The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #32 -BRYAN CALLEN, Comedian, Actor, Podcaster

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Bryan Callen drops by to experience the sensual side of food, speaking French, and discuss what is GOD! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, English, monsieur. The horse eats the tie on the table in the hair. Wow. You don't want to do this or not. Either you speak French or you don't. One of us went to DeVry and one of us are we going to angry again. You talk, you say, only the more, the more, in French. Yes, but no.

Yeah. Hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Hardland Williams. We putting cans on? Well, I do. You don't have to, but I do. It's up to you. I never need cans. Then you don't have to have them.

I just talk. I mean, you're going to miss the theme music. I'm going to say that much, but... All right. I'm going to listen to the theme music. And then if you want to take them off, ready? Go ahead. Holy cream-style corn guy. Let me take my...

glasses off, adjust my diaper, and call your sister. Do you have a sister? I do have a sister. What's his name? All right, I'm glad, because she does identify as a man now. She does? Yeah, she's got a dick on her. What's his name?

His name is Kathleen. Wow. It's a rare name. Can I call Kathleen Jim or anything? Sure, if you want, but she goes by Kathleen. Okay, but I'm allowed to use words. Kathleen with a dick. Or Dong.

I like Dong. Nobody uses Dong anymore. What's going on with your Dong, bro? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's just not cooperating. Do you know there was an actress

named Ray Dong Chong? I do. That was Tommy Chong's daughter. I think I know that. So if you dated her, you could go, what's going on, Dong? Yes. And she could say, what did you just call me, bitch?

Well, my friend's wife's name is Song Dong. Are you serious? And I swear to God, I think her name is Song Dong Chong. And when my buddy said, that's her name, I said, stop being racist. And he goes, no, that's her real name. That is a real name. Yeah, it's a Vietnamese name. I have a friend named Puffed Clit face.

Okay, well, if you get to say your names and maybe I don't. I know, I just don't know if that's altogether true. Listen, I'm here to be very serious. Yes, and you're here, buddy, on the Harland Highway Parkas. This is Brian Callum, everybody. Callan. Don't say Callum. Well, it's my show.

I'll call you a puffed up clit face if I want. I think he saw early that I'm good with names. And you're also a ruffian. I mean, you're a kid who knows his way around a hockey rink. Yeah. You've got a big frame. I got a big frame. You'll surprise a man with your frame.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll frame you up. You will frame me up, but you haven't been doing a lot of exercise. Is that fair? No, I've been doing a crap done guy. Like what? Like meet me on the racquetball court five days a week.

Is that right? Daddy will show a little Willie here who's in charge of the catfish kettle. So I'm going to say this, Jack. Okay, flap away, slong dong. So Susie wants no part of the big man. Susie wants no part of the big man when it comes to any sport that requires a ball and a racket. We know that, yeah? Because my top spin?

Yeah. My top spin? Yeah. Well, it's not fair, right? And my back spin? My back spin? Well, the ball stops, right? So, I mean, unless you've got four to speed.

Here's where you've already lost the game party player, because anyone who is proficient in racquetball knows you don't put a spin on a racquetball. You don't spin the balls like you're doing tennis, so you just lost, guy. If we're playing tennis, to return my top spin, if we're playing in L.A., be in Kentucky, right? Do you play on concrete or clay? Because I play on tar, like freshly melted. That's got to hurt bare feet.

It's going to hurt you. Yeah, it's impressive. Because I don't do a top spin. Right. I do. Have you ever seen a pawn or a, no, a rook in chess? Yeah, yeah, I played chess. Or a knight.

I was sponsored in chess, yeah. Yeah. So I do the move of it. My spin does an L shape, like a knight. Okay. That's how. That's impressive. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I call a power slam. If you could be a professional in any sport, what would it be? Ooh. Badminton? Really? Yeah, I grew up, badminton was my sport. I'll beat you in that, too.

You won't. Hey, look at me. Shh. I'll beat you in that too, right? Shh. Now, you. play hockey. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you're pretty good. Yeah, I'm not bad. Okay. And it wouldn't be hockey. No. Because I'm not, I'm going to be honest, I'm not as good at hockey as I am at badminton.

Saying it wrong. How do you say it? Badminton. Badminton. Badminton. Okay, and I'll tell you something right now. Don't step on, don't step on the grass with me. if we're playing badman because you're going to bring some horse shit and i'm going to spike it in your face i'm going to spike the bird in your face and i'm going to say what am i going to say after that i'm going to go don't ever bring that shit to my grass again that's what i'm going to say and after the 10th time i do that and you're down 10-0 you're going to break that racket over your knee and walk off and that's what i do to my opponents unless you come to really play did you just run up on me and do a rambo i did I apologize.

Oh, you're apologizing. Are we live? Are we recording? We're not going to record for a bit until we sort this stuff out. Because I get, I get, I still haven't given up the ghost. I get a little competitive when people start talking. You know what it is with you that I've noticed with you?

It's passion. You're a passionate. Yeah. Like I look in your eyes and they're smoky with that smoky passion like, like, the word you're, smoldering. I was about to say that's the word you're looking for. It's that smoldering. that smoldering like that campfire smold like somebody's just pissed on a campfire smoldering you've got

people say you smoldering piss eyes i'm not trying to smolder it's just i'm intense i know but that's just like you ever piss on a campfire yeah and you've got that smoldering urine piss eye yeah yeah that's that's because i have hepatitis as well but you know um so there's a yellow hue to my eyes um that's not the john what i's no it is that too probably who knows what i have who knows where my mouth Who knows what my mouth has been. Right, right. Now, you know what I say when I meet somebody on the field, if we're going to play any kind of sport? What?

I go like this. I go, oh, so that's who's coming in second. Yeah. You know, dude, I studied martial arts. And it's probably a martial arts form that you don't even know about. It's ancient. It's way, way before cage fighting or chicken coop restaurants. or whatever it is you do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's called Malayuda. Maluta. And it's, uh, it dates 3,000 BC. I mean, this is, this is stuff I train in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Pakistan, India, the Middle East. Oh, from the Kashmiri Valley or something. Yeah.

So, uh, you might want to, uh, step up, step back. Yeah. Kind of drift sideways and then take a real deep breath and fuck off hard. Okay. You know what the coolest thing I ever heard? I heard a guy who was a fighter and this guy tried to fuck with him and his girlfriend told me this story. And she said, he reached into his truck, grabbed a small club, gave it to the guy and said, okay, now you might have a chance. Whoa.

