night and make it look like Madonna was grinding her tits on a conchining. he's flywheel. Yeah. You know? Very specific. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. I think it's a very like Marquis de Sade. Oh, something I don't know. Explain. What does that mean? He would like, like that's where Sotism came from. It is?

It was like torture. Yeah. The Marquis de Sade. Yeah, that's Spanish, right? Close French. Fuck. So he would like, you know, torture and kind of like, he got pleasure out of of, like, hurting people.

Wow. And last thing, his voice, that Freddie's voice. Freddie was funny. Yeah, he was hilarious. He was definitely an open micer at the ha-ha cafe, Chuck of a fuck. In Boise, Idaho, yeah. Yeah. He loved, he got past, he got past at numb nuts in Cleveland.

Yeah. Do you have a favorite Freddie line that he did? Yes. What is it? When I was a kid, I was a big. One of my favorite scenes was the girl, God, what was it? I think it was like, Amerinole Street 4, I think, where the girl was working out. And her, she was like, ew, gross, a bug.

And she's, like, squashed a roach. Yeah. And then she starts working out, and her arms break off. And she turns into this giant cockroach. And then Freddie gets the, like, roach motel and, like, squishes it. And he's like, you can check in, but you. You can't check out. I was like,

Freddy, come over, you guys. Keep it going, let him hear it. I think one of my favorites was, and I actually borrowed it, I stole it and used it as a pickup line in bars, and I never got laid once, but I used to walk up to girls and use his line and go, how sweet, fresh meat.

Oh, yeah. And I got slapped a lot, and I got kicked in the nuggets a lot, but I can't understand why I never got a girl to come home with me, is it? That'll do it. I mean you're like you're quoting freddie Krueger you know but it's a good line how sweet fresh meat what was that from like what was the scenario in that because i remember that line

i think he was at the arby's drive-thru yes and he ordered a cheditator and the guy reached and he opened it and he saw the roast beef and he went how sweet fresh meat and then he cut the kids face off yeah took the roast beef up put the kid's face on and ate it and then drove his car straight through a ralph. Yeah, because he forgot the horsy sauce, which is the most important. See, guy? He's like, I forgot the horsey sauce.

All right, let's go to our final guy. I don't want to put it in your mouth that this is your favorite guy. Okay. But because you talk about him, I thought maybe, but he's one of my favorite monsters. Me too. The Jeepers creepers guy. Yeah.

And I'll tell you, one of the reasons I love him is because he's so ambiguous. Like, Freddy's got the knives. Jason has a mask, but I always loved it that the Jeepers, creepers monster, I never knew what he was going to do. He would turn into a bat. Yeah.

He could fly, he'd pull his head off and eat himself. Like he just, you never knew, like he turned into a dust monster. Like he was so, like, mysterious. He has a name, too.

Someone gave him a name. I can't remember. I don't remember what it is. I could look it up, but I don't want to waste time. Does it have a thaw in front of it? It's something. No.

It has like an A. It's like an owl, a, L, dash. It's something weird. Al? No, it's like, he looks like an owl. I love the scene where they go to the cat lady's house. Remember the in the first one? Oh, yeah.

And she's just standing behind the screen door, and they walk up and she just, I don't know who the actress was, but she goes, What are you doing? Yeah. Who's your friend? God. And the scarecrow standing in her guard. And she goes, who's your friend?

And it's like, oh, it's so creepy. But it's such a good, it's such a good series. And I did see a poster and I don't know if this is like a real thing because they're making another one. Yeah. But it's like the baby. It's like baby jeepers creepers. No. Yeah.

I know. No. I'd rather dip my face in acne cream and pop the zits all over a choir school. Exactly. Well, they call them the creeper. That's the creeper. But I thought he had. had like an actual name, but I don't, I guess, no, he's the creeper. And I love the creeper.

