The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #23 - NICK SWARSDON - FARTS from A to Z!

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

Comedian Nick and I break down all the various farts that exist, from A to Z. Also, Minnesota stories! Sponsor: Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app NOW and use promo code HARLAND to get $200 in FREE bets INSTANTLY when you place a five-dollar bet this Sunday! only at DraftKings Sportsbook—an Official Sports Betting Partner of the NFL. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All ride, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Did you hear that? You know what that means? What is that? That's Ario Speedwagon after their tour bus was hit by a train. Oh, my God.

No, this is my theme music guy. I like it. Who is the band? Areo Speed? Oh, is it REO? No. No, it's not. Who is it?

Anne Hache. Correct. Nailed it. Ladies and gargoyles, we have them. No one said we could get him, but he's here. Nick Swartz and right here, gang. Where is he? Right here.

You're on the Harlan Highway, bro. Where? Right there. Oh, too. Yeah. Dude, this is a logo. What do you think? I like it.

I like it a lot. Are you a logo guy or more of like a dining room, dining room guy? Like, what do you like? I like dining on logos. Are you cereal? Yeah, I love it. The Harlan Highway, do you pick up hitchhikers? What do you do on the highway?

Well, the concept is we just kind of roll down the highway and we kind of get off at different exit ramps and talk about, you know, life and stuff, you know, stuff and such. Of course. Which is also something that you do you think? Thanksgiving at all? Yeah, I celebrate it. So do you do stuffings? Like, do you like stuffing? Yeah, of course.

What brand do you use? Gosh, what do I use? Because I use stuff. I use stove bottom. Stove top. Yeah, it's their nemesis. It's their nemesis. Okay.

I use Pepperage Farms, stuff and such. Is that going to be a problem with us? A little bit, man. You still say Pepperidge Farms. Bar in this day and age? Why, guy? I don't know. I don't know what you can say anymore, man.

This fucking world's unscathed. Can't a player play anymore, bro? I don't know. Can we say Thanksgiving? Don't you have to say butthole factory instead? Yeah, probably these days. Yeah. Well, good to see you, dude.

Good to see you, buddy. Yeah, let's just fill the listeners in on our our movie Back in the Day that we did. Oh, yeah, yeah, we did a movie called Back in the Day. With our friend Michael Rosenbaum. Yeah, we did, we did, uh, that was, that was probably the first movie we got to work on together, huh? Yeah, that was. And I think the last, I think, I think no one wanted us together after that.

No, we were banned from Hollywood from working together. Brutal, bro. Yeah, we filmed in southern Indiana. So get over there as fast as you can. Oh, yeah. Didn't you have a thing where you went to order Chinese food or something once? Yeah, I almost got attacked. Yeah, what was that?

I remember your story of some guys in a truck or something? Yeah, I was going to get Chinese food. So I was trying to eat healthy because I'm filming and I want to go to a shit. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, oh, I'm going to go to a Chinese buffet, get some steam vegetables. And this is a Saturday afternoon. Yeah. And I drive my rental car, parking the lot.

It's pretty empty. Yeah. Again, Saturday afternoon. Pick up truck, five guys in the back. And they just yelled, Chinese food is for faggots at me. And these are, these are adults, by the way. It's not like 14, 15 year olds. These are grown, they're in their 30s.

Wow. And they decided that was their afternoon to get the word out. Wow. That Chinese food is for faggots. So I thought they were joking, obviously. Yeah, yeah. So I did this. I was like, yeah.

Like, whatever. And they were like, what, motherfucker? Whoa. And then I was, I ran into the restaurant. And it was just two really old Chinese ladies working, like in their 80s. And were they gay? I don't know. Because Chinese food is for, I know, for your fat goes.

Yeah. So I was like, this better be like the movie Kung Fu Hustle or something. And they can fucking. I thought I was going to die. And then I peaked out the window and they left, thank God. Peek Out the Window is also the name of one of their famous dishes at that Chinese restaurant. Orange Peak Out the Window. Yeah.

That's what I ended up ordering. It was really good. Do you remember the name of the place guy? Do you just say Jew remember? I don't think that's appropriate. It is when you're Jewish. I'm Jewish. I can say it.

I can say whatever I want about Jewish. I'm Jewish. Praise B. No, I don't remember the name of it. You don't? No, it was probably like P.F. Gay Bashers or something. Oh, wow. So a derivative of P.F. Chang's.

Yeah. No, it wasn't, it was not a P.F. Changs. It was just some fucking strip mall Chinese food. Wow. Was there neon in the sign? Because that's often. It was during the day, if you listen to the details Harlan. I know you're not detail-oriented, even though you started

Details magazine. But neon can work in the day, can't it? I don't think so. I don't think that's how neon works. I don't think, I mean, did you see the movie Tron? Was that film during the day? No, but sometimes you can hear neon crackling in the

air because it's you know how it cracks. so yeah so maybe that's what i heard maybe you heard neon mosquitoes yeah because that's big in southern indiana god you're just so adorable today i just you know what i want to do it's hard to be me today like the hat and you you're glowing a little bit and i just i feel like i want to take you to cheesecake factory later order some fish and chips yeah and just get the back of your head and go bam just whack your fit because you're adorable how blessings So many blessings.

And I think the place to do it is cheesecake factory. By the way, not a real factory. You've done there? Yeah, I don't like that name. Yeah. I feel like there's kids in the back, like from Tibet or making cheesecake. Making cheesecake. Making cheesecake and getting whipped, you know, you make it a cheesecake dirty boy.

Yeah. You put more blueberry on the cheesecake dirty guy. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And it's Bobby Lee. Jumping. Bobby Lee. Jump and Juniper Jack.

Our sweet Bobby Lee. I just did a show with him in Pauly Shore in Canada. No way. What city? We did the Edmonton, the Great Outdoors Festival. So was it indoors? It was great outdoors. Oh, was there neon?

Yep. It was all sponsored by neon. Fudge-tastic, bro. Yeah. By the way, also, this just occurred to me and tell me if I'm over-adorable. bling you. Okay. But you ever see those old Western movies where a guy gets punched and he slides right

along the bar and knocks glasses off? Of course. Like, I don't know if it's your ensemble today, but you're so adorable. I want to slide you down a salad bar. Okay. And all the way down it at the end, you've got like cherry tomatoes in your eyes, croutons in your nose, and bean sprouts flying out of your mouth like Kujo just after he ate a bag of.

