The Harland Highway - New HARLAND HIGHWAY #3

Episode Date: April 23, 2022

Today, Lil' Coco co hosts and we talk microwave meals, wearing glasses, breast pumps, homeless solutions, and short people. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. You're on the Harland Highway. Harland Williams. You're on the Harland Highway. Hey everybody, it's Harland Williams. How are you today? And welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Before we get started, you know how this works.

you don't stick around unless I offer up a little bit of meat. And so to get the thing going and to keep you locked in, here we go. Let's get a little cleavage going. Just peel her back, just a touch. And if things are going well, maybe you get another button. Maybe you get another button. Before we get started, I want to make an announcement. I'm playing a theater in Boulder, Colorado, the Boulder Theater on May 13th.

That's right, Friday the 13th. So if you think Friday the 13th is unlucky and you live in Boulder, Friday the 13th just became your lucky day. So if you're in Colorado or you're traveling to Colorado or you want to go just for this show, I'm playing at the Boulder Theater. Look at this theater. 800 seats, stunning theater, and we're going to have a blast. We're going to have to do a beautiful stand-up comedy show,

and please, please, please come out to the show. Also doing some clubs and dates in Cedar Rapids, a town just outside of Cedar Rapids, Michigan, called Holland, and doing a theater there, and also a beautiful comedy club. Go to harlandwilliams.com to check out all my stand-up comedy tour dates. Have some coming up in Texas at some incredible Texas comedy festivals. It's going to be a blast. But enough said about that.

Let's get to my co-host for today. And he's sitting down at the end of the Harland Highway Bar or table or whatever you want to call it. but please say hello to Lil Coco, L-I-L-L-A-O-O, C-O, little Coco, and he's going to be my sidekick today. How are you, a little Coco? Fuck off. Okay, good start, a little freak. Fuck off!

Well, before I, let's just get into this thing. Because I have a little, I have a little thing that I'm pissed off about. I got something, you've already got me a little pissed off, a little Coco. And when I say a little pissed off, I mean, L-I-L apostrophe. But let's throw to the, the I'm pissed off thing. And I got something I got to rant about right out of the gate. Oh, you're starting to piss me out, you little pig of some, bitch. These fucking assholes, this fuck.

fucking assholes. The fuck is their problem, man. Okay, so here we are. Let me hold these up because this is the gist of the whole thing. Do you see these things? These stupid thing, peepers, glasses, whatever you want to call them, a nightmare. I've entered into the world where every now and then I have to put these, Underwater fish hunting apparatus is on my face.

You know, first of all, it's hard to get them on. How many times have you glasses wearers, you know, poked your freaking corneas out? You know? So I got to wear these now. And don't ask me if I'm short-sighted or near-sighted or far-sighted or foreskin-sided. I don't know the terms. I don't know what they mean.

And by the way, it's degrading enough that you start to lose your eyesight or your eyesight becomes out of focus and blurry. But then to throw a little more insult to injury onto the flames, these genius optometrists or eye doctors or whatever you want to call them have decided to do the old switcheruny, right? So they go, well, it looks like you're near-sighted. And I'm thinking, oh, okay, yeah, that makes sense. I can't see things up close, right? But guess what?

They switched it around. Near-sighted means you can't see stuff far away. And if you're far-sighted, it means you can't see stuff up close. So what's with the big Nancy Drew mystery with my eyes, you freaks? Have you got any eye issues, a little cocoa? Why don't you fuck off? Anyways, I'm not happy about wearing these, and one of the other things about these things,

outside of the mystery of which way is far and which is close. Maybe if I just flip them on backwards like this, oh, now I'm near-sighted, oh, oh, now I'm far-sighted. Oh, now I'm... But one of the things that happens consistently with these annoying things is you lose them. You misplaced them. You can't find them half the time. So you end up having to walk around without them, living in the fog, walking around out of focus.

And imagine if you drive a focus and you lose your glasses. Suddenly you're driving and out of focus. Ah, fuck off. Oh, God, you're nasty, dude. You say anything nice at all? Fuck off. Anyways, I went through, I had a horrible episode where I misplaced the glasses and I was like, you know, it's screw it. I'm going to be defiant.

