The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #27 -KIRK FOX, Comedian, Actor

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Funnyman Kirk Fox is here to give parenting advice and tell us stories about skin on skin, things that happen in the dark. Get 20% off and free shipping with our code HARLAND at manscaped.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway show Harland Williams. You know and you know we're recordings when I hit this theme music. Yeah, there he is. This is it. This is it. You're here, buddy.

I felt I was here even before the music. Yeah. I think that could have been some of our best stuff. So you're saying the stuff before the camera was rolling was probably better than anything we're going to do now. Well, I think it could be equal. But I also feel that those moments were nice because I was a little just getting a feel for the room. Yeah. That awkwardness in life is sometimes where the magic is.

Because it's so real. It's just, you know, it's just getting comfy is important. I say we take as long as we need just to get comfy. Well, I'm comfy now. I think this is as comfy as I will get. What if I offered you like a couple hours at a red roof end, to have a nap or something first? I mean, if you want to go up to Napa, then it takes, did you say Napa?

No, I said I have a nap. I didn't say Napa. That's wine country. I'm not paying for that. I'll pay for like a 32, dollar a night room at Red Roof Inn, but if you think I'm taking you, paying for you to go up to nap and sip wine and live up, you can go suck a raw egg plant. I'm going to have to see that.

I didn't realize the screen is on me. Yeah. That's good lighting. If you were aware of my ADD, you would have made sure that that was hidden, but that's okay. Oh, really? You're into math? The screen? I can add it up.

Yeah, I didn't know you're into ADD. I was hoping you'd subtract the screen up there. No, no. Okay, I'll stay on you. Yeah, yeah, guy, right here. Zoning, how are you? Oh, by the way, welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast, guy. Kirk Fox is here.

I'm Kirk Fox. Thank you. Nice to see you. I will stay on that camera. You can stay, you can look around anywhere, a comedian, actor, writer. Just a man. Just a human. We don't need titles here.

I'm just a man trying to. trying to make it through the 90s. Oh, the 90s. I can't believe we're in the middle of the 90s. I know. Andre Agassi just shaved his hair, finally got rid of that hair. Pete Sampras was strong. Yeah.

He would sleep a lot. 12, 13 hours a night he would need. Is that right? That's what I heard. That's what koala's, I think koala's sleep most of the... Sampra's, that's his favorite pet. Is that right? He liked the koala.

It was his style of play. Oh, wow. You know, koala is serving volley. Yeah, and they got that koala grip on the rackets. At least three prongs. Yeah, and that claw thumb. I mean, you get the koala grip. That's what Federer has.

Can I do something as a friend? Sure, guy, yeah. Do they have fingers or claws? And how many? Do you know what a koala is packing? Yeah, they got three fingers. Okay. And then the opposable thumb.

So did they lose the pinky? No, they were. were born. They're called marsupials. Okay. And they're bipedal. And they, they, they, they like boys and girls. Yeah, they're orthodox, uh, uh, dementiaoid, um, super. See, these are things I don't know. Yeah. From Thunderdome. Yeah. It's a little city. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But this is good. So if I ask you a question, I can get an answer. Oh yeah, guy. I'm here for. I'm the host. Okay. So I'm the host. Okay. So I let in. with Sampras koala too. And you told me that it's tough to hold a racket with just three.

Yeah. Now I really want to see, like, I'd like to see Serena Williams or Federer actually play a koala. Well, you might see that with Federer now. He's retired. And I believe Serena is done. But I want to see them at Wimbledon. I want to see Federer, Quiet, please. Federer, Cowala. Don't feed the koala. What? You don't feed the koala. Maybe you don't, bro. I'll stuff a fucking loaf of white bread down its little face.

No one's going to say that this was easy to follow. You know what I liked about tennis? You played a lot of tennis, but here's what I loved about tennis. It's the only sport where the judge shushes you. Like, you know, people are yelling, it's quiet, please, quiet please, quiet please. As in golf also, they will silence it. They do? They let you know that someone's...

What do they say? golf because the tennis is quiet, please. I think they might say, shh, someone's putting. Oh, wow, that's even worse. I wish, you know, you're a parent, and I wish all... Am I? Well, you're...

I mean, we haven't spoken in a while. Oh, okay. As I was driving up here, I really thought about how great it would be if I could stay up here. Oh, yeah? At the studio? Sure, guy. We'll just put a pillow out here.

And you're in. It seems to be about the right length. Well, nothing's the right length for you. When you asked me if I wanted to come up and do podcast, correct? Yeah, this is a podcast. See, podcast. Well, it's kind of faded, but I see highway. Harland is me, and highway is, that's the basis for the different backdrops

because we're on the highway, we're challenged, and this is the podcast. But when you ask, I usually don't like to do these. Really? I just, it's too much talking. Oh, okay. But now I'm trying to get out of my house more because of the wife and child. The child. So when you said, do you want to come?

I said, yes. I didn't even really know what we were going to do. I still don't know. I don't have a clue. Is this what people do on a podcast? I don't even know what we're doing. They just talk. I wish I knew it was happening right now.

Well, it was fun to drive here. We are neighbors driving up the hill. I saw a lot of furniture scattered. Oh, God, yeah. And I couldn't help but just imagine how much DNA and evidence was possibly in the couches and chairs. Did you stop and pull over and just get out and sniff a couch? Like just put your face right in. I slowed down and I did yell at some furniture to get a room.

Oh, that's, that's, yeah. That felt to me like the right thing. That's politically correct. Get a room. Get a room. Because there was a couch on top of a mattress, and I don't want to see that. Yeah, get a bedroom, I think. Get a room, make it a room.

Anywhere they go, that'll become sort of a room. That's actually the perfect saying that fits there. I thought it was. I hope I didn't peek on my way here. You know, that's saying. is, you know, you typically would think that saying was meant for humans. But no one's ever applied it to furniture, and you just did it. And that's exactly the right fit.

And I think that's why you're the right fit for the Harland Highway podcast. I'm just happy to be here. I'm happy to be anywhere. And yes, you said I was a family, man, I guess. Well, I have a parenting tip for you because going back, I know it's not easy having a kid, and they're all, they're energetic, and they're running around, they're screaming. So what I'm saying is. I have nothing in common with my foresight.

Right. But what I'm offering to you... Once she stopped breastfeeding, we had nothing to talk about. Oh, you were doing the breastfeeding. Yes. Oh, guy. I would find the tit. Uh, whoops. Oh. Party foul guy. So am I not allowed to curse? Would you, boob is better? No, you can curse. It wasn't, I'm not saying the curse was a party foul. Uh, the wife's supposed to let the suckling happen. No, I find a tit anywhere. This wasn't just the wife. Oh, it wasn't your tit? No. Oh, I thought you, the child, the child wine was doing a suckling on daddy dingle bumps. No, no dingle bumps. I just said, you know, if the child needs a tit, I'm going to find it. Oh, so you go, where do you go to the mall, the food park? You just ask.