Yeah. Because it's just, he's so merciless. Because what is it? He's like a, he's like a, harvester, right? If he sees something that he likes. Yeah. He goes and gets it and he like lives forever. And every 23 years he eats, which by the way, I'm immediately replacing the South Park diet with that. Yeah, you should. Like the Freddy, the, uh, the, the, the, the, the creeper diet. The creeper diet. Why are you so thin, Sarah? Well, I only eat every 23 years. God, you're so disciplined.

And what are you eating, children? They're delicious. I just eat whatever Freddie leaves around. Jason kind of helps me too. I don't really do a handout. It's just more of a hand. Oh, sweet batwing juice. All right, I'm switching gears completely now.

Okay. Because you and me, we've been. comics for a long time. How long have you been doing it? Uh, uh, like 12 years. Yeah. And I think, correct me if I'm wrong. You might not even remember this. I think the first time we met was probably about six years ago, MTV was shooting a show in Burbank. Okay. Were you on that? Which one? It was like a weird one of these shows where they put like nine comics out per episode. And I thought it was you backstage I met. And, and it was in Burbank. and it was like, they had all these different comics, and maybe it wasn't you.

Maybe. Was it like a... It never aired. They shot it and it never aired. Mine aired. Oh, it did? Mine aired. Are you talking about whatever, what it was called? It was like acting out or something like that?

Something. Yeah. Where we had to do a set and then like they acted out what our set was. Was that that? And it never aired. Yeah. But they did like every comic in town. Oh, yeah.

I think, I think, yeah. Mine was on the first episode. and then, like, it canceled. Yeah, they can't. Oh, so yours got on. Okay. Mine got on, but I can't find the footage. And the footage was so great.

Like, the actual acting out was really good. Yeah. Oh, yeah, because I remember it, they canceled it like almost right away. Yeah. And interesting, yours is the one that aired and they canceled it. Well. Great job, guy. I know.

Sorry. I know. Hello? So on that note, this is where I'm going with this. And I don't want to be too. morbid, but have you ever had one of those moments in your stand-up career? And I think every comic has, but I don't want to be presumptuous, if that's a word. Have you ever had, and it could be hypothetical, or it could be that suicide moment

where you had such a horrible set, like early on or something, where you just went, oh, my God. Like, not necessarily want to kill yourself, but end it, not keep going, or kill yourself. Right. Yeah. I mean, I can't remember when it was, but I definitely have had like, like, what the fuck am I doing? Right. Where you just wanted to stop? Yeah. I had it when I was, it was my first time going on the road. I'm up in Canada. And, you know, I did everything in Toronto where I started. And then my first road gig, they said, we're sending it a Nova Scotia.

Oh, good old Nova Scotia. Yeah. And then from Nova Scotia, went to this little island called Prince Edward. Island where Anne of Green Gables is from. Oh, really? Yeah, that's where she's from if you're looking for. Okay. I have a buddy from Nova Scotia. Are you serial? He's a comedian, yeah.

Jason Whitehead? Do you know him? Oh, my God. I know his brother, Johnny Blackhead. Good. Yeah, that's him. Yeah, they need some acne. What a small territory.

They're called provinces. Whatever. I'm American. Wow. Captain crunched in the middle of the day. You're lucky. I'm even lucky you're here. So I go.

it's my first road gig and it's the first night in Prince Edward Island we got this sold-out banquet room the the the MC goes up and I'm like a little freaked out because it's my first time away from the nest where I started spam risk another one get out of here we got to stop we got to get out of here we keep going it didn't ring yeah I just had to show you that I am I know I got it too somebody doesn't want us to do this podcast and that's a sign that it's going well it is going Somebody's trying to stop. Probably Joe Rogan's trying to stop us right now. Don't say his name twice.

Don't say Joe Rogan two more times. Mark Marin might be trying to stop us right now. Corolla. No one can stop this. No, Bobby Lee, get out of here. Can't stop this. So I go on stage. It's my first.

