The Harland Highway - NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #43 - KIRK FOX, Comedian, Actor, Proud Father.

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

Kirk and I die laughing talking about moths, hearing problems, and Valentines Day sex. HOT!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody. This is Harlan. Just before we get started, I want to remind you that I will be doing stand-up comedy live in Portland, Oregon, February 17th, 18th, and 19th at a great comedy club called Helium. And you can get your tickets at Harland Williams.com. That's February 17th to 19th at Helium in Portland, Oregon. And with that little bell, let's not waste any more time. Let's roll down the Harland Highway with my special guest, Kirk Fox, and here we go. I'm going to the classic. Okay. Anal. Oh, wow. Okay. So that is, it's not, you know, as memorable as the Allen Ridge.

But anal is a standard. It's a go-to. It's reliable. Yeah. And on Valentine's, you're going to save money on flowers and chocolate. Yeah. Well, you might still get the chocolate. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. I think we're ready, guy. Are you ready? I'm here. You're here? I'm here. How about I hit a little, uh, do what you have to do? TM. Do you have water? You have things like that? Well, I offered you water and you said you didn't want any. Well, maybe it's good to have it near. Do you want one? Maybe there should be. Can I leave you? Like, you're rolling. So this would be the first time I ever left a guest on the

Good. Maybe I was... You won't say anything like weird into the mic, will you? This was a setup. This is... Maybe I wanted to be alone for a minute. Okay, I'll take a little extra longer. Okay. Okay. Okay, so listen.

I don't need to say listen. You're listening already. Sometimes people say that. They say, listen. And if they're talking to you, there's a good chance their ear holes are open. I just wanted a little more water. There was no real ploy, but it's nice. Nice to be here and got the mic here.

A lot of complaints, a lot of complaints about where the mic was last time. Oh, yeah. Last time you didn't use the mic. You didn't know how. But you went to deride and you took a mic course or something you were telling me? I didn't take a mic course. I took a course in just existing. Oh, okay.

When you sat me down last time, we just started talking, and I thought the mic was strong enough to maybe grab a few words. Yeah. But you were way off. It's like you were like those Ricolo guys. You were like way up on them. You were like, Rikolo. Here's just an example. Here's the example.

And I know some of your friends will just pop in for a second. Yeah. But I believe it was here and I was here. Yeah. That's about right. How's Cleveland? Oh, it felt right. Yeah, I know.

I just don't want to be, but now they want this. You don't want to be encumbered with like technical aspects of the thing. I just don't want. Already it's rubbing you the wrong way. No, I don't want to be forced. Yeah. To perform. I just want to be here.

Well, maybe some, what was I, what did I say earlier? Some TM will like kind of get you in the mood. I don't know what you said earlier. This is your house. I'm just here. I know, but I asked you if you wanted some TM to kick things off. Transcendental meditation. Well, we could do some of that, but that's not what I meant.

Oh, sorry. But why don't we do some? I'm fine. I live in it. A lot of people stop to do TM. If you're really connected, you're just always at that level. Can I do like 20 seconds of it, maybe? Certainly.

Would you like silence? Shh. It doesn't taste like water. Can we go... Every time you talk, I reset the clock guy. There's zero. Dude. Okay, one thing before you start.

I'm having a transcendental medicine. Okay, so am I. So there's no sugar, calories, or liquid in here. So this is an air... It's just a can. It's an air can. Okay, go ahead. okay now can i just say one thing i know this is your day yeah if you heard that ringing

i have tinnitus oh yeah that's right so my ears are are ringing always that's horrible what a torture if you hear that it's me i heard something there like i just it's just a ringing you okay nice to see you happy harland you're so rarely truly joyful. Sorry. To see Harlan break. Sorry, dude. To see Harlan this happy and you broke early and I'm sure you'll delete this, but that's what TM does.

No, TM, what I'm asking you is. Dental. No, do you want some theme music to start the podcast, TM, theme music? Oh. You know what? Why don't you? There. And if you want to hear it, you can put them on for a second.

Yes. I just to, I don't want you to miss the TM. Mm-hmm. That's right. You're on the Harlem Highway player. See? So what calms you more? Theme music or transgender meditation?

Transgender's fine, but right now, there's just too much in my head. Oh, yeah, you got the ringing and the theme music. And the echo, and your voice and my voice. Oh, God. So I'm going to take these off. Yeah, take it off. That's got to be torture. Yeah, there was a lot pumping into my brain in a short period of time.

Wow. So you hear ringing like 24-7? 24-7. Oh, man. Like, can you imitate the sound? Like, is it like a... Exactly. That's exactly it.

It's a car alarm. It's high-pitched. And it's just what I hear 24-7. And I don't know if I've ever told you, I do not hear. hear it when I'm under water. Oh, wow. Why? I'm not an ophthalmologist, but I believe it's the pressure against my brain. And it's just, it's my happy place underwater. Sometimes I, in a shower, I'm at peace. If I have a big meeting, I asked if we could meet in the shower. Oh, in the shower. Oh, in the shower, yeah. Or underwater, but the shower seems to be easier for them to wrap their head around.

Okay, so if I'm being Sherlock Holmes or the Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew. Okay, that's a lot of choices. Well, I want you to be happy and pick the one you want. Okay. Which would you rather I am? Sherlock Holmes, Nancy Drew, or the Hardy Boys? I think Nancy Drew is probably, because she's female. Okay.

And we've never really known what her kink is. Okay. The Hardy boys seem like there was too many. Yeah, there's two. But Nancy Drew, we never really put a body to it. Okay. So I'm Nancy Drew. And you look great, Nancy.

Thanks. Thanks for coming. She's a great guy. Okay. And Nancy Drew was an investigative reporter or a book? She just solved mysteries, and that's what I want to do. I want to solve the mystery of the tinnitus. Okay.

We can talk about anything you'd like today. This is certainly your time. I will say it's nice to be back. Yeah. Oh, my God. Welcome back. Kirk Fox, comedian, writer, playwright. I'm just a man.

A man. I don't want any more labels. Carbon-based molecules and atoms? Can I throw that at you? Adam is fine. Adam? Can I call you atom? You certainly can, Nancy. But I will say all those other things, those are ego-based.

Yeah. I'm just a man here. Yeah. I'm a simple tennis pearl. Yeah, but I want to resolve the mystery of the tenitis to help you. Okay. So you set underwater, and tinnitus is an inner ear problem, right? it's in it's certainly in me right it's in you and the inner the ear the smallest bone in the

human body the maybe on you the coxyl yes i believe is in the inner ear delicate little series of hammer the anvil the coxiel not to be confused with the coxist which is in your tailbone a lot of cock talk well you know you could add the hearty boys okay well you got nancy drew so nancy to do some talk-talking. Nancy. That's her dangle. Okay. And so what I'm saying,

there's a collection of some of the smallest, delicate, fragile bones in the human body in the inner ear. You've clearly got some kind of vibrating ringing. Well, here's what they say. Those little hairs in there. The cilia hairs.

They're doing this. Right. 24-7, looking for something. So, Nancy, this is kind of, of who you are? Because if you solve mysteries, what's the hair looking for? Well, see, I'm superseding the hair, and I'm going to these delicate little bones

and what I'm concluding, as a mystery solver who wears a dress and likes to make cock talk, I'm concluding that when you go underwater, those bones are so delicate that the pressure of the water shifts them because the water is going directly into your ear, and so I think it's displacing them to a degree. I can tell you if I might.

