The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #36 -JADE CAPPA - PRETA, Comedian, Actress

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

Comedian JADE CAPPA - PRETA is here to discuss wild hotel room madness, comedy hate mail, and rocking in Beirut! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, now close up on this. I take it all back. What the fuck was that inchworm coming out of your mouth? You could hear it. You could hear it in the mind too. Dude, I can see it as like a sea cucumber having a fucking underwater bubble fart. That's just my tongue. I should show that again.

What is it? Slow mo it up. It's a brave new world. It looks like Aladdin's carpet flying through space except it's made of meat. Yeah, that's, I've gotten that a lot. God, that looks like a joke. Oh, come on. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Hardland Williams. Ready? Yeah. You sure? Doesn't look like you're ready. Yeah. You're not texting me, are you?

Yeah. But I'm right here. I know. I'm just really uncomfortable with eye contact. So you, do you want me to text you the questions? Yeah, text me back. God, freakaholic. Do you ever text someone and you see them holding their phone as a joke and then they don't text you back and you see them ignore it in real time?

No. No, me too. You do, though. You already admitted it. All right, ready? Yeah. Oh, here we are. Are you going to play airdrums?

We're like the Partridge family. Oh my God. Here we are, folks. We're on the Harland Highway podcast. And special super duper guest, comedian, actress, TV personality, Jade and Catacrapra. How do I? Capra, Catamaran, Catwoman, Jade, Catwoman, Jade, coconut cream pie. How do I say your name?

My close friends call me Jade can of pretzels, but, um, Jay, but Jade Catapreda is the way you say. Catapreda. But there's a dash in the middle, right? Is it a hyphen or a dash? I think it's, those are the same things. They are?

I haven't just like a fancy. It's like saying aunt instead of saying aunt. Yeah. You know, people really freak out and I go hyphen and then I have to go dash if they don't know it. You should just say it's Jade, catta, dash, Preta. Oh, that, okay. Yeah. Because you know how William H. Macy says William H. Macy?

No one in Hollywood says the dash. That's so true. I guess you'll be so hip. This is so, this is good Hollywood. Right? Like banter stuff. I need to know this stuff. No one would ever forget your name.

Like jade dash, kata, dash. Wait, I put too many dashes in there. That's my Venmo though. Yeah, now you're a phone number. Yeah. Do it just the one dash. Jade Kada dash Preta. I don't know.

It doesn't really have a ring when I say. I feel like you have to announce me everywhere I go. Jada, Kada dash. See, and everyone wants to say Jada too because it rhymes with the cat. Oh, yeah. But it's not. It also sounds like a sexy, like brand of sailboat. Like, have you heard of a catamaran?

Of course. I just, when I hear your name, I pitch you just like drifting off into a sunset on a sparkling Mediterranean Sea. That's what my parents wanted. That's exactly what they wanted. That's why they named me that. They just wanted you gone. Yeah, gone on a boat by myself, just hair flying in the,

wind. Oh, God. Well, you are, you are the wild. Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. I'm happy to get on the road, baby. Yeah. Do you know you're the first female comedian on the show? I get that a lot. Yeah. Yeah, that's exciting. That wild? Yeah. It's pretty cool. I mean, there's going to be so many after me. So I really have to like set the bar high. You know, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. Because you're the wild child. Like I right out of the gate, I think what we have to do, we have to establish, because to me, you're the, you're the wild one. You're the wild dash one.

You're the wild one. And so what I want to do, we can do this back and forth. All right. I want to tell you what a night after, oh my God. I'm so sorry. It's my dad.

It's your dad. It doesn't he think you're out to see? He can feel that I'm on the road again. You're too close. I want to do a thing because you're the wild one. Okay. And you can do it to me after I do too. But I want to describe what it looks like when I wake up,

in the morning at a motel 6 or a red roof in with you, what do you look like? What does the room look like? And then you can do it to me if you want to. Okay. Go for it. But because Jade is the, Jade's one of the wildest girls I know. She's out of control wild. Like if you ever look at that little children's book where the wild things are, she's one of the creatures on that island. I had to sit for those photos forever while they were sketching. So here's what. So here's what I picture. I'm going to say red roof in in Bakersfield. I wake up in the morning, okay. You're on the, you're on the shitty red roof in bed. Okay. Carmel corn in your hair. Okay. Snorkel flippers on your feet. Oh, hate when I don't take those off before I get a bed. Yeah.

Your leopard print thong stretched over the lampshade. Oh, yeah, we've got to get it nude lighting, new lighting. Right. Then somehow from under the blankets, I don't know where the end of the cord is. It could be in you. It could not be in you.

But there's a cord coming out from under the blankets attached to an electric carving knife. And the carving knife is halfway through a glazed ham on the floor. Because we started it the night before, but we couldn't. I don't know. We don't know. This is just a night with you. Then in the bathroom, on the mirror, with a cat fondie, Sephora Midnight Star Splash lipstick.

Wow. So specific. Yeah. Sponsor? Red rum. Oh, right across the mirror. I do that. And then on the ceiling, a finger-painted mural in butterscotch sauce of David Lee Roth doing the splits from the jump rock video.

Wow. Wow. And then some green stuff on the pillow slip. I don't know what it is. Like pea soup. I don't know. It's pea soup or some of that slime from Nickelodeon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is how the room looks after a night with you at the Red Roof Inn. I hate when I sleep with plugs inside my butt. Is that where it is? I thought it might be in your butt. It's my most powerful hole. So I thought, wow. Yeah, I still have a lot of control, you know. Your butt's so powerful, you can run an electric carving knife.

Yeah, you could sharpen a pencil right up. You put it in there. Remember those electric sharpeners? Oh, yeah. That was me. Would people ever sharpen pencils in your butt? Yeah, all the time, yeah. Wow, have you ever had lead poisoning?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks like it. Yeah. It's tough when it goes through your butt. Wow. You probably have a bunch of shavings, like wooden shavings up inside you. No, I blow them right out. I keep it in.

I blow them right out. Wow. Yeah, but you've got to be careful because sometimes the pencils get really sharp. Yeah. But what a crazy night, fun night. That's a fun night. Now, if you want to, you can retort and tell me what a night looks like when you wake up with me in a room somewhere. It's pretty exciting.

We're in Germany, right? We just woke up. We're at a weird, like, boutique kind of hotel, right? What's it called? Because German hotels always have the funkiest name. Nay. It's the only German thing I could think of. Can you think of a single German word?

Like strudelfrosen or something? You know the place. That's the place. The strudelfrosen. Down on the Rhine River? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. By that tiny whorehouse we love because they have a great coffee. Yeah. And we wake up and there's a one of those heart-shaped tubs. You're passed out in the tub. I'm in the tub. No water. Baked beans though.

Full of big beans. It reeks in the room. But it's fun. What does it smell like? It smells like Mexican food, which is crazy because you cannot get good Mexican food in Germany. So I think we must have flown it there the night before. Wow.

You're naked, but you've got nipple clamps on. The kind that keeps your chips rolled up, you know, they're not too aggressive, just enough to keep the flavor in. Okay. And you're wearing a Dolly Parton wig. We don't know why. There's no beans on it somehow. It survived the bean.

Perfectly clean. Heartledge, yeah. For some reason, you also have fake nails on, I guess the night before I had given you like a manicure like really big ones like lee pressons no no like really well done wow yeah they're long french manicure or regular no there's a design i look really close up and i'm like what's that design tiny little pineapples i thought wow really on brand really on brand hello yeah um the room is in disarray yeah we filled it there's water up to our knees it's crazy oh titanic sex dolphins there's a dolphin not just any dolphin that dolphin that dolphin that dolphin that really

communicates with humans. That's really good. And I'm mad at the dolphin because there's water everywhere. You know what I mean? I don't want a wet room. What condition is it's blowhole in? The blowhole's intact, but the memories cannot be retained from that dolphin. Oh, and they say they're the second most intelligent creatures.

