The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #40 - LISA ALVARADO, Comedian, Podcaster

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Comedian Lisa Alvarado talks about being dead and coming back to life. Also, has she gone Forensic Files crazy! It's a great ride and lot's of laughs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Um, I did die once. You murdered yourself? No, on stage several times. Wait, what? No, I actually, I, I died. Like, officially was no heartbeat, no breathing, and was revived and brought back to life. How long were you dead? I don't know.

So you're a zombie. I'm sitting here talking to a zombie. Yes, that's why I need the makeup. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Tight on the Harland Highway Show Harland Williams Yep, here we are. Now, that's right, ladies and gentlemen,

you are right here on the Harland Highway and extra special, can I call you juicy? Can you be a juicy guest? I would love to be juicy. Really? Yeah. Extra special, juicy guest. comedian, television producer, writer, Lisa Alvarado.

Yeah. How would I say it with the little Spanish flick, though? I know I'm not supposed to, but... No, roll the R. Roll it. Alvarado. Wow. Can you do that with your song?

I'm not a woodpecker, so no, I can't. I mean, that sounded like a wild woodpecker, actually, and I can get specific, pecking its face into a birch tree in northern Canada. That's how specific your was. That was a quiet one though. Yeah, but I don't need to be,

you know, doing a jackhammer sound to say someone's name. No, but it's sexier if you do it that way. Lisa Alvar. See, you got it.

I feel like we're a couple of rattlesnakes on a hot Arizona night. You got to shake your butt when you do it. That wasn't your butt. That was not your butt, what I just saw. That's true.

Do that again and I'll roll the R. Right. There we go. Okay. How are you, sun sparkles? I'm good. I am good. You are? I love these nicknames. I know.

Can I call you sparky? Sure. Does it mean anything? No. You're sparkly. Yeah, but you're sun sparkly. Oh, I'm a little bit. Yeah, I'm more.

I sparkle more, but it's makeup. No, you got, you look great. You have beautiful earrings. Tell me about the earring process. Most of the guys watching, and I don't even know I'm asking, but what's the, what's the earring process? How does a woman single out the earrings? What determines the size of the hoop, the dingle of the dangle, the wangle of the wangle,

the bingledy bungledy fungledy bunga? There's a lot of theories. You know what? I think that some guys think that the bigger the hoop, the crazy or the girl. So these are pretty big, but they're not touching my shoulder crazy. Oh, yeah. Are there some that big? So they're like mid-range crazy, I think.

Yeah. Yeah. And also ethnicity, if you're, if you're Latina, if you're black women were really huge hoops too. Oh my God. I saw a woman with hoops like almost touching her shoulder. I was out walking the other day. Uh-huh. And I threw a football through one of them.

Yeah. And I won a stuffed animal. I want a little panda bear. Did you? Yeah, I just put it right through the hoop and I want to, she had a bunch of prizes in her shirt. Did she scratch her eyes out? No. She did it?

She was happy to give me a prize. You're going to hang. Oops. It's like if you wear a balloon on your face, I'm going to throw a dart in your face. That's. I want the prize, baby. You're going to get it. I'm sure. Daddy's got carnival on the mind. Look, and these for Latinas, these earrings, they also double for birth control, you know, like a new ring. So in a pinch.

So you could stick that? Yeah. And kill spermies? Yeah. So now I'm going to look at women with earrings and just think, oh, I love your sperm killers. Yes. Why not? God. I know. We come equipped.

The next black tie affair I go to, and I go to many. Don't you look elegant tonight, Mrs. Daniels? Where did you get those golden sperm killers? Thanks a lot. I know. Well, you asked. I know, but I thought it would be like, oh, well, I have a jewelry box. It was passed down from my great grandmother. And depending on the month of the day, I like to remember her.

And instead I get like spermicide head. Yes, that's me. I have to worry about these things. I'm an empty nester. I don't want any more. So we went from some sparkle to spermicide head in less than a minute. I like it. I like that's kind of a graphic nickname.

And now I feel bad. So now you've got to give me sort of a bluish sort of nickname. Let me see. Do you have chest hair? Let's go with that first. Not many. I've got about seven. And two of them are plugs. Do one of our plugs?

I think I could see the plugs because they're not great. They're red, yeah. Because I was going to call you hairy chest. I wasn't sure of your, but they're not that. That's not direct. That's not sort of like mean. In this day and age, don't you think? What do you mean?

I love a hairy chest, but there's so many women that do not like a hairy chest. Why? Why do you love a hairy chest? Because it just looks like a man. You know what I mean? Like all these guys are all shaven and stuff and stubbly. It's just, I don't like it. Oh, like the cut bodybuilder dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but even if they're not ripped and they shave their, a lot of guys shave their chest now, and I don't like it. I'm one of the few women that actually likes a hairy chest, so that's not enough for me. Okay, so. We'll have to paste some more on there. Well, I'll get some more plugs done. Trust me.

Yeah, I'm heading over to the plug shop right after this podcast. Podcast and plug day is what this is. Yeah. Okay, but I got to know, because I've never run my hand. through a hairy chest, what is that sensation like and what's going through your head when you're rubbing, rubbing your fingers through a hairy chest, a Robin Williams-like chest? Well, okay, there's degrees. Like, if it stays to the front of the body, that's pretty sexy. When it starts to migrate to the neck area and all down the back, then that's excessive.

So if it's like in between. So you need a few more plugs. But like the perfect chest hair is not crazy where you can't, where you got your fingers in it and you're not reaching skin. Yeah. And you've been in there for five minutes and you're still not reaching skin. It's too much. Okay.

It's too much. You don't want to be rolling around with like Teen Wolf. Yeah. No. Does you ever sniff it? Does it stink? Do I sniff it? Well, I mean, if there's a lot of people, it's about senses, right?

So if you're going to stick your fingers in it, why won't you bury your face deep in the forest? and take a big pine tree sniff. What does it smell like? Hopefully it smells good, cleavage oil. I think that's what I have. Oh, really? On a hot day. On a hot day.

Every woman, yeah. Cleavage soup. Yes, it is soupy down there. Really? Yeah, it sucks. You accumulate moisture in your cleavage? Oh, yeah. Don't you?

Well, no, I got hair to absorb it. I got seven. You only have seven of them. That's not going to absorb much. They suck it up. It's enough. It's enough for me. It's enough to wrap.

them around the boots. I do corn rolls. That's true. You should slip them down with some gel during summer. But wait, how much water? This isn't, see, this is another new revelation. First, they get the earrings. Now you can accumulate water in your cleavage.

Yeah. Women in summertime, we have, our bras are usually wet. They're like, they're like wet pads, if you will. Like it's just holding up. apparatus and it's just wet underneath because you got that fold under the boob oh it's underneath the moisture I thought it was down in the valley well but it's under the boulders yeah it's under the boulders it's under the melons the melons and the bouldered wow yeah kiwi whatever you got you know what's cool about this though have you

ever watched these these tv shows I shouldn't be alive or I survive you know on the discovery channel people they get lost in the desert or in the jungle No. And they have to drink their own pee. Oh, that stuff? That's such a guy thing to watch. I know, but. Women just don't, we don't concern ourselves with that.

And you know why you don't concern? Because because you have reservoirs of drinkable water under the boulders. I didn't see, this is what I didn't know. Your bra absorbs into the cloth, that succulent moisture, that teat moisture is what they call it teats. Yeah, it's teat sweat. It's teat sweat. And you could ring that out and drink and survive. You know, I've never been put in that situation,

but I'm excited now because I didn't even think of it that way. You can thank me next time you're in a helicopter crash or your plane goes down. I'm going to thank you right now. Yeah. And why wait? Well, then let's hear it. Thank you, Harlan. I didn't know that I could drink my bra sweat.