I'm going to puff the chest out. I'm going to be Mr. I don't need these damn things. I can see just fine without them. So now cut to, do you know the term sleep apnea? That's when people can't sleep. They have trouble sleeping. Their nose goes up into their nostrils, and their nostril goes down into their abdomen

and their earwax goes into their eyeball. I don't know what sleep apnea is. It's just how about your face is fucked up? Fuck off. and your face gets fucked up while you sleep. You got a fucked up sleep face, okay? And so what happens is a lot of people have to buy these sleep apnea machines. They're like masks that you put over your face and you strap them on and they cling to your face and they help keep your face from being fucked up while you sleep.

In fact, here's a picture of one. Take a look. Here's a sleep apnea machine. and so I was in need of one. I got the sleep apnea and, you know, sometimes you're awake all night. And so I head over to Rite Aid, which is a local drugstore here in town,

Rite Aid. And you know what? This is America. Let's be honest. We like to condense things, right? We always like to condo. I don't know if we're just lazy or what, but we seem to want to condense our words.

Like I used to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken. But now I go to K. I used to go to McDonald's, but now I go to Mickey D's. Everything gets shortened. So here I am over looking for a sleep apnea machine at AIDS the other day, right AIDS. And I'm walking around and I don't have the peepers, but I'm confident I can do this. I'm a man. Oh, I'm the man with the magic eyes now, child.

I got the magic eyes. You like my eyes, a little cocoa? Fuck off. Anyways, I'm wandering around deep in the back aisles of the AIDS, and I see it. I don't have my glasses on, but I see the mask. I see the sleep apnea thing, and I pick it up, and I'm proud of myself,

because I was like, I don't need you, you damn dirty apes, or whatever they are, you damn hairy apes. Someone should make hairy eyeglasses. That sounds like a sex act. Darling, would you like to do the hairy eyeglasses tonight, darling? No, I've got a yeast infection. Oh. Fuck off.

But anyway, so I find the sleep apnea machine. I got the box. I got the mask. I pick it up. I go home. and I'm like, to hell with the glasses, right? And I go to sleep, I put the sleep apnea mask on my face, and I'm telling you, I slept like a baby.

I slept like a baby, and you'll never, when I woke up, guess what I found under the pillow of the extra pillow on my bed? Yeah, these. I found my glasses in the morning after a beautiful night's sleep with the sleep apnea mask on my face. and I found the box for the sleep apnea mask. And guess what? I bought a breast pump.

Yeah, I bought a breast pump. Okay? I slept all night with a breast pump on my face. Show the picture of the breast. You know what breast pumps do, little cocoa? Fuck off. Yeah, they suck breasts. Okay?

I had a breast sucking machine. on my face, all night, and I slept like a baby. I got to tell you, that thing can suck. I mean, that thing's, that, if you've, that, of all the suckers you ever meet in your life, this thing can suck like a champion, but, you know, I woke up and my face was, I mean, have you ever seen a hammerhead shark? My eyes had been pulled apart. They were on, like, the sides of my head.

There's a breast pumping machine had sucked my face apart. So here I go. I've got the glasses. My face has been breast sucked and I have to go back to AIDS and return the damn thing. And the lady at the counter is like, where are you looking, sir? And I'm going, what do you mean? She goes, I can't really tell your eyes seem to be on the side of your face. Are you a hammerhead shark? Because we just got fresh seal meat in the back if you're interested.

It's down in aisle 7 of AIDS. so yeah not fun not fun with the glasses um but i have to say my skin does feel good my skin feels very refreshed and smooth i don't know maybe maybe a breast pump i wonder if i had a breast pump for each eye you know kind of level out any of the wrinkles or anything like that beautiful breast pump um anyhow let's move along let's let's move along let's let's move I'd like to suckle on you like a baby cow. What do you mean? Suckle your breast.

No, I'm not going to let you. I'm not going to let you suckle on me. Like a baby cow. What the hell's the matter with you? You're going to suckle on me like a calf? Your breast. Maybe I should do up my buttons for this freak. Anyways, let's move on to something else that's been on my mind.

and I don't know, how are your eating habits, folks? How are your eating habits? Are you a good eater? Are you a bad eater? Do you know how to prepare food? I do. I can make just about anything in about three minutes. Yeah, that's right.