I'm a bagpipe juice. Yeah, I like that. Is that okay? I think that's fine. You're okay with compliments? Yeah, that's a lovely compliment. Okay. It's funny because my pubic hair are bean sprouts.

Oh. So I don't know if you sense that or smell it. I smelled something. Yeah. Wow. Speaking of smells. Toilet. Can I say toilet?

Is that right? You can only say it like that. Okay. And a verb. You did a, you did an album called, Somebody, did somebody fart? What was it? Seriously who farted.

Seriously who farted. It was, yeah, it was my second album. And I was at the meeting with Comedy Central. Yeah. And they were like, what do you want? What do you want to call your next album and special? Yeah. And I was like, toilet.

Whoa, that was a double. Whoa, guy. I just got possessed. So they were like, what do you want to call the album and the special? And I go, seriously who farted? And they were like, oh, that's funny. But what do you want to call it? and I go seriously who farted and they're like oh you want to you really want to call it that yeah

and I go yeah because I just want if anybody has to say it maybe I get nominated for a Grammy I didn't but just so somebody had to go like and Nick Swarton seriously who farted and then people would be confused if he was asking the question yeah yeah or saying the name of my album oh that would have been brilliant and that's probably why you didn't get nominated because somebody didn't want to be embarrassed like that. Yeah, some old lady with IBS. Oh, God. Well, what people don't know, and me and Nick know this,

because we're kind of connoisseurs of the fart, right? And people don't know this, but we're going to enlighten people today, Nick, that there is an alphabet of different farts. Like from A to Z, there's different farts. Correct. And so Nick and I are going to go through today. We'll do it incrementally through the show,

I think the first category is we'll go A to J, and we'll each do a letter and do like a fart that pertains to that letter and describe how it works. Okay. Like I'll start with, I'll do my first A and it's the Arnold Schwarzenegger fart. And that's one of those ones where, you know, it's like, I'll be back, meaning you do a little fart, and then there's always a little follow-up fart and I'll be back fart. So that's, that's the I'll be back Arnold fart. I see.

What's your A? My A is going to be, I'm going to combine it. It's Albert, but fat Albert. Oh, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to do, I'm going to use my A and my F at the same time. Wow. And his catchphrase was, hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah.

So mine is where it's kind of a rapid fart, but it's like spray, spray. So it's like, you know what I mean? so it's like a little bit of spray. Yeah. Holy God. Yeah. All right, B, you want to go first or do you want me to go first? Yeah, I'll just jump on it. This is called the Bonaducci.

Whoa. This is when you're fucking hammered. Yeah. And you just bonadooch yourself. And it sounds like douche, so you kind of semi, you get semi hard, but you also just, it's like. and then it yeah it takes a wind out of you wow but i see i thought you're going with dandy bonaducci from the partridge that's what i am bono dochey i know but okay so i thought you meant because he's that redhead freckle-faced kid and i thought when you blasted the fart it shot out shit

sprinkles and chocolate chip the wall it does dan yeah oh okay maybe i didn't hear that because Because you said B. So, all right, I'll use my B and my D. Oh. So I'll use the Danny Bonaducci. Okay. Bandy Donadoucci? Yep, Bany Donadoochie.

God, okay. What's mine? I got to go with broccoli. I mean, every. That's so fucking easy. I know, but it's so, I know, but it's one that everyone, it's a common one. It's a deadly one.

It's a Dutch oven one, right? Like you get behind a. broccoli fart and you might as well go to a hair Krishna festival put mustard between your eyes and shave your fucking nutsack broccoli fart will take out the super cuts if you go in there everyone you get clear hair you get clear a super cuts of the broccoli fart all right let's hear it oh see the broccoli fart oh we don't have to make the noise but we can if we want i mean i mean i'm asking you oh you're asking okay because i'll do my broccoli fart but you've got to go first fart is like

like it's pretty powerful. Yeah. What's yours? All right, here's mine. It's like an evil mist. Yeah, from the depths of the Shire's

gay leather basement. I just picture it rolling like a steam, like a cloud coming out of a Satan's face or something. Yeah, no, it's definitely a Satan's facial mask. Wow, okay. So, see, I got to go with Cheesecake Factory Fart. Okay.

Because Cheesecake Factory has the longest menu on planet Earth. Uh-huh. So you know when you go in there, you're going to eat like every dish ever known to Man. So when you do that fart, you're covering all the food groups. They have the best chef that's ever been born, apparently. He knows every cuisine. Okay, go, sorry. Cheesecake.

factory fart for C. What do you got? Okay, I'm going, I'm taking out C and adding a T. This is a carrot top fart. Oh. And this one is a prop. So it's, so you've got to open up your pants like it's a trunk. It's like it's a trunk. And then it's like this. It just kind of comes out like a little haunting, like an anal haunting. Yeah. Which is our new movie coming out. Anal haunting. Yeah. Which is our new movie coming out. Ano haunting this Halloween. It's the sequel to Back in the Day. Yeah. Anal haunting.

So it's like, it's almost like a fart trunk you're opening, like a prop trunk. Correct. That's correct. He's correct, ladies and gurgle nuts. Ladies and gargamel's. Okay, D, I'm going to go, got to go with this drive-through fart. Okay, that's when you eat and you eat all day long. And then you're walking around and you got so much food in you.

your anews flaps open like a drive-thru and then slam. Oh, that's horrifying. It pops the fart out like food really quick. Like a penis fly trap. A penis, well, yeah. It opens and, yeah. So a drive-thru fart and then slam. Okay, I see.

Yeah, what's your D? Well, I already used it with Danny Bob. Oh, that's right. But I'll do another one. Yeah. I'm going to say just to, because they, They just premiered the new Game of Thrones, the dragon fart. Whoa.

Yeah. Hard to survive those. It's really lethal. And it comes out. Talk to me. If you hear this, fucking run. Don't even, don't even blanket discos. It comes out of, your butt's got to be a little tight.

So you haven't maybe shit for a while. And it just comes like this. Yeah. And then people die. That's mythical. It is. It's from. And is there, like, it's a dragon.

I got to ask, is there a little bit of fire coming out with that one? Yeah. If you've got some anal pubis, it'll remove it. Yeah. It's gone. You're almost guaranteed like almost an anal bleaching just by doing one. Yeah. How does it go again?

