The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #40 - HARLAND WILLIAMS, Comedian, Podcaster

Episode Date: January 10, 2023

Harland reads an excerpt from his book, brings Aunt Ruthy on camera for the first time ever, and talks about FAMILY. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody. Harland here on the Harland Highway podcast. Just want to let you know I have a stand-up comedy show in Phoenix, Arizona, January 20th to the 22nd at a great club right downtown called Stand Up Live. So get your tickets online at Harlan Williams.com for Phoenix, Arizona, January 20th to the 22nd. And we'll see you there. And now, without any further stop signs along the way, Let's get rolling right down the Harland Highway. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway show. Harland Williams. Well, hello, everybody. Mm-hmm. Well, now that's right.

You on the Harland Highway. Yeah, welcome to the Harland Highway. everybody. Oh, I better put my headphones on. Let's do that. Let's get the cans on the head, shall we? Hey, welcome, everybody. Let's hit the theme music to the Harland Highway podcast. This is the podcast where we take you down the Harland Highway, and you don't know what exit we're going to get off. You don't know where it's going to go, but it's going to go, baby. It's going to go. It's going to go. We're going to drive through the night like a crystal mouth truck driver transporting cabbage from Sacramento, California, all the way across country to Orlando, Florida. And if that cabbage heats up on the way and the refrigeration goes out and that cabbage starts to stink, well, then that's just part of the journey. He's either going to make it, you're going to eat a nice juicy salad like a Galapagos. tortoise sucking on greens way out there in the ocean where it's going to stink like the

back of Willie Nelson's tour bus just after he's had one too many containers of Wendy's chili uh but here we go welcome everybody uh interesting show today you know one of the things I'm going to do a little later on in the show and the podcast is um as you may or may not know. I've mentioned this several times. You know, I write these books, these short stories. They're kind of twilight zoneish short stories. And I have a series of books out. And a lot of people write to me and send emails and posts and all kinds of things. And they go, is this for real, man? You don't strike me as a writer. Are these real? Are you just making this up? Is this? So what I'm going to do later on in the pod?

is if you'll indulge me, I'm going to dare to read like three or four pages out of one of my books. It'll be like Magic Harland Highway Story Time here today. And I'll preface my reading with the story and a little bit of background on it. And we'll see what you guys think. I don't claim to be a writer. I don't know if I'm a writer. I don't know if I'm a good writer, a bad writer.

I just know I like to write. and I'll let you guys be the judge but we'll get into that later but right to now a ladies and gentlemen I want to talk about a running theme

that I'm finding in movies and I think this sort of got triggered from going to the new Avatar movie by the way three and a half hours long beautiful, stunning a marvel to look at, but it was so real. I mean, it was done so well that I got to a point

where when all the blue critters and the green critters and all the weird critters, the avatar people, the Navi or whatever they're called, when they started going underwater, which a large portion of the movie takes place underwater, You know, they handed out these 3D glasses at the theater. I almost wished they gave me like goggles and a pair of flippers. I mean, by the time I got out, I think my fingertips were wrinkled.

I mean, that's three and a half hours of underwater is, look out. But what I realized is the depiction, the computer-generated water was so perfect and so convincing. that as big of a spectacle as it was, as as monumental of a technological achievement as it was, and I loved it, but I have to be honest, you know, about 10 minutes into the underwater sequences that lasted forever, I actually felt like I was looking at real underwater footage.

And so at some point I'm kind of going, this is sort of like a really long Discovery Channel Shark Week episode. Like it was almost too super real. I mean, despite the swimming smirfs and the, you know, some of the aquatic creatures were fantasy driven. You know, we had big whale-like creatures and eel creatures and jellyfish creatures and octopi. But, you know, the coral and the wreaths,

and the color of the water and the sand, everything was done to perfection, to the point where I was kind of like, okay, $25, $30 for the 3D experience. I could be sitting at home watching, you know, a killer fish of the Amazon on Discovery. You know, I could be watching river monsters with that freaky Danish guy

It looks like he should be out skinning Sasquatch. And it was beautiful. It was a marvel, but I got to the point where I was like, okay, I could probably go lay in the bathtub and just kind of hold my nose and go under and open my eyes. And I'm almost there, chance Cameron. But outside of that, it was beautiful as wonderful. But one of the themes that was overpowering in the movie was this theme of a family.

Okay, we all have families, we all come from families, we all started at a family. But one of the driving forces that they just kept kind of hitting you with, almost more than the water, was, we're a family. Nothing stronger than the family. We may be nine feet tall and we may be blue. and we may have tails, and we may have imbred eyes that are probably seven inches too far apart.

And we have canine teeth that could probably eat through a raccoon, but we're family. Family, a family sticks together. Nothing strong, nothing stronger than the family, no matter what. You know, all this big drama.

It's always this huge soap opera-like drama before they say the word family. No matter what. No matter what comes through those trees. No matter how many of them there are. No matter how strong, how big, how dangerous. We stick together because we're family. And a family sticks together.