Like, I just thought it was a nuisance. Well, since you're thanking me. and yeah you're very welcome i was a mom so i used to have the real stuff you know what do you mean you were a mom well i'm done now oh oh how old he's out of the house is he are you happy as hell yeah oh my gosh i love it really you kicked him out it sounds like pretty much yeah it sounds like you might have duct taped him and dragged him out of the house pretty much yeah and i only had one i'm terrible how old was he when you abduct when you got him out of the house He left for college at 18 and kind of stayed with my mom here and there, but mostly he stayed on campus.

And so it was, he was a drivable distance. He went to C-Sons, so it was, it was drivable. It was 45 minutes. So you had none of that. Oh, the birdies left the nest syndrome? No, I definitely missed him, but it was fantastic. Finally, I've been a single mom the entire time, so being pregnant in your teeth. teenage years. I never got the party years. I never got the travel over. Oh, okay. So now that he left,

I'm like, woo-hoo. Yes, exactly. The earrings. I can do it all. Now I can suck on my bra. There's all sorts of things, Harlan. Wow. I'm learning. Life begins for you today. I know. This is amazing. Wow. And I'm done. And I get to someday, hopefully, have grandkids. And I am not afraid of that. I'm actually really excited. People are like, you're going to be a grandma soon. I'm like, I hope so. Oh, wow. Because it's the best part of being, like you did all the really hard stuff. Then you get to cradle this little baby and give it back.

That's right. If I could give my son back every time I got pissed or tired or worn out, that would be the best parenting. Give them back. No. But so this, I can't wait. Wait. So what was the hardest part of having a kid? Like, what was the toughest?

All of it. Oh, my gosh. I think doing it alone, it's just the exhaustion. Oh, yeah. You can't go here. You take them for an hour. I need a break. There's none of that.

There's just you over and over and over. So tired, hungry, crabby, not sleeping, sick. That's all you. Could I say two words? No. Yes. It's your podcast. Jolly Jumper.

Jolly Jumper? Yes. Those little jumpy things? Is that like the swing in the bedroom? No, you hang it in a door frame, and it's on like springs, and you sit the kid in it, and he jumps up and down, he bounces up and down, and then if he's a brat, if he won't stop screaming, you grab him by the legs,

pull him backwards, and shoot him across the street to the neighbor's house. That sounds awesome. You've never heard of Jolly Jumper? Isn't that the thing that made the kids' legs go numb? Probably. I think that's called him. Abilical cord asphyxiation is what that is. It also made their legs go blue.

Yeah, I didn't have his cord cut until he was like 14. You left the umbilical cord on until he was 14? I did. You know how parents have those ropes? Yeah. I just kept him on the end. Let him around on meat. Yes.

Wow. Because then I could feed him while I'm eating. Yeah, you could just plug into yourself. I didn't have to cook. Yeah, you didn't even have to prepare them. Just plug them in and let them start suckling on your juices the way he did in old womb town. Wombed out.

Could you feel them? That's one thing I'm jealous about as a dude, to not ever know what it feels like to have a human baby. And I'll preface that by saying I did go for an ultrasound once because I was having cramps. And to my surprise I had, I didn't have a human baby, but I had 12 golden retriever puppies.

Oh, I can see that. I gave them all the friends, and they loved it. It was a great Christmas. Some of them still have the puppies. Did you cry? When you had to give them away? I didn't cry because they were, they were a lot of work.

I mean, you had one. I had a litter. I had a litter, yeah. That's crazy. And you only have two nipples? That must have been hard. Well, you haven't seen you with the shirt off. There's a reason why I don't have more hair.

Yeah, I've got two lines of teat. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, you should, you know, people breastfeed out in public? Yeah. People would get so mad at me because I'd rip the shirt off on the subway. and I'd have like, you know, six on each side, just suckling my teats right on the subway. And they, hey, you shouldn't be breastfeeding in public.

And I'm going to screw you. They're growing puppies. And, you know, just. They need nourishment. They need their milk. They got to go hunting for ducks when they get older. I'm sure that was so, you should just have, like, covered them a little bit with a, like, I just, no.

I'm a proud mother father. You know what I did? The guy on the subway that gave me a hard time, when I got off, you know how the subway doors closed, and the puppies under the arms. And just as the doors were closing, I turned around, stuck my teeth in the door, the door closed, squirted the guy, sick streams of puppy milk going right in and all over him. It was unbelievable. Oh, my gosh.

And he wasn't wearing earrings. Was it on the news? No, it was on him. Milk. I want some of that. You'll get some. Just behave yourself. Okay.

Well, I guess, I guess. on the podcast. I want a full glass. You're going to get some chest hairs and puppy milk. But wait, describe to me and the boys watching and the ladies that haven't had a human infant child inside of them. Like, what's it feel? Like, was yours a kicker?

Did yours do cartwheels? Did he do any Cirque de Soleil bullshit? Was he? Yeah. He was really active, especially around, I'd say, four to six months, you know? Why then? I don't know. I think that they get, they get so big in the womb around eight months, seven months, eight months, that it's harder for them to move around.

And so you'll just feel like you'll see a hand just kind of come out the side of your stomach and stuff like that. You're hoping it's a hand. I mean, I had a son, so. It's so Freddie Krueger. The quads. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

How sweet. Fresh meat. Yeah. Oh, God. Were you ever terrified? Like you wake up in the. middle of the night and your eyes open and they're just a there's a hand coming up like out of your stomach that's uh no i mean i i loved it but at times you couldn't there were positions

positions you couldn't be in like you couldn't go on your side because your stomach was so heavy yeah after a while and then slide off the bad and then you know what's weird is because they're in your stomach area when they get bigger they get pushed up into your ribs sometimes so he would kick and I'd be like, oh, motherfucker, that's my rib. What did you call your boy? Yeah. What? Yeah.

What'd you call him? He was a mofo. Before he was even out into the world. Yes, of course. Oh, harsh. I can't help him. I'm surprised he didn't leave home like as soon as he came out of you. I kept asking him to.

He just popped out and he's like, you call him me a motherfucker late. And then he tried to run, but it was like, borgant because you kept him on the umbilical cord. You're like, come back here, little boy. That's right. Yep. Come back. Oh, wow. Can we just, can we agree on this to hate the, the word womb?

Or do you like it? Because I have real, I get, I don't know why I get queasy saying womb. No, womb, vulva. They have some weird words for, yeah. Philopian sounds like, I picture like Dutch people in later hosen skipping around flowers. Super accurate. The fallopian festival or something. I know.

They have all sorts of like weird. Where does womb? come from? I don't know. It's like Inspector Cluso, do you have a womb? Do you have a womb? They're in the womb. Do I have a what?

A loom. A room? That's what I said, a womb. Remember that? Yeah, I do remember. You did a good Inspector Cluceau. I didn't know. You have so many skills.

I learned it in the womb. I, uh, how many brothers and sisters do you have? I have four sisters. Four sisters. And six puppies. Okay. Do they all have kids? Uh,

Two of the Mev kids. Okay. Did you ever feel the belly when the kid was kicking? I don't remember. I don't, because I was, I had moved. I had moved away down here. Because you're selfish. I'm selfish and I didn't want to be near the womb babies.