And people fucking. die man that's oh my god god i can smell like burnt hair pubis yep burnt hair priest almost priest hair yeah then i don't know what dragons eat but i think you know maybe cheesecake cheesecake i don't know what they eat wow wow that's brutal but look out all right e that brings us to the e fart you go okay all right i'm gonna all right this is the einstein fart it's really smart it's a very knowledgeable fart it's a smart fart yeah it's a smart fart yeah and that's our trilogy that's the other one after anal ghosts ghosts haunting um yeah this is the answer it's really smart and it's fucking knows what it's doing so it's when it's around like the elderly yeah

that's when it comes out because it knows that they their time is up soon wow so it just drops like a where it's like a question Almost a B flat, too. Yep. Like if Kenny G heard that, he'd probably sniff your ass. Or Kenny B flat. Wow, bro. Yeah.

That one's crazy. Folks, I told you, me and this guy, we know the farts, and that's why we're doing this right now. A little too well. Yeah, a little too well. A lot of people die. All right. So I got my E, the Elon Musk fart. And it's the only electric fart in the repertoire.

Okay. So basically, if you, you ever get static, cling and you rub stuff and your hair goes up every minute right so the next phase if you do it let's say you do six extra rubs the hair can't go up anymore right so where does all that energy go you created an electric fart that's the Elon Musk uh thunderblaster that's incredible and can that can that make things run like can you is that a source of energy you can make your wife vibrator run off of that oh yeah no thanks I'm busy Oh my gosh.

And then she's just fucking dildo baggins. Yeah. Dillow baggons. Yeah. The shire. Tally a shire. Free dilly. Free dilly.

Dragon fart. Oh, my God. Oh, a dragon fart and an Elon must fart. Yeah, that's exciting. That's like an electric dragon. Yeah. Imagine dildoing a dragon. Wow.

fuck if you can do that you deserve all the shires yeah in the world you'd need like freshly churned honey butter to do that 100% that's yeah that's without question okay that brings us to f bro wait wait we got to go to what j and then we're gonna break it up with more pod so we got to go a to j so we're at f okay you got an f um yeah oh here we go okay this one yeah this one's similar to the dragon but not as deep. This is based on the cast of Falcon Crest. So Falcon Crest was a show in the 80s. Yeah.

You can Google it, I don't lie. And this is what it's like. Falcon Crest was a very affluent family. So they had a lot of nice food. So this is what would leave their anus. Their anus, I would say anews in Minnesota. It leaves like this. Hey, everybody.

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Chili dog. Not included. with a naked gun tickets on sale now august first so it starts with a squawk and then goes right into hissy bird so it's a really it's an aggressive falcon the falcon's clearly done a lot of cocaine you know what it's reminded me of like a bunch of ants confronting a snake yep like the ants are on the ground the snakes coming, and they're like, e-hee, they're screaming, and then the snake ain't having it. Yeah. You falcon-crested me, bro. Yep.

Okay. Got real. Wow. My F, a focus group fart. Okay. Yeah, that's when you get old people who have trouble focusing, like you're at an old folks home and you're over there to do some volunteer work. I like that, yeah.

And you're kind of getting annoyed with them. They're kind of crazy, and they can't see. They haven't got good focus. So when they're in their wheelchairs, you pretend to drop something, you let one rip in their old unfocused eyes, and then you make it nice and hard, and you actually watch their wheelchairs blow backwards and hit the wall. Wow, okay.

Focus group fart. Yeah, we're really going after the elderly today. I don't know what they did, but they got old. And they farted. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the fun thing about being elderly is that you can just rip some sweet beef. Yeah.

And just, what are you going to do? kill me i'm fucking 90 yeah i'm dead in a week and yeah i've got hours yeah sniff my grind hinder exactly exactly again that's the fifth movie that we're doing sniff my grind hinder yeah and that one's a musical yeah yeah so tune in musical yeah uh let's see that was f efg okay oh what do we i'm gonna go to the classic here we grow gargamel wow yeah i remember he was always at attacking the smirfs oh yeah yeah he was a mean oh yeah i don't know how anybody's mean to smirfs but he figured it out yeah so this is um this is what he would do to clear out smurf village okay this is how it would come out it was a really disgruntled anal mist oh oh that's what it would

sound like it was you could hear a voice in it wow but it was very distinct him Almost like a Gregorian chant. Exactly. Exactly. Gargamelian chant. Yeah, so that's like a double G. It's Gargamel and Gregorian. I see what you did.

You double Ged me, G. I took that fart to the Nationals and came in second. What's up, G? Yeah. You jeed me. Okay, I got to go with my G is a ghost fart. Okay. And we've, that's the one where it's late at night.

You're laying beside your lady and you don't want to, You don't want her to know you're cracking some meatloaf. Right. And so you just kind of hold it half in, but you got to let it out slow. It's like, and it sounds like a phantom, like a ghost crawling, like crying out from the nether world. Yeah. I can feel that. And I've witnessed that.

I've experienced that ghost fart. I think everybody hasn't even realized. You thought a window was open or something, but it's not. yeah your ass and your place is haunted yeah and it's like a deep like like low like yeah those are the ones that i've heard oh yeah they're haunting they linger and they even they even sort of they're they're so rich yeah that they even leave kind of a mist like it looks that you think you're seeing a ghost or something like an apparition yeah like you can touch it Like an aspiration, yeah.

An aspiration. Yeah. Yes. And then also, I don't know if you've experienced a ghost fart that's, it's trying to come back. What? From the other side. Your penis. Oh, wait.

Yeah. And so this. What? And you can hear it go. Help. Help. Yeah. It wants help.

That's a really interesting one. Well, so it becomes almost a polter penis joke. Yeah. Like fart. Yeah. So. You're holding it in too much. You're trying not to ghost it, and it reverse.

It's trying to find a way out, and it comes out the little asshole and the tip of your mushroom cap. Yeah, and for that, you need a squeegee board because it gets really messed. Don't you mean a Ouija board? No, this is for a squeege. Like ghosts that like to do windows. A squeegee board. Yep.

An anal window. Wow, well, that brings us rate to age. We're almost a J folks, but I should. I go first this time? Go. The H-fart, halitosis fart. Okay. That's when someone's breath is so fucking bad.

You can't tell their asshole from their mouth. Okay, yeah. And it's like, and it's like, wait, did they just fart or did they just yawn? I can't tell which hole is which with the halitosis fart. Oh, that's a tricky one. Boom, bang. Thank you, Kenny G.

