The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #39 - ORNY ADAMS, Comedian, Podcaster

Episode Date: January 3, 2023

FUNNY MAN Orny Adams is here to talk about sexting, probing, and being a circus act. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody. Harland here on the Harland Highway podcast. Just want to let you know I have a stand-up comedy show in Phoenix, Arizona, January 20th to the 22nd at a great club right downtown called Stand Up Live. So get your tickets online at Harlan Williams.com for Phoenix, Arizona, January 20th to the 22nd. And we'll see you there. And now, without any further stop signs along the way, Let's get rolling right down the Harland Highway. Now tell me, why do you like getting deep into people? You like that personal- Oh, I love it. This is driving me nuts as conversation. Good, good, good. Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable. Good, that's what we want.

I want to go there. I want hiking Harlan. No, I want to know why. This isn't provocative to expose you. I'm just wondering, I know you enjoy like getting into the depths when you were with a friend or a family member. Sometimes even someone you don't know, you, you like to probe. Yes.

What is that about you? It seems like a negative connotation. I would say, yeah, I mean, I don't know how I like to. I like to really connect with people on a level. Yeah. And have a serious conversation. What does that provide for you, though, personally? Joy, tremendous joy.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harlem. Highway Show Harland Williams Oh yeah Mm-hmm Now that's right We're here

On the Harlan Highway Everybody And I'm getting crazy stairs From my guest He's been here before He was my very first guest He's back Orney Adams

Hey bud How you doing? How are you guy? Well this will serve as Proof. Yeah. If I get sick, this is the moment I contracted whatever. Oh, my voice.

Your voice, eyes. You've got glitter on your forehead from some evening out or something. There's like a piece of silver glitter. What's going on? Is there really? There is. It's like one piece of silver glitter, like right there. Why can't you just accept that I shine?

Yeah. Just in one little spot? They call me Johnny Lighthouse. Yeah. But yeah, I'm not sick at all. The guy's down at Chupendales. That's my stage name. Yeah, that's where the glitter comes from.

Well, Jan, that's where the lighthouse lives. Is that the closing number? They light you up? I light the room up, guy. But I'm not sick at all. Like, no, it's one of those things. No fever, no symptoms. I just got like a sore throat.

It sounds like you're going through puberty again. Well, I don't know why you'd say that. I think it sounds sexy. When it's time to change. You've got to rearrange. It's sexy if you're a woman. I don't know. I don't.

Really? Yeah. Tell me you're not attracted to me with this voice, bro. No, I'm not, unfortunately. I said, tell me. You son of a bit, you beat me. That's how I got a sore throat, by the way. Oh, great.

Great. Wow. Who did it better? You did. you you oh god you that was even better your whole head was going yeah i had a seizure do you have a bowl a bowl a bowl like a little like a bowl yeah what do you need a bowl for i don't need to tell you i just want i want a bowl i have everything under this desk it's like a magic desk what is this for my m and ms oh wow oh you couldn't just eat them out of the bag you need a like an m and m bowl no i think

that this looks just put that anywhere uh this looks more uh what the this is clashier it's one of those fun size packs there's only like four what do you need a bowl for there's actually there's about 12 i don't know about 20 they could fit in this bowl the palm of your hand that is that's excessive that's being a prima don if you ask me i'm sorry but this is i'm sorry lighthouse Hey, did you have a good Christmas? Christmas. I am Christmas. Were you on top of the tree yesterday?

I sparkle, bro. Were you like the angel out there? I sparkle. I sparkle. I sparkle. But, dude, let's get back to, I think this is very Clint Eastwoodish. Like, like, listen to this. I've got, I'm like a sexy truck driver.

Let's hear it. Well, I'm doing it. Like, my voice has a rasp to it. Go ahead. Make my mind. day. Yeah, but that's not the voice. That's a good clean.

Oh, do this. Say, he had it coming, Mr. Say that to me. He had it coming, mister. We all got it coming, kid. See, I couldn't do that unless I had strepacococlea or mononucleosis or SARS. Yes, you could. Or whatever's living in my esophagus.

Slum, glunk, sludge, shrek juice. You might have the new, the variant. The variant, that thing, snug the luffelof a glove, uh, Corona, Delta, uh, Heineken, Continental. Too soon. Hyniquin. Who's on the edge with the comedy? Heineken.

Yeah. Fairly know it can. So I'm sorry you're sick. I hope you feel better. Well, I'm not sick. You're not, you're not hearing me. Well, I have a sore throat, which is not saying I'm sick. Yeah, but you don't get a sore throat and you're healthy.

Like nobody's like, how do you feel? Feel great. Got a sore throat? and good. Yeah, but here's what, you know, I wish you'd remember this because it hurts a little. One of us at this table is a professional yodler, and one of us isn't. Oh, I wish I brought my yodel pickle. So I strain my throat constantly at my yodel classes, and you don't. So it's throat strain. It's not an illness. Somebody gave me, I assume it's a gag gift. It feels like something you would get at Spencer's in the mall. I know. Spencers is what? Spencers is like this.

store that had bizarre gifts and they gave me oh oh the neighbor made it seem very important that they connect with me yeah i thought it was like a legit gift like are you home i'm not home the next day you're home not home third day you're home yeah i'm home you're oh can i bring down the gift and it was a pickle that yodels you press a button and it yodels i think where i come from that's called a vibrator no it uh where do you come from Well, where do you yodel? I don't yodel. To me, it's...

Sounds like you do when you got the pickle going. It's the dumbest gift I think I've ever gotten. Don't knock it till you've yodeled it. Okay. Speaking of sleeping, which we hadn't been talking about at all, does Orney Adams, I want to know this, this is a real question. When you go to bed at night, whether it's before you get into the bed, or you're in the bed, sleeping, you wake up in the middle of,

Is there some little ritual? I'm fascinated with this because I was thinking about it for me the other night. Is there some little weird thing that you do in your bed? Like whether it's, if you have to flip the top blanket or position or is there anything weird? No, I mean, when you're younger, you do something. Like what? I think you know. But is he get older.

Oh, the yodling pickle. Got it. The yodol and l'u-l-l-l-l-oh. Yeah. No, I don't do anything. I just get into the bed. I put the TV on. I have to sleep with the TV.

Oh, see, there you go. Yeah, so the TV goes on, then the sleep timer on for 90 minutes, sometimes two hours. Whoa. Yeah, and then I fall asleep to crime shows, which I find relaxing. You find the passing of other human beings violently helps lull you to slumber. At this point of my life, yes. Yes. Wow, he froze.

Well, it's terror. I wish you held that longer because I was. Whoa. Wow. Wow. Something's gone. No, no, you just stay with it. Something. Wow. Something is really, I don't know what's going on. The producers, if somebody could come in, but I think someone stalled out on the Harlan Highway. Yodel, it'll snap me out of it. Your voice just went.

Wow. You're yodol. Yeah, I told you, if I get sick, we have proof of it. Yeah, you're not going to get sick. Let's get serious for once. No, why do you watch crime shows? I, like everybody else, I'm fascinated by crime. I can't believe.

Sounds like you're fascinated. Apparently, you're so fascinated they put your right to sleep. Well, I can't believe how many murders take place every single day. I thought murder was like a big deal. Like when I was a kid, it was like, that's a big deal. That's a murderer. No, I think, I think murder happens a lot more than you realize, than we all realize. But, Orney, is that the best way to-

50% of marriages? Why? I end in divorce. I'm sorry. Why do you want to, before you pass out of consciousness, on a day of your life, which is a gift, why is the final waking moments of your day engrossed with murder? Because that seems weird.

No, I think it's, they have really good voiceover. I think that's where it comes. They're like, and on this day, Bob didn't take the usual. route home. Like what Bob didn't? What? Yeah. I go,

this is a sleepy time. We're going to hear how Bob went. Okay. Bob went a different way. So he paid the price. Boom, boom, boom. So look what I just deduced. And this is why this podcast is so in depth.