Yes. And then he beat the guy up. I have a story. My cousin who lives down in Florida town where you lost your virginity. He knew a guy who was an MMA guy, like a fighter guy. and they were out at a bar one night, okay, him and his girl, and then this guy and his girl, and they were at a crowded bar, and someone bumped into one of the girls and spilled their drink. And the guy, the fighter guy said, hey, man, like, apologize to the lady,

and the guy said, hey, fuck you, you know, go screw yourself, all that stuff. And the MMA guy just kind of walked over to the guy. My cousin was right there, and he said, listen, Here's where I'm going to break your knee, here, here and here. Now get the lady a new drink and apologize. He did it so, like, directly. But see, for me, I would say sorry way before that. Yeah.

If I'm going to spill your drink, I'm going to go, I'm really sorry. Or if you're going to say, me, I'm going to go, oh, I'm so sorry, I'll buy you a new drink. Yeah. I'm not even going to, you know, my buddy, these guys are going to fight my buddy and he has cauliflower ears and he was a pro fighter. Oh, wow. And he looked at them in San Francisco and his friend had cauliflower ears. And he looked at both them.

And he goes, hey guys, guys, guys, guys, there were three of them, three thugs. Yeah. And he said, look at my ears. You see our ears? It's not going to work out for you. Yeah. It's just not going to wear it. And they tried to fight him anyway, and it didn't work out for them.

Just hammered. Teeth everywhere. Really? They knocked their teeth out? Yeah, but I don't understand people who do that. It's like, hey, that guy has cauliflower ears. Yeah. So there are a lot of other people.

You never want to fight a vegetarian. Never want to fight a vegan. Yeah. Right? Maybe you're eating too many vegetables when your ears start. Growing cauliflower. Or you haven't cleaned them. My grandfather, you say, you didn't clean your ears and I can see cauliflower in there,

meaning there was dirt and then vegetables were growing up, which is annoying. And some alcoholics, don't they get like the cauliflower nose? Have you ever seen that? Yes, I have. I had a neighbor like that. Tell me about this. She was a very pretty woman. It was a woman with a cauliflower nose.

She was a tall, blonde, beautiful woman. I watched her over a course of 10 years, literally lose her husband. and then I watched the house crumble and I watched her nose it looked like a boiled yam it looked like if you cut out if you boil the yam cut it in half and I rammed it onto your nose

that's what her nose looked like and I'm not kidding and I couldn't stop staring at her fucking nose she would stand in her doorway and talk to you in a haze and was it just grotesque like just describe what it physically looked like to a woman who's about six feet tall from France with a yam on her nose with half a boiled ham for a nose.

Now, maybe some cultures that consider that attracted. Yeah. Where I'm from, planet Earth, that's revolting. You understand? Yeah. Yeah. No good things come from excess anything besides kindness. Where's my camera?

See, look at those, it's like those campground piss eyes. I hate it. I hate smolder. I know, and I hate it. Have you ever stood over? You've been camping with your buds or your family and you've got the campfire and you're not allowed to leave the campsite with the smolder. You guys got to make sure there's nothing left.

And you got no more water so you pee and all your buddies pee on the cook. Yeah, you know, your buddies, sometimes when you're camping and then you're like around the campfire and then everybody starts wrestling and somebody's cock flies out of their speedo. You know what I mean? And then maybe after that. So you camp in a speedo. No, I'm just saying college shit. But when you do do that, when you pull your thing out of...

Or it just flies out by accident. It just, sure, sure, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, just sitting there and it's like lightning. Do you want in context or your eyes that blue naturally? I have wolf flies. I have, I got... You do have wolfies, dude. Yeah.

Is that your nickname? That should be. It could be. Harland, Wolf-Fives, Williams. Let me one of your speedos and see what happens. I don't have any. I'm too old for that. But what I'm saying is these guys, they piss on the fire, and you think it's out,

but there's still that sort of yellowish, urinish, smoldering. Yeah. And that's your eyes. All right, dude. Fine. You have wolf eyes and I have piss eyes. Can we move on? But it's hard to concentrate.

No, I. There's a lot of passion there. Yeah, I know that, dude. So let's talk about something that matters. Okay, so let's talk about people, you like food. Do you ever eat? I do. They say that food is a form of passion when you eat, the texture of food.

And I thought since we're dealing with your raw passion, it's hard to avoid. I knew we'd probably run into it almost immediately. What I'd like to do, if you'll indulge me, is I'd like to present some food for both of us. And not so much with words, but we crunch the food into the microphone and look at each other in the eye, man to man. Yeah. And we see if we pick up on anything in the passionate eating. Yeah. And we maybe write down what we think we feel.

Okay. If that's okay. Yeah. Okay. Food is passionate. Food's emotional. There's a bag of chips for you. Hold on.

I'm going to take out my invisible line. Take it out. Oh, you guys. got Envisaline? Yeah, they're not doing well for me. Well, maybe later if you're making out with a ghost. Yeah, I do. Here's a pad for you to write, you know, any thoughts you might have when we do this

experiment. And then also we'll bring in some other crunchy foods. And there's a bucket there beside you. You don't have to swallow. If you want to spit, we'll bring in, we'll bring in, uh, we'll bring in, uh, crunchy carrots, and you can crunch right into the mic, and we'll just look at each other. I wrote down all the words that came to my mind.

Well, not finished yet. I mean, it's got me more than that. I'm going to take a bite of this. It's whatever you, feel? It's the biggest fucking carrot I've ever seen. That's a huge carrot. Look at me.

Look at me. Yes, it's real fries. Fucking bizarre Well, I'm true It's a way of communicating, guys You're the one that brought passion into the room It's kind of grinding the podcast to a halt Well, no

Bear with us, guys, listen to this Salary Takes more calories to chew Shhh Look at me. God, that scared me. Oh, oh, oh, that's now.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, God. That's so aggressive. Wow. That was interesting. Yeah. You are passionate.

What did you write down? You want me to start? I think that first crunch you did at me. And when I crunched back, I popped into my head, no, do, do, do, da, da, da, that's all I have to say to you. Okay. You've always been musical. Does that make sense?

It does. I wrote down lemon, salt, and music. Oh. Then horses, hay, and war. Then wrote down wild, howling, putrid. I wrote electric and conduit. I wrote cast. breaking, crushing pain.