Like who, anyone with a tit. So who, can you give me an example of a tit donor? A woman. Okay, but what ethnicity? Where? What mall in the park on the street, Baskin Robbins? It's never about the flavor of. the tit so when you bring in ethnicity yeah it's just a tit a tit is a tit is a tit which is another saying you should say to mice as you said get a room to the furniture a tit is a tit is a tit is to because there's a species of mouse called the tit mouse there is there is you are an educator uh i'd heard of i'd heard of tit mice but i i didn't know it was did your kid ever suck a tit Mice? Possibly. And I only say that because we have mice in the house. Yeah, probably

titmice. Do they have nipples on their heads? Not by choice. Okay, well, that's how you tell if it's a tip mouse. There's been a few times where the child has screamed in the middle of the night making owl noises. No, she said there was a rat on her. And when I opened the door, a rat did leave her room. Tit mouse. But I said that's impossible. I let her know that it wasn't possible. They exist. But we do have rats in our house. It's an old house.

You should, if you've got rodents in the house, you should warn your wife about the clit rat, because those will jump on you in your sleep. Well, I don't think that's something she should be against. Well, if I'm not finding it, they won't.

Leave it to a rodent. Yeah. If you can't find it, I've never looked. I've never looked. I'm not here to bring joy to my wife. Yeah. That's something she should do on her own. She should send away to DeVry or go online or something. I don't go online. I don't have the internet. Oh, you don't? What do you do? Conch shell or? I just live in the past. I'm a bit of a Luddite. The 90s? Early 90s? Early 90s. You did say it was the 90s when we started. And that's pre-internet, really. The early 90s. That's where I'm at. That's where you are.

Wow. I just don't want to be found. Yeah. And what better way to not be found than to be on a podcast with three running cameras? I mean, that's all right. I'm just working on that one. Okay. Well, there are two others.

Just I hope you don't mind. Those are for you. But anyways, I was going to say with your out of control, a tit-sucking kid, if you ever can't find the energy for the kid, I would, out of the goodness of my heart, rent for you a tennis coach so have them in the house and every time the kid acted up just quiet place quiet play and the kids yell at a quiet place so the kid won't sleep he comes up from under the bed quiet please so now there's someone else in the house well there is but you're

paying for him he's a he's a line he's a judge i just you know i'm trying to not have money so i don't know how i would pay well i did offer to pay for the judge so you don't need me. It'd still be in the house. I'd still be in the house. I like it quiet. I just have some bricks. I have a kind of an office downstairs I stay in. But this guy, what I'm telling you, these guys are trained to deal with children so he could be under the bed where you won't see him. The kids crying in the bed. But he seems loud. He sticks at a quiet place. See, but even that, the way you're showing me how. Well, I'm not professional. I don't, I'm not a real line, Judge. But wouldn't be that loud? I believe it would.

I mean, you've seen tennis. Yeah, I don't like that. Okay. If he could maybe say, excuse me, quiet. Oh, so a golf guy. Shh. Your daddy's in the other room. Hey, kid, shut the fuck up.

How do they say it? Well, kid, shut up. There's a rat on you. Oh, clit rat. Yes. No, I think you mean a tip mouse. It doesn't matter. It's clit.

So close. Have you ever seen a cock muskrat when you're out canoeing or anything like that? No, but I've looked for one. Okay. And how do you do that? Do you abate it? I did see a cock once while canoeing,

but it wasn't on a muskrat. It was just someone I was with. Oh, you canoe naked with guys? No, I wasn't naked. But the guy was. Suddenly he was. The guy you were canoeing with. So it was kind of, you know,

I've been watching Dahmer, so that shit's in play. Well, the good thing about that is if you're canoeing and you get lost, You got food. I mean, you got, if you're watching Dahmer, your canoe buddy is also like lunch. Speaking of, before we go any further. Can I tell you one thing about canoe and then we'll get to. Okay, okay.

Because we're talking about food, but let's go back to it. So this is for real, and it'll tie into canoe. Okay. It's just some hair on me. Yeah, it's all over your head and your face. So I've actually researched because when I die, why are you looking at that? Are you not in focus? Well, I thought I saw a fly.

Now, would a fly bother you? No, but I thought I think it might be an anus fly. That's all right. I'll let you know in a minute. Okay. If it gets down low. But the way I want to die. Yeah.

Well, not so much the way I want to die, but how I want to be disposed of. Okay. I've been looking into Viking funerals. Oh, like a funeral pyre. Nice. And there is a permit for it, and I've put in, I've made the call with the city. Wow. So, because once you die, if it becomes a religious thing.

Right. So I would like to be put in a little canoe. Yeah, with twigs. And I'd want to be wrapped in newspaper. Okay. And I thought maybe the sports section low, because I'm athletic. from the waist down. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Maybe the comics up top. Okay, okay. I want to be wrapped in paper. Like fish and chips. Exactly. And they send you out in the canoe and three or four friends that I've already, I have them doing some archery.

I'm paying for archery. Flaming arrows? But I haven't told them that it's going to be flaming. I just told them something's coming up that I think will be fun and I want to pay for some archery class. Okay. So they're doing it.

But when the time comes, when I'm dead, they will see it in my will that a Viking funeral. They're going to shoot flaming arrows just off the coast of La Jolla, down in the La Jollaure Shores. Oh, wow. You know that seal country, right? Did you just eat the fly? I ate the hare. Oh, I thought I don't hear the fly anymore, so I thought maybe you ate the anus fly. That's the Viking funeral.

Did you just eat the anus fly? It tasted possibly. Like shit? Yeah. Okay, that was an anus fly. They're small. Horsefly. That was their anus, because you didn't really feel it going,

but when you were talking about being burned alive, I think an anus fly flew in your mouth. That's how I want to be disposed of, a real Viking funeral. Okay. There is one drawback. What's that? Well, sometimes I do canoe.

Yeah. At night. A night canoeer. Yeah. And I fall asleep sometimes in meditate on a lake. Oh, wow. Wow. And I'm afraid my friends.

when they see me out in the canoe asleep, they will think that they've missed the memorial and just start shooting flaming arrows at me while I'm sleeping in the canoe. And then I will die and be buried at the same time. So that'll probably be a Viking death and funeral to be shot to death while you're alive with arrows. That's very Viking.

Is it really Viking, though, your canoe is filled with like, you know, charglo, like barbecue briquettes? I'm not, I'm not steaming it. Oh. I'm just, I'm wrapped in paper and twigs. Okay, because when I die, I'm going to do a bamboo walk. I want to be steamed. So you want to be a Chinese?