A family. I'm like, all right already. What are we going to flapjack? Jack Knight at eye-hop with the family, relax, with the family thing. And I'm going to let you know on a little secret here. There's a two-tiered approach to my comments about family. One is, you know, I've done a lot of movies over my career. I think 40 or 50 movies, so I know what I'm talking about.

I know the movie business. I've been in them. I've been around them. I've written them. I've starred in them. I've directed them. I've done it all. I've been in and out of the doors of every big studio and indie studio in Hollywood.

And, you know, a movie sort of used to stand more on its own merit of a story, an original story, an original idea, an original catalyst for the story to kind of start to play out. But the studio world, the movie system, has now kind of narrowed it down and I don't know if you have a cookbook in your home, but a cookbook is full of recipes. Okay, and Hollywood now kind of has a recipe book of emotional themes and film themes

that they know kind of check the boxes for people and evoke an emotional response. And in turn, might help a movie do better because, you know, people obviously, as human beings are attracted to an emotional arc. And so one of the big ones at the top of the list is this theme of family. And now when you go to a movie, when I go to a movie, because I've been a student of film, I've been to one of my favorite things is to go to movies.

I examine them, I look at them, right down to the extras in the movie, to the art in the movie, the coloring, the lighting, the texture of the paint on the wall. I examine all of it, almost to a fault. But one of the things they're doing nowadays and have been doing probably the last, I don't know, 12, 15 years is you go to any movie now, and I'd say the majority of movies within the first, I'm going to say five to nine minutes, maybe 12 minutes,

they will insert some little element with a connection to a family, whether it's the Avengers, when Iron Man and, you know, one of his daughters get stolen, or it's Avatar, it's the family, you know, someone's attacking the family, or there's always someone shows a photograph of someone,

or someone gets kidnapped, or I've got to go get my daughter, or I can't rest till I find my son. It's all this, like, kind of, got to go get the family member, protect the family members, save the family members, somebody's missing, someone's been kidnapped, someone's been shot, someone has to be avenged. And these are all fine themes, but they were scattered throughout the movie business and

throughout movies in general over the years. But now what I'm saying is almost every second, if not every movie, kind of kicks off with that theme to hook you, to pull you in emotionally. so blatant and obvious now that it's driving me nuts. I can barely go to the movies. And the minute they start with the, we're a family. Family stick together. Like even, you know, the fast and the furious.

You ever see the trailer for that? We're a family. Even though all we're doing is spinning donuts in the mall parking lot in our, in our jacked up hot rods and burning rubber and standing around in wife-beater t-shirts and racing through the streets, we're family. Vin Diesel, we're a family. Like, it's enough with this family crap, right? So that's the first part of it.

And then I want to tackle that word, family. We all have one. Go look in the mirror and think about who you are. You're a brother or a sister, an uncle, or an aunt, or a husband. And all these movies that just tout how glamorous and how together the family is and what a unit we are. And it represents togetherness and love and harmony. Are you kidding me?

Have you looked at the family, you know, here in America at least? The family, really? Do you know anyone that's fighting for the family? Do you know anyone who's families like this? I hate to pee on the parade, gang, but most families, most families are going through a divorce. They've been through a divorce. There's people cheating. There's people lying.

There's people that are in families that don't even want to be in them. How many of your married friends have you heard complaining their ass off? You just look at them dragging through life, going, oh, God, I'm going to fail my wife. Oh, my husband, oh, my kids. But what's all this family stuff? As if America's like the family place, the family country. How many people in your family do you not even talk to? How many families do you know where the siblings don't,

they're in a fight and they won't even talk to each other? Or the kids won't talk to their parents or the parents won't talk to the kids. I know at least three. Right now, they've been in these longstanding feuds. Brothers and sisters won't even talk. Parents that are in a divorce that pick sides with the kids. All this divisive behavior and all this divided family.

What happened to, we got to be in the family? They make it out like every family's like, it's not like we're still in the old days where, you know, The pioneers settled on, you know, 300 acres of land out in the middle of Nebraska. And all they had was each other, the fathers and the sons and the daughters and the wives and they stood at the door with shotguns and we've got to protect this family. We don't know who's out there, land rustlers, Indians, who knows what's out there. Okay, back then, I'm buying it.

Farm families where you have to rely on the family to carry the farm. farm, sure. Still doesn't mean they were in harmony. And then who else is in the family? You always get the creepy uncle, right? Creepy uncle with the, he's kind of a purve. He always got the drunk in the family. You get the guy who's a liar, who's a troublemaker, who's always late, disappointing the kids. Now, don't get me wrong, family is great. The unit The concept of a family is great, and we all love our families, but, you know, we're not cavemen anymore. We're not in a tribe where we just, we all glue together when we live and die and go through

life together and we hunt and we eat and we sit around the fire and tell stories. Are you kidding me? And especially with the phone generation, I mean, you could have the whole family sitting at the table and nine of the eight people are staring at their phones. they don't even know the other people in the family exist. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes, the answer is yes.