I know. But I think I have felt a stomach before. I think that's why I asked it's, it's such a surreal. It's like, you remember in high school when you had a globe? Yeah. It's almost like feeling a globe,

but someone's, one of the kids stuck gum in and it won't turn. It just feels like that big. round feels like I have my hand on India or Russia or Pakistan or Greenland depending on where I touched the the big bulge yes yeah it is it's a very weird experience and then and then you know childbirth is another totally weird crazy experience I don't even know is that alcohol you're gonna need alcohol I don't know why I'm going down this road you started this no this next question and I've never asked a

woman this in my life, but since we're talking about childbirth and your little baby that you kicked out. Yeah. What's the deal with the water breaking, man? Like I've heard that term. It's another term, womb, fallopian, and then the water breaking. Yeah. What the hell? I don't, do I need to know the answer to this? What is it? You know, it happened weird to me because when I see you ask and you're already cringing. They want to know. It's not me, them. These freaks, look at these freaks, look at, look at freaks, water-sucking freaks. Water-breaking. It's weird because it happens differently for every woman that's pregnant.

So some women have to go into the hospital and they're already having contractions and their water hasn't broken. So the doctor has to do it manually, which might be a little easier than being in public and then it happens. But wait, back it up. So I hate to sound like such an... idiot but the water is what is it actually water it's it's actually clean and it's it's just it looks like water it's your your body accumulates like this little it's like a cushion for the baby like a water bed yeah it's just like a water bed spoiled yeah i know right so they're lay in but now it's foam they're laying on the on the yeah so what are the one of those those those mattresses

That was a foam pillow. Yeah. And so the baby's laying on a little... Yeah, it's like a... It's like a... It's a water balloon, basically. Wow. So it's encased in like a...

Yes, it's encased. In what? Skin or flam or... I don't know. Maybe that's part of the... Tocco. What is it? It might be the placenta.

Tacos, you're getting hotter. Yeah. That's where it starts. And then is it like, you know how... You know what when crocodiles come out of the egg? They have that thing, like they, they call it the egg cutting tooth. They have a little, they have like a little beak and they like use it to pierce the eggshell.

The babies have a little like a little, like a little claw on their nose and they puncture the water band. Yeah, that's why they don't have teeth. They lose all of their teeth because they're chewing their way through. Oh, God. How does it break though? Okay, so I think that once your body starts contracting, it just knows to do that. how your body knows how to produce milk for when the baby's born.

Like, you don't actually start to produce the milk, I don't think. Yeah. It's not like I started producing milk at 15, and then I had them at 18. Yeah. It's not like a phone app. It's like, right, yeah. Breast milk. Wouldn't that be awesome?

But you got the breast milk for the doggies. Yeah. So I went in for an exam, and it happened to be a Friday. And the doctor wanted me to have, he was such a jerk. He wanted me to have the baby. over the weekend because he wasn't working that weekend. So when I went in, here I was a kid. I'm on the table.

How old were you? 18. Oh, wow. Young mom. Yeah, he puts his whole hand up in there, turning the baby to make me start to go into contractions, going to labor early. So he wouldn't have to be. So he never delivered the baby.

Are you telling me? It was the doctor on call. A human man or woman? Can reach right up. Oh, yeah. And position a child to his likings. Yes, especially if the baby's breach, they can get their whole hand up there and start moving the baby, like moving the baby's head down.

Good God. Yeah, it's horrible and it's very painful. I bet. Not only have you got a human being up there, now you got like this much of a guy up there. I didn't say that much, but. How far is it to baby land? I didn't measure, but I'm assuming it's just the hand. I would think, you know, baby's, baby land's probably at least that far, isn't it?

What do you talk? Where do you think my uterus is up here? Well, wait. The baby land is not. He's grabbing onto almost his elbow. You said almost up into your ribs. So I'm thinking if you're starting at the Grand Canyon, we should measure. And you're going up to Babyland, it can't be that close.

Well, I mean, the uterus starts here. I don't think he was like, the what starts there? The uterus starts. Great band, by the way. The uterus starts here. Yeah. I've seen them twice. You have?

Yeah, really good. Too loud, but yeah. So he gets up, he turns. Yeah, he's like turning my son, making sure that he is basically getting me to go into contractions early. So he can go golf. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. So the next day, I was taking a shower, getting ready for work, and I was waitressing because I was broke. Oh, God.

His father wasn't really sick. sticking around. I'm a kid. And I, the next day I'm showering, getting ready for work. And I was, had a towel wrapped around me. Thank God. I was in my house still. I didn't leave for work. And the water broke right there. And it just felt, I mean, not to be graphic, but it just feels like you're peeing on yourself because it's really warm. But then when I look down, it's totally clean and it doesn't smell. It's like, it's purified water. I mean, how could a baby stink? It hasn't even been in the world yet.

Yeah. Of course it's clean. But it's not the baby. It's your body's cushion for the child before it comes out into the world. And then so once that breaks, there can be complications if you don't get into it. Because that's protecting the baby. So even though I wasn't having contractions yet, I had to go to the hospital. Because once your water breaks, that's step one.

I wonder if the guy who owns Mypillow.com had like a home. of my pillow up under his baby no i think he had like i don't want to be political but probably i don't know satan holding him up in there oh wow okay big difference yeah pillow satan pillows okay yeah pillow guy yeah yeah wow that's see this and and so it just comes out and you got and you went to work you had to go to work please tell me you worked at an olive garden no what was the restaurant I was waitressing at this place because I'm from Chicago, so it was in the burbs of Chicago called Al's Hideaway Lodge. It was Al Capone's where he supposedly used to hide out with his game. Al's Hideaway Lodge. Also the Latin term for Womb. Yes. How did you know that?

You're so smart. I'm a scholar and school. Went to DeVry. You like the word. You like the word womb. I don't. You've said it like 27 times. I know. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off,

one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I wonder, yeah, it's too bad the belly button doesn't open from the inside because then you could have a womb with a V-E-E-R-E-E-R-E. That's perfect. I like that. Too soon. All right, let's get off the areas, right? Can we go back to the earrings and the makeup?

What kind of foundation do you wear? Because I'm into Sephora. I'm wearing Cat Von D's Midnight Star Splash right now. And I just feel like it evens out my skin and tones me out. Yeah, no, that's why I called you sparky. Oh, that's why. You could tell I was wearing Cat Von D's Midnight Star Splash. Yeah, well, Sephora just had a sale so I could totally tell. Oh, wow. It's a good color. Thanks. I think it brings out my eyes.

It goes with my fall colors. Speaking of makeup and looks, you had long hair the last time I saw you. That's right. What did you do with that rat tail that you cut off the back of your head? Because that was... Well, during COVID, I grew my hair down to here, and it was a rat tail. It looked like Kenny G was terminally ill. on an island and caught SARS from a seagull.

I hope you can put up a picture of that because what did you do with that thing? I'll tell you what happened. They have these things where you can donate your hair to sick people who have gone through radiation or chemotherapy. And I thought, well, let me do my part. And there was this person who needed like an artificial wig to replace their hair. And I felt so good about myself. And they put it on and they drove their car off a cliff.

Yeah, they should have. And so they would have lasted longer had they just stuck with the leukemia. Right, exactly. That thing I was going to say, how could you be so mean is to give them your rat tail? You want to hear a funny story. So when I was in, when I was starting out in comedy, like the first three years or four years, I had long, when my hair was brown, it was even longer. It was like down to here.

Down to your six teeth? 12. It just brushed the tip of my six areola eyes. And I was moving, I was up in Toronto, I was up in Canada, and I knew I was making the move to Hollywood. Yeah. And I thought, man, I'm going to Hollywood and I'm doing stand-up, but like all of us, you hope that it parlayes into acting, right?