I'm a, I'm a, what are these called? Microwave dinners, TV dinners, flat screen, dinners. Do we even watch our flat screens into cell phone dinners now? I watch my cell phone when I want when I eat now, more than anything. But anyways, why do we, why do we do this? Why do we pop the classic meatloaf in the microwave? And by the way, classic meatloat, you throw classic in front of every, any word, and it immediately gives it a little class, right? I don't think, it's got the word class in it. I don't know that meatloaf is classic.

I mean, there's a classic Rolls Royce. There's a classic golf tournament. I don't know if there's a classic chunk of rolled up meat from a meat processing factory. And who knows what kind of meat it is. This could be seal meat from AIDS for all I know. But I don't know if you can stamp the word classic in front of meat. Meatloaf. I mean, just that word, meatloaf, meatloaf.

Sounds like something Jabba the Hut says when he's throwing up after an all-night bender. Meatloaf. Yeah, meat, blah. Power fuck off. But anyways, let me put the peepers on so I can tell you what happened here. I went to put this in the old microwave oven the other day. and I'm reading the directions, and this is beautiful, right? It says, leave film on product.

Do not vent. You know what I mean? That they put a little sheet of plastic. They hermetically seal the top of your microwave dinner to keep in all that freshness, to keep all that freezer burn freshness in your delectable meal. So I love that, right?

The less work, the better with the old microwave meals, okay? And so I do this, it goes, cook for three and a half minutes on high. And I'm like, oh, yeah, three and a half minutes, and I'm eating a meatloaf, a classic meatloaf, okay? I mean, think in the old days, the pioneers and the people in wagon trains and people in the 70s. Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, you know, these people had to get a bunch of meat and chop it up and roll it up and put the seats. seasoning in it and put it in the oven and bake it. I mean, this was an all-day affair to make a classic meatloaf. And back then it was just meatloaf.

It didn't even have the classic yet. And so here's this damn stuff. And now you can just do it in, you know, three minutes, three and a half minutes. But wait, there's a hook. This is where I have my beef. no pun intended Fuck off After the three and a half minutes goes by

And that little beep that your microwave does You know that little beep beep beep Sounds like Tinkerbell the fairy Is having sex with a robot At the Motel 6 in Fresno or something That beep is just so flat and cold Beep beep beep It's like I picture

R2D2 and C3PO at an all-male steam bath with a bottle of Newman's own ranch-style olive oil salad dressing or something. I mean, it's just the images, every time my microwave beeps, beep, beep, beep, beep, I'm just, it's like Star Wars robot sex. I just, I'm picturing like C3Pio bent over an S-Bahn 3,000 laser, jet photocopier and R2D2 just rolling in behind. Boopi-bib-b-b-b-b-b-b-h-h. I say R2, get the WD-40. Get the classic meatloaf. Damn, it's getting hot in here.

Start talking about meatloaf and robot sex, man. I got to dab off. whew. Damn. Nellie Frittado. By the way, Nellie Frittado, who the hell came up with that name? Sorry if you're watching Nellie, I'm sure you are, but when you popped out of your mother,

were your proud parents standing? Oh, look at the little Nellie Frittado, huh? Yeah, let's name our daughter a yogurt dish. The new Nellie Frittado light with raspberries on the bottom. I mean, it sounds like something you do when you stub your toe or something, doesn't it? Boom, ah, Jesus, Gret Nelly Frittato. God, for the love of Nellie Frittato. Or it sounds like a Starbucks drink, really, right?

you go to Starbucks. Oh, yeah, I'd like a frappuccino, uh, moccuccino, uh, Nellifritato, fucacchino, uh, wacchino, Alpacino, uh, mocalito, uh, Tostito, a Dorito, please. Yeah, with some, with some cinnamon on top and, um, throw in, I don't know, a little bit, uh, just give me a Taylor Swift swirl on the top of my Nellie Frittato, yeah. Fuck off. Would you knock it off, little cocoa? Jesus, this guy's got truck driver mouth. So anyways, I digress.