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to probably the most dysfunctional family in the world, the United States of America, Canada, North America, perhaps the whole world. I've been overseas, I see it. I don't think families are any more bonded together over there than they are here. Although I will say, I feel like some ethnic families are a little more into it.

I've noticed, like, Latin families. I have Mexican friends where family is very strong, but there's still tons of fighting and tons of people not talking and communicating and feuding and lying and cheating, backstabbing. You know? And I guess where I'm really getting rubbed the wrong way is this whole notion that they try to sell,

you know, even in Avatar or even in the Fast and the Furious where, let's face it, that that family is sort of a criminal element. They're stealing cars and they're speeding illegally, racing through the streets, endangering society, the Avengers family, they try to play it off like a giant green guy and a guy that, you know, looks like the Tin Man's lover, Iron Man, and Thor, this guy looks like he should be at the front of a Trans Day parade or something. Look at the golden wig and the wings on his head

and some kind of a mallet. It's like if Home Depot was celebrating gay pride or something. Get him on the Home Depot gay pride flow right at the front. I am Thor, who wants to get hit by my mallet? I mean, yeah, this is a, family they're selling these oddball freaks as a family it's just it's it's to me it's like a load of BS you know it's like uh I don't know maybe you're lucky maybe some of you watching are fortunate enough to have this family that's just so you know maybe you're in the mafia or something and family

is everything but uh can Hollywood can you please dial it back a bit nacho huh can you can you can you Can you reel it back there, nacho? Can you stop pounding us with the family thing until I see family skipping through the streets holding hands and hugging? I mean, just because you all stand there on the holidays at Christmas and Thanksgiving, hugging, everyone say cheese.

Uh-uh, that's a photograph. Real-life families, mm, not so, fast and furious not so avatar not so avengers so uh why don't we just get back to reality and uh you know it kind of bummed me out through avatar because they kept like pounding this stupid theme in my face throughout the whole movie i'm just going knock it off what do we what do we what are we like cavemen you know we've we've got our tribe we're in the we're in the cave and We're fighting off mastodons and saber-toothed tigers. Ooh, ooh, get the family.

Ooh, family's strong. Mastodon. Woolly Mammoth, big. Family together, bigger. Family throw stick and rock at Wully Mammoth. Family kill cave bear. Ooh, family, family. Let's sit down in cave and watch Fast and Furious 15 on family flat screen.

In cave with fire, we make Orville Reddenbucker. Popcorn. Oh, cave family. I mean, get over it. And on top of that, Hollywood, this is who's pushing the family on us, the wholesome family? Oh, the old so wholesome family, the mother, the father, the proud son, the daughter who's going to be a doctor, and the other younger child, the mutant who's a, a pianist prodigier and the son who's going to play quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers and dad who goes to Merrill Lynch every day from 9 to 5 and mother who's working the social scene

as a social worker. Give me a break. This is Hollywood pushing this fantasy. Hollywood, the land of the deprived and the debauchery. where everyone's divorced and messing around and screwing around and holy God you know these are the guys half their movies are about you know people killing each other

and shooting each other and monsters slashing throat and then let's do the other side family let's have Freddie Kruger cut open a throat and let's have you know the Matrix shoot 700 people in four minutes. Let's have John Wick shoot the hell out of 900 people in 20 minutes. And then let's represent the family.

And while all these Hollywood writers and producers and directors are pushing the family, what's going on behind their closed doors, huh? What's going on with their family, huh? Who's the sexy secretary? Who's the sexy assistant? Who you're cheating with on set? Oh, what kind of, you know, come on. So it's all a bit of a con.

And we're all from families. Look, we don't need to be reminded about family. And again, I'm not dumping on families are important. I love my family. I know you love your families. But what I'm talking about is the overall, this kind of rosy, cheery, glazed picture. of the family.

It's totally inaccurate. It's false. And I think it's a cheap way to try to trick moviegoers. And I don't know if you're like me, but I'm seeing right through it. And I'm freaking tired of it, man. Damn.

Anyways, speaking of people, Holy, let me shift gears Shifting gears Hello, oh my god Angel, is that you? Hello, Aunt Ruthie? Oh my God, it's your aunt Ruthie. Oh my God, it's your aunt Ruthie.

crawling for Rochester, New York, putting pops. Oh, my goodness. How are you, Aunt Ruthie? Oh, it's so good to hear your voice, little Secoface. Oh, m-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-or-and I miss you so much, little Angel Pop. Well, well, it's good to hear from you. How's everything? Well, oh, my God, I don't know where to start.