You do not fall asleep to murder shows. Orney Adams falls asleep, drifts into the nether world to voiceovers. Yeah. It's the voiceovers, not. The murder. Right. If they could, if they could tell the news like that.

Yeah. It would be, you know. But don't they? And tomorrow, the weather will be different than it usually is. Bump, bum, bum. You just want the dramatic music. I just want a really good voice to tell the story of the news or whatever's happening or, you know what I mean? Hi, this is Casey K.

So, man, we're going to have light precipitation and fog. morning. Bum, bum, bum. That's what you want? Yeah, the traffic on the 101. It's darker, dirtier. It's more dangerous than it normally is. Stay home.

Bam, bum, bum. Oh, that went too long. Oh, you're going to hurt yourself. Well, when I go to sleep, I realized that sometimes when I'm asleep, and I, let's say, I wake up in my sleep. Yeah. I, for some reason, turn. over on my side, and I curl up into the fetal position.

And I'm aware that I'm going, oh, let me do the fetus thing. Really? So I'm laying in bed like a little lima bean. I'm curled up as if I'm in a kangaroos pouch or I'm in my back of my mother. Can I tell you what's really strange about this? What? Besides the fact that that's just strange. At least it's about the beginning of life and not the end.

I'm a fetus. You're at a crime scene with someone's throat. hanging open. Thank you. I've never thought of my male friends in how they sleep. It just I don't think about most people in how they sleep. You're telling me you've never looked at me and thought of me as a little bald fetus. No, in fact, I'll go this far. It actually upsets me when I'm on the phone with somebody to go, hey, can I call you back? I'm about to take a shower. Like if it's a dude, it's like, don't take me there. Yeah. Well, have you ever had a buddy you're talking to him and you're just, it sounds a little echoy, and then you hear and you, and

you realized he just dropped a turd? No, is that going on? Does your buddy still know how to mute? No, they know how to fucking dump is what they. I think that's your one friend. Rhyms with Rosie. Rhymes with clothes and glom. Yeah.

Yeah. Sounds like something he would do. Yeah, I mean, sounds like he would do. I would take, what was the thing you said? Someone, what were they doing when they were on the phone? What do you mean? I blanked out. I said dump, but you said,

something else. Mute it. No, what did you say? Someone was on the phone and you can hear them. Oh, he's going to take a shower. Yeah, showers. I would take a shower every day of the week over a guy dropping a giant brown trout back into the river.

Why do you have to tell me? I don't need to know any of this stuff. Just go, I got to get off the phone. Yeah. Well, dropping a dump will get you off the phone quick. When did this podcast become so, when did this podcast become so low low brow you're like now you're like a stephen tyler from aerosmith i'm not i'm not really happy with my camera angle over there what the hell's wrong with

your camera angle well i mean mine for some reason is shorter than yours so your angle makes you look skinnier and younger and mine's like straight on oh let me tell you yours isn't a camera angle it's a camera anal because you're an asshole do you think that's not very kind do you think you should position this might differently i just feel like this i'm gonna hang you upside down from the roof cirque de saleh oh do you want to hear that story do you know this story no now there's something on your tooth and i'm not kidding look straight into the camera no don't fix it is it sparkle like this you got you got it i'm so pissed it was you had a i think it was a saliva bubble no it wasn't it was like a it was like a piece of food or something you're the one eating

not me, sitting there with a bowl, a bowl of five M&Ms. All right, tell me your Cirque de Soleil story. Do you know the story? No. How would I know your Cirque de Soleil story? Who has a Cirque de Soleil story? I have one, by the way, I'll tell you after yours. I want to hear yours first, because that will give me confidence knowing that mine's better.

Yours is better. Mine is short and sweet. Let's hear it. I want to hear it. My cousin Kevin is in the bare naked ladies. We were all in Vegas years ago. Cirque de Soleil had a show called Oh, it was just a giant

Oh, and the band was there, I was there, and the owners, you know, they like to give bands and famous people things, so they gave the bare naked ladies free tickets to O, and I was there, so we all went, we had the prime seats in the center, and we were sitting there, and the show was called O, and every time they did one of their fabulous flips or a giant

breathtaking twirl, all six of us were sitting there and in unison we just went oh oh like we did it was so funny we did they know what you were doing no but the people around us were not happy we were doing it all through the show of oh we were doing the oh that's funny and i think that story is way better than yours so let's just move on yeah let's move on have an m and m yeah no what's your um your cirque de solace story did i tell you this no for the fifth time well because we do you do You, for the people they don't know, Harlan and I. Are you okay?

This is. Harlan and I, we hike together. Yeah. We're on the phone. We're very supportive friends. Yeah, we're bud. And it's not like this. Normally it's very, we should be who we are for a minute.

Let's try it from my story. Let's pretend like, yeah. How's it going, Orney? Any, uh, anything new? Did I tell you about Cirque de Soleil? No, what is it? Okay, I know, I know you were there once you saw. What was it, the O show?

Oh, yeah. The name of the show was, oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. And so you and Kevin were. Yeah, we sat there. We went, oh. Yeah.

I prefer this version of you. Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh. So I did Cirque de Soleil. I joined the cast for a week. Get out.

With a family. You can't even, you can do a somersault if I paid you. Here's the best part because I have the M&Ms in front of me. Backstage, all the circus people, the acrobats, they're all str-they put their legs up on this bar. By the way, but sort of a cut you up, but to call a Circta Solay person, circus people, that's what they call themselves. That's like calling a Chippendale's dancer, a stripper, okay? Easy guy. They've earned acrobat. No, no, no, they call themselves circus people. That's what they, so there's a bearded Circta Soleil lady. No, they, no, it's not, what about goat woman? What about

lizard boy? It's a different kind of circus. What about E.T. Smurf? Keep going. What else are you got? How about rubber bold face? Rubber face. Rubber face. I saw a rubber face. Do you know a rubber bold face?

Rubber bowl face? Bull face. All right. No, you got caught. Busted. Yeah, nice try. So they call themselves. They call themselves circus acts, which I'm surprised me because to us, that sounds derogatory.

Yeah. But they just said. that I know but I'm telling you they don't see it that way okay okay so I am doing stand of comedy which I backstage you're all stretching they got their legs up on this stretching like rubber boy every time I say stretching that's when you you it derails the entire story sorry you get into the stretching part haven't ever know yeah yeah uh did you see the screen grab Howie Mandel just put up would you just finish your No, I'm stuck on that.

No, I want to hear it. I can't focus. I just want to say this. Yes. When I do other people's podcasts, I notice that they may not use the best picture of me in the screen. So please. Well, can we assume is there a best picture of you? The other thing is I notice a lot of people release clips that is very favorable to them and their comedy in the moments.

So there's a lot of like, I won't be the high. I feel like I should be the highlight of the clip. If not necessarily, don't forget, you're supporting their podcast. And when they go on yours, they're supporting yours. Yeah, but I like to highlight them unless at some moment. Yeah, I try to split the different. I go for whatever's the funniest. If there's a funny clip and it's predominantly you and you get the punchline,

I'll put it out. But if it's me, I'll put it. I give my, my, what are they called? well that's not what they're called that's kind of a chinese word um i give my viewers yes what's the funniest what have you noticed but don't think about how how much it's you or the other person because that's that's a dangerous lane to get in you'll get obsessed what do your viewers enjoy most about this podcast uh i can't know that because i'm not them but based on comments i read i think they're just enjoying the overall presentation.

Definitely my eyes is a deep, deep connection with my eyes and my viewers. They say, I'm going to just use words. They've used searing, burning, hot heat, sizzling, mesmerizing, hypnotic, transient, golden Globus Award, falafel, and I think the best one, cat scratch fever. What? With tahini or without? Well, if you're going to make fun of my viewers, maybe this isn't the form for you. Just, you know.

Can we get the Cirque de Soleil story? What are glitter eyes? Well, okay. So I, I join the cast and I'm doing... Of Circta Soleil. Yes. Okay. Do you want to know which?