You dirty fucking hairless tramp. Oh, my. Sorry, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that guy. Sharts fired. I get, dude, I get excited with the halitosis fart. Okay.

H. All right. This one is, it's just called a high. And it's when you're ass in a good mood. And it just wants to just be cool. You know what I mean? It doesn't stink.

Right. It just comes out very amicable. Yeah. And, you know, you're at a party wants to be involved. So it'll just go, you can hear it yeah oh yeah it's almost like it's peeking around like a vase

yeah it's just your whole is like and then it goes back waiting for insertion which it depends upon the party i don't know if you're at michael rosenbaum's house or maybe you know there's lots of farts at that house i'll tell you yeah so yeah all right i i i i got how to do it, bro. Embreed fart. Oh, no.

You know those ones when you're in the deep south. You've been sucking back, jumbalaya, you've been eating blackened catfish. You've been shoveling in the craw dads. And you got so much southern food in you, you do an imbred fart. You fart, and it's so spicy. Your eyes actually shift apart about six inches.

Oh, okay. You look like a baby hammerhead shark. And see you got that imbried face. Yeah. You know, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's what the farts sounds like. It's like, it actually, ding, ding, ding, it actually plays, yeah.

Deliverance. Deliverance from evil. The imbred fart, it actually pushes your eyes apart. Okay. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. I.

Okay. Here's mine. I think it's going to be. We're getting there. We're getting there. This is going to be the Icarus fart. Yeah. Too close to your bum.

into Greek mythology. What happened to Icarus? He flew too close to the sun. Yeah. And so this one is like that. Your asshole got too close to its own moon. So it gets,

yeah, just your asshole protrudes. And then it just, this is what it sounds like. Did you just do a swallow? You were like, yeah, because this one, it's really hard to do. So this is when a fart is near, near death and being.

and alive. Okay. So it's the death throws into smellgasms. Wow. Yeah. That just threw my neck out, bro. That's what it does, man.

Wow. You can die from it. Wow, bro. I didn't, you know, I almost forgot about that because we haven't talked about that one for a long time. Yeah. And that one is solely made out of Baba the noosh.

Oh, what? Yeah. All right. We're down to the line. We're going to get to Jay and then we got to take a break because I don't think the viewers can handle the full A to Z. I wasn't ready for it. Right.

But you can't do the full A to Z right through. You got to take a break in between and do other topics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to get to. Okay. So let's do Jay. You got a J one? Yep.

Okay. Let's hear it. I remember this one. Yeah. Jay Leno. This is a Jay Leno fart And it's pretty amicable Yeah

And I don't know if kids remember Jay Leno Yeah this is what he sounds like And this is what his fart sounds like So it comes out It smells Yeah But not terrible Yeah

It's just fine It smells like a lot of other farts It's got pretty good ratings yeah it does okay elderly like it yeah yeah so what's yours j so mine's got to be and it's seasonal it's the jingle bell fart bro okay you know it's the one where everyone's singing a christmas carol in the house is like you know deck the halls with our jingle and everyone sings like a chorus and then a bunch of people who have been sucking back eggnog and eating like putty pop pie and christmas crumble cakes You're like, oh, we're in the middle of a carol, everyone's singing, this is where I can pop on out and no one will hear it.

Right, okay. And then every now and then you hear jingle bells, and you'll be, wait, some of them are out a key there, but it was a jingle bell fart. Okay, I like that. It's festive. Well, it's okay, but what I don't like is they're using our Lord's birthday to mask an anal musk dropping. Right, I see that. And that's a little sacrilegious to me. Okay, I agree with that.

Jingle Bell farts a little tough for me, but I do love the holidays. Okay. Yeah, I love all of that. And that's a valid point that is kind of anti-Christmas. And the fart that is pro-Christmas. Oh. Is silent night. Oh, the silent night.

Yeah. So you don't even hear it. There's no sound for it. We all know it. But we all know it. It's barely even that. It's just this right here. Wow.

It's like Jesus trying to say his first word, but. Correct. This first word, by the way, xylophone. A lot of people don't know. Yeah, that's right. That is correct. Zylophone. Well, that was fun.

I like that. Well, we still got to do, we got two more segments because we got to take the, we're not going to leave them at J. We'll come back, but we got to do K to Q. And then later, at the end of the show, we're going to do R to Z. We got to run the whole thing, guy. Do we have to do it now? No.

No, no, we're going to do other topics. Okay. And then come back to it. I see. Because people, in my experience, people can't handle the full list A to Z in one thing. Yeah, that's true. And now it's time from a word from our sponsors. Hey, football fans, the first Sunday of the NFL season is here.

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Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D. I can spell that because it's my name. Harland, only a Draft King sports book, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. Now, just to be clear, minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See, I'm so excited about this. I'm just stuttering all over the place. So let's go. Let's do this. The NFL season is here. Let's have a little fun, everybody. Come on! So what I want to do is you're from one of my favorite states, Minnesota. I love Minnesota. Minnesota and Canada have a nice relationship because it's right in the border of Canada. It's right on the border.

And Minnesota is a home of hockey in the States. Yeah. I didn't coin that phrase. It's true, even though we lost our fucking hockey team to Dallas, Texas. That makes sense. Broke my heart. Do you know that the Minnesota North Stars was my favorite team as a kid for two reasons. One, Gump Warsley, the goalie.

He looked like curly from. the three stooges. So I loved him. He was big and he had the hair and the little buzz cut and I loved curly. And then two, I didn't know it at the time when I was a kid, but I'm an artist. I'm into graphic design and everything. And I loved the N with the star on the top of it. Yeah, it was phenomenal. And it was green and yellow. I loved the color. So even as a kid, I loved the Minnesota North Stores for their logo, going back to logos. And I loved that curly was the goalie. Yeah. And here's the real kicker.

So my team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, where I grew up, my dad took me when I was a little boy because he knew I loved the Minnesota North Stars. He took me to Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto when I was like, I think it was seven or eight, to watch Toronto play Minnesota, and Gump Worsley was in that, and he was the last goalie in the NHL to not wear a mask. Oh, really? Wow, I didn't know that. Isn't that crazy?

So I watched. a full NHL game with a goalie in the net with no mask and it was Gump Worsley. Isn't that amazing? Imagine not wearing a mask. I know. I still remember. And just that. He didn't wear a clown nose or something?