We're up here in Rochester, New York, and as you know, we've had the horrible ice storm. I mean, there's more ice on the ground than, you know, a broken slushy machine out behind the back of a 7-Eleven, for Christ's sake. Oh, I've been watching the news, Aunt Ruthie, and there's ice everywhere, car accidents? Oh, my God, and your Uncle Harry, of course, you know, he sits in the living room all day, and he watches his bonanza, and he ignores the news people, you know, the nice weatherman, Hans Frinkleman, on the number two news, up here in Rochester, New York. I'm not sure I remember... Of course, not, Angel,

because you live down in the Hollywoods, making your movies and your televisions. Oh, your little fecalface. You're such a little sweetheart. Well, is everything okay, Air Ruthie? Well, oh, my God, I don't know where to start. You know, we had the ice all over the driveway and out in front of the street

and all the neighbors were being good. and stay inside, just like Hans Frinkleman on the No. 2 News told us to do. Okay. And, of course, your Uncle Harry, you know, the sky's more stubborn than a couple of, you know, wild boars eating sweet and sour spare ribs out behind a Panned Express garbage dumpster, for Christ's sake.

Well... And so, you know, the mailman left the mail in the mailbox before the big storm hit, and Harry insists, on going down to the end of the driveway to pick up the mill Oh boy And you know

He says Ruthie I'll just run out and run right back And of course he was in his underwear And his t-shirt He didn't even throw a coat on Because this guy thinks he's going to be back Like he's Clark Kent You know

Sucking on a roast beef sandwich Down at the Arts Deli Down on Main Street there Okay And so there he goes Uncle Harry's got his brown slip is on and oh my god his legs darling oh his legs look like

there's more veins and warts on his legs than half the witches that live in the Harry Potter series for Christ's sake I mean there's hair coming out of his moles and his knees look like somebody slapped Dolly Parton's breasts with a canoe paddle all night for God's sake Oh my God and Ruthie

So Harry goes out into the cold And he makes it down the front steps of course, and as soon as he hits the driveway with his little brown slippers, the old bastard starts sliding. I mean, he looks like Hans Christian Anderson just stepped out of Brian Bartano's

you know, tent up on the side of Brokeback Mountain, for Christ's sake. Oh, my God, Aunt Ruthie. Oh, he was just sliding. He slid right down to the end of the driveway. Of course, smacked into the mailbox, landed on his stomach, and started sliding down the street like

a goddamn, you know, snow otter, for Christ's sake. Well, a snow otter? Oh, he was just on his belly. He was sliding down the middle of the road like a toboggan that just, you know, slid out of, you know, berry manilose underpants, for God's sake. I mean, it was slippery and wet and shiny, and it probably smelled like, you know, lasagna or eggplant catchatoria or something for Christ's sake. Oh, my God, Aunt Ruthie.

Well, of course, I'm not going to let my husband. been slide down the street, so I put my slippers on, and I go out after the old bastard, and guess what? Now I'm sliding down the road on my belly like a snow water. We look like a couple of kids down at the park, you know, sliding around like, you know, we look like a couple of sperm cells trying to make the way to a dirty, infected egg all the way up inside of, you know, some Hollywood wannabes, a fallopian tube, for Christ sake. Oh, man, Ruthie, please. Well, you know who I'm referring to.

No, I don't know who you're referring to. Well, I think it's obvious I'm going after Kate Blanchett here with her rotten fallopian tubes and eggs. And Ruth, and Ruthie, you were sliding... We were sliding down the road like a couple of snow orders, for Christ's sake. And we're weaving in and out of cars. I felt like we were, you know, action figures in a Star Wars love. Lego movie for Christ's sake and

you know it doesn't help I'm tucked in behind Uncle Harry and he's farting all the way and now the you know the ice is melting and he's I got slush splashing up into my eyes for God's sake and my hair's getting all wet and you know my angel pops my

breasts aren't what they used to be and now they're underneath me and they're flapping around like you know a couple of muffin tops at a Jenny Craig Festival for Christ sake just slapping around and scraping on the pavement. Oh my God, my

nipples felt like someone was cutting them off. That character from the saw movies, for Christ's sake. Took a chainsaw and was trying to cut your old Aunt Ruthie's nipples off, for God's sake. Aunt Ruthie, can we not get quite so graphic here?

Well, anyways, your uncle Harry and I are sliding down the icy road and we get all the way to the 7-Eleven and someone was holding the door open. And we slid right in, and Harry hit his head on the candy aisle, for God's sake. Oh, my God, Uncle Harry hit his head? Oh, he just banged his head like a pelican diving into the water and hitting a rock and becoming a retard for God.

Aunt Ruthie, can we not use that word? Well, he was stumbling around, and he was disoriented, and he stood up, and there was so much ice accumulated on his dirty old underpants, they slid down. and of course, you know how Uncle Harry loves his candy angel. Oh, yeah, Uncle Harry's got a sweet tooth. So, of course, he grabs for the first thing on the shelf, and what does he pick up? The Sour Patch Kids.