Chinese funeral. I want to be a bamboo walk steamed. If we die at the same time, It's going to be delicious. And we do a Viking. Bambo steamer. And a Viking Chinese funeral? Wow.

I think we're on to something. I think we've got to figure out how to die together. Well, it might. It could happen right now. It could happen right now. It could be a gas leak we don't know about. Vetus gyrillitis died in a gas leak. Enous what?

Vetus gyrillitis. No, thanks. I'm busy. The what? Tennis player? So you're bringing it back to, so is he a koala? Well, he'd won the Australian Open once. He was a koala.

But he died from a gas leak out in his guest house. Really? Yeah, fell asleep, didn't wake up. So it could happen to us. Wait, if he had a house, why was he in his guest house? He liked to sleep out there. Did the gas ignite? Because that would have been a koala funeral.

Nice. It all ties in, man. Well, can we go back to food for a second? We can go anywhere you want. Well, I want to welcome you here. Is our time almost up? No, we're just getting started, but I want to welcome you here. How long are these?

This one's going to be an hour. So you've got, we've only done 15 minutes. You better. I baked you a pie just as a welcoming gift of raspberry pie. I've been slaving in the kitchen. Okay. Just, you know, that's for you to take home. I will take it home?

Well, you better. I've been baking all day. Okay. And I will say, thank you. you for that. Now you're looking there again. Well, it's, it's a comedy vehicle I use. It's called the look away into the camera. It's called the drift. No, it's like every time I kind of pull some kind of a gag, I do one of these. It's like, so now I know. Yeah, you can do them too. Do you want to do a few? I just did.

Well, like here's if you said, you know, I saw some furniture. I told them to get a room. Nice. And then drift back. Okay, I like this. But anyways, I hope you like Raspberry. I grew them myself. Let me just try one. Okay. So I've been watching this Dahmer show.

Okay. And he's very consistent. Okay. It appeared that he was on brand his whole life. I like that. Do you believe he was on brand? Well, there was one issue. If I could just, because I'm.

I do this. No, I do this all the time. Professionally? And what helps is if there's like a punchline or a joke. You don't do the look away just on a sentence. Like I went to the store today and bought some fresh groceries. You need a punchline guy. I thought brand was pretty strong. Well, wait.

It's very subliminal. Maybe explain it to me then because did I miss the punchline? Because I'm embarrassed now. and listen he was consistent he was a little weird out of the gate always liked cutting things up and well you're he lived in a gated community i thought he lived like on a street uh dommer yeah out of the gate i'm gonna have to check

i went to yours you went to mine see what i did there you said out of the gate and then i know i get you got but see i I see what I mean. I'm a professional. I did the look. I'll work on that. Work on it. Would you like to sniff your pie and maybe clear your bread?

Do you like raspberries at all or have a nice deep? It's cold. Well, yeah, I want to. So now I'm a little worried. It doesn't feel, it doesn't feel fresh. What are you doing? You don't touch food like that. I do.

You don't put your whole palm over a pie. It's not a boy's forehead at a. This smells. this smells good you have you have scent glands in your hand oh that's nice so I'll eat that tonight to eat that tonight but it's freezing yeah well I wanted to keep it fresh

and I have sometimes I use my fridge as an oven have you given these to others you're the first and then I just eat this tonight you eat it tonight raspberry pie you can heat it up and I've been slaving at some point you cut it I spend slaving and ice cream goes with it You can have it Alamode.

Do you speak French at all? Do you know what Alamode means? Jean-Suite Connum. Oh, Sebon. I'm just a duck. That's all I know. Ah, Flack! That's fine also.

I did a play. See, Guy, if you're going to keep missing it, I might bring the pie back. I might have to take the pie back. This would be a tough one to edit this podcast. There's no editing. That's now we're talking.

Guy, I just told you, I'm a professional. I don't mean to say, listen, but this feels good. Well, I don't know if you want to hit it around. Pies are delicate like a child, and you're like smacking it in the head like a basketball. I mean, that's a raspberry pie. Slaved over it. I know.

You keep saying that? I don't like the way you're hitting it around. I will eat the pie tonight. And can I just say thank you for the pie? You're welcome, friend. Super. Hey, everybody. Let's take a little break and catch our breath right now and hear a word.

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Don't throw your back out. Hold on, I'm doing my look. I like that. She's a mathematician and I said hi. No, I know. If you could not interrupt. I'm in the middle of my comedy look away. And back.

Okay, so bro what's going on in the world like is it is it getting quick can you break it down to me why everyone's so angry why everything's so crazy what's happening to people well i you find it to be that way i think the world has tipped i think most people are frightened they're losing all of their money and food is hard to find i think the apocalypse is coming and whoa talk to me and i'm looking forward to it. You are. I think... I sort of always have too. I think I'm built for the apocalypse. Talk to me, guy. Talk to me. Talk to me. You got a pie. You're ready to go. Why do you think you're built for the

apocalypse? I like this. I'm a minimalist. Yeah. I don't require a lot of water. Basically a succulent. These are all things that come into play. Wait, you're part succulent. I am part. I don't need water. I'm very quiet so I'm not going to give away our location okay I don't like looting I'm not going to be doing any looting or pillaging I'm just built for and I'm tall yeah I can pick fruit and hand it out to the short people yeah yeah I just want the body serve naked that's kind of something I think about a lot I love the ocean I love salt water when it dries on my testes oh really you get that kind of almost like a pie crust.

It kind of bubbles. So I do like that. Yeah. I'd like to make IPA. I want to make beer. Okay, your own beer. I'd like to teach tennis to supermodels for hand jobs. Wait.

There's no cash after the apocalypse. Are there supermodels? Yes. Come on. If you are a supermodel before the apocalypse, you're going to be after. If you have soft hands after the apocalypse, you're going to get free tennis lessons.

Hand jobs are the future. Whoa, guy. That's currency. Oh. So, yes, I have thought a lot about the apocalypse, and I could probably lead the resistance if we're resisting something I'm against. What if the, are you worried about zombies or anything, though?

I'm not really worried about anything. I feel if the apocalypse hits, I'm no longer married. I'm no longer a father. Yeah. Just free. It's kind of the only way out, I see. Yeah.

Because I'm married for land. I don't really get. I don't have any money. I just, she feeds me and the kids there. How many acres did you get in the marriage? I think there's one up there. One acre. And that's worth a lifetime of a vow till death do us part.

Which is vague. For an acre. And very dramatic. The real question about that is, is it murder if, if you don't try and save them. Oh. Because of Till Death, do you part. Every movie, every tsunami, guys are dying,

trying to save their wives. Yeah. But I'm not saving. Why would I save them? That's the gray area. Yeah, that's true. So neglect can't be classified as a murder. No.