Can we just, before we get too deep into this, fan, you joined the cast. Yes. Weren't you just kind of hired to work in front of the cast? You don't even know how to do a cartwheel. How could you be part of the cast? If you listen to the story, you would understand that I'm part of this big closing number. It's a big, it's a big deal.

I stand correct. So now you're part of the cast. There's choreography. Okay. Let me ask you, how many times has there been choreography in your career? Well, why don't you call up electric thunder and tiny dancer down at Chippendales? They'll tell you. What's that?

What are you doing? This isn't a gym, bro. Are you doing reps? Checking the buoyancy. I thought you were doing like a set. Like reps. You are kind of buffed out. Show them your pipes, bro.

3% body fat. 2% milk. Can I tell you what I do at the gym, which I think. is really, I've been doing this for years. Sure, and then tell us the Cirque de Soleil story. Why don't you do five more stories and then we'll get to Cirque de Soleil that you brought up, by the way. But yeah, what happens at the gym guy?

I'll see on the other side of the gym, somebody that is just absolutely ripped. Like Apple Jacked? Just, just jacked. Power stumped. This is somebody that their entire life is the gym. It's all nutrition. And they just, they look unbelievable. Stack them deep and sell them cheap.

I'll look at them. I'll see them looking at me. Just across the way I just go like this. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes.

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Oh, no way. You're picking up dudes? I just go like that. Oh. I let them know. I go, that's the goal. Right. And then where do you guys go for dinner?

So it's funny to see the reaction because some of them really get it and some of them really laugh. I thought it was a day, like a courting thing. Like, hey, dude. No, you just wanted to see my guns. What does that say about you? Are you doing anything for dinner? I'd like, be nice of you. It took me to dinner one time.

And since our arms are already like this, we could do some square dancing after. Just, you know, we already got the lock in. twirl that partner round and round taking a Burger King and buy him some ground beef Shana, nah, nah, nah, no, no, good night, sweetheart. Now it's time to go. Oh, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo. To leave you, Bobby really must say.

Everybody. Oh, bo, bo, bo, bo, good night, sweetheart. Time to go. Boom, boom, boom. Remember that guy's, one second, Bowser! No, it was Michael Clark Duncan. The guy with the deep voice, the guy with the really deep voice. But he was Bowser, wasn't he?

I think the deep voice guy was Michael Clark Duncan. Take my hand, boss. That guy from the Green Mile? No, no, no, no. They got, boom, boom, boom, from Shanana. No, that was my, remember that? Take my hand boss. Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.

Good night, sweetheart. It's... He just sounded like an electric eel, having sex. In an electric fan. Are we going to take a commercial? What's going on? No, I want to hear the Cirque de Soleil story. Then let me finish it.

Okay, go. Go. How about I tell a story? Can I just sit there like a good little host and you react accordingly? Yes, sir. That's what I like. Yes, ma'am. So I joined the cast of Cirque de Soleil.

They call it the family. And I'm doing stand-up comedy in the middle of the show. So I'm going on after a woman hangs from the ceiling by her hair spinning at top speed. Like, it's scary to watch. It's scary to watch. Yeah. And these people, they're flipping and the acrobats and they're amazing. These guys are geniuses.

By the way, the most gracious, welcoming cast I've ever, you've done like television and film and there's always ego. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No ego. These people couldn't have been nice. Well, you know why there's no. ego because they're not threatened. They know that anyone else walking in can't do a upside down quadruple somersault backflip with a chainsaw while riding a rhinoceros backwards. That's right. So they're not threatened. I thought that until you hear what happens. There we go. So I'm supposed to

I do my time. You better get off on that time or you get a text message from the producer that night. Okay. So I did my time. The first night, I come out, I bow when I'm supposed to bow, the second night. The problem is I'm, I'm backstage, I'm side stage, uh, left. And I'm, a cab drives on the, on the, on the, on the stage. Oh my God. And the lead singer jumps on it, starts getting everybody to sing and dance and do this stuff. And the whole cast is on the stage.

Just is the finale. Why didn't he just get an Uber? Nobody gets a cab anymore. This is the finale. It's New York City. So it's the name of the show, if you had allowed me, indulge me to say earlier, is Matt Apple. This isn't O. This is Matt Apple.

So it's all about New York City. So they have a cab that represents. So the guy's up there. So he's supposed to be up there. He's singing. And then he'll look at me and he'll go. And at that, he jumps off the cab. And we run up stage.

The dancers are all part. Now, everybody, the entire cast is on the stage, flipping, twirling, doing all this stuff. And they part, the Red Sea parts. And Orney comes for his big moment, his big bow. Okay. it went right the first night and the second night the third night I thought well I've never seen I've never seen what they're doing before me so I'm going to stay downstairs because that's where

the green rooms were and watch it on the monitor until the cab comes out right so now I've never seen this before yeah so I'm watching it I see the cab coming out I'm like I better get upstairs I probably 30 seconds to run up the stairs well it took longer because all the acrobatts and dancers and singers they were all backstage like it's choreographed and And there's a lot of movement and crossing. And I'm trying to get around people. Yeah. I get to the side of the stage.

I see the singer moving up still. I go, shit. Ooh. I miss my cue. I'm going to get fired. So I'm like, I better run out. As I run out, I realize, Harlan, they're not parting. This is the wrong time.

Because I'd never seen what was going on before. I didn't realize the guy moves up stage first, does a whole thing. up there, then goes back and gets on the cat. So now I'm in the middle of the final day. And it's like Frogger. I'm like going like this. They're kicking. They're spinning like big athletic people.

Then the one girl goes this way. I go this way. And then so then I, she goes this way. Then we like two times went like this. I go around them. Now I finally, it was actually scary getting up there. It's like Cirque de Soleil pinball at this point. It was, yeah, right.

So I get to the front and all I'm thinking is I'm definitely fired. and everybody's going to be pissed off at me. I get to the front, here's the best part, I get to the front of the stage, they've all now retreated really fast. I'm alone at the front, which makes it even worse. So now I got,

and they're all dancing, so now I start dancing. I look like the Seattleist guy, like one of these like old people dancing, like off the, I get to the side of the stage, the producers there, she says,

you just made the blooper real. I said, please tell me we have this on film. She said, yeah, I go, you've got to get it to me. And then I had to, a few minutes later, I had to come out and bow. And when I was exiting, I almost ran into one of the, the, the juggler. Oh, yeah. The juggler looked pissed.

Oh, wow. But here's the thing. Not one cast member said anything. They thought it was really funny. Nobody, like, went to the producers and like, who's this guy? He's here for a week. He can't, you know, he's missing his cues. Like, they were really, really cool.

You're just lucky that mad juggler didn't, like, grab your balls and just start doing this. Well, here's the thing. Like, judge. I was juggling your balls. The final night, the juggler and the magician got into a big fight backstage, and the producer had to, like, separate them. Why didn't the magician just make the juggler disappear? Thank you.

Carlin, you are fast. Yeah. She's son of a bit. Wow. Wow. Dude, that's hilarious. Your story, your Circtus-Lay story is way better than mine. And so I have that on tape.

They gave it to me. and I'm you gotta put it out there they said I gotta get I think I have to ask for permission we'll have to see you know it reminds me of it's it's when you always see that footage of the the kindergarten plays yeah and and there's always the one kid that just wanders out dressed like a bird or something flies out and everyone all the other kids are like what what's he doing and he's so oblivious to it that was it was it was hilarious and I watched it over and over and it seems to happen very fast, but when I'm telling you in real time, it was slow motion, it was skip. Because you're sitting there going, I'm screwing up their closing number. Oh yeah, which is their

huge number. Huge number. And now when this guy can't come here because I'm there, so now they're all going to start bumping into each other. Oh my God. It's like domino's falling. Like for people who haven't seen Cirque de Soleil, the choreography and the mechanics of those shows is, is, there's nothing reaches the level of what they're doing. Somebody on a trapeze didn't like come down and knock me out or I didn't cause an accident. It's almost like you're in the middle of like a Spider-Man movie action scene where he's swinging around on buildings and fighting and you just got in the way and like a pendulum hit you or something. It was, I mean, they should actually do it every night because it was hilarious and bring out the idiot. Yeah.