Have you ever heard of the Sour Patch Kids, sweetheart? Yeah, I remember the Sour Patch Kids when I was a little boy. Oh, that's right, I'll never forget for Halloween that one year you stayed with us because your mother was in the hospital having your little sister. Do you remember your little sister? Do you remember your little sister, Caroline? Yes, I know Caroline, Aunt Ruthie. And you've got the sour patch kids, and you put one in your mouth,

and your mouth puckered up like, you know, an asshole had just seen a 40-foot butt plug come over the mountain, for Christ's sake. Well, can we not... Oh, it was all wrinkled up and bruny, your lips got all sucked in, and your eyes looked like you'd just spent the weekend in a sleeping bag, you know, over with the deliverance children who play the banjos all night for Christ's sake, Angel Pop.

Okay, Aunt Ruthie, so now Uncle Harry standing there in the middle of the 7-Eleven, his pants are hanging down, his dirty underpants, his balls are pretty much sweeping the dust up off the floor. I mean, these things hang so low, you could knock a worm out underground, for Christ's sake.

All right, Aunt Ruthie. So he reaches for the kids, handy and what does he get? Oh, he gets the sour patch kids. The same ones that made your face wrinkle up like an old man's asshole. Aunt Ruthie. He grabs one of them and I guess he's disoriented. I already told you he was walking around like a retard for Christ sake. Can we stop using that word, Aunt Ruthie? And what is your uncle Harry do? He pulls out a sour patch kid, one of the red ones. You know the red ones? Yes, they're extra hot. And Uncle Harry, I guess he was so disoriented, he stuck that Sourapatch kid in his second mouth, for Christ sake.

What do you mean his second mouth, Aunt Ruthie? Um, good morning, hello, and your room service is ready. I'm talking about Uncle Harry, put a red Sour Patch kid in his A-Nus. His A-Nus? Rade up his dirty, dirty Fudgeall, for Christ-Sake. and I have never seen a man scream so hard I mean I've seen Uncle Harry smash his thumb with a hammer I've seen Uncle Harry in a car crash

and the airbag went off in his old dirty fucking face but you have never seen a man scream I mean I remember when we watched Rambo together when you were a little boy and Rambo cut his arm open remember a couple cakes and he had to sew it up himself he put the stitches in and he was screaming his head off I remember watching Rambo with you, yes.

Well, I mean, that scream cannot even come close to the scream your uncle Harry let out when he stuffed a red sour patch kid right up his dirty fourth hole on the green golf club hole. I mean, this man, it sounded like a nun was getting stretched across the galaxies with a chocolate dild... I mean, Aunt Ruthie, can we not...

Go there, please. Oh, Angel, it's just so anyways, we ended up at the emergency ward, and your uncle Harry had to have a sour patch kid pulled out of his bottom. I mean, can you imagine the humiliation for me when I'm filling out the little forms reason for your visit to the hospital? Oh, my husband stuck a sour patch kid up his bottom. I mean, are you kidding me? Well, Aunt Ruthie, he was disoriented.

I believe I said he went retarded, Angel. Well, can we not say that word? Oh, Angel. Anyways, I don't want to keep you. I just wanted to let you know pudding pie that we're okay. And me and your Uncle Harry are okay, and they put a cast on it. They put a cast on it? Yes, your Uncle Harry's going to be just fine in about two weeks.

Wait, they put a cast on what? They put a cast on his sour patch asshole, for God's sakes. I mean, this thing was puckered up like Donnie Osmond kissing babies at a film festival, for Christ's sake. I mean, this had looked like, have you ever seen those fish when they start to puck of their lips and they kiss on the glass in the aquarium? I mean, Uncle Harry's anus was puckered up like, you know, nine cans of tomato paste dripping out of a grocery store with no doors on it, for Christ's sake. Oh, Aunt Ruthie, okay, well. So I'm going to go, I have to go soak hairy in the tub. I've got to soften his anus up with onion water and salt.

They said it helps with the screaming at night. Well, okay, Ruthie, but can you please do me a favor and not do any more outdoor winter stuff when they tell you to stay indoors, stay indoors? That ice is dangerous. I know, oh, that wonderful weather man on number two. I'm sure he's gay, and at night he bounces up and down on his. fat lover.

Aunt Ruthie, uh, I think, uh, it was great to hear from you. Oh, we show wonder.

We just love you, Angel. Please come and visit us in Rochester, New York when you get the chance. We love, give us a kiss, Angel.

We love you. Okay. All right, Aunt Ruthie. I, thank you for, hang on. Harry, can you, Harry, can you say goodbye

to Angel pops over here? Will you say goodbye to your nephew? You're your great. grandchild or whatever the hell he is. It's okay, Aunt Ruthie. Harry, say goodbye. Oh, my God. He's soaking

in the tub, and it looks, I think, his tapeworms coming out of his sour patch, oh, something's moving under the bubbles, for Christ's sake. Harry, get in the water. Put your tapeworm back. Oh, my God. Aunt Ruthie, oh, my God, I've got to go, Angel. There's a tapeworm loose in the bathroom. Oh, my God.