No, he just had that. You remember Curley had that big like construction work? Like, it was insane, dude. That was bonkers. It was bonkers. And I also loved his name. Like, I'd never heard the word Gumpf Warsley. Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, that's amazing. That's a winner. But anyways, um, Do you have a great Minnesota story for us? Because it's such a fun, like growing up or some kind of fishing story or in the lumber, even in the whatever. There's got,

do you have a really like go-to Minnesota story that we, our folks could love before we get back to farts. Come on, God, do Minnesota, do Minnesota a flavor, will you? I'm trying to think.

I was never like an outdoors person. Okay. I don't have. In a janitor's closet somewhere. What's your Minnesota story, guy? Tell the friendly folk. I'll have to, I mean, I'll have to think about it. I mean, I've got so many that involve alcohol because it's such a drinking state.

Okay. Well, do you want me to tell mine while you think? Yeah, I'll find something. Okay, because I know there's one there. I know he ain't going to let us down, gang. Well, I don't have anything great. Off the top of my head, here's one. And I was headlining a casino in Minnesota.

what town it was up north and it was like in the middle i'd never heard of it and i went up and i sold it out and this woman who ran the show this to me was so minnesota who the woman who ran the show comes backstage she's probably 60 going on 80 yeah your favorite and she yeah and she comes backstage and she goes so which one of you is nick and i go it's me how's it going And she goes, yeah, so I, you sold out tonight. And I go, oh, that's awesome. That's great. Yeah, it's my home state, you know.

And she goes, yeah, I've never heard of you. And then I go, that's fine, you know. And she goes, yeah, but I'm not too happy because you broke Bonnie Rates record. And I go, oh, and she goes, that was the fastest sellout until you came. And Bonnie Rates, great. old like kind of country rock singer but this woman was just so fucking mad that i broke bonnie ray's record she we know what she needed right then and there was a focus group fart right in a rammer wheelchair right down the escalator she needed a fucking booty rate that's what she needed

right in her fucking grill so that's not a great story but then i i always hold on to that you out sold bonnie red wow in that minnesota accent god well i I used to work, I used to do like lumberjacking and all that stuff and Forest Ranger work and stuff. Right. And I worked in a small northern town in Ontario right on the border of Minnesota called Fort Francis. And this is a town that's right on the border. There's actually a crossing, a border crossing there. But these are, they're two little lumber towns.

So both the towns have huge. lumber mills in them and everyone works at the lumber mill okay so i worked up there and my favorite cereal growing up as a as a as a as a as a lad if i can say that lumberjacks if you don't mind me saying we lad in a scho-ish accent i don't like it but yeah okay i don't you like it lad it's upsetting why though what can't i do miss scottish accent with your lad because my dad is um mike my ears he does a scottish accent for shrek all right we'll move out of that right away uh what was your favorite cereal your wife no I didn't mean that

bro it was a knee jerk I heard that it was a knee jerk bro a cry a crying for fart so my favorite so my favorite cereal was now I need to wipe my ass

because that fucking came out good lord now I can't look at you without wife out that's a song I know so my favorite cereal was peanut butter

captain crunch yeah that was amazing and when I was a kid they had it in Canada and then for some reason they discontinued it they stopped making it for Canadians what the F right

it's so weird so I went like for when I was like nine to 10 years old I got all the peanut butter crunch I want to and then right up into my early 20s, nothing. So when I worked up in this little lumber town,

I lived with this old man named Tom. He had a house and had an old bicycle, but it was like a girl's bike. You know, it had the bar that went down instead of a cross. That's odd. And he had a basket on it. And I said, can I borrow your bike one night, Tom? And I drove over the bridge.

I went through customs on this bridge, went to the grocery store on the, other side on the American side filled my basket with like eight boxes of peanut butter captain crunch and then going back over the bridge I thought you know I used to love playing practical jokes and cranking and stuff so I thought I'm going to get up as much speed as I can and I'm going to slam on the brakes raid at the guard booth it was a little tiny guard booth because no one really crossed there so I slammed on the brakes about 80 feet out and I slid all the way past the guard booth and I just saw these two like patrol guards go like they watched me skid by

and the bicycle wheel actually squealed like it rarely happens where you screech a bike wheel right that's how fast I got it going so they called me in and they opened my bags and I got all these boxes of peanut butter cap and crunch and they thought I was like some kind of like drug guy and they detained me they go who as why would you be taking peanut butter cap and crunch in the middle of the night from Minnesota to Ontario, what's going on, guys? So I almost got the rubber glove and everything for peanut butter captain crunch. Did they think they were like peanut butter crack rocks? Like what did they think you were doing? Like it was, well, if you think about it, you're a guard and you know, you're working there 20 years. Have you ever seen an idiot? And I had long hair and I

looked like a wild man, a guy on a girl's bike in the middle of the night. It was just bizarre guy. Yeah, that is bizarre guy. Oh, Bizarro. Are you Bizarro Dosson, the actor? Oh, Chris? Yeah, that's absurd. So what happened? Do they take your cereal?

No, they let me keep it, but I kind of told them, I just fessed up. And after a while, they're just like, okay, get out of here. And then I had got to gorge on peanut butter cap and crunch. They must have opened one box to look in it, right? They probably did. I don't remember. You had, what, nine of them? I had, like, I think I had about five.

I said nine to make it, the store. where he bigger? Well, five is still a lot and it's still weird. Five is a lot. But do you feel like I'm a liar now because I said nine and you're mad? No, I'll get over it, but you look a little mad. What do you mean? Whoa, see, guy, that's passive aggressive anger right there. I feel, I don't know if I feel comfortable. Oh, dude. Almost unleashed the dragon. The shy light. The dragon through his, threw in his two cents. Oh my God. Well, Should we jump back into the next round of the Alphabet Park? Yeah, let me plug my tour, though, before we get carried.

Oh, yeah. Tell us about your tour, Carrie. I'm going after Labor Day, September 8th, I start in Michigan. No way. Not far from Canada. And so I'm going for three months. What? Real Nick Swartson at Instagram and then nickswortson.net has all my tour days.

But I'm going for like three and a half months. You're going to be on the road doing stand-up for the full three. I'm back home six days No Yeah it's gnarly You gotta go see them folks And are these theater tours

Are they club tours or they're both? It's theaters casinos and then some clubs Because it's just making up Days from COVID Yeah yeah yeah So everyone's kind of battling for stage time So some of my favorite theaters I can't do because everyone's just

Like bands everyone's touring again Yeah Magicians Those damn musicians Sioux chefs Yeah Yeah. Well, okay.