Then I wrote sensual shark. Angry rabbit. Gray rabbit. Huh. Yeah. I wrote Korean Power Slam. Bakersfield Red Room, Red Roof Inn, Room 1209. I don't see that.

I don't see that there. Look. It's there. Okay, well, I don't know what you. See, I feel like you're writing it now. Because it's coming to me a bit late. Okay. It's coming to a little.

Yeah, your eyes throw me off. Yeah. That happens. I mean, sometimes when I look in your eyes, I picture a koala coming out of a eucalyptus forest on the outskirts of Australia. Chihuahuas carries chlamydia, so that might be what you smell. That's probably what I smell, but what I see are little black beady koala eyes. See, I feel like you're insulting me because you told me I have piss eyes and beady koala eyes. So I feel like that's an insult.

No. Right? I said you smolder. I have smolder, but now you're saying I have koala, bea, quala eyes and piss eyes. And now I feel like that's not nice. And so I feel like you're not seeing the best that I have to offer. You're right. You're right.

Can I apologize? But I have to believe you. I'm going to look in your eyes. Well, I wasn't going to do it now. If I could do it in a couple of weeks, send you a gift basket or something. Uh-huh. Some invisaline and some flowers. Does that thing work?

I can't stand it. No, once you're down the rabbit hole and your teeth, shifted yeah you got to go all the way and you got to wear them 23 hours a day you do uh-huh we start from scratch how do you give blow how do you eat with them on that was a personal question i said how do you got to take them out like i just did oh really yeah the whole thing's embarrassing and shitty but your teeth look so like smooth and exactly exactly so you're trying to make your teeth crooked they weren't but i'm on i'm toward the the end of the road here with my invisible line yeah and here i'm offering you these hard foods like a

carrot and uh yeah not sensitive let me uh are you doing a lot of stand up hang on i'm just i'd like to give you something to help soften your palate oh boy a fun sprinkle donut yeah i love donuts you know what the problem with this harlan what i can tell by touching it yeah it's been sitting around for a long time yeah yeah it has yeah so you can go you can fuck right off with this donut do you know what i mean though wait yeah yeah yeah can we can put this in the context? Yeah. If there's a bus

that drives deep into fuck off town, where am I going? You're all the way to the mayor's office. Whoa, bro, that's a hard fuck off. Yeah,

because this is a, this is a, donuts aren't that expensive and you had to cut corners on a fucking donut. So so far you fed me, celery and raw carrots, Doritos,

and a fucking six-day-old doughnut. Yeah, but what, you missing here it's about as hard as this test do throw throw me a nancy drew be a hearty boy what are you missing in this mystery i'm going to admit you got me it's a six-day-old yeaster yeah but what are you missing that offsets the sprinkles yeah it does look at enjoy and not only that the icing is pink enjoy i'm not doing it because i don't trust you i think you've drugged it or something do you have a uh do you have power tools at home no no

You ever hear of a bandsaw? Yeah. Or a jigsaw? Sure. So what I did, and this is fun, I'm glad you didn't bite it because it tells me you're perceptive. This isn't actually a donut. I took my jigsaw down to the shell station and cut the glory hole out of Stahl 12.

Well, if you're going to laugh. No, that's what I thought. Yeah. That's what I thought. So good for you. Perceptive, smart, didn't bite into the glory hole. and way to go. Yep, I already have hepatitis, so I don't need more of it.

Have you ever had like a lethal illness? No. For real? No, luckily. How? No. Yeah. How do you avoid that?

How are you so healthy? Well, I saw Christina Applegate has MS. It made me sad today. Oh, no. Yeah, sometimes you see that and it makes you sad. You kind of go, I worked with her, not directly, but I was on the same show. I did an episode, and she's so beautiful and she's funny and talented. and then I guess she's in a wheelchair or something.

No, she's not. She had cancer, breast cancer. What? And then MS. That sucks. That's, and when you look at her, when she was back in the day on that show on Fox, married with children. Special. Like, not only beautiful, but she was sort of one of those girls that was really sexy hot.

Sexy. Because she was talented. She's talented and smart. You don't work for that long by accident. She's just a special person And then like it's just She's still beautiful and young But it's like fuck dude

Cancer and then MS, fuck you If you were in a wheelchair Be honest and I think I know the answer But would you abuse it Would you be one of these guys That would roll around and fucking ram things And go into the wheelchair parking lot At Home Depot

I would put a snow plow on the front of it Yeah Oh okay And I would also But I would spend most of my time writing. Writing. Yes, I'd be a novelist, and I wouldn't be a good one. What's that going to do with a wheelchair guy?

I don't know. I'd have to sit down. It would just force me to be sitting all the time. So because you were unable to do anything else. No, I can do other things. I'd lift weights. Come on, man. Be cool.

Well, what if your arms don't work, neither's? Oh, well, that's terrible, dude. Well, you're in a wheelchair. I don't know if you're a full-on vegetable or you're just to your late. be? Well, you're not going to even give me the use of my, so you're making me a quadriplegic, not a paraplegic. Well, you're making yourself the James Kahn from misery. Suddenly you're a writer because your legs got mulled up. Well, why are you punishing me for having aspirations and for not having my spirit crush? Because you're stealing, you're plagiarizing a Stephen King novel

misery. I am not. I just want to be a good writer. Yeah, but with no legs. Well, that's not my fault. Kathy Bates didn't hobble me. Yeah, but still, you're right away. As a writer, you shouldn't be out of the gate stealing someone else's story. I'm not stealing anybody's story. I'm writing my own fucking stories. Yeah, but you're in a wheelchair. You don't even know, you're not even in my, well,

you don't even know what we haven't written that much of my hypothetical story yet. Well, a lot of yelling coming from a guy with no legs. So I can't yell now? Why don't you slap your nubs together? And I have legs. I'll have, you know, they just don't work the way yours do. My legs are otherly able. Well, then how did your legs go out on you?

You fucking are the one who willed it so in this terrible scenario. I willed you to have no legs. Well, you're the one who came up with it. I didn't put myself in the wheelchair. I just asked if you would abuse the privilege and go into all the wheelchair parking laws. No. But I definitely would use the handicapped stall. And the handicapped parking lot.

Yes, I would. Because it's my right. Yeah. There I said it. Sorry, I got a little heated. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No?

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H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. What do you got? What do you got, Guy? I'll show you. I don't know if you're going to like what I got. I said sorry in a lot of different languages.