I think you might be right because I believe it was actually a hug which triggered a bit of a neck injury. I used to think it was from too much yelling in my ears and an earpiece. But I traced it back to love. there's a woman named Amma the hugging saint I don't know if you're familiar with I've heard of her where's she from again? She's from India yeah

and they say she has a direct link to God which makes sense that even if you want to talk to God you have to go through India so Amma to me you mean like one of those call centers yes to me Ama was tech support hello this is God how may I

help you definitely this is the creator of the universe and the whole galaxies how may i help you you have ringing in your ear god maybe god is talking about me they say when people talk about you your ears ring yeah possibly but alma gave me a hug is what can we just before we get too deep into alma how proportionately what's her size physically as as a sleuth as a female cock-loving, sleuth, as you said I was. Nancy Drew, the cock-loving. What was her physical size? 400 pounds.

Are you being cereal right now? Why would I not? If I'm going to drive up to this estate, I'm not going to give a location. Well, we're in the office building. I'm not going to waste your time or the people's time, or Nancy's time. Boom. Those people. I'm not going to waste anyone's time.

Okay. So yes. 400 pounds. 400-pound woman. And you let that woman, and I'm going to say this, I hope you're going to take it as an insult. You're like a matchstick. Like if you were out in nature, you'd be kindling wood. You're like eight feet of birch branch.

Let me just tell you, I did not want to be hugged. There was 10,000 people. Someone said, a beautiful girl that I was trying to be intimate with invited me to go get a hug from Alma. Okay, where was this? Down at the airport Hilton. In which way? Los Angeles. Was she stuffed in a hangar?

Eventually, I realized it was very similar. Wow. Now, I thought it would be a quick hug. Yeah. I thought I'd go in, hug Alma. Quick embrace. And then get a room with me and the little Buddha girl. The girl, okay.

So you were kind of using Alma to play cater, but the end game was to be, you know, intimate banging in a hotel room near the airport hilton i would have used that hotel if it had presented itself now when i got there i thought i would just go in quickly oh amma can i get a hug yeah there was no parking should have been a red flag i asked the valet i'm going to see amma does she validate and he said yes oh okay alma would validate yeah so i got a umma would validate yeah so i got a parking ticket and this comes into play i don't mean to bring this up this is important so i went into this room yeah i went in and there was 10 000 people to get a hug from alma and i was all of them yes

one at a time and i was the last one oh no now first what they make you do is take your shoes off oh god and sit down did you just sit since you were the last one that's that's the last one that's a long way to get to your girl. Did you just say, hey, I'm a horny. Can we hurry this up? I thought it. Yeah. I even thought, hey, maybe we should all do a group hug. Yeah. Just one to 10,000 people. Just hug it out. Yeah. Pull the plug. So I sat there. Suddenly, they started handing out little vials of what? Holy water. So now she's holy? Oh, she is supposed to be holy. So they were handing out little vials. I did not know this.

I drank it. You drank? I drank this little vial. The holy water. And everyone around me yelled at me. That's what happened. You're supposed to just put a drop in gallons of water. It's supposed to last you a year.

And let me say, I spent $100. Wow. Because right when you get there, you have to pay. And I figured $100 was okay. Wait, didn't you spend $200? surely you paid for your date to see Amma. She was already on some secret list. Oh, she was on the Amma list.

So I did pay the hundred to enter. And then you did a shot of holy water. Everyone yelled. Because they saw you. They saw me and they said, that's not how, that's, you're supposed to put one. They gave me another. Oh, Christ. And I put it in my shoe for safety.

And it did spill. I'm telling you and the world out there. So I do have one shoe that's pretty... So you were walking on water? One shoe was very blessed. That is holy water. I had one shoe that wanted to do good things. Wow.

And my other shoe strip joints, the usual. Yeah, so you were spread eagling all the way down the sidewalk. Ever since then, I have it. Your left leg was wanting to go to the church, but your right leg was going to the pussycat club. Yes, exactly. Oh, God. And you know what that does. That leaves your balls scraping on the curve.

Oh, I know. And I have long legs. so I'm also in traffic. Wow, dude, the things you'll do for a hug. Keep going. This was insanity. This wasn't about the hug. It was the closed hug.

It was to get to the airport. By the way, that airport Hilton, and I know why you went there, because the jets go by so close the bed vibrates and gives you that extra kick when you're achieving. These are all things that I found out later by myself. Have you ever orgasm to the Delta 509 to Denver at 9 o'clock? Not Denver.

Okay. I went to Des Moines once. But have you ever... And I did it on the tarmac. Oh! It was the 6 foot 5 inch club. Oh, no. I was talking about when you're in bed and you're engaging and the, because you're so close to the runway that they vibrate.

I thought you meant the flight. I apologize. No, because I had sex in the hotel Hilton once and we purposely did it for the red eye to Newark. Yeah. And it was a 7-509... American Airlines Airbus. Oh, great. And this thing shook the bed.

So probably the best moment I've ever had, sexually. That's a great plane. Yeah. And probably a strong nut. Yeah, it was great. Anyways, back to the fat slobs, squeezing you. But she, 10,000 people. Wow.

They brought her out on a huge. Gernie. It kind of looked like a gurney, but there were men carrying her. Wow. She probably looked like a gurny. Guernsey, which is a cow. Yes. So a gurney and a guernsey, wow.

Without question, that's a nice visual. 400-pound cow. Wow. An Ama cow. Yeah, you sure are. From India. Yeah. And they put her up there like a real queen.

Wow. What was she sitting on? Like a chair? A throne. What, come on. They made a throne? It was up there. I don't know if it was made specially for her.

Must have. How did it get up there? How did, it was hydraulics, I would have thought it was thrown. Yeah, nice, thrown on the throne. So listen, and I don't mean to say listen, you're not going to stop. No, dude, I'm listening. 10,000 people in line. Okay.

Suddenly, I realized. What? This is going to take a long time. 10,000 hugs. Eight hours later. Eight hours? Eight hours. Eight hours.

I slowly moved up. why didn't you leave why didn't you bolt the woman was beautiful i paid my hundred i was in it for the long ride oh that's a commitment and then as i got closer borderline desperate yes as i got closer yeah it dawned on me there was no purell anywhere oh she's hugged 10 thou i will be the 10 000 You're 9,99. And I'm next. Get smart. And I was like, this is not good.

There's no Purorelle. So now I'm starting, and she's all sweaty. Oh, yeah. It's odd in there. You probably smell like a subway cold cut subway sandwich. Of course. It's been in a glove box and an underground parking garage in Tampa in the middle of summer. Bingo.

That's the exact smell, because I've been there. Oh, with provolole. I know the garage. So then I'm about to be next. Oh, I heard that. You have a strong, is that a bass, burp? Sorry. Just nice to see you.

Dude. I didn't interrupt the flow. Oh, what's a flow? We're just here talking. She's my hand. Two guys talking. You're trying to solve a mystery. Yeah.

We're close. I think we're close. Keep going. We're right on. Oh, God. All the clues are coming together. So then I'm next. Oh, God.

And then a guy looked at me and he said, do you have an offering for Amma? Oh, come on. An offer? No. And he says, you have to go buy some carnations. They made me go buy carnations to hand her something. So you hand her an offering and then you hand her something to bless.