I got to do 20 minutes. Okay, I go on stage, full house. I'm pretty scared. The headliner's coming. coming up behind me, and I thought, okay, I'll ingratiate myself to the crowd. First thing I do, I go up to a guy, I go, hello, how are you, sir? And this guy, you know, black leather jack was just sitting there, and I put the mic right at his mouth, and he had the biggest fucking burp built up.

I don't know if he'd been eating scallops or seaweed or jellyfish tits. Yeah. But he just like, like right into the mic, the crowd went insane, and I couldn't. get them back because nothing I could say was funnier than what he did yeah 20 minutes of silence I went back to my hotel and I just looked out the window and I was like should I jump should I just like I was that's what I mean like yeah I had that moment I don't know if every comic has I just thought of what mine was oh what is it so I oh here we go so it was uh let's see run 10 years ago yeah yeah this was like right when I started yeah this travel company uh uh

approached me and they were like, yeah, do you want to do a Mediterranean cruise? And I was like, sure. Wow, fun. And so it was like this amazing, the cruise itself was amazing. It was like, I went to Egypt and Rome and Greece. And so there was the main theater. Yeah. And then there was the smaller kind of like cabaret, you know, like stand-up room. And this is on the cruise ship. Yeah, yeah. And so it was me and another guy were doing this. the smaller room. Well, one night, Patty Lepone was performing,

huge Broadway singer. Yeah. She's in the company right now. I mean, legendary. And she got up in the main theater and was like, ah, you know,

and then meanwhile, Justin Martindale at 9 p.m. in the hoo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-room. Oh. And I was like, oh, man. Yeah. Yeah, crab legs.

People eating crab and seafood while you do your thing. Oh, And I got up there, and I had been in Greece all day. So I was, like, drinking Uzo. I don't know if you know what Uzo is. It's like a black licorice. Yeah, it's a clear.

Yeah. It wasn't Zima sort of modeled after that a little bit? Tasted like Zima. Someone melted a Elton John's wax figure at a wax museum and liquefied. And it has an Elton John taste. It's like black jelly beans and Elton John. Oh, God. What a mixture.

What's the deal. difference you know love it in the south oh it's really good in the summer um but um so i have like a like a nice little buzz so i get up there and i'm just doing my my set and i'm looking on the crowd there's maybe like four people and i'm like fucking patty lapone man whatever we get it you're a tony winner multiple times but let me have my moment yeah and and and and that's that's when i was like oh do i jump off the boat oh really do i do i I pull a rose from Titanic. Yeah.

I just say, enough. I'm not going to have people make decisions for me. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio was not there to grab me, but so I did end up falling off the boat. You did. Oh, just, God, dolphin bait. Dolphin bait. Yeah, it's funny because I think every comedian has one of those moments where they just,

that they hit this wall and it's like, should I just, did I make the right decision? Should I stop? but but it's like Michael Richards you know it's like yeah yeah just did I make the right decision stop oh man I'm just gonna snap on stage yes oh um one of the things that you do in your act that I love and I got to pull my phone out for this and I don't know if you want to do it but you like the old like 50 the old like 40s 30s talk you know the hey that's sweet hot With your permission, and you can say no, I was wondering, if I pulled the stop, watch out, can we do a one-minute conversation talking that way to each other?

Sure. Are you comfortable with that? Yes. Because I would love to. I'm so good at it, and I'm going to try and keep up. Are you going to be the guy and I'll be the girl? Okay. Okay.

Okay, yeah. And what can the scenario be? Just any, should we set the groundwork or just wing it? Yeah, just wing it. Okay, okay, let me get my stopwatch. Now, just to set this up, you know, the old black and white movies, hey, day, sweetheart. People used to talk like that, and I think we need to do it for a minute.

And it was normal. Yeah, it was normal. So I'm going to, I'll kick it off, and then you'll be the girl and I'll be the guy. I have to figure out what kind of girl I want. Oh, yeah, take a minute, and I'll figure out what kind of guy. Okay. Okay. All right.