Well, can you... I'm sorry, pardon, I'm sorry. Me despiage-molto. It's Italian for, I'm sorry. I thought that was Japanese. I've heard that before. You said Domo Aragato? No, I did not.

I said, me disbiati-molto, which means I'm sorry in Italian. If I was dyslexic, all I would hear is Domo Aragato, Mr. Roboto. So if you're going to make fun of people with speech impediments, and you're a fucking guy with no legs? You know, let me read what I got from your rant. Anger management. Oh, my God. Satan's asshole.

That's so over the top. We're having a bit of a rough ride here out of the gate, but you know what? One of those I recognized was French. Parle you? But I don't know if I'm... No, you're Canadian, but you don't know. It's a domoge.

No, monsieur. No, you know, you part a little, huh? Not com what? Do you have you with what I'm sorry? You know, let's do this, because I don't believe for a minute you're fluent in French. We're going to have a minute long. I'm going to set the time. We're going to have a minute long conversation in French.

Perfect. I'm going to go in in the edit, and I'm going to chiron underneath what each of us is saying. Perfect. I have a feeling people will finally. Mm-hmm. Wow. Let me set the timer. How old are you?

Hold on. Not yet, Guy. Here we got word zero. Hello, Brian. I'm a man. How are you? Brian. Oh, it's good. Enchanty, my name.

Enchanty. The chevales on the table? The cheval monged the cravat on the table. But no, but no. The cravat? But no. The car. Oh, but no, the horse eats.

The horse eats. But you have you said, the cheval, mongier, mongue, manch, la cravade, on the table, in the hair. Oh, English, monsieur. The horse eats the tie on the table in the hair. Wow.

Do you want to do this or not? Either you speak French or you don't. One of us went to DeVry, and one of us, there we go, getting angry. again. You talk, you say only the

the words in French in French. But no. Yeah. And then in the car,

the papillon with the anana. It's good? No. I don't don't know no.

Monsieur. No. You have not. No. But you're fool. You know?

You know? It's a fool. You know? It's so. Really. Really. Oh, it's good? Yes, it's not, it's not a good.

No, the pan and the chas. Les chas. Le pan and the chas. Mange the solace. Mose le solace. Eat the sun. So bread and the cat, the bread and the cat eat sun. Guy.

I'm trying to talk, French. If you don't know how to do it, which I think you're proven my point, you keep stepping out of it. No, I'm just saying you said some interesting things. Anybody is French, please. Yeah. That's the whole point. I'm going to put chiron's under this. Yes, you are.

And I'm going to superimpose my degree from DeVry in France. All right. Okay. Do you want to do this or not? I do. Can we talk about some substantive things? You start in French. Here we go.

I'm resetting it. Let's stop the anger. All right. I don't like the anger here. Can I speak in English? Yeah, but can we do a minute of French? We just did a minute of French. But you broke out of it more than Brian Adams fucking acne at a fucking grease.

at a fucking grease party. But you were just making up words. You were putting words together. Oh, okay. Well, guess what the Kairons are going to tell the story. Yeah, they are going to tell the story. And so if you want to redeem yourself and do this for real, all right.

Or if you want to play, I'm ready, evade and avoid. Listen, Wolfiezer, I want to know what you do with your days. Are you on the road? Screws me? Are you on the road? Are you doing a stand up on the road? Are you, what do you do with your day?

days. Well, I'm really, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Sorry. Oh, my God. What happened? It's all good. Take everybody calm down. We're all good. Are you okay? Yeah, fine. It's usually when I, I get into a deep squat and start reading Nietzsche. What I'm doing with my days, guy, is I'm, let's move these out of the way. Yep. uh-huh take your time what are you doing with your days i'm focusing on how to clear up the plastic problem on this planet yes that's going to be tough what are your thoughts on that because there are giant islands of this stuff floating around in the ocean and i want to know if a guy like you cares you even think i think that i think that technology will get out of the outside of those problems

not regulation. I'm a big believer in technology, and so if you pass laws to try to cool the planet, it's a bankrupt policy. If you create financial incentives and technology, so they're coming up with bacteria that breaks plastic down. Yeah. And that's a way better way to do it.

I even saw some guy that developed some kind of biodegradable, like what's it called, like not a mold. but a, like, oh, what's it called? It's like a fungus or some kind? Yeah, some kind of like organic material that can be shaped into drinkable bottles, but after six months, they actually biodegradated. They have that. So they have shoes now that you put in the ground and they can be completely biodegradable.

You put your shoes in the ground? There's a shoe company now that's 100% very tough. It's a type of foam, very tough. Yeah. But you put it in the ground in three months. months. It's gone. That's all, that's all, technology is going to be astounding. It's moving at an exponential rate. The question is, what does it do for us? It's going to make for a cleaner planet. It'll make for less waste. We'll probably be at a point where we can take everything and recycle it

completely. So everything you use will be, everything, every, all waste will be used in one way or another. We're getting better and better at that. It's kind of like up in the space shuttle. This is kind of kind of plays back a little. They recycle urine. Yep. They'll pee and then they'll somehow. Yep. Recycle it.

Distill it. Great word. Great actor too. Yeah. They, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're, into, into drinkable water. That's right. Piss. I'll do you one better.

Bill Gates has a thing where you can go to the bathroom and then the, they treat that waste. and you get fresh drinking water out of it. How about that? Well, isn't that what I just said? Yeah. But I said piss. Yeah. And what does that word remind you of?

My eyes, you piece of shit. All right, I'm just saying. But, you know, my mother loves me, and that's what's important. I love you, guy. You know, I'm just toying with. You're a fighter. I can't, look, I knew you'd come in and I knew it was going to be about. I got heavy and fast hands.

Yeah. I know where to put my feet. Yeah, in the ground. It's not about where you, it's not about, it's not about, punching. It's where you punch from. Wow. What about if I punch from Hawaii? Well, I catch angles.

I'll catch angles on you. So you'll catch a Hawaiian punch. Whatever. I don't want to get punched by a Hawaiian. They're big, strong people. I'm just saying. You don't want to get a fight in Samoa. Yeah.