To what? Humans? Yeah. I disagree. I feel like monkeys are smarter. Yeah, you're right. Have you ever seen a dolphin vagina? not since the 70s but like they had bushes back then they were hairy yeah it looks so much like a real

really vagina yeah did when did you see that did put up a photo leave the comments below do you like dislike want to get into one wow um that's for you too um but yeah they uh they look really so much like a human vagina it's so wild like a pink wow yeah so did that does that have something to do with why the dolphin was in the room? You know, we don't remember how the dolphin got her in the room. But I think it's because we flew it in because we just wanted to have a good time. You know what I mean? And we heard that she's really good at karaoke and we love karaoke.

So we brought her in. Wow. We have celebrity rehab. It's playing on TV. What is it? Celebrity rehab. Oh, Celebrity Rehab is playing on the flat. Yeah, yeah.

We're watching that. We fell asleep watching that and then the maid knocks on the door and she goes, oh, all the water splashes out. The dolphin's freaking out. I have to put it in the baked bean. Oh, wow. Tub just to make it survive. What if it gets baked bean juice on its dolphin vagina?

You can never go back after that. You really are a changed dolphin after you get beans on your on your dolphin. Probably looks like lumber camp food. What the beans? Like the baked beans submerged in a dolphin vagina looks like something lumberjacks would sit down and eat. Yeah, it's a hearty dinner. Yeah, just the pink and the brown. Oh, look at that.

I just, an Australian guy. Oh, it's hearty dinner. Oh, look at that. Oh, look at that. Oh, fucking muffed down on that, eh? Oh, I love that. Oh, that's some fucking hearty vagina there, right? Oh, that's a fucking mammal that lives in the water, but it's an air breather.

I could never, ever, ever see myself in this situation, but here I am, you know? Wow. Yeah, so it was a pretty crazy night. Wow. both our stories are tales of woe are uh not woe but tales of blow maybe pretty yeah it feels like we got into some weird drugs wow but you got to be careful nowadays with these drugs because they kill you yeah that's right i don't want to do drugs to die people are dying yeah yeah just stick to good old mushrooms or other drugs that are white powder that are that is that what you're

doing you cramming the shrooms i like to microdose just take a tiny bit but only before i drive no way yeah do you do it every day no I'm not doing it right now, but I did do it for a whole month. What? How did it make you feel? Less depressed. But, I mean, did it take its toll like after doing it? No, you don't feel it like that.

It's not that big of a change. You just kind of feel like a little bit lighter in a mood. So let's say you're you and we're starting at a zero. And then you take a microdose, which is what is a pill or a stammer? It's like a tiny, literally this much of a mushroom. Okay. So you're taking the physical mushroom. Yeah.

And I'm going, because the more you bite, the more effective it is, you know? Oh, really? Yeah, because it breaks it down so you can digest it faster. So now you're popping from a zero up to a what, like in terms of just your mood? Yeah. I'd say it's really, we're only like a half a point or a point, but I'll take it. You know what I mean? It's like when you get a callback, ooh, it's not a job yet, but that's a little,

eat, maybe I'm going to eat in the right direction, a little kick of adrenaline. Or like one of your videos gets a million views. Oh. It's mostly guys who hate it, but you got the views. But what happens after that month of taking it? Does the little kick, do you need a little more to find the... No, I think your body starts to normalize and get used to the, like, it starts to create its own, you know, adrenaline and its own oxytocin, oxytocin, oxs, oxsacin, oxsss, oxsarsing.

Oxnard. Oh, I'll be there this weekend. Check it out. The weirdest segue plug ever. I'm glad we got all the lines out until we got to that, which is really what we needed to get to. That's all we were trying to do was plug. Her comedy show at the Oxnard.

Levity Live. Levity Live. What a roundabout way. Is that the least favorite part that you have selling tickets? Or do you just automatically sell tickets because you're a celebrity? It's both for everybody. It is. Well, if you're like the top, top guy, like you're in Louis C.

country or Bill Burr. I think you just say anything and it's sold out. But for everyone else, like, there's that top 1% that's just on the hot sheet and they can just sell, they could sell anything anywhere. I know. And then everyone else, it's a fight. It's 50, 50, it's 70, 30. It stresses me out.

I feel like I'm a sales. I'm trying to sell myself all the time. I don't get to have any fun. But you can't stress out because it's beyond your control. You could put up billboards. And if only 12 people show up, what else can you do? If you put nothing up and 50 people show up, it's tough. I got to just, it's my mentality that I have to change.

Yeah, you can let it get in your head because you can only do your best, do what you can, and whoever shows shows, and you just have to keep building it and hope for the best. Build it and it will come. It's like one of those quotes. If you build it, they will come. Then once they get there, you're going to really work harder for them to come. They can't just show up.

and come, what's making them come. Go the distance. Come. Wait, but what's come where? Am I coming? Am I going somewhere? Come all over the place. Okay.

Will there be people there? That's my question. I'm not just going to come. There's no audience. If it helped you come, they will come. God. Everything's just going to wrong way.

Someone's riding in their car listening to us going, life's not worth living anymore. I want to get on that boat and sail away. so back to our crazy night and you being the wild one part of this comes from everyone can look at your Instagram look at jade's Instagram do it and this this thing fascinated me because you had the cahonas to put it up there right at the beginning it says I'm jade I'm a purve and I love it right yeah yeah what does that mean tell me I just like perverted things whether it be like sexual or like funny and weird and absurd like i'm just pervy like i just want to see watch people do weird stuff

without them seeing me really yeah remember that Seinfeld episode where he that girl was naked all the time no well he dated this girl was naked all the time he thought it was the best but then he would see her do weird stuff like opening a jar pickles when you're naked and it's not as hot because you're like or like brushing your hair and i want i like those little weird vulnerable moments really and i feel pervy for liking them but i like them i like i don't know I like when people aren't noticing that you're watching them, but you're watching them. That's why I love reality TV. What would you say is the pervious thing you've ever seen?

Like, you know, as you said, observing people watching, whether they knew you were watching or they didn't know you were watching. Oh, interesting. I mean, I love, any time I check into a hotel, immediately I look out. And I'm like, what can I see from here? Really? But what have you seen that was like? I went to a sex party once.

Whoa, what was that like? It was at a hotel in West Hollywood. Yeah. Do you guys want the address? No, it was at a hotel. And I went with my castmates from a show that we just had a rap party. We showed up. Yeah.

It was these two sweets. And it was just like a bunch of people having sex. And then this just black guy with this huge dick walking around stretching. Stretching what? Like his legs and stuff. Like he was ready to get in there. Whoa. You can't really stretch.

That's the only thing. He was like, you know, stretching. I'm like, he's about to jump in. Wait, and people are just randomly having sex all around? Yeah, there's a big bed and people are having sex there. and then there's like a bathroom and some people were having sex there. How many people are we talking? The whole party was maybe like maybe 20 people.

But that's a small one. They have like big ones that it's like 100 people. So the question has to be asked. I'm doubting you just walked away without joining in. I made out with one girl. A girl. Yeah, I made out with one girl. I have a whole story.

It continues to be a crazy thing. But yeah, that's the pervious thing I've seen. I like just watch. It wasn't like a turn-on thing. I wasn't like, yeah, fuck yeah. It was just like, what? Like how are they? What?