And they allow, it's the final number so they say everybody in the audience, pull out your phones, record this. Oh, wow. So somebody has footage in the audience. that was in the audience that should release it. Yeah. But it's really embarrassing to come out and take a bow a second time. Because I sort of like, I think it's great. I think it's great.

What a great story. First of all, what average person who's not a circus athlete has the chance to even be on stage with those people? Yes. And then second, for you to be performing and then stumble into that kind of like blooper situation. That's hilarious. That's like a life story. It's, I think, yeah, I, I, I, I was such an honor to work with these people. And, you know, we do a lot of interesting things and we do a lot of shitty gakes too.

Yeah. Yeah. So this is kind of like, like, it's fun to, it's fun to say to people like, I just did, I just did, uh, I just did. I love it. It's coming out my nose. You need the bold of a few kid now? No, it's fun to like, people. People like, you know, like, oh, where were you last? It was in Spokane.

I'm like, oh, I was going Cirque de Soleil. Yeah. It's kind of a cool. By the way, parle of you French? No. Do you know what Cirque de Soleil means? Circus of the earth. No, Solet is son.

Son of the son. Son of a bitch. Yeah. So my, I just recorded an episode of my podcast, I called it Cirque du ornay. Oh, I love that. Cirque de Ornette. Cirque de Ornay. I told the story, but it wasn't as energized and fun because, you know, I do my podcast alone

sometimes, and it's hard to tell stories to yourself. Yeah, no, that was beautiful. And not only that, but your story will be magnified because it outed my story, like huge. Mine was a three, yours was like a 12. Well, I love it. The fact that you even have a Cirque du Soleil story. Isn't that weird? Isn't that fun?

Why is the do not capitalize? Cirque du sole laela look that's not for you to know do you speak French we a petit per yeah a petit bit a little bit yeah I can it's funny when I go

to France or Montreal or Quebec it comes back alarmingly fast because I grew up in Canada French was mandatory so we had to learn it and I have quite an extensive vocabulary in French I know a million French words and I have some grammar and can speak limited, but I went to Paris a few years

back and it was amazing how quickly I was like, man, I was ordering like breakfast and dinners and I always heard the French don't respect the Canadian French, the Quebeca, if I may. The Quebecua. Quebec French, it's like if you go to Germany. There's different accents on the German. In the North, it's different than it is in the South, or even in the U.S. It's like someone in Oregon doesn't speak the same way. A guy down to Mississippi does now, you know. So I don't know that they necessarily make fun of it. It's just, I think they can notice it. I don't think they sit there go, where are you from, French Canada, loser? You know, I don't think it's like antagonistic like that.

Yeah. But speaking of people flying through the air and tumbling, can we talk about something that I know has been kind of grinding your gears lately. Flies? What is the deal with flies and getting in the house? And we live in California, so we got to deal with flies all year long. I can tell you how long it's been bothering me. Yeah. Because we did that, remember I had that show premise called Do My Joke, where I would do my joke and then I'd hand you a video, or I'd hand you the written portion, then you do it in your style. And we did one about flies. Right. But sometimes people say expressions. hate hackney express i hate like people just say things and don't think about the me like so the other days if i was a fly on the wall you know people say that yeah i were all cutesy yeah we're sure i was

a fly on the wall for that one yeah like who would want to be a fly under any set of circumstances well what if a dog just took a giant giant shit you still don't want to be a fly i think you do i think you want to land they're stupid no i think you see a big rottweiler loaf hidden recording devices nowadays. You don't need to be a fly. Okay. You don't need to be a fly. Can you stick to a wall?

Flies are so dumb, Harlan. They're the dumbest species. How dumb are they when they can fly in Kim Kardashian's window and watch or take a shower? That don't sound dumb to me. They have no sexual attraction to Kim Kardashian. I'm not too sure why you would use that example. Well, any pretty girl. A fly goes into Anna Jolie.

and at Angelina Jolie's room and watches. Do you know anybody under 40, any references, any young people? How about your dad? Too soon. Too soon. Is it time for the eight balls? Shaking it up with Harlan William on the highway.

Here's the other thing about the fly. What? They're dumb. They'll fly into a window. Yeah. Ten seconds later, they'll forget it's a window. Yeah. And then they'll hit the window again.

They'll keep hitting the window. window. Yeah, but we open the door. We're like, come on, look at, there's the fresh. We couldn't make it more accommodating and easy for the fly to get out. And they, they don't, they missed the cues. So we're in this scenario, if I could be a fly on a wall, do you come back to being a human?

How do you come back? Is there some sort of like, hey, meet up over here and we're going to make you a human again? Well, you're a fly. You're too dumb to realize, oh, the meeting up points over there. So you're a fly for life. And flies have a shitty memory. So who's to say when you're a fly. They're so dumb.

They can't remember that that's, that's, that's, listen, hear me out. That's a window. They forget that's a window. How are they going to remember the conversation? Like, why not be an animal that has a memory? Why not be an elephant on the wall? In a minute, bro. You're dumping on these flies pretty hard.

First of all, to us humans, it's a window. To a fly, it's like, it's outside. And someone just put an invisible force shield in front of it. Not to a fly. That's what day card says. These the sky. D'Cardt said, window is a window.

No, to them, it's an invisible force shield, some mysterious power put up. No, because if it's a window, it's intrinsically a window. This is a desk. I don't care if a fly thinks this is an airport landing pad for the fly. It's a desk. No, because we look through a pane of glass

and we realize there's a pane of glass in front of us. When a fly looks through a pane of glass, it goes, oh, there's outside. This is bong. Okay, right. But it's still. Oh, my. goodness there's an invisible force shield it's still like humans what makes humans so great what makes

what's the difference between a pig and a human you're asking me okay i'm gonna tell you okay a human walks into a window yeah human goes that's a window they don't walk into the window again the pig will walk into the window over and over and that's what the fly does you're wrong a pig's fat it walks right through the window it's a pig it's a fat pig is there are those is that the TMZ helicopters what is that It could be, yeah. They can't hear it. I know. Do you know what that is and you just don't want to tell me?

There's a helicopter hovering over the office building. Is that my Uber? I think it's your taxi from Cirque to Soleil. Let's talk about what I'm really fired up about this. I want to help you. I want the fly argument. I want to, it's not an argument. Okay, you want it, but I'm going to help you with the flies because you have fly anger.

Mm-hmm. And if you want a way to kill them without, you know, slapping them with a fly-to-y-es fly swatter and worrying about your karma because you're killing a living creature. This is the humane way to kill a fly. This is what I do. Grab it. Mm-hmm. Pull all its legs off.

Let it go. Let it fly. It has no legs. It can't land. Eventually it has a heart attack and it kills itself. So then you didn't kill it. I didn't kill it. But you're the result of it.

I set it up for death. Legally, you killed a fly. Cleanly. And it just got exhausted because it couldn't land. If you're driving a car and you hit something. somebody. Which I will.

I will. Their spleen is damaged. Okay. And there's spleenage. Sounds like you hit them on purpose in a specific spot. And they don't die immediately. But six months later, they get some sort of infection from the spleen leaking. And they die from that.

You killed that person. You ripped out their legs. Yeah, but it wasn't messy. I killed them spleenly. Can I tell you something seriously? Because when I was a kid, they told us if you, saw a spider on the wall. Wait, you were a baby goat. And we're back. They said if there's a spider, you don't, don't kill the spider, you take it, you put in the toilet and flush it,

and the spider can hold its breath long enough to make it through the pipes onto the other end and have a happy life. Turns out that's not real. Yeah, because the other end is a sewage treatment plant like 40 miles away. Which they would love. Well, now they're underwatered. spiders, there is a couple of underwater spiders, but most can't breathe underwater. Turns out it's malarkey. Turns out, according to PETA, that if it's in your house, that's a house inside spider.

Inside spiders don't want to be outside ever. Peter says, capture the spider, put in a nice little box, drive it to the train station, and let it go. To a train station. And by the way, what the fuck does Peter know? How does he know any more than Larry or Billy?