There are certain parts of the world where I'm, my, no matter what I do, I'm a black belt and jiu-jitsu where it doesn't matter. If I go to American Samoa, or I go to Tonga, or I go to, if I'm hanging around the Māori's of New Zealand, the only people I can beat up are the 10-year-olds. And by the time they're 12, I got my hands full because they're all bigger than I am. You know what I love about you, too, is that you can come in here and kind of expose to the people just that you're afraid of men. I'm afraid of certain cultures. I'm not about to go to Russia and start playing.

grab ass or shove around yeah i'm not going to go to senegal sure west africa and and challenge a bunch of people to uh wrestling slash boxing foot race yeah you understand i do understand the afra coast yeah keep the afra coast fastest people in the world yeah i got a lot of information dude no what i love is that you're you're bringing everything down to the point where we'll probably see you standing in a uh in a school yard with mentally handicapped children and throwing down because you've literally crossed off every other race and group of people on the globe and so makes me wonder ask me what i do if you came at me uh what would you do if i came at you keep you busy how you'd have your hands full you know what i mean might

you might have a little too much for your hands you know some of the stuff might spill to the ground. You get in the metaphor, I'm laying down. Look at those eyes. Your hands might be a little two full. It's your eyes. It's not your words. I'm like glazing over. Yeah. They're hypnotic. I'm like, I'm like that jungle snake from the

jungle book. From the jungle book. Yeah. The swirling twilight's own eyes. Ka. Ka. Ka. Ka. Um, I think, back to technology, is that I think the time is a coming, friend, when we're going to have children in the hospital and they're going to hand you a menu, and they're going to say, which chips

would you like in your child? Would you like the detection chip? Would you like this chip? Would you like that? I think these are going to be antiquate. People are going to look back and go, what do you mean you carried this around? Yes. It's going to be embedded in our flesh somewhere. We're going to touch the side of our ear and talk to, you know, whoever. Well, I think before that, I think probably glasses will show up. But more than that, though, with Google Glass. Yeah, it didn't work. But I think what's really going to happen, I have a joke about this,

is that you're going to be able to edit your child's jeans. Really? What if they don't wear jeans? You'll have a stock child. And then they'll say, if you want your child to be a D1 athlete, we can do that. We can provide more fast-stress. muscle and a longer femur bone we can make sure your kid never loses their hair we can definitely ensure that your kid will never get any of these childhood or um genetic diseases right so all of those

things are going to come and then the the larger question is are we going to be a 30 40 years are we going to all be six foot four and six five it's going to be weird man yeah and only the rich will be able to afford the full deluxe package so that you'll come out of that already you know you're They'll probably have certain cognitive advantages, you know, better memory. As they work these things out, I worry about where our biology is going to fit in to the future. But do you really think they'd isolate the lower income people? Because I feel like with these chips, it's not only about, you know, making us better and quicker, more efficient, but if you eliminate the lower income people, then they can't control.

them. I think it's also about control, too, because you'll have these implants. Those are two different things. You're going to have implants. Yeah. And we already are tracked, but you'll definitely have implants, but you're going to be able to choose your genetic makeup and change your genetics with CRISPRCast 9. How about that? Wait, what's CRISPRCast 9? CRISPRCAST 9 is a way of splicing in, taking out the genes you don't like, putting in the genes you do like. And let me tell you what that means. That means if a white couple want to have a black child, you can make that happen.

No. Yes. That is on the frontier. That is, and not that far away. You will be able to make superhuman sort of, you know, Christina Doudna, who, invented Chris Piper Kass and I with a, she's a codebreaker with a couple of the other people, called for a global pause,

said, look, all you countries out there like China, who may not have the same ethical boundaries. Yeah. You know, let's be careful about what we do with this, this information,

because you may be able to make a group of super soldiers, or even crazier, even crazier, splice in animal genes with human genes. I like that. I said it. For the first time in our history, we're going to be able to control our evolution.

Where is my fucking camera? Oh. Yeah. Well, sometimes when you say profound shit, you've got to give people a second. Well, you know what I mean? Again, I think everything you just said is really profound, but also nothing I haven't read in a Stephen King book,

kind of like what you did earlier with misery. All right. Probably right, and I do get most of my information from Stephen King. I'm a kingist. If you could be part animal, talk to me. What are you, guy? What's going on with you? Leopard spots, rhino horn, squid ink.

I can see you laying on a bad spread eagle. Someone walks into the room. You blast them with chocolatey dark ink. Yeah, and it feels good. Yeah, like just you're pumping your buttocks. Here comes. Here it comes. Like, what are you?

I'm going to squid you. I want the ears of a wolf. Why? Because I can't have the eyes of one. You've already got them. Do I have the eyes of a wolf? Yeah, wolf eyes. Yeah, I think I'd like, I'd like, I think instinct.

But that's not physical. I know. I'm talking physical. Let's stick with what you set up here. Physical, ultimately, I'd like the ability. to a giraffe only sleeps two hours a day. Yeah, but where are you going to rest your head on the roof? Sharks don't get cancer.

Yeah, but probably, how long can you hold your breath? Well, I want kills. Really? Good question. When they can come up with red blood cells that they've made in a lab, okay? Yeah. And they can hold oxygen for longer. You might be able to hold your breath for one hour underwater.

How about that, bro? I like that. Yeah, that's another thing that might be on the horizon. Technology is no joke. Yeah, you know what? I'd like to be, I'd go with octopus. Why? Because I could stand against your backdrop.

Shapeshifter. Not shapeshifter, but I can change the pattern on my skin and I could replicate that pattern right behind you. I could be standing behind you and you wouldn't know it. I love that. You just feel my hot octopus breath going down your back. Well, you would probably be. if you had that power, I believe that you would be a crouching masturbator

because you'd be in celebrity homes and you'd watch them have sex. And I'd have eight hands. And I think most people would do that, I'm sorry to say. A crouching what? I think if we had the power to be invisible or to camouflage ourselves to that degree, it would turn us into most of us or a lot of people into crouching masturbators. They'd just be watching people have sex. now personally i truly believe i wouldn't do that yeah i don't even watch porn believe it or not you

don't no it does nothing for me what what do you watch then i don't watch uh as i get older i get more interested in tell me if you feel this way yeah as i get older i am far more interested in self-restriction and trying to be as truthful in every aspect of my life as i can be i like And I don't know if it's because I'm more religious. You are religious. I have hatred for some people, right? Or just, or not hatred, but like I, I don't, there are a lot of people that I think are just bad, right? You get older and you're like, ooh, you're an artist of pain or you're just a bad person.