Oh, God. So now I'm out $110. Well, wasn't $100 the offering? thought it would be it was a it's a racket i mean what in the carnation is a carnation exactly way to bring that back i mean holly and your game is strong nancy excuse me yeah so i'm next okay oh god the guy says to me this is kind of her security okay he says do you have anything for her to bless she'll bless something people were handing her photographs and yeah i handed the valet ticket.

Yeah. I thought, bless this, will you please validate? Smart play, smart play. She didn't validate. She doesn't validate.

So now I'm realizing I've been there eight hours, my parking with the valet. You know what sucks, though? She could have easily valeted with it, like just lifted her shirt, one of those jelly rolls. Yes.

Just stuff it in the jelly roll, like sticking into a slot. could probably make that sound. Yeah, and you would have been valeted. It would have left some kind of stain that resembled. At least you could say to the guy at the tick of it would, look, it's been stamped. Look at that. Oh, dude.

If you had been with me. Oh, Muffin Top Express. But here's what happened, Mr. Oh, God. Nancy's getting close. So now it's just Amma and I. She's not going to validate. I do not want a hug.

You don't want it now. You're pissed. So she got a soggy shoe. She goes in to hug. Arms out like this. And I did this. I wanted just a pound. Oh, you wanted to fist pump her.

I just wanted a pound. I know why. Because when she put those 400 pounds on those 400 pound arms out, that like meatloaf was hanging. You know on the big girls and the big men, they get that that hanging bat cave meatloaf that hangs there. It looks like Mary Callender fell out of. of a plane and her

her bottom fell off. I don't know what I'm saying, but you know what I mean. It doesn't matter what you're saying. You believe in it. You have the passion. Yeah. So then I held this out.

You pounded. Yeah. I wanted to pound. Yeah. She pushed it away. Whoa. Came at me like a bear. Like mothra.

Grab me. Oh. Squeeze me. Oh, Pillsbury doughboy. And somehow tweaked my head. What? And it started, it started.

It started ringing. She tweaked your head like you felt your neck go, yeah, and she whispered something in my ear. I know what she whispered. Whatever she whispered. You're fucked for a life. It was in Indian,

but my ears. You're fucked for life. And my ears have been ringing ever since. Get lost. So I thought it had happened on a talk show I had with an earpiece and yelling. Oh, no. This is OMA. But it was Amma. Ama.

I have tinnitus because of, But I'm the hugging scene. And I don't know where to find her, but it's always ringing because I would not. Have you got a helicopter? I don't. Or Google Maps. I don't. I don't have any of that.

Just get overhead. You'll see her. So that's it. Now, wait a minute. Nancy needs a little more input. What more do you need? Well, this hug expressed to me, what, what did the actual fit? Was it a full wrap around?

Was it around the waist? Was it around? Hard. Was it around your head, shoulders? Tall. She was a big woman. I'm six-five. And she got in there. She's fixed five sideways. Maybe. Strong hug. So was it around here? Was it the waist?

Oh, God. Enough where she pulled me in and I smelled humanity. I smelled 9,99 people. And her, whatever she had been going through in life. That's like when a wrecking crew rips down a motel six dumps all the lumber and all the residue into a dump. and that dust, that's probably what she smelled like. And they've been ringing ever since. And this was in, this was in 2013. Maybe you should answer it. I thought about it.

Hello, this is Amma. I would like to validate your ticket after all these years. Ten years. Dude. What do you think about that? Well, I. So if you hear that, it's me. A lot of people sometimes hear the tinnitus.

Oh, God. Well, I think maybe spend more time underwater. You know how Michael Jackson at night slept in the hyperbolic chamber? Like the pressurized chamber? Yes. So I would recommend you buy a water bed and cut a slit in it and sleep in a water, but in the water bed, like in where the water is, not on top like most groovy hippies. Harlan or Nancy, can I tell you something else?

Yeah. Because you are an authority on most things water-based. Pretty much, yeah. That's correct, right? Oh, that's nice. That's water. Now, that to me is soothing. Some people wouldn't like that.

Let me know if you're ringing stops when I do this. For a moment, yes. If you could always be with me. Or maybe that's like a, it's not a white noise machine, but it's kind of a sad, because it would upset a few people. Yeah, it's a suck noise. But I can't be with you because I'm off solving mysteries. Unfortunately, as much as I adore you, you're not the only mystery I need to solve.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount. and a hundred percent free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. My eyesight. Oh, no. I have an astigmatism. I believe it's been labeled. I should get glasses. I do not want them. I cannot commit to frames. I also have beautiful green eyes, long eyelashes. I don't want to hide them. You're almost like a Disney character, like a little cartoon like Bambi or one of the... Thank you.

Yeah, your eyes. They pop. And it could all... Sweet. God, the noises that come out of you. Those are like puke burps almost. Who cares? I know, but I shouldn't be doing them.

They're horrible and disgusting. Are they? Let them go. You know why I'm doing them because I'm imagining OMA hugging me and as payback for what she did to you, I'm like... What's funny is you called her... You called her OMA, like Omaha steak. Yeah, well, more like the whole...

State, not steak, state. She's huge. I'm going to slide this in. Okay, sorry. Your eyes are, your beautiful eyes. Not that great, except when I'm underwater. Oh, you can see. Again with water.

Yeah. And I opened them. Perfect. 20H2O, I say. But I can see perfectly underwater. and I do not have tinnitus underwater. Nancy, ding, hold on.

Okay. Nancy just solved the mystery. Ready? Okay. You're a merman. Let me tell you why you're very close. I'm not close. Nancy Drew, don't get it wrong.

Cockgloving Nancy. Don't get it wrong. You're a merman. Well, then that makes sense because I called ophthalmology. just all over the world. Would you call them? I said, sir.

Okay. It's respectful. I can only see, I can only see clearly under water. Wow. Why? Can you see all obstacles in your way? I can. And he, the best in the world in Austria.

You know what he said? What? You're a merman? man, amphibian, maybe. Really? So he said what you're saying. Well, for our listeners, because I know. Now, an amphibian or and?

Do you know the spelling? It's AM. Okay. Yeah. And also FM amphibians are coming in a little more clear when they make noises, but the AMs, you can't hear a turtle when you go under a bridge. A.m. is more talk related. Yeah, that's right.

They talk more. But tell the, uh, the, the gang, because most. of them don't know the difference between an amphibian and a reptile. Well, I'm not sure there is a difference. So you have a reptile dysfunction then? Possibly. There are some lizards that can't get an erection. Not the horny toad.

They get one every time. Keep going. No, that's it. Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop. Well, if you're going to... Hmm.

Ah. Now I can't hear. That's good. What? Hello? Here's what I'd like to do. Okay, sure. Then we can move on. No, I'm glad we're solving some good mysteries right up off the top.

I don't know when because I want to live. Okay. But to test the amphibian theory, I'm going to go down about 10 feet because that seems to be when my eyesight's the best. Oh, swimming. Okay. And I'm going to take a deep breath. Okay.

And see. And see if I can just continue to breathe. Oh, I think. Okay. And then I will know. I don't want to discourage that, but I think I know the outcome, but it's... Why would you be discouraging something where you said that's what I am, Nancy? Well, I've done it.