What are you doing there? Okay. Do I what? Okay. Okay. All right. Ready? I'll give it a count in three, two, one.

Start. Hey there, cutie pie. I heard you up at the graveyard last night. Oh, it was. I was looking for bodies. Have you seen any? Well, there's only two kinds of people that go to the graveyard, sugar tits.

It's people who are dead. And people who are about to die, see? Oh, it sounds really frightening. I hope I don't fall in an empty grave. My mother would get worried. Well, if you're dead, we'd send Mikey, Hershey, and Rocky up there to fish you out. But not with a rope, not with a shovel. With your father's fucking rotten teeth.

How about that, crumple cake? What do you know about Rocky? What does he said? What did he say? It's not true. It's not true. I say, no matter how many times you say, that's not true. The whole town knows about you and Rocky Crumple Bumps.

Now get your acne cream. Sit on it and ride to Vegas where you're going to be safe, see? Oh, you know what? I've only been in this town for three minutes and I already despise you. I do or hate you. You son of a bitch, I want to marry you so bad I could grab you by the face and kiss your monkey teeth. Well, why don't you say something? Let's run. Let's run away. Let's run away and never look back.

You hear me? I'm ready. Let's go to Paris. I don't care where we go just as long as you. As long as I can wake up every morning and see in your gross face. You had me a pumpkin tea, sunshine. And, and C. Wow. Bro, can I get a potato? Wow.

Power slam. That was good. That was a Chinese power slam right there. Chinese power slam. What was I going to say? Oh, I want to, can I finish with something fun that I think you'll like? If it can be funner than that. Okay.

I do this thing. It's a bit of a surprise, but it's called, let me show you. It's called words from a wooden shoe. Okay. This is a real Dutch clog. I'm in.

And how it works, there's some words in there. And it's not word associated. Like if it says dog, you go cat. Okay. What it is, it's a word, or maybe there's two words, and if it sparks a story or a moment in your life or something related, you can tell that story based on, see if the word triggers something, hopefully something magical. And if it's not, we'll have to end the show.

Okay, again. Again, for the 15th time. I don't know. I think if it's coming from a wooden shoe, it's going to be pretty magical. Can I slide the wooden shoe towards you and let you pick a word? Thank you for consent. This is it right here. Words from a wooden shoe.

I want to go in. Go in to where the stink is. Oh, yeah. The foot odor. That elven clog. Yeah. Let's see. Okay, here we go.

What do we got? Read it out loud. Oh, God. I don't have this one. Father's words to me. Wait, wait. That's a story in itself. Why don't you?

I don't have any. I don't talk to my father's. So there are no words. There's. I don't, I have two of them and I don't talk to them. Really? My biological dad and my stepdad. I'm like, I don't know.

Wait, so not one of them has ever just said. No. It's one thing. Like, get out, get out. Or son, you're going to be a, like nothing. No. Is that hard? That's the story of itself.

That's the story. I've got a, I got a, oh. We're ending on nothing. But I don't want to end on nothing. Do you want to do another one? I'll pull another one, yes. We've never done that before on words from, oh. Are you going to be the first?

Yeah. I think, yeah, yeah, I'm pulling another one because I'm like, ugh. But I can see there's a little bit of emotion on you with that one a little bit. No. A little bit. I can see. I'm sensitive. You're not.

I can see what's happening. What's your sign? Do you know? How dare you? Mm-hmm. In your own home. Scorpio. Oh, yeah, that's why.

What are you? I'm an Ares. You want to go to Arby's? I mean, is there a face sand? sandwich we can have? Is there a five-for-five happening? All right. We've never done it before.

Words from a wooden shoe. It's almost like we have the set. Two shoes here today. That's so sad and anti-climactic. No, it was good because next time you're here, I'm going to peel back the whole dad thing. We're going to go deep. Sure, sure, sure.

We're going to go so deep. Ooh, reoccurring dream. Here we go. Reoccurring dream. And it better not be that you dreamed you had a dad. Oh, my whole life. No, go. Reoccurring dream.