Okay, I agree. You just want to create chaos in the world because your life sucks. Yeah, I agree with this. And so then there's this idea of like, I would like to get back at them. and there are some people that I'd like to eliminate because I think they're bad for the world. Yeah. But then I have another problem,

which is this sort of fear of God or this idea that I have to still live the right way. Yeah, yeah. So it's that nagging thing of doing the right thing. So I want to kill people, but I'm too religious to do it. So you're a godly man. Yeah, but I don't go to church, but I do believe in God. I love that.

Some people in this, especially in this town where we live, You're even afraid to even say it. Oh, it's, I know. Isn't it horrible? I know. It's like, you know, even if you don't like God, how can you dump on someone else who believes in something that sort of stands for good and wholesome? Meaning. Yeah.

And spiritual strength. And whether it's real or not is not for anyone else to judge, but don't stop someone else from believing in what they want to believe in. Well, what is real is, is. people's need for meaning and need for something that they can't measure. As an example, I think it's been proven that if you are going to have a society that's radically atheist and that just looks at God as some fairy tale, what human beings inevitably do is they create their own religion. It's what Nietzsche warned about.

You will create your own religion. And that religion will be something like fascism, capitalism, socialism, atheism, human beings will get religious about their beliefs. They'll even get religious about their non-belief. And then they'll try to, as everyone does, shape a society to their own mind's eye. Yeah. And if you don't, one of the things that I think the truest thing

I've ever heard from a religious book is don't worship false gods. Yeah. And what that means is that if you don't believe in something higher than yourself that you're responsible to, and you know what it is, because when you're fucking up, you're saying yourself, I'm fucking up, right? So when you don't practice that self-restriction, that nagging self-restriction that you might blame on your parents or your culture, but I think it comes from something deeper,

then what you will do is you will worship something else in its entirety, like rationality and science, which is amazing and very important to adhere to, but it can't be the only thing. So let me ask you this. If you don't recognize sort of the, you know, the religious church God, what's your vision of God? When you pray, when you think about God, what's that manifestation look like? Truth, you know, self-control for its own sake. Right.

Self-restriction for its own sake. You know, a saying no far more than I say yes. that that's not i'm not being very articulate in that but i i i think this is closer to what it is you can imagine the worst thing in the world and then you can and then you can imagine it being worse than you can imagine yeah yeah you can also imagine the best thing in the world and then you can imagine it being something better than you can imagine you can keep extrapolating and both ends of the spectrum. Yeah.

So you can imagine what hell would be like. You can imagine what heaven would be like. And you can also imagine your worst side, the darkest side of yourself, the angels of your worst nature. And then you can imagine being guided by the angels of your best nature. And then you can keep going with that. Why just survive back to school when you can thrive by creating a space that does it all for you, no matter the size.

Whether you're taking over your parents' basement or moving to campus, IKEA has hundreds of design ideas and affordable options to complement any budget. After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. Shop now at IKEA.ca. And so I think that human beings were given an imagination for that purpose. Because imagination allows you everything that is concrete in the world. world was first conceived of in somebody's brain imagination yeah there's plenty of mathematicians who came up spent dedicated their life to some fucking obscure theorem or equation that bore no relevance

to the physical world 200 years later somebody pulled it off the shelf and said i need this if i'm going to put a rover on mars right you tell me what that is because that came to that guy in a dream 200 years ago and now it bears direct relevance to something concrete that you can touch see smell and feel even with my piss eyes. See how I brought it back? Yeah. Yeah. You're not even following this.

You should be writing this shit down, dude. I don't really know how to write real well. Oh, fuck, I knew it. I fucking knew it. You're illiterate. Well, I went to DeVry and I studied English. That's not where you study English, dude. Well, I did, and it came out pretty good.

I mean, I think I'll speak pretty good English. That's your fucking real accent. That's my English accent. That's really not bad at all. It's not bad. Yeah, it's not bad at all. But let me ask you this in an English accent. Stitting with the theme of God and the almighty creator.

Yeah. What you said was very sort of philosophical. Right. And I appreciate it. And I did absorb every ounce of it. Right. But if you could visualize a God, the way, you know, some people visualize a mate with a flowing robe and a long beard and floating in the clouds up in heaven up above.

what would the physical rendition of God look like to you? Not philosophical, but physical. I would answer that question by saying your question is heretical and you would be thrown out of a Muslim mosque and you would be thrown out of a Hebrew temple. Why? Because Yahweh and Allah, even to say Yahweh around the very religiously observant Jews

or to say, or to, that's why in a mosque. So they don't like you talking about Star Wars characters? Well, in a mosque, you would never have a picture of a saint on the wall because that would be to suggest that you're giving the divine some kind of form that you yourself can conceive of. How dare you with your lonely human brain? Wait, hear me out. Because what if my conception of God is something that God himself, I believe, created?

See, my perception of God is nature. when I see trees, when I'm out canoeing down a lake. Is that God or a manifestation of God? I perceive that. You get a feeling that you are part of something much bigger than yourself, but I don't know if that's an image of God. I don't know. The Buddha said,

the spirit of God dwells within the nature to me. And so since I believe God is more of a spirit than an actual physical, visual thing. Omipresent. Yeah, so that's where I interpret God to be, I think of trees and nature and lake. and mountains. Is that all right? Yes, all right, but you're going to hell. I'm going to hell for that.

No, but like, so I think with the Buddha, for example, the idea behind Enlightenment was that it was something you had to experience. You could not explain it. The very nature of being a mystic is that you have to, you have to experience that which you cannot measure, that which you cannot explain. But if you're in nature, can you explain the flight of a bird, the eye socket of a squirrel?

the cry of a moose, it's unexplainable. It is. This is why the Native Americans are people who are indigenous to their land. Their mythology was wrapped up in their land. And the greatest, the crisis for the Native Americans was when their buffalo, I'm speaking, especially of the Sioux Nation and stuff, when the Buffalo was killed and eradicated and all the other animals were eradicated. Weren't the Buffalo at one time, a lot of people don't know this, the Buffalo roamed across the Great Plains. Plains of North America, coast to coast in the way that zebras and wildebeest and Antelope Roman Africa, the planes of America. Yes, the planes of America looked at one point like the

Serengeti. Yeah, that's right. They looked like the Serengette. Antelope. Buffalo. Buffalo. All kinds of animals. This is what I... Wolves and fox and everything. Everything. And perfect harmony. As they laid the railroad, they shot the buffalo. They laced their body with strict nine. and all the other animals ate the meat and died too because there was an insatiable demand for fur and feathers across the Atlantic. And not only that, there was a bloodlust. I mean, these guys were riding on the trains

and just going, let's see how many I can shoot in the next four miles. They were just dropping them. That was for sport. There's a place in the prairies up in, I think it's Alberta, Canada. There's actually a town called Buffalo Head Smashed in. Wow. It's a real place. And what it is, it's a place that the Indians use to hunt buffalo.