I've swam down underwater deep because I used to be a canoe guy. and we'd go canoeing in the heat of summer and the surface of the water gets so heated by the sun and I was in areas where the water was very pure so I would dive as deep as I could dive and I'd literally drink, I'd fill my mouth with water and come back up so I'd get cold water. Well, you do know that I'm a canoe guy as well.

Do you remember last time I believe we were talking about my Viking funeral? Oh, yeah, that's right, yeah. So I still canoe. And I'm always reluctant now that I've hired a few friends to shoot burning arrows at me. And I fall asleep in the canoe, and that will be my Viking funeral. So we're both canoe guys. But if I am an amphibian and I take that breath, I'm just going to start walking. Wait, underwater?

If I can live underwater, I'll walk. That's what an amphibian does. Correct. Well, amphibians would swim underwater. Well, then I'll swim. But I'm going to go to Hawaii. Yeah. And I imagine just coming out of the water in Waikiki, and people say, how was your flight?

And I say, I walked, but I swam here. And they would say, are you hungry? And I would maybe say anything but sushi. Yeah. I thought that would be funny to them. Because if I'm walking to, if I'm walking to Hawaii, if I'm walking to Hawaii, You're underwater. From L.A.

Yeah. Any idea how long it would take? You're good with time. Any idea, my friend. Can we switch? I think this mystery solved. Okay, let's move on. I recently saw something that is still in the animal kingdom related,

but it was flapping and flying on velvety. wings. Sounds like a bat or a pillow? No, when it flapped its wings, slight traces of dust came off. Interesting. Not a butterfly, but a cousin to the butterfly. And I wondered if you had any thoughts on the moth. Okay. Is where I'm going with this. I don't know if you're a moth guy, if this even... Can I... Whoa, what? Are you, what's happening? Why would you bring up the moth? Because I'm going to tell you something I don't want to talk about. Okay. I just pictured when Chubby was hugging you like moths coming up off you.

No, I'm involved in... Oh, God. Is this a sore topic to bring up? Yeah. Well, I've already brought it up, so can we dig in? I'm kind of involved in a moth crisis. Oh, whoa, whoa. At this time.

It's something I don't like to talk about. Oh, so you've got an infestation. I do have an infestation. Of moths. And it's bad. Whoa. Maybe if you talk about it, it'll help get, because I can see your power jacked up,

you're frustrated, you're depressed, you're angry, you're violent, you're on the edge of violence. Maybe if we... It's a moth that sometimes follows me. Oh, wow. A honing moth. It has followed me. Oh.

It also... I didn't even know they had, like, social media. well this one does wow so this one's following this one's big because at night an oma moth yes at night yeah i was having trouble sleeping okay because the moth was chewing with its mouth open clearly oh damn what did it sound like just lettuce like like chewing like chewing ahead of dry lettuce Yeah. So this is what I hear at night. And I do not like the moth in general.

Yeah. I believe they are eagle maniacs. Yeah. They only will eat if there's light on them. Well, here's what I don't like about the moth because every other animal in the food chain, like a lion will eat a zebra and a polar bear will eat a seal and an eagle will eat a snake.

But moss, like mother moth goes to kids, it's dinner time. go get your turtleneck sweater. Wow. Go eat your cardigan, kids. You eat that sock or you're not getting any dessert, you little powdery winged whore or whatever they say. You're dead on. You're speaking my language right now.

Let me tell you how bad this moth crisis is. This is tough to hear, guy. I can see you're jacked, your power jacked. Maybe it's good to talk about it. I think it is. Because you certainly help me. with the ringing. We know that God is holding me.

Does that bother you? It's very soothing. Okay. Everything you seem to do is comforting. I don't want to make this add on to your already ringing. No, that's just like, oh, God's here. That's like a doorbell from heaven. Big dong.

Okay, so let's get through the moth thing. And then we're going to talk sex. Okay. Someone gave me two sweaters recently. Yeah. From where? Can I ask? As a gift.

It does not matter where. But they know I have a moth problem. And yet they still gave me two beautiful sweaters and one sweater bag. What color? I mean, I'm only asking because the crime. Plum and beige. Plum. And it's not about that.

The moth cries. is so bad that if someone comes over to my house, I have them leave their sweaters outside. Oh, no. Yeah. I say trunk, if you could put it in your car trunk, because some of them will probably just see it outside. Kind of, you know, on ski slopes, they have boxes where kind of a lost and found.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I want outside my door. But are you trading, like, yes, you're taking their sweater off from the moth inside but when you put it outside aren't you leaving it highly highly exposed to butterflies and their hunger for sweaters? I do not mind the butterfly. Okay. This is just what's going on in my home. If I'm paying money for a residence, I want the safety. Yeah. God. So what happened? The sweater. There's two beautiful sweaters. They only gave me one sweater bag. ever wear, can I just ask, did you ever wear the plum sweater at night?

Like as the sun was going down? I have. Okay, well, that would be an Eve plum and she started in the Brady bunch. She is great. We can talk about that next if we can. No, we're going to talk about sex next. Okay, well, then that'll tie in with Eve. I have an Eve plum sex story.

Okay, but let me finish this. Yes, we're talking about the moth. We're getting through so much today. Yeah, if I, excuse me. Sure, snort that flam down. You get emotional. I thought that might be a moth. Yeah, okay.

Oh, God. So soothing. Soothed. I was back too far, but. Yeah. So here we go. So the person that gave me the two sweaters, I'm like, this is awful. Why would you do this?

And they said, I gave you a big plastic sweater bag. Yeah. Put them both in there. And it's like, I'm not putting two sweaters in a sweater bag. Yeah. It's the same reason the president and the vice president do not fly together. Right, because one. You want to separate them.

Yeah, yeah. Got to keep them separated. Big fear. Zip them up in that plastic bag with a moth. What if I did that? Oh, right. And then I would come home and the sweaters would be gone. And there would be a huge moth wearing that plastic bag like a muscle shirt.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now you've got a moth in a bag. Yes. Yeah. Yes. So guess what someone gave me?

What? You're not going to believe this. What? And it was this week. Oh, no. What? Herpes? No, that was last week.

Okay. Kidding. I jested there. Yeah. A sweater, a closet intervention was given to me. me as a gift. What do you mean? Someone was paid for by the person that gave me the sweaters to come into my home, into my closet, and get rid of everything where the moths, everything that is feeding the moths. Paid for a sweater whore?

Sweater whore. But it's called a closet intervention. Like an organizer. Oh, yeah. I've heard of those. Yeah, that's a real thing. Of course it's a real thing. They came to my my house. How many? Just one? One. But listen to this. Yes. They came to my door. It was a surprise. There was one man knocked on my door and I knew they were coming. Yeah. And I looked out the window, the people, and he was making out, kissing another man, right, in front of my door, which I do not care. It does not matter to me. people. Wait, the moth guy was kissing another man? Yes, it turned out to be his driver, but I opened the door, Harlan, and he said, oh, thank you. Thank you. I said, I'm Kirk Fox, and he introduced him. He said, oh, this is Steve, but he's not my boyfriend. I'm not gay.

What? And this is someone who was just mouth to mouthing some, another, male so i said i don't i don't care steve i think that was the name so you don't care if a moth guy comes to your house and stands on your welcome mat makes out with a random driver before he goes into your house oh i don't care and i didn't even i didn't even care i didn't even care that steve said i'm not gay yeah because he's clearly not well here's what i here's what i realized yeah Here's a man in the closet in life. Oh, whoa. Found a job where he can still work in a closet.