Who is PETA? And why doesn't he have an R on the end of his name? I don't even drive my friends to the train station, let alone a spider that invaded my house. Why would you, why don't you throw it outside? It's an indoor spider, PETA, PETA. Does PETA have a last name? Peter.

Okay. That's how we say it in Boston. Peter. Get the frickin Pita over here. Peter wants me to drive the, here's the other thing. Do you think the people in the train station want our spiders running a muck? What, what am I missing here? I would take a spider and put it right up.

What aren't you missing? I'm putting it outside my door. Now I'm going to get my car, drive all the way to the train station, walk up to a train, here you go daddy long legs yeah goodbye have a great why wouldn't you just put them outside because they're indoor they will die indoor spiders cannot be outside they die this is according to pita what outdoor cats can go indoor cats can go outside species we can go indoors and outdoors too believe it or not i think a spider will be just fine if it's either it's indoor and outdoor yeah i ask the uh the viewers and listeners of uh the harland highway to

You can fact check that. All right. Well, listen, I know you said earlier you wanted to talk about something serious. You're a guy who I know as a friend. You like getting into deep conversation with people. You like dissecting the layers. You like to kind of turn people into lasagna and kind of, you like to hunker down. And why?

Why do you like that? I do too, Harlan. I do too, but why do you choose on your podcast to be this version of yourself, this deflecting, no, this is a version of Harlem when he's having fun. This is fun, Arlen. Now, what I'm going to demonstrate to you now is I can do the deep Harlan just as easily.

Well, I know. So I try to make this show entertaining for myself as well as my seven or eight viewers. And so I kind of like to do the roller coaster of fun and introspective and serious and silly. It seems to be working. Your numbers have gone way up, which is congratulations. Well, thank you.

Congratulations. I remember when I was the first guest, we were just getting, if you broke a thousand, you were excited. Now you're getting minimum 20,000. You're getting upwards of 100, 200,000 on some of these guests. Yeah. I think that's remarkable. Well, thanks to the folks watching and thanks to the guests who come on.

I spread the credit where it's due everywhere. Sep for indoor spiders. Fuck them. Sorry, outdoor spiders because they don't have TVs. They don't have internet. They're not watching. The indoor spiders are supporting me. No, no, they're not.

Those are the ones you're trying to get, the ones you're killing. The outdoor ones are to stay outdoors. Yeah, but they don't. Well, they don't watch the show because they don't. Thank God.

The Black Widow is an outdoor spider. Thank God. Black Widow Lives Matter, bro. Thank God is all I have to say. So you're doing, your podcast is doing great. Well, listen, yeah. But I wanted to talk to you.

I came on to congratulate you because as your first guest. Yeah. And your last guest of 20, 22, I assume, we're going to get this out. This is actually the first podcast of 2023. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Orney Adams, off to Cirque de Soleil to do some tumbling, to do some interrupt the show. Ruin it for the people who paid to see a perfectly choreographed show. Sorry. I thought it was the last guest of 2022. I thought we were going to wrap it up. No. I brought like a couple of,

I thought I was going to hand out the Harleys. You should be honored. You're the first guest. It's a new beginning guy. Oh, I had the first guest of 2023. But I should have been the last guest of 2020. I think that's sort of defamatory. The first guest is like empowering the new, the new year.

You're like that you're the lead sled dog. Maybe you can go get one of your eyes changed and turn into a husky and just you're the guy powering through the tundra, through the blizzard evading the polar ice caps. and polar bears and walruses with giant fucked up gopher teeth or whatever they have. What do they have? What I love is when you get on a rant, your left eye, like sort of closes.

Yeah, it's kind of like Clint Eastwood. Yeah, make my day. Yeah. It's very fucking giant gopher teeth. It's very calculated. Or whatever they have, yeah. Well, it's not just Circta Soleil that's calculated. Do you worry about the longevity of that eye?

Because I worry that like there's going to be. some sort of like extra bags under your eyes or i don't think of them as bags i think of them as weathered and they tell a story of a a life hard lived standing at the front of a boat crossing the caspian sea salt salty air in my face sun narwhals are wanting your face narwhals jumping in the air stabbing my face indoor spiders Now tell me, why do you like getting deep into people? You like that personal- Oh, I love it. This is driving me nuts as conversation.

Good, good. Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable. Good, that's what we want. I want hiking Harlan. No, I want to know why. This isn't provocative to expose you. I'm just wondering, I know you enjoy, like getting into the depths when you're with a friend or a family member. Sometimes even someone you don't know, you like to probe.

Yes. What is that about you? It seems like a negative connotation. I would say, yeah, I mean, I don't know how I like to. I like to really connect with people on a level. Yeah. And have a serious conversation. What does that provide for you, though, personally?

Joy, tremendous joy. Because what it tells me is we're all the same. We all have the same basic needs. And it validates many feelings I have for myself. And it also helps me to look at people. people and say, that person is so different than me, grew up so different than me, maybe even hates me for certain reasons, but yet we're getting along in this moment and we're connecting. So it's what I do with my stand-up. I show how we're more common than not, the commonality.

So it sounds like when you get deeper with people, it's a little bit therapeutic because it sounds like you're extracting little moments or samples from their life and connecting it to your existence. You're the exact same way. Are we all like that? No, but you are. Explain to me. I'd like, you hear this. I know because of. See, I haven't thought of it this deeply, so I'm glad I asked.

You absolutely are. You love to get into the mind. You love to break things down. You love to break situations down. We love to talk about business deals. We love to talk about relationships. We love to sort of understand what is being done to us and what we're doing to people. And we love it.

It's like a chess game. Huh. Understand. Instead of just being one of the. These idiots talking to you who sits in front of the TV playing mind cramps. What is it? M menstrual cramps. Menstrual cramps, mind games.

What are those? People play video games. People escape. You don't escape. You don't do drugs. You don't do alcohol. You don't do caffeine. Now you're not even doing candy anymore.

What are you? A loser. I think they call me the lighthouse. What is the name? new lighthouse. That's my side hustle at Chippendales, a dance, erotic dancing, exotic dancing, ex-rated dancing, slap you in the face with a... With a what? Well, you ever seen an elephant rampaging through a jungle in the middle of the night with rabies and a hyena eating into its spine? Yeah, just did Cirque de Soleil. Yeah, that trunk doesn't sit still.

What I like is, have you ever seen somebody feed an elephant, like a piece? A person. A piece of a of fruit and the elephant takes its snout yeah and it grips the thing and I go oh it's going to suck it down it's because of but what it does is it then so this is the trunk and it goes like this back into the mouth into the mouth you thought the little the trunk with the little nostril holes was consuming melons and nuts and coconut I would love that that's a design flaw Here's the other thing. If I'm holding, now I know we all think these elephants are so smart. I even referenced one earlier in a bit.

But if it was really smart, it would avoid the trunk portion and just get close to the human. Or, uh, uh, and throw it like a seal getting its daily fish, daily, daily. Peter, did you hear the way you said, daily? Freaking idiot. it. Wait a minute. That appendage on an elephant is used for so many different things. I mean, they use it to reach. They use it to grab. They use it to get food. They use it to drink. Yeah. They use it to coddle. Right. So if you can drink, why can't it just take the, what is it to have a juicer process where it sucks it through that and it gets. Well, let me ask you this. If I sit you down for chicken wings, are you going to eat them with your mouth or suck

them up your nose. I'm going to take my appendage and I'm going to eat it like a human. But I'm saying that these elephants. That's their nose. Imagine you stretched your nose over this far. It would still be your nose there, Pinocchio. So you're not going to eat grapes. You're not going to eat your granola bars, your snickers, your M&Ms.

You could probably suck the M&Ms up your nose. Let me simplify this for you. Simplify. Let's say you've never seen an elephant before in your life. Right. Never. Okay. So now, we're going to focus group this.

We're going to take kids. Right. 12 kids in a room. And the elephant is handed the orange. Yeah. Freeze it. Kids, what's going to happen? I guarantee 100% of the kids are going to say the elephant's going to suck the orange through whatever the hell that is.