And it's an optical illusion on the planes. So if you were coming at it, it would look like the planes are going forever just the way all the elevations are kind of put together. But what happens, if you keep going, there's actually a cliff. But it doesn't look like there's a cliff because it's just the grass growing. And so they used to chase like small herds of buffalo over. the cliff and then the Indians would be waiting at the bottom and killed them. But they harvested them for, but isn't that a cool name for a town? Buffalo smashed head in.

Buffalo had smashed in. Buffalo head smashed in. Something like that. I'll pull it up and put it up right here because I can tell by your piss smoldering eyes, you don't believe me. I think you're fudging the name. But I like it. Buffalo run over the cliff.

I think the Mongols did something. The Mongols did something similar. I think I said, Buffalo head smashed in. You keep kind of twisting it. No, because it should be twisted. Well. Yeah. Yeah.

But the Native Americans, do you know where they got horses from? Where's a horse indigenous, too, Arlen? Well, give me a second. You can't use a carrot to jog your memory. That's not fair. Can I just get a second guy? No. I know what you're going to do.

You know I'm going to answer you with a crunch instead of real... Well... Don't do it. Okay. That's the correct answer. That is the correct answer. Because that's horse for the gobi desert. The steps of Mongolia.

Yeah. Go ahead and spit that out. strong did you ever play a reed instrument if not you should have no thanks i'm straight do you play an instrument yeah i play piano a little i tickled the ivories a little what piano you get a d you have any more questions for me i mean what are you curious about in life that i can shed fucking light on bro Are you religious? I'm like you.

I believe in a higher force. I believe in God. And it's not just a belief. The reason I say, you know, sometimes I'll say that on a podcast and people write in the comments. Oh, what an idiot. This was going really good until you said you believed in God.

Yeah, I know. But what you're missing is sometimes it's not a choice. With me, God isn't, oh, I've read the Bible, and my parents introduced me to religion, and I'm part of a community where there's church, searches. To me, it's a feeling. It's in my spirit, right? It's something that had I never even heard the word religion, if I was born in the forest and raised by wolves, which I might have been, I still believe this feeling, this spirit would encompass me and fill me up. And I wouldn't know

what it is, but I, as a person living without any other contact with humanity, would sit there at and commune with this higher force that I feel was reaching to me. Think about this. Yeah. You know, everybody seems to have a nostalgia or an understanding of what's right and what's wrong. Right. Yeah. Everyone essentially knows the difference, or at least, and here's my proof of that.

Okay. Take a group of people that does something really bad. Let's take the most extreme example, the Nazis. Yeah, yeah. Okay. if you look at what the Nazis were doing to the Jews, the gypsies, the gay people, whoever it is, or just what they would consider the Mongol race, right? Yeah.

Even the Nazis, in their final solution, their horrible, twisted way of doing things, if you were to speak to them, they would try to justify it under their twisted moral guidelines. Right. They had to invent a philosophy, a racial philosophy, whatever it was, Hitler. especially, to make it okay, which is so crazy, right? So even the worst human beings, in their minds, justified it to people by saying, hey, we're here to solve a problem. Right.

Right. The Mongols, Ganga, Kahn, whoever it was who said, we're here to purify the world, make the world a better place, et cetera, which is why it's so fucking important to realize that the ends do not justify the means. You have to have guidelines. That's where religion comes in. That's where the notion of life is sacred, or we are all connected, or we are all brothers and sisters, whether you're Jewish or Muslim or Christian or atheists.

You have to have boundaries. You have to look at human life as sacred, because if you don't, then you will find ways to fudge that data and get rid of these people over here because they're in the way and they're causing a problem for the rest of us, et cetera. which is how people have always justified horrific atrocity. So if you just use math and logic and rationality, you can math, logic, and rationalize your way into some pretty awful shit like getting rid of all people

who are profoundly mentally handicapped. People who suffer from some kind of a spinal condition at birth, so they're in a wheelchair. You know, you can say things like, well, they're a drain on resources, and we need those resources for our gifted, straight-back, broad-chested kids. This is what was used with the Nazis and the Romans,

and by the way, the Greeks, and was advocated for it in Plato's Republic, which is a fascist fucking book. So religion found its, at least Christianity, and I'm not a Christian, but Christianity found its, it's roots in Roman soil. And Roman soil was strictly philosophical

and might makes right. It was Nietzschean. I'm fucking so deep. No, it's interesting because all these things you're saying, it's pulling man into the mix, right? It's man built the churches, man built these philosophies, man built these evils you're talking about. But here's where I go back to what you said about the indigenous people.

and in particular, let's say, the aboriginals in Australia, they went the other way and projected spirit and religion out into what I was saying, the land, the nature, and they found spirit in a rock. It gives you more respect for the land. Right. And people. It makes you one with the land, not the overlord of the land. Right.

And people here would never look at a rock and go, oh, that rock has spirit in it. But they did. They saw spirit in the rocks, in the crows, in the birds, in the water, in their dew drops. And I don't know, I just... But it's an interesting thing you're saying because the Judeo-Christian ethic, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam,

which has an untold influence for whatever reason. It just was the... It was sort of where a lot of the... They were mostly the winners of history militarily, so they were able to impose there. But if you think about where the Judeo-Christian, especially Judaism came from, it came from,

the sun-baked... arid land of the Sinai of the Egyptian and the of the Egyptian desert, the Jordanian desert of that area was a very arid part of the world. You had to live off your sheep. You couldn't grow anything. There was no water. Yeah. So it's interesting that the land wasn't exactly your best friend. That's true. The Israelites complained about being stung by fucking nettles, having no water, no food, and being bitten by snakes that's what the desert has to offer so they had to figure out where god they put god in the

sky they weren't putting god out here in fact they complained to god and said hey you got us in the fucking desert for 40 years and i'm getting stung by snakes and insects and i'm starving and i'm fucking thirsty and you said nettles i said nettles wasn't that the family that owned the grocery store and little house on the prairie maybe but i've only used nettles one of the time in my life I saw you slip that in. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. Do we want to take that one out? I need to stop getting into these things that go on for, I tend to be long-winded, and I think people go, this guy's talking too much. Well, would you like a carrot and maybe? Like a fresh donut. What's the best donut? Sidecar.