Aunt Ruthie! Oh, and Ruthie! Oh, my God! Oh, my God. At Ruthie. Wow. Brutal. For those of you who have been Jonzing,

for those of you who have been missing me doing my characters, let me know in the comments if you like this stuff, If it's something you want to see more of, in case you're not familiar with my old podcast, which was just an audio format, and it is available on whatever audio platform you can find my podcast. I think it's IHeart Radio and Apple and all that. I have a library about, I don't know, 20 different characters I do. Everyone from George Michael to, oh, this crazy war veteran guy. to Shin Ho from Hawaii 5O to Captain Kirk to there's a whole bunch of them. And so this is just one.

And yeah, let me know if you like it, if you want to see more. And this was the first. I've never done one of them on camera. So I'm anxious to see how this looks as well. But anyways, hope you enjoyed it and maybe we'll do some more. Now let's get back to the studio. and finish out the show. Oh, man.

But let me switch gears. I said I wanted to read to you from my book. And I don't know. This might be weird for you. You might tune out, but I'm going to try it because a lot of people have been asking and I thought this could maybe be interesting. But if it bores you and you click off, you know, I get it.

This is something a little different. But this is one of my books. It's called Don't Look Under the Bad. It's a series of short stories. I just write them on my own time and I sell them on Amazon. You can go to Amazon.com and just click in Harland Williams. Don't Look Under the Bad. And I have another book I've done called Crave, which is another kind of similar kind of

short story book and then my latest book called journeys so i'm i'm just i love cranking out these stories and i'm already finished my next book which is going to come out in three months i just i don't know i'm kind of addicted to writing these short stories again i don't know if they're any good i don't know if people like them or hate them but but a lot of people have asked are these for real and so i thought you know what just for fun i'll read like three pages four pages of of a story from Don't Look Under the Bad. And I'll preface this story by telling you it's kind of a scary story. Put my little reading glasses on because they're family.

These belong on my face. They're family. And this story is called the taxidermist. And basically, real quickly, it's about an aging taxidermist who's doing his final job. He gets hired by a wealthy family that owned a circus. and they're closing up the circus and one of the big attractions from their circus was this chimpanzee who was very famous in the circus

but now this chimpanzee is old he's about three months away if not three weeks away from dying anyways and so to memorialize the success of the circus the family wants this this chimpanzee who you know as chimps get older they get fairly large they want it taxidermied.

And so it's his final job, and for a lot of money, they hire this taxidermist named Sigmund because he's very good at what he does. And Sigmund takes the job because it's a big payday. It's kind of his retirement payday. And the only hook is, because the chimp's still alive, and they want the body to be fresh and they want it to be taxidermied,

Sigmund for the first time in his career has to go and put down the animal he's going to taxidermy. They give him like a, you know, a tranquilizer gun, and he has to actually go to a facility and shoot the animal and then, you know, do what he does. He has to stuff it full of sawdust. And so even though he's sort of hesitant to do it, he decides this will be his retirement fund and he's going to do it, but it doesn't sit easy with him. him, and then what happens is in a twilight zone-ish kind of way, I'm going to spoil the story a little bit, the chimpanzee comes back to life and decides to turn the tables on Sigman,

the taxidermist, and stuff him and give him a taste of his own medicine. So here's a scene where Sigmund's laying in bed. he's been having nightmares he feels like he's seen the chimpanzee who's been hanging down in his refrigerated locker waiting to be stuffed for some reason he feels like he saw its eyes move or he saw it twitch or come to life

and so he's been having nightmares and his taxidermy shop is down in his basement he's worked there his whole career and he stores the carcasses of the animals he's going to work on in a large walk-in refrigerator. And so here's an excerpt from the taxidermist from Don't Look Under the Bad. Sigmunds slowly looked down at his sleeping arm and twisted it sideways so as to be able to see his inner forearm.

It was in this moment that Sigmund turned cold and clammy, his blood pressure dropping like an anchor. On the inside of his forearm, Sigmund could see a dark line running from his inner elbow down to his bony wrist. Like a black twisting cancer-filled vein, the line protruded from his skin, pink and swollen. It didn't take more than half a second for Sigmund to recognize the black laceration on his soft white flesh. He knew instantly it was a line of crudely soon stitches. He recognized the cross pattern of every stitch. He recognized his own thread. Like a miniature crooked railroad track weaving down his own arm, Sigmund was racked with utter horror and disbelief. Why were there stitches running down the length of his arm? Instantly, he pulled the clumsily knitted stitching and

ripped it open, tearing at it with reckless abandon. The pain was even more unbearable now, and Sigmund screamed out loud, only to be silenced again in the next second as the macabre nature of his situation became clearer. The old man could not believe what lay before him. His own arm had been cut open and stripped of its bone and flesh, replaced with sawdust, which now leaked from the hole that he had torn open in his own skin.