So just so we're clear, gang, you got to go see Nick, Hilaire. Where can they, uh, you have a website too, right? Nick Swartson. And then real Nick Swartzon, Instagram's got, I post my days constantly. Yeah. Oh, dude. And anything else? What else you got gone?

You got, uh, I got three movies I finished this year. Nice. So I got, um, this movie, uh, called the binge two, it's a sequel to the binge that Vince Vaughn did for Hulu. Then Christmas at Reno 911 Christmas. No way. Yeah. Oh, Nick in Reno 911.

It's hilarious. The roller skates, bro. On those tight shorts. God, bro. Yeah, I was glad to come back because I lost weight. I'd gotten a little thick. Yeah. For a minute.

Well, people freaking love you in that show. It's amazing. I love that character. Yeah, those fans are great. And then I'm three. The Buddy Games, Part 2, which. we did a buddy games one we filmed in vancouver okay yeah and uh yeah it was me josh damel jack shepherd livi mon kevin dylan dylan dan back at all and then uh we did a sequel it did great

so we're oh wow and they're all like hard art like zero fucks so i'm excited about that it's always fun and the world needs crazy comedy it's so sensitive it's so we need it man everything's become everyone's so afraid and stepping on eggshells it's so dumb and don't you think it's the opposite now like i feel like when i do stand up i'm like oh I'm just going to say whatever the fuck I mean I did anyway yeah but now I'm really like like don't tell a comedian what not to say yeah yeah yeah like hey yeah can you not I'm like no I remember I would do gigs and they would offer me colleges when I do colleges and uh they would be like yeah you can't say these things and I'm like well then I'm not doing it yeah but then they

would tell me when I showed up it was too late and I'm like okay and they were like yeah and then I would go on and just go rogue I did a college, it was a Catholic college in Boston. Oh, yeah. And I just go up and fucking tank. I'm like, oh, I'm not doing well at all. And I get off after an hour. By the way, bombing for an hour is awkward junction.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I get offstage, I'm like, and they're like, that was great. And I'm like, really? Because that was, I mean, I've done stand up a long time. That didn't feel great. Yeah, you know. And they were like, well, look in the back of the theater. And it was all priests and nuns staring at all the kids.

So, like, they couldn't laugh. Oh, they weren't allowed to laugh. Well, they were just, like, scared because they were just standing behind them. Yeah, there would have been a burning later. Yeah, they would have, somebody would have gotten rocked or stone, or whatever it's called. A couple witches would have been discovered.

Yeah. And then ignited by witch farts. That's my W I'm using. Oh, wow. That's what it sounds like, come up your ass. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah.

Wow. Yeah, I did a college in Boston, one of those kind of Catholic or religious universities or colleges or whatever, and I go, and they put me in a chapel. I'm not kidding, they had me do the show in the chapel on the altar with a stained glass cross behind me. And then on the walls were portraits of all the deans over the years, like, you know, just sitting there in black suits. And to my amazement, the show actually went great. I thought I was, you might as well bring me up and crucify me. Put me up on that cross. Right. I thought I was going to die a miserable.

I actually had a really good show, but the kids were sitting in pews. That's so weird. It was bizarre, dude. Yeah, that is bizarre. And I, God, people don't realize as a stand-up, just some of the gigs that you do. It's just, I mean, it's absurd. And the college ones are the worst. Colleges can be terrible.

Yeah, they can be. I did one in a gym, because you never know what you're getting at a car. I show up at the gym. They rolled in two tripods with two boasts speakers on them, and a gym's echoey to begin with. So they've paid no heed to the acoustics. Right. So now I'm in this gym where it sounds like I'm one of the Ricolo guys,

you know, farting into his hash pipe up there. So every joke has an echo on it. Yeah. And I'm about 15 minutes. in and I'm like, this is a nightmare, and God must have heard me, the power went out and the whole building. And I'm there in the dark. We're in the pitch black. And I'm like, thank you. And they ended the show early. Wow. That's great. That is a God's act. It's a miracle of Helen Keller's Christ. Oh, bless her. Bless your legs. I did. By the way, just can I go back to how adorable you are? Can I say one

more thing? Yes, you get one more. Because just you're sitting there and it's just adorable. And I think what I would do is I would go so far as to go to the ocean, spray a butter pam on my arm or on my legs, get my legs bitten off by a hammerhead shark, then get my nubs, my pink like fleshy nubs, and just slap your face back and forth between them. Just, you know, just because just you're adorable, is that okay? Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Okay, I'm just, it's a compliment. Are you going to wear a condom? No, it's on my legs guy. No, I know on your legs. My sweet nubbins.

On your legs? Are you going to wear condoms on your nubbins? It's just with everything going around gerbil pox. Coconut cream pie. Coconut cream pie pox. Yeah, got it. Yeah. I just got to be careful, man.

You want me to use protection when I slap your face around with my nubbins. Yeah. I can do that. Yeah. And that's also, you got to hear our album, Comfortably Nub. It's a Pink Floyd. I have become comfortably nub. Yeah.

You'll weep, you'll we'll we won't spoil it. Yeah. Yeah, I had to do a set once when I started out back in the day. Yeah. I was really physical. You were? Yeah, I was running around and stuff. And I did a corporate gig in Minnesota.

And they had a microphone at a podium and it wouldn't come off. Oh, God. So you picked the podium up and we're walking around. I'm doing your bits. I wish. No, I had to just sit there and eat hot shit and just do. I had bits about like animals and running around. I want about a lizards, like what they do to like protect themselves and they run around the stage.

I just had to stand there at a podium like, yeah, so lizards are weird. There's a lizard in Africa where it, when it's threatened. And then I would just explain what I would be doing if this gig wasn't from fucking hell. Yeah, because some of those physical bits, if you can't. can't move. The physicalness is part of the punchline. Yeah. It's a whole part of the bit. It's the whole, it's all choreographed. Yeah. Oh, man, that's brutal. Corporates are rough. I remember what I did a corporate gig one time in New York. And this is when I was already established and everything. And I was sober at the time. So I was like, oh, I was like really

focused. Like everybody is when they're sober. So I'm like, yeah. So I go, I'm going to do some research on this company. Yeah. So I did research. I did like everything. And, like, sometimes they'll hand you a packet and they'll be like, Debbie is a terrible driver. Gary in accounting is really slow, you know, just stupid shit. Mark's got diarrhea. So I just memorized everything, learned about the company, and I'm just killing. This is in, right outside New York and Jersey. And I'm killing.