So that to me was, oh, you're in the closet constantly. Your work there, you live there. So he never has to admit he's gay. Yes. He never has to fully, truly come out because he's always going. back in. He's always in the closet. He works in the closet. That's sort of brilliant. Oh. Or that's gaybillion or whatever the term is. I don't know. I'm not familiar with a lot of terms. Well, it's like I took gay and brilliant and stuck them together. Oh, that's fine. Yeah, just a little.

Gaybillion. Ah, it's a great word. I'm going to try and incorporate it. Maybe when I leave, you could write it out. Yeah. I'd like to be able to see things. The phonetics of it. So let me, can I tell you about the closet, intervention. Oh, so you went into the closet with them? He was in there. Okay. And he said, he said, first of all, let's just throw away everything that the moths have started to eat. Which is a lot. Which is a lot. And I said, no. If I do that, then the moths have won. They win every time. I'm not throwing away anything that the moths have eaten. I told him my closet is survival of the fittest. Yeah.

I throw away only something when it cannot be worn anymore. So if it's got holes in it, that's still wearable. Of course. As long as it's not falling off. Until it falls off. And then that rag will move to the kitchen. Oh, where the kids will eat it? Well, whoever.

Right. It just becomes a rag. Why waste food? And then he said, okay. Yeah. Do any of these sweaters, do they convey the same message as when you bought them? And I said, yes, you know, help was kind of the message when I bought them. And then he said, okay, do you equate any bad memories with any of these sweaters?

Sure. I said, yes, all of them. Every sweater has a pretty bad memory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I threw away everything that had a bad memory, I'd only be left with one pair of Underreuse, which I still have and wear. They're stretched out. Incredible Hulk.

Oh, yeah. I have no bad memories. They have a good memory attached to them? Yes. Okay. Underreuse. So convey. Okay.

These are things. He's going down a checklist. This is real. Someone paid for this. Yeah. And then he says, do any of these, any of your clothing smell bad? I said, yes. And then he smelled a sweater.

And he said, this smells like death. Oh, okay. And I said, it should. My father died in that sweater. No. I'm certainly not giving that away. You have the death sweater of your father in your closet? Yes.

Forget about moss. You probably have a maggot problem. That's fine. We can talk about that next time. Wow. Let's just, let's just, I'd love to finish this. Please get it out. This moth crisis because it already see your lightning up a bit.

It feels better. I was just going to say, I feel like I'm purging myself. I feel like your breasts are getting perkier. That's fine. I only have one. Well. But it's, there's two nipples on the one. Yeah, it's a Siamese tip.

That's another story. Okay, let's go. Here we go. So then he saw a sweater that I have that has one arm. Oh, God. And he said, this sweater has one arm. And I said, yeah, you know, New York 87. It was a pretty big moth attack, and I remembered it.

And he said, we should get rid of this. I say, I still wear it. Yeah. Sometimes it's cold outside and warm in the car, or I can switch the sweater. I can wear it on the inside out. Sometimes it's warm outside and cold. So I want to be able to alternate. Yeah, the window side.

Yes. Got it, got it. And sometimes I'm in London where you drive on the other side, The wheels sometimes on the other side. Just turn the sweater inside out. Exactly. Bingo. Genius.

Yeah. Genius. I'm a big supporter of the one-arm sweater. And also, the little surfer girl, shark ate one arm. Oh, that's right. She still surfs. Yeah. And wins.

If she had quit surfing because a shark ate one arm, the shark wins. Yeah. That's how I feel about the moth. And also, if you go on a date with that girl, you got a 50-50 shot at it. a hand job every time. Yeah, just know which hand you're going to be leaning into. You always sit on that side. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Unless she turns, I don't know if we can have this talk. No, we can't. I think she was eating at 13, the arm. Okay, then let's, yeah, we can't. So we can have the talk now. She's got to be in her 20s. She's in her 20s. We're clear. We got clearance for that.

I hope. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let, we can check. Someone checked her age. Someone checked at Dan. Okay, here's... Oh, here we go. Let me tell you how this... Let's hear the ending of this mothra. That has such a ring to it. Yeah, I think I've got tinnitus now. Welcome.

Thanks. We could just take a shower and talk. Next pot in the shower. Well, I just looked at my schedule and I realized I'm busy for the rest of my life. Okay, that's... You know what's amazing about that? What? I'm free.

the rest of my life. I'm booked right on. I have nothing to do. But thank you for the shower invite. Whatever I'm doing, it's certainly not working. So, damn, I'm going to just. So you're in the shower and you're in the closet. Yes.

Okay. I say this is what Steve says. Okay. And he's frustrated. Steve. He knows I'm not going to get rid of anything. I'm not throwing anything out. No, you shouldn't.

I love everything. You're not going to let a moth beat you. he says let's just let's put some moth balls in there and kill them yeah I said Steve man I know about the moth ball I've researched it yeah

it takes three days for the moth to die it does also poisonous can kill human beings the moth balls that's why they put them in the back of the closet yeah so that the moths go there And it takes three days to die. So once they eat the mothball, that's kind of like, what are they going to do for three days?

That's like death row. Yeah. What are you going to do for three days? Your last meal. The last meal. Angora. Angora. Yeah.

And for three days, they're going, it's like they're going cross country. What do you do on a cross country trip? You just stop and eat. Drive through, sweater through, whatever, yeah. So here's what I decided. And this was my idea. By the way, your house must stink like an old lady's house. I don't know.

I have no sense of smell. No sense of smell. Okay, so what happened? I took my dad's sweater. The one-armed sweater. The death sweater. My dad was a bit of a martyr. Oh, really?

Holy smokes. Mine was a Wolverine. Nice. I took that sweater and I put it outside in a tree. Okay. That's butterfly country. Okay. And I put a spotlight.

Oh, I see where this is gone. Oh, this is where the genius. I mean, I'm usually not a thinker. Here we go. I just react. So I put my dad's sweater out there. On the tree. How high up we talking?

20, 30 feet with the spotlight or floodlight. Floodlight, yeah. On the sweater, on the tree. Open my window. I'd say 40 or 50 moths left. Right. Went right to my dad's sweater. To the light.

And the spotlight, because they're egomaniacs. When they're not eating fabric, they're eating light pretty much. They wanted to go out to dinner. Yeah, okay. Yeah, they wanted to go out, leave the house. Go eat. Eat up on the town. It's like a drive-thru.

Oh, dude. How many watts? the flood yeah 62 but i keep there's a there's a spare near i shut the window that's like a moth at morton steakhouse right there i called steve immediately the gay guy from your porch necking who had said he wasn't gay he's not gay he's not the not gay guy on your porch necking with a stranger i said steve and i told him what happened and he said holy shit i can't wait to tell my boyfriend. What? So he was gay after all.

But he came out of the closet because my moths left the closet. He didn't plan on it. Yeah. And I said, I knew it. And he started to cry. Oh. And he said, thank you, Kirk. And thank you, Kirk.

Wow. So I do not have a moth problem anymore. Well, I think you do. But here's what you missed, guy. And I'm sorry to break the bad news, but I'm a moth guy too. I know. You had one in there that triggered a lot of this. So here's what you mistake you made.