It just sort of fascinated you? Yeah, I'm fascinated because it's like, we don't really get a rush beyond stand-up, right? Stand-up is this huge rush, but I think we become kind of numbed out to the amount of adrenaline we get. And so I'm constantly looking for things that are like intriguing and adrenaline building. Like, I love scuba diving, like stuff like that. Really? Yeah, because, you know, I always want to have control, right? That's why I do stand-up.

Right. Okay, that's interesting. Otherwise, I feel completely out of control. You couldn't control that. No, you can't. You suck hard. And so I don't know. I like feeling like a little out of control.

But to the point where your life's in danger? Because some people like to do like cliff jumping and jumping off into the ocean. I don't want to be dumb. I don't want to be like, well, idiot. So you don't get an adrenaline rush from like putting your life on the line. I can't die before. I have a second season of a show. Yeah, smart.

That would be crazy. You know what I mean? But what's, so you said you made out with a girl. Yeah. What's the story with girls? I think every girl I've ever met or dated, maybe not everyone, but I'd say about 80%, if somewhere along the relationship it comes up, so have you ever made out with a girl? Almost every goes, yeah, I've made out with a girl.

Yeah, because girls are soft and they don't smell bad. I mean, most of them. But is it something every girl wants to do? I think so. I think everybody's on a little bit of a gay spectrum, but whether they like to admit it or not. The girls do you mean. Yeah, men too. I think men too.

Really? Yeah, I see the way you look at. court sometimes. Cort's our buddy. He's like the most attractive. He's the hottest person ever. He's so handsome. All the girls and guys love court.

Everybody wants to fuck him. Yeah, court McCowan. You got a thing for him. And you know what's funny? He's so hot, but then he's got the funny, the ho-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

He's got this, like, gross laugh. Yeah. I always make fun of him because when he's on stage, he laughs, and then it makes me laugh like that. So it's just, It's a war of the goofies war of the goof laughs but see I I don't find in my experience that a lot of men that I know have the urge to kiss other men women are smarter but but what is it about women that that is it just is it just are curious is it a gay thing is it just for fun like it I think it's all of it and I don't think there's the same like societal like what I'm not gay like that like that thing where we feel like a little freer with her sexuality where we don't mind being labeled something if we kiss a girl versus men that there's a little bit of a you know social kind of

like so in your mind it's just hey kiss a girl make out with her i don't care if what your gender is that's i'm pansexual i'm like i like people for people so like whatever you are we'll make it work wow would you ever consider being peter pansexual and i put peter pan peanut butter all over your face and we make out? Is that doable? I guess there are some things I don't want to do and I just found out. I just don't really like stuff on my face. Well, so much for the purve thing. Well, we could do other weird stuff. I just don't like stuff on my face. What's the weirdest thing you've always wanted to do but have never. Peg a guy. Peg a guy. Yeah. I didn't even know what that term was until about a year ago. Yeah. I've never pegged a guy. And I don't know that I could do it. I would never

do it with my boyfriend because like I respect him, but I just want to do it to look some little slow. it. To kind of just disrespect them and use them. A little bit, just to feel what it's like. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50%

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Wow. I don't even want to, can you tell the folks what pegging is? I don't even want to say it. Of course I can. Hey guys. Hold on. Pegging. Verb or adjective.

How about just horrible? It's when a girl fucks a dude in the butt. How? You know, with a strap on. Or if she has a dick. Because nowadays it's like you don't even know who has what. And it's so excited. I'm into this weird point.

I talked about it the other down, Dr. Drew, jock pussy. Where it's females that are now male. Say it again. A woman used to be a woman. What did you call it? It's called Jacques Pussy. Isn't that a French, like, race car driver? Jacques Pouset?

Holy crap. Yeah, it's called Jacques Pussy. I want to see that guy get to the finish line. It's dudes that still have vaginas. They've transitioned from women to men, but not all the way, so they still have their vaginas. Hold on. I need to slow, because this gets so conjoined. So it's a guy who's a guy.

Who used to be a girl? Okay, so then let's back up. It's a girl. It's a girl originally, born female, okay? So she got a weaner put on. No, no, no, no wiener was put on. So she took testosterone and became male. Wait, you take a pill and you grow a weaner?

No wiener was grown. Well, then how does she become a male? All male, like she has no boobs. She has hair everywhere. She's all hairy, short hair, beard. Where do the boobs go? They shrink out when you take testosterone. Wait, you're telling me the boobs flattened right down.

Yeah, and some people have removed, they remove them. But what happens in the weaner zone? It's called top surgery. Their clit becomes like a tiny penis. Yeah, don't even ever say that again. Like a tiny one. Oh, God. And I love it.

I love it. Then they'll be like, then they'll be like getting their vagina eaten out and they're like a bro. So they're like, oh, yeah, bro. Oh, that feels good. Eat my pussy out. That feels so good, dude. Stop. Please stop.

Go to Oxnard. Wait, I don't even want to say this. You asked me. I don't want to say it again, but use what their clip becomes a weaner? It becomes like larger, yeah. Like how large? Are we talking a lake trout or are we talking like a guppy? We're talking like a little.

Like a little chick. Like a little fat chick. Well, that's not much bigger than a regular. No, it's not. It just becomes like almost like, you know, engorged. Engorged means that the right word? I'm eating. No, what does it mean when they become like big?

That's stupid. I don't know. Yeah, they get fat. So, wait. Pretty hot and tempting. So the concept is that the click gets bigger. I'm just going to show you. And then are they using the clit as a, as a.

No, they're just using it as a vagina. Like they're basically a girl from the waist down. I'm so confused. I know. I'm going to send it to you. Just so you have it in your inbox. You can show me a picture if you want. I'm so scared.

look at this. Why are you scared? See, why are, it seems like a mashup. Have you heard that term mashup? Yeah. It's, it's going to be like a pengyna. I love that.

Or a vat venus. Everybody, I just, I don't. Everybody makes fun of me because I still look at Porn Hub and everybody's like, porn hub. That's not that good. I'm worried, I'm going to see something that I can never forget. Maybe I should, I'm changing. I have a feeling it's going to, you ever see the Cyclops in the Sinbad movies?

I feel like I'm going to see the Cyclops. after he's been in a bar fight and his eye is all runny. You're not, actually, I feel like if you saw this, you'd be like, that's hot, but why are those girls' legs so hairy? All right. I'm actually going to have to put my glasses on it. Okay. This is going to be one of my biggest life regrets.

No way. What's it called what I'm about to look at? Jock Pussy. I told you already. Oh, yeah, Jacques Poussay, the winner of the third, Lamont's race-style driving. Please show me a Jacques Pouset. Okay, it's, it's taken. in forever this internet okay hold on here we go we're at porn hub oh god we talked about this

we can move on we can move on i think we we have to kind of follow through with this okay now i'm gonna look it up i never under you know because so much of porn is like visual stimulation right have you ever been tricked like you thought you were going out with a guy or a girl and it was the other thing? No, but once before I was like really comfortable with this stuff, I went on to date with a woman in San Francisco and when she showed up, she had like a full beard. Like she was transitioning into male. You went on a date at the circus? You can't say stuff like that anymore, Harlan. Wasn't that where the bearded woman lives? You're going to die. This is it. Oh, God. Okay, okay. Do I need an air sick? Hang on. Hang on. Give me. Okay, take a sip.

Oh. Okay. Let me see the jocks. What's it coming? Jock Poussay. Look at the redhead running here. See how it's to do. Oh my God. Hang on. I don't know why I'm into it. I think it's just because it's so weird.