So anyways, I got the thing in for three and a half minutes, the classic meat love. Right? And it's cooking away in there. The juices are bubbling and the gravies are boiling. And I'm thinking three and a half minutes on high and I'm a happy camper. baby right but then there's a hook it says after three and a half minutes stir the potatoes

peel the film back and stir the potatoes and then cook again for two and a half minutes on high i'm sorry did you say stir the potatoes what am i a chef stir the potatoes stir the potatoes bro? What am I, Chef Ramsey Gordon all of a sudden here? You're asking moi to El Stirro El Potatoo? I think not. You're the classic meatloaf. You're in the microwave. You do all the cooking. Do you think I have time in my busy day to peel the film back and stir the potatoes? what did I go to DeVry and then study culinaryes or whatever it's called and why do I still have these on my face oh fuck off would you knock it off little cocoa good lord anyways so you know this is this is the society we live in now this is where we're at where we just want things quickly it's

It's like I was saying we condensed the word, you know, KFC, Mickey Days, AIDS. We just, America wants stuff fast, man. I signed up for a three-and-a-half-minute meatloaf, baby. I didn't sign up to be opening the door, pulling off a film, stirring no potatoes, and then putting the film back and cooking it again for another two-half minutes. Man, I should have been eating my classic meatloaf two and a half minutes ago now. Come on. Come back. Come on now. I say, come on, come back. Hey, now. Come on. Now, come on. Now. Fuck off. Would you knock it off?

Anyways, I shouldn't complain. Some people have no food, right? Let me adjust my seat here. Let me, you know, I think it's time to open another one. I think it's time to open. Get a little, little, we're talking about meatloaf and beef, and I'm like, hello. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh. This is sad. This is tough. This is tough. This is a tough. one to talk about, but holy smoke, the homeless issue, the homeless, especially here in Los Angeles, man, it's tough. It's tough to see. It's tough to watch. I mean, we literally have a city now where people are camping in tents, up and down Main Street, Sunset Boulevard, Hollywood Boulevard, Melrose, Laszienega, all the other places. Tents.

And not just one, 10, 15 tents in a row. People cluttering up the neighborhoods, camping out in tents. And it's tough to hear, it's tough to see, it's tough on all of us, and it's incumbent on all of us to try and help. How do we help these poor, lost, tortured souls move on, transition to the next plane, the next place? how do we how do we help them get out of the camping situation and and back in the flow and i know you've all searched your your hearts and minds and souls to find a solution and

and i have too and in my neighborhood i think i came up with something when i when i saw the people camping on the street i thought how how do i how do i help and like we often do these days i turn to We want technology. I turned to good old-fashioned technology. I hit the internet. I'm like, there's got to be an answer here to stop the camping. And sure enough, I found this thing called eBay. eBay, eBay, where you can find just about anything you want.

If you want a gargoyle for the side of your house, eBay. If you want space tiles from the side of the shuttle craft to decorate your home, eBay. If you want, I don't know, Cindy Crawford's mole skin. You know that mole Cindy Crawford has? I'm sure it sheds like a snake, right, every year. So if you wanted, you know, maybe she saves the, I'm sure she saves the skins and sells them.

But here on eBay, I'm thinking, how do I help these lost souls, these campers, here in the richest country in the world, the United States of America, how do I help these campers transition and move on from my neighborhood? And I'm on eBay, and what do I find? The answer was right there.

It's as if God led me to it, for $326, a full head-to-to-toe black bear costume. Black bear costume with real bear fur, real bear fur and oh boy i mean what's more synonymous with camping than a black bear and so now late at night at about three in the morning when the when the campers oxy cotton dreams and crystal meth nightmares are just starting to kick in i sued up an old smoky and I kind of creep down the sidewalk on all fours and I get right outside their tents and I'm just like and they're gone. And they're gone out of my side of the tent or the garbage bag or whatever.

And they're gone. They're gone out of my neighborhood. I don't know what's going on in your neighborhood. but they are gone. They are gone. So it's nice to be able to help. I hope y'all figure out a way to contribute. I'm joking.

I'm joking around. Holy God. I'm joking around. But let's do this. Let's pop to a little commercial from our sponsors. And we'll be right. right back after this. Are you having fun here today, little Coco?

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This guy, this guy. What is, what is wrong with you, bro? Oh, why don't you fuck off big time? You know what, I, have you got like a, fuck off? I got a story that, I don't know if you're going to like it, but I'm going to tell it. Everyone has their pep peeves in life, right? Everyone's got their pep pepies, little things that just rub them the wrong way, right? just, I don't know what it is.