Right. You wanted to segue you into acting and TV and movies, and I thought, I love my long hair, but I'm up here in Canada. at that time there was no entertainment industry hardly at all like there wasn't tv and movie opportunities all in the states so i thought i don't want to limit my possibilities so i'll cut my my hair off and so i put it in a big ponytail i cut out i had this big long ponytail yeah and at the same time the just for laughs comedy festival in montreal which is like the biggest comedy festival in the world

they opened a museum a comedy museum and so They wrote to all the comics that have participated in the festival, and I was fortunate enough to be part of that, and I've done it like 20 times since. But they said, do you have anything you want to donate that's personal that we could put in the museum? And I thought, well, I got, what's more personal than my ponytail? You know, because the first time I did the festival,

and they televised it, I had the long air. Right. So I remember I got a baggie, one of those, you know, the Ziploc baggies, and I put my greasy ponytail in it. I mailed it to them thinking, oh, what a treasure. No one else would imagine if you had a lock of the Beatles hair or Pope John's hair. Now you get all of Harland Williams, magnificent, flowing pony tail. Oh, my goodness.

And I don't know what I was thinking, you know, because you have these grandiose notions that you're going to be the next Brad Pitt or somebody. You have to. You got to swing high, right? And so I sent this thing. thinking, oh, what a gift for them and people going through the museum. Oh, look at that ponytail. And I, you know, I heard back from the head guy Bruce Hills.

He just went, yeah, that was a good joke. Yeah, we made sure we threw it and burned it or something. I was just, I was so mortified. Like, he totally missed it. And I never said a word. That was a great joke. Yeah, that put my ego in, in the place before I left for Hollywood. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. But what's your foundation? What do you wear? If you want to tell, some people don't want, some ladies don't tell their beauty secret. I actually don't even remember what it's called. I'm not, I'm not a good, I know how to put makeup on, but I'm not good at like the names. I just kind of grab.

Can I guess? Because I'm, as you know, I'm as you can tell. You're an expert. Yeah, you should guess. I think what you have on is Cat Von Dees, Summer Moon Dust. I have the same that you're wearing. No, I have a Midnight Star Splash. Cat Von D's from her Sephora line.

I can't keep it straight. Star Splash, but you have Summer's Eve moon dust by Cap Von D. Summer's Eve is also a douche. Yeah, thanks a lot. Yeah. You so far, you've called me a douche. Sperman. Sperm head. This is getting better and better, guys.

She puts douche on her face. That's what it keeps her looking so young. Oh, yeah. You got to imagine that. You just deuce your face. Yeah. Forget about facials. Forget about massages.

Just do shit. I'm terrible. Like, I'm not the kind of girl that even really, I usually just fall asleep with my makeup on and that's, that's horrible for you. Is that a cardinal sand? I don't care. I think it is. What does it do, though? Does it just, because I don't wear that much.

I've done it. Like, I've done enough TV shows and movies that. I'm a dude. So I'll come home from the set. And I did a couple of movies where I had to be a woman. So I came home like caked and I just flop into bed. No one told me you have to do all this girly stuff. and I'd wake up in the morning

and there'd be a face print on my pillows so it'd be like I fell asleep on the shroud of Turin or something. Yeah. It's creepy. It's when I would only take my makeup off if I had to get rid of evidence, like, yeah, if I want to kill somebody, like a dude, yeah. Oh, really? Have you thought of murder?

Of course. Every woman thinks of murdering an ex. Of course. Like you, it's, we don't always do it. How many have you done, though? I mean, just two. I'm working on the third. Hey, no, this has been a really great time.

My ladies and gentlemen, Lisa Alvarado. Call me one more name. I would, but we really have to get going. Wow. Do they really? Women want to just. We fantasize about that stuff. It's crazy.

Have you ever plotted out the perfect murder scenario? In my mind, I think I have. What is it? I want to hear this. What would it be? It's always very personal. Women don't go for general, big, showy, or, like, we're never the serial killer. Just one guy.

Just that one guy that hurt us. But what's your plan to do it and get away with it? Have you mapped out how it goes down? Well, I've been studying them, you know, like Lorena, she's fantastic. And then you remember the woman that was the astronaut that drove across, In a diaper, remember that? In a diaper. That's the kind of commitment women have.

When we decide we're going to do some shit, we commit. We'll put on a day. We'll do whatever we need to do. When you murder in a diaper, that is committed. Maybe her water was about to break and she didn't want to leave any DNA. That's true. That's true. Wow.

Yeah, it's more so like something personal. Usually you start by maybe killing their animal. Oh, right. Like, what was that? What was that movie? Just to kill the animal, but to feed it to them. Like she stopped because she was white. She didn't go full Latina.

Oh, right. So the Latinas go even nuttier? Right. So, like, we might, you know, grab their cat. I don't like cats anyway, so I would definitely kill a cat. Yeah. How would you kill it? Boil it?

Like, what was that thing, fatal instinct, that movie where she boiled the rabbit? Would you boil it up? I don't know. Maybe I would get a BB gun. Whatever is faster. You don't boil it till after when you've got to feed it to them. You want the joy of murdering it first and then boiling it. Yeah. I'd bring it to you to skin it because you seem like you have that skill.

Yeah, I'm a skin person. Yeah, I've worked in the bush. I could, I could, I've worked in the bush. I have. Excuse you? Good night, Nellie Frittato and the three street band, if that's even a thing. I love how you slurp that. she said.

Yep. And so, and then you, like, Latinas, we don't just stop at the little thing. We go further. Like, we actually cook it and make them eat it and we'll serve it to them and just watch it. That's so. Before the murder happens. Right. And then after he eats it, that gives us a certain amount of joy, right?

So it holds us off for a little bit. But then we might do the same thing and then add some poison, but we like to see them die slow. Oh, really? Yeah, it's a process. You want to enjoy it. Like, if you do it too fast. then there's just one day. Are you one of these people that like stays up late and watches the forensic files,

shows back to back with all the murders? I used to be. I have them down. Like I'm like, there's hair fibers in the carpet. That's so amateur. You've learned all you need to learn. No, I wear a hair nut.

I mean, you have to. Yeah. You just do that to learn, but they're amateurs. They got caught. They're on the show. Wow. If you could be like a serial killer,

what would your name be? What would, you know, we've had the hillside strang, the Green River murderer, would you give yourself a name? Maybe it'd be no womb for assholes. Why do I feel like I'm first on your list? No, you're nice.

Oh, thanks. I'm not going to die anytime soon. No, just don't treat me bad. Okay. Going back to sleeping, though. Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? Like, do you have a dream where it's like you have it every few months? So you've had it almost your whole life.

Is there one specific dream that repeats? You know what dream I hate that happens to me all the time is I dream about a guy that I like, but it doesn't end up being that guy. What do you mean? So weird, right? Like, initially, like, say it's a guy named Tom. Yeah. And I like this guy.

And then we're having a conversation. and then the next moment in the dream, say we're walking into a house. It's not that person, but it feels like that person to me. They constantly change into another person that I've never seen before. But I had to have seen that person because how could I dream them? Oh, yeah. How could you dream about somebody you've never seen? So I'm sure subconsciously I saw that person or maybe...