Everything's going great. For some reason, don't know why I did this. I just got cocky and I pointed somebody in the crowd and I go, well, that guy's for sure on Coke. and then dead silence And I'm like Hey And they were like quiet And the guy goes

I'm the guy who fucking pays you man And I go Oh okay And then I just did like a couple more bits And then dismounted And then afterwards they were like Yeah that's Rick He's been to rehab for cocaine

I fucking picked the one guy That had a coke problem Damn I mean it was just probably like 200 people just dead silence and I was like wow yeah it was I'm surprised it wasn't the other reaction where everyone knew he was the boss

he was probably a jerk well I think it was both I think it was like he's a fucking asshole right but then also he's a cokehead but what I'm saying is I'm surprised everyone didn't laugh at him because that was their moment to laugh because you did it not them so they're allowed to laugh so they were been holding in their coke laugh

yeah for like a decade right and plus he's an asshole too, so this was their moment where they could have just exploded. Why didn't they? Well, that would have been definitely. I don't know. I'll go back. I mean, this was eight years ago, but I think they're still there at the hotel.

They've got to still be there. Probably. Was it the Overlook Hotel? Correct. Yeah, they're still there. Yeah. You're lucky you're not still there. Yeah, but I mean, the great thing about that hotel is that it's never overlooked.

They're on every detail that's going on. We'll be right back with more hotel talk. No. I don't think we're going to come back. Whoa. That was a ghost fart. Yep. It's here.

There's a presence. Well, what do you think? Should we skip down to R to Z and save K to Q for next time? Yeah, I like that. Let's do it. We'll save the middle farts. So let's go R to Z. Okay.

We'll end it out with R to Z farts. Okay. R. What do you got? that's a pirate fart are yeah oh i get it you see where i'm going with this where you're no but it's like this

wow wow help yeah so that's when a pirate is on the sea and it's just salt it's just salt water and fucking gold they eat gold it's like a black beard fart like it's so turbulent that the pubic hair is like

form into a beard around the bottom of your arsoleckish brown beard wow he has a lot of blood in the stool all right go are oh i gotta say uh how about a rumple still skin fart oh of course where you're asleep you're having a nap like it's the middle of the day and you feel like you've been sleeping for a hundred years and and you wake yourself up oh what the fuck you know your own fart wakes you up yeah that's helpful rumpel stills it's like almost like an alarm yeah it is it's like a power Power ass alarm. Yeah, wake you up. QR.

S. Okay. Oh, God. Here we go. I'm going to go. I'm going to take my S and W at the same time. Yeah. Sigourney Weaver.

Wow. America's sweetheart, Sigweave. Yeah, yeah. Here we go. It's when, it's kind of a, if there's an alien attack, this is where this fart comes in handy. Yeah. So the alien comes at you. Yeah.

And then your ass just goes, yeah, and it hypnotizes the alien, and then he dies. I've seen one. I was at a nudist colony once, and someone bent over and did a Sigourney Weaver fart right in my face. Their asshole was right here in my face. Their asshole opened. I'm thinking the fart's coming.

A second asshole comes out. Oh. Right in my face. Oh, my gosh. Fucking Sigourney weavered me right in the face. Yeah, that's terrifying. Yeah. But it can ward off aliens.

Yeah, it's a tough one. Okay, S, I got to go with Dr. Seuss. Okay, yeah. That's when you do a fart that's so all over the place. You don't know what caused it. What's like a Lorox? It's a thing one thing two. A Hooville.

A Hooville. It's a Grinch. It's a gorgledy schmork, the Bluntty Flunk. Like it's just like, you don't know. you can't get your head around to Dr. Seuss fart. It's like green eggs and ham coming out of a Denny's waitress's nightmare ass or whatever. Jesus, Lord. Sorry, guy.

Pray more. What? All right, tea. All right, here's mine. Yes. Tiny Tim. From back to Christmas. Yeah.

Sweet tiny Tim. That tiny Tim. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, where he's walking with his crutch. Yeah. And you can actually hear his asshole go, say, God bless us all, every bun. Yeah.

So it comes out and it's like, so it's like, it's spiritual. I've seen him if you look at the outtakes from that movie. He does, he pushes one out so hard. that he actually twirls on his cane and does a full rotation. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, yeah. Right, I like that.

Okay, I got to do, my tea is obviously the T-Rex fart. Right, okay. From Jurassic Park. Okay. I mean, that's one where you fart so hard, your arms actually get sucked in and your assholes just like, you know, and you're like flailing, but your arms don't pop back out for about three or four weeks.

Oh, wow. That's if you eat a lot of eggplant, uh, apple bees, cheesecake, cheesecake. Yeah. Garlic cheesecake.

All in one night. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. You. I mean, oh, here we go.

Oh, God. This one is called a you hall. And this is where you fill up your underwear. So much that you've got to drag it along with you. Yeah. Because there's so much stuff in it. Oh, shit.

Yeah. And it just, it's a really heavy fart. And it comes with a lot of accoutrema. Yeah. And it's really, it just goes, oh, yeah. And it just fills up like a popcorn bag in the microwave. Yeah.

But then you have to carry it around. It doesn't go away for months. It can be months because it takes that long to move it. All right. My U is obviously, we've talked about this before when we were camping the umbrella fart, where you're walking down the street and you're holding it in. You're trying to get to the office to let it rip in the, the bathroom and you've held it in too long and it comes out so strong it's like

and your pants like blow out like an umbrella yeah and you get pulled down the street like you're in a hurricane well yeah gone it's like but if you're if you're ready for it though you can stand on your hands and it protects you from the rain yeah so the umbrella fart comes out and then you're fine but you you've never learned to walk on your hands i remember we were trying to teach you yeah that's been tough that's been tough Yeah, I have, well, with my rheumatoid arthritis and my leprosy, it doesn't make it easy guy. No, it doesn't. But if this shows about making fun of me, I guess we can.

Well, I think the air is cleared on lepers, so I think it's time they get their comeuppance. Okay. Well, that moves us into V. What's your, what's your V fart? Oh, here we go. I'm going to say, Ben Diesel Yeah

Fast and furious Yeah And it's kind of like Yeah It's in a way where it comes out And it's It just wants to be known But not too much

It's very subtle Yeah And it's very deep It just comes out like this It's almost like a didgeridoo. But it's not. It's a VIN. And it's the only fart that actually wears a wife-beater t-shirt, too.