True. I'll agree with that. Right. Right. So how did the creator not see this? Why did the creator make an extra? extra step? Well, let's assume that said elephant does suck up food. Now it has no way to break that food down. There's no teeth in the nose. There's no chewing mechanism. Yeah. So it needs the mouth to

break down the food, just the way we do, just the way every creature does. Can't that go into that? It feels like it's above it a little. It can just drop it in. Drop it into your mouth. The way when you suck mucus through your nose, it drops into the back of your throat. You chew it and then swallow it. And then if you're lucky, you regurgitated later. Here's the other thing. These all loving elephants. Yeah.

Sometimes they have a little tantrum. They suck up the water in like a fire hose. They shoot it. Yeah. At the humans. I can't decide if you're more angry at elephants or flies right now. Your anger runs smoothly. No, I have no gripe with the elephant.

It seems like you're really angry. With how they were developed, I think is wrong. I think they got screwed. I think they got screwed. Well, another thing you've got to remember, they use this apparatus for a lot of sensory applications. They smell the air. They feel vibrations.

They'll actually put the trunk on the ground. They can feel vibrations. They can sense water, even if it's like beneath the strata. They're very, it's a very complicated and sensitive tool. They're long snouts. I would store, if I was in elephant, friend. Yeah. I would store like oranges in my trunk. Okay. Because it's called a trunk. What do you use a trunk for? Storage. Yeah. So I'd store like six of them. I'd probably store about probably

120. Do you think that? Find your house and shoot your house with oranges like a machine gun. Do you think that that airway has to be kept open? Yes. It does. Do you know that for a fact or you just? Well, it's like any any breathing apparatus. You don't want to clog in the system because then you can't imagine how big an elephant's lungs are. You're going to plug its nose up. You know, this is, I want to go back to because, you know, you're a guy that often says to me you like deep converse. You even did it earlier in this podcast. Yeah. I just want to talk about these kids. And then, and then I brought it in and you, you diverted away from it back to the silly really quickly. No, I didn't. I said everything I need it to say. Oh, you did. I was as concise and iconic as possible. I spelled it out. I like to make a

connection. If you want to stop right now and be hiking Harlan, I'll give you 20 minutes of like deep discussion. I just want to know what's the thing you like to find out the most about people when you go deep, when you get real with people. What's at the heart of the mind that you're going, I want to see what's there. I want to flip that over. Well, I, I, think it's it's individualistic you know like it depends on the person yeah like with you yeah and you know you'll never find out but keep going you are extremely intelligent and insightful wait wait hold on and you say that again no that this i'm having trouble with this now say that again you're a great person to bounce things off of oh thank you you too by the way yeah so and i i confiding you and i and i

trust you. And in fact, I asked you for advice on something recently and I followed exactly to a T what you told me. Oh. And so I respect and appreciate that. And then other people, it, um, it really depends. Like, you know, I'm friends with a guy at the gym that's a boxer. And I'm fascinated by what, what does it like to be punched in the face? And what does it take to get into the ring? And what do you feel the moments before the ring or after or before you get into it or the day of a fight or the day before a fight. It's like that whole, it's just so different. I love different minds.

You know what's interesting? I'm going to summarize your answer in my opinion. Right now you're sounding like a writer to me, like a non, like a Stephen King. In my interpretation of what you said is you like to get inside of people and know how they work and what makes them work and how they feel like when they're taking a punch or based on who they are. What their motivation is. Yeah.

Like my neighbor Ken came over the, I've, I haven't talked about Ken on this podcast, but Ken is, he's older, he's in his 70s. He's from Oklahoma, and he's got one of the biggest houses in the neighborhood. Right. The guy can repair anything. He was an architect, and he'll come over. We redid part of my cabinets this week. We hung solar lights.

We replaced, we hot replaced outlets. Yeah. Tell me how to do that without getting electrocuted. To do the wiring. Yeah, but what's amazing about Ken is the way his mind, I can't figure stuff out. So, okay, here's another one. I had, when I bought the house, there was a hanging TV in the kitchen. I don't use it.

It's a small TV. I bet the indoor spiders, too. They love it. So I couldn't figure out how to. I said, Ken, these screws, I just, I keep unscrewing it. It just keeps moving, but it's not, it's not coming undone. They're in the cabinet. The TV's hanging underneath.

The screws are going up. I'm at the top of the screw. I'm just going like this. It's just moving. It's not coming out. Ken says, do you have another screwdriver? I said, yeah. He puts it right.

up the hole and there's a nut. I didn't even know there was a nut. He didn't even know there's, and he stopped the nut. He goes, do it now. And it just came out within a second. But somehow, Ken, right. So then today, the sprinklers, one of the sprinklers broke. You know the, it's called a manifold.

Yeah. It's a, it goes, it's a sprinkler head that has like eight little connections and the little tube goes into the. Yeah. So one of those came undone and it ripped off part of the manifold. By the way, manifold, also a gay bar down in West Hollywood. Isn't that a member's only and you were a member? You got to know origami to get in the manifold.

How are your manifolds holding up here? So the manifold broke. So now you can't, if you have an eight manifold, I'm sorry, this is boring to people. You'll edit this out, won't you? Now that I said it's a gay bar and all, every time you say manifold, it's making it hilarious. But keep going, good.

Now you have eight manifolds? Yeah, okay. Yeah, the eight manifold, which is a good weekend. So they come with a little cap on it. You can unscrew. The mini unscrew it. The water starts spraying. It's like a fire hose.

It's like an 18-year-old that's been pent up for a while. There's a release. The manifold just. So that's broken. So I said to Ken, you can't even screw anything on it to stop the spraying. So Ken said, I texted Ken, where's my phone? Let me tell you exactly what Ken said. Okay, hold on.

Okay. Because this to me is just, it's, uh, hilarious. Yeah, I mean, I just, the way his mind works, and I know, you guys, you're not going to think this is interesting, but, uh, I sent him pictures. Okay. If anyone's wondering, that's a manifold. Oh, wow. Okay. Here, let me hold it up to my name.

To zoom into that. So it's a manifold. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. And you can see. I mean, you see, I sent Ken pictures. Whoa, here it comes. He's a manifold. Look what happened there, Harlan.

Oh, wow. What's that? That's the tube broke. And it took a piece of the manifold. So now we have this situation. That's not good, is it, Harlan? Hold it up. Show the people.

You know, most people have sexts on their phone. You have manifolds. Yeah. What is wrong with you, guy? Is that clear? Dude, you have manifolds, like dozens of shots of manifolds on your phone. One of the lines snapped. Can we just see a sext?

Is that possible? Are there any sex? So you can't shut off that line with a little screwtop. Can we dip from the manifold? Any thoughts, Ken? Should I just replace it? I hate connecting those little lines. It's really tough.

I figured you might have a workaround. That's work talk, everybody. work around rather than replacing the piece, which isn't expensive, but connecting the little tubes to the manifold. Sounds a lot like a reach around to me. Just cut the line and put it on one of the unused nipples. It's called a nipple.

Dude, this is the most innuendo gold I've ever heard in my life. Keep going. If you can't turn, flow off the broken nipple, just put a small screw in it or use some epoxy. So I screwed. Gnarf, gnarfs. I screwed in the little hole. Snorff, snorff, gnarf, gnarf.

I said that's the quickest fix ever. Thank you. Wow. Dude, I didn't realize you were so sexual. I'm not sexual. Well, that was probably one of the horniest stories I've ever heard. I love getting into Ken's mind. I think Ken,

and I put videos up. He used to let me videotape him. I put up all video of Ken and I fixing a toilet. You and him manifolding together? Wow. What happened to this podcast? I edit that entire section out. But keep, I want it from my archives.

You would have been better off just showing us a sext. A what? A sexted. Have you ever sexted? Yeah, of course. You have? Yeah. I've never done it.