And my wife can't swim. Got it. How's the new pool, by the way? Well, I'm building it, but she can't swim. She tells me I can make it from A to B, just not in open water. Say what now? She says she can swim from A to B, but just not in open water. Which, if you're in a tsunami, it's all open water. And there is no B.

Yeah. So it's Adios. Weird. But I do have a recurring dream. Oh, good. You triggered me on this. Okay, what is it? She also can't ride a bike.

Your wife? Yes. Okay. So this recurring dream is we find her body at the bottom of a pool. Right. On a bike. Okay. And I know it's a dream.

Yeah. Because I don't have a pool. But you're building one. That's because of this dream. Do you have a bike? that's easy to get it's a peloton okay so it's next to the pool wow that I'm building so I think I think it's going to work out yeah clearly I just want to kill my wife yeah that's part of life yeah that's part of life yeah that's part of life not her life but it's part of life I just and I love the

acre and I have a tree I pee on it's to mark I have a I have a pee three times a day on a tree in my backyard. I thought you meant you had to dish that. I've been spotting lately. And spotting what? What are you looking for? What do you see? No, no.

What happened is I got on the birth control pills. Okay. And I was tired of the whole condom thing. Okay. Because, you know, last time I went out, I bought my condoms at, what's that place, party land or whatever? Yeah. Where they sell all the party.

And I picked up those long, like, clown animal balloons. Those are great. Well, yeah, but if you use them as a condom by mistake, it's like every time you thrust, like, I would go in, and when I come out, there'd be like a poodle on the end of my thing. Which is good. A draught. I go in, a hummingbird.

So it's like it's ribbed and you're saving money. Yeah, but the animal parade and the squeaking and the twisting. Here's something I did, if I can add to your condom. Adventure. Sure, sure. I tried to get a patent on a condom that I, I'm not going to say I invented it once. Yeah. But I took a condom and I cut the tip off. Okay. So I get some of the protection, but I don't lose total feel. Got it. Because sometimes when it's raining out, you don't always put the hoodie up. That's true. You want to feel it. So I, I called it the headless horseman by Trojan.

And I tried to get a patent on it, but they wouldn't. But the idea of a condom where the head of your penis is still in play? Yeah. That's smart. That's where the money is. A lot more feeling too. Yeah. Yeah.

And that never took off. You couldn't get a patent. But I tried. I made some calls. But just like your condom with the, the dog ears. Yeah, the party balloons. Can you get party condom? I didn't want that. I just wanted to have regular old intercourse, but when you put on those long

the clowns use. Did they not like it? Well, it was a bit startling. You know, you're in the throes of lovemaking. You pull, you know, you go in and out. I don't know if you've ever done it, but intercourse works like this. And every time it came out, there was a different animal. So go in as a poodle, come out as a rhinoceros. I mean, and that brings joy to me. It does? Like, I, inside I feel like, I don't know, guy.

I feel like there's laughter that I feel happy to hear that story. Because I could see you in bed with the woman. Yeah. And she says, do you have a condom? Right, which I did. And you pull out the balloon. Stretch it, yeah. Before you even stretch it, it's still pretty long.

Yeah. And it's kind of skinny. Right. So that would confuse it. her. She would think something's coming that could be painful. Well, that's not my problem. I'm being

I'm being the gentleman and I'm doing the right thing and wearing protection. And I also, I tell them that you can't say just the tip anymore. Really? Well, first of all, wait, explain. It's the largest part of the penis. What?

The tip. The head. The mushroom cap. I mean, And that's where all the trouble is. Yeah. Everything that comes out of there is bad. Yeah. So what I do, and it's just because I'm kind of a romantic and a negotiator. Okay.

I say, can I just put the shaft in? What? Got it. And the woman's like, wait, are you crazy? And then I say, well, then how about just the tip? And suddenly the tip sounds not so bad. Right. Like you've won the negotiation.

She's like, I'd rather have the tip than the shaft. Yeah. And then you put the tip in with your balloon art. And next thing you know, you're making love. Yeah, but the problem with making love with a poodle on you is when you get going too fast, things start popping. Because those balloon animals have, like, it's almost like nine balloons in one. And it's just, you ever pop bubble wrap?

So now you're having sexes, like, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. That to me. And it's startling. What if she loves popcorn? Well, okay. So you're looking at the negative. Okay. I think if you're adding each time you thrust, there's a pop.

Yeah. There's going to be confusion. She's not going to think about her husband or whoever else she should be with. Her husband, yeah. Maybe if I asked her to wear a clown nose while we were. That would maybe create as a theme of clown. It's all things that you need to think about. I need to think.

I've got to rethink my lovemaking, I think. Yeah, but you are really starting it on the right path. Have you ever done it in a public place? You look like you probably do it maybe every week in a public place. I prefer public places. Tell me one of your, a good public place where you power grind it. I just like nature. And it's never really a power grind.

Oh, okay. I'm pretty, I like to get it over with quick. Okay. Out in nature, you said? And what I do is I'm always edging. Say what now? Edging is a type of garden tool. Kind of.

Okay. They're always ready to ejaculate. Oh boy. Didn't want to hear that word. Remember you said earlier, can we swear on this? Is ejaculate? I think we don't want to use that word. It's very people.

I'm always ready to leak clumps. Clump, let's say clumping. Let's just keep it civil. So edging means. you're always ready to ejaculate. It's people that watch pornography and don't masturbate. I don't masturbate. I save my chi for special occasions.

It's my life force. So I'm not a masturbator. But I'm always sometimes, if I glance at porn by accident. Accident. Well, if it's a page that I didn't plan on getting to. Oh, okay. And then there's an erection where most people would relieve the erection, I maintain it for maybe 20 or 30 minutes.

I put it away. Okay. And when I go out into the world, there's leakage. Okay. When I see beauty. So what do I do out in nature? It's going to happen quick. That's all I'm saying.

So when you say pound for long period. Yeah. There's not a lot of power or grinding. So just so I'm under. It's just a week. I could bump into someone. and ejaculate. And if you make eye contact, that counts as sex.

So if you're standing there watching a beautiful sunrise in nature or a sunset, boom, you're gone. Yes. And do you have a partner at all, or is this just nature? I don't need nature. I just need nature. I love trees. My best friend is a tree.

Not the one I pee on. Yeah. One I pee on is kind of a side tree. Side, yeah. But I do have a best friend. that's a tree in the backyard. I breathe it in every day. And when I pee on my tree, I have a daughter, the four-year-old,

that also comes out and also pees with me. Whenever I go to pee on the tree, she comes out there, naked, just in her shoes with flashing lights on them. Yeah, yeah. Because sometimes she pees at night. She pees on a mound. A mound. She's not ready for a tree.