Until you killed them. Right, until I kill them. Maybe it's... Murdered dream. You are Friday the 13th. That's so romantic. Have you ever, speaking of dying, have you ever had a near-death experience

or anything like that? Anything crazy where you've come close to the edge? I did die once. You murdered yourself? No, on stage several times. Wait, what? No, I actually, I... Excuse me?

died like officially was no heartbeat no breathing and was revived and brought back to life how long were you dead i i don't know so you're a zombie i'm sitting here talking to a zombie yes that's why i need the makeup a zombie with cat fan d's midnight summer moon splash if i put a little ruse you can't see that i'm blue underneath wow i'm just dead inside but listen so yeah i did wait i did die for how long I don't know what they say okay so here's what happened I was doing a I love road biking and I just I I love like motorcycles okay oh boy that's like where you actually have to work yeah yeah yeah um so I was doing a contest in Mexico it was like a 50 mile from uh is it Ensenada? No, it's Rosarito to Ensenada.

That's a long ride. That's what we call a try-to-die contest. Right? You won. We're like drug meals. We're just taking the drugs from one town to another. So I have a really nice road bike and I was training. So I did this race with my ex-boyfriend. And we were still- Say that again, what boyfriend? X-boyfriend. See what happened? I'm the one that died. Isn't that weird? And so did he too?

Well, we'll see. excuse me so okay so we're doing the bike race and i was drinking a ton of water like tons of water broken water or regular um that's a good question i mean it was Mexico so broken water's everywhere probably broken that's probably why you died probably my bottle was yes so i was fine at the end of the finish line but i wanted to make a good time so i was racing really like i gave it my all. Yeah. So at the finish line, I ate and I drank more water.

And then we ate some water too? Yes, I know. Oh, you were thirsty. It's icy. It was ice. You have to chew it. So then I go back to the apartment that we're staying at in Rosarito. And I'm exhausted.

He's outside having like a margarita on the deck. I'm taking a shower and I start to feel really woozy. And then I got out of the shower and I'm like, oh, man, I feel really hot. This is, I'm in a. and I grabbed onto the sink and there was no nothing to like hold on to and I fell and I hit the door with my head so hard that I broke the door like my hair was actually caught in the door it was this really thick wooden door and um my ex-boyfriend heard the loud bang and was like hey are you okay are you okay and wasn't responding I was completely conscious skull thumps are all that's like a distinct like yeah it's like you can't It's like a coconut fallen out of a tree and, like, landing on the sidewalk. Yes, exactly. It's a real specific clunk.

Yes. And so he, and the thing was, I was propped up against the door. My hair was caught in the door. Oh, no, so now he couldn't get in? He couldn't get in. You were like a human wedge. I was literally, so he had to push the door open as hard as you could. And banging your head.

And I'm, yeah. And like, no pulling. I had a chunk of hair missing from. Oh, God. So then I, yes, that would be, yeah, but it's great. It's too great. Okay, well, let's not rub it in. Maybe I'm going to start doing some killing.

How about that? One more little chest tear comment. And maybe the green river goblin strangler is going to show up, all right? Let's, okay, keep going on. All right. So he came in and, I mean, I don't remember any of this. Yeah, you were dead. How could you?

I wasn't breathing. I wasn't. moving. There was no pulse. And so immediately he starts, so it's in the bathroom. There's a window that was open. And so he starts screaming for help. And we're in Mexico. And it's a resort. Well, it helps just a hobby word in Mexico. Yeah. Yeah. So he's screaming. But then he started giving me mouth to mouth and chest compressions and brought me back to life. He knew how to do that. Was he trained in that or anything? No. just did it. Not that I knew of. I mean, it's just like, have you ever done a CPR class?

I've done several of them. And it's not as standard as you think. There is a methodology to it. There's a rhythm you're supposed to do. There's a technique when you give mouth to mouth. It's like pinch the nose, tilt the neck back, breathe in, turn your head, listen for a breath, turn back. It's very methodical. It's one, two, three, four. I'm certified. I had to take a few St. John ambulances courses because I ran a bush camp. for many years. Yeah, you did. Hello, Tiger Lily. Forget your story.

Let's get back to that hotel room. So then apparently he brought me back to life and he's still screaming for help. Somebody had called an ambulance. The ambulance comes, oops, I see how dramatic I am. Yeah, that's okay. The ambulance comes and the whole time, keep in mind, I'm naked, dead and naked on the floor. and with a patch of hair missing from my head that's stuck in the door now. And you said you don't remember a lot.

No, but I just know that I woke up and there were towels on me. And so the ambulance gets there and the door was locked. So they had to break through the kitchen window. There's a kitchen. Yeah. Where were you staying at the hotel necrophilia? Yes. Sh, you were supposed to tell.

Oh, my gosh. I can't tell you anything. This just gets weirder and weirder. Okay. So you're laying. Look at you. Oh, corpse. So I'm laying there that they had pushed him away because he was obviously really emotional.

Yeah. And I wouldn't. I wouldn't wake up. I don't know. Oh, yeah, you were dead. Yeah. So, but I wouldn't, even when I started to breathe, I wasn't, I was breathing very shallow and I wouldn't wake up. I wouldn't open my eyes.

And so they do the smelling salts thing. Oh, wow. And they woke me up. But I thought I was being kidnapped. Oh, for. Because there's these, like, four Mexican guys standing over me. Yeah, you don't know who they are. And all I remembered was that I was in a bike race.

I didn't realize I was back at the condo. You didn't make the jump to, yeah. And I had. So you went from doing this to four guys lifting you out of a bathroom naked. Yeah. And you're missing a clump of hair. In Mexico. That sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Yeah. If you're having a good time, that's usually. Remind me to book a vacation down there. And to this day, my. memory sucks because um i lost my short term memory so when they that was a byproduct of being dead i couldn't even speak i couldn't speak all i could do was like make sounds and i was trying to tell them like i really thought i was being kidnapped so i start screaming and they're like do you do you know where you are and do you know who the president but they're all in spanish and thank god i understand yeah i was

I was like, ah, I was just screaming, no. That's the only word I could put together was no. Universal. And then I could see my ex, like, poking his head. And I'm like, is he involved in this? Did he do? Like, that's all I could think. But I wasn't, like, I was so, couldn't put words together and everything.

This is something that I want to actually work out on stage. I've never talked about it. Ever. Really publicly. Just a few of my friends know about it. But, like, it's, you know how comics that, well, I really admire comics that talk about personal, really personal tragedies and make them funny. Make them hilarious.

Yeah. I think we're doing that right here and now. I know. Well, you know, I mean, part of, my friend was like, how are you going to, you died, Lisa, like, how are you going to make, you lost your speech? How is that funny? And I'm like, well, it's funny that it was my ex-boyfriend. Well.

That brought me back to life. On that note, though, because I'm always suspicious of this stuff. Not that I'm implicating your ex-boyfriend. Oh. But you say you remember being in the shower. Yeah. Or wait, you said you last thing you remember was being on the bike and then waking up. Or do you remember specifically being in the shower?

Not until later. So part of me goes... Because I didn't even know I was in the condo. Did the old Exo come into the shower and try to off you before you could off him. Right. That's true. That's true.

Knowing that you like to murder your boyfriends, did he kind of instinctually pick up on that and go, I better get her before she gets me. That is the best. And when you're washing your face with your eyes closed, bongk, he thinks he's got you. I think it was him. It was him. But here's my thing. I had some brain damage because of the amount of time that I was out.

And I'm like, how long did he? he stand over me before he decided maybe I should give her mouth to mouth and bring it like she said she wanted some space right so maybe let's just yeah maybe he was standing there counting the seconds over me and it was like naked and dead well this relationship was it was it was it contentious was there fighting going on was it harmonious were you lovey-dovey or was it kind of on the rocks or was it toxic we we dated for five years and great guy but i broke up with him because i I really couldn't see marrying him. So this was towards the end of the relationship.