Yes, you have. I've never sexted. Never. With a woman, you've never said. Never sexted. Why are you afraid of, I'm, I'm comfortable with it. No, I'm not, I'm not, just, I don't know why it freaks me the hell out. You've got to be kidding.

I've never done it. The most I've done is I, did a seductive shot of my belt buckle once. I was like... No, wait a minute. I've never sent a picture of myself. I've never sent... That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, no, no, that I've never done. Oh, okay. Well, me neither. But I've talked word or lewd or... I've talked sexually. That's sexting. You're talking about dick picks. I don't know.

I wouldn't do that. Yeah, that's what I meant. Like photograph. Yeah, no, I've never done that. Okay, okay. Never. In fact, I'm going to say this. I would say that a woman that wants that,

probably isn't my type. That to me... Oh, really? Well, the male... So a woman that doesn't... That wants penis isn't your type. No, she wants penis, but not a picture. It's just classless.

Like, the male organ is disgusting. It looks like roadkill, doesn't it? It's disgusting. Yeah. That half-flat squirrel with the eye popping out? No, I mean, I'll send one and then she'll say, no, no, no, not a picture of an elephant trunk. Not because of the size, but because that's what it looks like at this point.

A dick pick, please. Yours looks like an elephant trunk. Yours does too, I'm sure. You want to go out and snort some oranges? Yeah. God. Well, I can pick stuff up with mine. You can?

Yeah, I can. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Like, what's the biggest, can you do, like, bench press? One time, I'm not proud of this, but I wanted the woman out, and she wouldn't leave, and I picked up her pants with my junk. You picked up her pants, or you picked up her pants, or you picked her pants.

picked up her and just put her out the door no picked up the junk i wouldn't pick her up picked up her pants put these on and out yeah wow um we have one slot still open down at chippendales if you're interested pass well a little bit above that's good money how's your cameo going excuse me i don't use that kind of soap i use iris spraying how is it going are you uh my cameo do you book any today oh no i booked a memo so there's all these there's all these things where you can order from people of notoriety, they can order a little video of you giving them a personal message. It's like, what's a cameo.com?

Yes. Or memo.com is more than, oh, you've got a memo. It's the European one. They're mostly European. So, yeah, I'm doing good. People love it. They write in, they get on the app, cameo.com, and they send guys like me and you. Don't do it on the app.

Do it on cameo.com. because Apple on the app takes out an extra 30%. Oh, wow. Okay. 30 or 40. It's ridiculous. But it's fun, man. It's a fun thing for people who are fans to get a personalized video from.

Yeah, I'm starting to understand it. But here's the thing. I want them to all come in at the same time. I want five and then I bang them out. There's nothing worse than like doing a few. You're like, you feel good. And then another one comes in. Now you're like, I got an assignment.

Yeah. Well, you just, that's all up to the consumer, man. You got no control over that guy. But we do have control over is this. Our final segment, my friend, called words from a wooden shoe. Are you ready? You don't want to talk about the kids? Well, we don't have time.

Wow. We're going to do words from a wooden shoe. So how this works is we, don't please, don't be nosy. Yeah. I have an authentic Dutch clog, okay? And in this shoe, our words, and you don't look, but you reach in and you pull out a word and tell us if it makes you think of a story or a moment in time that happened to you. And we talk about it. What happened to are you serial? I'd still do that.

I was looking forward to are you serial today? Are you serial? That's right. I said to you, get the bowl. Oh, okay. I mean, the clog bit. This will be real, you know, it's well, way you pull a word and then we'll see where it leads us and then judge it. Are you still doing those videos with the two mannequin things? The two guys in their underpants? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am. I'm going to Japan and I'm going to shoot one in Tokyo.

So you're going to fly those things over? Yeah, I take them with me in my suitcase, little dolls. They're like little Ken dolls. They're like that, right? No, those are mannequins. Oh, so they're smaller. That's little Coco. He sits off camera when he's not being.

my co-host. Yeah, I've seen them as the co-host. Yeah, but no, the little dolls I have are like the little bigger than Ken dolls. But that's a lot to lug over for one. It's two little dolls. But why not just, they don't weigh anything? Why not just go to Yamashiro's? Because I'm going to be, I'm going to be an authentic Tokyo. I've shot with these dolls. I've taken, I've thrown them over Niagara Falls. I've taken them. No, you haven't. I've taken them to Saudi Arabia. You didn't throw them over Niagara Falls. And you retrieved them? No, they're gone. I have doubles. They were the stunt ones. I've taken them to Burning Man.

I've taken them to the St. Louis Arch. How many of you lost? I only had to use two. I only had to lose two because I had to throw them over Niagara Falls. Where do you get them? Like, do you have a maid? Initially, I found them in a craft store, and then they ran out of them. So then I had to go search for them online, like eBay and stuff.

Yeah. So, yeah, they're still, they're on my cameo, on my Patreon page. How do we keep track of all this stuff? I'm on cameo. I'm on Patreon like. you. Yeah. I've got,

you know what the greatest thing going now? What? Is fans will just Venmo me money. Great. It's just, I'll wake up and they go, so-and-so just sent you $25. Just for being horny out of them.

Just because I think they appreciate the hard work with doing, although the older people will PayPal me. This is the newest thing. Wow. Just out of nowhere, you get a tip from Jim in Cincinnati. Exactly. I got one,

one saying that my comedy changed your life. She said, actually, she'd heard me on two different podcasts. I can't remember. remember if there's one of these, and she said, I'm sending you $25, or $35, much love from Turkey. Wow. Not a lot of people get paid just for being them. That's what I love about this. That's why this cameo, you have to make a video. Yeah. Although I like it. I'd rather people

just send me money. You just want people to please, folks, send orny money all day long. What's, what's the lowest they can send? A dollar, I think. But here's the thing. Let's just add Orney Adams. But what you should do is instead of my face. this whole podcast, just have my QR code. Yeah. Oh, but what else are we on? I'll put it in now. What else are we?

We have podcasts. We have, what else do we have going? We have everything going. Everybody does. We're on Instagram, we're on TikTok, we're on podcasts. We're on Cameo, Patreon. It's a digital world, baby. We're in the Matrix.

How close are we, Harlan Williams? How close are you and I to never having to leave the house again to make money? I haven't left my house in 12 years, bro. I make pies. I make, I do bake goods. Would you rather make a living doing this podcast or going out on the road and doing comedy or a mixture? A mixture. As I get a little older, I'm like to dial the touring back. It's, it's work, it's grueling. It's great getting there and doing the shows. Traveling, being in airport, especially with COVID, and I feel like the temperament of society is ramped up, like more and more.

people go off a lot easier. People are fighting on airplanes. People are yelling at the check-in counter. Yeah, they're like ripping computers out and throwing at them. There's no civility. It just seems everything's a lot more temperamental now. Do you think that's going to change? I think it's going to escalate.

I think humans are just going to escalate to a really bad place and we'll hit a plateau and some kind of invention beyond the cell phone or whatever. It would be internal chips or mind link or whatever. I think we're going to get to a place where we reach sort of this more social harmony. Do you think humans are wired to be more where we're going or where we've been? I think humans right now are in a place where we're in what I call the showcase syndrome. So people have decided that the world's a reality show and these are their Captain America shields. Even if there's a fight, they want to like, hey, I'm calling the cops or hey, stay back.

You know, people are... Meaning videotaping. Well, videotaping and kind of using their... Or if someone, they're, well, who are you? You know, they're using their phones almost like... Tattletails. It's like a tattletail or it's a defense mechanism. Like they think if some guy comes out of him at a gun,

oh, you're going to shoot me? Yeah, go ahead. Shoot me ass. You know, so we're in this really weird place where people are empowered and they're triggered easily and they go into this, this aggressive, combative state of mind. But I think at some point we're going to overcome that and become a more placid, more subdued organism, a human unit, you know, which I think it's just growing pains that have been, the catalyst for it has been as this. I think this has jump started, this kind of frenzy, chaotic sort of society and world we live in.