The tree's kind of on a slant. Yeah. But we have coyotes and a California condor. So at night, I'm afraid that if she's grabbed, I won't be able to get there. So that's why the shoes come in handy. I can say, I can see where she's going. What's this mouth, though? I call the police and say the child's been taken by a condor.

Condor. And is heading up Stanley Hills or whatever street. Condor, I don't want to, condors don't fly at night, guy. Well, this, we have a California. Condor from Fresno. A night condor. Yes. That's what you're telling me.

And we feed it. Can I ask you something as a friend? Well, I'm not, yeah. Because you seem to be a wealth of something. Yeah. So when I pee on the tree. Yeah. And my four-year-old was on a mound.

She's on a mound, but she stands. To pee. She does not squat. She stands proud. And is she a girl? And she is a girl. She's a girl. So what I thought, I thought women had to sit on the chair to pee.

Well, maybe. So she has strong calves clearly. Well. But it makes me rethink a lot. Like, it's like I'm training her to be a drunk sorority girl. Yeah. Like her mother was. But I'm just saying, do women have to sit to pee?

You're a doctor. here's my answer. Yes, they all do. They all do, but when they are forced to stand on an ant mound at four years old in the yard, they're not inclined to squat. It seemed to be her choice, and sometimes I've walked in, and she's standing in front of the toilet, peeing right into it. Really?

Maybe she's a he? No, I'm pretty sure she, but I'm not, who am I to know? I've never looked close enough. She sounds like a great guy. I mean. Wow. Well, no. So I will go home tonight and ask my wife.

If Addison is in fact a girl. A girl. Has she got, has it got an Adam's apple, do you know? I've never, I don't look closely enough. Maybe see if there's one of these, an Adam's apple. And an Adam's apple is what? It's a sign of a guy. So if your daughter, guy, son...

This also reminds me of something, but you might have some topics you needed to get to on your podcast. Oh. Was there something you like to talk about before we get to an Adams apple? Well, I think I possibly got a hand job from a man once. Let me just put the list back and let's hear about that real quick. Okay. Hold on. It's only because you brought up Adam's apple.

Right. And we're talking about man and woman. This is something I've been thinking about a lot later. And I think I may have gotten a hand job. Careful. A hand job from a man once. Careful. Let me just roll that back.

Okay. You're telling me and my audience. that you think... There's an audience here? Well, there's people watching guy. Okay. Did not know? Well, that was a new kind of look.

Yeah. Can you... It meant maybe I said something I shouldn't have said. No, no. I mean, I'm just... I'm trying to be honest. When I came here today, I said, I want to be genuine. I want to be honest.

Let me just roll it back so we're perfectly clear. You think you got a hand job from a priest. A man wants. Did you say priest or man? I do not know if he was involved in clerical endeavors? What was it? Priests. Clerical, huh?

Is that not a word? I'm not going to challenge it. This isn't Jeopardy, guy. When I say things and then you give me that love, I wonder if I'm not bright. Well, we're not talking about grammar. We're talking about getting hand raped. Now, where did this happen and who did it?

This is important. I know this might be therapeutic for you because I can see your aura and your demeanor changed a little. There's obviously some trauma or some pleasure. Did it change to vulnerability or a man happy that he's just finally talking? I think it's something you need to get off your chest. What was it? Wow.

It wasn't recently. Okay. When? It wasn't in the 90s, when was it? Boy, I, maybe, I would think I was maybe in my mid-20s. Okay. Okay. Which is a vulnerable, can we call that the adolescence?

For me, yes. I was kind of a late bloomer. I didn't really start thinking. But at the time, sometimes you catch a wave and you just keep riding it. You ride that wave until it drops you on the beach. Yeah. So I didn't wake up. up that day.

Which is also a metaphor for hand job. Yes. Dropped on the beach. And so what happened, guy? Tell us about this hand job from a man. From a man who grabbed your... I wasn't really going to discuss it, so I'm kind of... I think we need to.

I can see you're touching... I'd read body language and you're doing this as telling me there's some trauma and some built-up. Here's what happened. Sure. I was coming out of Cat and the Fiddle. Oh, wow. With a friend. Who are you with?

I'm not going to mention him. It doesn't matter. Do you mind if I just move this back a little because after hearing the hand job thing, I just want to make sure nothing falls? But when the day started, it wasn't on the docket. So let's just say that. Okay. I've never.

You didn't go out expecting to get a handy. Can we say handy? Yeah. I didn't plan on a handy from a man, a man. I didn't plan on that Well, if you want to rhyme As we were leaving Two beautiful girls

Beautiful girls I approached my buddy and I Okay, now they're girls And there was some small talk Okay, so they were midgets They weren't that small It was just Just some talk

I'm with you, stay on it, come back And they said Do you want to come over to our apartment. Okay. And it was in the neighborhood. It was over up on Franklin, some of those old scary buildings there.

Okay. And I went into one apartment with the woman. And my buddy went to the other apartment with the other woman. Okay. And shortly after that, somehow my penis. Again, with your penis gets around a lot. Hey, guy.

My penis was suddenly in her hand. Her hand. Okay. Of course. At this point, I still believe it's a young lady. And did you have a sheath on or was it ball raw? No, no. This was just life.

Raw. This was just nature. Okay. There was no balloon art. There was not a, there was no balloon. There was not a condom with the tip cut off, which would have been sufficient. Could have tested your new product. The lighting, I think, comes into play.

Okay. Because it was, there was just a lamp, I believe the word is. Is that a lamp? A light with a lamp shade. Lamp shade. And over this lampshade, there was a red scarf, maybe a reddish purple. I remember the color. So the room was kind of dimly lit.

Okay. And I looked down as I was about to ejaculator. I was about to do what nature does. Yeah. Especially someone who was, I believe I was an edger even then. I've never been a big masturbator because I always felt I always like to be ready if the time comes. My big fear in life is to meet someone and have recently masturbated. Again, with that word.

I like to always be ready. So I looked down and I saw the hand and it was the first time I looked at the hand. Of the woman. of the woman in the dark in the dark with the lamp and i noticed the hand was large oh like tom bradies maybe bigger it was a large like andre the giant yes it was a large hand and wow it hit me right then that something this isn't right that looks like a man's hand was there hair on it there was hair there was, I think I even a little dirt under one

of the nails. Yeah. Like maybe a mechanic. Okay. And then I glanced up at the face. And that's when I saw you brought up Adam's apple and we were talking about why my child

stood up. And I'm like, that looks like Oh boy. That looks like a man's Adam's apple. And then I continued to look up and I'm not going to say it was a full mustache but there was I saw some stubble you sure wasn't an Italian girl do they have mustaches a lot of them have a lot of the yeah okay it did some have full beard it could have been an Italian girl Viking beards

I'd like to believe it was an Italian girl maybe this that could alleviate some of the Now, wait a minute. How did, coming out of the cat and the fiddle, was this where you were, the cat and the fiddle? Which, by the way, not great fiddle players. But I hadn't really looked at the face enough. Okay, okay. This is all happening a lot.