Reoccurring dream. I'll take a sip of apple juice. What you think? I have a reoccurring dream. Um. You know, it's weird. When I was a kid, I had a reoccurring dream about Friday Kruger. No, you did it.

Yeah, who also killed kids in his, and their dreams. So I remember being a kid, my parents, and let me watch Nightmare on Elm Street because they were, you know, it was like, oh, it's evil and whatever. Really? But I remember having a lot of, I don't know, like kid, kid horror dreams. Like, I remember being, like, in my swimming pool and thinking Jaws was in the deep end. And I remember being, like, I remember specifically this dream of being in the junkyard

and Freddie Kruger, like, you know, with the sparks coming down the wall. Yeah, yeah. But then I also had a really, I haven't, I've, I've, I've, I've told a couple people this dream. Yeah. Where I had a dream that I was kidnapped by my, by some guy, I don't even know who the guy was. And my mom, my mom and I got kidnapped. We were thrown in the back of a van. Whoa.

Heavy. I know. Hot, right? Wow. And my family and I, at the time, we were driving across country to visit my parents. in California. So I grew up in Texas, so we did like the I-10. Yeah, yeah.

The 10, as we called it here. Yeah, the 10, yeah. And I remember we had stopped off in Arizona or something. You know, we just wanted to get some jerky and gas. Yeah. And I remember looking over at this guy pumping his gas, and it was the guy who kidnapped me in my dream. What?

Isn't that weird? That's like a dream and deja vu. Yeah, it was. weird. And I remember, like, and I was probably... And a premonition. Yeah, it was like, I was like eight or nine or something like that. And I just remember looking at my mom and my mom was just like, what's wrong? And I'm just like, I had a dream about that guy. And she's like, what the fuck are you talking about? And, uh, I was like, yeah, that guy. And it was so vivid. Like, I dream, I, when I do dream, I dream very vividly because I see colors and all that stuff.

And, but yeah, I just remember being like, ooh, that's weird. And I think that's why I was always like, I got into the idea of, like, horror. I loved horror. Yeah. And like, and who knows? Who knows what that guy, like, it was, it was like, I was at that gay, that gay station, that gas station. Yeah.

Or gay station. Yeah, those are out there too. Yeah. Yeah. I was at that gas station when that guy, like, kidnapped me and my mom. So it was very, yeah, very, like, deja vu, very, like, premonition. And I just remember, like, hiding. Like, it was weird.

And I don't know what happened. after that. I don't know if it was just like, just drive the fucking car, honey, you know. What if it was Freddie Kruger before he got burned? That was the guy and you were his first mark. Yeah, maybe. And he said, hey, kid, I'm going to slice you up. And you said, you know what, I'm just going to go to the gay station down the street. Now, when you, going back real quickly, because you touched on something that I picked up on. What? When you said your parents wouldn't let you watch Freddie Krueger. Now, and they told you you couldn't, right? Now, was your dad present?

Was he one of the people that said you couldn't watch Freddie Kruger? Oh, no, no, no. Okay. I didn't meet my biological dad until I was 26. Got it. Okay. So, yeah, never, never in my life. I reached out to him on the internet.

Wow. Yeah, I found him. And I asked him like, hey, I know this might be weird. but like you're my dad. Yeah. And so then I met him and I was, you know, he's like, yeah, let's go to Tijuana. And he took me to Tijuana. Wow.

Yeah. And so we went to a. How old were you? 26. Wow. Yeah. And then I went to a strip. He took me to a strip club in the daytime.

Yeah. You know, some classic father son bonding. Yeah. Yeah. Especially on the first meeting. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely I'm meeting you for the first time. I mean, typical like Florida. a man. Nice to meet you sperm cell. Let's go see some tities. I know. And I was like, oh God,

does he not pick it up? And so I remember just going to this strip club and watching this poor woman do a very sad pole dance. And I was so shit-faced because in Mexico, everywhere we went, you know, they'd pull our head backs and pour tequila down our fucking throat. So this was like,

I was a little drunk and I remember telling her to sit down. Oh, Did she have a bullet hole in her ass cheek? A lot of the Tijuana ones do. They have a bullet hole or a stab wound. Or like a brand. Some have a brand and some have a Chiquita banana sticker on their butt cheek. I know a comic who has that tattoo on his arm.