Trace amounts of his own blood stained some of the sawdust as it overflowed from the painful gash he had just opened up. The amateur stitching pulled open, sada spilling onto the already messed up sheets. Sigmund came to the horrific realization that someone had taxidermined his arm while he was under the spell of powerful sleeping pills. Frozen with fear,

the old man quite literally did not know what to do. He was going into shock, but even shock, have to wait. For now, his ears detected sound, sound that forced him to stay invested in the moment, sounds that demanded he stay clear and present. From the far end of his bed, behind the footboard and obscured from his view, Sigmund could hear a distinct grunting and semi-grawl of man's closest cousin, the chimpanzee. The grunting came in low, rumbling waves, ambiguous at first, but then slowly transforming in pitch,

segwaying into definite anger and aggression, becoming slightly louder and more threatening. Sigmund deliberately pulled his legs up towards his chest, retaliating in fear, trying to move his body away from the direction of the sounds. And then, just like that, the frightening grunts and growls morphed again, into something different, a tone that felt almost humanly familiar. Now, it sounded like the chimp had somehow learned to mimic human laughter. Yes, as Sigmund cowered in his blood-soaked sheets, the chimp emitted some sickly, mocking chuckles that seemed to be nothing less than evil laughter.

Sigmund pulled his sheets over him as best he could with only one functioning hand, He stared wide-eyed at the end of his bed, like a child waiting for a train to emerge from a tunnel. His heart was pounding. Then suddenly, like a hairy tarantula, four hairy fingers carefully crawled over the end of the footboard. Each finger walking its way along the wood, grasping tightly. And then slowly, like a full moon sliding into the night sky from behind the horizon. The chimpanzee rose into view. Its head, face, shoulders, then its whole body rising like a car on a hydraulic lift, smoothly until it stood fully erect. It slumped shoulders supporting its enlarged head.

Sigmund was in utter disbelief. He had no choice but to call out and challenge the very existence of this unexplainable moment. Who are you? Go away, I tell you! His voice was cracking with fear, yet there was an underlying authority to his tone. The chimp stood motionless, like a shadow with no source.

What do you want here? I will call the police! Sigmund became more challenging. The chimpanzee responded by cracking the slightest of smiles as much as a chimpanzee can smile. Its broken teeth reflected the light that was coming in through the window. Sigmund recoiled even further into his headboard.

The smile reminded him of a crooked jack-o-lantern smirk. Go away, Sigmund hollered. The chimp responded by blasting a short Huff of Air through its nose, its nostrils flaring open and then closing again immediately. I'm calling the police, and screamed with more anger than he realized he had within him. He grabbed for the phone on the night table and picked up the receiver in his remaining good hand.

It became quickly apparent that he was going to have difficulty dialing 911 without the use of his other hand. The chimp responded by raising something in its own hand. Slowly, it lifted one of its hands into view. Clasps in its thumb and forefinger was a long, silver, four-inch taxidermy needle. A long strand of black thread hung from the eye of the needle. My God, you can't be here. You're dead.

Sigmund whispered out loud. The chimp moved forward. It's one good eye glaring at Sigmund with disdain and spite. Sigmund was too busy staring at the other eye. The eye the chimp had sewn shut on its own. It was crumpled and sloppy, the stitching uneven and primitive. Even in this horrific moment, Sigmund could not shut off his professionalism, his attention to detail. After dedicating 45 years of his life to the art of taxidermy,

he was almost more appalled by the bastardization of the stitching than the existence of the chimp itself. What have you done? What matter of beast are you? Yes, he had said it aloud. Beast. No longer a creature, but a beast. The chimp responded with a loud, threatening bark, the stink of its stale, dead breath washing over Sigmund. A faint hint of freezer burn mingled somewhere in the putrid odor.

Sigmund jumped, held his breath, and waited for what was next. He felt like he was going insane. A dead ape at the foot of his bed, and he was assessing the quality of the taxidermy to its hide. He had to dial the phone. He had to get the police. The living dead thing at the end of his bed watched through a corroded eye as Sigmund attempted to dial the phone clumsily with one hand.

It didn't help that Sigmund's hand was severely shaking. The chimp started waving the needle and thread back and forth. intimidating Sigmund as he made his last effort to get help. A long strand of chrisman drool slowly dripped from the chimp's mouth and further soiled the already blood-spattered sheets. There you go. There you go. That's sort of a bit of the climax of the story.