That's correct. It comes out in a wife-white-beater. Wow. Okay, V. I got to go with vagina, bro. Virgina? Yeah. It's the only, it's like the only fart that comes out the front.

Okay. And it's when a woman's excited. She's been watching, like, too many Brad Pitt movies, or she's eating too much popcorn and just poof, you know? And the lips are flapping like, two Chinese sharpets and a windstorm. Oh. Yeah.

It's a very like, fart. Yep, I can see that. Yeah. I can see that. We're a W now, guy. We're almost at the finish line, guy. I know.

I'm going to say Willie Wonka. It's a double W. Wow. Double U. Yeah, W too. Yeah. So, yeah, that one. Oh, God.

That one is really aggressive because it creates a chocolate factory. So you've got to really be in an open space Because there's going to be Waterfalls of warm chocolate Yeah And if you do I saw one guy do one so hard once He actually produced an oompa lupa

Oh my gosh Yeah he was like And this umpa lupa came out And ran through the movie theater And disappeared Oh that's adorable Yeah That's adorable

All right W W I got to go with oh god how about where's waldo fart oh yeah yeah find it well you got to find it it's one of those ones it's like and it floats around the room and you want to take sometimes you want to take credit for a fart because it's so ripe but you can't fucking find it it's like hey guys i just did an eggplant parmesan and wait go stand by the piano i think you'll smell it over there and then the whole party everyone's running around the room Where's Waldoing your fart?

Yeah, I've been there. It's a toughie. But you can burn calories with the Where's Waldo fart because there's a lot of chasing and moving around. But it's like solving a Nancy Drew mystery, the stink of the rotten anus or whatever. Oh, yeah, I love that one. All right, X guy, here we go. This is a toughie.

This is a tough one. I'm going to go with the X-Men fart. I had a feel on you would. Yeah, and it comes out. And this is, it goes back to my, part of my W one, too, where it's, it's very, it's got a lot of powers. Yeah. So when it comes out, it comes out very sharp, like Wolverines Clause. And then it, it pulls things in, like Magneto.

Wow. So it just comes out. And then tractor beam, and then pulls things into your body. Yeah. It's like a reverse suck fart. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Well, I got to go with the X-rated fart. And that's the one where, you know, if you're a guy and you got your partner and you stuff it in so far and so deep, it has no choice but to push out a gas puff. You know, we've all done those. Yeah. An X-rated fart. Yeah, that makes sense. They're tough to talk about. Yeah.

Because they smell like fart, but they also have a, they're all. also they can arouse you because they smell sexy yeah like whenever there's sex involved it's it's game on yeah i like that and it's game me it's game me uh so now we're down to the final two why bro oh there we go it's called a yawn what yeah and it's when your assholes really tired and your butt opens its mouth right butt mouth and it just is like you can also do it simultaneously where it's like, but it comes in, and you can feel your butt lips.

Yeah. Yeah, why's tough. And this one I don't, you've asked me not to bring this one up, but I got to for the gang. Your wife fart. And I know she was killed yours. Well,

if you're going to laugh at your wife, she was killed in a track. accident about 15 years ago. What people don't realize is when you decompose, the body fills with gases. And so every time, and I do this every year on the anniversary of your wife's death, I go to her grave and I lay down flowers.

Thank you. And I step on the grave and it shifts the earth. And I go, I love you, Donna. And then one of her dead zombie farts comes up and I get a your wife fart right in the face. So I know I don't, You don't like to talk about it, but it's out. Okay.

Sorry. Well, no, it's beautiful. I like that. My wife appreciates that. Yeah. Oh, there's a ghost. Wow. We're at the end, bro.

Z. Lay it on me. Okay. Do you want me to go first? Yep. I think, you know, where I'm going with this, the old zebra fart, where you know, zebras have all the stripes, and you fart so violently that you create stretch marks

around your asshole and it looks like somebody cut open a giant redwood and you're looking at the rings in the tree it's like stripes it's like stripes so zebra fart just you're gonna stretch mark your a pipe right out guy like that yeah like that a lot yeah you get the last one brocefayosh this one is called a zoo fart and it's just a cacophony of sounds it's so many farts that have been kept hostage in a zoo like animals are they're caged up and this fart it's everything you could imagine so it just starts out friendly yeah and then it's like yeah it is the best one to on so many smells so there you go gang your farts we we left out yeah we left out k to q but when you come back we're going to cover those okay we're going to do k to q but last thing before we go

because we're comedians he's adorable i try to be adorable uh give us if you can bud one of the favorite jokes can be from anyone from any era from any time what's one of your favorite jokes you've ever heard can you tell it before we close the doors on today's pod god i've got so many but i would say um stephen right oh here we go let's hear it and i'm loosely paraphrasing yeah but one of my first albums i got as a stand-up was uh i have a pony by stephen right okay and he had a joke and he goes yeah i got uh picked for jury duty it's a really weird case 10,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant he goes I know some of the ants and they would never do anything like that it's amazing

and so bizarre I love it I love I love Stephen Wright man yeah he's brilliant it's just so funny all right I'm gonna end I heard this one from a British comic just for last one year I can't remember his name, so I hope if he ever sees us, he knows how much I love it. He kind of... Dorney Weaver? No, no, it was a guy. It was a guy looked a bit like a disheveled old Woody Allen, but a younger version.

Okay. But he did this show, British accent, and he goes, I went to meet my mate for lunch the other day, right, downtown. He works in an office building. I went in the office building. I walked up to the receptionist, receptionist sitting at a desk. Behind her, there's a sign.

It says, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps. And she'd written it in her own feces. That's great. I love that, Joe. And I love you, friend. I love you, too. Very much, Harlan.

I think I love you more, though, is what I'm trying to say. I think you do. And now I'm worried about, I don't know how I leave. I'll be back. But Nick Swartzon.com. Yes. Real Nick Swartz on Instagram. Yes.

Check out a live show. Also see Harlan Live. He's great. we do a lot of shows in L.A. together at the improv. The improv, yeah, yeah. But Ket, I'm telling you, gang. Catch Nick. He's hilarious.

You're going to love him. Go to all his Instagrams, all his stuff. Fart.org. Yeah. I don't know if that exists, but it will. It does now. I just bought it. Folks, that's it for today.

Thanks for being here on the Harlan Highway. Until next time, watch your farts and chicken. mean, baby.