A moth will go to the light, but one day, a few hours later, the sun comes up. And the moth retreat back into the closet where you need. needed to do was dip that corpse sweater of your dad's in syrup, something sticky. So when they landed, they were affixed to said sweater. You see that they just, they just stopped. They went out to dinner, but then went right back home. And I thought I heard something last night. Yeah. I thought I heard something. They're back. They're still there. But now you know what to do next time. Dip and stick. It's called. Dip it, stick it. Sixty-eight watts. I should go to the sweater, syrup it. Dip it, stick it, wot it, and stop it. You are certainly an educator, but

so we've cured the tinnitus. You help with the moths. I'm a solution. I solve mysteries. Nancy Drew solves things. I'm a solver. And now you're going to help me solve something. All right, what's the problem? Valentine. Val, Val, wow. You know what's interesting?

It's like you've got tinitis now. Not bad, not bad. Okay, let me help you. You've done so well for you. Help me with this. I hope the sound's been okay. Yeah, to all your angry.

You're all over it. All the angry. Kirk Fox. The Valentine's Day is coming up, and as you experience at the airport Hilton, it's a time for intimacy, love, sexual relations, and I thought you and I, because we, you know, obviously have experience in this area. In sexual relations. Yeah, I mean, anyone who's doing it, if we're doing it at the airport Hilton, where haven't we done it, right? That's true. So I thought you and I, just to help people through this intimate time of the year, we go through.

through the alphabet just A to G. We're not going to do the whole alphabet because it's too much. And we each, with each letter, we help people and tell them about sexual positions from A to G. We each do one. And this will give people ideas for an intimate February 14th. Now, with regards to position, is it position that we are in or the person that we're having the inner course with? I should check that. It can be a position or a sexual position or a sexual act. It doesn't have to be.

Does it have to be a position they know about or we're educating them? Okay. So I'll start off to kind of get you on what I'm talking about. So I'll start with A. And is this something that we've done or want to do? These are things we've probably done or we've read about or we know. But I think for us, we've probably done them all. But I'll...

I know I've done just about every letter. You've done it. That's why you were important and crucial to this. So I'll start with A. Because I'm very sexual. I know. That's why you think I'm bringing this off. I'm just along for the ride.

I know. I don't know. Can you say penis? You can say whatever you want. This is Valentine's Day. The penis makes most of my decisions. Yeah, I know that. You should have used your penis to smack the shit out of those moths.

Good thinking. Yeah. Go ahead. Let me see where we're... Okay. Okay, so A. And how are we doing on time? We're doing great.

Don't worry about time. Time flies into the ESOS, like a moth turning into the sun. I have no place to be. I have nothing to do. We have a dedication to our viewers, our listeners right now, so don't even think in terms of time. Okay. I rarely do.

Time is like, right now, if I can get poetic, time is like the powder off a moth's delicate velvet wing. drifting up into the heavens, mingling with the stars, and sniffing Donny Osmond's ass crack. I don't know how to end poems a lot of the time. A lot of poems end with Donnie Osmond's ass crack. They do? Okay, okay, so I wasn't too.

In Utah. I was just in Utah. Yeah. That's on a billboard, I believe. It is? Just an ass crack. Yeah, is there? And Marie's on the other billboard.

Okay. She's a little bit rock and roll. Yeah. So here's the first letter. Ladies and gentlemen, these are sexual activities and positions that you can have during the most intimate day of the year. Here's my first one, the letter A, the Allen Wrench. And this is where you get one of those little Allen wrenches from IKEA. Okay.

And you take your IKEA furniture apart and reassemble it so that it turns into, you know, kind of some kind of weird love bed or, you can position your body crooked and sideways. And so it's like Allen wrench sex. It's called the Allen wrench. Yeah. But you have to do it with IKEA furniture and you can make like some kind of sex contraption. And what is the shape?

Well, an Allen wrench is like it's like an L shape. Now does Alan, is he involved? Is this a threesome? No, no. This is the name of the tool. It comes in most when you assemble an IKEA piece of furniture. they include an Allen wrench and it's just you just now is that the size of the woman's that seems small no the Allen wrench is so you you take a take a part because all IKEA furniture has the

same kind of knot that takes the Allen wrench and so you can reorganize them and then you can spread your lover out all crooked and make incredible so a Allen wrench wow Alan wrench now I got to toss it to you hey you got to well there's a position I I like. Okay. And it's actually, it's called the banana position. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Which a lot of people thinks that's referencing the penis, the banana. Wait, isn't that, wouldn't that be the letter B though? Did I say B? No. I said banana, which starts with B. Yeah. Am I playing the game wrong? We both have to do an A.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Without question. So save the banana one for the next thing. Okay. I hope I... Sorry, I didn't make that clear. Oh, okay.

I went right. So we're both doing... We're doing each doing one of the same letters so that we can really... Okay. Yeah. So Alan Wrench... A is Alan Wrench, yeah. Okay.

So you got one for A. Let me just go right. I'm going to the classic. Okay. Anal. Oh, wow. Okay. So that...

Yeah. It's not, you know, as memorable as the Allen wretch. Yeah. But anal is a standard. It's a go-to. It's reliable. Yeah. And on Valentine's, you're going to save money on flowers and chocolate.

Yeah. Well, you might still get the chocolate. I know, but it's just. All right. Do you want to roll right into B? Not yet. Okay. So let me just refresh.

Yes. Okay. If you can ever refresh an anal. You can. Okay. If I can just an addition to the anal. Sure, a double A. Here we go.

You want a jacuzzi involved. Okay. You always, before you do anil, you do a lot of cleaning. Mm-hmm. And, but I like the Allen wrench, but anil is pretty important around Valentine's. Okay, sure. Because they're giving themselves to you.

Yeah. You're taking it. And you want to give that. And Valentine's is about love and take. Yeah. So just stick with the anal if you can. Okay, okay. And anal is strong choice on every holiday.

Oh, it is. Like a Christmas anal or an Easter anal. Just anal. Yeah, Martin Luther King anal. It's universal. It's almost infinite, means endless. Okay.

Unless anal. President's Day anal. Of course. I'm sure there's a few presidents you've wanted to. And we all know it. We all are familiar with. They all have one. We all have one.

A lot of people don't get involved in it. I have a Greek friend who calls it the Calamari ring, but that's, we're straying. We're straying. Are we that? Well, do you, do you want to roll into B or do you want me to do? I always like you to go. Okay. And me?

All right. Let's jump right to be. Okay. This is a sexual position, the bend it like Beckham. Okay. And I don't know if any of you really know. Have you ever seen a hockey stick when they bend the blade? Of course.

So how they do that is they put it over heat and it's called warping the blade. They put a curve in the hockey stick blade. So what you're doing, you've got to be very careful with this one. For the men, you've got to wrap your tallywacker in a damp cloth, put it over an element on the stove, just hover it, just about yay high, about three or four inches. So what are we bending, the woman or yourself? You're bending your, the male's bending his member. Oh.

So you're putting a warp in it. So this is like a members only. Yeah, it's a members only. And what you're doing is you're warping. Because some men actually, ladies might not know this and some men, but some men, their wiener actually bends left or right. By choice. Doesn't it go to where the vagina is?