It's not weird. It's like I just looked like I don't want to. Hey guys. Do you like Jock Pussy? Comment below. You know, I feel like. Like if a boat capsized, you know, 40 miles off the coast of Bermuda, and a bunch of bodies were semi-decomposed and mutilated by a giant sunfish or something,

and they washed up on the beach all intertwined and seaweed all over them and maybe little crabs. That's what it looks like. That's what my vagina looks like. I thought you were talking about my vagina the whole time. Whoa. Is yours a weird shape or a weird color? What do you mean? It's just perfect.

How? I look at it all the time and I go, you did good. How do you look at it though? In front of a mirror. But at what? Did you contort yourself or you just stand in front of it? Not just sitting in front. The front face is nothing.

You got to get in there. You got to get in. What makes it so perfect? It's just all the parts fit. It's not too meaty. You know, it's good. Oh, you're talking about the. Yeah.

It's so tight. It's so tight. Not as tight as my butt hole, but so tight. It's just, you know, it's just warm and inviting. Sounds like... And she's funny, too. Like the Lorax. Almost like the Lorax.

Fuzzy and sweet. Yeah. And then people come and cut down all the trees and use them for sweaters and everybody moved out. Your pussy's like a Dr. Seuss character. Should we give it a name? Yeah. Well, I like the Lorax.

That's kind of funny. What would be an original Dr. Seuss names for your Vajaj. Well, I do have a name for my name for my name. vagina already. What is it? Do you watch what we do in the shadows? What, the vampire movie? Yeah.

I've seen the movie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's an energy draining vampire and his name is Colin Farrell. Colin, Colin, Colin. Oh my God, what's his name? It's Colin something. Anyway, that's the name of my vagina, Colin. But what would be a Dr. Seuss name for?

I'm trying to think of Dr. Seuss. Sounds like a Dr. Seuss type of thing between your legs. The who? That's a band. No, the who's, remember, like, those whoville? Oh, the who's from whoville. Yeah. With the little kind of up, the pointy noses.

I feel like much, my, like my dog, Cheryl, my vagina would have a name like that, like Linda. Huh. Linda or Monica. Really simple. Yeah, they're easy to get along with, but then they're freaking the sheets. You know what I mean? I never met a Monica who didn't choke, you know? Wow.

Yeah. Well, I, look, I could, you have a sexuality. about you. You have, you're a spunky little wild one, as I said, right out of the gate. And I want to tell the gang a story. Jade and I went to Beirut of all places. Oh, that, we did. And we did stand-up comedy in Beirut. Okay. We had such a fun time. And by the way, can I just tell you, Jade and I, we were in this area with a few other comics, Jamie Kennedy from the Scream movies and a few others. And we were in this area down by the water. In the middle of the city where we were doing stand-up,

I think we did about four or five nights there. It was a really cool, weird experience. Amazing experience. And then cut to nine months later, do you remember half the city blew up? Yeah. And that was right where we were doing our stand-up. The guy that we met, who took us out on that yacht,

his house got blown up. Okay. Oh, El Baldo? Yeah. So here's what happened. So the area where we were doing our show completely like here, Not just an explosion like Hiroshima bomb. Yeah, all of its fun.

Someone had been storing thousands of tons of explosives in a warehouse down at the docks. Oh, I didn't know that that's how they did it. They've been planning it for a long time. No, no, I think it was an accident. But these idiots were storing ordinance in warehouses down by the dock thinking, oh, we'll just store them in the rickety, saltwater, stinky warehouse. And it literally leveled a whole portion of the, city right where we had been doing our shows nine months earlier.

Meanwhile, they're like, we hate women. It's like, well, you got other stuff. You got to pay attention to. So anyways, we're doing this show in Beirut. And the people that sponsored us over there, one of the girls knew some of the local people, including a local pretty prominent politician. This bald guy, young bald guy. So she pulled some strings and he took us out on his private yacht.

That's not how it happened. Oh. Do you not know how it actually happened? I thought she knew him. She knew him, but he wanted to take me out on a date. Oh, okay. On his yacht. Oh, just you.

Yeah, but I was uncomfortable going by myself. Oh, so you wrangled all of us. I said we should all go. This is the thing. Jade's got this, like, kind of hot sexual energy. Well, at the time, I was very single and like, and then remember how they asked us to make videos? Like, hey, come to the shows. Yeah.

So mine was like, I learned how to see. say, I forget what I said. I said. I was looking for a husband in Lebanese as a joke. I thought it'd be funny. No, I don't. I looked it up. Samir helped me,

everything. And then when I got to the hotel, there was flowers, people inviting me to their weddings. Wow. It was cool. And then, weird.

Even after the show, you saw, it was weird. Yeah, a lot of guys were just attracted to you. But it was a bizarre thing because I usually don't, because female comics never get chuckle fuckers. You guys always get like girls. That's a term, right?

I heard someone say that once, chuckle fuck. But we don't get them. Like rock stars get groupies. Yeah. I've heard that term comedians get chuckle fucks. Yeah. And this term was said by a girl that I knew. It wasn't said by another comic.

I remember this girl, we were hanging out once after a show. She's a chuckle fuck herself. Well, she said to me, she goes, I don't mind hanging out, but I'm not going to be your chuckle fuck. I'm like, what the hell are you talking about? Like, I was like, I was like totally offended. And I was like, it's like, I don't want to be with you. you've been with a whole bunch of comedians. Like, I'm just having a nice one-on-one moment with you.

There's definitely women like that. The fact that she said that made me go, what the hell is she talking about? But anyway, so now we're out on El Baldo's boat. Yeah. And this is like a prominent, like, Middle Eastern politician in a country that's been through a lot. And they're currently,

it was currently at during a election, like a super important election. And there was 19 people running for office. Yeah. And, like, from all different parties. Like, I didn't really understand what he did. Yeah. Yeah, he was like the minister of something.

But you knew if you had political cloud in Beirut, you could get away with a lot. Like, you were above the masses, right? Oh, yeah. So here we are. I didn't know you were the reason we got out on this boat. I'm sure it was because Samira too, but I like to think it was just me. Well, we got on this beautiful, like, yacht and they catered to it. And you're jumping around in your little thong bikini.

It was fun. Like, this guy's just. eyeing you up and down. I loved it. It was fun. And then... And they're all swimming in the ocean with their t-shirts on.

Yeah. We're just these like... Just these three white dudes with me on my date. Oh, I'm trying to find a fucking husband. Yeah. And then this guy was all googly eye for you. We motor around on the Mediterranean Sea. He only had lunch.

He only had time because he had a meeting like right after. He had to go to a political event. And then afterwards, he tried to get with you the rest of the weekend. Yeah. It was fun. But you never, you'd call, you phone me every day ago. No, we hooked up, we hooked up. Oh, you did?

Yeah, but I wasn't about to rod dog a politician, so things. What's that mean, raw dog? Fuck without a condom. You've ever heard that drive? Oh. I feel like I'm educating on a lot. You are. I thought you were very isolated.

I thought that was a snowboard move. The rod dog. Well, that's when you ski with no skis. No, you just do with your feet. No, no. What, what, where, where does rod dog come from? You're just rod dog in it. I think that's just a term I've always known.

Oh, so you, you wanted to hook up with them, but he didn't have any protection. Correct. So you wouldn't, you wouldn't. Wouldn't do it. Oh, wow. A politician in a different country? Mm-hmm. Come on.

Wow. Come on. You'd think a politician would have condoms like all the time because he's probably a bad politician, a corrupt politician, is using his power to get with whoever he can. I'm like, don't you have an assistant? Go get one. Yeah, you don't want to leave DNA or cause a baby. me to the airport.

Really? Yeah, I just was like, am I the first lady of Beirut now? Am I? Do you still talk to them? Every once in a while, like, we'll, well, WhatsApp each other. We still follow each other on Instagram. What slap each other is more like? Yeah, that was a crazy trip.