Yeah, but we were still like, we were already broken up. Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go. It's bad, right? Yeah, you better call the authorities real quick. Is the case closed yet? Is it closed? Well, we could reopen it.

Yeah, I think we better open that pound puppy and put junior behind bars for the holidays. No, I'm just kidding. No, but this is what's interesting about these because you think of all. all the possibilities. Yeah. And again, I'm just joking about your ex. But when you watch these shows like Forensic Files and you start to learn more about human nature and greed and lust and jealousy and whatever else comes

into the human psyche, you know, if that happened to me, I'd sort of be wondering, hmm, what the, I don't remember any of it. What did happen and what was going on and how long did? But here's the good news. if it was him he wouldn't have even attempted to revive you he could have had the perfect alibi oh my god this is great she worked so hard she over exerted herself she got in the hot shower it caused all this warm blood in her she passed out hit her head she hit her head i just got to stand there for five minutes didn't have to lay a dna hand on her watch her die and i'm scoffrey

can go get a new girlfriend you sound like you just plotted your next event Well, I'm plotting yours. No, this is going to be on anybody else because now I see it coming. Oh, this is, I'm telling your story. I'm trying to help you figure it out, but in a joking way. Of course, none of this really happened. Your death did happen. Yeah, that happened in the memory loss.

Wow. You know when I started speaking, here's the crazy thing. I started speaking in the hospital because, again, I had no clothes on. So I'm literally just kind of draped with towels. They took me onto the stretcher, and I'm still screaming. Naked. I'm afraid. Yeah.

And I'm in Mexico, so I guess it's not that big a deal. They didn't care. So we're getting to the hospital. They put me in this, it's the ER, but it's a room that's basically separated by curtains. Yeah. It's not even a real room. So people are just walking in front as I'm basically naked. Okay, and you still, like, I still had a semblance of like...

The new BMO ViPorter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks, more points, more flights, more of all the things you want in a travel rewards card, and then some. Get your ticket to more with the new BMO ViPorter MasterCard and get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months. Terms and conditions apply. Visit bemo.com slash the iPorter to learn more. I don't know. Embarrassment. You know, like I just died.

It's called being vulnerable. I didn't know that I had died. All I knew is that my mind wasn't working right. I couldn't speak. There was this kid. He was the ER doctor, one of the ER doctor. He looks like he was 17 years old. Probably was.

Where were you again? At that time I was in Rosarito. Yeah, he was a 17-year-old doctor. Yes, of course. Of course it was. I had a low rider at night and did surgeries during the day. I mean, he's been working since he was too. Is there someone sick in here?

What can I do? Yeah. What do you need? Braids? What do you need? Sombrero. Can I reach out and readjust a baby for somebody? Give me to the womb.

Is that your Latino? I guess. But here's the thing, though, if we roll it back even further, your case, if it did become a murder case, and I'm joking, it would be. thrown out of court because you've admitted that you had no memory. You lost your memory. And so it would be very hard to contest or accuse anyone because the defense would just say, oh, well, Your Honor, she said by her own words that she had no memory of any. She lost her memory. She couldn't even talk. So, yeah. Interesting. I think you did it. I didn't even realize that till just coming on your show. There's a lot more I have to say about it. Yeah. My mind works in very, very, very.

hotel roomy ways. But we got to go to the next level of this story because everyone's going to want to know. When you were dead, where did you go? What did you see? Did you have an ethereal experience? Did you go to an out-of-body place where you floating above yourself,

admiring your naked body because it was in such great shape because you were a cyclist? No, I didn't. Where'd you go? Ben and Jerry's? What the hell did you do? I wish that I had that story.

I didn't experience any of that. So you're just on the floor, smelling urine in the tiles? I wish I would have seen a light or people I knew that passed away. You should have stayed at the Motel 6. They leave the light on for you. That's right. That's the takeaway from this story. No, but nothing?

I didn't. I wish, maybe I didn't. I forgot because my memory was gone for life. Do you remember a few at least because I'm a fainter. I'm one of these guys. Are you? Yeah, I don't know why. Yeah.

When I lose blood, like if I go to give blood or I cut myself deeply and blood, sometimes even if I get teeth pulled, man, I go down. Like I've just passed out, hit walls, landed on the floor. And when I faint, I immediately, it's instant go into a deep dream state. Like the minute I'm, things black out, I'm in these dreams that are so powerful, my brain hurts when I wake up, you know, and you have a really intense dream. Do you have any recollection of going into a dream state at least? Or was it just nothing? Nothing. I didn't remember falling until months later. I did, it did come back to me, what happened and how I felt, but I didn't, it didn't come for months like me, almost three months. Let me ask you this. See, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm pro. I'm trying to, now you've got my wheels. Yeah, we're going to solve the case. We're going to solve it.

In many of these bicycle marathons, you have complete random people. Give me your water bottle, standing at the side of the road going, hey, hey, you know, and the cyclist just blindly go by, grab. It's womb water. Yeah, but is it possible that somebody gave you a water that they put something in or some kind of drug or it would be kind of stupid because you're just going by, but maybe someone who had murder on their mind. I don't know.

Maybe because I was writing too fast. Or did you have your own personal water bottle on the bottle? Yeah, I had like three huge bottles of water. Did anyone have access to said bottles? Not that I know of. Including the five-year-old boyfriend in a tumultuous relationship where you weren't. really doing that well with staying in the same room in a foreign country water yes he was in his 40s but he's a five-year-old boyfriend we could cut that out so we'll leave in all the murder

accusations but we'll cut that out yeah we'll edit out that um i you know what maybe maybe it was foul play. What they ended up telling me happened is that I basically drowned myself. Did you know that you can drink too much water? Yeah. I didn't know that. And I had absolutely no salt left in my body. That's why I passed out. They're like, you can't survive with you have no salt. Sounds like you needed to be assaulted. Yes, I did. And it happened. And you were. Yeah. I know. Yeah, there was, there was a moron I think it was in Texas or some state or these goofy radio DJs. Yeah. You know, they always have to bring these people in.

And for some reason, they do all this very visual stuff, but it's radio. Like, I've done radio interviews. Let's bring in a stripper and let's ever play with a sex toy. And I'm like, idiots, it's radio. Nobody can see. Why are you doing this to this woman? You're humiliating. I walked out of a radio interview once because they were, they were just like humiliating

this woman and treating her like garbage. And but these guys at one of these radio stations, like they, they had a contest to see who could drink the most water. Oh, boy. And some lady just kept drinking and drink because everyone thinks, oh, it's just water. It's harmless. She killed herself. She actually died. If you look on Google, you'll see, type in woman dies from drinking water at radio contest.

It was like, yeah, why? That's what I mean. So I had no, like an, I'm kind of an athlete. I love working out and stuff like that. of cycling, but I never knew that in a 50-mile race that I would over hydrate because I ate a lot of carbs that morning. I ate a big breakfast knowing that I'm going to need all this energy. And I thought hydrating, and they're like, yes, of course you hydrate because you sweat so

much, but you have to take salt pills during the bike ride. And that's the one thing I didn't do. So the more water I drank, I'm thinking I'm hydrating my body, I actually made it so much worse to the point where I fainted. Yeah, it's just, it's all about moderation. Even when you're doing, you know, athletic stuff, you've got to, it's not like suddenly your body has extra room for more liquids or food or nutrients. Your body can only contain so much.