No, they're born with a bend in it. Okay. Yeah. This is good to know. Because I have a slight bend to the left. Oh, so you have a bentley. But I've always thought it's because that's where the vagina is. No, but this plays into the bend it like Beckham.

So what you do is you bend, you put a warp in your wiener, and then on Valentine's Day, you get a nice bend, and you can have sex with your girl around the wall. So you don't even see her. It just goes around. I'm going to ask you a question as someone who's never done the bend, but knows hockey. Yeah.

Do you tape it? You can tape it. If you want to have protected sex, you tape it. So you tape it, and that gets a better spin on the, more grip on the vagina? It's like, it's sort of like that rubbery condom effect. Yeah, because hockey tape is very slick and shiny. So you bend, you bend your, you bend your penis on the oven. You bend your penis on the oven.

You bend it like back on. Does it stay bent? These are interesting, or does it, it will stay bent forever? No, it'll eventually warp back. time but for Valentine's Day so if you want to you know plow your wife around a wall and you don't have to look at it yeah no that that seems ideal yeah for marriage yeah you think you think uh you think this would come standard well these marriage that's why you put the ring on and then they bend your ding don't bend it like back um yeah but that's why this is important because these are not only for

valentine's night but you can carry I have a wife and I haven't seen her in years this will be perfect And we still had sex. Yeah. So you've been bending it like Beckham, it sounds like. But it was just a natural bend. Oh, okay. Well, this way you can even have her in the den or down in the basement, stuff her in the crawl space and just, you could be watching TV in the other room and your wieners around the wall.

So you're a real educator. Well, this is, we're doing it for Valentine's Day. It's not, this isn't stuff anyone doesn't know, you know. Do you write Victorville on the side of it? You can write Victorville. Or Cooper? Doesn't Cooper make a good? Cooper, yeah. Whatever hockey Canadian makes a good strong.

Canadian, yeah. So are you, do you have some Canadian in you? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm Canadian. So this, this is who you are. Yeah. But Bend it, like Beckman is a movie about soccer where the soccer player Beckham could curve a soccer ball and get it into the net. But what we're doing is we're applying it to love. Wow.

So over to you with the bee guy. Well, I had mentioned, when you do that, it's like the wind. It's like you're underwater. It tickles my ear. God. So can the banana position. Okay, here we go. I'm going to, I guess I should tell you where it originated from also.

Is that? Yeah, please. As opposed to just getting right to what it is. because you told me a lot about the bending of the peonine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And how you did it. Yeah. So I would say the banana position is fairly new to me.

Okay. It is a year old. Okay, yeah. And a year ago, I just wanted a banana. Okay. And I went to the, not really a banana store. Yeah. It was actually Bristol Farms.

Okay. little grocery store, boutiquey. And I went to the, there was kind of a banana rack. Not a banana tree, but just hundreds of bananas. Sure, I've seen them. And it said 29 cents, which to me felt like a pretty good number. Yeah. For a banana.

Yeah. And I broke one off, the one that I liked. It looked big, looked like an eight, nine inch banana. It looked like it had been armoured. Healthy. And it had a nice bend to the left. left. Okay. And it could have been how I was holding it. Right. Maybe it was my hand position. Okay. But it was a strong bend to the left. Okay. And this kind of ties into your bending a peni.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went up to the man at the cashier. Yeah. And I said, I put the banana there. Yeah. And I know what you do. You put it there and he gives you a number and you decide if it's fair. Okay. I gave him the banana. He said, you know, 36 cents. I said, 36 cents, but it's 29. There's the sign right there, 29 cents. Big sign.

And he says, yes, but we saw you break one off, and we've all been talking about it. I said, wow, I guess this is a slow day when everyone's talking about someone who broke off a banana. Banana faux pa. And he says it's 29 cents apiece if you buy a pack of six or seven, but we saw you break one off. Okay. said, just go get the other five or six, and then they're 29 cents. I said, I just want one banana. I'm not going to a banana party.

It wasn't B-Y-O-B. It wasn't bringing, you know, hey, I'm here. I brought bananas. No, I was going. So I paid for the banana. Yeah. All I had was 35 cents. I took a penny out of the poverty plate.

Oh, yeah, the little dish. And I went out to my car. Here we go. And I decided, I'm, I'm going to eat this now. Okay. I was going to take it home, but I thought for that kind of money, I'm just going to peel this banana. Yeah.

So I began to peel the banana. And Harlan, it was all bruised up. Oh, God. It wasn't the banana it had presented itself as. Right. If I pay 36 cents for a banana, I want full freight. I want 36 cents worth a banana. So I went back in.

And I went in, pissed, hot. I was fired up. I said, hey, man, this banana I bought, it just wasn't the banana I thought it was going to be. Can I just trade it for another banana? And he says, I don't know what happened out in that parking lot. I was like, what? Do you think I took this banana out in the parking lot and just beat the fuck out of it?

You know, like fight party, you know? Yeah, fight club, fight banana. I mean, we don't know what. happens to bananas after work. No. But then I started thinking about the banana. It's God's gamble. Yeah.

That's why they come in packs of six or seven. Right. Clusters. Three will be shit. It's like a big family. Yeah. Seven kids. One's going to be pretty bruised up.

Yeah. And then I really started thinking about the banana. And this is leading to the position. Yeah. I started thinking about the banana. Potassium. Big one. how they sell it, speeds up the healing process of bruising.

Yeah. But how are we expected to believe that when they can't even take care of themselves? Yeah. I mean, this banana was all bruised up. Yeah. And then I went home and I read about it. They're radioactive. What?

So bananas. Wait, what? You did not know this, but if you eat seven or eight of them, you're going to get some radiation, which makes sense. What? That's why they're wearing that rubber yellow hazmat. Oh, yeah, yeah. So this is where it gets sexual.

Okay. Hang on, before you get too deep into it here, just hold on to those, yeah. Exactly. This is exactly what I'm saying. Potassium? Yeah. It's all bruised up. How can there be potassium in this?

But this is what I'm talking about. So let me tell you how this gets sexual. Okay, there we go. About a month after the banana episode. Right. I met a girl at a Halloween party. Here we go. Wearing that yellow banana suit that Uma Thurman wore.

And killed Bill. And killed Bill. Here we go. I took this. woman out to my car. Beat her up? No. Oh, sorry, sorry, yeah.

Bruised her. But I like where your mind is. Okay. And she was in that beautiful yellow. Skin tight. She looked like Uma Thurman and Kill Bill. Sorry, I leaned back. She looked like Uma Thurman and Kill Bill.

Yeah. Banana yellow. I started to unzip her. her latex banana suit. Here we go. And she was all bruised up. What? Someone else had beaten her up.

Oh, God. Oh, no. So you are on the right path. So here's what I did. Oh, no. I basically, I didn't break her in half. Yeah, no, you can't do that in a car.

And then take the good half and put the other, the bruised half in the refrigerator and put it in a smoothie later. Yeah, sure. But I kind of avoided the bruises. Okay. So it's a long way to get to that. of this. Good.

But the banana position. Which I'm wondering even exists at this point. It does. Okay. The banana position when having sexual intercourse. You position the woman where you don't see the bruising. Oh, brilliant. So that, that's the banana position.

Wow. Wow, bro. I don't think we can top that one. I think we have to cut it off right there. You mean break it off, break it off? We have to break it off. So the banana position is if you wish someone who's a little bruised. Yeah.