You know that I'm the first female comic to ever perform stand-up comedy in Beirut. Really? Yeah. That's kind of cool. Had anybody until we did that show. Yeah, and I remember. A lot of men were like kind of like, like just kind of mesmerized. I was kind of scared at first.

Yeah, there was one creepy guy with the beard. There was a guy that came every night and was really intense. He's like, I'm an artist and I want to paint you. And he was really. No, that guy was cool. No, you're mixing two people. Oh, geez, I lose track of all he was a man. There was a really nice guy who drew, he drew portraits of all of us.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He was like a really sweet kid. And then there was another creepy dude who showed up at all the shows. Yeah, there was a kid who drew like caricatures of all. Yeah, yeah. He was like some, I feel like he was like a cartoonist and then he did voices too. He was like an actor. Yeah, he hung around with us.

The whole thing was so different than I thought. That's what tripped me out. Like I thought it was going to be so much more third old country, but it just looked like Glendale Galleria. Honestly, that's what it looks, because we were going to all the nice places. So I was like, it was so nice. And also we got really good treatment. We got good treatment.

We got good treatment. They didn't get the same kind of. No, we were like five star hotel. Oh, yeah. And it was off seasons. It was empty, beautiful hotel. Just like. Yeah.

The one we were. Yeah, not the Red Roof Inn in Bakersfield, no, or the strudel floggin in Germany. No, no, no, no dolphins involved. That trip was amazing. And it was like such a, I don't know, it's just such a crazy time for me. I went to Beirut, then I went to Brazil, then I went to Japan, like really back to back. And it was cool. And that's when we met.

We met actually in Turkey. We met at the Turkish airport. I'm standing in the airport, and this place is a huge airport in Istanbul. And all of a sudden, this little girl walks up to me, goes, Hey, how are you doing? I'm like, who the hell was this? I didn't realize it was you. We'd never met.

We had never met. And then we just got along like gangbusters after that. That restaurant was so cool. The lobster one where we got to pick all our seafood. That was so cool. You go into a room and there's all this seafood fresh. They pick it up. Oh, right on the ocean.

We drove. It took about an hour and a half to get there. It was like an old castle. Gorgeous. But I want to go back to what you said about being the first female comedian in Beirut. Isn't it crazy? But I also know, we had a conversation recently, and this kind of hurt me a little bit.

You know, I didn't say anything about it, but we were driving around together. This was like a month ago. I'm scared. And you told me that you constantly get texts and social media blast from people saying really mean things about you being a female comedian. Oh, every day. Like, tell me, can you even read? read some of those?

Oh yeah, you want to see what my, my, my big, okay, so any video that gets over a million, I get probably 200, 300 comments that are that are negative. Oh yeah, maybe one that's good. Wait, just because your video's successful? I think that's what it is and I think it just evokes something in them that I think they feel out of control. When they see a woman that is outspoken and saying sexual things especially.

You don't say sexual things. Yeah. this one's only got a few views okay this one's got so these are comments from negative comments random just because you're a female or they hate my stand-up i mean it could be it's a combination of both it's not just because a let's see when that has like a good a good amount of comments that are mean let's see and i answered them by the way i'll sit oh this is a big thing too they'll put just a coffee mug as a reply, and that's like a universal thing for misogynists

that they don't like women, the little cough, because it's like when they're watching, they're just like sipping their coffee. Yeah, that's like, I didn't know what it was, but then I got an intern and she was like up with it. Is it decaf or is it caffeinated?

The coffee. It's decaf. They don't even get a rush from it. It's so mean. Okay. Thanks to the audience, because I didn't know when to laugh. that's I get a lot of those like that's a paid audience she paid the audience

I'm gonna try to get one with like a lot of comments I can just read these are people after a live stand-up show or or is this from you posting clips of you do stand-up why do women keep trying to do stand-up that's a that's a good one I'm trying to get one that's like a bunch in a row that are like all mean wow trying to create jokes about your insecurities so sad to watch like a balding male joking about his hair loss when everyone in the room feels so uncomfortable stop laughing at your own jokes please i'm just reading all the comments there's not any oh this one has 93 comments wow why is sex the only jokes women tell do women ever make joke that don't revolve around sex pov you're not funny she's still not funny

I bet she says this is just a bad clip, though. What? How is anybody laughing at this, let alone go see a woman for comedy? Anyone know a funny comedy? Anyone know a funny comic who's a woman? L-O-L. I don't get it. Where's the funny at?

Hitting on the audience. Find me a woman comedian who doesn't talk about sex, please. Where's the funny? How are people finding this funny? God, why is every woman comedian the exact same? Not funny at all, but thinks they are. for the love of God. Where is the joke, waiting for the joke?

These are all coming one after the other? Yeah, this video has two million views. If I wanted to see someone unfunny on stage, pretend to be a comedian with zero jokes, I would buy a Brendan Schwab comedy show ticket. Damn. This comedy's week. When does it get funny?

Women aren't funny. Women are coffee cup. All right. Enough. Now, I've got to ask you, how does that make you feel, though? I mean, obviously, I know it doesn't make you feel good,

but what's your, tell me what goes on? inside of you. It doesn't make me feel bad, but every once in a while, it catches me when I'm already feeling bad, and it doesn't make me feel better. Do you know what I mean? Like, not that I need to go online and go, oh, people like me. I can like myself now. But it's just exhausting because it feels like a bigger battle than just like trying to be funny.

Yeah. It feels like I have to change everybody's minds about like, I have to be the one representative for women. And it's like, why is it, why can't we just do the thing we're supposed, you know, we want to do? So that part gets like kind of exhausting. And then it makes me get in my head. about like, oh, that's why I'm not selling tickets because they hate me because I'm a woman.

And they hate my comedy, you know? So it's hard. It's hard. That's the hardest part. That's cruel. That's cruel. But not naming any other female comedians. Have you conversed with other women?

We all get it. We all get it. Everybody. Oh, yeah. All the girls. Every single woman. And it's so funny because you go to guys pages. Yeah.

And they'll have like a shitty joke they posted. And instead of being like, this is horrible. All men suck. It's like not that good, but keep on going, buddy. I know you can do it. It's like all encouraging. weirdly because not you know non males are more encouraging and motherly so like if we see something that we don't like we're never going to be like fuck you I want to rape you we'll be

like hey I get those by the way what oh yeah wish you were dead like stuff like that every day hundreds I have in I have an intern that her whole job is to just answer back to the comments I've never heard this before like I assumed everybody got good and bad comments I've never it's rare that I get a lit off this it's rare you're you get a good comment? Really rare. And oftentimes I think it's just them trying to get my attention. Yeah.

Because they'll know I answer back because I answer back because it helps the algorithm. Right, right. Because a video gets another view when they come back to see what I've said, right? Oh, look at you using their own hatred against them. That's what I'm doing. All I can do is gain from it, right? But it sucks, yeah, because I just want to like be liked and do what I do. And it's, it doesn't feel, it feels a little harder.

Can we both just look in our respective cameras and on the, count of three just say everybody please stop okay ready one two three everybody please stop I feel like you were going to say just stop and please yeah let's do it again okay we'll just say everybody please stop okay ready one two three everybody please stop oh you went with an american accent oh you did you want me to do British yeah okay one two three everybody just Please stop. Just stop. Just quit.

Just fucking knot it off. No more. I'll fucking put you through a fucking wall. You fucking fucking whanker. You falks, you wankers. I'll fucking put your grandmother's face in a fucking pudding is what I'll do. You leave this fucking little lady alone or stuff your fucking head in an oven. Fucking puff it up like a beef wellington and eat it with my fucking grandfather's fucking rotten teeth.