I was literally just flushing out the nutrients that I needed. So that's what happened. They're like, you know what? Hand me that water real quick. You're going to put salt in there for me? No, I just don't want, you know, no. Nobody's died on my podcast so far, and I just want to keep my record clean, and you just, you just parched for a little while, okay?

Yeah, I know. I know, and I, even now I drink a lot of water, and you know that this is crazy. You have to drink water that's not high in potassium, because they just had a blood test, and literally today my doctor just called me and said, it's not as high as we thought you're okay. Potassium. So I'm reading my water baller label, the ones that have electrolytes. Don't drink that much of those. I had no idea.

So here I am pounding like the electrolyte 9.5, whatever, waters, and it's full of potassium. Do you just want to tell the crowd right now that you're suicidal? I have this thing with water. I have this thing with water. Here I am trying to like be cognizant of not being dehydrated and everything. And I think water is good for you. You know what I'm going to do for you? We're going to, I'm going to take you tomorrow.

Maybe I should booze it up. No, tomorrow night I'm going to take you to Avatar way of the water. Oh, boy. Afterwards, we're going to go to a water park and then you can just end it with a smile on your face. I'll do that. Okay, there, H2O Sally. H2O Sally? I like that one better.

Is that too bad? Great band, by the way. Great band. Yeah, here. I get it. I'll just sip it. That's what she said. That's what she said.

By the way, can I just, you know, I never said this. the beginning of the Harland Highway. We've known each other for what, 20, 25 years maybe? Because you've worked as a producer on all of Byron Allen's TV shows, which I've done over the years. What are they called? Like, Leave them laughing and giggle me tender. And what are the names of the ones? Giggle me tender was my favorite. What was the one where you sat around on the comics unleashed? Oh, comics unleashed. You worked on that. Well, I was on it. Yeah. And you did it as a performer. And then you worked as a producer on the other one where it's like what's that one writer on funny you should ask funny you should ask you were on that show i was on that yeah you were you were so fun on that show

yeah i remember i did it with the late um oh god god god god louie Anderson i know that was the last time i like i saw louis yeah you know after that but uh that was the last time i saw i got to work with louis anderson and he was sitting right in front of me and yeah we had a really good camaraderie and every time I got a good zinger and he'd always like turn around and oh I like he'd look at me with that big grin and he was so he was such he was a nice guy I'll never funny but super kind he was super kind I'll never forget I was with louis this is a tough story to talk about but but me and rodney dangerfield became quite close towards the end of his life and when he was dying um his wife Joan called me you know the

family called me to go to the hospital and I was literally with Rodney like holding his hand and like the last eight hours of him being a lot. Yeah I was right there with him and it was so tough because he was in a he was in a really bad state and you know eight just and I remember I stayed strong and I tried to be funny and just be compassionate and all that stuff was very hard and then I remember I walked out and I went okay I made it through that it was tough and then I remember I got downstairs and Louis Anderson was there and you know Louis was such a big guy yeah and Louis was he was there too he went in separately so we had our alone time but I remember Louie was like how you doing you okay and I said yeah I'm okay and then I just like burst

into tears and Louie's like this big guy and he just like hugged me and I was like falling into a couch because he was so kind of big and soft and I remember him just comforting me and nourishing me and he was he was so compassionate yeah in that tough moment but yeah god it's it's sad that louis's gone he was such a funny guy yeah yeah so many in the comedy community yeah it's gone and so was your boyfriend and I was almost gone you know you were gone and I'm glad you're back but Anyways, what I was saying, we've been friends for a really long time. We see each other all over the place doing shows. Sometimes you're working as a producer, sometimes you're writing, sometimes you're a performer.

And you're a great stand-of-com comedian in your own right. Oh, thanks. So tell the gang a little bit about your stand-up journey and where you're working and where they can see you. Yes, I'm working a lot. You can just go to Lisa Alvarado.com for dates. and I'm also in the midst of trying to package and sell my documentary. Did you? Oh, yeah, I saw the trailer.

Very emotional. Yeah, it's, I'm just starting a podcast called Find the Funny off of. It basically started with the documentary where a friend of mine, he basically was like a big fan of comedy would just come to my shows, but he was in a wheelchair. Right. And then he, I guess, was terminal and a huge comedy fan. And we always just kept he on touch on social media.

It wasn't like we were really close friends. But once he knew he had PLS, which is like a version of ALS, and he had been struggling with it for a really long time. He was already in a wheelchair, but now he was becoming a quadriplegic. Oh, my goodness. And losing his speech, which is when you're getting near the end. and he called me and he was like, I really would love to do stand-up comedy.

Can you help me? Wow. It's like a bucket list thing? Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, of course. You actually helped them get right material with some of the other comedians and then you got them up on stage.

It was fantastic. I saw the footage in the trailer for your documentary. It's very moving. Like he's hugging his father at the end, like breaking down in tears because he did this thing. And you helped them and you're sitting there. holding his hand and nurturing him. It's beautiful. See, that's why we're glad you lived because you had more work to do.

I do. You had to move, move him and move everyone else and bring laughter and light and joy into the world, right? I don't. It was such a, like, rewarding experience. It changed my life about, and my perspective about a lot of things. I bet. How can it not? Yeah.

I mean, even when you were there with Rodney, just the gravity of, how precious life is. And watching a friend slip away, someone that you love, it changes you. It just, especially when you're in the room. When you're in the room, because you realize that person, it's like a dimmer switch and it's going down, down, and there's nothing anyone. I mean, Rodney was in the best facility in probably the world with the best doctors. Everyone wanted to save Rodney Dangerfield.

and when you realize it's just time to go and that's why I always say to people enjoy every moment of every day like don't let the stupid little things get you down let them go and as stupid as it sounds like stop what you're doing if you're walking down the sidewalk and you're feeling horrible just stop and look at a cloud

or look at a ladybug or look at a flower blowing in the like don't let all this stuff like take away from all we really have is the present moment we're in, you know? Right, exactly. And that's why I want to talk about more of these situations that have happened in my life and turn it around and find the funny within it because, like, life is just, I mean, there are obviously some hard and painful times in all of our lives. But if you think, like, if you just really kind of look at what's going on around,

that central issue, a lot of times you can find so much humor in the other stuff. Yeah. And sometimes, I'll say this, I've said this on the podcast before, sometimes tragedy forces you to be funny. Like I don't want to sound mean. I hope I don't offend anybody, but I can't remember a funeral I've been at where I haven't leaned over and cracked a joke to someone. Yeah.

And not out of disrespect for the disease, but just you need that levity. It's just a-ricks-tention. It's a coping mechanism. It just, it, it, it's, it's like throwing fuel into a fire of the soul. You need it. You need it. And it's not vindictive or mean, but humans just have to thrive on comedy to help them through tough stuff. Yeah.

And that's something I think people need to, in this era of wokeness, have to remember, too. Like, comedy is really important. Yes. And if everyone keeps woking, calm. into the cellar and no one's allowed to really kind of have fun with tragedy or hard times or things it's going to come back and people are going to realize like we need it it sounds counterintuitive but we need it so i have a question for you on that no um because this is interesting and i've been talking to friends about this i love when you do that um yes do you think

a fence is a choice. No, I go for a brick wall every day. Like, I don't need a fence. The wall's more soundproof. Oh, my gosh, you're so down. You asked if a fence was a choice, and I'm saying go with brick every time. That's so bad.

That was a bad dad joke. Okay, well, maybe you're getting another sip. He slurps so good. Okay. Sorry, offense is a choice. Yeah, you know, when people go to the comedy show or whatever sort of artistic, whatever, and they get offended. Do you think it's offense is a choice?