And you don't want to see the bruising. You position the banana or the woman or the man. So you don't have to see the bruising. But don't feel bad about this because Uma Thurman was a little bruised up. Yeah. But she'd also killed 20 men. About 50 or 60 And been hit by them

Yeah Couldn't you just turn off the light though But then A moths would come out Ah Yeah So that's the That's the banana position

Where you're with the one I think that's enough for people I think that's all they need Well They don't need to I think A and B is all That's more than enough Next Valentine's Day

We'll do some more Ano and banana is all. Anel banana, bend it like Beckham and Alan Ranch. Wow. Have fun, gang. From me and Kirk to you. That's a pretty good Valentine's. That's a lot.

That's a lot. And if you try all four of them in one night. Wow. Maybe next time we can get the coconut. We burnt out the ding-dong. We had so many. All right. Well, now we come to the part of the show.

Okay. You know this one, right? Can I take one of these to go? Yeah. I usually pay 35 cents. Just make sure you eat them in the car. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Words from a wooden shoe. Remember this? I don't. Did we do this last time you're here? Maybe. I think we did. Yeah, this is where it's our final segment. Excuse me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my sweet flam. Banana. Bananas are a little. Yeah, you have a bit of an allergic reaction to them. Moths, bananas. Manas, this is where we have words in a wooden shoe. It's an authentic Dutch clog.

You don't look, you reach in. A clog, is that when? There's a clog. Okay. And you reach in and you pull out a word and see if it sparks a story or a memory. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Are you going to do one or just me?

Probably just you. Usually it's for the guests, but so don't look. Reach in the wooden shoe. How many more? Don't look. Reach in there. One, one word. And let's see what comes out.

What do we got, Guy? Let's see. What does it say? It says Billy Joel. Okay. Billy Joel. Do you have a Billy Joel memory or a story? Well, gosh.

Oh, wow. I can see the wheels turning. I mean, I'm not proud of the Billy Joel. Joel reference what happened guy it's pretty bad well you can say it i mean we talked about your everything else billy joel had a girl not a daughter okay Well, it was a girlfriend. Oh, you, okay. And I met her in New York.

Okay. Should we talk about this at all? I think we have to. I mean, we've started. I think what you're saying is he had a girlfriend and you might have done something with her. I did something with her, but it wasn't sexual. I'm going to just give you the highlight. of it. Okay. So I met Billy Joel's girlfriend in New York, probably maybe 10 years ago.

Okay. I was in Central Park just playing tennis. And it was harmless. Okay. It's usually. And it was great. We were talking tennis and it was great. And she was a pretty good tennis player and I was good and she watched me play a little boom, boom, boom. Cut to five years later, Bangkok, Thailand. What? Bangkok, Thailand. Wow. I stumbled into what I thought was a sports bar. Oh, God.

Here we go. And there was a beautiful woman shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina. Are you cereal? And it was Billy Joel's ex-girlfriend? Yes. And I ended up losing 2117. I couldn't get used to the spin. And I was also thrown because I was like,

I didn't look at her face until after I had lost. Have you ever heard the saying, don't bring a gun to a knife fight? I'm going to say to you, don't bring a tennis racket to a ping pong tournament. And that's where it went south guy. So, yeah.

So I did meet Billy Joel's girlfriend. friend. Okay. In New York. Excellent story. Five years later, she's working in Bangkok, Thailand, shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina, and I lost 2117. Now, I did get to 15 all because I'm an athlete. Yeah, you're good at that. But then I started getting an erection. Oh, boy. Because I'm healthy. I'm an American, and I was in Bangkok, Thailand. Those will get in the way of the surf. Not going to travel 15 hours in coach, and then leave a boner at the airport. Yeah, you can't pick up a hard server. But I've been training. I've been practicing.

Yeah. I know what to look for. Yeah. It's a different game than I grew up playing in the garage with my dad. Yeah. I'm going to go back. And playing with a dad with one arm. Exactly.

Wow. And I'm pretty sure she's still working there. Why? That's not really a job you leave. Yeah, that's true. Once you start shooting ping pong balls out of your vagina, you have committed to shooting ping pong balls out of your vagina. You're probably not getting it.

an executive position at Merrill Lynch or maybe Hooters I thought maybe that's a possibility it's like where'd you used to work Bangkok Thailand I was in hospitality and I shot ping pong balls out of my vagina can I wrap this up with maybe a Nancy Drew style solution maybe but the last thing I'd say is maybe what if what if the guy said at hooters would you be willing to shoot hot wings out of your vagina And then she might say maybe if you put the sauce on after. See, this is where you're all around it and you're what I, and don't take this as a, you're a lay person. But how Nancy Drew ties this all up is a moth ball looks a hell of a lot like a tiny

ping pong ball. You've got a moth problem. You know a woman who can shoot ping pong balls. Why not lay this woman instead of a gay guy in your closet? lay down Billy Joel's ping-pong squirting freak girlfriend, get her to put some moth balls in there. Every time a moth flies in, she takes them down like a cannonball off the side of Blackbeard's boat.

Boom, she's shooting moth balls. You got no more moth problem, you got no more gay guy, and you got Billy Joel's girlfriend smelling like pneumonia in your one-armed sweater fucking closet guy. Thank you. I'm Nancy Drew, fuck off. Thank you. I like that, Nancy.

Aren't you glad you came? You want a banana? Not now. I will. I better have one. I would never have tied them all together. Yeah, Nancy Drew. So Nancy Drew was the right choice.

Cockloving. This banana looks like it's been through a lot. Yeah, I bought these at the OJ market. How old is this? Yeah, they were. Before we go or before you die from food poisoning, would you like to say? It's not only soft? Yeah, it's turned.

It's turned, but the wrong way. So I'm going to turn it this way. Yeah, I would put it down if I were you. So I'd like to go vomit. That's all right. Look, just that little helmet. This one's probably free. Yeah, it's already in a sleeping bag.

Before we go, would you like to tell the good folks where they can see you, your social media, plug your TV show, all that stuff? Well, I don't really, I would suggest watching Reservation Dogs, FX on Hulu. I'm in there occasionally, but I would say it's one of the best shows on the planet. It's number one on many, many lists created by Sterland Harjo and Taika Waititi. Yeah. It's just, it's wonderful, and I'm happy to be a part of it. And I would suggest watching that. And that's what I'm proud of.

Anything else, I don't really need to be found. Okay. But if you can find me, it's a wonderful ride. Yeah. And if I see you in Bangkok, I know what to look for. Yeah. And he's a great comedian, ladies and gentlemen. You've got to catch Kirk at the local comedy clubs on the road.

Thank you. Not so much the road. I'm not a fan of leaving. You don't do it. But if you can catch Kirk Fox doing his stand-up, you are a lucky person, buddy. Thank you for being here. Thank you, Harlan. It was wonderful.

Billy Joel. Yeah. What a way to wrap it up. You got a great ex-girlfriend. Yeah. Do you want some TM to go out? Yeah. Okay.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this was Kirk Fox. Be careful of the moths. Turn on the lights at night. Get the ping pong balls. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. Some really pretty heavy bruising on this one. Look at it.

Yeah. It's like a black anna. Probably went through a lot. Yeah. Probably went through a lot. I can't believe you put one of those in your mouth. I was going to throw those in the garbage. They were sort of like a prop.

Well, not anymore.