And I think we're going to get over it eventually. but I think it's going to get worse still. Well, what is it about the phone that brought that out in us? I think it empowers people that they've realized that this fake little rectangle in their hands somehow protects them, somehow empowers them. It just, I don't know what it is, but it's not good. Yeah. And it doesn't seem to be any sort of recourse or not, what's the word?

Like people, there's no penalty for these people that are having these outbursts. Yeah. There's just no, nobody's being busted. There's nobody, nobody's embarrassed. You used to be embarrassed. Well, that's. Go look at the way that person's acting. Like, you'd never act that way.

Well, that's the downfall of the phone because now we're all seeing it play out and we're becoming numb to it. And we're also using it, you know, people who are provocative are using it against law enforcement. You know, the average citizen is studying the law books and most law enforcement probably studied law when they were coming up through the ranks. but, you know, it's like in high school you forget a lot what you learned. So these people stay at home and they kind of pick off every civil rights law.

And then when a cop approaches them just to do their duty, well, you can't, you know, my civil rights, you can't even talk to me. I don't have to answer a question. I'm not trespassing. This is government land. You're not allowed. What's their badge number? Yeah, I don't have to roll down my window.

I mean, these people, they're harassing cops. Like, it's hard enough to be a cop. Like, they're not doing anything. They're not the person that. that beat up an innocent person that we know of. They're just there. They're like, hey, dude, listen, the owner of the building doesn't want you to be here. Or like, could you not videotape the police precinct or cars?

Like, they're just, like, can you just let them, their job is hard enough? Like, do you have to attack these people? Well, that's the thing with the phones now. They can record every little moment. And even though what it used to be kind of, you try and get into a civil disagreement with a cop and figure it out. now because they're representative of the law, they can go, I'm sending this videotape to the court,

and you broke this law, this law, this civil right, this civil, and so now the cops are afraid to scratch their heads. Well, and a lot of the times it isn't, they're actually antagonizing the cops. They are. They are. Into situations to create these recordings to sort of troll them. They're trolling.

And then there's a certain segments like, way to go, way to stick up for their, you know, it's just. It blows my mind, and we have to get back to having some civility. People need to act like humans and treat other humans like humans, or we're doomed. Well, this is what I'm saying. It's going to keep escalating because more and more people are seeing this behavior. They're realizing they can get away with it, and it's disrupting the whole system, the system of authority, the system of laws, and it's dangerous, but we're going to get to a breaking point.

And I don't know. I haven't fully examined this whole, you know, AI, which is starting to be a lot more common in the daily conversation. The mind link thing or whatever that thing Elon Musk is doing. So I don't know. I'm hoping we're headed for a more civil discourse amongst our fellow human beings. But right now we're going through a lot of turmoil. I don't know how we get back from this.

I know how we get back. You're ready? Words from a wooden shoe. Come on. Here we go. Let's do it. We got a little side-jack. Can I ask a question?

I saw some are on white pieces of paper and some are in black. Is this from, did you write these out in different periods? Yeah, different periods. So it doesn't matter. What's newer? I want to pick on the new. The white ones are newer. I'm praying I get a white one.

I'm not going to look. But do you like how that, that's, if people wonder, what's, what's, what's what's, what he Adams in his mind? That's, that's it. Yeah. Don't look. I saw you looking. Yeah.

There you go. Oh, what do we got. What do we got? what do I have to tell you yeah you got to tell me and can I tell you someone this would be so much cooler if it was in a little fortune cookie I know I can I can bake you a cookie later if you want I don't love my word that's okay does it does that you're not supposed to love it or hate it it's about evoking a response the response is I hate it what is the word falling falling the word is falling F-A L-L-I-N-G falling now what do I do I

do with it? Is there a story or a memory or anything that sparks? Yeah, my hand is falling back into the clog to get another word. No, it's not how it works. Have you ever fallen off of something? Are you afraid of falling? Have you? I'll tell you a good story. Here we go. I knew we'd find it. I'll tell you a good story that. I don't know if I told, when I started doing stand-up comedy, back in Boston, Massachusetts. Okay. One of the first times I ever got up on stage was at Nick's comedy stop. No. Sorry, Stitches.

Stitches Comedy Club, which was near Fenway Park. By the way, Frankenstein's favorite comedy club. And the host of the show was Vinnie Favorito. Oh, wow. What's amazing is I haven't thought of that name in 20 years and it just came back. Who doesn't love mafia comedy? Vinny was very funny. Very like Boston in your face and very like, you know, like I believe it was him.

I think he used to have a joke. There was a steakhouse that had a, I can't even say it. It's so wrong, but it had a big cow on it. And he'd look at a big person and go, hey, Morton's called. They want you back on the lawn. You know, like you would say, like, but it was like in the days when you could be funny like that. Okay. But he was a real ball buster.

And I was doing like a night and off, it wasn't a weekend, but it was like a group show. Yeah. And I didn't see the stage. It was dark that it went up. I thought I had already gotten the step up, and I fell flat on my face. It was your first time doing that? It was like definitely early on in my career, and I face-planted. Like you didn't have time to get your hands out in front?

Like your face slapped the ground? It was an aggressive fall. I don't remember ever fall. It would be life-ending for somebody over the age of 70. And what was the reaction from the crowd? Well, I mean, he just looked over. I think he just tore me apart. I'm sure I have it on tape.

Oh, the crowd didn't see it? Oh, you heard it. It was like, it was a violent fall. So you were coming on stage or off? Going on stage. And then I had to stand up and then do comedy after that. So the crowd saw you fall on stage. I guess.

Oh, my God. I don't know what their perspective was, but yeah, that's. Were you discombobulated? Of course. When you got up to the mite, were you like, well, also, you know, you've got this guy. He's a headliner. Somebody your respect who makes you laugh And now he's just tearing you to shreds

However, you know, it was probably a great moment for him But these are the things that as a stand-up comic You go through and it makes you stronger I mean, I must have a million of these stories Because that's like a story I haven't thought about In years The wooden clog You were afraid you wouldn't find it and you did

Yeah Before we go, buddy Yes Folks, Orney is a great stand-up comic He has some great material, a new special out on YouTube. He has an incredible podcast on YouTube. Please tell the folks where they can see all this stuff, buddy. Harlan Williams.com.

Yeah. Go to patreon.com. So it's Harlan. Everything's Orney Adams. Everything. I just put, because of the success, I put more than loud, my special up on YouTube, expecting to get 25,000 views. It's at 1.5 million.

Wow. which blows my mind. Congrats. And so I just put my second one up yesterday. Yeah. And it just hit over 20,000. Wow. Which I think is cool.

What's the name of the second one? Takes the third. Takes the third. Check both of these out and then tell everyone about your podcast. My podcast is called What's Wrong with Ointy Adams? And Harlan has been on it a few times. Yeah. And that's when we do a more serious, I think, talk, maybe.

Yeah. You like it a little more serious to me. Yeah. My podcast is, like if you listen to the latest episode 16, It's me just going, I just, everything that, you think the flies bother me, it's like that for an hour. Yeah. It's intense. And then sometimes I have guests.

I just had on Jim Clemente, who's a former FBI profiler. Oh, yeah. That was molested as a kid and went undercover years later as an adult and wore wire and busted the guy. It did it for the FBI and they're like, you got to join us. And now he's like, you know, when they, if you turn on the news and they have an FBI profileer talking about the Idaho murders, it's Jim Clemente. So he was on for a couple episodes. I just had the CEO of Cameo on. You know what's great about the murder episode of your podcast?

You can put it on tonight and fall asleep to it. Let me tell you something. Most people fall asleep to my podcast. And we're going to leave it there. Let's hit the theme music, buddy. Come on. Everybody, Orney Adams, put your headphones on. Orney Adams here on the Harlan Highway podcast.

What a pleasure, dude. Can I do something for you? for you before we go. What's that? Can I do an elephant call for you? Like before we go, like an elephant call? I think we should play my podcast theme on your podcast since you're the one singing my podcast with Kevin, your bare naked ladies, cousin. Can I do an elephant?

Yeah. Boo! I think the elephant has a strep throw, too. And seen.