I think sometimes you can be offended and caught off guard and it's a surprise. Right. But in this day and age, I think some people are hunting to be offended. Looking for it. I did a show a few months ago where I made a joke that I've been doing for me. many years. You know, I use it here and there and every now and then you bring a joke back and it always gets left. No one's ever said a word, but in this woke era, some, some lady came up to me after the show, family tapped me. I just want you to know that you ruined my night and

my father was sick. And I, being the compassionate person I was, I wanted to go, oh my God, I'm so sorry. But I could tell. I could just tell by her body language, her demeanor, the overreaction, I went, this person came to the club tonight looking for a mark. If it wasn't my joke, it would have been someone else's. She came here looking to do that. And you've got people like us, we can pick up on it. And I just looked at it and I said, I don't know what to say. I've been doing that joke.

And it's not about you. It's not about your father who was sick. You know, and I don't even think I apologize, which normally I do. Because I could tell she was head hunting. Right. And some other comics, after I left, they told me she was doing the same thing to them. And so my instincts were right. And it's like, knock that stuff off, people.

You know, use the comedy to help you heal and laugh at things. Even if they're dark, you'd be amazed, I think, I think subliminally without you knowing it, it can be helpful. Now, if someone's really mean and vindic, your brother died of leukemia, lose, like, that's cruel. Right. Right. You shouldn't go for cruel. You shouldn't go to hurt someone's feelings intentionally. It's all about, it's all about the heart when you say something. It's all about your intention. That's right. Right. So even if you're saying something really nice, but you intend to like be sarcastic or hurt that person, it's still mean. That's still, even if you're saying nice words, it's still mean-spirited. So that's what, it's always you got to judge it by the intention. Well, that's when you come to a comedy club, you have to realize that everything in a comedy club, just like you go to a bakery, everything's wrapped in sugar.

Yeah. You come to a comedy club, everything's wrapped in comedy. So if someone's talking about leukemia or someone's talking about cancer or someone's talking about killing a dog, it's all in jest. You have to go in wearing that coat, knowing, okay, no matter what they say, this is meant to be jovial, you know. and it may not, it may touch a nerve, but they're not doing it maliciously to personally offend me. I always feel like people that get offended, they should kind of, I like to, when I get upset,

walk something backwards. And murder it. Yes. Oh, walk it backwards. Yes. Like ask myself, okay, because you have that initial sting of like, oh, I'm angry or I'm hurt or that makes me so upset. Then I go, okay, well, why?

I ask myself like a therapist. like a therapy session, like, okay, what was it that actually hurt me? Am I really hurt because they're late? Or do I just not feel special to them? Or do I feel like maybe it's my own thing about feeling like I don't matter? Like, or that somebody's not going to treat me right. Or I see this as a red flag because this person did that. So I walk it backwards and go, where was that seed planted in my life?

Right. That this can affect me so much. That's deep. I know. and and and and but it helps me to go oh that was just this right I turned it into that right maybe it was mixed with a little bit of that but I took I gave it 10 more points so I think had I done that better in other relationships then maybe I'd be married now but but like it it's hard to marry when you're a killer though yeah I mean why put a guy through that just stay single and let them and

kill him if he's nice see you got nothing to say man can be jerks where where's my flowers today honey oh i forgot them tonight honey okay it was nice knowing you where's the cat turn on the stove get whiskers i know you don't have any pets do you i did till you got them now before we go i want to do something this has been a great conversation by the way and before we go we do this thing on the harland highway called words in a wooden shoe oh this is an authentic dutch clog from holland and what you do you don't look you reach in grab a word and see if it evokes a memory or a story a quick memory or story and you can uh randomly tell us who wrote the words did you yeah no i don't trust it well let's not ruin the footwear segment of the show

Okay, a one-night stand. Oh, okay, here we go. You had to do that, of course. I bet you they all say one-night stand. Well, why don't we, we can change it to murder if you want. I mean. Okay, what is it evoke? It doesn't really, because I'm not, I'm not really this girl.

Have you had one in your life? I don't remember. Because you fell in the shower. Yeah, and I hit my head really hard. I don't think I have, actually. You will. Maybe, but we already know each other, so that's weird. Well, hang on.

No, so you see, the slurp is right at the perfect moment. You're good at that. Yeah, that locks it in. It's okay. You can't force it if you don't have it. I feel like a lot of male comedians can hook up with audience members. But I never have because when a woman crushes on stage, guys don't go, oh, I want to hook up with her. Do you wish they did?

No. Oh, okay. Do I wish you could come off stage and go, I'm having, I'll take that one. I'm going to have a one nice, wild sex in Cincinnati at the red roof in, and then I go back home to L.A. Gary, Indiana, that's even sexier. Yeah. When you orgasm, you can go, oh. Oklahoma, where the thing?

Yeah. That's a good one. I'm going to try that. I guess I would like the option. I think when women crush on stage or we're seen as like a stronger personality, it's not, it's probably more intimidating or guys aren't attracted to it. At least I kind of feel that way. I don't, I rarely get any nice. Can I make a recommendation?

Next time you crush on stage. Yeah. Because as you're closing out, the ladies and gentlemen, it was a pleasure. Thank you. Which one of you men wants to bang me tonight? I guarantee you'll probably have some suitors. You get to pick.

I bet most of the hands in the club go up in the air. Yeah, you know what? They'd probably do the wave for you. Okay, I guess that's my new closer. Yeah. Who wants to bang me tonight? Also a great band in the 70s, yeah. This is the name of my new porn.

That's, yeah. All right, all right. Okay, so this is a goal. We'll leave it. It's not so much a story, but it's a future story. When you come back, we'll readdress the one-night stand and you can tell us all about it and where he's buried and everything. And what flavor I made his dog.

And yes. And before we go, tell the folks where they can see you, your social media, all that stuff. Lisa Alvarado. Yes, you did it right. Good job. I'm at Lisa Alvarado comedian on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok. I hate Twitter, so I'm not really on there, but Lisa Alvarado comedian on all of the social medias or just Lisa Alvarado.com if you want to look up what cities I'm playing in and get tickets.

Oh, and the podcast. Subscribe to that. It comes out in January. Yeah, it's a brand new podcast. We're the first to announce it, right? Yes, we are. Say the name of it again. Say the name of it.

Find the funny with Lisa Alvarado. And it's on YouTube. It will be on YouTube in January. Yes, which, yes, it's on YouTube. I'm playing harp music in the background. Are you playing? I'm like, why is he making that face? You didn't wear the headphones, so you missed out on the harp music.

Do you want to put them on real quick and hear it? Okay. And then when you say your name, I'll do it. Say your name with the rolling R and I'll give you the. Okay. I'm. Ready? I'm Lisa Albarado.

That one was off a bit. Say it into the camera and then let it really drag out. Say it as sexy as you can. Okay. Wait, wait. That was it free. Into the camera. I'm Lisa Alvarado.

Ladies and gentlemen, we can't end on anything better than that. Thank you for being here, Lisa, on the Harland Highway podcast. Thank you for being here. Go rinse out your worms. And until next time, chicken chalmayne, baby. Wow. That's fun. Do you want one more harp?

Yeah, please. Okay. Okay, wait. Let me drink some water before I die. Before I die. on myself. Wait, I'll do it as you're drinking. Okay, ready? Ready? Here we go. Oh, wait, I turned the volume down. Wait, do it again. Ready?

Okay. Go. You want to go get a drink? Yes. Water? No.