It could be parallel parking. It could be waiting in lines at fast food restaurants. Who knows what it is. But I'll tell you my pep thief, short dudes, man. I don't know what it is. I just cannot handle short dudes. They rub me the wrong way, especially when they try to act all tough, right? When they're short, but they try to act like they're taller than they really are.

and they kind of start to, you know, put out that macho male aggression. But it's like, no, no, you're this tall. And I'm sure there's some short dudes watching right now. I can't see you, but I'm sure you're there. But this happened to me the other day. And I don't condone violence. I don't like it when things get messy or violent. But this is something that happened to me.

So I'm going to share it with y'all. I'm down doing a little shopping. I'm at one of these outdoor malls. You know, I'm doing the outdoor mall thing. And I'm just walking around, cruising around, you know, buying goods, looking in windows, going into bookstores, pretending I know how to read, this type of thing. This type of fanfare.

I like that word fanfare. Oh, this type of fanfare. Well, so anyways, I'm walking around at this outdoor mall. And you know, sometimes you can feel people's energy. I think we've all been in this situation where you can sense someone's looking at you. It's just part of the human condition. You can feel energy, right? You're just walking around.

You're like, hey, what the hell is that? And you look and someone's eye in you up. And sometimes it's a good thing. Sometimes it's a girl. It's someone hot that you like, and you just like, oh, that chick's. staring at me over there. Oh, whoa. Oh, that's a statue.

So I'm walking around at the outdoor mall, and I can feel it. I can just feel some weird energy. And I'm looking around, and sure enough, man, there's a short dude. There's a short dude eyeing me up. He's like giving me the stink eye or something, you know? I don't know why, but I can just feel it. And he's kind of looking at me like, you know. And I'm like, okay, I'm not having it, man.

I go into the red zone, right? I'm like, beep, beep, me, I'm like my microwave oven. I'm like R2D2, just after he's had an Irish steamer with C3PO. I don't even know what that, man. Fuck off. But here I go. I see this guy, I am me up this short dude, and I just snap. So what I did is I just went right over.

I went right over and I just grabbed them. I just, I didn't even hesitate. I just grabbed them by the throat and I lifted this little mutant right up off the ground and his legs were dangling, right? Just dangling little legs. Just dangling little midget legs. No offense, little Coco. But he's just dangling in the air.

And I'm holding this guy up. And I know I'm intimidating. Obviously, he's off the ground. He's left the surface of the earth's crust. And I thought, I'm going to take it a notch deeper. I'm going to freak them out. I'm going to intimidate him even more. And I bust into like a cockney British accent,

like one of those tough guys from the snatch movie, you know? And I'm holding this guy up. And I'm like, hey, look, mate. Have we got a fine problem here, brough? Right? Have we got a fine problem here, brough? And I'm in the middle of intimidating this guy. And all of a sudden, his buddy, this other guy he's with,

who's like even taller than me, like two, two, three inches taller than me. I didn't see that they were together. Now this guy sees me lifting up the mutant. And he starts lighting me up. And he goes, hey, man, what the fuck are you doing? And so now I'm like, okay, I got this guy. Now I'm going to deal with this guy, but I'm already in the red zone. So now I'm like, hey, if I got a fine.

problem with you now brough and the guy looks at me says yeah put my nine-year-old son down and and i'm like okay fair enough but he is only this high and you know how was i didn't know he was nine i mean just because he's wearing uh you know school boy shorts and a blazer from a all boys private boarding school. I might have recognized. So anyways, that was my run-in with the shortness. And speaking of fashion, I want to get us to this week's hand-drawn t-shirts that I do. Every week we do a display of hand-drawn t-shirts. I actually draw right on the shirt, or in this case, on my chest. And let's go ahead and show you this week's featured hand-drawn t-shirts that are available at my t-shirt website, harbleng.com. Go ahead.

Oh, yeah, here we go. Time for another hand-drawn shirt by yours truly. And if you don't know, I draw my own t-shirts. I take Sharpie markers and I draw directly on the t-shirt. And if this shirt still available, you can own it at harbling.com. So let's go ahead and reveal this week's hand-drawn harlot t-shirt. Okay, here are today's fabulous hand-drawn t-shirts. Are you watching old Coco? Uh, the first one over here is called sushi showdown.