There's more to come and there's a great build-up to, I've always been fascinated with nature and animals and, you know, the art of taxidermy is certainly a peculiar art form, is it not? I mean, we've all been to the museum when we were kids and you see the stuffed buffalo and the grizzly bear and the lion. And it's just such an odd, weird thing. These were once living creatures and they look so realistic and so good. We almost want them to be alive. We sort of pretend they're alive. And, you know, you have to think, at least I always thought at the end of that display, that stuffed animal, there once was a real thriving animal with a personality and a life and a function and a meaning in life. And now it's just this

kind of statue frozen in time. And I always thought it was a bit sad and a bit unfair and a bit cruel. And I thought, God, that's human beings. Who are we? We're so superior over every other life form that we just stuff them and put them in a glass box and look at them. Ooh. So that was the impetus of this story. I was like, well, what if the tables were turned? How would you like it, buddy? If you were stuffed, huh? And so I kind of created this sort of horror genre for that to take place and that's just three pages of the story. The story is actually, I think it's about 60 pages long, but just a sampling, for those of you that have been wondering,

and for those of you that haven't, that's a little taste of my writing. Again, I don't know if it's good or bad. I didn't train as a writer. I didn't study writing in school. I just know I have a passion for it. I like it, and my books are full of equally peculiar stories that sort of have twist endings and unpredictable trajectories.

And if that interests you at all, if you want to hear the rest of the story, or you want to read some of the other ones, I invite you to go to Amazon.com and just type in Harland Williams book, Don't Look Under the Bed or Journeys, which is the latest one, and Crave, which is another one. And although some of the stories are grizzly,

and horror theme, they're not all that way. They're not all dark. Some of them are enlightening. Some of them are provocative. Some of them are science fiction. Some of them are zombies. Some of them, I try to kind of cover the genres because I get bored easily. I just don't want to be a writer who does one genre.

So I kind of hop all around in my books. And hopefully in doing that, it keeps you guys engaged and interested because with every story, it's kind of a whole new, hopefully I succeed in exposing you to a whole new kind of adventure. So if any of you want to check it out, I'm always interested in feedback. And if you want to leave a review on Amazon.com or you want to leave a comment in this podcast and let me know what you think. I'm sort of bracing myself, you know.

Some of you might be mean. But be honest. I don't mind the honesty if you're like, Williams, really? stick to stand-up comedy, man. You're no Hemingway, bro. Or if some of you like it or you're in the middle, you know, I'm interested to see because this is new. I've just sort of exposed the world to this stuff in the last year.

I've been sitting on some of these stories for decades. In fact, I'll give you a little hint. The taxidermy story is the first story I ever wrote. And I've been sitting on it since I was about 22 years old. I wrote it in college. I studied animation in college, but they taught a secretary course in college. And at one end of the college, if you went upstairs, they had a field of electric typewriters. There must have been 70, and students would go up there and learn how to be secretaries and whatever else.

and so I would sneak up there and look for an empty typewriter, and I would write. And the taxidermy story is the first story. I wrote it when I was 21, and now, and that's a long time. So once I put this one out, I just started opening the floodgates, and I said, you know what, I'm doing one, I'm just going to keep writing. So now I can't get enough of it. and if you guys like it, I'm going to keep putting more out. And even if you don't like it, I'm going to be putting more out.

Because I got to provide for my family. Nothing can stop the family. If I don't write from my fellow, God, get over it. Yeah. Anyways, this is the new year. And, you know, we started the podcast about, six, seven months ago, and I kind of looked at like 2022 as kind of the building it, seeing if it was going to work, seeing if people were interested in it, seeing if people

wanted to come and be on the podcast with me. And I'm happy to announce that things are going in a really good direction. People are responding to the show. They're liking it. A lot of my comedy friends and people who I asked to come on the show are coming on. and we're having a great time. And so this year, 2023, we're going to have a really great list of guests and some repeat guests from the first year.

But we're getting more and more into the flow. And so I want to say thank you to you guys who have shown up. For those of you who have subscribed to the show, please, if you haven't, subscribe, please alert your friends to the existence of the show. I want to bring in more and more people, A, so I can build it bigger, and B, just so that everyone out there can have some free content. Most of the shows are comedy-driven, so we want people to have some fun and laugh and be scared of creepy taxidermy chimpanzees and all that madness.

So let's wrap. it up. I want to say happy New Year to everyone. Go out there and kick some ass. Don't be afraid to step out of your box. Try some new things. Go to new places. Meet some new people. Don't be afraid. Life only comes by once. You got to go for it. Do what you want to do. Be who you want to be. And here's my little saying that I gave to myself when I was a lot younger. I created. I created this saying, and I'll share it with you. I always say, live life. Don't let life live you. Well, now that's right. So there you go. That's it for today. Let's hit the theme music. Thank you for being here. And until next time, everybody, chicken chamein, baby.

Did you like that? You know, you'd look a little bit like a little monkey. Yeah, but a dirty one, like a dirty, bald. It's like somebody stole a chimpanzee from the zoo. Yeah, I'm talking to you, little Coco. And it looks like somebody, like, put, like, shaving cream all over you, shaved you up, bald, and this was what was under the hair. You, freak boy.

Well, same to you. And we're out. You want a banana.