They make them every hour. Get that thing away. Get that cheap. mostly plastic donut that's a donut you see in a museum and you go that looks so real that's the donut you see in Madam Sousseau's

Wax Museum sorry covered a lot of ground today yeah I'm going to be in North Carolina at the Comedy Zone November 10, 11, 12 if you guys want to laugh

I'm one of the best comics you are one of the top thousand comics in the country i'd put you even up in the top 10 all right well that's coming from harlem williams one of the best comics ever you know we talked about you being one of the best ever who did we did on my podcast oh well i think you're one of the best well no but you're you're truly um thank you yeah go to bryancallon dot com for my dates uh that doesn't matter no no you you you did something i've never seen anybody do before you i've told the story six of us did stand up everybody was a headliner and now

then you got up in front of everybody and you did all of our acts back to us but you did a collage of it and I've never seen anything like it and destroyed the room so hard and that's when I said there's there's Brian Callant and Steve Byrne and everybody else and then there's Harlan Williams oh man thank you well Brendan Chob hadn't seen you and he came back and he goes Harlan Williams is a monster and I go yeah dude yeah wait when did this happen like you can put harlo williams up against anyone on the planet ever and that's a fact it's not a it's just a fact it's just a fact it's just a fact when you did when when when when the fucking swine flu was there and you started coughing and then and then you sounded like a pig and you're like i got the

bacon lung yeah keep going to let you finish crunching yeah that's what it sounds like when he's crushing it sounds like he's chewing celery if you hear that in your town you know that harlan williams is in some comedy club somewhere it's a lot of juice that's a lot of fucking juice bro we got nothing done all right Tell the folks about your podcast, your tour dates, your website, all your stuff. My special just dropped. Please. On YouTube, man tears.

Wow. And Rogan called me and said, have you seen this, the comments? And I said, I don't read comments because I don't want my feelings to be hurt. And he said, all the comments are kind of amazing. Wow. And I found that it's almost up to 500,000 views. When did it come out? A minute ago, one, exactly one in 60 seconds.

A little while ago, but it just dropped. Good, good. Man tears on YouTube, free of charge. Yeah. And then Brian Callan.com for my dates, I'm going to be, you know where I'm going to be? I'm going to be in North Carolina at the Comedy Zone. And then I'm going to be at the Addison Improv in Texas. Nice.

And then I'm going to be in Naples at Off the Hook Comedy Club, December 1, 2, 3, and 4. Have you been? No. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I have. And then I'm going to Nyack. Have you been back Comedy Club Livety Live? I'm more of a canoe guy.

Okay. Okay. Good. Yeah. All right. So that's where you can get. me. Wow, buddy. And tell them about your podcast, please. I just started my own pocket. I got a fighter and the kid. I got Conspiracy Social Club on Rock Finn with Sam Tripoli, where he comes

up with conspiracy theories, and I debunk them. And then I started the Brian Callan show, which you're going to be a guest on soon. I am. Yeah. But you're not bringing celery and you're not bringing fucking carrots. What about chips? Nacho chips. No, poker chips, though. There it is. All right, before we go, Yeah. We do this with every guest. I think you'll enjoy this. It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe, Brian.

Yeah. And in this authentic Dutch clog, there are words. And we ask you to reach in, read the word, and if it inspires a story or a memory, share it with our audience before we go. Words from a wooden shoe. What do we got? Rejected. Ooh.

This might be the one word for my entire career. Hmm? Well, I did okay in my career. Great. But for the most part, I spent a lot of time being rejected. I got about seven yeses and over a thousand noes in this town. And somebody said, you were successful. I was doing a TV show, podcast, and everything.

Yeah. And they said, what are your secrets? And I was 50 at the time. Maybe I was 53. Yeah. And I said, my secret, a formula for success in Hollywood, sit in traffic for your 20s, your 30s, and your 40s, hearing the word no over and over again, constantly being rejected. Right. And they never give you a reason why, but the real reason is you're not good enough.

And then you get seven yeses. But if you keep showing up, after a while, they forget that you're one of the rejected. But just to understand, anybody you admire who's accomplished great things has spent more time being rejected than accepted. Yeah, that's true. So if you're sad about it, don't be a fucking bitch. Suck it up. Keep going because the dawn is always right before the darkest hour. Yeah.

Yeah, I got a lot of fucking, I don't even know if that's true, but it sounds good. Well, what I'm going to say to that is, yes, you do keep showing up and eventually you'll probably open some doors. Yeah. But you, Mr. Brian, honestly are one of the true funniest guys doing this stuff. Thank you, buddy. You may have shown up, but you have incredible funny gifts, and that's what really did it.

Thank you, my friend. That rejection hurts. We all get it. I mean, even, you know, the best. The best of the best were rejected until they weren't. Yep. But you got the goods, buddy. I appreciate that.

I'm not wearing pants right now. Have you got the Speedo? Yeah. It's going to look good. All right. Well, I appreciate that. Well, just one. Okay.

If you want to take the glory hole home and have a little fun with it later. That's what I was going to ask you about. And I want to wear this wooden clock and stand on one leg just for discipline. Just be careful. You don't get a sprinkle in the urethra. No, I won't. I'm going to stand on that foot. fucking one foot in that clock until I get a varicose vein.

That's what I'm into, Cowboy. Okay. And when you're done, bury it and biodegrade it and we'll call it a day. Sounds good. God bless you. God bless the Harlan Highway podcast. Thanks for being here, Guy. Thank you, Wolfies.

Do you want to hear the theme music and put your cans on as we go out? Yep. This is what I play as I was walking out of a house after committing slaughtered. That's why your eyes are so good. Why your skin's got that beautiful orange hue to it. Because he's the tangerine man. He's the tangerine man.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan... Callan, dude. Callan. That's it for today. Thank you for being here. And until next time, everybody. Chicken chowmaine, baby. Shh, I'm not finished.

Chicken chowmaine, baby. Oh, no, what happened? Your alarm did go off. I heard it. Yeah, do it right here. We won't listen. Turning the cameras off. We won't hear a word of your.

Private business call. Oh! I think I just cracked my Envisaline, bro.