And I'd had a lot of, I'd had a few Guinness. A few Guinness. Playing darts. It's an Irish beer. Yes. And so it dawned on me that a man was, a pleasuring me. Giving you a handy.

Giving me a handy. And I was close. Pardon me now? It was time to let nature do what it does. But with a hand so big, didn't it make you look small and make you feel inferior? I'm packing quite a punch. I've been blessed with, I'm well endowed, which could be one of the reasons I've been so lazy in life. Can I give you some of my clown balloons?

I could use one, but like I'd say, I cut the tip off if I'm ever wearing a condom. Anyways, I interrupted. You're getting stroked by a man in a room with a light. And I just, I took a deep breath. Sure. I looked at him. Right. And I released.

What do you mean you released? I let nature leave my body. I said goodbye to my chi. I see. And the Bible, they call it. Spilling your seed. So I spilled the seed. Oh, boy.

And I realized a few things that night, and if I could tell you, it might help me. Okay, I'm here for you, guy. Wow, this is tough. I just saw you doing this in body language. This is tough stuff for you. Here's what I learned that night. It's just skin, man, woman, even a wet shower door. has the feel.

Epidermis is epidermis. Red, wet tile. It feels like skin. So it's just skin. Okay. So you're justifying. I think sexuality all comes down to lighting. You said there was some type of cloak over the lighting?

So the lighting was very, I think sexuality comes down to lighting. Was the, you said it was red velvety? Because red is one of the passion colors. Reddish, purple. Okay. The room was lit. And what, I think, the biggest takeaway for me. Okay.

You don't, nut less. I'm sorry now? The spilling of the seed. Sure. Is just as strong with a man. Sure. As with a woman. so you don't nut less.

Now, I'm not sure if it was guilt or fear. I was double parked. Maybe I was afraid of being towed. You sure wasn't just you love guys? This could all come into play. But the biggest takeaway is, I think, and I'm going to let you stare at the audience because you have a connection with them.

I think it's, I think it's, I think it's better to be rubbed the wrong way. Okay. Than not to be rubbed at all. Hmm. So what does that tell you? Do you think it was a man? I think my analysis is armchair psychologist.

We're just talking. We're just two guys talking about you getting a hand job in a dimly little part. by a priest? Possibly. Okay. There's no guarantee. Now I know it could have been an Italian woman.

It could have been an Italian girl. Hopefully. I think that you were in a vulnerable portion of your life. You're going through adolescence. Mid-20s. At that point, and I'm going to assume, correct me if I'm wrong, you were still a virgin. I think I'd probably.

tried earlier in life with other men now i'm wondering yeah i think you can stop wondering for starters um but it felt like you were at a place in life where you needed human contact you needed not just are we always at that point but no this was beyond just verbalizing and communicating you sometimes you need to feel skin on skin epidermy on epidermy on epidermy there my skin. And it feels like you were in a place in life where talking and communicating wasn't enough. You needed to feel a giant calcified, blister-filled hand. It was callous. It felt like a dock worker. Around your young, virile, 20-year-old purple porpoise or whatever you call it. And I think you just needed that. I call it that. Yeah. Just that. That. It seems more specific. Yeah. And I think you just

Or it. It. I just, at some point I don't want to use a lot of words. Long words when you're describing. Yeah. Just meat. Yeah. You needed hand on meat. Grab it. Grab it. Grab it. Grab meat. Grab meat. Grab that. That. And you just needed. You needed someone to have physical contact with you, help you unplug your seed, spill your seed. I have not gone out looking since for a man. Right. You will, you will. But it's nice to know.

Definitely will. It's nice to know that if it ever does come up, you're kind of prepped. I just know that I've been there and it's not going to be too painful. Yeah. And I think that's important in life is to know that I've experienced it possibly and that man, it just wasn't as frightening as I thought it would be. Yeah.

I never went back. I blocked it out. I haven't, I've only been thinking about it recently. Yeah. Which could be, you might be right that it's something that I needed then and maybe I need it now. I think you might need one more. Have you, do you remember the address? Oh, I know the address.

And where the giant lives? I drive by it often and wonder if he or she is there. I would think they're dead. Well, are there any seniors' bachy ball leagues around town because the Italians tend to gravitate towards the... Maybe he, she's there. And it would be fun to see them again. Just look for the player with the ball.

biggest Bocci balls because of that giant hand. I wish to luck with that. It was a good time in my life. Yeah. In the mid-20s. Wow. It's nice talking about this. Do you ever think, has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever been in a situation where what you thought was a woman? I had. Maybe a man and then you had decided to call it a day? I had an event where there was. no confusion that it was man. It was an event. So you went to a man party? Well, no. I, as you know, I'm into physical fitness. Are you?

Well, yes. I mean, look at me. Okay. And I don't like cardio. I find it boring. I find jogging is sex in cars? No, exercise is cardio. Jogging, I find, is bad for the knees. I don't like walking. It's boring. so I found middle ground, and I do something that not a lot of people do anymore.

Maybe it's frowned on. I skip, I prance. Okay. And I don't like to do it during the day because people think it's odd. You skip and you prance. I skip, I prance, you know. What are you wearing? Is there a prance in an outfit?

Yes, there is. I have green leotards. And I put the, right to the waist, full green leotards, lulu lemons. and I have the curly, the elf shoes. Have you seen like the Shakespearean? Yes. The tips curl. And then I have a midriff that says bitch, right, it says bitch or be it.

Is it spelled out? It's spelled out, but it says beauch. Okay. So I got the purple midriff. I've got the green. And when you say midriff, it's in the middle of something? Well, it cuts a shirt that cuts off here. It covers my chest, my chest.

and then you've got blank. You get to see my belly button, my six-pack. It allows the button to... You get to see my six-pack, and then I got the full-green leotards. And you have a six-pack? Yeah, I got an eight-pack. Okay.

Yeah. Is there other groceries or just a six-pack? No, it's an eight. I think I just said eight, and then you tried to trick me and go back to six. No. So I go at night. I go at night up to Glendale, to the Glendale Gallery of parking lot.

It's a huge mall, Glendale Galleria, and I drive all the way up there, and there's no one around. It's empty. What time is this? This is like we're talking two in the morning. Okay. I mean, the crickets are chirping, the cicadas are fucking in the trees. There's lizards sharding. Glendale?