Oh, God. But I told her to sit down and then I proceeded to dance on the stripper pool. Security did not like that. Security. You were like, you went coyote ugly? Yes. Whoa, Bosefios. Yeah, I was like, put on Leon Rhymes.

Give at the moon, like, yeah. And security told me to sit down. Oh, gold. Then my dad said, go get him, go give him a lap dance and paid the stripper or whoever, the pimp. Yeah, yeah. And I went to the back room, and I'm sitting in this back room. And this poor woman is just like, bullet hole Sally. Just grinding on me.

And I said, you know what? You don't have to do that. Well, just sit down. Let's just run the clock. Yeah. And we did. And we sat down. We just talked face to face.

I was like, are you happy? Oh, really? Just really getting heartfelt. Oh, you gave her some therapy. Some strip club therapy. I was like, do you have any kids? And she's like, yeah. And I got, do you have any pictures of it?

And she pulled them out and like like. Oh, tender heart. All the pictures came out. Oh, you're so tender. And I told her, I said, when we leave here, Just tell my dad, I came all over your face. Oh, tender is the night. Yeah.

Oh, you're so thoughtful, too. Yeah, thanks. Yeah. On a sensitive son. Yeah, I just wanted to make my dad proud. Oh, tender to tussies. Yeah, and that's what I was like, yeah. Did you ask her before she dressed up where the bullet hole came from?

Like how was she shot? Where, yeah. What was the story? What did she tell you? I know you know. It was something about, like, running away to live a happy life. Something really boring and mundane. Got it.

Irregardless, she was shot. There's that word again. How sweet. Fresh meat. All right. Well, I don't think we can do any better than ending on these stories. A bullet hole stripper and your dad. Tijuana.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know that we could go anywhere else. A reoccurring dream. I love that the dream came back because, you know, the Freddie Kruger aspect. It's funny. It's funny. That's the magic of words from a wooden shoe. I've had that happen before where somehow the word that gets picked matches what the conversation was. So it's very interesting. But before we go, it's not about Kruger. It's not about me. It's about you. It's about Justin Martindale. What is the way that people can find you? Please. Yeah. Find me on Instagram at Justin Martindale. I put up all my shows. I got some dates coming up. I have a podcast, too, called Just Sayan, with Justin Martindale. It's so fun.

Okay. I have to have you come on. I'd love for you to come on. It's in the basement at the comedy story. Anytime, guy. Anytime. Oh, wait, can I have to say this because my brother, I like serendipitous moments. Yeah.

My brother and I loved sorority girls or sorority boys. Sorority boys. Yes. And one of our favorite lines ever was yours. Uh-oh. Where it was, uh, so, tell us about your. yourself well i'm addicted to porn and that my brother paul and i would laugh every time so this coming back and just the friendship that we have built throughout these years is really fun i've never i've never

said that and i was like i my brother paul and i just love you and oh thank you so yes well that's i'll tell you before we go that's the joy of doing what we do movies tv comedy you you create these little nuggets for people and for whatever reason they they latch on them they have sentimental meaning and that that warmed my heart thank you and i have i met your brother no no no my brother's the coolest he's the best tell him thank you and i'm glad see i was able to somehow bond you guys yeah seriously um so please check out justin's beautiful podcast go to his instagram go see this guy live i'm telling you ladies and gentlemen he's freaking hilarious that warms my heart you might even see some jeepers, creepers, action.

Justin, thank you so much. Great to have you, buddy. And ladies and gentlemen, that's it for today on the Harland Highway. Until next time, chicken chameen, baby.