You fucking wanker. Yeah, well, he said. Yeah. I think we're through the door. I think we're getting somewhere. I feel better. Oh, you do? I feel worse.

Well, I should probably check if I have a, what is it, a dust stop? What's it called? A job stop? Steve Jobs. What's that thing? The French guy? Job per se. Let me see if I have a jock.

No, I'm still a man. Listen. Let me, let me. tell you something folks listening and you know this jade half the battle of doing stand-up comedy which is one of the hardest professions one of the hardest art forms to even dare take on is just getting up there and trying now starting on amateur night working your way up to doing 10 minutes to 20 minutes to half an hour to being promoted to getting an agent to what jade and any woman who's made it in the stand-up comedy industry, the hurdles and the climbing they've had to do,

and the men as well, it's extremely difficult and hard. So for all you naysayers and all you people who are mean and cruel, let's see you get up there and do two minutes of what these people do every night. And then if you want to throw stones and shoot arrows, go for it. But please, knock it off. It's just cruel. I'm honestly. I was, not aware of how mean that is. It's nonstop, too. And I try not to see it, but then you wake up and you see it and you're like, but it's fine.

I want to know some stuff about you. It's not fine. I got to do one more. Oh, okay. I'm so fucking worked up. Look, not at the fat off. If I see anyone write anything about this fucking little lady here, I'm going to come over with a fucking straight razor, shave you, shave you clean, and send you off

the vicas house if you know i mean okay now close up on this i take it all back what the fuck was that inchworm coming out of your mouth you could you could hear it you could hear it in the mind too it's like a sea cucumber having a fucking underwater bubble fart that's just my tongue to show that again what is slow mo it up oh god it's a brave new world it looks like aladdin's carpet flying through space except it's made of meat yeah that's i've gotten that a lot god that looks like a joe oh come on that looks like a jock la fleur or whatever what was his name a jock pussy do that last one that's jock puce that's what that thing looks like you know what this is that's what you're four years in college whatever you showed me on the phone like 20 minutes

ago yeah that's what it looked like jock pussy to show it oh god It looks like someone stripped the meat out of a conch shell, threw it into a hot dog, and puked on a manatee. It's like if you had one of those, what are these called? Hands? No, no, no, imagine this. Like, you put it down the steps. Oh, like a slinky, but a slinky made a hot dog meat.

Jesus, Jade. Yeah. That's me. That's what, you know, anytime there's a description for that, they call me in. You know, I think I might have to just. Are you going to clean your hands? No, I got to text you and just write, please stop doing mouth comedy. But that's all I got.

You're not good at it. It's startling. Stop the tongue comedy. There. Okay, I have a real question for you. Yeah. What was your first audition you ever had? My first audition.

Do you remember what it was for? For a movie or a commercial? Oh, that's more fun, right? Actually, my very first audition is the most bizarre story you've ever heard. I knew it. I don't know if you want to hear it. Is it bad? No, but it's bizarre.

Go for it. It's a little bit long, but if you want to hear it, I'm up in Toronto. Well, excuse me. No, I, no. What's your noise? You do the, oh, I. Wait, let's do it together as a team. I do the slurp and you do the noise, ready?

Wow. Wow, I'll buy a Sprite. All I can think of is get up, get up, get up, get up. Let's make love tonight. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, because you do it right. Those are the words? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was because you keep it tight.

Well, you do. You know that song, that's like a, uh, uh, No, no, no, no, no. Sufferidge City. Oh, yeah, David Bowie. I always thought it was Chocolate Cake City. Well, for fat people, it is. So my first audition,

here I am in Toronto. I'm just starting to get into comedy. At night, I'm doing amateur nights. I'm working in an office job during the day. Believe it or not, working for the police, of all things. That's another whole story. Do you have a little uniform? I'm not going to go into it.

I had to wear a blue police shirt, okay? You're taking me down these different roads. I had to wear an official blue, a blue police shirt. What's police? The police. Oh, police. Police, yeah. What did you think I was saying?

Police. Please. Like without a, oh. Oh, no. Police. Yeah. Like a tight little. For someone with a fucking C cucumber tongue, you should be able to enunciate.

I feel like you're missing the word the O in there. You just go police. You don't give the oath of respect that I deserve police. Well, maybe I don't have a tongue that looks like a Komodo dragon's fucking gum. Where do they think they get Popo from? You can't do that with your word, ploo, ploo, ploo. Jesus. So I'm working for the police.

They give me a police issue blue shirt. I have a buddy who silk screens. He does shirts. So one day I'm out visiting. He goes, hey, I just cut a new silk screen. It's the scene where Jack Nicholson is. Dicking his face through the door and the shining going, here's Johnny. Yeah.

And I said, oh, dude, put it on the back of my shirt. It was the shirt I was wearing at the time. Yeah. He puts Jack Nicholson and the shining on the back of my police shirt. Twice a day I had to drive down to police headquarters to deliver mail to the police commissioner, the chief of police. Wow. I walk into his office twice a day.

I walk in and when I'm walking out, he sees Jack Nicholson in the shining on the back of my police shirt. My boss gets a call before I get back to the office. He's almost fired because of that. So that's one story. The whole thing. So I'm working for the police and there's a cute girl who works on the ninth floor. I live on the 12th floor and I have to oversee the copy room and the mail and everything.

So this hot girl who's a model and an actress keeps coming up. We hit it off, right? She goes, hey, one day, why don't we call in sick and fly to Atlanta? City and gamble and go to the casinos and I'll dress up like Marilyn Monroe and you dress up like a movie star. Was it Cindy Crawford? Big fur coat. No, my friend Devon, Devon Green. And so we skip it. We call in sec. We go down to Atlantic City. It's like a, it's a Tuesday. We're there. We get on this cheap airline called Worldways Airline and they have a, you know, a package where you go down. So we're there. We're gambling. We get tired of gambling quickly. We're there. We get tired of gambling quickly.

We didn't know what we were doing. So we go to a little lounge. There's this empty lounge, and there's this guy named Sal Dupree, some kind of fat middle-aged guy with a beard singing, you know, Musgrat, Sally, must-grat, you know, doing all the cheesy hits. You know, like, ooh, I laughed during the rain. You know, he's doing, it was like as cheesy and as campy as it can get, right? We're sitting there clapping because we're in the entertainment industry,

like give the guy some love. Afterwards, he comes over. He goes, hey, I'm Sal DePree. I run an agency. I'm given a lecture in a month. Why don't you come down? So cut to, we're up in Canada.

It's snowing four feet deep. We drive all the way back down to like somewhere and I think it was in West Virginia or something in the snowstorm, in a car with a standard thing through the snow. In your Maryland Monroe outfit. We got back into the get up. Okay. We get there. They go, yeah, it's $80.

And we're like, but we're friends with Sal DePri and they're, yeah, who cares? It's $80. So we ended up not going. We drove all the way down. We drove all the way back. And then I get a call from Sal DePri goes, hey, you're a comedian, you're a funny guy. They're doing a Mike Tyson commercial audition in New York. Can you get there and go for the audition for the Mike Tyson Pepsi commercial?

And I go, I'm Canadian. Yeah, okay. Wait, did you want to act at all at this? point? You want to do comedy? Yeah, I was in stand-up and I thought, you know, let's do movies, let's do TV, let's do it. So now I get a plane ticket to go down to Manhattan. And I'm thinking, while I'm there during the day, I've got to think for four days, I took a bunch of my original artwork because I was illustrating children's books at the time. And I go, what? I'll go in, I'll make appointments at all the toy companies and all the publishers and I'll

go knock on doors. And it's crazy. So now I go down, I go for this audition for the Mike Tyson commercial. Yeah. I go in, it's a cattle call. There's all these people. I go in, somehow I get it. They call back Sal DePri's agency that I'm not even with. I just know this.