Sushi, Sushi Showdown. and as you can see it's like an old style western gunfight and the inspiration for this came from you know when you go for sushi sometimes you got to choose between the sushi roll and the sushi strip or whatever it's called and I thought what an interesting rivalry and I thought what if these guys had an okay corral shootout to decide once and for all who was the king of sushi

so that's the sushi showdown down. And then over here, this one's called Picaxo, Picasso, Picaxo. And the inspiration for this shirt is Picasso, the artist, obviously. But when I do my gardening, I have this great big pickaxe that I keep out in my tool shed. And I saw it the other day. And the word just kind of came together, and I kind of copied Picasso's signature. and altered it, added a few letters, so it reads PICAXO. And so there's my interpretation of a Picasso painting on a pickax. So I hope you like them little cocoa. You look like you're about to vomit. You too. And that's this week's Harland Williams hand-drawn T-shirts.

And remember, those are available at Harbleng.com. The originals might be sold out by the time you get there, but don't fear if you really like an image, we can put it on a print for you. So hope you enjoy, and we'll see at the sushi restaurant. All right, we're back. So if you want to pick up one of those shirts, go ahead and get one. And like I said, if we're out of the original, you can always buy a print, which are just as cool. and they're a fraction of the cost and any of the designs that I've done,

you'll see them on the website. Any design can be put on a T-shirt or a hoodie or a coffee mug or anything like that. People are loving them, so go ahead and order yours. Today I draw them with Sharpie. And, you know, long before weed became legal, ladies and gentlemen,

Sharpies were legal. always been legal. And I'm not recommending you do this. I'm not telling you to do this, but if you're low on your weed, if you can't afford any weed, if there's no weed to be found, and you're looking to get a little trippy, a little high, don't do this. I'm not telling you to do this, but here's what I do. Instead of weed, I just pop it. And drop it. Oh, man. I mean, forget your opioids.

Forget your oxy cottons. Forget your diarrhea pills. Forget your marijuana's, your Mary Jane, your mongo smoke, your puff, puff, the magic dress. jerky weed, whatever you call it, man. I don't know what you're doing. Again, I'm not recommending this,

but here's how I trip. Here's how I take my trips. Excuse me, sir. May I borrow your Sharpie? Thank you. And it doesn't last long. It's a quick trip. It's a quick trip.

I'd say about 20 seconds. But where I just was, Avatar can go suck a log of moose poo, man. Avatar ain't got nothing on the trip I just took. I mean, Sharpie fumes, bro? I mean, you might as well bend down and stick your nose in the gas tank of a Formula One race car and do some breathing exercises

because that's as close as you're going to get to this trip, bro. Holy man. And what's great is the recovery time. Like, look at me, I bounced back, perfect. I just, for 20 seconds,

I'm Gonsville, and then I'm back, baby. Look at this. Let's do another one. It's such a, it's such a, what's the word I'm looking for? such a sophisticated high. It's such a

I don't know. It's just you can do it anywhere. Look. And he's back. I'm not telling you to do it. Kids, don't do this at home. I'm just showing you what I do. What I do to escape reality for a while.

You know, it's not like I do a podcast with a midget doll that just stares at me and curses at me to get away from reality. Fuck off. So I got to do something. The world's a tough place. It's a tough place to cope with. And by the way, is everyone coping okay? I feel like the COVID thing is kind of mysteriously gone away

and nobody's really worried about it anymore and nobody's worried about being vaxed or not vaxed. And I got to say, wasn't the vax thing a lot of stress for everybody? I mean, remember when they first said, you must be vaxed, you should be vaxed, right? And you had to go through this three ring circus to get it done. My God, you had to call the hospital, you had to make an appointment. It was like trying to get into a fancy steak shop in Beverly Hills.

Yes, two for needles in my arm at seven o'clock. What's that? The earliest you have is next Saturday at midnight? Oh, darling. Do we want to stay up that late? Okay, can you throw in some scalloped potatoes? No, okay. But, you know, so that was tough.

We don't like waiting in lines. We here in North America don't like being told what to do. We don't like waiting in lines. We don't like lining up for things, especially for something as inconvenient and annoying as a needle in your arm. Okay? I mean, we don't like lining up to go to a movie, which is two hours of pleasure.