Glendale. Glendale, California. That's a city. Yeah, Glendale Gallery, a huge mall. Food court's great. I know the girl at Orange, Julius. She gives me extra foam on my Julius's. And those are orange? Orange Julius. I mean, you can't miss it. They actually work in a giant

fucking orange guy. Okay. I feel like you're kind of ridiculing me. I listen to your handstroke story. I mean, you get jacked off by a priest at the Motel 6, and I was there for you, and now I'm getting orange gags. I was just curious. Okay. As long as you're not mocking me. And I'm going to be honest with you, I would never mock you during the store. you let me get through mine. I did. Thank you. I'm not familiar with the orange Julius. Okay. If I ask if it was in an orange... Okay, fair enough. It's a giant orange. They make... It's actually the shape of an... But that's fine, but for you to come at me...

All right. I thought maybe you were ridiculing me. No, it seemed like a good question. You say she gave you some Julius with foam. Extra foam, because I know her. And I said, was it an orange because of the title? Okay, fair enough. I guess, yeah, if I said, hot dog on a stick you'd ask me if the hot dog was on a stick i got it if you just said she gave me a stick and a bun i was like was there a hot dog involved that's fair but that's how i thought the other was okay so i i fucked up you came at me pretty hard guy hey peace treaty guy yeah rosemary pie okay but if i'm coming at you would love for you to say hey don't mock me or ridicule me i took

your energy wrong. Please continue and I'm sorry we had to balance that out but... No, I'm glad we balanced it out. And if I can tell you something as a friend... Sure, sure, and then we'll get to my store. I will go there and try that. Orange Julius?

Yes. Yeah. And I don't know how much foam I'll get, but... Ask for Diane. She gives extra. Tell her you know me. See, now that's how I... That's what I'd like to do. Great. That was some nice resolution.

Sorry about that. the other stuff. So I'm there at two in the morning and I get geared up. I get got the green leotards on and on this. The purple midriff. Midriff. It says biotch and then the APEC. This eight pack. And then this on this, the curly elf shoes or Shakespearean acting slippers, whatever, let's not apples and oranges. But on this night I got the, I've ever seen the Panicot line legs they come in the they come in the egg so on this night i didn't have the lulu lemons they were in the washing and so i had the legs i had the i probably unscrewed the little egg and i got the green leitards i slipped them on and i'm ready to go and i'm about to start my my skip my prance

are you in the gallery or the no i'm in the parking lot okay it's empty there's no one there except one white van parked at the very back now i haven't seen this before and I'm like it's a parking lot a vans a vehicle what do I got to worry about I see what's coming I hope I think I think well it's pretty anything whatever you're thinking it's worse I go into my skip I start my prance and I go down is there music or is this no I like to focus I need to focus prancing You need footwork, you need coordination. You don't want to be distracted.

You know how many friends I know who have torn aggluteus or ripped an inner scapulated femur flunder? You know, because you're an athlete. Yeah, I told you earlier. I'm very, and so I start skipping down row C. I get to C-9, it ends, now I'm on F. I'm going down F. I get past F7, F, 27, F, F, 12.

there's an oil stain, I see an old hubcap, I'm doing good, going to, I get down to the back, I go by this van. But you avoid the oil stain. I avoid it because, you know, the elf slippers don't have grip. They're not like Nike, they're not Air Jordans, there's no tread on the bottom. You step on a slick, you're gumby, you're sliding down the street on one leg, and you look like an Armenian asshole. Yes.

And so here I go, and you know how sometimes your radar goes off? When you sense to think something might not be right? Sometimes it doesn't go off until it's too late. Bingo, thank you for saying that. Because that's probably my radar. Bingo. Too many guineasas. My radar was shut down.

And that's how you ended up with the room with the guy with the big hands, wanking yet. And the purple reddish. Light. So here I go, Guy. I'm skipping and I'm coming up to this white van. And I'm like, ah, it's just a white van. I just had a quick thought. Go.

I haven't seen my. friend since that night. I left there so quick. You left the Wackoff house. Sorry, you left the house. My friend. Your best friend. Might still be there.

He might still be there. Wow, his guy must have been pretty good. No, he had a friend. Remember? Oh, but you're... The guy who was doing a handy to your buddy must have been pretty good. Killed him. You think he killed him?

I don't want to even think about it. I've been watching a lot of Dahmer, but I left there so quick that And you also came there so quick, too. Well, Edger. Go on. I'll look into my friend. So I'm approaching this white van. All I got is the glow of the lights above me, right?

My green leotards are sort of, do you have a shimmer to them? Have you seen leotards in the right light? They have a sheen. And their legs. Yeah. And they're just like there's something, even I. can sense I look good. And I go by the white van.

I'm probably halfway past this thing. Teardrop window carved into the back of it like in the 70s. I do like that. Right? Darkened tear drop window in the back hind quarter. Tear drop, that means the van has killed someone. So I'm halfway past. Door slides open.

Seven priests. Grab me. Pull me in. slam and uh you know what i can't even psychologically get into the rest so it was a church van it was a white van and seven priests seven priests grabbed you pulled me and then can you tell me i don't i don't have the strength to do what you did and get right through the whack-off story the way you did i can't even talk to you about the inhumanity okay When you left the van.

Yes. Because at some point you left the van because you're here. Well, there's leaving the band and there's getting rolled out the side door on the 405ing the van. Okay. But at some point... At 70 miles an hour in the diamond lane. But at some point you've left the van. I would, yeah, boy did I leave the van.

And let's just say my leotards... This is what I wanted to ask you. There were a number of holes, probably two dozen holes. cut into my legs, my green legs, panty. You were touched. I've been clearly. I'm not even going to say. I can't go that deep.

Maybe next time you're here. I'd like to know, have you ever seen them again? No. Did you go look for the van? No. Did you ever go back to that parking lot? Never. I blocked it all out.

The only reason... No, and you pulled it out of me with your getting whacked off in a dimly lit room by an Italian guy. Well, possibly a woman. In a room with a purple light. And you brought this out of me. You brought up something to me

that I've kept buried for decades. I'm going to tell you something. Please. It's still buried. Until you tell me what you did or what you remember or when you got home, if parts of your body ate, did you take a bath when you got home? Was there dried blood?

Did you go back to your car? Can't do it. You did not go back to your car. I can't, I can't, maybe, I need to build up to the, I can't just belt out a story the way you did. I don't think I belted it out. Well, you pretty much puked it right out. Well, I feel better for having done it.

I wish I could have that inner strength. Well, maybe someday, if you just trust you're enough. If you come back, if you come back to this thing, and I can see you don't want to, it's obvious. But if you do, I will make a commitment to you, my friend, that you will hear the second part of the priest leotard white band romp. Okay. I think...

I need time to find the strength to get it and talk about it. Because you do know what happened in there. I hope. You do know what happened. I still have the video. I still have the memories. Well, I'd like to see both of those. Well, I'd like to end on something we do with all our guests.