I didn't even know how the agency thing worked. Sal DePri goes, you've got the part. It's a lot of money. It's a national Mike Tyson. Back then, too. Pepsi commercial. Oh, yeah, it was for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Holy shit.

So I'm like, wow. Okay. So I'm down there. I brought my art portfolio bag. I had nowhere to sleep. I'm walking around. I ended up going to the 24-hour theater in Times Square. This is when Times Square was still a sleaze pool. I'm sleeping in the theater. I'm waking up. I watched the same movie eight times called, I think it was called Jack's Back with James Spader. It was a horror movie. A few times I woke up and literally saw cockroach walking across the chair. Oh, so now we're getting into it and they go, hey, when can you do this? They go, what's your social security number? And I go, I'm Canadian. I don't have a social security. And they go, oh, my God, you don't know. So now Sal Dupree, I can't do the commercial because I'm a Canadian.

So Sal Dupree's assistant says, let's get married. She goes, on the phone, she goes, let's get married so you can get your green card. You can do the commercial. And I'm like, okay. What? This is insane. It's insane. It's insane. And then, of course, I went back. I went back for the thing. I had to fill it. And they go, where's your social security? I said, I don't have one. I have a Canadian one. And I wrote my Canadian, like, social. And they said, well, you can't do it. And then they tried and they tried. And I had to go back home. I was sleeping in the bushes. I eventually found a nunnery where I was able to get a room at a convent. And that was my very first. I didn't end up shooting the commercial.

but that was the first acting audition that I got and and it fell through the cracks because I'm Canadian. Wait. Also, this woman was willing to marry you to get the commission. That's how much money it was. I guess so. I didn't. You never make that money anymore. Yeah, back then. If you got a national commercial and it was when Mike Tyson was at his peak. Right. It was before he bit people. Yeah, it was before he bit people and it was crazy. But right away, you knew that you had something because you booked, you took, you took, All those people out. It was a cattle call. There's probably, what, 40, 50 people at least?

Oh, yeah, I couldn't. And you booked it. And I was totally, I'm just sitting there going, I'd never been in a casting office. I'd never done, I was just, like, totally, like, naive and it was so bizarre. But that's so wild. And you just got the stuff. And then after that, you got with this agency, or you, like, kind of understood. No, this guy was a nut.

I realized I couldn't do anything in the States until I went through the process. Of the visa. So now I had to, I had to get the visa. I had to get an immigration lawyer. I had to get sponsored to come here by an American, a legitimate American comedy management team. I had to go through all those steps. But you worried her.

Come on out. I know. Lisa. But the fact, I mean, it was just so weird. And I'd never been to New York. I'd never been to a city of that size, that magnitude. When is this? 80s? This was the early 80s.

Wow. It was overwhelming. I was sleeping in bushes. It was really scary. I was sleeping in movie theaters. I was walking around in the streets. It's amazing because I was fearless. I went in the phone booths, open the,

and I took meetings with three or four toy companies. I remember walking this guy with my little thing. I was sitting down with the presidents of toy companies, book publishers. It was bizarre. That's how I feel like I was when I first started. You just go for it. I just went for it. Like now there's social media and everyone's so like approachable.

They're unapproachable in a way because they can be reached. It's so hard to reach anyone that way. but like, I would just call, straight up call agencies and go, like, can I just come drop off my head. I would drop off my headshots almost on a daily basis to agencies. Good for you. And it just, it just, yeah, it's such, I remember, and I would meet, if I've met someone, I would take their credit card, take their photo, and I had a little notebook, this is blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, yeah. That's the fire you need. It is. And I was very academic about it. And I think that's what people miss about, they don't understand it's actually a business. Yeah. But I also feel very stuck constantly. Like I'm, now I'm in this kind of, like I've gotten to a level where it's just so concentrated and there's so many great people.

Yeah. And I don't know how to get out. I don't know what's next. I'm kind of in this kind of gearing up to figure out what's next kind of moment for myself. As frustrating as that is, it's also part of the creative and business challenge. It's like a chess game. It is. And it's frustrating when you get stuck in certain places.

but it's also really cool when you figure out how to maneuver past them and overcome them because you I'm trying yeah you were you were like like two years ago just became the host of Toxu like out of nowhere suddenly you got that it wasn't out of nowhere no but I mean like you you didn't necessarily were you pursuing it I was yeah yeah I was pursuing yeah yeah I was pursuing yeah I was pursuing E pretty aggressively trying to do a show with them and then I shot a pilot with that I did with Nick Cannon yeah And then from that, they hired me for the soup. And then now you're, just the soup. You're on to a new show now.

Yeah, I just did hoties on Hulu. Tell us what that's about and where they can see it. It's a hybrid dating cooking competition where we feed them spicy stuff every 15 minutes. It's hot ones meets next meets my stand-up. It's raunchy. It's funny. It's sexy. It's hot.

It's on Hulu. It's out right now. I don't think we got a second season, but I'm very excited anyway. Wow. Because after the soup, I was like feeling very lost because I scrubbed my personality. so intensely for that show to like fit the brand and doing whatever they wanted me to do obviously and then I kind of lost myself I didn't know how to like even put my hands or how to dress it was just did you regret that like losing yourself yeah yeah yeah because they wanted all my

butt stuff down out they wanted all the weed stuff down because they were just scared of you know they they had they're based on advertisements yeah they're scared of blowback yeah and so and I wasn't enough of a name or sure of myself to be like no this is who I am you hired me yeah everyone's like play nice second season second season you know and then when i didn't get the second season and it was so abrupt i was like why did i do that i could have at least like made it more my own but i just didn't know how to that's part of the curve man i you know i think every comedian actor creative person has that thing where they get these early gigs or they get those gigs and they're like i've got to fit their mold i've got to i've got to try and impress them i've got to make them feel like i'm the person

but you just got to plow through and be your own person. I know. It felt so good when Hotties came out. I was like, this is really me. Like these jokes are all mine. Like it's me and this other comic just being funny and whatever made us laugh made it onto the show.

And the experience was so cool. It made me feel so powerful. And then now I'm not getting it picked up. I'm like, oh, wow, it's more of a direct rejection because it's like it's the most me and they don't like it. And so that was hard.

That's okay, though, because you got to let it play out. Now it's on the air and maybe someone else sees and go, that's what we want. And you can't second guess yourself. You know, you look at any big select, like Prince, you know, Prince was Prince. And he wasn't trying to change anything. And Brad Pitt is Brad Pitt and Angelina. Like, you just got to present what you are and stand by it and know it's the best you can do as being yourself.

Who am I? Yeah. But it's hard because I was an actress for so long before I was a comic. So I was a bit of a chameleon, you know, and especially becoming, being an immigrant kid from Brazil to Virginia, I was really like constantly becoming who people wanted me to be versus like what I wanted to be. And I kind of don't even know. Now I'm like just figuring out who I am, like saying I'm a perv or saying like, hey, I'm sexual and that's what I'm comfortable with. That's a big step for me.

I wasn't always that. That's you. You're comfortable in your own skin. And I think when you start to now going forward throw that dash into your name. That's really going to make a difference, huh? Let me say it again? Jade Kata dash Preta. It's still not really normal.

I think you're on your way. I think I am. I think we found you. I just want to, I want to, you know, commercials now, you can only make 20 grand. That's the cap. They cap it at 20 grand. Everything's gone down. Everything.