But then they changed everything, and all of a sudden they were letting you get vaccinated everywhere. They had places at the side of the road and everywhere. So now there's no excuse to not be vaccinated. And once that happened, that kind of cleared the clouds for old Muwa, which is me in French, Ma'a. Do you speak French, little Coco? Fuck off. So once everything cleared up

and it became easy to get a vaccination anywhere, I jumped in. I didn't get my first Vax until about five weeks ago. And you could do it anywhere. You'll never guess where I did it. Yeah, that's right. You guessed it, Panda Express. I got my first Vax of Panda Express.

And it went great. went great until the end they gave me a fortune cookie and I opened the fortune and I read it said you gonna die motherfucker so that was a little whacked out but then I got the second Vax I guess it was two weeks ago finally you'll never guess that's right the Arby's drive-thru I got that at Arby's and they were so nice there they were so you know they put the little needle I pulled up they put the little needle in and It's like, oh, it stings, and they rub some horsy sauce on it. They put a little horsy sauce and gave me some curly fries to see me on my way.

And I'm getting my booster shot. You'll never guess I'm getting that in two weeks at Donnie and Marie's summer ranch home in Arizona. You know those buck-toothed freak sister and brother act that, yeah, yeah, I'm doing it at Donnie and Marie's getting the booster shot. And Marie's going to hold me down And Donnie's going to give it to me And I don't think I like what I just said It sounds like it could hurt

Um So So there you go So, uh, you know I think we've discussed a lot today A little Coco Fuck off Um

Well Are you gonna come back and host with me again or what? What don't you fuck off? Okay. Okay Well, I hope you're enjoying the podcast, ladies and gentlemen, and it's a long one today. Let me just dab off. Dab off. Look at that.

The old Hyundai, the old Hyundai dollar bill with the blue line down the middle. What the hell is this? Is this to stop the counterfeiters? How do we stop them from printing their own money? Well, let's put a blue line down the middle. That should work. Unless, of course, they go to any store on the world and buy a blue magic marker and just go like this.

In fact, you know what? I'll give you a hundred bucks. I'm going to give little cocoa a hundred bucks to say something nice before we end the podcast today. And here's a hundred bucks. Please say something nice to end the podcast.

Go ahead. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Give me that back, you little mutant. Fuck off. All right.

Well, listen. Don't forget to check my website, Harlan Williams. com. And you can see all my stand-up comedy dates, which are there on my web page. Don't forget to go to harbling.com to get your custom one-of-a-kind hand-drawn t-shirts. And also, don't forget to join my Patreon.

For those of you who liked the old podcast where I did a lot of my characters, I did a lot of skits where I did various characters like Aunt Ruthie and Colonel Tom Doughty and Dr. Ascott and. all kinds of crazy characters. Those characters still live on my Patreon account. And what Patreon is, it's a digital platform. You sign up at the internet, go to Google and type in Harland Williams' Patreon account. And you can go to the Patreon page, and for $5 a month, you get all this bonus material.

So you'll get all the extra Harland Highway bonus material. Plus you'll get to see, get a first look at all my hands. drawn shirts you'll get video skits you'll get bonus features all kinds of stuff five bucks a month at my harland williams patreon page and you can try it out for a month five bucks the cost of a pack of camel cigarettes and if you don't like it you bail out and if you like it you stay on and uh i think you'll like it i'm hoping you like it i'm putting a lot of funny stuff up there for you guys and for those of you they're already on my Patreon, thank you, thank you, thank you. It all goes back into the production of the Holland Highway podcast.

So it's like the Circle of Life, Simba, or whatever that Lion King's name was. So that's it for today. I hope you had a good time. I hope you. Did you have a good time, a little Coco? Oh, you did. Well, finally he said something nice. Thank you.

That's it. Thank you for being here. Please subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast. Share it with your friends. Let them know it's out here. We want to get everyone we can riding down the magical highway. And we'll be having more special guests. People on the show, actors, comedians, friends, all kinds of people are going to be coming in. And sometimes it's just me and whoever ends up there. And at other times, it's, uh, We'll have some great guests. So, Astale Vista, as Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, when he wasn't plowing his cleaning lady. And until next time, everybody,

Chicken. Chau-Maine, baby. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ah! Ah! Fuck off!