Okay. And this is a segment we call Words from a wooden shoe. Kirk Fox and this is a legitimate clog from Holland and in it are words you reach in and you pick one. What did it block? It's a clogged something, correct? No, that's the name of the footwear. You don't, yeah. But if you were to drop this down a toilet, it would probably, the clog would create a clog. Not mine. We have a very large part. Okay, but you reach in here and whatever the word is, see if it elicits a memory or a story, and you can tell us that, and that's how we'll close out today's.

Let me just move your freshly baked raspberry pie. It's still warm. Oh, my God. So here we go. Kirk Fox, ladies and gentlemen, words from a wooden shoe, reach in there, Kirk Fox. I'm trying to go toward the tip. Go deep. Go to the tip, yeah, the way your Italian friend did.

And I brought one. Okay. What is it? What does it say? Your worst habit. Wow. Just when I didn't think you'd get heavier. Your worst habit.

And I don't even know if you have any nun costumes, but... It's my worst habit. Now, what would that mean? Something that I do, that I wish I didn't. Yeah. Well, sometimes,

like, I always have to shower after I poop. It's a bad habit. Sometimes I can't. Mm-hmm. But I always really need to clean

my, my betole. Mm-hmm, yeah. So a habit of cleanliness, but maybe that's not a bad habit, but, like, I'll really wipe. If it happens in a public, I'll have to get napkins and I'll wet them. I go into the bathroom with water. Find a sprinkler.

So I'll pour water on the toilet paper. Oh. I will keep wiping my betole until there's nothing. Yeah, till it sounds, whistles like a cicada. And then at the end of that, I will, I have a dude wipe, and I will dude wipe my butt. What does that mean, dude wipe? There's a dude wipe. I believe, I have one.

I would think. Oh, it's like a handy wipe for men? Yes. Oh, you brought some. Well, I always have a dude wipe. Wow. This is, I think Mark Cuban would be happy. that I'm pumping his dude wipes.

Dude wipes. You know, Mark Cubans picked this up on... You wouldn't mind opening it up. Well, it's a flushable wipe. I'm not going to open it up because that would be losing money. But I'd like to give it to you. Oh. So that if you're ever...

If you're ever out in the world and you go poop in public, that's what you do at the end. And I also, I'm a big fan of Ocusoft. Okay, okay, octopuses with erectile dysfunction. This is because there was a period in my life. That's a good one. There was a period in my life where I got what was called a Chalasian. Oh, they're great.

I got one of those of Chipotle the other day. It's where a stye kind of goes the other way and implodes in your eye, and your eye becomes swollen, and it needs to be lanced. Oh, my God. And I was told... It's so hard to find a knight these days, too. But they're out there. They're out there.

They're sometimes in a white van, knights of the priesthood. Well, I wish you didn't say that. But what I do is when I had those Chalasians, I had three or four. over a course of maybe three years and I'd have to have my eyelid slit and I'd have to wash my eyelids with uh baby Johnson's baby shampoo is what they they recommend using yeah so I'm always cleaning my eyelids now okay I have long eyelashes and I don't even wear makeup when I do major motion pictures or TV shows for instance reservation dogs FX on Hulu I don't wear makeup. We just got picked up for season three. But this isn't about that. No, it is. I'm not here

to pump anything. We sure are. What I do with the Ocustof. Okay. Is, you know, I would do this occasionally just to make sure. Yeah. Get that mucus out of your eyes. Just to make sure, because I was in here. Yeah. And that's it. Get those chicken McNuggets out of the corner of your eyes. And so now I'm ready. I have green eyes, long eyelashes. Well. And I'm very handsome. I'm a beautiful man. Well, but I was very upset for many years.

I had Chalasians. Even when I was married, I was coming from having a, I had a Chalasian. A lot of it comes from stress, they say. Have you ever had a Brazilian? I have. Okay. Do you have a cream for that? It's a little smaller.

Okay. It's a little smaller. But they say a lot of homeless have Chalasians. Yeah. And they smell like Chalasians, too. So I have the eyelashes of the homeless men. Well, thanks for I met. So my worst, I guess my worst habit isn't so bad that I really like to be extra clean.

Okay, good. Good, good. What about you? I guess you don't pull one of those. This is just for the guests. And so is this for the gas. Beautiful, freshly baked raspberry pie. Before we go, Kirk Fox, please tell.

The people about your wonderful TV show. He's just been picked up for the third season. Tell him about it. Well, there's a show that I'm a part of, fortunately. It's called Reservation Dogs, and it is on FX on Hulu. Yep. And it is probably the greatest show on the world. It has heart and humor, and it was created by Sterlin Harjo and Taika Waititi.

and I would say almost everyone is native or indigenous except for myself and a friend Maddie Carter-Rupley is also on there and we seem to be the two two, can I say white? Yeah, you're white, you're white. So it's just a great show. Good.

By the way, I usually don't promote anything except clean assholes and, you know, we don't have dusty Chalasians. But I watch reservation dogs. Because I'm proud of you. When you got that, you told me and you went off to do it. And I'm very proud of you and you do a great job. Thank you, Harlan.

I play Kenny Boy. I'm in charge of salvage and cockfighting. And then I... A wheelhouse. But thank you, Harlan. Yes, no. Congratulations. And also, Kirk is one of the funniest, most brilliant comics on the circuit today.

I'm not even joking. He's fantastic. Come and see Kirk wherever. he may be in your town or city or here in Los Angeles. Great, great comedian. I promise to love you. Yeah. You will be better for having visited me.

I have a sincere aspiration to be an asset. So even this podcast, you're better for having listened. Yeah. Because our words came, I would say, with love. Yeah. Harlan also is, without question, one of the funniest on the planet. and enjoy your brain and always a twinkle. And you make me comfortable,

which allowed me to open up about a possible hand job from a beautiful Italian man or woman. And you make me wonder if my daughter is maybe standing to pee because she has a penis, but I've never looked. It's not in my department. I know you can get in trouble. On a mound. Naked on a mound.

Maybe that's her Native American name. naked on a mound I like to feel we have some Navajo in our family. Do you have any social media or anything? You don't do that? Okay. I am on Instagram. Okay.

Kirk Fox. That's all. What a pleasure. I'll put a photo up with some fun words occasionally. Mostly links to reservation dogs. Do you want to just before we go try the eye thing? I feel like you might have

got it right at the end like do you want to do a joke and then just close out with the i thing that i taught you here today well it's a good comedy beat you might be able to use it nice you did it without even a joke now that's that's i thought the podcast had been enough yeah uh and i don't really deal in punch lines you just schooled me guy I don't really deal in punch lines. It's okay. You ended it strong. You ended strong.

That's all we need. Ladies and gentlemen. Kirk Fox. Thank you for being here on the Harland Highway. And until next time, everybody, chicken. Chau Maine, baby. Wow. We had a lot.

We had to get off our chest. FHU.