Acting roles, commercial roles, they scaled everything down. Actors used to, you do a synobund commercial and make 80 grand for two days work. Now you'll make, you know, four grand. No, they cap it at 20 grand. Literally the new commercial contract, you cannot make more than 20 grand per commercial. even if the commercial makes more money. I remember I did a commercial for Michael Bay once, you know, the transformer guy. I did a big Nike commercial for him.

It was like, like, you know, I made a hundred grand off the thing for like two days work. Never. Yeah. What was your first gig that you booked? My first gig like, like, uh, like any kind of like acting. My first acting gig was when I moved to L.A. I got a guest starring spot. Ellen DeGeneres had a show before the Ellen show sitcom.

She had a sitcom called Ellen. Before she had the talk show called Ellen. But before she had the Ellen sitcom, she had another sitcom that lasted about two years called These Friends of Mine. And I think they scrubbed it because friends came out and it confused people. So I remember I went in for a casting call on These Friends of Mine. in the Ellen sitcom. And I remember I walked in and the lady goes,

how are you, Harlan? And I go, not too good. And she goes, what's wrong? I said, I hit a squirrel on the way over here and killed it. And she started laughing. And I just said it to mess with her, you know. Yeah. And so I got that role.

And me and Molly Shannon from Saturday Night Live with the two little guest stars on that week's episode. And then cut to later, me and Molly Shannon did a movie together called Superstar where I got to play her star. stud and made out with her and everything. And so that was my first acting gig on TV. And then the next acting audition I went, John Laracquette from Nightcourt had a show and a sitcom.

And I went into audition for that. And the feedback was to my agents, they said, you came in there and John looked at you and said, this kid doesn't want to be here. He wants his own sitcom. And then the next, the third, no, the next acting gig I got. on TV was the star of my own sitcom.

Stop it. I did a show called Simon. I was the star and Jason Bateman played my brother. Stop. Yeah, we did it not make it beyond a pilot? No, we did a whole season. Stop. Is it, can we find it?

Oh yeah, it's out there somewhere. So I'm looking it up. So I came in kicking and scream and I came in town. I was like, I'm going to rip this up, man. Do you feel like it's just so different now. Obviously, like, I miss going to the room like because I would do something. like a weird squirrel thing always or be like, hey, guys, I'm sweaty, but the character is and I just need you guys to, you know, like just a stupid thing to get them loosened up.

To make it your own. But now, even on a tape, I'll try to be funny. And then it just feels so gross. Just do it anyways. I go, what the F? Like if you try and conform like you said, it just, even if you get the gig, you go, I almost don't want it because you don't feel, you don't feel like it's, it's your creative juice. your, you want to bring your own touch and personality to something.

And if you try to just be white bread, it, it just, you don't even feel good about it. It's never going to work. All right, before we go, we do something with everybody, oh, let's do it backwards. I was going to do a gargle button. Oh. I remember that sound. Why? Oh, the red roof in.

Just before you fell asleep, you were gargible. What's in that little bowl in your lap? Come on. What is this? So this is a shoe. Oh, a shoe from Holland. This is a thing we do called words from a wooden shoe. And it is from Holland.

It's an authentic shoe. I wore this on the David Letterman show one night. You did? Yep. And what we do, we put words in here. You pick one out and just see if it evokes a memory or a story. I love this. And just reach and don't look and grab a random word and hold it up.

And what does it say? the word is car crash oh car crash any I do have it this is a little too on the nose but when I first moved to LA you crashed a car into somebody's nose yes

wow that is on the nose nose nose I had all my stuff packed in my car to move out of my dorms because Emerson has dorms here and I was going to give my friend a ride to the airport 5 in the morning right and then I went to pick him up

and then a Mexican lady ran red light and teaboned me and my car with all my shit in it like dishes everything wow i slammed into a sign and the sign fell in my car and i was stuck in the car what the sign say you're fucked you're never again welcome to l a what the sign say is that funny you showed up here you got a sitcom and i just fucking crashed my car i'm telling you even god hates women oh no and uh so i'm like and so i go i'm fucked up i'm stuck in the guy wait what did the sign say though it was It was like one of those, it was like a shopping center. So it was one of those that just had all the different signs on it.

Oh, like it had like a strip mall and it had all the like Starbucks, chicken wings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that thing like, that fell on you, breaks, falls on my car. I'm trapped. The sign is like this, the airbag. I'm just stuck in the car. With the airbag. With the airbag.

Wow. My friend didn't get a ride to the airport. So I'm literally thinking, oh, he's mad at me while it's happening. Did the airbag look like a dolphin vagina? No, just a regular. what. Okay. Does you have like a Tesla? That's what happens? I don't know. Elon wouldn't do that. And when the airbag comes out and then they took me out, whatever, I didn't break anything. It was like a miracle. I bruised both my ribs. Were your dishes broken? Everything's broken. They tow my car away because

it's totaled. Yeah. And then I go to get it like the next day to get all my stuff. Everything's been stolen. But it was all broken anyhow. Yeah, but not everything. Like, I'm talking about clothes. Oh, yeah. Soothcases. Everything, everything got stolen from my car. Wow.

Except one sleeve of CDs that I just threw away yesterday. I was like, I got to hold on to this. Yeah, they're traumatic. But yes, I wish it was a more fun story. Well,

having a strip mall sign land on you, that's huge. Not everyone gets that. You're lucky. You're lucky. You're lucky. And then my parents and I, you couldn't have dinner sitting at a table because I couldn't,

I couldn't really sit on a table at a chair because my ribs hurt so much. Right. So then that year we did little. Japanese-style dinner, we all sat cross-legged on the floor and had dinner like that or Christmas dinner. Did the sign fall on the table? Then the sign fell on the floor and yeah. Wow. That's a great story from a wooden, that's a great story. I love that story. Well, let's end on a positive note. Ladies and gentlemen, be supportive of the girls. Be supportive of Jade. Send her some beautiful, loving, uplifting comments. Let's get behind Jade and stop this

stupid negativity. It's not easy what we do and show some props for people who do it. Yeah, you dolphin, pussies. And you know what? I have an album coming out December 16th. Plug your social media. Plug everything. Jaded. My special is out on YouTube. You can watch it right now at Helium Comedy Studios and the album is coming out December 16. So if you pre-order now, I might come out on top just because there's no other albums coming out. And yeah, you can catch me live or anywhere at jade catapreda.com all my dates are on there all your stand-up comedy dates you're touring all over the country right yeah i have a few dates next year so i'm excited that's fantastic not too many because i burnt out yeah yeah i really burnt out you to do it at your own pace and you go get them

show them show them who's who and what's what no more negative stuff go and support jade and uh social media jade catapreda jade what jade dat jade cada dash preta jade jade cada dash preta jade bingo baby Do you want to end on a wrap? Oh, yeah, you like to sing. Yeah, so do you want to give me a beatbox? All right, you sing to me, but if it's not great, I'll cut it. Like, I'll edit it down real bad, so it better be good. I'm just going to do, I just have this wrap that I always do.

Okay, I'll do the, what kind of beat do you want? Okay, ready? Yeah. Just, okay. Half iced tea, ooh, half lemonade, citrus centers, that shit is great. ladies and gentlemen jade dash no jade cata dash preta harland what's your middle name oh is it a secret eugene is it eugene yeah is it mitchell harland mitchell williams everybody this has been harland's highway podcast see you on the

flip side i'll see at the red roof in baby bye that's it for now everybody Thanks for joining in today. Great time with Jade. We'll see you next time. And until then, chicken chamein, baby. Show me some more of those texts. Really? Those pictures of the French race car guy.

Yeah. It just opens straight to it. Yeah, that's what she said. Oh, God. Okay. Well, you asked for it. Take it away. Thank you.